Don't Blame Me! - Melisa's Birthday Present

Episode Date: February 28, 2023

Melisa shares the details of her birthday weekend and opens her gift from Meghan and Meghan has finally met her neighbors. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

here we are for another episode of see you next tuesday welcome welcome welcome i feel like we're on npr now that's more welcome to another episode of see you next tuesday i'm your host blah blah blee blee blee blah laxmi shane terry gross terry i was like terry cruz is an npr i would die to hear terry cruz in that voice well do you need that welcome back everybody this is the first episode that we are recording today on our many many episodes yeah i'm i'm sorry that we got started so late it's fine so i was on time almost so i have now so i've had to like a lot for morning traffic again you know what i mean it's like i'm learning the commute i'm like learning how long things take and like you know

i moved so like not farther from you i'm like but it's the the the way you get to places like do you have to be on this freeway do you have to be on this other freeway before you didn't get on a fruit way no but it's like you know but so it a lot sometimes most of the time it's quicker sometimes it's not so i've started to get into the habit of um we'll attempt it to get into the habit of leaving before my map says i should yeah and i almost did that today actually i did so technically it was like you're gonna get here six minutes early and i definitely arrived 20 minutes after i said i told you i was gonna arrive which was great yeah because somebody i woke up and i told alexa you know stop and then stop it i went back to sleep and um usually when i do that i'm

just lying down for like five minutes but i fully went back to sleep and you know i made a mistake but i also did look at my phone i was like megan usually lets me know when she's on her way and you didn't and you haven't answered any of my text messages since saturday well i had a little bit of a hectic day yesterday i'm not sharing it on the podcast it's not hot gossip or no it's just a mess yeah it's just not like your mess no just close enough yeah and it's not like oh t messy it's just more like this fucking stuff that you don't want to yeah so that was took up like all of my yesterday i was in cheering up mode i was in sunshine like life it's great mode so yeah i haven't responded to anybody's text messages so it's not i'll look at them right now let's see

what you said they're mostly tiktok so okay so i can't watch them on air oh yep those are two tiktoks there oh you did wow you sent me the photo of you with the teenage filter and you do look just exactly like your nephew if you could not look more like him yeah that's wild i don't i never looked like that filter like no like first of all i look like i'm seven i do not look like a teenager no you you look like you could be recently potty trained yes yeah i never looked like i mean let alone the nose job but like that's just not what my mouth ever looked like either like what do you mean that these like children with these big full pouty lip injected lips and i'm looking at other people do it i'm like yeah it shaves off a couple

years but mine shaved off like 50 20 30 years 30 years no yeah like no you're you're you might be starting kindergarten but you might still be in preschool yeah yeah it's that's i can't stop staring at it that's so fucking funny well we had your birthday oh did we tell people the update we didn't tell them what we were doing we just said that we were no longer dodgeballing the dodge was no longer balling we were no longer dodging those balls i got a lot of messages from people talking about how upset they were that we weren't doing dodgeball and then more people upset that i did not invite them to the tea party that we had we had a great crew we had a great crew i was only the place said that i could only invite five people it was a small place but they

only had one person working so like we couldn't i couldn't invite no any more people isn't like renting a room with a cheesecake factory no and so it was an intimate gathering of five of my closest friends i loved that i made the list currently in la i mean no i know i almost didn't physically make it there oh my gosh i don't what first of all megan made me a delicious cake that i've almost finished eating the whole thing it's so moist and wet and i'm sorry i didn't think of giving you like half of it no i was like when moth was like oh do you have any i was like oh i should have asked for a piece to bring so you could have tried it and i forgot about it i forgot to but i mean take sure i'll take i'll take a piece um big thick piece because i've had

enough it's it's fantastic it's gluten-free dairy-free i adapted it from my friend mike his um he's what's his blog mikebakesnyc i think it's his instagram i remembered that you had got his cookbook before yes because i'm a chocolate fiend and it's like an all chocolate cookbook yeah he's like a brownies one he's got a couple different um ones but yeah mike it's mike johnson from mikebakesnyc i absolutely love him so um of course i couldn't actually see the book but i figured he'd probably have a few recipes on the website and so i looked on his website and there was one and i was like oh this turtle one sounds delicious it was a little less turtley because um i forgot the nuts which was fine because one of the guests ended up being not recently

allergic to nuts but she's always always been allergic to nuts so it was like oh good thing we didn't put them on sometimes she'll eat it and just pop a benny i can't i know i used to be like that she'll eat my german chocolate cake like she'll eat like like i usually make one uh yeah take itself separate because some of the children and then her they're allergic to nuts so i'll make a separate one but she's like i just want some of the the icing and i was like please don't no but she will do it and then take a benadryl that's not good nope nope nope nope but she knows her body listen to your body people and benadryl also knows your body yeah and so uh you know what started at 3 30 i think you might have got there around 4 30

without a doubt i guess that we do have kind of a time stamp oh my gosh so here's the thing i will say like it almost felt it's still not as bad as like the worst time i was late like the most chaotic time i was late and i'm late like all the fucking time like it's my least favorite trait about me like some people like adhd is my superpower i'm like are you fucking kidding me like it's my goddamn kryptonite like I like I'm a mess and a half and I hate it about myself because the issue is is that like I have no I have time blindness so I will like get ready ahead of time and I'll like literally be sitting there I'm like okay I have to leave in 20 minutes I have to leave in 20 minutes like okay okay and then I will like okay I have to do this like one little thing I can

do like I've got the time to do it it's simultaneously I think I have no time to do anything so I just like sit there and then I'm like oh but this will only take a second does not only take a second and then I need I will without a doubt miss at least three exits and that was what happened so I was running late because I lost my keys for 20 minutes then I found my keys and I'm driving in your purse they were like in I think they might have been in the box that I use I think I used my keys to open the box that I put your gift in and then I just left them inside of there thankfully they did not get recycled um and so i finally found them and i was like what the hell and he was like okay so finally found those after like 20 minutes and then i

would text you and i was like i did the voice to text while i was in the car and i was like i'm already driving but like i'm gonna be late if you need to sit down without me like don't worry like i'll still come meet up for cake afterwards whatever and you're like it's fine then i somehow missed an exit but i didn't realize i missed a fucking exit because i was autopilot started driving here and so i didn't think about in the same direction here's the thing i have no sense of direction i don't know where anything is i go what do you mean i just can't bop bop bop bop bop to the top so i was like oh shit but it was just the i only missed the first exit so it's not like i drove all the way to your place and i was like oh shit i have to go this opposite direction

i literally missed the first exit and i didn't realize i missed the first exit and then i suddenly see that it's tacked on an extra 30 minutes and i was like oh fuck like god damn it and i was like okay giving you the update then i find a parking lot and i'm like this doesn't seem like the right parking spot i'm supposed to go into from what the website says for the location and it wasn't and it was just like you know one of those ones where it's just it's very it's giving very hollywood where it's like just a little man in a little box in the center and i go you're gonna charge me 45 i'm not doing this um and so then i was like where do i do where do i park and you're like okay this one off of this street and I was like okay cool oh and I called Maz and I was

like I want to cry I'm so frustrated with myself like I'm so stressed out like I hate this like I'm so annoyed and the day before I had a meeting and the stress of like that driving I was late to that and like because there was an accident so I was on I was on standstill traffic for the first like two miles I spent half an hour on the first maybe it wasn't even two miles like a first mile and a half it was like so fucking long and so then I finally parked and I was like okay amazing I get the cake out i've got my like cute little outfit on that i was like i'm gonna wear pink because pink's our favorite color i've got my cowboy boots like you know i'm stomping around like and it was so funny like on when we left like the san francisco teenager came out in me like

when i was like i was like oh come on because it's hollywood boulevard it's dark where did you park i parked in this garage that was technically off the same street that yours was but i parked in a different the wrong structure so like i couldn't validate it but it was fine but it was like a tall you know structure and so i had to like walk across like walk a little bit down hollywood boulevard walk across the street a little bit more down and then walk and so i was like i'll call matt so i can be on the phone with him while i walk and he didn't answer because he's at the driving range and i was like okay whatever and i just reverted back into like teenager san Francisco mode and when I tell you arms are crossed face unfriendly as fuck I am stomping

everybody is getting out of my way like like tourists locals the man dressed as spider-man like everybody's like a bitch is on a mission like nobody looked twice at me like I get in the elevator and I close the door on people who are trying to come in with me I'm like no I'm good and I'm just like up and I was like okay wow I forgot about that bitch like that bitch lives inside me like that bitch is the bitch who used to go to hookah lounges underage like this is she knows how to stop we're there for the conversation because we did okay that was that was the one that we started it was problematic um and oh yeah yeah yeah i mean we weren't being probably we were talking about yeah the problematic things that young children

did to get into hookah lounges and the children being us so um i was late as hell because then oh so when i arrived there after i got in the parking structure across the street and i'm like where the fuck is this goddamn place because there are some places in la like houses are kind of easier to find the street numbers but to be fair like a lot of places don't have the like street address yeah the address isn't on them even a lot of houses and stuff and especially with businesses and so this was like within something and so i was like wandering around to like go up a flight of stairs and i'm like where the fuck is this and i'm so fucking confused i'm trying to find online i find a young security guard and i go i am so fucking lost and i'm

holding this cake and he goes okay let me see if i can help you and i tell him where i'm going he goes i don't know if that's here and i go oh no and he goes no hopefully i'm wrong i'm like hopefully you are wrong and so he's like okay no no it is let's find it and i was like yeah you have to come with me like you can't just give me directions you have to walk me there like you're dropping me off at summer camp and we finally found it he initially was like is it down there i was like that's a coffee bean that's not it and then he finally walked me there and i was like we did it and he was probably like 19 years old and i was just running the show and then i finally arrived and it was chaotic well i looked in you sent me the thing about parking at 4 40 so you

probably didn't get there to about five no yeah like without a doubt not until five so but you made it we had some sandwiches yep and some delights it was no it was fantastic i loved it great company i loved everybody good conversation you you like i like like the people that you like you know right so i'm confident in them yeah would you like to open your present i do i'm very excited about it so don't read it because it says what it is because i didn't wrap it is that a needle no but we can talk about a needle in a second uh-oh why well let me open this what kind of needle not a drug needle no no no no no i was like what are we talking about that's just a bobby pin or not a bobby pin but a hair pin

that's the tiniest little is it the duck bill right the flat ones this is so cute and little you've never seen no no i have the long ones i want to get some of these ones because i can lift the roots of my hair okay here's to be a toaster you'll see she's opening the box i did not um gift wrap it because i'm anti-gift wrap if you listen to our other show i have no patience that's okay i have none either i don't know how to be patient about anything except i know how to forget things which is helpful in being patient is that a wiener it's a hot dog toaster with the buns yes i'm very excited about this the reviews everybody is like it is like gone are the days of subpar hot dogs boiled yeah this is cute very exciting

for me because if you don't know i love a hot dog and also i have been looking at someone found like they went to a thrift shop and posted on tiktok about this hot daiquiri daiquiri the one that did the electrocuted one where it like electrocuted the hot dogs this is like a thing in the 70s where they used to like it was a machine quite like this one but they would like zap it so it would be your hot dog machine at home and it would electrocute it and then he found another one from the 80s that was doing practically the same thing and i was like everything about this makes me so excited and i would love to have this thing and this is the safer newer version is that him i don't know um he's hilarious i don't i don't think i ever saw

the face of the person that was doing the zapping i just thought it was so perfect because we're we're big we're we love a hot dog yeah we're big leaner we're part of it we're here to promote and we're behind the rebranding of hot dogs as a wonderful lunch as well as a snack like i just think we need to bring hot dogs back i agree wholeheartedly thank you you're welcome this is a great present very thoughtful it came to me like it was it was sitcom like how it came to me like i was brainstorming for i know it's it there's a little like like little uh basket that comes out that you put the wieners in so like it came to me while i was like laying in bed because i was like i was just brainstorming different things i've got

like a running list on like my phone of like things that i think people will like and i forget what i was like looking at like i was maybe it was after you were talking about um like your milk maker i was like yeah i feel like something like she's in a food era like something like this or whatever and i was like oh i wonder if they make ones for your home because i knew they had like so when i was looking they also have the ones that are like essentially the warming display cases that they have at 7-eleven and it's like carrie's like 36 dogs and i was like okay that's excessive but like i like the energy and then i found this this is perfect thank you i'm so glad you like it yeah i do isn't it cute it's very cute they don't have any in pink i spent so long

trying to find a cute little pink one good yeah i thought it was cute there was you should know i did almost get you the um what's it called we what's the wiener brand no what's the brand oscar meyer i almost got you the oscar meyer branded one but i thought this one was more aesthetically pleasing and your mom doesn't work there anymore so i don't think your brand loyalty options the stock options though so nice yeah i feel like that's a good stock to have good present thank you you're welcome so technically i guess this could be your either this can be your birthday present and your christmas present is on its way or this can be your christmas present and your birthday present is on its way i don't know

when it's i've got i've got your thing in my cart that i know that i'm getting you but we were talking about needles well you had said is that a needle and i said i'll tell you about needles so i went to the spa on friday i didn't do anything but sit in the spa and i got a massage and i got a face facial and um a coochie steam huh do you have a coochie steam nice and before anybody comes at me because some people feel like you know bee steams i'm not going for like i don't think it's going to cure anything in my cat i go because it feels good pleasant it's like i'm sorry like if you do i put my hair blow dryer on warm and i put it on my vagina that's not that's yes it's just warm it's warming you from the inside out and also like

they're like you're not supposed to be you're not supposed to steam your vagina you get in the shower yeah you take a bath like it's no different from that and also and then people are like it makes your skin sensitive yeah if you crank it up too high yeah if you keep it at a low temperature it's fine you don't fill it with a bunch of like irritating fragrance and shit right yeah anyway yeah i got my v-steamed and uh got a facial and i usually get oh wait i think i've actually done that too i might have done on beauty break a v-steam as i think about it now maybe i didn't i don't know um if you uh well i got a facial and i usually just get like a regular one just you know put some stuff on here wipe it off massage my face yeah touch my face yeah um

but i was like let me get an anti-aging one bitch did they give you botox no they didn't give me botox okay we're talking about needles yeah okay so she's doing all the like the i didn't know she was gonna do the thing where you like stick your finger in the mouth i fucking love that i did too but it was she was being very vigorous with it to the point where my face felt swollen afterwards you feel like you've gone on a roller coaster and you're like i can't like yeah or it's really cold and you can't stop smiling like you're like i can't stop smiling yeah and i have she's like steamed my face i've got my eyes closed she's rubbing some stuff on there and i feel something i was like what the hell is that something that was electrocute in my face microcurrent yeah and

then and then i feel like these little pricks and like things falling out and i'm like i was like and then like it kept going it was like 20 30 and i was like what what is that and she's like oh it's just a little needle to get your to like clear out your pores to get the white heads out oh they were to extract yes and i saw that there was extraction extractions but i thought they're gonna use a little loopy thing she was using a needle and as y'all know i have needle phobia but i was like if i don't see it coming and i don't know till i've gotten used to it i guess i'm okay wow leaps and bounds right it's like exposure therapy yeah it's exposure therapy with your eyes closed yeah it's like having a dream about it uh-huh wow that's and

you you lasted i lasted because it was yeah she did a great job and i thought that like i just had like some discoloration from picking my skin as one does no it was just things embedded in my skin oh like like yeah yeah the white heads and black heads and she took them out and now i'm like huh i guess i needed it wow and i could hear them when they were like falling out and the thing is my skin is pretty no you've got fantastic and so and i have a good routine yeah i guess sometimes you just need need things extracted out wow yeah it's always better to have someone else do as someone who's a skin picker it's always much better to have someone else do extractions because they're objective about it and so there's some times that like they can see again like they can

see the ones that like you're like oh no i thought this was just like a dark spot but i'm gonna focus on the thing that they're like that is a dark spot or like that's not coming out yeah so like they're good at that part of it i had a pimple that was on my chin for the last three weeks if you have the videos if you look closely it's been there it's gone now like it is gone she just needled it off she needle well yeah she like she squeezed the hell out of it and i was like i've been squeezing this thing and it has not nothing has come out and she did it and i was like at the point where i was like i'm tapping out and she was like no it's almost out and i was like okay and then she literally me and mott's being like i'm out i'm out i'm like it's fine we're almost

time yeah it's completely gone now she um did she was like there's a few things that they'll come out in the next couple days and i was like what the hell are you talking about she's like there's pimples under your skin and in two days they'll be out sure enough yesterday like one popped up right here one popped up on my nose and like she was like just like clean it like you will it'll be gone i was like and she was right wow right look at her she she knew it was good for you no a fucking professional professional wow i'm and she's like i'm not telling you about this yeah that's crazy uh-huh that's exciting though yeah your skin looks great thank you and look at you mild exposure therapy leaps and bounds leaps and bounds i have to say i i mean i am fully

vaccinated I love vaccines um I'll I'll get Botox any day before I get another Gardasil shot like Gardasil is far more important than Botox but there is something a little bit different with the feelings of needles in different ways yeah you know yep and so I think that like but I will say that like having gotten like Botox in my jaw and my head for so long has made me way less nervous to get um like like getting my blood drawn or vaccines and stuff so like i think this will help i don't think it's a totally separate thing i think it's you know baby steps yeah yeah i was i was really proud of myself i'm really proud of you too yeah i like can't imagine your face when she was like oh it's just a little needle yeah and then it's like the inner internal

the dialogue she was still like getting it in so i couldn't even like move because she was like stay still you don't want to alarm her because you are afraid of needles and then it's just like okay i have to i have to be fine yeah and it's been fine i was just like it stings a little bit but it wasn't and it wasn't to the because she was just in my poor so it wasn't even bleeding yeah no so yeah but i did think when i stood up i was like oh i'm gonna have it's gonna look like one of those vampire things one of those vampire facials yeah he's like no but no it was like my skin was just smooth and i was like whoa you did a fantastic job that's amazing i'm happy for you that makes me want a facial i love the massaging of my face yeah massaging my temples massaging

between my eyes i also definitely need botox again because the constant headaches are coming back and then they creep into migraine territory as soon as it starts raining or i'm tired or anything like that and we are about to get some really horrific fucking weather did you know we're supposed to it was supposed when i checked the weather earlier in the week like last monday it said that it was gonna rain on sunday on saturday i was like oh fuck i'm gonna have to cancel but then it didn't rain oh that's good yeah we've got a low oh actually well your low is a little less low than mine because of where our homes are located um but by me our low is 37 on what day thursday and friday and then it's supposed to rain thursday friday saturday everywhere

well there it is whoop there it is but we had a beautiful 70s day and it reminded me like i feel like since buying a house i've had my new renaissance of like i love la this is why i live here like this is this is hollyweird hollywood this is that's like mom's like favorite thing to say to like his work buddy where he goes another day in hollyweird and he's like fucking stop mom's like no you get so mad it's funny but like this it was like 70s it was like gorgeous and sunny and beautiful and i met almost all of my neighbors yesterday oh look at you me someone who Mott's has known all of them Mott's literally like what came home I think I told this on the podcast but like he came home one night and I was like where are you and like it was like 30 minutes

I was like did you get kidnapped did you die it was like oh no he like the neighbors were like come look at what we've done and like he's going through a tour of like our one of our neighbors houses um but so we were we're the third most recent people on our block people across from us moved in like I'm like right around hallow no right around Christmas because they got their christmas decorations up immediately and then there's another house down the street telling me that's what i was telling you to move into um and then across down like a little bit farther down another another people just moved in so they didn't even get to do the new kids on the block for that long but i met them they're great they're so fun they have the most beautiful adorable dog

who like just sees you and it's like oh and just like runs over and it's just like rub my belly gorgeous like i think uh maybe it's like a spaniel but like i don't know if it's a king charles but it's like a little bit bigger beautiful dog gorgeous so fucking cute and then i met another one of the neighbors who is like the first one mott's ever met and take in mind we moved in almost a year ago and i was like oh hi i'm megan he was like oh it's so good to me it was like did you think i like wasn't real like i was curious if people just thought i didn't exist and i was like i'm just like an inside person like i just you know i'm not i don't go outside as much like mostly on the weekends and stuff um but i'm like now they'll gossip they'll

tell the other neighbors that i do in fact exist right so it was nice everybody was like exist and she's hot i that was like i was like fuck i wish i looked a little like it looked cute but i was like i wish i looked like a little hotter so they could be like damn but i i mean i had to put on real clothes because i had to run out of the house incredibly fast for what we had to do that day um and so i was like still wearing that but they were like very cool and very nice and i don't know i like them and i was like but we're still the youngest people on the street it's like we see all of the stuff like they literally ripped out their like gate and like handrail in the span of like a couple hours like they were doing it when we walked out and we talked for a bit and then

when we went inside and we came back out later it was like done and i was like oh my god like they're inspiring me and i was like there's no way that that's her first house and months goes no no i'm telling myself that like we're the only first time homeowners here and we're the youngest and like that's why we're like that's why this is taking us a little bit longer and we're literally like kids asking we're like so like what are you doing like okay so like how do you do that like it's hard yeah and it means i'm glad we get to do it but it's it's to watch these watch these women do this i'm like you are fucking impressive they've got their shit together so all right well here's the end to another out of touch episode how are we out of touch can we talk about traffic

we talked about traffic we talked about hollyweir we talked about tea parties we talked about hot dog warmers telling you right now a hot dog warmer is not out it's hot dog toaster it's not out of touch anybody google it it could be yours well the the fact that you corrected me from warmer to toaster just shows how bougie it is a warmer we talked about la weather you know just out of touch we're incredibly out of touch and check back in next week for more out of touch ramblings where we talk about why next week when they can just listen later in the week you know since we have the hollywood elite yeah we're here to be out of touch for you four days a week because like the hollywood elite we're not working five days a week

oh even though wednesdays are my busiest days yeah i wednesdays are a hard day i have class that day and then podcasts in the morning three and wednesdays were i have like i still have this thing in my head i have to edit the well review the episodes that go up on thursdays do you have an early day any of your like in school ever like a day the school ended early no we've talked i was gonna say wednesday was ours so like even as an adult i'm like that shouldn't be allowed wednesdays are early days so it's like no like and that was literally your school district yeah that was your school district i had never heard of it until you told me and then i found out that this year they started doing it in the school district i graduated high school from that my nieces and

nephews the kids fucking need it like you're supposed to get through a whole goddamn fucking no give them give them a little something in the middle of the week all right well we'll see you next tuesday okay goodbye