Don't Blame Me! - Facial Sermons

Episode Date: August 14, 2023

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Newly long distance relationship Not attending your friend's brother's wedding Helping your partner with time blindness Client forcing the Good Word on you Frustrations with dating Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hi hello megan what's up the sky okay cool love that wonderful well welcome to another episode of don't blame me wonderful amazing um if you are brand new here welcome to your new favorite podcast or at least like in your top four ranking because we have four podcasts you're allowed to switch them based on what era of your life you're currently in what season and on this one we are megan and melissa and we give you wonderful amazing life changing advice and i would say our og listeners would be like they've gotten me through so many tough times like what would i do if i didn't have them like i people have said that that's not an exaggeration we love it we we we've been around for a while and sometimes our advice is chaotic sometimes it's messy it's

petty other times it's like very helpful and something that like our therapists would be like okay you know i don't hate that i could co-sign it and then other times it's it you might get one of us in one camp and the one and one and the other did we start this in 2017 i know nothing about yours i think we did but we have an exciting announcement we do i literally texted you about this oh yeah you did there was a lot of text we did text a lot but we now if you are subscribed to our patreon which subscribe to our patreon if you want to see us but also you're like huh i want to hear the episodes without ads while i'm driving and i don't have time to sit down and just watch you can now listen on spotify so if you're subscribed to our patreon you also get

a link to our exclusive feed that's on spotify and you can listen in your car when you're going for a walk without any ads i love how you would be in your car on a walk i said or oh i thought of when you're in your car on a walk on a walk you are walking your car technically or it's the car walking you whoa mind blown yeah that's crazy i guess speaking of patreon if you're watching you might notice we are not in the same room we're recording virtually um and that is because i went to the tail switch concert last week and it was around a lot more people than normal uh so just want to be extra safe and if you're watching patreon you also get to see a classic melissa twitch it's like what is a podcast episode without it i still have to say last week that was the

biggest one you've ever had yeah it was you like you had like a paper something like you knocked something off of your like you had like it literally jostled jostled you from inside your bones if i was concentrating i could have made it into an orgasm oh that's that is some information and thank you for sharing that with us that was that i feel like you could be a person who could do coregasms i don't have the like fucking desire like because like is it something you have or you not you don't or is it a month we have to work at i think some people just have i know some people can just like like brushing their teeth can cause them to have an orgasm that's really stressful it is like that person was like this isn't a good thing no that's fucking stressful yeah and then

i think the coregasm you can you either have it or you can work to get it kind of like squirting okay yeah so that's one of those things that like i have no desire to work to try and get it i don't i don't like doing core exercises yeah well i'd rather just like learn spanish like i just feel like there are better ways for me personally that i can just have an orgasm without doing core workouts yeah and also like i can do that other one way quicker yes i am don't need the trial and error right and then like i just i get abs overrated overrated well we have a wonderful podcast for you i actually don't know that but i know that we're wonderful and so therefore we can't create things that are wonderful call us miss and almost miss this

wonderful what is the almost i don't know you're the one that's engaged and has been for like two years i don't know isn't miss i'm a miss and i say you and i said almost misses because you're almost married almost miss no miss and almost misses okay because i go i'm pretty sure i'm currently a miss yeah that is true are you a miss yeah i'm a yeah i am i'm a miss so if you want to call for an upcoming episode where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you have to keep both of those under three minutes be 18 or over or have your parents permission and we do ask that you write everything down and practice a couple

times make sure it's under three minutes and then read it either on the voice memo or on the voicemail include your age if you would like to include pronouns please do but you know if there's multiple people involved in the story or the situation you're telling us about give them fake names like pseudonyms and include their ages it's about a relationship how long have you been together all of the important details that you know someone would ask as follow-up questions we don't get to do the follow-up questions so yet anticipate those things because otherwise we can only give you advice based on the information that you have given us and um let us know if sensitive but also we have opened up the dms for advice so if you would like to dm us and ask that

or even you know write it out in an email that is also a okay that is correct and uh if you're going to send us an email or a dm please also keep it to 300 words or less but include all that information that megan shared and we have an update to our first write-in dm this is the update to the writer that is going to veterinary school in London and they're going to be long distance with their partner. London baby. And they said, thank you for the advice. Definitely aware this is a miserable long time. I will definitely have to keep in mind the communication challenges and how to be honest. We have a couples therapist and I will be getting a new therapist at school too. We have also recently been able to talk to other couples in a similar situation, vet and or

med school, that are doing long distance, and that helps. I will keep you guys updated. Thank you. Amazing. I look forward to hearing all about you and your veterinary school, and let me know if you hang out with any horses. Or Dr. Doolittle. So Dr. Doolittle, the book? Yeah, the book. That's i'm referring to uh-huh um yeah so let us know if there's a doctor by the name of do little who is talking to the animals heart to heart snout to snout i do think every veterinary school needs that i i just think it's important somebody that just like knows what the animals are going through yeah like i just like it's the same way that like if you're like in medical school i think you need to have like a doctor there who is like i can sense with

this like something that's like campy and like intense and over the top that you're like whoa like just like throw a little bit of magic in there and we'll razzle dazzle i love a razzle dazzle i do i do that's what they call you razzle dazzle reagan oh rinks that that that i don't know why that didn't fucking i don't know razzle dazzle it's too much to say though yeah that's hard it's hard well wonderful and best of luck we're rooting for you in your relationship i don't want it to sound like we were and i don't think you didn't say that you felt like that but i just want to make sure that you know that you know we are rooting for you and if you need advice when it's happening we're here go to nando's that's what i'm like

what else about london rain oh fish and chips if you're gluten-free fantastic fantastic gluten-free options lots of fries tesco tikka masala they claim that's their national fire fire fucking indian food if you're like me and you can't handle um coconut just be near a bathroom i was watching this video of someone from london and they were talking about how well i don't know if they're from london specifically someone from the uk and they're talking about how the uk doesn't have culture they just stole everybody else's culture which you know melissa i've gotten in trouble from british people who talk shit on americans and i go it's your fucking people who came over here yeah i did this i'm like i'm not from here i'm

from your fucking place like you can't say that like we're the origin it's like nah this was not ours and the collective us who came from where you currently reside came here and snatched all this shit up i was stolen so no this is a personal experience i am only speaking for me and other people who and half of yours was that oh yeah the other half wasn't it has to be that too it's the shitty fucking half yeah surprisingly who would have thought the mayflower side nasty people nasty fucking people um so how did we get here oh british people british yeah helen this isn't about you don't worry she knows we're just name dropping with different listeners if you want to if you join our patreon you can be name dropped too once we get to know you

exactly you know and you could be like a mary mary started getting named very early like if you've got like if you've got like a personality like and you're someone like you're memorable mary's gonna listen to this and go oh god why what do you mean memorable she is memorable well well well so let's take a break and then when we get back we're gonna get into our first call it sounds like a wonderful plan and we're back here we go roll the tape hi megan i'm melissa so i'm just gonna get right into it my best friend wants me to go to her brother's wedding that she is a bridesmaid in i am not close with her brother but i do know him and want to be supportive of my friend she also is very

involved in planning things and wants a lot of my ideas because i helped her with her wedding i was totally foregoing to the wedding until it dawned on me that one of my exes who was also her x very long and messy story i will not get into will not only be there but he is a groom let me please stress that this is probably one of the most insufferable people on planet earth he's a trump supporter he's manipulative he's probably is a narcissist and has mocked me and put me down for having feminist views now she has not dated him for about 10 years but my most recent encounter with him was two years ago where we had a fling and we would hook up but I ended up ghosting him because he was so insufferable and I came to my senses. He's the type of person to walk up to you

and start shit in front of God and everyone else. Being that I'm not close with the brother obviously it is more important for my ex to be there than it is for me there which is totally fine it's his right it's his wedding I told her that I would not go and that she could count me out she thinks I'm being immature and I just need to get over it and I told her it's really not an event worth just getting over it for if it were somebody I was close to or best friends with or a family member I totally would put my feelings aside for this person and put a smile on my face but I genuinely will be uncomfortable and anxious with this man being at this wedding and I honestly don't find it worth it if I'm not there she's the only person that will probably

care that I'm not there and honestly don't even really know why she wants me there so bad I'm not close with the bride and the groom I've had dinners with them and their family a few times had some conversations but by no means was I on the top of the guest list I really am essentially a plus one she said that I could maybe bring a date if that would make me more comfortable but i'm not seriously dating anyone and i don't want to explain to somebody i recently met this situation and have them there and be in the middle of this especially because i'm almost certain that this guy will come up and approach me and try to get on my nerves am i being unreasonable what should i do what should i say to her to convince her that i just i don't want to be there and get

her to understand thanks bye-bye i want to hear the messy well first of all kudos to you for making that call two minutes and 59 seconds perfectly timed out second i want to know the gory details of how y'all both dated the same person it seems like it was like yeah years apart but still i want to know i know and like if you're on patreon you would have seen this as soon as you're like you're not gonna get into that both of us like oh god like no because we weren't like give us give us that you were at 259 but so we understand we appreciate the promptness yes question i'm not completely judging you but i'm just asking i was just saying all the things that we said while this call was playing so if you dated him well the last time you hooked up i'm

guessing you dated sometime before then and then you had a little flank hook up two years ago this would have been after trump was elected and you knew his thoughts and feelings about the insurrection that sent it over the edge yeah i'm just curious question and then my other question is you said that you helped your friend plan their wedding so is her husband gonna be there and if so why does she need you there so that's a wonderful point that i did not think about wow yeah that's a very very very very very good point i mean like all the things that you started saying at the end were like all the questions i had written down like why do they want you there and you're like i don't know why like i'm literally just like a glorified plus

one and i don't know how old you guys are because as someone who has said that uh i would do jury duty every week if it meant i could go with a friend like i like there are so many things that i'm like i don't go to the dmv alone like there are certain things where i'm like i love a buddy system i love bringing i love bringing a friend to come along to do something that i want to do especially for something that like i need to do but this is also her family so like right you have family members will be there like she's like and even if she doesn't like this it's the same vibe as if anyone's ever been to a wedding as a plus one of someone who's in like the bridal or groom party or either side of the wedding planning yeah like you're literally chilling by your

fucking self yeah she's gonna it seems like maybe since she's helped planning the wedding that she wants you to help in with the fucking she wants you with a fucking clipboard and a little earpiece a little earpiece running around and doing things that a wedding planner should be doing yeah she's gonna tell you to wear all black and sensible shoes yeah and she's not specifying it as that she's trying to make it seem like you're a guest no pay you in cake yeah um i wouldn't go there's just there's so many things that are happening that man even with her like acting like that yeah other people's weddings like if you once you've been to a wedding you've been to them all yeah so tell her to get over it in a nice way if you want to be nice i don't think

you can do anything or say anything to convince her get her to understand her point of view like she's she's just one track mind she's choosing not to so like don't waste your time and energy trying to get her to understand your side just like it's not up for debate like you just tell her one more time like i'm just letting you know that like i am just not gonna go um and like very like you know thankful for the invite but like i'm just not comfortable with it and then if she tries to bring it up again just then say i've already brought this up this we've already talked to this over and over again like i'm truly really done talking about this so like it is what it is and if you do keep bringing it up like i'm just gonna change the subject and like move on because

it's done so i just think it's it's that we don't have to be understood by other people you know as much as it feels like it'd be make it a lot easier some people are just committed to misunderstanding yep again i think it's really because she just wants somebody there to help her and to that i say tell her to hire a task rabbit looking to hire a task rabbit will be paid in cake task i don't be like sorry no no what about dough you could make me a dough not cake all right next call i'm hanging out with moths way too much it was such a moth's joke hi um i have been with my partner i'm a 27 that needs she her pronouns i've been with my partner who's 26 needs if he him pronouns for about five years things are going really well he is the love

of my life. I am neurotypical and he, though he doesn't have a formal diagnosis, there's a lot of suspicion that he has ADHD and he's not interested in being medicated for it, which I think is a great fit for him. But what I'm calling in about is that he has really debilitating time blindness to the extent where he gets very upset when he is late for things or when we are late for things. So, for example, you know, we'll have an event at 6 p.m. and at 4 p.m. I'm saying, okay, we're going to have to leave at 5.30. And then at 5, okay, we're going to have to leave in half an hour.

And then, okay, we're going to leave in 15 minutes. And then he's like, oh, I know I need to hop in the shower sort of thing. But then when we are late to things because everyone else is ready to go and waiting on him he knows that everyone's late because of him and while it's really not that big of a deal like it has run into some issues at work with him being late to things but it's not that he doesn't want to be he just genuinely has such bad time blindness but I don't know my brain doesn't work like that so I don't know what to do I was wondering if you had any advice for helping with time blindness for people who have adhd and potentially how people in their

lives can help support them without feeling like overwhelming or or almost like they're mothering them um because no one likes that yeah thanks so much i look forward to hearing your advice boy oh boy this could not be better this has been a topic of conversation i mean this is like my literal life story but this has been something that with moths like we've been having these conversations about like me telling him what i what i need for him to do and he has said and your phrasing of this is like pretty much exactly what he said where it's like i don't want to come across like parenting in the sense of like feeling like you're being overbearing or all of that kind of thing and in very few cases and this is one of them i am a big believer and proponent and you

obviously have to talk to your partner about this first that this is one of the things where I want you to go too far and then I'll tell you to scale it back because I've never lived a life without time blindness but like it is incredibly frustrating because like for me when I have like an I've had an audition that I had to go in person to like in order to be on because I cannot be late for auditions and in order to be on time for auditions I would have to get there about an hour and a half early and sit in my car because that's the only way that i know that i'm not going to to be late like i can't even i can't be half an hour early i can't be 10 minutes early like i either i'm going to be very fucking early or i'm gonna be late but when you have someone

assisting you and helping you in that like i am much more on time to record the podcast now that moss works from home because he helps me out in the morning and like to get ready and like i'm not late for doctor's appointments as much like when he's home and he can help me out with that stuff this fucking happens and the the shame of it afterwards and feeling because it makes you feel like really fucking stupid because if someone doesn't experience it even though people a lot of people aren't judging you like it is just one of those things when your brain just works differently and you don't have you've never lived it any way else so it's really hard to explain to someone because you're like well i don't know what it's like to not have this

so it's hard so something for months that I've told him that like it's helpful for me and I do this where it's like I need to set timers so when I have this timer go off that means I need to do this task and like I'll write down all the tasks I have to do before I have to leave the house and for some of them that might take like more energy or more time or that I might accidentally lag in and like stay spend more time doing then ones can get shifted to before so if it's like i have to have my bag packed to go somewhere i'm gonna pack that before and have that done before and then setting those timers and then those timers being labeled with what they are and then also just like having another person around in the room at the same time or in the

at the house at the same time as we're doing this so like he can he can see that but the thing that i've said before where it's like telling someone that like okay you have this much time left for me and you have to talk to him but like what's more helpful but like for me i also not good at math and numbers and stuff and so it's like okay so if you're saying that like this thing starts at this time what time we have to leave the house by what time do we have to get in the car by and especially for like people who are neurotypical sometimes like oh i don't i mean i for me like i need someone to be like really exact and literal so if someone says like we're gonna leave at like six then my mind i'm going okay so i have to be ready at six and then at 5 45 like you're ready

to go and i'm like but it's not six yet like there is this kind of like rigidness in a brain like that where it might feel like it's very floaty on all up in the air but saying like okay cool so you have to shower you do this like how long does it take to shower like how are those things and i get overwhelmed really easily and so having those things laid out beforehand so it's not like there's always going to be enough time like having those conversations about like what needs to get done and then calculating how long it like how long it is until that but i do think that i it is much more helpful to me for someone to be on top of me about the time and me to say i've got it don't worry i'm on it versus them not saying something and then me realizing we're late and

feeling like no one told me because it's like if that feels more infant like infantilizing in a way that it feels like i'm not choosing to do this and so when someone doesn't say something about it then sometimes it can feel like oh shit do you think i like that was an active choice and then you feel like an asshole and it feels like oh like that we just assume that that's what you intended to do and it's and it's not but again like like i think this is one of the few things that going more heavy-handed first and then scaling back i find more helpful but you'd also have to have a conversation with him and he doesn't he might not know like i'm still learning all the time like what is helpful and like what works for me and it changes yeah my mom she has

time blindness and i just lie about what time she has to be places i'll vary it 30 45 minutes i'll just lie yeah i do do it for you too and i didn't think about that yet no i love it so yeah so that's how i handle it just say this is the time and then like if they show up you know earlier it's like great now we have extra time but if they don't we that was the time that we have anyway yeah i i think like removing any sort of like accommodations aren't um like belittling like they're helpful and i think like there's still a lot of like um stigma and uncomfortability people have with like disabilities and stuff and so it's like a lot of like tiptoeing around some like people and like people with disabilities like and in that way i'm like that's actually

feels shittier than just acknowledging that like oh you this is something you need more help with this is your adjusted time just like in uh golf you know they adjust scores based on your ability and this is what i do with time i mean and like melissa like if we if something's on a monday there's a reason why we do not record the podcast on a monday and it's because like i cannot be i don't i don't set appointments on monday i don't do shit on monday because like i will not remember after like if i like it just won't it's a catch-up day for me like a monday is like other people's sunday and if we are recording on a monday melissa will text me sunday night saying reminder we're recording tomorrow oh and then you'll say something in

the morning too with that kind of stuff and there's a i have never felt like any of those things are like being like nagging or parentified at all like again those are like accommodations and how you act and like if you care for someone the act of being inclusive and helpful for them and something that they struggle with that when it comes from a person who loves you like it comes from like love and you feel that and so I think that the tiptoeing around things makes people also feel at least for me makes me feel far more like a liability and a burden in a way as opposed to like it's just like this is just like how I am because like that's a big issue with oh I know he's undiagnosed at this point but like it's a really big issue of a lot of people the adhd

myself included like sometimes you just feel like am i just like a really bad person like am i just a bad person like am i just a bad like are these like character flaws and then it's like oh no this is actually your brain and these are those differences there but like there's like a lot of people who like you don't know that for a while until you get diagnosed or you get more uh knowledge about what you might be going through so if you love the person it comes from a place of love as long as you're listening and like adjusting accordingly but yeah it's this is i'll make mods listen to this one because you like keep saying i was like no i just need you to go so fucking hard you know for raw myths and but he's like oh my god you're ready so early now

and i'm like there's only two fucking options my god but also like don't say that you're early like i feel like don't say it until after you've reached that location and be like oh we got here a little bit earlier or you look and you think that you're like okay they're almost done they're like totally ready i'm like you don't know what's going through my brain like i'm like seeing a craft that i'm like oh let me finish this thing or like oh this is a little messy let me tidy this up like until my seat is buckled and i'm in the car i'm not done like i'm like i'm not ready you know yep all right let's take a break we're back from our break oh my gosh hi let's get into our next call i'm megan melissa i am

21 she her i have a situation happening at work that i would like your advice at all i am an esthetician at a spa and i have a client that i saw the first thing she asked me was if i at the church. I told her no and she asked me why and I just said I don't feel comfortable talking about personal conversations like that. She continued to push and push and pretty much preached to me the whole time. Something you should know about me is I am severely anxious and I am terrified of confrontation. I will avoid it at all costs. So this conversation made me very uncomfortable but I just sat there and said mm-hmm because I didn't want any kind of confrontation. I've seen her two times since then and each time I told her I don't feel

comfortable talking about this and I would rather just talk about skincare and she has ignored it and continued to preach and try and convert me. She has said some borderline homophobic stuff like comparing homosexuality to bestiality. That's not really borderlining but you know what I mean and she just continues and pushes and pushes no matter how many times I say no I'm not comfortable. I also have a lot of religious trauma from my dad who was very religious and tried to shove that down my throat my whole life. So this whole situation just gives me flashbacks. Anytime I ask my fellow estheticians about this situation, they kind of just tell me

I need to be more upfront and aggressive when I'm talking to her, but I have a really hard time doing that. So I would like some advice on that. i am a libra sun cancer moon and rising thank you so can you just like rip her face off with a chemical peel so she never comes back as a christian who does not attend church and will not be attending church unless i find one that aligns with all my beliefs i hate when people ask me about church and then try to preach to me and that that's so freaking annoying but you are providing a service and you have the right to refuse service to anyone so are you

in a position where you can just refuse her service or you can refuse your service to her because she'd be on your block list yeah and you can also just like if this is like one of those things where like you're not getting all the money like part unless you're i don't know how it works in spas or like like med spas at esthetician offices if it's like hairstylists where it's Like you, you know, you could either pay a chair, like a chair fee, like you pay that kind of thing. And then those are your clients and you're able to set your own prices. Or if you're getting a percentage of the costs of what your clients are paying and you also

get paid salary. So I would say like if it's the latter, then you can scheduling wise, you should be able to just like pass her off to somebody else and be like, yeah, I'm not interested in continuing to to do this and you can do that for like literally any reason even if you don't vibe with someone like you don't have to to to do that i think like any aesthetic services and even like hairstyling makeup like those are intimate like it's touching and all of that shit so like my threshold of like people's behavior is so so much smaller because i'm literally touching your face like i'm like we're close we're in each other's space this is very intimate um this isn't like

a boardroom and we're across the table like it's it's one-on-one so I would also say like if you like need to kind of build up to that like can you wear headphones and just like not like if you don't have the ability to not drop her as a client which I think you do and even if your job tells you you can't I would look up the laws of that I would also you know if you're in a position where you're like she sucks but like I need the money and I don't have any other clients to fill this space i would offer a new technique that is a uh lip mask and then just tape her mouth so that's actually a great call because i look at those fucking facial videos on tiktok all the time and like they'll do those little lip masks and that's how you start it yeah and that's amazing

and then or maybe and maybe you even do a playlist that you have and you and throw like oh you're listening to like a podcast like something along the lines of or like a hypnosis tape where like she falls asleep she let you lull her into a sleep like that um and then when you wake her up keep the face mask on and then do really painful extraction you know like i'm not saying like get dinged from like the board where it's like you can get fucked up by like truly burning her face off and a medical malpractice kind of thing it's not medical but like a malpractice too but you know we've all had facials from someone was like it kind of it wasn't the greatest so you know you can also drive her away by pretending to be bad or also just getting some lip mask because that

could hurt other business like she could work to get around you know that's true no melissa's giving you the better i think i think i don't want to like get you in trouble and say like it doesn't necessarily have to be an actual mess but there are things like you just put on her mouth and be like like honey maybe i don't know what's cheap that's not gonna get in like cut into your bottom line where you can just put it on her mouth and tell her you can't move your lips during the duration of this no but like those those like sheet ones that cover that's just like a little mouth shape one perfect or even like you know use one of those nice cloths and lay it over her mouth oh i love this little cloth yeah and just breathe deep through your nose this is just a relaxing

treatment we're gonna stay really quiet and then anytime she talks go and then and then put your finger across drag your finger across from her nose down to her mouth and go and maybe like sing some like lullabies and like the itsy bitsy spot just like weird and then do like the spider on her face and then crack an egg on your head and then and then pull out a watch and go you are getting very sleepy so just take from this what you yeah we've given you a lot of options but yeah this would piss me off the hook too all right next call hi megan and melissa i'm 22 years old and my pronouns are she her. I have been dating casually since I started college, mainly because I was traveling between

states constantly and I was also going to study abroad in college. During that time, I still went on dates and had a few situations. Some ended well, but most didn't. I am now in a more stable place and have a full-time job. I'm in a new city and I really want to find someone for something serious. I have put myself out there, gone on dates, been on the apps, and even got set up by a friend. But that really did not end well. I feel like there's always something that doesn't match well with me and the other person, like big things like rallies or deal breakers, for example, like certain types of recreational drug use that I don't agree with. Or things like they end up ghosting me, or saying that they are not interested.

I've also noticed that a lot of my ex-situationships ended up finding long-term partners right after me. Granted, some of them I did tell them I was not looking for something serious, while others I said I was just going with the flow, just like they also told me. Now, I do say I am looking for a relationship. I want to make that clear. I cannot help but ask myself if I'm the problem since I've been the common denominator in all these situations. I've talked about addiction therapy and with my friends, but not really had big answers. I have truthfully asked myself if there might have been anything wrong with me. The only thing I can think of is maybe coming off too strong at first, but at the same time, I don't think I was.

I think I was just reading what I was looking for and really trying to get to know people deeper. How can I find love in a big city? Is there something I should do for self-reflection slash correct anything? How can I feel comfortable with myself while in this journey? I like spending time with myself. find I spend a lot of time with myself but I get pretty in my head when I see couples acting very cute in the street or when I'm doing something that me and someone that I saw as a potential partner have talked about doing that I was really looking forward to but then it didn't happen

because everything ended the advice that you provide would be very helpful thank you I wish you would have told us how long this has been like so like Melissa if you could deduce when do you graduate how old are you when you graduate college usually 22 oh so like it's just recent like i and that's the thing is like you're still so young like i don't and i'm not trying to be like ageist or anything but you're at in a transitional point where like people are figuring out who they are and what they want and you know i know like you see other people in relationships and stuff and But they might not be as clear in their thought of who they want as a partner where you are like, you know what you want, you know who you want, you know how you want them. And so that's like it's going to make the pool a little bit more narrow. And that's OK. Like the pool is narrower, but like you'll have somebody that's a better fit for you. A higher ratio of success.

Yes. Once that person comes along. Yeah. And I think you also you actually don't know what the relationship status is of people that you see. So like you don't know that those people are not in situationships like you don't know that it's like, you know, not exclusive or you don't know like you don't know that that's what you want at all. like you could be seeing and like longing after people who are in situations that you have explicitly said you don't want to be in but from the outside like it looks very different it takes time like the it all it it doesn't work out until it does and it only has to work out like once and so it can be difficult when you see people who seemingly are have been in more serious relationships and have like gone from a more serious relationship to another more serious relationship um but that doesn't determine like the quality of those relationships nor does it

determine the quality of each person's character or you're lacking something that they they have and there's like kind of like a a trick truly the trick if you want to be in a serious relationship quickly and immediately is to and i i mean this seriously and i'm not giving you this advice but like seriously it is to lower your standards and that's not what you want to do and so there is no secret other than that so like there there are and i'm not saying that anyone you see who gets into relationship relatively quickly like has low standards but you also don't know what those you don't know if they're lowering their personal standards to be with this person and is it because they don't want to be lonely or is it because they're drawn to this person for some reason like

whatever it is you just you can't know that and like once i said like your gift right now is like you really know yourself and you really know what you want and that that's like the pinnacle that's the ultimate like that's what you want and that's how like you will end up in a relationship that like is a great relationship and you will be with someone who you're really compatible with who wants the same things as you do but that does mean that you are probably going to wait a little bit longer and you're going to date some duds and you're going to have a little bit more of that experience but you know i i think like both sides of the experience of dating around and getting rejected and learning those lessons and then learning lessons in a relationship through

that kind of conflict both of those are unavoidable and everybody's going to get them at some point or the other and i think like some people who date around they learn a lot of that shit like it it's it's front loaded on that and they do a lot of that first and then they get in a relationship you know they know themselves a little bit more they know how to work through those conflicts and then you go into your relationship conflicts and then other people have the relationship conflicts first and then they go out and they start dating and then it's like okay like you know like i i i am nailed like dating in a relationship kind of complex like i'm great at that but if you told me to like get back out there and like start dating again like i would

not be i would not be good on a first date like i would be like you it's just a matter of like we're all getting that experience but we don't know when we're gonna get it yeah so if you want to date just like to like if you want just those experiences where you just want to just like have fun with somebody then like don't date to be in a relationship but that's what you want so like if you just want to go like find a friend someone of the opposite sex that you may be like attracted to but not necessarily see as like a long-term because that's kind of lowering what you want in a long-term partner you can go do that if you want to do it but like if that's not what you want to do then hang tight you'll find the right person yeah but it really does just take time

like i was single for a year like i would say like my last serious relationship before like that i dated someone more than three months was in high school and then motts like so you know and like i went on some dates there but there are other times where it was like i am not enjoying dating i'm not enjoying the dating pool and i'm getting like discouraged like i'm not gonna date for a bit and like that's also okay like it's not something that like you have to keep at it or the person who you're supposed to be with like you just have to keep swiping and eventually you'll come like your mindset matters more than anything and i firmly believe that on both sides of it like when people say you know like the next person that they got in really like that they hooked up with

or whatever and this happened to me in college and it like devastated me that like this guy like was ready to be in a relationship and he was like and i was like what the fuck like what does she have that I don't and it becomes this whole thing and it's like it has nothing to do with her and had nothing to do with me it had everything to do with his mindset so if you burn yourself out and you're in a shitty mindset you're you're going to miss someone who's amazing and great because you're just not going to have the energy or the capacity because you have completely burned yourself out like dating is difficult and I think anyone who says like dating should constantly be fun is a little naive like I think the bulk of dating you should walk away with like okay that

was fun and if you're miserable you shouldn't endure it because there is there is no uh tangible reward at the end of it and it can really discourage you and make you feel bad about yourself but i think it's like it's a real you have to pace yourself with that because people are exhausting like bad dates can like they can wreck your confidence or they can you know make you feel icky or whatever it is but it's not like a sprint it's it's like a race and it also might help and i've given this advice to like friends before where it's like sometimes you like need to like take a break from like watching couple videos on tiktok or like watching rom-coms like sometimes you need to watch like a movie about divorce like sometimes you need to like have like a little bit

of a dose of a reality check there and also know that especially if your friends are in relationships relationships if they are mature and adult and like learning from this they're not going to tell you they're going to tell you the good things although they're not always going to tell you all of the bad but you know i i wouldn't lower your standards at all or like adjust it and i think there i don't really believe in something is like coming on too strong unless you're like creeping someone out and like you're like making someone feel like unsafe or uncomfortable but i think a lot of the time women think they're coming on too strong because they say that they want a relationship and then like that's not too strong at all like it's just men who are just like no i

want to fuck so like you saying they want a relationship it's like a little intense it's like that's not it like i've had going into it winning the same thing yeah and like and i think that like it might feel like an uphill battle but like i have like straight guy friends who have literally been like i really want a girlfriend like i and like they'll talk to her and the girl's like oh i just want something casual he's like oh i'm looking for something more serious and then people be like oh no i actually am too but like i didn't want to come on too strong and i didn't think you would say that so like guys do say those those things and you don't have to like like pry it out of them or think like people who are emotionally mature

and transparent will be that from the start you won't have to discover that after like date six or seven or eight you know yep but you've got all the time perfect amazing wonderful well we hope you all enjoyed this episode of don't blame me if you did you can leave us a review either on the podcast app or head over to spotify and don't forget if you're a patreon listener a patron a follower watcher a watcher now you can be a patreon listener through spotify different kind of voyeurs hey and yeah don't forget to give us a call uh send us voice memos and again dm they're open for that as well as our email if you would like some advice anything else that is it megan wonderful amazing well we hope you all enjoyed and um we'll see you next time goodbye goodbye

don't blame me as a production by me megan rinks and me melissa d months plus diamond imprint productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.