Don't Blame Me! - Meghan Needs New Teeth

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

In this episode of the podcast, Meghan and Melisa discuss Meghan's need for new teeth. Meghan is not enjoying life and doesn't take Melisa's suggestion for cooking food. Neither of them like surprises. Meghan is in a hotel room and has a new job. Melisa has been checking to make sure Meghan has some signs of life. Melisa is having chill weekends because she has some busy weeks coming up. She's also prepping her outfit for Beyonce. Melisa has been named president of her writing group and Meghan thinks she would make an excellent cult leader. Meghan installed a new ring camera. Meghan wants what Melisa considers the ugliest crocs she's ever seen. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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So, someone told me that that's actually not true, and I, like, rebuke that information without a doubt. just because like what part that he doesn't oh no now i remember oh god no now i remember because i was about to say like you don't make that up out of thin air and i go it's a horrible story where does that come from i go oh from the worst story where he stole legitimate teeth yep yep you watched my brain go through all of this i was setting you up hey you hey you i hit record and said what was that that you said what's that you know my slow delay process you saw the on my face and i got there and here's the thing i said what part isn't true we get there at different

times yes he did not have wooden teeth exactly he did have teeth that were not his own uh-huh i actually saw in a was it a tiktok maybe with a comment on something about it and it was which i was like this is very true where it's and this is where i get the ethos um if someone is lying about something and it's objectively bad the truth is objectively far worse and that is the perfect example of it yep i agree how are you doing i'm okay how are you i'm good how was your lunch They were soft. They were microwave potstickers. Could I have put them on the stovetop? Because, well, in the cooktop, there's no stove. I just snotted from laughing. But I didn't because you're not here to tell me, Megan, stop. They'll taste so much better if you do it that way. Take an extra time to enjoy something more. Yeah. I remember you were going to put olive oil in it.

And I was like, it calls for canola oil. I have some. See, this is where we differ. And I wish I was so much more like you in the sense that like, I will live my life to a lesser level of satisfaction purely out of ease. Like, and you're like, why don't you just take the extra 0.2 seconds and make something enjoyable? And I go, that's a lot of effort.

And that's my problem. You don't like to enjoy life. is your problem. No, my, my problem is like, if something doesn't bring me serotonin, like serotonin in the immediate moment, it's the impulse thing. That's the issue. It's the impulse control issue where it's like, why don't you just like, that's like what I like, don't like, I prefer to be surprised because if someone like tells me like, Oh, there's something exciting anticipation. I'm like, you can't tell me that. Cause I will need it immediately as the moment is happening. I don't like be surprised because most of the time people surprise me. It's not a

good surprise. Their thought is not something that brings me joy. I'm like, that's not what I asked for. I'm very specific about what I want out of life. And I don't like surprises. That's fair. I will say I have managed to hack the system a little bit because if I will make things a surprise that other people aren't making a surprise where it's like oh like you know i was thinking for your birthday like i have an idea and i'll be like you know don't tell me just make the surprise and then like monta's been like okay i probably should change it because like i'm not confident i could and so then i'm like cool go for it but like if other people know you're excited about a surprise then they know like oh shit i have to make this a good surprise so i will say he's gotten

exponentially but like there are times like certain things he like has wanted to do for my birthday which he also the great thing about having like you in my life is that I know I can direct Mott's to you and you're not gonna screw me over if he's like you will steer him in the right direction whereas Kyle I love to absolute bits and pieces keyword their bits Kyle loves a bit So Kyle will, if, if he will go, this is an objectively correct option, but I think this is kind of funny and I would love to see that reaction. Some days, some days he might be feeling really sentimental and he's going to pick what I care about, but more often than not, like he's going to be so tempted by that bit that

he's going to fucking pick the bit. And like, I love that about him. I also struggle to not pick the bit when it comes to Kyle. Like that's just our relationship. um so you know you just you always just make sure that you have people i don't think a surprise should ever be an individual effort like you should always bounce those ideas off of whether they're friends family strangers you just check you got to do a vibe check yeah i agree so that's my feeling of surprises um but um i did tell everybody that i would let them know what i'm

to it. I'm currently in a hotel room in, what day is this coming out? This is coming out next week. Tuesday. Okay. I won't be here then, but I'm currently in a hotel room in San Mateo, a city in Northern California that I have never been to on purpose. I might've accidentally gotten off on an exit around here at some point, but I'm looking at my view is I am parallel to freeway melissa i could throw if these windows open i could throw an apple and without my glasses on hit the hit the window of each car like the cars in my that mean that they're so close that i could like these are moving targets and i could hit my moving target without my glasses on so you're just like living on the freeway yeah like the cars in my view are okay come on drive

by suddenly there are not okay they're like this big that means nothing to me what do you oh okay i guess you're right that doesn't mean anything you guys can't see the video i'm trying to show her with my fingers how big they are in my view so there's not it's not like they're little ants like they're big cars from here um but yeah so i'm here matz has been he was out of town for work and he had ended up having to leave like almost a week before he thought and so he's been living at our hotel out of a hotel room for years like legitimately so fucking long and I thought I was being like cringy and annoying being like oh my god like am I crazy just like I'm so lonely like this is like so boring and I also like can't fucking sleep and I was like is it crazy if I

like go like to him and I remember before I even said that was on my mind for you I was telling you that Moss out of town I was like yeah I'll be out of town and I like said how many days and you go you're going right that's so long what the fuck are you gonna do and I go wonderful thank you that is all I need to hear because I was like am I crazy like I was like and Moss kept being like is it crazy if you just like come and so he because he ended up leaving like he found out like the morning of or the yeah like late that night or something that it was like oh you know I have to leave like in like seven hours or something instead of like four or five days later so i wasn't able to go with him for the whole time but um i will be here and i'm hanging

out um it's now also turned into work on my end which is totally fine because we love a job a lot yeah no i'm stoked about it but i just am like you know it was a surprise job it was a surprise job like this wasn't like a sneaky like you know i knew like i had no clue it was just you're here we need someone to do this thing that you're actually very like you have experience and you're good at why don't you do this and i was like oh amazing and now i get to swap out and start using my amex so they go business expense i'm here for business i'm here target yesterday buying my travel size lotion for my business trip and i was like i love when this happens um me so yeah so i will be here and then we have like another little thing that's a

partial of a weekend that's for work so i think we're officially back i say we matz has been working the whole time i will in total have worked two days um but you know my other work on like tuesday or something so i'm living out of a suitcase and that's fine except i did not plan for the surprise work job thing so but then if you have to buy a uniform for work i know gotta buy some khakis and a visor so some hoka hoka i know everywhere i say it i just want to go from finding i've never seen it anyway so i know you didn't didn't found it never found it couldn't found any didn't found any so that has been my life and i've also like been like weirdly not on not weirdly but like not on instagram or like posting anything because of this because a

i don't want to accidentally post it like when moss is out of town because like that's not smart for safety um but then i also just like literally did not sleep so the only person i was responding to was every probably like every 12 to 18 hours melissa would text me and just be like you alive and i would be like yep sorry i said please give me some signs of life signs of life and then it would happen again and I would be like oh yep here my bed sorry and then you go did you sleep I'm like oh I don't know my life this is draw my life it's like quirky crazy cool fun um and uh I think that's it what did you get up to this weekend I last weekend this weekend and this coming up weekend I've just been trying to have chill weekends because the next couple

weekends will be very busy um so what are your next couple weekends after so then samantha's having birthday things that take up both saturday and sunday she should have been born in the month of august that's big leo energy and then of course beyonce is the next weekend oh my god wow okay wait is that the first weekend of october no it's the 24th is the concert so i leave on the 22nd yeah um do you have your outfit well i was holding off since she did like that surprise thing for that ends right before my concert where it was like everybody had to wear silver because it was virgo season and she just put it on her instagram and a lot of people had already got their outfits and they were not happy and then i heard people were getting like

harassed not harassed but people were like guess you didn't get the silver memo for people that had like made their like handmade which i'm like whatever she didn't even wear silver the whole time um and so i was holding off just in case she had another surprise because she just told those people like a week before and then going up but i have an outfit picked out so we'll see i really like what quinta had on that was really fun and i loved the hair and makeup all of it with it yes it was like it's the same person that's been styling her they're fucking crushing it but i do think that like there's something that there's a difference i think between the people who wore silver and when the people and the people who like embodied silver and also like

with the silver represents like quint is doing like i'm not from this earth silver like it was like and i'm and that's the whole thing where people are like i'm just wearing silver sequins i go i'm so sorry uh as someone who attended the heiress tour you are lost come with us like see this is it's a different but and so that one and like with the hair all of it i was like oh yeah This is exactly it It wasn't Kendall Jenner In her gray bandage dress I don't even want to talk about her

So I have an outfit Picked out That is silver or is not? It is silver But it's not like Perfectly silver I think I'll be fine with silver regardless So I'm just

Holding off on buying it But I do have it Oh, I've been waking up at 6.30 a.m. every morning. To practice. To practice, and I've been doing it. So I went ahead and signed up for the group. I didn't doubt you. I just doubted how wonderful the experience would be.

I've been actually getting up and writing. So it wasn't like a just getting up. Do you not poop first thing in the morning? First thing in the morning just depends. But it's like a time thing. So it's like 10 a.m. So it's not like because I'm awake that I'm going. It's because it's 10 a.m. I'm going.

You and Mons both just have such a lax pooping schedule. But I feel that's so regimented. It's every day at 10. It's not lax. No, it's just that you also don't drink coffee in the morning. I don't drink coffee, period. Well, neither does he. So for me, we don't need to talk about my bowel movements.

We're talking about you. anyway um i got accepted to the group there's a lot of people like how many people are on this sheet 60 people how long did you give yourself of like a trial do you think you let me see if i can do this before you applied i applied last night um and i started whenever we said whenever we talked the last last thursday you're really just saying it doing it living it breathing it like there is and not only giving yourself enough time to like psych yourself out maybe that's it yeah and not only that but i was named the group leader shut the fuck up of course you are because of course you had to like put in all your

information they were like and then i opened the sheet and i was and my name was highlighted in green and i was like what's this for and some people are highlighted in yellow and i'm a group leader and then there's three backups so what are the people who you applied to do like i would think they were the group leaders there's 18 people in my group um well there's because there's so many different times so i don't think they can be in every single one but it is it's a film organization like people that work in film and um they were like she's got credits yep this is like how i think if you somehow managed to accidentally go to a cult and like no and then they go do you want to just take this over you go you guys are not doing a

very fucking good job and like you're begrudgingly becoming all of that and then like you're in this like fucking palace surrounded by all of these jewels and everybody's like kissing your feet and you're like okay i guess i'll accept this but sure whatever like it is literally like our begrudging leader like if we have like a revolution like you're gonna have to like a hide so because people are going to be like we need her and you're like figure it out literally i say that to some people every week when i see them and they want me to do a specific thing and i'm like bitch do it yourself i literally said this the last time that they asked me to do something and it came out of my mouth before i meant it to come out i want you to know that i

have a person in my mind that i wish you said it to i don't think you said it to them but i would have loved if you did but yeah so i guess i'll have to go to this since i'm a leader yeah follow the leader um yeah so there's that um i always knew you were a star i know so i'm gonna treat this as if this is a writer's room and i'm the head writer they're gonna say i was gonna treat this like this is a presidency this is my cabinet no I think I think it'll be like good and I also think knowing you I think having um having not being um a minor cog in the machine will also be good in the creative sense because you need to feel good about yourself in order to be creative and write well and this it's like a it's giving you a pat on the back because like you need the

praise and you need the confirmation to like continue to because like being with this kind of creative stuff you'd be creative and you put yourself out there and like you have to be a little egotistical to do that and so this is a good of being like you are worthy and also i will have to get up and do this and like you're an inspiration to millions like it's becoming like not only are they can like they're giving you this validation that like you know you're you're doing great you're all this but then you're like oh all these other people they look up to me yeah so well i'm happy for you i if i had known there was a group leader i would have predicted that they were going to assign that to you i think i don't think i would have predicted before you

ever spoke like you know before i thought it might have been like a community effort let's vote at the end after the first one um but i am not shocked that they just had to pull up um an imdb pro and read your answers and go she's overqualified throw her in there yeah but now i have like i don't have an out you never had an out that was my issue with this for you before like my out was i just would stop showing up as i did with many of the jobs i had in my past but now if you stop showing up it's mysterious and it's like mysterious what happened to her and maybe she got a huge job well if i if i when i get a huge job i'm just gonna be like i'm not coming anymore well no i was gonna say but if you got a huge job now and they would be like and

she's the biggest scab of all like that'd be really bad if you've got a huge job right now yes no but like i do think that the eyes this is like what gabe said where gabe put one of gabe's like one of gabe's biggest fears imprinted onto me the first time they literally said this i turn to them i go i've never thought about this before and i will never stop thinking about it now which is you don't want to die being the least famous person on the airplane because no one will write it up you want to be the famous famous person wherever you die so your name is in the headline so right now you're what highlighted in green you said so if if the if if the big old green disappears people are people are they'll be googling your seo will spike they'll be yeah

it probably already my imdb has probably already gone up yeah for the week and i randomly check it because i'm like why is it going up when i'm not actively working on something check it on your birthday it always is good on your birthday no but i check it all i don't think my this is mine because i think i might have got on imdb after they stopped that thing where they automatically put your birthday on there i don't even know if it's the birthday there or if it's because people just like people look you up yeah because like more people are i don't know something about it yeah i am up higher than i've been i'm up in an upswing hey and you know why because they're following the leader and the leader is you and as somebody who also follows you as my leader

i'm excited for them they're in for a wonderful time but they should know there's not a lot of room on your coattails i am taking up a lot of room i am very tall but but they but they um occupy a different section no they're they're i'm on your coattails they are fanning you and feeding you grapes as you all walk and they're only like a step behind you and i can latch on to some of them too and i just yeah that's what i'm saying see they they also have writing power so it's yeah separate i found a note on here of like things to talk to melissa about except this is actually i'm supposed to remind you i wrote down remind that thing that we read that we said no way from the people so you have to tell me that later so that's what i have oh yeah yeah yeah

um i did a lot of um i got like a lot of stuff done around the house i installed a second ring camera when I tell you it took me a day I mean it took me more than I like started and I was like I'm bored I don't want to do this anymore and so like there's a lot of like how long does it take you to do it me or like should it take somebody when you say install are you like actually drilling it in drilling yeah how long does that take oh it should probably take 10 minutes but it took me three days because i kept getting bored and like but like i'm at what part of drilling did you get bored at because there's four holes and after the second hole i was just like and so then i like went back inside to like grab a different but i got a new bit like i got a

masonry bit but i was like damn my throat is fucking hurting and then it was windy and i go what is that melissa i forgot to put a mask on and i am in i'm like hawking of loogies and i go that's a funny color Megan that is the masonry from the side of your home it's okay I snotted it all out and then I did my homemade mask which was um a hoodie tied as tight as possible underneath my eyes so I had no shoulders I did try and look um threatening so I do want to speak to my neighbors to be like if you saw me over the course of a week were you worried about me or were you like motz is definitely out of town and she's on the offense but um was your ring on no it went on later damn you should also get some good footage i low-key was i was thinking

this the other day that i was like i should have not just motz and i on the ring i was like it'd be really funny if i also gave you access to the ring because i was like what if something you know where else do i go your place if you're like trying to like retrace the steps i mean you can call moths but like you know it might be handy if something you had it and I was thinking about it I forget what day it was oh it was like I it was like I could picture what you would have said like I had an out-of-body experience in the moment of like realizing what how I was so weird I like went outside our front door but I forgot what I was doing and I just stood there and I don't know how long it had been but at least five minutes later I realized I just stood there and I'm just

standing in front of the mirror and I'm I mean in front of the ring and I'm just like completely still and then I just turn and look at the ring being like what am I doing out here and in my head I was like if Melissa had the live feed of this she would have scared me and like made a noise about like four minutes ago and I maybe would have remembered what I was actually here for I would have been coaching you yeah you would have been like oh and you would stop and I've been like I do that to my phone is always on do not disturb so that is the difficulty and also your ring is usually on do not disturb because the first time that I went to when you moved and I clicked it and it rang and you're like sorry we are unavailable and at first I thought it was a

joke and you're like oh no that's just the auto programmed and I was like it was so slightly passive-aggressive I changed it now what does it say now it says we're unavailable you can leave a message now if you'd like oh for your solicitors both romantic and financial and i don't know what the intentions of some of the other ones are but they're a little too aggressive and they're unwanted not a fan of those um how do you feel about nicholas cage conflicted it's not even conflicted i'm like he exists and i enjoy some of the things that i've seen him in but i just i don't understand the hype so i have there's a couple of things that he does that i'm like love but by no means is his stamp of approval mean i'm i'm here for it like no but also like

wasn't he bankrupt and was just saying yes to everything so then he could pay off his debt yeah and there's just like odd stuff but I did see this allegedly allegedly I did see so some of my favorite you know I love other people's like gossip and I love all the intricacies so one of my favorite subreddits is like the nanny subreddit you know the career the profession oh I was like the tv show no and so I ended up because I already joined the nanny one and I read it religiously they've been like how do you feel about server life and it's all about people who are servers and someone had posted and i knew this was going to be gold but because of the strike there are some fucking some goddamn fucking prompts people put on reddit and i go you know

exactly who you're targeting and it is the unemployed actors and writers who are ready to talk about hollywood and it's have you ever had a celebrity come into your work and how did they act this person said michael's cage came once and told me he was looking for a flavor and i was like this man's an aquarius as soon as i read that proceeded to order six hundred dollars worth of drinks appetizers and a few entrees and was unsuccessful then there was a time when he came in with his girlfriend pounded three martinis in under half an hour and proceeded to get in a screaming match with said girlfriend she left with his wallet and keys and we had to call him a cab other interactions to him are normal he preferred silent service but those stand out a male aquarius

absolutely wild you know who you should send that to who they know someone that's not in hollywood georgia okay then this one also made me laugh so this was in the dumois subreddit which was actor or comedian who's rude and they had posted one of their blinds or like a non please that whole format someone said nathan lane was once shoved up against a wall by harvey weinstein at a party because he hates harvey and wouldn't stop talking shit aka telling the truth about him i doubt he's the one with the abuser friend they're basically guessing who this blind could be about for anyone who's unfamiliar with how dumois works so someone had guessed nathan lynn and someone responded with this apparently nathan's

response was you can't threaten me i don't have a film career and i was like i love that and like i never believe i don't believe 90 of these stories unless i have a personal story with said person or it's similar to a story i have or someone else i know has had and then there moments like this where I have nothing to confirm it except for like that sentence and I go either that is true or you are a fantastic writer and that's fine I had I told you this but I had the do more person on Candace's podcast a super boom podcast it'll be out on Thursday did you already record it I just saw this title on reddit and it made me laugh and I don't even watch the show but it's under mildly infuriating my co-worker won't stop referring to peter griffin by just

his first name and telling stories about him like they're friends i love that and we need to steal that for a character like that is so fucking funny like where you just reference it like your friends and i love it and did you see that chobani posted a job listing for an executive rider where the salary range is $185,600 a year to $278,400 a year. Why is the range so wide open? What are you riding for yogurt? I don't know, but why didn't you send that to me so I can- First of all, it's New York. If I'm going to ride your coattails, it's not bi-coastal. You can't do it virtually? It says hybrid, but I think they mean hybrid in and out of the office, not hybrid Los Angeles and New York. But like, what do I need to be doing to write for yogurt

that requires me to go into the office? So people have been like dissecting this and especially like HR people on Twitter. They're like, okay, the way that this is written is definitely like correct, but the categorization is incorrect. But people are like, it's definitely like a COO position. I don't know why they're calling it an executive writer. Like that's not what like writing will be a part of it but like this is like a coo position and i was like oh because it did seem just like executive writer for yogurt chobani is one word and what do you have full fat low fat two percent strawberry do they have sayings on the inside of the flap first of all i do think that is an accurate depiction of how much you should be paid for if you are having to come up

with limericks yeah i think if you're naming ice cream flavors yeah yeah by the way ben and jerry's now has a bunch of well you can have coconut but i can't they have almond milk ice creams like based ice creams so far most of the ones i've seen here have had gluten in them but it's looking exciting for me i am not a fan of coconut ice cream oh so then this is exciting for you as well welcome to almond as almond's number one fan either take that back almond cow you can't say that no i mean almond ice cream i don't there's not recipes on almond cow for almond ice cream but if there are melissa will go back in time and edit this out if you give her sponsorship i will make it better yeah i feel like you could actually make really good ice cream with your

almond cow yeah i know i can that was why i got the almond cow because it was step one i've said this numerous times so then when do we get to step two when somebody purchases me the uh other machine that i want because i don't want to buy it myself you got a big job first of all this is the only job i've had in a very long time um i know i was like if only this was like coming after like stacks of money it would feel like it wouldn't feel like a it would feel like an a party and a trip not oh thank god yeah um oh close call um but uh i have an ice cream maker so we could do a combo or you could i could you could gift me some lovely almond cow and i could workshop i've literally made you some twice and you've forgotten it both times

i remember forgetting it once so i apologize for that i don't remember forgetting it twice and i apologize for that as well i only remember one of those instances but i'm not here to doubt that the second one also happened and since i'm not a huge fan of all the milk it kind of just sat there yeah that's my bad i apologize i will next time i will write it on sharpie on my arm which is what i used to in high school but i saw this tweet that was her yogurt writer him ups driver budget 4.3 million dollars and then they included a photo of house hunters nice and i was like that's fucking funny um anything else i'm finding ones oh skedaddle i was gonna ask you So Nina Parker tweeted, we've got to teach our parents how to properly use emojis.

My mom just used this one to tell me someone passed. And it's like the sly winking emoji. And she said, ma'am. And as somebody whose parents, I think I find them accidentally hilarious and on purpose hilarious. And the fact that there are so many things I have said, like, oh, I think your dad would like this. And you said that is above his technology pay grade.

I was curious if there are any emojis that you've either had to correct them on or you encourage the problematic behavior and usage of them for laughter do either of your parents do that no really damn you taught them well they're not big emoji well first of all it took my dad i feel like your dad would be an emoji guy it took him forever just to get on the internet so i don't emojis probably aren't even on his radar yeah so in like six years he'll be like how do these work um that's it stephen king's wife played mambo number five or no stephen king played mambo number five so much his wife threatened to divorce him which is the most relatable thing in celebrity news it's a great

song it is i wish y'all could see the dance move that megan just did oh finally melissa i really the thing i i almost texted you this as someone who's tried to be a personal influencer to get me to get Crocs, I'm sold. Do you know why? Who? No, you, because you have Crocs. And every time I see them by your door, I go, I should get these. And you go, you shouldn't get them. And I go, but I should get them because you have them. But I only use them to walk outside to take the trash out. And I see that. That's literally the only use. Or when you walk outside to walk me to my car. Yes. And I see them, Melissa, once a week. They made Shrek Crocs. Those are the ugliest things i have ever seen would you call them ogre like they're ugly as fuck

talking about the book yeah we're talking about and from one of my favorite books shrek so watch out yeah you wouldn't have to worry because people would run if they saw you coming with those on running from me is still attention the ears are literally poking out they have dirt as the sport mode. I don't like the nose. I would like to remove that. It's giving Mr. Potato Head. And I, that is unsettling. The whole thing is giving Mr. Potato Head. But you should know that when I was going in my croc journey, I was drawn to the things that were, I was getting one that was like a disco ball that had actual lights. I was looking at the headlight. I was looking at one that was a bulldozer at the front. Like the fact that I

could make this so 3d was a big selling point and they were getting less and less practical and i don't think i'd even be able to use them to take the trash out do they have crocs that are mr potato head because if not that is a huge missed opportunity that's actually a really good point like post malone has crocs but mr potato head doesn't what about miss potato mrs potato head what about our miss potato head we don't know maybe they got divorced maybe normalized divorce okay wow it's looking like a lot of DIY I know you're in your DIY era

so not this I have limits do you do you okay alright well we will see you next Tuesday

I've got orientation at 530 as a leader I'm done Thank you.