Don't Blame Me! - Girlfriend Broke Up With Me On Facetime While In Italy

Episode Date: July 25, 2022

After discussing weddings, Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Boyfriend was rude because I forgot that I was going to help him move Girlfriend broke up with me while she was in Italy Friend didn’t show up to bridal shower DBT: Working with an assistant who acts like your superior DBT: Not having your ideal job after graduating college Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello i'm sorry can you do that again it wasn't exciting enough hello bring it down about five hello here comes the sun is that the song i feel like it was probably sometimes i just get the tune welcome back to another episode of don't blame me and we are back doing virtual episodes just for the next couple i was at a wedding this past weekend as a recording this melissa was at some wedding events and then also upcoming a wedding so we are protecting each other keeping it safe

from cooties and the covid if you are brand new here this is don't blame me where we give wonderful life-changing amazing advice we have callers who guess what they do they call they call in leave voicemails and then we give amazing advice and you might be wondering hey megan and melissa those are our names by the way how are you qualified to give this fantastic advice i can take my outer on half an hour everybody so just know that we're gonna get better the words are gonna make more sense in a little bit one of us will get better the other of us will stay the same because she's tired it might get worse me with that i'm me there's no amount of outer all in the world that i can take that will make me as together as you always are i just make a lot of

notes i that make me that's great i'm together no that's and hey to be fair isn't then you are together seeming like you're together that's half you did it that is being together my notes i've told you this my notes are like so chaotic i saw mods adding to our like group uh group there's only two of us our shared our shared notes app and um he was like putting something in my later tab and i was like what are you doing there he was putting something that like we need to do later and i go well no like that's something you want to do on saturday and he goes yeah that's later and i was like no later doesn't have like a date and he was like what and i was like yeah no you have to like add a new tab for like what you want to do on saturday and he was like you're so like

what the fuck is wrong with you and i was like a lot but i just need you to move that and then he moved a bunch of stuff and i go were you supposed to do all this on saturday how am i supposed to know that when i'm looking at that as my later why don't you break it down by monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday setting i don't want to be too overwhelmed so i do like the i do monday and then i do tuesday i have like two days each time and then i have like tuesday wednesday then thursday friday and so this was on a tuesday and he was wanting to do saturday and so i told him he could add saturday though i don't like to have a whole week there but it was okay and then i added a tab for the weekend yeah i've got mine broken down by days

and then have the most i like stuff like in order by what needs to be done and then like highest priority and then i know like if i don't get to the stuff on the lower on the list it's okay and then i just move it to the next day until i finish it the game changer for me has been not making anything a priority like having them all be like equal when i say like high priority like don't blame me like report don't blame me on the list because we have to do that yeah we're actively doing it no i do that too yeah but not if it's timed stuff i put it at the top because then it happens earlier that makes sense wow so that was a really wonderful segue to tell you all what this show is so why are we qualified to give this advice you might ask well melissa is a

graduate of harvard yale princeton columbia and brown and you're the first student to ever have a octuplet degree simultaneous from every college at the same time you did invent the time traveling data for quantum what's it from ant-man quantum mechanics quantum something the quantum realm okay you are the first graduate student of of the quantum realm so of ant-man university the most underrated marvel movie i will stand by that like ant-man is so good and mods thought i was full of it he was like what the fuck are you talking about i was like no it's so good we watched it he goes wait this is like hike it up that charts in my favor it's like i told you i fell asleep during ant-man you have to go back and watch it it's so good but the one you really

have to watch because mods was spot on moon knight because that has whatever his name is that when mods he came on the screen mods goes i feel like melissa would like i was like in what way sexually biblically and then i asked you and you're like i do i do oscar isaac yes that one was really his eyes and his jaw and his hair and his lips so basically his face he's got a nice face he's got like that like when people talk about older man that is what i'm like okay that's better for me than like someone with full gray hair i'm like oh how old is he 43 yeah 43 yeah for me that's not like that much older so no no i i think for you that makes total sense but like i was like i don't know if i i would not date someone in their 40s now but i would be if you

dated someone in their 40s i would be like okay he's cute it's not we're not taking like a george clooney situation which was not that he's not cute but like he's a i don't know i look at him and i'm like 60 now isn't he i don't know i don't know george clooney he's 61 like he gives me bigger dad energy than like phil dunphy yeah right yes 100 agree he's only a couple years younger than my dad so yeah it's weird it's just weird oh in all actuality what we lack in credentials we make up in opinions yes we have so many opinions some people say opinions are like assholes i say opinions are like hair follicles i'm covered in them and they're constantly regenerating are your follicles regenerating or just your just your hair um that was a painful

one for you wasn't it no i was more so thinking about uh my mind was just in my mind is kind of just like running around and then getting paused at some places and when you were talking about your hair i was thinking about how you have very fine blonde hair and when you shave you miss bros and that's what i thought of oh yeah i don't want to complain about like shaving because especially people who have very like large hair follicles i've learned because a lot of my friends i grew up with a lot of very my friends i love my friends dearly and it's factually they were they're very hairy they're very naturally hairy people and what i learned about like when you have like larger hair follicles and your hair grows in thicker it can be like more painful to even

like shave because like it it can like snag a bit more and like pull your skin a bit more and maybe this was just they're very intense ones i mean my leg hair isn't like this yeah i mean like it's finer like i go forever without shaving but it's not yeah but mine i step out in the sunlight and suddenly i am corduroy i am a golden bear i am a golden retriever my legs are that and i'm like oh shit i missed all of this like i once found now that's like kyle once found like a three or four inch hair on the back of my thigh and he was like you've missed this for years or is it like one of the well yeah it could be years but or is it one of those hairs that just kind of grows longer faster because i have one that's like right here on my arm that like it just grows

faster than the rest of my hairs and then it'll just like be long one day and i have to physically pull it out oh that's weird i don't know if i have those mine is mostly the because when i get my leg hair wet in general unless i'm in the sun i can't see it but then if i get it wet no fucking help I now put my glasses on to shave my legs do you not use like shaving cream so then you can guide it I I do but the issue is is like the hairs are also so fine that sometimes they just don't catch it and they like don't get in there because like they just slip right through because there's not as much like traction how many blazer on your razor I don't know what how many are what are the options it could be from one to four oh okay it's definitely not one okay maybe you should get one

that has more blades so that's like one swipe equals four oh is that what oh okay now what i've been doing is i have been shaving my legs at the edge of the bathtub and i put my glasses on and i shave them and i like use the other hand to check to see if i can feel anything which is not very helpful and then I walk really quickly I dry my legs and then I walk around the house really quickly or I go outside and I figure out where I can feel the wind blowing through the hair that I missed and then I go back and then I shave those parts and then I do it again and then I go out in the sunlight and then I ask mods and then mods always like it looks fine and then we get in the car and for some reason it's the contrast with like the dark car and then the leg hair and then

i always end up finding a couple more and i'm like okay that's it is what it is but it's the wind in the hair like it's if anyone's ever had lash extensions where like you get really long lashes and you can feel like the wind running through your eyelashes i can feel the wind running through my leg hair constantly and i am just reminded like you're not very aerodynamic right now like you're being slowed down by the sails of your hair um that i'm sure gave you so much confidence and faith that we're gonna give you amazing advice i just feel like that really solidified that fact sealed it in sand to deliver i'm yours so what did you get up to this weekend or what day we're recording this day

yeah we usually i was trying to get you to talk about the henna but i realized that that wasn't this weekend it was yesterday on a wednesday so what i got into this week was um recorded an audiobook recorded some podcasts worked on a pitch and also yesterday i went to mehendi for my cousin and we got henna so pretty and if you are subscribed to our patreon you can see it on my hand for a dollar a month for a dollar you get to see hands dms privately if you want to see feet i was gonna say is there a uh wiki hand i think those are just hand models like i think it would just be casting agents who are trying to do that i've had so many people like when i like being like have you ever considered not like professionals but people like have you

ever thought about hand modeling like do you play the piano and I was like my fucking scary my hands like look like Khloe Kardashian's when she edited her hands and then she looked like Voldemort like I have such long really bony fingers and I'm like I could never see myself myself doing that like it would just be creepy also because you yourself as in Megan like to have a lot of credit in things and you like the attention and if your hands are getting it that means your face isn't getting it so i don't think you'd be you'd be you'd become jealous of your own hands i would have to cut off my own hands i'd be like you betrayed me you fuckers you look gorgeous everybody go look at your instagram pictures are you ever gonna share that one of your ass well i posted another one of

my ass though i'm gonna miss that one it was the main picture on my instagram post oh what what's going on with you was at a wedding this weekend and it has marked though the last wedding on the books we think like i don't think we know anyone else who's engaged who's like so this is very exciting for for us our pockets and uh our social lives like i no shade to anyone's weddings but we knew this time would come because matzah's friends are split like between like new york and la and all of his new york friends like we've basically finished they're they're all the ones are done and now we know that la is not going to be for a couple years and we knew we would have a large break and i think that break is starting and it's pretty exciting that's pretty nice yeah

oh i should tell you the phone number to call if you want to call in for an episode you can give us a call and leave a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message and email it to meganpodcast at gmail.com what is the format again oh mp3 mp3 someone asked in the facebook group and i couldn't remember even though that's the only audio format i know of so we ask that you you have to keep it under three minutes need your parents permission if you are under 18 and we ask that you write down everything before you call time it out whether that's with a kitchen timer one of those sand ones where the stopwatch your phone the hourglass so our days of our lives that's she couldn't go one episode without

so it has to be under three minutes so again we ask that you practice and time it out a few times and so then when you're ready to call or record your voice memo you just read it let us know your ages your pronouns if you would like and if it's about other people involved in the story their ages and their pronouns again if you feel comfortable and make sure if it's about relationships how long you've been together we want as much details as possible to give the best advice so let's now let's do it okay okay hi Megan and Melissa I'm a 20 year old who uses she her pronouns and my boyfriend who is also 20 uses he him pronouns we have been together for over four years this upcoming fall I will be applying to law school well I hope to be admitted

the law program at the school where I'm currently getting my undergraduate education, I feel like I need to go look at some backup options. Yesterday, my mom suggested that me and my boyfriend, her, and my dad to go look at two schools about an hour and a half away from home this coming Saturday. When my boyfriend got home from work that evening, I told him the plan to go tour all Saturdays. The decision of where I would go to move to go to law school if I had to move would not potentially only affect me but him as well we have talked about getting engaged and he told me he plans on proposing sometime this winter so this would be somewhere that he would have to move as well at the moment he has no other families living in the state and depends on my family for a lot

of help so for my parents I understand our rent free and for the past month his car has been broken down so he has been driving either my car or my mom's car to work from wherever else he needs to go so when my boyfriend got home from work that evening and I told him the plan to go tour on Saturday. He immediately responded very rudely saying, you told me you'd help me finish moving on Saturday because his lease is new in a closed town. I totally forgot, forgotten about telling him this, but said, well, I'll go help you move on Friday or Sunday. He responded he did not want to move out on Sunday. So he'd be too tired when he went to work next morning, even though I'm the one that would be helping him move and he'd be using my car. He acted very rude about the whole

thing and like he absolutely could not change his move out date, even though his lease isn't up until the end of July when I'm the one that would be going to tour the future cities that we would both potentially be living in. My mom was there for the whole conversation and said, well, don't you want to go see where you two would be living, maybe? And he said, no, not really. This whole conversation, the whole thing, honestly felt like a slap in the face. It makes me question if he was really ready to be engaged or serious about his future

with me. My mom said his reaction was a red flag. i want to draw opinions i feel like i'm gonna have an unpopular opinion i might have one too are we on the same page do we just say on that one yeah i yeah i think we might it might be and i'm like totally gonna own the fact that this just might be how you've been together for so long you didn't really give us a huge amount of background on your relationship so like this could be we are only going off of what you gave us but it feels like to me that everything's like about you and like we're prioritizing everything about you

so it's like oh i'm going to law school i'm playing law school so like not like you're gonna go with me and you're gonna go wherever i go as opposed to like a conversation about the choice that we're like both making to to do that and to move and it feels like yes your family is like he's there and help they're helping him out and all of that it feels kind of like he's a guest in that sense where it's like well he's getting to use this and he's going to do this and he's going to do this and to me that's not really a great perspective to kind of have where it feels like i've it feels a little transactional if you plan to have like a future with someone like that but then also he had plans on saturday that you guys were supposed to you're

supposed to help him move out and you didn't remember that and so then it was like well we'll just change your plans for my plans. And from an outside perspective, it does just kind of feel like your life is not as important as my life. And like, we'll adjust for like, you can adjust for me. So like, I don't know, I think I would have been upset and rude, too, especially if it's like, you didn't think about the one thing that I had to do. And then when you think about it, you're like, Oh, that's fine. You'll just can't you'll just change that. Yeah, to me, I don't think his reaction was a red flag. I think this might be very controversial and people might throw some tomatoes at me. tomato tomato tomato but someone I knew was about to like make this big step to go to law school

but they had to operate under their mommy's direction like your mom is the one that scheduled this your mom is like essentially taking care of a lot of things for both of you and then she says that it was kind of like everything needed to fall in line with the plans that your mom made and then when he didn't get in line with what your mom said then she said it was a red flag his reaction that's a good point i didn't even think about that part yeah so it comes off a little to me immature on your part as someone that's about to make this big step into going to law school i think that your communication is completely off with him and like megan said It seems like what your life is more important than he is.

And and he just needs to do what you say, do. And if I had plans to move on a specific day, moving takes so much. You just moved. Moving takes so much out of you. And so mentally and physically, mentally and physically. So I completely understand why he doesn't want to do it on Sunday because he's going to be exhausted. he's going to be exhausted and doesn't want to go to work exhausted the next day I also just think

that this to me if I were him in this environment and like you said like I didn't even think about that but like yeah the mom calling all of those like shots I would feel like it was I was like alone in this like I would feel really like I would feel like an extreme outsider and that it's like you and your family versus him and I think that that's a really hard position to be in in general and I think if you can reframe it in your mind from being like he doesn't have any family here so like we are so my parents are so generous and so nice by letting him do blah blah blah and blah that's a response to a really like hard thing that he doesn't have family there and I don't think that that's really being like acknowledged that it we're kind of acknowledging the fact that

It's, it's more like he was helped, like your family has helped him out so much, but it's like, let's talk about why they did that. It's like, he doesn't have a support system in this state. And so you and your fam, like you and your family, if that's like what the role that you're going to take on, then that it needs to be that. And especially when it comes to relationships with like your partner and a relationship with your family, if you see a future with your partner, like you are a team, you and partner are a team and you will be a team with your partner before you are a team with your

parents and like sometimes you'll have to be a team against your parents in this and i think for him it probably feels like it's a team of you and your parents and then him and i understand like i don't know i also kind of part of me is like it's an hour and a half away both of them are they're in the same state seemingly but maybe not california's just fucking you i'm like you can't get out of California in an hour and a half but if he hasn't been like really consulted through all of this and this is a choice that you made together about what schools you are going to do as your backup I kind of might not want to go either because I didn't feel like I had a say in it anyway and so why am I going to give a whole day to this thing that I'm just supposed to go

along with and not that I'm saying that he's not going to go along with it but unless he's had strong input and he has not only been consulted, but this has been like a mutual choice and decision that you've made. I think that assuming and even asking him, like assuming that he is going to come to tour all of the schools, regardless if it was a day that he was moving or busy, I think it is kind of just a throwaway gesture. I don't know about that. I know like when I was planning on going to dental school they like strongly suggested that your significant other come with you to get the lay of the land and like understand what the school is because it it's a decently like a amount of a program and they're uprooting their life and so they just

want to make sure that they're comfortable being there yeah I could and and and that I mean that makes sense I just think that like I don't know maybe I'm California born and raised so I'm like an hour and a half away it still feels like the same area yeah and it's also like it's not that he has like it is true like he doesn't have family here like he is kind of relying on this and so it feels like it's been assumed that no matter what he's just gonna tag along like kid brother and then it's like well if no one's consulting me and like this has just been kind of like I'm gonna tag along like why do I have to come to all of this like that feels like we're just going through the motions of like don't you want to see where you'll be living it's like well it's not like

I have a say otherwise like to me that's like I could see if he would like there was a disinterest on that side of it but it doesn't even seem like he's disinterested it just seems like the timing is rude yeah it's like you forgot that he was moving which just seems rude to me and you may and you had your mom make the make the other plans and then also you're like well he was just being rude when he responded yeah because you disrespected him and didn't put his feelings in place and then like also he probably just said i don't care because he was mad you know sometimes you like get mad at people and they said well don't you want to have blah blah and you're like i don't care and you just like want to move past because you're mad at that moment yeah that would

like really really hurt my feelings like especially because no matter what there's going to obviously be favoritism in a house where it's like your significant others and their parents like you're gonna feel out of it but then there's always something he's like your age and he's working he's not going to post he's not doing graduate school like it sucks that there still is that like really that elitism and like pretentiousness that can kind of come from that and then it goes oh your life is more important than mine because you're going you're doing more school than me and And this is something that like, not everyone can go to graduate school, like whether it's like financial or even just like, if you're not set up with it to educate, yeah, or like

if you're set up with another education prior to that, or if like, it's just not worth it for your career, or it doesn't make you inherently more valuable as like, just a person. And I think that there's like a lot of factors in this, if I was in this position where I would like feel really, really less than. and yeah that probably would make me question what my future is but not about oh do I care about this person do I love this person but like do I want to continue feeling like this and like how is this going to change and so yeah I think if you like approach this of being like are we still going to get engaged in the winter like this again it just it doesn't really feel like

it's about him but who knows maybe you talked about it beforehand and like he was very on board in choosing all of this like stuff and like that but you didn't include that so i can't go off of that but i i don't to me this isn't a red flag to me this is like i would feel like so supremely like disrespected and like not unvalued yeah so uh let's take a break and we're back from the break roll the tapes hi megan and melissa about a month and a half ago i 19 years old she or her was broken up with by my then girlfriend also 19 years old she her on facetime three days into her trip in italy days prior to this trip i stayed with her family and went with them to drop her off at the airport so I did not see this coming. I was also unhappy

in our relationship so I wasn't like devastated just caught off guard. For some background information we dated for seven months prior and spent nearly every day together. We were in a trauma bond situation because a month into our relationship my dad told me he was diagnosed with cancer sorry and then my grandma died. So needless to say I have a lot of trauma going on like not just that and I was really triggered by what she did and decided that no contact would be best the last text I sent her was a long paragraph that basically said never contact me again and to only send me back things that belong to my dad such as like old gap sweatshirt I also told her she can throw away anything else of mine I explicitly said those a week later like

two weeks later I got a package with one of my dad's sweaters but also three of her own shirts from zara slash sheen and a t-shirt i gave her that says i hurt my hot girlfriend what the fuck am i going to do with that wear it give it to my next girlfriend no that's weird so i threw it out she also told me to keep her pair of 400 jeans i don't know what to do because i feel weird wearing her clothes should i refurbish them what if i see her at school and i'm wearing her things that would be weird what it like do i look desperate is this offensive to a potential significant other is it weird like if i sell them does that mean to her is this her trying to get me to reach out we're both leo risings also in scorpio sun and aquarius moon and i've been

listening since middle school ah i felt you rushing at the end of this call you still had a whole minute it's what happens first i would like to say if your significant other is going to italy without you good luck that's dump them first yeah sorry we've all heard what happened ask melissa what happens in italy yeah or pussy whatever whatever you want whatever you desire whatever you want it's all there served on a platter like if don't be in a relationship going to italy by yourself unless you're in an open relationship i think that's a lesson that we should we should all we should all learn first of all i'm so sorry you've had such a rough rough year like that's really really hard yeah and a quick uh is any of her stuff cute like would

you want to wear it like is it like these $400 jeans are they cute $400 jeans like do you love them or would would you love it more if there was some cash in your pocket I think that like in general there's like really no clean way to like send people their stuff like there's always going to be a lot of emotions attached to it and I do think a lot of people will use like either ask for things back that are like very personal as like a just like as a means to kind of get under your skin and i also think people give things back that feel really confusing that make you be like okay what but this is like what is happening here so she did it on purpose because of the text message that you sent it's not an accident at all and like to be fair who cares why

like just who cares why she sent any of that stuff if it's just to piss you off or whatever but like she sent it to you you can do with it whatever you want now like i think if it's if it's stuff that you really like that's cute that you would want to keep i don't think you should feel weird if you're wearing it and i think if you see her at school and she brings it up you're like oh i i actually don't think this is yours like i don't think so like you can just who are you i told it would be like who are you i told you never to speak to me again why are you talking to me i don't think we know i don't i'm who are you so like i think like she fucked you over so you have free reign to do whatever the fuck you want and similarly i think if you want to sell shit like

it's not even a matter of like yes it's if you like these clothes but it's would you like them more or would you like cash in your pocket more than this zara top or these jeans or whatever and as it goes for like future relationships i mean i don't know anyone in any relationship who doesn't have something that's from like oh this is a t-shirt that was like i have like a pair of like boxers i sleep in that it's like my friends my like middle school friends sisters ex-boyfriends like that shit just gets like it becomes like there's no like sentimental thing attached to it i think that like things that i perceive with sentimental attachment would be like an engagement ring a promise ring some some jewelry really not all jewelry but most of the stuff i would be

perceived with a really big like sentimental attachment it would have to be from someone who you're pining over you're not pining so like any relationship that you have after this i don't think it's really about what things you have from your old relationship but like your attachment to those things and like what is that attachment and i don't think you have that i've got hoodies i've got basketball shorts i've got socks like you just stuff accumulates and i have the stuff like i know that they're they belong to someone i couldn't even tell you who specifically they belong to i just know i didn't buy it so i don't whatever you choose to do with it like if you want it keep it if not donate it or sell it do whatever you want with yeah don't attach too much sentimental

memories onto something that doesn't have any meaning to it because you're also trying like you don't have those feelings towards these things but because she's giving you these things it feels like she's putting that on there so like rebuke that energy like i don't i don't accept that energy if you're putting sentimental value onto these things that you're giving me like these have no sentimental value to me so just like say fuck it you know i'm so sad that i gave back to the guy i was dating in college was these booty shorts that said i heart ae pie and i know he definitely gave them so like they i forget the frat made them for something and i was like i wish i still had those why did you have ae pie shorts because he gave them to me because i was

his fraternity it was like branding but they okay i'm sad i don't have them anymore that's all i'm saying so i could be walking around in my home with my fiance wearing iheart ae pie booty shorts when when you initially said ae pie like ae pie i i i was thinking of uh aopi which is a sorority so it's like why did he give you another sorority oh that would be bad yeah that would be really that's why i was wondering why that's funny though i i i'm sorry that so much has happened to you in in the last few months including this person but i hope that things get better and you're over this and fuck her you can make some money off of this or something cute i'm gonna give you some advice so sell the jeans i can't picture a single pair of jeans that are

worth $400 unless they're like off-white or like some like even the most expensive jeans that I've had they're usually not even good like the most expensive I've spent $300 $400 on jeans and I like like the $100 jeans better like they fit better so I just can't imagine them being great no I can only imagine them if they're like white off-white from like Virgil's last collection like that's it like that's like the only thing that i could fathom but if they don't look like they're 400 sell them if i can't tell by immediately looking at them sell them hi megan melissa first of all i love the podcast i have been listening since day one so i just wanted to put that out there um so i need some advice i am almost 25 she her pronouns first i'll be talking

about is 22 I believe she her pronouns we'll call her Jessica so basically I'm getting married next month and I had a really really small bridal shower with a lot of rescheduling issues a lot of people couldn't make it you know it's summer it's busy we totally get it this one particular friend Jessica she had you know been telling me that she was so excited to go that she wouldn't miss it for anything she even asked you know go into work to cover and she said no I you know it's my quote-unquote best friend's bridal shower just for a little background we used to work together we got really close but other than that like we are good friends I wouldn't call her a best friend but we are close so basically the night before we have been talking and she basically sounded like

she wasn't sure if she was gonna go I personally think the reason they have been not entirely factual relating to child care even though for months she had been telling me she had it all arranged so the night before I kind of got those vibes so the day of she's also known to be pretty flaky we've invited her to a lot of things and she has not shown up and the most frustrating thing is that we always we my fiance and I always prioritize going to you know her son's birthdays you know her graduation like all kinds of things like that we always make it a priority we always show up for her and that's why this is so frustrating so on saturday don't hear a single word from her um she'd also made a comment about how early it was when it was literally at 11 a.m but

that's fine yeah i was just really really hurt by it i just felt like you know she talks a big game and doesn't show up to things repeatedly and i think she doesn't realize that she's flaky but tons of people that you know we who also know her that we know you know kind of refer to her as being pretty flaky and you know not to invite her she never shows up even if she claims that she will so she sent me this really long apology on Monday so I had heard from her the whole weekend sent me this long apology on Monday and honestly I don't really know how to respond I just was more upset that she didn't even think to message me the day of to ask me how it went because If there was a genuine reason that you couldn't make it because of child care, I completely understand that.

But I, you know, also need some respect of communication. So anyway, just need some advice on what you think I should say. Has anyone told Jess that they feel this way about her, like, time management and, like, that she's flaky? Because you say that, like, you don't think that she knows that, but you all, like, talk about that. because I think that like we all have different expectations with like our relationships and friendships and when we make plans and stuff like that but I think we can't put our own expectations onto other people without having a conversation so like I'm someone who I'm I I'm a very like low maintenance friend like if you want to cancel something like totally fine

like will definitely do that but if I if I was like friends with someone who like that really bothered them that I would like would last minute cancel or something I would want them to like let me know that because that wouldn't that doesn't bother me so like I don't think there's like a universal sort of thing there I think that I'm a little confused about how she like hinted that she might not come because that to me I would just straight up be like I thought I found some child care I don't think I have any so if that changes I'll text you in the morning but if you don't hear from me that's because I I'm having to do primary care so like I think that there's a communication lapse but it feels like unless you like like you bring that up and you say that

I think it makes sense to me how this keep routinely happening is happening if no one's had a conversation because I think it's hard to change your behavior if you don't know like if if she has no idea that like to her maybe she communicated that like oh i don't think maybe you're more direct do what i mean like i would need someone to be like i like i don't think i'm not going to be able to come tomorrow here's like the final consensus or whatever but this just feels like maybe you're just mismatched friendship wise i would say like if it was a like getting lunch or getting dinner yeah i understand this but this is a brighter bridal shower which is a big deal that she's known about for a while also the caller checked with her and and double checked

to make sure that she was coming plus with the bridal shower you have to like get party favors and then get food for people and stuff so like there's a lot of planning that goes into it so like if it was something that was very basic sure be flaky but when it's something that is important to me that's my bridal shower that a lot of planning goes into it a lot of money goes into it there's games that are to be played too i've never been to a bridal shower i didn't know that there i i thought it's like like when that's different than like an engage when you get engaged and you invite people over for drinks it's like a that yeah okay i take it back i don't i don't know what a bridal shower is yeah so it's just like this is something that is formal

it's like an RSVP right yeah it's an RSVP yeah that's true there was probably a place setting for her like there's definitely a gift for her so when you check and you said that there was that I was I said that I was coming and I said once in advance that I had child care and then I don't respond or even give you a heads up that day then I think that's very selfish selfish and inconsiderate yeah you're right i apparently did not know what a bridal shower was so no that makes that makes yeah that makes way more sense because and that makes sense why you would want a text like day of to know because it's not a pop in pop out like housewarming party kind of style thing where it's like you might see them there you might catch them you might miss them

like it's it's more structured for that and you would want to rearrange the table you would want of like yeah that makes way more sense and usually like the bridal showers like your closer friends too so it's not even like it's like everyone it's probably like your closest friends and like the family even if it's like your groom or brides the in-laws like family it might be people like you don't specifically know and then that's also embarrassing too when you've got this set and then you don't have a friend show up for it yeah yeah no i that that makes total sense and like especially if it's something that is structured it is obvious when someone is missing it's not like it's like there's a very large like clear obvious gap there i think it's nice that she

like sent an apology but yeah no now i get that like that doesn't feel like enough because it came it came after that it could be actually impactful for how like the day was structured or organized you're not like kind of waiting for someone or like saving a serving of something or a gift or whatever and if she didn't offer like an explanation and you are just also assuming that it's kind of child care related this to me just seems like she just might doesn't seem like super responsible and tends to like over commit and under deliver which is a really frustrating trait that I think checks out for being 22 because it especially like I can imagine having a kid too with like you've dueling sides of you where you really want to come and so you think you can

and you're totally gonna make it happen but like there's a lot more logistics involved than just being someone who doesn't have like a kid and who can just do whatever they want to do so i mean i think you just be honest with her and just be like like i appreciate the apology i really wish this could have happened on saturday you said like i wish this could have happened on saturday and I'm like not gonna lie it really did hurt my feelings that you didn't come and you no-showed I it I obviously would have been sad if you had told me the night before you weren't gonna be able to make it but at least I wouldn't have felt like as disappointed as I did like on the day and I understand that like your life has a lot of things up in the air and like child care is

something that like you didn't say that you had kids I can't begin to like understand like the logistics of like scheduling that stuff. And I know things come up, but it just really hurt my feelings that it felt like I was kind of like an afterthought after you had committed to come. And I understand if something comes up, but in the future, like I would really like if you could let me know ahead of time, because it is really disheartening when it feels like I can't count on you to say that you're going to be there for something. And I look forward to seeing you and then you're not there and it just makes me feel like our like friendship isn't a priority and it's okay if you can't make it to everything that won't change our friendship but i'd rather you

tell me that straight up versus promising you'll be somewhere and then i'm let down when you're not i wouldn't be offended if anyone said that to me you know like i think that like i wouldn't either because you took time and care for it that response is very careful and timed out because the bridal shower is expensive but the wedding's going to be even more expensive and then if she doesn't show up there where you've also set money and a place aside for her then like i just wouldn't be cool with that no if someone no-showed to my wedding and it was a pattern of behavior like it wasn't like there was an emergency or anything but if it was like they were flaky and then they didn't show like that would be done with my friendship like fully fully fully done

but yeah i think the one thing i would say is i really would not bring up the fact that you and your boyfriend fiance sorry i wouldn't bring up that you and your fiance like make a point to be there for her son's stuff i just would not include him in any of the conversation because i don't know if she's like a single parent but regardless friendships change a lot when people have kids and it's really hard when single people friends with people who have kids like that's why a lot of new parents become friends with other parents because you you do need someone who can be a little be understanding and know where you're coming from in similar schedules and stuff like that i think that will always be easier for someone who does not have kids to attend something

for a kid than someone with kids to attend something without their kid it's like it's just not comparable i just wouldn't bring that up because i don't think that she's intentionally malicious here like i think unless you're trying to go into a situation with something somebody who is intentionally malicious going in with like a tit for tat kind of thing like well we do this for you i it just doesn't it never ends well because it feels really transactional and i only think that works if someone's doing something intentionally to harm you not unintentionally right but this yeah i would i would definitely be annoyed now that i know what a bridal shower is and i'm sorry i didn't know what a bridal shower was i've been to so many weddings but

not a bridal shower all right so now we're gonna get to don't blame them we're gonna have two this episode if you don't know what don't blame them is this is a segment on our show where people aka listeners not just random people off the street listeners call in and give their own advice pertaining to a call we had on a previous episode so maybe they have some personal experience with it where we did not, or they have some additional insight, or they just have some strong feelings they would like to share with the original caller and the rest of the class. Hi, Megan and Melissa.

I'm calling in regards to Season 10, Episode 3 for the toddler teacher who has an assistant teacher that is overstepping their boundaries. Unfortunately, I have been in this situation myself as an elementary teacher. I often have had educational assistants that have felt like they knew more than I did, and they would overstep my boundaries, and it's very frustrating, and it's unfortunately not a rare occurrence. I do agree with Melissa that this situation is going to solve itself, especially because this teacher is overstepping their boundaries.

I know somebody that I graduated with who was pretty much exactly like the assistant that this caller is referring to, and they lost their job because they were not being professional or appropriate in their environment. So I think the caller should keep that in mind. Additionally, though, if it doesn't end up, you know, working in her favor, I think it's important to remember that you are the teacher and there's going to be people like this person that are overstepping your boundaries. And don't be afraid to remind the person that you're working with that this is my classroom.

I am the person that directly responds to the families at all times so if you want to do things in the classroom or you want to plan things it needs to be run by me first so I think reminding the teacher of that is very important the teacher assistant and if the teacher assistant still does not follow through with that then that's when you can really get administration involved like Melissa said, definitely document the times that she's overstepping and the times that she is being inappropriate and not doing what is in her job description. One last thing regarding the certification, depending on what her position is, she might not even need a certification for it. So before that becomes an issue, just make sure that her role is not a non-certified position

because that could get you into a mess that you don't even want to get yourself involved into. I hope that it works itself out. I hope if this person does remain in the school that they back off and give you some peace. But know that you're the teacher. It's your classroom. You call the shots and it's okay to advocate for yourself. So I hope it gets better. And I wish you the best of luck in the next coming weeks as you deal with the situation. Thanks. Bye. thinking about this more I've told you I don't know if I've said that on the podcast before but my school like public school but we had multi-age learning programs so we had like kindergarten with first graders like it was two grades in each classroom very small less than it's like 20 kids in each like so there's like I think I'd be like between seven to ten kids in each grade maybe we had maybe it was like 10 to 15 we always had like less than 30 kids I think around like 20 kids in the class and that would be with two grades combined but we had aids

specifically for like certain specific students had like their own personal aids who would just aid them like not the whole classroom but we had parents who would be in we had to have like at least two parents at every class which I always thought was like great because it takes a village it is also just shows incredibly how privileged it is where it's a public school and you're expecting parents to be able to come in at least two parents and every parent was required at some point to come do that you have to have parents who can do that like career-wise but i was thinking about like holy shit now imagine like people say that the worst part about teaching i mean it's sometimes the administration like your boss is but a lot of times parents like now imagine that

coming from parents who literally know nothing about the specific situations like i think about that now with my like elementary school teachers i'm like damn how did you handle that and the parents had fucking thoughts and feelings about everything i think about i have flashbacks of my mother coming she just sometimes just do pop-up visits in classrooms and she did have thoughts and feelings about things um also my grandmother who was uh i mentioned before she was a teacher for blind and some and when she she would always come for grandparents day and have a lot of thoughts and feelings too so um i understand i loved when people's grandparents would come like this i was upset because i didn't have like grandparents who live close by but i loved it like this i was like

this is so fun my grandmother is very um great woman i take a lot after i look exactly like her but i also take a lot after her she's a very proud sophisticated woman who can tear you down with her words but you don't realize it very sharp a nice southern woman yeah but like bougie too so it was like she came dressed to the nines to the classroom so it was very i'm sure intimidating for the teacher and i would have loved that before that she was like always the smartest person yeah always i was obsessed with glamorous grandmas so much so much you know what sydney's and jerry's mom wants to be called and she's a grandma glammy she wants to be a glam grandma that's what uh nene leaks is called glamour that checks out so shout out to teachers we talk about

it in this week's episode of but am i wrong but sending teachers so much i feel like we should also the government should also give teachers at home punching bags and gym memberships so they can like get their aggression out agree the patients hey guys so i'm a don't blame them for i don't know what series but it was the most recent episode three there was a caller struggling with their career having just gotten a job in their industry is feeling really underwhelmed and not sure if it's right for them. I just want to say that I was in that very same position four years ago. I had graduated uni, landed my first paid job in the industry, which for me is the music industry, and it was really, really tough. I'm not going to lie, I thought I was on top of

the world. I thought that I had all the skills and that I'd gained all of the knowledge in university and through the multiple unpaid internships that I had done. I graduated with a Bachelor of entertainment management. And my first few months of this job, I just thought, why on earth am I here? It doesn't really seem like I'm contributing to the greater good. And I wasn't using my level of expertise to its full extent. So I had to consider what was important to me. I've learned over the past four years that I'm always going to be a cog in the machine, whether I'm an entry level administrator or whether I'm the CEO. I never have stopped learning. And I was really naive back then to think I was deserving of something greater. I think that if there was

one thing I could tell myself, it would just be suck it up and do the job. I made the decision to do exactly that and stick around for at least a year. I'm so proud I did. I figured out what my priority was, which was to stay in the area that I was passionate about. This might not be what the caller decides, which is absolutely fine. As Megan and Melissa said, a lot of self-reflection as to whether the career trajectory in this company and field is something that is really important to the caller or whether realistically they want to head in a different direction and place higher salaries and better benefits at the forefront that is also really fine circling back to skills and knowledge though prior to my first admin job I worked at Maccas for seven years and so my first few weeks

in an industry paid job I cannot tell you how bored I was I was completing all my tasks before 10 30 and asking for more and it was dirty work like emptying the dishwasher setting up board meetings and sorting mail. All these tasks taught me so much though and I'm forever grateful for the groundwork that I did to now, four years later, be in a job where my manager trusts me, I have flexible working, I've negotiated pay, closed a gender pay gap between me and a colleague and was potentially poached by another company and I get to work with artists and help them which is important to me. Often I think we live in a world of comparisons. I struggle with this myself to this day I have friends who haven't studied whatsoever but are making 40k more than me

and I also have friends who simply chose higher earning fields than me and then I wonder where I went wrong I have to remind myself though that I didn't actually go wrong because if I take them out of the picture I'm over the moon with me my story and my accomplishments so yeah I just wanted to say that you're not alone it is really tough but also pick yourself up make some hardcore decisions and things don't often get handed to people on silver platters beautifully beautifully said i think the cog in the machine part is really true and i've thought about this call a lot more since and i don't think anybody in any position similar to what she said like from an entry level to a ceo you will never every day be using your degree and all of your expertise to the best like

to the fullest extent because you would implode like it's just not physically possible like operating at a level of being like I want it to be everything that like I'm using all of that stuff like that's not it's not sustainable and like if you go into a job I think in general with that then no matter like you're never going to be paid or treated to equate to putting 150% out constantly and like to be using all parts of your all of that stuff like the cog in the machine part and the boredom and stuff that sucks but if you think of the alternative the alternative is not sustainable and people take advantage in no matter what position you are you should never be giving every single thing that you have to your job because then you will

be left with absolutely nothing and you're never going to be accurately compensated or rewarded for giving all of that and I think that hustle culture has made us feel like that and made us feel like like the degrees that you earn need to be used every single day like to be fair I think most degrees most undergrad degrees are hoops to jump through and like and to get into these jobs and get into these rooms and I think they instill a false sense of importance in college like those teachers do and everything about that so you feel like what you're doing is not that like so it's not you're just going through the motions to end up getting a job but you're going to utilize and use all of that stuff and that like your job should be challenging fulfilling rewarding

like emotional like all of these things like all at once that's just the romanticizing of capitalism and everyone needs to do their job but a ceo the top of the line like a lot of ceos do least amount of work like it's just like if you think about i always think about everything like a set like everyone needs to do their job and nothing more and nothing less if you do more than your job on a set you make it harder and worse for everyone and i think about too like depending on where you land at a job or where you kind of end up like let's say that you know you want to be the boss like you want to be the manager well or even the ceo well you probably some of the creativity that goes into your job that goes away but now you're in charge of every

making sure everyone else's creativity is getting put on and then also done and you become the person that's like we need this on schedule so it's like even the further that you go in your career unless you're someone that just like you know exactly where you want to be and you get to that position then like you're not always going to be doing everything that you want and I saw someone talking about how, you know, they didn't want, like they hit the level at their job where they wanted to be. And I think it was a sales job. Like they hit the level at that sales job and they didn't want to go to the next level as like a manager or something because they didn't want to lose what they were doing in their sales job. So instead what they did is they

move through different jobs, like different, like they went to a different company that was bigger. so it paid more money but then they could stay in that same position and that's how they got promotions and jobs and things so it's just all about perspective and how it gets down to the point where i said and you said and also the caller that just did don't blame them what do you want yeah and knowing that you can't just have these grandiose dreams of what you think you might want without putting the work in to get there unless you find a billionaire and marry them and then take their money yeah it becomes your money too that's not a that's not a bad a bad thing but i will say it's not a bad thing at all but if anyone listening lands himself a

billionaire it is your responsibility to malindigate the situation and donate so you you can live comfortably for eternity and all of your children and grandchildren but that you're no longer just a billionaire because same with mackenzie scott she did the same thing and last piece of advice i constantly tell mods which he has never taken from me but i think everybody should do this and in general i also love the anti-work subreddit where they like people talk about how it's really wonderful like for like workplace confrontation like how they people hold boundaries with like their bosses and all of this stuff it's really i hope i hope like ceos and employers look at that to like see how they are treating their employees and stuff but if you go into a job performing at

um 100 that 100 becomes 50 in a week and you can never do you can never do enough once you've done that. So like setting everybody's expectations and standards for your performance and knowing that nobody at the company where you work is doing a hundred percent ever. And that's just what it is. And so if you look around and you see that you're the hardest working person there, that is something that you need to change. That is not what everybody else needs to change. Like you need to meet everyone. You need to meet where other people are at, because again, you will never, ever be accurately compensated for bleeding yourself dry you just won't like if you see someone doing the bare minimum and they're getting paid as much as you all that tells me is you could

be doing that's what that's how what you could be doing that's was the biggest advice that my dad gave me um the one of the first jobs i had i think it was like a job i had in college but it was still like a corporate job and he and i was telling him how i was like getting all my work done like earlier than anyone else and blah, blah. And he said, why? Like they're making the same amount of money as you are. Don't burn yourself out. Don't do more than what's given to you because they don't care. Because the thing is, if you're doing that much in that position, then they're going to want to keep you in that position because then they think that like you're the best at this. So why would I promote you? Yeah. And it's going to be harder for anyone to

get raises and then everybody like they're gonna expect new hires to do more than what their job is what is asked of them and then what doing more than what's asked of you then becomes expected and it's not accurately paid and it's not just for you but it happens to the other people who've been hired like matz has had that at jobs before where people have like he's like they've talked about the job description and he's like those are two completely different jobs like i'm like well this other person did that and then it's like well where are they now like oh they were fired and it's like well yeah like you can't those aren't the same that's not you have to these need to be like two separate positions and it happens like I think it happens more and more

now especially in like the sales and like marketing sides of things because people think that you could just hold up a phone and suddenly you're viral and that's how you're doing all of that stuff but it's always assumed that your bosses are trying to take advantage of you and I think it comes from like the overachiever performance and I think a lot of gifted kids who went through gifted programs that's how they do that and that's the definition of moths and I was like my biggest blessing I was not a gifted child so like I think that there's a lot of proving it to other people versus proving it to yourself that's how I was all like I was a gifted child and I just I I got like a high off of everyone praising me for all the things that I did

and then when i got to college i was so burnt out on it and that's when i had my first bout of depression was in my senior year of college because i got to a point where when i didn't i was doing everything i was doing was to please other people and i was tired and burnt out and then two i realized i didn't want to go to dental school anymore and i was having like a crisis of like i've been doing this for four years what's next and so don't get burnt out and tired and overworked because you're doing more than what's asked of you yeah and i saw this tiktok of a woman who like works in burnout specialty and she said that recovering from burnout takes like two it's minimum it's two full years off of work like not doing any work is how you recover

And she's like, that's next to impossible for people. And so what I do is I coach people through, like, working with burnout. And like, it takes like six years. And like, I will I have been dealing with burnout since 2016, maybe, like, and anyone who like looks at my YouTube or looks at my Instagram, whatever, like you can tell, like, you can tell, I started to go through that. And then I didn't stop working. I like would take little breaks here and there and all of that but like you can't heal from burnout without like actually taking a huge step away and so all of us who are dealing with burnout which so many more people are we're coping with burnout like and so we're coping and trying to get through it but it's going to take so much so much so much longer and it's just like an absolute hellhole and the best thing that you can do what she said she was like it is not burnout is not inevitable like it's it's not a thing that has to happen that's going to happen to everybody like the best thing that you can do is do everything you can to prevent it and to take those care steps because

once you reach the threshold it's so much fucking harder to come back from it eventually when you can prolong it from happening for as long as humanly possible and i wish i had done that like I so so so wish I had and I hope other people listening that like if you can avoid that do it because it's hard it's very hard but our culture promotes it anyways that is it for our episode should we see should I look to see if there's any reviews yeah i think there is from jeff likes cookies so i am 18 i started listening to don't blame me when i was 15 holy shit shortly before the pandemic started hold up you i want to send you so much love because that is the most i have to say that is uh people going through the pen that is the

biggest jump of all ages and i've thought that since the beginning of the pandemic and send any love uh and i'm proud to say how much this podcast has positively impacted my life from being more confident learning how to speak up for myself self starting therapy and maybe most importantly of all learning what it means to truly respect others oh megan and melissa have taught me a lot about being a good person the most recent episode inspired me to write a review because i know i'm not necessarily the target audience as an 18 year old boy but i love these people so much i sometimes credit don't blame me for starting my villain redemption arc because my friends joke that being a villain is just about speaking up for your own feelings and needs even

though they might not coincide with those of others so it brings me joy to look back on how this show is always a part of my life while i was learning how to advocate for myself and how to set boundaries while overall becoming a better person throughout high school i'm excited to see what's to come holy shit jeff likes cookies we've been getting so many good reviews lately and like you're hitting me right in the feels i know but thank you thank you so much jeff i love that definition of villains too like i think that's great like i do think a lot of villains are misunderstood yeah in television not like elon musk yeah no elon musk is not misunderstood oh okay we hope you all enjoyed this episode again if you want to hit us up on patreon

please do we have video versions of the podcast we also do live streams twice a month they're really fun a great way to socialize with people if you are looking for that especially with summer i know summer was a very lonely time for me especially going through like school ages so if you would like to join we would love to have you there no pressure it's really fun i promise it's nobody bites like everybody is so kind and so sweet and if you just want to donate to the patreon to support the show enter in however much money you want uh and stay tuned well don't stay tuned make sure you're subscribed to our other podcast but am i wrong because we have an exciting somewhat related announcement at the end of that episode this week on thursday yeah yeah yeah but

if you're part of our patreon you already know oh you do oh you do you do you do and if you're part of the facebook group you might have had an inkling and if you've applied to be a part of the facebook group i'm sorry we will go we will we're gonna have to start over we're just gonna start over yeah we basically have like rounds of accepting people and then sometimes people we'll comment like we'll sneak them in but we we do a high a large vetting process to ensure that we have a safe community for everybody who is in there if you're still listening to this head on over to our instagram make sure you're following us as well as our tiktok and comment comment what celebrity you would want to throw your bridal shower oh that's a good one because i think the

only answer is oprah like bridal shower specifically oprah is because i think aina garden would throw like a beautiful event but aina she's not dishing out like the i don't think the gift baskets i think it would be like some local manuka honey but like oprah i think oprah would give me like beats a sonos player yeah it'll be her favorite things list like you'd get all that you might get a car you'd get you definitely get a bunch of food like a lot of gift certificates for food you'd get like her pajamas she'd probably embroider them yeah and then the food's gonna because she has like several live-in chefs so the food's gonna be top-notch yeah yeah i agree oprah i can't i'm trying to think of anyone else i don't think there's anyone that tops that i don't

think so but i would love to hear anyone try i also think that like she would give you a basket and everyone would get a basket of some of her homegrown vegetables from her garden and it would be so much stuff that you would have to it would be in a wagon like everyone's would come out in your car she'd put it in your car it'd be so did you see that video of oprah and gail like cooking in the kitchen which i was like i love you girls but let's let is this is why did nobody on your team let you know that this entire video all this did was tell me that neither of you have been in a kitchen cooking yourself for years it was just like do like oprah does like she she does cook in her kitchen maybe it was this specific kitchen but it was the gas burner was just trying to light

so you just hear like the tick tick tick tick a big beat through the entire video and i was like how did nobody stop this it's so it's at the forefront like it's so loud so i wondered if maybe like you know a lot of a lot of especially very wealthy people like that they have their personal kitchens and then they have like the chef kitchens and so i was like i cannot imagine you've cooked in this kitchen a lot maybe it wasn't even hers oprah says that she makes a point to cook at least once a week me too so oprah she is just like us that's it we will oh leave a review and okay i'm done talking is that it yeah goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint

productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso