Don't Blame Me! - DBM: My Straight and Gay Roomies Want to Hookup With Each Other

Episode Date: December 25, 2023

Happy Holidays! This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Not wanting to be an adult Roommates want to be friend with benefits Getting the therapy you want Coworkers telling you you're making excuses Don't Blame Them: I want to date someone who’s 10 years older Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me welcome to the ho ho ho holiday i mean there's nothing holiday about it except it is christmas if you celebrate christmas and we're wearing festive sweaters we carry a sea mine but check out the patreon on so you can see oh very tree looks like a tree on my arms oh look at you and i'm wearing a very cute little like fair isle red reindeer printed cut the tag is still does it have the tag still on it megan ma'am are you returning it later no i can't remember to do anything why do we still have tags on them because i just bought it and if we want to talk about how chaotic this has been behind the scenes am i wearing pants no am i sweating my absolute ass off yes i will say

the majority of the times when we're recording remote i'm not wearing pants i just am today because i'm at my parents home pants for parents you know we all we all have the things we need to do um to get through the day and maybe maybe you wouldn't be are you sleeping with pants on because it's too fucking hot no no no no i was like that can't be if i need to pop up to go to the bathroom or something in the nighttime they're not coming to my part of the house so but in the daytime who knows when they're walking around you gotta stay alert but yeah welcome to another episode i hope you're listening to this i mean actually i really don't care if you're listening to this on christmas like you can uh if you are actually either you don't maybe you don't celebrate um or you're

surrounded by people who like fucking suck and you need some escapism to which i say we are happy to bring that for you and as somebody who needed a lot of that growing up i understand and so and yeah for today i've prepared a little um christmas song that i'd like to sing to all of you that's a lie was like this is what are you talking about speaking of christmas songs though sabrina carpenter released like a little christmas i think it's an ep i don't know how many i don't know how many songs qualifies as that um and it's just dirty christmas songs great you know i'm a big fan this is very much our vibe i think you would like it so something about um santa like something about santa's big balls or something i don't remember what else it is and something

about like stuff my chimney you know great and i love it i'm a fan i haven't listened to it but i already know i'm a fan well because you're a carpenter much like jesus yes same so if you're brand new here my name is megan and my name's melissa and maybe you're not brand new here but maybe you are you know hiding away from your like just overbearing in-laws and you have your partner in the car with you and we're being introduced to them for the first time so hi stick up for them okay you know be kind everybody and um you don't have to be kind no no somebody if somebody you know needs to be bitched to then be a bitch oh totally i just mean that you know if you're if you're dealing with the in-laws on the holidays it is your job as the

person who is directly related to them to keep them in line don't not put all of that on your partner uh-uh let them live their life well we're gonna give you amazing wonderful life-changing advice and if it's not amazing wonderful and life-changing a you're lying and b you can't blame us because it's in the title of the show so if you want to call for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com for both of those you have three minutes for the phone call leaving a voicemail it will quite literally cut you off and for the voice memo we will cut you off one is google one is us we're one in the same we're really not we don't have

that kind of money but if you have that kind of money donate to our patreon help support the show help support the show also donate to my film do that any amount any amount counts five dollars great thank you perfect and we do ask that you include all relevant information specifically we would like to know how old you are how old the other people are in uh the circumstance the situation you are telling us about that you need our advice on if it's about a relationship how long you've been together you can let us know your pronouns if you would like to you do not have to but we do ask that you give people fake names because it is all anonymous we can't keep track if you give like this is a this is b this is c and this is d or one two three it's easier if you

give them fake names um you can take inspiration from your favorite tv shows and movies but just know if you say jamie and cersei about you and your partner we are going to assume that you are brother sister lovers so um proceed with caution and if you don't want to call in or you cannot call in you can also send us a dm under 300 words and write it all out same kind of parameters as well as sending a written in email to megapodcast.gmail.com and you have to be for all of that are you ready to get into the show i am well the first one's a write-in and Since you're catching your breath, I'll read it. Hello, Megan and Melissa.

I'm 28 year old and my pronouns are she, her. I'm looking for advice on how to accept that my childhood was over ages ago and I'm never going to get it back. I have everything that I look forward to having when I was a kid, a fun job, an amazing partner at my own place. Although I am very thankful for these things, I miss not being totally anxious and neurotic and not constantly thinking about the future and the next life thing. I am in therapy.

With a full-time job, the years start to blur together. I miss long summers, hanging with friends. I basically just miss being carefree and not having worries. For context, my dad passed away at the beginning of 2022, and a very close friend I had known since childhood passed away in 2020. Both deaths were very sudden. I feel like it triggered a lot of these feelings. Some nights, I just lie in bed and cry because I just don't want to be an adult anymore.

I have bought brought this up to friends and family to see if they feel the same way But they all prefer being adult and don't really miss being a kid at all So I think there is something wrong with me I wish I could just look back at on my own childhood and be grateful for Those times rather than wishing I was back there the older I get the more of an adult I will become and that scares me I'm afraid of not living carefree ever again. I miss my underdeveloped brain. I'm sorry it sounds like a very privileged email but i appreciate any advice you have for this if you have any love the pot and thank you my first question is what was your sample size of

the people you polled about this because like that's like low-key wild to me that nobody is saying like no i actually really prefer like a life of um paying taxes and not having someone cut the crust off my sandwich and like you know making all these decisions myself and having to drive myself and I really actually don't miss it all falling asleep in a car and having an adult carrying me inside like what as we wrap up this year I would like to remind y'all what my theme of this year was and that was to be childish and I have really I am almost 10 years older than you and um I really like leaning into the childhood part of my life and I don't think you need other people to validate you for that i love like i have like here's some child i i like to buy things for

my childhood that are very nostalgic like i have a video game console that has all like nintendo games from when i was a little kid i have my um light bright i like to participate in yeah i do math problems which most people can't relate to but i do math problems i um participate in activities i start new activities that i wanted to do as a kid and i never got into you don't have i still like wear my power ranger uh robe you don't have to be you can have adult responsibilities and have adult money and have adult you know like things like have a job that you like and um still very much lean to your childhood because you have like your adult money now you can do those things that you wanted to do as a child that you couldn't do or you just you know didn't

have the time to do or your parents wouldn't sign you up for these things go do them they exist there's a lot there's whole communities of people that still lean into their childhood if you want to go to a fucking adult summer camp you can't like if you want to go you say you miss your long summers do just take trips go on trips if you're um if you can if not find things that are local in your area there are things you can do you just gotta find them and you gotta commit to this um childish uh life that i have committed to so um welcome join me you can you can do all these things you don't have to have other people's permission to do it yeah i i i also think that like i'm not going to say that like every single person you talk to is like totally lying because

i mean i there were there are aspects of my childhood like if someone's like do you want to go back and live your exact childhood over again I would probably say no because like there are things from my childhood that I don't want to there are aspects of that but that doesn't mean that like I don't miss being a kid like I don't miss that aspect of it like there are and again so like I'm not saying that like the people who you're talking to are all lying like there could be people who like there is no aspect of their childhood that they enjoyed whatsoever and they really don't like it but to i think a lot of that response that you're getting is the fact that it is impossible to go back to being a kid like you can like once i said like you can implement

like child like things and that child wonder and all of that stuff into your adult life but like you're never going to be in fourth grade ever again and so for a lot of people in order to kind of like it's just it's very black and white it's like well that's never going to happen again so therefore there's no point in wanting that or missing that or dreaming about that because like i can't actually get that so some people are like very i don't know pragmatic and realistic in that sense where they don't really like let themselves want for things that don't seem like possibilities because they don't want to be like disappointed or i feel like it's like a waste of time um but i i think that a lot of people will say that they prefer adulthood because it is the only option

And so it's like, I wouldn't necessarily take that as like, your weird or your thought process is like totally different than anyone else's. But a lot of people and especially like a lot of adults like won't let themselves won't let themselves want for things that they can't achieve, because so much of adulthood is propelling forward and achievements and all that kind of stuff. and it's that like hustle grind work culture so i i don't think that you're weird at all for this and i would suggest um if you're not on twitter i would go this is like a tweet every day of being like i fucking miss being a kid like i just wish i could be a kid again and um i would advise doing everything melissa said and also like finding friends who share this kind of sentiment with you i would to weed it out a little bit not to say it's this cut and dry um but i don't know what kind of space you work in but creative people very much like to play pretend all day whether that's like you're you're making things and that's something that melissa and i have both

found to have adult jobs that are things that we like they're the same kind of ideas and concepts you start as a kid like it's just like creating and making things you're using your imagination and you don't have to be in a professional field like that but I know a lot of people who work in not creative fields who love being friends with people who are super creative because it's just a different kind of mindset and a different kind of social activities you'll do with those people and you if everybody's answering the same thing to you I think you you're the issue is not you I think it's just the bubble that you're in and that's fine that everyone can believe that or feel a certain way about that but i would try and find some like like-minded um people like there's

a reason there's like adult kickball leagues and like all of this kind of stuff like it you just have to kind of get out of the bubble that you're in and i think you'll notice like dave and busters exist that is a an adult like arcade this is there's every i think that you are in the majority and you just happen to be around people who have uh a minority opinion or are telling themselves that that's like the belief and opinion that they hold but you're not wrong I feel the exact same way about adulthood and like it stresses me out that like the years blur together and it's just like oh god okay and I'm really like privileged and lucky to have a job that isn't so monotonous but it still feels like that because for the first 18 years of your life you like measure your life

by school years and then summers and all of this kind of stuff that it just then becomes like you achieve everything and then you're just like okay now what so you're definitely not alone in that feeling at all go play hide and seek i want to start building fairy houses around like our neighborhood yeah i mean i wanted we didn't get to do it because it was raining but i wanted to do kickball for my birthday i have friends we who we just randomly had a um water balloon fight but we invite a whole bunch of people yeah slumber party you can do whatever you want laser tag same group of friends that same group of friends we will play laser we haven't gone since the pandemic because germs but uh we used to before

the pandemic we were in laser tag every friday there you go and those are adults laser tech stressed me the fuck out i also like wall-to-wall carpeting is not a place i will ever re-enter after in a in a covid world and there's black like it's black light so you can see everything because you have to it has to be like that for the laser so yeah there are things i don't want to know and that's one of them all right uh let's take a break and we're back next up we have another write-in i'm writing in for don't blame me because my roommates want to become friends with benefits i 19 she her live with three other people sarah 20 she her oscar 19 he him and veronica 20 she her last year i lived with sarah veronica and

another girl that dropped out of school. Sarah thought it would be a good idea to bring Oscar into our room since he was looking for another roommate and we needed a new roommate. I wasn't necessarily opposed to him living with us, but there was not a lot of conversation about it until it became a reality. Sarah and Oscar have been extremely close this semester, constantly cuddling on the couch, making a lot of plans, just the two of them, and generally just acting like a couple. This is not our dynamic last year at all, and it has made Veronica and I very uncomfortable however things became a lot worse last night when sarah told us her and oscar want to become friends with benefits and asked for our blessing which is very confusing because oscar is

gay whoa oh my god the up and down so juicy i'm dying i told her i need time to process but both veronica and i agree that this is a horrible idea i don't feel like i can live with them anymore and i'm hoping to find another room to live in next semester but if i can't what do i do if they start hooking up it'll be very uncomfortable for both veronica and i but if we say no then we'll be the reason they aren't having sex which is also a very uncomfortable position to be in i feel so uncomfortable in my room and i wish they had never told me at all question before we get into this when you say roommates you don't mean just living in the same apartment y'all are sharing a room i refuse to actually accept that as reality i'm thinking that it's roommates because i can't i

personally like actually cannot wrap my head around for four people in a room like in general and then specifically the fact that if that is the case that means that these two people said hey can we fuck in the room we all sleep in while you're in it and that i would say like that's like a different like level of of i don't even know what to do they said share a room multiple times during this i know they are in the same room once i can't do that well you have to because we have to go by what the information that is given to us that is a rule that we laid out very early on the information that was giving to us is that they all share a room but they have a couch i don't know okay okay they have a living room and then a room that

they all four share um i feel like that uh this was a plan all along oh without a doubt i feel like hold on who are these people sarah sarah thought it'd be good to bring on sarah sarah won it sarah won an oscar from the beginning sarah's playing a long game she saw a gay man and said i mean in the words of holes i can fix that yikes sarah sarah is one messy bitch um yeah this is a terrible idea and if you can get out of this if you and veronica can get out of this in some way shape or form and where y'all can go live somewhere else please do because this no just imagine coming home they've probably already started hooking up to be honest if they're telling you now they probably asking for your blessing i actually don't bless this at all

i actually curse this with the power of a thousand fiery suns yeah leave that gay man alone leave oscar alone like does oscar want like i would be like oscar what is going what is going on and also like do you think she lied and said that oscar was gay so then i think she lied and said oscar was gay so that she that he could stay there oscar was never gay i would just straight up be like uh no this like that's like so uncomfortable that's not like i'm we're not cool with this at all um and that is just like not not gonna happen and then i would be like so fucking petty and then i think we're gonna write up a contract and if you guys are hooking up then if we break the lease you have to cover the cost of breaking the lease yeah like i would just be that i would pay my

deposit yeah like i would just be so fucking strict about that of being like no we're actually not cool with that at all and she didn't tell you she basically asked for your blessing and to that you can say no and i'm really glad it's four people not three people because it's two against two now and you can make their lives hell like just do like i remember when i was growing up um one of my friends she was an older sister who's two years older than us and we were like just so fucking annoying we would just spend like all of our time cock blocking her like not even really realizing what we were doing and then i got older i was like like and i asked her i was like when's the first time you and like high school boyfriend like had sex and she was like bitch we we could

not have sex when we were in high school because of you and my sister and i was like what and she was like are you not remembering i was like oh i didn't really think we were being that effective and she's like no like legitimately like you like would not leave us alone ever and so like you can do things like just be like hella fucking annoying and make it like make their living circumstance in situation miserable so they don't want to spend time there like you can you can do that like out uncomfortable uncomfortable them yikes um yeah that's all i got sarah was lying oscar was never gay sarah and oscar have already been hooking up get out break them up ask oscar like sarah told us that you were gay if i was him probably went along with

it because he wanted to move in yeah this is just like it's so if they've been acting like a couple for like all this time never gay no i really really hope you have separate rooms or he lied so he could get in there so he could get in the roommate situation and maybe he's playing maybe it's the opposite where he's playing a long game with sarah and he lied about being gay and then he became the roommate and then you know they started cuddling because he's gay it doesn't mean anything and then slowly wormed his weight in either way oscar sarah don't trust either one of them no don't trust them for a goddamn fucking second and i really hope that this was just like a misunderstanding and that you are in separate rooms because as somebody who has been on the

top bunk while people have been fucking on the bottom bunk and i started getting motion sick from the waves that i was riding and crash like it was it's scarring and like i could never look at those people in the daylight the same i really don't hope that for you sarah thought it would be a good idea to bring oscar into our room since i know i know i just i i that makes it so bad make her sign a contract i can't live with them anymore and was hoping to find another room to live in next semester make him sign a contract and say if you're gonna hook up this is what you have to do these are the consequences i feel so uncomfortable in my room

three times maybe you just like start coming on to oscar and make her upset i don't know this is so much work for you i know i'm really afraid they're gonna be like why don't we just all start hooking like because like there's a if you are cool fucking in the same room with other people i i i just i i think that like if you can't pick up on the fact that like these other people don't want you to be doing that i i also don't think you'll pick up on the fact that these other people like actually don't want to be in a foursome with you and i do think that you wouldn't read the room and you would be like well what if we all just hook up instead of you feeling uncomfortable why don't you just like hop on in tap in enjoy it's a relay oh my god

nope no i'm so sorry um i will be thinking about you incessantly until you write back and update us yes so please do and please clarify or i believe y'all are in the same room but my brain won't let me my brain won't let me because i that's just like i'm gonna fly to wherever you are and i'm gonna rescue you because like that is like traumatizing all right excellent hi megan and melissa i've been listening to the m&m multiverse since right before covid started so it's been quite some time now um i love hearing y'all's advice and have been and have even called in once before and i'm in the facebook group shout out you both have really

inspired me to start therapy so i'm very grateful for your push um i actually started therapy really recently in November. So I haven't had many sessions yet. And I'm still in that stage of sharing with my therapist the different aspects and relationships that I have in my life and things that made me want to start therapy. My question is less to do with the specific advice about a situation, but more to just hear from you guys about your journey with therapy. I just keep feeling impatient and thinking to myself, when am I going to start seeing results? And I know that's bad. And like I said, so far in the few sessions I've had, it's been more of me telling my therapist about life and not so much advice given to me because she obviously can't help me with things she doesn't know yet. so my question is basically how long should I expect to be sharing these kinds of backstories

of my life until I start feeling like I'm getting the help that I want from therapy I always hear such great things about going to therapy and I know I'm just impatient and need to give it time so you can be tough on me if I just need to shut the fuck up and keep going so thank you for your help I love y'all bye so like the the one therapist who like I like loved was like a couples therapist and she was like sarah i love her like she's just like the fucking best um and i was having trouble with a different therapist who she had recommended to me because i wanted to start individual therapy and i was like having like a i don't know you know it was slightly different situation every time i went to therapy i just felt so much fucking worse

and i had had this other benchmark of therapy with her that i loved and i it was like it felt so helpful and I like felt like I was learning so much about myself and it felt like very tangible things and then the other therapy experience was like oh I actually feel like exponentially I feel like a shell of a human when I leave these and like this is like I'm feeling like exponentially again like worse and I asked her about it and she had first suggested that I like move it to a different day so like the like end of the day on like a Friday or something so I have like I don't have to like just jump back into it because it can be a lot of expectations for yourself but then she also said like give it like three months and if you're not feeling like it's

helpful like three months should be a good amount of time um to kind of like get the vibe on someone if you're unsure but if you she's like if you don't like her or like this is not working for you then like you know that then be done but if it's kind of like a oh okay i'm not entirely sure like testing the waters and seeing this um but the thing that i just started like doing with that other therapist which helped me end that therapy relationship quicker was that I just told her like I was like I just don't feel like this is like really like I don't feel like I'm like getting much out of this right now and like what can we do for that and like how can we do this like this is what I'm like I'm looking to feel better in in in therapy and I think it would

also depend on what you're going for like are you going for you know like a generalized anxiety thing are you going for like a specific anxiety aspect and those things like you can just like straight up ask your therapist like it doesn't have to be this like um this kind of dance where you're just like kind of waiting and like they're gonna step in and they're the professional every therapy session and every like relationship with a therapist is going to be different and every therapist is going to approach things differently and the way to get what you want it's just like any other relationship by being clear with what you want and then telling the other person that and like asking for that and if they can they they're they're the professional

here they can be like you know that's actually not realistic or that might not be helpful but there are so many different kinds um of therapy that talk therapy might not be this talk like if this is talk therapy like it sounds like it is from what you're saying i don't know the specific kind of talk therapy but that uh the approach of it might not feel productive to you right now because you've already lived all of these things so you're just like retelling someone and it feels like you're catching them up on everything and i mean that is kind of a universal experience that everyone would like they that's why people joke about starting a new uh starting to see a new therapist and like making a powerpoint presentation to like catch them up on everything to be like

okay this is where we're at so like this is how we get to that um so i do think you're very much still in the stages of that and there are always going to be times where there are new things that are brought up um but i i think that like the the solution to all of this is to like not treat your therapist like uh the kind of like a i don't want to sound this like your your therapist should be like a professor with office hours and like a seminar and like someone who you have like conversations with like a therapist like a that kind of relationship not um a q a panel where you're just sitting in the audience like this is like there's an active thing you can ask for things and it can be a conversation it doesn't have to just be like sit on the couch and talk

about your life and then they can also tell you if your expectations are something that they feel like they can meet or reach but like i had a therapist who was like i just uh she was like i just think like if you talk through things you'll feel better i'm like no no like i understand why I do these things I understand like what they all stem from but like what can I do with that and she was like oh I don't really do that and I was like what she was like but that's also because like that just wasn't her that wasn't how she went about those things but I kind of I kind of defaulted to her as a professional there without realizing that I have agency in this as well and like she's not just going to come in here with a magic wand and fix me there are different methods to going about

this and the more that you do therapy the more you understand what things work for you and what things or at least what things don't work for you and it's it's a it's a process but i would include your therapist in on that in on that process yeah um the best therapy that i had at the time because i believe like different points in your life you need different types of therapy and the best therapy that i had for that point in my life was when i was in college and I hadn't really been to a therapist before and I just needed somebody to vent to and I would just go and vent for an hour and he would give me homework and then that would be like our sessions and I loved that and for me that was the best therapy at that time right now I don't think

that therapy would be good for me because I don't need to do that yeah and then I had my worst therapy experience was this therapist that i went to who was so like stuck on me talking about my personal relationships like romantic relationships from 15 years ago and was wondering why i wasn't still sad about them now and i was like it's been 15 years like i truly do not care anymore i true like why are we so stuck on this and so like i dropped that person as a therapist so i just think you just have to find the person and maybe this therapy isn't this therapist isn't the best for you but i also would say stick it out like you just started so let's see where we are and see like if there i would come into therapy with an intention like each session

with a different intention and tell your therapist up top what the intention is and if they are constantly ignoring you then maybe this isn't the therapist for you but yeah they just ask them what their method is and ask them like how long am i gonna have to keep delving into my past before we get to the point where we can concentrate on my future yeah and you also don't actually have to give a whole life backstory for therapists to be able to like sure everything is connected in your life but we are we are like such complex individuals that like there will be times that like you will forget to have said a story or whatever that is like they can also ask like follow-up questions like you don't have to give here's my entire story so then you can understand

where I'm at like you can make this is where I'm at and they can be like do you think that ties to anything and like you can you can kind of go from where you're currently are and how then go back from those things that are attached to that or have like led you to this place you don't have to but I mean if again if you want to you can and also you can ask your therapist for homework that was like something that was like my therapist told me because I was like I like that you give homework and I like that I feel like I the sessions and like what I learn and understand about myself continues on after the session because you've given me homework whether that's like watch this video or have you seen this movie um or this book is

really interesting or this article and then she would give herself homework and then she would come back and be like okay so I did this this and this because I thought about this from us and it was so that felt so helpful because you were it wasn't everything became connected in sessions versus like the connection is like my life or whatever um but then I asked my other therapist for homework and she's like I don't really do that like I don't know what I would tell you to do and I was just like okay so I agree with Melissa in the sense that like this you're in the early stages so this is I think this could work out like it'd be a great therapist match for you um but if you're getting impatient tell your therapist that like that is my biggest regret is

just not having these exact conversations that i had with like my friends and i had with moths when i was starting this other therapist like i wish i had had those conversations with that therapist sooner because as soon as i finally had that conversation i was like oh this is not the right fucking fit and i have spent so much money and so much time thinking that i would that this was a me problem this wasn't like a oh this is a this is a problem this is just not a relationship that's going to work. But congrats for joining, joining, starting, joining therapy, starting therapy. All right, we're going to take another break. All right, we're back.

Hi, guys. I am 30. She, her. um and this is a question um for context i am also i have adhd and autism and so i'm just wondering whether this is a sort of neurodivergent not understanding or whether you have any advice um so my question is about work basically at the moment i'm oh trigger warning for sort of like death dying etc um at the moment I am going through uh something with my family my granddad is very very sick he's elderly and um he has cancer so as a family we are all doing the majority of

his care so that's between like me my mum my dad and then occasionally other family members and obviously that's really difficult both in terms of time but also just in terms of like stress so like there's a lot on my brain um he's probably got at most three months to live so obviously that's quite a stressful and upsetting situation so my question is um i was recently having a problem with understanding the difference between explanation and excuse so i've spoken to my boss about this situation she's absolutely fine with it she's like take all the time you need work from home bless her she even went and bought me a laptop so that i could do my work from home if i needed and she's just like just keep me in the loop let me know what's going on but i've had a

couple of other people at work be like annoyed and upset with me that I'm not in the office as much or you know in their eyes I think they think that I'm just kind of I don't know not working I don't actually work with any of them none of them are being lumped with additional work so I work as a PA for one individual person so we all work in the same office but if I'm not there if I'm working from home it doesn't change anything to do with their work they also either work for individual people or different departments um I'm also like a private contractor as a PA for this person so it's not that we're all getting paid the same salary and they're being expected to come in and I'm not like I'm effectively I rent a desk in this office space and my boss

you know works within the business but I'm not contracted to the business you know one of those kind of things um so after this had gone on for a little while I kind of told somebody what was going on and why that was the case and they said that that was an excuse and I was confused because I was like that's not an excuse it's just an explanation like I just wanted to explain why my current working situation is different and they said it's an excuse so my question is what's an excuse and what's an explanation because I don't know and I'm confused and I don't know how better to handle that type of situation like how better to handle when you've got a lot going on in your personal life and it's affecting other things like work or friendships should you tell people

what's going on or should you not or do you have any advice thank you so much love the show you're both great bye-bye honestly this person just sounds like a miserable cunt however many of these co-workers there are they all are they all sound like miserable cunts yeah like one it's none of their business you told them as a courtesy and you don't have to tell them i feel like they've probably been judging and talking about you behind your back and um this is awful why would you say this to anybody like why would you do that and you're doing your work you don't report to them they have nothing to do with the money that you're making you're not getting in the way of their bag so why are they concerned in this way they should be concerned in a different way like

you know being good people that would be a a great way to show concern by you know asking if you need anything asking you know like what can we do for you but no they're just being an asshole they're just an ass i whatever they say from now going forth it doesn't matter like nothing they say is valid in my eyes yeah i agree with that like this to me sounds like there are some people when they realize that they've fucked up which i agree with melissa i think they've just been talking shit behind your back about this and then they find out the reason and that feeling of um guilt and embarrassment some people just double down and they refuse to accept that and so then they just are like instead of being like or what they're truly feeling is like oh shit like that's

fucked like i fucked up that i can't believe that this is what they're going through um but that is too uncomfortable for them to deal with so then they're like yeah no of course like yeah as if i already know and that doesn't affect i don't care and like that's it's just an excuse um i have a i also have a very hard time distinguishing about like these kinds of things like i've mentioned it before like i have a really hard time understanding the difference between like sharing something and like complaining and like i i just have a hard time um with that kind of like those kinds of like social cues in that sense um and in this instance i think that the response that i would have if anyone said this like to me something that i think is like going around the internet

that people have started to say and i'm like this is very helpful of just being like that's a very odd thing to say or what why would you say that like just making people instead of trying to like compensate for other people's feelings and emotions when they're so clearly not doing that for you I now I'm trying to work on the thing of like I'm not going to then compensate for both of us I'm just I'm going to give you back exactly what you've given me and I'm not and I'm going to point out like that what an odd thing to say because essentially they're being like well that's like you're giving excuses and it's like are you jealous do you wish that you were dealing with is that what you're asking like you wish your grandfather was actively dying and you're his

caretaker like that's such an odd that's an odd such an odd desire to have um i just can't relate to that like yeah i i think i agree with melissa that like i wouldn't listen to like another word any of these people said um and you don't work with them at all so like i guess like what you're saying is that like i don't think that you're i'm not sure if you're exclusively working from home or you're going into the office like every so often um because if you're going into the office and your boss works with the like let's say you're all pa i'm assuming personal assistant in this instance and let's say they all all of the bosses all work together and they work at a company but each of them outsource a freelance assistant um to that then i would like give a heads up to your

boss of being like hey they said something like a little just pretty pretty far out of line so i just want to give you a heads up that um i'm not going to be interacting with them in person like if they need to like schedules like do you have to schedule things with like her co-workers through them because then i would just say i would make sure that all of your like correspondence um is on email and very professional in the sense that like you don't give an op no i don't want to that you gave an opportunity for them to say this but like make sure that like if they want to say out of pocket shit again that they have to do it in writing or in front of their a higher up or something like something along the lines of like i don't like they they feel far too comfortable to

say these things and because i don't even think you can really i don't know if you can they're not your co-workers to like report in that kind of sense um but uh this also just seems like they need some more to do because how can you have the time and energy to to even notice or care about how much work someone else is doing that you already don't even see the work that they do because you don't actually directly work with them like this is giving much like we're a family like we all go bowling together every week like what's the excuse like why are you even bringing this up like what are you talking about your direct boss bought you a computer so that you could do work from where you are like i i just don't understand why they care so much

yeah fuck them no truly fuck them um this is an instance of them just being bad bored people who not realized that um how other people do it their jobs is so irrelevant to you except in the sense that you're making it relevant to you because now it is effect i promise you it's affecting their work their obsession yeah just like this is very losery embarrassing losery behavior all right well now it's time for don't blame them so don't blame them is when y'all can write in you the listeners can write in or call in and share advice or thoughts and feelings about a previous call or write-in that we've had on the show so here we go hi eminem this is for don't blame them episode i want to date someone 10

years older and it's for the person who wrote in saying that she liked her co-worker who's 10 years older and she's interested in let me just say don't do it take it from someone who stupidly had a thing with a co-worker 20 years older than them yes i'm a dumb bitch but i got free crab legs and sushi i was lucky enough that he was in a different department but regardless don't shit where you eat i also ignored everyone including eminem about him and eventually got hurt and with already plus with already daddy issues that i had which i'm guessing you have daddy issues or you're a lot of tell ray fan as she loves singing about middle-aged men it made me feel even more abandoned than ever and honestly worse which made me fall back into unhealthy

habits which is something i want you writer to avoid because that shit hurts bad you feel lost and it's scary luckily i'm finally out of it and i'm also a small town girly as well and i hate it especially since it's mostly white people who think salt is spicy so i do agree with melissa for going to another town with your friends like find a club to join or a cider place maybe go hiking or rock climbing or that radio ad that advertises for single people to meet up and do fun activities hope this helps you know it's always the insight we have after the moment but um yeah this is i i wholeheartedly agree with this and i hope that that person is no longer no longer interested in their co-worker let alone their old co-worker yes

and thank you for this person that wrote in because we specifically asked them to in the episode we did thank you for the call and response we're like I know someone who dated someone old who they worked with who made it really subtle

really really subtle what a great plug to join our Patreon we get to know you all deeply intimately and personally and you get to know us a lot better as well it's very fun um it's like the social interact like I just can't it's great like as someone who has does not leave their house except to like see Melissa um and to like run errands and stuff this is like my has been my social friend circle for

the last couple of years and that's like the same for a lot of people and uh I promise like wherever you are in the world you can depending on how late you can stay up we don't do at the same time we do live streams every other month no we do live streams twice a month and uh we don't do them the same time or like the same like days every week because we know that there are people from all over so sometimes sometimes you'll you'll find a swede just sleeping on the live stream yeah they're just lying there sleeping or sometimes people will be out like clubbing or whatever and then they'll come back home and then they'll join or we'll see them on the drag and in the back of the uber on the way there um sometimes we'll see people getting ready to go out sometimes

people are doing their evening it's cooking dinner doing their evening routine sometimes we'll see some people join at work sometimes from a lab and they'll be they'll be doing that like it's it's it's a great time and you'll meet lots of people from all over who are like i can't even stress like so kind like such a great um group and they all have a group chat which it's so rude they've like never invited us to be in it like never invited us yeah they so mean they explicitly said you guys can't be in it because we hate you and i was like that's so weird and ironic yeah and they also like have their own inside jokes and then won't clue us into what it is yeah no like they're just like super rude but like it's they just hate us like they love of

each other so therefore they will love you too um and yeah like we're also really good at helpful on there for trying to figure out like what you want to text someone if you need to figure out their childhood home who their parents are um you know we like it's it's very uncensored it's it's us um you can get a an idea of what our live streams are like because we do upload them most of them onto the patreon and you can we haven't i haven't uploaded them in a while because of the strike and people kept slipping up well i was gonna say so that that you will know like there will be ones that are up but just know that the ones that are up are the ones that we can post so pre-strike and also sometimes we're like this needs to be a a one-time only kind of a thing

so they get juicier get ahead hit stop yeah and we go okay let's let's pause this off the record we need to talk about last names we need to get we need a first last middle let's talk about government names right here so um it's a really fun time and you can also watch the video versions of the podcast on patreon as well you can also just support the show you don't have to participate any of those things and there's usually new people every time we do a live stream so you will not be the only one and melissa will only haze you a little bit i don't hate that's illegal i love saying like just so many things are illegal even if they're not like hazing actually is illegal i think only in some states only in some states i do think some say yeah it's illegal in

california and it's illegal in arkansas so the two states that i spend most of my time in it's illegal so but there are other things where i'm just like oh i can't do that that's actually like illegal like filling up my own water bottle like that's actually illegal and like i don't want to break the law anything else before we dip out oh yeah if you celebrate merry christmas i hope you got your stocking stuffed and uh that santa came real hard for you someone who recently watched the santa claus too tim allen is the santa claus in my head and i'm like not cool with that um you don't want a republican coming for you i i i don't not for free like i i do think that like that i don't even want as a tax write-off like i don't want

this to be charity work like i would like to be compensated for my time speaking of tax write-offs donate to my movie link in the description link in bio um that's it we hope you all enjoyed have a happy holiday and i guess no you'll hear from us tomorrow so we'll talk to you before the new year yeah a couple times actually yes true all right toodaloo oh and on for but am i watching this week we watched uh last holiday so join us it's fucking great all right goodbye goodbye and me melissa demonts plus diamond imprint productions Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson.