Don't Blame Me! - DBM: Trying to Make a Toxic Relationship Work

Episode Date: May 27, 2024

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Comparing careers with your partner Constantly breaking up and getting back together Asking for time off for a vacation Not want to have kids with a partner that does Don't Blame Them: Feelings for your friends (5/20/2024) Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi, hello, welcome to a brand new episode of Don't Blame Me. Woo! This is a podcast where we, your two favorite people, give you wonderful, amazing, life-changing advice that, rumor has it, could change your life, hopefully for the better, and if it's for the worse, you definitely have to give us an update. And also, you can't blame us. It's in the title. Yeah.

Legally binding agreement. And that's why we named it that. So welcome to another episode. We're recording virtually and you might notice that someone's camera quality is accidentally better than the others. That's Melissa. And it's what you deserve after the day you've gone through. You can hear all about it on CU next Tuesday.

And that's tomorrow. So you have to wait. But come back. It's truly not that exciting. But you'll also hear about my Bridgerton takes, which apparently one of them is hot that we both share and i've been waiting i've been waiting she's been burning for me i burn for you so yeah i can't i can't i can't i can't i can't that's your little sneak peek um so yeah on this podcast we give you advice and you can call into the show

you can write into the show you can slide into our dms and then we can help you out so if you would like to participate in an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 six international listeners you can send us an audio message to meganpodcasts at gmail.com if you would like to email a submission written out that is the same email address and then you can slide into the dms over on our instagram account so for the audio versions you have three minutes if it's recording a voicemail you'll be cut off but if it's a voice memo we will then manually cut you off so we ask that you write everything down time it and like read it out loud a couple times to make sure you fall under that three minute mark we want for everything

for you to include your age your fake names and so it's all anonymous so you can create that for the people but if it's about a relationship how long you've been together if there is like deep-seated beef and drama you have to give us like a smattering of the beef you have to give us a sprinkling you can't just tell us that there's beef like give us a little bit of tell the story paint the picture so we can give you the best possible advice and you have to be h and over have your parents permission you can include your pronouns if you would like and then for the written versions it's all of those same things except instead of under three minutes it has to be under 300 words so just the best and most relevant information we get means we can give you the

best advice and yeah like you can let us know if you're sensitive we'll keep that in mind and we are also here to encourage both good and bad decisions so depending on what they are we can also be here to discourage both good and bad decisions so it just depends on the situation yeah just know that like you don't necessarily know what we're going to say or what we're going to feel but like sometimes we encourage the messiness so don't think you're going to call in and be like oh they're going to chastise me we might not we might we might surprise you and you can watch the video version on patreon i was just posing for you all so you could see it before we get into today's a whole write-in episode before we get into all the write-ins

i want to give everybody a little life hack that i just thought of um that i did yesterday if you would like a free meal using the door dash app i'm sure the other apps will actually use what might use it too but a lot of um restaurants they haven't taken pictures of the food that they need for the things and so i just went through i got sushi yesterday and i just ordered everything that was like if you take this picture then you can get three dollars so i got four different things and the next time i get some food i will have it paid for wait i've never heard of that that's crazy yeah so this was on doordash and it was some sushi restaurant that also was doing like happy hour too because i ordered around four and so they were doing happy hour so everything was

already cheaper than it usually is and so I just took pictures and um sent them in and then I get credits for it and the next time I get on DoorDash I'll have some I'll have $25 in credits that Melissa I think you actually undersold the life hack this is life changing this isn't like 10 minute crafts that's crazy the way I'm about to get into my whole photography that like I have to be like you don't even have my ring light you don't have to do all of that you can just take it on your phone most people aren't gonna have room lights out i'll show you wait that's so oh my god also ordering food but like i don't even know if i could order food without a picture i just you know i mean i was like it was it was sushi so like i know what it is can we talk about

how other finance influencers will tell you to stop getting starbucks and what most is doing is saying hey let me teach you how to fund your door dash habit and that's girl bossing that's women in stem it is so just get on look at the food and see what they need pictures of and just order from that oh my god you've changed lives today i'm glad i felt like it was a movement and i need to share it with the girlies oh my god wow everyone i'm so excited let us know what you order that's amazing damn i wish i had something for y'all i have nothing well you you bring your personality no i'm the personality i am the personality hire melissa's who keeps me afloat this afloat and i'm like i always say like i might influence other people but you are who

influences me that makes me feel real special i wrote it down i'm gonna tell mom sauce is gonna be stoked yeah well i wish i had like anything to catch people up on the one thing i would have to talk about is something we've talked about offline that i cannot talk about because it is so specific that it says where i live what i will say that day i also had the same thing happening but it only lasted for like 30 minutes yeah so and i didn't want to tell you because i was like mine is not as exciting as yours is yeah you just know that like the beta blockers were working over time and that was the first thing i asked you but uh yeah so just know that like sometimes like you go through things and like you want to tell

people and be like listen how crazy this is but you can't do it without revealing where you live so maybe when i move i'll be like i was supposed to be in the music video like it's gonna be that so um yeah but I think that's all I have should we hop into receiving no I was gonna say receiving the emails and doling out the advice yeah sure I don't know I took my Adderall a while ago do you want to read the first one I'm ready okay hi Megan and Melissa long-time listener first time quote-unquote caller writing in for don't blame me on behalf of me 23 she her and my boyfriend of almost two years 20 he him he helped me write this and is eager to hear your advice we're both dancers working professionally and he is one year off from finishing his training and becoming a

freelancer like me we did a relationship check-in recently and i discovered he feels uncomfortable talking to me about auditions and jobs because i make comparisons to my career often negatively quote unquote i'm not booking jobs i wish i booked that job etc naturally he feels unsupported like we're not celebrating him but also that i'm under appreciating my work which leads him to comforting me when we should be celebrating him i don't think i've done this often but we've both been struggling lately with our mental health and i've noticed an increase in this kind of talk from me and his tolerance for stress lower hence it coming up i don't think i've done this that often but regardless i feel offered that awful that he's felt this even once i'm a

competitive person who suffers from imposter syndrome so i've definitely been an asshole an arsehole on occasion and let my insecurities get the better of me when talking about jobs we're both going for i'm actively trying to improve my self-esteem and when i can't afford to go back to therapy and counseling but as he enters the professional world officially and our relationship progresses i'm worried this is going to come up more often we want to work on this together so let me know if you have any tips on how to navigate this as people working in the creative industry we are both sensitive so please be kind sensitive dan says i i love that one that y'all wrote this together it's like really cute yeah that's very cute so i'm guessing he also

listened since he was eager to hear advice as well and then two that y'all are having relationship check-ins like y'all seem like that age yeah like very uh well adjusted in that sense so kudos to both of you i can see that i know this is tough like because you're in the same industry i think that like it's great for you to be like oh i like i the fact that i've said this like makes you feel awful and made him feel this way feels like totally awful i would like try and move that like I don't think I've said it I don't think because it's not necessarily something that you would remember because if you're in a very negative headspace being negative is not memorable but like when you're being negative and it takes away from like someone else's shine or someone

else's excitement that will be memorable for them so I think kind of like taking away like well I don't think it's happened because like you said even if just even if it's just happened once like that's just not cool and I think that like it's healthy to have boundaries within your relationship in in general and like this might just be like a temporary boundary i don't know how often you're going out for like the same jobs and like if one of you books it the other one can't like do what i mean so like if i think about in the sense that like there are a couple actresses who i'm quite familiar with spending i've probably spent years at this point in total time added up in a casting waiting room together and i see the same people at every audit like we just we go out for the same

roles and I'm not close with them I'm not friends with those people because like it's just weird and then I have like people I know who like we got we've gone out for the same role and like we're so different and so it's like oh if they cast you it wasn't between you and me like we're so different it's like a totally different choice so I'm assuming that should be the same for both of you that it's not either one it's not one or the other like you are fulfilling totally different things and it just happens that he didn't take your place like someone else got this or whatever but it might just be that like hey i'm actually not at a point career wise or mental health wise where like i can really celebrate this or talk about this with you in that way and so i like he

can tell someone else and like go into all the details and you can just be like oh my god you booked that job like i'm so happy for you and it doesn't have to be like performing your happiness for him for an extended period of time. Because I think like, forcing yourself to do that is just engaging in like self pity. And then it's negating that like, I don't think I don't think it's achieving what both of you want it to achieve, which is he wants you to be happy for him. And like, if you're incapable of that right now, I don't think that makes you a bad person. It's very hard in the creative industry. And so I think there just needs to be a boundary. And that boundary is not permanent. Like there are people who like, even if we're not in the exact same,

we're not we're not the same type we're not going out for the same things there are people i've muted on instagram who are just like doing better than i am and i know that it has nothing to do with me and like there's nothing i could do to be in their position and like they also didn't do anything like spectacular to be in their position like it just happened and like we're all working just as hard there's just a level of timing and luck and like i then will i don't want to resent people who i know that this isn't done in malice to me but if i'm if i'm taking it so personally it's affecting my mental health i'm having a hard time separating this person from those feelings i have about myself so like i'm just gonna mute them for a while and like yeah i always unmute

them afterwards and like we're it's totally fine and like if someone did that to me or said that they did i would not feel offended by that at all so i think it's more unrealistic to ask your partner to be to have the capacity at all times to just be happy for you and to then not have it reflect on their work like at the same time like I think it'd be an ideal world like there are times when like someone's really excited about something or like especially in relationships someone's excited something and the other person's like having a really bad day and you're like this you know okay but like it's gonna happen in your life that's not your professional life too so like this it's just too it's just too hard I also think maybe this is like also me being like

superstitious I also think like talking about like booking a job or doing all of this kind of stuff like I always get worried about doing that until you until after you've done it and like maybe you're talking about it afterwards but I just think that a lot of times things don't go until they're actually going yeah and then it can feel like when you put so much pride on booking something and you're like oh my god this is amazing this is fantastic then you put so much of your validation in that external validation and then if it doesn't progress or it doesn't happen or it doesn't go that kind of way it's detrimental to to you as well and i think like i'm not necessarily a thing of like oh work hard in silence or like and like do all of that kind

of a thing but like i think there is something to be said about like not seeking external validation when like you've already you like not seeking that out as like what makes you happy from this and especially from someone who's not capable of giving it to you at that moment and also if you find that you cannot be happy for your partner do you find the same way that for your friends who are in this industry and like it's also okay to like be like i don't want to date someone who's doing the same thing that i i am doing i couldn't do that they have been together two years though um yeah no probably better than i am doing what they're doing i do know way more dancers who are with other dancers than actors who are with other actors agree i completely understand we we work in

such an entertainment as a whole it's such an industry of like emotions and a lot of things are it's not because you weren't good enough it's because like for this day this is what they were looking for, for this specific thing. And even though you probably outdance everybody there, you just didn't have, you might not have had the right look. Same thing goes with any part of this industry. You could like, for me, if I'm like pitching for something like to everyone else that has given me notes on this saying like, this is so good. It needs to be on TV. But those people that are in charge are like, we don't have space for that right now, but this is so good. Like keep trying. But like right now this isn't good. Like it has nothing to do with

me and my ability it's just that this is not what they want right now I am conscious because I think most most of my friends work in entertainment and I'm conscious of like if something good is happening for me not to let them in on something until like one it's actually going or like two making the first thing actually one is to make sure that they're in a place to hear what is happening to me because like if they have been like so burnt out on getting so many no's I'm not gonna share my excitement even though I want to share and I'm sure they would be excited for me too but like in the back of their mind it's like yeah but I've been going at this so long too what when's my chance coming and so like I'm super conscious of that but like just being like

anybody that works in anything like it's it's hard to when you're so excited about something to also share that with people that may not be like at a place where they can accept it for you and i get like like megan was saying um about like not telling people until things are going like for example this writing job that i've been i mean i wasn't even up for it i put in my resume made for another job and I put myself up for it and then I got like hey we're interested like I did that in February and then they're like we were interested in you for this other job was the actual job that I wanted and they told me that in April and then like I didn't hear back for I heard back like after I negotiated everything and then it was like the next person will be in

contact with you and then they weren't and I was just like I guess this isn't happening anymore and now I've told all these people and it's like embarrassing but I knew it had nothing to do with me but then luckily I I heard from them this week and so like things are moving forward now and so like it's just it's just like my emotions there were like so up and down that I was like now like I'm not I'd start like picturing things that I can do and like you know you put those things in your head and then when someone else is doing something that they're there that's actually going it's like yes i'm i'm excited for them but it's like here i am where i've told people that this thing is happening and then it's not actually happening and here and like i'm sad but now it's

happening and i'm excited yeah well and it's kind of like people don't really talk about what they don't get until they're faced with someone talking about all the things that they did get like there's not a lot of like checking in on people being like hey did you book that job and it's like no if I would have told you if I did and so like it's kind of like you're only really talking about the work when someone's doing it when someone's booking it and then then it's that's the kind of the only opportunity for people to talk about that they're not booking and I think that like it's hard in the freelance space because it doesn't feel like it should be the same as like quote-unquote regular jobs but it is because like would you tell your friend who

is unemployed that you just got a new job and you're so excited and it'd be like actually maybe they're not the first person i would tell you and so like it's hard in freelance because it's like well i mean it's then i'll be unemployed the next week and i was like but you know it's different because it's the same thing even like you get a call back you get like positive feedback whatever it is like you're not going to go to a friend who you know not getting that at that moment and also because people don't always say that they're not getting that you don't know unless they've told you that they're getting all this positive feedback they're getting callbacks assume they're not and so that makes it hard and like i just think that the tides will evidently

without it out shift so like try and put yourself in his shoes and he should put yourself in your shoes because at some point it will be that you are booking and he is not and what is what's what are we going to be cool with because we can't go back and forth of like well no this is what i expect when you're booking but this is not this is what i expect and i'm i'm booking and you might not have gotten to the place where it's kind of gone back and forth back and forth like that before and specifically because like you are so you're different it might lean more in one direction for a longer period of time and you might want to focus on specialties that you have that they don't have so you're not going out for things that feel like your direct competition even though

you know logically you are not direct competition like figuring that out so like maybe you're in a slightly different um circle or like a different a slightly different pool but knowing that like he's young in this and he's like starting out that like you have a lot you're a little bit more and i say this with love because i am the same way you're a little bit more jaded and he's a little bit more green and so knowing that he will get to the point where you are at eventually he just he will um it's also a lot easier for men in dance than women in general and knowing that like both of your like biggest successes and also potentially your like biggest letdowns have like yet to come but yeah to just not get not get so used to sharing everything with everyone

because eventually you will get to the point where you don't want those people to share everything with you but yeah it's it's it's hard because you want to be excited but also wait for the other shoe to drop you know and like there are things like i avoid things that i don't book like i avoid tv shows i avoid movies and all of that and like that's really hard when you're dating someone who's in that and so i think there also needs to be boundaries of like what you talk about and like the friends that you like what you what you do on your off time like if you spend all your time dancing you've got the same friend group and you are the same like work group and you all do that kind of stuff then it's like we we talk about what we're our work stuff and how our

auditions went at the end of the week on friday for one hour and then we don't talk about it for the rest of the time and we check in to see if we're okay yeah and i think that y'all can do that just based on what you told us about how you check in with each other as it is yeah and it doesn't mean that you're not interested or you're not being supportive or whatever like it's just a boundary that you need and like those are boundaries that like everyone in the industry has with friends and like it might not seem like that but like you you have to create that because it doesn't matter how happy you are for them it's just when it's in a such an unstable unreliable inconsistent in industry your confidence is the most important thing for you to maintain and if something is

derailing that then that needs to be a priority someone who's like succeeding and doing great they already have that confidence there and then at this point then it's like cool we need to protect your peace and your confidence so then we can both continue to book and do all of that so yeah but i i think you guys would do great because like you said there's great communication already going on all right well we're going to take a break and when we get back we'll get into the rest. And we're back and it's time for the next. Hi, Megan. Hi, Melissa. I am calling in and being completely transparent so please do not judge my relationship too heavily can't promise i am 26 i use she her pronouns i have been in an on and off again relationship

with my boyfriend for the last three years our relationship is toxic okay okay not in an abusive way whatsoever we just argue all the time then we make up usually with sex but we make up then we have good days sometimes even weeks before we are right back at it it's a ridiculous cycle we have tried to step away from each other numerous times only to wind up together again we love each other so much and we always are drawn back to each other we are currently on an off period where we are trying to date other people i have went on a few dates and i'm not happy with the guys all i do is compare the guys I'm dating to my boyfriend and I know that's not fair. I just do not know if going back to my boyfriend is a good option either. We still talk daily but keep our dating life

separate. It's all such a mess and I don't know what to do. I know I should probably take some time and be myself and be by myself but I just don't want to. I want my relationship back but I want to be healthy. How can we make it work? How can we get our relationship to where we have consistent good days i just want to be happy with him and he wants to be happy with me somehow we just can't get on the straight and narrow any advice would be greatly appreciated all right i think uh let me get back so i can see your face that tells half the story um i think that you need to if you want this to be healthy a healthy relationship maybe identify the things that you like about him that you love about him and then also identify the

things that y'all are arguing about and if those are things that y'all can fix and change and realize that I'm being selfish in this way or he's being selfish in that way and here's our middle ground then you know like figure out what the middle ground is so you're not arguing all the time but if y'all can't go days it seems like because you said even weeks like that was just like like a like a big thing like sometimes we can get weeks through but if y'all can't just go days through you might just be like fundamentally incompatible and this isn't you you're not able to enjoy these people that you're going on dates with because you're not actually broken up from him because you're still talking to him every day so let's say you're on your off period let's

that means you're actually off like you don't talk to him stop calling him your boyfriend yes and you still called him your boyfriend like don't talk to him do not call him your boyfriend go on these dates and keep an open mind and see and you're probably like blocking people that could be a good match because like going on a date to begin with is scary and you've already open that door so let's just try try to be more open-minded because this might not be the guy for you if y'all can't go a day without arguing like what are y'all arguing about what are these arguments like if it is it just like i left my keys in one place and then you thought but then they moved them and then like it's like that argument or i saw i don't know if you saw this

video on TikTok but this girl starts filming her boyfriend asking him like why he flicked this water at her and he's like I didn't flick you're just trying to get this for views like why are you doing this why are you saying that like we don't need clicks for views like can we just like not fight for once she had set up a separate camera and he didn't know it and on the second camera you can see that he's the one that threw the water at her and then she starts filming to prove it because he's been gaslighting her

and she's like I need to make sure that I'm the same God I love women I love this is why they won't let us run the country and so like if it's things like that where it's like stupid shit like throwing water and then gaslighting you into like making you think that

that's not what actually happened that relationship is way too toxic and you don't need to be in that relationship because people that are like master manipulators, they will make you love them for the time that you're with them, but then make you seem like these arguments you're having are so frivolous or like, it doesn't matter. We're just passionate about who we are together. And so that's why we argue all the time. No, there's a difference between like arguing and like banter, like bickering. There's a complete difference. And you yourself said that this was toxic.

so i'm not thinking that it's like little things that y'all are arguing about no i have the same questions who's getting in trouble who's the one who is being chastised who is the one who is getting yelled at who is the one who is doing the yelling who is the one who is arguing who is who's who's initiating it and like melissa it doesn't have to be like someone who's like calling someone out like oh that's not initiating the argument who's who starts a thing in this let's use that example who's flicking the water who's starting this my next question who is taking the break from the relationship who's instigating that who's instigating getting back together because i am willing to bet that it's the same person i'm willing to bet that whoever's instigating breaking

up is if it's going to be a romantic gesture it's going to be like oh let's get back and that's love bombing it's the back and forth the back and forth the gaslighting of like no and then like oh i miss you i promise i'll change and speaking of changing so what are you willing to change what are you willing to fundamentally change about yourself? And what is he fundamentally willing to change? Because are the arguments changing? Are you having the same arguments? Is there any progress moving forward? Is it a lack? Is it a communication issue? Is it a boundary issue? What are you doing besides taking these not real breaks to change the course and resolve these problems? Or are you just saying like, let's drop it and then like we'll move on and get past it? Because if you're arguing,

i've always said like if you're arguing about the same thing more than three times and it's coming from a place of both people wanting to understand each other and fundamentally being unable to resolve that issue that is time for a therapist because it is a matter of like two people who desperately want to make it work who are trying but have fundamentally usually different communication styles and like you might i i all the time i like have a hard i have a hard time sometimes understanding what people are saying if they're not being super literal and then other people sometimes i speak very literally will look into what i'm saying as not being literal and then like looking for something else and i'm like wait but i didn't say and i get

confused and so having a therapist can be very helpful there for that because you both have to want to change it and who would you say wants to change it more who would you say like it wants to do this more and at the end of the day like you can marry this person you can be with this person forever but you have to want to be with the person with who they are at today like you cannot join or start a relationship or stay in a relationship for the possibility of who they're going to end up being you have to make the choice and unfortunately like you're going to have to make the bed and lie in it if you want to stay in this relationship and like i'm not going to i mean this wholeheartedly i'm not going to judge you if you stay in a toxic relationship

I'm going to assume that you have weighed the pros and cons and for you it is worth it and if it's worth it that's your life that's your choice but it has to be worth it for what it is now it cannot be worth it for what you think it could be or it has the potential to be because you can't control that you can't make someone else do those things to end up there and I also don't think those same things should be asked of you like I don't think you should be at like someone should ask you to fundamentally change who you are to adapt to somebody else and it's just not uh it's not lasting and so i think for both of you saying that you just want to be together and you just want to be happy and i'm not talking in like mental health ways at all

but like in a relationship like you have to choose that you have to not only want that but you have to actively choose that and participate in making that happen and making that be a reality you can't just like wait for happiness to like wash over you in your relationship and like that's what people say when like a relationship is is work like you will take your you'll take your baggage from work home you'll take your baggage from your family or your friends or like the shit you're going through like it will come home with you you won't always be able to put it in a box but you have to want to do better and i think if your arguments are changing and you're not having the same argument twice and like then it might be like an issue of communication or boundaries or also i'm a big

proponent of like reflecting on individual issues that you might like might be having that might be making your fuse a lot shorter might be changing your temperament might be doing like whatever that is because like individual life problems can again seep into your relationship but you have to want to change that so sometimes it's not all like no matter what i think couple therapy is amazing but sometimes it also is like one person is going through something and that is affecting the relationship and until that person can work on that thing on their own within therapy or with a professional or whatever then it's not that it will clear up the relationship issues but then you have the space and capacity to work on the relationship issues in itself and so like we

all bring things in so i think like if you really want to make it work you have to put the time and the money into that and like if you're not at that place then you have to ask yourself like is this worth it am I happy like this like is this is this the future that I want and how many days am I happy but yeah I would love to know what you're arguing about because I think like Melissa said like bantering is totally different because I don't think you'd be breaking up on and off for three years if it wasn't like deeply hurtful and it wasn't it's not it's clearly not all in good fun or it's just like oh this is like how we are with each other but yeah i mean i i've always been a proponent of like taking like a break from dating like a year-long

break because you are not going to be attracted to other people because you are attracted to toxicity no matter how much you think you're not i've been there like and until i took like a year a year full year break no flirting no dating like didn't do any of that until i took a full year break from that it was until i was able to like examine like what why i was doing that like why i was seeking those patterns that i had like been modeled for me and like had i'd gone through previously and i was just doing the same thing being like oh my god why is this all ending up the same like this is so weird and random and crazy and bad so kate hudson just did an interview with color daddy but it was and she said that she like her therapist will do the same thing and she

was like it was suddenly like she stopped dating these like horrible people and then like she wasn't even attracted to them to start dating them and was like and then if she was with someone they did something like remotely something like it was like the biggest ick ever that she was like i'm out like zero tolerance for this and so like you've put up with a lot do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life right so i hope that that was not too hard to hear but just know i'm coming from a place of i understand the toxicity yeah it's not worth it all right next one hey my favorite ladies and i'm okay with ladies in that instance me too i'm a 28 year old female she her i graduated last weekend from college congratulations oh shout out class of

2024 we did it okay back to on the topic i was lucky enough to land my dream job right out of undergrad i paid for college myself i worked myself hard i took summer school every summer to make up for a few semesters of going part-time so i could work at the same time so i'm now coming up my first summer where i'm not in summer school and will actually have money of my own that doesn't have to go towards school so all my girlfriends are planning a girls trip in july i was actively planning on going and i paid my part and i bought my ticket what i didn't expect was to get hired at my job so quickly with such a quick start date i start on june 1st and my trip is the weekend of the 4th of july i'm terrified to ask for vacation time so quick after starting

everyone's telling me that's totally normal to request time off especially with a starting summer date i'm just not so sure do you guys have any advice on this is it okay to ask off so soon after starting leptopods first of all congratulations like you fucking you're an anomaly and then you yeah you got a job immediately that is wild and you worked your way through college you paid like you are don't let the republicans hear about you because they're gonna be like student law like look someone did it like no like you you i know that you bled yourself dry yeah i'm gonna say that i think that this vacation is really important i think you need it i think you need it too before starting your job usually start dates are flexible um i know you're starting in june like when in

june are you starting and if you tell them when you're when you get like your start paperwork um that you already had this time plan off they're usually fine about that like as long as you tell them in enough time and like like say before i accept this job i have this time i um had already scheduled this time off and they're usually fine about that especially if it's fourth of july weekend like the fourth is on a thursday yeah so yeah like would you are you taking that whole week off or are you taking but usually if the fourth is on a thursday you would usually just have that Friday off anyway I think you might even have that Thursday off yeah I mean 100% you probably already have the Thursday off so like if it's on July 4th July 4th is 4th of July you already have

that Thursday off usually they just you're just off on that Friday like they don't expect you to come back into work so you're probably fine that's what I meant that I don't think you're gonna have that Friday I think what you do though the best thing to do is just be like so excited because like you clearly just got your start paperwork for like starting june 1st like so excited i i would have said this in the interview i didn't realize how quickly like you guys would be ready for this position um i am going to be like out of town on assuming like again i'm assuming you would either live wednesday or thursday that's like one day and again when you have a three-day work week i promise you hardly anybody's doing anything nobody's working and so unless it's at

that point where it's like nobody's working they expect the newbie to be working or if it's retail or depending on like where like what that kind of thing is and so i think like if you it really depends on what the job is and like what what's being asked of you so i think like saying like i definitely like i'm so excited like really wanting to do this um i do have a and i don't say like i have a vacation just say like an engagement i have a prior engagement that from this day to this day but like i will be available by phone on this day and like can be available by email i it is it is so much different than if you were starting a job in november and you wanted to take the whole month of december off like it is just it's super different because again it depends on what the

job is but like unless you sell mattresses or fireworks like it's like not a booming time for lack of a better word uh fourth of july is not like a huge day where it's like oh no actually like we're swamped like it's just like it's not really that so i think to get ahead of it as quickly as possible is the the best thing to do and i honestly think they're just gonna be like oh like don't even worry about it like it is we're not going into the office i mean like it's that's fine so yeah i would tell them because i think it's a much better it look you look honest and you look like excited and responsible and communicative versus just taking a sick day that happens to be on a holiday weekend like that is like so much shadier and more fishy and no one's

really going to care that you're doing that but if you then just take a sick day everyone knows what you're doing and then it goes ah does that feels misleading so i think like the fact that you're thinking about this is like great and in future i know that like it's pretty debated like whether you tell people that you have like a time period where you can't work during the interview process i am not like a traditional nine to five girly i don't think anyone should have to do that because i do think it like makes you like well i'm not gonna hire you but i think like when you get your start paperwork or you accept the offer and like saying like oh i wouldn't be able to do these dates they can rescind the offer obviously um but i don't think you went about this wrong

like this is the time period i would assume is when you talk about these things yep it is you know because it's the same thing it's like when people are like i really wish people would disclose that they're pregnant during interviews like so you don't have to hire them no yeah but it's like people will talk about how like they're like they wish that it's like well then it's like oh someone got hired or a company that like suddenly is pregnant like didn't tell anybody and it's like okay and someone i saw someone on tiktok who started a new job was pregnant didn't know they were pregnant because they didn't find out until they were like 18 weeks was like maybe two weeks or something pregnant and was denied short-term disability because

it's a pre-existing condition because they were already pregnant when they worked there even though they had no idea crazy living yeah but congratulations and i hope you have so much fun and you need this vacation i promise you you need it yeah you've been working your ass off you need some time to decompress before you get i know you've had like your foot halfway into like the quote-unquote real world but like now you're about to go major and you get to keep all your money and don't have to pay college loans so that's great yeah that's fucking amazing and i hope you like make this a habit as much as possible because for a lot of people college is a break and if college is not able to like be a break for you like you need to incorporate those breaks

through adult life yep all right uh we're gonna take a break And we're back. Do we have one more? Yep. Okay. Hi, Eminem. I am 28 pronouns she, her. I have never been in a serious relationship.

This is my first one. Well, semi serious. I have always been very firm and not ever wanting to have kids. I have been in my current relationship for about eight months. We just started saying, I love you and all that jazz. Well, now he has started talking about marriage in a few years and starting a family marriage. I can see happening. I have never had an aversion to marriage kids though

I have no intention of starting a family. My question is do I have to tell him this it's early in the relationship I do not feel like I should have to come forward with this But on the flip side, what if we do get serious and then he finds out I held this back for so long Please let me know what you think. Thanks This is a deal breaker for you I don't know if it's a deal breaker for him having a relationship. I know that you're new to relationships and this is the first serious one that you've been in. But like, if you don't want to have children, then this isn't the person

for you. I would say in the future going forth, there should be something that you talk about very soon, maybe even on the first date. Yeah. If you want to have kids or not, because now you have seemingly wasted eight months of your life with someone that you love and there's no future for him for you if he wants to have children yeah i you being like i feel like it's soon i don't i shouldn't have to tell him this like oh my god yes you do you do you should have told him earlier you are so late on telling him this and i think like we view things as deal breakers for other people not deal breakers for ourselves and so then we withhold that information because we don't want it to be a deal breaker for someone else and it's like but it's your deal breaker it's not a matter

of like oh are they gonna dump me and it's like but you don't want this either it's not like well what happens when they find out that this is not what i want and it's like oh my god get in the fucking driver's seat you don't want this like this is a deal breaker for you and this like this is not it yeah no this is like you have to tell people and like i don't care what anyone's gender is or anyone's like genitalia or whatever but like so often we hear men not telling women that they don't want to have kids and women have their quote-unquote biological clock it is this it's the same thing you are wasting both of your time you are making it harder for you and like you're not interested in kids also like you have to have this conversation because sometimes people say

things that they don't necessarily want but they think that's what the other person wants to hear And so you need to have that open line of communication because also like things can change. And if you're going to withhold this information, it also means that you're going to be really stubborn and both of you are going to be very stubborn in your belief system because there is no communication about it. So like, going into our relationship, like I had always wanted to have, I always wanted to have kids. But I was always like, I don't know if I'm ever gonna meet someone I want to have kids with. Like, I love the idea of having kids, but like, I don't want to do it by myself. And like, I don't know, it, I would not do it with someone who I didn't feel like I could do it with, like that it would, I need someone to make me want to do that with them. and the older that we get like we've all we've always talked about we've always been on the same page and it's been like a hey if we can't have kids like what's gonna happen it's like we're gonna be totally happy just us like that's if we can't have kids that's totally fine and then also like matzah said so many times before because like i worry about like my health stuff of like i don't like having the energy and for any of those things i also worry about getting my period again and

like even just going through that process and he's like at any point you're like i don't think i want to do this anymore it's like that's fine but like you have to have that conversation initially so you can have those conversations so like but if and i mean that in the sense that like you might come to a point in time where you are you have a family member who has a kid who needs a they they need someone to foster them and they wanted to be in the family and if you've put up this hard wall that suddenly life happens and it might change your viewpoint of like i'm gonna take in my my niece or my nephew i'm gonna take in my cousin i'm gonna take in my little sibling for next couple months when you've made this something that is like so big that we don't even talk about

it it makes you be stubborn in a way that you might not even necessarily align with like you have to communicate it with other people in this and i think it's totally fine to not want kids but i do think withholding that information from someone makes me question like ask yourself why you're withholding that is it because like you think that it will be a deal breaker and then like so how do you foresee the relationship going do you like how do you foresee like getting out of having kids and like if that's something the other person wants or is it that like you think if you could be talked into it and at that point it's like okay so like work on your backbone like let's work on something else like there's got to be something here if you

just avoid it as a whole that not good it's just like not good at all and like yeah moving forward I think what like Melissa said like I think that is like a first couple dates thing I know that like I said I know that like you don't have that much experience but this is usually something people talk about pretty early on yeah even in my early 20s and I would like go out with someone and like I would ask like oh do you want to have kids and they big no I'm like oh okay I do that's gonna be casual because like you shouldn't fall in love with someone before you know that you're compatible so yeah and that your futures align all right well that's it for the regular show now it's time for don't blame them so don't blame them is where a listener will call in or write in

with their own experience based on something we talked about on a previous episode previous call so it might be that they have personal experience in like a professional sense it relates to their career or they have gone through a similar situation or they just have some insight that they would like to share. Hi, I'm calling in for Don't Blame Them for the episode Feelings for Friends. This is for the person that wants to tell their friend that they have feelings for them. So I called in a few years ago about a similar situation where I have feelings for my guy best friend and even though he wasn't getting engaged I still felt the need like I needed to tell him and Megan and Melissa gave me the similar advice of you know kind of stepping away from the

friendship for a little bit so to give you insight on how that conversation is set up or how I set up that conversation I think what really helped me was not making it a discussion I was very direct on what I was saying and what I wanted to do and letting him know that without giving him room to rebuttal. And I think that helps set boundaries for me and also for him. Also, mute them on social media. You don't have to unfollow them. You can use them. But this has really helped because it was kind of like an out of sight, out of mind type of thing. So I didn't see them on my feed as often. And that was actually really helpful, more helpful than I think I even realized. And to give you some encouragement. My friend and I are still friends. We still talk. We did not lose our

friendship, but obviously we don't talk as much now, but we still check in on each other from time to time. And I am now in a happy and healthy relationship for almost two years. So there is light at the end of the tunnel. Megan and Melissa's advice does work. So I highly recommend using it. I love that. Thank you. That's like the best person who could have called in and given advice about this because because i don't remember but as soon as as soon as i heard their voice i was like i know like i've heard this voice before but yeah the the muting thing and not seeing someone if no one's been to summer camp like it is camp goggles like you can have camp goggles anywhere and so the second that you disengage from like seeing them

at all times because it's kind of like a self-fulfilling prophecy it's like people talk about angel numbers where you're like oh you see 11 11 everywhere i'm like yeah because you're looking for it looking for it and so when you see him everywhere it becomes like a god like i just can't stop thinking about him it's like no it's because he's popping up on your feet all the time and you're clicking it so you're seeing him and all of that and so like so much of it it's kind of like the bachelor like so much of the infatuation and crush is manufactured by that that when you eliminate that and you get you get yourself off of the island you don't jump out of a plane with someone you're like whoa you leave camp you go i don't know how much i actually

really like you versus like i like you as a friend and then i like the idea of you but like when i separate that it's a lot easier for me to process my own feelings because like your face isn't just like popping up like rick astley memes like it's just like i i have a break from you and it's not like oh the universe is giving me a sign that you're always in my head it's like no social media is feeding me your content so yeah i think it's the hardest thing but it's like the best and like you can take apply that to like any sort of person that you are checking in on it can be like an enemy it can be like a friend it could be someone you're jealous of it can be a celebrity but like i've like been in that where like it's like a hole and like i have my therapist be like

have you tried to like just like not looking and i was like no and she goes well what do you think would happen if you didn't look and i was like i think i wouldn't think about it as much and like i am like mad and i want to think about it and she's like okay so like when you get tired of being mad know that you have the choice to like just not do that and like just see what happens see if you feel better and see if like you maybe you like the idea of this feeling more than you actually like the feeling and it can be like a crush it can be an obsession it can be like hating someone it can be jealousy or whatever when you've done it for so long it can feel comforting and it's like well i think i like it and then you stop doing it you go actually i fucking hated that and

until it was gone i didn't realize i hated that yep i mute people all the time yep and i'm just like okay it helps it does help a lot it helps a lot even people that i believe are my enemies uh a lot of times it's just one-sided they're not actually my enemies but it's just people i'm just like you're here and i don't like seeing you but like i can't unfollow you because of optics and things but i'm just gonna mute and makes my day a lot better sometimes you bring those things onto yourself yeah and the first time you do it the next time it makes it so much fucking easier and it's like you now have this like cheat code of like how to make yourself not like scowl when scrolling through your phone and it's like oh that was so fucking easy and they don't even know

it doesn't have to be like you said it's like a one-sided thing and it just makes yourself yourself feel better i promise so thank you for giving that advice like that was like you're the perfect person for this yeah thank you so much yay all right well that's the end of our episode we hope you all enjoyed and um we want to hear from you so give us a call write in for an upcoming episode it's everything i listed at the beginning and we also have all the information on our website and our show notes you can also join our patreon to support the show watch the video versions you can join our live streams we do twice a month you might be someone that we end up loving we get to know you and we love you we have such a great time it's awesome i also have said it

before but i really recommend it for people who are moving to like new cities because we i think that's like one of the biggest things a lot of people like will be like oh i just joined patreon because i just moved and like i don't know anyone here so you might meet people who are in your area or at least just like help with socializing and you meet people from all over we've we've got our irish girl up in here so ireland come on in roll in we're waiting and yeah it's a great time we also have a lot of other podcasts for you so tomorrow you go let's just see you next tuesday and then we have a break on wednesday then thursday we have but am i wrong where it's like the aftermath of this episode you didn't take our advice then we we rule with our iron gavel who we

think is wrong also pop culturey and then on friday we read the results from what you voted for in the prior episode of but am i wrong and i think that's everything that's everything okay All right. Well, we'll see you tomorrow. Bye. Bye. Don't Play Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa Demonts, plus Diamond Imprint Productions.

Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.