Don't Blame Me! - Girlfriend Doesn't Love Me Like She Loved Her Ex

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

Fill out our survey! https://www.dontblameme.show/survey This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Not being happy for your friend in a relationship Girlfriend shared her inside thoughts Both the guys you're dating showing up to the hospital Best friend's girlfriend used to hook up with their work bully Don't Blame Them Standing up to racists Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

blast off what are you playing nothing i just like you know how the new twitter feed sometimes you'll get oh that was an ad but sometimes you'll get things that you're like this feels relevant why i'm being fed this ad and sometimes you don't you never know what you're gonna get did you lose your check mark yeah i'm not fucking paying for shit but there but he started giving them back out just randomly again yeah it seems like to people who are complaining about it he's like well now you've been cursed with one and i'm like

that's like really embarrassing so like i don't want to publicly complain in case like i mean i'm not famous enough that he would retaliate and give me one now it's embarrassing it's like an american flag in your bio uh-huh you know um but yeah so i just saw this and i was like what is this and it was like an ad um for something that was like very not related to me you know what i got an ad for and this is how they're getting even better so you remember when last week when we were both trying to figure out what that l word is for the thing that gets our memory juices going that we were both taking a supplement that has some l thing why did it show up in my feet not even like we didn't even say the word we just talked around it we didn't know what it was

yes it's getting even better i'm fine with it i'm fine with it hot take i love it yeah when i don't when i get things that have nothing to do with me that's when i get angry i'm like well i'm like why aren't you listening to me why aren't you listening to me but also you wasted these people's advertising dollars you're you're not serving just the right customer and as somebody who is constantly trying to reach new things in my professional life like i know that this was a wasted opportunity i constantly will make jokes with like mobs and his brother i'm like honestly like team china and all of this and they're both like megan no and i was like haven't you seen said that publicly i have but they're both just like and i was like the u.s is listening to me and i'm

not gaining anything from it like this is about what benefits me personally and you have benefits me personally when melissa's talking about a specific clip from the tire banks show and then it shows up my for you page that's what benefits me yes my facebook ads are irrelevant oh my god but speaking of technically this was someone promoted it on facebook but i was on facebook marketplace and you know when someone promotes their product on facebook marketplace you can see it in the sense that it'll be like oh offering shipping so they might not be as local um or they are relatively local still and you can see it i'm gonna text it to you okay and i need everybody to go onto the patreon to watch the video reaction this reminds me of the old days of ebay there

would be things like that on there all the time and then that epic that weird episode well no they're all most of them are weird of glee when they had the grilled cheeses jesus that is actually i think a real one that someone tried to say i know i know it was based off a true story everybody uh someone is selling for 500 a heart-shaped waffle fry from carl's jr but the exact title of it is red heart waffle fry carl's jr unique it's not red it is golden brown it's a seasoned fry a seasoned waffle fry also i wouldn't even call it a heart no no neither would i should i think it looks more like a rooster it looks like a if you were making easter cookies and you didn't let the dough cool and you were trying to make a chick or a hen and then it kind

of like puffed out yeah like and it looks like a rooster like i said literally i'm like what is this person doing trying to make a quick buck but i'm like now you've wasted a tasty fry you could have had and also like urban legend that anybody fucking wants this man like nobody wants this nobody actually buys these things no let's see if it's still available because at what point do you take pictures of it when it's molding still available well it is a it is a fry from america fast food restaurant it's four dollars to ship it will arrive may 1st to may 3rd as we're recording this it is april 25th so it's gonna get even riper um and it says almost gone only one left but it has been shaved by six saved by 61 shoppers purchased today 3 29 23 wait january

february march march that's what i'm saying it is an american fry from a restaurant fast food restaurant that thing's gonna last for at least a year so the date range is listed 2020 to now purchase today make someone feel as special as i did when i got it and sadly there are no returns this is a final sale so if they got it are they saying they bought it that way or someone gifted it to them because what if their child their two-year-old their i'll make them a little older what if their three-year-old walked up to them and was like mommy look it's a heart put it in a shadow box and hang it on your wall eat it that is the only acceptable answer is to eat it i just have to say compared to the rest of their facebook listings

they're all like blurry pictures of like this is by far she put the most time and effort like it is reflected like she's selling a baby outfit and shoes for ten dollars includes shoe shoes made of fabric we're not getting a lot of details there we're not getting like how this outfit like made her feel when she put her kid in it and appropriately it's only ten dollars and so i have to say there is an increase in description photo quality for the five hundred dollars like so i do think we are paying for some of her time for listing it well also this feeds into my story of this being from her child yep she's selling so much random shit oh she is selling a 900 designer red sofa that looks like a blood clot so maybe she should do it as a combo with the

heart fry yep she says you might want to reupholster it but i'm sure it could be scrubbed clean no thank you i'm good anyway welcome to don't blame me uh we know you're so glad you tuned in and you're like this feels very appropriate for the show it does it really does this is on the notes this is exactly who we are this is what we stand for you know what actually that is an ethical scam a 500 waffle fry yeah you know what you're getting into yeah so anyways I'm a like I'm a leg in I just combined our names is that our

our ship name my leg in that sounds like uh like a there's a it's a mystical Irish log and that's there's definitely some monsters name there my leg in oh my leg in that's like oh my leg oh my leg

I have not taken my takes to eight I haven't taken my Adderall yet so it's gonna wait about 10 minutes but maybe I should take it now should we explain what this is this is a podcast where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and we are authorities on this subject because what more do you need to see what we're needed here clearly if this is your first episode i'm sure you're like yeah these are people i would trust with the nuclear codes these are the people that i would trust to give the sage wisdom and advice to all of the most important political figures and dare i say

these these two hotties certified hotties should be the leaders of not only the nation not only the world but specifically melissa's case because i do get seasick so i'm assuming i'm gonna get space sick i get seasick too but then how are you gonna deal with your is it willpower i feel like with the aliens you'll get transcendent to a place where it's not a problem they'll just inject you the dramamine they'll make this human needs dramamine they'll inject me with something oh my god their semen is just but anyway y'all thank you for listening thank you for being here thank you for participating please call in we're getting low on calls so please call in write it down call in when we

post on instagram to call in people everybody calls so just don't wait on your laurels the time is now the time is now everybody and think about this might be the call you want to see in the world and remember they're anonymous and i promise you nobody will be able to tell that it's your voice and if you're worried use a voice changer or practice your switch up your accent there talk like moira rose imagine someone gives us like the most like juicy fucking call with like moira like my bad oh that'd be really funny we'd love that we wholeheartedly embrace the the theatrics and the camp of it all as long as it matches the story don't give us some really heartbreaking story where we're like cracking up laughing because of your accent yeah i think i'm

looking forward to cracking up um yeah that's a good that's a that's that's a pretty good call on melissa's part i don't think through these things that's why there's both of us here on this podcast how do you send the calls in megan oh my gosh that's a really great question i'm so glad you asked you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com keep it under three minutes like well said practice write it down read it get your groove on have it feel good and then and then deliver the beautiful product to us in the email or on our voicemail and then we get to listen to it and if you want to watch our reactions listening join our patreon it helps us with

just supporting and continuing to do the show we also do live streams twice a month they're very fun we literally just hang out and i've mentioned it before but one of the recent comments i got on a youtube video that made me laugh with someone saying i love watching your youtube videos since i've joined the patreon and like these are like so calming and like relaxing and like you're just like fucking insane like in and i was like yeah you get unmedicated megan i just like love it i see all sides of you so and if we get uh enough demand maybe you'll see more sides of us only fans just a nude podcast shall we get into the advice giving yes we shall hey there megan marissa i'm in a bit of a tricky situation because I need advice about that one friend who I always go to

advice for. So I'm hoping you guys can help. Your main players for today are me. I'm 25. I use she, they pronouns and I'm autistic. My best friend, they, them, they're 26 and they have PhDs and their partner is six months who also uses they, them pronouns and is 23. For some context, my best friend and I have been best friends for 19 years. They're typically very emotionally intelligent. So usually the person I share basically everything with, and then the very vice versa, we share everything with each other. And lastly, I have pretty severe trauma around relationships that I'm kind of embarrassed about, because it's more so that I've been rejected so many times that even seeing happy couples in movies makes me break down crying. I had to turn down a friend's wedding invitation because of it.

I'm actively working on it in therapy, and this friend is very aware of this whole situation. So on to the main event. I've had a very hard time dating my whole life. My best friend moved to the big city near our hometown and found a serious relationship in about two months. I'm very happy for them, but I struggle with feeling like I can't just be happy for them when they tell me things about their relationship because of my triggers. In the past, they were really good about respecting my triggers, but as they've spent more time in this relationship, I've noticed that flipped. I'm also very bad about making my own boundaries around this because I feel silly that I just can't be happy for them. I struggle a lot with recognizing it as legitimate trauma because it just feels silly to me.

But then I also know that it's real, even if society kind of makes me feel weird about it. But I was visiting home, and we made plans for me to meet their partner. We knew it would be really rough for me, but I also know that this is important to them. So I agree. And I was really excited. But then we actually met up for dinner. The whole time at dinner, there was just a bonkers amount of PDAs. Like kissing hands, stroking hair, and whispering to each other.

And I don't want to be like, you can't be all cute and cuddly around me because I'm glad they're happy and shit. But I had to talk to myself out of several meltdowns. It felt like I happened to be there when they were on a date for most of it. And for me, it felt awkward like I imagined it would be for anyone and still be triggering. I genuinely liked their partner and would hang out with both of them again. I wouldn't even really hang out with just their partner. I think they're really cool. But I deeply dread hanging out with the two of them again, considering the dynamic.

I know I can't have boundaries. I don't communicate. So I want to talk about this with my friends. i'm just not sure how to i think like you're incredibly self-aware and that's like a really good thing especially in this and that you're working on this in therapy i think this is very unrelated to to this and like i think you even know that because you're like i think this would have been too much for anyone yes it would have like this is uncomfortable i hate this i'm never talking to them i'm never going with them i love megan and motz but if they

if we're together and they're sitting there canoodling while i'm trying to have a meal i would have thrown something at them and you would have been justified in doing so that would have been a provoked you would have got if you murdered me you would have gotten off scot-free no charges because i i provoked you like this is not okay like i i really hate this And I've said before, I have a very hard time with like, kissing in movies, like sex scenes and movies, like intimacy and movies. I don't give a shit about it in like my daily life. Like I'm happy for my friends. Like I'm not like, the aversion to it is mean childhood trauma, obviously, that is like the thing that and I and then there's the part of like the professional

aspect that like, I know what goes on behind the scenes. And so like, I'm just like hyper analyzing it. And I'm just like feeling awkward from all points of view. So that doesn't translate for for me into like being hyper grossed out by PDA I am just a regular person who has absolutely zero desire to watch my friends canoodle when I am right there it's just not the right time and place I was literally out with on a double date with some friends before and they were canoodling to the extreme of the guy was grabbing the gal's breast while they're sitting having a regular conversation and i was like dude like how how is this how are we in public and you think this is okay do y'all get off on other people watching you which not to kink chain but everybody needs to be

be consenting consenting and if i and the rest of the public are not consenting to watch y'all grope each other then this is not something that we should be a part of yeah i i've had one person that i used to be friends with melissa when i tell you that like i mean i've already told you you already know all of this like the friendship is real and if you are displaying overt pda with you our partner it will get to a point where i like legitimately can't be friends with you anymore like because like it's so disrespectful it's so fucking gross and weird and it's like why am i here like a whispering in the ear and it's like do you want me to do you want me to leave like right because you clearly don't want to have a conversation with me if y'all are just over here

whispering and feeling hot breath on your ear like that's between y'all and y'all can't take that back home why am I here are you gonna do that in the would you do that in the workplace you do that in front of your family would you do that in front of like your elderly grandparents will do it in front of their family and so that that that is jail time like like this is just like just not it's just like so not okay and it's just it's just like it's just gross so like I would just say having a conversation do not put the onus on you and like your boundaries for relationship speak and like your issues with rejection because that is so unrelated to this and I think that you're giving them like way too much credit because in this sense like you've said

you have a hard time with respecting your own and enforcing your own boundaries because you feel like you're you know that it is you're dealing with trauma but you still have a hard time using that word and defining it as such and so i think that this is be if you lump this in with that's the reason why you feel uncomfortable with this i think it's an uphill battle because you're still having you're still working through defining what you're going through and like working on this personal thing like this is not a you this is not a you thing this is a them thing and this is a universal them thing and it's just like hey like i really liked me and your partner like they were really great I just I would like to hang out with both of you again I would hang out obviously with

you individually hang out with them individually but I am just so not down for the PDA so if that's where you're at with your relationship right now when it's in that honeymoon phase and it's like all very exciting like that's totally cool I support you when that simmers down like we'll hang out again as a group but like I just I have your fun like I don't need to be there for that like I've met you like we've done that and if they don't respect that I've had that in a friend where it was just kind of just like well no we'll keep doing this and I'm like that wasn't up for conversation like I'm not gonna keep fucking doing this shit and if they want you to be around for all of that then it's like okay I think we'll take a pause on our friendship until like and again no

hard feelings but this is just not fun for me like it's it's not fun and that's the exact wording that i've used before when telling someone about it and you know i'm not gonna tell you that it went well yeah but i'm good and then the fact that they call you and tell you things when you've asked them not to when you've already set up boundaries that to me just shows that they're they don't care they don't care about what your boundaries and i don't know if you need to reinforce them But just let them know that like, hey, I'm not comfortable with hearing this. I'm happy for you. I'm happy that you're happy.

But this is not something that I feel comfortable hearing right now, especially since they know that your work, this is something that you're working on in therapy, too. Yeah, it's like they're trying to give their own exposure therapy for you to this. And this is just like, it's just not it. And boundaries, boundaries are something that are only on you. So it's like it's not up to someone else to adhere to them or listen to them like boundaries can only be broken by you, not them. And in this instance, it's like I'm not going to have these conversations. So if they call you and they start talking to you about this, you hang up. It's not that you listen and then you course correct over and over again. the boundary is that they know that you don't have these conversations so if they call and they start saying all this stuff it's like oh they must have been mistaken and forgotten that that was a

boundary like it's not on you to coddle someone else through that once you've established that and been clear about it because they can learn and if they're not learning at this point maybe they need to see that you know it is not something that's just going to be glossed over but this is insufferable and I am incredibly sorry because this is just so so icky to me and if it makes you feel any better high likelihood that this is a time period and this is a phase in the early parts of the relationship but I think establishing clear boundaries with like what friend you will be for your friend who's in a relationship and what kind of ear you're going to be and how much you're going to invest your time and energy into like

being on the receiving end of hearing like anything good or bad i think it's good to set up those things to start especially when the things are going good versus when someone's just constantly bitching and complaining about their partner and then setting up boundaries there it's also important to do but you have an opportunity to do that before shit hits the fan but yeah this is giving like it's very exciting to be in a new relationship but i do there's a kind of person who like they need an audience to feel validated and like it's usually people and I'm not trying to say this is who your friend is but people who didn't have it in like high school when it was like a like a form of like social currency where it was like oh everybody knows and sees this where

it's like I'm really happy and I need to show everyone this and like I have a partner and like we're romantic and like we're and I need to show like there's a little bit of that showboating that comes along with that validation from it and most people grow out of that just at the time period when it happens for you yeah well the people that i was around were full-fledged doctors that were doing this so gross yeah disgusting this also reminded when we're talking about people like family members or whatever when i was in high school with this girl on my cheer squad she was actually is when i was just started high school so i was on jv and she was on varsity and she was talking about how she

went on a family trip and her boyfriend came along and they were in the back of their suv her and the boyfriend no and she jacked him off no her siblings were in the middle row and her parents were driving i was like do you not know how rearview mirrors work the first time that she gets her license and she looks in her rearview mirror she goes and your siblings are inches away from you and she's like yeah it got everywhere and we had to use a sweatshirt to what and i was like you are disgusting and i don't even know you and you're just telling this to a group of because it was 16 on jv and 16 on varsity so you're telling this to a group of 32 people where you don't even know half of us and you think this is normal

you're disgusting i have no words let this be a psa to everybody fuck pda yes fuck pda hold hands in public go for it hug in public like when it's you and your partner just you what fucking ever what fucking ever you can be sweet you can be whatever but like the whole like like no no all right call two hi megan and melissa i'm my pronouns are they them and i'm 23 years old i've been dating my girlfriend whose pronouns are she her um she's 25 and we've been dating since the end of october of 2021 we became exclusive about three weeks after our first date and she told me she loved me in January of 2022, and I said it back like immediately. About a month after she told me that she loved me, she told me that she didn't feel the same way about me that she did

about her ex, who was her first love. I don't remember much about the conversation because it was extremely emotional and very triggering. What I remember was that she said she was worried because falling for me didn't feel the same. I didn't feel like the rush of falling in love for the first time. That triggered my abandonment issue and I just shut down. I went home and cried and then the next day we talked about it. I told her that it hurt me. She apologized profusely and talked me through her feelings and her explanation and vulnerability were sincere and good enough for me to decide to put it behind me and work on trusting her again. We, honest to God, have not had any problems of this magnitude since and she doesn't bring her ex up often or inappropriately.

now we're planning on moving in together in July and I have had I've had to confront the fact that I am not over that I can't even think about it we have crying we have open communication but I honestly don't want to hear anything about this and this is that she loves me more than she ever loved her which is a little ridiculous I do have a therapist and I've talked to her about it a little bit but I hate talking about it so much that I can't I can't follow through with the session, I kind of just end up changing the topic or crying. Just for some extra information, I do have diagnosed PTSD and severe attachment issues because of my lovely, lovely dad. And I've been in treatment since I was 15 in talk therapy. I'm on medication. I have a psychiatrist.

I'm looking into more intense trauma therapies. And I honestly would not do this unless I was confident I'm a really good communicator but this is just too hard for me um do you have any tips on how to have this conversation I'm at a loss honestly thank you have a great day oh my god my heart breaks for you why would anyone ever say this that's the definition of an inside thought like yes and I don't want to like devalue like any of the explanation that what your girlfriend said But to me, that statement, not only is it an inside thought, it's an incredibly naive thought. Like, as someone who has been in love multiple times, who's farther along in a relationship, I can tell you that, like, the desire of wanting falling in love,

falling in love to be, like, the first time you ever fell in love, is to me is just not showing a lot of like experience and it's just not showing a lot of life experience and doesn't have someone who doesn't have a good perspective or bird's eye view on their life or the trajectory of their future or anything like that you are a very good communicator i can even tell that just from the call and i don't think your girlfriend is and i don't think that in all cases that that is like a deal breaker but i completely understand that there are some things that are too hard to talk about because like, it's just hurtful. Like there's nothing productive that comes out of that. And as you've said, like there's one answer that

you want from her in that. And that's not a position that you don't want to put yourself in and you don't want to put her in if it's not that. Like, I think that is like emotionally traumatizing for you. But I think the way the conversation needs to go is I would first start by writing everything down and like how you feel and seeing that and I would show your therapist and it might be easier for you to communicate with your therapist that way I also don't know if you do therapy in person or virtual or anything like that or a phone call I have a much easier time being vulnerable or like sharing something that's like really uncomfortable for me to talk about when I'm not like face to face with someone so if you do do in-person therapy maybe saying like I would

like to talk about this situation that you know about, but I've had a really hard time with it. So I was wondering if we could do a phone call session this week instead. And if that might be more of comfort to you. And I find when I have a much easier with hard, I have better time with hard emails. But like it's for me, I would rather something have been in writing, then I'm going to say over the phone and then the last would be like in person based on my level of like being vulnerable if it's something that's hard to talk about. But yeah, I would write it all down and I don't know that I would say I'm not saying I would read it to her or give her a letter like I think the conversation needs to be within the parameters that you feel safe and comfortable

and so to me I would just pivot it to not be rehashing the exact thing that happened but saying like you know that when that was said like that you know always that that like has really hurt me and I have a really hard time even talking about it or thinking about it it's devastating to me but as we're making the choice to move in together i need to know where you stand and your feelings stand on the security and of of our relationship like if you still have the same feelings of like i don't don't say again that you it doesn't feel the same or anything like that but like i need to know before we make this choice if those worries there that it's not emulating something else are still there for you and i need to know if you could go back in time

how would you do it again like would would you go because that's the thing that like for me like there's an apologizing for something like that a lot of people will apologize for like hurting your feelings or doing something like that but they'll stand by the decisions they made because they feel like that's important to them and so for me in terms of like apologies and moving forward or just having some sort of not closure but for it to feel a little bit more complete for me and less open-ended it's like I need to know that if you could go back in time you wouldn't do that like you wouldn't say that like you see the error in your ways and like that is something that you regret and it's not something that's because to me that's like a lesson learned like if you

put that in a different font I'm gonna realize that those inside those like that inside thought i'm not going to share that with you like i'm not going to share something that i'm viewing as something vulnerable for me to someone who it is like directly going to hurt like i need to know moving forward that like yes that was a mistake but that's not something that you're going to continue to do in different versions if we live together because i i think it's you need to not this needs to be cleared up before you live together because this is to me and i obviously don't know to you what's the the part the part to me that would stick is the the I don't I don't know this is not it's not what it was before and like it's not adding up to that and then that

feels like you're you can't relax you're not steady like this isn't a certainty the resentment is going to continue to build because right now you resent her and like if the further that you're in this relationship the longer the resentment is going to build and that's not healthy for you that's not healthy for your relationship I don't I honestly don't think that the same as Megan saying I don't think y'all should be moving in together because in the back of your mind you're thinking she settled for me and she's still in love with her ex because if it's not the same like I don't think that you love anyone the same that you loved anyone before but the love that I felt in different relationships it with somebody that I'm making like a commitment and a long-time

commitment if you see yourself living together you it should not be a comparison it should be like this is who I'm I'm settling down with not settling for yeah I think that y'all have y'all have to talk this out you have to because this is not gonna end up well it's all it's weighing you down so much and you can't even think about it without crying maybe things have changed but like and you might be holding on to something that's not something that she still believes but I just don't see how y'all can move forward if this is something that she has said and done and still has actively has feelings towards yeah I agree and I think at this point if this is something that you're this you can be hurt by something and have like moved on regained you know the

relationship has gotten better and you've processed and it's in the past and like you know it's a blip but this to me you still having these it's like a trauma response you still having this response to it just tells me that she hasn't given you a reason to to feel secure she hasn't given you a reason that and I wonder if the moving in together you think it might be that that like well they didn't like I don't know but like in my assuming they didn't live together so it's like oh okay so then maybe this will feel like I'm I'm I'm I'm better than that and like this relationship is better and it's just it's not going to end up well because that's that's you're giving them so much power to just like absolutely wreck you and hurt you and they already have so i think like at

this point like you really need to protect your emotional well-being and yourself and be really really really straightforward and honest and even if it's hard even if it takes hours to get through it and even if you're crying and even if you need to take like a like a 25 minute break because you're sobbing like persisting through that and if you don't feel safe and comfortable continuing that conversation with them like that's all you need to know then because it's been almost two years since y'all started dating and your partner said this to you a few months like it's been over a year since that happened because that was january of 2022 and so the you're still holding on to this like and y'all are in this serious of a relationship for this long it needs to be

dealt with yeah and i'm telling you that like you feel this way and you've continued to feel this way not because of like you but because like your relationship hasn't progressed in a way where your partners made you feel like that was that wasn't the truth like you you haven't created this elaborate web of lies like it's their responsibility to have complete like apologized for that and then fully shifted the narrative to prove to you that that's not how they feel and that's not how they still feel to this day and if you're still questioning that that means they haven't done that right especially because y'all have been dating for three weeks at that point too and so like i wouldn't think after dating somebody for three weeks that you would be as no and yeah

so that to me is also like is this the first relationship you've had because that just feels intentionally mean of course you don't fucking feel that way it just feels like that there wasn't that much thought that went into saying it and meaning like did she actually mean like because that was you know three weeks into your relationship it's been almost two years so maybe like at that time it wasn't like she wasn't quite ready to say i love you but now she's fallen like I think I was more in love with you it's still like months after it was because she said they got together in October and then the girlfriend said that in January said I love you and said that so no she said uh after three weeks of them being together in October she said I love you and

then in January is when she told her that she didn't love her the same way so it's still only been a couple months but it's the same person it's the girlfriend who said I love you and then months because this is my thing I think you can say I love you as early as you feel it in a relationship but then you cannot have a like just a throwaway comment like if you love somebody you cannot then say something like that that is like so hasty and it's like oh well I don't know them all that well and I'm like then you can't tell someone you love them you can feel it but you can't say that then like she said it before she actually felt it and now it's been years and she actually feels it now so maybe she wasn't the reason it didn't feel the same is because she

wasn't actually in love with you yet yeah and i just but that needs to be said and it needs to be acknowledged and this has like so caller this is like legitimately absolutely nothing to do with you if she's gonna chase the feeling of your first love that is something that they'll be chasing for the rest of their life like because it is a small circumstance and it is a life period and a time it's like the first time you try a food you can never try a food for the first time ever again like there's that there's something it's new it's different and it's exciting but when you are an emotionally mature person every relationship has better firsts than the first first there is literally zero part of me that wants any of my relationships after my first relationship to be

like my first love to be like my first love like I don't want that like if I I know for you it might feel like she's settling for you but if she's trying to recreate if they're trying to create their first love that's settling to me that's settling like there is no growth there's no improvement like I am a better partner in every relationship I've been in and I've been with better people and I've had better relationships and if I'm gonna reminisce and romanticize i don't know like 16 17 years old that's not a me that i want in an adult relationship and that's not who i want to be in an adult relationship with and regardless of the age that you are in like a first relationship like that like you have your training wheels on and romanticizing

and like wanting and wishing for something that is not if you're no and also just like it's not sustainable like a new even if you stay with the person that was your first love it doesn't stay like that forever and like that's a good thing you don't want to stay in that phase of like oh I'm constantly nervous around you and like oh I'm like I'm nauseous I can't eat like I'm scared to fart in front of you like no no there's like this level of like comfort and ease that comes with really legitimately cannot get until you've spent the time with someone and you've like grown together so like this kind of like new sort of feeling and thing that will go away even if you end up with the fucking person you the first your first love yep it's romanticizing

nothing it's romanticizing an idea and a fleeting moment an idea that doesn't exactly that doesn't really yeah and i'm going to go out on a limb and say that your partner hasn't had a lot of relationship experience and that this might have been it and that maybe they really tend to live in the fantasy world and of romanticizing things and they might romanticize past friendships they might romanticize time periods in their life but when it comes to like actual logistics and life that's not going to serve them nor is it going to serve you because that i hate the whole phrase like don't look in the past you're not going there but it's also reflect it's reflects a lack of like self-awareness and desire for personal growth which i think is the most attractive

feature in a long-term partner especially a partner you're going to live with like you need to have a partner who you're living with who you want to be a better version of yourself for who you have no qualms or issues pointing out when like oh they missed this chore and when they do that to you vice versa like this it needs to be a a productive and mutually beneficial relationship and you need to grow together and you can't grow enough for the both of you and you sure as hell should not be on a lease with someone who is not able to grow with you in that sense and even if they say all of the right things if you still have this like aching gut feeling and you can't talk about it without crying you both need to do start going to couples

therapy and you need to put off moving in together because I'm just telling you right now like you're not even going to have you might spend so much time together it feels like you're already roommates you're not going to have the space to feel like this you're not going to be allowed to feel like this anymore. And I think you're entitled to your feelings, but you're not going to feel comfortable in a shared space feeling this. You're just going to try and push it farther and farther and farther back. And then if you have other issues that arise and all these other things like that, like little part of you that you've pushed away is still there. And fighting when you live together, going through relationship difficulties and you live together is really,

really hard. You can't enter in to living together with something that is this unresolved because it's just going to unravel so much and leave you in such an emotionally vulnerable state because something is bound to happen. You're going to fight. You're going to have issues when you live together and you're not going to be able to have space from each other. And I just think you acknowledge

that this is a really emotionally soft spot for you and it's really hard to talk about. And like, I so get that. Like there are a couple of things in my life that I've had almost impossible, impossible to talk about, even in therapy. And I've like worked and gotten a lot better with those things.

And there's some things that I've made like full, totally easy to talk about and throw away conversation with friends in public. Like, and I'm completely fucking fine. But that's because I had to have the space to do that. And you don't have the space to do that when you live with the, if you live with someone and that's,

they're the root of this. You have to break that away and untangle that before you embark on something that's just going to cause more little knots and more tangles that you need to have the bandwidth to work on that. And you won't at this point. But I'm just so sorry. And this is the, I, I'm a big, big believer in inside thoughts. And this is one of those things that like, I hate when this happens to people. And when someone says those things, and you're supposed to forget those things. And like, it's just, it's not fair to you to carry this like emotional burden of somebody else's mistake of sharing something with you that they never should have told you.

you know yep all right uh let's take a break all right now we're back get into the rest hi megan and melissa i am in a bit of a predicament so I am kind of seeing two guys right now and I'm just trying to decide which one is for me so they don't know about it awkward enough random tidbit I was in the hospital and my sister thought I was still dating one of the guys let's call him Timothy but I was actually dating other ones call him Jeffrey and my sister called Timothy to let him know I was in the hospital and my mom called Jeffrey and so they both showed up and didn't know who each other were so everything was super awkward so now they know about each other and I'm just like I was trying to have my

hot girl summer but now i'm kind of got caught up so i just want to know what you guys think i should do do i keep dating both of them do i turn them both down and just start fresh just let me know thanks guys bye i like this hot girl summer i'm here for it what was the second guy was timothy and jeffrey jeffrey very young names this is i know pretty old people named timothy no that's why i'm being sarcastic it's old people names tim and jeff that was a morning show tim and jeff in the morning men in the morning a man morning show what the fuck when was that it was a radio show um that is radio is for men the moving pictures not so much i love this drama this is fantastic i think it's gorgeous i think

it's fun i think it's a sitcom i want to know who would play you if this was i want to know you know what would be actually good we should start asking people if they have extra time to cast the people if you were going to do a movie cast of the people who you're calling about because i'm gonna tell you right now depending on who you cast i'm gonna have thoughts on who we're picking yeah we don't learn any characteristics about these two people like are they good for you are they nice do you like actually like them both equally do you like one a little bit better and if they didn't get in a fight at the hospital then i say continue your hot girl summer i mean summer's upon us it'll be here shortly and if they

you know if neither one of them dumped you then i mean you were in the hospital so that would have been really shitty then oh yeah if we if we've left the hospital and still no one has dumped you and they know that they have the ability to like you're not like if you're not in critical condition right now yeah i heard a dog barking so i would say they're out of the hospital i i that was also my guess um i would also say like who's who do you value and trust more because is your sister like a nosy bitch is that why you like okay this the sister can know about this one and then the mom can know about this one but like why did you pick which one to tell which one to like who let's unpack that like whose opinion do you value like who's who in the

words of love island who's a who's a bit who's a bit of you like who's a bit more a bit more of you so like are you more like your sister and you're like okay well i could be shoot the shit like be honest and like that's what this one and then with the mom is it like oh okay you know this one maybe a little more boring a little more buttoned up a little more like but more parental approved so i think no one's telling you you have to make a choice and i think until someone says you have to make a choice sometimes no choice is the choice right if you you know like come to the decision on your own and it's not working itself out then this is what worked out is that you still have two boys for the summer and if you want to continue to add to the roster

then keep going but if you're content with this then cool they're fine with each other did they both show up at the hospital what what what accoutrements were they bringing what swag did they have if someone showed up empty-handed immediate out unless they're hotter and then pretty privileged they do get some leeway it's i'm sorry it's sad but it's true yeah that's true did the other one show up with like flowers like what what are they bringing to the table but again unless you've been asked to remove a seat from the table why turn away your party guests with their gifts and their like no one's making you make a choice this is the choice right stay with your hot girl summer say out of the hospital if you can but if you need to

go to the hospital go to the hospital yeah and then you might get even more gifts yeah maybe you can have like one of those like romance stories maybe then you get a hot doctor who walks in you go would you like to meet the bench hop on board buddy take a seat you're up to plate all right so we've solved that you're welcome next call next call okay i'm trying to say this as fast as possible because there's a lot of story basically one of my best friends used to sleep with this girl who you know was experimenting sexually like sexuality wise and basically discovered that she was maybe not so completely straight when sleeping with my friend who is also a girl and this is kind of secret i was literally the only person that knew when it

was happening well the funny thing is that when they started hooking up literally only one week prior that girl had broken off her engagement to a man who was also a friend but then he was kind of toxic so we x'd him out but so anyway at this point we've chosen sides and my friend was hooking up with this girl who is now single technically but it's still secret because i guess gay factor and then fast forward to a year mind you when they were hooking up they said this is completely platonic it's just to get the physical urge out there are no heavy feelings involved on either side which i did not believe because during engagement the guy always thought his fiance the girl was like dearly obsessed with my best friend back for it again so my best friend is now in a

committed loving relationship with a girl and this girl happened to be co-workers with the other girl the one with the engagement that was broken up and they were just getting their sexual urges out. I know there's a lot of girls going on here and they are co-workers. And apparently the girl who used to go with my friends was bullying my friend's new girlfriend. And it came to a head and there's a confrontation and a big discussion made. And now, you know, there's a lot of distance between us and this old friend, but my best friend's new girlfriend has now become a really close friend of ours including myself and she still to this day it's been what like two three years now has no idea that they used to hook up her work bully and I don't know if it's worth

saying because it wasn't ever like you know anybody was being cheated on or anything like that but it just is like a really big piece of information and we do very much all believe that this girl who used to be engaged to a man was indeed very much in love with my best friend and took it really really hard when she pursued a romantic relationship with somebody else especially when for a full year she kept saying like oh i don't do it and so they wrote in to finish it because i got cut off um should i tell my best friend's girlfriend that my best friend used to hook up with her work bully to join to be a fly on the wall in this friend group oh my god this is deliciously messy like and i know there are feelings involved and like sadness

i don't want to call it delicious in that way but like we'd all be lying if we weren't saying that this is deliciously messy yes it's so salacious and juicy yummy i can't help but to devour and just just smacking my lips holy fuck the plot twist of the and even just like the way you phrased it of you know she doesn't know that like her longtime girlfriend used to hook up with her workplace bully and i think that they need to know without a doubt like my question is i'm assuming the girlfriend knows that this is their work they have a workplace bully and this is that person my question is is the bullying happening because of their past relationship without a fucking doubt so that's that's a problem that's a really bad problem that means that they're not professional

and i mean obviously because of past things anyway they can't disconnect their feelings from this situation when they lied about having feelings the whole time anyway i i think you should tell i think that this information needs to be out in the open because i think if you keep holding on to it actually i take that back i think you should tell if you think that this is a person that they're gonna be with for a long time like forever even though it has been a while they did say that like they're a part of the friend group now like they're also friends yeah yeah yeah tell them you got you got to tell you got to tell two options in my head option one the more mature kinder option you tell your friend you have 48 hours to tell her

or i will like this is not this has gone on too long this is not fair like i before this was truly just solely your business but at this point like i'm friends with her so i actually i do owe her something and i if you don't tell her i'm going to tell her and then the other option is this one's chaotic the other option is you play dumb and you had no idea that it was a secret because like why would it be a secret because like obviously you guys are in a relationship and like you really care about each other and like it would have been no big deal like or in the sense of like of course they would know because of course your friend would have already told them that like that's the two options you fucking have and i think that like the ultimatum one is the one that is kinder

for both parties i think the chaotic one may not be and this is the reason why like this you shouldn't do this because the caller used the phrase you know like gay stuff like that's why things were kept secret and i don't want it in inadvertently they're not out yeah oh that makes sense you're right you're right you're right i take that back yeah i mean i i think i think you should have a conversation with your friend and with the way you should have a conversation with the people that are aware of everything and say like this isn't cool to keep this away especially when there's bullying involved and the truth should come out and then you know take it from there see what the reaction is and if they're like yeah i know i should tell and then they do

it then cool and then if they don't tell then now it's on your lap yeah i like i if i was the the bull the bully the bull the bull the bullied the bullied if i was the bullied in this circumstance in this situation the thing i would be legitimately most mad about at this point would be like that it wasn't told for me and like I'm now in this work situation where I don't know why I don't know what it is like I don't like looking this is a complex you know the plight of womanhood I don't like looking weak and I don't like looking dumb I don't like looking misinformed like that is like what it's it's and it's a universal thing for women especially in the fucking workforce of being viewed as incompetent or stupid or that's like why there's a lot of times especially male

dominated fields where women are like they're they're fucking going to all of the bro they're going to that shit because it's like no i need to be seen as a peer here i need to be confident here and i need to i need to know what's fucking going on so i can be competent and perform my job well and that pertains to things workplace and office things even if they don't directly pertain to your job like things like this like when you're you're doing someone a disservice and you're giving they're you're putting them at a disadvantage in their workforce to me that is what I would be like upset about and the longer that goes on the more I would be upset about it because how I view my confidence in the workplace and this obviously is different for everybody but like how I'm viewed

and how I carry myself at work and like how I perceive how I'm doing at work and all of those kinds of things will directly affect how I feel in other aspects of my life and how competent and like self-assured i feel in my skills and my decision making and all of that and bullying makes people insecure and i would be fucking furious if my partner knew why because also i can fucking snap back at this point i can be like sorry bitch like didn't now i i've i've got him so sad for you like it's just one of those things that like i would feel so fucking vindicated and validated that this is why i was getting shit and also you goddamn know if they ever hung out in person they met in a group like i've gone to weddings with mox and from we walk in a moment

i can scan the room and i can tell you which girls he hooked up with i can just tell you based on our interactions and then i can do that for the same thing with his friends i was talking with one of his close friends they were not married at the time and her then fiance was talking with those girls and she goes oh my god like i have to tell you something i go oh that they used to hook up in college and she goes did he tell you i go no i can just tell based on her body language to you and your body language to her like and if you were all in a room she would know but now that you're not in a room she doesn't know and like i promise you this is fucking driving her insane yeah yeah i'd be so mad you the information has to come out and it needs if it does not come from

the other person it's gonna come it's gotta come from you it's got to because you have the information and i don't think that makes you a good friend if you don't tell no but i think like at this point you now this is way this has been long enough that i'm sure you view them as maybe even as good of a friend as their peer and i've had that where i've been in like had friendships and they've been in relationships and it reaches a point where i'm like i owe them something now like before I didn't in the way that like you were my friend and like I'm here to support you like now even if you break up with them I still like that's still someone who I care about I would say timing wise to that on uh you text the friend on a Friday five o'clock and you

say you have no I would say you have 24 hours and then if not you're going to tell them you have till saturday at noon and if you don't tell them saturday at noon i'm gonna tell them so like i wouldn't do it on a work day or right when they have to go back to work like a sunday night or even say like maybe if there's a close three-day weekend coming up but like i just think that there needs to be some space so they're not being told from their partner while they're at work or when they have to go to work the next day they're not being told by anyone like without the proper cushion yeah oh my god i would be so please call back in for an update i need to know i need to know to know wow well time for time for a break that is time for a break we'll be back

we're back from our break oh i know i'm so talented and now it's time for don't blame them megan let's don't blame them oh my gosh melissa thank you so much for asking don't blame them is where a listener calls in with their own advice pertaining to a call that we aired on a previous episode so they might have personal experience with it they've gone through something similar. Maybe they have professional experience with it. If it pertained to the original call, they watched a friend go through it, a family member go through it. They have a degree in going through it. Or they just have some wonderful, amazing thoughts. And like us, they believe that they deserve a platform and a microphone.

Hi, Megan and Melissa. I am 23 years old and my pronouns are she, her. I'm calling for a don't blame them about the episode titled, Is It Racist? And this is actually about that call. So I am a woman of color, and I have lived in a predominantly white area for most of my life. I went to a predominantly white high school, and then I also went to a predominantly white college. I wanted to touch on something that the caller said that wasn't explicitly mentioned in Megan and Melissa's advice, which is that the husband's old roommate is constantly calling every Hindi movie that they see the caller watching, Slumdog Millionaire, that is completely unacceptable. And as that is the husband's old roommate, he should be calling that out.

Like the caller mentioned that her and the husband think that that is BS, but she didn't mention anything about the husband calling that out. So from my perspective, and again, I don't know the experience of white individuals. I'm coming from the perspective of being a person of color. it is not your responsibility to do the work of teaching people about racism. It is incredibly draining. Coming from my own experience, it is exhausting given everything that's happened in this country with things like George Floyd and just racism in general and BLM. I have had to cut a lot of people off and I've realized how incredibly draining it has been during that time

because there were a lot of people who were coming to me expecting me to educate them or coming to me for reassurance to basically help them assume that they weren't racist. On the other hand, I had a lot of really incredible people. Honestly, Megan is a great example of somebody who is actively anti-racist. I have other friends in my life who are doing the work, educating other people. And so I do second everything that Megan and Melissa said regarding your husband. I don't know this friend group, if it's consisting of your husband's friends, but since you did specifically call it your husband's old roommate your husband should be shutting that down and educating that person like that should not like it seems like your husband knows that that's an issue but it

should not be happening repeatedly especially without your husband addressing it like that to me is an issue it seems like you guys are in a loving partnership like that's something that I feel like if you feel comfortable communicating to your husband like that is a show that is like in action showing that like he is committed to anti-racism he's done the work he is committed to protecting you and protecting your mental health and so that's just kind of my thing like he should be like megan and melissa said he should be taking the charge on this issue and i love you i'm sorry you're going through this it's awful love you bye cool i mean we did have an update from the caller who said that it was a ex-roommate for a reason

and their husband does call people out but some of the individuals weren't actual friends i know i was wondering if this call the callback was before after the update because i am now wondering if maybe it was after the update and the caller didn't follow up on anything about the slumdog millionaire comment because in the initial call maybe we cut it out but we did i did make a comment on the using of that of like saying it's such a specific that's not like a cultural uh like you know sometimes and we've talked about this on and off the mic like the using the term a homophobic slur was a very popular two versions of one one that is one that is used colloquially as like describing someone as like oh i i'm gay versus one that is not used in media at all

anymore. Both were used very recreationally in media for a long time. So like, there is an instance of like, parroting things that you've heard and saying things like that, where it's like, oh, an obvious, obvious, very clear racial stereotype, racial joke that's been on like the South Park episodes and all of that stuff. And specifically going for something that's some that's not a that's not a racist trope that you're parroting that is something that that hasn't come from the mouth of anybody else that you are just co-signing it that's like coming from your the depths of your soul which i think saying any of it is but like that that one is again ignoring the fact that bollywood exists like it's intentionally it's you want other people to

know specifically that you're being racist like you're not trying to do it slyly you're not sure that's not a microaggression aggression like that's like you want everybody to know that's like you say it and you look around the room looking at all of the reactions like it's so violent in that sense um but that's what i was wondering if maybe this was after that because i don't know if there was a follow-up in the update on that specific comment and maybe that was it was it was okay i my memory is not great but yeah we'll have to we'll have to tell this person that they got to catch up so they can hear the update because I think they'll I felt a lot better after that update yeah thank you for that wonderful insight and personally you know very

happy for that don't blame them caller and their friendships and leaving leaving behind the ones that no longer serve them and they'll listen to this and they'll be like okay i got it bitch okay all right well that's it for the episode what do you think i me or them what do you rate this episode me personally yeah you megan so you know when you do like self-grade assignments and stuff so like so moths was talking about like having to like write his own performance at work and I was like what you give yourself and I think he said like a c or something and I go you can't be humble in these things like don't give anyone any reason like a plus I used to do that like when I would like self-grade my work or like how I would do that I'm like I'm gonna give

myself an a plus because no teacher is going to then look at it and go if you really think you did that like I there can't talk you that much I'm not gonna give them a reason um so I personally i like to say that i aced absolutely everything so i think this episode we did a wonderful job i think we laughed hard i think we had wonderful calls i think we had great don't blame thems i think wonderful discourse um and i i i thought this i thought this was a good one it was good for me did was it good was it good for you it was good for me too and i would love if people would call in and give us some more ratings because we haven't had a rating in a long time on apple oh my gosh everyone please log on to like someone else's account if you listen with

your partner but you're the only one who's left to review do a little swap accounts do a little do-si-do a little switcheroo i would also love to get a review from someone who listens with their partner like on road trips you know yeah i also know i know how many people listen to the show and i know how many people have left reviews and it's just a tiny fraction that is my fault because i have built over the years accidentally an audience full of neurodivergent people there are a lot of bitches with adhd in these in in who are watching me who are following and everybody all my fellow bitches adhd open up that notes app open up that to-do list i know you have and put it on there leave a review i'm looking to see if we have any comments on we do oh yeah that new

thing uh-huh so on there's one on here that's good for uh but am i wrong that i should should have done they say this is from the episode asking boyfriend if he would sleep with my friends someone said love my bitches eminem and then the little gal that's in the red dress dancing and then someone else said excellent as always very in-depth and sensitive advice eminem always reply as if the caller were their friend unless they need to be treated like a villain or the but on my wrong reference so thank you so kind and also when my friends are the villain they get treated like the fucking villain well thank you all we appreciate it so much call in leave voice memos for upcoming episodes we desperately need them like genuinely everyone

if you don't do it we're the show's over the show's fucking over like we don't have right now we like legitimately have we're we're at zero like someone we need at least four people to call and like give really good ones so just know that like we need at least 20 of you to call like voice memos like minimum and then we need more people every week like if not this show becomes what am i wrong yeah this show is what am i wrong is the movie the tv show yes like this podcast is oh like we're gonna have to change everything like we're gonna be like we're gonna have to start interviewing wellness gurus we're gonna start we're gonna get here's a threat here's a fucking threat if y'all bitches don't fucking call into the podcast i will get the

medical medium on here and we will start spewing that goddamn celery juice q anon pipeline bullshit don't make me the start of this villain orchard story maybe we should call uh randy jackson and see if he's still available randy we need to phone around we need your help unless everybody just doesn't have any problems anymore and they're like and then our work here is done we just like and then we you know do some one of our other ideas that we have you know what we're not lacking in them ideas we're ideas women's i'm gonna we're an ideas kind of girls okay um well stay tuned uh for the rest of the week for all of the other episodes in the m&m universe and uh have a good one everybody and don't forget to put those on your to-do list

Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.