Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Starting Birth Control

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Update/Advice: Moving past a racist therapist (May 22, 2023) Boyfriend being jealous of guy friends Living with a partner for the first time Getting pranked Boyfriend using my instagram for his private time Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Email: [e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The 2026 Chevrolet Equinox, awarded the most dependable compact SUV in the U.S. by J.D. Power, is designed for your every day. And with available all-wheel drive, you can handle your to-do list with total confidence. Start your build at Chevrolet.ca. Details at JDPower.com. Hi! I've got those allergy eyes. you've been moseying around in the dirt so fair point fair point fair point yesterday i was are you allergic to dust and you were the one who put the connection where it's like bitch what do you think dust is and i was like whoa that's actually crazy i'd never thought about that before i like fucked up yesterday i did way too much and like i i literally said on my vlog because i was like

yesterday i was like well i could do something else but like mott's just left so like he won't yell at me for doing this and then i just that's the point i know you're either supposed to have mott's there or call me to put me on facetime i was lying in bed i could have been there virtually with you and then i would have been like it's time to go sit down and i think you do this on purpose because you don't want anyone telling you that no it's you're 100 correct and i I am I'm slowly learning that that's like not a good thing and I was like he's gonna come home by the time that it's like dark out so it'll be fine and I was like and he wasn't gonna work late and then he would be like I finished like watching um I think we watched like an episode of tv or

something we ate dinner he was like okay I'm gonna go work for a minute and I was like oh okay and then I was like okay Megan just it's dark he won't notice I hear the door shut and then I hear the door open very quickly and he goes you went a little ham and i was like sorry he's like we can't even fit all of this in like the green bins because i might have um pruned all like so much of the tree like i like ripped out all of this stuff my hand is so swollen i have bug bites all over it but like i can't fully shut my fingers here on the patreon you can see like it's just such an ordeal and then I like tore up some more dirt but I was like we're in such a good position for this weekend and he was like okay you can't do this anymore and I was like okay you're right

but to be fair as soon as it gets hot out I like actually can't do it like it's I can't even get lost in it that's not a to be fair statement Megan okay no you're right it's not to be fair luckily on the bright side now that it's gonna get once it starts getting like hot out I will not be able to even embark on starting these projects let alone getting lost this is not on the bright side i i just keep picturing you pinned under a wheelbarrow and no one being there i don't do that anymore that one i learned my lesson because i was like that that was dangerous and also there are times where i just started pruning from the seated position as well as using my giant shovel and I was too tired to go get the um short the small little shovel so I'm

using my giant like standing shovel while I'm sitting down which is funny you know that movement really accelerates your heart rate yeah I took my beta blockers I should know now when you don't answer me in text messages for two days I know what you're doing you're actually so right actually you know i should give you access to my rings you can you should give me access to your ring so i can just yell at you from the ring so yeah anyways what about you what's up what's new just recovering from the worst cramps i've had in months it took me out yesterday i was like i'm so glad that i have like minimum things to do today because i couldn't i physically couldn't yeah i went i slept most of the day and then got up and worked out with my trainer and then went back to

sleep that's impressive though yeah because i was like i'm not paying this it was too late drop my shoes they might hear those do you know the term when the other shoe drops comes from when people would come home from a long day of work and then they would like in new york where apartment buildings so deep they knew when the person was going to go to sleep because the other shoe would drop they would be wearing one shoe no because one shoe would drop and then the other would drop and that would mean that it's done oh okay because now the way that we use it it's like waiting for the other shoe to drop and it like takes months for the other what do i mean like it can i was like that's a weird time just wear one shoe but yeah no that's we've we've just run

with it yep that's interesting i heard it a long time ago it could be completely false it's nice to have the origin of a word that's not from something that you're like holy shit that's fucked up yeah but again i it might not even be true i just heard it one time and never fact checked it and that's okay and i i wholeheartedly support that and therefore that is a fact here all right well welcome to don't blame me it's a call and advice show i'm melissa diamond months that's megan the construction worker you can also refer to me as so we're going to answer calls read your dms and read your emails and give you some wonderful amazing life-changing advice so if you'd like to participate in an upcoming episode you can

leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message to meganpodcasts at gmail.com or you can slide into our dms for the audio version keep it under three minutes. For all the versions, you have the age and overhead price permission. But for the audio version, keep it under three minutes. Let us know your age, your pronouns, if you would like, and include as many details as possible. We do recommend that you like write it down, time it out, practice it a few times, and then just read it out loud on the voicemail. And for the written versions, keep it under 300 words. Also include your age as well as your pronouns, if you would like. And it is all anonymous. So in order for us to keep track of everybody and everything in it,

you can give people fake names um and yeah let us know if you're sensitive but we try and give the best possible advice that we can and we don't give like joke advice i know some podcasts are like joke advice we'll tell you if it's joke advice but we actually do want to help so the more details we have the better advice we can give and we don't give like bad advice not usually not at all anything else no that's it let's get into an update slash advice hi m&ms this is both an update and eating advice. So last year on episode stressed out over pride, I called using a TikTok voice filter about my racist therapist who had body shamed me and called me ugly for not wearing any makeup and then triggered my eating disorder even more. Well, the update is

I turned 26 in America and got kicked out of my parents insurance, which was something no one told me about until I went to see my therapist. But she wasn't the one who told me it was the receptionist who rudely said, you don't have insurance, we can't help you. So never going back there again. Now for the advice. Since that bitch traumatized me, how does one go back to therapy when they're now scared of therapists my old therapist like really ruined therapy for me but making me feel worse a lot worse actually that it ruined my mental health ruined my mental well-being and made me lose a lot of my interest but I want to go back because I've been feeling too anxious and other mental health things and now I have insurance again so how does one try to get back into therapy

when they're scared of therapists thank you I think we need to at the end of the day remember that therapists are people and people are flawed not all therapists are created equally I've been to therapists that I do not like and then therapists that I do like. And so I would try not to settle for the first therapist that you talk to. Talk to a few. A lot of them do free consultations

for the first time that you chat and just see who you actually vibe with. I don't want to call it bait, but it kind of is bait, but ask leading questions and see how they answer them and see if they answer them in a way that is offensive. And I think that will help you.

That therapist that you went to before is not all therapists. They're an asshole. And they probably shouldn't be practicing. And good luck. And I hope you find a good one. Yeah, I agree with all of that. We're both people who've had good therapists and bad therapists. And it is kind of just something you go through.

And I look at it now like I look at bad doctors. like anyone in a bad profession where i need to make the effort i put into it so fucking low so like i'm not going to go in for the first like we're going to have a phone call and i'm going to schedule at a time that's convenient for me i'm not going to schedule my whole day around it like all of those things like i'm going to go in with like a very low effort on my end because it can be really taxing when if it doesn't go well and i also think you should tell your like tell that like i have a very trepidatious relationship with therapy right now i know that i want it and i need it but i had a really bad experience because of x y and z and this is what they did

and this is how it made me feel so like i think going into it and telling them that as opposed to having them like guess to have it to succeed but to give them that where they're like oh i might not be the right therapist for you then but i agree with like the asking this questions that you can are comfortable hearing the answers to to weed them out very quickly and easily i don't think you need to build a trust with them to then find out they're like an asshole or a bigot i don't think it's rude whatsoever to figure that out ahead of time and yeah i mean i know i know people who like i know someone who's recently going to get a new therapist and they did like seven consultations like different ones like just different phone calls and then they did like two

with they like narrowed it down like okay i'll do another did a session with this therapist then the next week did a session with this therapist to kind of figure it out because it's hard like it's hard to find one that works even if you've had a plethora of amazing therapists and then you of one bad one it can be hard to kind of like get back on the horse there and i totally understand that and if i was seeking out therapy right now i would do it in such a different way than i did the first time because i didn't like my last therapist so i think knowing what you want is a really great way to get what you want because you can ask for that from them all right well hope that helps and we're going to take a break when we get back we'll get into

the new questions advice seekers and we're back and let's hop into it and i just want to say that this episode going forth is all about boyfriends. Ew. Ew. A boyfriend-themed episode. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I need

advice on how to resolve an issue with my boyfriend. I'm a 21-year-old female and my boyfriend, who we'll call Jack, is a 21 male. See him. I went to high school with Jack and we've been close friends ever since and recently admitted feelings for one another in January and began dating in March of this year. Since we

started dating, there's been a constant issue that I don't know how to resolve. It's the fact that he's not a fan of my only guy friend or if I speak to guys in general. My only other guy friend is a mutual friend of ours who we see often and we both have friends of opposite genders and we agreed in the beginning of our relationship that we weren't worried about each other's friends as long as we showed respect for our relationship and one another, which I moved up to and believe he has as well. When he brought up his frustrations about it, I understood and now have limited communication with our mutual friends. We've only called two or three times with each other if we need advice on college-related topics because we both are graduating soon and are looking into

grad school, and Jack doesn't know much about college and doesn't go. Jack is extremely frustrated that we make these calls. I always explain to him that I'm willing to help others, and if someone needs advice, I'm happy to help, and he seems to understand at the time, but then when it happens, he gets upset. Another time was when it was my last lab of the semester, and I sent Jack a Snapchat with my lab partner's leg in it, who is a male. Jack knew the whole semester that my lab partner was a male, but when I sent the Snapchat, he texted me a bunch saying how upset he was over it and that I did need to be sending him photos of my lab partner just to quote-unquote make him mad. I explained to him that I can't choose who my lab partners are. My intent wasn't to make him

upset, and I go to a STEM slash engineering university. Most of my classmates are male by default. He refuses to talk to me about the matter. My last example is how when we were out with friends in a bar or community event he gets upset when I talk to a guy unless it's his friend I'm a very outgoing person and social and so I'll have a conversation with anybody and when we go out we live in my college town so I end up having a lot of conversations with people and I've explained it many times that I find it rude not to come have a conversation with someone if they're trying to speak to me regardless of their gender and then I'm just being nice and outgoing he views it as me flirting with other people right in front of him and so I've toned

down my social aspects out of respect for him we've had many talks and explains how he has insecurities from past relationships but nothing i do seems to help i'm at a loss for what to do and i want this relationship to work out but i can't spend my life being anxious to talk to someone in fear of my boyfriend being upset with me and i'm a leo he's a cancer um if you have any advice um that would be great and feel free to be harsh thank you he's not a cancer this man is a fucking loser break up with this loser he has a problem he has an issue it's not your problem it's also not your problem to fix get out truly i all this tells me is that he was never your friend because this isn't like a oh we're good friends and then we like end up having he's he's been

waiting for this for you and now that he knows that like oh you are just friends with people that's just not okay that needs to be reserved solely for him jealousy is not something that is fixed within a relationship by like those two people together unless someone's actually disrespecting someone else but like jealousy to me is not coming from like a when we use it in these terms it's not coming from a rational place like jealousy it's like it's a negative nasty kind of emotion that's coming out of nowhere and so that is something that like people can go through jealous phases or whatever but they fix them on their own and before so then the next relationship they get into they don't have that issue it is not something that like you can sit down and have

a conversation with him about that he's going to be able to then fix it for that you can both fix it that you can settle and compromise and you can adjust whatever like no if you're not flirting and these are your friends no like it's it's it's the biggest fucking turn off ever and it is such a not even just like it is it a red flag it's like a red flag that says like warning yield worse shit coming up it's like a very bad omen for the rest of the relationship like it's just because it's it's it's irrational it's not based in anything and therefore if you're going to cater to that then you are going to be asked to cater to more ridiculous things that are not based in reason any like fact or things that are rational it's just going to be based on his whims and his

feelings so it's only going to get worse and i know you want this relationship to work out but why like why do you want this relationship to work out because this isn't going to change it's only going to get worse so do you still want this relationship to work out if you if you are like well this would be perfect if i just removed x y and z or this blah blah blah that is obviously not the same thing as like for him this relationship is perfect but like he just needs to change you so you have no guy friends you don't talk to men ever and it's like so then you being like well this relationship is perfect he just needs to not do this that is just as ridiculous of an ask as him asking you to not have any male friends or whatever like it's just not a fair ask because for

him it's not a fair ask to ask you of that because it's ridiculous and for you it's not a fair ask for you to ask of him because he's already being ridiculous like he's not going to just drop this in that way so he's coming across very young and very insecure and anyone who any time a fucking man throws like well my my in my past relationship i'm like genuinely shut the fuck up i there's someone who i talk shit on all the time i won't say their name here but i've said their name here before and this man used to blame everything you have to know who it is yeah this man used to blame everything on the fact like well and I was like you wouldn't understand like when I was like 13 I got my heart broken I'm like when you were 13 your balls hadn't even dropped yet like you are

a fully grown adult man and you're blaming treating other people like shit and having like these ridiculous expectations and being fucking awful on the fact that a girl you had a crush on when you were 13 had a crush on somebody else like shut the fuck up like I think it's one of the subtle ways the patriarchy like continues to flourish is getting in relationships and then as like a in a heterosexual relationship having the woman be like oh i can blame this other woman for fucking up this man as opposed to this man fucking himself up and then not wanting to heal from any of this and then i'm gonna be this girl he talks about in the next relationship when he tries to treat someone else like shit and uses our relationship as an excuse so like cut this man

off i think as someone who like pretty much exclusively dates people or dated people who like through friends like becoming friends for industries megan so no but like i've always been like if I'm dating dating someone that successfully worked out like we were friends first if they suddenly were not okay with like my friends of the opposite sex like I would have been like let's fucked up because we were friends

this whole and so our friendship meant nothing because now you're like well no no because clearly these people all have something for you and I'm like so you never had any interest in being my friend like that's not romantic to me at all like that makes me that gives me the ache and makes me annoyed so I hate this man yeah because anyone can be

jealous but it's when you take it to this extreme that makes it toxic yeah and like it's an insecurity it's a lack of trust like and you as a person on the receiving end should take this very seriously and not in the way of like changing your behavior when you're not doing anything wrong it's isolating behavior because he'll then have an issue with your female friends he'll then have an issue with your family he'll have an issue with whoever i'm also just fucking dying at him being upset i'm like this bitch works in stem like what do you think that's all she can talk to all men it's all like my sorry my god i shouldn't say that not all but like the vast majority and like beyond like people who are

getting hired again unfortunately vast majority men so like it dwindles out the women who work there going from college to professional and it's like oh my god and it's like well you shouldn't be working shut the fuck up no and what's he doing next call hey eminem i wrote this out and i'm reading it so i'm sorry if it sounds a bit robotic um here's a little bit of background i 26 she her and my partner 28 she him have been together for five years we were both sleep bloomers and we each other's first kiss. We also both grew up in a religion that did not approve of sex before marriage, and I was pretty sheltered growing up. As we are both deconstructing and moving away from the church, the furthest that we have gone physically is ham stuff. We have decided to

move in together at the end of the summer. I currently live with my parents, and he with his mom. We've talked and decided that we would like to wait to go all the way until we are in our own place. This is mostly because we are very rarely actually alone in either of our parents' houses, and I don't really want our first time to be well-apparented just down the hall. I know our situation is a little different and strange to people. Please don't judge too much. My question for you both is, do you have any opinions on forms of birth control? I'm really nervous about messing with my hormones just because of stories I've heard on TikTok.

I originally wanted to just track my cycle and ovulation carefully and use condoms, but I think my brand of undiagnosed ADHD and autism is way too overwhelmed by this idea, and I'm very scared I will mess this up. I don't like the idea of the daily pill because I'm scared I will forget. I've also heard of Nexplanon that goes in your arm, but I've heard that they can get lost in your arm, and that freaks me the hell out. I've heard horror stories about IUDs, wild amounts of pain and periods lasting for months at a time. My mom got the Dappo shot for years and loved it, but also people on TikTok say that it's awful. Honestly, I just need to get my insurance from work situated and then make an appointment with the doctor to see what they say, but I wanted to ask y'all for some opinions.

and three best friends are all asexual and don't take birth control so they are no help any advice would be great thanks so much love all the pod have a good day okay we got scared because we jumped the gun before hearing uh the part where you said and condoms yeah i we're so vehemently against cycle tracking because if anyone does not know cycle tracking is for when you want to have a baby just doing the opposite of that is not going to stop you from having a me like it's just like it's just not and like the remarketing of that is like fucking insane and most of it does come from religious organizations who are trying to get people to have more babies wow that scared the shit out of me cycle tracking and condoms great start great start i think it can

also be the finish like you don't have to go further but we're not doctors and i think it's important to talk to a doctor. The thing with birth control being bad for people, from what you heard, is that birth control is hormonal and people's hormones are different. So your body is going to react differently to different things. So you might get on a birth control where your body does not act in the same way that another person's. Me and Megan can be on the same birth control and our bodies will react completely differently. It's kind of like a trial and error with finding what works best for you. So it's very important to talk to a doctor about it and not just things on TikTok because it's not going to be specified for you. You can also be on birth

control for six months and it'd be great. And then the next six months, it's terrible. So again, having a doctor there to guide you through that is very important. Yeah, I agree with all of that. I think like the first thing I would ask yourself is like, what would you do if you happen to get pregnant? Because that would also factor into like, I think if you wouldn't want to have a baby right now, but you would be opposed to or you're not in this place where you would have access to terminate a pregnancy, I would make sure you are using two forms of birth control at all times. and i think cycle tracking for you might be like i think it can work for some people when you pair it with something else you pair it with condoms and you pair it with or you pair it with birth control pills like if you want to make it just these things are 99 effective when used exactly correctly you want to get or or like let's say like 97 effective and you want to get it closer to the 99 effective that's totally fine i would really look into cycle tracking i don't know and

don't want to like make an assumption because you're saying that you are a late bloomer and you both kind of grew up in more conservative religious environments that you're deconstructing how is your comfortability with your body because in order to cycle track like you're having to get up into your it's not just taking your temperature every morning it's not just like wearing a bracelet it's not doing all these kinds of things like you have to basically check your discharge your mucus all of those things to get a baseline of what your normal is and what's not and if you're not comfortable or you feel like a little awkward or a little odd about it, you might not be getting the most accurate results with that because you have to get the baseline to then see

how it changes throughout the month. So I am someone with ADHD who forgets things all of the time. Birth control pills have always worked for me. The thing that I recommend for anyone who's starting out is, especially if you're anxious, something that you can stop taking immediately. And the issue with an IUD or a shot or an implant or anything like that, if you're feeling really anxious, even if it's just in your head. And this is what my gynecologist said. She's like, even if there's like nothing wrong, but you get really anxious, it doesn't matter if nothing's wrong. You're going to start feeling like something's physically wrong. And like, then you're going to schedule appointment and like, you're going to spiral as opposed to being

like, I'm just going to stop taking these pills. And then they're out of mind. Then that's what it is. And then we're going to reassess. So I really recommend birth control pills. My gynecologist also said that she's got identical twins who can't take the same birth control. Like it's just how your body reacts to it hormone changes can be amazing like they can be really great I think there's like this whole thing on TikTok of like villainizing like fucking with your hormones no one like Melissa said no one's two hormone levels are the same and like we need them to you know level out like it can help so many different things so keeping track of like how you feel after everything but like I have a alarm on my phone for like when I take my birth

control if you find like a convenient time for you and I also said it so like it's I mine's late enough at night that even if I don't take it right when that alarm goes off even though I should I'm going to bed within the hour so I'm taking it because it's right next to my bedside table there and if you forget to take it one day then you don't have sex that day so I think that like especially with anxiety with the pill there are so many options there's so many different things you can take like I had one that like I'm on it consistently now. But I had like a seven month long period. And I was like, I like everything else about this pill. Like and I've gone through the gamut. I've like, yes, this one, no to this one, whatever. And I don't even have to go back

in for appointments. Like she'll just try something else. And finally, I was like, I like this one. She's like, okay, well, I'm going to increase this percentage of this dosage. It's the same pill. It's just this business. And it was like miraculous. Like it's amazing. Like birth control can be so wonderful and fantastic. And it doesn't have to be horrible. Another thing that she told me that was really helpful that people only talk about when they have a bad experience they don't talk about it when they love it they don't talk about when it's awesome and when it's good and i've really tried to like change that and like talk about how much i fucking love my birth control pills and how they've like saved my life and they're so wonderful and amazing

so when you see people talking about that just know that there is often an agenda that they are pushing and if it's not an intentional the the agenda they're pushing is is ignorance and then falling into the, you know, controlling bodies kind of discourse, not even really realizing that they are. This war on birth control has come from a lack of knowledge and information. And I also do think part of it to blame, I think, is the pushing of longer form birth controls of like IUDs, DepoShot, Nexplanon, all of that kind of stuff. It does kind of feel like there's not as much discourse that people are necessarily having with their doctors about it. And it can feel like you're being sold on something that you might not feel comfortable with. So right off the bat,

I told my doctor, hey, I'm only comfortable talking on birth control pills. And she's like, perfect. Cool. That's all we'll talk about. So having that conversation with your doctor, but setting yourself up for success in the sense that like, don't assume that you're not going to remember to take it every day. Try and take it every day. And if you're unable to take it every day, don't have sex and then figure out something else from there. But I don't think a more permanent solution when you have anxiety is going to be beneficial for your anxiety. and condoms are a great way all the time like i i'm a big believer in like if you're not sure if you're doing it perfectly right like just two forms of birth control especially

if you are not in a place where you have access to abortions all right uh we're gonna take another break i'm back and we're back hi megan melissa i love you guys i'm a libra in her 30s so Yeah, I'm sorry. Anyway, I've been seeing someone for two years, and we dated two years a long time ago. We amicably broke up because of college and long distance, but we reconnected recently, and we're still close. We have siblings that are friends. And recently we were catching up and one of his friends was on the phone with him, who used to be one of my older friends, older brothers. So I just wanted to check in and see how she was doing. So I asked if I could talk to him. When I took the phone, he started talking in an English accent, and I didn't want to be rude, so I never questioned it. And then when I finished the phone call, I turned to my boyfriend. I said, why does he have an English accent?

He said he doesn't. And it turns out his friend was playing a prank on me, and I was upset about it. My boyfriend says I need to get over it and that it's not a big deal. is just a joke but i think it's kind of humiliating and i need someone to tell me i'm not crazy so let me know what you think thanks bye i can't tell you to not be humiliated i can tell you you shouldn't be humiliated it's just not a good joke yeah like you're not crazy but i mean it's just it's not fun i mean as someone who did used to talk in a british accent for like a year just because why not i love to see people's reactions especially when i would

go out to eat in arkansas but to be fair my next door neighbors are british so possible i know british people it's just in the middle of arkansas um but i don't think you're crazy but i also just I don't think it's humiliating either like I don't think this is a big deal yeah I I agree with that I think what you might be confusing for humiliation is secondhand embarrassment for him like or her wait him or I don't know whoever was on the phone like that's super weird like it's just so weird there's no payoff or punt like or of the humor and like we're two girls who love a jokey joke like we love a hee hee ha ha and sometimes like things can be funny they can be humiliating or embarrassing to other people but they're still funny this is not that like

this is just like there's no point to this like it's just super weird so I honestly would just like drop it or I would like get them back and like do something else that's like a stupid prank but like to me this is just like oh you're just like not funny yeah you know so like when i just read the summary of this and not the full thing i was just like oh this is gonna be something that's terrible it's just it's a throwaway like it's not like they gave you a rat in a box yeah and called it a prank you're getting paid kind about it like yeah and i'm talking about um what's his name that played the joker but dead one method method acting no not dead one jared leto yeah i'm talking about jared leto that's what he did and then called it a prank and people were like

no this is weird this is just british accent whatever this is something my nephew would do and be like aha i got you and i'm like i know you're not okay okay yeah so i i i don't think that like and it didn't make you look bad at all like if anything i think like it's funny that you didn't say anything because like that makes them look down for like this is gonna be hilarious and it's like it's not though like it's just like cool okay thought you maybe had a madonna moment so i know you can't control what makes you like feel embarrassed or whatever but like i i do think that like unless you think that your boyfriend was like conspiring on the phone and be like oh this will be like so funny and like he knew you would feel like uncomfortable like you'd feel

uncomfortable with that like I don't think that there's if you're someone who tends to find like fault in what you do or whatever that like your reactions to things just put the focus on like that was so weird for them to do that not like oh well then they made me look weird because I reacted x y and z it's like no no they did that like that was weird of them like and it was just like not a funny joke yeah okay well next one dear melissa and megan love the pot i 22 female have been dating my boyfriend 25 mil for six months recently he mentioned that he masturbates to photos of me posted on my instagram this was said in passing during pillow talk however my instagram profile is modest so there aren't many photos of me also in most photos i am pictured

with friends. So the thought of him masturbating to these makes me uncomfortable. What if he conditions himself to associate pictures of my friends with him masturbating? After this conversation, I assume that he probably also masturbates to photos of other women on Instagram. So I checked his Instagram follows. He follows some porn stars and other women in public facing roles. Additionally, he follows some women whose accounts are personal and private, including two of his exes due to him being muslim he doesn't have any female friends just acquaintances i want to go through his phone to see his engagement with their accounts i have something that's going to sound really harsh and i don't know if you're going to take it in a positive way or a

negative way but i would say on the bright side i don't think you need to worry about the like pavlov's response association with photos of you with your friends because i don't think he's I think he was saying that to like you know because that sounds quote-unquote good like it sounds good to be like oh yeah I jack off your Instagram photos like what but your reaction being like what fucking photos would that be so like maybe lean in with that that it's like okay he's saying this to like be kind but at least for me I would prefer someone to say that and like not actually mean that then be like jacking off to photos of like me and my friends like at a birthday party wearing like pajama like long john pajamas where you're like what like odd are you just zooming

in on my pixelated face so i i mean i guess it's like what is your you haven't necessarily said what your issue is with this because at first it sounds like your issue is the fact that he associates your friends and you being with your friends and photos like to masturbating but then the issue is also that he's what his engagement is with porn stars or women who are public figures and then the exit so like what is like what what's the issue that you take with that and like that's not like to be accusatory or saying that like you can be fine with all of it it's just like what is the thing that bothers you is the thing that bothers you like the idea of him looking at any other women besides you and i think like that's a very like

normal feeling to have but it's something that like is not his responsibility unless you've created boundaries that are reasonable boundaries and he is disregarding those but if it's an insecurity thing that's not on him to make you feel better like he can or to fix your insecurities like he can say things to make you feel better he can like reassure you and all of that but like you have to put in the work to that but if you're like uncomfortable with him the kind of porn that he's watching or you have a conversation with him about that like that's totally fine you can have like a hard line of being like i'm not comfortable being with someone not like you can't watch this kind of porn but i'm not comfortable being with someone who is aroused by x y and z and that's

not kink shaming or whatever i'm not saying that like i think for me there are certain ones that would be very much a red flag that i would go i'm not cool with you watching barely legal porn like that's that's a deal breaker for me you know so like I think like figuring out what are you looking to get from this because wanting to go through his who he's engaging with and all that stuff because what would be the issue like what's what's the issue there I don't think I think if you think he's cheating on you or you think he's like if he's liking photos of his ex-girlfriend on Instagram you can say that you don't want him to do that but I do think as someone who's a big proponent of like going through people's phones if you need to what what are you trying to get

out of this because I do think that if you do that at this point I think you are completely weakening any argument or any stance that you have because I don't know that he's given you a reason to look through his phone and you know and like I'm a big believer in like don't don't show your hand and I think this is you're giving him the upper hand in this when this could really just be a conversation yeah I'm like what was the conversation around you said it was pillow talk but like what was the conversation about around i masturbate to your photos on instagram also he doesn't have any just like singular photos of you or photos with him that's odd and like who brought it up he brought it up and then him following porn star him following exes first like he may

not even realize he does or he just does and it doesn't matter to him or and then with the porn stars like they're working the content's there it's not like it's a secret you can see any well a lot of people's falls fall who they follow so like he knows that that's not a secret and then like what's your actual like Megan was saying what's your actual issue with this and if you're going through his phone I feel like there's more to it than what you're actually get the information that you're giving us that it's like either an insecurity or there are other things in your life where you're like, I just don't trust him. And prepare yourself if you're going to go through somebody's phone to know that you might find things that you don't want to find. And usually

if you're going looking for something, there's a reason. So you will find something that you don't want to find. So do what you need to do. But a lot of people watch porn. I feel like this is this might be our yearly porn we it's like once a year we have one uh episode where someone is bothered by their partner looking at porn we have no issue in it for ourselves there's certain types of porn but like we have no issue with our partners looking at porn so it's a thing for you if it's a deal breaker for you and it's a deal breaker that he's aware of then you know then y'all you'll have to decide if you actually want to be with him it breaks the deal the deal's off but if it's just like he might get off to these people okay so what yeah yeah there's this there's

this quote from that one of the girls who was on girls i think it's is it jima jim jim jim jim mine jemima i think there's an n right yeah i think it's her but she has an instagram story where someone was like asking a question about like how do you deal with like insecurities or something and she was like i fear we're thinking i fear we all might be thinking you might be thinking about yourself a little too much and how we can like insert ourselves into other people's narrative where like if he's looking at porn and this person is a blonde and i'm a brunette therefore he is not sexually attracted to me it's like it doesn't it it's not about you like there are certain things where it's like it's really easy to make the things that are about us

about us but if it's not coming up in your relationship and you're having to like seek it out like Melissa said there's probably something else going on that you're feeling like uncertain about and you're looking for confirmation or whatever but I think that like the only time I like we said the only time that we've got issues the porn is if it's the kind of porn and the when you're watching so like if you're choosing to engage with porn versus your partner then yeah that's that's not good if it's getting in the way of your life in a sense that like you're skipping out on your significant other's birthday dinner so you can jack off to a porn you've seen a hundred times like that's that becomes an issue but he needs to be aware

of your deal breakers and you also have to be aware of your deal breakers and like you know it's like Melissa said like it's not a secret that he follows these people and so if this was a deal break if this wasn't a deal breaker for you before why do you feel like it might be a deal breaker now like are you feeling you're not the relationship's not going where you want it to and is this feeling like this might be a symptom or this might be like something that is causing that or leading to that which usually is not that the case and you might just be looking for justification to get out so like if you also just don't want to be in this relationship anymore and like your desires have changed what you want.

You're allowed to change your deal breakers. But the most you can do is tell someone that like, this is a deal breaker for me. So I'm out as opposed to being like, you need to change then. So I just, and also you going through his phone might be a deal breaker for him. So you might find nothing.

And then you're like, cool, all of my worries are gone. And he's like, you went through my phone, I'm done. So you just, you have to do that so wisely. You have to either like, it sounds toxic, but you either have to have such the upper hand in the sense that like you know exactly what you're looking for you're looking for proof of x y and z and so you can confront with that but otherwise like in any circumstance situation like you are breaching some level of trust and so if that's the first level of trust that's being breached like you are automatically in you're you're the

one who's going to be having to beg for forgiveness right so it's a risk all right that's the end of this episode thank y'all for listening thank you so much and if you want to watch the video version you can head on over to patreon we also do live streams there twice a month we play monopoly go together we have a great grand old time and it's so fun you can also support the show and all of the rest of our shows just by donating you don't have to join the live streams you don't have to watch the video version you can just be like hey i got money here you go we love what you're doing keep doing what you're doing and we also have more podcasts besides just this one so tomorrow you can listen to see you next tuesday and then we give you a little bit of a break on wednesday

and then thursday you can listen to but am i wrong and friday you can listen to fisting friday sorry that we're we're a little you've been you've been uh practice keeping up we're a little out of practice but also we're a little our schedule's a little off so i was trying to be like is what we've got one. You'll hear it on Friday. Anything else? No, that's it. Thank you. And we will talk to you tomorrow. Goodbye. Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson and music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.