Don't Blame Me! - Explain This To Me

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

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welcome to see you next tuesday i took my adderall it hasn't kicked in yet so we're in for a bumpy ride plus focus i look so theoretically i should be fucking laser photo will i be no will i am okay so i'm a beat i'm a beat this was a tiktok trend uh a while ago and welcome to see next tuesday this is a tiktok trend a while ago should we explain what see you next tuesday is what is there to fucking explain what is to explain is that if you've never been here before get the fuck out no we're being more inclusive we're welcoming now stay a while but please don't judge us solely from this we do things that are more structured so if you might have heard on on yesterday's episode if you're caught up um but i'm not no that's not what yesterday's is

yesterday's is don't blame me um we talked about the strike and how you know there are a lot of things we can't talk about and we usually talk a lot about like things we're watching in this um in this show so last night when you text me said don't forget we have the podcast tomorrow i said i did forget so thank you so much for reminding me and you said you're good at this yeah and i didn't know if you're referring to me being good at reminding you of things you're good at life no you're good at you're good at remembering that we committed to something and then remembering that i won't remember and then reminding me see here's the difference is that i remember nothing but i write down everything so that's the difference between us is i don't

remember anything but i do write things down and like right now when a few minutes ago you were like i don't know no i need to change my name in my uh i already forgot about that and for me if i something pops in my head i have to immediately do it or write it down or i forgot it for like five days and it'll come back to me then see my issue is i write things down but i like i'll put like notifications in my calendar i had a notification on either thursday or friday of this past week and i go what the fuck am i doing at 11 there's nothing there i wrote nothing there but i have something the night before i get megan please confirm your psychiatry appointment i go perfect thankfully it's virtual but like there are times where like i will not show up

to a doctor's appointment they're like where are you and i go i'm sorry it's on my calendar for the weekend after they go or the week after like you just picked the wrong date it's it's now so my issue is i write things and then i don't finish writing them or i don't understand what i meant but you're good at this you're good at this life thing and i'm learning i thought you're like you're good at helping me you know you wasn't i hate to inform you that is a part of your life i know and you're very good at it i know so this is a note that i found in my phone when i was like this is perfect because we can't talk about things that we're watching and i was going to text you last night for you to come up with your own list and it's a list of things i don't understand but

i thought it'd be funnier if i tell you things i don't understand and you either tell me what they are what it is if or you make it up okay and then at the end you have to guess situations are real fake okay things i don't understand ph levels okay so ph levels that is how acidic or base something is so but what is ph like ph is i don't remember what ph stands for but i just told you what is what what it is but so is that like on the periodic table no it's not on the period it's not of the element the periodic table is composed of elements but the elements can be or basic okay and so well they are what's alkaline then alkaline is a is that in between yes but it's like i think it's closer to a base if you would have asked me this in 2008 i would have known exactly what

this was we're talking about ph levels that i go so what what ph like to what level you i you i believe you want to be like in the middle like yeah but is it like i think the scale is to seven well now now we're getting into me making shit up well so that's what this game so back in the day um secrets slogan was like strong enough for a man but ph balance for a woman and men have ph as well yeah but they were saying it's it's balanced for a woman's levels i don't it's marketing it was fake it's all fake but um i do think that people do have different ph levels yeah but we're all trying to get to the same like alignment also i'm hearing that hair ph of your hair which i just think that like science is great but unless we're gonna dumb it down i i need this

in the everyday man but it's also a lot of pseudoscience too no i agree with that okay next is semen dairy no why not because dairy specifically has to come from a cow no because goat milk but is goat considered dairy but is milk i are all milks dairy except for non-dairy milk so you would call goat milk still a dairy milk the only non-dairy milk would be soy and like nut milks i think it's that comes from an a mammal but semen is not milk though it doesn't come from a mammary gland so it's not dairy our ball or there's no glands there those are glands but mammary glands are specifically in your titties okay so you don't milk if it's not supposed to be milk then why is the process of getting it out so similar to that of milking of

an udder but it's not because milking of a udder is a squeezy pool and milking of a dick is a strokey stroke but in some it us that look wise it does have a similar look to a squeezy pole milk like you can't squeeze it out but but but dairy milk comes from a female cow oh that that that that throws something in there that i had no idea which does make it all make sense yes but how do you feel about considering semen as dairy no okay i like it sound off why but you're dairy free so that would upset you so are you trying to block your no i'm trying to no no i'm i'm trying to not box myself in like i'm trying to like be optimistic that one day i will be a dairy girl but then but if you're saying like if you're gonna go that route and

say that like dairy can come from any mammal then that means that you producing milk would make you dairy like a dairy producer if you you know if you had a child yourself and then you produce titty milk then you're saying that you're a dairy i'm a personal dairy farm but you're not not yet now i have to know like is dairy hold on no i literally googled it when i was in high school because i wondered if i was allergic to it but i literally googled is cum dairy at like not the cum part the like is goat milk considered dairy it had like okay so it does the dairy does contain cow water buffalo nanny goats and ewes fucking knew it okay well you got that one thank okay the cloud what about it i don't understand the cloud like where is the cloud what is the

cloud cloud is among us came up with the cloud al gore don't say that to me hey i'm i'm here just to say things al gore created the cloud just like he created the internet you know like he he did and uh the cloud is just among us in the same way that wi-fi is among us and things are just you know how matter is neither created or destroyed the same thing is with the cloud it's neither created or destroyed but you have to buy the real estate so like when you have like 10 gigs of real estate then you have to buy into the real estate but it's always there but are we gonna run out of space in the cloud no because it's neither created or destroyed so it's always there like matter this is how people make money by saying sentences like that other people just

give some money because it goes i don't fucking know um fireworks so fireworks are uh uh the stuff that's in gunpowder it's gunpowder and then you're adding gunpowder and uh food coloring dies i wish i wish there was a video to be able to see the performance to that um how popcorn was invented popcorn was invented by uh somebody that had accidentally dried out it was first of all it was invented by the uh indigenous people without a doubt and we had the corn was dried out and they were sitting next to a fire one day got a little too hot and it went poof and they're like oh wait we got something here and then they're like it clearly comes from the maze from the corn so we can eat it so we can eat it that is i want a documentary i don't need another ted monday

documentary i need a fucking documentary on how or like it doesn't have to be a documentary just a movie on how popcorn was made and then now we have people that are sitting on tiktoks putting on a flat iron that is how it was invented okay um julianne huff what about her i don't understand listen when i tell you all this whole list makes sense except i have julianne huff the next thing i have derrick huff i have no idea what my thought process was so julianne huff and derrick huff are a brother sister duo uh-huh they got their start back in the early 90s in the dance ballroom scene when they were partnered together by their parents forcing them to get in i think their parents are also dancers okay and had them they're like oh we want to two steps and trot top top then

and then uh abc discovered julianna because she's is it julianna julianna i think it's julianne that's what i wrote but i don't know so when she was on dancing with the stars first and then she was like oh wait i have a brother and then he came on and then one time i went to dancing with the stars when i have actually been a few times and uh i was out in the place where you wait and he came out shirtless and all the women fainted and were like oh my gosh and i was like who cares and i was the first one in line too so um yeah so that's them um she's done blackface before uh dressing up as a character from a television show that i can't say um because it is a struck production um but recently people have been namely kamiko glenn uh has come out

from that tv show talking about how much money that they aren't making she literally made 24 since off residuals internationally and she was in a lot of episodes so um that's the huffs for me wonderful do you think that derrick huff has to give 10 of his money to julianne huff because she brought him into the dancing with the stars i think that she just always made more money than he did okay are they do you think they're naturally blonde yes are they twins no do you think it's possible for siblings to be born not at the same time but to still be twins in their hearts and minds and souls i think that two people can be very close and be you know connected in a way that that sibling bond just transcends all okay thank you i feel really good that

um weather so weather weather i don't know how we predict it i don't i don't understand it i don't know if you saw but you've said on this podcast this is my biggest thing in the world numerous times that weather is a lie no not just weather is a lie that that like when it's like 80 chance of rain that means that it covers 80 of the area and i didn't think that was right but i didn't want to say it on air because i didn't want to i didn't want to like disrupt you and you know whatever so then i one day went into a deep dive about it and that's not true isn't it 80 of the area will experience no it's the chance that's it's the 80 chance of right and i think talk lied to me it did and i sent you an article about it and you did not respond to it so i was

like she didn't read this uh but weather i mean it exists it's what it's a lot of things it is uh temperature it is barometric pressure it is it's not a real word what was that barometric air metric something with a b with pressure the pressure part of weather is where you where they lose me humidity that makes sense to me precipitation makes sense to me uh but they say the pressure outside i go what do you mean and yeah so there we are weather wonderful um aquatic evolution like how things went from being in the sea to being out of the sea well some things are still in and out like what's an eel gonna be one day is an eel just done it's not evolving anymore it'll be like an iguana think about an iguana they kind of look

the same yeah but how did we get there did like one just like go onto the shore and be like let they try and make it out here in the big city yeah and then it just kind of just kept stretching its little limbs so how many had to to die in order for the first one to have their dreams realized in hollywood some people are gonna have to die it's sad but inevitable it's inevitable so um yeah so you know evolution is just you know how they say giraffes necks are that long is because uh they used to be shorter but then they needed to reach the the leaves in the trees so then they just kept stretching their little necks out till they got longer and longer now it's just normal for them so so many drafts putting those back breaking neck breaking work for the current

giraffes just like don't even know how fucking easy they got it yeah wow that's like a lot of animosity um electricity but specifically how someone can legitimately invent electricity so there's this man called bitumen franklin never was outside and he had a little kite and then it was lightning outside and he went and it zapped him and he's like oh what's that that was an experiment right he wasn't just flying a kite for fun look because to me i personally i personally would rather believe that inventions all come from happy accidents which then someone goes imagine let me figure that out as opposed to someone being like because like how do you sit down and go i'm gonna think of the lecture like you know he just he he was just a man of

many thoughts lies deceit and stealing things that's what i mean and so um and then he's like how can i create this lightning in a bottle and that's where the term lightning from a bottle comes i don't believe that look i'm just saying that's the whole point of this did you forget the game yeah no but more importantly i think you just made something up that someone else has made up that is printed in textbooks like i truly if i google lightning in a bottle i feel like it's gonna be benjamin franklin he was like you know you're gonna see like this what like zen quotes.com lightning never strikes in the same spot twice have you ever tried to fly okay it's actually pretty hard um yes but i have to say that is a uh uh a frequent

pastime of marinites and san francisco bay area because like that shit is windy like we get big gusts it's called the bay for a reason yeah i've seen other in like tv shows like kids flying kites and they're running and i go why are you running to fly because they have to get that momentum we didn't have to yeah well i was never in a windy place where i could just go out and fly kites remember my parents bought me kites and or bought a kite for us one time we each got a kite and we were just kind of standing out there no shit was happening it was disappointing but back to franklin so he was like lightning in the bottle i gotta recreate this and so then he went back his to his lab i want you to know that lightning in a bottle the first thing that comes up is lightning in a

bottle tattoo and to that i say that's okay you don't need to do that tattoo so he goes back to his lab and he's like hey person i've enslaved to work for me these are my thoughts and the person was like okay and they actually came up with the electricity and like how to put two uh protons and electrons together and uh atoms and um then bounce like water off something that had been ignited and then it was like see i there's no way that the cut like say the kite thing because benjamin franklin has a kite like that like him and his kite you can't see it without his kite like that's his whole thing but to me that is a story that someone told because he's like well that clearly this is how i discovered it and i go no no someone else discovered it

you're claiming credit so i think the kite came after okay um thank you for that that was very helpful uh i still don't understand when you plug things into things i think it's crazy um well that's because you've got the negatives and the positive positive ions do you think they did they name those names then like were they like this is going to be a pro like an ad this is going to be that like they so was it he did they name them back in that day or did they already know about protons well it has to discover it first yeah like okay so that leads me to my next thing i don't understand how people invent things like i understand now when you invent things in one of my favorite circumstances put me in a box and i'll tell you about this box i'll come up with

something in this box but before there are boxes to put people in or concepts or problems to solve we need all of these things now to make invent so how do people invent things that are just things well there was a need for so when when there's a will there's a way which you've never had that much will so you know you needed uh you were cold and you needed some heat and you're like but how do i know what here i've got hot is okay so i'm when you're cold what do you usually do oh okay you're right your hand yeah you rub your hand together so that's just like an innate thing that yeah so you rub your hands together and it's creating energy uh-huh uh which is heat because heat is a form of energy and so when you create it you're like huh i wonder what else can i

rub together and it gets warm so you're out and you're taking you're like what do i have here i'm sitting out in a field and i take two blast grays and two grass blades what is that and i rubbed them together and nothing's happening i'm like but it's too soft like i can't stick it together so i'm like so then damn mark cuban over here so then next i'm like there's the tree branch let me like you gotta go you have to pick the other one you're doing that's too hard you do too soft too hard okay and it's like a big tree branch and i'm like i take it and i'm like okay let me try to rub it against this other branch and it's like i can't do this this is too it's too big like i can't i need to manage this more and then as i'm doing that a little piece breaks

off and then it's like oh my gosh there's two little pieces what if i take these little pieces of this tree branch and rub it together and i'm starting rubbing rubbing rubbing and i see these little sparks going and then i get nothing and i'm like damn it but i was so i was so close that's like i felt it and then i touched the two little little sticks and i'm like they're warm so i know that they're making the heat so i'm rubbing them together getting rubbing rubbing and then a little breeze comes along and like oh yeah now there's some smoke and where there's smoke there's fire so i'm rubbing again and i'm like oh i can make a little wind with my mouth so i'm like and then it's going and going and it and it goes but then it's like okay but like where does it go

so i need more but i'm like i can't get all these little branches together but what if i you know get some like leaves and put it on so i go and go the leaves it doesn't last that long you know but then winter comes it's getting colder it's getting colder and the leaves are drying up oh my god so i'm like whoa this is like a real peril in the oregon trail and boom your family's dead branch branch rub rub blow put the dry leaves there it ignites fire and there is fire wow so i've decided um i would have died out of sheer boredom or just lack of will um if i was born any time before the gold rush because to me the only thing i want to discover is gold i want to

discover something like i don't want to invent i don't want to wrap some wires next to each other and create a whole i want to go into the creek see something sparkly and shiny grab it out and put it in my little thing and then i want to do that that's what i want to discover are we done with the list that's the end of well the last one on my list i like made a joke to mots about this and he was like well what's on it and i read him the last one first and i got bored to tears and i can't do it again the last one was the stock market don't even start i don't want to know i don't i don't so i don't want to know i already did all these people they get together and they're like money let's do cocaine what is it what is this good question that's a question for you

what is money and they're like well money can only go so far and so let's all gather together and use our imagination of what the money could be any guesses and so then people start taking bets on businesses and they're like yeah this is exactly what it is like that business failed so they're going down but this business it's doing good so it's going up and then they're like okay this is this is cool but like let's add some more excitement let's get some cocaine all right let's start here we go let's start at 1 a.m and get a fuck ton of coke and you know what we're gonna add a bell somebody's gonna come and ring a fucking bell we're gonna have people jumping on on desks we're gonna have people jumping off offices and we all have to wear suits

greed is good no women allowed because we're just guessing what the fuck is going on all right i'm rich you're rich fake money here we go martha stewart she lied to the fbi she's going to jail even though all of us are doing this shit all the time breaking the law but it's because she lied to the fbi so then martha goes to jail okay and then she comes out she's like i don't give a fuck about anything anymore and now she's like me and stoop dog we've both been to gel we're besties we both like weed and i'm just gonna you know no more of this like clean cut i'm still gonna be clean cut but now i got a little edge white collar white collar crime yeah so now i've been to to gel and living my best life so wow thank you it was so much more interesting

than matz's definition of it because i do believe in the definition and the origin story of the stock market uh to not involve the main star of the show martha stewart is a crime in itself and you know that is how jordan belford sold his memoir the wolf of wall street he went into the publishing house and he said that verbatim exactly he walked in there his thick old neck his big old arms i'm gonna tell you right now i'm looking at the picture of his book cover i'm thinking those arms are those look a little inflated they look a little michelin-y and then he was for the sequel the way of the wolf straight line selling which you know is a reference to the cocaine here comes the ice cream man do you think the ice cream man has read the book

no it's actually an ice cream lady ice cream lady would never said that if i knew that was a lady i would never have i would never accuse a lady of reading that book oh what a cute little car wow so that is my entire list this is fun i want to do this again i literally was about to fucking text you to tell you to write your own list i go no fucking point i'm just gonna have her define my list to explain it all she'll enjoy that more i can come up with so many lists of things i don't understand like there are so many things that i just don't get okay like i don't think i have like an iphone face like i think you could put me in like a dusty wig and tell me that like scurvy and polio are like an imminent threat and like my face would fit in um but i don't have

the brain well for pre-electricity i just said made up so maybe we should take an improv class no i will never take an improv my brain works too fast and too slow for that my brain usually works pretty slow so thanks phenomenal uh gummies by ali sponsor us please sold out for a while i don't know if you saw it when it went viral on tiktok i think you said our ad space was sold out and i go not since 28 ever 17 it was there was a time that was a a couple months i remember yeah it was it's nice uh but it was sold out because somebody had posted on tiktok how they were like it really like got them going and that's how i've decided amazing i'm waiting for it to happen and then um sorry what was that were your glasses up too high you

blinked and they rolled down a little bit they were up too high and then i couldn't figure out what was going like my depth is all up and then they went back to their associate and i was like that's what happened you know if you got some bifocals you wouldn't have this problem everyone you can't see but i am rolling my eyes i'm just saying the way that you wear your glasses the way that scourge wears his glasses thank you i understand that was definitely a good point at the bottom of your nose like bifocals are supposed to be worn but bifocals like the other part is reading glasses like am i just gonna be glass because i don't need the ones for clothes i take them off all the time and i go and melissa where are my glasses i'm like they're right there

on top of your notebook and then i'm trying to cook and i'm realizing i don't i don't know my glasses are and today i discovered despite having been in your home in your kitchen countless times um turns out i don't fit underneath your hood range and um i never noticed i did clean the hood pink and there's still one part of it that's sitting in the sink because you didn't finish it so it's been there for i told mom probably a month and he was like does melissa need me to do it and i was like no she doesn't need you to do it and also you can clean our dishes i the last time i had a man clean my dishes i was not happy this was a couple months ago he's like no i can clean i'm good at dishes i said uh-huh i looked at the dishes and there was still specks of food on it

later and this is why i have a two-part cleaning system with my dishes i wash them by hand and wash them again in the dishwasher yep has nothing to do with my contamination no i don't i don't even think you have those here i have not noticed any of that nor have i ever told you yeah you definitely have that and said have you talked to allison about that and then you never responded saying yeah she agrees but actually it's never happened to us that interaction was purely fiction well um i anything else you'd like to add to this episode no i'm good bruh what about you um nothing else i'm just gonna be on the lookout for other things i don't understand and the list is truly endless yeah so uh i'm excited to uh come back

with more for you someday light bulbs we've we the kites are more than enough in my brain to digest today and now you can add that to the list now i have to show you what a light a lightning in a bottle tattoo looks like all right well she's gonna show me and we're gonna exit out of this so we will see you next tuesday goodbye now um let us know everyone uh what do You're not understanding.