Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Nosy About Boyfriend's Trauma

Episode Date: April 10, 2025

Content Warning: Submission #3 - Sexual Assault This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update: Better dating app matches Jumping into a serious relationship Keeping religious parents away from your boyfriend Afraid of triggering your partner Don't Blame Them: Buy Our Merch https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign Call In - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In - [e-mail] (300 words or less) Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at cadillaccanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Get ready with Megan while she does her makeup to record a podcast called Don't Blame Me, a call and advice podcast. If you're

just listening to this, you're like, what do you mean get ready with me? Well, you need to join our Patreon and then you will understand what this little joke question mark, it's not really funny is about a bit there we go it's a bit i will urge everybody not to look too closely at the um this eye that i'm pointing to i was about to get there okay all right as she does what she's doing if she looks up look up you might notice that her eye i think it's her left eye i don't know because it's like double mirrors so i'm not sure okay her left eye it has some issues why you may ask think about that time where she poisoned well i guess technically mods poisoned her same type of situation food was involved plates were involved but a different hole in

her face was involved yeah i have to say the dawn power wash incident of 2024 you didn't repost the video that you were going to repost and then i couldn't i don't even remember what my funny comment is but i'll come up with something fresh i'm gonna put that on my to do is repost video brain is a wild place every time i log on to tiktok i have 99 plus likes and it's not because i'm posting anything on my own page no you're like sydney carmichael you are comment famous yes and this is why i need to be compensated because i am part of the reason why tiktok stays afloat no you are and i do wonder if sydney carmichael listens to this podcast also i might even be pronouncing her name wrong but like in my head that's what it auto corrects to

i don't know who you're talking about she's someone who follows me who like she'll comment on my stuff and like she's she's always very funny and then every time i open the fucking comment section in a different tiktok she's there with one of the top comments and i'm like every time without fail very similar to you i really enjoy what i do well you bring joy you bring and bring hahas to the world and if anybody's confused um one time i accidentally ate don power wash which i love that we were blaming mods for it it really was you know you eat i ate it you ate old food i wasn't it was the same night he just had already clean was like had sprayed the the pan to clean and it was a wow melissa it was also brussels sprouts and that's what this that's

what got me today too maybe it's brussels sprouts damn don't i can't eliminate those sprouts for my life the baby cabbages and he had sprayed it and there was like you know extra little crispy leaves on there and i'm like a clean plate club girl we grew up in different tax markets um and And so I was like, oh, let me get one of these as I like pop my way over, like from the kitchen, from the living room to the kitchen just for a minute. And I ate it and then it was on power wash. And I did upchuck in my sink and I did Google if I would need to call poison control. I think it was a Wednesday, like the day before we recorded. And then we had to record virtual because I was the reason why, if it would have been the day of, I would have been like, just drink a bunch of water.

But since it was the next day and you were still feeling shitty, then. yeah today i had to clean my contact during our um our break and the longest break over well what happened was i went to go pee as i told melissa i was gonna go pee and then i was ready because i was um and then i was like oh i need to clean my contact because i've got allergies get pretty much if i have allergies i have to clean my contacts halfway through the day and so i went to go do that and then i remember then i was like oh i've put my plate away i'd already washed my hands before i put the plate away and i then forgot to wash my hands again even though there's nothing on my hands visibly but your girl had cayenne pepper remnants from like the edge of my

plate that i stuck into my goddamn fucking eye yeah so so um there's that here we are for don't blame me what's don't blame me megan don't blame me is an advice show it's a common advice show so you can call we give you advice but hey you have social anxiety you're you're gen z you're like i can't i can't don't worry you can record a voice memo and hell if that stresses you out too much you can send us an email type it out send us a dm and if all of that is like whoa where do i even start there's a form that melissa made we are giving you absolutely zero you've got no excuses at this point no excuses never never stop never stopping nope never something never surrender buzz lightyear never give up never surrender sure yeah you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976

international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com if you want to do a written email you can also send to that email address you can dm us over on our instagram which is just at megan and melissa and then the form is also listed in the show notes but it is also in our bio right it's linked in our instagram so you can check that out there it's the links in our bio I do want to say I was completely vindicated by I went to a coffee shop last week the one that I've already spoken on and they must have had Justin Timberlake radio it was like every other song was Justin Timberlake or Beyonce or Destiny's Child and the people in the coffee shop there was at one point everybody was just singing along to justin and then i got the satisfaction

of turning to draw and saying see black people still love justin and you know what and also somebody in our patreon said the same thing and it was a black woman i was thinking that a white woman saying Buck would love him yes you know I I am happy you are happy and there you go and that's and that's and that's all and that's all there is to it is that I am happy that you are happy now would I like you to be happy alongside Britney Spears and Janet Jackson of course I am happy alongside janet jackson i've already told you that what she said i know we are missing the third janet is over here with me no she is with you britain is over here with me too well with vaccinations but his poor children are i understand his wife but he has openly talked about

vaccinations i just think at this point you publicly cheated on her she is an anti-vaxxer divorce divorce her you know who do you who would you put him with if you say you melissa because i don't think you want to fuck him oh no i would definitely jump on that oh but i don't want to be stepmother to some unvaccinated children some measled up kids yuck and we're not blaming the children of course no i knew a bunch of kids who were unvaccinated and then they became adults and then they got into really good colleges and their parents were like well good thing you could know you could get

in and they said no i'm i'm going shoot me up doc i say and this is considering this if this other person was also single but they're not it'd be beyonce they have great chemistry together they've done gone on the road to him and jay-z are very good friends they have several songs together they're good so are you a beyonce jt not a beyonce uh chris martin there's nothing about chris martin that i think beyonce is attracted to do you not get the edits i know what you're talking about i was just curious this is going to be like an obama harry situation no i know exactly what you're talking about i personally don't i don't see the the lust coming from her at all um but i see the admiration from him but i don't see where she's looking at

him in any type of way i see him looking at her like she has sprouted a halo and winks i don't see her looking at him like i would like to undress him yes so uh the phone number is 310-694-0976 and the email meganpodcast.gmail.com for all of them you have to be 18 or over or have your parents permission by the way my new vocal stim tension alopecia after that fucking auto correct when i sent you tension alopecia with a fucking accent it was pretty funny about who you're talking about well because by the way everybody i wasn't saying this person has tension alopecia i was saying this person tension alopecia is looking phenomenal this hairline is looking lush it's looking loose and looks like she's been using those sacred drops exactly it looks like

she's been massaging that scalp but now because you i don't know if you remember the tiktok of uh the the french woman who i think she's french who is like i think she's a bigot but she was just like anytime there would be no there's like something else came out afterwards and i only found out about all of this after i didn't see it as it was happening but everyone's like yes yes yes yes yes yes so my vocal stim has become she's italian perfect sorry french catching strays today and so hey today's break for the italians but uh i now my vocal stim because i sent that accidentally with the accent because if i when i was in my duolingo phase which i have not been in a while i downloaded of course you're the reason why she got hit by a cyber truck

that's okay she's back she is back it so that i'll correct you with the accent and now literally all all day i just walk around going tension hello anyways um keep it under 300 words for the audio recording as well as the voicemail keep it under three minutes that is not a request it is a requirement you will quite literally be cut off after three minutes with the voicemail it's legitimately a technical thing we won't get the rest of it speaking of our voicemail um i don't know who's been giving our phone number out why our phone number is ending up on people's butt dials but we've gotten so many maybe six since last week nope all of them are different and this last one was a doozy i might put it on

the patreon was that not the one you played for me no way this one came in after it i have to say i'm thinking that this is some of you giving this to like men you don't want to actually give your number to in a bar this is an old lady okay so don't exactly know how that fits in yep and it was just a butt dial yeah she is talking about i don't know okay here's the thing is it sounds like she's talking directly into the phone because the other one was definitely a butt dial this is like he was an uber yeah this one sounds like she's talking directly into a phone but it starts in the middle of a conversation okay like she's talking to whoever she thinks she's talking to on the phone that's what it seems like we just caught her mid-scene she's

complaining about yeah something but um i might put it on page i don't know i'll send it to you first and you let me know we should put it on patreon that's so funny that is like legitimately so funny so yeah just tell us everything that's happening that you need our advice on and we will do our very best to help you and give you the best advice that we can we do say though that you know we're the unbiased third party but at the same time you listen to our show you like us we want to be on your side but morally and ethically we we have to we have to tell you the whole truth and and nothing but the truth so tell us if you're sensitive but just know that we want what's best for you and if we if we have to tell you that that you've done you've done some deeds then

it's usually said with love it is said with love and we want you to change we want you to improve we all want growth and change and you know all about possibility all right should we get into the first line item yes it is an update and it's also an interactive update for us i love interaction hey eminem i'm the writer of the title submission from better dating app matches following up why do i want to date men i really don't know but the dating pool of women and non-binary folks is limited i end up swiping through mostly men and i'm trying to make the best of it. As two straight women, I know there's only so much advice you can offer on queer dating, so I wanted your advice for men, and in the group chat, I'll commiserate on my sapphic dating woes.

As for other questions brought up, I've tried all the apps but currently use Tinder and Hinge. I have what I'm looking for long-term or long-term open to short when debating if all I actually want to do is fuck them, like y'all suggested. By lack of sexual chemistry, I met with people I've met on the apps and then gone on two to five plus dates with. In most cases, kissing them would be fine, but I had no desire for anything more and there just wasn't a spark. By good conversation, I mean bantering conversations that flow naturally and reciprocated effort, asking questions and trying to get to know me. I also don't want men being overtly sexual right now on the apps. My freak is being matched after taking on slash off the apps. A couple of dates are gradual

escalation towards spicier conversations if the vibes are right. With those, the physical attraction is there, but I need mental connection too, or I inevitably get bored of hot guys with conversational skills of wilted lettuce i've tried it all changing pics updating prompts adjusting preferences taking the breaks but i still feel unable to find someone i enjoy talking to spending time with and wanna fuck thanks and then they also sent on our instagram they sent their dating profile to us oh perfect right off the bat you can't go on five dates with someone who you don't want to fuck nope that's a way like two dates maximum but i do think that like you would know by one date and if you are someone who knows that like you if you can have sexual

attraction from because some people it has to build if you can have sexual attraction from someone from a date because i will say that like i go from men i have never met i'm like that i just see who have not spoke haven't said a word aloud i'm like i could fuck you we talk have a conversation I go no couldn't fuck you I get to know you a little bit more we actually go on a date I go okay I can fuck you like there's like this window for me where you no longer become mysterious and I know like just enough about you to like kind of get the ick but then I don't know enough about you to like have the ick be warranted so I need to have like one day but like if you are someone who like you can know immediately if you're attracted to someone or not and like if

that banter and that spark is there I would say two dates maximum but like realistically one date like one day like i think that you're you're investing far too much time in people who you're not yeah and do you mean because like i think that would free up a hell of a lot more time also naively am i now thinking are you getting men and women and non-binary people non-binary people all in one feed i think so i think that's how it works you just when you click everybody that you're interested in then you just get everybody i thought it switched like how bumble bff yeah just oh okay so that makes sense if you're like you literally mean the dating pool of the matches you're being fed are more men yeah that makes sense you sent us your profile and i

see on your profile it says uh long-term partner but you mentioned like you'll do long-term or short short-term if you just want to fuck but you did tell us in the original one that you're like just looking for a long-term so i would only have that listed and not the second which you do the one that you sent us only has long term um but i don't know if on the other app as you say you're on too i think this is tinder i don't know why that one isn't even is even an option i it used to not be like there's no reason for it to exist like this isn't like fucking like people that just want to fuck that's what it is but people who just want to fuck also guys aren't necessarily or like i'm just and we're talking about like shitty dude people will put whatever that's

gonna get them laid like it's not do you what i mean yeah i wonder if also it might be people fetishizing you like men when they see that you're bisexual can they see that yeah so i wonder but you can hide it i believe i'm not on tinder but i think you can hide it where like other people can't see and i'm not it might be where you you know don't want to hide any part of you but like if you are getting guys that are like thinking that you know what if i hook up with them then maybe they'll bring another woman around or like they're they're bisexual they're slutty like they they like to have threesomes yeah me and i think if it's about like wanting to make sure that this person's like not a bigot which again you can't like can't really tell but or they're a safe

person keep your pronouns I think that yes filters the same the people who are going to self-filter out I think will self-filter out with that I have to say with love I think I would take your college off of here I think most people most of them have college on there like well I think your location is hard because your location is like I could like I could see you having the same issue as the person who was like why do people it feels like on dating app people just think i'm a good time oh yes i see what you mean now i just it had to scroll back up yeah yeah so i think your location is tough i also think your job is tough like i think these there's a specific like i'm telling you right now there's a specific type of dude who is like immediately going to like

what they're gonna see is they're gonna they're gonna be like this is somebody that likes to take charged but it's also a party that's what it's saying and i know like these are both things are very admirable things like hell yeah for your job totally but i'm just like it it may be attracting a certain type of man and you can tell people like after you get to know them a little bit like what you do but yeah it's just you're in you're in a tough dating scene like i don't know like i think every woman talk like this dating scene is it's regarded as being like tough and I think like your bio and like what you write yourself is like the antithesis to the stereotype of your college plus where you live plus the job all together I don't think the guys are looking at

that I think they're looking at the bullet points of job location school and not looking at your bio because to me that's immediate easy banter like if i saw a bio with this person i swipe right i would immediately like i would have something to say that has a really good kickoff point for banter so i don't think that that's i don't think any of the things you've put in yourself are an issue like the pictures or there's nothing like sexual about your picture so i don't know why and you say you have changed it but so that tells me it's just there's subtext that people are reading into yeah and also because they have to keep scrolling yeah so i would remove that saying that you're someone who texts back quickly not that that's an issue that you're facing right

now but that kind of it gives men an expectation you know i mean makes them feel important and when dating straight men you need to make them feel less important yeah but i okay i'm gonna be honest i genuinely think the reason why the banter stuff it's like or like the sexual stuff is not going past that i think it's just a perception thing i really think it's just that i would change the prompt from the hottest thing you can do and i would add on to give people an opportunity as like a call and response sort of a thing so like you have like my weird but true story is and then you can say that i would like say the thing that you have on there by the way it better be funny or fun like because you want people it needs to be like an open door for

someone to ask you a question about to start the banter because i do think a lot of people are really great at banter but like the profiles they're they're not good at starting it they need someone to like hit the ball first and they can rally back and forth back and forth back and forth but kind of got to get them an opener so I think like having something that's like an open-ended question of being like you know my weird but true story is you have yours and then be like you know I'll tell you about it over our first date or like ask me about it like something that like gives an opportunity for that and then I would change the hottest thing you can do is I I just think in general if you are looking for anything remotely if you're not if it's not just

like looking to fuck that night I don't think your profile should be over have anything that like a man could even perceive as overly sexual because men will take nothing and turn it sexual but I I think it doesn't it doesn't give an opportunity like it's just kind of like flirty and cheeky which is like perfect for a text message but I don't think it gives people an opportunity to like say something back to that it's not really a jumping off point I feel like tinder is more of a hookup app i don't know maybe it's changed but tinder has a reputation of being more of the hookup app and then hinge is more of the long-term relationship app so that might also be something to think about too yeah and i know that like i mean tinder is like for gay men tinder

is a dating app because grinder is the hookup app so i don't know if like you know it's like when we said before when someone doesn't use was it would we say they didn't use tinder for friends and all the lesbians were like no no you do or was it tinder yeah and we were like sorry sorry i don't remember our straight was showing dating app whatever it was and we were like there's not that's not a thing everyone's like no it is in fact a thing and i was like oh okay our bad not gay thank you for educating us but like you asking for our opinion as straight women and if you are if the people that you are talking to are most often in this are straight men that you're looking for advice on tinder is perceived as the more of a definitely more of a hookup app and i also would

say that photo wise you need a fun photo like you need a conversation sparking photo um and i have that whole thing in my what's it called in my book what's it called my fucking book but like you want a photo in there i think that again gives someone the opportunity to respond to like say something to it so like you looking I made a friend of mine change hers to a photo of her eating chicken wings and she's like covered in barbecue sauce and she was like I this is so embarrassing like no and I was like put it I promise you in the sense of being like when you just have just photos of you looking pretty and like you have a couple like prompts or whatever some guys are not always like very creative and so like giving someone where it's like an easy way for them to start a conversation

or ask a question i think that's just like a great way to to do it and like even a photo of you like making a funny face like just something that's like silly and it's like not about being pretty because you look pretty in the first five fucking photos the sixth photo doesn't go oh of course this person's crazy looking but like for a long time you would see people who would always do like the dog fucking snapchat filter and shit don't do anything like that but like do something that is like fun or funny a lot of times in la you will see people who like it's them with like the most random celebrity ever and like people can be oh my god how did you meet them or you know whatever or even sometimes i think like a screenshot is funny like a like a screenshot

of like your favorite tweet like something that is just breaks up the monotony of like just the photos and the prompts yep it's like the setup of a joke like you have it you have to give someone you've you've to set it up and i think like we could want someone to be like really great right off the start like no prompting but like straight men like they don't they don't have to learn how to do that they're not scrappy like that all right uh we're gonna take a break when we get back we'll get into giving more advice In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025.

Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at cadillaccanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for Calendar Year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. And we're back. It's time for us to give some advice. Hey, Meg and Melissa, I broke up with my boyfriend two months ago. I am 36, she, her, and he was the same age. We were together for five years. And one day I just woke up, looked at him and I was like, I don't really see this thing going anywhere else.

I think I was just comfortable in our relationship and didn't realize that it ended a long time ago. Then Aaron came along. 38 he him. I met him on Hinge. I wasn't looking for anything serious. I just wanted to practice dating again as bad as that sounds. But I was in a relationship for so long that I didn't really know what to do or how to act. Aaron is amazing and I accidentally fell in really strong like with him. But I feel like after being in a relationship for so long, I shouldn't be jumping directly into a new relationship. But I could actually see myself having a future with him do you guys think it is too early for me to jump into a serious relationship so but when did this happen because you broke up two months ago yeah it was within

these two months no but like has it been a week or was it one month and three and a half weeks i think it's way too soon to be thinking about a serious relationship but i don't see like you can't date Aaron and date other people and then when you're with these other people you're like you know what I still like Aaron because I don't want you to be just like the first nice guy that you like that comes along you're like okay I'm feeling these exciting things this is what I was missing in my old relationship but it just could be those sparks from something new when you've only been with the same person. Well, I don't know if you were monogamous, but I'm assuming that you are. You've only been with the same person for the last five years. So if you're comfortable

with it, because some people don't like dating multiple people, but I would say, you know, date some other people along with Aaron and he might win out in the end, or you might realize it's just that sparkly new thing that's making me feel new tinglys that I thought were gone a long time ago yeah I don't mean to offend at this question does Aaron want a serious relationship with you because I will say that I do think someone who is ready to hop into a new serious relationship with someone who literally just like to like fresh out of an old relationship to me it's a red flag on both ends like it's a red it's it's not a good call when you are the one who has just ended the relationship hopping into a new one before you're ready I also don't

think it is a good like if i had a friend who was being like yeah so this person like they just gotta have a serious relationship but like you know i think we're ready like to hop i'd be like what the fuck are you doing like you know i think it's but i'm not saying it's like a villainous red flag it's not like malicious on either of your ends but like i do think it's a bad call and a bad judgment call for both of you i don't think it's a good call to get into a relationship with someone who has just had a big long serious thing i think you should be more careful with your heart than that and I also think that you should be more conscientious of the timeline for you but I understand getting caught up in the feelings on both ends I just think it's a bad call all around

and I think if someone is reassuring you like if you're expressing like you know I'm concerned about like you know the and if he's like no no it's so fine it's okay that to me becomes a little more of a malicious red flag the same way I think it would be if he was really hesitant about it and you were like, no, everything's fine. Cause we all know that like, you're still processing this and you're still, this is, this is really fresh and new. And I think timing, timing is everything. Like, you know, you, you buy milk from the grocery store and it is within a perfectly fine window to be sold. Then you have the window of when you can have it at your house. And then the milk that was once fine suddenly becomes like a curdled moldy, disgusting mess. But like, just because it worked

at one point. No, you have to pay attention, I think, just to the timing because you can ruin perfectly good things and things that might have been successful before. And this to me is like is like buying a gallon and a half of milk on expiration day. Like it's just it's kind of doomed from the start. If it really is as like faded and as perfect as it should be, you will have a healthier and better relationship if you put a pin in it and live your life, heal and then come back with like clear eyes a fresh viewpoint and a fresh stance and like a lot more life experience and like growth from the relationship ending i i just think you'd be a better partner otherwise you have to go through like the growing pains and like learning curves of ending this long-term relationship

while in a new one yeah sure it might work out but like it's gonna be a hell of a lot harder and it's gonna be much more of an uphill battle but i would suggest maybe getting off the dating apps with love go to a go out and hook up with someone you don't need a dating app to get laid you know all right next one i'm megan and melissa i'm 22 she her i've been secretly with my boyfriend who is my gay best friend's cousin slash roommate for a year and a half well it's not that secret everyone close to me knows about it except my parents the problem is they're extremely religious and my boyfriend is not someone they'd want me to settle down with. He's 24, works a boring corporate job, but he's never stepped foot in a church.

He doesn't not believe in God, but has never sought a relationship with him either. He's a good person, but he drinks and smokes, weed, not cigarettes, gross. And of course we've had sex, but my parents still think I'm a virgin. My boyfriend is far from my first though. Love it. my college graduation is in June and he's going to be there and they will too it will be easy to introduce them because my best friend is graduating at the same time so I can just introduce my boyfriend as my friend's cousin however after graduation I am planning on moving in with them

my parents don't know that my boyfriend lives in the place too do I keep lying to my parents who are financially supporting me because I don't have a job lined up if they knew I was a heathen then they'd for sure cut me off i think this is uh easy i mean are there levels to heathens yeah so i guess my question is like would you be a heathen beyond repenting like here's the thing in actual christianity as it should be yeah yes okay but probably not but if they are this type of can't even smoke drink it's not like he they could find out later and then he could come to church and everything would be fine they could it could be but i don't i don't think the boyfriend wants to though fair point yeah like that that could but then they'd be like you need to marry

him right now and he needs to convert no this is so new to me this is yes that's high-key crazy yeah you're 20 fucking two for me like for my level of christianity all this that you're saying is acceptable these are not sins yeah but it just depends on where you are are they very um conservative it seems like it yeah i say you just keep milking them for what they have until you get a job and then you can be you know you can tell them the truth yeah like i guess my question is like can you do that or are they the kind of people who are going to cut you off forever like because you did a bad thing quote unquote in their mind you did a bad devilish thing in your past but it won't really be the past because she's going to be living with

him she's moving in with him no i mean if she gets a job and has money and is able then to be like hey mom and dad we're actually dating and you know he's he's not a christian not just dating we live together yeah and like you know i'm with him and i understand that like this goes against everything for you but like i am financially independent and like you know because of that like i'm doing my thing are they the kind of parents who are going to be like well you know you are financially independent there's nothing i can do like hopefully one day he'll come to church with us or are they going to be like you're going to burn in hell forever you're dead to us never speak to us again yeah because i do think there's a big question between those two things

and here's the thing if it's the latter there's like no way you're going to be able to like live your life unless you find this good christian perfect boy which doesn't exist no exactly and also like it doesn't sound like you align with like all of that and like you will meet you will butt heads on other things then even if you can like manage like keep all these things like secret in private and they never find out and like all of that stuff eventually if you fundamentally disagree on like a good amount of things with your parents specifically about like conservatism and like your religion it will show up another way and I think in general as someone who is not religious was not raised religious I think that there is you know I obviously would want to support

whoever i'm in a relationship with with all of this kind of stuff but for me i would not feel comfortable dating someone who had family in a really high demand religion that they were living outside of and that i was also a part of like the tabooness because like it just puts strain on the relationship point blank like because if that becomes a representation of rebellion of uh defying your parents of right and wrong and all of that and like i'm not saying you signed up for it because i'm assuming this was the religion you were raised in but your boyfriend also didn't sign up for that so but it also seems like you're um making your parents believe that you're still very much in line with what their beliefs are and but those aren't your beliefs

yeah and especially for like the virgin thing not in a religious way you know i've had experiences like with this but i'm i guess i'm curious about like is it because do they expect for you to tell them or do they expect that you will only have sex when you get married or is it like are they like interrogating you about are they are we getting to the level of are they asking about your hymen being intact which is not legitimate it's like the what at what scale are you lying are we omitting the truth or are we creating an entirely different false narrative and like false persona like are you wearing different clothes that are like not just like the same clothes you'd wear babysitting where you're like oh more family appropriate like are you you know having to

like swap decor in your door like how much of this is it hiding versus like overtly lying because I do think the issue is then your relationship with your parents, not the romantic relationship you're in. Yeah. And it's hard to do. But I will also say he's in a relationship with you and he knows this about you.

For me, I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone for a year and a half who was in a high demand religion lying to their parents and I'm a part of that. But he's more okay with that than I would be. So I do think that I don't want you to take what i'm saying is like oh he's not cool with it but it's just that it comes with a lot but also they know that your best friend is gay and they're okay with you living with him so maybe they aren't

as oh do they because why else would it be okay for them to know that she's living with him because oh is is is the the gay cousin a boy i just assumed that because like why else would it matter for to mention that they were gay oh good point good point wow very good point i would have never caught that yeah no that's a really great point like how much of this is like i don't know bible school whatever whatever the i don't know what religion is but like whatever like how much of the conservative conservativeness has come from assumed expectations or like what you've like what you were told or preached or like the church or the religious um building what that you go what are they called if it's not a church like if it's not christianity it could be a mosque or

no i know but with a religious i'm trying to do like a word that encompassing all of them yeah yeah so like whatever that is like how much of that is like assumed because let's say this is mormonism a lot of people learn mormonism through their like church and school and stuff and like some families are like heavily heavily teaching that but then like some people like go to fucking byu and then they realize that there are huge ridiculous insane fucking aspects of their religion that nobody told them about and so i do wonder like are you assuming your parents views align with like the church or the the place that they go the religious organization that they're affiliated with but yeah it's a really good point because if they're fine with gay roommate are they

fine with your gay roommate in a sense like you know i'll be praying for him as he burns in hell for all eternity or is it like i'm so happy he's not going to get you pregnant right or is it just like we're fine with him or is it they just ignore it and they've just said that but even with with i feel like with super conservative people if that's what they are then they wouldn't even be okay with you living with him and then they're also paying your rent because they'd be like the lifestyle might rub off on you or some shit like that and they also believe it's a choice and it's like maybe one day he'll wake up and want to fuck you yeah you know this is yeah i mean this is tough i think like if your plan is like i have zero my family and i are like

not aligned on anything like we really don't get along i'm like fundamentally against all this they like you know if it's like really bad emotionally if you're like i'm biding my time until i can be financially independent and then like i'm never gonna see these motherfuckers again then lie keep the money but like if there is even a small part of you that is like at all hesitant to that or like you do have a good relationship with them and you think that like this is the only thing in the way and you know it it doesn't feel like an entirely lost cause and you see them in your life if you want to have kids eventually or like if you get married do you see them at your like what is it because like oh well i can't see them because they'll be so upset but it's like do you

want them there like the like is it not just like a hypothetical idea of what your parents could be versus like you know at the end of the day are they going to show up for you like are the end of the day are they are they there are they going to be there for you and I think like if the answer is is like no then I think yeah keep lying if the answer is yes you have to be honest at a certain at a certain point and if they can forgive it okay but I don't know maybe I kind of on the camp of just like keep lying because even in general that's exactly where I am I think no matter what the biggest risk is them not for is them like drawing a hard line in the sand and being like this fundamentally bad and I would rather you have that with financial independence

and you've already been lying about other things so you know me sometimes I'm pro a little lie you're pro a big lie well yeah if we're on the same side all right we're gonna take a break when we get back we'll get to the next one we are back and it's time for the next one hi megan and melissa i hope you are both doing well i she her 24 aquarius have been dating my boyfriend he him 25 leo for three years gotta love that leo aquarius duo yeah i will leo like the different story also the same thing with Aquarius man I can't stand Aquarius man and also Michael B Jordan well of course because he's my husband but we can't talk about him get in line now we have our second fight which is you and that

fucking pickle sandwich we have great communication have never fought and have been living in our house together for one and a half years I feel comfortable asking him about everything except for one specific topic he had one girlfriend before me that he dated for three and a half years I don't know much about the relationship outside of her being mentally abusive she treated him terribly for most of their relationship and he felt trapped. He eventually found out that she was cheating on him and that was the final straw for him to leave. Everything surrounding her is a sore subject for him and he gets visibly upset whenever he is reminded of her. My issue is that I'm incredibly nosy and I want to know about his experience with her. I'm aware that I'm not

entitled to know this information and I'm fine with never knowing anything if that's how he wants it to be. I only worry sometimes that I might do something that will remind him of her. He has been my first everything so I can't imagine what it would be like to be in an abusive relationship. at one point he mentioned that she had taken advantage of him sexually since i don't know specifically what happened i'm afraid i will do something during sex that will remind him of the experience i asked him once if he was afraid that i would turn out like her but he said he wasn't my question is do you have any advice on how to approach this topic with him or should i just let it be thanks oh my god i need you to actually dial it back 300 fucking degrees like six months ago

my eyes started jumping out of the sockets during those last few words um i don't think that this is your intention I will say if I had told somebody that I was in like a mentally abusive relationship and these were like the follow-up like this I would feel really uneasy like this is not I think in general even using the term nosy I think is like deeply insensitive in this circumstance I think it's you're allowed to be nosy about intimate personal private and like sensitive things when you don't know the person you can use the term nosy because like it's acknowledging this is an inappropriate feeling that I am having to this stranger and therefore I can still call it nosy because like in my brain can rationalize it because they are a stranger

your partner someone you love like I would never refer to like a friend of mine if they had gone through something horrible but like didn't give more details on that I would never be like I'm so nosy nosy just like nosy to me implies distance like this is a this is not someone you are close to because or it's like a joking situation and nothing you totally gave us was a joking situation no i i just think that like being nosy is like wanting to is like enjoying someone else's drama because you don't have to enjoy that you don't have to like experience that person's pain or that like emotion but when you're in a relationship you do like you feel their you feel their emotions and their pain um i disrespectfully needed you to drop this like months ago like i don't know

why you're still on this i think this is like deeply inappropriate i also think i'm gonna go out on a massive limb here and this could be like a totally fucking wrong and me being way too kind of giving you the benefit of the doubt here i don't know if you deal with anxiety or intrusive thoughts or obsessive thoughts but like worrying that you are going to also he was sexually taken advantage of and worrying that you were going to do something that reminds him of that like if that's like if that is something like oh i having because like intrusive thoughts are things you do not want to do that you are worried that you will that you will somehow do despite the that you don't want to do it at all and i think that's something that like yeah i would without

a doubt address that with a mental health professional if you are finding yourself like obsessing over obsessing over these things and feeling like you need all of the information in order to act accordingly because like that's it's like confirmation and ocd like you need i need to know that this is so then i can do this this and this and it actually you get all the confirmation it doesn't change anything you will still have those feelings you will still have those thoughts but if it's none of that aspect i just find that like deeply invalidating to him because like there's no misunderstanding and being taken advantage of sexually and if it is his responsibility to tell you things that like could come up that would trigger him but also sometimes like things

come up that are triggers that we don't recognize like we didn't know we're going to be triggers and then you have that conversation right then and there exactly yeah like i've been in a situation with a man that was deeply uncomfortable and nothing that any partner that i've been with has done anything to trigger and i'm speaking from my own specific situation and it may be totally different with the next person you ask but nothing that any partner i've been with did anything where it triggered that thought because it was the intention behind what that person was doing yep and when the intention is you know to be consensual and to be in a loving relationship then it's not the same it the feelings just aren't the same yeah because that's like

comparing sexual assault to sex like wouldn't that just remind and it's like but they're not they're not they're not the same one's an act of power like of asserting a power and control and like the other is is not and so in the same way like and this is like to like a lesser degree but in the same area where like a man that I actually like can say something that could like could say something like nice tits yeah and I love that but then a man that I want nothing to do with can say it and yeah and it's absolutely disgusting your boyfriend saying it versus your boss saying yes like it's it's it so matters the person and if there is something that is a trigger and you it he will tell like he'll he'll tell he would have told you and it may be to the point if

it does happen then he may not tell you but there will be a physical or some type of reaction and He may not tell you in the moment, but he could tell you later that, hey, I just something just didn't feel right there. Yeah. And I don't feel comfortable with this. Like you are asking for him to give you like a play by play so you can know what to avoid. You want to re-traumatize him. But also like if he had something to tell you to like, please avoid doing this or saying this or whatever. He and he knows that he would have verbalized that to you.

And then that like once it doesn't mean that like there isn't things that could happen or come up. like there's like and this is like not sexual related at all but like there is a very fucking innocuous not even like a nickname but like a term of endearment that like i don't know how long like probably like five years into our relationship like matt said to me and i like whipped my head around i said oh no please don't say that and he was like oh sorry i didn't know and i was like i actually didn't know until this moment either that like you've never called me that and like when that has been called to me before was not a term of endearment like it had a uh a vitriol behind it and had a really gross intention and i'd already said before there's like a certain

other word that i was like i don't like i don't like being called that even as a joke i don't like being called this because it's that and i was like oh i didn't even realize that this was the other one that went along with it and he was like oh okay cool won't do it and it was like it was not the same intention whatsoever totally different person but i would have never i didn't on the top of my head, I didn't know that. I didn't realize that that one bothered me because it never came up. The other one I'd already said ahead of time, being like, hey, this is one thing that I know, would love to tell you ahead of time, don't like being called this, even as a joke. And then the other one, we just, we move on from that. But if he had said like, well, is there

anything else? I wouldn't have known in that moment. But also you've been with him for three years. At this point, why are you still so quote unquote, using your term nosy about this? You've been with him for three years why is that still nagging you i have to say if the roles were reversed if this is a straight man writing in about his girlfriend i'm worried like i'm i'm like i'm objectively worried because this feels like you are like really really into this trauma of his and like really wanting to rehash it and like wanting to talk about it and like wanting to watch him be re-traumatized and re-experience this and like you want like wanting to visual wanting to know exactly what happened and wanting to visualize it and all of that and so for me

that's a really hard pill for me to swallow that that's just how you feel which is why my mind's like hey do you deal with intrusive like is this like an obsessive thing that like you don't want to be doing but if this is like the use of the word nosy to me really really like just exit like exit major so leave this alone and if you can't leave this alone then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you yeah then leave him alone because this is like super not fair and if you keep saying like oh i can talk to him about like anything then you have to fight yeah then you have to assume that he would feel the same way and like that he you would be able to trust him that if something came up or something made him feel uncomfortable that he would say that to you

he would tell you again it's been three years yeah why can't you get this out your head to the point where you want him to relive the bad thing that he's been through yeah an obsession with like wanting to prevent any sort of conflict in a relationship will be a detriment to the relationship and you can't say like oh we're great at like you know we don't fight we all of those things is it because you've been hyper vigilant about all of these kinds of things because you will never be able to predict and prevent and shift everything about how you act in relationship things you say and things you do in order to be the most like palatable non-triggering like that's just not how we as humans work conflict you have to also have conflict and get over conflict to be

in a healthy relationship so yeah this feels concerning all right we're gonna take another break and we get back we'll get into don't blame them when west chat first took flight in 1996 the vibes were a bit different people thought denim on denim was peak fashion inline skates were everywhere and two out of three women rocked the rachel while those things stayed in the 90s one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when west jet welcomes you on board here's to west jetting since 96 travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years we're back and it's time for a don't blame them and a don't blame them is where a listener calls

in with their own advice on a previous call we had on an episode but also they could email instead they might have personal experience maybe we had a call about hr complaining and this person's like hey i work in hr or the person is like hey i also fucking hate hr here's my story about hr or something to that accord should i add a little more on so they could also maybe say like it's about friendships and it's like hey one time i had a friend who did that thing that like your friend did to you and like it was really bad and like let me tell you about it and like here's how get through it maybe it's about dating and relationships and it's like oh i did this kind of person maybe they were a russian oligarch from a from a big big gasoline big energy family and

it's like well how do i how do i do this and you're like oh i actually dated the son of and ron um thank you so much do you follow that comedian named morgan i can't think of his last name but he does a lot of um crowd work autotune yes i saw him with a baby where he was trying to yeah just yeah by the way i have been doing that shit for like ever like that was like my my friends and i like early high school middle school like you know this i have to say for the fucking puritanical virginal gen z okay show me your funny content you're making where you're sitting at home not going to parties and not having sex that's fine i also had that phase but you and i was making stupid fucking music with my friends stupid fucking sketches my friends i

was making creativity what are you doing drinking raw milk talk about clean girl aesthetic i really sound like it remember when you used to like be like i'm on the cusp now you're just firmly in millennial territory i am except the issue is is that you're not on the cusp no no but also but the issue is i've said this before the generations are too big so my issue is is that all the millennial content that like when i try and engage because i want to get the gen z stuff off my page it's all 80s millennial and i go i am not here for it it's like hilarious to me because like jamila and mecca are younger than you and they like they talk about the same things that i talk about i think it was the tv divide no tv is the biggest issue that's why no listen it's always

been the always has been the issue because specifically in terms of like content they're true customers i always related more to like my friends younger siblings because that was when they started being able to watch tv was when i was you know what i mean like i wasn't i wasn't watching that shit until i i wasn't yeah i wasn't watching until i became friends with people who had tv which was middle school that's the issue is i didn't have tv and my friends didn't have tv until i'm 12 years old that's crazy yeah i learned what the pussycat dolls were when i was 12 years old and then very quickly i was doing the as seen on tv or what is it uh the dvr loosen up your buttons chair dance in one calendar year well then that was one of the i guess that does add up

that was one of the songs um that i but i feel like that song came hold on maybe it wasn't buttons but it was pussy that was no that's that you were on you were at the right time with loosen up my buttons because that was one of the songs that i was doing when i came off my sorority that was one of my line songs so it would have been that yeah you were there you were fresh for that thank you fresh for that okay all right here we go hi i just wanted to call in for don't blame them sorry i think i'm a couple weeks behind but this is for the episode boyfriend is too vanilla for the caller asking about audiobooks now more than ever it is really important for us to support our local libraries i know that megan and melissa

mentioned the libby service that you can get with your library card libby is amazing and what i use the most but there are a ton of different services that i just wanted to name quickly so that you could check with your local library to see if they have access to them. Specifically for audiobooks, there's also Overdrive, who I believe either owns Libby or is maybe the same service, just under a different name in some areas. But there's also Hoopla and Cloud Library. And just for anyone else, those services usually also provide music, television, film streaming. You can also stream independent films, foreign, classic films through Canopy.

And if you're really into magazines, there's a service called Flipster. and also you can get up-to-date newspapers like the New York Times and the Washington Post through your library without the paid wall. That will be a physical copy or through one of those e-services. Usually your library card will come with a pamphlet, but it's always best to ask your librarian. If you have a way to play physical media, you can also just go old school and check out books on tape. I know some people are concerned that they won't be able to access new releases quickly enough through their library. So if there is a small local bookstore that you support, ask if they sell audiobooks through Libro FM.

That's basically just Indie Audible. And if I do have some time left, I'll just mention that authors often do exclusive interviews for audiobook versions. So if you have a favorite author, look to see if they have any of those. And like I think Megan said, celebs do audiobooks all the time, but specifically classics free recordings. those are a lot of fun and if you're into the fantasy or sci-fi space graphic audio productions are really phenomenal versions yep that's it bye i heard your accent and then i looked at your area code i see you there was an accent there was definitely an accent on that oh i'm completely immune to it you're like that's so funny well it would make sense if i didn't clock it

whatsoever you don't even hear an accent at all no but is it where is it similar to where you were from an accent well um some people get told you talk like that no no no this person had a southern accent oh well thank you for the advice we do not support the new york times no no no but you may not know some people don't know yeah and specifically we do not we do not support them for like will i say that i love that motz subscribes to them full-time for the for the games and the recipes no will i understand that some people are like i just really love the games you know okay we can we can we can work our way out out of that but objectively please do not be going to them for like the objective news they're also coming for

the trans community for no reason insane and they have been and this has been like this is not like a brand new shit this has been over the course of the last like two years um and a little bit longer than that because we were covering it when i was doing yeah i was doing um that uh podcast called uh queerly and um they it was always talked about on this actually was a sister podcast but i can't remember the name of it but it was a that one was more serious queerly it was more of the pop culture one but i was producing both of them but um it was like talked about pretty much every episode and that was in 2021 yeah like a time like you know writers all of that stuff and like also with free press all of these things it's just they're not on the right side of like what you

want to be on and i just think in general like it's the same thing why i would not say i would say right now like please don't go to variety for unbiased reporting on rachel zegler like or monica barbara yeah yes or anyone on and also anybody who has said that like hey not a big fan of um genocide like it's just and it's not necessarily the entire publication in variety sense but like when you are platforming that and you are not platforming the other or you're like well, everyone deserves an equal voice. No, especially when you write in a very different tone and use very different words.

But also, a lot of it's like opinion pieces and not coming from actual journalists as well, but you position it in a way that looks like it's coming from journalists. Well, it'll be like, we actually need to hear all sides. So someone who's trans is going to come in here and talk about, you know, they're going to write an article about

why they deserve to not be dead. And we're actually going to have someone who's a transphobe come on and say why they think they should die. Huh? Not every side needs two opinions. Yeah, but in case you didn't know, some people don't know. Yeah. And just don't go, again, just not for the news.

Ideally, not for anything. But I know some of you bitches are addicted to Wordle. They, yeah, Wordle's one of them. But like yesterday, I got this ad for this really incredible looking chicken and rice recipe and then i clicked and it was the new york time and first of all they were asking me to pay so i wasn't gonna pay anyway but like it snuck in send it to me i'll screenshot that's like so he has the year-long subscription i'm screenshotting everything that we like great so send it to me that double eggs recipe i had a long time ago and i lost it best

devil egg recipe okay you have to be a little more specific than that because it's the new york times devil egg recipe like i haven't looked it up but i'm gonna tell you they have at least 150 double egg recipes. It's the one that has the most reviews? Yes. It's like the one that they're like known for. Okay. Okay. Now it makes me want to like think about all the different variations they're probably doing.

Okay. Well, we hope you all enjoyed this episode. Tune in tomorrow for Fisting Friday. Someone was taking it from a different end. If you'd like to see who that was, look at our Patreon.

Holy shit. okay she's selling it hey you're you're a saleswoman i'm right here to knock it and then on monday we'll have but am i wrong tuesday see you next tuesday wednesday listen to your very favorite episode thursday we'll be back here for another episode of don't blame me Goodbye. Bye. This is a Sister Sign production hosted by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions.

Post-production by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.