Don't Blame Me! - DBM: White Lies

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

Content Warning: #2 - Child Loss and #3 - Abortion This week Meghan and Melisa are giving advice on: Lying partner Honoring your friend's child Support during an abortion Don't Blame Them - Finish work quickly Update - Regretting not moving for college Buy Our Merch ⁠⁠⁠https://crowdmade.com/collections/sister-sign⁠⁠⁠ Call In - 310-694-0976 (3 minutes or less) Write In - ⁠⁠⁠[e-mail]⁠⁠⁠ (300 words or less) Follow Us! ⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/meghanandmelisa⁠⁠⁠ @meghanrienks ⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/meghanrienks⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠https://twitter.com/meghanrienks⁠⁠⁠ @sheisnotmelissa ⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠instagram.com/diamondmprint.productions⁠⁠ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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You're richer than you think. hi welcome to a brand new episode of don't blame me your favorite wonderful advice podcast where we change your life we look good doing it you watch us on patreon uh and you just like tell us how amazing and wonderful we are in return we are honest with you if you're fucking up your life and i'm just gonna be honest this episode's a little um darker than what we usually have yes and i especially after the uh one two punch we had last week i think it's important for us to note that if you're looking for a he he ha ha can't believe these cousins are fucking i was talking to someone who i haven't talked to in a while yesterday and they were like oh yeah like

you've seen that podcast and i was like oh yeah and they're oh i'll have to check it out and i was like and they have kids and i was like for the record you know make sure they're not around because like these are like school age kids like this is carpool kids yeah and um they were i was like yeah there was a there was like a cousin fucking one and he was like noted good call i'm pretty sure my son listens some crazy shit but i don't want to be responsible for adding any more yeah perfect so uh yeah you've just been just know that going into it so that's what today's episode is a little more yeah how do you participate well there's a lot of ways thank you were asking you can call leave a voicemail 310-694-0976 you can send us a email at megan

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I think we shall. I'm Megan, Melissa and other listeners. I've been seeing this guy for about five months now. We're both in our late 20s. Over the past couple months, I've caught him in quite a few lies. White lies. First time he swore he wasn't high, but I knew he was. I was going to let it slide, you know, just trust him.

But my friends were there, too. And we're like, he's definitely high. I called him out and he denied it. That really got to me. It's not even about the weed itself. I just want a heads up, you know. It's not really my thing, but whatever, his life. It's the lying that pissed me off.

We talked it out and I told him I wasn't comfortable with it because my ex was high all the time. Then the other day, he leaves my place because he's tired and texts me he's home safe and sound. Except my friend saw him smoking at a random house party. when she told me the address I was like that's his place so I texted him and asked him why he said he was tired but left and threw a party without inviting me he said his roommate threw it and didn't know it was happening except my friend said she was invited to it a few days ago so yeah I'm kind of wondering if this is a red flag situation like is this something I should be more worried about I just hate feeling like I can't trust him what do you guys think the last

one doesn't seem like a totally far off possibility for me at all like especially because like you were hanging out with him and then he like left to that like unless like he invited your friend right but i don't think no it doesn't seem like yeah so like i i mean in general like guys are like especially guy fucking roommates are like really weird about being like yeah people are i just invited people over it's like what the fuck that would piss me off as a roommate yeah but like i don't think that that to me is a red flag i would ask yourself sounds like you don't want to date someone who smokes weed yeah that's what i was gonna say it sounds like weed is a deal breaker for you so if like you don't want to be with somebody that smokes weed don't be with

somebody that smokes weed yeah it seems like that is like the through line because at first when you said hi i'm like it really depends on what we're talking about because it could be he wasn't he had smoked but he wasn't high high or what you're high on yeah like for me I'm like if you're high on weed if you're on pills like I'm like you know I there's a there's a lot another level there that I'm more worried about but part of that for me is also like because I have dated guys who did hard drugs and that was something that like I didn't realize until like later and I was put in unsafe situations so like I can recognize that like that is a deal breaker for me also because of my past for you it sounds like weed is a deal breaker for you because you had an ex like

that so like it does bring up those old feelings you don't have to date someone who like smokes weed like I don't like there are certain people who I find incredibly annoying when they're high there are other people that like it truly doesn't like affect me at all but if someone is like acting like high high all the time I'm like I just don't know that we're gonna have a like we're gonna vibe very well because like in order to like really I think as an adult really enjoy someone else like being high high you kind of have to be high high you like you so I think like if this just isn't your your vibe I don't think it makes you like a hard ass I don't think it makes you like boring or what did it what did what did um someone refer to Janine as something

like uh a be like not like a party pooper but like something along the lines of being like you know not not not like cool but janine does smoke weed no yeah this is before that and i was like oh my god we find out and she's sitting there and being you guys don't even know so like i don't think it makes you like boring and i also don't think it makes you uptight but i think that like you are going to become incredibly tightly wound if you do not acknowledge that this is a boundary for you because it's also a it's a very acceptable boundary for you to have but it's also like not a boundary that everybody has it's not like a given that it's like well if he wants to date anybody he's gonna have to kick the pcp habit because it's not pcp it's weed like

there's a this is like totally fine for a lot of people that doesn't mean it needs to be fine for you but it does mean that like you just might you i just don't think you're compatible yeah like i'm fine with somebody having weed i do not like the smell of weed i've realized recently that i hate the smell of it you can if you're doing a gummy or something cool yeah i do not want to be with somebody that smells like weed all the time that's fair first time i smelled weed i was like that sounds like my childhood and i was with one of my friends who like we grew up together we both just like looked at each other across the room being like it's all coming together in our head they were high all the time i wouldn't recommend doing that you know if you're raising young

children and actually i mean they turned out fine it was mostly me those my friends their parents were fine so yeah i just this is a fine deal breaker to have don't let anyone like talk you out of being like no like you don't have to accept this there are people out there who like also don't smoke weed but he also doesn't have to accept not smoking weed because there are other people out there who he could date who do smoke weed or are cool with smoking weed right this just means like very cut and dry like you are not compatible and you're yeah i don't know how much of your friend like how much of your friends are also in long-term relationships i will say your friend texting you being like hey he's here and he's like smoking that's how I know that the smoking

is a big issue for you is that your friends are letting you know so yeah I think that cut your losses also there's a lot of people in their late 20s who like only smoke to like go to sleep you don't have to be with someone who's like just high also can you imagine being high and then like your girlfriend is like are you high and all her friends like you're definitely high and he's just like I have to commit and say I'm not high when he's so visibly high such a high thing to do such a hiding to get i'm sitting there dipping hot cheetos and rant sauce yeah his eyes are just closed and red and it's just like i will say that's one of the things that frustrates me is like lying to me when it's like i would actually have to be so stupid to believe for

you to think that i'm believing this and i do find that insulting um but yeah this is just this is just not your guy all right next hey eminem long-time listener first-time caller i 27 have a friend stephanie 30 whom i would like some advice about trigger warning about infant loss she and i were very close and inseparable before we graduated from respective fields she moved out of town for work and a new partner and i became very busy with my job as a result we fell out of touch a bit this is about six or seven years ago she moved back after the relationship ended but we weren't as close when she returned partly due to the events unfolding in our lives and the start of the pandemic. We've kept in touch, but not consistently. She has since gotten married and

they started a family. They unfortunately lost their first child at birth. I reach out often, checking in and letting them know that I was there for them. I would sometimes receive a response, but other times not. I wasn't expecting anything from her, just wanted her to know that I was thinking of them during their grief. They recently had a healthy and safe delivery of a second child. I work in the jewelry industry and would like to create a necklace to honor both children. I do not wish to affect her family's grief and healing. What do you think I should do? Should I reach out to her husband to see if this is something she's interested in receiving? Or should I hold off on this and invite her out for coffee before taking this step?

I would appreciate any advice on how to move forward. I want to ensure whatever I do is respectful of Stephanie's family and their healing process. Thank you. Do not do anything without talking to her. Yeah. Without a doubt. 100%. Because one, what if it's ugly?

But two, and I'm sure you have great skills as a jeweler. But like, what if she has ugly taste too? Yes. what if she has ugly taste and likes ugly stuff yeah and you and you make cute stuff that's a possibility some people like ugly shit right also send me there's a lot of like big things that a lot of people like that are very ugly oh yeah fan cliff um but kendra scott that's what it looks like i was like there's no way you guys are paying for this yeah but i would like i love jewelry so send me send it to me so i can see but this

is something that's very personal and i think that you need to have a conversation with her not her husband because husbands don't know no have a conversation with her wait till you can be together in person talk to her and um i think in person is better yeah because i think in general like i don't want something out of the blue no we need to have a conversation and this is something you lead up to in conversation totally and i think like grief is very hard because depending on like for a lot of people who some like a loved one of theirs who like lived a like long life and was like a big part of their life my friends who have like lost people like that in their lives like they like when people ask about them there is a big difference losing someone who you loved so

deeply who you didn't get to spend a lot of time with because you don't have answers to like a lot of questions about being like oh like tell me what their favorite color was like oh tell me like what do you do like what was your favorite memory together like it's unfortunately there is not like a mutual not to be like woo but like earth side relationship with this person that you have a lot of like those answers to kind of have that connection there so I think I would say if she is social media if she has the name of the child that she lost in her bio along with like the kid that she has that is here right now i think that is a safe sign that you can bring up be like being like hey i wanted to like like let you know this if there is no if she does not talk about it on like

anything publicly like that or whatever you are yes you are not a stranger but this i think like if someone talks about something one time posts about it you know story something whatever but they don't have it like reoccurring as something they talk about i don't think it's something appropriate to like bring up immediately I think it's something that like you should wait for them to bring it up because they brought it up one time when they're comfortable talking about it if they haven't brought it up I don't think you should bring it up but I think I would gauge in that way to see and then I don't know that I would bring it up at the coffee day I might bring it up afterwards and just send a link and being like hey thought about what we were talking about

I make jewelry of anything like this let me know if you'd ever be interested in the offer is it indefinitely stands because like she might be interested in it in like a year from now but she might be able to be like hey I know I'm like not ready for this because like a lot of people who have like lost pregnancies or like lost kids like very very young those feelings come back up again in like a different way when they have a kid again so I think like you know not having it be like a big decision because also like I don't know how much it is or whatever and if you're covering the cost but like if she suddenly decides that she's like I actually can't I don't feel comfortable wearing this is she gonna feel guilty about that so i just think in it is a it is a nice gesture

i do think the risks kind of outweigh the rewards in this so i would like really take it like really fucking slow slow yeah and also like i know a lot of jewelry places have like keepsakes and things is there something that it's something she wouldn't necessarily wear but it could be a little trinket or something that she could have in her home yeah and maybe not something that like has both of their the names there because if someone like a stranger asks like oh tell me about your like something that like also i don't know if she a lot a lot of times parents don't want to attach previously lost pregnancy or child to a child who is here so like might not want it to be a combo thing maybe wants to have like a piece of jewelry that has like both of their

names but on two separate pieces or one has a name and one has something representative like a flower of like the month or anything yeah so yeah conversation and yes and see exactly what she wants don't guess and uh make sure she's comfortable before you do it yeah totally and i think if you like go the whole thing the whole uh coffee and like it just like doesn't come up don't force it don't force it at all because again this isn't in she will have all she's always going to be someone who lost her child like that's this is there's not like a time frame in which like you have to kind of get this done she will always be grieving her child and i think it's just about like what's when is it appropriate to offer something that's like representative of

her love for her child and love and grief exist hand in hand but it's yeah it's a delicate dance of that especially as like a third party so i think it's a very kind gesture but it's about her receiving it as a kind gesture yeah yep yep all right we're going to take a break when we get back we'll get into some more Woo-hoo! campaign delivery, and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify.

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Terms apply. All right, we're back. Hee hee hee hee. All right. Here's the next one. And I'm going to give a content warning for abortion. This person is 25. She heard been with my boyfriend for six years. We live together, want to get married, but don't want kids ever. I just found out I'm pregnant and I'm getting an abortion soon. He's super supportive, but he's currently the only person who knows my best friend is married to his best friend. And none of my friends are local. And I don't really know how to text about it. I feel a lot more embarrassment than I thought I would. He's also uncomfortable with our friends knowing before the abortion happens because he has OCD and he's worried it'll jinx it or something will go wrong. He would respect my choice if I did say, but he'd struggle with it. I'm feeling really lonely. A, how do I navigate the shame and the loneliness? B, how do I balance what my

boyfriend needs with my desires to tell my best friend see how do i even bring this up over text tell your best friend and your boyfriend doesn't need to know yeah yeah i think that's very it's not simple but i think for you for your own mental health you don't need to factor him in yes you have to this is your decision you have to and it is a decision you'll make together but it is ultimately your decision but you have to also put your mental health first because this is happening physically to your body and you need someone to talk to and if he is the only person that you're able to talk to and he's not understanding it the way you need him to you are free to talk to somebody else yeah also accommodating other people's uh OCD is not helpful

for OCD whatsoever like participating in those like what if this then this if this then this on that I forget what it's called but like I think black and white thinking and there's a couple of other like terminologies for OCD participating in that and validating that is like incredibly unhelpful like that's and so I want you to like take a step back from being like oh I'm invalidating his mental health struggles for my physical health struggle which also your physical health is completely tied to your mental health no because that's participating in that side of OCD is like there is no clinician who is going to be like yeah you should do that the whole thing is like okay what's and if it happens then then it happens like so you have to talk to your friend

and I will say I understand that you are like how do I bring it up over text I wouldn't be put off at all if I had a friend being like hey I'm gonna I'm pregnant I'm getting an abortion like I don't need somebody to talk to yeah and just leave it at that there is like no way that someone could tell me that information that I would go they should have phrased that differently or anything like that and I think like this is the shame part of your brain talking is that like you're not wanting to put this on other people you can't put it on other people because this is what's happening with your life and you and you're not putting that on anyone else you are letting people in who i promise you desperately want to be let in they want to know about this they want to know

that you're going through this they want to be there for you and as like a like when my friends like reach out with like hey i'm really going through something i'm like thank you for reaching out because my god if i found out six months from now after you had finished going through this thing that you went through this and i could have helped you yeah and like you didn't tell me like i'm like how i failed as a friend that made you feel like you couldn't come to me and talk to me i'm also like you don't even have to do it over you can like literally call your best friend or text me like hey i have something to talk to you about and like can we can i just call you and i've had people deliver news that way i've delivered news to people that way and like even

if you just like start sobbing and your friend is just there on facetime or being like hey i'm going to drive over and I'm going to come see you. That is what you that's what you need. And you can also tell your friend and be like, hey, can you I just want to keep it between us. Would you not tell your boyfriend? And I think that's also a very fair fucking ask. Yeah, that I would adhere to for me, like when I need to or want to tell somebody something that I'm I'm still not quite comfortable. I this is I haven't had I haven't needed to do this in a long time. But like when I did I would be like hey can I come over and for me like lying in somebody else's bed yeah getting comfortable like and just waiting until I'm able to speak the words were it was

easier for me yeah because you're you're there in the presence with someone you can feel how much they care about you they're not pushing you to do that and you're just like and they know something's wrong yes and so like they're waiting for you to say something but like they're giving you the time to say something and like you've removed yourself from the situation like from whether you're alone where you are or like if it's a stressful place where you are and like your body can decompress and then you can be like okay I'll tell you here now so I think that like there's like no right way to do this there's also no wrong way to tell to tell your friend at all and I think your your boyfriend's OCD is like obviously without a doubt not his fault but I do think that the wanting to

keep it quiet. And that for his OCD, that is not a rational thought to you because you do not, I don't know if you even have a, you certainly do not experience OCD if you had it at the same, in the same way that he does. So it is so natural for you to take that OCD thinking that he's having and reflect that back onto yourself as shame of not telling people. And it's not that for him. And he might not be able to control that and not be able to like tell like, and talk you down from that also you know we all experience our own things but it is not your responsibility to adhere to that like level of black and white or like fate faded kind of thinking in that way and he doesn't need to know and if he knows and he starts spiraling tell your friend hey can i come

crash here and then she can kick her boyfriend out and says you'll stay with him she'll stay here with me yeah like yeah you help the boyfriend's friend can help him you're and that and you need your friend so then she can be there for you yeah and i think if your boyfriend then starts leaning on you and you've told your friend hey please don't tell your boyfriend i think you say tell your boyfriend now he needs i need him to take care of him and i need you to help take care of me yeah because if he can't take care of you in this moment if this is about him regardless if it's a mental health issue or whatever he can get someone else can take care of him and it's not you at all. So the loneliness is one of those things that like, I think loneliness and shame go

together. So they're so intertwined because part of the reason why we stay in loneliness is because we're feeling shame to like not reach out. And yeah, just know that like two people sitting here and I promise you like our entire audience would want a friend to reach out when they're going through this in the same way that you would want your friend to reach out to you if they were going through it and you're reaching out to us because you need support and so reach out to your your in-person friend yeah and this is something that like you don't need to feel like the shame and the loneliness of this but i think the longer you are isolated and just you and your boyfriend your boyfriend's like not giving you any of it so like i think that like you need to call

someone else in you need to get some other people in and and i'm sure since your best friends are together then they both would want to be there for you yeah at the same time i understand him like not like he thinks something don't go wrong i get that but medically that's very low low possibility and if you're in a place where you are able to get an abortion and it you don't have a complete full abortion they will do a dn they'll do something else afterwards like this is like he's not rooted in rational or statistical factual thinking and yeah I think yeah I know that he doesn't want his best friend to know but I think you're I think like having that responsibility of his him being able to talk about his stress with it to someone besides you would be

really good yeah so but uh thank you for reaching out and I know your friend is going to be really happy you reached out to them all right we're going to take a break when we get back we'll get until more. campaign delivery and access better data across the business the result less time spent on operations more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most learn more at accenture.com spotify in toronto every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this cadillac optic was the number one selling luxury ev in canada for 2025 find your rhythm across a seamless 33 inch display and an immersive 19 speaker akg surround audio system this city

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write in or call in with their own advice pertaining to a particular call, some advice we gave on a different episode. So they might have personal experience, professional experience. They've gone through it before. They just have some insight that maybe we missed. This is the famously when one time someone told us that our straight was showing. And now we reference that all the time. We go, I don't want to make sure my straight's not showing. It adds in another perspective besides just us. So this person is 37, she, her. And they say, I'm writing in about the caller asking how to fill her time at work when she finishes her daily tasks in about two hours. I suggest leveraging the tools your company offers. Is there tuition

reimbursement or free online learning or trading through the software the company uses? In 2020, my company expanded the tuition program to cover certifications. So I got my PMP while we were in lockdown and then used that to push for promotion and a pay raise. Since then, I've used free time to learn to become an administrator of one of our project management systems and was just promoted again this year. Carve a new career path for yourself or leverage your new skills when you decided to job hunt down the road wow this sounds like a capricorn this is impressive i love this i only recently learned when mots was talking about possibly getting his um mba that like there are like jobs you can do the part-time schooling for that and then have to be like reimbursed

because it does benefit the company yeah and i was like oh that's really interesting and i was like you can go to school all this job and school all the time and then he got the big textbooks notebooks. I mean, I even think of something that like, it's obviously not the same as like this, but like my, and this is very not the same, but like when I look on my SAG card online, sometimes it's like, oh, these are like the benefits and deals and things that you have through this that unless you're looking for it, you don't necessarily know. And the same thing can even happen with like your work health insurance. Like sometimes your health insurance will be like, oh, you can also do X, Y, and Z with this or whatever. You can go work out. Yeah.

you can there's a lot of learning you know I'm always learning at my I never stop learning she's she's addicted to learning and it helps me like yeah I'm constantly growing in my career and learning new skills and have a lot of different things in my bag so I think it's important to always be learning yeah and sometimes even like companies have like partnerships with specific like charitable organizations or whatever and you could on your work time go do a charity thing that they have for a couple hours that's like you're still getting paid it's still part of your work day also because like that's the charity initiative that your company works with so there's just like a lot of things like that you just have to know how to find them and know

who to ask yeah i'm sure hr would like love to have a question about something other than like why does this person keep reheating tuna in the microwave yep thank you for writing in thank you i do think hot tuna not for me i love tuna i don't love warm tuna i've tried doing like a tuna melt and i'm like this is disgusting i like a tuna melt but it has to be unfortunately like slightly like it has to be like slightly melted and the bread has to be like slightly toasted but kind of cold so like it's not it's not actually a melt no it's not better to like i'm like i actually would just prefer toasted bread and and tuna and cold tuna yes yeah i agree i brought tuna for lunch today you always do not always i don't want to get mercury poisoning don't tell them that

we only record in person once a week so that would not cause mercury poisoning it actually apparently happens a lot like a lot quicker than you think but it's not once eating tuna once a week okay i was as a kid i was allowed to have red meat once a month once i started getting my period i was allowed to have red meat when i had my period once a month prior to that not at all and tuna i was allowed to have like once every fucking three months because of that well we also know i wasn't allowed to have fluoride and that's why my teeth were jacked yeah yeah yeah the picking and choosing of science is crazy to me and that's how you should know that sometimes you can't trust everybody with a phd that doesn't mean that it's in the sect where they should be making those

kinds of calls you know this episode is brought to you by accenture when your advertising operations fall out of sync Everything else follows. Spotify and Accenture are working together to reinvent the rhythm of ad sales, using automation, analytics, and smarter workflows to simplify campaign delivery and access better data across the business. The result? Less time spent on operations, more time connecting brands with the moments and fandoms that matter most. Learn more at Accenture.com slash Spotify. your summer travels deserve an upgrade with select chevrolet buick gmc and cadillac vehicles connected by onstar you can stream game and more on the go whether you're headed to a music festival or a cottage getaway you can access hundreds of apps on google play right from your center display

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The Dog Stars. Directed by Ridley Scott. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. surprise special we also have an update do you want to read it sure and i feel like this is self-explanatory i don't think i need to explain you what an update is hey eminem i wrote in about regretting not moving for college and wanted to send more details i added this at the bottom of the email i sent my grad program is law school so i'll likely be making a decent salary when i

graduate i am committed to a school and turned down berkeley i'm single and don't have kids i sorry just turning down berkeley's kind of crazy it is i'm single and don't have kids and i don't plan on making career moves based off a partner if i have one but by graduation so that's not a factor for me good also tourists are known for being practical and grounded and we prioritize because i asked because you were talking about science and i was like yeah we didn't know what The Taurus, how that factor. Yeah, practical and grounded. And we prioritize comfort and material stability, LOL.

Thank you so much for the advice. My entire family on both sides has lived in the place they live for generations for the most part. So the idea of establishing myself that far away is new to me. And I visited San Diego once and loved it. San Diego and Berkeley are completely different. They're so different. They're so different. So different.

so i want to say like there couldn't be two more different places in california so i mean there are well no i just i mean even like i think like central california and san diego have more similarities than like berkeley yeah but like san diego and like the oc are different places and berkeley and the oc are drastically different i'll give you that i'll give you berkeley and the oc i would say san diego and oc depending on what part of san diego like they're so different no no totally but i was like the i think that you have kind of got san diego and berkeley are like pretty much polar opposites in california but berkeley and oc it's even more that's i think so that's why i'm saying it's like there's a bigger difference yeah so this and jet like i

would not base that off of is that all they wrote no no no okay uh and i visited san diego once and loved it but would probably move to la or san francisco if i got a job at a firm right out of school these are all very different places yeah so you do need to go visit them separately so you can get a feel yeah and you're regretting not going to school in california i mean all those like california that's the thing is california is so big yeah and it's so different depending on where you are you should visit all of those places like i visited la numerous times before i actually moved here and I worked while doing it yeah I would also say that like you know if you have ideals of San Diego specifically law school like you're making connections in that tend to be in

that area so like you go to school in Berkeley you're probably gonna make most of your connections in the Bay Area not so much in LA like that's kind of more of like a or San Diego like you're gonna have to like utilize the connections you have in the Bay to then utilize their connections to see if you can get something there but like California is huge there's not like this easy transfer system between places like that and California is also like it's it's really big but it's not like so big that like everyone has a San Francisco and an LA office right like they'll usually be like oh we have like San Francisco we have Seattle maybe or we have New York like there's just it's a very totally different vibe and I think you know Berkeley is like totally a

grade school but like what was your the financial package and all of that kind of stuff because you have to like where you are going to school and where you live i don't know a ton about the cost of living i know a ton about the cost of living in california specifically the bay area it's really really really really really really really expensive and so if you got the same student loans from both places. So I think like having regrets about, oh, moving to California, like I didn't pick the school in California and like your idea of California, San Diego, like I don't think like you said, like California is so big that I don't think you are missing out on that idea of California. It's a totally different place. And also you can get internships

in college. So try to get internships where you want to be. And I think like going from where you are across the country to california like to like to try and get an internship or whatever maybe not to that exact same level is kind of like is truthfully kind of the same thing as like going from the bay to la trying to make connections there like it is not as closely intertwined as you would necessarily think like i grew up in the bay i know probably like less than 10 people who moved to probably like yeah probably like seven people from my entire childhood life who live in Southern California. Like that's not a lot. And like, there's not a lot of people didn't go to school in LA. Like there it's just, they are very different places. So I don't think that

you're like missing out on this, like dream that you had of California, because I think Berkeley isn't necessarily where you would have wanted to end up anyway. Berkeley is its own thing. No, Berkeley is, I cannot stress. You can't go to San Francisco and Oakland and say, I understand Berkeley. No, you can't go to Alameda and say, you understand Berkeley. Nope. You have to go to Berkeley and see if you understand Berkeley. Berkeley is either like you love it or you're like, I could never go to school here. Like it is so fucking specific. I love Berkeley. I love the city. Loved it my whole life. I don't know. I mean, it was never in the cards for me to go to a school there, but I wouldn't stress about this stuff. And then cost of living, I think in general

is you would have spent, I don't know how much your aid package was if you had any, but the cost of living in Berkeley is it's Berkeley's not big so like the you're also overrun with students undergrad post-grad so like the prices of things are like exponential like they're very very very costly and I think your dollar will get you a lot further where you are especially if that's where your family is and like you can like go home for dinner and like do all those kinds of things it sets you up because in general the advice you give to anybody who wants to move to California is like save as much money as humanly fucking possible before you come here yeah that's exactly what i did and i want to say too my mom was kind of of like none of her siblings left the state

and she but then she for her first job like she was the first one to like leave leave and she moved we moved so much so much yeah she made up for everybody else never moving she said i'll do it all yeah so i understand like from my mom's perspective but she's like i gotta get out and like we moved around so much and my sisters are like we want to stay and i'm like i gotta get out so like it's okay to be the first one to to venture out and that's fine so yeah do some internships see what you actually like and the internships are what or what are actually going to give you like the connection but also like you're in dc too like close to dc too like that's a good place you're closer to new york that's a good place i think you just need to go to different

places and figure out what you actually like totally because you're gonna have to wherever you end up you're gonna have to take the bar yeah there and maybe like most of my friends that are attorneys have their they can practice in multiple states so you know that's a lot of money to spend it is especially early on and i think california is notorious for being one of the hardest ones most people I know who they they California and then they maybe would say New York but like they don't they're not they're not clocking all of the states to do it in because it's already so fucking hard and expensive here but I think like you know if you if you're once you move once it is a lot easier to move again like you realize that it's like not that hard and like you can

just kind of do it at any time like you can just like get up and move and like yeah like Melissa it is hard being the first person who does that but there is no time limit on that and when you like I'm not someone who's like gonna like stay for a person or whatever if you are worried if you're looking at people who are like popping out babies and all of that and you're thinking about well if I like you know I just what if I get pregnant and I have a kid and like I'm a lawyer like I need my I to cover the cost I'm still in law school I want my parents to that see I think you're in an area where you have more reproductive rights but also like if you don't want to settle down then don't do the things that people are settling down or doing like don't seriously date

someone like do all this focus on like instead of booking vacations for your summers with like fam like your friends and their families and like their young kids or whatever focus on getting an internship like you are allowed to like take a break from like you're allowed to divert from that traditional path and timeline of things like that is something that I was like the first one that in my like friend circle to do I'm like drop out of college I'm focusing entirely on work. I'm not going on these spring break trips. I'm not going on these vacations.

I'm not doing this. Like I'm doing this, this, this, and this. And like, I'm missing out on a lot of stuff because like I'm trying to work and trying to get what I can do while this is happening for me. And that's very okay. And then I, we, you all kind of end up

where you're supposed to end up at a certain point. But like, it doesn't change the fact that like, I know people who've been dating so much longer than Mats and I, and they got engaged after us. or people who are dating way sooner and they've already gotten married since. Like there is no timeline.

Yeah, there's zero timeline at all. And just don't let people make you feel like that. Or you like, yeah, I wouldn't hold any regret. But definitely visit Berkeley if you're like, see if you want to transfer. And do you like basketball? Because that's a really fucking important question. Do you like shoes?

If you don't like basketball, you can't go to Berkeley. If you're indifferent about basketball, you can't go to Berkeley. If you're not sure about basketball, but you're open to becoming like a diehard fan who would quite literally drain their veins and put it in an IV to give to the basketball player,

you could go to Berkeley. They love basketball. Anyways, that's it for episode. We hope you all enjoyed. You can always leave a review for the podcast or a specific episode on Spotify. We love to hear from you. And write in, call in for upcoming episodes.

Call in, write in for Don't Blame Them's. give us updates if you have been on a previous episode and more things have unfolded since that came out we would love to hear from you and uh yeah stay tuned for the rest of our shows i'm gonna read some stuff okay from spotify tori heck said for the episode upgrading my friend where we were talking about um dorm beds and lofted beds they said i loved my lofted dorm bed so cozy up there that's you like you like living life on the edge don't you like you must be the most like rock sleeper that you like do not fucking move also might as you might like caves maybe um and then on a festing friday episode gloria rain said for spam there's a low sodium

option my family i prefer over the original spam it's labeled low sodium 25 percent spam still can't do it for me you can probably get it though you want all the sodium you think i want all the sodium hi helena helena i've asked for you to um let me know the correct pronunciation different well and everyone does theirs differently so we have that's why we always ask the way a small part of my heart broke finding out melissa's a cubs fan as a wisconsinite still bring me the merch that i asked for from wisconsin hold up do this wisconsin hates the Cubs? I guess so. I do find it so funny. These like random sports rivalries. What's Wisconsin's team? I love Wisconsin. You know that if you listen to the show. Wisconsin baseball. Does

Wisconsin have a baseball team? I don't think so either. Wait, so who do you root for? Right. The St. Louis Cardinals? Yeah, but that's not in Wisconsin. No, I know. But like, is it one of those things is that one of those ohio things kentucky like where they're so close i don't know explain yourself let me know how to pronounce your name and let me know why you are anti-cubs yeah i would love to know i think the cubs have a cute uniform and if it is the cardinals i'm sorry you are also afflicted the same way that as giants fans we are where they said instead of doing white what if we just did a really light dirty looking gray color i hate those fucking uniforms well i'm sorry they called them the lewis cardinals lewis first name lewis never heard that

it says lewis cardinals i did they just forget to put saint in front of it i think so hi i am lewis lewis cardinal lewis lewis okay um yeah wait what are our shows that also come out so join us tomorrow for a fisting friday monday for but am i wrong tuesday for see you next tuesday wednesday listen to your favorite episode and thursday we'll be back here for another episode of don't blame me flawless amazing wonderful can't wait to hear from you and um i'll see you next time goodbye this is a sister sign production hosted by me megan rinks and me melissa d montz plus diamond imprint productions post-production by coco lorenz production assistance by melanie d watson and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso