Don't Blame Me! - Missing Your Friend After Taking Her Man

Episode Date: September 4, 2023

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Guy keeps bailing on plans Cheating on your partner Dating someone your family hates Dating your friend's ex Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @meghanandmelisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hi y'all hello oh my god what's up the sky how are you doing i am thriving coasting on very little sleep and um for that reason we are recording virtual uh because i also have to shower like a full hair washing shower everyone that might sound wild to you that we're recording virtual because i didn't sleep well and i have to shower tonight again but you don't know my struggle i know your struggle which is exactly why i said i know washing your hair or taking a shower takes a lot out of you so let's just do it virtual i was like i'd rather have you a little bit awake than completely yes zonked out yeah and i would have just had to like bring my toothbrush brush and like sleep on your couch i didn't like can't make it um well welcome to another episode

of don't blame me where we two people who are bestowed with a gift of advice giving give you the advice that will maybe possibly change your life it's a big deal it is a very big deal and um we take that with a lot of care and love and responsibility and a little bit of pizzazz razzle dazzle if you will we possess between the two of us so much razzle dazzle you need sunglasses it can be blinding nasa has us registered it's something that nasa registers i was gonna say where are we going with this megan as what i don't know as as planetary i don't know not the words that nasa uses like are not in my vocabulary they do a seminar a press talk a press talk oh my god a press tour a press talk first of all let's let's make things more casual

they probably do a press talk like they get on they post things on tiktok because their youtube their youtube channel is very popping i watch it regularly of course you do because you gotta you gotta communicate with the people or the beings up up there let them know that you're you're ready and available anyways welcome to another episode of don't blame me where we're going to give you some advice i am megan i'm joined by melissa diamond mott hell yes government name my government name is too fucking long i was gonna say you don't need to give your government name no no no no don't give them don't we don't even give them that this is a podcast where we give you advice and we listen to your voicemails we listen to your voice memos and also as of

recent, we will read aloud the messages that you send via DM or email about the predicaments in your life. So if you would like to call in and leave us a voicemail, you can send it to 310-694-0976. International listeners, you can send us a voice message at meganpodcast at gmail.com. And for the other written versions, send it to the same email address or slide into our Instagram dms and yeah everything has to be under three minutes if you are recording with your voice with the speaking and under 300 words if you are writing it down we do ask that you're 18 or over have your parents permission include your pronouns if you would like and your age please if this is about something that involves anyone else their ages if you want to include their pronouns as well

tell the story set the stage so you know give us all the information we need to give you the best possible advice. Otherwise we have to guess and we can sometimes fill it in with not the right thing. And, you know, despite being hilarious, funny, gorgeous, smart, and fantastic, we also want to give you good advice. So the better call, voice memo, or write-in that you submit to us, the higher likelihood we have of giving you advice that's actually helpful, which is what we want to do. Yeah. And we've had recently a few people call in and they haven't given us ages and those are vital to giving advice so please give us your ages give us your ages how old are you just imagine there's just like little miniature versions of us there as you're writing it down

and we do recommend everyone writes it down and then if you're going to record a voice memo or voicemail read it out loud practice make sure it's under three minutes but that way you can collect all of your thoughts together so you're not like recording it and then be like oh shit i forgot to say this or i didn't include this we want to help you and we'll help you and how how do you want to be helped so like you can also include like hey i'm really sensitive or you can say i'm feeling petty and chaotic and then it's like okay cool like we will cater our advice to that because like not everybody's trying to win a nobel peace prize some people are just trying to get through the day i'm definitely not trying to win nobel peace prize yeah we've already

got like three of them so i just think it's would be unfair if like we because like i'm losing space on the wall to like hang these things like there's so many and i think other people deserve a shot you know you hang your nobel peace prize i actually hang everything from the ceiling i think i hang all of my awards and then there's also lasers and i walk into the room and if someone came to steal it they would have to they'd have to like duck and and and squat and jump over all of my lasers i was just asking because the nobel peace prize is like a bitcoin i mean i think the idea of hanging all of your awards from a ceiling are really fucking funny because it kind of looks like what is a trap like it's a booby trap like so you step in the wrong thing and then suddenly

you have all of these like large metal very angular heavy things falling on you it's kind of fun get crushed by awards this is my award season that's how i want to go i want to be drowning in my own accolades i feel like that's perfect in case you don't know you can now listen to the show ad free on patreon if you don't want to just watch ad free we have a patreon sign up it is as low as one dollar month as much as six dollar month for now might be adding some new things soon but if you sign up now and you want to listen ad free just connect it to your spotify there's a whole link and i want to give shout outs to a few people from our patreon our newest members oh we love a newbie devon devon shanna or shana i'm not sure how's apologies s-h-a-n-a

i would say shanna or shana shanna and jess yes also twice a month we do live streams where you can come hang out it's not formal in any type of way we just chill and chat if it is your first time though melissa will haze you a little bit in the kindest way of being like where are you from what's like tell us all about you and it's so fun to see the people who have like watched previous live streams and like seen it happen and they're like they know it's coming but everybody's like so kind and so nice and you know it's good vibes and then final final thing of you know house cleaning we've opened our facebook back up yes our facebook group so if you would like to join our facebook you can go we had it

shut down for a while because it was just a lot going on but we've opened it back up if you've applied before and you didn't get in in the last few months and you applied we haven't really been letting people in just because there's a lot going on in the world and so we weren't letting new people in so we cleared all those so come back reapply and we'll vet you to see if you can get in now yeah so yeah if you applied in the last like i think we even had ones from like a year and a half ago the very very bottom that doesn't mean that like you know you're not going to get in because we just literally deleted all of the requests for the facebook group so reapply yeah and the facebook group is free free 99 free 99 you know people talk about things going on their

life that they need support on or recommendations for things you know people will be like oh i gotta go to this concert this day i'm selling extra tickets you know lots of different things and it's also very cool to see people who are like in similar areas and then they become real life friends too which or go to a different country and just meet up with people yeah shout out erica he's not fucking listening nope never the faggiest man there is i can just picture her face okay anyways anything else before we hop into changing some lives yeah that's it so we're gonna hop into changing lives right after this break gotta pay the bills

and we're back guard your lines so this whole story plays out over the course of a year with me and a guy and we are both 19 years old we were randomly partnered for a mock trial a competition at uni and we were friendly and I found him attractive. He asked me for drinks a couple weeks later and I said yes but he never followed up with the time and place. We then went out at a club a couple weeks later and made out. We went home together but I was pretty drunk so I didn't invite him to my room. After that it seemed he wasn't too keen to talk to me again which I was a bit offended and confused by seeing as it was him who had asked me for drinks. We went out again and he made out with another girl in front of me so I decided to cut my losses and move on because

he clearly wasn't interested. I was a bit annoyed and upset but got over it after like two days. he then asked me for drinks again a couple weeks later and i said yes again nothing happened because he didn't follow up we entered another mock trial together this time purposely together and made it to the finals meaning that our prize was a networking dinner in the next big city to our university there was a ball where he showed interest talked to me saying we should go for drinks before the networking dinner saying his friends were hosting afters in their flat after the ball and i should come asking to dance with me etc i agreed to get drinks with him before the dinner but I was too tired after the ball to go to his flat he also didn't explicitly ask me to

come to his flat again he just said that he was going to his flat and then asked me where I was going so I found that it would have been a bit strange to invite myself after this we ran as executive officers of a club together and we won at the elections he asked me to join him at a women's event that he was running the next day and he was very flirty I agreed but he never followed up to text me the time etc I was annoyed because well no minute he was showing interest the next he didn't try hard enough and he was wasting my time I was emotionally invested but was down to hook up because he was fun intelligent and hot but if he clearly wasn't interested enough then he should just leave me alone and don't waste my time I asked him to come watch a movie in my room

before the networking dinner thinking that I was making it very clear what it was implying to hook up and thinking that either then it was going to happen or it wasn't and then I would just move on he came over and didn't make a move the whole time so we just chatted for an hour this was the last straw for me as the ball was in his court after I invited him over and I didn't think I could make it more clear we went to the networking dinner and he was almost rude and boring didn't ask me any questions etc which further solidified me being over him mind you we sat on a train for an hour together so then we went home for spring break for like five weeks where we didn't see or speak each other when we came back to uni we ran into each other on campus where he initiated a

hug which we don't usually do and asked to hang out again like last time referring to when we watched a movie but just talked i responded with and do what which clearly threw him off but i was so over it we had to meet up again to discuss plans for our executive roles where he asked me for drinks again. I again said yes because at this point I had nothing to lose as I wasn't invested anymore and I knew he wouldn't follow up. I told him to just text me the place and time and it goes without saying that he did not. It has now been summer break and I will see him again and work with him for the leadership of the club we're in. I'm curious on your thoughts because I am truly so confused whether he is just shy, expects me to follow up, or simply doesn't care

enough to follow up. I expect him to follow up if he made the plan and if he wanted to he would. I would still be interested in hooking up because I have nothing to lose and he is hot. does this man have amnesia it's either one or two things he's a fuck boy or he just wants to be your friend and i think it's more he just wants to be your friend and he's forgetful yeah and it does because it doesn't seem like he's like i don't think he's into you romantically or i don't i don't even think that he wants to like hook up and I think y'all need to have a conversation about what your intentions are do you want to have a friendship or you want to fuck or you want to just live in harmony in this

group you're both officers in this group so like do you want to mess that up by fucking I just think that y'all just need to you just need to cut your losses there's probably some other dude that you can be hooking up with that's hot and intelligent you're on a university campus can't be that hard and that's who you hook up with and this is just your friend that's forgetful and y'all might hang out and you might not yeah i i think like this is like with love like this is like so obviously like not true love so this to me i'm like when you keep saying like you know i i've got nothing to lose i'm like you need to be explicit then just being like why do you keep asking me to drinks and like literally never following up like you do realize you've done

like 30 times and then what does he say and then you say like okay you want to hang out again i invited you back to my place to like hook up and like you never made a move like are you like would you be down to hook up like yes like i'm cool either way but like that was what the implication was and so like i just want to make sure going into it we have the same intentions because i understand when you say i invited him over and like he didn't make a move and like i felt like that was like pretty obvious if i was in your position i would also feel like i made it pretty obvious but if I was in his position I don't think I would find it super obvious and so I can understand like when you have an idea of like how you want something to go and like especially when

it comes like sex like you feel like I'm being pretty fucking obvious and then if it doesn't like you know you get annoyed and you're like why like what do you mean but it's it's just if you are not laying it out like verbatim explicitly like any of those kind of cues or implications those are so personal and a lot of time people like you know you don't want to put yourself out there if that's actually not the vibe they're putting down and like there are far higher consequences from misreading a situation being sexual than misreading it not being sexual so like it's it's just it just can be nerve-wracking so I think like your mentality of like I've got like nothing to lose and like I'd be down to hook up I'm all for that but in order

to do that like you have to be like so explicit and like so communicative like when I had a fuck buddy like how we started being fuck buddies was like we found out that he told me that like he's like did you hear that like your ex and my ex like they're like talking or whatever and I was like what and I was like have they had sex and he was like no I don't know I go we should have sex before them and he was like okay do you want to come over and I was like sure like there's just something like if you wanted to be like a purely physical kind of like thing friends with benefits or anything of that sort like I don't think you can have the same sort of like demure like flirtatious like oh like will they want the kind of a thing there because like your friends like

you have to communicate like how this is going to go yeah but I also do think you have something to lose because it can be weird because y'all are both running this club so you can't get to and like you can't i i you either you like hey i like hanging out with you i think you're cool like are you wanting to hook up or do you want to just be friends and just leave it at that like it shouldn't be just like a fuck him we're done type of thing yeah and for me what really sealed it in was like he made out with you and then the next week he made out with somebody else in front of you like i just don't think he's interested in you in that way yeah like and i think like you both need to be honest with yourselves like are you into each other in like a romantic way are

you into each other and like purely just like a sexual convenience way and are you cool with being fuck buddies with someone who is hooking up with other people or like dating other people because like no matter how good a fuck like how good of friends you are like that can sometimes be weird fuck buddy wise because like you need to both be on the same page with like you know sometimes your fuck buddies because like you don't have time neither of you have time to like make connections romantic connections with other people and like get to the point of having sex with them so it's like you're not really dating and like this is just like a purely physical thing we're friends like we get that sexual aggression out with each other it's great or it's people who

like you're both seeing and dating other people and this is something that is just like easy and casual but like you both have the same amount invested time and energy invested in it otherwise you do have to see him and like work with him so like if you want to pursue something that's physical I think you both also need to be on the same page of like what that physical thing is and what that emotional thing is because I just think this can go wrong more ways than it can go right and i would i would hesitate to just say like full throttle like go for it because you can like enjoy making out with someone and like having like a good time but like if you are someone who like can get the ick hooking up with him and like if you have sex with him and you get the ick you

still have to work with him like and i am someone who like you know i can make out with someone i can like kiss and then it's like i'm not but i don't know until we've had sex like i don't really know if like this is the vibe like if i like this if i don't and then if i don't like it and sex can be bad or not that bad but like it just it's just like we just don't match and we don't vibe and like it's not that that can be only from my side but now i have the ick and like i can never see you again i'm like you have to see him again though so and with all that said too sometimes college i mean sometimes uh summer break is kind of like a reset from things so everything we said can be completely different now like he comes back from college and you're like i don't like

that dude at all or he can be like oh i'm like really into you so um just fill out the situation get the vibes and then like if you're still unsure have these conversations that we're discussing like have y'all been talking have you been texting over the break because if you haven't then you just might like get there and look at and be like and like fuck buddies should be easy like it should be so easy like if there's any like oh well like i don't know like you should be able to communicate like you should be able to like literally be so fucking transparent with your fuck buddy about like nope a little more to the left a little more to the right like there's none of the you know the song and dance of whatever the romance aspect of it like if it is not convenient

easy simple straight to the point and good then it's not worth it like because you're putting all that time and energy into it when you could be meeting someone who you actually would like more than fuck buddies with or someone who like you can don't even have to put that much work into it and it's a much more fulfilling fuck buddy relationship so yeah i i think this can be uh like a fun way to like you know doodle and like you know daydream and like think about in class and stuff but you also don't need to act on it that's like a fun part about sexual tension all right next call Hey there, long time listener of the podcast. I honestly never thought I'd have an issue to call in for the podcast, but I am kind of in a situation. I am 22, and I'm in a relationship with a male, 23, and we live together.

We've been living together for almost a year and a half, almost two years, coming in the next month. The situation is I go to school. I met a girl. We became really good friends. she's 18 has a boyfriend who is in the military in Canada we both live in Canada and he kind of started a secret relationship and he basically came to visit and I didn't realize my feelings were as much as they were until I saw them together visiting when he came to visit in August so basically

we've been going me and her have been going through kind of a rough patch we don't really know where to go the relationships I'm here at the same time I feel stupid and like a teenager

for getting myself in a situation like this because I kind of feel like I was over that shit in life but I'm just looking for some advice because i don't know what's going on anyways i would love some help and some advice with the situation because i'm a little lost and there's more details i would love to provide if you need me thank you so much bye you still had a whole minute you could have provided more details

i don't think you wanted to because i don't i don't think you know i think you know it's they're not good it's not good and that's why you're calling because it's not a good situation that you've found yourself in with someone that you thought was just going to be a friend and it turned into more and i'm curious if you've been in a same-sex relationship before have you dated anyone another gal because that could be like do you do you publicly want to be with her or or is this you're holding on to the guy because you're like this is what i'm supposed to do in this world that we live in and especially if her partner primary partner i guess i don't know who's primary her other partner is in the military too yeah and like the choice of the word

secret relationship is like okay well who's it a secret from like we're not using the word cheating we're just saying secret like yeah is it it's like you're trying to cover it up so like just be honest with yourself who do you want to be in a relationship with both these people and if so are you open to having a conversation about being poly or having an open relationship and if not if you want to be monogamous who do you want to be a monogamous with or is it the thrill of sneaking around and cheating that you're excited about and you're like I don't want the other partner to ever know yeah you sound lost like you didn't say anything that you like about your boyfriend you didn't say anything you like about this other girl like the only thing that

you really said was like i feel stupid and like i feel like a teenager and like you sound really lost and i i think that you know whether you referred to secret relationship as like she's hiding it from her boyfriend and your boyfriend knows or both parties don't know the the reason why people blow up their own lives in this sense like you know you get yourself in a situation that you're like what the fuck do i do now like i like literally walked off of a cliff and now i'm like okay shit i have to deal with like what the fuck i i made this choice i did all that people do that because they're going through something like it has nothing to do with like it has nothing it's not that like she's so amazing and your boyfriend is so awful like it's just regardless of who they

each individually are as people is is irrelevant like you can blow up your own life when things are going badly or things are going great from anyone's perspective but like it's just about what you're going through with yourself at that point and to me this is like it's not like a huge age gap but it is very much kind of you know could be a foot in each world like living together with your partner at like 22 23 like that's pretty fucking young and then having someone who's like just starting their college experience or even if you know 18 year olds not just starting but like you know someone who is like you remember what you were like at 18 and what you were doing and it's kind of like I'm reminiscing about something that was a couple years ago and like who I was

and like who do I want to be and like where do I want to land like what kind of person do I want to be and it feels like you're trying to do both and see which one fits better that won't tell you like at all no one else can like tell you where you fit and like where you belong and like what you should be doing and like what you like and what you don't like like you have to figure that out and I don't think it's fair to anybody in the situation let alone you to like do all of this because this will take up all your time like this is like a headache this is a lot this is like a full fucking plot like this is this is a storyline this is an arc this is like multiple episode this is a season finale this is a premiere like this is like it's a lot to deal with and in my perspective

when you when you like throw all of this shit in your life at one time to me it is just like it becomes an impossible web that you cannot untangle and usually you do that on purpose because like you need a reason to be done with everything you need a reason to like break end the relationship and the situation ship like the cheat and all of that stuff to like figure out you figure out what you want because we don't always consciously fuck up our lives it's a lot of subconscious things but for me when I've done that like not doing this but like when I've put myself in situations where I go this was so no one made me do this like I literally walked straight into this and like now I'm being like surprised face I have to deal with the fucking

consequences it's because i found it easier to it was a lot harder for me to just like be honest with my emotions and my feelings and like step back from things that weren't serving me or that like were not good for me and instead i needed to make it a dramatic spectacle like instead i needed to make it whether like you feel like you need to punish yourself whether it feels like you need to whatever it is like not have a way out like hurt someone so badly that they don't take you back or they don't forgive you but all of this to me is just like a cry for help of like i'm don't know what i'm doing and like i'm just like not happy and like you don't even sound like you're enjoying any part of this she did say that she liked the gal more than she realized yeah but you also only

like once you saw her with someone else and like that to me is like not necessarily you like I just can't I don't know I like I can't understand how that would work because you go home to someone every night who you live with and then it's like what do you mean you're shocked that like when she it's just I wonder if when you look at your life and like the role that you're playing in this like if this was your friend would you be supportive of this and like what would you if this was your friend in this situation what would you think why they'd be doing this like if it was me like i'd be like oh you are not ready to be in a relationship right now like you know you're working through some some stuff and i don't know what year you are in school

but like if you're starting to like towards the end of it like if it feels like oh shit i have to go into like the real world and i'm still feeling like i don't know how to be an adult like and i don't have this whole like this stuff figured out and like i want more time it can feel like you're trying to put down roots in places with people who you know keep you stuck in a certain idea you have of yourself and and your life and both of these feel like two very conflicting versions of life that you want to to lead one's like a secret like relationship with an 18 year old who's still in college and then the other is like with your live-in boyfriend like those are very different lives so my question is what is your end goal with all this when you

think about your life and a year from now what do you see and if it's still like being in what is ideal like do you want do you just enjoy the excitement of the secrecy or do you want to be with your partner or do you want to be single and explore yourself and figure things out like I just I just I you're definitely confused you're definitely confused I don't think there's any question to that but like what is it that you want yeah and if your end goal is to be happy with like I say this candidly you don't sound happy at all in like any of the situation and whatever you decide and whatever you want to do you can't change the origin of this like this will be the story and it might not be how it ends but you're not going to be able to erase

how you got here and when you factor in like what you want remember that remember that like this is the origin story for whatever journey you want to take with either one of these people if they're involved in that they also have their own agency if they want to be but like you can't erase him and have met her first it didn't happen like with this story and how this is like Melissa said like how do you see the how do you want this to play out like in the practicality of it and are you going to tell him and also you have to remember that like this is a secret um I know I'm just going based on what you said but like my implicate like I'm thinking this is a secret relationship for this is cheating you're both cheating on your partners you don't know that she wants to

end it with her partner and also like do you trust that like this do you trust like the foundation of that as a relationship in in that way like when you take away like you said you take away the excitement of it like what are the feelings there and like what's the longevity of those feelings there therapy and communication all right we're gonna take a break all right we're back from our break and we've got a write-in hell yeah yeah ready yeah yeah hey guys so basically my ex 27 and i 24 broke up for about two and a half months after being together for one and a half years we just recently got back together but i'm not sure how to navigate this with my family i told my mom we were quote unquote talking again

and she reacted by telling me to tell him that her and my dad hate him now they hate him basically because he broke my heart and he acted out very badly once telling me to fly home while we were on vacation while he was oh wow he was blackout drunk i love him so much when we spent the last month working to working through a lot of our issues before getting back together i see a future with him wholeheartedly and i want my family to be accepting of him i'm not sure how to tell my family without allowing it turning negative or them trying to talk me out of it i will not be changing my mind so it really would just hurt my feelings any advice is appreciated thank you am i wrong for standing with the family no i'm with the family so this is gonna be i don't

want to hurt your feelings but this is the life lesson in which we don't exist in a vacuum and things that happen to us other people can have like thoughts and feelings about and if you share information with people they don't have to forgive people like you can forgive him and like move on with your relationship but like they're gonna pass judgment and like they might say something they might not like they might try and convince you but like you don't get to dictate how people respond to the information that you give them at all no if one of my sisters was in this situation and they got back together with somebody that talked to them like this and i'm guessing this probably isn't the worst thing that you even told us yeah then i would be like the fuck you aren't

like no this is not did he apologize did he apologize to them has he changed how much changing can you do in um two and a half months um does he realize what he did was wrong he's too old for this that was my next thing is that he is 27 and acting like uh i won't even say a child he's 27 and is so emotionally immature i just don't think that this is somebody that you should be with unless they put in real work and when you tell i believe that like if you're close to your family you should tell them things you know for your own safety because he doesn't seem like somebody that would be that's uh safe to be around um but like you should expect this from people that have heard the worst in somebody you say you won't be changing my mind so i don't know what

advice you want from us because i stand with your family yeah i i do too like is he sober is he getting sober because like this is not enough time for him to have gone through you know have a good amount of sobriety under his belt and like make amends and go through all of that and prove to you by showing not like saying or promising but like by time and actions and like seeing it happen to that he's changed and you're taking him on his word really and like that's your prerogative like you are totally entitled to do that but then you are asking other people to take him on your word that he has given you his word like that dilutes from person to person like it's just if he's serious about this and you're serious about this then like you have to know and

you know should be happy that you have people in your life who like Melissa like really care about you like you wouldn't want to be this person to somebody else where it's just like oh they treated them so badly but like I still want them to be together like oh my god that's fucked like you would like you would be so that would not feel good you wouldn't want to do that to like someone you care about and you're getting defensive for him on his behalf when like that to me just doesn't bode well because then it becomes you and him versus your family when like you don't like what he did to you either like you and your family have the same feelings about what he did to you and so he should be proving by example that he's changed and he's different and you know he

won you back and so you should have faith that he can win them back based on actions but if you don't have faith in that then I don't think he actually really like you know quelled any worries or changed much at all like I think it's not about him and his behavior I think it's about you really want it to work and so you're putting the work in and so then you're also putting the work in to make your family cool with it because he's not actually putting any work in so follow up with us in six months yeah and if everything is like really truly great and amazing and wonderful like it will speak for itself like you don't have to do any of that and also if you need your like ask yourself why you need your family's acceptance and is it because like you trust their judgment

and then then trust their judgment yeah this sounds like you're in the thick of a toxic relationship so sending you love wishing you well and wishing prompt and concise clear clarity for you clear clarity exactly as opposed to opaque clarity well i guess clear it you could want it to be a high contrast opaque situation or you could want to be totally translucent okay i don't know hey megan and melissa i love you both so much i'm dating this guy who i've known for several years but then we hooked up this summer he's my friend's ex they dated probably five years i thought it had been a long enough time between them dating so i told her she told me i was an awful person and that she couldn't believe i did that to her

and she would have never done it to me she blocked me everywhere the guy is officially my boyfriend and i am very happy with him but i miss my friend how do i make up with her bitch be so fucking for real right now like bitch you're you're like be serious say it with your whole fucking you're kidding me you're fucking i need to know your ages i need to know your ages like did she date him when are you 20 now and she dated him when y'all were 15 like or are y'all like 20 no no wait they dated probably five years ago they dated five or they dated for five years gotcha gotcha still i do need to know your ages but five years is a long fucking time no no like they were practically married half of a decade and you that's why age is so important

for this like it's so well you could have been dating from the time that you were 13 to 18 and that's like still i'm like no i know but you can't do that without like but then i'm like if it was like 13 to 18 and then go like 29 then that's different you know no that's like dating your that's because no matter what it's like because if you i'm not it's not like you didn't start dating in elementary school but like at a certain point like that is your high school boyfriend like you dated through all of high school but my thing is like like y'all knew each other but then like you went away like maybe you went away from college you ended up in the same city like if it was like 13 to 18 then that's one thing but either way you don't do this to

somebody that's your friend and then say that i miss them you have to you have to tell your friend like it's first it's wrong either way but you should say like hey is it cool if i go out is it cool if i go out with him because at least you're asking like a question before but like you've hooked up and this is officially your boyfriend and then you tell your friend and she's mad at you and then blocks you on everything what did you expect like truly you you thought that she would just be mad and then you know just like get up like she'll be mad for a second and she'll get over it later what like you kept a whole ass secret relationship with her ex like this is absolutely mind-boggling to me like you are digmatized that you thought this was

gonna go any other way than it did like if you wanna if you wanna play a fucking rom-com and like yeah let's set the stage like like melissa's saying that like that you know move away to college or you graduate college whatever it is and you and your friend don't end up in the same city you end up in the same city as her ex if you want to hang out with him even if they're on good terms you say saw him at a party like let me establish from the very beginning so like you know that there's no funny business happening and like we are keeping this completely transparent because like there will be feelings there like and depending on like what ages they were i'm like that could be the first person that they had sex with like that could

have been their first kiss like that could have been their first love it could have been so many like representative things and you would keep in the loop there and then you would say from the very beginning before you ever got feelings like we i say this all the time but like people who date my friends they no longer are sexual beings they do not have genitalia like i do not see them like that and if i'm going to undo all of that that is conscious work and effort that i have to put in so like when you see him out and you're like oh like we're either hanging out being friends anything like that you share that with your friend to make sure and ask before you are invested if that's cool with them like you and if i'm the friend i'm thinking oh she's always had

feelings for him yeah because you have because you have i think you have and i i would like to know about your friendship and if this was like a you felt like a slightly competitive friendship and you feel like you know she won x y and z and like you she owes you this one like this one is like that because this feels like competitive like i would never like i wouldn't even like it wouldn't even be it would be hard for me to do this like it wouldn't i would have to like try really really hard and it would be purely out of like spite like i'm not falling for someone my friend like and also like assuming that you were either friends at the time that they dated so you watched their whole relationship shady as fuck or it's like a college relationship and you like

didn't even know them also shady as fuck like it's just not how your brain is programmed this i'm gonna tell you i'm gonna tell you about me being a shady person back in my younger days so so i had somebody that i dated in college and after i'd known him for a while i met some of his friends and one of his friends was fucking hot and i was like it's always tough and you're like damn yeah why didn't i meet you first uh-huh and i could tell that he was into me but i never did anything and then when i moved to la guess where he lived too and so we hung out well actually it wasn't even we were text messaging and he invited me to his birthday and then as soon as i got to his birthday party it was like peace out we're going to fuck

like it was but i was no longer talking to that dude he was no longer talking to his friend but it was it was always in the back of my mind that this could happen like you are you are him you're the boyfriend the situation but yeah I know but I'm just saying it's still messed up that I always had in the back of my mind that I wanted to hook up with that guy and then when the and then when the opportunity arose I did but like you wouldn't have done that with a friend that's the other thing like you don't do that with a friend no i have a actually in the same group there's a there's a guy that dated my friend and i knew he was always into me and i was like i'm not even attracted to this dude but he also came to la a few times and he was trying to

hook up and i said no because that was her man yeah like if you told me there's like i don't know the italian mob has has taken me there are two dozen guns pointed to my head and they say pick one of your friend's men to fuck i would go shoot me quick my guy like there is just i'm literally like thinking like and i'm disgusted thinking about it absolutely disgusted so like you would have to literally put my life on the line actually i got one but how close are you but how close are you exactly exactly and i'm not gonna be like i miss my friend no you know i fucked your man i fucked your man there were there was gun pointed to my head and that's how i know we weren't that good of friends because i chose to fuck you like

that's the thing i'm like you literally can't have everything and i think like not to psychoanalyze you but i'm gonna do it i think that this to me reads as someone who thinks their friend has everything and that like this is how like people operate through life and so then you're doing it and then you're like surprise pikachu phase like what do you mean like that this is like no like this isn't how life works like you can't treat people like this and then expect a round of applause a standing ovation what can i buy you from your registry like you are lucky that like you didn't get your ass fucking beat like i want to tell you if i was in the same city like i would i would throw a fucking punch like i would lose my mind is your friend in

a relationship are they single it doesn't matter i just want to know it doesn't change anything that i've given but i just want to know can your friend because like because then that could have been like but i think if she was you would have been like you would have said it because you're like i don't know why she's mad because she's been in a relationship no this is like i in middle school like had a crush on the same guys as girl that I was like kind of friends with and like when I tell you I'm in the back of the I'm like literally I'm in the back of like the car like driving home from school and I'm literally like thinking in my head hmm okay who do I like more and I was like I like the guy more I knew having a crush on this guy was gonna be like yeah I'm

not gonna be friends this person anymore and we were never friends again and like I ran through but there was i was not being like did you say you got ran through did you just say you got ran through but you did say i ran through i'm like running through the options in my head and i'm just like no like you know i'm i'm i'm gonna risk it for this but like we were never friends after that and like it's just like the audacity to believe that you can just puppeteer a situation to like benefit you and then think everybody else is going to be a-okay completely game for it and like just happy like and also the part that isn't really killing me is she walks me everywhere the guy's officially my boyfriend and i'm very happy so in my mind you told her that you were dating

him this was her reaction and then the next day he's like let's make it official babe and you're like i'm here for it like it's just like what the fuck like this is like you picked you picked and hopefully you're happy with it if you miss her y'all have to be such close friends too well that's insane i know because like there's like there's like even in that situation i was talking about with my friend like i don't even i don't talk to her and so like i talked to her more than but like i wouldn't like necessarily miss her because i wasn't really talking to her things happening in your day-to-day life like there's not like these occurrences where you're like oh i would be doing this with like it's not like you continually go through the day and you're

reminded because you would be spending it with her like you're not a good person i'm sorry but like i'm not maybe this was your your soulmate but like you gotta realize that you are the villain yeah like no one is rooting for this person to fucking win there is a better way to go about this and you went into it in the worst possible way there were like 10,000 ways to go about it and you literally picked the worst one i also think you hate your friend or you're always jealous and you finally got what you wanted okay that's the end of our episode i'm unwell this was a great episode i'm so unwell like i can't get over it well here we are living in our unwillingness together surviving despite it all wow i'm just gonna say i'm really happy we opened

this up to write-ins because i think people are sharing their truth they are sharing their truth they don't have to go whisper somewhere so let's say you know it's it's speak your truth even if your voice shakes and they said i'm just gonna type it out yep i'm gonna just type it out enough to that i say thank you thank you for your service yeah so uh call us back everybody call us everybody call us back or write back and give us an update and just let us know how things are going yeah and if you're afraid of us you don't have to send it create an anonymous i'm pretty sure a lot of these people create anonymous i'm gonna say and then if you want to create an anonymous one just like you know let us know what the original account name was

so we can verify it's you and then yeah we'll take what a messy time i appreciate this yeah so thank you so much thank you all so much i'm not even kidding i loved it me too okay well call us beep us write us and uh we'll get back to you and stay messy stay messy y'all this is great we've got a full slate of shows for this week tomorrow we've got see you next tuesday thursday we've got when am i wrong and then friday we have fisting friday so join us we love to be caressing your ear holes it's our favorite activity so we do it four days a week all right well have a blessed day and stay messy Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks.

And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter.