Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Never Had Sex With Your Partner

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

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My boyfriend, 33, and I, 26, have been together for eight years and live together. For a few years, we've struggled. Some days, I'm so ready to start a family and spend the rest of my life with him. And the next day, I'm struggling to see a future, commit, and the idea of us doesn't feel comfortable. This flip-flopping happens constantly and it is so draining for my mental health, but also his because I seem more distant and it's not possible to trust my words on commitment.

Because of this, I broke up with him last fall and moved out for five to six months. But we were in constant contact and it wasn't a clean break. Hooking up, et cetera. Yeah, that's definitely not a clean break. During that time, I started to feel like I'd made the wrong decision by breaking up

and I told him. We decided to get back together and I moved back in. I expressed I didn't have doubts anymore and this was true. Now, after a few months, those vague, uncomfortable feelings have started to come back. I don't really know what causes this. Is it a gut thing or am I dramatic? We aren't great communicators and good about talking about hard stuff.

Oh, like values and politics. I guess because we always end up arguing. He's not some MAGA guy, but a basic white dude who isn't aware of privilege or eager to fight for equal rights. So the opposite of me. He's a person who, quote unquote, doesn't mind if people have differing views on values and isn't really open to discussing these things because in his mind, differences in opinion don't really matter. This irritates me. I feel upset at myself and I don't know what to do.

Is it normal to change your mind this much? And how could I find clarity? Thanks. First off, you've been together for eight years. That means you were 18 and he was 25 when you started dating. I love that you're good at math because you know I can't do that. So I'm already out from the beginning. And now your frontal lobe has developed because you were 26 and you're questioning this relationship and i want to say go with that there is no reason why a man this old is acting like this unless he he actually does have some underlying beliefs that are right when right leaning yeah i mean i agree wholeheartedly uh this i will be honest with you this is not normal no it is not normal like as someone who has been with i've

been with mods for more than eight years we have lived together we have never like one of us hasn't moved out like any of that like if your relationship is not progressing at an upward trajectory it is if your relationship is not progressing like upward i don't believe that relationships can be like stagnant and like not going anywhere i do believe it's either up or down and because like two people are never both going to be on the same page if one person is staying stagnant that is affecting the other person that is a downward trajectory so for you in this like to me he's giving stagnant energy like he's giving like he's just there he's he's quote-unquote stable he's like you're the one with these like erratic kind of fucking feelings and like they're

very much not erratic and i also think the fact that he after you you're still hooking up you've had like all these ups and downs and like he took you back I also think is a red fucking flag because like that to me is like oh this is just you really don't have a sense of what he doesn't really have a sense of what he wants either and what you don't want is is him like and especially like seeing a future committing and like this doesn't feel comfortable those are like not normal feelings to have this long into a relationship as and like Melissa said like you're 26 and like I think in my head and I don't think I said it wrong but in my head because you were together for eight years I think I merged you being 28 but no like specifically like your

frontal lobe like quite literally just developed and it's you're having these feelings of this and like for me when I turned like 26 I was like oh I yeah I'm like this is it was like a sense of like comfort not a sense of like turmoil or like unreliability or stress or whatever and this mentality that he has and especially if you cannot argue or communicate like you should not be married you should not have kids together like all of those things and like Melissa said like he's I don't even think he's doing a very good job but hiding his values he does have values and he doesn't have an issue with your values and I will say that uh every conservative or every guy who doesn't necessarily claim to be conservative who i know who was okay who's like

you know i have my values but like i'm okay with your differing values they weren't they were not okay with it they thought that they could change that it's a challenge for them yeah and especially what you being younger than him too that plays a big factor in it even if you can't see it now and like when you have kids and like thinking all of that like let's not give that to them no if no no but i'm just saying that like yeah not when but i just think that like There are certain things that like don't come up and unless you have kids and you have those or you have to have those conversations ahead of time and like people can have very strong feelings about something and they'd be very okay if you don't have the, you don't share

those beliefs, but they are adamant that their kids do that. And like that could be a, for me, like hard line, hard line. And like, because Mats is not religious. He like grew up Lutheran, Lutheran, that's right. yeah but like you know like a kid in colorado who's like you know and his his like mom's not religious so like it was very much like yeah they went on holidays or whatever and i remember like bringing up something like something was brought up because my sister-in-law is jewish and so our nephew is jewish and our niece and so we brought up something about the only experience

i have with religion is judaism i'm talking about like you know the bris and the naming ceremonies and all of that kind of a thing and then something someone talked about uh being baptized and i was like oh yeah that's I don't even know anything about that mom's like oh we'd probably get our kids baptized and I was like no and he was like oh I guess yeah why would we get her and I was like but there are people who like he's not religious but like in his mind automatically was like well kid yeah like I mean every kid gets baptized and I was like I wasn't baptized like we're not and he was like oh you're right we actually I don't know why I thought that it was just because like that's what I did that was my childhood but there are some people who even if like they're

like casual, lax, practicing, whatever, any sort of belief system, they don't, if someone says, oh, I'm not comfortable with that. They're like, no, no, but that's how I was raised or that's how I was done. So it has to be done this way. And it's like, I think in this instance, he can be fine with you having differing views, but unless you talk about those differing views and then you, you come together with an agreement of like how you see your future and your life going, you can't i fundamentally believe you cannot be with someone long term who has like different morals values belief system like i just don't think you can but also like y'all have been together eight years and you're not great communicators and good about talking about

the hard stuff then what's your relationship built on you should be able eight years is a long time and i understand this has been the person i don't know if this is the only person but this is the person that you've spent your whole adulthood with you should be able to talk to him about anything and everything great at talking about this because he's fucking 33 right so like i don't have as high of an expectation for you because i think you're probably right this is probably like the first might even be the only serious relationship you've ever been in because you were so fucking young when you got together but like on his end he should be if i think i think if there's going to be this like advocacy to like date older men those older men

need to be wonderful they need to be they need to be done they need to be completed they need to be finished projects with a little bow on top they need to be fantastic communicators they need to have money property car all of these fucking things and like but when they got together he was 25 so like no he's never done he's never done it and then he hasn't been held to a standard to be able to do it no and your gut is telling you to get out that's why like yes even it probably even feels like seasonally these things happen and politically it's just gonna get worse so like I need you to break up with him. Do not hook up with him during this breakup.

And I need you to see other people. I was going to say, I need you to break up with him. And then I need you to sleep with somebody else immediately. I need, and if it is because if you're like, oh, I can never get back with him because like I slept with somebody else after we

broke up, I'm brittle with guilt. That's fine. Good. I, I need you to make a decision that may means that you will not go back. If you're meant to be with him, which I don't think this is your guy,

but if you were meant to be with him, breaking up and sleeping with someone else wouldn't be the deal breaker true and i think if you can think of something that he wouldn't take you back for do that thing but yeah i just i also think like a lack of a backbone in someone in a relationship is a huge red flag because it's like well i don't you don't have any strong convictions or feelings to anything whatsoever then i also think that like if you can't stand up for an idea or belief system that you have or like your your boundaries and your all of those things. How the fuck are you ever going to like stand up for me if we have something or our kids or anything like that? Like it just

feels like I just find it such an unattractive quality of being like super wishy washy or just like, oh, whatever. People can do what they want to do. Yeah. Yeah. Because he's a fucking white man. A white man. Get out. Get out. Get the fuck out. All right. We're going to take a break and we get back we'll get into another in toronto every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this cadillac optic was the number one selling luxury ev in canada for 2025 find your rhythm across a seamless 33 inch display and an immersive 19 speaker akg surround audio system This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac.

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Visit scotiabank.com slash H-I-S-A to learn more. Scotiabank. You're richer than you think. All right, we're back. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I-24, she, her, and moving out of my apartment in need advice. I have lived here three years and have accumulated things that are split between a roommate who is not moving context four of us live here 21 to 25 she her me and one other person are moving

what do you think would be the best approach for these items is asking for my share of what we paid for at all root maybe just ask for my share of big ticket items like a bookcase and rugs and not the smaller things like pillows, side tables, frames, etc. Asked for less than what I paid for since it's now used. I'm okay leaving the items, but getting some reimbursed would be nice, especially with needing to now buy furniture. Also, I'm likely moving in with a childhood friend. What do you think are good questions to ask to ensure we're on the same page?

i think we would live well together but i am a little nervous as i have never lived with someone i was close friends with before moving she's the only person i know who is also looking to move and i cannot afford to live alone slash not comfortable living with strangers right now my current roommate who is also likely moving is living with her boyfriend it would be the two of us and another girl from high school we were friends with my friend has remained close friends with her while i lost touch after high school after high school no this is so bad she moved and is now coming back but we got along well then i think all of us are mature enough to work out mundane household things without it becoming personal any advice would be greatly appreciated thank you both okay i have a

solution don't move that's my solution yeah i don't know if you like if you have like an issue with your current roommates besides the other one who's moving out. Like, you and your high school friend should live with your roommate who's moving out and her boyfriend because you will hate living with a couple and therefore will not ruin your friendship

with your high school friend. And then that is all ruined. That's also bad. Totally, but I'm just not wanting to ruin your friend with your high school friend. The couple also probably doesn't want them living with them. No, of course not. But this, okay, as far as the furniture goes,

you bought the furniture for the apartment, so I'm in the camp. So did you all four split it? Right. Is that the implication? And then also like if you all four split it and then it has depreciated in value since living here. I don't know how into the roommate-isms

that you purchased this, but I would just count that as a loss because it was bought for the apartment. Totally. But if there are things, I think the way to do it is like, there are things like couch, like a coffee,

like things that are big. if you're not passionate about any of them just be like okay yeah screw that but if you like want some of the picture frames be like hey like you know something you can split or like but even saying like hey i'm gonna give up obviously my share of these big ticket furniture items like when you eventually sell them you can split them now two ways between the two roommates who are left there being like go for that in return can i i'll take these frames like divide your stuff if you want to but i don't think that like nickeling and diming for like that aspect of it like unless you like are leaving on bad terms and you like want to make a stink like sure go for it but i

don't even know how much money you're gonna get i think it's far better if you like some of the stuff and you want to keep it i think it makes way more fucking sense to pay your roommates for a depreciated value of this item and take it with you than asking them to pay you to keep it yeah i just i don't think this is gonna go well at all i don't think that as roommates you should be buying things to split because this will eventually happen yeah so don't do this so you're buying things to split and you're the one moving out i just that's a wash yeah unless you want to pay them to take it and then they're cool with that i just think that that's a far more reasonable thing than like usually people don't buy someone out of something unless it's like a

brand new fucking tv and then usually it's like why don't you just take it yeah like just just like take it or if you're like letting someone like subletting a room and then they're like I want to stay and you're like okay here they'll pay you for your furniture or whatever but I do think that that aspect of it you're it's a far better far better bet to pay them to take stuff but like why are you you didn't tell us like why you're moving out yeah at all and I think that that was needed so then I can better justify this but like because you're moving out but you can't afford to live alone and and so you were looking for a roommate and the only other person you know that is looking for a roommate is your childhood friend who has closer friends with someone you

went to high school that you don't you didn't even consider them to be a friend because you call them a friend that already setting you up for failure one don't room with friends don't room with friends that are two of them are closer to each other because it's going to end up when you fight about something is going to be two against one yeah unfortunately you are already the third wheel in this situation and like i am from personal experience deeply against groups of three like groups of three especially like living together is is too hard it needs to be an even split it needs to be two people four people like and no one should know each other no no no unless it's like two couples

living together hell it is hell but at least you have a part an equal ground partner in that yeah this to me is like if this is purely out of like i have to get out of my current living situation and like you know it's not ideal and i don't want it to ruin our friendship but like it might but like you know she's close with this other person and like that's okay because like it's not that this is like oh you share something different necessarily with and maybe you knew each other for longer but like it does seem like this other friend from like this other girl from high school would also if you were friends would also be considered a childhood friend so I don't like I don't want to like say that you're outranked friendship wise but I just think that like if

you are coming out of a shitty friend like a shitty living situation if this has been tumultuous in any way i do think you're stepping into like a much higher stakes territory because now you're gonna lose a friend yeah if you love if you're you were friends with your previous roommates and you have like lost them as friends or like it has fundamentally like changed your social life i do think that this is a high fucking risk situation that is yeah i think the stakes are a lot higher and you haven't solidified this yet because you said i'm likely moving in we can our let's stop this before it gets to i'm definitely moving in how about you look for roommates elsewhere it and people that are not friends yeah because you say you're not comfortable living with

strangers right now it doesn't have to be a stranger like it can be like oh this is my like it's just like a friend a friend's cousin or this is you know someone who like i went to school like you moving in with the friend the the girl from high school who like you weren't really friends with that much better much better but when you throw in like the childhood friend aspect of it but you know i think if this is your only option i do think being nervous about how it affects your friendship is a good mentality to go into it with and like being hyper aware of that but i do think that throwing in an additional person changes the social dynamics especially because it's someone who you know who you're not really friends with who they are way closer to i i think that you

have just now increased the the risk of this friendship like the roommate that being roommates really affecting your long-term friendship but i also understand as someone who's done it like when you have to fucking get out of a situation so like if it's a means to an end sign a six-month lease, sign a month to month lease and seek a ton of your social interactions outside of the roommates. And then spend a lot of time trying to like, you know, get to know the other girl from high school. Like I think there are ways to do this, but I just really would not bank on this as a long-term thing. If you have to do it, you have to do it. But I, I don't know that there's anything you could do to set yourself up for long-term success because like group of three,

two people already closer than you. And like, especially if you're like fragile from a situation you've just had like it's just you don't want to then rely on other people who are also going to disappoint you yeah even if it's not malicious like it's just like I've been that before like I've been a very like needy friend or like a very desperate friend when I've gotten out of like very bad living situations and like those friendships like did not last and like there are sometimes some people are I'm like yeah that was my picker was bad like you were not a good person I should have seen that but there are other times being like oh I was just we were in very different spots in our life and like if you had done what you did to me now or like if you had shown up for

me the way that you did then I wouldn't have take at this time I wouldn't take that personally I wouldn't feel like a slight because like I'm not coming off of something really shitty so yeah this is more of a I think mitigating the cards you've been dealt questions to ask I would look at your situation that you're coming out of and see and everything that may have bothered you or you liked about the situation write it down and then those are things you can discuss with your friend and their friend and then also like asking basic questions like what time do you get up what time do you go to sleep are we doing like roommate meals or like are you a person that cleans up right after they cook or do you you know let the dishes sit for a minute and then

clean up later how messy or clean they are and be specific about like messy or clean because that's subjective yeah are you tidy are you dirty right because tidy to some people is dirty is dirty yep so just write down every everything about how you like to live and discuss it with them yeah do it and do it before you sign a lease and be like very candid about it like don't do like the tiptoeing around or trying to like polite like niceties being like hey so this like my last roommate situation dissolved because of x y and z like i want to be super fucking straightforward like you know like if any of them are single being like how often do you bring people home like how often would you be cool with one like just be so and i think that is the only time

where i think like if you want to live with a friend especially like a childhood friend then like you have to essentially prove why it's not like the other friendships and you have to be able to be so fucking candid and like so not afraid of being judged and like so straightforward from the start because you actually have that repertoire there between you so like you can use that to your advantage there but I think if you're already kind of like you know trepidatious about that that's like the only benefit of living with someone who you know really well right like I don't want you in my room don't sit on my bed with outdoor clothes on don't sit on my bed period no we're not borrowing clothes if you borrow my clothes without asking i do think i am entitled to

slap you across the face i do not want to see a naked man walking around at any time i don't want to hear you moaning um things like that have you ever taken a trip with this friend because like there are like any of my close friends i would know what it's like to live with them on like a surface level do what i mean yeah and like i i would be curious about that aspect and that's how you think you know that you would live well together but you have to figure out about the other third person too because if two people live really well together in the same way and the third person doesn't then it suddenly becomes like oh you've been overrided which is like not fair right but best of luck roommate stuff is a headache all right we're gonna take

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oikos pro feed your strength visit oikos.ca for more details we are back it's time for the next dear megan and melissa i am 43 years old and a single mom of a six-year-old and i've attempted dating apps in the fall of 2022 in early 2023 i matched with a man and we immediately began messaging and discovered we had a lot in common conversations are great and he is super sweet i have now been talking to him for over two years we started slow by just texting and didn't meet until six months later we both respect each other's dedication to our career however i'm at a place of wanting more we don't get to see each other very often and it feels like long distance we check in weekly and the chemistry is there but we've never had sex

all right that was so not where i thought i didn't know that wow i know he's attracted to me but he will not initiate any intimacy other than kissing and hugging. Recently he asked me if this was just a physical attraction for me. I asked him to answer first and to be honest he said well we get along really well. I agreed. I also said I feel an emotional connection with him too. He answered that makes it ever better. I also told him that I would like more time and to see where this can go for us and I told him he can say no if he doesn't feel the same. Now I'm experiencing some distance from him which is new if i text him he naturally responds quick and consistently for two years his choice however lately he has left me on red for days i know that work keeps him busy right

now and i'm very understanding but there needs to be a time that he can give me some time to have this talk thanks ladies two years i have so many questions yeah something's up you matched in 2023 you've been talking for two years and you've just had little kisses here and there i need this man is married yeah i need you to go back to your 20s and i need you to think about the sentence you just said we've been talking for two years go back to your 20s what would you say if a friend said i've been talking to this guy for two years you would go you've been talking for two years talking that's the stage we're at you've been talking for two years this man is married like i'm married or just wants to be friends but like having a conversation two years

in and you're like is this physical attraction but y'all aren't actually having sex and obviously it's not just physical attraction because most of your relationship has just been talking that is beyond physical attraction no it's to me it sounds like he's a supremely religious man who is like, are you just like a horny Jezebel who just wants me for my body? And it's like, first of all, you haven't given me the body. So I have been here for two years. Yeah, no, this is like supremely weird to me. I think he's married. I think it like you're someone that's a good conversationalist, that they don't have to talk to their wife about certain things. And then like, you know, they're not actually crossing the line because they're not having sex with you.

so it's not really cheating is it in his mind yeah does he have kids like what do you know about him send us his name so we can stalk his social media everything even if you think like i found everything we can find more yes i promise you yeah this to me feels odd have you ever been in his place that was my next question because i i think like i guess you have pictures yeah i could see the mary thing but like i could also see um emotionally stunted very religious man who like lives with his parents and like does not have the social like skills or have the like until dating and like or maybe like was really raised by like very hovering parents and so the only social and wasn't allowed to go to like anything along

the lines of like because to me this is very much a friendship like and so I'm like why is he using a dating app for friends and then keeping it under the guise of like dating and like pretending that it's about do you know what I mean like you can make friends but like why is he not making friends maybe if he was in his 20s I don't know how old he is but you're in your 40s so I just I I don't think that's still something that somebody in their 40s is well that's what I'm confused about that like and i'm not saying that he's like not straight but like this to me is someone who like clearly is not looking for anything romantic and then went on a platform that is used to find romantic connection and then is also like kind of worried that you want to be physical with him

and like seemingly the way the vibe he's giving off is like worried that like oh that this is this is feeling romantic and like i you know i just want to make sure we're we're friends and it's like but you're not like he's it's just like they're the his words are like so not matching his actions or even just the actions aren't matching like you signed up for a dating app we've been talking you know we kiss and we hug but there's like no other aspect of this and then you're also worried that i just want you because i'm attracted to you if y'all have been together for one year and you were still just talking i would be like you know it's time to lock this down if this is somebody you want to be with but two years and you haven't even fucked no you check in weekly

does that mean texting or does that mean seeing him weekly seems like texting my solution to this and you know it probably because you have a child but my solution is to run that roster up don't have him be the only person that you're uh giving attention to because when there's just one person that is giving you that like emotional need that you thought that you wanted then you think that that's the guy but i think if you added added a couple more to that roster then you would be able to see that like you can get emotional support from somebody else but also physical support yeah this is in general i i i understand that like being a parent like you're very busy and like you seemingly you're you're working too like so like you're really fucking dedicated to that

career yeah and so i do think that like i i'm not gonna give you i'm not gonna say the same things that i say for people who are don't have kids that are in their 20s which is like you should figure out if you have banter on a dating app and then you should like go out and like you you should make sure that they're a safe person as much as you can and much background check as you can do and then you should like meet up for coffee relatively quickly so you're not like you're not falling in like with a persona over text but like it is different you are busier you do not have the free time to like okay let's go do this thing right now drop everything and like also the age range of the people that you are also dating probably also are in similar situations

like they also don't have the time so i don't think that like you need to like not text someone before but like six months is a long fucking time and that to me is like you will like Melissa said you if you he's the only person you were talking to you will get attached to an idea of him and you need to figure that out you need to figure out if who he is compared to like the idea of him way earlier I think than six months because I think that's probably the reason why you're still invested in this is because like you had built up care for him before you had ever even met him in person. And I just think that that's the wrong way to do it. You should be able to build up banter, a little bit of a repertoire, and to feel like this person is vetted enough that you feel

like safe and confident going that you think that you're going to be interested in this person. I don't think you should go out with someone you're like, I don't think I'm going to like that. No, no, no. It should just be like those things, but it shouldn't be like, oh, I have a crush on him already. Or like, I have these, I've already started to develop feelings for him already before we meet up. Like, I do think you need to like create a little bit of a barrier and a boundary like of like letting those feelings happen and that is there just needs to be a little bit less time and also if like if you don't have the time right now like to date and you're like this is kind of like the only thing like I could do you don't have like you also don't

have like if anyone's like pressuring you to be like you got to get better out there you got to get a date like you don't have to date right now if you don't want to if you just want somebody to talk to then great but like this just sounds like a man that doesn't know what he actually wants but if you just want somebody to talk to be honest with him and say you know what like after we had that like attraction conversation I realized that you and I have great communication usually but it seems like after we had that conversation you pull back so I do enjoy our chats let's just you know continue like that let's just talk it doesn't have to be any more of that but if you need to get dicked down yeah get dicked down he's taking up the time that you would have to make another

connection and so you you don't have like you don't have a lot of you don't have that time in your day and so i think if he's taking up that space he needs to be checking those fucking boxes and he's he's not right and i think like an emotional connection is wonderful and great and fine. But I would also ask yourself, like, you know, how often are you spending time with like friends? How often are you doing that kind of stuff? Because I think like meeting an emotional need is wonderful. That doesn't have to come from someone who you are also looking for something romantic or sexual or something more from that. Like your cup can get filled from like, like love and social stuff and affection, like from friends. And then the other stuff can be from somebody

else but this to me is just odd like very odd and if he doesn't have kids i'm confused that's what i literally saw a tiktok actually it wasn't on tiktok it was on instagram reels this morning uh that this guy made and it said how a guy acts right before ghosting you and it's this man just like saying like you're the most important person in my world you are so great we are so perfect together i could see having kids like all that kind of stuff and then the next day they're just gone yeah yeah this is just this is this is odd and i also think if he's like a sexual or aromantic he i'm assuming he's in your age bracket he should be of an age where and i think in general you should have to tolerate less bullshit the older you get and also the life events you've

already checked off if you have already have a kid like you don't have time for the bullshit like that's the benefit of getting older maturing like living more life so i think that like if he is also in your age bracket and like there is something big there then like he just needs to tell you and like that's his responsibility i don't think you need to coddle it out of him assuming he's a fully grown man right send us his info please i am like so curious all right we're gonna take one more break and we'll get into the last one when you're a mid-sized business you need every competitive advantage you can get like an ai solution that works for you not against you sap grow is built with ai embedded at its core

working across every system and it's ready to go from day one so you can hit the ground running bring it with sap grow ai cloud erp for any size business hear that it's your money calling it wants a promotion elevate your savings with the scotia high interest savings account always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest conditions apply visit scotiabank.com slash hisa to learn more scotiabank you're richer than you think we are back and it is time for the last hi megan and melissa i need some advice on a situation regarding my sister for reference i'm 30 she heard my sister is 34 she heard we'll call her tabitha my two other sisters who are involved for 35 she heard nicole and 36 she her cat my 30th

birthday was at the end of march and to put it simply my last few birthdays have been a bit of a nightmare so this year i asked my husband to keep it low-key with dinner and a movie i wasn't expecting my family or friends to throw a 30th bash but i also made it clear that just in case anyone reached out to kindly shut it down on the morning of my birthday nicole reached out and asked if there was time for her to stop by for presents i said yes and told her what time we'd be home after dinner cat was already going to be there as her and i both broke out of my parents home and my husband and i live with my parents after tabitha she reached out to wish me happy birthday asked me what i would be doing and that was the extent of our conversation when my husband

and i got back from dinner kat and nicole were there everything seemed normal for about two minutes until i saw kat sliding her phone over to nicole looking very upset and annoyed and here is where the drama starts a few weeks before my birthday kat told my husband that she and nicole wanted a plan to get together sisters only with decor and cake tabitha was very non-committal about it she didn't want to involve herself and up until a few days before wasn't even planning to come my husband okayed it told him to keep it low-key citing my anxiety and well then after my birthday i was having a rough time anxiety wise and cat knew this and apparently decided to cancel it all not mind to put any extra stress on the day fast forward to the day of nicole reaching

out on her own as stated and she asked me if she could stop by she did this hoping that i would say yes because she had already purchased a cake back to the phone two minutes after we walked in the door cat got a text message from tabitha that said i was going to leave a present on the porch but when i drove by i saw all your cars if you didn't want me there you should have just told me that cat quickly texted her back told her it was a misunderstanding and to come inside but she ignored her i called tabitha later that night to clear up the confusion to let her know nicole texted me on her own and that cat didn't know she would be there and that there was no secret party but she didn't answer i figured i'd give her space even though i was feeling upset because it seemed

like i was being punished for something i was unaware of a few days passed and she posted about being in the hospital on instagram i immediately reached out to her but she left me unseen the rest of the night and following morning went by my family was worried but also annoyed at her as she was seen as active on instagram was posting photos but still ignoring us nicole reached out hoping if she explained the situation from her end it would help and that's when Tabitha responded saying everyone always leaves me out of things and never texts me outside of the group chat you all have each other but I have nobody and to make a few things clear she was constantly complaining that we texted too much in our sister group chat because it blows up her phone

she also never commits to any plans hardly attends any family gatherings and she constantly talks about how she hates texting and calling and only wants to talk to people in person when my dad tried to talk to her she said she wanted space I reached out letting her know if she needed space from me i'd respect that and i hope she would reach out when she's ready so we could talk about it it's been a month since this all happened and i've been wanting to reach out because i hate when things fester but i don't know what to do i also noticed that she made me unfollow her on instagram there have been many one-off issues the last two years my relationship has been very one-sided as she only calls me once a month i complain about work for hours at a time

but she's my sister and since i dealt with the strange siblings in the past i don't want to make a wrong move what would you guys do any advice on how to navigate this mess one i appreciate that you wrote this all down i appreciate the speed you practice and you were like i'm getting in the this in three minutes all the details wonderful 252 like yeah icon also like the ages the names all of that yes and by the way i didn't realize it until this moment when you pick a unique name that is a name that i have like heard of that like is also age appropriate like i remember tabitha like when you like if you give us an update at any point i'll be like sister tabitha We've got a Nicole, we've got a Tabitha, and we've got a cat.

Like, I just, those were, you painted a very good picture. I feel like I can see it really clearly. I even can picture your parents' home and, like, the dining room table. It's a lacquered cherry wood in my mind. As a sister, a person that has two sisters, this is telling. I don't think she was ever actually in the hospital. She posted that to get attention. And you gave it to her.

And also, like, you didn't even say what she was in the hospital for. so like clearly she wasn't serious because i also agree i also kind of don't think she was the hospital she didn't tell anybody else in the family and then she was just going on posting like a work drug test posting as usual was it on close friends and in that case i bet you were the only person listed in the close friends and then she blocked and then she unfollowed uh-huh here's the thing me and my sister megan there was a time where she would call me and complain about work and then that would be all that she would do and I said Megan if she also doesn't like to be in group chat I actually don't like to be in group chats either because my mom will add random people

to the chat and then I'll say this actually happened over Christmas she added us as a family and then one random person in the chat and I said something that and I thought the other person would have been somebody we knew because like why are we all in this chat and somebody i don't know and so i said something as i do so then she gets mad at me because i said some offhand comment you know who i am you know how i talk to people and you invited a fucking random and you know that i don't like to be in group chats and then she was mad at me all day not my problem not my problem but I get it like these this to me is typical sister behavior if I would say it was let's say it was my birthday we don't all live in the same place but we were it was my birth no

let's say it's Melanie's birthday and I am coming by to drop off a present and you said you don't want to have a birthday and then make my sister's name is Megan too and then Megan's car is there And I'm like, oh, I thought we weren't having anything. I would feel left out. But then let's talk about it. Let's not pass phones back and forth. Let's have a conversation. The thing is, she's not willing to have conversation.

So if you want to preserve this relationship, you have to be the one to say, hey, what you're doing is some bullshit. It was a misunderstanding. You're taking my birthday and making it about you just like you do in every other situation. how you you feel left out but you don't want to be part of the group chat you call me to complain about your work but don't ask me how my day's going you need to decide what you want and what you want out of this sisterhood and this family and if you don't know that go figure that out come back and we can have this discussion again yeah i think like being as straightforward and honest like she sounds miserable she sounds like she's like been deeply unhappy and i'd be like hey

i love you this is so truly not that deep and i understand that like i don't think you're faking how you feel about this i think this really hurt your feelings and like that is totally valid but like i think that like the fact that you can't recognize that you don't want to be in group chats you think that we talk too much in group chats that there is a very reasonable explanation for this we've given this to you and you've chosen to still be upset the only time you ever you call me once a month to complain about work for hours it feels like i understand that like we can't all choose the mental headspace that we're in but like as your sister who loves you you have been like really fucking miserable for the last like and you said two years you've had it's been like a

very one-sided relationship like for the last two years and it's like and I like I want better for you like I want you to be happy I want things that you love and like I like I don't want this to affect our friendship and relationship like how can I help you out like I think like if you're going through something like that's totally like we all have that like I've I've been through some shit you've been through and we don't always tell our like our family like any of that stuff but like what's like what's going on because I think like the fact that you are pushing all of us away now these people who like really care about you when we know that like you're having a really hard time at work and all these other things it feels like you are just pushing the last people who you

have away and like I don't want to be pushed away you can try and push me away I'm not fucking going anywhere but like how can like let's I want I want us to move forward on this so like if you need to be mad at me then like okay be mad at me and like we'll take a fucking break and like I'll still be here go for it be mad at me but it's like if you're like really anxious or like you're feeling like really heightened emotions you're really depressed like I'll give you the number of my psychiatrists like they're great like just being like so candid like I've had and I don't have siblings like this but like I've had like friends who are like hey like I love you to death you need something to calm you down and like and like here's my like literally like I my friends we've

all like referred are like two different psychiatrists being like here check this out whatever like hey you need to go with her like I love you but like this is you're not doing well and like I can see that and like you might not be able to recognize that and like you might it might have felt like a slow shift for you but like I can see this is very much night and day and like it doesn't have to be like this and like it has to come from a place of like hey I get it I've been there. Here's this. Let me help you out. But being straightforward. And I do think in general with those kinds of things, to not coddle the person. I'm going to be super honest with you. You seem like you're not doing well. It is affecting us because you are treating us

like shit and you're pushing us away. And I could just say nothing and let you push me away. But you're clearly going through some shit. And if that pisses her off, then that's fine. But I'm a big believer in like plant the seed at least once. And like, she doesn't have to take you up on it immediately. It can literally be something that she like, doesn't speak to you for six months and she stews on it and stews on it and stews on it. And then like in a year and a half, she like shows up to a family event one day and she's a totally different person. And it's like, and you don't even have to follow up and be like, Hey, what happened? She took your advice. She like, she, she sought out and did any of that. But I do think you will still this, the thing that you're

having an issue with is like, you don't like feeling what was, I don't know the word you use, but like you don't like the the feeling of uh things that are unfinished or things that are like messy like or still actively happening and this to me is something that will help you with your conscience like you need to just get it out there and say it and even if you're like well that's really gonna piss her off some it's okay sometimes we need to hear things that piss us off because we need to get out of our own heads a little bit and have other people be like oh okay they can see this too like this is not i'm not being pleasant yeah me and my sisters fight all the time me and melanie got in the biggest fight ever over christmas this was an eventful christmas

we've never really fought like that since we were like five and then one day we were just over it like it's not even a big deal me and megan have gone like two months without having like conversation is other than like hey and then we see each other next time it's like nothing happened and then like even um there's things like you know people change and like there are things that me and megan used to joke about and then she told me she was like hey i don't think that's i don't like to joke about that anymore and i'm like okay so i'm not gonna talk about that anymore yeah and so like just give it some time she'll come back around keep reaching out in the way that you feel comfortable to it'll be fine yeah I think the more straightforward you are and the

less you beat around the bush the less you'll feel like oh there's more I should do there's stuff that's left unsaid don't leave anything unsaid just like say what you feel say what you need to say get it out there she can take it or not and like at that point it is no longer on you but I do think if we like if we constantly tiptoe around people we just keep doing that and like they're not necessarily gonna pick up on those things or whatever and like it will build resentment so being honest and also when you're expecting straightforward honesty from her you also need to be straightforward and honest with her like if you're like I want you to tell me why like you're not responding to me you're all of this kind of stuff you need to be just as like just

is like radically honest and transparent about this and that gives her the ability to also do that right but i think if you just keep it all up in the air it's just gonna frustrate everybody even more yep so but this also really isn't your problem because it was your fucking birthday right and as somebody who's had some pretty bad birthdays it pisses me off that's what i'm saying she's making things about her when it's not even about her yeah but like she could be mad at the other sisters but i i will bet you that your other sisters don't give her this much like they're not they're gonna cut off this like spiral a lot quicker yeah what are you and your other sister talking about like have y'all discussed this what's going on yeah so you one

thing when it's three girls you can a lot of times two against one but like we're working for the greater good well isn't it there's four well i need even more of that then yeah who's the other middle child because tabitha's one of them because you're 30 tabitha's 35 and then someone's 36 does that mean there's are they twin are cat and nicole twins is it 35 and 35 or i might have missed a number in between there i don't remember but get the other middle sibling to be like i get this we just gotta figure it out it'll be fine yeah it'll be fine all right well we hope you all enjoyed this episode if you did you can always leave a review on the podcast app and you can also leave a review for the specific episode on spotify you can watch the video version on

spotify no you can watch the video version on patreon you can also just listen on patreon ad free we have multiple different tiers we also do live streams twice a month they are very fun get to meet new people hang out uh it's a it's a great time sometimes there's diagrams drawn sometimes like i missed the last one last diagram yeah when i left mary drew something i think she drew well we did have to explain i think it was we explained it to mari but i don't know if anyone else who also wasn't there the thing that we've already talked about okay so that makes more sense but i might be forgetting because lauren sent a message saying that to say said hey ask mary if she can um post the three on one was that what is whatever the number was yeah if she can post

that on patreon and i was like and so i responded and i said that she drew like two years ago and so and then laura said no it happened when you were you were gone but i was like this literally happened years ago and so now this makes sense and then we couldn't remember why we didn't have that episode up and then we all talked through remembering why because where the conversation got to at the end we were like let's cut this off okay yeah yeah yeah yeah um so it's really fun and you can watch the video version you can like watch the live streams to like get the vibe and then also just know sometimes we have to pause because we're saying things that can't be recorded yeah it's very exclusive hot hot goss info um and yeah call in for upcoming episodes um send us

emails to all of that stuff and if you have an update also send us an email we'd love to hear from you and join us tomorrow for fisting friday monday we'll have but am i wrong tuesday see you Next Tuesday, Wednesday, listen to your favorite episode. And then Thursday, we'll be back for another episode of Don't Blame Me. Deuces, motherfuckers. Bye. This is a Sister Sign production hosted by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions.

Post-production by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.