Don't Blame Me! - I Could Die Here, I Could Die There, I Could Die Anywhere

Episode Date: August 29, 2023

Melisa survived being on a horse that didn't want to be ridden and Meghan learns that she's not spontaneous. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

that means i'll see you next tuesday but also right now because it's tuesday and i said that last tuesday which meant today yeah it's the circle that never ends but last week we didn't record on a tuesday but stop ruining the illusion hi hi hi how are you what's up you have a story to tell me and you've been waiting you've been sitting on or you've been sitting on a i don't know if it's a bad boy piece of information um but you texted me and said i'm gonna just i have this thing i have to tell you on tuesday yeah so you know on that but am i wrong episode when you're like not all horses are meant to be ridden and i agreed with you part of the horse of the horse of the horse resistance yes i i agreed with you but then you know just to argue with you i

made arguments but uh but um so i signed up to go i was in santa barbara this weekend for allison's wedding and i signed up to go horsebacking back riding all by my lonesome because that's just kind of what i do now oh my god you what people have been like this whole like pretend your life is a movie and you're the main character this bitch has been doing it since you came out the fucking who goes horseback riding like that's just iconic iconic aquarius behavior so i go to this place they section us out into groups of four i end up with a three generation trio of women the youngest being like 10 i don't know she's a child um with the mom and grandmother and so um they give the little girl like a little horse that she that the leader man is guiding himself

on his own horse and then we're all on horses i'm of course dressed the part per use and they're like you've written before i was like i'm very much a beginner don't try to give me no young stallion horse don't base the outfit based on my experience like it's the aesthetic is matching my excitement yes not my experience yes exactly so we start on the trail and first of all i think they put me in the wrong group because i signed up for an hour and a half and this ended up being two and a half hours that is too so we're getting up there 45 minutes 30 45 minutes and i'm like we should be heading back, right? No, we're weaving our way up a steep ass mountain that is narrow as fuck. And I am not enjoying what I thought was going to be a nice,

comfortable, relaxing ride. I am hating it. Like I'm terrified for my life. I'm shaking. i'm making the horse go slower than it needs to go because we're getting way too close to the edge for my liking like i can literally look down and be like i could die here i could die there i could die anywhere the group ahead of us is a woman yes the group ahead of us this woman was on her horse and she's been this woman's been riding forever as she told everybody else why is her horse turning around like in circles like i don't want to be here i'm like something's right i'm like i i said i don't think i think my horse is tired the horses are working yeah and i was like i don't i don't think this is great but i'm terrified i we're going up hills we're going down hills we're

going through narrow things we're going through water water we we reached the top and get why it took you so long we reached the top and like come over like this lookout and he's like go on and get your horse over like to the edge so you can look over i said no i'm good he's like no everybody and then he proceeds to go don't get too close to the one next to you they don't get along they bite each other sorry what why did you put them in the same group my horse's name is cash money I'm like, cash money, like, yes, like nine, nine and the two thousands. I don't, I don't, I don't like this at all. Then we start heading back and it's still narrow.

And it was just like, I got off that thing being dizzy. And we get back to the little trough thing. Horse doesn't even want to drink water. Like that's how over cash money was over this whole experience. Going on strike. And I get off, my nerves are shot, my legs are wobbling. I'm like, if I would have died, like, I don't even know. I had shared my location with Gabe.

But I was like, I truly did not know how I ended up here. Everywhere else I've gone horseback riding, it's just been flat land. I've gone on beaches, I've gone in the jungle, but it's all been flat. So I wasn't even anticipating this, But I should have known when I came up there and they have about 50 horses on this thing. And everybody that works there had on legit chaps and spurs. They didn't look like we're just going. A Ralph Lauren ass.

No, no, no. Which is what you looked like in a very good way. They were truly cowboys and cowgirls. Truly cow. They all get like a little house to live in. They live on the land. They get up at three o'clock in the morning. to play with i don't know what they do with the horses joined a small horse commune yes for a day

yes i did terrified for my life terrified you know as you should be those are big fucking bitches and so um yeah so now i'm just like whatever i came back and i went to trader joe's and as you No, I have not been to Trader Joe's since before the pandemic. You're not afraid of it. Yes. I haven't been since before the day. Well, it was like the day before everything got shut down. That was the last time I walked into a Trader Joe's.

I was like, I'm going to go to Trader Joe's today. I've lived a life. I've lived. That's like going to Coachella again and suddenly being able to do anything. I've lived and died many times. I had my abs hurt because we were going up and down hills and stuff. core strength out of control the next day my abs were sore as fuck yeah because you had to not fall off yes so here's my thing when I asked you when you were leaving I said did you did we already

talk about the weather and you said what and I said bring a sweater bring a jacket Santa Barbara gets very cold at night and you said oh okay no I'll do that that was a moment that I should have known you are not entirely familiar with santa barbara as a whole that i would have if i knew you were horseback riding i would have been like there were different trails i believe like i said they put me with the wrong group they put you with the lifers it's that outfit dude they were just like she says she's a beginner but no way look at her she fits right in yeah the mother the mother and well he was guiding her horse like it was a little horse and so he was on his horse and then he had a rope that was just guiding the horse to do whatever he needed so she was just like

there for the ride yeah that's ridiculously that's also way too long for i wouldn't even want to hike for that long like no way too long of an activity i can't breathe for that long no one's on my back yeah like carrying like i have a fanny pack and i'm not even and i make mods hold my water bottle we're on a hike and it's like i'm like i'm done but like now imagine if i was crawling on my hands and knees and someone's riding me for hours i'm bucking you off right and that horse was over he was the uh guide man at first he was like he told me like to tighten up my reins and i was like okay because i was trying to keep up because the horse didn't want to be there and he was like kicked it a little bit on the side and he's a little whip

thing i'm like i'm not using this whip on this horse um and uh and so like then i like when i tightened up then he was like you're too tight and i was like i'm not dying so i'm gonna just i'm just gonna be slow i can i'm just gonna do my thing i came for a relaxation right not for a fucking full body two out two and a half hour workout you're on what it was like you're on wipeout or like america what's it ninja warrior or yeah that was you're being put through a gauntlet yeah you didn't even get anything that's like at the end of that you're supposed to like find a treasure map or like a lost city like that's not like the experience is supposed to lead you that was like you know when people like are walking in there like oh i was like i

walked three summers and four winters and then i find and you're like no i just did that as a loop Yeah. Again, I thought I was just going to have a nice little relaxing ride. Absolutely not. I ask you, which day is this? Is this the day of the rehearsal dinner or the day of the wedding? The rehearsal dinner. And the rehearsal dinner was until like 7 p.m. But were you stressing a little bit that you're like, this is taking too long? No, I was like, I might not make it to the rehearsal dinner, even though I was there at 1130 in the morning. well so if i had to get a call from gabe being like melissa has sadly passed at this point and i go where what happened like melissa was on a horseback i would have to get up there and deliver

a speech at your funeral and say i'm so sorry but fuck horses i told that i told this bitch and this bitch got cocky with her little outfit and thought that they and this is what and i would have been like everybody i would make a powerpoint slideshow i'd be like maybe some horses don't want to be ridden yeah but unfortunately melissa was riding a horse that didn't want to be ridden and melissa also didn't want to ride that horse and here's what's me this is how you guys came out of it you and cash money neither of you wanted to be there so you were in it together yeah so i you know i paid them for an hour and a half i just rolled up my money and i was like here you go and left so i as i should because that's what i signed up for and that was on the that was what

was on my email to them yep also i should have known too because the email that i sent i was like hi i'm interested in a um hour and a half ride and there may be two other people gabe and gabe's boyfriend alex might have come but then they were like we don't want to go and i was like there might be two other people and then um they didn't respond back like in an email they responded in the subject of the email see you at 11 15 ish and nobody to the email that's like the really really bad but you like are starting like a college class and you're like oh I'm actually gonna like miss the first something like that and they respond like that and you go I don't know if I want to take this yeah these vibes are rancid yeah and then I get back and

then Alex is like you know because Alex was like horseback riding is boring I don't I don't go for like relaxation and when i get back he was like actually i would have been interested in that i prefer my horseback riding to be a potential running with death yeah can't relate well i'm really happy you're here with us today thank you i mean that earnestly because um all that reminded me of like the terrain everything you're saying reminded me of the hike i took in um what is the catalina a hike i took in catalina and i didn't think i was going to survive and i didn't have to be on a horse there yeah so like that it was like if i die it's because of me not because of this giant beast that doesn't want to be here either so

and i hate when they're like control the horse like they kept telling the the lady in front of me who like rides horses all the time the the uh mother like was like a perfect not professional but did like the english like competition stuff and then the mother the grandmother was like yeah i write like three and four times a month and her horse kept going into the bushes and the guy was like you need to control the horse better and she's like literally moving the reins like you can see here i'm like these horses don't want to be here let our bitches go yeah i think they would have been fine the beach wasn't that far away i think we would all been fine if we just rode across the beach and had a little gallop and that would have been it

but not up these treacherous also it was so dusty too and so when i got down i blew my nose and it was just brown brown dust coming out my nose that is my personal Coachella like that's awful that is so awful and then you had to go and like I mean obviously you shower but like then you have to like rehearsal and they're like big so pretty and you're like none of these bitches know I almost died today oh I was telling everybody don't worry no but it's like when you look around yeah you don't know how lucky you are that I'm here that I'm here yeah I almost didn't make it wow well i'm glad that you did make it are you going to continue on your every time you go on a vacation you're hopping on a horse yes but i will confirm that we are on flatland yeah flatland only

yeah i i like my hikes the same way i think you would like your um your horseback rides which my classification is the terrain i would like it to be where other people are riding beach cruisers and some people feel confident to not wear a helmet do i think it's smart no but it's flat there are no cars um and it's shaded and it's it's wide road and it's comfortable yeah so well better i'm hoping better luck for the next one thank you next one i'll be in texas so ye fucking yeah i'm gonna have to switch up i am switching up the outfit i'm switching up the outfit that's fucking fun though those will be good picks yeah um but overall the the wedding itself was beautiful like you could truly feel the love but the great thing about it is probably

one of the best weddings i've ever been to but the great thing about it was nothing was serious like it was such an unserious wedding that the person that did the vows it was just a stand-up routine and he kept saying that it was sponsored by brisk tea i just saw that on allison's instagram and i was like is this just a stand-up comedian yes and he was just it was just stand up the whole joke joke joke line line line the rehearsal dinner they had people get up to roast them so it was like it started with roasting um then the whole wedding ceremony everybody's toasts were all a joke. Like it was such an unserious fucking wedding.

If I had a wedding, that's exactly how I would like the only way I would be able to do it. It would have to be like deeply, deeply, truly to the core unserious. And she had a whole, like they had a cake that was ice cream cake, but then like the actual like spread for the desserts was gluten-free.

So then everybody could eat it. And then she also like had things for me and other people that didn't do gluten dairy, like like everything like it was just so like is she gluten-free or no no no and the thing is like everybody can eat gluten-free desserts and that's the thing she's like that's everybody can eat this so like we'll just make the bar gluten-free what a kind kind idea yeah and like three of us out of like 75 people there that were actual gluten-free people and then like alex himself is like celiac so seriously yeah so we had like pizzas that were made in a different oven we had oh my god

that is i've never been to a wedding that was i know alex was like i was planning on not eating at this whole thing but like yeah she made sure everything was taken care of there also was a um raw bar spread like so you know me i'm in there eating the crab the lobster claws and what a melissa weekend it was writing in a raw bar uh-huh the shrimp cocktail delicious oh wow live band um which but i know that for the for the white people weddings that's what y'all prefer whoa whoa first of all my people not i do not prefer but this was very good i was like i know i'm not gonna be doing the casper cha-cha slide here or anything at this wedding yeah i wasn't going to be doing any of that at this wedding but i did get to hit my bye-bye-bye dance from

instinct which you know i had to whip it out um of course no one was twerking to beyonce which was you know i said you don't maybe they were trying maybe they were they weren't and you just couldn't tell i was like we're not gonna hear hit the uh-oh but that's fine but there's a lot of songs i hadn't heard since you know my very white high school days very white high school days and it was a blast so i really appreciate that i was able to tap back into that oh that's so fun did they play don't stop believing actually no that's surprising there was no brown-eyed girl either what or sweet caroline none of those three what other songs were there there was anything that was like in the 2002 to 2006 pop range was there there's some blink 182 in there

okay it was like there alice alice is obsessed with mama mia so there was a couple Abba Abba songs in there um and Allison didn't actually I'm not gonna tell too much because this will come out before her episode about it um yeah but yeah there was there's the hits the pop hits of the early aughts Ed Sheeran wasn't in the early aughts no I know but like I every wedding I go to I'm like will is it Ed Sheeran or Christina Perri no early aughts wow love that that's good taste good taste oh my god i'm so happy you had so much fun i did i had a lot of fun and you didn't have to deal with the hurricane yeah yeah and the good thing about santa barbara is like santa barbara has it's like the right in between of um like

it has far more norcal weather than southern california weather so they get more rain so like venues will have that yeah but it was not cold as you had predicted it to be it wasn't usually but that's because of the i know it is not a hot it's not very warm there um yeah it was it was crazy like going out uh inspecting our home um while it was raining and i'm like let me put my like you know my rain gear on so like i have like a puffy jacket that's got like waterproof hood and i was like it's 85 degrees i'm sweating my ass off in here it was awful but the beetle doesn't like the rain obviously um yeah everybody was just like looking at their rings at home i was like it's just raining like not necessarily i was in um a writer's group that i go to on

sundays and the man that was in charge of it was very much freaking out he's like oh it's starting like he's like moving his camera over and it's like it's starting to rain the wind's picking up i gotta go i gotta we're gonna have to close this out early because i need to go buy some water i was like too late i'm looking but i'm literally looking at my ring camera and nothing that you're saying is a cause for this dramatics that you have does he live near you yes oh okay so then yeah because i was gonna say i mean if you're in like the south like uh south but it's like the south like that was like no redondo and all that like they started flooding no no some places did but um no what he was showing me was exactly what was going on on my

rain camera and i said okay i guess maybe you just never been around rain it more rain came during the rains earlier this year yeah and windier too yeah for us yeah yeah we got so much like stuff and so we were already prepared like we had a fridge full of food that our power went out like on yeah it was all of like thursday yeah and so we had to like we can't use anything in the fucking fridge the freezer like everything's bad at that point and then we're like okay well now the storm's coming and like we're apparently like potentially gonna lose power for three days like we're not gonna buy we only bought like non-perishables and so then when the power didn't go out it was like what

should we eat and it's like do we want a can of soup like we have nothing like I literally was like going through um like our fridge to find the closed uh ketchup packs that you get with fast food to like use to like dip my chicken nuggets in like two because like i bought one thing of frozen chicken nuggets and i organized the freezer so like this is the new food that like will let me myself have and it was a little chaotic um but thankfully we didn't lose power it was not bad here yeah either um yeah i kept checking like my um home assistant devices to see what was going on in the house just in case the power went off and it did oh yeah that's a good call you that's a good way to think about it i'm gonna tell you a little bit about my weekend where i learned

something about myself which you and mods will probably have the exact same response which is really now you're finally learning this about yourself so um this was like a moment of this weekend was a moment of like I know that I'm different than people and I know my brain works differently but this was like a wow my brain works like so differently um and so like once I were having a conversation on Friday night and he said something in passing which I then took as like saying something about like you know whatever it the conclusion I drew from that was like I need to be more spontaneous and he was like no you don't and I was like no I definitely like that I need to I'm taking this very literally like I'm I need to be more spontaneous and um so

so and I've got like a really bad like time management you know that thing and like that's like a struggle it's like you know I need someone to like keep me on time and like on top of that otherwise I'm not and then I'm like really upset with myself and then I'm like oh other people are mad at me because i i've messed up and then it's not intentional but then people don't say anything and i'm like oh my god do they think that's intentional and it's whatever so i'm like okay i need to be more spontaneous and i was like you're fine um and so the next morning we had like planned like get up early and do all this stuff and i was like okay i'm gonna be someone who like i get up and i like get my day started because i'm not like that usually and then it's

like oh god how is it so late already like i've lost track of all of that stuff and so he we didn't set an alarm and he woke up and he was like oh shit and he was golfing later in the day or like at like noon um and he had to leave at like 11 30 and was like we woke up and I forgot to set my alarm early and he was like oh shit like just realized like we have to go or like we didn't set the alarm I'm gonna go grab the stuff that we were gonna get which is stuff for we need something from Lowe's I don't exactly remember what we needed but we needed like some kind of home things like that and then we also needed to get some like groceries and non-perishables uh and then we wanted to get like batteries and some flashlights and stuff prepare um so I was

like oh um um okay I'll just go now and he was like well do you have like you know a morning routine I was like no no I can just I'll just I'll just go I'm like half asleep I brush my teeth i throw some sunscreen on my face i'm in the car i like can first like hardly keep my eyes open i like can't speak i can't form a scent we're like running these errands was that when i tell you that like every time that like i'm in the cart behind it i like think i'm walking as fast as he is i'm not i like had to keep sitting down on the floor of like loaves of the grocery store and just like plugging my ears and deep breathing because everything was so loud i was like i can't listen to music i can't have anybody talk to me i like can't even like when someone was like trying

to like get in front of me at the grocery store my eyes welled up with tears i almost started crying because i was like i can't handle any of this i was so stressed and moms was like did and like my heart is racing and he was like did you take your meds and i was like well no because i have to take my meds i take my meds with food in the morning and like i haven't had my coffee yet and he's like okay like i'll just drop you off at home i was like no no i can do it i can do it i can do it and then he literally told you to do your morning routine i know i but there was no time i couldn't there wasn't time he was like i'll go do this while you do and i was like no i gotta i gotta get ready i gotta like and i was like it was like five minutes from the time

i woke up from the time i was out of the house maybe even less than five minutes like two um um and i i think i even wore the pajamas i'm sleeping um and we like get home at we have like oh no it's like stop at cvs to pick up my meds and um i'm like just not doing well but i'm like doing my best to like hold together because i'm like this is a me problem like you know like you're like everything's fine so we were doing our final errand and it was like okay i'll take this door you take this door they're right next to each other um and he was like oh actually like never mind i don't my golf time is actually like 1 30 and i was like what and i was like were you trying to like just make me go faster he's like no i literally just figured that out it's

fine we get home i make food i like put my earplugs in i'm like turning all of the lights off i'm like drinking my coffee it's like 11 30 it's like 11 30 11 45 or 12 and no amount of beta blockers could slow my heart rate down all day I was absolutely wrecked I was so dead I couldn't I couldn't like watch anything on my phone my like had a splitting migraine that would not go away I drank so much water I like made sure I ate like a fully like you know not just like one of my uh oh I forgot like this is like I made a like a breakfast bagel sandwich that had egg and had sausage and my gluten-free bagel like i had all of these things and i it is now tuesday that was saturday i am still recovering from this and i have learned that um sometimes it's not willpower

that gets people to do different things it is we have different bodies and different brains and i was like i felt like a toddler who was like about to have like a full-blown like meltdown like it was i and i was i was like i felt like i was dying and i was like oh i don't have this morning routine and like i don't have like do all of this in my head it was all mental why i did this and it was like no this is also this is you don't you can't start the physical aspects of your day until this because then the physical aspects of your day are like wrecked like my legs were it like simultaneously like my joints just hurt and like when I would bend my legs to just like walk it felt like my legs weren't bending and it felt

like everything was all like locked together and you're just like you're just like stomping through life and I thought I was like I was trying to walk as fast as I could but it felt like I was in a dream and like he was like so much faster than me and I was like so um that's what I learned about myself and um I'm like a much more pleasant person and like the next morning like I slept like a lot that night and the next morning I was like oh I'm happier like I was miserable all day like I was just in such a like foul mood and I don't like being in a bad mood like fun fact about me whether people want to believe it or not but like i hate being in a bad mood like i will i'm very easily distracted which is great but like i would rather just like move on from shit instead

of like stewing it which is why we've talked to this i have the issue of like i don't know how to feel my feelings because like if they're unhappy feelings like i'd rather just like be happy and like find something happy um and so i learned the importance uh of that and that i'm not like other people and that's also like what's was like you do like i was like well i was being spontaneous he goes that wasn't fun it's not you still have to have some type of but he was also like that's not what being spontaneous like means i was like it's not like well then how do i be spontaneous and he was like trying to explain it to me and i like could not understand i was like okay well then can you tell me when i'm supposed to be spontaneous he goes it's the opposite of

being spontaneous and i was like i'm so sorry i don't know if i can do this he goes that's fine And that's fine. Like, I used to be able to just get up and my alarm clock went off and I could just get in the shower, get about my day. Now I need a whole hour to myself before I can even start processing what to do in the day. Like, I can't do that anymore. um also i know that i have to have food in the morning or i can't think um and i'm i'm saying all this to say like these are things that i'm constantly relearning about myself all the time and it changes like i said i could you could just get up and go and now i can't do that anymore it changes over time and you just gotta yeah and it's like realizing what's like a uh a want versus a need or like a nice to have or a have to have and i was like oh this is i have to and i was talking to jesse and i were facetiming um yesterday and i was talking about it and she was like you

like you need like a three hour fucking morning thing and i was like it's like not even a like it was like i just i can't function like yeah it's my body doesn't function my brain doesn't function and then i'm running on empty all day and it was like it was just so interesting because I was the same way like college high school like I used to like I was I would wake up brush my teeth wear whatever the fuck I was wearing when I went to sleep and then just show up to class like and that was fine like worked fine for me allegedly I guess but like I also wasn't doing great in that and I'm like oh I guess like learned behavior is not like a like a luxury in that sense like i'm doing something like because like i i want to do it but and i need

and i i'm getting positive results from so like that was what i learned about myself and that's i think that's also why um my stomach was off all day yesterday because i'm still recovering from this and you know we learn new things about ourself all the time yeah so yeah it was this is an episode brought to you by learning things about yourself but that's that's also why i don't go to any i well i don't like to go to stores period because my nerves get shot being around people just moseying along where i'm like figure out what you want and let's get out of here i wish i could tetris people and i just want to move them around and i don't want anyone touching me and like i just like oh i hate it but

But when I do have to go, I'll only go during the week at a time where I know people aren't going to be there. Like yesterday when I decided to make the trip to Trader Joe's on my way back, it was 1130. I knew that it wouldn't be a perfect time. Yeah, it wouldn't be that terrible time where it's cart to cart traffic. Yeah. And there's still too many people for me, but I did it.

And I'm proud of you. Yeah. Because after that, you could do anything. and that's what i learned is i actually can't do anything i can't there are things that i just can't do but if you were if you were properly fueled then you would have been that's what i mean like yeah i can't do that i i i need the things that i need to function um you know i can be as mad like mad at my brain for like working the way that it does but like being mad it doesn't literally change any of it like the sheer willpower thing that is a big adhd thing that like

every couple years people are like maybe if i just try and it's like but you are trying like you've tried like this is like it's not like you think yourself out of it kind of a thing um but uh yeah that like the powering through and this year like there's a what happens when you power through is like you blow a fuse and you're like incapacitated for um days on end and you're miserable and it's not worth it so that's what I've learned about me and hopefully I'll remember that I've learned that and I'll stay learning it yeah and it might change yeah so what have you learned about yourself recently everybody let us know please slide into our dms all right well that's the end of see you next Tuesday

and we will see you next Tuesday sounds like a plan