Don't Blame Me! - Insecure Bottom

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

After debating if they'd want to have sex with Jack Harlow, Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Trusting your boyfriend after you caught him texting another girl If your mother-in-law doesn't know you're married Approaching age-gap relationships with future kids Boyfriend not sure he wants to try anal sex again Don't Blame Them: Don't date your boss Sexological Body Work: https://www.insider.com/sex-love-goop-sexological-bodywork-illegal-except-in-california-2021-10 Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Okay, come in hot. I just want to make sure that I don't sound exactly like I sounded or will sound on Thursday when I intro our other podcast. Yeah, but for the other one, you sounded like the way you usually sound on this one. So I gotta mix it up so you're not confused. I'm keeping you on your toes. Welcome to Don't Blame Me. We are an advice podcast where we give life-changing, amazing, wonderful advice. My name is Megan and I'm joined by my co-host, the glitter glue, Melissa. So if you are new here, we give wonderful advice. We are both philosophers. That's a

call back to the last episode if you listened and uh we've decided to unburden ourselves and bestow our intelligence beauty grace and brains which is a thing is intelligence on to you and we are going to solve all of your problems we've already solved world hunger cure for cancer the patent is waiting and now we're ready to move on to your life and you said that last week there were people that commented some modern day philosophers besides ourselves of course who do we got we have taylor swift okay i think word wise definitely i think she's definitely a wordsmith she's got away with words very poetic i don't know if i would say philosopher i would say for me i would say country taylor was a philosopher i don't know if current taylor is one melissa is a love story

stan you're a big fan of country taylor um remind me to send you she has one country like very country song off of uh the last album sent it to me oh okay i listened to it i enjoyed it i actually i you sent it to me i didn't listen to it then but then i happened upon it one time it was just playing i was like oh this is good what is this and then i realized it was what you had sent me Mott's loves that one, too. Then we have one that I agree with wholeheartedly. Kylie Jenner. Because when Kylie Jenner said, this is the year of realizing, to realize things about realizing, that made me realize things.

It really just made me realize that I should realize things about realizing. Do you realize? Next. then we have maddie b the child rapper i'm gonna i i respect your decision yeah so who is that though he's a child what does he do is he white of course he's white he's a he's a child rapper on youtube named maddie b i didn't know if he was just this generation's little bow wow and little romeo whoa whoa no no no he thought like his parents definitely thought that like it was gonna be an usher justin bieber discovering situation and it was it was not i don't even

know if maddie b ever made it on ellen and that is where like mediocre children go ellen doesn't even make it on ellen these days anymore so true she has guests all the time i do dude we she doesn't want to do it she's just baiting it waiting it out till her contract is over with so what's new with you let's see i my i'm cramping very much right now because last night i didn't realize i forgot to take my birth control until hours after because i was up late working and then it was too late and i also didn't take my allergy medicine and it's 24 hour allergy medicine And so I have to wait to the, cause I don't want to get off track. So I'm just a mess right now.

Ooh, that's brutal. Yeah. Most bad. That is not a good combination. Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say, I was so excited because for two whole days, like I didn't bleed at all.

I was like, nice. As somebody who's been on consistent birth control and I'm not looking for anybody to give me advice about birth control or anything about my vagina and reproductive health. like no this is not an invitation i have been on it since august and just constantly spotting yeah and there was two days where nothing and like you know when you like check to see if you're spotting and you like you get up in there to be like am i gonna spot in 20 minutes i'm gonna spot an hour like you check i was good to go and i was like this is the greatest day of my entire life it was like and i was so shocked because it was like so heavy like i basically had a full

period cramps like the week before and i was like oh my gosh this is amazing and day before yesterday just started spotting again back to the consistent normal you had two days of freedom but i was too nervous to like do anything with those days of freedom so i was there was still wearing my fucking period underwear and still like you know i wasn't wearing a white dress and a thong like i was like i was being conservative and i missed my opportunity well you never know i'll deal it's but i've gotten so used to it i'm just like what the fuck ever it's fine we'll survive yeah right if this is your first time here at the show welcome take a seat kick back relax uh this is an advice podcast where you call in you leave us voicemails

and then we give you life-changing wonderful amazing advice and the kicker is as you can tell by the title you can't blame us because we give advice the way that uh we want to receive advice so if you let us know that you're very sensitive pisces we will take that in mind but um if you are wrong we have no problem telling you that like you done goofed you fucked up this is your bad but we also are willing and able to drop a hat to tell you to dump your boyfriend if he's being a piece of shit so if you want to call us and leave us a voicemail give us a ring a ding at 310-694-0976 and international listeners, you can send us an audio message

at megapodcasts at gmail.com. Got to keep it under three minutes. We ask that you write down everything that you're going to say, pull out your phone, time it out, see how long it takes you and practice.

Make sure you have all the information in there, ages, pronouns. It's anonymous, but all the pseudonyms of the people in there. Make sure that it has as much detail as possible so we can give you the best advice possible. And if you get mad that we didn't psychically know something

that you didn't say on the call, that's not our fault that's your fault if you don't include it in the call we can't give advice on that portion of it and we're not going to give you the benefit of the doubt either so with that segue more on that later truly we can only go based off of what we have so again write it down practice it make sure that you're not missing any information and then when you leave the voicemail or record the voicemail read it so you're not trying to think of things off the top of your head because that's how you will forget stuff and that's how you get upset and angry when we give you advice that is pertaining to exactly what you said because we didn't predict

what you didn't say we have an episode coming up with a guest and we don't do a lot of guests since the pandemic but this was someone that we we could not say no to like this is yes something we really want and we want to solicit specific calls because it's something that we get calls one here occasionally but we don't really answer them because neither of us have experience with this so if you have any questions or you need advice regarding open relationships and polyamorous relationships non-monogamy as a whole yes please send us a voicemail or a voice memo for an upcoming episode and know that it will be the guest is somebody who can speak on that and we'll be able to help in a way that like we can't so this is your opportunity and this is your

chance and if you don't submit and you have something to submit when you see the guest on this podcast you're going to be very disappointed that you didn't also uh preface when you call in um or leave the voicemail just say this is for the non-monogamous episode perfect so we don't have an update today unless they decide to show up but if you're hearing this that means they didn't decide to show up so we don't have an update today but that's okay because i have a really important question to ask melissa okay and i wrote this down to talk about with you and you can obviously i want you to think about it but i want your initial reaction like your initial answer and then you can think about if you want to change your answer that's really hard

for me because i'm a thinker so i will try as hard as possible okay would you have sex with jack harlow no why not he just gives me weird vibes it's just something about him like i don't understand I I've only seen him in snippets of what other people have posted of how like flirtatious he is with other people I don't I couldn't name one song I couldn't sing one song by him I don't know if he's a singer or rapper like I don't know what he does but I just don't trust people that flirt in the way that he does with everyone so I I understand I would like to have sex with his personality like without a doubt because that kind of like flirting like i can bag anyone like haha like like the bite the lip like like that like here's the thing

do i want to marry that no but like would i enjoy taking that for a ride yes but then i watched one of his music videos and i think what is his what kind of music does he make he raps and he like Does like a sing-y part of rapping too. Okay. He makes good music though. Like I enjoy his music, but I will say, I think I have found out that I,

and this tracks for me, like, and I've then started testing this theory. I don't like rappers. I don't like rappers for the sole reason that it gives me the biggest ick watching them lip sync through their songs in their music videos. I don't know what it is.

and it's might be every musician out there like i'm now recognizing like the justin bieber music video i mean i don't i don't want to have sex justin bieber no offense no offense justin bieber is if he cares thank you the same but sorry i don't think that i am attracted to musicians because i cringe watching them like lip sync their songs and like dance around and like do whatever and like i think that's why i never thought harry styles was hot until i got on uh tiktok and people just like make these edits of like him flirting and winking and I was like oh and see I don't like it I don't like it we we we've only there's like two people that we agree upon yeah we have opposite tastes for everyone else but I've discovered that but that I love that cockiness

confidence thing so that's why I like athletes who are hot but I do find a lot of athletes are like not super cute but people just like them because they're athletes and I was testing this theory and i was watching all of like the glamour like relationship quizzes or whatever and i've realized every guy that i'm like i would date him i like him athlete every guy that i was like this is like this is too like like love of my life instagram caption like really in their feelings like pisces man musical artist i like the it's like the emotionally unavailable like none of that vibe and that's like i was watching these clips of jack carlo flirting and i was like for sure then i watched a video a music video of him and he the pointing and the squatting

the lip singing and i was like no hard fast but i can also just picture like i know that they are playing that just from speakers and i know that like they like pause the music and like he's still singing along and then like he's singing and the music has stopped and they're like back to one and he's like oh okay and he's turning over again and like it just gives me the ick okay but now i know neither of us are gonna have sex with jack harlow we could we're not we could i think you're i think you would be i don't think i would you're true that's true i think i know i am not his type i think he would have sex with you not me that's yeah that's that's why it's hard if we ever compete not that we're going to but like competing for it would be simultaneously easy and hard

because they'd be like if you're into what like we're so polar opposite like type wise that like maybe they'd sleep with both of us but like it would be a snap decision that i'm like oh that's all you this is all the only person that we've ever actually wanted to fight over then we saw more of their personality and then we were over it so yeah and we're very happy for him it seems like he has found his perfect person and turns out neither of that is us let's get into the calls hello megan and melissa i am a 26 year old female she her and i've been dating a 30 year old male he him for about five years not about five years five years i'm a little tipsy and i did not write this down, so I'm not getting a gold star. Just leave that explanation. Anyway, I basically

need advice about an issue that I've been having with my partner. We're going to call him Bill. So Bill basically has broken trust with me by communicating with a girl via text behind my back. I caught him communicating with her and basically it was just kind of like a hello gorgeous kind of thing like hi gorgeous how are you doing and I basically you know lost my mind and

forgave him and got back with him anyway anyway I kind of explained to him that in order for me to rebuild trust I needed him to overly communicate with me for a while because it would make me feel comfortable tonight he's out with his friends

and she hasn't communicated with me the entire time he's been out. I am mad. I am frustrated. I'm trying not to just angry text him, but I'm just disappointed because I thought that after breaking my trust in him, he would go that extra mile to make me feel more assured. But I guess what I need advice on is should I just give up at this point? am i barking up the wrong tree i mean it's five years in so should i even be asking myself this

any advice you can give me would be helpful i hope this is not just a jumbled mess of nonsense and i love you guys bye this sucks my automatic thing and like my kind of rule with this is if you are asking yourself if you should be done with something you're done like it's already there as a thought like in your head and this wasn't like this is your response to then him you setting the boundary and then him and like what the expectation and then him not meeting it then that wasn't your initial response when you saw the text message it wasn't like I'm just gonna be done like I'm just gonna be done like should I just be done with this like you chose to forgive him and do all of this and like now this is kind of where you're at I think this is hard because

like you know we like when people have a lot of information write it down so like we don't know what his response was to that like if he was apologetic if he heard you if he was the one who suggested communicating more if like where his stance on this is and like how he's been since then because right now all we know is what you've done and like what you felt about how you've what you've said so I mean I think that first of all texting just like a girl like a random girl like a girl you know hello gorgeous like that sounds like the letter like the opening to like a like a pretty little thing discount email like hello gorgeous 15% off like it's just like cringy and I'm not like saying that it's not bad like it is bad it's just like I'm kind of looking at him like

ew like cringy gross like weird isn't that what I think Victoria's Secret that's how they literally yeah hello gorgeous just like ew icky but yeah i think that like if that was something that like he broke your trust by doing that it seems like there's probably like a pattern here of this kind of stuff and like the not being overly communicative when he's out is because you think he's doing something nefarious and like it sounds like right now what you feel like you have to do is kind of like stay on his ass and like track him and like handhold him on how to be like a good partner and do all of that shit and like kind of mommy him into it and you don't have to do that like nor should you no and like he should be the one like after he like he broke your trust he should be the

one fixing it and like working that shit back like you shouldn't have to keep tabs on him to make sure he's following through with what he said yeah first of all like why did he send this again you like Megan said you only gave us your side why did he send this message what did he say after what did he do after are there other messages because this doesn't seem like this is something that's just a one-off what was the conversation what fall after the message happened also you said that you forgive him but you don't trust him so what i don't think you completely forgive him also like if he said he's going out with his friends and he's not texting you while he's being out me as someone who is like if i was in a relationship and someone was like text me while

you're out i find that highly annoying like if i'm out with my friends i should be able to enjoy my friends, but he has broken your trust. Like, do you want to be in a relationship where he's out where you feel like he should be texting you while he's out? Like that's the kind of relationship that you feel like you should be in. You feel like you should have to keep tabs on him. That just doesn't seem like you guys either need to have like a full conversation about where you are in your relationship and what the expectations are, or don't be together because it's not healthy for you to for him to it's not healthy for you to be questioning his every move I'm not saying like that in as a negative way towards you I'm just saying like how can you be in a relationship where

you have to constantly second guess where the other person is all the time and I'm not saying that he's out doing anything but like they can't just like freely be out because you're at home or wherever you are questioning their every move it just that's just not a good relationship so you guys either need to have a conversation about this maybe go to therapy or in the relationship yeah i agree like it just doesn't seem like this is not a hard thing for him to do and like to communicate well like he's out after like what has happened and you having to keep tabs on someone to do something to earn your trust back that they're not trying to earn your trust back they want to do the least possible yeah and also just because he's communicating with you while he's out doesn't

mean he's not out doing untrustworthy things exactly like if he's not being proactive about the things that he can do to earn your trust back and he's just like waiting for you to say what you want him to do like that is not somebody who i think is trustworthy or is trying like he could be out with another girl and texting you so what does it like that doesn't it you don't trust him so you just you have to either figure out a way to trust him or not be in this relationship yeah and trust is like i think a lot of people think that like trust is kind of a blind thing but it's not like trust is an earned thing and when you lose that trust you have to earn it back you don't earn it back by going back into those same situations or like trying to gain trust again by

just those blind events like you gain that back by going to therapy you gain that back by like changing uh how you communicate you go and all of that has to come from him like you have your needs but like the proactiveness needs to come from his end because that actually proves that there's been change there otherwise yeah he's just going to be out and texting you while hanging out with other girls because he's he's not trying to change he's just doing whatever he want whatever you say that you want him to do to like keep up appearances but i'm say out i think that you know that too um should we get into the next call yeah hi megan and melissa hope you're having a great day i need some advice so i'm 22 years old pronouns she her my wife is 24 years old also

pronouns she her we've been together for about four years and we've been married for about six months everything with us is amazing i love her so much she's great the only issue that i'm facing thing is that my mother-in-law still doesn't know that we got married. My wife didn't feel comfortable telling her about it because in the past she's had some issues with her family not being understanding or accepting of her sexuality and I can appreciate that you know I've also had some problems like that with my family in the past but over the last few years my parents have gotten better about being understanding about those things and so it was easier for me to talk them about this her mom does know I believe that we're together like she doesn't just think that

we're friends that live together but in a way that's kind of unspoken my issue is basically that I want to feel like I'm part of the family and I can't be when they don't know that I married into the family her mom lives in a different country than us as well so we don't really see her very often but she's going to be coming over for a bit and we're going to be you know spending time with her and doing things with her together and then my wife and my mother-in-law are going to be taking a little trip together which I wasn't invited on and I can totally appreciate if the two of them just wanted some time the two of them but it would have felt nice to be invited and I feel like if she knew that we were married I would have been. I really just want to be part

of this family and I'm not allowed to be my wife tries to keep me in the loop as much as she can about everything that's going on with her family which I do appreciate but it's like no one else in the family is including me and I want that I want the opportunity so am I being unreasonable should there be like a time frame here where at some point my wife will have to tell her family Like, I don't know how reasonable I'm being. I don't know what I should be asking for. Okay, any advice and opinions that you have are so much appreciated. Also, since I have a little bit of time left, I am a Virgo and my wife is a Taurus.

Okay, thank you so much. Bye. Love the accent. Love it. This is hard. My initial reaction is, why do you want to be in this family? Because it doesn't... I'm just kind of confused about the relationship your wife has with her family

because it seems like there is one but like you're just not a part of it but in a sense for like the reasoning behind it is the implication is that her family's homophobic but she knows that you're dating you're just not married i would feel the exact same way about this like i think that like your desire to be a part of the family and be included makes me feel like the fit like your wife is involved with her family like a good amount that you feel like there's something to be left out of and that doesn't make sense to me for the reasoning why you are not being included is it kind of seems like a pseudo protecting you and her from them because they're homophobic but they know that you're dating and she still has a relationship with them and like

like yeah the I would feel the exact same way and like I don't think it's fair or valid at all for people to be like ask them to cut their like family off like that has to be a choice that person whose family it is like has to make but yeah I would ask for more clarity like because I would just be like I'm just a little confused because like I obviously like love you and I really care about you and it really hurts to know that like your family doesn't know that like we're married and I just feel like an outsider of this and like I just like can I have some more insight as to like what the reasoning behind this is because it's really hard for me to understand that the reasoning behind it is that they're like homophobic but like they know that we're together

and like if we're gonna be together and we're married for the long term like I don't want you to cut off your parents but like I need to work on my relationship with them too because like we're both going to be around forever and so how is this going to work because there's just there is no relationship there right now and like keeping that separate that is not healthy for too long like lifelong relationships you're having with both parties yeah i feel like this is actually a conversation y'all should have had before legalities were brought into the relationship because this is clearly for your wife that this is not something that was a problem for them.

Like they went into the marriage with the idea like we're going to be married in secret and you agreed to it. So now you're here where you are and now you feel like you're being left out of the family. You could give them the ultimatum like you tell your parents or your family or I'm out, But also you already agreed to this, like you signed the contract that this was what the relationship was going to be. I don't know if time is going to make it any better, because if they're homophobic, you've been married, you've been together and they know you're together. What does telling like what does it matter if you tell them that you're married?

so i think this is mainly like a issue that your wife has like what is it with your wife that does she feel like she's going to be disowned because you know and also we're speaking as two straight people so i do want to preface that so but like what's it going to change like what's it going to change as in your relationship yeah because that makes me worried about her if she's trying to protect protect you from them being incredibly homophobic like I can't imagine how draining that is for her to be in that situation while they're being homophobic to her and she's maintaining that relationship with them and like yes is she gonna be financially cut off or is she in the process of making sure that she is both of you are financially independent so they don't you

don't rely on them for anything and is she in the process of distancing herself from them and this is like just taking a while which is very valid and fair but like yeah I think it's just like her wanting to protect you from them is like I think a very noble and kind thing but unless someone's protecting her from them where does this end at what point because like yeah I think that she's saying she's saying that she's trying to protect you but she's actually trying to protect herself and her relationship with them. So what are the steps that, I mean, you're in this now. So I think having a clear conversation about what are the steps that you're taking for us to be seen as a unit and a family in your family's eyes, what are you, what are you doing?

Yeah. What's our plan? Because if there's not a plan, then this is just how it's going to be. and you just have to accept that it's going to be indefinite and i think that like i think that would be ridiculously insensitive for her to ask of you just to do this forever and i do agree that this should have been a conversation before you got married but divorce exists for a reason and separate like it does but like i think that like there's no ultimatum to give her because you also understand that but your family has come around and i think that's probably a lot to do with like i don't want to like not give your family credit for changing their mindset and their worldview but like when families learn from their homophobia yes good on them but like also good on like the

queer and gay and lgbtqia plus people in their lives who like helped that happen and who like whether that's like their actual kid or whether that's the people who wrote the books the people who like wrote these articles to help them do that and I'm assuming that's how your parents have you've had me had a better relationship with them now and they've understood that more there was work that was put in and if you're also not being privy to the work that's being put in while you're not there all of it is in everybody else's hands and like she can want to protect you from it and she can say that she wants to do all herself and she doesn't want to have you caught in the crossfire but like you are married like you are like if you are willing and able to be like no

i'm okay if they say some things that like hurt but i want to be able to be there to like course correct and like help them the same way that you are doing this and like if that's the choice like you just need to be able to have a voice and be involved and choose that like right now it feels like she's sheltering you from something that you're not even 100 sure what that is and then it just kind of feels like forever which isn't fair but yeah i think that like i understand her wanting to like go on that like vacation with just her mom like i would get that i think that's valid and fair but i think like all of the shit that's piled up and like the context to the situation yeah makes that feel like that's really hard i don't think it's a time frame i think it's

actionable steps what is happening explain this to me and like listen to what she has to say before you suggest solutions because i think if you can see that if she has been working towards something what you can do to like contribute and tweak that or if she hasn't at all what do you want to do moving forward because your needs and wants are important and valid too yeah and i'm just gonna say it you are both very young yeah very very very very young and these are heavy hard things to do which is why i don't suggest getting married till you're at least 25 or later than that just because it's a lot yeah all right time for a break okay we're gonna take a quick break, and I'll be right back.

And we're back! Sorry, I was yawning. That was a nice little dance move that you did. Thank you. I as a white person I'm very good at the sitting down dancing it's because you can't tell that my body is flat as a board and my ass doesn't it's my lower half that does fuck me up so you still you have rhythm though so that counts oh I do but you also took tat dance for a long time I did if I like came out of that with no rhythm I would have been screwed yeah Mott's has none oh I know

I've seen it's so funny I love it all right hi Megan and Melissa this might be a bit of an odd call since it's not about something currently happening in my life but I feel like Megan will have good advice and strong opinions on this with Taylor's recent re-recording of her album Red and all this talk of age gap relationships and the power dynamic involved it got me thinking what if my future kid was involved in an age gap relationship and I obviously knew it wasn't healthy. Because I think if a parent tells their kid not to date someone, it just turns them into the kid being spiteful and dating that person anyways. Also, how would you as a potential parent approach the situation if your kid was the Taylor Swift versus the Jake Gyllenhaal in the

relationship? I know none of us are parents, but I'm interested to hear your guys's perspective and advice on this. Thanks so much. I love the podcast. I think about this a lot. First of all, I want to say that I think there are many different ways that you can go about this. there's a wonderful modern family episode that like gets to my heart every fucking time where hayley is dating an older guy and uh claire's thing is like we can't pay it any attention like that'll just make her want to do it more i know about pissing my dad off and it has this wonderful heartfelt moment of phil in an elevator delivering this monologue that makes me cry every time it's so good you can look up phil dumpy elevator and you should find it i um

i feel like every episode now because this is becoming a recurring thing that we bring up modern families so should we do a modern family podcast i would love to i would love that love to is the world ready for our rico opinions i don't know but here's the thing i just want to say that anybody who's in an age gap relationship who is the younger person in that i mean this in the nicest way possible uh sounds mean but just like listen to what i'm saying this is not a personal attack on you for anyone who is the younger person in a big age gap relationship my issues are never with you at all at all at all at all and you are not at fault you are not responsible for defending your relationship at all so please just know that and just like listen but i think a lot of the time

and my friends who are in larger age gap relationships they know why like they know what it is that led them to seek out or be someone who older men specifically older men were interested in and it's not because they don't like guys their own age and it's all they like prefer guys who are like older and mature it's usually people who uh were having to provide for their families at a very young age and needed security it's sometimes people who did not have a good relationship with adults in their personal life like the biggest thing that you can do to kind of prevent that from happening a and this is again not to say that everybody who's a part of these things has an unhealthy relationship with their parents but having a good relationship with

your parents and like older people in your life and seeing them not as peers but as people that Like you respect and people who respect you and care about you. That's really important. Making sure to the best of your ability that they are not like, I think about when I'm complimenting my kids in the future, I'm not going to tell my kids that they're mature as a compliment because that is a compliment that that's something that older men say to girls to make them feel special and make them feel like that. And I never want something that I have said that has been a praise to my kid to be then

considered a praise when a romantic suitor says that to them like i want there to be a clear distinction of that and like what you value like what what you value you bring to the table is like being your age is great and all of that and then i think the number one thing is talking about it and like talking about like if an older man is interested in you that means he doesn't have anyone his age who's interested in him like if you're like that's just what it goes like i've asked this on my Instagram before, and that's the people who said that they never had any interest in older guys. I never had interest in guys who are exponentially older than me. Because without getting into detail, I saw this relationship in front of me and was like,

I don't want that at all. Even though one party was telling me, you don't want this, but like you want the concept of this as a whole, the concept of this is great. And I was like, i don't trust a fucking word you say in general and like this gives me the ick i don't like that but that like kids who people on my instagram when i asked this they said the biggest thing that made them have no interest was like their their mom specifically and their dads like really early on told them like older men shouldn't be interested in you like that is like that means that someone their own age is not wanting to date them and like that's gross like you're like you're allowed to date boys your own age like that's great blah blah blah but like pointing out when you see large

age gaps like on television and like making sure it's not your children know that like that shouldn't be romanticized because that's the issue is it's just normalized and romanticized everywhere absolutely everywhere and then people who want to defend these age gap relationships act like here's the thing you know you're an exception to the rule that your relationship is absolutely great there is no power dynamics there both of you came from like really stable upbringings and there is no like unresolved trauma there is no there's nothing that led you here besides pure love but you are telling me that you're trying to de-stigmatize that but you know you're the exception to the rule why do you want other girls to get into these relationships when

you know that's not how 99.999 of them go like it's not and like there's always going to be exceptions to the rule but when you try and normalize something that is already so fucking normalized and has so many like problematic instances and occurrences that just like convinces people that they should hop into something that you like full well know is not successful or healthy most of the time yeah yeah for you it was like seeing firsthand and for me it was my parents leading by example like my parents are only a year apart and then they would like openly see like other older boys maybe flirting with me and like shoot it down and they would explain to me i think if you're explaining why these things are wrong because of the power

dynamic it also like it gives you that example that that's not something that you want but also on top of that which looking back a little traumatizing but my grandmother absolutely would always like this is the thing with you know people a lot of times people romanticize their grandparents having oh god uh age gap relationships my grandparents they're they were the same age but my grandmother thought and rightfully so that all men were trash and she like instilled that into me as a child where like you don't trust men like this is not like you have to have your own things you don't need a man to protect you or which is a lot how a lot of people feel in these type of is it somebody that's there to like take care of me and protect me but she

was always like you need to have something that's always your own that's where i got my saying dick comes down a dozen from her yeah so i just think like you just have to be the example and tell the truth like don't try to sugarcoat anything i don't i i don't believe that like you should talk to children as if they're people and not down to you. And when you talk to them as people, then they respect you more. And so if you talk to them, you know, of course, in an age-appropriate way, explain how you see the world and how you view them and why you have those views without demanding them and feeling like you need to be the parent that is parenting them. Instead, you're being someone that's educating them, then I think that they will listen and be more

of a sponge as opposed to someone that's trying to defy you. Yeah. Cause the rebellious nature also comes into play when you're not allowed to do something. And I think that like a lot of this also happened. We see with like large age gap relationships back in the day was because you lived at home and you weren't moving out of your house until you got married. And so who you're getting married to is going to be an older guy. And that's going to be your first dating experience, your first everything so like let your kids date let your kids date let your kids like with date people their own age like let them have safe sex like have that conversation with them like have those things like obviously your own parenting and your own boundaries but when you make something

for oh no date all of the stuff that you want to do that's for adults when then when they date an adult that means it's for them and they're going to seek that out right and it's not like you do this or else it's you do this because or you should do this because yeah and I think that like it's one thing that I and this is not an attack at all and this happens like this is not like an everything but a lot of my friends who didn't end up with guys who are older but like you know had phases where they're dating older guys it was my friends who didn't date a lot in high school they didn't have a lot of conversations even if it's not in the practicality of like oh you're dating someone your age let's talk about dating and sex let's talk about all of this it was parents

that were kind of just like oh well you're not dating so we're not going to talk about it but like it'll be good like everything will be fine and when you don't have something to compare it to and you don't if i personally find most people i know who have gotten attention from specifically heterosexual relationships who've gotten attention from boys their age then when older men were like into them it was kind of like ew gross yeah but when they can single out people who haven't necessarily had that and make them feel really special they you don't have something to compare it to and i think parents can kind of think they're off the hook when their kid doesn't date in high school or their kid doesn't have any of that that they're like oh i don't have to worry

about any of this stuff but like no you still have to instill like and model what a healthy relationship looks like and point out when you see those things that aren't healthy and explain these things and like talk in hypotheticals about this stuff so like your kid is like well armed to like and equipped to like go into the world and understand these things just because they haven't had practice or like you don't have to learn everything by participating in it and i think that like that's something that i really hope that people teach their sons as well that like that's something that like we need to teach everybody that like relationships with other people is not figure it out as you go along like that's not it like we can spend the time educating

and understanding interpersonal relationships and talking about them and hypotheticals so you don't kind of just have to be a bomb going off and like disrupting people's lives and their relationships because you don't know how to date or how to be in a relationship and so i think is when you let your kids do those things and have agency and ask questions and understand those things they're less likely to trust a random adult telling them what the status quo is when their parent who they love and really trust has had those conversations with them prior yeah yeah and i i wanted to touch on what you said about the telling your kids they're mature I remember when I was in 10th grade I overheard my mom and her friend talking and my mom's friend was like Melissa probably has a

boyfriend in college because she's so mature and my mom shut it down real quick she was like what does a college student need with a 10th grader yeah Melissa's smarter than that so yeah it's just it's the same I think of it in like obviously a much less like intense way but in the same reason that like parents teaching proper anatomy to describe uh genitalia because that helps children who have been in situations where might have been some non-consensual or any sort of touching or inappropriate behavior going on they have the words and the explanation to tell you that i think of that in the same way with like the word mature having the correct terminology there just makes your kid able to communicate with you better

and then hears those words later down the road and has connotations to them. Yeah. So that's it. And then maybe it's just mandatory viewing of the All Too Well music video for children in school. And you're like, this is not fun. All right, next call.

Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm calling for advice about my relationship. I'm 18 years old and I go by he, him, and my boyfriend is 21 years old, who also goes by he, him. We have known each other for about five months, and we became official about three months ago, and things could not have been going better. I'm the type of person to be very cautious when it comes to a relationship and try to take it very slow,

but this one feels different. I can tell that we just work so well together and have an amazing connection. I truly think he is the love of my life, but I will bite my tongue on that because it's only been three months, and I am only 18. With that being said, we still have not had penetrative sex. We have done nearly everything but. At first, I was asking him many times over and over when things got hot and heavy to engage in anal, but always respected when he would say no.

Because he has a bottom, he would use the excuse that his stomach was bothering him and he didn't feel sexy, which is completely valid. Come multiple times of us planning to have sex and him bailing last minute, I thought a conversation was necessary. Around our two-month anniversary, I brought it up and assured him that I never want to pressure him into doing something he doesn't want to and I do not want to make him feel guilty but I needed answers as to why we haven't gone all the way yet. It was then that he told me he felt really insecure when it came to bottoming and wanted to start working on that for us and for

our relationship but he felt he couldn't because of his stomach issues. A few days after our three month anniversary he was put on medication to treat IBS and had told me that it had been working so well and he was very excited to have sex when he came back home from school that following weekend aka last weekend the day he got home we tried anal foreplay and he stopped me we finished up sexy time without anal and he wanted to have a conversation he told me that he doesn't know or he knows he's definitely not a top but he doesn't know if he's a bottom either he looked it up and found out that he might be something called a side which is somebody who doesn't like giving or receiving anal in any form but he doesn't know if this is because he had stomach

issues his whole life and he's never been interested in bottoming or because he actually doesn't like it. After telling me this, he asked me a very heavy question. He said, I will still actively try to figure out my meds and attempt anal, but if I can't provide that for you, is that a deal breaker in our relationship? I had never thought about that. My whole vision of sexual pleasure is deeply focused on penetrative sex. I had to think about it and he started tearing up. And in that moment, I realized that I couldn't lose what we had over something as simple as sex i need advice because i'm not sure if i'm making the right decision i don't know if i could do that for the rest of my life if this goes as i wanted to i want things to work out as

well as possible but that means most likely giving up penetrative sex love you guys thank you for everything you do please help wow you get a diamond that was very well thought out and wonderful i also love your voice yeah i would love that in an audiobook as someone with IBS like I really understand that and I think that like obviously again we are two people without penises without I've never had anal and I without a doubt like if you didn't tell me that there is like a term for someone who like doesn't like giving or receiving anal like like the like anxiety that comes from like being someone who's like whatever medical kind of thing that is like i have like period trauma like i have like that and like also like

the same thing when it comes to like you know ibs and that stuff like that becomes like a deeply ingrained like shameful kind of thing that the anxiety from it i could completely understand if that's something that your body tenses up like it just it when you're anxious and you don't feel and it has nothing to do with like you collar like and like feeling safe and secure it's like you don't trust your body and that is like a very anxious feeling and even when you're starting to take something or do something that's like it's starting to get better you're kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop and your body isn't like oh we're we're clear now we're this is chill this is awesome like this is perfect like it still has that kind of tenseness and that anxiety there

and then you have the mental aspect of that anxiety and that nerves and all of that that i think that that's there but I think the biggest thing like the most important thing is like I think that regardless of like the reasoning behind it he said that he wants to keep trying and like working on that and he might decide that he doesn't want to keep trying and working on that like he might be like maybe I'll try in a couple years to do that again but like he might get fatigued of that and kind of reach his like exhaustion point of that and that doesn't mean that it's never going to change. It could for a while. This sounds great, like on paper and the relationship and like, I can hear your happiness, like you're beaming talking about how you feel

about him. But I think that you're not committing your life to him. And I think that like, if you are right now are not willing to lose what you have for the potential that a couple years down the road, it might be a deal breaker for you. I think you just need to communicate that you can say, you know what, right now it's not a deal breaker for me. I can't promise you that it's not going to be a deal breaker for me in five years. I really want to make this work. And right now at this moment, this is something I can do, but I need to make sure that you know that because in five years, let's say it's not working. It's, it's just something that we've tabled for five years. And I realized that this is a deal breaker. That needs to be a conversation that you have now.

But I don't think that you need to make decisions necessarily when you're 18 and three months in yeah to predict how you're going to feel in x amount of years. Like I think you can operate on how you feel in the moment. You just have to let the other person know that that's what you're doing. And you can't guarantee that. And he might be like, you know what, if you can't prompt like if that can't be a guarantee which to be fair you can't really guarantee that with deal breakers in general then he can he doesn't need to co-sign that like he can be like you know what that's not gonna work for me but you know yeah and i i think that's great advice i think that's great advice for the caller and then i kind of have advice more for the boyfriend maybe they can try

and this is just like them by themselves since they don't know and they're still trying to figure out their body to try when they're masturbating to incorporate finger play in their own masturbation and get kind of used to their body and trusting their body. So like using fingers and then, you know, eventually moving up to toys and then eventually like once they're comfortable with themselves, then having you come in and then try like before you try like full penetrative sex, try those same things and then you know just slowly working up that trust and seeing how the medicine's doing because medicine might be great right now and not be great in the future so just trying things and figuring out things because your body changes all the time and figuring out what

you like don't like what you're comfortable with is going to continue to change but you you need to know your body first before you introduce someone else into the equation yeah i agree and i think it's about figuring out and he can either verbalize it to you or he can work on it and figure out himself what the specific issues are because like physically if it's like discomfort and it's something that he wants to work past i mean like going to a doctor checking to see if you've hemorrhoids checking to see if you've like torn like do you what i mean like ibs can wreck havoc on your body so like doing that or if it's a mental thing and it's whatever his IBS has done for him that he's afraid of you know it being messy or whatever that is kind of if he hasn't

unpacked that aspect of it and like pinpointing where it comes to his own anxieties and like the fears that he has versus like medical stuff because like you can go to a doctor get medication for ivs and all that stuff but like you can like again you can like wreak havoc on your body and like that i'm not sure i don't know if they do it for people with penises hold on what are you looking for pelvic floor physical therapy oh there's anal physical therapy yeah so but i know that they'll do that they'll do like some butt stuff in that for people's vaginas too but i think that like that is something that like could also be there for helpful for that it's very okay when you have like a any sort of chronic health issues to be like my plate is full I don't want to do

this like I thought I've had to deal with this so much and this is one additional thing that this is like affected in my life and like I just don't want to deal with this right now or potentially ever and that's also okay but if it is something that he wants to like work on not just for you But like for him personally, I think, yeah, talking to different doctors who do different things to like check medically to see if there is anything there. And I would hope that I don't know what city you're in, but if you're in a city where like disclosing your sexual like partners to like your doctor is something that doesn't feel like safe or something. I'm sure that there are places you could look online for doctors that treat people in non-heterosexual relationships that is like much safer in that way, because that's a really that's part of the reason why a lot of times people similarly to why women don't get diagnosed with endometriosis, people in same sex relationships don't necessarily get the greatest health care because sometimes doctors aren't safe. Yeah, there's also I think they're called sexophysical therapists. I saw an article on Goop. I mean, it wasn't on Goop, but they did an episode. I saw an article about this thing that they did on Goop's thing, but it was very interesting where like in California, it's legal for these type of therapists to like touch you and help people through sexual trauma.

And then during the pandemic, they had to like because things weren't in person, they could go online and do and do it virtual. And because it was virtual, they're not touching people. So then they can talk to a lot of other people. I'll put a link in the show notes about what they actually do and it might be something to look into too because they help you get acquainted with your body well we hope that helped obviously we can't share the personal aspects of this but wishing you the best and also friends can also be the loves of your life like you can love someone so much like that and like you can also just be like wonderful amazing friends if the sexual compatibility doesn't work currently so you don't have to say goodbye to them in your life fully if it doesn't work out yeah but hoping for

the best and you sound so happy and that makes me happy yeah me too so all right time for don't blame them there we go it is time for don't blame them if you watch the patreon video you saw my face being like trying to read melissa's mind being like i don't know what number we're on so now it's time for don't blame them this is where one of you our listeners calls in with your own advice pertaining to a previous call on a previous episode, maybe a personal experience, or there's something that we missed, or you just love the sound of your own voice and want to let us know. So take it away. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I was just calling for a don't blame them about the girl who's obsessed with her boss. So this is also just a general piece for anyone that loves

their boss. Don't do it. This is yourself coming from the future in two years. Do not do it. Do not date that man listen to me and melissa so i secretly dated my boss who was 13 years older than me for two years so i was like 18 when we started dating yeah don't do it to this girl i know you see people around you don't know like your boyfriend doesn't know you have a crush on him um no he does like and if he doesn't he will very soon when you obsessively talk about someone even if you're just talking about work people aren't stupid and they're gonna pick up on it that's what happened like six months before i even started dating my boss i obsessively talked about him it was just like in a work way but my mom was like i think you like infatuated this man

you have a crush i was like no no i do not i think he's just like we just you just like oh this person's like a really nice guy like i just want to show him off but trust me do not do it like it is not worth dating this older man it is just like camp goggles but for work because you're like going through the same shit especially in a restaurant and hospitality it's shit and it's just like the age doesn't feel different when you're going through that all together and it's just yeah don't do it if he likes you back also red flag run look at someone 11 years younger than you would you date them i would hope not like but it sounds like you've already distanced yourself from him because he's now promoted so if he does when he does come into the store just

you can give a quick smile hi but try to not talk to him i think that's going to be your best bet obviously like you if you have any issues go to an in-store boss because it sounds like you don't really need to go to your general manager if he's managing all the stores like you can go to a regular manager at your store someone else so just try not to talk to him as much listen to megan and melissa if you need therapy i mean we probably all need therapy but yeah go to therapy yeah and if anyone needs validation if you need validation for work we'll talk about all the shitty things about restaurants or like customers i will validate you get megan and melissa to give you my instagram and i will tell you how proud i am of your work or you can just talk shit with me

we can do that it'll be fun just live your best life anyone listening young yeah we're too young to be focusing on these older men you want to live your hot girl summer have your movie montage moment you know and movies when they show all their friends living like having fun in the summer like get stories have your best life obviously be safe because covid but yeah love you all please please please do not date your boss thank you a plus she said it all a plus plus plus plus plus there's nobody more passionate about anti-age gap relationships than people who have been in them and recovered from all of it so hell yes thank you so much saying it better than we ever could so that is it for our episode we hope you all enjoy if you want to sign up for our patreon

we have two different tiers one dollar a month you can watch the video versions of the podcast it's great it's fun and then five dollars a month you can come and join our live stream twice a month we have a great fun time a wonderful way to make friends during the pandemic and it's a great way to help support our show if you want to leave the review on the podcast app go for it and if you want to call in for an upcoming episode leave us a voice phone at 310-694-0976 and international listeners send us a voice note at meganpodcast.gmail.com follow our instagram for our individual ones for people that are using leaving voice memos can you please before you save it change it to mp3 thank you got it melissa has a migraine so everybody go send her well wishes on

instagram even though this will be uh over a week since this has happened hopefully it'll it'll be done hopefully it'll be done by then but that's why i'm taking fast on the outro so she can go to sleep and uh that's it we will see you all next time tune into our other podcast but am i wrong on thursday goodbye bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso