Don't Blame Me! - I'm In Love With My Boss... and My Boyfriend Knows

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

This week we're sharing advice on: Annoying neighbors Breaking up and moving out Having sex for the first time and he won't stay hard Being obsessed with your boss Don't Blame Them: Comparing your life to your therapist's life Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Get your tickets now for The Dog Stars. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear. Go! A therapist. Kill or be killed. Jacob Elordi. There are people out there. They need our help.

Josh Brolin. Shoot first and inquire afterwards. Margaret Qualley. Okay, tough guy. And Guy Pearce. Arm up! The Dog Stars, directed by Ridley Scott. In theaters Friday.

Get tickets now. hear that it's your money calling it wants a promotion elevate your savings with the scotia high interest savings account always earn high regular interest rates that grow the more you save and invest conditions apply visit scotiabank.com slash hisa to learn more scotia bank you're richer than you think. If you are going to watch any episode, this might be the one you should watch. Yeah, I agree. It was startling to me. And it will be startling to all of you. And now if you switch over to Patreon, you will see that I have some wild makeup right now. But Hello. Welcome to Don't Blame Me. We are an advice podcast where we give you life-changing,

wonderful, amazing advice. My name is Megan, and I'm joined by my co-host producer and the glue to my glitter, but except you are also glitter glue. I'm just not sticky. Okay. I am Melissa. That was quite an introduction. I wasn't expecting the extraness of it, but thank you. Glad to be here. It's been a day for the both of us. You are recording an audio book this week. yes directing an audiobook this week directing one this week i actually didn't do it today i was able to get out of it for today so that we could record but then you ended up having to do other things so i could have done it yep so it's a shit show i got a last minute tape so i currently

look goth like we've got some dark eye makeup very dark and if anybody's ever seen queens who like to watch with Trixie and Katya on Netflix's YouTube channel if anyone knows the episode where it's that guy and it's like the makeup competition and he keeps just looking in the mirror I just like keep wanting to make that exact face just constantly being like and I love it it's terrifying yeah I mean it's definitely not my vibe and style and I auditioned for a 16 year old and then watch like next week I'll audition for a 35 year old you know keep it spicy it's the range That's what I told you. I almost said I was 5'6 in my slate,

but I was like, let's not lie that much. That's not believable at all. No, I used to do that until Sasha was like, I'm 5'6. And I was like, whoop, I got it. That's too much of a lie. Well, like I said, we're an advice podcast. And if you want to call in, if you need help with your life, we're here to help you.

So leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976. And international listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com. You have to keep it under three minutes or you will be cut off and write it down. Practice what you're going to say, time it out so we have all the information, how old you are, how old everybody else is in the story,

what your pronouns are. Keep it all anonymous. If you're going to include fake names, give them some fake names. Let's not number them or letter them. That's too hard for us. I'm a creative mind. I can't follow that.

Just a reminder that when you're calling in, we are not professionals. We are giving our specific opinions on the calls and we are both liberal minded, pro mass, pro vaccine, pro women's health, pro choice. So go with that. Yeah. If you don't like that, just know that when we give advice, it is always coming from our own opinion. So if you don't like our opinions, you might be running into some issues here. Yeah. And also, if you say that, you know, you know what we're going to say before we say it for the advice. Well, if we surprised you, that would be an issue. We're consistent. It's just double standards listed right. And if you do everything wonderful with your call and you pass a flying colors, you will get a diamond from Melissa. That's me.

It's not a real diamond. It's a a figment of your imagination so it can be as big or as small as you want it to be and you want it because it is a high act and it's always ethical it is always ethical unless it just gives you a blood diamond even the hypothetical diamonds no no not not conflict free it's a very conflicted diamond good god uh well we don't have an update for this episode because it was just way too hectic to schedule literally I finished my tape and sent it like five minutes before we started recording so we don't have an update for this episode but that is fine because you'll survive everybody okay she's attempting to be a working she's working to become a working actor love to

see it love to see it so what's new with you absolutely nothing absolutely nothing I've been being consistent uh directing audiobooks and which I've done now every day I mean every week for the last like five weeks which I haven't done that before I'm also back to working out every day I feel great my ass is rock solid well yeah it was already you know plump but now it's like hard that's the difference of you when you're like oh let me like work out my glutes and you're like oh my already fat ass is just like harder physically it was hard before but now it's hard yeah that's the only thing I walked past the mirror I was like damn you got shelf yeah I'm jealous I love that for you I'm very happy for you what workouts have you been doing um I do a mixture of boxing

rowing peloton bike some weight lifting wait did you get a real peloton bike yeah you knew that oh yeah and then you had the other bike that you were selling yeah i sold it gabby wow i'm happy for you working out sounds like actual like torture to me post i know i know it's brutal did you ever get that lung machine thing that i told you about no but i have been finding that like when i put on when we're in the car i'll put on taylor swift if i'm not driving and i will like sing along and like my lungs like it stretches my lungs out and i like the start of it's really rough but then by the end of like the hour or so i'm like oh i can sing along again okay so i'm doing that but i yeah i probably should do some other stuff yeah we'll see one day we'll get there

one day we'll get there cammy told me it took her like over a year to like actually start working out and so i feel a lot better about that i mean you're healthy for the most part so yeah aside from the long covid yeah and the other things but yeah you know i said for the most part for the most part. Is there anything else we should discuss before we get into the calls? Do you have anything new to share? Not so much. I mean, by the time that this episode comes out, hopefully the YouTube video that I've been editing for two weeks will actually come out and you will see the trials and tribulations of us looking for a house. We missed out. We did not get the other house again and it's absolutely insane how what people are doing like it's wild they're eating

the cost of like how much it's actually going to cost like it is wild i got into like the real estate stuff talking about that on the last episode of what am i wrong but just as time goes on and we like tore more houses and put offers on more houses and like this one we like got farther along in realizing that people are like waiving the appraisal fee because like the sellers know that it's not going to appraise for what they offered for. So I'm like, oh, so you're paying like twice your down payment. Like you're having to cover right off the bat. It's just not a smart financial investment.

It's not going to like naturally hit that value for like, I don't know, years and years and years. So whatever. It's fine. I'm annoyed, but I'll survive. We'll get a house eventually. Yeah, eventually. I'm sorry you have to go through all this, but that's what happens when we live in the

place that we live. yeah i do keep looking at like houses in random states like i found this beautiful farm in vermont that's like within our budget and i'm like babe should we move to vermont or random places in connecticut because we're watching gilmore girls and mods is like this is great let's live like this just too cool i'm like if we could too cool for me it's pretty cool okay well i guess we can get into the calls all right hi negative melissa i'm 24 and i use she her pronouns and i've been living in my apartment for almost eight months, and I have four months left on my lease. Also, this is my first apartment and my first time living away from my parents. Here is my dilemma.

I feel really safe in my apartment in my area of town. I live in a secure building and know a few of my older neighbors. I have a short commute to the office and my older brother is a few minutes down the road if I need him. My problem is that I cannot send my upstairs neighbor. I can hear every footstep that they make and they have a little kid that lives there half the time that makes it sound like I live in a war zone. I've left notes on their door and I've told the leasing office and banged on the ceiling and they just stomp back even harder. I've had panic attacks over the situation and I've had to leave my home multiple times so I can take a break from the noise and even sometimes get a good night's sleep. I have a couple of friends that live in a sketchier

part of town in the most charming apartment full of character. They suggested that I break my lease and move into their neighborhood but my problem is that I will lose a few amenities that I enjoy such as a garage and my own washer and dryer. I also live alone and don't want a roommate and my friends that live in this sketchy part of town have boyfriends and husbands that they are coming home to and I'm just on the edge of my seat knowing that there's no one looking out for me if I move down there, especially since I jog almost every day and get home pretty late some evenings. Another benefit to moving to their neighborhood is that there are plenty of restaurants and cafes and friends that I enjoy visiting, but if I stay in my current situation,

these places are only a 30-minute drive away at the most. I also want to move a little further away from my part of town because I want to change, and I feel that I'm still too close to my parents' home and can't grow as much as I need to living so close, even though my mom wants me to stay where I am. I can only afford so much rent by myself and know that I can only afford where I'm currently living right now or to move to the scarier part of town. It feels like there are equal pros and cons, but I just don't know what to do. Thank you so much for the advice. Bye. Okay, before we get started, can I just say, let's stop saying that things sound like a war zone when they don't like a child running around does not sound like bombs going off or guns being fired

it's not a good comparison and it's especially to people that like live in actual war zones yeah also saints get you part of town as well yeah i i mean i i agree with you on both of those parts and also there are some things that just kind of like i don't mean this to be callous but Like, if you live in an apartment and there are people who live above you, like, sans, like, them murdering each other or, like, something, like, criminal happening, it's not a crime for upstairs neighbors to be loud. So the likelihood that you're going to encounter that constantly in every apartment that you are in is that it's that's very high. Like, it's inevitably kind of going to happen. It's just apartment living. And I totally understand how that can be really, really frustrating and maddening and like

create a lot of anxiety and all of that. But that is not not allowed in the apartment, like if it's not like past quiet hours or something like that. So I just don't know if you moving to a new place is going to change that. And I think that like, I would say, can you move in that building that you're in to the top floor or to a higher floor? But I think if noise is your issue, is your number one issue, is having loud neighbors, the only way that you can prevent that is not having neighbors.

Do you know what I mean? Like, even if you have good neighbors and then they move. Yeah. I don't know. It feels like you've really solidified that these are your only two options. Like, this is the only apartment you could afford. And then the only other one you could afford is in this other area of town. I understand that you want somewhere farther away and you want some someplace new and all

of that. But if this place that you are thinking of moving to has, you're basically saying the equal amount of pros and cons, I think moving is like an expense, like it's going to cost you money and like, you're not guaranteed that it's going to be better. Like it's just going to be different. And so I think that like save money, stay where you're at, see if they will let you like not make a new lease, but like continue your lease and like let them know like, hey, I would love to move upstairs at any point if a unit becomes available and then save

your money and then move out to an area that you really want to move out to that doesn't have as many cons pros cons that like is like you know very much an upgrade for your life and what you want right right because i mean even i was living in my last apartment well i was living in a different unit in that apartment and at one point one of my neighbors got evicted and then they moved into the garage of my apartment and it was just against the law. But once they inhabited it, it was because of laws that are in LA, they couldn't kick them out. And then they would like at like two o'clock in the morning would be like hammering and it was directly below me and I could hear all that mess. And it was frustrating. I couldn't sleep. So I understand where you're

coming from but even if people live below you you still can't possibly hear them yeah oh yeah oh i know i fully know i don't know how if you wanted to go into that oh i i can hear everything absolutely everything um and i also used to live i used to have upstairs neighbors and they had kids and i will say like i think that there are things that your upstairs neighbors can do that can really annoy you and have every right to annoy you to be perfectly honest I don't think unless there's like child abuse happening a kid being a kid or a toddler or a baby being whatever like that can be like oh I really wish I was getting more sleep but can't take that frustration out on like oh there's always a kid running around up there and all of that like again that is not

that's something you're inevitably going to run into every place that you live as long as you live in an apartment and it might just be that apartment living is not really right for you right now and like i would also just factor in the fact that like right now you have anxiety because it's really loud are you gonna have anxiety because you like to jog and you're not gonna have a parking space and you're not gonna have any of this and then you don't want to have a roommate but like it just feels like you're kind of backed into a corner and both options are relatively similar and i think that like on the off chance that you move and it's the exact same situation just with different neighbors right without a parking spot no laundry and unit like that is something that

And the factor of the people and the neighbors is never, like you said, even if you're above them, they could be loud and you could hear them like that's something you can control. So moving to get away from that problem is I just don't think that's, it's not going to change. And even, you know, if you go to this new place, then your anxiety is going to be up because you said like, living in that area, you don't feel as safe. So yeah, it's still going to be something that's a bother to you. Yeah. And I think that the solution is put in that you would love to switch to an upstairs unit if possible, and then save your money and find a place and like look around and find like little areas and neighborhoods that you would really want to be in and that you like want to aspire to be able to live there and like a apartment unit or a house or a condo or a townhouse, anything like that. and kind of focus your energy on that, I would say. But I'm sorry, neighbors can be, it can be like mad thing and very, very rough. Yeah, even, you know, I live in a house now and even my neighbors that live next door to me on Sundays, they have parties like every Sunday

and it's very loud music and I still have to do work. So it's still a lot on me. So yeah, you can't control who you live around unless you go live in the middle of nowhere. Could be nice. should we get on to the next hi Megan Melissa and potential guest I'm 24 years old and I've just gone through the absolute worst breakup of my life my partner and I were together for three years and he and I had gotten a house together and a week after we closed I spent

the entire time painting with his parents talking about our future together in that house and he was acting really weird and he wasn't really helping or anything like that. And I assumed it was because he was busy with work. And then I got home from work and was about to go finish up at the house and he stopped me and he's like, we need to talk. And he broke up with me while his parents were still here staying with us. And he didn't sleep on the couch or anything that night. He insisted on spending the night in the same bed as me. And then he was just gone in the morning. And so I just didn't know what to do. And I left and I flew back to my parents place and I stayed there for a couple months, but now I have to go back and get my stuff because I just dropped everything. My job

wouldn't give me a leave of absence or anything. So I just quit everything and left. And I don't know how to go about getting my stuff. I thought about sending a moving truck, but the reality is I can't afford it. And you know, maybe I'll send some friends. I don't know. But I could really use your advice on how to get my things. Because I don't really want to see the house. And I don't really want to see our dog, which he's keeping because I can't afford him. And frankly, it's his dog more than it is mine. And so yeah, thanks for any help. I love your podcast. Okay, bye. Not me trying to look up her area code to be like, are you nearby? I will do. Wow. Fuck this. I'm so sorry. Like, so sorry. This is like so fucking brutal. Nobody deserved this, but you very much like did not deserve this. And I just want to say a massive kudos to you for like prioritizing yourself and being

like, fuck all of this, dropping everything, quitting your job and like moving back home for a couple months. I think that is like a great, great thing to do in these instances. And it's like one of those things where like your brain does that like self-preservation kind of thing that it's like, this is what I need to do. Maybe it sounds really rash and really extreme, but like that's when I'm like, damn, our brains are cool in like being like this is what I have to do this is how I can protect myself and I just am like really not to be cheesy but like proud of you for doing that as somebody who

has like not in this extent but like has very much like dropped everything quit things dropped out of school like done all of that kind of stuff I know where you have to be to like make those kinds of decisions and have them be kind of easy decisions to make or like the only option so kudos to you for doing that but fuck fuck yeah i mean you guys bought the house together is your name on the deed to the house do you have anything in writing saying that you get part of the house because it's not fair if you both own the house if he's staying in it so legally i would figure that out and then if he's still in the house and then your name's still on the mortgage or whatever you have for the house, you need to get your name removed because

again, that's not fair for you to be on something that's on your credit and you don't even live there. And then also I would just send friends over there because since you said you can't afford to hire movers or hire anyone to go over there, I would simply just ask friends to go over there and take care of it for you. Yeah, no, I fully agree. Like if a friend of mine asked me to do this, I would do it in a heartbeat. Like, so I think if you have people to ask

without a doubt, do it. And then I think if you're kind of having a harder time having people to ask, if you are a part of our Facebook group, we have people all over the country who are all over the world, but who are like very, very, very supportive, who I'm sure would want to step up and help.

And if you're in the Los Angeles area. I am, I'm not good at heavy lifting, but I could definitely organize that kind of stuff. I didn't even think that she might be on like the deed to the house for some, just because it wasn't brought up that I kind of assumed that it was on under his name and that she was going to be paying like half mortgage or something. But if you are in fact, like on any sort of legal deeds, even if that's like the wifi is in your name or the water bills in your name or anything like that, I would have a friend reach out either from them or via your email address and just kind of say it's you and just be like hey can you do this like I need you to get me off of this or honestly have your

parents call and any of that stuff like I think that in this kind of thing like you don't want to see the house you don't want to communicate with him but like this shit needs to kind of get done and I think that like you shouldn't feel any sort of shame asking friends and family to kind of help you out with the logistics of this. I really hope that you're not on like the deed of the house. And then if you are, I don't know too much about those kinds of like contracts. So if anybody has any insight, if you're a lawyer, specifically, or if you work in like housing or real estate or anything, only those specific people that are actually versed in this or if you've been through it yourself because i actually there actually has

been a couple people that have called in and they've been through this as well so let us know uh send us a message either on facebook if you're in the group or on instagram to let us know if you are in the facebook group because i'm i'm sure people will want to make a post with like helping you out and so if you're there we can expedite letting you in if you're not if you're not already in the group or we can find a way to direct any of that information to you because it does seem to be this is more timely than like a don't blame them kind of an update but i'm really sorry this like really sucks and i think it's completely valid that you don't want to see the house you don't want to see him you don't want to do any of that stuff so i think that your friends and

family should be able to kind of step up and get that kind of stuff done and if you need to be the one physically there or on the phone or anything like that. I just kind of recommend like having a friend there with you in the room while you're talking or have like a parent there with you and really treat those kinds of conversations if you have to have them as like they're relatively traumatic, like, and that's like pretty brutal. So it's like, okay, I'm going to set aside X amount of hours to do this. And then I'm going to watch my favorite movie and I'm going to order takeout from my favorite restaurant like just because you need to get shit done to like really move past this breakup and grieve it doesn't mean that you have to like kind of put the grieving on hold

until all of this shit is done like give yourself that kind of space to recognize that like this might be some like really extra shitty stuff that's tethered there yeah i'm so sorry and what a fucking asshole being like just not sleeping on the couch just gonna sleep in the bed with you are you kidding yeah fuck him oh and here's a cheap way of how you can send things that a lot of people don't know about is that you can find like a bus route like a greyhound or something and you can put your stuff on the bus and it's like 20 bucks for like a whole bunch of stuff and then you can go pick it up from the bus station that's nearest to you wow oh all right let's take a break okay we'll be back

okay we are back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa i just turned 19 and my pronouns are she her and my boyfriend is 18 and his pronouns are he him. First in background, we have been dating for six months but friends for about 12 years. I never wanted to date anyone in high school when so we began dating shortly after high school graduation and right now we go to college is 40 minutes apart. The first two months of our relationship was kind of a transition zone between friends to partners. We were both virgins and over the summer we did some sexual things like going down on each other but that's the furthest it went. The reason I am calling is because we tried to have sex one more time

when we were both home from college over a break and when he put the condom on he couldn't stay hard. He was super embarrassed by this and we ended up talking about it because because I could tell that he was super nervous and I wanted to make him feel comfortable. We tried again and the same thing happened. We tried again a few days later. Now it's been like three months since the last time we tried to have sex or do anything sexual at all. I don't know who to talk to about this because I feel embarrassed that meeting him naked in front of him isn't enough to just keep been hard even with a condom on if you guys could give any advice on why you think this might be happening or how I could try to initiate having sex or doing other things that would be great

I just kind of feel like we should have had a first time already because we've already tried multiple times and I feel like I'm not good enough because it does it keeps not working out we've talked a bit about it and because of some negative past sexual experiences I've had with other people I think you might be nervous to cross any lines and things like that but I have told him that's something i really want to do and i don't know if the nerves getting to him or what i should fucking do because i want to have it anyway thank you and i will be both please help me okay there's several factors that go into this one of them is probably the the top one is probably the anxiety of this being your first time of having sex with penetration so don't take this as like a youth

thing like he can't get hard because he's seeing you naked it's probably nerves so one thing is that try you know going down on him and jacking him off having him come first before you try penetration another thing could be like some people with condoms it might not be the right size so making sure that the size of the condom is correct and then also it could also be that like because you're not stimulating him at the same time that the condom is on then he's just losing arousal so with that you could just like keep stimulating him while he's putting the condom on until he enters you and that could also help yeah i agree with all of that i think also it would be really good if you haven't had the conversation yet already to kind of be like hey if you come

in two seconds that's okay like don't worry about that a lot of the time it can be the well i don't want to come so fast and so i'm trying in everything in my power to not come like with the second gust of wind but now i'm psyching myself and out and telling myself all these things to be like don't come don't come don't come think of like baseball think of your grandma and then that it backfires and then it's like oh okay so like very early stages of like having penetrative sex like with someone who has a penis like just know that there are kind of like it's on either end of the spectrum like it is like you're trying not to come so so so fast and that can then lead to this and making sure that you both know that like this is just your first time and it's

not to be expected what you think like sex for the rest of your life is kind of going to be like so like no pressure there but yeah i was gonna say the the condom thing if you're putting the condom on if he's putting it on too soon after he's like just kind of starting to get hard and then that is like a i'm paying attention and especially if it doesn't fit well or it's like a just not the right brand or style that's like working and it's taking a long time that's also kind of getting out of it because you're not like thinking about that but yeah i agree that like foreplay foreplay foreplay and then if he's able to get hard and like finish with like hand jobs and like making out and doing all of this other kind of stuff to then kind of lead up to like

penetrative sex but I will also say if this is like a thing that is hard for him always constantly then I think like you obviously can't make him do this but telling him like hey like have you thought about like talking like obviously like it's okay like don't worry like I still really care about you but this is something that we both really want to do and we're really excited to do and I kind of feel like all tapped out of ideas so like have you like maybe brought up to your doctor what like if there is something that's up or if you are you've been friends for so long if you know if he's on antidepressants or any kind of medication that can possibly affect that and just being able to like have that conversation but I think that as much as like this is awkward

for both of you and it is causing you to feel insecure and it's hurting your self-esteem if you are able to have conversations about sex um with your partner before you have sex conversations like this that might be a little awkward and uncomfortable when you eventually have penetrative sex it's going to be so much better because like if you can talk about sex now when it's like the difficulties of like him getting hard or staying hard then bringing up later on things that you're into or like oh I didn't really like this when we had sex or like I'm not really finishing like let's try this like you're able to kind of start that line of communication which I think is a really good thing so that's kind of like a the bright side of this kind of stuff but I also

would bring up the conversation not while you're naked oh yeah trying to have sex yeah like I would just be like hey can we talk and bring it up and reassure like I don't want this to feel awkward like i don't want you to feel like weird about this but i really want to let you know that like i'm really worried that this is about me it's not about you like it's not if you've watched the video melissa and i the entire time like nope it's not about you it has nothing to do with you like i don't think you should like keep that to yourself i think you should let him like so like i'm feeling a little insecure and worried and wondering if this is like about me and if there's something that i'm doing wrong or something i can do so like is there something that really turns

you on like have you talked about that with him like is there something that really turns you on that i can i can do because i really want to make this work do you want to try and have penetrative sex or are you not really interested in doing that like right now because he might not be and that also could be a part of it and that has nothing to do with you it can be a multitude of things it can be his sex drive just isn't that high it can be that he's felt insecure and embarrassed about this so he kind of just wants to take a back seat and take a break and he's like not really ready to kind of try doing that again but if the more you have communication you can find out what turns you on and then what are these factors that might be influencing this

and none of those factors are you right and if he turns around and says any of them are like i just don't think you're hot like that is a lie yeah i mean and i don't think he's gonna say that i don't think he will either you've been friends for a really long time and like there's just a lot of pressure and you're both virgins and you haven't had penetrative sex before so you know yeah that's like the one learning curve I would say as somebody who's like dated friends really that's like been my long-term relationships it is a little bit hard to go from being so close and telling someone everything and then kind of taking a bunch of steps back but also to the side to start a relationship because you're not 12 years into a relationship you're like 12 years into a friendship

but you do take a pivot with a relationship and so the more communication you can kind of have and not just be like oh we've known each other for so long you haven't known each other in this kind of sense so like really building that up and that trust and that communication i think will end up positively for both of you yeah foreplay all right let's go to the next one hi megan and melissa i'm 23 my friends are she her and i need some advice or some intel i feel like i'm in love with my manager and let me explain that i have liked him ever since he started liked him in the fact that he was always really kind he was a great manager great general manager always cared about his employees and then when he started getting to know everybody I feel like him and I

had this like great employee to general manager relationship and I feel like I always like told him everything about work and if there was problems and he always listened and for like three and a half four years like he has just been like my general manager friend who I tell everything to And he is always, like, asking me about school, et cetera, et cetera. Super nice. So he got promoted and is no longer our general manager. He is our area manager for other restaurants, including ours. So he comes to our store a lot still.

And I feel like ever since I found out he was leaving Splash Left, I felt like I was just so infatuated with him. And he's just so cute. And I love him so much. and I love him so much as a person and as a general manager but now I feel like I'm also extremely attracted to him and I can't stop thinking about him and looking at him and he's just always on my mind because of how much I love him both platonically and now because I feel like he's just really cute also I have a boyfriend of four years and I also talk to my boyfriend about how much i love and miss my general manager so he knows that but he doesn't know quite how obsessed

i am with him he is 11 years older than me and obviously i have a boyfriend who i plan to marry so that's nothing there i just don't know what to do about these thoughts because i need to chill out and stop obsessing over this person but i don't know how to do that so if you have any advice that would be appreciative thanks guys so i thought at first i was like damn we're having all these cutouts i feel like we're gonna be missing key information there's no additional information that you could have i think the information we were just missing was her uh talking about how cute he was again yes like i for the first time ever there are cutouts in the call and i think i've got we've

got more than enough info yeah this is an infatuation and obsession i don't think you're actually in love with him yeah i think you're obsessed with him like i think that this you're obsessed and i don't think that you love him i think you're obsessed with him and as much as you're like well how do i stop it doesn't really seem like you want to kind of stop he's 11 years older than you which means that you're 23 and he left about three and a half to four years ago so you were like 20 to like like 19 and he was no he was 31 or 30 and you were much younger so like I don't mean to say this in a bad way at all but have you potentially maybe found yourself in other instances of not having a male adult figure in your life who you have felt really

close to or felt really appreciated you or cared about you or listened to you doesn't even have to be a male figure but like to be specific and have you ever had this kind of thing with like teachers before like have you ever really loved a male teacher or any teacher who was a decent amount older and this might just not be that obvious because it's not like the age of what your parents might be or like whoever your guardians were whoever raised you it might not feel as like oh this is like an authoritative figure or someone who's above me who's telling me that they're proud of me who's really listening to me and all of that that it feels really validating and this gives me the same vibes as people who like fall for their therapist you know because

what you're describing about him is that he asks you about school and he's really receptive and he's like there to always like help when you're asking about work stuff and you're telling him these things, these problems that need fixing. Like he is just a good manager. Yeah. And I was going to say, which are just qualities of someone that's a good manager. That's a good boss, someone, you know, that they did a good job and then they moved on. And now you're just kind of latching on to those things that happened in the past does your boyfriend know because you you talk to your boyfriend about like missing him and thinking that he's cute but does he know how much you're infatuated with this man she said no she said not to that level yeah and you said that

you want to marry your boyfriend too i think therapy would be the way to go for this you got to talk to a therapist about these things because I feel like there is some which Megan was hinting at there might be some deep-rooted thing that you need to work through and I think that that's important before you even start talking about marriage with your boyfriend that's not fair to your boyfriend I'm not a therapist psychologist like I think that's kind of like where my gut instinct is going is that those needs weren't necessarily met by people in your life and now this was someone who is meeting those needs who isn't it feels like is not required to because their relationship to you is much less potentially much less deep than anyone else in your life prior

to this but i will also say it could be like completely not that and you have a wonderful relationship with the people who raised you and you have like moved away from that and you're trying to find a replacement of that. Like you're trying to find that pseudo person there, or maybe it's that you feel like your boyfriend, like there are some faults that you feel like maybe he's not the best at asking you about your life. He's not the best at like listening and kind of changing things and like adjusting things that like for you. But I will say if that is the case and you are very happy in your relationship, I would like sit down and think about what that is because a manager relationship is very different than a partner and like a romantic in that sense

and so I think that it could be really easy to see it in a romantic kind of flirtatious light of like oh my god he does this he does this he does this he does this and it's like well that is also like his his job in that kind of way he might not be like that in a relationship at all like it just is kind of like applauding a fish for swimming and like it's great that you have a wonderful manager but don't throw away the relationship you have and if you can't stop obsessing over him and like thinking about him constantly and he already doesn't like work directly with you anymore and you don't see him regularly i think that like you need to mute him on all social media and unfollow potentially but or just mute if you don't want to cause anything

and then anytime he like pops into your brain do a different activity like have an activity that you go to every single time that like you think about him you're like great okay now i have to go do a push-up or like i'm gonna go do something like that i don't know if like therapy wise and psychologically wise that is a good thing but like go to a therapist but like me as not a therapist is saying like come up with some distraction every time he comes up and then also i think you need to kind of like intellectualize this and like break this down and analyze why this is happening because that might take away I think inevitably will when you find the reasoning behind these feelings that kind of can take away the power of those feelings and you're like oh this is why I'm

doing this it's not because like he's my soulmate and like I love him yeah I love how she ended with and I've got a boyfriend that I've had for the past four years that I'm definitely gonna get married to good storytelling that was a very good one very very good but I'm happy that you had a great manager rarely do we hear these kinds of calls about people you work with all right let's go to don't blame them oh so don't blame them if you're brand new here is where a caller calls in as they do with their own advice pertaining to a call we had on a previous episode so maybe they've been through something personally or they just have some insight that uh we didn't hi i was calling for don't blame them the episode where it's called international love bombing and

the caller who was having some trouble with her therapist and comparing herself to her daughter so something important to remember oh i should probably mention i'm coming at this from the perspective of a counseling student so i am in school learning about therapy and all the nuances of therapy. I do think that you should find a new therapist only because you've sort of already had such a damaged sense of self-worth because of this one. But I do anticipate you may start to have similar feelings with a future therapist. And if that is the case, if you feel like you need to know that they aren't perfect or someone in their lives isn't perfect, something that's important for therapists to learn is to stay away from too much self-disclosure. We try not to disclose our

problems onto our clients because it can just take the attention away from what the client is talking about. Some therapists are more comfortable with using more self-disclosure than others. It's sort of a stylistic preference. So when you're looking for a therapist, you can to ask them questions like you know how do you feel about self-disclosure I'm someone who personally really benefits from knowing if you went through something similar and then some people really don't like when their therapist uses self-disclosure so when looking for a new therapist it would be helpful just to bring up your preferences about things like that like you know it really helps me to hear the struggles you've gone through because it makes me feel like

you know i'm not alone something like that would be good to say to them but it's not uncommon to feel this way and i think i also really struggle comparing myself to others we've all been there you shouldn't feel bad about it don't beat yourself up you're a great person and no one is perfect even if they seem like it bye so sweet very much agree with all of that great advice well that is it for our episode we hope you all enjoy if you want to call and leave a voicemail for an upcoming one leave us one at 310-694-0976 and international listeners again you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com all the same things as at the beginning of the episode still apply for those calls same place to let us know that you have a don't blame them

as well yeah call us call us call us call us we've had some of the repeat ones obviously we're not showing those or like you're not hearing them we're getting a lot of calls in like a very very similar vein so if you have something that you're like oh this is so weird like this is something i've never talked about before we love that like throw it on there there's only so many ways we can tell you to break up with someone you know or like what to do if you how how to get your friends with benefits to kind of like you back but yeah don't be insecure about it give us a call we we love to hear from you all and follow us on instagram and if you're listening this far into the episode what should they comment the guy who broke up with his girlfriend after they

bought a house together but what do you think his name is give him like the most douchey name in the entire world and like leave that in the comments it can be first middle last just first name but maybe what he smells like you know any of that yeah and don't use chad's too too easy yeah no I want you to get creative with it. Could be puns. And anything you want to promote? Follow me on Instagram. Woo.

Follow me on my personal Instagram as well. We will see you all next time. Goodbye. Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me. Executive produced by Melissa DeMonts and Diamond and Print Productions. Edited by Coco Lawrence Post-production sound by Chris Henry

Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso