Don't Blame Me! - Found A Sibling w/ Candice King

Episode Date: February 6, 2023

TW: Gun Violence - Call 4 We have our first guest in years! Actor and friend Candice King joins us for part of the episode, but don't worry, she'll be back again soon! They give advice on: Finding something unexpected in your genealogy test Not living up to your mother's dream Having your first kiss Being threatened by your uncle Update: Regifting Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everyone welcome back to another episode of don't blame me and this has our first guest in years three years minimum yeah like we stopped doing guests in the pandemic uh-huh and that was 2020 yeah yeah i remember who our last guest was me too it's seared into my brain because are you allowed to say yeah yeah becca martinez okay and it's not because of her it's because becca and i together were like what the fuck is this covid shit and melissa was like no it's gonna be really serious becca and i're like it's gonna be fine and then melissa like was and we recorded like two weeks before they come out and melissa was just like i just want to let you know i'm doing you guys a massive solid and i'm cutting all this fucking bullshit out i was like oh cool great

thank you so much yeah it was a little chaotic i knew i knew she did she did and i i will never not listen ever again to melissa so our fantastic very overdue guest we should have had you on so long ago candace king hello it's so good to see you guys people were so excited that you were coming on and that makes me so happy because I adore you and I like I reference you all the time to people when I talk about like just like wonderful like women in Hollywood and how LA is not so jaded and awful as everyone says and if anyone I feel like maybe I've mentioned on the podcast before yeah but like a quick thing like so we are the same management company and like I had like just started off like with them and I was like pretty recent to like being in LA full

time I dropped out of college I was like 20 something like that and they were asking me like oh like what tv shows do you like like what like whatever do you like and I was like I mean I like Vampire Diaries but like I love Candace as like Caroline like that is like my dream role she's so good at it like it's so great and they're like oh well like she's here like do you want to like meet her sometime and I was like oh my god sure and they introduced us and within like 10 seconds you were like okay take a picture and we sat down you're like do you have any friends in LA like how was like going on like you just moved here and you're like i'm only here for this amount of time but like i've got all these friends here and like you literally were like i'll pick you up this

weekend and we'll like drive over there and we'll do a photo shoot with mumu and you'll like meet all these people and like you were it was like you just like popped in and we're like okay i'm gonna like help this floundering young girl and like set her up with like very nice genuine people in la and like i i just i i die and it's like what i always use to reference for people who are like like la is so cutthroat and you know women don't support each other and all of that I was like, literally, Candice met me. And within like 15 seconds, you're like, Oh, let me introduce you to like all of my friends. So you have friends. I was like, you're the kindest. Oh, man. All of that is, first of all, that's very, very kind of you to say. And it's of course,

like I remember getting to LA and it's really difficult to not know anyone. And I was really lucky to just by happenstance meet incredible young women. You know, some our paths veered off and we went in different directions but still it was just very valuable friendships to my life just on like a soul level and then not feeling alone at certain times and then other women who I'm still friends with today and so I feel like I've gotten like the lucky side of that and that it's just like this constant like karmic return back to other like amazing like women that I meet like truly I love that you're even able to meet other you know new people who come to LA and be like no no no this exists you're fine let me let me introduce you to people because it is really

that simple and and I'm so grateful that not only did I receive that when I got to LA but even when you know the Vampire Diaries was my first big job like that was my first really big consistent job and getting there and then seeing you know a wonderful world in which we were you know as was the small group of women on the set we were really good friends like I just came back from a weekend at the lake and all of my very close you know friends we all met through that job in one way or another whether someone was on the crew in our lighting department or you know they were assistants for someone or they were you know within the production team like we all really bonded and and that can also come from the top and Julie Plek is another great example of she

you know is represents you know this person with this woman within the industry that also like loves to lift people up good people up and also you know encourage women to rise to the occasion so I just feel like humbled to be surrounded by all those women and I just want to be like them so then I just try to emulate that karmically into the world well you do though you do and I don't even think it's emulating I think it's just you existing because you're just a kind person guys guys what this is just thank you thank you thank you thank you and you also give the best hugs too and i don't like people touching me facts facts neither of us are we're not big touchy people but there are people we'll make exceptions for yeah and you're just like the best and you're

also you're also funny and like great and hilarious so we know that you're gonna give wonderful honest amazing advice and if anyone's new here this is an advice podcast where we you guessed it we give advice so you can call in leave a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners audio message megapodcast at gmail.com under three minutes write everything down practice make sure it's right and twight and then we give advice and melissa do we have credentials yes because what we don't have in like actual written diplomas we make up for in opinions so there we go and i actually do have credentials i am a level three member um from ucb improv so i feel like that gives me some sort of i was like did you get into scientology for a

And UCB level improv gives me some sort of leg up on how to navigate the world and say yes and. And say yes and. That's the biggest takeaway. And yeah, we're going to give some advice and hopefully not fuck up people's lives. But if we do, we literally wrote it in the show title that they can't blame us.

So it mostly means you can't sue us. Right. So shall we get into some of the calls? Let's do it. Hi Megan and Melissa. I apologize for my voice. I'm getting over a cold and this just couldn't wait. I'm calling in for an episode of Don't Blame Me. I'm 35 years old. Use she, her pronouns. I'm looking for advice on how to confront my mom, who's 68, that I just found out that she had a baby before me who she gave up for adoption and that person has now reached out to me for

more information. I'd been gifted a 23-me kit for my birthday back in September to get some information about my nationality and medical history. I'm not very close with my extended family since it's quite large and there's lots of conflict. I'm looking to start my own family in the next year or so so I was curious to see if there were any genetic disorders in my bloodline that I needed to be aware of and to pinpoint my nationality for curiosity's sake. On my dad's side I stopped talking to my father in my teenage years and my mother doesn't talk about their relationship or history before I came along. I saw my father off and on while I was growing up but we were never close so I don't have much background on his family or where he came from.

On my mom's side, I was raised by a single mom in an only child household. She has a total of 10 brothers and sisters, and only a fraction of them do we have any sort of relationship with. My grandmother was adopted, so we had an idea of her heritage, but nothing was documented, so we were curious about her nationality as well. When doing the test, I fully expected some cousins or extended family to show up in my tree, and I was lucky to receive my results while I was home visiting with my mom for the holidays. I opened them up and reviewed them with my mom and noticed that I had someone listed as my aunt.

Mom said that it was likely one of her or my dad's siblings that she doesn't know or doesn't speak to anymore since the name was private and we only had initials to go off of. We left it at that. It's now mid-January and I got a message from my aunt. She said that she did the test to find out her nationality because she was adopted as a baby

and didn't know any family history. And she wondered if I would be able to answer some questions about the family. I said, sure, I'll provide what I can, but I'm not close with most of my family, so I'm not sure I'd be much help. She asked my grandmother's name, which I provided, but it wasn't familiar to her and then she asked does the name blank mean anything to you she's

listed as my biological mother it was my mother's full first middle and last name a quick google search confirmed that a 25 dna match will show up on your report either as an aunt or uncle or a half sibling they make an educated guess as to what to label it as i deflected the conversation saying i'll take this back to my extended family to discuss and see if i can provide any info since I signed up for this and not them. I try not to let on that I knew on full well who that was. The advice I'm looking for is how do I bring this up to my mom? We don't have a very close relationship, but I'm trying to build that now that we're getting a lot older. How do you confront your mom and say, hey, so the baby you gave up for adoption found me on a DNA website and it's

looking for you? I had zero inkling that this was even a possibility. I was prepared to find some family drama or long lost cousins, not a half sister. I'm mainly concerned with the potential harm this could do to my mom it's clearly not something she was comfortable talking about openly in the past and this was over 40 years ago i feel guilty for dragging something up that she had long buried but i just can't sit with this information or not tell her what should i do holy fuck wow that's a lot it is a lot but it surprisingly happens a lot i know i know someone that this happened to so i mean i guess my first question is like i don't want to say that there's like maybe like a fluke in the system because I've seen so many people who've like done TikToks like

and then like reached out 23andMe and they're like no that's like actually like this isn't the fluke but like I would think that if like there was a possibility that this would come up like the mom didn't forget that she had another baby and gave the child up for adoption and she knew that you did 23andMe and then you read the results with her and all of that stuff so like I mean I guess like if there was a lot of hesitancy there from her for like wanting you to do it or like not wanting you to do it i would say that like if she seemed kind of open maybe she thought that those results would appear there at the moment and i think if she really didn't want you to fucking find out she wouldn't she wouldn't have encouraged you no and she like would have like

either not like put her foot down that you can't do it but she like certainly wouldn't have wanted to be around when you read the results so maybe she just doesn't know how to bring it up after but I mean I don't know you're you're a mom so like asking a parent something that like you know once you're older and you realize that like your parents are people and like they have complex lives before you like how do you navigate their feelings in that situation well I think there's two parts of this right one is the fact that we have to think i mean she said her mom is 65 so depending on how old this half sibling is you know whether that was in the 70s you know or or 60 you know or probably closer to 40 70s or 80s she said she was in her 40s so it happened

40 years ago okay so then then this was the 80s you know it's they have to think we don't know this mother's path. We don't know the situation she was put in. We don't know if there was, we don't know the situation, bottom line. And that is such a personal choice. And we don't know if there was what the reasons of the secrecy was and why she didn't feel like she could include that information as she walked through her own path in life with future partners or other family. Because it doesn't sound like any other extended families come out of the woodwork to bring this up in conversation. So there is, I think, obviously to what you're saying, like if this mother didn't want anyone to find it out, maybe wouldn't encourage 23andMe. But there is obviously

a due diligence, I think, to pass along this information because it's right there and it's just going to potentially haunt you if you don't. And you don't know, maybe it will lead to a potential relationship between this half-sibling and, you know, your mother, or maybe it won't and neither person will want to engage or one person won't want to engage. And the other part of this is also the fact that asking yourself, do you want to potentially open up the door for a relationship with this half-sibling? Because that is separate from your relationship with your mother. And I would say through walking down all of these kind of parallel paths, I could not highly recommend talking with a psychologist about processing

all of those emotions and also because I have a feeling again neither of us are professionals but I have a feeling this information not being shared to you in your childhood or even your adulthood actually has nothing to do with you and so it's being able to separate yourself from that so you're able to have your own individual relationship with your mother and also you know open or not open to a relationship with this half-sibling yeah yeah because it's like you went into this wanting to know more about your own genetics and any markers that you had like that was the whole point but you found out more information with maybe your mom didn't maybe your mom just thought that the information would be just the information about your dna because she was also adopted too

so or her um her mom her mom was adopted yes so your grandmother was adopted so maybe she just thought that was the information you were going to get back and not like relatives coming back and so when you write the results you're probably just reading yeah the information about your genetic makeup and then I would ask because my my mom did one after I did it and she because she didn't know that like you would find relatives she just wanted to know just like genetic makeup and then we found like some distant cousins and stuff but I would just kind of say like to her I would be like hey because also the caller doesn't have a close relationship to her mom either but just say i found this person whose birthday is blah blah blah and see just kind of how she reacts

from that and if again if like candace said if you want to have a relationship with her that's a completely separate relationship than what you have with your mother too and kind of figuring out what kind of relationship you'd want with this yeah older sibling yeah i have a friend who i don't even know if they did it through 23 and me or they found out somehow else but it's like i have like a my friend's parent they found out that they had a half sibling like way later in life and both of their parents are not around and he's like come into her life and my friend who like that's her like her like uncle one of her like uncles now it's been like great because like they're fostering a relationship like as adults and it's been like very beneficial to like both

of them and like they both kind of want to be involved like the same amount but then i also know people who like have half siblings who like they're not really involved like i have a half brother who i rarely rarely saw growing up like i joked that like my like godfather was more of like my half brother or my uncles like those are people I saw all the time like I have seen my brother and spent time with him like less than five times in my entire life but as we I got became an adult like you know I text my sister-in-law more like we like we talk a little bit more like in that thing and so family relationships like that aren't linear and they change regardless if you've known them if they're you've known them for your whole lives like relationships change

from like childhood to adulthood and like everyone's saying like your relationship with your mom is separate than your relationship with this part like with your half sister and the thing I would just make sure when you like talk to your mom basically like bringing up like I'm like there I have no judgment here like there's no shame there's no judgment like I don't know your story but I want to make sure if I like pursued a relationship or getting to know them that you don't have to tell me the entire like Candace was saying you don't have to tell me the entire like circumstance or situation that led to this decision. But I want to make sure that I know going into this how that I'm not actively going to hurt you if this was something that's like a

very like traumatizing or if there was something that went on here, like I'm on your side, like I'm here for you. And I want to make sure that like if I pursue an independent relationship with this person that I'm not doing it. And this came from a really hard place for you because, you know later on in life if that's something you do want to pursue because a child of a circumstance that was not great that's not the child's fault but um that's something that like i would make sure you know going into that that there's like no shame involved because even though her grandma her mom was adopted your grandma was adopted even now there's still a lot of unnecessary and i don't think like deserved shame in adoption and so that's something that to have sibling who also

will have trauma from being adopted and all of that like your and your mom will have trauma from giving up a child for like so there's a lot of things facilitating going on there that you don't need to be the mediator between that I just think you share the information right and then know that you can't solve or fix anything and then yeah talk to your therapist about it like do all of that stuff yeah and gabe dunn found a sibling in the same way and they spoke openly about it um and we did a podcast on just between us about it years ago when they first found their sibling so if you want to check that out then that's there i really want to do a 23andme i did it years ago and but it was an old email that i got locked out of oh now it i got no updates that's all i got was that

my eyes are sensitive to the sun and I, it makes me sneeze when I go into the sun. Wow. I got, I will tell anybody who listens that my dad grew up Irish Catholic and, um, the, you know, the Irish and he's old. So his parents are, they're long gone, but they are like old, old. So they, um, hated Italians in the very old school, Irish versus Italians. And my dad did the 23andMe after they passed and found out we were kind of Italian as well. And he was like, oh God, it's a fucking no. I was like, that's hilarious. But it does kind of make sense because the terminology, which Melissa and I talk about all the time, like someone needs to come up with a better one is like black Irish, which basically means you look like Sandy Cohen from the OC.

Like you have got thick black eyebrows and like olivey white, but like little more tan, low freckles, no red hair. And I was like, well, yeah, like how did they think? And it's supposed to be like you're from vikings or whatever and i was like well i mean we had to get the dark hair from somewhere because none of us have red hair or freckles so how are we irish yeah i gotta do i feel like i'm just learning a lot like i'm i'm just i've just started outlander so like obviously that's not ireland it's scotland but i just didn't realize like the history of like all the different countries and slash uk territories and it's very interesting yeah there's also a theory going on of my um friend group that uh and through the irish uh side of the viking sides might be part

mongolian because the i mean everybody is part mongolian because gang is going around raping everybody but that's big in the viking theories yeah i love this history turn yeah i'm part of my gang what can i say candace does a new one it's like oh my gosh i have a twin no that's just you this email address looks really familiar that'd be funny oh okay well should we get on the next let's go to the next we're about to get into the other call and uh candace had to dip we love her exponentially so she's not going to finish out this episode with us but that means that you essentially get a podcast with candace and then this little extra bit that you already got yeah so she's going to come back on for another episode

soon and give more advice so you got a taste you got a little little sprinkling of it and if you don't listen to her podcast super bloom then you maybe or you maybe you weren't a vampire diaries fan which what are you doing i told mods that's like our next show and i was like you're we got to get into this you're gonna love it but you got a sprinkling and a taste of how amazing and awesome she is but check out her podcast is super bloom it's really good produced amazingly yeah i've heard that producer is like so fucking coveted after and i have i've heard that like she's so beautiful so so stunning so sexy and that um brilliant yeah that she's like on the short list for like little short list she's like five foot tall you got like are you five feet tall i'm five

almost one okay i was gonna say i don't think you're five one almost one plus eight inches anyway um lies slander defamation anyways let's get into the next call hi megan and melissa i'm 22 years old and a senior in college i need advice on how to deal with a controlling parent my mom has always wanted me to go to medical school and become a doctor I realized last year that I no longer want to do that. This summer, I worked an internship in a different industry and got a full-time job offer. I don't necessarily have a dream job or a huge passion towards one field, but I'm happy with this job and think it would be a good first step.

I recently told my mom about the offer and she lashed out at me. She said some very hurtful comments, like she wishes she never had me. She repeatedly tells me that she's extremely disappointed in me, that I cannot do anything besides medicine and that I should not make such a stupid decision. She says that even though she knows I don't want to go into medicine, I will come around to it later. My mom mainly wants me to go into medicine because it was her childhood dream and she values the stability and financial security that the job provides. It is very upsetting to me that my mom does not value my happiness and does not want to support me. In addition, as a first generation immigrant, I feel

like there is an expectation that I must pay back my parents for their sacrifices. I also do not believe going no contact with my mom is an option since I do love her and we do have our good moments and I am also still financially dependent on her. How do I feel more secure and not following the path she wants for me and how do I deal with the external pressure? Although I know I should do what I want, it is extremely exhausting to have to deal with her constant passive-aggressive comments. Even when I tell my mom I don't want to discuss career things anymore and establish boundaries, she constantly breaks those boundaries and continues to bring up the career issue. She's also making me feel doubt about my decision, and sometimes I wonder if I should just go to

medical school. I'm reaching a breaking point and would appreciate any advice. I am in therapy, would but would just love to hear your guys's opinion thank you this sucks like i feel i feel for you this is like a really difficult thing i mean the things that she's saying are inexcusable and like really fucked up uh and i very much relate to that so just know that like that's an unacceptable unacceptable things to say to like anyone and it's like an unacceptable thing to say to your kid and what your mom's kind of demonstrating right now is that like her love is conditional and that's why you're like feeling pressure and that's why you're doubting yourself because you've said that like you i mean you can't go no contact because you're financially

dependent on her which is valid like that's like a completely valid thing i would never encourage someone to go no contact with when that's not a circumstance like it's a privilege to be able to be in a circumstance where you you can do that and I like acknowledge that in my own life but that wasn't the case for like a long period of time and you're not at the at that point but when you're saying things like you know we have our good moments I would guess that that's when you are doing what she wants and you are feeling that love because her love at this moment and it seems historically has been conditional and so I can understand the feeling of oh am I wrong for not wanting to do this because if I'm doing what she wants she's nice to me and we have a

good relationship because she's reinforcing that where it goes you might it might not be the right decision for you but if she can show you gratitude for that and show you like niceness and love and that that can kind of make you be like oh maybe she was looking out for me and maybe this was the right call for me but the reason why she's doing that is because I'm doing what she wanted and now I'm feeling accepted and loved from her. So am I confusing that between what's right for me and what's easier on me psychologically? I mean, you said it yourself

that like you try and set boundaries and she breaks them. And the advice I'm going to give you is not like, I don't think what a therapist would say, but when you're in a circumstance where you can acknowledge that it's like an unhealthy relationship, but you actually can't do anything about it because you're financially dependent

on them you have to choose or at least for me like I choose my battles and I choose the lesser of evils and circumstances and I disengage and try and not try and make the relationship something that it's it's not and I think for medical school I think that is where I would put my foot down because it's a lot it's really taxing emotionally and a lot of people struggle with really bad mental health dealing with getting their doctorate even just graduate school further education like school is a really high stress environment and it's really cutthroat and the competitive nature can really really put a lot of people in a dark place and when you don't want to be there to begin with. I don't think you're starting off on solid footing and solid ground that you can

ensure that you will be able to then set boundaries in your school life to look out for your present and future mental health. I don't think that that's a good way to kind of start off with that. But I guess the question is, like, are you going to be cut off if you don't go to medical school or is it the comments but also medical school is not a guarantee that you'll get in it's not a guarantee that you'll pass the MCAT so let's just say you don't pass the MCAT yeah maybe just don't pass the MCAT so I was pretty much like taught my whole life you're going to medical school or dental school or some type of medical some type of medical field and then when I got to college, I was like, that's not what I want. I took a dental class. I absolutely

hated it. And I was very scared to tell my parents. They're different than your parents that they were supportive. But again, you, you have to be able to get into medical school. So even if you have the best of grades, there's no guarantee that you can get into medical school. so i would say just do what you can and if you don't pass the mcats you can't get into medical school yep like she's gonna be unhappy like there's only one circumstance in which she's happy and that's you go to a medical school that she thinks is good enough you graduate from medical school you get your residency you're practicing as a physician or whatever whatever field that she wants you to go into at that point her love's not on the other side of that right

like it will be something else and even if you're able to do all of those things exactly how she wants you to flawlessly which is completely unlikely you even if you go to a medical school like you do everything that seems like it's going to be enough even if all of those things are exactly how she wanted it's going to be something else like it's going to be another thing because this is just how she is interacting with you and then it's it's not going to click for you and it's not going to be like oh okay suddenly our relationship is good and I see value in myself and I know how to set boundaries with other people in my life and it's about managing and mitigating a relationship until you are at the point emotionally and financially when you can decide

how you want to move forward yeah like you can't set clear boundaries when you rely on someone and they are holding your housing or your food or or anything over your head but if you are 21 which i mean you are 21 i'm not saying if you are 21 you're are 22 so you're i'm guessing about to graduate and let's say you don't pass the um mcats and then you start working in the fields that you want to work in but you're still studying for the mcats you know so you're working in that feel that you actually want to work in and you gain your financial your financial independence and then guess what you don't have to keep studying for the MCAT yeah like the only way that you're going to like feel more confident in your decision making is when you start making

decisions on your own and lying is a decision to make on your own no but you don't necessarily have to lie about this but like i think that if you know what she wants to hear and you know that like you know whether it's a white lie or just like not totally telling the truth if it's gonna save you a fight say it like you gotta do what you need to do in that you need to ensure that you're building a safety net and you're building money that you can take away because it's exhausting to try and set boundaries with someone when you you don't have everyone should be able to set boundaries but like when you're in a relationship that is not healthy and it's toxic and you depend on that person you're not able to set boundaries and so the one thing i will say is that like when

there is one person in your life who is like stamp like stampeding over all of your boundaries treating you really really horribly as much as like you want it to be isolated into this one like dark corner that it doesn't affect any other part of your life in your relationships it does and the best way to kind of stretch that muscle of building boundaries and making your own choices and making your own decisions is to seek out new friends and new relationships and like whether it's dating and things like that,

I have to say that like when I cut the toxic person out of my life, everyone else that was toxic in my life, just it crumbled away because I suddenly, it was like my prefrontal core. I mean, that didn't happen until a couple of years later, but it was like a light switch where it was, everybody took their masks off

and they'd always been like that, but I just couldn't see it because I had justified and tolerated or just dealt with this other behavior from somebody else for so long that suddenly it was like, my, I had no tolerance for fucking bullshit anymore. And I didn't even realize in some other relationships

where that's those same kind of patterns and behavior was showing up. So if I was in your circumstance with, if I was in my situation, but financially in your circumstance and with like medical school and all the things that you're currently dealing with, I would have said what I needed to say

in the conversation to avoid a fight, whether that was 100% truthful or not. And I would know that I am doing that because that's an act of self-love for me. I'm not doing it to defy like a parent. I'm not doing it to hurt them. I'm doing it to like love me. And I would treat that as like, oh, look at you.

I'm going to give myself a pat on the back here and not vilify this as like withholding information or lying or being dishonest, like to hurting someone else. It's like, you know what? This person can't give me the love, so I'm going to give it to me. And so that's what I would do.

And then it's a muscle. And the more you kind of start to practice that and the more you are able to have some financial independence and financial security, as well as building up friendships and building like a found family and a circle of people that you really trust. I'm not saying that like I hope that you cut contact and go no contact with

Your mom like I don't hope anyone does that like it's a last resort. I hope parents and people can Grow and learn and change and I truly believe some people can and when they can't That's when no contact comes along But I think you'll be able to have a relationship whether it is a relationship or it's not that will be a lot less draining to you when you have another life like this is your life right now and you need to build and your life blood too like it's your lifeline because she provides for you but i think once you start providing for yourself then you'll be able to yeah stand up and let her know eventually that she can't live

vicariously through you no it's yeah financially and emotionally like building that life for you and whatever she's gonna do she's gonna do but it's not going to control you but right now it does and that's that sucks but that's no fault of yours and i would never encourage anybody to put themselves in a dangerous like physical or financial situation agree so so i'm really sorry this is i'm sorry as fuck yeah i have faith in you yeah all right we're gonna take a break and we are back shall we get into the rest of the kills let's do it hey megan and melissa I've debated about calling in about this for a really long time, but I'm hoping it's maybe something other people can relate to having difficulty navigating. I don't have any friends

with similar experiences, and it's been really icy. I'm 25. You see they pronouns. I'm queer. I'm not currently dating men. I'm autistic, violently anxious, and I'm generally pretty touch-averse unless I have romantic feelings for a person. I'm one of those never-been-in-a-relationship but not-for-lack-of-trying types of people. I've worked really hard on myself in therapy with my queer therapist in terms of self-worth and not feeling bad for being inexperienced. Still a work in progress. But there's still one thing I'm really stuck on. I've never been kissed 25-year-olds, and like a decade passed and people start having that

experience. And I've had that whole decade to build up all sorts of weird anxieties and expectations around it. It feels more like a thing than sex does, to be honest. But I would rather like to get kissed sometime this year in a COVID-conscious way, of course, 2023 goals. and I'm wondering if you guys have any advice about tackling any expectations that I might have

as well as any anxiety over just doing the thing, especially as a more touch-averse autistic person who isn't interested in just, like, quote-unquote, getting it over with and kissing somebody I don't have a connection to. Now, if there's anything wrong with that, just not for me. How do I get over this weird little speed bump?

Thanks so much for your help. Look forward to hearing what you guys have to say. Bye. I don't think this is a weird speed bump at all. I don't either. I don't, yeah. it might be some people might think it's weird and that's just because they don't understand the complexities of it it's not weird like you sound how anyone i know before they have this is

me before i had my first kiss this is like anyone i know before we had our first kiss and it's it's just a different timeline yeah and we've said this numerous times when people have talked about maybe dating or having sex or getting kissed like they're you don't need to put a timeline on any of it no and I will also say that like kissing is I don't disagree with your sentiment where you said that it kind of if you're a little more anxious than this you even think that maybe sex and if I think about like any new person that I'm kissing who I have feelings for it's not like acting it's not you know mechanical in that sense there's always butterflies there's always like an anxious and nervous energy there and i think that that is a i would hope that that maybe would help

quell a bit of your anxiety of knowing that every new kiss i think is okay every kiss begins with k is like exciting and anxious no matter how many times you've done it so you're not going into this it's not like you're swimming with sharks and you've never done it before and you're with someone who's done it a thousand times and it's just like oh whatever it's no big deal like when there are feelings there which you want there to be you don't want to get it over with like you want it to be someone you have feelings with they're going to have some of that there too so there's a nervous energy that is in every first kiss regardless if it's your first kiss ever or your first kiss with this person yeah it's it's always a first and for yours it's your

first first and theirs it's still their first but and they don't necessarily have to know that you have if you don't feel comfortable disclosing that that it's your first kiss i'm not a big touchy feely person so i don't know how that even compares to like your situation i don't want to compare that to that at all but i will say that like there is like a mental and physical component of like i mean every emotion and feelings in life and so there are some like i'm i'm very fine with like physical affection and touch with like moths and i but it didn't start like that that's i'm i'm kind of i'm similar in a way it's like i'm not the kind of person that's sitting up with her friends sitting close and holding hands and that kind of thing but like

if it's something someone that i'm interested in then i kind of show my affection by touching them but it's like that's a different it's a different thing like I don't want just anybody touching me yeah and I had to build up to it like my like we're affectionate now but like I couldn't hold hand like it was and we're I'm more physically affectionate with him than I've been with anyone in my entire life let it like lone romantic partner and so that wasn't just oh I like him so much so I'm okay with it it was like uh me telling him like okay I don't like this I don't like this I don't like this and I just get overwhelmed I either get like I'll get emotionally like I'll get overstimulated and overwhelmed or I would get like you know trauma overwhelmed of

being like this is uncomfortable for me I like don't like this and we build up to it and even still now like I don't like if someone sometimes I just don't want to be touched and like I don't like if someone's sitting too close to me I don't like I really can never stand if someone like is rubbing my arm or my leg and they rub the same like container that like physically hurts really badly and so he knows he knows that and like that has just been a conversation that we've had and it's knowing that I'm like that in all of my relationships and being with someone who knows I'm like that in my friendship sees that I'm like like that like he was never put off by that he was like very understanding because i had a pretty good understanding of

this in myself and so i would just know that like there's people out there who like when you let them know like you know i'm like touch adverse i'm not i'm not whatever your specific thresholds are what you like what you don't like and knowing that that can change in a moment's instance that can whatever that there are people who whether they understand your specific like how in-depth yours specifically is everybody has a friend who like oh they're not really a big hugger and I think we're starting to get into the generation of not always expecting physical contact there and so you're 25 I think you're gonna when you meet people and if you're just like up front and honest about like that aspect of it whether they understand they're not gonna understand you

because your personal case is all, everyone's going to be uniquely different. The right person will want to respect you because no one wants, whether their love language is physical touch, nobody, the goal is to express your love to someone in a way that feels loving to you, but they receive it in that way.

And if you don't receive it in that way, then anyone who's trying to push that boundary is not actually doing it to make you feel loved. They're doing it for themselves. so I guess like expectations wise like the awkwardness of like putting too lit like putting your lips next to someone else's like someone else's tongue in your mouth like when you're excited and you have a crush on someone that excitement there at least for me I found in those moments that like that anxiety that I had when I was like sitting at home in my room thinking

about this and like my expectations and all of that that crush voice in my head when that happen that's so fucking loud it drowns everything out so like that anxiety is nervous energy and it's like excitement and it's it's really like it's really exciting and i think everybody i think gets excited for a first kiss when it's with someone you have a crush on yeah i mean my first kiss was terrible he kissed like a piranha like i don't know any other way to explain it is that you know how like a piranha kind of like sucks because it's a fish and so it was like teeth and sucking a little mouth and so how old were they we were the same age like 11 12 okay but they also like the way they tasted was gross too i think they'd been drinking something that high fructose

corn syrup in it so their tongue was coated and their tongue was their tongue was coated so it a terrible so like i don't want you to like even like go into this thinking like you're gonna have the best kiss ever because everybody kisses different and even like when you're the first kiss may not be good but like every kiss is just different so yeah and like two people who are like in their 30s having their first kiss with each other when they've kissed like 100 other people like it can still be awkward but that's the point of like the crush the crush it it trumps all of that like so no matter how like i make my first kiss like i think it was i mean i think you'll be better off because you will most likely be kissing someone who has kissed someone before

but also like turn to 20 like you've got some you've watched movies like you've you've seen these things and it's never the people who are usually bad at kissing are the people who are like nah i've got this i'm not like if you're even a little bit worried about it like don't be you don't be and you're you're having enough self-awareness to know that like i'm not going to like bite someone and whatever but like i i couldn't even tell you if my first kiss was good like from a like a choreographed like technical standpoint i was just on cloud nine like it was a great to me and i look back on it so fondly but i i can't tell you if it was a really good great kiss in itself but it's just because like i really i really liked him and i i was so into it

and a crush is one hell of a fucking drug yeah it it is there the thing that's going off is your dopamine receptors and it's like a high once you're in a uh long-term relationship or you're with somebody for a long time you don't have that same it's not the same thing it's a bonding hormone that i can't think of right now so dopamine like it's a trigger for happiness and so when you think of that person like your happiness trigger goes off yeah maybe looking at it from like a like looking up like the actual scientific aspects of it's like for me i know that like adhd is dopamine seeking that's why a lot of people pick their skin and like when i pick my skin i like black out but like it gives i don't think it's like endorphins make you happy like i'm not

whatever but like when i tell you that like i don't even feel pain when i'm picking things because the dopamine is there and so like if you think about it it's a rush yeah in that sense that like and that's not just a rush that you will be experiencing they will be experiencing it too and then the next person that you kiss that you have a crush on and they will be experiencing that with you and you'll be experiencing it with them so it's kind of one of the great equalizers in life that like you might have done it before yeah but you haven't done it with that person yeah and it's almost the same as never having done it before ever yep so i would just know that i would get nervous and excited for a first kiss and like Mats and I talk about it all the time we'll like

watch like movies people I'm like oh my god that's so sweet like I love him like I love our life I love being past the stage of like dating and like nerves but I look back on that time with him like so fondly I'm like oh my god I love like I remember that happiness yeah there there is a rush that comes from that and I'm excited for you to to experience that me too yeah enjoy getting kissed let us know call us back after it happens and give us a review a play-by-play like sports only if you want to yeah hi megan and melissa i'm so excited to be calling in megan i've been watching you since i was 16 i'm here too but have never called in before i do want to give a quick trigger warning to this episode or to this call for gun violence so um i am a 23 year old female

else, she, her pronouns, and I'm struggling with a family situation regarding my uncle, who is 40-something, he hinted. For reference, this is my mom's brother, and my dad is not in the picture. I'm an elementary school teacher, and this happened the day after the Ubalde shooting, so there was a family get-together to celebrate my cousin's graduation. The topic of gun violence was brought up since it was so recently in the news, And I had mentioned a really tough PD that I had gone to where I had learned what to do as a teacher in the event of an active shooter. So obviously a really tough, traumatizing professional development.

This was the extent of what I had said in the conversation because I've always been the black sheep, aka I'm about as far left as you can go with a very conservative white family. And I just didn't want to stir the pot at my cousin's event, although I'm usually the first one to stand up for what I believe in. So, the conversation continued, and my uncle ended up getting really upset with something that another person at the table said, and began screaming at me, just because I've always been known as the black sheep, that I was the reason why this country was so messed up, that he's ashamed of me, etc. So, he was directing all his anger towards the left, basically, at me in a very loud, aggressive way. anyways afterwards he texted me horrible things and threatened me so needless to say I have

refused to go to any family events that he is at but the rest of my family besides my mom who has been very supportive have decided to pretend that this never happened so because of this I have missed out on every family event and holiday ever since so just kind of wondering what I should do because it's making me want to cut off the rest of my family because they have not done anything at all to stick up for me. And for context, these outbursts have happened before and they've always protected my uncle at all costs. So I'm just kind of wondering.

I know I'm not in the wrong about my situation and my beliefs, but I'm just wondering what to do about the rest of my family who have chosen to protect him and not stick up for me. So love you guys and I appreciate your advice. Thank you. oh cut him out cut him out yeah how did he threaten you like what did he say or say he was going to do to you because i would take that very seriously i would too um when someone is so hardcore defending the right to bear arms and guns and then they threaten especially out after

a shooting regarding children and teachers and you being a teacher like to me that would be like a i let me keep in records and yeah i'm gonna make sure that other people know this and if this person has weapons i'm sure they do going to you know america's fucked but you know i'm going to reach out to safe gun ownership organization in my city and let them know that this person who has weapons which i don't know are registered they might be might not has made a threat and here is the evidence of said threat yeah so i would cut your family together protecting him and obviously the excuse for that could be that he has also threatened them and they're also afraid and all of that but that's not ignoring the safety or the lack of safety that someone else has

for you is not protecting their safety because if he's going to make threats to you and he's going to make it an unsafe situation for you to be in the other people ignoring that doesn't mean that they're safe like he can turn on anyone at any any point and i would send a text message to the family with the screenshot of the text messages and i would just say i think it's been abundantly clear how i've separated myself from the family after the incident that happened and regarding these messages that I received. I understand that this is family. I'm also family.

And I'm like letting you know that these messages were sent on the off chance that I want you to be aware of this for my safety. And I hope if anything comes up where you are afraid for your safety to know that like I may be separating myself from my own to protect myself. But if you are in a situation

where you are feeling like you are in danger please send me a text please like reach out i i have firsthand understanding of this and i would never turn my back on you if this is something that you start to experience right right that's like pretty much all i would say i would leave a lot of the like i've cut you out because you have contact with him as implications i would lay on the empathy for if this is to happen to anybody else. Yeah. I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm sorry that your family isn't supportive of you and they're not standing up for what's the right thing to do, especially because you said you're the black sheep of the family. And I would also talk to that person that made the comment that made him angry since it

wasn't you and they were on they were on your side and ask them how they're doing and if he threatened you he probably threatened that person too um and y'all can probably bond over this and maybe you cut off everybody else yeah they these people thrive in families and in situations when everything everyone pushes things under the rug and if you don't feel comfortable or safe with other people letting them know that this happened like don't tell those people but you don't have to protect their feelings because they've chosen to turn a blind eye like they should know these things that have been that have been said and sometimes people i would assume he's had like you said he regularly has these angry outbursts a lot of people tune them out and so like they

disassociate they don't listen to what he's saying but you having this in writing it's hard for people to ignore that and or if they do choose to ignore that for you i think it might be it doesn't leave room for any excuses on their end they've been given the information they can't say that they didn't hear it they can't say that they missed the comment they now have a screenshot proof with text messages and if that doesn't change their behavior then you don't have to have the well well what if they didn't what if they didn't like oh they know and now i can move on from this and you said your mom is supportive so I would probably inquire if it's your mom's side of the family about if it's not like a peer like not someone your age who was the one who said

the original comment if it is another part of like your mom's family if they had a history together or what what that was kind of like yeah like this is sometimes family fucking sucks and they don't get a pass because they're family and other people might give them a pass but that doesn't mean that to me that's like you then all of you are straight to my fucking shit list because this is so i don't know i think regardless where you even fell on the political spectrum or like what you felt about like gun rights i would think like after the uvalde shooting when any any school shooting but like you could say that about but i mean in this instance where it's like you're you're at a family event with right after the shooting with a teacher i would in the car ahead

of time prep subjects that i know can't ever get back to relating to a classroom relating to like i would do that because like there's no way in hell i would even want i would try and make our interaction an hour or however long of escapism and like the idea that they would bring up anything even closely relate like that i mean you but if you brought it up like i would i would respond with empathy and all of that stuff but like to know that he was sitting on these feelings for and then viewed you as the correct vessel to spew all of this on like it's a tragedy for like the it's a tragedy for the parents who lost their kids it's a tragedy for everyone who witnessed there but then also the rest of america and the world watching this but it's specifically a

tragedy for people who have to who teachers and students who have to go back to school every day and parents have to send their kids to school every fucking day and he thought that you were the correct audience for that like i would take his threats really really seriously yeah and he has he made threats to you in the past too anything that he's done keep record of it and share it with the appropriate people to share this with yeah this is awful i'm really sorry that's like the last thing that anyone should have to hear especially a teacher so right now we're gonna get into an update oh yay so i called in from for the regifting episode um i think on january 16th and i was the like regifting call so i had called in asking i don't

know if i should re-gift these earrings that i got from my significant other i don't know if i should tell him or not or if i should tell my friend who i'm giving them to like if they're from him or not and then i also kind of mentioned my relationship with this person and that's what you're you guys were like oh my god what the heck yes because i said we're exclusive but not serious what the fuck does that mean i'll get to it okay and then you guys just said to ask him like obviously and so yeah that was that was the original call so what'd you do yeah when i got the email because i called in like a second time to like give like an update and then i got an email from you guys being like hey like let's do the update then i freaked out and i was like oh my

god i never even asked him yet so i i literally called him up like 10 minutes after that i was like texting the person like in class to schedule and i'm like hey do you want to hear like a crazy story and he's like yeah sure and so i'm like okay so i called into this podcast but i've actually been listening to you guys since literally it started ah thanks i'm 22 now if that gives any contact you were a child yeah yes so I called him and I was like hey so I called into this podcast and then they gave me advice and I know I should have just asked you in the first place but I was wondering if I could like re-gift these earrings that you gave me and I was like I told him the friend I wanted to give them to because he knows her and he knows she's like my bestie and he was

like yeah of course I don't care he was like those are the ones like I didn't know if you When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years.

I would like her not anyway. And I was like, okay, thanks. wait that's we always tell people all the time like just just show them the podcast tell them around the podcast like it's a perfect way to bring up the conversation that's so funny okay now you have to explain your relationship because like we're so confused yes so i got out of a five year relationship last year like last march and we had lived together for a year wait did you live are you in college i am in college did he go to your college he transferred to my college so y'all could live together a year for y'all to live together we live together we don't live

together now did you miss all the podcast episodes where we said do not live with your significant other in college okay but the thing is is that i was glad i was i did it okay yeah okay that's fair and also they were together for five years yeah so y'all were together before you but in college oh that's true yeah it's different okay you're right that's how math works yeah yeah it was from when i was 16 to 21 and he was 18 to 23 but we met like in a high school class yeah and we were just both our birthdays were both like early in the year or i'm sorry early in the school year okay so he turned 18 like a couple months after i met him got it okay okay yeah it wasn't like some guy like out of like out of high school being like oh high school girl okay i feel

better but yeah so i got out of this like five-year relationship we had lived together for a year and i was glad we lived together because it like brought up like stuff that's what it does like that we didn't know about and so we ended up ending it and like i had originally planned to like move out of the state with him after college oh i take it back i'm so glad you moved in with him like that you're right you were you were the exception to the rule because that's our bigger rule and you're like I know that they don't like this and I know they don't like this but this I should do because that's worse yeah and so like I'm glad we broke up when we did because then I didn't plan my life around him yeah after college yeah yeah and like it worked out like it was like

fun living with him he had a dog I love his dog I miss her so much the dog he now lives on the other side of the country oh that's convenient for like yeah forced distance to get over someone but anyway so I started like I got on tinder in like May once I like moved back home for the summer and I was only on there for like two weeks I was dating around you know I didn't pay for anything that entire summer like this past summer nice it was great so I had an internship last summer and I was out with my co-workers you guys are gonna hate me oh god and I was out with my co-workers and like my group like marched with another group and it's like the the young professionals group so it's like all these kids we get go out quite often and like we stay out

like pretty late until like 2 a.m like we closed down bars i was part of one of those i was not and so this night i met this guy and i was currently seeing like three or four other people at this time because i was kind of like poly and because going out of my long-term relationship I was like I will not be serious with anyone for like a year because for some reason I cannot help but date people like I can't for some reason stay single for like over a year so I was like you know what I'll go easy on myself I won't be serious with someone for a year so I met this guy while I'm out I end up going over to his place because like we're just like talking the whole night and when I like went over there yes he was my co-worker

you were intern was he an intern too or is he not in it okay okay wow hold on hold on how long were you interning at this place like three months so it was just for the summer just for the summer okay okay you're no longer co-workers yeah yeah yeah that's the part i was like i was like i don't know i love that you've listened from the beginning and like you know you know what like it's like it's not that you haven't learned anything it's like no i know it's in the back of my head but like I'm living my fucking life which I respect like I respect okay going into it I thought it was going to be a one-night stand I didn't even know if anything was going to happen because like the bars were closing I was like I still want to keep talking

to you and he's like I still want to keep talking to you and we had also made out because I went up to him and I was like hey do you want to make out and he was like yes a slay I love it I love that keep him humble so I was like you know what he's never going to talk to me I don't need to talk to him but then he's texting me the whole weekend and then he's like hey like do you want to go get drinks on Tuesday and I was like we like hung out on a Friday and I was like yeah why not and so I saw him again so we just ended up like we just kept seeing each other and then we were like okay it's gonna end after the summer because I'm gonna move back to my college town and like he's gonna be moving to another town as well he's gonna be working at like a different office for

our same company and then I'm also going to continue like I'm still an intern for the same company uh so we are still technically co-workers but it's like different departments different locations yeah that didn't count I don't think you can get fired for that no there's like I talked to someone like in like a different HR for a different company and they were like there's nothing that's so then at the end of the summer I like saw him for what I thought was going to be the last day of seeing him and then he texted me the whole next day and he was like do you want to come over again tonight and I was like because I lived up with my parents so he like couldn't come to my place so I was like yeah sure I'll come over and so then I'm like hey like I want to keep

seeing you because I liked him a lot and he's like well I want to keep seeing you and I was like okay well now we're just gonna have to do like long distance and like make it work so at that point we knew that we like liked each other that's like two months in but like we still hadn't like put a label on the relationship or anything we had said we were exclusive at that point because I kind of dropped like all the other people I was seeing about a month in and he was never seeing anyone else from the start he was like he told me from the beginning like hey I'm just like a one person kind of person like I don't want to see anyone else like I'm just going to focus on you like I don't care what you do but and I was like okay yeah but the other people like when I started

going poly I like knew like oh if I found someone who like checked on my boxes like then I'd just be monogamous and he like did that like I was monogamous with him so we just kept like seeing each other like every two or three weekends and then like the day before New Year's Eve he was like hey like I want to tell you something and I was like what do you want to tell me and he was like I love you and I was like oh my god I was like waiting for him to say it because I knew I loved him for like two months oh my god this was literally me and mods like I literally was like why are you gonna say it dude because like I know I'm gonna say it back but I know you've been wanting to say it so you should hurry up and say it yeah like I felt like he loved me for a while but he

hadn't said it yet and I knew like if he felt it and like meant it he would say it to me and I didn't want to say at first because like we weren't in like a serious relationship we were just kind of like y'all were just dating one-on-one but you just weren't interested in seeing other people yeah and like I did like like him a lot and like but I haven't felt the need to be like oh yeah you're my boyfriend so we said I love you and then we had like a quick little chat because we hadn't really talked about our relationship at all we were just kind of like going with the flow so we had like a this chat where we were like oh well he knows where he's going to be living for like the next however long and he's pretty set in his career and like I'm

still an intern I'm about to like I have a full-time offer and everything but that's in a different city than where he lives and then I also like from the get was like hey like I don't want to live so I like don't want to live in the state where I'm from for like a year after I graduate so like he knows like I'm not going to be staying here or at least I don't plan on it so it's like why would we be like oh yeah we're going to be serious like you're my boyfriend because like I'm we don't know how long we're going to last like we didn't even know we were going to like last as long as we did like I even have told him like you were supposed to be one night stand so that's the reason why we say we're like not serious or we're like not boyfriend

girlfriend it's because like there isn't like we're not planning our futures around each other and I feel like you do that when like you're in a serious relationship and like also it's just like I don't know but we do have like all the same almost all the same expectations you would have with like a significant other like he calls me every night we text during the day like like I know what his schedule looks like I don't know like certain things like that would it be wrong to assume that like so me hearing this I think that the only difference in this because love is a serious like feeling but like you then don't have to deal with people being like oh your boyfriend what are you guys doing after this so like you guys are on the same page but it's less

about how other people will then talk about you both and not having to explain all that right is that is that some kind of a similar assumption yeah i mean i didn't think about that but that makes a lot of sense because if you're on the same page for like everything and like all of this stuff this makes this like that actually makes sense to me where it's like yeah it's easier for us to not say that we're boyfriend girlfriend because those labels come with the intention of planning and you are planning you're both planning that you're not planning on factoring each other into your future life decisions which is is a plan but is something that i could see like other people in your life like having commentary on and not getting and then maybe asking questions

where it's just easier that you wouldn't factor in someone who you're not seriously dating so you can kind of avoid all of that shit and other people's other people's things because it makes sense to me now it makes total sense to me i'm shocked because at first i was like what the fuck does this mean but no this makes this makes actual sense so i appreciate the clarity yeah and i also like how communicative you are with people and with him and how you express your feelings because it seems like you're just a very straight shooter i appreciate this style of communication like this is this is how we i want to kiss you okay appreciate all of this i'm not done talking to you okay we're gonna have sex it was a five yeah no he's like i can do better that's exactly what

i was gonna say and you're like and then he reached out on why i go because he didn't want to be a five like he wanted to be like let me put the work in and build my way up to at least a seven i remember this guy was with one time and i was like i didn't come and he was like i can do better and i was like okay prove it like no i have guy friends who've had people say similar stuff to them and then them calling me being like i just had sex with this girl it's great for me it was clearly not great for her i need you to tell me what the fuck to do like i literally i like i have guy friends who've everyone's experienced that where they're like tell me how to put that work in tell me how to do this so this is I mean this makes this makes a lot of

sense I'm gonna ask you so you your five-year relationship was that your only relationship or did you kind of have because if you would have been in high school so like you said 16 18 so like did you have like the oh I had a boyfriend when I was like 15 14 13 12 like did you have like lots of boyfriends and then your five-year relationship or just the big five-year one that was my only serious relationship i've had like boyfriends like since i was like in first grade yeah okay no this because the communication style but then also the self-awareness like you're very and not in a way that sometimes i have friends who've like had one long monogamous relationship that like defined their adolescence and then they compare like everything to it in an unhealthy way

but like i feel like you know what a serious relationship is because you've done it but then you've also done like the more flirting crush dating around even if you're like really fucking young and it doesn't it doesn't have all of that like real adult feelings there but you have like intense like childhood like young adult feelings there for someone who's been in such a long-term relationship like that's it's very like it's congratulations like it's very impressive to be able to go into other relationships with like a sense of like self-assuredness and not self like I don't hear you self-sabotaging nor do I hear you picking like wrong people who will then hurt you so you're hurting yourself like this is impressive this is very impressive and

you had a relationship where you were building a future together and then you're and now you're like I know what I want out of my life post-grad and that doesn't necessarily mean that it includes you but like i know what i want and it can include you if we wanted to like you might make me change all of the advice i've ever given where i'm saying don't be in a relationship and moving together in college like i might be like your fucking final year one of your final year moving there's another and like survival of the fittest see if you make it out because like i feel you got a crash course in like incompatibility like loving someone and having like deep feelings for them and then realizing like oh we are just like our lives are just incompatible and that's the big I think when

you're in adulthood that's the number one reason why people break up like yeah you can like someone but I think usually when we give that advice it's usually people that are like freshmen sophomore that are trying but you had time before y'all lived like you you were able to have like that college life and then y'all moved in yeah you weren't attached at the hip the whole time yeah yeah so like we were like long distance my freshman and sophomore year of college and then junior year we lived together but also sophomore year college was covid so i wasn't like in person wow yeah i got all my partying out like the first semester and then my senior year now i live alone yeah this which is like holy shit dude you're like you're fucking fast

coasting life like you're gonna you're gonna be like 26 and like all of your friends are gonna to be 40 like you're gonna be like i can't with this child you're doing all this shit and your frontal lobe isn't even developed yet you're about to have a superpower yeah you're gonna be like limitless wonderful update we had to cut so much out of it because we just vibed yeah we were talking to them for so long so long absolutely loved it big fans all right well that's it for this episode we hope you all enjoyed this episode now you have another episode with candace look forward to i hope you're excited because we're excited because we love her we hope you enjoyed if you would like to leave a review on the podcast app and say how much you love us oh my gosh now

this is an example and know that this could be you we could be reading your review yeah this is from someone who that we both revere so five stars isn't enough oprah oprah thank you my girl With a little winky emoji. I found the podcast a few years ago, so I had some catching up to do. I listened from the beginning and finally caught up this week. I'm devastated that I did because now I have to wait for episodes as they come out. Due to the Eminem multiverse of podcasts, I won't have long to wait still. These two fantastic women truly care about their audience and the message they are putting out in the world.

in the few years that i've listened i can honestly say i have changed for the better oh my god i've discovered my worth and stood up for myself and can attribute that to megan and melissa's advice and general outlook on life and the world thank you both so much and please keep doing what you're doing heart emoji that's so fucking nice that is thank you wow oprah oprah winfrey miss winfrey thank you so much that is so fucking kind and we appreciate that don't you just love how like we are oprah sayer podcast i do and like this person is probably like the most up to date on like all of our jokes present and past like if someone was gonna win a don't blame me trivia it would be this person yeah it would be oprah oprah oprah's winning thank you oprah gail winfrey

so if that inspired you to leave a review i don't know how it didn't gail where's your review right it's time for gail please leave one we appreciate it so much and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 say it a little bit more 310-694-0976 thanks jess jess yeah you started singing i know and then i couldn't do it and then i i have to do the same kind of cadence because then i won't remember it yeah okay so yeah and international listeners send us your audio messages everything we said at the start of the episode three minutes write it down practice 18 or over have your parents permission stay tuned for the rest of week for the rest of our podcasts and episodes that come out oh yeah next week we've got a good

one too oh yeah that man that you're betrothed to some dude yeah my fiance so there you go you've got some numbers there oh and if you want to watch the video version of the podcast you can join our patreon and support the show you don't don't have to watch the video versions but you can also join us for live streams we do twice a month where we have a grand old time lots of socializing lots of fun we roast people about their dating lives people make dinner while we do them what else do i make dinner you do make dinner okay anything else follow our socials go comment something on our instagram and that's it that's it bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts

and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso