Don't Blame Me! - DBM: When To Have The Talk

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Change in appearance after having surgery Getting over a friendship/situationship breakup Can't afford to attending your friend's bridal activities When to talk about making things official Update: Handling a bad friendship breakup when you work together Buy Our Merch https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign Call In - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In - [e-mail] (300 words or less) Follow Us! instagram.com/meghanandmelisa @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at cadillaccanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac Definition of Luxury. Hello! Hi! Welcome to another episode of Don't Blame Me, a podcast where we give you wonderful,

amazing, life-changing advice. Advice that will change your life. now i want people to give us advice that will change our lives like tell me what's going to change my life one sentence and don't take a million dollars tell me something that like i can actually actively do i like that you know everyone feel free to write in yeah or tell us one thing that's changed your life can be that's not personal what do you mean like for us it's personal for them no like a small change that we could implement okay but if it's like win the lottery i can't control that and i also don't think that you can say from experience that this was great for you because like did you win the lottery and if you have i better see your name

on our patreon and i better see you handwriting in how much money you're giving us for a month okay charity support women in stem but that's not like a call out to charity but shout out to charity hope you're well hope the um well i actually don't want the weather it's like there now oh every time i just think of the weather i go is it warm enough for cherry to be on a yacht no i don't think so not yet it's not chilly here too it's like i'm shivering and the thing is having what the white hands the white feet yeah i um it was too hot and i was sweating under my tits and then i just turned it down a little bit to air and then i got too cold and i can't find a happy medium i will say well you actually switched rooms so i don't know about

this room your old the old room that we would record in there was never a happy medium no it is either you were like you're you're shaking full quiver full body shake freezing or you're stripping off your clothes sweating fanning yourself that's part of the reason why i made while i made that why i made that my bedroom now because now i can just be cold yeah you only need the extremes by the way there was a tornado yesterday in pico rivera i know that's what i was talking about earlier when you said that i thought you meant the last no there literally was one yesterday yes that's what i thought we were talking about no i had no idea and then when i ate lunch i opened that up and i said holy fucking shit i wonder if she knows and of course

i didn't make the connection of going clearly she knows that's what she was talking about you dipshit i saw this take that someone had but they were like you need to like and people i i know people here who have been guilty of saying that and i've been like and i'm sure i've been guilty of saying something where it's like why would people like live in a place where natural disasters like happen all the time and like in regards to hurricanes i've heard people who live in california say that and i want to be like with peace and love you do realize that we are the state that has the most natural disasters like above all anyone where are you gonna go where there's not a natural disaster that's my other fucking question so i looked it up

because this person was saying like they need to like just move and like leave or whatever and i was like genuinely where like and so i think michigan is one that they're like no i'm gonna tell you right now being surrounded by that much water is there and water and snow storms like that's not that's still one of the other ones i said was minnesota and i said okay are we not snow like my cousin went to i still have i have family that lives there but my cousin specifically went to University of Miss University of Michigan because my uncle he taught there and she talked about how one day she was walking to class drinking a coke and some of it spilled on her jacket and it just immediately froze and she just had to wipe it off like it's not that is not a

place that I want to just be out in the snow no but like I think people view like natural disaster the worst natural disasters as the ones that like don't happen in the place where they live so like for me i literally people who are like i could never do earthquakes and i go but you can do tsunamis like tsunamis or like my sisters are like i don't know how you live where there's earthquakes i'm like tornadoes touch down there all the time like it's it just is like well it's not that bad and i go but that's what we say about ours compared to yours but there's way more damage with tornado like i remember the when i went home the last time in the summertime time i was just driving down one of the main streets and i was like what the fuck happened

over here because there were so many just like the buildings had been knocked off and i was like what happened they're like oh a tornado came through here and i was like this is a main fucking street this isn't like in the country this is a main street that has so many just like office buildings and things and y'all are scared a little like a little little earth shaking a little bit this is way more scary and i will say when we get the big one you are all welcome to be like that was terrible i agree with you it is impending we know we as people who live here we talk about it all the time this was born and raised here i have my entire my entire life people have been going happening soon and whenever that happens you can say i don't want an earthquake

totally right now this can't be the thing that i'm most afraid of because we're no like until the big one comes but i like looked it up and like they were like you know it's better to be some people say it's better to be in coastal states better to be in landlocked and for me if i'm landlocked i'm afraid if i'm by the coast i'm afraid i don't think there's a safe place to be who's like delaware where it has the least amount i go delaware also has water i found out later they also have hurricanes there's no way that you can be like there are the least amount of things here but i'm like it might just be because it's a smaller surface area so less things have touched down there but it doesn't mean that like they're not passing through or it's not happening

it's just like also i do think it's also unfair because they say some of the states that have the worst are california florida and texas and i go i'm sorry it's not our fault we're big like there's a lot of we have a lot of not big but but florida's bigger than some of the east coast like yeah but like but but they're also surrounded by water on three sides and florida does not look like it's holding on no with a lot of security no when i think of florida i automatically think of that looney tune sketch when bugs just takes at night time acts a saw and just saws off the little handle and it falls into the water i think of the um what is it called like uh the end of the world and then they just like in florida like sinks into the ocean and then california breaks

off and hangs out with hawaii and alaska which would prefer that what do you mean hangs out with alaska and hawaii they're not even in the same area well it's a cartoon okay so like a map how it looks on the map yes no no we break off and then we all float together okay it's a comedy cartoon but yeah like the size of florida land area 65 000 square miles delaware less than 2000 and i go where is small no but when they're comparing it they're like like would you rather live in Delaware or Florida I go okay I hear you but again like say like you need to include like all the like Delaware Maine like include all that as the same because I'm like yeah if the eye of the hurricane didn't hit because it's a very small point like it's just not it's not fair it's not

feasible so anyways well we're gonna give you advice and our first advice is appreciate the national disasters that you have because the other ones always sound scary all right well how do they participate and ask for advice? Good question. You can call in and leave a voicemail at 310-694-0976. You can also leave an audio message and email that to meganpodcasts at gmail.com. And we also have a form where you can submit. That is linked like everywhere. Description also on podcast socials and stuff. And you can also send us a DM. So if you want to just write it in 300 words, you can also write into that same email address, 300 words but for all of them you'd be 18 or over or have your parents permission we do ask that you

include your actual age not just that you're over 18 it is all anonymous so use fake names you can let us know your pronouns if you would like but please give us as much information as possible because we want to give you the best of it so you can tell us if you're sensitive but we we can only hear the story about how you're painting it so just remember just because we might be hanging out with you in your car for multiple hours a week over the course of years this might be the first time you're calling and the first time we're hearing about this so also if you're like writing and you're like i can't get this under 300 words i implore you to look at the words that are you're using like if you're going let's call them this let's call them that that's taking up words just

put their name just give the name so and you can abbreviate instead of like years old you can just do the name princess 32 yeah so let's do it let's get in there i am a 32 year old female looking for your thoughts about having surgery that changes your appearance i've just had botox in my temporal mandibular joint tmj for the first time why did you just bust that out because i i know that i used to do this wrong and now it's a passion of mine a lot of people would be like i have really bad tmj and that just means the joint like you want you want to have it but you want to call it like temperament temporal mandibular joint disc like tmj dysfunction or tmj issues but i think if everyone says if i didn't say that here in my tmj for the first time

you know that's when people know what it stands for and i don't i had to flex on these hoes Yeah, but the thing is, you only flex to me because I can see that it says TMJ and no one else can see that. Yeah, but well, now you told them. That's what a best friend does. I make sure that you get the shine. You based me up and now I'm basket tossing it. Yes. Thank you for the first time. And the relief is insane. But this is step one in a process I could end up in me having biomexillary surgery. I think that's how you pronounce it. It's a big surgery

and I've researched medical slash recovery stuff about it. It's been recommended due to teeth, jaw, breathing issues, which are having a big impact for me. However, I'm aware it will also have a big impact on how I look.

I'm so unsure about how I feel about that. For anyone who doesn't know what biomex surgery is, you can look up the before and afters of someone like Matt Rife. Did he have it? Gross man, best thing

I can think of. I thought he had a jaw implant. He did, but he might tell people that's what he had. But Kelsey Darrah had this though. What I was going to say, The people I know who've had it, it's not a Matt Rife before and after. I've never hugely disliked my face.

I've also never loved it. And I realize most would consider this as a quote-unquote improvement that people get done for purely cosmetic reasons, which is cool. But I feel confused about the notion of changing my face. I'm not sure what my specific question is, but I would love to hear yours and anyone else's general thoughts slash experiences. If there's anything you wish you'd thought of before permanently changing your appearance. Thanks so much.

You guys are my favorite advice givers and have not led me wrong thus far. I mean, I don't think it's something you should like take lightly, but I, you know, I'm like of two minds of if you need something done medically, then the results of like how it makes you look aesthetically, whatever's impeding your, if it's impeding your life so much medically that it will improve the quality of your life tenfold. i think that the how it makes you like look or whatever changes to your appearance should be like minute compared to like how it how it improves the quality of your life like it should improve the quality of your life so much that even if like the aesthetic things are not your favorite that it's like water and it's like not even compared to how much better you don't even think about that because you're not worrying about all these other things and it's like been such a massive improvement, but you know, I mean, it's like a crazy surgery and

like, you know, if you need it, like go for it. I have been told by doctors that like, it's one of those ones that it's like, if you've exhausted every other option and you are in like excruciating pain all day, every day, and you're having to take like a pretty high dosage of pain medicine, which is not sustainable, then like, this is the next option. But like, it's gnarly. It's like a very brutal, brutal, intense surgery that like doesn't eliminate pain. Like a lot of people have really bad pain when like weather changes or like inflammation,

whatever that is. Like it really is like a last resort. But for some people, it can just be like massive improvement because it's kind of like, there's a very clear, obvious issue that's seemingly pretty seamless to fix. But I don't think that

you should the the considering the thoughts to your appearance are it's a smart thing to I do think it's a smart thing to do because like even getting my nose done I was I thought I was getting it done purely for aesthetic reasons until I found out it wasn't I couldn't really breathe and then it was like well okay this is I have to get this done as well but even when like you know you want something done for us like I remember like looking in the mirror at one point being like what the fuck did I do because like I can't really breathe you're like pretty out of it on pain meds for like and even the anesthesia it took like a week for it to leave my body I was like really out of it I was so swollen and like it just felt like forever like it felt like

there was no way I was gonna look like I was ever gonna feel better or look better and like that's like a daunting thing for something I signed up for the aesthetic aspects of it so I think like if it is like the only option it is like the most it will change everything and like there are very few negative outcomes and it's wonderful and great, then I think it's like you just have to be conscious of what it can do for your mental health. But besides that, like, I don't think you should ever value aesthetics over function in anything, whether that's like changing something to make something more functional or changing something to make something more like aesthetically pleasing. I think function should always be the priority. So if it is really what you need,

But I think if there are other options that don't require you to change your face and go through massive surgery, then I think that is where I would go. I was trying to find because Kelsey does look different than she from before she had hers. And I was trying to find her talking about it. But it seems like it all happened when she was working at BuzzFeed and they've taken the videos down. But I feel like she probably she would have had to talk about it. So I just it's something she talks about openly. So she's probably talking. She has a ton of podcast. she's probably talked about it on some podcasts so I would maybe look into that but I don't have any direct you know experience with this but that's not saying I wouldn't get like a surgery

like I want to get my eyes under my eyes done but I'm too scared of needles so I won't do it but maybe who knows you know like maybe in the future there might be something that that I'll do and I would get hypnotized and i'm not scared of needles anymore that one's also a lot of risks a pillar under your eye but there is that new one where they take like blood from somewhere else i was gonna say and then put it in those people it looks incredible but like yeah yep it looks incredible because i was like oh what's this and then i saw what went into it and i said absolutely not it's actually a lot more needles yes a bunch of needles yes but everybody that has that done it looks incredible oh yeah no i've seen and they even do that for um like uh more pitted acne

scarring stuff and i was like damn really fucking good but yeah i mean kelsey's also been open about like it not fixing everything and so like sometimes going to yeah like going through surgery to have it botched to have it not yeah to have their potential for being botched but also to have it not fix everything to have it like just create more problems like it's a really massive recovery to have that potential risk there and I think that's why doctors in general say it like really is a last it should be viewed as like a last last last resort because like if it gets like it getting worse isn't you know that that's not like the worst thing that could happen and like you're like I could get more surgeries and more surgeries more surgeries but you know I'm

sometimes like in it's controversial i'm sometimes a fan of the band-aid option because sometimes like fixing the wound can lead to a lot more it can lead to like let's say like an infection or not in this case but like using that metaphor leads to you're bleeding out there's an infection there's all these other things you're opening up a wound in that way versus like just keeping it covered and stopping the bleeding you know sometimes like people think well you're not getting to the root cause and it's like yeah but sometimes sometimes that's there's risk or even just effort put along with that that's like takes a toll on you physically or mentally so you know I also know someone who's gotten this done and was like it's the best thing I've ever

done and like it's so great they have they had zero I mean I don't know them anymore so like they might have had issues with it now but like you know it took them over it took them like almost two years to fully heal and they like loved it and it was great and it fixed everything and it was wonderful but they also were really looking forward to the aesthetic looks of it of it of it being different so I think it's less about like how to figure out how to be okay with it and more about why am I not okay with it and or like what's what's my personal hang-ups about it and does that change based on how much I need it like does that shift because I don't think you should ever have to talk yourself into a really massive surgery that takes a toll on you so but if anyone

else has had this like like personally had done this let us know because i also know i'm i'm kind of i i don't know if i'm in the minority of people who've been told that i would benefit from the surgery but like i don't i'm like not keen on pursuing it like whatsoever so that could just mean me being extremely risk adverse all right we're gonna take a break and we get back with some more get your tickets now for the dog stars it's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear go out there kill or be killed jacob alorti there are people out there they need our help

josh brolin shoot first and inquire afterwards margaret qualley okay tough guy and guy pierce arm up the dog stars directed by ridley scott in theaters friday get tickets now we are back and it's time for the next here we go hi eminem everyone in this story is 22 I, female, ended a five-year relationship with my male best friend over an edgy racist joke in his Tinder bio. I told him that kind of behavior is repulsive and a deal-breaker. He claimed it was ironic. After a week of silence, I asked if he wanted to talk. He didn't.

He said he was blindsided that I'd make such a radical decision over dumb shit from the internet instead of judging him by the person I know. he said he needed time to think which is not a sufficient answer so I think that's the end to be clear I don't regret anything I'm ashamed I didn't confront him sooner smaller signs were there and I ignored them but now I have to mourn this relationship which to be honest wasn't strictly platonic I do not know what to do with myself for the last couple of years we talked daily and met up weekly. He was the first person I told good news to and the one I leaned on when things were bad. We were both single the whole time, so it got quite relationshipy and not sustainable. I've never had a real boyfriend, just shorter flings and hookups. Next week is my 23rd

birthday and I was supposed to spend it with him. I have amazing girlfriends, but they all have boyfriends so i don't feel so close to them how do i move forward i'm a student doing two degrees simultaneously so i have very little free time living in a 98 white conservative country i understand the end of the close friendship i've been through it twice and one of them was because of them being a trump supporter so like i get that that person that you always call with that good news and you they're no longer there and I will say this in their cases distance and time did not make the heart grow fonder it actually made me dislike them more I think you just need time because the more you think about it especially in the way that this country is going and you

being surrounded by those people it's just gonna make things a lot easier for you it did for me and then as far as you saying you don't feel as close to your girl best friends because they are your girlfriends because they have boyfriends I don't think that should be in consideration I mean me and Megan are super close and she has a fiance and that doesn't keep us from being close like most of my friends are married or in long-term relationships and that doesn't keep us from being super close literally me and avia text all day she's been with her partner for 10 years like i just think that you need to focus on these other friendships and it will become more apparent that you can be closer to them it was just that you were spending so much time with him that it was

taking away the time that you had with these people your girlfriends and like also because you said things weren't strictly platonic i don't think this is just a friendship thing this is also you ending things with the guy that you had a crush on for a long time and so that's why it just feels harder i agree with all that i was gonna say i think the thing is that like i think a lot of times we can view specifically women in relationships with men as like centering men in their lives a lot of single people also center men in their lives and like it I think you really you you're creating this division and separation from you and your friends because like oh they have boyfriends and like you know I'm single but you had this guy who was filling that role for you

for a long period of time and I do think situationships or like complicated friendships I think those take require a hell of a lot more brain power than a like a committed relationship so I think like you need to give the you need to give your friends the opportunity to like be there for you and be close to you and I think if you've blurred the lines of friendship and romance I can understand why you don't feel as close to these people because you it was checking off two boxes like it is it was fulfilling in a way that a friendship is not supposed to be that and a relationship is also not supposed to be that like there needs to be a clear division in those things your partner can be one of your closest like should be one of the people you are closest to

they should not be the only person you're close to it shouldn't be like the only only only thing especially when that's not satisfying for you some people they don't need a lot of they don't need or want a lot of exterior like external relationships but you clearly do and so give people that opportunity to show up for you but yeah this is hard I it's obviously I haven't gone through this whatsoever and I'm also a white woman but like I've had friendships end over brought issues that are related to you know suffering and religion race different things that are played into it and I'm I'm not the target of the the things that people are saying of that but it's you know it's your ethics yeah it still fully goes against what I believe in like

my moral code and just like how i'm comfortable with not only me talking about other people but like the people i'm surrounded with like talking about other people in a certain way and there's also a little bit of like shame and embarrassment that comes from why didn't i see this sooner because like you said like there will be things of fuck what was that and like there are so many reasons it could be it could be in my case this was a thing that i have suffered with from very young age group in a very progressive place but part of that being growing up a progressive place is like they don't teach things that are wrong incorrect or racist but they don't tell you about the things that people are saying that are wrong incorrect and right like or things that like

I just wasn't privy to and so not knowing those things doesn't help you call out those things you can't call them out you can't notice you can't pick up on them and then learning a lot more about this I'm like oh there have been a lot of things that these people have said or done that I didn't know were dog whistles for this because I didn't know about this. I had no idea what this meant. So that was like a big part for me of like learning those things

to be able to call them out and catch them and have a better, just a better ability to do that. So I think there's probably a part of you that's not only feeling like an embarrassment and shame from like, you're putting the pieces together, but also like, how could I have romantic feelings for someone like this? And I think you need to just like remove the shame aspect because shame in general, like it's it's like the least productive emotion. It doesn't get you anywhere. It doesn't get you over something. It doesn't get you through something. There's no progress. It's a static stuck in the sand feeling. It doesn't move you any which way.

so I think like moving on from that is is giving yourself grace and if it helps you to separate why you ended this if it's just like we're no longer friends we're not this he's not a good person and making it about him and not about you and not about like why didn't I see this why didn't I do this why didn't I do this because you can take any of the things that you've learned from this into the next relationship you don't need to stew on it at this moment if it's not productive for you but i think like pursuing other friendships and placing value on those friendships the same way you did on situationships romantic or whatever if any of that and then like really making a conscious decision when you start dating to actually date to not flirt with a friend

to not like whatever to like meet someone on because i also wonder if did you i'm assuming you saw him on this dating app and like there might have been a part of you too that was like felt hurt and slighted that he was on a dating app but like creating that separation so you have time when you're hanging out with your friends and your friends being friends doing friend things and then when you're ready to date going out on a date with someone not just texting not just inviting them over not doing friendship things or situationship things like really creating a division in that because I think that would benefit you because I think you know like Melissa said you're mourning both the loss of a friendship and a relationship situationship kind of thing. And

I think that's what makes it a lot more complex. All right. Next one. I am a bridesmaid for my friend's upcoming wedding. I live one state away from her. That is either a 12 hour drive or a one and a half hour flight. When I was asked to be a bridesmaid, I told her upfront that I will not be able to attend all of the wedding events such as the kitchen tea, bridal shower, and the hens, but I will be at least at at least one of them. I also explained that having been a part of other brides bridal parties before it would be helpful to know what costs I should expect but I didn't get a concise answer. Myself and the other bridesmaids are now having a bit of trouble because it's looking like we're going to have to pay for everything including the hen's weekend

hosting the bridal shower flights accommodation dress hair makeup and specific shoes. I try to be as upfront as I can about finances and explain that at other weddings I've been happy to do my own hair and makeup, which brides haven't had an issue with, especially as they haven't specified specific hairstyles or looks that they wanted from the bridesmaids. Other members of the bridal party have had the same conversation, but the bride doesn't seem to understand that we cannot afford the entirety of what's required for this wedding. I'm happy to pay for basic things such as making sure I can get their accommodation in my dress. I've suggested I wear my heels that I've already previously worn, and my sister, who happens to be a bridal makeup artist, could do my

makeup is there any other way that can be suggested as how to broach the subject again i've already done the best i can and it's not only me that's in this situation the other bridesmaids are feeling a bit awkward too i don't want to feel like the bride is being ganged up on but i don't think she seems to appreciate that not only will the whole thing cost me around two thousand five hundred dollars but it's also a total of five days of annual leave for the pre-wedding events and the wedding itself am i being unreasonable how else do i go about this hell no you're not being unreasonable twenty five hundred dollars i would make a spreadsheet and put every line item of every single thing that you have to pay for and then also show the time that it takes for

everything um including travel and then send it to her and be like hey so i put together my own loose budget can you let me know if there's anything i need to add or subtract and then when she comes back and say i can't afford this that's how i'd handle it my fear is that she thinks that you guys are paying for her probably because to me this is like a delusional level of like money is fine and i'm like for who yeah because yeah i i just have a bad feeling that she thinks that this is all being covered for her too you know i think like if she's not giving you a telling you how much it will cost. I think I like Melissa's idea. And I think the other idea you could do is convene with the bridesmaids and be like, what can everybody pay? And you guys all

talk and then you let her know saying, I can spend this much. And you're actually you don't have to talk to other bridesmaids like you can talk to them or you cannot. But like, you can just say like, we can I can spend this much. This is I can spend X amount of money. So let me know. You know, based on what we're doing i clearly can't make it to everything and do everything because here's the thing if she wanted everyone to be there you have to make the price point accessible and like with everybody's budget you should be able to do everything if you want everyone there you can make sure everyone's there based on what you choose and decide to do if that's the most important thing to you and then be like so i won't be able to do everything like let me know what's

most important to you and i can be there for those things and that can be it or it can be like you want me to get my hair and makeup done and pay for that so like that's I won't be able to attend the pre-wedding stuff and I think like if she's mad she's she's allowed to be mad is she correct no you're correct but like everybody like I think it's really hard to rationalize with people who are being told constantly that this is the most important day of their life and like they are the center of the universe they start to believe it yeah i just i don't understand how people can be so delusional me neither and like i i also want like part of me wonders i'm like is it because like you haven't been on the other side or is it that like you feel like this is retribution

because you've been on the other side like i i have a really hard time understanding the bride perspective in these situations because like if i want like a really expensive vacation that's my problem right like then i go with people who can afford a really expensive vacation but like i'm able to provide for everybody to go because this at the end of the day this is my celebration yeah but it's like and if i want to do something where i want to spend time with my friends and some of my friends are broke then I'm covering the cost for that friend or I'm rain checking with that friend specifically or I'm doing something we can all afford like it's just like you can't have you can't say I want to have this extremely expensive luxurious experience

and I want everyone I love to be there and I want them to pay for it it's just you can't like so then diagram you have to like pick two pick two so I think she's being unreasonable but I think Like, I think I do, I take back what I said about talking to their bridesmaids first. I think, I don't think you should gang up on her. I don't think you should be like,

hey, we all talked and we can't afford this. I think it should be everyone's own individual responsibility because everyone should be able to advocate for themselves and being like, this is how much I can afford.

This is how much I can afford. This is how much I can afford. And then if she's the one planning this shit or if she has a maid of honor who's planning it, you let them know. But, you know,

if she's mad, she's mad. But it's like, it's, I promise you, it's just like so not worth it to spend the twenty five hundred dollars to prevent her from being mad because that doesn't guarantee your insurer everything goes smoothly and she's not gonna be mad about something else or the relationship is like foolproof the last few weddings i've been to they've always said hey i understand that this part is expensive or like i understand that i'm we're doing a lot you don't

have to you don't have to do everything i'd love to see you there but you don't have to be there even like even going on the actual bachelorette like there's options for what you want to opt into and what you don't want to do so like if she can't understand that that's on her and if you can't do it you can't do it and why should you go into debt and lose out on your actual vacation time to do something for somebody else and it won't be reciprocated no like i can't stress it just it won't it won't be and I do think sometimes the people who do these like really fucking insane asks of their bridal parties and stuff and really expensive they always end up being the people who have kids first and who can't can't even come to your wedding like send a gift

like but like rain check but like they they're on a different timeline and so it it never gets repaid in that same way which I'm not a fan of like a tit-for-tat kind of relationship but like I think if you're asking me to like bleed out for that and you're being like, I'd do the same for you. If you know that your timing wise means that you are never going to have to do the same for me because you're going to have a kid and it's going to be this, whatever. I think it's just a shitty friend move. Also, I would feel so much insane amount of guilt asking people to spend that much money when they've repeatedly told me that that's out of their budget. And a friend wouldn't ask you to go into debt for their wedding just because they're going to debt for their wedding doesn't

mean that everybody else needs to. I do think it's kind of like just the mindset of like they're dumping, they're throwing money away at this thing that's so fucking overpriced that I think in general, it makes other people feel better when other people are spending a fuck ton of money. It justifies it. But don't cave. Don't cave. And she needs to reevaluate what her priorities are. And I also don't have a I'm not a great judge because I quite literally would have been like, hi with love are you fucking insane like what i feel like if you can't say that to your friend that that i think it's crazy to ask someone to spend $2,500 that you couldn't feel comfortable saying that like i'd be like the fuck no like you have to be kidding me this is so much fucking

money and that's why i love my friendship with megan is because i don't have to gauge my own feelings before I have a conversation with her because there are other people that I know that I have to have a conversation with myself first because they take every little thing I say or do so personally like I'm coming to attack them I can't I can't stand like the I there's nothing more frustrating to me and I like have been in those but like where I have to write out what I'm going to say in the notes at first and I go let me edit this a bunch of times because i have to i have to really be careful about choosing my words i yeah it's i this dancing around a friend and it's like a ticking time bomb unfortunately like this is people really

fucking change when they i saw a thing on somebody made a tiktok i saw this like yesterday i think but they said funny how you spend all this time and money on bachelor parties and then a year from now you don't even talk to that person and everybody in the comments was like why is this such a universal experience well i also think like it's a really big ask to have people spend that kind of money and like people don't realize that that's a really big ask and they view the wedding as like you don't know how much i've sacrificed for this and it's like but this isn't for me like this is for you i did this big sacrifice for you and then it's it's never acknowledged in the in the friendship and like it's it's it's just kind of like you know whatever it is it is what it is

and yeah the resentment builds builds from that because it's like it's never acknowledged about like how much a sacrifice you made for a friend who then is not being a good friend and then you already have this resentment of being like not only you not being a good friend like you're not even recognize how recognizing how good of a friend I've been at all and it's just kind of like and again it's it's I think it a lot of it is happening I think right now in general more often because people aren't getting married as young so then the there it isn't back-to-back weddings and friend groups usually like it's usually like one person gets married first and then maybe there's a couple like later but like it's not it's not it's not like the

back-to-back-to-back weddings where it's like you scratch my back I scratch yours all of this and then also you're not having to like budget in the fact of like most people i know who are like really extravagant they weren't going to weddings they didn't they didn't have a lot of weddings to go to or they hadn't been even to a lot of weddings prior to that so it's not like they have to be like oh we have to budget within our own yearly budget not only our wedding but us going to five other weddings and i'm going to four other right like bachelorette parties like it doesn't it's usually not happening like that so you know they they don't realize what a sacrifice their friends have made but don't go i like can't stress that enough well like go to just the way yeah but do

like don't do all of this stuff because like if she cannot understand like the strain that this is putting on you it you're it you will and the friendship will end because like you you will feel so much resentment like valid valid resentment towards her all right we're gonna take another the break in Toronto every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this Cadillac optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025 find your rhythm across a seamless 33 inch display and an immersive 19 speaker AKG surround audio system this city demands agility and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac.

Find out more at cadillaccanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle total registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with

us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. We are back and it's time for the next. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I am a 24-year-old girl and I need help figuring out when and how to have the what are we talk with a guy I'm dating, who is also 24.

We met on Hinge and started talking in the middle of January, went on our first date the last week of January, and have been going out consistently on like a weekly basis ever since. Our first two dates lasted six hours each because we just really hit it off and were talking nonstop. I liked him much more than I expected to, considering I decided to start actually going out on dates at the beginning of the year after not dating much in college or post-grad, and mostly just to put myself out there and explore my new city. I moved halfway across the country here last August for grad school. Dating for sport didn't really pan out, though, because I only ended up going on one other first date before meeting him. and haven't really been talking to anyone else since, mostly because I'm busy with school and don't have the time or energy to do so. Although now I'm, you know, I like him and don't really

want to talk to anyone else. He has said some stuff that has vaguely hinted at him not seeing other people, i.e. at my birthday, which was the day after Valentine's, I joked about him not asking me to be his valentine and he said, well, who else would it be? But also he has updated his profile at least once since our first date, which I discovered when showing my friend his profile to show them who I'm dating. I'm at the point where I feel like I want something concrete, whether establishing that we're exclusive or that he's my boyfriend. I don't really see a difference between the two, but I'm just done being in limbo. And I don't know if it's too early to bring it up or even just how to do it. For more context, my last boyfriend was my senior

year of high school. And I don't think we ever had the what are we talk. He was just suddenly my boyfriend. And then the next most serious relationship with heavy air quotes I've been and since was that two-month situationship my junior year of college where he asked me to meet his parents and I didn't because that felt crazy early and then two weeks later he broke up with me over texting he wasn't ready for a relationship so I have no experience when it comes to figuring out if the conversation needs to be had or even just like how to start the conversation all together please help i deeply relate to the college story i was like what do you mean i'm the one being like let's take it slow and then suddenly you're like i don't have a brave really

i was like whoa i was by the way i was just kind of going through the motions being like i feel like it's like i still i wasn't into it but okay so let's do some math so first date was mid-january i don't know started talking mid-january and then last week of january was the first date and then since then you've been seeing each other at least once a week since so it's been not two months it's been like a month and a half not even that yet but yeah so if it's mid-january i would say you've been talking for two months maybe and you're 23 no 24 how does that make sense but we do need to know the ages i mean so i think that the what are we conversation should never happen in general I think it should always be this is what I would

this is what I want this is what I'm looking for not like hey what like because it the what are we implies that like both of you are trying to predict what the other one is wants that you think that they want you to say and like there's also a little bit of ego in there of like trying to like you know I don't want to look like if she's still seeing people I don't want to look like I'm like a loser simp or whatever like there's a lot of stuff tied up in it but I think like the time to do it is whenever you would feel uncomfortable if you found out he was seeing other people specifically would you feel uncomfortable you found out he was sleeping with other people and if you would be feeling comfortable at this point then yeah you need to set a boundary that

it's like this is what I'm interested in if you're not interested in this then like I need to dip but like I don't think there's a like quote-unquote perfect time but I think there is like a at least for me when I've been with like in like like whatever that like there is a timeline where like I would not feel comfortable sleeping with somebody else. And I would also not if I found out you were sleeping with someone else, that would hurt. And I think if you're at that place, then it's time to have the conversation. But if you're like, I just think I'm supposed to because we've been talking for a month. But like if I found out he was like sleeping with someone right now, I would that would be OK. I'm just like not I don't have the effort to pursue that.

then you know whatever but it sounds like you it sounds like you would be upset which is valid and so I think it's this is the time to not to ask them what you are but to be like hey I really like you I would love to like and the you know I think like be exclusive versus date versus boyfriend I think like the most adult mature way to do it is to eliminate the steps of like you know, we're closing off the relationship. Like where am I not? Like all of those things, whatever, to be like, I would like to be in a relationship with just you. I think you can just say something like that and be like, and if that's what you're interested in, like awesome. If not, that's also okay. But like, I just need to know at this point because like I

am invested and then it's a yes or no. It's like, it needs to be a yes or no. He doesn't get a third option because that just drags it along farther for you yeah i agree if he said after one after a couple dates you know who else would i ask i feel like that also your birthday's the day before mine i feel like that like he's already made up his decision so unless he's like a pathological liar right so just say this is having just like this is what i want i agree with everything megan has to say i really don't have much else to add to it it is scary because you're like i could be ruining this good thing that we have going on right now if i tell him what i want but the thing is it's easier to have that conversation now than next month when you've fallen even more for him

so uh just say hey we've been and you've been going out every week like who unless he's just like going out every day of the week once he's unemployed you don't know that then this doesn't feel like something that should be out of left field it's just like let's do a two-month check-in yeah and like my other questions are like have you met his friends has he met your friends like are there other things like that there that have like kind of made it clear because like the what are we conversation usually it's just like less like we're not gonna sleep with other people that's usually what that but it usually comes along with like you've already met friends you've been introduced in a certain way and like whatever that is but yeah I think that it's

obviously a nerve-wracking conversation but like Melissa said like waiting doesn't change his answer it just like your whatever answer he has right now will be the answer he has I promise you six months it will be the answer he has a year from now like that's not going to change and I think like we have this misconception that for men like they just need to have more faith in the relate and all that I go a switch flips on in their head for them and they suddenly go ready ready to settle down ready to settle down and then they meet someone and they settle down immediately like it's not like they have to warm up to the specific person or like any of that like it's it's just not like that so yeah i knew this guy that was with somebody for 20 years like literally

20 years and i asked him i said are you guys gonna get married and he was like no i i really don't know like marriage really like that's not really my thing and then they broke up and the next person that they were with he married her within eight months and they had a kid like i i like what if that the original person was waiting on having that conversation of like oh my god are we getting married or not yeah like it has nothing to do with us as women like whatsoever it is just the mindset of when they're ready and like I've seen it in guys who are like pieces of shit and like have strung someone along but I've also seen it in guys who are like really forthcoming with the fact that they're not looking for a relationship and then the second they were like you know what

I think I'm ready to look for a relationship dating girlfriend engaged in a calendar year and I've never even seen them have a girlfriend and I've known them for like almost a decade. Like, it's just like, it's when they're ready. It doesn't matter. Like, they don't change for a specific person. It's not one person who like makes them feel this way. It's not that.

They're ready. And I don't mean this in like a bad, I don't want it to sound bad or whatever, but it's like, it's not like the people that they're not picking. Like if you're with someone that for like a long time, that's like, oh, so they just like, I'm not special. They just, I was the first person.

No, it's not what I'm saying at all. But it's just that they're, the way that they approach the relationship is that of, I want this to go somewhere. And so they're also being a completely different person in a relationship. So like, when I look at the people who I dated who were like pieces of shit

and who they ended up with, and I go, you're, without it, no one's marrying that guy, that shitty fucking guy I dated. That girl didn't marry, no, she's not accepting that. Like, you are a completely different person because you actually are invested in this and you want this at this point.

So it's not about the right timing. And like, I've said this to so many friends who've like waited to like ask this question or whatever and like i know very attractive straight guys who like told girls on first dates that they were looking for a relationship and they meant that and like it doesn't it like there is no way to play it cool you want what you want and like that's attractive and if you don't want that or you don't know what you want then you say that right off the bat you find other people who are on your same wavelength but i i don't think you should waste any more time getting not like wasting any more of your time but like waste

any more of your time building these feelings up for him only to potentially have them crash and burn but i have high hopes and i hope this man doesn't let me down all right we're gonna take another break when we get back we'll get into an update At Ikea, we make things just for college life, like the rose and mantle blackout curtains in gray. They say you can't put a price on sleep, but we did, for the low, low price of $49.99. Why are you in my room? Shhh.

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Arm up! When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us, and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years.

we are back and it is time for an oop dat hey eminem just listened to the episode with my right in and thank you so much you guys made me feel better some things were left out because i was trying to stick to the word count so here's an update so this is the person that wrote in and they had just moved and their friend had got them a job at the same place and that they worked at and the friend was being rude at the job and this person went to break up like in their friendship over it you remember i think so this says we met later in university we're both in health care same unit schedule but people make switches and we weren't always in the same area of the unit.

She doesn't have hiring authority and she only told me about an opening and told me to email her managers because the unit wasn't specified under general listings. The dig towards me was while we and the coworker were in training and I was struggling. The coworker had previous experience and X, this is X friend, that's what they meant.

And X said she didn't know when I brought up her comment and never apologized. X and I have had good times, but we didn't see each other much outside of class slash clinicals. She was a commuter, and I would go home during breaks and move to my hometown up until now. Since grad, we'd seen each other once a year. During school, we used to tease each other, but after graduating, I noticed she'd nag me to drink, and then right before she was single, she started doing the other things I mentioned. During the breakup, she claimed that she's been the same person over the years, but she can't say the same about me, aka I changed a lot. That means I had growth, lol. I've seen her at work since and she talks to me like nothing

happened, so I'm hoping it stays that way. I took her off my socials and distanced myself after she said those things she texted me three days ago asking if i was awake then didn't answer for two days and said she wanted to update me saying she had a rough few days and hasn't answered since i still care but was also nosy lol relatable yeah i'm going to practice better boundaries for myself though and not answer next time thank you guys love the pot and you both look forward to episodes every week while doing house stuff and what was the stuff she was saying to her that she was like in she was basically saying that the other person that worked there was doing a better job oh health care okay we didn't know it was in health care we didn't know it was okay because

i was trying to put like put together what it was like retail or something okay okay okay okay yeah you know boundaries are great but this doesn't surprise me that she's the kind of friend of being like pretending that like nothing none of this has like happened it's just like whatever it's i bet she carries all of her friendships at a very surface level sort of thing but like demands a lot of time and attention so it doesn't it's not surface level friendship but like it is kind of appearancey friendship but also like y'all were only really friends in class and clinical so if you keep it like that that's being consistent with how your friendship originally was so if she wants to act like nothing happened that's how how things used to be so

maybe she's just a person that she's just a work friend she's not or a classmate previously she's not the kind of person you want to hang out with after work is over with yeah and it doesn't sound like she's someone who has friends that she does that with like it's just like but she is asking for like especially calling and all of that kind of stuff like that's more than i'm willing than i'm willing to give like a class friend or a work friend but it's because like then i don't have time to give that to friends who are also reciprocating to be more than just convenience friends to me like it's just it's more of a mutually beneficial relationship so it's she sounds like someone who's not going to be difficult to keep at arm's distance but i think the only

difficult thing for me i deeply relate to is um being chronically nosy and if they are entertaining i would i i would unfortunately if i think it's going to be good i'm probably thinking about the them. Yeah. I mean, I had a friend that always had some tale of tale that was going on and they were emotionally exhausting, but I loved hearing their stories until I didn't. Yep. And then, you know, like we just became distant because I didn't I can't keep up with that exhausting relationship, especially when it's one sided. And also at a certain point, you start to realize that it's like they they think everything in their life is like crazy wild and interesting and so then it's like okay some of these were hidden some of these were good some of these

were risa tisa but then other ones of these are day in my life like they're just not the same level of importance or drama that like you just start to get exhausted or i've had this too where i go don't think you're being totally honest like i think you're kind of fudging person that i was talking about i literally told megan i was like i think they're lying about this but it's funny but then one time we were having a conversation for like four hours and they were mad that somebody had gotten like more likes on a post than they did and it was a four hour long conversation and that was the beginning of the end and you're like this is actually not we don't live in the same reality no and like i have a hard time pretending to care and like when you want the

same level of like oh my god no way like you're right like hyping you up kind of a thing like uh-uh i don't have time for that you should make a vlog or a journal what's wrong with journals i think she likes attention though and unfortunately journals don't give you attention and the vlog can tell her i think you're delusional or nobody's looking at it which should help her hopefully realize maybe this isn't that entertaining mm-hmm unfortunately that doesn't always work that way though okay well that is our episode we hope you all enjoyed if you want to call in write and submit all the same things you said at the top of the episode please do we would love to hear from you and if

you were a call or a submission aired on this episode or a previous one and you want to give us an update you can reach out same ways love to hear from you and stay tuned for the rest of our content which is on friday we have fisting friday then you get you know the weekend to hang out with friends or just listen to us and then your other friends and then on monday we've got but am i wrong tuesday see you next tuesday wednesday that's your catch-up day and then thursday we'll be back here for don't blame me join our patreon you can watch the video versions of the podcast you can also listen ad free and we also do live streams twice a month so fun make some new friends if you've moved to a new area or just gone through like a friendship transition or you know looking

to get out of your bubble or also sometimes people will like quite literally join the live stream while they're like getting ready to go out and like we'll meet their other friends or like their roommates or whatever like it's very low key very low stakes or use it as you know that noise in the background while they're going to sleep yeah yeah like you will see people asleep you will see people making dinner some people participating in hobbies sometimes you will see a black screen and we will have to mute them because they have joined while they're driving home from work and they've put us in their cup holder and they forgot to turn the sound off and so you mute it for them and they just get to like listen and then up to like we've had people like walking home from

class or work or whatever like you will see people in all in all ways and it's a great way to meet people we have people from quite literally all over the world and we have I think yet to have someone come in who is like the only person from their area yeah that area and so people like will actually meet up in real life and it's a very good time so join all right well thanks for listening goodbye this is a sister sign production hosted by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso