Don't Blame Me! - How to Date Your Ex

Episode Date: July 11, 2022

After discussing Wikifeet and their net worths, Meghan and Melisa then read a write-in update from the person whose boyfriend's friends wrote a slur on his birthday cake. They give advice on: Being good houseguests Having a new relationship with your ex Setting boundaries Boyfriend not driving you to the airport Don't Blame Them: Independence of moving to a new city without a relationship  Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody welcome to a brand new episode of don't blame me a wonderful fantastic podcast starring supermodels moguls entrepreneurs could you what comes after trillionaire i don't know i feel like it starts with a k it's after trillion is a billionaire a million millions quadrillion there a quadrillion oh i guess it would go with the rest of the numbers that okay mil by trillion trillion quadrillion quadrillion and then there's a quintillionaire i know that because quince great movie disney channel original decom wow wonderful great so now you know how much money we have jk we didn't even know we had to look it up no i had celebrity net worth jk subscribe to our patreon how much when you google

you what does it say oh my god that's a really good five million no that's probably because they're like lies are you implying i don't have five million dollars i don't know what's in your bank account but they're always lies i don't know either megan i have a business manager because i'm not good at this oh my god this is mean first of all the first one says she's a net worth of a hundred thousand dollars no and then the next one says 4.91 million so and then 1.5 million than 1 million i'm gonna get 24 000 okay so i'm letting you know that i definitely am not worth 4.91 million dollars and more worth more than 24 000 and i don't know the rest this one said oh as of i was like this says you're 25 and i said and then it says as of 2018 oh i am

megan rinks has no siblings that's a lie i have a brother i'm so sorry belongs to white caucasian race group oh that's very that's gonna be very she belongs here's the worst part it says that you hold a degree in designing from florida state university fuck uh comes up with this shit what then you have worked as a fashion stylist in florida and miami like miami is in florida wait wait wait wait first of all i not no no offense to anyone who went to like fsu but i definitely did talk mad shit when i found out if you were from florida like you could get in there with like a much better with like a really great like scholarship program like if you had a certain grade point average getting in there and i was like why doesn't california have

that and then i had this vendetta against florida state for a really long time or these university no i think it's what it's saying it says you're five six yeah your shoe size is a size six your eye color is dark brown yes this is all none of it you know i will say though they say i don't have any siblings but then they talk about like i'm residing in florida doing florida stuff my brother lives in florida oh no am i divorced no but your favorite actor celebrity is johnny dip oh my god that's the most offensive one of this entire thing females is megan fox which i love megan fox justice megan fox wow this is slander i'm suing i'm suing this company this website for saying that my favorite actor is johnny depp were you in 12 days of christmas

uh-huh okay now fake fan sorry it's okay i didn't watch it either during her free time she likes to travel to new places no who wrote this like where did they get this information ai wrote this they just like did a google search and then they collected the information and they were like now this is a fact lily sent me one a while ago that was like so weird and she was like what the hell is this oh my gosh well how much and they said my net worth is four million or is that like a hundred thousand that one's at two hundred thousand so what does your net worth mean all your money including your assets how much everything's yeah my house was eleven dollars so perfect but it's like after it's like paid like completely paid for so then the net would

be like how much you owe on it and how much you paid down so subtract that okay that's a lot of math but i get what you're saying yeah yeah hypothetically it's like your debt to income like how much you're actually worth so yeah let's say you bought a car for and it was like a thirty thousand dollar car i did recently learn that my car payments like my lease they're like yeah it's a loan that's like what you i was like this is a loan yeah and mom's like looking at me like i was like crazy my businessman my business managers were like she saves money she's just not good at understanding it and like we do our best but i'm just there like huh yeah i'm so glad you completely pay all of it off it's not yours yeah i hate math yeah well i love it this one says

you're five nine you're more accurate here no i'm five six for five for what is that the eye color right okay maybe their ai is a little bit smarter but this is my net worth is two hundred thousand dollars they've got matzah's name on here and everything full name oh uh it's a little creepy but they say i'm single well it says that your boyfriend husband's name is oh and then it says marital status single but then has him listed as your boyfriend dating and husband wow no daughters or sons though no it's not as far as i know he did graduate from university according to this one which one florida doesn't say just university sick main profession actress this one says you're worth 1 million i'll take it i doubt

i am but i'll i don't i don't know how any of it works well you can leave a comment should i leave a comment no i'm only gonna call the other one johnny depp is not my favorite actor i cannot believe you would say that footnote yes i also did not go to florida state university i do in fact have a brother and x y all these other things are wrong but if you're not going to correct anything correct the money does yep i'll send this in as proof oh my god just a lot like more like this is doing for my brand horrible horrible yeah oh wow so now you know a little bit about us and our net worth do you have yours uh i'm not famous enough to have one of these do you have a wiki feet nope i never have my feet out it'll always be in socks i'm very conscious

of what i put on here dude wiki feet has some feet pictures of me my sock collection oh yeah melissa desperately is wanting a personal bomba sponsorship no wiki feet has pictures of my feet one time someone like she was showing me them and i go what the fuck is that from they found parts Like, when I, like, my feet were out in, like, TV shows and shit. Like, shit that I'd never even seen. They had stills that I've never seen in my life. Makes sense. They also have ones of me that I'm, like, this is really gross.

Like, and they have a lot of views of ones of, like, when I was, like, posting after I went to, like, my first pole dancing class. And I was covered in bruises. And that's one of, like, the most viewed ones. Isn't that gross? That's weird. Yeah. So many pictures of my feet. 86 photos.

Four pictures were removed from the gallery. Maybe they weren't actually yours. Duplicates. I know your feet when I see them. It says I am a seven and a half, which is also correct. Anyways, this is Don't Blame Me, where we give you wonderful, amazing, life-changing advice. And you might be wondering, how are these two broads qualified? Stop asking questions.

And just listen. Just listen. We are qualified because what we lack in credentials, we make up for in opinions. and the big o that's what opinion stands for right hey you have real credentials though you went to college you are yeah so biology and you were in our are you you're an ordained minister yeah i am an ordained minister and the church of life or some life online something i forgot what it is it's not scientology it's not scientology they did try and recruit you they did um what are their credentials that's it i what do i i you

went to the university of florida and studied design i know i thought we're into florida state university oh sorry yeah don't give me no i'm a state school girly don't don't don't push it too far yeah so um we're a call and advice podcast so you call in you leave us a voicemail and then we give you wonderful amazing advice so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com we ask that you well we don't ask we command we demand uh the literal software will only allow you to send three minutes so we ask that to make best use of your time you write down everything you're going to say practice it a couple times time it out like

literally with a timer on your phone have three minutes up make it go when you're done and that's like the best way to make sure you get all the information in so the more information the more relevant information we have the better advice we can give you so i blacked out for about two minutes i could tell i don't know what is going on i do that constantly make sure you include your ages and anyone else who's involved in the story ages if it's about a relationship how long you've been dating everything that could influence and will influence the kind of advice that we give and like the most accurate most helpful if you want to let us know your pronouns please do and it's all anonymous anything else oh you should be 18 over have your parents permission are there

even any 18 year olds who are still i wonder is this crazy though there are definitely some people who are like 18 when the podcast started yeah there's some people that are younger we'll hear that today later when we do our review oh no children children this is not the place but the children love the books it's from elf never seen it you've never seen elf no what's your christmas movie i just told you okay mean girl and the dream girls do you like do you think die hard's a christmas movie are you on matta's team i do but it takes place at christmas time therefore it's a christmas movie in the same way that mean girls is a christmas movie yeah i think if there's a christmas scene if there's snow on the ground if there's any sort of like jingle

jingle i don't even need a santa i don't need any of like the traditional like christmas aspect fuck you didn't hear the pre-win that went off that's why i heard the pre-win but i didn't know the second one it's worth y'all it's fourth of july there will be bangs i don't know why it is i don't want to get hit with the firework and then suddenly i'm bangs there's gonna be a lot of bang bang booms going on is 3 19 in the pm these people cannot even see the fireworks but for some reason it they're going off and for and like a few minutes ago they went off so hard that they made it was making car alarms go off it's horrible we hate fireworks hear melissa's pitch on fuck fireworks on a previous episode of our other podcast but am i wrong so if you see this

jump and you hear a loud bang that's what it is hate it hate it hate it so what's new with you i don't know what's going on my ceiling filling oh yeah tell that deep breath i know so last today is what monday last wednesday i was just chilling in my bed as you usually do i'm doing some work were you naked yes terrifying i was actually talking to my mom on the phone too when this was happening and so then my alarm goes off my smoke detector alarm goes off and i wasn't cooking or anything so there was no no reason for it to be going off so it goes off i get up and i hit the button well i say oh fuck i have to go absolutely terrifying my mom on the phone yeah hang up the phone get up and i press the button in a little hole where

the light is for the smoke detector little juicy juice came out and i was like that's weird but the alarm went off and then i sat back down and i called my mom i'm like i'm fine my smoke detector is going off for some reason then it went off again so i unscrewed it and i was like i know the battery because when the battery went out a few it was like a couple months ago it made the noise and i had to get up well it was making that chirpy noise so i was like i know the battery's not dead because i just changed this battery so i get up take it down and brown water drips all over me naked and i was like no i had put on a shirt by that point i'm so glad me too i'm so glad it was just something weird about climbing up on a step ladder with no clothes on it just

didn't feel right i had to put someone it feels like you have to do a performance you're doing that right so then i i took it down and i was like what the fuck and so then water's coming down and you know that it has the part of the alarm that's attached for i mean the battery is essentially just backup and then attached to the actual electricity and i was like i have to get this out of here because this is electricity and it's wet and the only way you can get it out is if you use like a little screwdriver so i'm standing on a metal step ladder with a metal screwdriver so i'm like okay melissa put on your crocs so then you can have like trying to like stop the conduction yeah and then hold on to the plastic part of the ladder and then make sure you

only touch the plastic part of the screwdriver so biology yes science yeah okay physics ish yeah so i'm jiggling it comes down more water comes out but i'm like okay we're fine i guess there's water trapped in here i don't know where it's coming from then i take the screwdriver and put it back in my case and then when i come back that's that's the part of the story i keep i kept forgetting that's what it is so i put the screwdriver in the case come back and then there's a crack in the ceiling and then dribble dribble dribble then i was like fuck i gotta get out of here take my laptop go in the living room go back by the time i get back there's a huge crack in the ceiling and then a part of it just like comes off and then more came off and more dribbling

it's huge it's huge and then so it apparently came from not apparently it actually came from apparently it actually came from um my air conditioner which was apparently installed incorrectly yeah so it was holding water yeah so i had to i had no air conditioning for one night i sleep naked and i am a very hot like if i don't have my temperature on 62 i wake up in the middle of the night covered in your toasty sleeper yeah so i did i was covered in sweat that first night i've been sleeping on my couch i thought it would make my back hurt but actually my couch is pretty it's pretty wide yeah it's a wide firm couch so it's actually been pretty i think it might actually be better for my back than my bed is damn yeah um so i've been good

thanks for everyone for your concerns messages that were sent most a lot of people were like you need to go to a hotel and i was like no i also work remotely and hotels have the worst internet and i send very large video and audio files daily so there's no way i could go to a hotel and the good thing about it is for i don't know whatever fucking reason it decided to like i don't even know how i would have thought six months later it would have been rotting and molding and then it would have fallen out like the plaster just came off but like the wood is fine everything's fine everything's fine so yeah and i was almost guilt tripped into going to my cousin's wedding that would have been last week and I wouldn't have been home when all that happened

so you know this is a note to everyone when you feel in your gut that you shouldn't go somewhere don't go don't go don't go because all that would have happened and I wouldn't have been here I think about that a lot I don't subscribe to the FOMO the fear of missing out I have regret of going and so that's why I'm like should I go should I not I was like you're never gonna regret going like no i always without a doubt if i don't want to go yeah like my uncles were like we can pay if you can't i was like i can't afford i don't want to yeah i got a massive net worth add it to google yeah i don't wanna yeah the star of my family adriana oh she was tick-tocking from the wedding and she had one that said it's too loud here

i've never related more it was just looking like this and i said yeah yeah that's how mostly functions are that's how everything everything the world is too i think that all the time everything is too loud and too bright everything is loud and bright yeah wow i'm so happy that you're okay so happy that it's like not horrific and you got your eight she got her ac was fixed by the next day at noon i was concerned about you and your night sweats yeah because i did that that one night i did wake up i was wearing a t-shirt which i usually don't wear on top of my sheets that i had on the couch and i woke up just covered in sweat and i was like okay i'm gonna lay back down with this t-shirt on no i had to take it off yeah it was just like gross as someone who

no longer has central ac i do understand uh the waking up covered in sweat and having to disrobe um but i didn't even tell you this found something so exciting at our house the other day some little mouse droppings oh no but the good thing is i only found them in one little section of the like one little spot not in the kitchen not in any area like that and immediately we just figured out we have this vent that like i don't know it's an old house so i'm kind of like what this is like what are events for in general but like what is this event for that like the grates are like this wide especially it just goes to the foundation and i was like of course that's where that's where mickey and the gang are hanging out so we blocked that off and um we're gonna get that

replaced but yeah homes yeah houses i was supposed to be on a yacht yesterday shaking my ass but i couldn't because i got behind on my work who's yacht don't ask those questions okay can i ask them off camera yeah great how big is the yacht would you get carsick on the yacht no i'm sick seasick seasick because they're so big that they don't have as much like i know cruise ships are like that but like how big are yachts it was a big yacht wow wow do i necessarily like boats no but if there's a yacht right y'all are different that's a that's a vibe yeah wow is this like a relationship that you can continue to i feel like we're being so obscure about this that like you know that like one on like those like hollywood blinds or whatever like a yacht

like a yacht or like a yachty like girl or whatever it's like the term for like women in hollywood who are paid ladies of the night ladies of the sea ladies of the boat poseidon's horse that's a lot that's what it says no no it's not me you're a good but i got invited to yacht wake with tinder i didn't go because i was like what the fuck am i gonna do there i was like i don't drink who am i gonna bring and they're like you can come solo and i was like this sounds like the beginning of a really scary movie to be fair they should rebrand like yachting instead of being like an old like i don't know like oil money and like buying like young girls to come on it should just be like we are friends going on a yacht together like we should we make yachting more innocent

did you see the boat movies they have now where you can get a boat and then go watch the movie it's here in la you're like the boat movie and i was like no titanic ship in julia oh you're caribbean i was like that's actually a ship we weren't allowed to call it a boat that was a big thing anyways i guess we should um actually start giving some advice but before we do that we don't have a call in this episode but we did have somebody right in this is an update from season 9 episode 26 good guys coming off wrong hey megan and melissa I wanted to identify myself as the caller from yesterday's episode whose boyfriend's friends made the cake with the slur on it. You guys validated so many of my many thoughts and emotions

that I have pushed aside and also helped me to look at the situation through perspectives I haven't previously considered. I was in tears listening yesterday because it all felt so reassuring but also so scary. My boyfriend's friendship with those guys has been a source of contention in our relationship for a long time however i think i've been in denial about just how shitty his friends are and how much my boyfriend's friendship with them reflects not only on my boyfriend but on myself as well i'm feeling pretty lost and don't know where to go from here but i do know i'll be doing some deep reflection to decide what steps i need to take next your advice was hard to hear but truly appreciate your candor and bluntness

thank you for giving me the tough love i needed wow i'm glad i i know it was definitely hard to hear but to reiterate again you know you're so much better than this relationship i think she knows that too yeah and i think that's probably the hardest part when you like realize that you know anyways okay let's actually give some advice i guess hi megan and melissa first off love the pod. But let's get right into it. I got caught off last time. So I am 21. My pronouns are she, her, and there are a couple different people in this. First off is my boyfriend. We're going to call him Logan. He is 22. Pronouns he, him. The other person is my boyfriend's sister. We're going to call her Rory. She is 31. Pronouns she, her. And the final person is Rory's husband. Let's call

him Jeff and he is 25 pronouns he him other than the fact that their relationship has such a large age gap he is also just for context not from the United States and he does not speak much English they came to visit us we live in a different state from them and they stayed with us in our house for a week it was really nice they've done this before but it was really nice because we were able to communicate with Jess a lot better than last time. So that was really, really nice and genuinely really surprising. He has been learning so much and I pretty much had no issues communicating with him and he had no issues communicating with me. It was great. But other than all of that greatness, he drank all of our tea. He, Jess and Logan both like the same type of tea and we bought

some for Logan so that he could have it. We assumed that Rory would buy Dean his own tea, but they didn't, and they drank all of our tea without asking. It's a little frivolous, but it kind of made us really upset. They just didn't ask, and that was what was really frustrating. And secondly, I was having a really bad day, did not feel well, and they went to go pick up dinner on their way home from visiting a friend's house, and they were two and a half hours later than they were supposed to be they are always late to everything and that's really frustrating but my question for you guys is what do we do when they come visit next time how do we approach that conversation of just general respect and being a house guest they're

with us for a week every time but uh yeah it's a little confusing but thanks for the help guys are these names from your tv show was it lori or rory i don't know no but they're not i don't think so okay oh rory and logan no because that would be weird because then you would make rory and logan sibling so i thought it was lori so we have caller then boyfriend was logan we're gonna say sis was lori even if they said rory because that would be too gross for me and then the sister's husband is jeff maybe you shouldn't have house guests yeah uh when you have house guests you i think it's expected of you to provide things for them like amenities even though it's not a hotel but like if there's tea there then people are going to drink the tea yeah you don't get

like a per diem like you can have one of these and then no more or you need to bring your own which is what you were expecting and then also like if they're there visiting and then they're also visiting other friends I don't think you can put a timeline on them bringing you food yeah because they were having a good time with their other friends too in this case I think you were being a bad host and they weren't specifically being bad gifts yeah no I wholeheartedly agree and like some people just aren't like hosts some people aren't cut out for hosting in the sense that like they just don't enjoy it they don't like it and most of the time like that means like you're kind of more territorial about your space like you're really particular about how

you're you like your space to be how like you like your bathroom to be cleaned like all of these different things and that's very very very okay but then you just can't host people because like it makes other people uncomfortable yeah i don't like people in my house yeah like i think that's like i yeah i the anticipating like oh this isn't exactly how we thought it was kind of going to go it's never gonna go how you think it's gonna go because like you have to remember like they're on vacation time they're on a vacation and you are hosting and those are two like really different experiences and so i agree with you when you're like okay well if you're gonna count on someone to like bring you home food you're the host and they are on vacation time and like you can't

really assume that that's going to like work out how you want it to that might just mean that like when they come visit they need to like stay with someone else and like schedule to like have dinner with you guys and not stay there with you or like you schedule outings to do with each other but in general I just don't think that you and your boyfriend like hosting in a way that I think you like the idea of hosting if you can do it exactly how you feel could kind of it should go and like comfortable with it but I do agree I think in this case I don't think they were being bad house guests because I also like what do you mean like how do you ask if I can have another I don't know like I think the best kind of hosts in that stuff is like when you show people around

and you're going to be staying here like make yourself at home like grab whatever you want like this is this in here and sometimes like sure if there is like something that I've like made like leftovers I've made that like I'm going to take this to work tomorrow or something I would be like oh heads up this I'm taking to work tomorrow but make it again this week so you can tried this grape like these are the things that like I I drink this almond milk I bought an extra almond I bought this kind of milk because I think that you drink it but if you want almond milk let me know and I'll grab an extra one like I think there's a way to like still I'm very adamant in my routine and I think there's a way to be able to do that while still being like a gracious and

giving kind of host but I just don't think that they were disrespectful no I don't either and if you are the kind of person that just wants things for yourself then hide it yeah put it up so other people can't touch it or let them know like this is for me yeah this might just not be your calling yeah that's not mine i know that that's fair i like to host it's just you know i'm i i feel like i'm a pretty realistic host like when like my friend kyle will come and visit and day if he's then visiting other friends or whatever like during the day i'm not gonna be like okay i'm let me text me if you want to have dinner by text me by seven and i'll include you in our plans for dinner and if i don't hear from you by seven like you'll come back and crash at

our place whenever you get home but we're not gonna eat together and it's you know whatever you want i recently had a breakup with my boyfriend of three and a half years um we had been living together throughout that entire time um and it's been about three weeks since we broke up what seems like him potentially being open to basically redating again um seems like something he wants to do uh keep in mind he was the one who uh initiated the breakup and um I obviously didn't ask for the breakup um but I've done a lot of you know really reassessing re-evaluating and really coming to terms with the breakup in the last three weeks and um because of all this it seems like he essentially you know believes that this could be a really

a good new relationship so he's told me that he's open to taking it slow essentially which means like you know dates every week or every two weeks um and essentially just that um no moving back in together um no staying the night until you know that's a thing maybe we're interested in doing um and of course some physical boundaries in that sense um i guess i was just curious as to what you guys maybe think um i'm definitely hopeful that during this maybe he'll rediscover um the relationship and also this new relationship essentially and kind of give me a chance to really uh show him how well of a relationship this really could be between us um but I guess I'm also just having some anxiety over whether I'm putting myself a little too much out on the line

for potentially being rejected again or maybe I should just stay present day by day in this taking it slow kind of process why did you break up yeah I don't think we have enough information here yeah it sounds like he gave you like a a trial period to like improve to then now it's like hmm maybe i do want to date you again and like you're winning him back and like earning him back but like did you do something right and y'all live together and he moved out within three weeks were you on a lease how did that work yeah questions i have questions i have questions i i mean i can give advice on this yeah i mean we will give advice on this but i need to call us back what did you do what did he do why did you break up because right now i don't like him i don't

have feelings that's the correct way to do it or for her but i'm yeah i just yeah and you said that he was the one that broke up with you so like what happened so based on the information that we have i don't you can't there's no new relationship like you're you already have um since you live together i'm guessing you're in love with each other you already have been in love with each other i'm sure these feelings haven't gone away for you at least so i can i can understand people like needing time apart and then maybe coming back together but like what happened to make this And why are things different now in three weeks? Yeah. And also, how does he know things are different in three weeks? Have you been in contact? Like still? Like, how does he know if

you're not living together? Still? He's like, Oh, this could be a whole new relationship. How? Like, how does he even know that they're still talking? And are you trying to like the way you're saying this? Like, I think I could show him how good like, it feels like everything's resting on you. And you're like, Well, I don't want to be rejected again. And like, who knows? Call? I mean, I just want you to call us back. And like, maybe you did something horrible and like he's having second thoughts and then in which case i would probably tell him if he was calling in like no like there hasn't been enough time for you to actually see an improvement right now what you're seeing is like you're missing you're longing yeah exactly like it's

that it's that longing and you're and you're mourning the relationship that you thought you had or what you had for a time period but like not what it was actually and there's a reason why you broke up but if you didn't do any of that then like i would kind of feel like for him if this is just something that you were kind of like blindsided with it just feels like so abrupt like living to get living with a partner three and a half years together like that's a long time living with a partner is like a very big thing and like we even we've had people who live together and like they weren't not lit they didn't after they broke up they still were together like in the house after three weeks like it's a really like quick and swift like exit and then just to

kind of come back in to me if it was like you were blindsided and there wasn't anything really that you did in the relationship that you recognized was like oh this was a problem that led to the demise of the relationship and I saw it coming and I knew that because I like consequences of my actions this feels kind of like a cat and mouse like power kind of like puppeteering game where it's like do you know like want to see how high you can jump for this and like earn me back and do all of this kind of stuff but like even the boundaries of like we're gonna set all these physical boundaries and then we're only gonna have like a date one to two times a week like I agree with what you said like I think taking time apart especially when you're young

in a relationship to then come back together totally makes sense but this is just trying to take steps backwards and it's not like you're new people and you don't know each other and it's like okay well we broke up we haven't seen each other in like two years and we're gonna start taking it slow again it's like oh last month we were sleeping in the same bed every night we lived together we shared our utility bill and now we're going out every other week and that to me like is just going to breed like an immense amount of like paranoia and jealousy because is then he's also casually dating other people and then when do you move back in like it's right this just seems like really chaotic like really chaotic and even though i love chaos like i don't like this i think y'all

need more time apart to figure out who you are outside of this relationship and then after that if you want to start dating again okay but like it seems like trust needs to be rebuilt and i don't think there's been enough time in between that but please call back and let us know what happened yeah because you said like should i put myself like i feel like i'm out on the line and i'm just gonna get rejected like there's a fear of that or taking it slow and just be present i think there's a very high likelihood that you are like i think you are really putting yourself out there on the line and there's a very high likelihood you will be rejected you know it's hard to know though without the rest of the details so give us a call back all right time for a break

hi wow how was your break honestly i kept thinking about you having that pin in between the cushions and it was making me very uncomfortable it was this way that's exactly so when i was sitting your butt i told you this story when i sat on did i not tell you this story no there was a pencil that was like mechanical pencil that was up on a couch like that and i didn't know it was there and i had on shorts i was in like third grade i had on shorts and then it poked me in the butt anus or ass cheek ass cheek okay and it was called lead butt for by my sisters because of this but maybe that's why you got it but it was very it was very triggering for me oh i apologize all right next call yes i see her and my boyfriend he him have

been together around three years. We both just recently turned 21. Around the time we started dating, I had actually signed up for a trip to travel around South America with a tour company. It just kept getting pushed back because of COVID. And now that we're finally able to travel, I actually wasn't able to cancel or get a full refund. So I'm going on this trip. Flight leaves next week. My boyfriend was supposed to drop me off at the airport. When I asked him if he could a couple weeks ago, I mentioned if he couldn't, I would ask someone else. Since he has to work early in the morning, there was a little bit of a miscommunication and he thought I meant I would use him as a backup plan, but he just took the morning off just in case. Since I hadn't mentioned it until right now, he actually scheduled a haircut appointment and that's what I found out this morning.

I did just didn't want him to cancel his haircut or his appointment, so I just got somebody else to give me the ride. It really wasn't that big a deal. I guess my real problem here is that we have had some trouble communicating almost. My love language is definitely acts of service and quality time, while his words of affirmation or, like, touch, I know he doesn't mean anything bad by not offering to take me anyways after he found out or, like, canceling his appointment. And I don't know how to express to him, not necessarily in this situation, but just in general, that something like this, a situation like this where I need him to drop me off, it's more than just a ride. It's, you know, knowing that he wants to drop me off, that whole thing of, like, if he wanted to, he would almost. I just, this isn't that big a problem. I just don't want it to become one, you know, because obviously we express love and receive love in different ways.

And I just want to continue a healthy relationship. So I just don't know how to do that with different love languages. And I'd love some advice. I love your podcast. Thank you to both of you. And since I have a little bit extra time, I'm an Aries and my boyfriend's a Pisces. I'm not sensitive at all. Give it to me if you have to.

I never want to take anyone's ear for. i just want to contest the if he wanted to he would i personally oh never never want to take anyone to the airport i thought you just met oh no no no no like no matter how much i love someone like i will totally drive mods to the airport but if mods is like oh i can just like take an uber i'm not gonna insist like no i will totally take you but i would prefer if he picked you up from the airport but i'm not gonna say oh i'll just take an uber you know what i mean like depends on what airport to be fair to right but also like you're going on like an international trip that your boyfriend doesn't want to like oh yeah say bye to you like you're gonna be gone for a few

weeks i don't i feel like that that is a problem yeah the haircut thing is weird like even if you were the backup i mean if he was the backup then why did he schedule the appointment or like not be like hey heads up i was thinking of booking it like am i gonna drive here no because like i was thinking i already took the morning off so i might get a haircut if i'm not yeah i don't like this at all like i really don't like this and i don't like you saying like it's not a big it's not that big of a deal if it wasn't that big of a deal then you wouldn't be calling don't downplay how you're actually feeling about the situation i think you need to have like an upfront conversation about what you maybe you didn't communicate your thoughts and feelings on this maybe i mean and

then he made the wrong assumptions about what was going on so y'all have to like talk things out and make appointments and say that like and making an appointment sounds weird like in a relationship but like if this is something that you wanted to do if you wanted him to be there to say goodbye to you to take you to the airport then maybe you didn't communicate it clear enough that that's what he needed to do but again even if he thought he was going to be the backup why did he schedule the haircut yeah i also just think that's like so weird to like it feels kind of like performative and like that oh i'm taking the morning off and then it's like oh i scheduled a haircut it's like oh so the implication that when you took the morning off was that you were going to be taking

me because you're taking the morning off and then what and i hate to be this person i just got this who's getting a haircut at 8 a.m no but i just got a really like toxic thought in my head like who are you getting this haircut for i'm going out of town this is what it was for for your dick pics like your selfies your nudes you include your head like but you're going out of town these were the last few moments that you're going to be spending together even if he needed a haircut the time that y'all would have been spending on dates when you were in town he could go get a haircut thing yeah this just it's weird it does not sit well with my spirit no i agree i also like I want to know how it was like a miscommunication because like for me I'm like how does that was it

actually miscommunication and you did like you mixed up your words of being like because if you literally said to him uh so I'm leaving my flights booked at this time if you could take me that would be great if you can't I'm sure I could probably find someone else and then he was like yeah i'll take the i'll take work off um the morning and then we move on from that that is implied that he's taking you and so like i don't know if you actually communicated poorly or if like he was in like oh i didn't understand you didn't express this because why did he take the morning off why yeah it doesn't make sense it doesn't that's exactly it like it doesn't that being his response doesn't make sense if you miscommunicated it i think the only way you

really could have miscommunicated this is like if you really really backtracked and like you really beat around the bush like so my flight's leaving here i already talked to so and so they said they could take me but like you know they can't like maybe someone else could take me and like this person could take me and if they can't like just like you know maybe if you're around like as a and he'd be yeah no if like everybody else in the world can't take you like maybe i can because that's like kind of the only way that i see this being like a miscommunication on your part but I again like then that wouldn't warrant him taking the morning off of work and that wouldn't warrant him scheduling the haircut then exactly so I don't think that you miscommunicated

it I think like I understand the phrase if he wanted to he would I also think it's important to like make sure we state in relationships what we want because like like you said you have very different love languages and I don't always want to do something because it's not like the thing that's like right off the top of my head, but it's not like a hassle or something I hate doing. And then knowing that, like how my partner views that or like what that like makes them so happy. I'm like, Oh my God, now I want to do that because I don't necessarily get gratification from it, but like you do. And that makes me feel great. So I think that like, yeah, we should tell people what we want, but I just don't know how this conversation could have gone where you

miscommunicated this. Like, to me, this just sounds like he he's making an excuse. Yeah. like he didn't want to hear it yeah he was never going to take you to the airport he had already taken that day off to get a haircut that's what i think that would actually make sense yeah but like three years you're right i didn't even think about that like being far away for like you're going for like a long period of time yeah but even saying if you can't i'll ask someone else like if you can't that means you have to tell me that you can't but he could yeah i don't know i mean i think you're saying that you've had communication issues which then gives me an indicator that this has continued and happened and you more likely than not were pretty clear

and he's continued to not misunderstand you but choose that you said something else that fits what he wanted to do and like fits his life and then made you feel like you were doing a poor job communicating this just seems like you're communicating and he's just not listening yep hope you have a great trip until you're already there oh yeah that's right i bet you talked shit about your boyfriend the whole car ride there as you should agree don't text him later there do you want them to break up for good no i just want to see if he texts her first and like he starts pursuing all i thought you meant just text oh no don't like ghost don't be the one oh no no no that'd be like pretty bad no i i mean in like the sense of like you know don't do

it first no and like don't don't extend that olive branch and like have have him put that effort in at this point because he hasn't i'm megan and marissa i am a 21 year old black woman and i'm made of some advice on how to not second-guess myself when I'm setting a boundary. I've been in therapy since freshman year of high school, but I just started doing the heavy work in summer of 2020. Recently, I've been finally starting to see my growth and improvement in terms of relationships and having more respect for myself. About a couple months ago, I decided to put myself out there and started talking to a guy who's also Black and in his 20s. There were multiple red flags and signs for me to cut him off but I seemed to justify it by just looking at his potential rather than who

he is. I didn't want to accept the fact because I was really attracted to him and we really hit it off during our first two dates. However I felt this cycle repeating itself and I knew it was something I had to break so I told myself I wouldn't let this go on any longer. Well the next day he posted something that was making fun of Jaden Pickett Smith at the Oscars and I knew I couldn't let it slide. I decided to tell him I didn't want to talk to him anymore because black women have been the butt of a joke for too long and it's not okay his response was i don't think black women have ever been the butt of a joke and at least it's coming from a black man instead of a white person well i know i'm not justice well i know i am justified in my decision to cut him off

i know his actions and responses were ignorant i can't help but second guess myself and feel like i'm in the wrong my therapist has brought it to my attention that childhood trauma often leaves people feeling unable to trust ourselves and feeling guilty when we finally stop people pleasing and stand up for what we believe I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty and just feel proud of myself for cutting off a guy much sooner than my past self would have my question is if you've ever felt guilty for setting a boundary or cutting someone off like this how did you work through it and reassure yourself that you weren't wrong for doing so thanks and I love the podcast I hate I yeah I hate him too I have felt guilty for setting boundaries sometimes because

you think that you're missing out on something like you're well if if they would just do this then everything would be fine or if i just did this then you know i can look past that but that's when you're looking like directly at the situation and not looking at it big picture because when you keep making allowance there's a difference from allowances and compromises and when you keep making allowances for people and excusing their bad behavior and thinking that like if I just do this one thing and I can teach them then they'll be okay but all it is is that you're doing work for free that you're getting zero return on because you told him how you felt about the situation. You told him how it made you feel. And then he said that not only was it

that black women are not the butt of the jokes, which you and I know is not the truth. He also said, at least it wasn't a white man. It shows that he doesn't stand up or defend black women. he has no respect for you and he's going to continue to have no respect for you until he grows up if he grows up and so you did the right thing you know you did the right thing and as your therapist says sometimes trauma makes you think that you know you're not doing the right thing but we can tell you like you did what was best not just for you but for women black women as a whole so good for you yeah I think something like exactly like you're saying with boundaries where it can feel like well if I could just do this or like this could be this this could change

like I think that their boundaries are all about us like when we set boundaries it's like my own personal boundaries other people can't cross my boundaries because my boundaries are this is what or I'm out and like it's not an ultimatum it's just like that's what that is at the same time I think if you're not like ready to date yet the innate selfishness of boundaries where they are truly like all about you they're not about anybody else can yeah make you feel like well why am I setting this back like if I just if I just did this or if I didn't do this like I could do this and it becomes like you start seeing your boundaries as opposed to like brick walls it's like multiple things and then feeling guilty about your own boundaries I think personally like

in practice setting boundaries I think the first couple times or even other instances you might like feel guilty but I think if you are continuing to kind of feel that way for like weeks and weeks on end I think it's maybe like I'm not picking the people like who I'm talking to and who I'm starting to date I'm not picking people who are even set up at all to respect my boundaries so I'm like I am going to get disappointed I'm going to get get hurt and I'm going to be faced with a lot of like pushback to my boundaries and that's not a way to feel good about boundaries like it is a hard thing to set boundaries and I think in practice it should be the first boundaries you set are with things that I think like you can feel like better about and like you can feel like kind

of good about I don't think like when it comes to like toxic family members aren't usually the first boundaries that you set maybe it's a new person that you date that you've been on one date with who seems kind of cool to kind of like test that out but it's a very normal feeling to feel kind of guilty and that doesn't say anything about your boundaries it says everything about like the person and him on the other side of it and you saw red before he even made that post you saw saw red flags before that so that was there were things that you saw before that led you so it wasn't just one thing this was the last thing but you saw things before that let you to get there you ignored them that's kind of like in your mind kind of the compromise

and then you saw you said that you saw potential there but i i think we have to stop seeing potential in people i i honestly think because who doesn't have potential everyone has potential but like potential is what you want it to be and not what that person wants and so if you're seeing something that the other person doesn't see then that means that like you're trying to make them into becoming who you want them to be and not who they want to be yeah I also think with boundaries something that was really helpful for me to kind of reframe and understand like how it made me feel better about setting boundaries is that your boundaries are pretty much kind of everyone's boundaries, like we all have boundaries and they're not like really drastically that different.

It's just a matter of who you're having those talks with and conversations with and who you have to explicitly set those boundaries with. Cause I felt like very guilty of being like, oh, this is something that I have to do because like, you know, childhood trauma, like this is, I'm damaged or this is something that like not everyone else has to do that. And then I realized my relationships, like I wasn't setting boundaries in every single relationship. And it wasn't that those relationships were incredibly like different, or I was asking for other things of those relationships, I was like, oh, that respect is inherently there. And I think in general, boundaries are most used in relationships that are not usually innately the healthiest for

you. And like, so that's like you set boundaries with like toxic family members, you can't learn like co workers, things that you look like those long term boundaries that will forever exist within a relationship because that's the only way to kind of maintain that relationship because that relationship isn't healthy. So you have to create these parameters to make it healthy. And then I think there's individual boundaries when it comes to like, oh, I'm processing and dealing with some personal trauma. So in my other relationships, I want to set a boundary that this is not something I want to talk about for a time being or whatever it is. And you can like set those things. But I think when you're dating, if you find that you are having to like set these

very clear boundaries with someone and it feels like you said like you're compromising on the what was the word you used i don't know but i really liked what me too exactly what you were saying with that there's like i think early on in relationships i think setting boundaries is really good if it comes to like i mean i think we should all be setting boundaries and it comes like personal autonomy and all of those things but if you find yourself so early on dating someone and you're constantly having to set new boundaries, I think that's a time of being like, am I personally in a place where I feel comfortable

and ready to date in these situations? And or would I be doing this with every person that I date? Is this something that is exclusive to this person? Does that maybe mean that I'm having to like do a lot of like mental health and therapy practice and work in dating this person that like we're not in a long-term relationship? Like maybe I take a step back from that.

Because again, boundaries are super, super, super personal. And you get to decide who you set your boundaries with. And like, I don't know, I think setting a boundary with someone like when it's a positive, healthy thing, and not like, oh, this is a toxic relationship that I need to like set these parameters and people who you feel comfortable and trustworthy to set those boundaries with. That is like a one strike you're out kind of thing. like if you cross my boundaries one time after i felt then like how after i put them up and then we're done like that it is not like you don't get another shot at that and i think that if your therapist hasn't talked to you about that that was really helpful for me with my therapist where she was like boundaries are not like multiple things that people keep crossing that is something that you set and then when someone crosses said boundary or does not adhere to said boundary that person doesn't respect you because you already clearly communicated it and that is when you're done because otherwise then you're crossing your own boundary you know by like not

upholding it because you're the only one who can uphold it but yeah i will also say i don't know if this is any different for you did you feel i think i probably asked you this but did you feel more confident in your decision making after you turned 25 or do you feel like it was more just accumulation i don't even say 30 yeah it's like the older i get the more confident i get the more I trust myself. That's like the biggest thing, like specifically that I felt like every year I've gotten older, specifically every year after 25, where people are like, oh, what happens when you change? Like truly point blank, I am more confident in my decisions. I'm more confident in my decisions every year. Like every day I get older, I'm more confident in those. And I was not

confident in my decisions at 21 years old. Like you are far more self-aware than I was. And I don't know. I think that like, you know, you can maybe look at your peers and feel like everybody's really confident in the choices that they're making we all fake it a lot and there's no shame or harm in being like you know what i'm not enjoying constantly feeling like i have to like put up these boundaries with these people that i'm dating like maybe i just take a break for a bit and you know because doing that like hard work that hard therapy work that's it's a lot it's draining i really hate him yeah but i'm glad you have the foresight to end it yeah it's really and it's a very common thing to not feel like you can trust yourself like you're you started again

earlier than me i'm still unlearning that shit like it's a very very very hard one and early stages of relationships shouldn't be hard dating supposed to be like flirty fun like sex in the city like oh my gosh like ah it shouldn't that everyone should be on their best behavior in that very beginning and then just think about how much worse he would yeah gross i hated every man who posted any of that shit all right now it's time for don't blame them you always do that so this is where a listener calls in with their own advice pertaining to a call we had on a previous episode so maybe they have personal experience um or they have professional insight or they just have their own shit they want to say yeah yeah here we go great hi i'm calling for the caller

on season nine, episode 23, whose girlfriend broke up with her before they were about to go long distance. So my perspective is from my boyfriend's experience. He's now 28, but he was in a relationship from the time he was 19 to the time he was 24. And during that time, he was dating his girlfriend in college, and then they transitioned to long distance when he entered his six-year grad program. And they broke up about a year into being long distance. The relationship was really strained and they had a tough time communicating. And just from his perspective, he was really happy about how that worked out for him because he was spending so much time trying to organize plans with her, fly back and forth, figure out when they were going to visit. And

he wasn't really able to build the kind of relationships that he wanted to initially for that first year. But he ended up making some of his best friends when he was in grad school, people in, you know, different programs and really getting to know them. And those are his closest friends today. And he doesn't really feel that he would have been able to get to know them in the same way if he was devoting that much time to a long distance relationship for six years. So kind of like Megan and Melissa said it sounds like a really great opportunity to deepen some new relationships and make some new lifelong friends um I'll also say that my boyfriend is a great partner now and I feel like he really knows who he is he's really confident in himself

and I'm really glad you know that he took the time to get to know himself and build some relationships so hope that helps fair yeah the fuck grad program takes six years oh my god she was saying that it was like the whole grad program was a six-year grad program oh no yeah you're right six he entered a six-year grad program what kind of oh that's a phd wow well worked out for them yeah worked out yeah this is you know the great part the don't blame them caller that could like be your partner talking about it later on you know like i'm so great i am i i have a lot people have faith in the independence of moving to a new city without a relationship i think it's great i do too so yeah hope that uh that original caller you know you're in the thick of hot girl

summer i also hope you like melissa have a yacht girl summer yeah that's coming you know you need like a you need you need meg the stallion to do a yacht some song you need like a theme song did you see that video she did when she was on that yacht and she was like twerking and then there was uh like a storm or something that came when she was on it and she was like i said twerk too hard stunning you know who's liz is also having a yacht girl summer liz is never not on a yacht exactly every summer in a pool yacht yacht pool yacht pool i fucking love it love it love it love it so if anyone has a yacht hit us up we wish you all a beautiful wonderful amazing yacht girl summer do you want to read a review i do i can if you're watching the video on patreon which i

totally forgot to promote it's a dollar a month to join our patreon you just get to support the show and we do the video versions of the podcast if you want to look at our facial expressions and look at melissa sitting here like just expectant on her computer waiting to read this review sign up on our patreon we also do a five dollar a month tier where we do live streams twice a month it's really fun you get to hang out it's a great way to like make friends by the time this comes out we might have a new tier yeah we might have a new tier where we're doing a video for the other podcast so it helps us maintain doing the shows it helps us stay afloat much like a yacht exactly and maybe one day we can get like mark cuban and actually deeply profit right now we've got

some monopoly money and a little bit of neopets cash ayo i'm nervous for this review this is from queen z678 z-way if only so this person is updating a previous review that they did so their previous review said i've seen a lot of one stars talking about how megan bashes people and as someone who listens to every episode i just wanted to comment if you believe your life is more valuable than other and ignore the cdc's pandemic guidelines skip this podcast if you don't believe black lives matter lgbtq plus rights women's rights or pro-trump don't call in it's not a political issue it is a moral issue and if you can't see that skip this podcast the fact that people repeatedly call in talking about how they go out to pack clubs every single

weekend in the middle of a pandemic that has killed 200 000 americans and then get upset when they are roasted is dumbfounding but if you are not a closed-minded white supremacist you will love this podcast update this podcast is not for whites i need to make an instagram update i'm a senior and still an avid fan of the podcast especially during the pandemic megan and melissa are so funny and give amazing tough love advice fan for life i have never listened to slash watched a podcast before into this i have been watching megan since i was a freshman in high school and i am about to start my sophomore year in college don't blame me it's hilarious touching and entertaining all at once it's great to listen to on a three-hour drive

home from college it really makes time fly i absolutely love you megan and this podcast thank you for being your incredible self wow i want to know for anyone who like has literally watched this content or my other content sent you since you're a child how did you end up like how did you turn out well i believe they turn out a little chaotic that say the cdc's pandemic guidelines i can hear i hear me in that matter yeah yeah this is like i hear the angry and direct nature but also like the cadence is flowing like you know it's i yeah that's that's wild freshman yeah wow so thank you queen z5678 thank you so so much also let me just talk about how many more people have died of covid i know make sure you go to like turning point usa they always

have like the most up-to-date facts statistics numbers that was sarcasm everyone yeah turning point usa is that scared me for a second you because you missed my face you weren't looking i know like my heart accelerated and i had to turn bitch what well so happy to know that you're still around i was like nervous you were like someone who's like younger and like we've got an update and it was like oh my god you were you were you had so much you were so promising like you seemed so great i was like are you suddenly like are they suddenly like a forced birther i was like oh no did you go to florida i read it no oh that is true you would have well you would we would write it off there yes it wouldn't have been on air no um not these other awful people

that have been leaving reviews yeah some of them are so weird it's just like i get such secondhand just quingy it's okay it's okay that's it for the episode leave us a review we love to hear from you and also maybe you want to leave an update like that like where what was the first time you left review and then where where are they now yeah that's a good one to do i mean i guess that's kind of like our update segment but maybe we need like a carmen where in the world is carmen san diego yeah but i need that where in the world is the girl whose husband was in a coma where in the world is the girl whose dad wanted to put no sorry i forgot about her is the girl whose boyfriend's dad was her former former hookup and now he wants to put a baby in her

where have you been yeah where have you been we hope you all enjoyed give us a call for an upcoming episode at 310-694-0976 international listeners send an audio message at michael podcast at gmail.com updates shoot us an email if you want to give us an update on a previous call uh that you have left us if we have more questions we can get an update find out what's currently happening and if you're giving updates please don't say i was the caller in the last episode oh yeah please say what episode it was because yeah we pre-record so we don't know what the last episode you also the last episode you heard was and if you are the caller talking about the breakup from this week's episode give us a call back stat would love to get you literally on in

the next episode we record so we can figure that out more vote in your local elections donate to local abortion funds if you have the time and capacity donate your time you can also donate resources share links uh educate the people in your life but also protect your energy in your own space what should they comment should we just comment like some good news of the week yeah yeah something good that's happened to you recently or anything great that's good that's good okay we will see you soon goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint Productions. Edited by Coco Lawrence. Post-production sound by Chris Henry. Production

assistance by Melanie D. Watson. Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.