Don't Blame Me! - Emotional Cheating

Episode Date: July 3, 2023

This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Finding messages on your boyfriend's phone Mother-in-law invited herself to my friend's wedding Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hi everybody Melissa just raw dogged a protein ball and you know what happens when you raw dog a ball you usually need a palate cleanser after some water anything she's like no I'm good so it's just for y'all hello hi welcome to don't blame me a wonderful podcast dare i say and you know what we're not i'm we're completely unbiased in that completely i have i'm just like no skin in the game like completely unrelated to me like i'm i me who me i am i am just a a bystander and a fan of myself yeah well you gotta back yourself i am my number one fan if i'm not a fan then who am i a hater right and if i can't be a fan of myself that day i'm always a fan of you you know thank you i can be team melissa today okay actually

i'm still pretty team megan i'm in a chaotic mood we won't get into that no you won't hey but i might get into it on my youtube channel it's undecided i don't think you should do it you know i probably shouldn't and i should probably consult not just my multiple therapists and professionals but we'll see anyways welcome to don't blame me and what an ironic title that is in this moment right now for my life this is a podcast where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and like this little interaction you just saw between us sometimes we're on different sides sometimes we have different outlooks different different ideas different vantage points that we're coming from your point is usually higher than mine yeah right now i would say both of our

points are chaotic i just just indifferent well we're sitting down and what we've learned from this podcast is apparently people can't tell our you slouch if you look right now i look like i'm taller than you well it's just because there is so much of me that you kind of hold i do i am very pretzel like this is auntie and auntie and who i don't know my bad everybody so this is a podcast where we give wonderful amazing life-changing advice and we do that by answering your calls you leave us voicemails or you send us voice memos you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com so for both of those you'd be aging or over or have your parents permission and we do request that you

practice a few times you write everything down that you want to say you read it out loud time yourself make sure it's under three minutes get all the information out in there we do want to know how old you are you'd like to let us know your pronouns please do but if it's about a relationship how long you've been together all of those things all the important information you would need in order to you know give advice to somebody else but it's us giving advice to you because otherwise we do have to infer and we don't want to get it wrong and then you know you're like that didn't even help me at all so the more specific you can be the better advice that we can give you and also always let us know if you are sensitive we keep that in mind and yeah then

finally when you're ready to do the call read it out loud perform it yes please you don't have to memorize it because we can't see you no you write it down and read it yeah just read it just read it i was just checking the citizen app because there's some a helicopter circling it's gone now but i was seeing there's been a lot of things popping off over here recently something i call flipping off like a little tumble yeah and if anyone was on the fence about you and your hoa future and your desire her her new thing is a speed bomb she wants a speed that was all that was the original but it was you were working your way up to it i've no i've contacted the city many times but they're like the funding's out oh yeah i've been working but she's collecting the receipts

of like case in point yeah this is why we needed the speed bump well i think i got the that's what i'm saying like number one reason yeah a few nights ago yeah and by the way that car that's parked out there is that one of the ones that got a little love tap i don't know what's out there there's a car out there who if it's smashed on the side it is then yeah yeah yeah so this said an incident involving a fedex truck so i don't know what that means but that's why i'm so sorry what right that's all it said is a fedex truck committing a heist i would watch that movie so quickly yeah i don't know well now i have to see a fedex heist movie well it's gone now we need a fedex partnership for the next oceans movie imagine hey mattel's getting ahead

of it mattel is partnering with everyone but mattel's in on the joke like battel's the villain in the barbie movie so i'm like fedex you might not think it's good press but look at the barbie movie we're fucking stoked barbie is just the collabs i'm like every every time i look up i'm like oh okay ruggable's doing a collab i almost just said that like and i think they did one with did they do base the luggage or they just released their own hot pink one but it's fucking beautiful luggage oh and i'm like i think i need this and mumu did their second or third one i saw very cute i need to get some barbies will you come to that on opening day maybe what day of the week i don't know probably thursday is when i would go in the daytime

well yeah that's what i'm saying like i would go on opening day okay i don't want to go friday at the grove at 8 p.m first of all i don't but i'm saying i don't think you would want to do that either so i feel on a friday that's what i'm saying i don't want to do that but like when you said opening day i said opening day yeah i could do day thursday like at two o'clock yes the first one i'm on the mailing list for this specific movie theater that i like to go to i love that movie theater so that's the only theater i go to so that is where i would be yeah well we do have an update that's going to be at the end of the episode and it's a good one very good so we're gonna take a break right now and then when we come back we're gonna get into the calls hell yeah

we're back and i did forget to promote our patreon so check out our patreon join our live streams watch the video version of the podcast i do have to say i'm not putting up the last patreon we did because it got a little out of hand i'm sorry it was so funny it was so funny but i know that other people do not work in the industry that we work in and i just want to protect everyone yeah no and so i also think if someone were to see that and not watch the whole the way all the way through they thought they would think that they wouldn't understand that we as a collective became someone's number one fan and i think if someone told that person without that person watching they would think it was disingenuous and it's not it's not it was just

curious curiosity yeah so if i highly recommend coming to our live streams because you never know what's gonna happen yeah because sometimes what we talk about we will have to go let's pause a lot let's pause the recording yeah and talk about this live a little bit i'm gonna cut when we start going off the rails yeah and we do that sometimes we literally will stop recording at the request of realize how far we were gonna get in that so i don't think any of us did yeah it took us somewhere else entirely it got real deep yeah think about it no in a in a sexual way yes there was a dramatic reading of a story the written porn yeah porn in the written that's a good word i mean it's a website no oh okay i was like someone has to have coined that

but that is a yeah it's like where people go and write fiction that sex stories not just what pad they had to have it was before this has been around for years wow maybe i have read it on read stuff on that then i was in the early fanfic yeah it was like there is a fanfic section but it's also people just writing stories yeah sexy you know what i'm reading later actually well here's call number one also patreon if you see my tits just like don't talk about it hi i called last week in the midst of my situation and i'm sure it didn't make sense so i'm calling again and hope you haven't missed the call this is about my boyfriend 23 he, him, and me, 23, she, her. We've been dating for three and a half years and have

had our normal ups and downs. I know in a previous relationship that towards the end he started talking and hanging out with a girl who was in a mutual friend group of his but his girlfriend wasn't and he basically emotionally cheated with this girl. Fast forward to Memorial Weekend this year, he got a text from an unknown number and it turned out to be that girl. It really tore him off because they haven't talked in five years. He talked about it that night, and we said how it was weird, and I said I'd also be thrown off if someone from my past texted me. After that, we didn't see each other for a week and a half, especially two-ish weeks, and throughout that time, I could tell something had really changed with him. When we

finally hung out, I went on his phone and saw he had been texting this girl since we parted ways after that weekend together. I'm so mad that I didn't get to go through everything on his phone besides the messages, but luckily those were just from me, and I didn't think they were deep or flirty at all, which is very surface level. While I'm mad and hurt that he lied to me about texting her, I've also chosen to forgive him because I know he's not happy with his job, he's super busy this summer with sports weeks that he's joined, and he's not happy at all with his living situation. For me, I know it would be a nice escape and ensure it was for him to talk to her because she doesn't know any of that stuff and he didn't have to share it with her, but everyone else in

his life does. I also forgave him because I honestly think I would have done the same thing and hid it from him too like if i said if someone from my past texted me i never asked him to not text her back or even asked if he had texted her back i just assumed assumed he wouldn't and that he hadn't it also just sucks that it's the same girl as his last relationship he's blocked and deleted her number on everything and we're both just trying to move on and gain that trust back the question is is it dumb to try to move on to this from this is it as bad as it sounds or is really not that big of a deal what are your thoughts thank you how much therapy have you been in because this is like incredibly reflective in bigger picture of this that like it's the way

you're talking about this is like more along the lines of how we would talk about like you're talking about this as as if you're not in it you know what i mean yeah i like being incredibly objective I don't know if this is the right move though I I don't think it's the wrong move and I think you're right I think everything that you're saying is right he's unhappy with like where he's at in life and she doesn't know those things he can like be whoever he wants or whatever and I think him blocking is a good call and like wanting to like move on from it but that this is a I don't think that this the response is the solution because this the texting and her wasn't a problem it's a result and a symptom of how unhappy he is and all of

this stuff so to me him blocking her and doing all of that that doesn't I don't think it'll also help you feel secure in the sense that like until he working on himself and he's becoming happy like getting a job that he is not so miserable at like all of these things like if he's unhappy this was something he did when he was unhappy and he might not do this thing again but like then what if you don't address what's making you unhappy then something else will still happen because if you hadn't found it would he have blocked her that's my issue yeah if you hadn't found it he would still probably be texting her and so he and then he lied about it so it's just like is he really over it or is he still talking to her somewhere else and like yes she's someone

that didn't that doesn't know what's going on in his life but like get an online friend find someone else to talk to i just don't think this is like emotional cheating and i don't think that this like i don't i don't think that he's actually like made peace and maybe sorry i think he's sorry he got caught yeah and i think that like i think it's then it's just not gonna be her and then it's like he's gonna you know do it talk with someone else about it like that's kind of the thing that it's like she's the worst person he could have picked for it but I think him being like okay it's not gonna be her that it's like okay well it can't be anyone so like it could be like a friend it could be somebody that he doesn't have a past with yeah or a therapist like a therapist yeah but

I don't know if he can yeah afford therapy or whatever if he goes to therapy but like the problem with me is like if it could if it was any other friend if it was oh yeah friend or like a girl that has been in his life that was not a girlfriend then whatever but it's the fact that this is somebody that he has been emotionally bonded with on an intimate level that he hid from you to talk about what his life was going through yeah no but he didn't talk about her with it i think that was the whole thing like yeah he's still like just he's using her as an outlet yeah and i think that's the the cause like the big umbrella of all of this and what happens and why he's doing this is like he's not feeling happy with himself and he's feeling insecure

and that's you know he instead of going to a friend a friend is going to like console you comfort you like hear you out and all of that but a friend isn't going to a friend isn't going to make you feel wanted and desired in that way and that's the difference when you're feeling really fucking lost and really insecure you're not looking for you're not solace in a friendship you're looking for an ego yes that's in a desire like you said a desirable way and in this way that like he doesn't have to work very hard for it but i think like she's one of the worst people he could choose but i think like until the addressing of like the insecurity and the need to feel seen and desired by someone because he's in a self-loathing or self-hating kind of spiral

I think it's until that's addressed I think it's he starts chatting with people on who are you know maybe someone on OnlyFans or he starts flirting with someone who like he knew from before or like a someone he like joins a date in a way that like this to me is again a symptom of a bigger problem and i think you have to address the there yes there's a reason why he did it and he's like stressed about all these things but the crux of it is insecurity and needing to feel wanted and desired and it's why and there's nothing to do with your relationship it's the the reasons are all the things you've listed it's like he's not feeling good he's feeling like spread toothed and all this kind of stuff and it's like okay so you hate your job you hate your living situation and

you need this escapism and the only way that he's viewing escapism is in an emotional romantic sexual kind of way because there's no issue no drama there it's just like fun and he can just like shut off for a minute then it's like okay well until we address that then it's going to be someone else and it's going to be the same the same issue just in a dip with a different person so I think like understanding that this is nothing about you and that he is clearly going through something is good like and I don't think you are wrong in any of that sense but I think wanting to move on from it I also don't think is a bad call but it's just be making sure that you both know what you're moving on from but more so what you're repairing what you're working at

and what you're where you're growing like what direction and like how you're healing and how you're fixing this because it's also you know his mindset needs to change all of those things but if he hates his job and he hates his living situation one of those has to fundamentally change there needs to be those things it can't just be your attitude on all of these things needs to change your attitude on other things will have to change but if there are some things that are taking up your litter like your living situation and your job those are things are taking up all the hours in your day you don't have a lot of time to emotionally work on yourself like you're spent so one of those things has to change and i think that's the conversation you have with

him it's like okay yeah this can't happen anymore let's work through this but like what's going to change and it's not up to you to tell him what he needs to change because at that point if it doesn't come from him wanting to do it it won't happen so it's like okay so what how are you going to change like what do you if it's like well just try harder it's like but how you have to have the how you're going to do a certain thing not just a solution and if you could just try harder you would have already at that point like some things have to fundamentally change so the questions you asked were is it dumb to try to move on for this from this i don't think it's dumb but i think there just needs you have to address the actual situation and not again it's not that he it's not

moving on from the fact that he only lied and only hid this from you and like that that is a huge issue for me but it feels like more he's only apologetic because he got caught he wouldn't have told you if he didn't get caught yeah yeah and so like i don't think it's done with how you're just you're handling it from a like elevated level but you still have to address the minutiae to solve the problem yeah i i think it's it's not about moving on it's not moving forward and moving on it's a byproduct of moving forward but you can't just move forward without the the putting the work in and i would keep in your mind for you that like he doesn't get points for being somewhat honest at the beginning and then lying after because usually when people do that they

have the intention of covering up after so they breadcrumb they give a little bit so it feels like you don't have to be on edge it feels like you don't have to do any of that stuff it gets premeditated in that sense so i wouldn't give him credit for that because your playlist might get you through the work day but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply you know

you you shouldn't be applauded and praised for not lying that's like such the bare minimum but then you do lie yeah exactly and so it's not like that doesn't soften the blow because it's he was truthful at the beginning that she texted him so you know it's only it's only for me like the truth being truthful is only it's always important but it's it's important it's really only important when it's hard you know when it's easy just to tell the truth that to me is not like a testament to your character but it's telling the truth when it's hard that's really means the most then like is this as bad as it sounds or is it really not that big of a deal to you i think it's a big deal i think it's a big deal and i think you think it's a big deal too but i think

that's why you went through his phone you didn't trust him yeah because his behavior changed and you know it's not on you to get over it at all it's on him to it's on him to drastically change himself and get himself in a position in a place where he doesn't recognize the person who did this and neither do you and it's you see that it's not that he tells you that but you have you see that and then from there that decision's not right now it's hard for you to like if you're second guessing your choices and your decisions don't make any choices and decisions it's every day's day by day and because right now if you're committed if you're saying to him like i'm committed to like working through this then for him it's like cool got it done and it's like no

i want i want to see this through i hope that that's where we end up and you know he has to he has to prove that and show that to you not just promise it to you all right good luck and please update us in like six months yeah all right next call okay for my story here are the key players and their fake names i'm she her 31 husband he him 33 named josh best friend she her 31, named Allie. My mother-in-law, she, her, single mom, kind of some mental health issues going on there too. So Allie's getting married and Josh and I are both part of the wedding party. The wedding is no kids, which I'm completely happy about, but that means that we'll need a sitter for our two kids for the three days that was going to be gone because the venue's a few hours away, so we're

going to stay in a hotel for the rehearsal dinner, etc. Allie and my family are super close. She's always invited to dinners and holidays and goes on outings to my family members, so she's invited them to the wedding. My mother-in-law was at our house for dinner one night and I asked her if she would mind staying with the kids during the wedding weekend. She does like to help babysit, so that's never been an issue. She informed me that she thought she was going to be invited to the wedding. My mother-in-law and Allie are not close at all. I don't think that they even have each other's phone numbers and see each other maybe once or twice a year at our kids' birthday party. Allie wasn't planning to invite mother-in-law

the wedding and has a limited amount of space. Josh mentioned he didn't realize that she was invited either and said jokingly that Allie didn't think about the fact that she was inviting everybody that would be the surrogate. I sent Allie a text asking if she told mother-in-law that she'd be invited and she said she did not and now she feels horrible that she wasn't going to invite her and is scrambling to see if they even have room. So the problems are mother-in-law doesn't even know anybody at the wedding besides us, we're in the wedding party and we're going to to be busy. Mother-in-law doesn't like driving so she'd want to stay with us at the hotel and she really likes some couple time away from the kids. Allie feels guilty for not planning to

invite her and is scrambling. So now at 3am I receive a text from mother-in-law saying she'll keep the kids and not go to the wedding even if she was invited and how hurtful it was that Josh said Allie shouldn't have invited everyone. I know this sounds like problem solved but she was super dramatic about how hurt she was and I just feel like she's going to make a big deal about this and how upset she is. Josh is now upset because his mom's upset and the wedding just become like this taboo topic. I found another family friend who brings his kids but I feel like if I bring it up his mom is going to be upset because she said she would watch them. Basically if she can't go to the wedding she's going to be upset and if our friends want to babysit she's going to be

upset. I don't know how to move forward without her making a big deal about being hurt and I also don't even know if Allie will be inviting her and if she doesn't I feel like she's going to make it a big deal would appreciate any advice and insight you guys have thanks so much um no one should ever just assume they're invited anywhere in life i would love to have the unabashed confidence of that like this person i've i see maybe once a year who i know through mutual people who i don't have her cell phone number of course she's inviting me to her wedding um yeah um mother-in-law is in the wrong here i know this is not but am i wrong listen on thursday um but yeah like i i just don't ever think that i'm there's people that i know through my parents and if i were to assume

that i was invited to anything they did not like you just never cross your mind never never never and if it did cross my mind it would be an inside thought yeah like without a doubt wouldn't say it out loud like it would have been a moment like if i really thought that and then suddenly like my daughter-in-law who it's her best friend's getting married she asks if i can babysit then i would go oh my god i can't but it's josh's best friend ali is her husband's best friend no because her caller's going because Ali's close with Ali's I mean caller's parents are going because they're close with Ali I think it's like a mutual friend but I think they're both in the wedding yeah I was gonna say but I think like Ali and her are because if her parents are going to

the wedding I assume that means that you might have grown up together and that maybe it's like a college you all met in college and you went to I don't know something along the lines of that but like again if i was like of all the people if i then heard one of like the bride and groom one of their best friends i'm saying oh can you babysit i would go that clearly indicates i'm not invited to the wedding like and i would yeah like yeah so there is no way to avoid the drama there's no way to avoid her being upset or making it a big deal she's already making it a big deal so you just have to go with logic because she'll she will be upset either way and the logical thing is she was not invited and she should not be invited and so she will babysit the kids and

she will be upset and the illogical thing is that she suddenly gets an invite she comes then she goes to the wedding and sulks and is upset and to me and she wouldn't know anybody because y'all are in the wedding party so you're gonna be on the dais and then y'all can't fuck yeah she's gonna to be upset either way but one of the options is logical yeah you fucking go with that one so yeah she is babysitting y'all are going to the wedding you're gonna have a grand old time being in the party and then having a night without the children yeah yeah and she'll be upset and that's fine over but at least she'll be upset and she doesn't have to be in an evening gown maybe give her something like a nice gift or something if you want to smooth it over you know thanks for watching the

kids here's a whatever she likes yeah spa gift card something nice but yeah and then you enjoy your time and know that she would have made the wedding miserable for you guys there and if she could she might have even purpose or on accident made the wedding uncomfortable for the bride and groom yep because who's she gonna sit with and then they gotta squeeze her in somewhere yeah she wants to be upset she's decided she's upset it does not matter how things transpire like that's she's she's there she's solidified and how she feels about it uh and that's there's no solution to that and her feelings so like there's not a right answer that you're not thinking of that would make this go away nah and it's okay have a great

wonderful time i think it'll be great and just pretend like just yeah you can ignore yeah all right well we're gonna take another break hey we're back we are back and now we're gonna get into our update fantastic i called back in october what had happened was i've been living at my parents for the last like three-ish years My parents are pretty conservative and my dad, the reason I moved home was because of the pandemic and I also dropped out of school so I got a job here. I've just been working and my dad basically flipped on me and said like, if you're not going to school you have to pay rent and it was kind of just a traumatic situation. I just started to shut down and become quite miserable.

I was considering possibly moving in with my boyfriend but he was still in a lease at the time so it didn't make a lot of sense and his apartment was teeny teeny tiny my mom was like on my side in terms of like how things went down with my dad she was very supportive but like none of us could make him apologize and that was what I wanted that was my boundary and then uh what happened was come Christmas time he just started speaking to me and trying to be really nice to me and no one was addressing like what had happened or why we had stopped talking and he just yeah just started talking to me and now everything is fine half of the people in my life are like that's great it doesn't matter and the other half of the people in my life are like

that's really shitty but I've kind of come to a point where I'm like okay this man is very prideful i've known this man my whole life um my mom even said like when the whole situation was happening that like in their 30-year marriage she's gotten an apology from him she said maybe twice and then i was like yeah and then that kind of clicked in my head i was like oh got it cool because like you see your parent like my parents have always been like a good example of a marriage to me like i they've been married and they've always like been outwardly affectionate towards each other but that just kind of makes you understand those little things make you understand like oh this is why the dynamic is what it is so yeah so I'm kind of at peace with that like it is what it is

um it's better than feeling like I shouldn't be in the home that I've grown up in so now the situation is my boyfriend and I want to move in together we actually lived in an apartment yesterday yeah which is exciting it's also very terrifying part of the reason it is so terrifying to me is because my mom has said some stuff about like not really loving my boyfriend um she doesn't think he's going anywhere or has like much of a career which is kind of bullshit to me because neither do I and she's like well where is he going and all this stuff and they're also very against living together before marriage they seem to think that if I stay home long enough and work the job that I'm working at which is just above minimum wage

then I'll be able to save for a house and I won't lose my mind in this house before I'm able to buy house and uh in my area the housing market is crap it's just there's no way I would have to win a lottery or a rich family member which I have none of would have to die you know like I would have to be secretly related to a prince or something and it's just not gonna happen and I've been slowly losing my mind and building a lot of resentment towards them my mom can kind of pick up on it like she's been like what's wrong what's wrong what's wrong and it's kind of hard for me to be like you so I'm just pretending everything's fine yeah and yeah like otherwise my relationship with my mom is great but I just know for a fact that once I tell her like hey I'm actively looking

at apartments and I'm wanting to move my long distance relationship forward like that's the other thing my boyfriend and I see each other like every two weeks and we're very lucky compared to a lot of other long distance relationships but we've been doing this for the last three years and it's just getting gotten very very old and I'm not growing and I'm not learning uh while I'm here in my tiny small town so yeah so I'm just I have to have the conversation with my mom because we need to make a decision on the apartment like very soon for a lot of logistical reasons and I the only thing holding me back is just the whole situation with my mom right now and my dad too can I ask do you do you need her help with like financial stuff for the move because like my gut

reaction would be just like we signed the lease like I'm so excited and not giving her the because I think when you tell someone a little bit earlier it's like telling someone a baby name before like oh this is what we're gonna name our baby and it's like oh I'm gonna get you're asking for my input and it goes but and ask for your opinion or my urine but like people will give it regardless but when you've made your decision even if you think that you're not going to listen to someone else's opinion like it will stay in the back of your head that can you know put that yeah absolutely yeah it's not necessarily I need her like approval for any like financial stuff like I would probably do it on my own anyways their help would be great but no it's not necessarily

that and that's kind of what I've been toying with is like even if we do sign the lease like this week we won't move in until September so that is sort of that's what I've been kind of trying to toy with is um you know do I tell them when it's too late to do anything about it or my problem with that is that I just know how much it will hurt them if I do that and as much as I know our relationship needs to change I also need to value the trust that they do have in me because I know they have it like any conversation I've had like with my mom because again like I don't know if you were able to glean but my dad is not much of a talker so any conversation I've had with my mom she's always willing to like lay down her sword if it means that our relationship

will stay okay it's just I'm concerned that like this decision is the one thing that will she won't back down on I guess did you end up having to pay rent to stay at home no no so the deal we kind of ended up doing was I pay for gas now we have a gas tank on my property and I spent the first maybe six or seven years of my driving not paying for gas which was great yeah very nice because I just a little more context is just I live on a farm so all of us have sort of throughout our lives been expected to help out so when I was in high school most of my evenings I was out in the bar and doing chores before and with my dad and then once I went to university my mom like sat me down and was like we understand that farming is not what you want you will not be

expected to help with chores like unless we are really desperate then we don't need you to help out so all of that connection that I had with my dad throughout like high school and like growing up is gone yeah that we think is a big part of the reason why he freaked out the way that he did he felt like he wasn't getting the respect that he wanted but at the same time it was kind of like okay you didn't there just was zero communication so I didn't realize that those were the feelings he was having and had I known had it been something that he wanted I would have done that and so now it just feels like more transactional so with him I'm like a little bit more okay this might hurt our relationship but that's not strange to me I can also see him

viewing that as quality time but like the only way that he if he's not much of a talker if he's like a little more you know men aren't emotional sort of a thing then it becomes like oh well then respect that's a emotion men are allowed to like desire versus like connection i mean i would i would never like advise someone to that's a lie i was gonna say i would never advise someone to lie i tell people to lie all the time i know yeah so i was gonna say though is like i i totally understand you're saying like i want to make sure that like the respecting and honoring the relationship you do have and like not wanting to just do something that could backfire I think like if it feels like the decision as a whole like if you if you let her know now that like this is what

we're gonna do before you sign it I'm letting you like I'm letting you know that like this is like what's going to happen I think you just have to figure out like is that is she gonna lay her swords down is she more likely to lay her sword down if you tell her before or is it like you know i'm really not okay with this like that can't happen and then it's like oh well then you really have to fucking blow shit up in order to leave versus yeah is it likely that like you know you let her know and it doesn't have to be like you know i let her know when it's too late like literally like can you like you could say it's too late you know i mean like it's like oh we've already signed this and this is going to be it doesn't mean that that's actually the

the truth but it's not like oh i'm gonna wait until i'm gonna sign it now and wait until tell her until august it's like i'll sign it now tell her that it's for september and that like it's a done it's a done deal like you know i mean like in a way that like i totally understand not wanting and also not wanting to like carry a lie with you and like have to like hide like you know packing and like doing all of that stuff like that feels can feel really deceptive but in a way that like is there a way for you to kind of selectively tell what you want to tell in a way that you feel like would protect that relationship um i guess my question is if the radical honesty and just being entirely transparent and forthcoming is the response just going to be met with I don't

want you to to do that like is is there a way of she's going to support it or is the only way she's going to support it is like you being honest and then you not doing it yeah well kind of what I've been thinking of like saying is like this is making me think about going back to school like using kind of what my dad used against me last summer and kind of flipping it around and saying well if I make this own decision and if I go start my own life then this might push me to actually do the things you want me to do like I think that's sort of where I feel like we can come to agreement is that they see me doing all of these things and checking all of these boxes but I think that their order of operations is different than mine is because I don't know the

way I've grown up is always you know you do your elementary school high school and then you're post-secondary and in post-secondary there's three ways of doing it there's college there's university and there's trades both of my older brothers did trades and I went to university failed out of university or dropped out of university and then started college and then a pandemic hit so I wasn't able to finish college and I think that's sort of been the biggest wrench for every single one of us like on a global scale but also in my family no one knows how to handle that and no one knows how to handle me and my needs because I didn't know how to handle me and my needs for a long time so yeah I think it's I don't know how partial I can get because the other

thing too is I need a new car so moving in with my boyfriend who already has a car means that I might need not I might not need to buy my own so that's a whole other situation because the thing while I'm living here I have to have a car otherwise I can't get anywhere so yeah I I don't know I think the worst thing she could possibly say because I don't think she would ever try to control me and she anytime we talk about people who parents who like shun their children and remove them from their lives for reasons she always says that's stupid that's ridiculous like your kids should be the thing you live for what do you know about unconditional love so I don't think it's as much as my anxiety is telling me that that's like a possibility that

my relationship with my parents will end because of this i know logistically she loves me and she loves her kids more than anything i think the worst possible scenario is that she goes i think that's stupid and i don't agree with your decision which at the end of the day is like sucks but not the end of the world how old are you i'm 25 okay and then like is she was she is she going to be more mad that you're moving out or is it the boyfriend situation I think if I said I think the boyfriend was removed I think that would soften the blow a little bit I am I would be moving in with a friend from home who I've known for a few years which I know you guys don't recommend but she barely spends any time in her apartment and I've lived with friends before and

it's gone successfully and we're all therapized enough that i think it would be okay if you know how to handle it then like yeah yeah it's usually the biggest one we've always said it's usually like your first roommate or right when you're going from home to college or something with and you haven't had that separation yeah that's different when you're 25 yeah yeah yeah exactly yeah yeah yeah i think she just i think she underestimates my boyfriend and like how much he does take care of me and wants to take care of me because she hasn't seen us together as much as his family has and as much as like our friends have and yeah I was kind of thinking about the same thing like when I was considering moving out last fall was okay what if I just move in with a

friend somewhere but then I think I get hit with well why don't you just stay home and save money like it's it doesn't feel as much of a progress step like moving forward yeah yeah because their goals for me are to buy a house and I have come to the realization in the last two years that me buying a house might never ever happen and I'm okay with that but that's not their guise for success and stability yeah because yeah they they bought their farm back in the early 90s from a retired couple so they got a great deal on it and they've been making do ever since so and anytime I have a little brother as well anytime we try to explain like no I don't think you understand how different things look for us now even compared to my brothers who there's a

big age gap with my older brothers um even compared to them and like what they've gone through it's quite it's so different they also wouldn't have been able to buy their properties without their wives I was gonna ask you uh do your parents have an age gap and or did did your mom work like do they both work on the farm and did she have a career before that so there's no age gap between my parents um they're like a year apart they got married when they were 24 my they got had my two older brothers very quickly into the marriage again catholic um so they had that my brothers very quickly into the marriage one right after another and then for a whole bunch of different reasons they ended up taking like a long break my mom was like a manager like she has a

she has a degree and she uh did work in her own degree when she got pregnant with me she started taking art lessons and has tried a whole bunch of stuff and is now like a fairly successful artist yeah so it's not like you know releasing any of our bill or like putting relief on our bills but it is her spending and it it helps her advance her career and she also makes her own hours so she is kind of a funny she's a little bit of a walking contradiction at times in terms of independence and having a man provide and the whole bit but culturally she's a bit of a feminist and I don't think she likes to align herself that way or allow herself to think that way but I do think that there is another life where she was her and I were very very similar yeah

that's very much exactly what I thought you were gonna say because I was gonna say it is a bit of a contradiction in the sense that like you know farm life traditional masculinity like physical labor all of that kind of stuff having kids wanting a having making sure that the partner can provide but then also wanting to you to pursue higher education and then her having higher education herself is like and I don't even want to say this to like uh in a way that like is a knock to your boyfriend but I think like talking to her a I would tell her like I'm really afraid that like you're going to like kick me out and like cut me off for this and even though you're saying like in the back of my mind it's like yeah but that's in the back of your mind like

if it's like I think in that response like she would be like oh my god no but it's important to tell someone I think when you're like here's like the my worst fear and I just have to verbalize it to you because if someone was saying that to me like that's the first thing I want to clear up is like that's not even on the table and so you know that you're not dealing you know that when you're in the situation you're talking about it you're dealing with someone who that's what their worry is and like that you need to cater how you how you approach the subject and talk about it and then I would like I think you're right in like the adding the potential college university thing back in there to it and then saying to her and like you know what to I don't want this to

hurt our relationship at all because like I want to I have all these dreams for myself I have these things that I want to do and I know that I'm going to like everything's not always going to go exactly how I want in the same timeline trajectory that I want and I want to know that like I can come back I want to know that I have you I want to know that if something were to happen like I want I want to know that like you know the decisions that I make and like I know that me deciding to move out with him like I'm taking a different timeline than you've wanted and like this doesn't mean we're immediately going to get married and like I'm okay with if a couple years down the road you know we realize it doesn't work out and like we don't end up being together or we do end

up being together like I'm what I'm none of these things that decisions that I'm making like I'm not making choices for me 10 years down the road like I'm making choices for me right now and I'm growing and I'm learning and you raised someone who's like very confident in their like decision making and I think if I choose the wrong thing none of this is life or death and I think that like yeah if we can just I want to be able to like maintain a relationship with you in a way that I don't feel like you know I have to be prideful in making sure that there's no cracks and all of this stuff because I want to make you proud I think what would I would hope would make you the most proud is me being happy and I still have to like I'm 25 I have to figure out what that is like

i have to figure out how to get there and like maintain that and do all of those different things because i think yeah you saying that like maybe she doesn't always want to like identify as a feminist but using the same belief system but without naming it of like you know this isn't doesn't this is a relationship that i really love and i care about but it's not just about the relationship i'm gonna pursue education all of those things it is like you said you in a different life you would have been very similar but these are similar trajectories in that sense and i think if she can see herself in that you know she also recognizes that your dad has flaws there and she's acknowledged some of those things and sometimes people cannot want us

to make the same mistakes that they did or want them to make the same mistakes that they did because they can mistakes like compromises because they can live with them so like sometimes parents want you to end up with someone who they think is like their partner even if they're not perfect because it's like well i know that like i understand that i get that kind of person and i think if her big thing is like she loves her kid like if kids for a friend's love that all of that i would think if you tell her that like there's a part there's an irrational part of you that is worried this will change your relationship forever and you don't want it to i think she'll be like i don't want it to either how can we make sure that it doesn't

change in that way and then like i don't want to say it's like you and her versus your dad but you can even like kind of camaraderie there being like and like i'm a little worried on you know telling dad about like all of this kind of stuff and like it can be a okay it's you know we're gonna figure this out together like we'll do this and having her feel included in a way that doesn't feel like she's losing you because especially if like they got married young and had kids pretty young and even if they're seeing that you guys aren't as traditional it might be like oh you're gonna move you're gonna get an apartment you're going to immediately have a baby and like this is this is your the whole rest of your future in your life but it's that's not how this stuff works anymore

yeah it's not how yeah no maybe sitting down with them and finding a starter home that's on the market there and just breaking down how much like it would cost for you to get that house and then they can actually see like okay we we get this now like you staying home isn't gonna speed up you buying a house and that might not be in the future for you and then also um I know you mentioned that your boyfriend hasn't spent a lot of time with them do you think like if y'all spent some time with your family that would help too yes absolutely I do think it would and there's a whole bunch of reasons as to why he hasn't spent as much time and I've like I've spoken to him like quite recently and said like I understand like why the situation has been what it

is and I don't want to force you into anything uncomfortable but it will help and I do think that once we live together like I've got five nieces and nephews who are all under the age of right now yeah it's chaos but I love them so much and so I know for a fact that I'll be back to visit all the time and I think bringing him with me will help a lot because I've always known that he's not the archetype to fit in with my family my boyfriend I was on another call back in February 2019 shortly after my boyfriend and I started dating it was a valentine's episode with Mott and my boyfriend is non-traditional and my family is very traditional so I've always known that they're not going to be very very close and I know it will help once they see us together

more it's just a matter of getting there because all the logistics right now just aren't always in place just in terms of like scheduling and stuff like that but if I'm making more time to visit and come home and spend a little bit of quality time here then it will be easier to get him to come with me and I think that that will help yeah I think it would also be easier when you're both guests in there yes and that's like psychologically like it is that's it you know as someone who's like been an outsider going like that kind of stuff like you feel whether it's like you're staying there or you're not staying there but like when you and your partner on the same footing and ground there it can feel I think he might even feel a little more comfortable and

yeah finding things that they can get along with but yeah people have ideas of like what they want for us and at the end of the day like it just has to happen and then they'll see you be happy and then it becomes like a okay you might not know all of the reasons or the steps that got there or like all of those components but like if you look at your kid's life and you see that they're happy then there's no nitpicking on well if they should have it should have been this it should have been this it should have been this and like it just has to be like there's a lot of hypotheticals on what they think will be the right like the right path and the right thing and the hard part is like a lot of parents like even if you follow that and then you end up not happy then it has to be well

you must have done it wrong like this is this whole thing or it's like well yeah you just need to go out and do it and figure out what works for you and then it's oh okay that wasn't the only way to do it and you're happy and it's working for you and i might not get it but ultimately when it's out of love in that way they just they want the end result and they think there's one way to get there and if you can get there or get wherever wherever it is that they're seeing you be happy whatever it takes and all that i i don't want to say i don't think they'll care but I think it's yeah they'll just want to see they just want to see you succeed and be happy in a way that like maybe not how they deem success but also how you feel like good and successful and

like whatever you're doing yeah no I totally agree and I do think that it's it's just going to be uncomfortable and a little bit tough and probably a bit passive-aggressive for the first little bit But I think once I find my groove and once they start missing me and realizing, like, that's the thing. Like, my boyfriend and I were just talking about this because he's moved in and out from his house a few times. And he said to his mom, like, I love missing you. I think I want to come home and feel privileged to be in your life again and not like I am stepping on your toes. I want to miss you. I think that's where our relationship thrives best and I want to get to that because my mom

has admitted to me many many times that she wants me to stay forever like she just loves having me around I was the only other girl in the house full of boys so yeah I do think that once she sees and realizes that like I can do better and I can be fine and I can thrive on my own I think it'll be good it's just been a long time since i've done that it's been since you know late 2019 since i've done that so yeah yeah yeah it's just ripping the band-aid off but i i i don't foresee this going poorly yeah i don't either i think she's gonna surprise you and your dad probably will be in a mood for a minute but then he'll get over it yeah and he did the same thing he did where it's like then one day it's everything's fine and he's all and he's happy for it and you're like there's no

conversation about it there's it's just gonna happen that way but you know I think it's good for you to acknowledge that your mom wants you to stay because it makes you it makes her really happy and she wants to find a way for you to stay and for that to make you just as happy but she just needs to see you be happy somewhere else to realize oh that will make her really happy you know like my little girl is growing up yeah yeah yeah no I really hope so I do think I yeah I don't I have a lot of faith in her, but there's just a lot of events and a lot of things said in the last, like, six months or so that have, like, shaken my confidence in a lot and especially in myself. And I think that's where, like, a majority of this, like, anxiety has been coming from. I have been in therapy the whole time.

yeah i mean that's also parents can say if they they see you as like this perfect wonderful thing that like if you're not feeling confident in yourself it's oh well that must be the boyfriends it must be like all of these you know so then it becomes like an impossible standard because like then you feel like you can't feel how you're feeling or express how you're feeling without them being like oh no this is some other this can be fixed like this is just like a wave the wand we'll fix this this will happen this way yeah but I was just to give your boyfriend a tip assuming if your parents have you mean you've got they've got a good amount of kids and then lots and lots of nieces and nephews if your boyfriend likes kids doesn't even need to want to have kids

he hangs out with the kids when you go to visit that's that's a good one the kids love him they ask about him all the time so I know that that is a plus and I know that that's what gets my sisters in law like definitely on his side because as soon as I met him I knew like oh you're gonna be great with kids and I thought okay big win and yeah he's absolutely great with them so yeah I think that's huge and honestly that's all I need my little brother likes him my sisters-in-law really like him my mom is quite friendly with him and that is all I need in terms of like him suiting the family and when you leave they're all they'll all talk about it they'll all talk about like sisters and like it'll be like if they if they like sisters not come visit you and it's like

oh my god like you cannot tell the other people in your life like hey and it's like oh if you need me to talk up this relationship because they don't see like they're there a lot of other people can do the legwork for you even without asking because it just becomes not going to talk about you and your relationship you know in the same way in front of you that they will when you're not around and you know the people who really like love him and feel like this is really good for you they'll say that they'll say that and it's clear that they're not saying that because you're there and it's because they believe it and you know some that's a that's a thing that when your parents aren't having the only experience and relationship that they have with him is with everyone else it's

like oh he has these other relationships with sister-in-law they have like he's got all these other things it's like oh okay so we actually maybe don't know know him to his core and yeah we we now know other people who spend time with him when we're not there and so like you know we that who he really is so yeah I mean I think it'll be good I think I think it'll be good I think it'll be stressful and anxiety inducing but I think if you express that and you like share that at the forefront and you like let her know because I don't think that that's your responsibility to like you know I think if like having tangible anxiety that you're worried about how someone will react to something and they've given you like some sort of you know

they haven't totally assured you I always think I like when people give me opportunity to assure them that like yeah that thing's not going to happen and I don't want someone to carry that and think it's their responsibility to just reckon with that thought process themselves especially if I've given I haven't given them so much confidence in that there's no way that that could be my response so yeah yeah yeah that makes a lot of sense absolutely let us know what you end up doing if you end up signing for the apartment you just saw or fingers crossed you get one that you like and it all goes yeah well and we'd love to hear you know how it goes yeah i'll keep you guys posted thank you so so much of course good luck with everything thank you we

hope you all enjoyed thank you i almost said their first and last name for calling in we would never do that we hope you enjoyed i hope you liked this episode if you want to call in for an upcoming one please do leave us voicemail send us a voice memo if you want to give us an update to a call that you were on that we gave you advice on on a previous episode shoot us an email we can schedule it that one we did we talked in person i mean not in person we talked face to face digitally nice love that i don't know okay it's an album only clip oh yeah no i don't know that i had a hit clip that i got that was a not a real hit clip it was like a mcdonald's toy hit clip it was fun i liked it i enjoyed it but it might have been backstreet boys too whichever one i got

but all i know is i only know about four songs from that group of uh two boy bands combined of those yeah combined i don't know who sings that i know you do you and mods yeah so um yeah join our patreon support we hope you liked the episode if you did you can leave us a review on spotify you can also do an apple podcast you can leave a review for episode specific or the whole show we always appreciate it and hey if you work for a company that does podcast advertisement i know some some girls with some wonderful podcasts who are willing and able to talk about how great things are oh yeah hell yeah we hope you enjoyed and we will uh see you next time stay tuned for the week make sure you're subscribed so you can get the rest of our content slate that's

coming on up we won't have a new episode next week but because most of the horror abroad international hakosama well you know and uh so i didn't upload see you next tuesday for it last week because i have a script due tomorrow but i will put it up that week that we're we don't have a new episode oh amazing so you have some stuff for us and hey if i get my shit together i will have a new youtube video that you can know you won't no listen i literally it's at the end of the video i haven't even put it in like i have a whole other video it was an hour long well i know that's why i said i would have to cut it down because it's in a video that i'm already editing like it's the very end it is there's no through line it does feel very fucking weird that it goes

from like i'm doing this this and then me in my bed being like you'll never guess what just happened to me no megan can bumble bff reach out to us i have somebody who'd be great to make new friends i am really good on dating okay all right goodbye Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson.

And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.