Don't Blame Me! - Marriage Lacks Intimacy

Episode Date: April 4, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Finding a Only Fans statement Getting over someone that love bombed you Spending time with your partner Talking about sex with your friends Don't Blame Them: Not dating in college Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

welcome to don't blame me if you are watching on patreon you can see my wonderful butthole lips can you do butthole lips nothing's getting through there okay i'm uncomfortable now buttholes goat went like this they probably do when you're taking a shit i was just like i was gonna make a comment about what you're eating but then do that okay sorry ibs humor everybody um yeah so we give wonderful advice we give the advice that we like to see in the world tough love but you know coming from a place of compassion we obviously want to help our listeners and if you let us know that you are sensitive and you are pisces we will go easy on you as best as we can but we're the people you turn to for advice it's anonymous

and that you know the friends that aren't going to just tell you exactly what you want to hear so we read a review sure yeah we've actually got quite a few that came in oh porn no it's good reviews i'm sorry i just need you to know that someone has one where the title of the review is called macklemore yes that's the one i was gonna read okay so macklemore and that's the title this is not from Macklemore and I when I read it I was like googled Macklemore so maybe it has a different meaning to it I don't know I was like did we talk about Macklemore I mean I talk about Macklemore a lot I always reference his Macklemore as being Mott's favorite musical artist and he gets so mad at me because like he hates I just think it's so funny okay found this podcast in

the middle of the pandemic I'm obsessed I love listening to the old episodes and the new at At one point, I'd listen daily as I walked the dog. It's so refreshing listening to people call out unethical behavior, even if it means they might lose fans. But they totally validate callers if they're in a hard spot and need advice, and the caller is ethical. It's helped me build up the courage to point out unethical behaviors in my own life and reflect on my own thoughts and opinions and phrasing.

Megan and Melissa are funny, relatable, and even educational. Oh, my gosh. No one's ever said that to me. Melissa and Megan? So sorry. Melissa and Megan. I'm a Leo, so naturally I just, like, switched those in my head. Melissa and Megan.

are funny, relatable, and even educational. Love these ladies. Keep on doing what you're doing. I also love the other podcast they recently came out with, But Am I Wrong? It feels like the perfect add-on. And be sure to check out Melissa's other podcast. They're also great. Truly a diamond. Ooh! P.S. I love seeing Megan and Melissa's relationship blossom through the podcast. Envious of their friendship. That is so sweet. People tell us that all the time. They do. In real life. Every time we get our nails done, they're like, you guys are so cute. And I'm like, yeah, wouldn't you put us on a target car right and sell it i mean you know hallmark we still have your number we do we need our royalties you stole our not our name but our likeness likeness likeness likeness oh did you

want to read another one no we'll save them for episodes we really appreciate that thank you all for leaving reviews it's really great it's wonderful it's really nice and it's also a great way for us to like hear what you're thinking about the podcast and if you're enjoying it because we have definitely taken a hiatus from letting people into the facebook girl which we will strike back up soon one person did get in because they messaged me i know and did you not see where i responded you knew better than to message me yeah truly no it was it was so spot on they messaged me and they were like i've been trying to get into this fucking facebook group for literally a year and if you don't let me in like that you are responsible this is like the start

of my villain origin story and i immediately searched him in the group and i added them i responded villain storage origin story avoided then included the screenshots in the group and everyone in the group is like one of us one and i said i would have let you become a villain because i need a rival exactly she knew and i was like okay all of this checks out like you're fine you can come like you can come that's not an invitation for other people to do it you know there's no one outlier and that's it and also like she took it upon herself to do all of this without knowing that this would succeed like she just like did it all on her own so we will be oh we will be going through and doing all that stuff in the summer it's just a lot it's just a lot

everyone uh we are so if you've been listening for a while or if you haven't if you haven't been listening for a while to give a quick recap we have a facebook group where it's like a support group where people can come in and ask uh uh we can talk about the episodes talk about things in their life. Like it's like a community where people to get to know each other, but also to ask kind of more timely kind of advice where it's like going on a date, what should I wear for this and blah, blah. It's like a wonderful, amazing community, but it's a very open and vulnerable community. And so we have in the last two years really cracked down on making sure that we are like, it's like a, it's not like a job interview, but like we're doing like due diligence and

research to everybody applying because there are certain people in the group who have like made it clear that there's people in their lives who they aren't in contact with anymore and like abusive relationships and so we need to make sure that all the profiles are real and like tie back to accounts and that's why we have you jump through all those hoops and like link all those profiles and stuff like it's because people share really vulnerable things in there it's also for your own good because if you're like a not so secret racist like you think i will tear you to shreds you'll be ripped apart in that group 0.5 seconds or less 0.5 people from all over the world they're like if i know they are seconds seconds you have and they will they will hurt your feelings

so bad so and they have jobs and we're not trying and i don't want them to have to spend their time doing that so that's why we do all that due diligence ahead of time and we didn't used to do that which is why this takes a lot longer for us to have people and we shut down the group for a while to clear things out but now it just takes a lot of time so we're tired we are perpetually so um we just cut out a whole section of us talking about marvel dc so if you want to head on over to patreon we're gonna put it there because melissa said this episode is too long with all the headings we talked for 20 minutes but if you ever wanted to hear our thoughts on movies and TV and TV. So if you want to call in to this podcast, you can leave us a voicemail

at 3 1 0 6 9 4 0 9 7 6 international listeners. You can send us an audio message at Megan podcast at gmail.com. You have three minutes. That's your, that's your timer. You have three minutes from the time that the beep happens and, or when you press record on your voice memo on your phone, however you're going to record it. So we, I don't want to say we encourage, and I'm not saying we're holding you at gunpoint i'm saying what's the difference between that like wherever the middle ground of that is that's what we're telling you to do to write down what you're going to say practice do you know what i mean it's just being respectful of everyone's time and your own time and respectful of yourself and you want to make sure that you have all the information so that

we can give you the best possible advice so don't waste anybody's time exactly you're like you said you're also wasting your own time the amount of people who are like fucking sure just written to town first ahead of time. So write it down, time it, see how long you have, read it out loud, practice, practice. And then when you call us, just read it right off. We love that. You can get a diamond if you do a wonderful, fantastic job and make sure you let us know all the important details. So ages, if it's about relationships, how long you've been together and also include your pronouns. So we can be accurate with those. And if you're 18 or over, have your parents promotion anything else nah let's get to the episode roll the tapes hi megan and melissa

was not calling to not expecting to call in but let's jump in i'm 26 she hers my husband 26 he him and i've been trying to tidy up our apartment and help my husband with some of his stuff because that's always easier than dealing with my own but he has this laundry basket of things that have moved with us and we've been here long enough to give him plenty of time to deal with it and I tried to let him just go at his own pace with it but anyway in said basket there was a bunch of random stuff like figurines, whatever, doesn't belong in a laundry basket. One item, being the big stressor, is a plastic bag of mail containing some items dating from 2014, so well overdue for shredding.

I told him an idea I had for organizing it to help him basically get some folders so that he can see what's in them and just dwindle down the pile. so that maybe he can do five minutes a week to deal with his mail, because he never opens it. He was a little hesitant at first, but he said that he was fine with it. We got the folders. I started helping him organize, basically keep, go through, and shred. And he got more and more stressed over it,

and I told him that I was just wanting to help him with it. At Ikea, we make things just for college life, like the Rosenmantle blackout curtains in gray. They say you can't put a price on sleep, but we did, for the low, low price of $49.99. Why are you in my room? Shh, go back to sleep. You have a big exam tomorrow. Shop back to school at Ikea. and not judging or anything, just dwindling down the pile. I was going through, and he got more and more edgy about some of the banking mail. And we don't have any shared accounts, but we're both pretty open about our expenses.

But he was insistent that he could open his own mail. And I just said that I was looking for dates to put into the shred pile as it was old. At the time, I didn't think a lot about it, and we all know where this is going. But he happened to be out tonight. I got curious about why he was so angry over some of the statements. Lo and behold, I peeked through. There's some charges for OnlyFans. I didn't know he was on there.

Not mad about it, but feel a little deceived. I feel like maybe it could be innocent things he's paying for, right? I guess I'm just looking for some advice on how to address this with him. Thanks. I need to know how much they billed for four. I need to know how much he was spending on OnlyFans.

Also, if he was trying to hide something, he did a terrible job. Like, he was sketchy, antsy, edgy about the whole thing, and then finally was just like, like, dude, a plastic bag full of mail. Why is he getting paper statements

from only fans sorry yeah especially when you need to shred them and then he just lets them sit in piles for a while because at first i wasn't sure where this was going i was like i literally have bags of things that i need to i went through shredding about like a month ago so i finished all my shredding um but like i still have bags from when i first moved in to my place that are still sitting in my kitchen where i need to drop off stuff at donations but like also my car won't fit them so i don't know when that's gonna happen but i was like whatever i've had those whatever i know that it can be annoying for other people but i also live by myself so yeah yes as you said why does he have paper statements paperless statements especially

for only fans if you're trying to hide it why it feels like he was trying to get caught yeah like that's his fetish it's like he buys stuff on only fans but he doesn't actually actually look at it but he just like buys it and then wants to get caught so he leaves these statements around and then he's like oh no she's gonna find it also like is it like is he is this like mail from only fans being like here is your receipt of purchase or is it like his bank statements that show like statements i don't think that only fans would send paper copies they know better than i feel like you'd have to call and request like hey only fans i would love a paper statement everyone so i was like damn that makes more sense yeah if it's bank statements uh men men sometimes

like i just you i feel for you because like i'm sorry it must have been so frustrating for you to just like be like i'm just trying to help and like just seeing him get so edgy and antsy like when we're we're big proponents of them like if you're gonna snoop you know what you're looking for and like i i'm a pro snoop i'm not pro snooping as like a routine thing to like keep someone in line or keep someone in check like i think if you think you're gonna the only time that you snoop is when you think you're gonna find something and you're okay with finding something and it's not a regular occurrence it's like you know it's you've got a mission and a goal there not keeping tabs so you will hear no shame from us about snooping because you got exactly what you were looking for

and yeah I think that maybe like we've gotten so many like questions like over the years about like OnlyFans and I mean we get it in the group and all of that stuff I think that maybe with this OnlyFans is like staying and like having like virtual digital sex work whether that's in like forms of porn or messaging conversations or one-on-one video chats this is a kind of a mainstay in like the which i think is a good thing that it's not being hidden as much as like you know cam girls and like that kind of thing where it's like yeah like people regularly advertise their only fans very publicly which i think it's a great shift i think it is and i think it's also great that people also publicly talking about consuming only fans and i think that in order to make sure

that sex work in general is being regulated and safe and respected the only way to do that is to talk about it and so that i think that maybe now we all just need to adopt moving forward with dating that early on in a relationship you have an open conversation with your partner always should be having open conversations with about porn but also about only fans and like i think that needs to be something that like you talk about ahead of time because like i just feel like this is happening like like people are finding this stuff way too often for it to be like this is pretty common and like pretty normal for this to happen. And so I think that, I mean, I would bring it up to him and I would just be like level with him and just be like, Hey, so you were being kind of

sketchy about this mail thing. And so I was curious, I apologize for going through your property, but I did see that this is an OnlyFans charge. And like, I was wondering, was that the reason why you were kind of like skittish about this? Like, and I'd like to unpack that and like hear why and I have some questions if you're like comfortable answering these kinds of questions it would really like help me because I think we're in a relationship and this is something that I didn't know about you and I would like to have a conversation with you about this you go at it with no shame attached to it and not like pointing fingers but finding out what exactly it is that he's watching who he's watching and why he felt like he needed to hide it from you yeah there's

so much shame look at me being pro men pro cis straight men there's so much shame around men watching pornography there's lots of shame around women watching pornography in general but with men it's this thing that like it's this circle that in this cycle that men hide it because they're embarrassed that they watch it and then women get upset that their partners are watching it because they're hiding it because it feels like there's something to hide but they're hiding it because they feel shame because they've been told there's something to hide and then it's just this whole never-ending cycle and unless you and your partner have explicitly set a boundary ahead of time that you view OnlyFans as like cheating I think you do come at it from a place of like this is something

I didn't know about you like I would love to know and you seemed a little uncomfortable with this and like you said like I just want to know I just like kind of want to understand it a bit more so we can have a conversation so we're on the same page I don't want you to feel like shame about something I think it's great that you're supporting a small business I think no truly I think it's great like all about supporting a small business but i think it's important and we talked about this in the episode we recently talked about porn if you don't talk to your partner about this you then you don't know what they're watching and that is a really dangerous thing and if we don't talk about porn then the porn that people end up watching is like completely unethical and also

just like really scary and really fucked up the the stuff that hides in the deep corners of the internet is the really violent really offensive really fucked up kind of shit so it's you should know what your partner is into watching porn wise. And so you can know if you consent to being with someone who's watching that and you feel comfortable being with someone who is watching whatever porn that they are watching. But yeah, I mean, my advice would be a little bit different. Um, if you did share finances, because that is a, in general, you don't need my approval to watch porn or do anything, whatever you're going to do. Like, but when it's our own finances, like I need to be privy to the financial decisions that we're both making with our money.

i just can't i'm just picturing a plastic bag full of mail i could picture it that's what i'm saying i have the amount of times i have moved with like not necessarily laundry baskets just full of random shit and she's like oh figurines mail and i'm like when i tell you every corner of my house has a box full of random shit i relate yeah i now at my house i have because the mail gets like delivered inside a little it's a slot last night the mailman because it was raining all day he came pretty late at night and it scared the shit out of me it's like it scares the shit out of me when i'm there like midday and i'm just here oh there's just a mail slot yeah midday i'm expecting it but it like falls into my house so now i have a big box that it just drops into and so once once that

gets fooled that's when i go through it because i also have which i don't know people i've told you about it but as a general thing you can have the mail people scan your mail and let you know what's coming so I know when I actually need to look in it for something and most of the time it's a junk mail so that's so smart yeah also did I tell you that like good fucking on me and well mostly good on you for doing this but when when I was gone over winter and you started my car every once in a while I didn't start my car for two fucking weeks and then it died and I was talking to the AAA guy and I was like I had my friend do this when I was out of town he was like see smart great but apparently people's cars are dying all across the world during the pandemic because

nobody is driving yeah I told you this that I my business mailbox I just I go there I really during the pandemic I started having most things sent to my house because I didn't feel like going there but now I go so then my battery doesn't die that's the only reason I go check it it's smart yeah it's smart i have to sit in my car at some point today for 45 minutes and just with it i don't know why when you sent that to me i read it as 48 hours i was like you're gonna let my car run for two days no 45 minutes for 48 so i had to do it yesterday and then i have to do it again today so i just read the part that was 48 hours i was like you're better What about the ozone layer?

She's going to die, though. Also, someone can easily come steal your car. I know. No, I just sit in it. It's a little weird. I know. And he was like, yeah, you don't have to drive around because if it dies again. I was like, okay.

Yeah. But I mean, I feel like you can easily sit in the car for 45 minutes. Oh, I did. I did the S.J. No problem. Soon again, no problem today. I do that whenever I just leave the house and then come back and sit in the driveway for hours. okay next call hi megan and melissa hope you guys are doing well i've been a long time listener i

never thought i'd be a caller megan you might remember me from answering one of your stories about thinking i enjoyed being love pumped i think i was just in denial so my pronouns are she her and i'm 20 the guy in the story is also 20 and his pronouns are he him so we matched on tinder on halloween weekend and pretty much clicked from the beginning we spoke every day until the end we matched on like a Sunday and he wanted to meet up that Thursday I originally said yes but then changed my mind because I didn't know him that well he was really understanding and he was like like don't even worry it's the bare minimum I have anxiety too so I get it like that was the image I had of him in my head super understanding and kind and the love mommy kind of started from

the beginning like he would call me like his pretty girl like pretty often it was off putting guys first but I kind of pushed him aside at this point he told me to be going to university three hours away in january he canceled me once before and also he was sick so we still hadn't met but like we facetimed too the love bomb it continued he even told me he was willing to do long distance and it felt really like the first guy i've genuinely liked i've never been in a relationship before he knew that also at some point it all kind of felt really genuine so he mentioned really wanting to see me and like he was pretty like he was almost begging to see me so the next week we decided we agreed on like a Saturday after like 4 p.m. We didn't make any solid plans like a time

or place since I needed to study but he seemed very excited. He'd be like can't wait to kiss you like please like jump in my arms when we see each other. So that Friday night after my I finished my exam I reached out and he was already drunk with friends because it was like 10 o'clock and that Saturday morning I woke up to message and he told me that he woke up in a different city three hours away but he was coming back now I think he was with his friends I asked him if we're still on like around 3 p.m but it's been three days and he has not opened my message he updated his profile on tinder and posted stories of pictures of him with his friends presumably like from that trip and now I'm just really upset it's been like a month and a half this has been going on and

I went through so many theories to explain his behavior because he didn't really get anything out of this and he was doing like the utmost like he made a playlist for me from the beginning he dedicated a song to me at some point after I told him like there was a song that reminded me of him he added me on Facebook too and like he doesn't use Facebook like what was the point of doing that so he really like intertwined himself into my life and I just don't know how to heal from letting a person I've never met manipulate me so bad and I just feel bad for feeling sad because i let this happen and i would just like some advice on how to heal from this and move on past this and just maybe not let this happen to me again so thank you guys so much bye can you

give some background about what she said about love bombing i'm trying to like remember but i think because there's a couple people who've said things like this before i think it was just something along the lines of like i think she had said that like she enjoys love bombing and then i was like she really likes that and then i responded and i was like i don't think you're familiar i don't i don't want to be an asshole but i think what i said something along the lines of like i don't think you you wouldn't say this i don't think if you really understood what love bombing is because it's a cycle of abuse and it's not the overt attention and all of that kind of stuff is only the first part of it it's like a circle and it's a cycle and then it becomes you

take that away and then you weaponize it and you do all that stuff so i'm pretty sure that was maybe who this was but there's a couple people who i've had conversation with this about but i mean i love with you my first instinct i'm like is this man a catfish like is you said you facetimed though so that's when it it changed for me i was thinking the exact same thing until she said that they facetime and i was like did you actually see his face yeah i mean this in the absolute kindest way possible and first and foremost i want to say that like uh you're you're you're very clearly like blaming yourself for this and like assuming responsibility and you don't need to assume responsibility.

And so I want you and everybody who might relate to what I'm about to say to like understand that I'm not saying this in a, this is your fault or your responsibility way. It's more along the lines of what sometimes can happen is people who do this tend to specifically go after people who don't have a lot of relationship experience because they can set the scene and set the table

and kind of give an example of what it's going to be. And they can't really do that to people who've been in healthy relationships before because it's out of the ordinary. But when it's the only thing you've ever known, it's the same reason why, like, you know, grooming and with like adults, like, I mean, dating with large. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33 inch display and an immersive 19 speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac.

Find out more at CadillacCanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for Calendar Year 2025 for the Cadillac Definition of Luxury. Age gaps. People pick people for large age gap relationships who either don't have experience with relationships so they can, again, really call the shots and show what a relationship is like and have it be on their own terms or people who haven't been in healthy relationships i just want to say that you put quotes for people that are just listening sorry yeah so that is something that

when we talk about like avoiding these situations i think love bombing i don't know anybody who hasn't been in an instance or a situation where someone hasn't been hasn't done this and like it's sadly like incredibly incredibly common and what he gets out of it because you're like it feels like he doesn't like what's he doing it's attention it's attention and knowing somebody is into him it feels like power and it feels like control and it feels like it can even be as like innocent as just like boredom and feeling like filling your day with like compliments and flirting and all of that which there's nothing wrong with enjoying like flirting with someone but it just has to be when you're on the same page

and it's leading someone on or doing all of that. The playlisting, I really... Maybe here's the thing. How about we just tell you how much of a scumbag he is and hopefully that will make you not be so sad to start.

He didn't make this playlist for you. He made that playlist for everyone and sent it to you. And he picks a different song for a different girl. And you know, it... It's a move. And you weren't the only one

that he was talking to. and he might also have a girlfriend like or it's all a game for him he might not have a girlfriend he just likes stringing people along because he likes like you said the attention but also the control that he has yeah and knowing that he can make people fall for him in a month and like have it be like so quick and like that they'll drop things to see him and all of that so whoever you facetimed and like had conversations with like he was designed for you by him to make you be into him and that person doesn't exist and that's something that's like really scary about love bombing and when you're in a relationship with someone and then suddenly that goes away and it's

someone you don't recognize it's because they molded their personality and everything to be what they think is like the most desirable and most of the time you can like pinpoint exactly what movies they've watched and what male celebrities that they think are hot like whatever they think that is and it's like you are living a budget version of the notebook and like you're just saying these things that sound like they've been written by Nicholas Sparks, but you clearly don't believe them. And they're clearly not like for me specifically. And yeah, you're young, you're only 20. And I say that just in the sense that like, having gone through this and recognize that this is love bombing, I think is like, you're years ahead of me at that age.

I was going through this shit. And I had no idea that I didn't put any fault on anyone besides myself for any of this and didn't recognize that this was like a cycle that I was a part of that was not for me but my biggest advice for this is I say like get out there meet people whether that's like if you want to do dating apps if you want to do something else but like making sure that you're actually like meeting and talking to these people and that if you don't know them so well just know that like they're statistically if someone is like completely in love with you and obsessed with you and doing all of this stuff like right off the bat immediately unless you've been like friend childhood friends growing up or like something like very very very

rarely is that not just the start of love bombing because he doesn't know you well enough and people don't know you well enough for that and i would never put myself out there to like get hurt and just like be incredibly vulnerable with someone I like just met and like come on so so so strong and the people who are comfortable doing that it's usually because they have a habit of doing that and they recover from it pretty quickly you know yeah it's hard when you haven't been in a relationship before and you think it's and I'm I'm guessing since you are someone that said that you liked love bombing before you have this perception of what romance should be just because of maybe the media you've consumed or most likely the media you consume television books

maybe podcasts and so you have to drop what this perception is and look more to what actually they're saying and not the persona that they're putting out there. So, you know, you live, you learn, you live, you've learned. He doesn't respect you. He's not going to respect you. It was all a game for him and it hurts to hear, but you've been through it now and now you can be, you're able to spot that in future people that you may date. Yeah. And for anybody who doesn't have a lot of relationship experience and you're kind of trying to look out for this stuff, biggest thing I can say is the difference between relationships and friendships, relationships and friendships start with the base of friendship. And the difference between a romantic partner and

someone who's interested in you is like, if there's a sexual aspect of like what you want in a relationship and what they want, then it's friendship plus like sexual attraction and sex. And it doesn't have to be like intimacy sex, but like intimacy in some physical way or an emotional intimacy aspect of it but there's the friendship aspect it always remains there it will always be there and so if someone is like immediately when you're they're into you all of this kind of stuff and there's no friendship there there is none of that relationship that you have like with your friends where like you feel close you can talk to each other you get to know there's all of this other stuff if it feels so so so different than friendships and not just because it's like oh the

fluttery feeling in your stomach oh there's some like sexual attraction there there's like the oh will they kiss me kind of thing that is kind of just like a telltale sign that they are just regurgitating like you said the media that they've consumed and like playing a role of what it means to be romantic when like i think the base of all romance is friendship and like because that is like an incredibly like powerful relationship and experience to have with someone and then the only real difference is like intimacy in whatever form of intimacy you're looking for in a romantic relationship but it's tough and if it seems too good to be true it either is or you need therapy and I don't mean that in a mean way I just mean in general like if if you think that

things are someone is like too good to be true it's either that they are or you have some self worth issues to work on in therapy which I understand I've been on both of those so I wholeheartedly understand and experience this and I think it's really amazing that it's only been a little while since this has happened and you've had this realization like it took me years to realize my ex-boyfriend showing up wasn't my boyfriend's time this guy literally met like a couple times and was like into showing up at my birthday party in Vegas and like knocking on the door and like figuring out where I was took me years to realize that that was actually creepy and that wasn't cool and my friends were all we were all on the same

page like oh my god that's so cool like that's so hot and like years later we're all like wow whoa fuck like we had such a warped sense of this so kudos to you for doing this reflection at this point yeah all right time for a break we will be back after these quick messages should i just start with shilling what disney character does that that's how they talk i don't remember i don't know either it's the gopher from winnie the pooh i didn't even know there was a gopher in winnie the pooh i liked piglet and eeyore and tigger obviously but tigger felt like a personal attack i'm gonna live with you so like everyone except for winnie the pooh and christopher robin oh can't go too and rue rue was cute winnie the pooh was fine i just never

such a stupid i don't understand why winnie the pooh is the star me neither first of all no star power like i'm so sorry like eeyore has more star power like i love i love a underdog story but i also hated honey as a kid and i think i still don't like the taste of it and so like winnie the food i just couldn't relate on that level gotcha and i was definitely a pants but no shirt kind of girly not a shirt no pants i'll do it sometimes in the house when i i'll wear because if i'm on a call or something you can't tell i don't have pants on so but i have pants on right now okay i'll do that if i'm wearing a giant t-shirt and period underwear because otherwise i'd be marking my territory okay should we get into the rest of the calls yeah yes we shall

so we just started playing this call i had melissa pause so okay in this call it sounds like she says that she is 20 years old and her husband is 34 and they've been together for eight years total married for six which i immediately made melissa pause and go i'm sorry she was 12 like freaking out and there's actually a note next to this that the original call she called him once before and then this is one that she wrote down so it's when we're using it's better but that she clearly says 27 so the quality is better in the other one she's 27 she's not 20 but we needed to do this before because i know no one would be able to listen to the call no it would just be like i'm sorry 26 year old and the 12 year old god my heart i just fully was like if she i oh that scared the

shit out of me okay okay hi megan melissa i called earlier but i think my call was a little jumbled so i wanted to write it down i'm a 20 year old female with she her pronouns and my husband is a 34 year old male with he him pronouns we've been together six years total and married for four My issue with him lately is intimacy. We haven't had sex in about two months now and I feel disconnected from him. We do have a two-year-old who keeps us busy and we both have incredibly busy jobs. I work in a hospital and I can't go into much detail about his job, but it's usually pretty tiring for him. We've fallen into a place where we hardly kiss or hug and sex seems to be unimportant to him. I brought this up to him by saying we feel like roommates and I feel

dissatisfied but he'll say things like I don't think it's a problem I'm so attracted to you I'm just tired lately though he'll be playing video games all night and I'll go to bed alone so I'm always wondering you know how can he play video games when he's so so tired and he doesn't want to spend time with me I do have a history of sexual trauma and he's mentioned feeling nervous initiating sex because of this when we had first started dating but I'm no longer bothered by this been, I'm not affected by it at all. I've worked through this through therapy for about, you know, two years now. And I'm feeling really confident and comfortable with my sexual health. And I mentioned this to him as well. And it really honestly hasn't been an issue for about five

years total now. And so I don't think that that's playing a role into it. I just thought it would be something that I should mention. But like I said, it's not a barrier for me. And it never really was with him anyway, since I had been working through it before. I have also bought a vibrator that I use, but he has not joined in, but I thought it could help. But it seems to not have helped at all. So I guess what I'm asking is, if you guys have any advice on how to feel more connected without putting any pressure on him to have sex if he's not interested, I really don't want him to feel pressured. And, you know, I've been in that position before with previous partners and I really don't want him to feel that way either. I don't know if it's a matter

of him just feeling tired at the end of the day or if there's something bigger going on. There's no signs of depression for him, no anxiety, he's not taking any medications. I am a social worker so this is things that I have already kind of thought about and there's nothing indicating that there would be something bigger going on so i'm wondering maybe it's me i don't know any help would be appreciated and you can be as hard um or tough as you want thank you bye-bye okay so do you have any thoughts right off the bat if i'm just gonna go off him the him playing video games he probably sees and i'm just this is i'm not getting into the rest of the call but as far as like him spending time with you, he probably sees video games as something mindless that he does

to unwind at the end of the day, where as opposed to having sex and being intimate is actual physical work that you have to do. And so I wouldn't directly take that as he can do that, but he can't be intimate with me. I don't think those two correlate, but I understand your frustration. I think, I'm sure he's tired, but there could be a bigger issue here that he's not even aware of about his libido and just, you know, getting, I mean, 34 is not, or how old is he? 32, 34. 34 isn't old by any mean, but there could be, you know, tiredness does affect your libido in a huge huge way this may be TMI but even the other day I woke up way too early and I was like okay I can't go back to sleep let me just masturbate so I can go back to sleep and I

tried and I couldn't even get off because I was so tired so I so understand yeah me trying to force myself to go back to sleep by doing this and it just it didn't work because I was so fucking tired. So I think maybe making a time, looking at your schedules and making a time where it's just you two, where you can do something where you're, it's not like a day that you both have to work and spending maybe the whole day together, getting reacquainted with each other on a physical and emotional level. And then trying to have sex would be different than just like at the end of the day when you're both exhausted and he's so exhausted that he needs to decompress by playing video games all day, then that would be a better, different approach to going about being

intimate with him. I so agree. I think we have this like stereotypes that men are just like ready to go whenever and like down to have sex and like women need to have more emotional intimacy that leads to physical intimacy. But that's not true. Like it is completely varies person to person like whatever's in your pants is completely irrelevant to that like it might be something that like for you you're horny and like you want to get off and so it's just kind of like a end of the day like rough and tumble check this off the list this will be great but for him it's not that he doesn't want to have sex it's just like that's not even on his mind because he's not feeling there is no like intimacy that's leading up to it like it's not like a switch that he can immediately turn

on so I agree I think like having like if you can try and set a date night every week where the expectation is not to end it with sex but it's the expectation of like having more everyday intimacy together because yeah you've got busy schedules you have a two-year-old you both work you're really tired especially when you're tired to have like a day like that where you know it's not your partner so you don't necessarily have to be on but he can spend the rest of time he can like decompress the video games when he wants to decompress and then he if he doesn't feel comfortable or doesn't really view quality time with you as decompressing which like he wants that's quality time like he doesn't want to have mindless kind of that he doesn't view those things

as similar activities which i think is actually a really good thing that it's not either or and it's not like you can have a harmonious relationship with both of those things like you can have that and if you need to have the energy and the bandwidth to be intimate and have these dates and to regain emotional and physical intimacy that's not doesn't mean every night thing it's just like a once a week thing of being like let's do this and like let's go like let's have like see if you if you can get a sitter or if you can't where then making it be on uh like a weekend like planned a month ahead of time where you can get a sitter for something like that and doing that or something that it is not right before one of you has to go one of you has to go to work like really

early the next morning like setting yourself up for success and just being like you know getting having fun getting like cute for each other like wearing a cute outfit that makes you feel super sexy like going to do going to like get takeout from a new restaurant or like where i don't know what the situation of new cases is like for you but like going out somewhere doing something and then knowing that like when you kind of start redating each other intimacy there uh you have more opportunities to be like in the moment and like as opposed to the default of always being you're always attracted to your partner but always being in the mood to have sex with your partner and like be intimate in that sense I would also say if you can I would turn off

your I think you said you're a social worker I would turn off that lens and like turn on a friendship and partner lens because when you said that like he's not showing any indicators of being anxious or depressed have you asked him like have you had a conversation with him about how he's feeling or are you observing him it's a good point because like people mask that all the time and i also think surprisingly as much as sometimes that the people we're closest to that like have the hardest time picking up on small changes or things that have been different and especially if you're seeing the same part like you're seeing them every day and he might be dealing with some stuff but is like heavily masking that in front of you so I would ask him about that and he might maybe part

of the reason why he might not have felt comfortable about that is because like you do come at it from like a social work kind of professional lens so I think if you can come at it as like a friendship kind of thing but he's saying that he doesn't really have any problem with intimacy like I don't think that you need to bring up like are you anxious or depressed in that same conversation I just think that it's like you know we haven't done in a while like a mental health check-in Like I've been feeling like this is something that's been bringing me a lot of like anxiety this week or like I like, you know, I felt like, you know, I was going and I don't know what your mental health things.

So this would just be like an example. But it's like, oh, I'm really happy the sun is coming back out. Like, I feel like I've like felt some like lifting on my depression. Like, I don't know, like, again, this is just completely hypothetical. I had a meeting with my psychiatrist is really helpful. Like, I'm really liking the medication I'm on, blah, blah, blah. So like, if you have an open conversation about mental health regularly, and like that is something that you talk about, it makes it more comfortable for a partner to talk about

when their mental health isn't great because it doesn't feel like a catastrophic anomaly. And like, if it's something that's already in your everyday kind of discussions and not when it just comes to like work related stuff, but just as like a check-in with your friends kind of thing. But I think that it's also very valid if he's not anxious, not depressed, that doesn't, he can just have a lower libido with that. But I think that I would ask if he's comfortable, like, Hey, are you comfortable? Um, if I reach for your hand to hold your hand or are you comfortable if I initiate that? Like, or is this something that like, you're not really in the mood to be physically intimate in any capacity, whatever level that is. And are you comfortable

with me like touching you? Or are you not comfortable with me like reaching over to hold your hand or like kiss you on the cheek or something like that? Because you've said that he's not doing that and i think that like you mentioned that he had been a little more apprehensive early on to like come on to you because of some trauma sort of stuff but is it that he just doesn't want to be touched at all or is it that he doesn't have the emotion like the energy to like instigate things and doesn't really have a desire to follow through because i think if you're not even holding hands or kissing throughout the day like i think that's what you focus on because you're not going to have sex if you throughout the day aren't feeling like there's any sort of intimacy and

he's not feeling it throughout the day like there's any sort of intimacy like it's highly unlikely that like you're both you're just gonna like randomly have sex at the end of the night like intimacy is something that is built throughout the day and i would i would focus on on those little things but i would also clear it with him like there are some times where like i do not like to be touched i mean in general i'm not a very touchy person like at all but like i have sydney always my friends always used to and I think about this now and I'm like damn we probably all the signs were there I mean I knew I had ADHD but like there's a lot of other signs there that like I don't like to be there sometimes where I'm just like I don't want to be touched

I don't want to be hugged like I I need my physical space and I like that with MOTS too like if anyone someone's too close to me and it's there's no rhyme or reason behind it I just get overstimulated and I'm like please don't touch me and that sometimes can last a little bit longer for me and it's not personal at all it's sometimes just overstimulated and if that's him and if he deals with like just overstimulation then maybe it's like is like is the house really messy is like they're like construction across the street that's really loud and noisy like are these other things that are like i can't even tell it's like you have all these these for me i have all these like plates like spinning when these like things that like noises and just all of this shit

everywhere and then you hand me another plate and i'm like i'm gonna throw the plates all all of i'm gonna drop them all at once i'm gonna lose and then i'm gonna shut down but throughout that process you kind of you cope with it yeah you got to figure out why that's happening there i don't know it's it goes through phases too sometimes you're just not that in the mood to have sex and shouldn't feel obligated to which doesn't sound like you feel like he should be obligated to either but if it is like an ongoing thing then therapy to talk about it if you don't feel like getting anywhere with conversations with just you two yeah all right next call yay hi megan and melissa i'm 20 years old i use she her pronouns and i am a junior in college i am a virgin and

have never been in a relationship growing up i never talked or learned about sex with my family or friends and primarily learned everything i know from the internet or this podcast i recently was catching up with some of my high school friends they've all started exploring sex whether that be through hookups or relationships, so people were mainly talking about topics such as how far they've gone with their partners, how to perform oral sex, how big their partner's chances were, etc. Since I have not done anything sexually, I felt super uncomfortable with the whole conversation. I also felt like I couldn't contribute anything and feel like I'm being left behind.

In general, I get super awkward and freeze up whenever I have to talk about sex and masturbation. I struggle to talk about it openly, even with my friends. I've been currently questioning whether or not I'm on the asexuality spectrum because although I masturbate and can get sexually aroused from watching porn or reading erotic literature, I do not think that I've ever felt sexually attracted to someone, but I'm unsure since I've not been in a sexual setting with anyone before. I have been reading some Reddit threads on asexuality to learn more about it, but again, still unsure. My mindset right now is that once I actually have sex, I will figure it out. But in college, I have not met anybody nor have I been actively seeking out romantic or sexual partners, which makes me feel like I'm falling even more behind. I'm scared of dating apps since I feel like everyone around me has had sex and only wants to have sex and hook up. I just want some advice on how do I feel more comfortable talking about sex? How do I not feel like I'm falling behind on sexual milestones? And how do I feel more comfortable putting myself out there and dating? Thank you so much. this is so common we've had kind of a similar call to this before but yeah it's very common

i think the first thing is reframing your mind because don't think of sex as having milestones which i think that we've all become of custom to talking about like basis is something it's the first thing we hear about when we're younger and people start talking about kissing and touching and things, but there aren't any milestones. And when you say that you're not, you haven't been sexually active, you are masturbating. So you are sexually active. You don't have to be with someone else to be sexually active. And then like with talking about and comparing with your friends, it happens. It's going to happen. People are going to talk about what's going on in your life, in their lives. And you know, it's fine if they talk about it and you just want to listen,

or you don't even have to be there to listen to the conversations. It's just whatever you're comfortable with. Yeah, I will say that I think that this podcast really gives off the idea for me personally that I've always been comfortable talking about sex. That is not true at all. Like I'm older than you are.

And at 20, I was comfortable like making like dirty penis jokes. Like I definitely was not comfortable. I don't even know if I had like, I think I probably masturbated for the first time when I was 20, maybe even later. like I was not comfortable talking about like sex sex intimacy unless it was kind of a the joke yeah like not a nuanced conversation like oh my god we got to this space whatever like a very like

surface level kind of thing but like I didn't talk with I did not masturbate had never had an orgasm at 20 like that was something that a lot of the time I think what we see as like young women talking about sex is yeah penis sizes like oh he went down on me like oh my god blah blah all this of and it's like not really about like it's not like female pleasure centered at least it wasn't for me at that age and so I think that like you've been you've been on reddit you masturbate you watch porn you have all these things that like I would say if I had met you when I was 20 I would consider your you leaps and bounds ahead of me sexually even though I was having sex like there is such a diff there's so many aspects of that and you have one aspect that a lot of people don't

have yet and that is something that like honor that like honor the fact that like you know how to get yourself off which some people don't know how to do and like you are having the more like nuanced conversations with yourself and understanding like your own preferences and all of this that like you might have looked at me at 20 and said I'm behind and I would have looked at you at 20 and said I'm behind yeah I would I'd say like for me I mastered it beta before I had sex. And I feel like that I, when we, like you're saying, when you're around your friends at that age, you're talking more of in a like salacious way. And when we got down to it, I was actually having more pleasure. And then by the time I actually had sex, I understood my body

as opposed to what to do to someone else. And so I was able to, you know, prioritize my pleasure. And I feel like my first time was leaps and bounds better than what I've heard from other people. Yep. I mean, I don't know if there's any truth to it, but like for in my own personal experience, like my friends who had had more like attention from the in this case, like heterosexual, my friends who had more attention from guys earlier on and had sex earlier and did everything else earlier had orgasms later than my friends who masturbated first because they people are

starting to get into sex and starting to exploring and like some people do like masturbate like very young which is also incredibly normal but a lot of the time people go to like you know reading fanfic reading smut reading like some like sexy things and like touching themselves or masturbating or whatever because they aren't having any sexual they're having sexual feelings but they're not having that play out in their like relationships every day. And they're seeing their peers do all of that. And so I know money, so many more people who like are like Melissa in that sense. And then people who were like me and like, it took years for us to like actually have an orgasm because there's not a ton of sex education that encompasses everything. Like we have, like you said,

the salacious media talking about like sex in the city, like gossiping, gossiping, gossiping about this and then you have like the anatomy kind of conversations and about like clitoris like clitoral pleasure and all these other things that aren't messes they don't really go together and so it feels like some people get handed one book and other people get handed the other book and we're both jealous of what the other one has but i would say that you said that like you'll figure out your own like where if you fall on the ace spectrum once you have sex if that is something that's comforting to you. And that's something that like you don't aren't putting pressure on yourself for. But I would, I would urge you to not feel like a label should feel comfy and helpful

and useful to you and only you. And I think that labels in general, relying on instances of like, to be that moment of clarity versus just going with what however you feel in the moment and knowing that like, you don't have to put pressure on yourself to like, have this your first sexual encounter not only happen be enjoyable, but then also tell you what you need to know about what you feel like you want to know about yourself sexuality wise, if it clarifies something for you, that's wonderful. But I hope you don't put pressure on that moment to be anything other than like seeing what it's like for you. And I think that like, you don't have to feel comfortable talking about sex. And I think that's okay. You don't ever have to feel comfortable talking about

sex if you don't want to. I think that you're doing the work behind the scenes, discussing sex and watching porn and doing all of this stuff that it's not, it just might not be something you feel comfortable participating in the conversation of because you don't relate to the current conversations your friends are having about sex. But if your friends are having conversations about masturbating and like their favorite like something sexual things that you can relate to if you want to participate in those conversations that's also great but you also don't have to participate in those if you don't want to and you listen to this podcast which means like you're comfortable hearing about us talk about sex so i have friends who like i never talk about sex with

like that's just like so not their vibe and then i have friends i do and if you're as long as your friends aren't making you feel othered or pressuring you to that just know that like i've talked about my sex life to friends who don't ever share theirs with me and like we're both comfortable they're comfortable asking me about it i don't feel like now your turn please share yeah like i also think i don't want to say that like our podcast is setting an unrealistic standard but like i talk about sex more with you melissa than anybody else in my life yeah maybe not but that's because we're having sex and i was gonna say and then most of the time when we're not on the mic it's because we talk about it a lot because we get prompted to but i don't think

we actually have talked about it like not on the microphone before no and we also don't really specifically talk about this is also a very young thing like we don't really in general like once your friends start being with serious relationships like you don't really talk about sex with your friends about it no and like we talk about sex on this podcast but like there are some times i'll get on here and say things that are like personal stories but most of the time we're talking about sex as like an abstract and as like a not as it happened in the past and not yeah only happening because i don't want to care about my married friends fucking their husbands yes no no no no there's like a window so like when my best friend and i we both started dating like our who our

fiancees now i'm like we probably talked about sex with each of them for maybe a week two weeks and then never again because it's like well now that's who we're marrying and that's weird like so yeah i don't think you're falling behind i think when it comes to dating i'm sure it feels like it's the elephant in the room and that like everybody has like sex has had sex besides you but as long as you are clear with like what you want and like what your expectations are for your sexual relationships like if you want to have if you want to have sex with someone if you want to have sex someone when you're in a relationship if you don't want to be in a relationship when you have sex with someone like as long as you're aware of those with yourself

before you start dating someone you can clearly communicate those things and the shitty people will like filter themselves out you know yeah she also wants to date but she's scared because it seems like everybody just wants to have sex and hook up you have to know what you want so then you can communicate it to other people and you talked about the dating apps and we've been over this before, but in case you haven't heard, but like, if you're using dating apps, go about it with intentions. If you want to just date casually, then put that in. On dating apps, the people that want to hook up are very open about that's all they want. If you want to date, then be open with like, I'm actually dating. Yeah. Again, and I will say I've said this in every single one,

dating casually, dating casually has an expiration date. 99% of the time, if you see someone says that they're looking to casually date they're not looking to casually date someone and then be in a relationship with them and then settle down with them they are looking they are not looking for that it is the in-between of saying that like i don't necessarily want to have a one night stand but like i could have a couple week stand or i could like would like to put you on my roster when i want to settle down and have a girlfriend i'm gonna start a new one i'm gonna start a new roster so i just see so many people they see men put as like casually dating and they put that in there thinking that that's what they want because it leads to seriously dating but

just like i we want you all to have intentions when you date and join dating apps the people you're matching with are also have intentions and i know wonderful great guys who are total catches who put when they're ready for a relationship that they put interested in a relationship and like it happens they're there you just have to be confident in the decisions that you're making and you're you're making those choices for future you and future you really thank you. Yep. All right. Time for don't blame them. So this is where a listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call that we had on a previous episode. So maybe they have their own personal experience. Maybe they're similar to me and like to hear the sound of

their own voice. They have something that we neglected to say. So. Hi, I'm a 23 year old female and I used she, her pronouns. I'm calling in for a don't blame them for the most recent episode about the girl who never dated anyone in college. I also never had a boyfriend or really went on dates when I graduated college last year. And after many pep talks and moving to a new city, my friends convinced me to get on dating. I agree with Megan and Melissa that you have to know what you want, but also I wanted to echo how low pressure this can be. Some of my friends immediately started seeing people in person but I wasn't comfortable with that so for the first couple months I just messaged people only recently have I actually started going on dates with people

I live in a red state so it took going through many profiles to find some of my same values and I got the expander preferences prompt many times this can be frustrating and start to turn me off to dating apps but I would run into the same situation in person it's just an expanded pool, like Megan said. Your limited experience is not a red flag to others. And if your partner is a good person, they shouldn't care about your dating past, whether you dated hundreds of people or zero. So I just want to tell the caller that you aren't alone and there is no pressure to rush into dating. Everyone goes at their own pace. Thank you so much. And I love the podcast. Bye. So that is from season nine, episode 13.

what a perfect don't blame them for that last call well thank you for that and we hope you all enjoyed the episode if you did leave us a review on the podcast app we really appreciate it and if you're still listening this far comment it's like an emoji you could do the heart and the bomb like a love bomb emoji or anything or if you want to share us share with us your new favorite emoji They just let out a whole bunch and it takes forever to scroll through all of them. I was just like, what is this? I already hate how many, there's so. There's so many.

I just wish the search function was better. Yes. And I also wish that we would get a proper eye rolling one. We have side eye, but we need like an actual, not like the one that's looking up. It needs to be like in the circle. You know what I mean? Yeah, I agree. i think there's a lot of them and i just think that white brunette girls desperately need

their own emoji and so we can throw that one in there too yeah be absolutely wonderful wait are you saying that you're brunette no that's what it sounded like you said no but they need to spray tan emoji i would i would love that if they have all the same hand ones but they have like the badly done wrist spray tan that's what i want i want the fine spray tan for the rest of the hand and then like you have like the the residue on the wrist so then when girls so like when people just stop because i don't think i mean i don't know them personally but there's people on tiktok who like switch their emojis based on if they have a spray tan or not and i'm just like okay let's let's be realistic your wrists nah your wrists have some orange they look like cheeto

dust let's be realistic you need you need let's give you one that really let's give you one that you feel seen what i think is so funny is that me who was a professional spray tan artist back in 2009 ish I had such a technique that wouldn't give you all that extra and I'm just like it's been over 10 years at this point why hasn't it advanced because my technique you didn't have those splotchy lines and stuff and so I just don't understand how people are still getting those they're doing it themselves I know but like I feel like there should be an at-home version of what because it all it was was like a sponge where I was like contouring it into skin And, like, why isn't there an at-home version of that?

There probably is. It's just the effort that people aren't putting into it. So you'd rather look, like, splotchy than to take one minute to contour it into your skin. Okay. They're desperate. Okay? They're like, St. Tropez is working overtime. Okay.

Well, if you want to call in for the podcast, we said the phone number 310-694-0976. International listeners, send us an email, megapodcastgmail.com. stay tuned for or don't stay tuned make sure if you haven't subscribed to this podcast subscribe and then subscribe to our other podcasts but am i wrong comes out on thursdays it's a good time anything else okay we will see you all next time goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson.

Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.