Don't Blame Me! - He Dumped Me But Still Wants to Hook Up

Episode Date: June 13, 2022

Update: Breaking while still on a lease Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Boyfriend refuses to move out of the country Needing a terrible job for graduate school Traveling with a boyfriend that doesn't like flying Breaking up after a long distance relationship Don't Blame Them: Wedding tips Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/by.meghan.and.melisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody welcome to don't blame me the greatest podcast with every other podcast we make we're just we're just so good if you didn't know my name is megan i'm joined by my co-host melissa and you might recognize us from billboards across the country of the best people ever very creative but what else are you gonna say i don't know the adderall hasn't kicked in yet um what what are their other accolades i mean if you say best people ever that covers everything really it does it it it truly does gold medal olympians we're both gold i forget i know you know once you win one it's just like whatever like it's like i you i use them as coasters i have so many you know thinking of gold medal olympians uh serena williams recently i don't

know if you follow her on the tiktoks but she went to a skating rink and she was like i haven't skated in 20 years but i'm about to beat everybody when they do you know like the little games that they have skating at skating rinks first of all she almost slipped even starting and she was came in almost dead last and i was just like just think about the people there they may not know because she was wearing a mask unlike most of the people there but they just beat serena williams in a sport you would not if if i were there you wouldn't be able to tell me shit if i could skate i can't skate so i would have been right along with her but like i would have helped her not be dead last i would have been my community service like just think of the stories for the

rest of your life because it's it's at that skating rink that so many people go to in la that's in all the movies the only one we have yeah no but like you can't tell like the straight white boys are gonna be like i i mean she's not that good of an athlete i beat her and they're not going unless like gun to their head they're not gonna clarify it was ice skating they will never it wasn't ice skating it was roller skating oh roller skating they'll never admit that it was roller skating because like they're never going to a admit that they're like fantastic at roller skating and that like they're gonna make no the implication is i beat her at her own game and it's like oh you beat her yeah roller skating like no i would be the same way i would love to

be like i see those tiktoks of like everybody like wearing bell bottoms and like roller skating i'm like look how cute you are except i am traumatized because the first time that i fractured my tailbone was rollerblading and i fell i thought it was from a horse or was that your foot that was too strong no first time with the tailbone was roller skating and i had the cutest outfit too like I looked I was my friend's birthday party like there's a whole picture of us and I'm like I was like serving a vibe I was wearing wide like bell-bottom pants that were like pinstripe and it's like tight little like shiny like turquoise top and I had like my transition lenses and like I was just like looking real cute it was a vibe and I was like drinking like a

Hanson's organic soda and it was a birthday party drink and uh the second time was when we had these fucking death traps on playgrounds which half the time I'm like who the fuck designs these playgrounds a why are there wood chips why am i falling in them and getting splinters like this seems like such a stupid thing like they're like well we don't want it to be sand because animals will pee in it i'm like or i will have 900 splinters like what do you mean that's the alternative i remember when that that switch happened in the playground i was there during the switch of it all awful and i think it happened the switch happened while i was living in texas as well so those chips were getting hot like like they would burn like burn burn yeah it's like

getting impaled with like a hot like whatever but is it soldering knife is that like that it's like literally like you're getting impaled by like something fucking hot so bad and then they had these things it was like these dangerous fucking like playground rides where i'm like who came up with this and it was this thing that kind of looked like an upside down sorry playing piece or maybe a right side up like if a sorry playing piece was stacked on top of each other that is like kind of like a hershey's kiss so it kind of has that like but there's like a little ball on the top and so that's like a diamond kind of shape or whatever but it's like flatter in the middle i'm sorry but diamonds are very unique and distinctive so i need you to be better about

this imagine two of these little things kind of like stacked but it's flatter in the middle and so you sit on it and then people spin it and you just hold on and hope you don't fly the fuck off and like naturally you do fly off and like they're never in the middle they're always like near shits then you fly into like wood chips or you fly onto the asphalt and i flew into the asphalt and then i cracked my tailbone again and that because that was not so long i think it was probably like a year or six months after the first time i did it then a little piece broke off and has been floating in my body ever since i know i had to walk around sixth grade with already transition so here's some of the things i did to myself transition lenses i did to myself because

I desperately wished I could break my arm so I could have a cast I could have braces or I could have glasses but naturally I fucking got glasses which is the only thing that you can't like fix ultimately and I wore tiara every day also my doing rainbow thigh high toe socks with flip flip platform flip flops also my doing my fashion sense my doing what I did not pick was on top of all that I had to walk around in sixth grade with a fucking donut shaped pillow that I had to bring to class to sit on in all of my classes because I couldn't sit on my tailbone for that long so that's why I can't rollerblade or roller skate anymore gotcha but also I don't think it's a good thing for you anyway you probably fall a lot and the bruises I know you should have seen the

bruise when the tailbone went away but I think that's part of why I can't twerk because of your tailbone yes I feel like that would make it better if it was sheer will and determination like I would already be there okay okay i'm not that's why you can't do it okay that's why you can't do it you're right megan if it was something i could control i would do it okay uh so what is the show this is a show where i just talk about my tailbone injuries and wish that i had an ass no this is an advice podcast all right then we're done the end goodbye uh we give wonderful life changing amazing advice and you might be wondering how are these two supermodels nobel peace prize winning authors and doctors and athletes how are they qualified to give advice

and it is because a we are all of the things and also what we lack for in credentials we make up for in opinions opinions opinions unlike assholes i have more than one do you think people have more than one asshole because you can have like two uteruses and like two vaginal canals let me google it yes you can it's an extremely rare disorder it's called even though it's in your butt it's called penile duplication oh no it's two different things you can have two penis holes and you can also have two anal holes where's the other penis hole so do you think that's kind of more well i guess if it's only two then it's not like um it's a malformation like double bladder i'm actually reading a medical paper so it might take me a while to answer your question

but follow up later interesting very very interesting well yeah we're gonna give wonderful amazing advice and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you are 18 or over have your parents permission and you let us know your age when you are giving us the call we also ask that you write it down so you can practice and get everything you want to say out there let us know your age your pronouns if it's about a relationship how long you've been together the ages of other people involved in the story and the more details and the more specific you can be in those relevant details the better advice we can give you but it's

hard to kind of just do that off the top of your head so if you've listened to the show before you'll listen and be like wow those are some really good calls those are the calls that people wrote down what they were going to say practice they edited it figured out what they needed to add what they needed to take away and then just timed it out so they could keep it under three minutes and then just read it on the call it's quite quite easy yeah let us know if you're sensitive we will keep that in mind but ask yourself this question if you did something how sensitive are you if you did something that was bad you know it's not going to get you it's not a get out of jail safe free some people will get out of jail free some people say that even if

it's not something that they didn't yes do but it's still a fell safe well today we have an update the crowd goes wild oh here's one hold on ready Yeah, it goes on for 30 more seconds, so I cut it out. Well, we all know you're actually listening to this in your headphones at work or you are in your car. So the acoustics would probably not be that good. And it's more of the silent celebration. So and just just a little bit, because I just love to know what you are all doing when I just say penis, penis, penis, penis, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

And then you're just like enjoying it. Listen, your headphones smiling, your boss walks by. I apologize to anyone watching that just saw me get this deep chill that snuck up on me. Where can people watch this? They can watch this on Patreon.com. The link to that is in the show notes. So click there and you can watch the show for $1 a month. A dollar.

Or if you want to participate in our live streams, then $5 a month. And that includes watching the show. We do live streams twice a month. This month we're doing three because last month we were both sick and i was gone for half the month but we're back on it we're back we're back on our bullshit it's so much fun we have such a great time like we've literally become friends with everybody in there and like we know every i'll say everything about each other's lives but like it's exciting it's like a very fun community i'm not gonna sell it for like oh you get to hang out with melissa and

i'd be like they're all everyone else like we don't get to hang out with everybody i was gonna say like if we weren't we don't even need to be there because like everybody just gets along and like talks and hangs out with each other which is a fun thing so if you're looking to make some friends and just have some like social interactions it's a great great thing and if you have incredibly deep pockets and you're like you know what i want to see this show succeed i want megan and melissa to be able to pay their bills and i want this show to thrive and again you got deep pockets do you work for netflix first of all send shoot us an email we'd love to pitch some things specifically hulu but netflix will we're not we're not gonna turn it down yeah i mean we're yeah we're not

it's turned down we'd prefer hulu but if you work at netflix um that's okay too like we're cool with that uh but you got deep pockets um you can give us more than five dollars a month netflix pockets as far as like the company as a whole a little shadow a little shallow those pockets have they're big pockets but like there's a hole in those pockets they pay people yeah they pay a lot of people a lot of money and for your six months that you work there yeah okay anyways let's get on into the update. Hello, I am from the episode My Aunt Said I Stole From My Cousin on March 28th. Basically, I just had the problem and idea that I needed to break up with my boyfriend of a year and we also live together so it was quite the experience. We had a lot of differences and I

had just decided that I just wasn't happy anymore. Even though we live together, I didn't feel like lying to him anymore so that's what I did I'm here to give an update because I did indeed break up with him um I did it about like a week or two it wasn't very long after the episode came out because it had been a whole conversation like with my friends and then I told all my friends that I went on the podcast and I yeah I did it about a week or two I think that I was honestly more distraught than he was which was kind of hurtful in a way but I just kind of like had the conversation I was pretty I was pretty honest about things I basically like told him the reason was that I felt like his mother and he did not cry once I was crying the whole time I guess mostly just because

I felt bad I knew it was right like the right thing to do but I don't know and so we just like had like a long conversation and he was pretty open about things and I mean we kind of had to be considering we still live together and he just explained that he thought we should have talked about things before they got to this point and I said I feel like I have and that's why I am at this point so um I disagree but yeah it went okay but like I said I was a little hurt that he didn't seem to like show any emotion but sometimes I just feel like that's how guys are unfortunately so I did that we still live together it's been pretty okay it's definitely a learning curve for sure um I don't have much time left our lease ends at the end of this month so almost there

and yeah it's been pretty okay I feel like I've been super respectful of him and his space I can't say he's been the same considering he's come home with hickeys twice so that's been fun yeah so definitely an interesting experience I don't regret it but I also just wish that we didn't live together in the first place but you know you live and you learn so would you say that like you have had to be like because like this is like a thing that fucking happens is like we date men and then like we become their mothers and like they are like I don't know how to do anything like blah blah and you're like no no you like lived before me like you know how to like do like all that shit so like have you seen that where it's basically kind of like why couldn't

you have like done this shit when we were together like did you do I mean like in that kind of sense like I honestly if anything it's made me like more confident in my decision because I still hear him like literally like going to his mom for things and so like I'm like okay like you literally have nothing nothing went in the brain for sure so yeah if anything it like made me more confident in it because like I just like want to find someone like that doesn't I don't know I just like felt literally like a mother and he still like calls his mom to like help him with like his resume and like when I was asking him about moving I was like oh like what are your plans like where you're going you know because we still have conversation like we sleep in the same bed like

it's really it's you know so like we still like he was we were really close so like it doesn't feel awkward a lot of people ask like oh is it awkward like not really like it's just like you kind of live with it but yeah I still hear him like ask his mom for stuff and I was like oh what's your living plans and he was like oh yeah I found this place blah blah and I was like oh like where'd you find it he was like I don't know my mom my mom found it and I was like it's good can you remind me how old y'all are I'm 20 I turned 21 in two weeks and then he's 21 yeah yeah i mean i if i were you this would also make me much more confident in my decision because like it would be like oh this wasn't a personal choice that you made where like you could you were able

to do all these things for yourself you were self-sufficient and then like yeah as soon as you got with me you were just like oh she'll do everything and then it's like oh so you could do it but you chose not to and then it's like oh you can't do that like you're like you just and also like his mom's just continues by not making him do his own shit she continues to enable him and like i saw this really great tiktok in heterosexual relationships how we talk about what women do for the men is not how we talk about men we're like oh she's so good for him like he's really settled down like he's gotten so mature like he's just like you know he's like ready for this like blah all of this kind of stuff it's like no one says that like oh you know she's really like he's really

good for her like he calms her down like it's just like not what we how we talk about it at all but So she continues to enable him because she's banking on another woman being like, yeah, I will spend all this time to either become the next you as like become his mom or I will break all of that down. And then like that's a that's a burden that no one should have to carry. I think mostly because you said the thing like, oh, is he finally like trying to do things by himself? I just think that I didn't really realize it at the beginning of our relationship because I was like so in love like you know like the first like couple months of relationship you're just like so in love with the person that I didn't really realize how much I was doing or like what exactly I was doing and so I think that like I said I don't really regret

it specifically for the fact that like I think if I didn't live with him that I wouldn't have realized like the amount that I was doing and then we would have gotten to the point where we were farther in the relationship and then moved in together and I would have realized it and then it would have been like a three to five year breakup rather than like a one year breakup which I think would have been harder on everybody so yeah I don't really regret it but yeah he's he's been interesting to like live with and the person like I I'm like 90% sure like I know who it is and it like makes it even worse because it's like a friend I met through him it's like his best friend's sister that lives around us but I would consider me and the sister

friends because we would hang out without him but I met her through him um so after we broke up she kind of just like stopped talking to me but I'm like 90% sure actually like 100% sure that it's her roommate that the hickeys are from so I just like find that so interesting like I'm not even mad at him because I'm like you can do whatever he wants I don't really care but like just the fact that it's her I'm like that was so messed up that was so messed up I mean to be fair I would assume that she probably doesn't like it that much either you know I mean like I think it'd be kind of gross like if it was your sibling like I would hope that you'd be like you why were you hooking up with my roommate yeah but yeah I mean to be fair I also like you're very young and I think

that like there is a learning curve that we all have in like adulthood and I think that like I'm sure people have probably given you the advice before like you need to date someone older you're so mature for your age like you've got this shit together like that's never anything I would ever like recommend like the thing that i say like if you're mature for your age and you're self-sufficient which is something that i was told constantly and was also told to constantly like you just need to date someone older because like guys your age don't know blah blah blah no the thing is is like have your standards which you do and like have like these are my boundaries these are my standards and this is what i expect of like the person that i'm with and not every guy is like

that there's a ton of like moms who enabled their sons but then there's a lot who have like gone very much against that and like those are the people who you should be dating moving forward and like yeah you you you know that now already and i think that's a lesson that i think that i would have loved to learn much like when i like much younger and like i think it's it's it's a very important lesson to to recognize that it's not your job to fix someone or to like make someone live up to your expect like your bare minimum standards and of expectations of being like self-sufficient and not needing to be someone's mom like that's not something you should have to teach someone and i think that like if i was 20 i would have tried to teach someone that and like

i think that like yeah i i'm i'm impressed that like you came to this realization you acted on it like stayed strong in your boundaries and like i think that's an incredibly good sign for like your future relationships you know yeah thank you and also this inspired a lot of people we had a ton of calls after your after this call that were in the same boat as you and so i think that this update will also some people were on the fence or they haven't made the decision yet or they are scared to do it that this is a good update that can inspire other people that's good here yeah people tend to think like my therapist told me once and it was like about me like my own mental health and like struggles that i had where she was like if you could have done it you would

already have done it and that's sometimes in relationships we have a hard time being like well maybe if i phrase it differently he'll change it maybe if i like maybe it's in the way that i'm communicating it and like i think this is a perfect example of like you communicated constantly you tried like intervening in like the changing this like pointing out these issues and commute all of that and a he still thought that that didn't happen when it did but then also like you saw afterwards at the end of the relationship it's like oh no matter what i was going to say there was no way for me to say this that would click or make sense for you because like that's not where you're at in your life emotionally like and maturity wise like you're not there and like

that's not something that i had i could change ever like you know so i think i think that will be really comforting to other people to kind of recognize too that it's it's not on you once you've communicated it like a couple times like the rest like the change that's on if you wanted like if anyone if you wanted to you would have if you were able to you would have yeah that's what I always think too I'm like well because I think the same thing I like definitely shot myself down like throughout it because I was like well I'm not like a perfect girlfriend either but like in my eyes or like when I had like friends telling me they're like what does he like bring to this like what does he bring to the table because like it's just looking like it's not an even process and

even when I said in the breakup I said I feel like I'm giving I feel like relationships are like supposed to be like around 50 50 type of deal and I feel like I was giving like 70 and like you know what I mean like I just felt like it wasn't like an even exchange and yeah you know sometimes I get sad about it but I turn 21 in two weeks I go to Italy in exactly a month so okay i can't wait for you i cannot wait for you to experience italy i'm so excited really experience italy yeah all my friends are like you have to you have to i'm like you know i will you don't have to convince me you have to get on the back of a vespa like you gotta like my first weekend is in venice so oh yeah we're gonna be doing that oh my god so fun excited

i loved italy i went when i graduated from college i was 22 and it was yeah no i was 21 when i went it was in but before i turned 22 and so it was uh life-altering yep have fun that's the goal thank you so much melissa what the fuck would you go to like an orgy or some shit if anyone's watching the video that face of melinda that eye opening okay i said life altering not eye opening but oh oh okay that's there's a lot of eye closing okay for sure someone went to an orgy well be safe thank you you know bring protection um and uh depending yeah covet test and if you are on uh an oral contraceptive birth control um switch the the uh time change pay attention to the time change of when you take

your birth control think about that yeah people don't think about this yeah even when daylight saving times happens like people don't even think about that you should be an hour you don't necessarily have to like but if you were in like the three hour period and then you missed it yeah and missed it by that one hour it could make exactly so but yeah when it comes to time changes i learned that as somebody who if i like am even a day late on taking my period like my body is like you will bleed so like i yes but yeah so change for the for the time um time change and have so much fun and uh we can't wait to if you're in the facebook group we can't wait to like see pictures or hear stories or if not i'm not i do need to yeah i need to didn't aren't you

guys are you guys still like adding people to that or how's that working well um we're not but here's the thing if someone we do an update with like i like i like there is no fair process like if it's someone who like we've done an update with i'm like oh i'll search for it i'm gonna let you in but like other people i'm like oh i'm not gonna read every you know what i mean like yeah yeah yeah okay i'll join it today no yeah please see it it's like a uh exclusive membership so like if you know somebody that can give a reference then it helps exactly and when we're giving this is the reference and i'm like okay you can cut the line sorry life isn't fair oh we'll have so much fun thank you and we're so happy for you thank you

i hope this inspires the people that called about it break up with them cool well thank you so much thank you have a good one and happy early birthday thank you bye i think this is an inspirational and learning moment for everybody and i wish i had that like thought process and maturity at that age like I think it's incredible and like something I've always said when it comes to like relationships that I think when you deal with the bullshit early on or like it feels like a lot of bullshit or like a lot of like shitty toxic relationship like an onset of that I think that you end up with where you who you want to be with or where you want to be quicker because like you sift through that shit quickly and then some people

the opposite end of it is they don't have those relations they have good relationships they have and like those teachable moments it always comes at some point and those happen later that's what I always tell myself that I'm like if I can sift through this bullshit now it's inevitable that we all sift through it at some point and like I just like drew all these cards first and like other people will draw them eventually but like none of us avoid it it just hits us at different points in our life and I think this is a PSA to everybody that you don't need to be your boyfriend's mom your partner's mom at all it's exhausting like i really this guy still has his mom still doing everything for him yeah hopefully he grows out of that at some point hopefully

yeah it's really hard and i always never want to ever want to blame women for doing this but the thing that happens is like it's this vicious cycle where their moms did it for them and it starts from the gender assumed gender roles that are not brought on by women like those are brought on by the patriarchy and like but this is a perfect example of like the patriarchy makes us all suffer like ex-boyfriend he's suffering too like this is something that you all have to unlearn and like this is something that matz had to matz has had to unlearn and like even in the last weekend of doing handy stuff around the house he was like i feel like i'm in my 30s and i don't know how to do this shit like this is and i was like yeah i mean unless someone taught you how to

do this like i my belief system is either things are done for you so you don't learn how to do it things are done for you where you participate and you are taught and you are helped or those things never got done so therefore you didn't learn how to do them so like he's learning about like cleaning and organizing and handy stuff because that stuff was like done for him and they could outsource that to like other people to do stuff and then I was learning like how to clean and organize and do all that stuff because like I didn't grow up in like a clean house like I didn't grow up with people who did those things and so then I also didn't know how and so I think we all fall in some realm of that and it's just about matching with who you want to do that together

with you know yeah yeah somebody that balances you out or you can pay somebody else to do it exactly and mods and i are in the perfect in between of him being like we'll just pay somebody else to do it and then i will hyper fixate it on it for like three days and either be like look we didn't have to pay someone to do it or i will be like you were right i tried to do it i couldn't do it let's pay someone else to do it skills labor for a reason you are the one who always makes me like reminds me that i can do that where you're just like anybody if you need an inspirational melissa moment like it's like i remember it was like planning for the move or whatever and it was right after you had done your move and you were like i'm busy like i have a job

like i'm a professional woman like i'm a boss like i don't have time to do this shit and like there are people who are better i'm better qualified at what i do than what these other people do and if I do their job it's going to take me longer than it would take them to do it and they'll do a better job and I was like oh right you're right and then I also think about like as far as if I do that too and then I'm taking it away from my time that I would be working and so the money I calculate how many much money that I pay them versus how much money I would be losing if I wouldn't be doing it so yep it makes sense yep it does and I usually when I hire like a task rabbit or something I usually hire like a woman or a person of color so I was

like now I'm feeding into you know hiring other people and then they can do the same for things they it's just a cycle and you know what that is that is trickle-down economy it is not what all the fucking joe rogan stans think it is that is real trickle down economy that's yep yep yep uh anyways dump your boyfriend and uh should we get on to the calls we shall hi megan and melissa i'm a 25 year old using she her pronouns and i just started a new job that has literally everything i've ever wanted great pain benefits amazing culture and real opportunity for growth. However, my team is located in Australia while I'm in the state. I'm currently in talks to figure out relocating there, but I don't know how to manage my

current romantic relationship with my 28-year-old boyfriend, he, him pronouns. We've been dating for a year and discussed marriage and kids in our future. And early on in the relationship, I made it clear that I wanted to move one day. Because even though we live in one of the most desirable cities in the US, I was born here and lived here my entire life and feel like my stagnant location is holding me back from being my full self. I also mentioned that I would love to live abroad considering policies in the U.S. When I was offered the job and they asked me to relocate, he avoided talking about it. Ultimately, we aren't engaged, so I would never miss out on a huge opportunity for someone I'm just dating. So I told him I would be moving, and he's been very

negative about the idea. He says he wants to continue progressing our relationship, but thinks it's an unfair ask of him to move to Australia with me, which I could sponsor him for a visa that would allow him to work in Australia as well. My opinion is I make double his salary, and moving will give me even more growth opportunities. And if I was a man in the relationship, the expectation would be that my partner would follow me for my career. Not that that's wrong or right, but in my opinion, my opportunity to grow my career means an opportunity for us to grow our income. It's a good opportunity for us both. He's asked for time and wants to continue our relationship, but this feels like a red flag to me. I'm worried that he's viewing me

as a piece of it into his life puzzle rather than a partner, but don't know how to address that with him or how to move forward in the relationship when I feel like I'm being told to not advance in my career so he isn't inconvenienced. I love him, but I'm genuinely shocked at how little consideration he's given this move and can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or if this is a warning from the relationship. Am I being unreasonable? And how can I address this so we can get out of our current holding pattern of ignoring my upcoming move? Some background, I could stay in the U.S. for my role, but it would be incredibly difficult to manage my daily schedule and would limit my opportunities for growth. He would also be very capable of finding a job there at a higher

salary, even factoring exchange rate. And I definitely don't want to spend my entire life there and settle down. He knows that. He knows I have to be there for four years and I could leave to the U.S. at any time to return to remote work. Anyway, I'd love to hear your opinions and advice. Thank you so much. Also, I'm a Virgo and he's a Gemini. I don't necessarily think that this is a red flag per se, but, you know, when you first start dating someone, you say things like, yeah, I would love to live in a different country. I don't like U.S. policies, blah, blah, blah. And I don't think he took you seriously because it may have seemed like, you know, early relationship talking father father type of things but I do think that if you were being up front and serious

and letting him know that I definitely will be moving out of the country and he didn't listen to it then that's a red flag but like asking someone to move to a different country and upheave their whole life for four years is a real Canadian superstore has everything you need this back to school season save on lunchbox savers like Ziggy's sliced deli meat products for always $3.75 and get Life Brand Pure Vita Shampoo or Conditioner for $8 each at Real Canadian Superstore. When you're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more. It to me, that is a really big ask if that's not something that they want to do or ever saw themselves doing. And when you said that you guys were just dating, that made it seem like the I

know that moving to a new country and asking him to go with you is like a big commitment. And you said that you know if you were engaged you wouldn't even consider it but I just to me this just seems a lot to ask somebody that you've been with for one year and you're not you don't see yourself fully committed to them even though you have talked about big picture things this is a lot for four years yeah um I mean this in the kindest way possible like I think your side of it is like a red flag like to me because like you were saying like if i was a man it would be expected like i would also think that's a red flag like i i don't i mean and you know you're a listener of the podcast so you obviously know that like our belief system on that but like that i wouldn't i wouldn't

not only i wouldn't expect anyone to do that but i also like really wouldn't recommend anyone to do that and i say this from the perspective and point of somebody who is engaged has been with their partner for a very long time and we also talked about marriage and kids before we obviously got engaged and before matz and i got together he had always when we were just friends he'd always talked about like he just like mentioned that he like wanted to like move back to colorado and that was something that before we got together that was something that i asked him i was like you had mentioned a couple times before that like you had like wanted to move back to colorado and he was like oh no that's just kind of like you know wistful dreaming thing like i can't even be like

Like I go for Christmas and like, I can't, if I'm, am I there for more than a week? Like I go like stir crazy. Like I, I love LA. Like I just, you know, that's like kind of like my response to being defeated. And he was like, why? And I was like, well, I just, if we're going to pursue something, like that's not something that like, I'm, I'm from California. Like, I don't know if I'll be, I don't think I'll necessarily be in LA long-term, but like

I gonna live here. Like I'm going to live in California. Like this is where I see the rest of my life. because this is all i've known and where else do you go except downhill i mean how many times have we just like talked about you know just we're gonna we're gonna move to atlanta we're gonna go here and we're gonna just podcast and you know have not even just atlanta we've talked about going to smaller cities where the cost of living isn't as high you know you kind of just say things but i don't know the way they that the caller delivered the information like i want to live

somewhere else if it was like you know kind of in the way that we talk i mean we're on zillow all the time looking at other places but if you were like serious like i'm moving and you told him like this is you know a deal breaker that when i ready to move i'm gonna move and if you don't want to come with me i understand but you know that's the end of the relationship yeah yeah if you didn't present it as like a deal breaker then i don't see how what he's saying is unreasonable No, because like the responsibility is on you for that. And like, that's the reason why I brought it up to Mott's. And he was like, Oh, no, it's because it was like, if that was a thing, I would have said that, like, I would have that it was not a deal breaker. It's not like it's kind of like a fantasy thing I've talked about, like, that's not what I want to do, whatever. But if it was, that would have been his responsibility to communicate that, like with me ahead of time, the same way that I think if you either want to have kids, or you don't want to have kids, like, that is something that you need to communicate with your partner ahead of time before you get to that point where like if these are these deal breaker things like you need to know that first because people aren't making like those they're not making

those decisions but the way that you've talked about this instance is not and again i say this lovingly this isn't how you have these conversations when you are in a long-term relationship that you do see with marriage and kids like you don't tell your partner hey i'm moving like that's a conversation you have as a couple like that is something like if you're planning for your life together like it's we and like marriage sure what having a ring being engaged that can mean something like marriage yes those are documents that are very important but like you don't have to be married or to have a partnership like lots of marriages aren't partnerships and lots of partnerships aren't like marriages but like if that is what you want like that this is not like

I told him that I took a job and I'm moving like that's not how it goes like you have to it has to be a conversation between the two of you because dialogue it's his he has as much agency and choice as you do and like right now you're valuing your financial career and this is something that you want to do but like what if he doesn't want to be far away from like his friends like what if he really likes where like you're valuing like well this like me making more money will be good for us like we can make more money here but like you are staying at your current job and this will be a great place for you to grow but then he has to quit his job find a new job there find a new friend circle there like your team is moving to Australia like you have built-in work friends

there like you are saying that you didn't want you feel like you are just a puzzle piece in his life I feel like he's seemingly like a puzzle piece in your life like you're trying to fit him into this thing that you want to do and I don't think that like I think if you didn't want to have a conversation together and make the choice together to move if your instinct was just like i'm gonna take this this is what i want to do there's nothing wrong with that at all but you're not ready to be in the kind of partnership that you're talking about like that is an independent decision and that's fine like make those independent decisions if like you're so secure in that that it's like a this is what this is what's going to happen this is what i'm going to do

he shouldn't tell you like he i don't think that if he tells you like no don't move that's something that you should listen to if this is what you want to do but you can't make a call for you and then expect it to also be the right call for him because like you're both two independent individuals and if you're not going to make these choices together that you can both agree on you shouldn't be asking him to move with you it should be a we made this choice together and this is like we're gonna move this isn't like a he's tacking on to my plans like it's a this is something that we plan together and like yeah I think this it needed to be like the only time that I would be like you're saying like if you had these conversations and you seriously told him

like my plan I just want to know before we you don't know before we get into this relationship like I plan to move abroad for at least like four to five years and I want to do that in the next year or so like I'm going to be pursuing companies that are going to be expanding over abroad and have those opportunities like unless he was like I'm in I'm all game like I want to do that too like I'd love to do that you talk about that together and then he says no that also I don't think is horrendous it's just kind of like when push comes to shove and you end up in the moment you realize like oh shit I don't actually really want to upheave my whole life onto this brand new journey because it's going to be a whole new experience for him versus you it's just a partial

new experience but it's a whole new life that he has to build but you have to have those conversations ahead of time like Mons and I have had this before where it's like we talk about all the time like okay if i booked a job in this city what would we do here and like what would we do if it's this and he would be like i would move to this like city this city if you worked here i would probably get another job but i would do by coastal like we like talked about it extensively and that's something that like if you don't give him agency in making these decisions that then it's not your it's not our life and it's not our decisions and like our plans it's your plans and that's okay you can have your plans but you your plans start and end with you yep and it feels

like you're like I'm the breadwinner of this relationship so what I say goes yeah it's giving like a toxic man vibe energy and like I also just I think career growth is like really great but money I know this whole money isn't everything is not a true statement because money helps it gives you access to solve almost all of your problems but it doesn't solve all of your problems and it also creates new ones you making more money does that outweigh and outvalue like what if he's so lonely like what if he's miserable like what if he hates it there like have you gone through that process of this or are you just looking at like what are the extreme benefits for both of you career-wise and financially because like your life isn't your career like that like it might be for

you in this moment or it might be like what kind of how your mindset is like Melissa and I are both live to work people don't work to live like we love what we do but at the end of the day like I love my career and I love what I do but it's never going to be prioritized above like people that I love and like my relationships and like my integrity and like my morals with that and like my career is great and fantastic and I again I love what I do but I can always do that that's my control. These are the things that I can always do. But when it comes to like interpersonal relationships, if you don't prioritize that and value those while they're here, you're going to be incredibly successful in your career. But I don't know that you're going to be feel really

fulfilled in your relationship because that doesn't translate like being successful in your career doesn't mean that that carries over to like how your relationship does. Last thing I'll say one year, if you had called in and said, I got this job and like I've been dating this guy for a year. He's great. We've talked about marriage and kids. I don't know what to do. If that was where this call ended, I would be like, you've been together for a year. This is your job. This will advance your career. Like move, like do this, like do your solo thing, move. It's a year. You don't know where you're going to be. You're still kind of in the honeymoon phase of a relationship. Like don't make life altering decisions around a one year long relationship. It feels like a long

time it's truly not that long and that would be my advice like my advice is literally what you're doing just minus the trying to kind of bring him along for the ride and he doesn't want to yeah because four years is a long time it's even if you've only been together for a year it's four times longer than what your relationship is but even if you know you know things that's a lot to do when you're in a relationship and then moving is an adjustment as it is but moving to a completely different country that's a lot to bank on somebody somebody that you've known for one year yeah they you rely on that relationship so heavily and like i moved to someone who we've been together for like almost seven years and like it was a fucking hard like that was really really hard and we moved

within our own city but like when you're relying on the only social aspect is relationship that you've had for a year you're assuming that this is where your relationship is going to be like in four years like you can talk about marriage and kids and like you can want that but I also think that I don't know I personally don't think that every person you meet that you could see yourself getting married to and have kids with I don't think that's like that oh they're the one like I don't at all like I think yeah you've known him for a year and the person you've known for a year is someone that you could see yourself getting married and having kids with but like you don't know him after two years you don't know him after x amount of like all of this kind of

stuff i think it could ruin everything for both of you like it could be like the relationship blows up and therefore you hate australia and like you hate your job and it's miserable like i think you're just thinking this from your perspective and how it's going to be so great for you which then by proxy will be great for him but like what if what's great for him is staying here and then leaving would not be good for him like would you still value that as much as you value this being good for you you know so all right Suburgo can handle it okay hi Megan and Melissa I'm calling because I'm having kind of a career crisis I just graduated from college as a psychology major and I work in the mental health field and have for the past two years

but I'm honestly so fed up with the way my company has been treating me and I don't know what to do So I've worked in the mental health field for two years with this specific company, and recently I found out that they're paying everyone that I have brought on onboarded and trained more than me. I talked to them about that and ended up getting a raise, but they hired more staff and gave them more benefits and paid them more than me again. And I'm just so fed up, especially when I'm working overtime every single week, 10 hours a day. It's ridiculous. Like, I'm tired. The problem I'm having, though, is I can't seem to find any physicians in my field, and I don't know what I should do, if I should leave my field, even though I need preparation for grad school and eventually becoming a counselor, or if I should stick out this job because it gives me direct experience that will help me apply to grad school, which I didn't get into this year because I didn't have enough direct experience. I just don't know what to do because I feel like I'm at a crossroads where if I leave my field I

might not ever be able to return to something I'm so passionate about and I might fall behind and not be able to make enough to move out of my living situation but I also like am so drained at this current position and like I can't do it anymore but I just don't like see a way out so I wondering just sort of what you think i should do if it's worth kind of like toughing through it until i can find something in my field or if i should quit and just take whatever job i can get thank you bye oh the flight of capitalism yeah this is a hard one well i think this is a hard one because i think morally both of us have feelings and then i think but like practically i Like practical advice doesn't align with my moral advice.

And that's like not what we do on this podcast. Like we are both very like moral cause driven, ethically driven people. And like, this is kind of like one of those situations where you're held down and you're put into this box that it's an impossible feat. And it's something that like, there's no really winning in like the game

of like capitalism like i think you're always going to settle and that's something that like i hate but it's just like how do you play a game that's rigged you know i think what i would do is go to the company whoever you're talking to whoever gave you the raise or even maybe the person that's above them i don't know the the structure of the company and say why is it that I've been at this company for X years, you gave me a raise, but there are people that you're hiring that don't have the experience that I have, that I'm training and they have more benefits and a higher pay than I do. Help me understand why this is the case. Yeah. Like, isn't it called like a, like a project review, like a review, some, something like that. Like, yeah, but every

company doesn't necessarily do that, but cause that's usually comes from the boss. If you don't have that like I think it's like the opportunity to be like exactly and like that's checking your feelings at the door which is a hard thing to do but being like tell me what it is that I am lacking in or tell me and and tell me what I am good at tell me what and then tell me how that is being broken up and reflected in my salary and benefits so I would love to know like stacked up against these people like is there something I don't know does this person have more experience than me here Like, what is what is going on? Yeah, I don't think you're doing anything bad, but I wouldn't phrase it in the way that Megan said, because they might take that and then flip it on her and say, well, this is what you're not doing.

This is what you don't have. Yeah, you don't deserve this. So what I would do is I would, you know, have all everything that you do have, have all your qualifications, your experience, how you're training these people. they're using the knowledge that you have yeah to do their job and say since i have all this experience and i'm the one training them and i'm doing x y and z why am i not being compensated for that yeah i think you need to ask them the like explain this to me as opposed to just get not that i'm saying you said give me a raise but like this is a structure that like the same issue has happened it's just now you got paid more but then so did other people and so it's like i need you

like explain this to me and like this is the thing that happens is like people take advantage and this is why like being like pay discrepancy is like so important especially within like workers together like knowing what other people make and like what their benefits are the reason why companies don't want you to know that is because then you will do this you will then use that and this most often happens to like women who are getting paid like significantly less and it's seen as like a compliment when the woman's like oh like she's a real ball buster in the room where it's like no i shouldn't have to knock down your door and yell at you for not paying me as much as like the people who work below me who i've trained in order to get like oh well now she's earned it

like no i already earned it but like sometimes you do have to play the the shitty fucking game of it all but i think it's like asking for an explanation versus a solution because the explanation is then like now that i've had the explanation now what are we going to do about that like what's the solution here i would also talk to your co-workers and the people who like you know what their benefits are and things like that like i think like you're right you shouldn't go into um what i was saying earlier like don't go into it with like comparing yourself to them and like what you lack with them but i think like in order to um arm yourself with like the best case and like be the most familiar for like with what you're fighting for slash against like talk to your co-workers

and find out like okay what was your experience here like what has been like what was your prior your experience to getting this like what knowledge you have like what kind of school did you go to like what kind of honors were you awarded um what internships have you had like all those things that make someone like a well-rounded employee or hire or something factor that in and just so you know like what you're kind of going into about those conversations as opposed to like for working overtime are you getting paid for working overtime because if you're getting paid for working overtime and you're always working overtime, that's a, hey, it's time to renegotiate. My hours have clearly changed for what the new standard and expectation is. So I think we need to have

an assessment to go over what my new compensation, what the new compensation structure is for me for that. But at the same time, I don't know how overtime works in your industry, but a lot of the time what you get paid in overtime is significantly more than the pay bump to cover the extra couple of hours but that is also like if they are expecting you to work overtime constantly like i think it's about outlining your boundaries of being like i can't work overtime every day like i can let's adjust my pay again let's adjust my pay structure for i'm gonna work until this time three days a week and then or four days a week and then every other like weekend like every twice a month you can I can work this time like this late and we can pick what day

that's going to be it'll be Fridays I'll work Mondays I'll work that late like every other Monday I'll we'll do that and that will be reflected in your salary because I think that like even if you are getting paid overtime and like it's a lot more than it normally is the psychological effects of working so many hours over and over and over again that I think if you can take a little bit of a pay cut again if you're getting paid overtime pay so you could have it like set up clear boundaries, that might be better for your mental health. Yeah. And I don't know how, how big your department is or how many people have similar jobs to you. But if everyone's working overtime, then they need to hire, because that means that

is equal to if you're on salary and then everybody's working overtime, what they're doing is taking advantage of you instead of hiring an additional person. And that's just messed up. It's also poor business practice because I'm pretty sure, again, I don't know if it's the same in the industry, but like it costs more to pay people overtime than it would just to hire a new team member. If they're not on salary, if they're getting paid hourly, then yes, that's true. Oh, but if they're not. So if they're on salary, then it doesn't matter.

You're just you work what you work. Yeah, that yeah, that would be wow. You're probably right. It's probably that. oof because you said benefits and most salary you're not gonna have benefits unless you're a salary yeah yeah so this is hard because like you're right in the sense that like you need experience to get into grad school and it seems like no places are hiring and you're right in the sense that if you take a break you do run the risk of like it's why so many people don't take

maternity leave anymore like because like you're better off like some people would love to stay at home with their kids for a couple years but they lose the momentum of their career and they can't get back on track and it's not about how hard you try or how hard you work at it it's like the system is literally built for like if you jump off the train we're leaving you behind and like you wouldn't we're making it so it's not possible for you to ever catch up and like that's the hamster wheel of capitalism and so like it sucks because it does apply to every job even the things that like are the warm and fuzzy like mental health is obviously not a constant warm and fuzzy thing but it's a progressive field in its concept but like it still falls under capitalism

and so that aspect still really fucking sucks but i think that like this job does not seem great like you sound really burnt out and i think that you don't stop looking for a job whether that's like i know it's draining to like log onto your phone every day or go on to things every day but like set up email alerts so you're not having to do so much like active searching like email alerts for the job title in the city that you're in and like get those pinged to your phone if you have uh from undergrad if you have any old contacts like moss gets fucking calls and emails from people who he like hasn't spoken to in years who are like trying to get into entertainment and they'll be like hey can we grab coffee and he's like never like oh this is so

weird he's like oh they probably like want to talk about this and like yeah you need those kinds of connections and so just knowing that like whether it was like a TA or a teacher or a classmate or like anyone everybody has to use resources and references and utilize that like nobody thinks it's weird nobody is above that everybody has to do it and so if you can do that that's also a good kind of like entryway into it I don't know when you would apply to grad school next like I don't know if you need like the rest of this calendar year and then you apply in the fall and then that's like ready for grad school like that would be enough or if you need like an additional like year on top of that but I think if you're feeling this burnt out right now even

if you're able to like make this work for you I don't think that you should have to make this work for you for like two more years like I think like the advice we gave early is like that's what you need to do until you can get another job but I think that the ultimate goal is finding another job and maybe also i don't know what your financial you said like you want to say like say so you can eventually move out but like i don't know if you're paying rent or if you're like living with like family or people i don't know if you could do some like can they do apprenticeship or is that also for credits because i know you can't internships have to be yeah but i wonder i wonder if there's something along the line you could shadow someone you could

shadow them i was gonna say i'm taking this kind of from somebody that's in our facebook group and they share this about them getting into school they contacted the school directly to see what they needed to do not just like the generic thing that they send you know sorry you didn't get in this time because of blah blah contacting the school directly and see because the thing with grad school just like anything it's about it can be about who you know as well and if they know that you're actively trying. I've known people that have gotten into higher ed, maybe a law school, and they didn't specifically have the grades, but they knew someone that worked at the law school. So all they did was contact them and got in. So, and they're actually like very

successful now. Like I said, I don't think grades mean everything, but they're like a really successful lawyer. And so building relationships with the school as well can help with your application so and see like ask them like hey i've been working here for x y and z i went to undergrad i got these grays blah blah and see like just see go to things meet people they have mixers schools have mixers go to those and just work your way in there making connections really is to key to a lot of things in life yeah if right now you're just trying to build money to eventually move out of a situation but if you're in a situation where like you're not having to pay rent i know we're very money driven kind of thing but like getting into school is a dance and

like it is that kind of thing so like sometimes that means like if you can swing it applying to like maybe there's an international program that you can do that sponsors you to go to like a different country and do x y and z training in this that like would still be applicable to the future grad school or maybe there's like a summer course you can take at the school that's like that and then ask the teacher if you can come back in ta and do lots of different things that it's like maybe right now what you have is a lane that would give you that exact experience but maybe what you can do is like break that off into like three different sectors of like i can get this experience in this way and this experience here in this way in this way and combine those hours together that

is a full like a full-time job where you're doing bits and pieces through different organizations or different ways of doing that and it might be kind of more of like a hassle and a headache but it might be the kind of loophole and also better for your mental health than this company yeah it sucks how much we have to work the systems for everything but yeah that's the way it is and if you want to play the game you got to get in the game and you also don't have an option you have to play the game that's like the part that's so hard that like lots of people want to work to live and I'm willing to jump through so many hoops because like I live to work and do all of that stuff but like the fact that people have to jump through hoops and they're like I don't even want

to do this like I just have to like this the end result's not going to be worth the effort that it takes um but you seem really passionate about your career and like I'm very thankful that that's my like how i am because like i don't think that one is better than the other i really respect i fucking respect people with the boundaries who are just like yeah no i like work to live like that's how sydney is and i'm just like you're like the freeingness that nature of it like wow and i know that it's it pays off for me and it's still excruciating and so fucking hard and like when it's not that's not your mindset like that's it's just fucking bullshit so we have a lot of people who work in the psychology field though so if you are a part of the psychology field i'm

pretty sure maybe it's the one that you're referencing but we did have someone in the like the group who did yeah like about like i didn't originally get into grad school and then i got in if you call original caller if you are in the facebook group and you want to make a post i am so sure that that person will reach out to you whether it's a private message or not and i'm sure tons of people would love to um offer any of their insight again we have so many psych majors and people who work in this field so if you would like a uh fast pass to our facebook group just um apply and shoot me and shoot us a dm on the podcast account to let us know you have to pass like the requirements but just like the world as it is this is how you we are capitalist scum

so we are playing the game you have to pass but we want to offer like our own like community for connections as much as possible all right so time for a break okay we'll be back and we're back from our break let's get into the rest of the calls roll the tapes hi megan and melissa i'm a 25 year old female gemini that uses she her pronouns and i do not know what to do but my boyfriend's fear of flying for context he's a 25 year old pisces and we've been together for just over one year but first met when we were 15 i love traveling and since i live in the midwest flying is currently the easiest option since i don't have enough pto for long road trips also i've never left the country but it's a huge dream and goal of mine since my

boyfriend and i have been following each other on social since we were 15 i had seen him go on numerous airline trips with his family over the years so i was really shocked when we started dating and he said flying was a huge fear of his during that conversation he also said his desire to travel was low so i should focus on traveling with my friends instead of him and then if we did travel he'd prefer we did so by car i love going on trips with my girlfriends and going on road trips, but the problem is that I have some out-of-state weddings coming up that he would be my plus one too. They are very far away, so flying is the only transportation option that makes sense. Also, if our relationship works out, it has been a childhood dream of mine to be

proposed to or honeymoon in Hawaii. Not to be high maintenance, but a road trip honeymoon in the United States just sounds like my own worst nightmare. I just don't know how to approach the situation because I don't want to completely disregard his fear towards flying. I'm just conflicted because he has flown numerous times before in his life and won't with me i will also note that this fear might be motion sickness related what i don't know is if he actually feels sick in the plane's movement or because he psychs himself out beforehand due to anxiety i'm just not sure what to do so i'd appreciate any and all help love the podcast and thank you both so much should we get the hawaii psa out of the way first you can do that yeah um uh unless

you are a native hawaiian do not go to hawaii hawaii is illegally occupied i mean much of this country is legally occupied if we want to get into that but if you want to get into like the true technicalities of illegally occupied within the last small time range uh that is hawaii and it is been transformed into a naval base that has that's how we've been able to stay there and also mormon missionaries have just gone to insert themselves and convert people there but hawaii is constantly being depleted of its resources. Locals cannot buy homes. The economy is tanking.

The health infrastructure and system, because it's an island, is suffering. The myth that tourism is what keeps Hawaii alive is completely false. Hawaii was thriving wonderfully, beautifully before it was colonized. And treating colonization as the reason why Hawaii is successful,

as opposed to the reason why Hawaii and local Hawaiians are struggling is just completely idiotic. Like, it's just backwards. And please just listen to Native Hawaiians who will repeatedly, repeatedly tell you to just stop coming. And Hawaii is a beautiful place. I've been to Hawaii as a kid. And this is something that I have learned from research. and also like i think if you haven't heard about this in the last year i would uh really implore you to do some self-inventory about the narratives and voices you hear in your life because this is something that like anytime someone tells me they've never heard about this i'm like

how like it's just like it's just so unless you only talk to other like white people constantly and like you have no other it's like telling me you i don't know that's like telling me you don't know like about the black lives matter movement i'm kind of just like where the fuck have you been like what do you mean and so it's a beautiful place that is not for us and it's not our place and like we can admire the pictures and see how absolutely beautiful it is but do not actively contribute to harming the community who's literally screaming from the fucking rooftops like leave us alone and yeah you can appreciate from afar and i also just want to say don't want to assume that you're white you can't be a they can't be another ethnicity so and a person of color that's not

hawaii and even from not i'm not don't take everything i'm fucking take this with a grain of salt because i'm just a white girl from california but from the natives that i have followed their belief system of people who are native hawaiian if you are visiting if you are a native hawaiian who currently does not live on the on any of the islands and you have family that still lives there then like they're like sure come visit see your family but that's like you stay with your families you don't contribute money to like the hotel chains like all of that sis like that's what that is but there's so many so many creators talking about it and like so much that you can research online it's a beautiful place for native hawaiians and like that's who

it's for and like we can admire from afar so yeah all right so uh i also have a fear of flying um But I know that that's the only way I can see my family without getting in a car, which is also dangerous as a woman traveling by myself. And it's a completely 24 hour trip if I was to do it. I mean, I go visit friends and stuff, but I have some severe anxiety when it comes to flying. I'm sitting there, person that's sitting there like praying the whole time and hyperventilating and everything. But in the way that you said that, you know, taking a road trip is your own worst nightmare, you don't want to do it. That's how he feels about flying. And so he probably went on trips with family because they forced him to go when he was younger.

And so if they're forcing him to go, he doesn't have a say in that. And he was probably very anxious. If it's you said you don't know if it was from anxiety or from motion sickness, ask him. He told you he was upfront about it, was like, if you want to go on trips, I don't want to go on trips where I have to fly. I do that with your friends. He told you that. And now you're crossing the line. He put up his boundaries. You're not taking his boundaries in account because you have this fantasy of traveling with him when he told you that's not what he wants to do. yeah i think you're right like his family other people disrespecting his boundaries is not an invitation for you to disrespect them like with family it can be really hard you can be forced it can be something that you had no choice you had no option to and his family could know that he has a fear and they don't care and i think that like if anything seeing that he has flown before

and then if that if this was like in my relationship and like seeing that he had flown before and then saying that he's like setting those clear boundaries and like letting me know ahead of time it would be like i have seen you fly like what i i would love like tell me about that experience that must have really sucked that you had to go through this kind of stuff and like but the fact that he would still feel open to then tell you this as opposed to like continue to let his boundaries be disrespected by people like i think that shows like that's i think that's incredible like and so i think that like you we have to like listen to people like you don't know more than him he's not trying to like pull a fast one on you and like like most aside like he's been up front

since the beginning and just because like you like get vaccinated and you're caught up on all that stuff doesn't mean that you are don't have anxiety about needles like it's just like that that is something where it's like if there was something that he really really really needed to go to that it was like outweighed what like that fear for him where it was like maybe it's like a a funeral that he can't get to like maybe there is something and that time might not be now it could be 20 years in the future or it could like never happen but there might be a time where he wants to try something that's out of his comfort zone and he gets to like decide his own boundaries but like that's up to him like overcoming a fear and a phobia like it is not done for the

convenience of others or for other people like that's just more anxiety inducing and that's just so much more pressure and a plus one to a wedding like we've said this before on the podcast but like i think we have like you said these like fantasy ideas of what we see these things have but like you need to look at the reality the reality is he's absolutely petrified of flying are you gonna have a good time on a flight with him while he is like just a sheer ball of anxiety are you gonna feel good about taking him on a plane for your a wedding of your friend who he doesn't maybe doesn't even know isn't that close to like the weeks leading up to it the anxiety of him the weeks leading up to it then when he gets there the anxiety that's there like do you think

he's gonna have a good time at the wedding and he's gonna have to turn around and yeah and are you gonna have fun like are you gonna have fun knowing that this person that you really care about is like miserable and that was like what you wanted because i don't think that's what you want like i think like in your head this is something that can be fixed and like well i wanted to be my plus one at a wedding it'll be great it'll be fun but like you can't talk about it in fantasies like the practicality of it is is like sure he could be your plus one at a wedding and you'd have to drag him onto a plane he would be complete anxiety beforehand during and afterwards and it's going to be miserable for both of you is that fun like that's the plus one

you're gonna get you can't mold it to be any different like is that what you want because that's what you have but you that's that's like all there is to it and so like again like i i don't know i phobias are something that i think always should be respected with boundaries and if this is a deal breaker to you that like he can't fly and he can't travel then I think that's something you need to talk with yourself about but also I don't know I respect like anyone's like deal breakers but like I think if that is a deal breaker of yours I would evaluate in the same sense that like flying is really hard for people who are disabled or people who are sick so would that also become a deal breaker for you like do you what i mean like that's just like it's a

slippery slope when it's something like this that is like a phobia needs to be treated like a mental health thing because it is like it truly is because it is would someone who have depression be a deal breaker for you like there's a difference between someone who like is actively choosing to not work on their mental health and is being destructive to you and everybody else around them but like this is a personal phobia that only like that this applies to his life and he's set at these clear boundaries and are there other like is someone who has like OCD a deal breaker to you like these intrusive thoughts that maybe only have like to do with him in his life like it's just a really slippery slope so even if this is a deal breaker for you I would have a conversation with

yourself where psychological deal breakers start and end um when they're not harming anyone you know so whatever weddings you're going to I promise you as someone who's been a platform to a wedding if it's your friend group or you know a ton of people there you will have more fun with just your friends like you don't need to bring a plus one sometimes family weddings like if it's awkward like it's a lot easier to have a plus one there but especially early on in a relationship I promise it's not missing out on that much like you'll have like he said like prioritize the stuff with your friends you'll have more fun right all right next one hi Megan and Melissa I'm going through kind of a tough situation right now. So basically, my boyfriend and I were in a four year long

distance relationship. And granted, like we are kind of young. I'm just out of college. So you know, I'm in my early 20s. But I'm going through a really hard situation because I feel I'm really kind of blindsided. You know, we're still doing long distance. But this summer, we were finally going to be living in the same city. We were literally like, weeks away from being in the same city. Finally, we both got new jobs. I felt like, you know, all of this, All this time that we put into our relationship, this future we were working towards was finally coming to fruition. And then he, out of the blue, told me that he feels like he needs time alone and he feels like he's never going to be ready to be in a long-term relationship that ends in marriage and, like, kids and things like that unless he has some time for himself. And while I totally respect that and I, like, reiterated it to him multiple times, we did obviously, you know, we had multiple conversations about our breakup.

because you know it was a four-year relationship it was you know we were working towards something it wasn't just something oh we're seeing you know we're just seeing where this goes that you know we are putting in effort so that we could ultimately you know be together in the long term so so I was feeling very blindsided and then it was kind of weird because throughout the week that we were talking and having our breakup discussions he was still like kind of okay with the sexual aspects of our relationship and still like asking me for like pictures and like wanting to like sext and things like that and then he told me that he one night when we were talking and stuff he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to break up or he said that he might want to like maybe

try and make things work kind of referring to the sexual part of the relationship but then he like really quickly was just like oh yeah I'm just thinking like I'm just thinking with my dick like you know don't worry about it like never mind I take it back essentially and then the next day we had like our final breakup conversation and he didn't want to meet in person and we just ended up having a 15-minute phone call and of course I was upset and crying and he was like we can talk later if you want but yeah I'm just feeling very blindsided feeling very disrespected so give me an insight in the situation anything to like make me feel better that would be great love you both fuck this guy like i don't think it'll make you feel better right now but like

i'm so fucking glad you like didn't move in with him like i'm so glad that this that like he let himself out of your life at this point and like did not it did not ruin the new city and the new job and all of this stuff like for you like that's the the positive aspect of this that like he's always been a piece of shit and I'm glad that like at least from your mindset right now it sounds like the relationship prior to this was great which is why you were so blindsided I'm gonna let you know that give it a couple months and you'll start to kind of piece together things that like weren't so great in the relationship that you didn't notice um but you're young it's four years that's all of college and it can kind of become the blueprint of relationships for you

and so like I think the more that you date the more you'll see that like wow this really wasn't like everything but i'm i'm glad that it wasn't like four years of like the worst most toxic thing ever that like you have had good memories and i'm glad that the second that he was no longer capable of like having those good memories he saw himself out like i think everything he did from that point forward of being like i don't know that i'm ready like to move forward with blah blah blah is just like absolute garbage and he's a piece of shit what does he mean that he can't be in a committed relationship without having or have kids without having time to himself like does he think that if y'all were in the same city you would just be spending every second together i don't think he

ever wanted to be in a committed relationship with someone in the same place you know it's fine if you're upfront with this, about this, that you are somebody that wants to be in a relationship, but have it, you know, there are people that get married and they live in two different houses. If that's what you're upfront with upfront about in the beginning. And I don't understand this man. I don't understand anything. Maybe, you know, maybe it got close to time when you're going to be in the same place and he got cold feet and didn't understand what the adjustment of being in the same place as somebody would be and now and that freaked him out but then when he takes it to the step of but you know we can still send pictures we can still have sex

as if that's okay that was my exact perspective like i immediately my initial thought was like he probably moved out of his like college town like two weeks before you were a week before you and he saw his friends like getting their apartments and his independence in this agency and he got FOMO and that was what happened but like no like after everything from that point forward I'm like I feel like and please just stop listening at this point if like you are in the romanticizing idea of him and like the uh wanting to like appreciate your relationship and like for like what it was like I'm not kidding like caller stop listening to this podcast I mean not this whole podcast stop listening to this episode and then in six months you can come back and listen

to the rest of this we love you and i'm gonna give you five seconds five four three two one hi caller you're back now and you're angry and we fucking hate him and so now let's talk about how much we fucking hate him you got duped for four years of your relationship and if you were dating in real life if this was not long distance this would not have happened like he specifically orchestrated a relationship that was long distance so he could do this to you he could he could be a fuck boy he could probably sleep around with other people he could have relationships he could do all that shit and then he got to like fucking role play as the good guy and text you and be like the sweet adoring boyfriend and then get that attention and like that's the thing it's like

i don't want you to think that like you should have seen this coming or there were clues that you missed like no no you were purposefully like this relationship was done because it was foolproof on his end like that's what happens like i saw it everyone who's been to college has seen it so many times that that guy who has the long distance girlfriend and you see how he acts like the fucking whole time and then she comes for formal or she comes for something and he's a completely different person and you're like she has no idea and it's nobody's responsibility to like carry that weight and like tell the other person but like it's just something that fucking happens and if you think about this as like the biggest fucking catfish ever it's like he pulled

out of the facetime catfish meet update because you were gonna then realize he could no longer stop lying to you he could no longer play this role of this guy who he clearly is not like at all and he wouldn't be able to keep that ruse up when you are in person and that's why this happened and ended the way it did and this is blindsided because he wanted you to feel blindsided but this is not out of character he like showed you a character but like not his real or true character and like this was the glimpse into that because this is not the actions of somebody who is like feeling wistful seeing their friends be independent or like recognizing that like a very healthy thing is to recognize that like you want to like maybe be independent in a city for a while but if your

reason why you don't want to be with your move in like be together with your girlfriend in a city with the girl you've been dating for four years because that's a lot of commitment. It means you were never committed in the first place. Right. And he doesn't want to give that up. I don't want to say you should feel disrespected, but like I want to validate

that this is like one of the most disrespectful things I've ever heard on this podcast. Like this is like one of the biggest, like this man, are you fucking kidding me, Audacity? Like if I was friends with you in real life, like I would pull up and finish that sentence however you want. But like, this is what?

Allegate, fine. I'm safe, legal loopholes. but like this is like of course you feel disrespected this is so fucking disrespectful and this is absolute bullshit and i am so sorry that he put you through this and i want to reiterate that like no relationship nobody can like steal your time waste your time or anything like that like i hate the whole thing of like everything in life has to be a lesson but like no like these were four years of like bullshit that like you went through with this guy that like is probably was none of it the vast majority of it came from like a really insincere

um disingenuous place but that is like life and like these things happen and what you can do moving forward with this and like knowing how much better than this you deserve and like having like holding the people that you date to a much higher standard and knowing your worth and he is like a complete waste of time and it's inevitable we will all have people who will waste our time but the thing about that is that that ensures that later down the road we're not wasting our time with somebody else like someone's gonna waste our time but that's time that is allotted to be wasted like otherwise we would all like end up with the first person we ever laid it would be fucking jacob renez may we're not going to imprint on everybody we see like it's

just bullshit but like this is not something that anybody should ever have to go through and this is like a really cruel way to kind of um if you want to see this as like the lessons that you learn but i hate that because it's not like you can control anything but like to set the standards of the people you want to date this is a really cruel way for the universe to this is a really cruel way to do that and like i want to make sure you know that that this is like you don't have to take this as like a badge of honor like this fucking sucks this was so cruel unneeded unnecessary and i wish him nothing but hell i wish him the worst the absolute fucking worst oh and i just want to give you like a hug because like imagine like you just fucking broke up and then asking

for nudes and pictures like my mind would be fucking scrambled i would be like like that is such a fucked thing to do wow all right time for don't blame them so don't blame them this is where uh a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call we played on a previous episode maybe they have personal experience uh or if they just have something to say that we might have missed hi megan and melissa i am calling in for don't blame them i guess it's probably for season 9 episode 18 the one with the bride peed on me story but this is also just concerning all wedding-related calls because it seems like you guys have been getting a lot of stories between the two podcasts. So first of all, I got married a couple years ago. I have worked

some weddings. I'm friends with people in the industry. And I just want to say to the brides and grooms planning their wedding, this is one day. It's one day out of all the days you're going to share with your partner. It's an important day. It's a day to celebrate, but unless you're loaded, it's not going to go perfectly. You're not going to get everything you want. That's just reality. So do not use the excuse that you're engaged to treat people like garbage, whether it's your wedding party, your family, venue staff, wedding planner, whatever. Make a list of what you absolutely have to have and just go from there. My husband and I love food, so we spent a lot of money on the food and we didn't really spend a lot on the flowers. We went very simple because

food meant more to us. To this day, people still tell me how amazing the food was and they don't remember what the table looks like. So when I got married, I set a budget for the entire wedding party and I asked them day one, like, what are you willing to pay for? What is your budget? And I picked a dress for my girls that was under a hundred dollars and they were totally fine to pay for it because it's a dress that they're never going to wear again. And to all of the bridal party participants, if a wedding, if being in a wedding party is causing you immense amounts of stress and anxiety and mental distress, get out. It's not worth it. Just get out. No, no family or friend. It's just, it's just not worth it. So I hope this inspired people to drop out of any

toxic situation. I'm running out of time. Okay. Thank you. Bye. You still have 40 seconds. i agree whole whole wholeheartedly yeah yeah this is great advice thank you for your insight and your clarity i think a lot of people i think once megan got engaged and it kind of opened the floodgates of people sitting in wedding things but yeah i like she said it's just one it's one day it's one fucking day and the reason you're there is to get married and the reason why you're attending someone else's wedding is just to bear witness and enjoy the time and if it's not enjoyable why the fuck are you doing it that goes for anything in life unless you know you have to grin and grit your teeth through a job you hate so you can get experience to go to grad school but

yeah yeah nobody cares about your wedding like as much as you do like and to be fair like the only person who maybe also probably cares is maybe a couple family members but like let's be real not even all of them like it is and it's a really odd thing because nobody cares as much about as much about your wedding as you do but your wedding is uh hot take uh your wedding's not about you it's about a wedding is about the guests getting married is about you but a wedding is about the guests and if you're prioritizing your experience as like one person out of like like one 100th of like the whole day that is not fun for absolutely anyone involved like the guest forward weddings are the best ones that I've ever been to and I will contest one thing she said

where it's like unless you have a fuckload of money something is going to go wrong I have been to multi-million dollar weddings and they of the things that went wrong they were by far the like most chaotic ones that went wrong and like the ones that I remember like stuff that went wrong at like other people's weddings like I probably didn't even know about or notice but like the most expensive weddings I've been to like the stuff that went wrong money can solve logistical issues it can't allot for people so that's all I'll say for that one but yeah I keep getting on wedding TikTok and it just like makes me feel like so not to be like I'm not like other girls but it really makes me feel like I'm living on my own planet because I like can't fathom this

but like I also think that I wish everybody could buy a house before they had a wedding because like those are two really huge financial decisions but I think a lot of the reason why people have funneled so much into fucking weddings is because the housing market's impossible to break into so like a wedding is like your house you know what i mean like you can't save for both so you pick the wedding because it's more attainable but the concept of money when it comes to like weddings like it's like monopoly money and it's just like a really really fucked up industry so i mean pay and tip all your wedding vendors like that's not what i'm saying at all it's just that the market value the the what's it called like price gouging like that aspect of it

is anytime you put wedding or marriage in front of anything the the price goes up yeah so that is it for episode we hope you all enjoy um if you did please leave a review on the podcast app we would love to hear if you are a fan of the show and if you've left a review before that's totally fine you can leave another one if you would like to call in for an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com if you have an update send us an email we will schedule to get you on the podcast we can talk about it and if you are still listening head on over to our instagram and comment how about you comment the best career advice that you've ever gotten and

it doesn't have to be like specific to your field it can be totally specific to your field or it could just be like an overarching like concept or something that really like helped you and change like with the way it doesn't necessarily mean success in like the monetary way but like how you your work-life balance relationship like the best advice you ever got relating to like work i think that could be helpful for people that's good i like that all right uh new review ready i'm ready this is from green leo 77 and it says these two get me i love how and I'm sorry, I don't know how to spell your name for sake. Megan, she spelt both of our names wrong.

Megan has an H in her name. I only have one S, okay. Megan riles me up and gets me righteously angry while Melissa keeps me calm throughout. Also, they're never wrong. Thank you. And the more I listen, the more I love what I learn about them.

General Hospital fandom, amazing. Anti-ableism, top shelf. anti-invisible ableism 10 out of 10 i feel like i'm actively in the conversation with them which is all anyone wants out of a podcast oh my god green leo 77 i love you you're right that brought that brought a smile to my face too do you want to see that smile head on over to our patreon oh that makes me so happy so thank you all if you want to leave a review go for it please do it does really like make our day we get excited and we'll send each other like look at the reviews like it's it's exciting if you want to join in the community like i said patreon we have so much fun getting to

like know so many of you and it's really cool to like follow along with your lives like we've seen people like having like relationships getting their doctorates and like we get to like celebrate this kind of stuff with you so if you felt like a parasocial relationship listening to the podcast like that meme where you're like laughing along that dream can become a reality in the patreon so you sound like an mlm yes megan loves melissa you know mlm also means men loving men yes i do okay that's it we will see you all next time goodbye goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production

assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso Thank you.