Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Miserable in Your Boyfriend's Home Country

Episode Date: October 3, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update: Telling your friends your getting back with your ex Changing careers Confronting a friend about a drinking problem Saving your mom's MAGA friend Moving to a new country Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You're richer than you think. welcome to another episode of don't blame me where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and we are megan and melissa and we have something so exciting for you we have a live update which we have not done in so long i will say it is without a doubt a good one so this is a podcast where we give wonderful amazing life-changing advice and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com or you can send us a dm to our instagram for the written version keep it under 300 words for the audio version under three minutes and we

ask for all of them that you write it all down prep ahead of time and you can just read it out loud if you would like you also have to be 18 and over have your parents permission we ask that you let us know your age that's truthfully the most important part and then any other relevant information so he can get like a good read on the situation so we give you the best advice possible and you might take our advice and then we never hear from you again you might not take our advice don't hear from me for a while and then you come back and say i didn't take your advice here's what happens and at the end of the day we're not going to judge you asterisk the asterisk is we will inevitably judge some of you but i i will say that we're really good at judging you to your face if

we're judging you you don't have to worry about if we're like you know being nasty behind like we'll tell you how we feel and we'll tell you what we think face exactly because we we want what's best for you yeah but you can also tell us if you're sensitive and we will without a doubt keep that in consideration but also as we've said before and you'll hear us say in the update we might give fantastic advice we also sometimes don't take our own advice and it's really easy for us to be in this spot and that doesn't mean that like we don't get ourselves in some sticky issues or situations that we go i know the advice i would give someone for this but that's what we're here for is to be that voice of reason in your head and you might not take our advice the first

time around but at least that voice will be there yeah and then you'll come back around and we'll never say i told you so we'll never judge any of that like sometimes we have to fall flat on our face and that's fine it's a learning experience and we're we're here to be here when you come back around so without further ado actually we had to have a little bit of further ado because i had to burp without actual further ado let's get into the update the original call was in november of 2023 so i ignored everything that you said give us a recap first what would yeah give us give remind people what it was about oh so I had called in originally asking for advice and how to tell my friends that I was going to get back with a boy that they did not like and my hope was that

you'd be like oh yeah so what you do is you tell them this and you were like girl no that's not what you do and you gave me the harsh reality which I didn't want to hear so I was like thanks bye and then didn't take any advice that you said um but I advise that's not what you do One second. I just want to clarify. You said a boy, but this is also like an old man, wasn't it? A grown man. Yes. Like how much older than you? He's about to be 42. So like 12 years older than me. Yeah. So from the outside, a middle-aged man. From the inside, a petulant child.

Yeah. That is honestly exactly what it is. yeah um so I'm mad yeah and yeah I wanted advice of how to tell my friends I was going to get back with him and what I did was completely ignore your advice be like I got this um and then swiftly just ignore my friends pretty much like not ignore them but I would just not mention him and then just started to slip it back into conversation like two months later I they be like oh where are you going after like being at the pub and I'd be like uh his and then it would just like slip in that way so it kind of got yeah that's how it got back and what I thought I thought I was being really sneaky I was like look at me I've got this they knew they knew straight away

but what they were doing was exactly what one of you said I can't remember which one said it but like you were like you've listened to the podcast for years and you've had people like you've heard people ring in to say my friend is in this bad relationship what do I do and like you you know that they're gonna like leave and that's basically what they did they didn't leave but they were like trying to protect themselves a bit which I get which breaks my heart a lot because I hurt them in that process which is like really shit but we've had a talk and it's all fine now yeah we've all been there that's not yeah that's not a that's something that all friendships endure at a certain point I think yeah yeah but I over the like until we're gonna say July was the pivot so it's been

like so from like November to July there's been a lot of on and off time okay which it was never actually off it never was it was me being like I'm done okay can I sleep over like that kind of think straight away so it was a lot of that but in that time I've done a lot of work on myself and I've realized a lot about me and I was doing that whilst I was still with him so I think I was like pulling away quite a lot even when I was still with him like I wouldn't see him for like two weeks and then then see him again like I actually ended up like not being bothered if I saw him or not so I think I needed that like pull away time yeah I was like reading books I was listen to podcasts I was going to like talks there's like in this in like the city centre

where I am there would be like talks about narcissists talks about this like trauma and I'd be like sat there with my notepad like tell me please fix me please um so I was doing all of that work and my friend my best friend who's just like my rock was like you like why don't you just like leave him like why don't you just cut him off now like just block him now just and I was like no I need to feel that it's ended so I I went round one last time and I knew it would be the last time like I felt it and I said to myself like just deal with it one more time and you don't have to do it again and I was saying that that makes me really sad now like I would say that to myself walking in like you have to deal with that one more time and then and then

that's it but like I got there and I said like like surely you felt the difference between because like we hadn't seen each other for like two weeks and just hadn't spoken he also then it also been my birthday and he didn't acknowledge my birthday at all which he does quite a lot but it's not surprising it's not fine no like the year before um he didn't acknowledge my birthday again and then created an argument because a few days later I'd said like you didn't say it was my birthday and he was like I didn't realize you were fucking 10 and needed a party like no I just would like you to say happy birthday maybe but um there'd been like a time when we hadn't spoken for like two weeks I was like surely you know that there's like something and then he just lost it like

completely blew up so when he like stopped having a little tantrum and calmed down I was like going to leave and said this is it isn't it like this is the end like we're done now and then left and then I haven't spoken to him since it's been I know it's only I'm gonna say it's only been two months but that's a lot of time that's great yeah thank you it's been 60 days in that time I have blocked his number and deleted it which is like huge for me because like normally I'd be like we're done hey like all the time but I've blocked and deleted his number um haven't spoken to him he on the other hand has not stopped talking to me which is really like it's harmful should I say but like I'm I have like a good support system so it's fine but like I have multiple missed call

multiple unknown calls a day like constantly and he emails me but do you know if you block an email like goes to your junk yes but but but when you go to your junk if you click at the top there's a button that says mute and then it'll make it so then you won't see it okay yeah because that was the problem so I was like blocked it I was like ha ha ha I did it and then would actively look for the email so even though it's blocked like it comes to with like the little stop sign yeah and again it's like a red flag I run towards it like a bull so I was like I'm gonna open that and hurt myself and like they were horrific they're awful emails like that he's a disgusting person but so I was reading them so I was like most days I was like spiraling like ringing my friend like

crying like oh you said this you said that and then it got to one point my friend was like you're now actively choosing to read them so you're hurting yourself now like you're choosing to read it and I needed that harsh reality of that so that so that I haven't read them since the end of August then I know they're there but I haven't gone to read them. The longer you go the easier it gets because it's like it becomes like um a harmful habit and then when you break that habit you realize you don't realize how much it does harm you until you stop doing it and then you're like why am I gonna consciously seek out to do that again so that's that's one that you just have to the longer you withhold it the more you become the less interested you become so yeah I understand

that and I also think that like that probably the smartest thing you could have done for you was to maintain staying with him while getting over him which a lot of people do like that is something that like a lot of women we just do in general and as somebody who also needs like when I'm done I'm done but if I'm not done I don't know like I like I have to know and I have to have those definitive kind of moments and like it is like on and off kind of switch and so when you have to build up to that point like I needed to leave him before I actually left him yeah like completely yeah because it's like well what if what if what if and you're like no I already know the what ifs like I already know that like yeah this is the fact that we've gotten here the fact that like

I've been pulling away and he hasn't said anything and it's not like a test necessarily but it's just like it affirms the ideas you have in your head and you get to see it play out versus like oh well I can assume this is how he feels or I can assume whatever but it's like no like we're still technically with each other and i'm doing all of this and all of that stuff that it's like now i'm ready to leave him because it's not like well what has he been doing the last couple months maybe he's been working on him like you know that he hasn't and so like you know who you're leaving when you're leaving him yeah like i know he wouldn't like he doesn't think he has done anything wrong i don't think when he has like he literally probably should be in prison but like

yeah he's awful he i don't think he will realize that anything that he does is wrong so i don't think there's any change I mean like can an old dog learn new tricks he's like 42 so I think he's like stuck in his ways now but I have like I know it I know it's different this time like I feel it like I'm talking about it here and like I had to tell work which was like so embarrassing and I still like want to claw my own skin off but I was like worried that he would show up at my work so I had to like tell my work and I think now I can't go back on that like that is yeah awful and just things like that so I've like I know it's different this time yeah are you like continually listening to podcasts and going to talks and stuff like you were maybe not as much

anymore I'm finding it since and I was doing a lot of it before like a lot of the work I was doing the work like before the breakup and the breakup wasn't whatever but um now I'm finding it harder to do that I think I'm quite raw from it like I'm remembering things it sounds so dramatic but I'm like I can't even listen to anything to do with like that situation like that similar situation because I'm just like oh don't like it don't like it yeah because I think I'm my brain has been shut off for so long because I will never I can I never acknowledge like I can't even say the word like that the abuse word I hate that word like I I can't even say it like I can't acknowledge that that was me so like now my brain is like now opening up like allowing me

to remember things it's then harder to do a lot of the work I was doing before but I think it was good that I did it before yeah yeah it's it's triggering and like that's like something that it's like you get to a certain point where it's like you needed to hear other people's stories and all this other stuff to kind of put the pieces together to apply to your life so you can make the decision but then once you're like out of that circumstance and situation our brains want it to be like now i'm good so like i'm out of it i'm good but then when you keep listening to all of that it's like oh this might have inflicted more stuff on me than i am ready to process and like that's very okay it's like very okay to be like i have to decompress from getting out of this

before i work on any lasting effects that this has had on me because like it's exhausting but I started therapy which I'm like such an advocate for other people but when it came to me I was like I don't deserve to go like I don't need to go other people need to go before me all that kind of stuff but I like started I've been to four now and I'm going weekly but I've like not even spoken about the situation yet with like I sit down and she's like how was your week and I'm like it's great I've had a really good week but it takes time for you to this is a new person that you're going to be spilling your guts to so you need to you want to gain their trust yeah it's i think it's good i'm going um i'm just at

the minute just in denial that i need to talk about anything so yeah she's like do you have like like there's a reason you've come isn't there and i'm like probably maybe i don't know yeah you work up to it you work up to it and that's fair it takes a minute how are your friends and like are their response to this now oh like incredible like so supportive they've now been able to like tell me what they were thinking the whole time whereas even in the past like breakups like we had they were quite uh like hesitant to be like forthcoming with their opinions because they knew i would just then go back sometimes they would snap and be like well he's a fucking waste of space he's a prick he's this and then they kind of stopped doing that

because they realized i was just gonna go back but now they've been like yeah it was really shit for us and i was like yeah i'm like i'm so sorry well i think it's good for people to hear that like the friends on the other side of that the issue is the guy the issue is the relationship and when that's not there those friendships still prevail like your friends do want they want what's best for you they want to be friends with you and they want to support you and all of that stuff and like even though when someone's going through a very bad relationship sometimes people just like can't support that that like yeah those friends aren't going to abandon you like if you like if you're done with that relationship like they will be there and like will not do the whole I told you

so don't ask for me for help I already tried like never said anything like that and even like the whole time even when they wouldn't they weren't asking about it because I was never forthcoming with information ever they would have to like pry it out of me but they just stopped doing that and that was like protect themselves and yeah i completely understand that because that's what one of you guys said um in the original call i'm like i knew that and then i know that i knew that before but like i just wasn't putting it together different when you're in the situation yeah i don't know how i ended up here i don't understand we go through we all go through something like this but i'm so happy for you and this is like such a good like you're like you said before we

start recording that you're like I'm really proud of myself like you should be proud of yourself we're very proud of you like this is no I know but like it is and I'm I'm very much the same way like in the sense of like whatever like everything's fine like I totally get that and it's kind of like a a slower process especially if you're not keen to like letting people in again also very me I understand that but there is the work that you have like done it's it's not coincidental like it's not coincidental that you got yourself out of this situation and that like you won't be in this situation again because you've learned so much about yourself and you've also learned like what to look out for and who your friends are and all this kind of stuff and

I'm never gonna say I'm glad you didn't take our advice but I'm I'm glad that you did what you had to do to get out of that because it's so easy for us to just say like he's a fucking old loser like it's so easy for us to say that and to be like we agree with your friends break up with him and all of that kind of stuff and if you i think had just gone through with that and did that i don't think you'd be where you are now i think you'd still be in the cycle of getting back i'll be in the cycle absolutely yeah and be like what the what ifs of it all yeah i don't actually even miss him like I have no it's now just like I'm just a bit not scared but like what's gonna happen next kind of thing but like I have things in place and like there's people around me and stuff so

like I'm very safe it's fine but I'm not like pining whereas before I was like just wanted his approval all the time would cut my own legs off to make sure he was fine and whatever I don't think that's a real saying but it is now it's a great thing but now I just really don't care yeah and you needed to get to that like point and no one else can like tell you how to get there so you know we give people shit when they don't listen to our advice but like I also don't listen to my own advice like sometimes we know ourselves and how we need to get to that end goal and sometimes like for me I sometimes need to explode my own life and then pick up the shrapnel like I'm not going to avoid the bomb sometimes i'm going to walk straight into it literally yeah it's easier

to be on the outside looking in and giving advice but when you're actually going through it there's certain emotions you have to go through that you have to unfortunately learn lessons so then you know how to protect yourself in the future yeah yeah that was like incomplete denial i hope he dies me too yeah right yeah everybody just collectively i hope you die cross your fingers exactly send your ill wishes straight to him so yeah but i'm so happy for you that this is like yeah this is like a whole new era of you yeah but we're so proud of you like this is great and i'm I'm so happy for you and entering into like the next chapter of life and I always say that like when you date someone atrocious and you actually take the time to like learn the lessons and

process it like the next person you date it's like a total night and day kind of difference versus like maintaining that shitty cycle and yeah like you just deserve you deserve so many great things and he deserves to be 60 under so many terrible terrible terrible things he deserves the guillotine if only he knew there was so many people wishing him dead yeah he'd probably thrive off that no he probably would this man's in his 40s i'm sure he already knows he's like almost there yeah he's so close if brie was here brie would say that man's an uncontested door already 40 42 yeah get his bus pass exactly r.i.p oh well i'm so glad that this was the update and not you were married or something yeah yeah imagine most of why would you say that that actually

have the worst yes i would be the worst that really would be well being pregnant would be the worst i think if i think if you got married or pregnant we would have just never heard from you again I don't think yeah I keep like I'll I won't join the live streams but just keep my money it's fine yeah I kept checking in though I know you did you did and I would just bounce every time sorry it's 2am I gotta go so funny literally would get out of this so fast I can't I can't I noticed it too I was like okay not gonna say anything but something's afoot one time i was at his house during the live stream yeah that would have been really funny hey this is him we were like we i would get we would call jacob up on the live stream being

jacob cut this guy out yeah oh my god but uh i'm sure people would love to hear this update yeah they will thank you so much thank you what a doozy love that girl to pieces yeah i hope for any of you who have like been i feel like everybody's either been her or been the friends like and i think universally all of us have been and a lot of times both people at some point or the other so i just want to reiterate the fact that um your friends and like the people around you if they want what's best for you it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get there that they want to be there to help you and support you and even if it takes you a while to get to that place a good a good friend's never gonna say i told you so right a good friend sometimes

that it's too much for them and they have to take a step back but they'll they'll be there when you need them need them we're gonna take a break when we get back we'll get into some calls and some write-ins hear that it's your money calling it wants a promotion elevate your savings with the scotia high interest savings account always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotiabank. You're richer than you think. Let's dive in. First is a write-in. Hi, Eminem. I'm writing in for advice. I'm a 27-year-old

female, and I graduated with a bachelor's degree in public health in 2019. My first job was for an aquatics coordinator at Parks and Rec, and while I knew I didn't want to work in aquatics forever, I enjoyed it because I had a great supervisor and felt successful in the role. My next job at the health department, however, was a disaster. There was discrimination and other unethical behavior by my division administrator, and HR was complicit. After a year of searching, I moved back into Parks and Rec as an adaptive recreation coordinator, but I'm not happy here either. The work environment isn't a good fit and I don't get along with my supervisor's leadership style as well as I thought I would. I can last here for a while, but I don't want to be here long term. I am back on the job

hunt, but I want my next job to be more of a long term job. I'm considering HR because I'm passionate about DEI and creating supportive workplaces. But here's my dilemma. I'm hesitant because HR is often seen as protecting the company, not employees. And I don't want to invest in getting qualified for something I'm unsure about. I applied to a few HR positions already, but I didn't get any interviews. I also don't enjoy networking events, so I'm not sure where to go from here. How do I explore HR or any new career without spending time and money on something that might not be the right fit? What are other ways I can learn about different fields and get a sense of what I'd actually enjoy? Thank you so much. P.S. The job searching has taken a

toll on my mental health over the last year or so of my life, and having your almost daily podcast to listen to have really given me something to look forward to. I'm grateful for the both of you. Oh, well, thank you. Thank you. I'm glad that's why we do it. Okay. Thank you for listening. glad we can be there for you. Unfortunately, if you are trying to get experience and are trying to work in a field that you don't have actual experience in, sometimes you do have to pay money so that you have experience. You have to get some type of certificate, take some type of class. Like if it's something like HR, they're really not going to be looking for someone that has no experience and no education that backs that up as far as like doing something that's like hr but

you want to help the people that work there you can't do that with hr like you're like your job is literally to help the company but like you could be a recruiter that's different that's i don't think you have to necessarily have a specific path but you like networking you have to like networking yeah so like that's something or you could work in dei but again with dei you're going to need some type of educational background or certificate which you can get they're not they're inexpensive i know that harvard and i believe stanford both have dei courses that you know they're they're they cost money but they're not the same amount of money that like a full degree cost but you can get a certificate my friend did that but a lot of dei jobs are going

away because they were just a response to what happened to george floyd and people and companies and businesses were pretending like that they actually cared but they don't yeah i agree with all that i think you will have a hard time if you don't want to network which is the free version of gaining that that's gaining connections versus gaining accreditation or knowledge or experience or whatever so you kind of do have to most people do both but like you kind of have to pick your poison like pick one that you're going to be able to deal with but i honestly think like if di is something that you are very passionate

about even if you don't take a job in that having that accreditation and that knowledge will help you in your career i don't know that getting certified or doing whatever you need for hr because again it does protect the company i don't know if that will be a transferable skill so i think like viewing your resume as an amalgamation of things that apply to many different fields i think is the best way to go about it as opposed to like getting your becoming a cpa and then realizing you don't want to work in finance anymore like that's not super transferable versus like a teaching credential.

A lot of employers are like, you are a teacher. Wow, this is something that like, it might not feel totally related, but there's a certain assumption of like the skillset and the environment you're used to working in and all of those kinds of things. So I would pick those things first than just trying to do the HR thing

and then seeing if you like it once you're actually in it and there. And honestly, the best way is networking. and I don't know what your dislike of that is if it's feeling like network yeah that's what I'm gonna say it's like if it's like an anxiety like a social anxiety thing reach out to people online first like start over email maintain those kinds of things LinkedIn is great for that yeah and like have a routine that you're like offer to take someone to coffee have a coffee shop that you go to when you do this it doesn't have to be like your regular one like have it be that like have

it be a timed out thing have the list of questions you have for all of that you and that is like a great thing like monster sets up all the time where he has like friends who will be like hey can i like pick your brain about something or whatever like can i like can we just like talk and anytime anyone like is moving to like la like he's had a lot of different jobs all throughout the industry and people will ask all these questions and like that is something that is an inevitable thing that you might feel like your way you're taking people's time but you will then have to do that for other people like you will then ask that of people and so i think that's also a great way to figure out other jobs and like things you might end up liking but i also think

another way to do that and to find out like what you enjoy and what you're passionate about is also to like look at your life outside of work so if you have a a really strong sense of like justice and morality and those things that can be very hard to apply that to a profitable career not just like a position like so would you have enjoyed your job more if you had volunteer you were working in something else on the weekends for fun you had a volunteer opportunity or you had a hobby or something like that um because as someone who like i am very cause driven and all that you can understand that that is what might might be what fuels you but it also might not be the thing that pays your bills and you can do both, but it's just about figuring out what that

is. Cause unfortunately a job is not going to check off every single box, but what are the ones that you actually need it to check off at this point? Right. You know? Right. Cause I also have many aspects of what I do for work. And there are some things that I don't necessarily like, but they are substantial enough where it keeps me paid so I can do the other things I like or prepare for the other things I'm like and I'm also I'm always like doing classes or doing like I'm in the mayor's entrepreneur class right now and did I tell you that I got selected of course you did Melissa I'm not shocked I didn't think this was an enroll I think you had to get picked yeah so you're so close to ken of me i know i'm getting um there's a whole

graduation and everything i'm not going um but there's a whole graduation i've been doing it for weeks i never told you about it sorry so this is this happens this happens constantly but yeah i've been doing that i take writing classes all the time i'm reaching out on LinkedIn all the time that's been a big thing that I've been doing this year and it's got it's opened a lot of doors and you know there's LinkedIn influencers which I don't really understand but they love it if you ever want to not be able to pry away from a conversation I know a man who will talk your ear off about that and I live with him yeah I'm aware um and I get reached out to people all the time about asking advice and there was a point where I was very

annoyed with it but I'm like I'm doing the same thing for when I started being more active like I'm doing the same thing I need to give back to because I'm asking other people so I have to be the one giving back as well but unfortunately in this capitalistic society that we live in and you want to switch careers networking is kind of part of it like all the things that you want you don't want to do that's all part of you you got a network you know you say you like things cost money well you're working on a new skill like unless you want to go do an unpaid internship then that's time yeah then that's time you have to make an investment somewhere or if that is like so miserable to you which is like i'm not judging like that's a totally fine

and fair thing to be like i like literally cannot do that then you're staying at your job and like what's more miserable to you and like that's not supposed to be like patronizing or anything like that like i as someone who gets like analysis and like i mean gets decision paralysis of being like oh my god i don't want to do this i don't want to do this i don't want to like uh like just frozen it's like well what do i not want to do more like what what sound they all sound miserable which sounds the least miserable and how can i work my way up from there because like you do sound really burnt out. And you don't sound excited about things, which is fair and valid. And sometimes when you're in that spot, you don't want to... And I think that's what you're worried about.

You don't want to just think that there's a solution fix-all, which is just getting a different certification and doing that. And that's going to fix all your problems. Sometimes what it is, is making the circumstance you're in slightly less miserable. So you can wait out that burnout until you're ready to actually pursue things. And you're making decisions based on a version of you who is hopeful and who's feeling ambitious and not who's like feeling like desperate and like pushed into a corner right so yeah I always think that it's better to make the circumstance and situation you're if you're miserable at your if you're miserable looking for work and it's like you're feeling you're worried you're gonna make the wrong

choice I always think it's better to find a way to make what you're currently doing slightly less miserable so you don't make a choice that you then end up regretting and then you continue in this kind of spiral of like i put myself in this position or i was just i shouldn't have done this or whatever that is like it's always best to make those large decisions with like a clear head and um if you can't that also can mean like leaving this job working at at like a a gig work or doing like working as a brewery like doing something as an in-between before you jump into the next career part because burnout's really hard to recover from i've been there a lot all right uh next one hi megan and melissa i've been a fan since 2016 i'm looking for advice on how to

confront my friend about her drinking habit she's climbing trees playing with fire spilling drinks etc around male friends she begs in the fight and makes empty threats or she gets emo and unpacks trauma we've heard 100 times she's aware alcoholism runs in her family but doesn't take it seriously i've been trying to give her grace due to her breakup a few months ago but i'm having a halloween party and want to avoid this messiness please help thanks do not invite her and tell me why you're not inviting her literally i thought that we were making um you know comparisons euphemisms but no this is a lot and uh yeah megan's right don't invite her but if y'all have a bunch of mutual friends she might figure it out but at least she knows why you don't want

her there invite her and tell her why and just be like i like love you i want to have fun and i cannot have fun when you're drinking it really stresses me out i'm i worry about you yeah and And I worry about the safety of you. I worry about the safety of other people. I worry about the safety of my home. I worry about all of these kinds of things. And like, I am not comfortable carrying that liability on my,

like legally, but on my conscience. Like, it's just, I can't do that. And like, I love you to death. I love hanging out with you when you are not drinking and there's drinking here and we can make plans another time. Let's like, go get dinner together.

Let's like, go watch a movie. Let's do that. but like i can't do this part of it and i think like if you're still at a point where you she will hang out with you sober like there are the activities you do sober reinforce in those activities reinforce in those hangouts of showing her like i don't hate you i don't like i don't like who you are when you drink and if she's only drinking and then just let her like i love you so much this is not something I'm comfortable doing with you yeah and also like alcoholism is a disease um it's not something like the behavior is something to be ashamed of but having a drinking

problem isn't and letting her know that there are resources that can help but she has to first realize that she has a problem yeah and that's what like I think it's important to be just straightforward with that in the sense of like there's no coddling the fact that she has a drinking problem and that's not her fault at all like it's not that but it's also that if you don't say that or what that is i think it adds to a lot of stigma and shame there because not inviting her and not telling her why you're not inviting her or like excluding her and not telling her why that to me is like as if there is a conscious choice in the matter for her and it's not that it's just like this doesn't work for our relationship now so let's do this instead

together but yeah I think I think ignoring the elephant in the room I think it's fair that you wanted to give her a wide timeline of this because of the breakup but if she's not wanting or willing to get some help for that right now that's totally fine but i do think it is our responsibility as people to like not to be safe places while not babying because that it truly just makes it worse and so i think straightforward honesty and you might not be met with like a great response but again that's what i'm saying like reinforce spending time together and you pursuing hanging out and sober activities that like take the take the brunt of planning like don't act like and it might when someone is actively going through something like this they're not going to be

able to meet you at 50 50 friendship wise and that's okay and there'll be times in your life where you can't meet a 50 50 friendship so like this is where i say give 90 and the 10 is protecting your home your liability and your distress and your anxiety your cortisol levels of that circumstance and situation happening also because like there are people i know who are really i would i would classify them in alcoholic things that is not what they self-identify as they so what they're not they're not good at drinking and i put my foot down i said they can't come over they can't come over when they're drinking because i also cannot be responsible for how other people react to them. And regardless of what their intention is when they're sober, that doesn't

matter. We might know that. Other people don't. And then my place of residence becomes the scene of a crime or the scene of whatever that is. And I think that, like Melissa said, it's the dependency on substances that is medical. That's not any sort of choice. The choices that you make in the actions that you do that is something that you as someone who is a third party in that can remove yourself from because those consequences extend past the individual and that's i think it's i think it's a smart thing to do and i don't think it indicates how much you care about someone but again i think if you can really reinforce pulling the 90 your friendship and planning other things together also helps people see that like you can have people like you they don't necessarily like

what drinking does to you but they you have people who want to help you be you so that's what i would say um and i would do your very best not to discuss this with your other friends like as a group without them there and anything you say be comfortable it should be something you should feel comfortable saying to their face yeah unless like it's a friend that's gonna be there to support you and like be there when you are having a conversation with yeah but it's not like a talking behind the back it's we're here to support each other yeah and what you say to other people should be how you what you say to them like i i think like one of the biggest things we can mistakes we can make is babying people who are dealing with substance dependency because that's

a incredibly hurtful feeling for people to feel infantilized and that it feels shameful and that's what leads to a continued cycle of this yep all right well um we're gonna take a break we'll get back we'll get into the rest when you're a mid-sized business you need every competitive advantage you can get like an ai solution that works for you not against you sap grow is built with ai embedded at its core, working across every system, and it's ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running. Bring it with SAP Grow, AI cloud ERP for any size business. Hear that? It's your money calling. It wants a promotion. Elevate your savings with the

Scotia High Interest Savings Account. Always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest. Conditions apply. Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotiabank. You're richer than you think. And we're back. Time for the next. For context, my mom died about a decade ago. She had a group of friends that I've stayed in contact with over the years. I'm not really close with any of them now, but we do interact with each other on social media, and we may text each other once a year or so. But other than that, we don't really have any contact. Recently, one of these friends, we'll call her Katie,

she's in her late 40s, has been posting things that are becoming increasingly concerning to me. I know it's an election year, and I live in a very conservative state. So I'm not shocked to see some distant family friends post right-leaning content on Facebook, Instagram, whatever. But this goes beyond the usual Trump propaganda, and I'm worried that she's falling into some weird QAnon black hole. She posts multiple times a day across every platform, and the content ranges from extreme evangelical end-of-time rants to save-the-children speeches to easily disprovable rumors surrounding the current presidential debate. Some examples are her posting proof that people are eating cats and dogs in Ohio, Kamala wearing microphone earrings,

posting about adenochrome, whatever the fuck. She even recently changed her bio on all socials to conspiracy realist. To me, it's very clear that she's doing unwell. This is so different from her usual posts. And truthfully, I think this might be a coping mechanism from her losing her own family member last year. It's unclear to me from her socials, but it seems that she's either distanced herself from her remaining family or that they have cut contact with her. So I'm not sure there's anyone there for her to check her on these things. I know that it may not be exactly my place, especially since, again, I'm not really close to this woman and she's probably the friend of my mom's that I know the least, but I'm not sure how I can just stand by and watch anyone

fall victim to this or succumb to grief without checking in. So I guess I just need advice on what to do. I'm not sure how to help her, if it's even in my power to. I really think if I tried to say anything to her directly about her post, she would just block me. And with her most likely not having contact with her family, I'm just lost. I could contact her children. But what do I say other than like, hey, is your mom good? Do I say anything? Do I just block her? I don't know. That's pretty much it though. I know it's a lot and I'm really sorry, but I don't have anyone to ask about this and you guys just being so knowledgeable about this kind of stuff so thanks for giving me an outlet to talk and for bringing some stability for all of us during a very hectic

political climate thank you thank you thank you bye bye you seem lovely i'm gonna stress so hard do not contact any of her family no do not do that they know her and they know and they are mourning the loss of their very alive mother who has fully gone absolute alt-right and like i have friends who their family members are like that and like i swear to god if like anyone i knew was like messaging them like hey your mom good they're like clearly not like clearly not and i think like it's so like you've clearly got such a big heart and you can see this in the bigger picture of like this was a woman who was very vulnerable in the thick of grief and she has been corrupted essentially and brainwashed exactly brainwashed by all this propaganda and all of

these things and it's really designed for i'm gonna assume for people her age and all of these things like you're able to see that from a really clear picture and i don't mean this is not at all i promise you her family is too like everybody feels the same way that you feel and the people closest to her if she's not close to them anymore it's because they've tried and like you're aware of what she would do if you said something and unfortunately this is one of those times where like loving someone or caring isn't really enough like and sometimes in these instances where people are so clearly dealing with so much immense grief that she's found comfort in this i don't even know if you'd be able to have a conversation with her to just reach out and be there for her removing

all of this aspect from it i don't know if she's capable of removing this aspect from her life like i don't know that she's capable of just like you taking her to coffee and like talking about grief or whatever without her infiltrating this in because this has become like the pillar that is supporting her i agree and but also like you're not close to her like you never were you're not you said of the the people that you've been keeping contact with she's the one that you know the that you know the least so like if somebody that I barely know reached out to me I would I would be just like the family members and just block them like respectfully this isn't your business yeah it's not your problem to solve and you can be a bystander like some people you just

have to let be and this is just not if somebody close to her helped her great but like you're not that person yeah and i would ask yourself like what it's hard to maintain the viewpoint that you have without disparaging the family members that she like what do you have that they don't have that they you'd be able to get through to her that they couldn't like i just think as somebody who's had to cut people off in my life they were the problem it wasn't me there wasn't something I could have done or changed to have that kind of behavior and the only way that anybody would be able to maintain a relationship with these people is if you do it on their terms so I just think that like it's sad overall but like what do you think you could you bring to the conversation

that could make a difference that everyone else couldn't and it might just be the fact that like for you it's really hard to see someone who even though you weren't as close with her but like someone who is there for you during your grief seeing how they seemingly didn't have people around and this is what led to that yes but also at the same time sometimes people have people around and they still end up here. They still end up at this spot. And what someone might have been able to do for you through your grief and your relationship with that person doesn't necessarily mean that they were like that with their own family members and who they were behind closed doors, that this is such a huge shift or this is such a huge pivot or the stubbornness or

the bigotry or all of these things it can be really easy from the outside in when someone was there for you during a hard time to just think that that ultimately makes them a good person it doesn't and you might just be someone who like you're too connected to this and so watching this happen and like watching her do this is like really hard for you and then i would i would unfollow her like it i would just do that part of it but if you want to say something to her only say something to her do not reach out to her family because they are mourning the loss of her yeah even if she wasn't great like it's just there are also lonely people who don't become q and honors you know so like it's not like you're not wrong in the sense that like

people who fall down that pipeline are not in a good spot but it doesn't mean that everybody who's in a bad spot does that like there are other like pre there are other things that make you predisposed to those kinds of things and it's like deprogramming from a cult and it's really really really hard and like melissa said like if someone who is that close to them could not do that the likelihood that you could is so slim it just might be more pain for you yeah and who wants to do that labor without a doubt yeah not just labor but it's like talking to a brick wall yeah and like you don't have the investment in that relationship and she also doesn't have the investment in the relationship with you like that it's it's just tough but it's one of those things

where there are so many better uses of your time from a political and moral standpoint i think yeah we are going to take a quick break and when we come back we'll get into the rest it won't be quick. Listen to the ads. Please do. When you're a mid-sized business, you need every competitive advantage you can get. Like an AI solution that works for you, not against you. SAP Grow is built with AI embedded at its core, working across every system. And it's ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running.

Bring it with SAP Grow, AI cloud ERP for any size business. And we're back. It's time for our next write-in. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I, female 29, need some advice regarding moving to a new country. Over a year ago, I moved to my partner, male 28,

his home country after six years of long distance. We're in countries close to each other, and I had spent a good amount of time here with studying abroad and many longer visits during the long distance relationship. So I thought I knew what I was in for, but I found myself really struggling with this move. First, everything here is more expensive.

Food, rent, healthcare, public transportation, infrastructure, and a lot worse in quality, especially healthcare and transport. I find that a lot of my hobbies I can't do anymore because it's too expensive or there's lacking infrastructure. I made some newer friends here, but I really do miss my friends from home a lot. My career prospects are worse

and having kids here is much harder and more expensive. I still think that it was the right decision for me to move. I pushed for this, not him. As I'm fluent in the language and can easily get jobs, plus it was possible for me to move earlier. He is learning my language, but is very much a beginner. I started his language age nine and have a degree in it. I am just trying not to live with regret.

The visa process and the move were a really difficult process and i just so much hate so i hate how much i struggle now how can i let go of the sadness and frustration i have about the move i always try not to compare and see the positive side but i find it hard to deal with or talk to my partner about as he feels guilty about it i don't know why we're not allowed to be upset about the move yeah fundamentally you're not enjoying it this kind of seems like it sucks i don't think i would enjoy this either like i don't think this is you being sensitive or having too high of expectations like this kind of seems worse you could have moved to a town over from where your hometown is and hated

and it's still a bad choice for you yeah it was easier for you to adapt on paper but you're actually there now and you don't like it yeah i'm a big believer in like trying things and then quitting if you don't like it like i don't i'm not a believer in maintaining something and just like powering through it if you're miserable like because it will build resentment and the fact that you can't even really talk to him about it because he feels really guilty there there's a solution here and the solution it needs to be figured out and the solution is not just like you sucking it up and dealing with it because like missing your friends is one thing and that's something you can prepare for but like having to give up your hobbies because everything's more

expensive realizing the infrastructure is just like not there because it is fundamentally different than spending time when you don't live there like it is just different i've also know a lot of people in long distance relationships who did like five years long distance and then they did a year or two years in one city together and then the other persons they went to the other person's city for a year and a lot of time people then pick a brand new place that they go to that's neither one of them have those ties in and neither one of them feel like a permanent visitor i do think it is kind of hard to feel on equal ground and equal footing when someone moves to the place where the other one already lives so i don't think that like i don't think you have to tough something out

if your quality of life is worse off than it was before is there some other place that y'all can move where you both like that this language that is his native tongue is spoken there and you can move somewhere that maybe has better opportunities for the both of you is that an option but you shouldn't have to be miserable you shouldn't have to be with someone and be miserable even if they're not the direct problem yeah and my follow-up question to ask him would be like what would happen to your relationship if you move back and you continue to do the long distance relationship and if that's something he's like not cool with and then it's like cool so i'm not happy here where else could we be happy right where where else would you move because for him if it's like no

no the only way i'm going to be happy is here in this active circumstance that we're in while you are miserable and he's allowed to have that as a deal breaker as like he doesn't want to move he wants to stay where he is this is where he wants to spend his time this is where he sees himself in his whole life that's totally fine and that is up to him but he cannot include you in that deal breaker plan he can't include the fact that like both of you are here because you're miserable and you are willing to make this sacrifice and sometimes the sacrifices we make we can think it through we can plan it through and we can think we know what we're getting into and like it can just suck and like that's allowed and there's no way for you to have prepared to have known that

like some you just won't know until you do it and now you've done it and now it's time to try something new now it's time to plan something new and to figure out another solution to this but if he doesn't see a problem to me that's a big red flag because he also doesn't see a problem with how you feel like i would not be able to be content and happy somewhere if i knew my partner was actively miserable that would make me hate that place too even if i loved it before so yeah i don't think you need to tough it out and survive this in a way that like eventually you get numb enough that you don't you just deal with it because yeah fundamentally as someone who doesn't even know the two different places that you're talking about like where you're at right

now is worse so we gotta make it better so you're not miserable and he should want that for you too exactly all right well that is the end of our episode oh my goodness yay we hope you all enjoyed and if you did you can always leave us a review on the podcast app you can leave us a specific episode review over on spotify join our patreon watch the video versions of all of our podcasts we have all the yeah and then you can add free versions as well you can also join us for live streams and sorry i had a burp and you're soon as good just farting too and um please write in for upcoming episodes so we can give you advice if you are a caller from a previous episode or you

wrote in and you want to give us an update please do slide into the DMs or our email and also everyone please be mindful of what email addresses that you're sending things to because I don't know what happened this week people were sending don't blame me

stuff to the but am I wrong email and but am I wrong stuff to the don't blame me email. We just got a little turned around didn't we? So it happened multiple times and I don't know why this for some reason it's probably my fault it's not um so let's let's just be mindful girlies super mindful very demure two things no one has ever called me i think i'm mindful i'm not demure i think i can be both well you're an aquarius of course good god of course you can be

both yeah follow us on tiktok we hope you all enjoyed live laugh love don't yep a house makes a home hate judge google exactly hate judge and a hee hee goodbye bye don't blame me is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production sound and editing by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter