Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Met My Roommate While She Was Hooking Up

Episode Date: August 22, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update: Boundaries when going to a strip club (From Obsessive Ex Has My Nudes- June 12, 2023) Getting set up on a blind date Suspecting two co-workers hooking up Expectations with a roommate Meeting your boyfriend's son Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello welcome to a brand new episode of don't blame me starring megan and melissa who we are quite coordinating we're very like warm tone goldy bronze today but i am in fall and you and summer but they're both warm tones they are goldy bronze they are but this this is a midriff so it's not fully summer yeah i mean fully fall it's a perfect la one so you can watch the video version over on patreon you can also just support the show on patreon if you would like this is a podcast where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice we love to do it we love to give you good advice we love to give you bad advice on purpose we don't love to give you bad advice on accident and i will defer the blame to that is maybe you just didn't give us the right

information and then we gave you bad advice but i don't think we give it i don't think we i don't think we've given unintentional bad advice in a while no no no anything that's been like when it was like intentionally being bad we we let people know unintentional don't blame us don't blame us and that is the catch-all and what protects us legally so probably not i know honestly honestly probably not well support the show everyone so unless and i can live out our dreams yes still support the show so we can support the show we're really great we're really fun we have so many ideas and we need emotional and financial support speaking of financial support someone left a comment on our someone left a comment on

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that i believe is in his 90s good for her two months later bye bye as it should and this is the thing people like megan you hate age gap relationships yes i love that all right if it is not a mutually beneficial relationship and it's mutually beneficial someone with lots of mutual funds yes someone is dying someone who's close to death and i said lord do what you did for that lady do it for me or i've seen what you have done for others willing and able amen i and i endorse that message so we give lots of varying degrees of advice and we need that information so we can give you the best advice but we also ask that you will not ask we require that you keep it under three minutes for the recorded version that can be a voicemail that you leave at 310-694-0976

or an audio message that you send to meganpodcast at gmail.com those have to be under three minutes so we ask that you write everything down practice a few times time it out and then read it aloud and then for the written versions in our dms on instagram which we will have our handle linked by megan and melissa it's nope it's just megan and melissa no bye you guys have changed i've changed the name it's been years though no i know uh i told you my brain is a little slow right now and for those written ones email and dm we ask that you keep it under 300 words all relevant info you can let us know if you are sensitive but we can only give you advice based on the info you give us so make sure it's it's the good the jam-packed stuff i think that's it right that's

it let's get into an update all right so this is from the episode obsessive x has my nudes which was from June 12th, 2023. And the call itself was, or write-in, I don't remember what it was, was boundaries when going to a strip club. The person that submitted, their boyfriend was going to a strip club or husband. I don't remember which one. Their partner was going to a strip club with, I believe it was coworkers, boss, brother. It was a big group of people that were going and the person that submitted wanted to and it was coke involved in the story too i believe as well she said that they did coke and so um they wanted to set boundaries for their partner going to the strip club okay whoo this is a long one hey megan and melissa and friends for well technically hi

megan and melissa and friends first of all i want to spell my name both of our names are wrong and that's okay here's the thing if you're gonna spell our name spell both of them wrong yeah don't spell one of ours wrong and not the other because like we see that both of us have irregularly spelled common names so then I go yeah you were intentional with some of it but not the rest so you know go big or go home first of all I want to say I'm so genuinely flattered that my boring life made it on this podcast was not boring babe the other thing I want to mention is that I finally have an update so originally i was thinking of calling but the story got a lot worse before it got better and so to protect myself and everyone involved i prefer to have my voice kept anonymous

absolutely massive trigger warning for topic of addiction please please please do not listen if you can be triggered by this topic so if you know anything about construction you may have heard about substance abuse in the field that ended up being the case of my partner's boss i'm not sharing this because substance abuse makes someone a bad person i'm sharing this so you can get the full picture this man was not like it before and his addiction changed him it also brought out his true colors. As a piece of shit, lying asshole creep, I knew he was the whole time. So why did he want to bring my boyfriend to a strip club, you may ask? Well, he actually hates my guts and made it very clear to everyone, including my boyfriend's dad. He also thinks that women in

general should essentially not have any rights. Yeah, so fuck him. He would tell everyone at the job that me and my boyfriend don't get along, that I control him, I was a bitch, etc. This is because I always called him out on his bullshit, and I knew this vacation was just another way for him to get to me. List of bullshit includes telling me that because I'm a woman, I don't know what hard work is. Only being respectful towards me and his partner when my boyfriend was in the room. Telling me that when I had someone die in the family, that it wasn't a big deal and I was being too sensitive. I always blamed his words on the fact that he was under the influence. I would also like to let you know that this man constantly tried to peer pressure

my boyfriend into his addiction with him. Now that we're on the other side of this with a clear picture of who he is, my boyfriend feels awful for letting this man into our lives the way he was well i am happy i guess to report that my boyfriend did not go to the club in vegas and simply said that he doesn't think he would ever be able to go to a strip club even with me there because our boundaries align and he feels it's deeply disrespectful to our relationship i have absolutely no judgment for any individual that likes going to the strip club or accepts that within a relationship but it's simply not for us and that's okay i am also happy to report that well i cannot tell you guys it happened because it's not my place my partner did leave him and

and she, oh, his partner did leave him, and she is safe and better, and for the better. Me and hubby are still very much together and going on three years of dating, and we are planning to get engaged within the next year. Congratulations. We're also buying a house together.

He's truly my best friend in the whole world. As for his boss, well, his ass got canned after he was caught under the influence on the job. When I found this out, I could have throttled him because the crew they work on deals a lot of dangerous stuff, like life-threatening on the daily. This includes driving, operating heavy machinery,

as well as dealing with livestock. The certain type of livestock that they deal with has no problem eating an actual person. Freaky, I know. That's pigs, by the way. Things went quiet from him for a couple months and ended up knocking on our door one day after trying to break into our garage

and I absolutely ripped into him with my words. He actually got scared and ran away. I've never seen a man run from a five-foot girl so fucking fast in my entire life. My boyfriend said it was absolutely glorious. I want to thank you guys for listening to my story. I'm sorry I cannot share more. If you or anyone you know is struggling with addiction,

please seek help i've seen it destroy many lives in my family and many people lives around me you can always get help and there is a way out wow what a fucking update oh thank you for sharing um i'm sure that was difficult to share but i'm glad that your boyfriend is out of that situation also this creeps ex-girlfriend is done with him as well and safe yeah and this like is such a i don't know i feel like i'm constantly reminded on a daily about how important it is for like women specifically for us to like trust our gut and trust our instincts and even if like the men in our lives who are closer to the people and like we're more tangentially on the side they're like no no you've got like a misreading of the situation or you know whatever like we're not

wrong about that like it's there's that book called like the gift of fear where it's like literally in our DNA pre-programmed that we have these different sort of instincts about people yes it's satisfying when those things end up being true but like you also don't want that to be true or whatever so I totally understand like the complicated feelings of like feeling vindicated and validated that you were not crazy and that this was like a bad situation he was a bad guy but at the same time you obviously don't want that for him or for other people involved but but the pressuring to do drugs is like a very very common thing and if anybody's in that circumstance or situation it is not safer to do drugs with said person you know and a lot of

people have like a like a idea that that makes them a safe person if like they are not viewed as an enemy because they're like you can without getting into doing and participating in that yourself and everybody should always have narcan on them learn how to administer it and you cannot overdose from fentanyl by administering narcan and if police officers tell you that if you touch it on a handle of a car door that you will die that is not true and it's fear-mongering have you not seen any of this stuff it makes me like so as someone who has like a extensive family history with this specifically and like has lost family members to fentanyl i'm like very passionate about the correct information about it and like there's so much fear-mongering that people

don't administer narcan to people who are actively dealing with like it's not even really an overdose because it's poisoning at that point because fentanyl it's like such minuscule amounts that like people police officers like weren't doing that because they were like convinced that they could get contact high by touching someone who had had it and it's like very much giving reminiscent of like the AIDS crisis of like you're just watching people die and not intervening because you've convinced yourself that like they are so just like scum of the earth like that suddenly this is like they're treating it with like more careful consideration than COVID which was an airborne ill like it's like it just drives me crazy and so there's like a lot of like

misinformation about that and I think it sounds logical because it's like less than a grain of rice can kill you from fentanyl and so it feels like well that's an obvious thing it's it's the mechanism and like there's also a lot of like oh it's there's no use to even test it because it's in everything and then i'm like that's not true it's not in everything it's in so many drugs like if you put it in weed as far as i know and this is like the last time i checked about this was a couple months ago but like there had yet to be a fentanyl made that doesn't burn off when you are smoking it via like a blunt or something like that so like it's not people aren't giving that in weed and all this stuff and so people were just like well there's no point in testing if

it's in everything and it's like well no should test everything but also there's still a risk there but yeah i just get irate when i see that and so i hope everyone knows that even if you have like a police officer uncle who told you that you can die by touching someone who's dealing with that and yeah a lot of times like coke is a huge one where it keeps happening and press pills as well but yeah if you know someone who's struggling with that please carry an arcane on you and administer it as needed by following the directions that's the update we're gonna take a quick break and then we'll be right back all right we're back and let's get in to our submissions hey eminem i need advice about

getting about going on a blind date i have been single for two years my best friend and her husband set me up on a blind date two weeks ago i am very nervous i haven't been in a serious relationship i've had a few flings but nothing serious i am not looking to find my husband or anything, but I am looking for something genuine and real. I'm 26 females, she, her, and I do not want to waste my time anymore. I want a husband and family in the future, so meaningless flings are no longer an option. My issue is I feel like I am going into this with this mindset when I don't want to. I don't want such high expectations from a blind date when I cannot get them out of my head. what can I do to kind of quiet these expectations

and just enjoy the date? I have seen him in pictures, know his occupation and age. Any advice would be great. Is that still considered a blind date? No, but you've seen him. Yeah, I've always wondered what the criteria of that is. You're being set up on a date that's not blind because you're not going in blind.

See, love is blind for example. I heard the UK one is wild. uk reality shows are they're different yeah but they say that they're a little bit they're more mature because like they go in knowing what they want i wonder if they're also a little bit older because it is more common in the uk and like it's it's common in the u.s culturally but like not as like a united states kind of thing but across pretty much all cultures in the uk it's much more common to live at home for a lot longer and you don't move out until you're in a relationship Like it's not a lot of like living in the city with your friends as roommates, really.

So like I could see them being a little bit more serious about that. I think you're contradicting yourself a little bit with this because you're saying that you don't want to waste your time and fuck around. But you do want a husband in the future, but you can't get to the future without focusing on what you want in the present. and then technically this date is in the future so how far in the future if you want to only date to get married like for a husband and you're not ready for that yet then I say don't go on dates right now because if you're have that mindset already then it contradicts that you're not fucking around. Yeah. I would say outline your ideal relationship life plan timeline. I did that like probably when I was like 22 because I'd always said like, oh, you know, I my idea of

what life was going to be like was very different. I was like, you know, I'll go to college. I'll probably meet some guy in college. We'll like date for a couple of years. And I've always said things kind of separately. Like I want to date someone for a couple of years before we live together. And I want to live together for a couple of years before we get married. I want like at least a year long engagement. And then I want to have like a couple of years of being enjoying being married before we have kids. And I would say this, like as a single person who wasn't fucking dating. And then I was like, wait, Megan, if you want all of this by like, back then I was like 27. I was like, you already needed to have met this person. Like, and so like writing all

of it down and like seeing like all of the expectations that you kind of have because when you say like yeah I don't I don't want this now but like I want it in the future it's like okay so what is the future for you and when I like wrote all of that down I was like I can immediately scratch so many things off of this expectation list that like I actually don't really care about anymore and like I still was like I want to be with someone for I want to be friends with someone before we start dating so like it those there's certain things that i like kept from that that i did value um but then other things that i was like oh i actually don't need that and one of the things was like you know i want to have a couple serious relationships before i

settle down and like my months is probably as an adult i what do we consider serious for you i mean like i have boyfriends and guys that i dated but like my longest relationship is high school and then him and so I was able to kind of eliminate that part of like experience and so I would say that like you're saying like I have never been in a serious relationship to me if I'm reading between the lines it sounds like you want to have experience in serious relationships with guys before you were with your husband like you want to like you've had the flings you've had that stuff and you want to be able to like for lack of a better word like test run the playhouse with people so you know going into the relationship that you want to be in and like with your forever

person or whatever that you have that experience there and I think that is like a not an expectation you can set because it's not really something you can control I know a lot of people who are like me and like you know dated casual like dated in high school and like dated in college and then dated a bit out of college but like first like the you have a serious one that you're with for like a long period of time and you can also grow as a person so there are people who like meet their person at 30 and get married at 31 and they're and they have kids that year and then there are people who meet at 22 and they are together for 12 years before they get married or before they have kids and so i think like if you can outline your idea when you say like i want

this in the future when do you want that by because is it about the timeline of accomplishing a husband and kids or is it about the person is it about finding a person who you want to have that with is that because I think if your timeline is I need to calculate pregnancy into it if you're like I want three kids before I'm 35 I think you have to be serious about dating then like you know what I mean like I think it's like you can have anything you want you can't have everything you want, but also you don't necessarily know what you want until you're faced with it. Like there are things that you might not realize you really value. Um, and you might go out with this person and have a great time. And like, I am, and maybe you can help me figure it. I'm trying

to figure out when you say, I can't get the expectations out of your head. Is it expectations of, I need to find a husband and kids or that you just want it to be casual? I think it's a husband and kids yeah so I think like if that is on your mind if it was the other way around and you were like I can't just get like the like I don't want to be have anything serious right now vibe then I would be like yeah don't go out with him but if you're like I can't get the husband like I can't get my expectations of what I want for end goal of dating out of my mind that's great don't get it out of your mind but be forthcoming with the person you're going out with and that's what you're looking for because everybody who is looking for that will be truthful and honest that that is what

they're looking for people aren't going to say that like if and i've had this conversation with so many of my friends who like i love dearly but it drives me fucking crazy where it's like they'll talk to a guy who's like yeah i'm not looking for anything serious and they're like well yeah i'm obviously not looking for anything serious like i want to date for a while and then hopefully like we can like become serious boyfriend girlfriend i go that's not what they mean they have no intention point blank of ever getting to that point and like redefining those things and like trying to come across as like more chill i was like doesn't change what their intention is nor how you feel about it like you're just trying to reframe the reality of the circumstance situation

it's not going to end up well and like i have a friend who's wonderful and is in a serious committed relationship now but i'm like i wish i could have had people date him or at least because like there's a time period before he met his current partner who like he was like no i like want a relationship and he would like not respond back to girls were like i'm not looking for anything serious. And even though I was like, they probably would love to have anything serious. They're just like saying that because they don't want to say, well, no, I don't, I want something serious. I want someone who's not afraid to say they want something serious. Yeah. Men exist like that. And like, if you're not like, it's not a matter of changing how you phrase things.

You will start attracting the wrong people. And as long as you're being transparent with your friends, I think they'll probably set you up with good people. But like, you won't know if you don't try. And I think why you told us that you've seen pictures, know his occupation and age, I think you said that right after you said, how do I quiet these expectations? I think you're already picturing a future with somebody that you don't know yet. And I also think like, I understand like going into the date and setting your intentions as far as like if you want a relationship or saying you don't know what you want. I think it's okay to also state that like, I'm not sure right now yeah that's okay because you aren't to quite be to be quite honest you

don't know what you want right now so just know I think it's not like making a future plan seeing this man walk down the aisle and you haven't even talked to him yet that's not what you should be going into this date with it's just like I'm going to get to know this person because he might not even he might open his mouth and you're like nope that was it like maybe a friend but nope not interested quiet the expectations by knowing that this other person is a human being and he might suck yeah and he probably doesn't since your friends are the ones that are it's your best friend are the ones that are setting you up they might think that he might be great for you and maybe on paper he is but like your personalities might not mesh so just go and enjoy yourself

yeah I've always said like you we we need to treat dating like let me figure out if I like this person not how can I make this person like me and I would also say like you're also allowed after this to be like this felt like way too much pressure because of the friendship setup aspect that to me is a lot of added pressure and I wouldn't feel entirely like doing me like there's just a little bit more pressure there because it feels like oh this person even if you don't hit it off like well this person knows me so well and they think it'll work so it should work so you know I think that's probably an aspect of it there yeah dating is to figure out to narrow down what you want and figure out what you like in practicality just not just on paper come up with

your timeline because when I started realizing that I was like oh I'll have a kid at 30 I was like when I was like 26 I was like that's three years from now I have to get pregnant I was like I don't want to do that so like just know that like the quote-unquote mystic like future of your life is a really long time frame like so there doesn't have to be a rush unless there is and you decide there is and it has to be because that's what you want but you're allowed to want something in the future and like I don't know there's something about like being in your mid to late 20s that like I find a lot of people suddenly start being like okay marriage and kids marriage and kids and it's like you've got so much time like just because you want that it doesn't

mean like it's a do or die now you have to choose if you want to have a husband and kids you you don't like you don't have to do it immediately if you're not ready you're not ready and that's so okay and i don't know where you're from but like that is also really regional based so like there are so many people who are your age and older than you who want those same things but are in no rush to that and everyone will achieve what they want and what they need and like it it'll happen it's just the timelines are set by like societal expectations and then we have to figure out do this actually align with what we want not just what we think we want yep on to the next on to the next okay hi there i need advice on a tricky situation at work two of my co-workers

john 60 and linda 45 i'm by the way that i'm so sad for this already i've been having an affair for a decade. John is married and Linda recently got divorced. Every morning, John leaves his house super early to pick Linda up. They drive to work together and stop at a coffee shop for their morning coffee. They lunch together and after work, he drops her off at home, heading back to his wife. Even on days when he's supposed to work from home, he drives to Linda's house instead and works from there. This has been going on for years, so all of us at work have noticed and figured out their routine. They think they're being sneaky, but it's obvious to everyone. John's wife seems suspicious but doesn't have proof, and John has even gotten mad at her for

being quote-unquote so jealous. So here's the dilemma. Should we tell the wife? We all agree she deserves to know, but no one wants to see the bad guy, even though John is the bad guy here. Going through HR isn't an option, obviously, because office relationships aren't against the rules. If we do tell her, how do we go about it? He can't know it came from anyone at work. I was thinking of anonymously slipping the business card of a private detective into the wife's mailbox. We don't have any solid proof, no pictures or texts, so this might seem like the best approach.

Thanks so much for the advice. I'm 29, female by the way, and absolutely love the pod. Because you don't have proof, because everything that you're saying right now is suspicious, they might be having like an emotional affair, but you don't have proof that they're having a physical affair. And I think both of them are bad, especially if it's been going on for 10 years.

But this is hard to say, because even if you drop a card in a mailbox, who's to say that he's not the one that's checking the mail? Yeah. And how do you know that his wife is also suspicious? Because to me, girl to girl, if I'm like something is susses up with your husband and he is my coworker and I pick up that you are noticing that,

i'm and we're at like a fucking work holiday party and she just goes they're really close i would be like yeah i always wondered that are you friends are you guys like couple friends like i'm guessing she's close to 62 no so i'm saying like there if i knew that the wife was suspicious i have to assume that's because of an interaction you've someone's had with her and that to me would have and the opportunity for me to be like yeah i'm also suspicious because you're kind of just in the same spot that she is where like you don't have any solid evidence or proof but like there's clear indicators which is the same reason probably why she's feeling this way so like i would corroborate that but i'm curious how we know that she is suspicious right and that interaction

didn't happen like you didn't confirm that because i think that's like kind of the most you can do point blank i do think like and i don't mean this like snark you know but you'd be like we can't get hr involved no like oh my god of course you obviously you like no like that's what would you say well they're going off site too like sure it's a work line but like you can't from what i'm seeing here it just seems like they if we don't have any solid proof it seems like that they're friends that carpool together that's like if you brought this to me i'd be like okay they're friends that carpool together and they like to mirror each other on days when it's work from home so they need somebody else there there's nothing here that screams a fair except it does

but like not in a way that that is solid proof for hr and taking it to the wife yeah unless she has already said something to you to your face yeah that's i agree with that and like i would like to remind everybody that the ned try guy situation that all blew up because there were photos of them making out at a fucking bar like a club or a bar in new york by themselves i mean if i'm like writing the script for this if this is like a movie i'm waiting until a work holiday party and i'm striking up a conversation with his wife that is in the same vein of how it was i'm assuming the initial conversation she had where she expressed suspicions about the relationship and that would be it but I think like it sounds like you have the same feelings that she does

and while it is helpful to know that she's that like if I were her it'd be helpful to know that like oh other people see that if she hasn't found solid evidence or proof that he is doing that and she was looking for that to leave I just don't I don't know I'm like a firm believer that I don't think a woman is suspicious about her relationship and it's just kind of like okay with that like I just don't envision that whatsoever so like I think if like she was suspicious she would figure out she would be digging because I don't I think if you figured it out she would have figured it out so I either think that you think she should be suspicious but there's been no confirmation of that or she's resigned to this like I just don't foresee someone like I don't foresee the alternative

and if she's actually suspicious I don't think leaving a PI thing in her mailbox is going to help because she would have already thought about that herself yes and also like what if you are wrong is your job not important to you like if you don't have solid proof shut your don't say anything don't say anything because your job could be on the line yeah i i think that there's like if you ethically are like i would want someone to say this i would want someone to tell me the only thing that you can do is innocuously bring it up in person of being like i would just say something about it's like a work from home thing and then be like oh yeah you know i was thinking like talking to another co-worker we should really do that thing that he and

whatever linda do where it's like they like work together from her place and like marriage other something like that that's like kind of the most that you can say i think or become a pi yourself you know where they're going yeah and get the info like if that's what it is but i think like it's sure it's definitely nice for other people to kind of be like we have our suspicions about this as well i think if she's staying in this relationship right now and she's like hardcore suspicious about him cheating i think she needs concrete proof to get out of the marriage and to divorce and i think unless you're providing that yeah it doesn't sound like he's like a master manipulator because you've all figured this out too so it's been 10 years yeah i'm a big believer

and like if you would want someone to tell you you should tell the other person um but i think you need to recognize that you can only tell the facts and you can tell how you feel about them and you can tell the suspicions that you have but if you're looking for a slam dunk and you want to be helpful find the slam dunk like if she already has a suspicion you also being suspicious doesn't really help her in that but you know if you want to protect your job then it's you can't have everything right but yeah this is this is wild to me and i have to say what industry do you work in because the way if this was my work drama i would already figured it out and have solid proof i know me too also not to be ageist but i they're not the youngest people ever so like what's the social

media literacy like? Where are the where the lapses in how up to date they are in certain things? Like, I feel like you could figure that. Do they know how to clean their search history? Do they know how to are they hiding their text messages under different names in their phone? Like, I think as a young person, there's probably some gaps in this that his wife not might not be able to find. All right. Next one. Megan and Melissa, I am a longtime listener and so excited to finally call in. Not very excited about the reason I am calling, though. You're right.

I recently moved into my dorm last week. I am female with she, her pronouns and 18. I went random for my roommate as I am at a school most of my friends did not go to. I got a full ride scholarship, so it made it a no brainer. My roommate moved in a week prior because she is doing the whole sorority thing. So when my parents and I showed up to move in, she wasn't there. I was grateful for that as I would get to meet her on my own terms and had time for a real goodbye with my parents before I don't see them for a few months.

So after I am all settled in, I decided to go explore campus and familiarize myself with the building I'd have classes in. Well, I walked back into my dorm and guess what I find? My roommate having sex. oh i was not judgmental but it was so not how i planned our first meeting i made an awkward noise and they both looked at me completely unbothered oh my gosh that's worse that's actually worse that's the worst part what why did you stay i'm sorry it's giving uh john wall it's getting worse I introduced myself quite awkwardly and stepped outside to give them privacy to dress.

Why did you stay? Girl. Wow. Well, they did not take the time to get dressed. They took time to finish, quite loudly, unfortunately. So I am standing outside in the hallway for about 15 minutes before he finally emerges. I walk back into the room. You didn't even give it time to air out.

I walk back into the room and she is in the shower. Our dorm is thick with the smell of sex. I was so grossed out. I wanted to leave, but was exhausted from a long day of travel and walking around. So she comes out of the bathroom and is laughing about what happened, not apologizing. Since then, I have not seen much of her. You already saw a lot. She is always doing activities for her possible sorority and coming in when I'm sleeping.

i thought we would bond but i wouldn't even know her last name if it wasn't for the roommate portal am i being naive is this normal i was expecting to be at least friends but we are more like strangers i am not sure what to do see this is why you shouldn't have expectations yeah this is actually not necessarily why i've ever thought about it but now this is why i'm like yeah you shouldn't have expectations because apparently this is on the table this is on the table, which I, I didn't, I didn't know what would be worse if they were having it like on the desk and you saw everything, everything, but they were unbothered. So I wouldn't be surprised if in the future they just do it. Well, like you might be sleeping, you wake up and they're over there

having sex. So I would brace myself for that. I forget you are 18. This is your first time living away from home. I would come up with, uh, since she was, it wasn't a big deal with her just say, hey, I don't want to, you know, interrupt you in the future. Can we can you just like text me if you have somebody coming over or the old trick of leaving a sock on the door? Just something just like let me know that you have somebody over just so that I won't bother you. If she is rushing a sorority, she may not have time to be your friend. Probably not. I would just think of this as a roommate situation. Make friends with other people. If you ever walk into a situation like this again, do not stay and introduce yourself. Just close the door and leave. Go to

the lounge area. You can relax there. Go somewhere else. There are other people around, people who are especially freshman year are ripe to make new friends. Find somebody else that has a room on your floor that you can be friends with and you can go hang out with in case something like this happens again befriend someone with a single yeah i'm sorry this happened but because she was so casual about this it will probably happen again next time be prepared yeah yeah also if somebody is having sex don't go in immediately after crack a window yeah wait like that's nauseating to me yes the smell of other people's juices no thank you disgusting and the and the slight stench of condom yeah i think you need to fully cut your expectations of like wanting to be

friends i'm shocked that that is still kind of what it's not maybe you still want the way that i would never i would like no i don't want i can't look this person's eyes i know i can't looking in the fucking eyes so i would think like setting boundaries being expectations you know all that i was a horrible college roommate so fucking bad and my lovely fantastic wonderful roommatery i did not deserve her so fucking kind to me gave me so much grace like i love her to this day she's like the sweetest and she put up with like a lot of shit that i did like a lot of like bad shit a lot of dangerous shit a lot of stupid fucking shit and I regret I feel so bad all the time so like don't accept that be like she was so kind and like accepting that that I did not

fucking do and I would I know did not do would never have done but you know it has to go both ways like you can be about you have to respect each other and like that is not respect and so like i say all of this is like i was a i was not a good roommate but like i love her and i respected her and like if i fucked up i was like i'm so sorry and i'm like i will do better and then i didn't do it again and then like you know she would give me tough love like it was that but it was built on respect so you don't not only have a bad roommate you have a bad roommate who doesn't respect you and to me i don't think there's coming back from that so i think like you are truly just roommates and um be like like i said like hey give me a heads up put a sock on

the door do something like that and yeah it's college baby also if she's rushing if like you had sex in your dorm while you were like in the early rushing process the way you'd get kicked out so fast it depends on the school yeah i mean i'm saying my school like i mean they'd probably like hold it over your head and then everyone would talk about it but like yeah we were like you weren't even allowed to go to parties it so part of me is like I hope she can keep under wrap so she could get in that sorority so like she will be gone all the time and she's not gonna pivot and try and be like besties but yeah I just don't envision if that's the first impression you give I can only imagine when you really let your true color show and let your guard down and you

relax i can only imagine how much more you're about to see so really instill boundaries and i can't stress enough a friend who has a single room and also befriend your ra just imagine you're you're already in the room studying she walks in with a guy and they start having sex they know you're there it's not like a a whoops a whoopsie they know you're there so i think you gotta lay down the law now be nice about it just like hey girl um so awkward how we first met like laugh about it and say you know like if this if i don't want to interrupt you guys or anybody that you're with again so just just send me a text i know that we had we were just meeting you didn't know that when i would be back i'm sure you just saw my stuff here you didn't know where i was just send

me a text ping me just ping me and i'll get out of your hair i'll get right out but yeah and yeah befriend your ra i can't tell you how many times it wasn't for this reason but it'd be that i forgot my key and i didn't want to wake my roommate up for the ten thousandth time i felt so bad so of course i would just wake my my ra up and i would sleep on his floor so befriend your ra they probably can't let you do that my ra was uh he was like a seven story you've told me from him i'm like i love there's a lot of things that you should have been doing no of course not i love that man so fucking much um and also he was the last choice of an ra he found out the like four days before move-in day because everyone else started dropping out i loved him and you know

he had he dated some of the most beautiful women i had ever seen and i was like hey my ra you're getting these girls and like he's very cute but like these girls were they loved him so much they were willing to come to the dorm room full of annoying freshmen to be with him and i was like hey impressive it's impressive okay best of luck on your college endeavors all right we're gonna take a break and we get back we'll get into the last one We'll see you next time. we are back and it's time for the last one hi i'm melissa and megan i'm looking for advice about dating a guy with a kid i'm 21 she her pronouns i'm dating a guy who's 28 he has a

five-year-old son that i have yet to meet he does not want me to meet him unless we are serious and i highly respect him for that he's not having women in and out of his son's life that he doesn't see a future with we have been together about six months and the conversation begun for me to meet him at Thanksgiving as he will have him that holiday and he is hosting. I'm super nervous about that. I don't know if I'm ready for it. I've never met his son's mother, but she knows about me. She's single, but I've never thought anything was going on between them. They seem to co-parent really well. We spend all of our time together when he isn't with his son. He has a beautiful relationship with him, but am I not too young to be like a stepmom essentially to a

five-year-old? I mean, I was 16 when he was born. Am I mature enough? These are questions that keep popping into my head. He seems like a great kid and I mean, he's five. I don't know why I'm so nervous I told my boyfriend I would get back to him about possibly meeting him he also mentioned he had to run it by his son's mother but he wanted to ask me if I was interested first help I need your unbiased advice I am not sure what to do I'm in the firm belief that you should meet the other parent before you meet the kid and that should be a conversation a choice that they come to together and I think if you are questioning if you are ready it is a hard no and I think that that is your duty and responsibility to express that and there's a thing when you date someone

who has a kid i've never dated someone who's had a kid but like heard this but like that for the time that you're with them they're not a parent because the kid is not around and so it seems really easy it seems like you know on paper like oh they've got a kid like oh shit that's really scary it's like oh i thought that too but we started dating and like you know but then when they're a parent you're not there for that part so like you do kind of have this like different idea and kind of ignorance of it that like you might not actually be cool with dating someone who has a kid because you would be a stepmom in that situation and it would be serious and like if you're not ready to settle down for whatever that means like you're not ready point

blank and once you have a kid like shit is more serious you're not going to date like you would as a, how old are you? 21. You're not going to date like a 21 year old. It is going to be a lot serious, most likely a lot quicker. You're probably going to get married a lot quicker. There's going to be like living together, moving in together. There's that. You're not going to be able to take it at the same pace you would as a relationship with someone who's 28 who doesn't have kids. So I think this is an indicator to you that you might really like him, but his circumstance as a whole the big picture of that is not really where you want to be right now yeah and i think that if you're dating somebody with a kid that should be before you even when

you find out they have a kid you should think in your mind do i want to be this kid's step parent and if that's a no right off the bat if you're having doubts then you should stop dating that person because you're essentially wasting their time. And you say yourself, you're not mature enough that this person, this child was born when you were 16. You're too young to be a stepmother. I don't think that this is, if you're having these doubts and he's so careful about who he's introducing to his kid, then this isn't the relationship for you. Because when you date somebody that has kids, you're essentially also in a relationship with their children too, even if you haven't met them or not, because those people are going to eventually, if you're going

to continue dating this person, they're eventually going to be in your life. So if you can't accept them fully, then that shouldn't be somebody that you're with. Yeah. Cause even when they're not with their kid, they're always a parent and you might not see that side of them yet, but like that doesn't go away and you can't keep that separate forever i will also say that like i respect that he hasn't introduced you to his son already i do have some questions about him introducing you at thanksgiving that to me is a lot and it's also kind of a really hefty expectation which i hope you color i think maybe consciously or subconsciously you recognize that that is a family holiday and you will not be spending, I don't know what your friends or

family, whatever, found family, your circumstance or your situation. So like, let's just say that you live in a different city than your family or those who you call or consider family. If you were in the same location and city, was that who you'd pick over? Because that is choosing one family over the other. And like, is that your family? Is your boyfriend and his son? Is that your family you're going to spend your family holiday with or are you going to spend it like do you view your family as your family primarily like there is a very big difference in that and I think like you know introducing at like a drop-off or a pickup or like you know you're at like somewhere and it's like oh this is this is like daddy's friend and it's like mom is there

dad is there you are there and it's like a you know a little but it's not a sit down here you go we're having a family again and as a five-year-old knows it's a family holiday you will be then a girlfriend at a family holiday that is like a huge commitment in itself that i do question this guy because i don't know i don't think you've been like expertly fooling him that you are so ready to be a stepmother like you sound pretty like you've been pretty transparent with him about your nerves too and that he would that that automatically for him isn't like a oh well like sleep on it to me I don't like like I would be like if I even sense a hint of doubt from you like no like that's not worth it like Melissa said like if you are even like swiping right on someone and

they have a kid like the first question is not do I like this guy it is am I ready to be a step parent and also it's august and he's planning for november so like this dude sees a future with you do you see a future with him i i just i think it should be you should be meeting the mother in like october and then she can decide if she wants her kid around you a group decision um not group a duo decision you're not part of that decision and then if so i don't think that you should be meeting on thanksgiving it should be another day yeah and like a year like it's not even a year into dating and like i don't know i also have like a lot of trepidation about a 28 year old man with a kid pursuing a relationship with a 21 year old yep and i'd be curious how

old the mom is because unfortunately it is quite common for single young or for single dads who are pretty much exclusively dating young women uh that it is a built-in babysitting gig like it's just not it doesn't indicate serious to me like i it's you're saying one thing and you're doing another like you're really serious about like not introducing too early but you're gonna you're gonna bring your girlfriend of less than a year to thanksgiving and she's 21 and isn't sure that she wants to be a stepmom like to me that doesn't match what he says his morals and ideals are around the circumstance situation and he's also been 21 before so it would take a hell of a lot of convincing for me if i was a single mom at this age it would take a hell of a lot of convincing

from a 21 year old guy who was like no i'm ready to be a dad like before if i ever i wouldn't date them still but like do what I mean like you would have to really convince me of that because I would be like I've been your age before like I that is not where my priorities were and you're not that like it doesn't seem like you've been so gung-ho on it so yeah I don't think you would be a bad person for declining I think it is a very odd circumstance and I think he should have asked his kid's mom first not you but yeah no no hate on you I want to like stress that like I don't think you're doing anything wrong i think you shouldn't be honest your feelings with him like you're with us and you are too young you're right your instincts are all right all right well that's

the last one thank you so much for listening we hope you all enjoyed you can always leave us a review on the podcast app or you can also leave a episode specific review on spotify you can join our patreon we do live streams twice a month they are so very fun and you can also support the show their any dollar amount but if you have specific ones we have tiers and you can watch the video versions of the podcast that are also ad free very very fun see how great and gorgeous and beautiful we look as always please submit into the phone number the email as well as our dms for write-ins and call-ins for upcoming episodes and you can call slash write in as well for a don't blame them where you give your own advice pertaining to a call you've heard on this episode

or previous episode that you want to give your own advice to i would love if people who have dated parents and like specifically if you have dated not your parents no we could hear about that but that's a different episode i don't want to hear but i don't want to either but that doesn't fit this bill um but specifically those of you who um in your early 20s dated um single dads would love that follow us on socials if you work in the olympics or olympic space slide into our dms call us send a carrier give us a small signal we'll do anything we love you and bye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz

production assistance by melanie d watson and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter