Don't Blame Me! - Mom Used a Slur

Episode Date: October 17, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Sleeping in a twin bed with your boyfriend Dating a gun owner 4-person living situation Racist mom Don't Blame Them - Having sex "late" Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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we have some exciting news was that exciting enough for you that was pretty fucking exciting i'm really excited we're stoked this has been something that we've been working on for so long and it probably won't make a huge difference to you but just know that symbolically this means a lot to us it does we're holding hands right now we're not don't lie to them they're better than that both of our arms are literally crossed we're on the exact opposite end of the couch as we always are so we are taking um a leaf out of the book of shondaland and we are expanding our multiverse and by expanding our multiverse we're taking our two shows that we have our we have this show that you're listening

to this feed don't blame me swear you come for your don't blame me episodes we have another podcast but am i wrong and you said our another podcast we have our other podcast but am i wrong and up until now it has been existing and its own little quarter it's had its own little thing and we want to streamline it we want to not have you have to go between feeds we don't want you have to like go somewhere else to subscribe we want to i mean this is the beginning of our process of world domination and coming to you seven days a week we're we're we're pretty close we are and we this is it's not an accident it's a plan it's a plan we've been playing it for years actually we want to be a part of your everyday routine and we thought a great way to do that is to combine

feeds so all of the episodes of but am i wrong are going to be here as well and i promise it won't be confusing we're going to be using the but am i wrong artwork and the don't blame me artwork so on mondays you will see the cute little don't blame me logo and you're like oh no don't blame the episode and then you'll get the bonus app of don't blame me as you always do and then on thursday you're gonna get a brand new episode of but am i wrong and friday you can get fisting friday so you just have to subscribe here one place this one feed is going to be pushing out new content four days a week mega feed from megan and melissa it's like mega mind but podcast so nothing changes for you if you are already subscribed here if you're not

subscribe make sure you get those push notifications i get the push notifications so at midnight i'm laying in bed i'm like oh should i go to bed should i not go to bed i'm like actually i'm probably not even in bed and then i go new episode of don't blame me and i go fuck me i can go to bed yeah it's a great little reminder and um we're very excited we hope you're excited you don't have to do anything if you're already subscribed to the but am i wrong feed you don't have to like unsubscribe you don't have to do anything it's just going to be all here now so making it easier for all of you yeah to be fair you might not have even noticed but um this is big for us and so we want you to be excited for us because not we you need to make shonda

moments out of everyday life events she she's an icon she's always the moment i just i haven't had any new shondaland shows in like months and so i'm deprived but it's okay grace is coming back this week so i'm really excited but what's going back grace oh it is grace so the the show that started it all chop snip snip chop a chop all right bye bye hi hi hi how are you doing how are you doing this is like a sexy congested mucinex commercial oh oh but you're also kind of australian cool what is this yeah are you not gonna answer my question i said how are you oh i'm doing i'm doing i'm doing hot you're hot i hot so hot your nipple hot see this one's not though

why is that hey go watch the patreon and nope your right nipple isn't reactive oh it's kind of like inverted you know what i mean when you put a shirt on and it gets smushed there you go don't do that my nipples are always pointy hard and like people think they're hard but they're actually pointy so mine don't as someone who is constantly having hot flashes i get what i can only describe as like renaissance boobs where they're just like you know renaissance where it's always like these paintings of these like women with just like i don't want to say i hate the words but like like very rounded and very soft and you're like you just like look like you're in a painting the thing is you said

renaissance and now my mind goes to beyonce which you're looking at me going yeah where and where so i was here maybe that's the closest you got this is the closest i'm ever gonna fucking get there's like a a round of tiktoks going around now where people are like ha ha i told my uh partner that we're going to renaissance and then they end up at the renaissance fair so we're gonna give you some fucking advice okay buckle up gird your loins get nice and wet uh clean your ear holes turn down the volume make sure you're not listening in public if it gets sexual if anyone asks what you're listening to while you're laughing in your cubicle spread the wealth let them know about the podcast no one's gonna recognize your voice

of you called in yes this is a call and advice podcast so if you want to call in and leave us a voicemail so we can give you some advice help you out in your life leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 or international listeners you can send an audio message to meganpodcasts at gmail.com you have to keep both under three minutes we recommend we require actually we really do require you to write everything down that you're going to say practice a couple times time it out see that it's under three minutes cross out anything that is extra information add things in to make sure we can give you the best advice we need to like know the situation as much as possible and the important shit so if it's about dating how long have you been together

how old everybody is in the story it's all anonymous you can use fake names let us know your pronouns if you would like and 18 or over have your parents permission strictly enforced as you can from last week's episode legitimately strictly enforced and yeah you can watch the video version on patreon if you want to see our wonderful reactions how's your gatorade zero well they're not a sponsor of the podcast i will be so fun imagine they sponsor me who's like hi i'm getting really dizzy really and they're like sponsoring athletes who are like gotta drink the gatorade to replenish and then you just have me on my couch my legs elevate i gotta drink the gatorade because the blood pools in my legs and i get real dizzy no no i think it'd be great i

think so too this is the only flavor i can stand powery gal though the fuck is the difference it tastes different well i might be interested because i don't love the taste of this at all i can stand this one the lemon one i can i can choke down i don't love it anyone else any of the other ones are disgusting to me but i didn't drink it as a kid so it's very weird the red power the blue power it doesn't taste like the gator i just can't do red i don't like red flavor okay well they have one that tastes like exactly like fruit punch that's why i don't like you makes my teeth feel fuzzy it feels like but it feels like you as as a ham and cheese uh hawaiian roll like that feels like it would wash down real well with some fruit punch i'm gonna tell you

right now if they brought me to my grandma's house earlier i could have had a refined palate and enjoyed hawaiian fruit punch but no alas i didn't have it until i was i don't know elementary school age and by then she was screwed didn't like it i liked ginger ale no ginger ale's great as a child i i mean as an adult like ginger ale drink good but then as you get into the ginger beer which isn't actually beer it's just stronger actual ginger ale oh but i saw somebody making some on tiktok as i see the only thing i was like what are you gonna say and it seems really easy to make you just boil some ginger and then put some sugar in it and then put some um bubble water yeah yeah and i was like i'll probably make some for myself when i don't know yeah i just feel like it would

be it's gonna be better than i think root beer is also relatively simple in that way i don't a root but i think it's like a similar thing but i as a kid ginger is a root too that's what i mean i think like the ones that are like the og sodas like when it's like we have a seat when there's prunes in dr pepper it's like yeah i don't know how to make that there's a prune in there don't know how to make that as a kid i also loved on the east coast they had this thing called birch beer oh yeah oh my god i fucking loved it that was like my absolute favorite favorite loved it but i was also big ginger ale big root beer girl but ginger ale delicious anyways let's just get into the episode yeah roll the tape hi besties um here's some low stakes relationship shit for you

i 21 she they have been dating my partner 21 he they for two years we're living in different states while he goes to college and i work around our hometown we visit each other most weekends and i've been visiting his college town more often now that fool is back in session and everything's awesome. I'm really happy with him, but he has a twin-sized bed and he's a smaller individual. I am a fat person, like a mid-sized individual. And we sit on the bed. It's like fine, but there's not any wiggle room. And I get hot sometimes and I don't want to touch him, you know, love him so much. I offered to go have these with him on a bigger mattress, but he really doesn't want to. His parents just got him this twin-size bed in the past, like, year after he moved out of the dorms and into an apartment, and now he's in a house with roommates.

My new idea is to go have these on another twin mattress, and then we'll put them together. It'll make a king-size bed, get a king-size mattress topper to fill in the gap. So do you have any ideas on the bed situation? what would be a good compromise do you think my new idea is a good idea love the pod love ya let me know what you think I think you are like you think if you called in without you having this like original idea I don't think I I mean you might have come up with the second twin bed idea but I definitely would not have so I think you're far more resourceful than I am in this situation I would have been like you're getting a new fucking bed like I

understand the whole thing of like oh this is new why would I it works totally fine why would I not why would I get something else why would I spend money on this but it's not working fine like it literally only works fine when you're not there like is your partner comfortable do you mean like when you when you're both because sharing a twin bed is not comfy I haven't slept i slept in a twin bed in college but like and it was just my freshman year but before that i hadn't slept in one since maybe second grade and then after that i haven't slept in one since yeah i mean i remember i freshman year i started hooking up with a guy who had was a junior who lived in his own apartment and i was like i'm not sleeping in this fucking bed and then i think i slept

in i didn't sleep in my bed much in general but then when i did sleep in a twin bed of someone of my age it was so fucking tiny like it was like you can't yeah even like after my first semester freshman year my roommate left so i just pushed the beds together so lucky bitch like i've never shared a twin bed with anyone so i i guess this is like the norm even when i was hooking up with people in college like none of the people are hooking up with were in twin beds i i'm like straight up saying i don't know anybody who is not very very like child size like i didn't know anyone tall who was hooking up with anyone like everybody like it was like i'm not hooking with a freshman because i'm not hooking up in

dorm bed like i i don't the only people i know were like very very very short people who were like yeah i can hook up and then they're hooking with other short people me short person still no um but i mean i guess he likes it when you're not there but still like if you're traveling to see him because you live in different states and he's not being accommodating to you then i just think that's wrong yeah but um yeah i i get that you're not i mean there's not really advice here you're just asking do we think this is a good idea yeah great idea i think this is a really good idea i think if you want to be like fucking petty i would just be like if like you know them being like you know it's it this totally works fine there's like nothing wrong with it i think

okay i'm gonna sleep on the floor like are you cool with me just like sleeping on the floor because i'm assuming that some people are those people the second they get in like a 45 degree like angle they're passed out asleep and they're not same and i'm assuming you color maybe not like that like so maybe they're not awake to see that this actually is not working for you so i'd be like okay i am not gonna like i can't keep visiting like this is i'm and also sleep is so fucking important you're like i'm losing out on all of this sleep like i'll just sleep on the floor like are they okay with that i think like if they don't want to get a brand new mattress sure but i think two twin mattresses is a good compromise but if you have to get a new bed frame

why is maybe they're gonna put the mattress on the floor oh okay i don't know it might just be cheaper just to get if it's gonna be a king mattresses well no it's gonna say so if you put two twin twins together that becomes a king and so things are more expensive with a king like sheets are more expensive like some of these other things are more expensive and then when you eventually buy a bed frame like not in college then you're buying a king size bed frame which is more expensive or you can like split up and use two twin mattresses so like is this going to be a solution for how long and how much is the cost going to be a solution for that because i think right now if you upgraded to like a queen or a king that's a lot of costs up front but you could

use it for potentially a lot longer versus now i think it's been gonna be cheaper but then it might be a little bit more expensive later on down the road and also size wise it might be hard to find a first apartment that can fit a king-size bed maybe this might be another compromise if he's not down for this when you're visiting have an air mattress yeah i just think that like yeah if they care about you they can't know they have to be like literally asleep and not understanding that this is like not working out because this will like literally create a mattress-sized wedge in your relationship yeah so i think that you have a great compromise that you've brought up and like a great idea and i think you both look at the budgets of

what you can do now what how much is going to cost you now and then how much it will cost in the future versus how much it would cost just to upgrade one yeah right now too so do you have to buy beds in college if he's living in an apartment yeah well it was i think they bought bed lat oh maybe for some reason i thought it was like they bought a bed because dorms you have to have them yeah but i thought she said that he lived he was after he moved out of the dorms and into an apartment so he's in an apartment with housemates now so he didn't have he bought a new bit when he moved into the apartment were you dating then what were they dating then i think so because that yeah two years yeah i'd be like why'd you buy a twin because his parents bought it i

know his parents aren't thinking about them banging well that's what i would say is this a cape room for jesus thing so then are you gonna have to hide the other one when he comes i mean when like when his family comes because if that's the case if it's like the twin was bought they knew you were together and it was intentional get the air mattress get the air exactly and then store it in a closet yep yeah exactly exactly that's a good point all right now for the next call whoo hi Megan and Melissa before I get into it I do just want to give a trigger warning for discussion of guns in my call I'm 23 and I use she her pronouns the other person in this story is 25 and uses he, him pronouns. We'll call him Steve. Steve and I had been talking since the end

of July after a meeting for mutual friends. We hit it off on the first night we met and as we got to know each other, I saw him show up for me as such a kind and supportive person who also embraced my silly goofy side. I just felt like I'd known him forever. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago, we were on a camping trip with friends and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I let him know that that was what I wanted, but that it was also important to me to have a bigger conversation about what we both wanted and needed within the relationship. We went on to have an honest conversation about our respective mental health struggles and communication styles which to me just confirmed that we were on the same page about our priorities. Steve then said that he had

something serious to share with me that I should know about before getting into a relationship with him. He went on to tell me that he owns guns, three that are located under his bed in space and five more that he keeps at his dad's house. He said that he's grown up around guns and that the majority of the ones he owns are for different types of target practice specifically. However, he does have some sealed carry permit and will sometimes carry his pistol while walking or driving his car. He had never carried around me, to be clear. The idea of someone close to me being armed in everyday life feels uncomfortable to me and isn't something I've had any personal exposure to. We, of course, went into a discussion of gun control, and he attested that he's in

support of it and has done work to unpack and understand the harmful impacts of the lack of gun reform in the U.S. For context, he identified as a gun socialist during this conversation as well. My thoughts about his gun ownership became increasingly negative the more I sat with them, so we ended things two days ago after having another long discussion about it. My gun schema centers heavily on guns as tools of oppression, where they are linked to white supremacy and nationalism and through conservative ideologies that I seek, seek, ask, and vote against. Now I'm questioning if I was too quick to write off this relationship based on that association. I don't know if it's fair to loop his practices in these greater issues so long as he continues

to check his privilege and advocate for systemic change. I'm torn between wanting to be with Steve, who I really saw a future with, while also wanting to ensure that my actions and decisions align with issues i care about bottom line is there such a thing as ethical gun ownership i'm also a scentsy virgo i know this is a heavy one but i also know y'all will tell me what i need to hear thank you both i think there is such a thing as ethical gun ownership but i also think that you don't have to want to end up with someone who owns guns like i think those things can exist like i believe that there are people who are ethical gun owners like but i also don't want to date someone who has a gun like in those yeah things can both be true yeah i growing up in the south

everybody has a gun like even no matter where what party you belong to everybody has a gun i my grandmothers have guns like they have shotguns and things that were but there i i have a problem with uh military grade guns that people have i don't have a problem with responsible gun owners that might have them for hunting that might have them for you know they might have them for protection but they're locked away and they're kept safe like i i grew up around guns and i don't have an issue with people that go to gun rages that keep them locked up that don't have automatic rifles like i'm fine with guns i don't think that you know having a gun necessarily makes you a bad person no i i agree with all of that i think like i view guns in a very similar way

to i like how i feel about like drugs like there it's just something that like i'm not comfortable being around and it doesn't make i don't think you're a bad person like i don't think like less of you or anything like that and it might not even be like there's an exact reason why i can describe why it makes me feel the way that I do. I mean, I think guns are a little bit more easier to describe than like drugs when you're not partaking in them. But there are some things that just it's just not for me. And it's not even just for me not to participate in. It's I'm on high alert and my body is not like calming down. Like my body just knows that I'm not I just can't relax. Like I just can't 100 percent feel comfortable. And this is just not something

that I want to think about like I don't want to think about this in my day-to-day life and I think that's great that he told you and the reason why he told you is because that's a it's a valid answer to be like I don't think any less of you of this but yeah that is I'm not really I'm not I don't want to date someone who has a lot of who has guns or is like in has like permits and ends up carrying them or anything like that like it's just not it's just not it and like you don't even have to tie it to you said you're like your associations with like guns being used as oppressive tools and white supremacy and all of that yes but it also again doesn't even have to be that like they are literally dangerous weapons and some people are more comfortable around those than other people

and that doesn't mean everyone needs to be comfortable and everybody needs to like embrace it and it also doesn't mean that nobody needs to be comfortable and nobody needs to embrace it like you're just two different people and I do think like fundamentally this is compromising your comfort and I don't think this is right for you and I do also think that like maybe if it was the exact right person part of me I'm saying if it was the exact right person for you he wouldn't own guns and like it wouldn't even be a question but then a part of me also goes or maybe this wouldn't have read raised red flags in you like i just think that like you need to listen to your intuition about everything but specifically about things like this which have

like a direct response to not only like your morals and like your like ethics but also like your safety right and i don't feel safe around a gun you don't feel safe from that i don't feel safe around like have owning one for myself and having it but i knew that when i was going to my grandparents house there were going to be guns there yeah we knew what rooms not to go into like they were very like they taught us about the guns so like we knew what they were we knew not to touch them but like they're like that that to me is someone that's responsible with guns yeah and he seems like he is he is that and i think that like hopefully when he has kids like grandkids he'll do all of that same stuff but i also think at a certain age if you didn't grow up with it

it's I don't want to say it's like too late to get comfortable but you're you're resisting your body's natural gut instinct to be like I don't like this and I don't ever think that's a good idea to uh ignore that feeling so ethical gun ownership totally exists but that has doesn't have anything to you don't have to have anything to do with that that can be like a very separate part of other people's lives that's how i view it i'm like yeah i know people who like they i don't like hunting but like i know people who go hunting and they know that i'm not a fan and i don't ever want to hear about it but i'm gonna eat the bounty yeah and also like i'm not gonna like be like i can't be friends with you anymore i don't respect you and they respect me and knowing

that i don't want to hear about it and that it makes me really uncomfortable and that they would never have anything around for that like you know yeah it's like seeing people who are afraid of blood like it's like one of those things is just being respectful of everyone's boundaries but you don't have to change your boundaries because i don't that isn't yeah you're not compromising your morals so yeah all right let's take a break hey we're back on to the rest hi i just called in but my call was kind of messy so i actually wrote it down and going to give more context so i am 21 female my roommate maria as a fake name is 21 female we're both she her our boyfriends both he him bob is 21 male and maria's boyfriend

and my boyfriend mark is 21 male so basically me maria signed the lease as her boyfriend is long distance but they've been dating for three years and are from the same small town However, he went to a different school for his program, but is planning to move here next year under the context that he would have to go back to school for four months to finish some courses, but he would have co-op here. Due to this, she would have to move out, and I brought the idea to her that me and Mark, Mark lives at home, would be open to living with her and Bob. I've met him multiple times and I've been friends with this girl for almost two years so we do get along and like I said we're already living together I just want your opinion on if this would be a bad idea

obviously it would be based on when we can financially both afford to all to split up as couples as the problem is where we live is very expensive especially after COVID situation so she's expressed to me that she's just worried that they won't be able to financially afford it and she would be open to living with us. I've also been feeling a fear of abandonment, so I'm not sure if me agreeing to potentially doing this, which I wouldn't have to commit until maybe December or January, I'm not sure if this is a good idea or if I'm letting my fear of abandonment get clouded by judgment.

So I just want to hear your thoughts. Let me know if you think this is a good idea. What do you think I should do? Should I just split up and find a new roommate to live here? I don't like the idea of moving, but I wouldn't mind because we wouldn't move far because we like the area we live in right now. I love the podcast. I've literally been listening for almost two years, and I'm so grateful to have found it.

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All right, thank you. Only two. I'm curious where you found it. Yeah, me too. Let us know. Thanks for being here. Yeah. Found it in the pandemic.

peak pandemic times peak pandy we're the pandy podcast well you might have missed other episodes where we've talked about rooming with friends and rooming with friends that are unsure of their financial situations yeah you upped the ante on this one yeah um no no no it's the worst idea anyone has ever had like this is no no absolutely not absolutely like so so not um i'm a little confused at the beginning it seemed like this was your idea and then it seems like um fear of abandonment like making me like say yes to this and it's like so was it your roommate's idea because if it actually was your roommate's idea and i didn't miss here that the beginning it sounded like you proposed it as your idea to me that means you probably don't really want to do

it and like your roommates has been trying to talk to you in a way that now you're starting to think it was your own idea but me I could completely be off base on that but I think that the fear of abandonment I don't know that that is this to me this kind of just seems like fear of change and that's totally normal and like really like wanting to like make it work so you've got a good thing going on you don't want to change that up especially I mean a lot of people don't like change but also especially the last couple years that we've had it's really nice to have something steady and consistent especially because you are in school and so I can imagine having a really nice home environment when you're spending way more time at home than you are on

campus usually I think that it's probably a scary thing that this might not be exactly the same thing but like Melissa said like you have so many different things here you have like living with a friend which you it seems like maybe you were roommates and then you became friends totally fine encourage it you don't and then the way around no nothing don't move in with a friend and then hope that they can become a roommate it's not how it works and then moving in with your boyfriend who already lives at home who's saving money and is now gonna have a new financial strain that's brand new for your relationship and then you add on her boyfriend yeah but it's too many too many different things that can go wrong here especially because it doesn't seem like

anyone's ever lived with a partner before and that is like people have their first big fucking fights like it's the time where like you have a fight with your partner and you can't like just not respond enter your phone like you're there like also it's just not might not be your finest moments and it might not be something that like you want other people to like witness and experience and you also might not feel comfortable being super honest in your relationship because you're so hyper aware either you're going to be hyper aware of the roommates and it's going to affect your relationship or you're not going to be aware of the roommates and that's going to affect your relationship with the roommates yeah and also like when people fight like when it's between

two couples as long as they're not a terrible person like you sometimes fight about things that are bad in the moment but you're able to forgive yourself but then if you have your friends listening in on it good point and then they're gonna think negative thing they could possibly think negative things about you and or your partner and then things that y'all were able to forgive and forget and move on they're not going to be able to do the same thing yeah they're no longer judging you based on your interactions them and your friendship it's based on like them observing and hearing you with a different relationship yeah like yeah you also might like end up hating your friend like you like it I don't even mean just for your relationship but like you

could not enjoy you and your partner to be completely fine but like her and her boyfriend could completely implode and like that's horrible and then you're kind of in the middle and like no it's just no and you live in a high cost of living area so then finding a place that's like two bedroom is gonna be it's gonna be small like it's going to be small so you're really on top of each other i think if you're gonna live with a lot of people i think you need to have like either you have two rooms and it's two people who live there or i think you need to start getting up to four and there's four rooms that four people live like it needs to because like then you have a bigger living space you have a bigger kitchen but like a two-bedroom place

for four people is gonna feel in a high cost of living area which i don't know where it is but in los angeles a two-bedroom apartment for two couples is not big enough yeah it's just it's just so not so if then to save up even more money to have a place that's just more spacious and bigger you're gonna be spending up like just a fuck ton of money when you would at that point like you would have much more space for uh one bedroom but it also seemed like your other all your other option wasn't just moving in with your boyfriend it was you finding a different roommate so that makes me think that like you're really you're not even ready to move in together if it's just you two i just don't this is just a bad idea all around also on top of that the money issue too

which yeah if you move in with somebody and they're not able to pay their rent then you are responsible for paying the rent because you're all in the lease i think you should find other roommates um and i don't even think that you should just move in with your boyfriend right away either because he's never lived on his own either didn't even sound like that was an option no so i think everybody i don't i don't under i also don't understand like the friend the four months away yeah yeah i don't know so so it seems like the boyfriend they've been long distance for three years he's gonna move there but then he needs to like finish four months of school at a certain point and it seemed like so she has to move out too so i don't really get i

don't understand why she has to move out is it just that he's coming here and so like she wants to live with him and so move out from without you but like it also they can't to me this seems like they can't afford to live on their own and so she wants you and your boyfriend to come in so they can afford it yeah something like that yeah this is just like it's just a really really really bad idea like you could lose your friendship and your relationship and like uh that's not worth it not worth it all right next call hi megan and melissa so i am a 26 year old woman uh pronoun she her i am also mixed black and white my dad is black and my mom is white um they are separated and both remarried so i'm talking about my biological mother um recently my boyfriend and i

who he's also 26 and also Black. We had some nasty plumbing issues at our apartment so we had to go stay the night at my mom's. When we arrived my mother had obviously been drinking and she is notorious for saying out-of-pocket things when she's drunk. I would also like to note that my family is very blended. We have multiple races Black, White, Hispanic, Japanese and we also have a lot of queer or not a lot many a few a few queer people in my family. But anyways when we're together like we talk and we joke about things in a way that might be inappropriate to other people so basically my mom my boyfriend and I were sitting around the fire that night uh and out of nowhere she kind of just starts telling the story about one of my other sisters who is fully

white um and the story she was basically being bullied and being called a cunt by a boy who happened to be black and my mom's response to this was for my sister to go and call him the n-word so not only was that a horrible response but during the story she actually said the n-word out loud and and in the moment I kind of just shouted like mom like holy shit in the future just say n-word and you know thankfully my boyfriend didn't really react and we both just kind of played it off and moved on um but it was extremely inappropriate and awkward and because she was drunk she kind of just shrugged it off this isn't the first time she said something wildly inappropriate about race or queerness or whatever, but I feel like she's one of those

white women that feels because she has a Black child and Black friends that she can speak in terms that are politically incorrect and it's just not okay anymore. And, you know, my boyfriend and I have been together for almost seven years and we're getting ready to get married and we want to integrate our families, but I'm fearful to do that because his family is Black and if something like this were to happen in front of them, I would be beyond embarrassed and I don't know what to do but basically I know I need to address this and I don't know how because I'm extremely non-confrontational and I don't want to upset her I love my mom she's a great woman like other than this she's really cool she's caring she's kind of that old hippie lady but

she just has these random outbursts when she's drinking and does some horrible shit sometimes so I just really need her to grow up and read the room because the world is changing and I just really need her to catch up even when she's drunk so please help me you guys i i really don't know what to do here and i don't want my boyfriend to have to put up with this he's already putting up with it there's a reason why he didn't flinch yeah the world isn't changing in the sense of what she said is racist and has always been racist so i don't understand your comment in that i also don't understand you saying that she's only says these kind of things when she's drunk and out of pocket but like she doesn't this isn't she didn't just say that on a whim she says that word all the

time also she was telling a story of when she presumed was sober and told your sister to call someone that word like i've been drunk a lot of times and i've never said that word like it's just not I mean I I think and I don't to me your boyfriend not flinching is like and maybe this is like the hard thing to hear I think you might have missed other times that she said stuff but I don't he didn't flinch because I he wasn't surprised and I don't think his parents don't know either like this isn't isolated and this isn't as contained as you think it is and you might be seeing these out out quote-unquote outbursts when drunk but like these also have sober origins and like these are her thoughts that she has all the time and i know you don't

want to hear this but your mom is racist yeah she's racist and you're protecting her and i mean And I remember, and I think I've told this story before on the podcast, but I was over this guy's house and his mom was telling some out-of-pocket story about how at work her and her Black, and she thought it was okay because this was a Black coworker, and I also don't believe that the story happened the way that she is, but her and her Black coworker were discussing how it's not okay for the races to mix because they have to deal with things while she's not racist they have if people have babies when they have mixed children then they have to grow up in a rule in a world that's racist for them and i'm like internally i i didn't

say anything at that time because i wasn't at the point in my life where i could articulate specifically how old were you i was 18 yeah that's yeah and so um i i didn't know how to articulate how i was feeling so i did not flinch i'm in the same case that your boyfriend did not flinch it was it's something that i i still remember all these years later it's something that angers me when i think about it just because he didn't flinch does not mean that he was not angry it does not mean that he does not harbor ill feelings towards her it does not mean that it didn't affect him at all yeah and you're and you not saying like calling not you just thinking if this is something that she does when she's drunk is part of the problem these are things that these are

things and thoughts and feelings that she has all the time just because your family looks like the rainbow that doesn't mean that there's not racism that's runs rampant within your family yeah it's just giving her more opportunity to be offensive to people's faces yes and she thinks it's okay yeah you can't control who your parents are so i think your boyfriend like you know loving you wanting to be with you and all of that like what you can control though is how you respond to your parents and like how you where what what role they play in your life and if you condone or excuse their actions and the things that they say and i just think that like i don't know i think and this might be this might not be like the

right sentiment but i understand that you love your mom but like your mom can love you and still be racist like she can it happens a lot it's just the excuse that like white women will give in this if it's like oh well no i'm by proxy so what i say can no longer be offensive and that like gets into people's heads like it gets into people's heads so then it becomes like well she's not being offensive because then it would be about me right and racism is not like personal like it's not like people are you're not specifically like oh i'm only racist to this person i'm not racist this if you're racist you're racist like it's just it's it is what it is and nobody is an exception and that is like until you can there is like some actual serious change in

this like i this will cost you your relationship this will cost you a relationship with your in-laws but also I think you might have a moment where you in a few years or a certain amount of time start to resent your mom more than you love her and that is I think a preventable thing for people who are willing to be educated but I think sometimes we know that we can't do anything because it's not going to change and it's easier easier to kind of exist in the limbo and hope things don't things don't get worse and things just kind of like smooth sail and you're just like fingers crossing but I just I think you're doing I think you're doing wrong by your boyfriend and I also really think you're doing wrong by yourself and it might not feel like that right now but I think

future you will feel that because if you can't care about or you can't if you don't notice when or take it personally when she's talking about it with you because she's your mom and you've said that like she was a great mom growing up and all of that stuff if you have kids your kids are gonna feel it and your kids who will be one-fourth white three-fourths black like it's not gonna be the same for them it's not and the relationship with grandparents and their grandchildren is really different than parents like completely unrace related but like i my one of my grandparents really mean like I really didn't get along with some of them and like I I didn't have to feel this like well I have to love them because they there isn't that there so like the questioning

that becomes of like am I internalizing a lot of this it's gonna be my mom's okay with this it's not is this behavior okay or not it's like this behavior is not okay and they're also not gonna have grandparents on the other side doing it like it's just yeah I mean and you use the term the things that she says aren't politically correct no they're just not correct because they're racist yeah and i'm not i'm we didn't say anything any of this like to be like mean towards you i just don't think that you've examined this under the lens that it should be examined under yeah and i can imagine it's like really really really fucking hard because like she's your mom and having a betrayal of something that you can't control something that's so

fucking insidious and something that affects people that you love affects you but also affects the children you might have like it's like a poisoned well and like that's a really it's really hard in general for people to realize that their parents aren't good people or their parents have some people have a hard time with like realizing their parents are real people and all of that and like this also doesn't make you like blind or silly for like not recognizing some stuff like our brain wants to protect us and i i just think like right now you've you have all the information you have everything and it's what you do this it's what you do moving forward for like for everyone like really for you yeah and i think you need to have a serious conversation with her when

she's sober. Yeah. And if you're close to their boyfriends, like family, I think like, I don't know, you said like your whole family is very, very blended family from like different backgrounds and stuff. But I don't know if you have a relationship with your dad. But I think like, if there's someone that you can talk to, who isn't in her exact circle, who might be understanding of where what you're going through a little bit more, that might be helpful for you. Because if If she is your only like role model, parental adult figure, I think that that's going to be really hard to feel like you're even cutting back on the relationship or setting boundaries. You're losing out on if that's the only adult figure in your life who you're very close to in a role model way. So like, even just like pursuing more of like a really like a relationship with your, like

boyfriend's family. And like, if like asking if we can go to dinner and like spending time with like other adults who you look up to, I think is, is really important. And I also can't imagine that you said, again, big blended family. And she says things that are racist and homophobic. People probably have wanted to say something for a really long time. And like the times are changing and things are learning. like she's she knows and she's had the opportunity and i think you need to set boundaries for

everybody yeah and i'm sorry like i'm really sorry that's that's fucking that fucking sucks but she doesn't have any excuses and honestly when you you started the call off and said that you had a white mom and a black dad i already knew where the call was going it's not uncommon is there a specific hashtag on tiktok it might be biracial or mixed i don't know but yeah mom might be the hashtag honestly i want to say it actually might be white mom but there are other there are a lot of other people that are in your same situation and it might be worth finding other people that are in your situation that you can talk to I want to say at least one that I saw I think had a podcast oh yeah look up white mom mixed kid on tiktok yeah okay okay all right well it's time

for don't blame them so don't blame them is where people you listeners call in with their own advice pertaining to calls we had on previous episodes so maybe they have personal experience maybe they have credentials in the area just some thoughts that they have or they noticed something in the call that we didn't and they have their own advice that they want to share hi megan melissa i love your shows and you are both living proof that the universe sometimes gives with both hands i'm calling in for don't blame them episode 12 i hope nothing but the worst for him relating to your caller who has never had sex before. First of all, caller, you are incredibly young and there is no timeline on when someone should have sex for the first time.

I was not raised in a religious community, but my first time was around 21 years old, which compared to my peers was relatively late. Often I felt left behind, but I knew that I was not emotionally or physically ready to be vulnerable to someone. There were times I could have had sex sooner, but as soon as the situation didn't feel right, I stopped where I was comfortable. I was never judged for being quote-unquote inexperienced or only wanting to do so much. Caller, if you are pressured or criticized, get out immediately because this is not someone who respects you and your boundaries. As for having sex with a stranger or a partner, I'm really glad you never mentioned needing to be in love before having sex with

someone because that is a total bullshit agenda that is pushed on people, especially women. But I also agree with Megan that you probably shouldn't have a one night stand with a stranger. It's hard to feel safe and in control with someone you don't know, and you need to be 100% okay with them not caring about you at all. My first time ended up being with someone I was dating and didn't love, but I felt very safe and in control of what was happening, which led to a pretty positive experience I hope this helps bye great that is someone who if I we if I could have a conversation with that person in high school and me in high school it's who is so much more self-aware and emotionally mature like you know vulnerable like I didn't even think about that

shit dude like and it's not because I was more mature and I think a lot of the time people are younger it's like oh I'm not that I'm not I don't feel mature enough yet and I don't feel like securing myself and vulnerable enough i to to have sex and you look at other people having sex and you're like yeah i'm not there yet but i was not there i was not there like that is like such a really self-aware and i hate the term mature but that's like a really self-aware and well-therapized and adjusted yeah i'd like enlightened and adjusted individual who is like making really smart conscious decisions about every like really thinking about all the choices they're making and the reason why and just what goes into all of that and as someone who had sex

when they were 16 i did not think of any of that shit at all do i think of that now yes 100 but people who are having sex young some people have that mind some people feel exactly how you feel and just felt that a little bit younger and but not everybody having sex feels that way yeah a lot of people and that's not i'm i'm not saying it as a positive thing i'm just saying that like there's a lot of especially for specifically women having sex like young i think that there is a window of where insecurity and opportunity and like luck of like liking someone can all intermix or can just be one like i really like this person and or maybe i'm a little like all of that but i always said like if i didn't have sex in high school i don't know that i would have

had sex in college like there's just this like there is this like window there and where people are at in their lives and some people are there and some people like aren't yeah i wasn't there when i was 16 i think about that actually just now i just thought about how you know we we joke about the difference in our ages and we had sex for the first time around the same like at the same time in the same era oh like when i was having sex the first time you were also having yeah and like it's just like I don't regret it at all like it worked really well for me and like like I've said so many times before like my belief system is I want to feel the same way about you that you feel about me I'm I look back on it and it was like awkward and cringy but like I really

we love we was my first love we really liked each other and all of that but I don't think if I had waited and it was with somebody else I would have wished it had been him and it wish it had been that situation yeah i i dated someone all through high school and it and i did not have sex with him and the person that i had sex with for the first time was just some kid in my class that i had no feelings for and i don't have any regrets yeah i i i don't know i always think i'm like you're never very rarely i mean it's definitely i mean more often than not you're not going to regret not having sex with someone i regret some some people i'm like should have had sex with you but like yeah your body is all all the people that i've dated or been with i mean i have had a lot of

sex since then but i'm just saying she doesn't want you to catch with it i'm just letting i'm just saying like there's probably just like one guy that i'm like i wish i would have slept with yeah it's just yeah your body is very in tuned and if your mind can match up to your body like that's fantastic but a lot of the time when you're not comfortable and ready to have sex like you're not going to have enjoyable yeah sex and like it's good to listen to your mind and not just be like oh let me power through so yeah wonderful amazing we i we probably would not have been friends in high school because i've been like you are so like just well adjusted no i was i think we would i think we would have been friends in high school because i still like had friends you were smart

though but i had friends that were like like you well i was just i was gonna say smart kids and i like there's like the the smart that are not just like book smart but like quick smart those people and i always got along because they thought i was a fucking hoot and like hilarious and like i love them because they were like very unpretentiously just like naturally educated so we would have yeah and i was like i don't believe in friend groups but even in high school like i was friends with everyone like high school it's impossible in a friend group i know but i'm just saying for me i bounced around the different groups i didn't just stay in like the cheerleaders i didn't just stay with my pure floaters with yeah i was floating between all the groups because i just

i like to be around a different array of people well and also like cheerleader you were also like i mean you were a cheerleader you're also like a fucking athletic as fuck cheerleader and then also you moved around a lot so like i can't imagine you wanting exactly feeling stuck in a friend group and like fuck that no yeah no no no no and then you're limited to like the dating options too right and you're like this is the these are the only boys you hang out that was like really when i first started realizing that friend groups like i didn't really i was i think i actually probably was a little bit more of a floater i was and i would have like friend groups that i could do certain things with but like really for me it was when people started hanging

out with boys and i go these oh no i'm a dip and go here i can't even remember this boy's name and i wish i could but but there's this guy that like he was very cute um that i just like would hang like i i don't even know who he was friends with he was like a year older than me and we just like go hang out places like go eat and stuff and i do not remember this kid's name what year was it 2003 what race is he white okay 2003 Michael oh Jason I mean I there's so many Michaels and Jake like one of my best friends was Jason but it's not this guy see I'm picking the names that I'm like what are the not granola names that I had at my school we only had one Michael remember I had like my class alone was 660 and it was mostly white people okay well that is it for

episode we hope you enjoyed and i know you're really gonna enjoy the bonus episode that comes out tomorrow aka see you next tuesday it's great i made artwork for it we talk about it on tomorrow's little bonus app so if you are missing us and you're like oh i need more tomorrow we're here for you every day of the week except for wednesday okay we hope you enjoyed this episode if you need some advice call in leave us a voicemail send us a voice memo if you have an update send us an email and we can schedule to have you on or you can send us a written update call in with your don't blame thems and if you are still listening head on over to our instagram and comment the worst roommate you've ever had like doesn't you don't have to like tell say their name but like if you had like

the worst thing a roommate ever did or the worst thing you've ever done as a roommate I'll go first worst thing I ever did as a roommate in my dorm I would get drunk and you know what I always like a breakfast I don't drink anymore because when I talk about things I do with drunk I'm like it was not a good person this is why I don't drink not a good relationship with alcohol I would just like put soup in the microwave and it would just explode and get like super fucking messy in there and I literally like wouldn't like just never cleaned it at all and it was disgusting and so my I told my room i was like we're just like not gonna use the microwave anymore and she was like i mean i haven't been using it because you never really cleaned it well so it did smell um and then i

dumped a microwave and just paid the school oh that is i so many i could have had so many more things so many more things and the worst thing i did was probably just eat my roommate's food because i didn't really have that many roommates your sisters coming into the college oh well no i'm kidding they don't that that could be it i always have to be like we're she's gonna be monitoring those comments and deleting immediately that's funny all right i gotta review okay this is from whom stdvd whom sexually transmitted disease vaginal discharge yes got it a piece of home five stars oh i recently moved to new zealand from america even though i love it here i am homesick a lot of the time these gals and their two podcasts really have a way of making me feel

at home their episodes are my comfort food and they make me feel better thanks ladies thank you they're so kind i know new zealand is big but we do know of a listener who is pretty pretty big time in new zealand i mean she is the most well-known person i know in new zealand me too and uh when i think of new zealand i immediately immediately think of this person so maybe you should link up be friends depending on where you are because she's also told us that new zealand is not small i thought she said you could like drive from like one part to the other if you're going like east to west in like hours oh maybe it was the opposite southwest as long i don't remember maybe it was the opposite i thought it was that you couldn't drive how big

is new i think you're you're sounding more right to me no yeah new zealand is about 1.5 times smaller smaller than california it's the same surface area as colorado okay yeah that's not that big isn't i think she was talking about someplace it's like skinny so like since it's so skinny you can go east to west rather quickly oh okay i think i don't know i also could be making that up me too but i know we're not making up is that she here is from new zealand she lives in new zealand so you could be friends she's great yeah we recommend we don't like most people No, we like her. 10 out of 10 recommend.

So we'll see you. I mean, you'll hear us tomorrow. And we'll be back with another episode next week. But you've got us in your ears all week. Yeah, buddy. You're welcome, motherfuckers. All right. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me. Executive produced by Melissa DeMonts and Diamond Imprint Productions. edited by Coco Lawrence post-production sound by Chris Henry production assistance by Melanie D Watson music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso