Don't Blame Me! - My Aunt Said I Stole From My Cousin

Episode Date: March 28, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Balancing school and social life Not speaking to your aunt again Longing for you ex Breaking up with a partner you live with Don’t Blame Them: Meeting immigrant parents Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. hello everybody and welcome to another episode of don't blame me if you're watching on patreon you might have caught the tail end of my yawn yawn my name's megan i'm joined by the one the only can you hear it barely months I thought you said Mott's and I was like no your name's Melissa yeah it is but my last name is Mott's yep okay I'm awake now she's awake we're awake we're powering through neither I mean you've been like working non-stop working but also not sleeping well I find that there is like a sweet spot of the amount of work that tires me out after the day that like I feel accomplished and I can go

to sleep and that my mind isn't wandering but or there's too little work and then my mind is wandering and being like creating things but then there's so much work that like I didn't accomplish everything I wanted to do and I'm thinking all the things I have to do there's a very small sweet spot of like the perfect amount and you've been working so much that I cannot imagine you're there yeah I've been working so much but I've also been just like waking up for no reason around like five or six it was taking me a long time to fall asleep and then waking up around five or six and then being up for like an hour then being able to fall back asleep and it's just been not fun I don't feel well rested at all weirdly that's exactly what I've been doing

like I'm having a hard time falling asleep waking up a couple times the night but like nothing major but then waking up really fucking early in the morning being up for an hour 30 minutes falling back asleep and then waking up and being like what year is it i feel horrible yeah i wonder what that is i don't know but i forgot we have those teas so i should be drinking those that is smart i should be doing that as well yeah well welcome to don't blame me we're an advice podcast where we give wonderful life-changing amazing the best advice you've ever heard. And if you're brand new here, welcome. Hello. We give the advice we'd like to see in the world. We give advice like we would give our friends. We are honest. It comes from a place

of love and we are very straightforward. We're not really sugar Cody kind of people. That is an adjective now. And we're, we're here to help and, or that could be tough love if it needs to be. Sometimes there's a quote, but I can't remember what it is. Just make one up. Sometimes to get to the finish line someone needs to kick you in the balls okay thank you i am a philosopher that was my stone thank you thank you thank you so what's your theme what's up what's up how you been i started watching inventing anna enjoying it a lot you like it have you watched it no i should i should watch it i feel like when shows like blow up and they're not that i'm like

oh i can't like anything popular but i feel like i've watched it already just based on the amount of content i've seen about it so give me like a month and then i'll be like i gotta watch this that's how i felt i mean it's been a month since it came out so i felt the same way but then i thought shonda was just producing it but she wrote it she wrote it too so oh oh it changes things yeah that changes yeah absolutely everything yeah i think of it like the tone wise it feels more like a fun scandal oh yeah oh oh you've sold and it's scamming men until she doesn't which is where i feel like she fucked up so yeah i don't know i mean did she girl boss a little too close to the sun yeah she definitely did but it's when she started scamming her friends that

she messed up because all the men that according to the tv show i haven't read enough of the actual stuff that happened but the men all the men that she were scamming nothing happened to them like they're still like have money they're still and so most of the things that they've done it's not you know yeah crystal clear but she messed up when she scammed her friends yeah because doesn't she scam like friends who like don't have that much yeah yeah so that's where the issue comes in so i haven't got to well i got to one of her friends which she actually is the only friend that she actually paid back and they're still friends now um so so that is uh that's interesting i like it and i'm kind of rooting for them but again i'm it's i'm rooting

for the tv version i don't know what she's done in in real life yeah i mean here's the thing how i feel about this versus like that sucky thing to do that's kind of like fucking over your friend on like just a much higher financial level than the elizabeth holmes one i'm like okay you get you gave a lot of like false hope to people and medical like it messed up this she wasn't doing anything that messed up anybody's livelihood except for when she messed with her friends yeah like when you when you steal money from rich people under the guise of like medical invention and marvel that's not a robin hood story i can get behind but i will say it is nice to have more representation of women scamming in media right it's representation right now feels

like the time for women scammers in media this is a time and i'm just happy we've finally gotten here because like we know that we've been in the shadows through all of history women have been scamming left right and center while men have been going off to wars like we've been doing this and we had fire fest we had the tinder tinder tinder swindler she actually like stays with the fire fest guy while he's making well he's like getting money and she tells him that he's stupid she's like it's a dumb idea and here's the thing about these women scammers they're better yeah she's great like the things that she did at the tender age of like 23 to 25 brilliant like if she used her power for good she could take over the world and women do it with pizzazz they do it with flair

and they do it in an aspirational way like i don't want to scam but like you're like fire festival guy i'm like i have secondhand embarrassment for you for these women i'm like you scare me and my nipples are hard like you're kind of like wow impressive it's impressive and you personally know what scamming story i want to tell and star in so desperately yeah i don't know if i should speak it out into the universe but i told you that i think my I think I need to like befriend this person so I can do it don't we kind of look alike yeah I'm looking at myself right now and I'm like in the words of Katya and Trixie who would play her me I would play her speaking to the universe okay everybody I desperately desperately want to do

an adaptation of Caroline Calloway's pending book and I want to play Caroline Calloway mm-hmm it is the role that i was born to play i watch her instagram stories and i'm like yes thespian like i i make mods watch them all the time i'm like tell me this would not be perfect like i just i i i just want it i just want it i just want it so badly and i feel like a lot of people hate when scammers and especially the influenced kind of scammers get said attention but like don't you want the hands of that story and somebody who has experience in the space like come on right i would die for it also because like i was like that tumblr culture of that like the whole vibe like i lived those eras not as her but i lived through those eras

and so it just feels feels personal she's writing the book now it's literally called like the scam or something should get in now i know i wonder if someone's already done it i need to i should ask our manager spoken into the universe okay we give advice on this show so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcasts at gmail.com there we go my brain short-circuited and we ask or we require we demand we enforce that you keep it under three minutes or you will be cut off and the best way to do this is to write down what you're going to say time yourself practice make sure you have all the information your age is it's all anonymous but like all of

the right correct and relevant information because the more information we have relevant information we have the better advice we can give so write it down practice and then just read it out loud and if you excel you get a a diamond and yeah let us know your pronouns 18 or over have your parents permission i think that's it right that is it we do not have an update today yeah we had one scheduled but they had another pressing appointment to go to and we're okay we're not mad at them we're happy for them but we don't have an update so yeah they just canceled on us 50 minutes ago that's fine that's fine we're not mad i'm not i'm not i understand yeah not we keep saying we're actually not and i know it sounds like we are no we're actually not mad what

they have to go to is important yeah i don't know it just sounds like we are because we keep defending i'm not mad we're not mad i just know that they're freaking out being like oh my god they're mad oh my god they're not really like we're truly we're we're really not mad we're not mad we're not mad we're really not mad at all do we have anything else we should talk about or we get into the calls i think we're good let's go ahead and jump in hi megan melissa so i am 21 years old and i use she her pronouns and i just turned 21 in the past few months and even if not you know i'm still 21 just like sexually of eight two three legally and by delta eight in my state. But my question is, how do I balance my school life and my social life, especially

considering that I don't have a job and I am a full-time student, when one of my close friends here, and the only girl I can get with, only ever wants to go out? Today is St. Patrick's Day, and she's really upset with me because I won't go to the bars with I personally don't like to go to the bars because they're too crowded. I don't have any money because I don't have a job. And I want to prioritize my free work because I am a junior in college. And I'm taking my senior seminar right now, or one of them, because I am a triple major. And so I just put my advice on how to maintain a friendship when she, you know,

My husband's full-time job is getting paid a lot of money under the table. And I just am not the same boat as her, and we just have different priorities. Yep, that's all. I guess I have a lot of time left. So I'm a Sagittarius sun, a Virgo moon, and a Scorpio rising. And she is, oh, she, her, her now, four, my friend, is a Cancer sun. And I think it's Aries, Moon, and Cancer for life. thanks so much love the podcast love everything you guys do all right bye i have no idea what

any of that means i really i think that like i don't know how much i can reiterate to everybody that like i am a leo so my love of astrology is about talking about myself but like when it comes to like two people's interpersonal dynamics like i really don't fucking unless i have a friend That's what I was going to say. You know, when it's a friend that has similar ones that compare to yours. Yeah. But other than that, I'm like, I really don't know. Really don't know. I don't know. I feel like I have a kind of a hard truth with this one. I do, too. My hard truth is a friend should understand your boundaries. And if you haven't said them, if you haven't told them, if you haven't said, hey, I'm in school full time, I'm trying to focus on my schoolwork.

and say pretty much everything you told us in the call and then she doesn't respect that, then that means she's not really your friend. She just needs someone to go out with her. A real friend would understand that I'm in school, not making money the way that you are. I'm not gonna be mad at you if you can't go out for St. Patrick's Day.

And I know you said that she's your only friend, but you're in college and I think that's a great way to work on, you know, meeting new people and finding friends by joining clubs or studying with people in your class and so forth. Yeah, I fully agree. I think college is the time where like your friend group is dictated based on your common interests

and like the things that you do. So like when you have like very different ways of spending free time, those people you're not actually usually friends with in college. And so I think that we need to coin a new term. So we talk about situationships with like romantic relationships there aren't like actually relationships but they can you know take the same amount of like time energy and like leave the same like lasting effects if they don't work out i think we need a term for friendships which is like a circumstance-ish yeah like this is a

circumstance related friendship because she wants you to do what she wants to do she wants you to fit in and do the things that she chooses to do in her life that's not a friendship exactly like you're saying like that is like having someone that you want to do this thing not because you want them to be there because you want to do that thing and I just can't even imagine not factoring in and I don't mean this in like a way that like I think about my friend's financial situations but like I can't I do like I can't imagine not thinking about the fact that like my friend doesn't have a job they're a full-time student and I'm asking them to come spend money what like that's so out of touch unaware weird to me and choosing to be that way that's what i mean

like you can have that thought in your head and then you like my i would imagine like oh i know they they they or like if i have a friend who's like in between jobs or i know who has like just spent a lot of money doing something or i know like money is tight like when i want to spend time with them and hang out with them like and i don't do this in like a pitying way or whatever but like I personally I also hate spending money but like I'm like hey like let me come over like let's hang out and like it's not like I'm pitying and being like oh I'll buy you dinner I'll do this this and this but like I know that there are other social and work obligations in their life that force them to like pay spend money and do all that stuff and like that's not the kind that I'm

not I'm not going to be another thing that you have to spend money to spend time with or like have that with and like so I think that like what you're trying to do is you're trying to balance something that you don't need to balance at all like this isn't this isn't a thing that you need to learn how like this is a her problem and like the fact that like this is not really a friendship and if someone can't understand that see that and respect that like you don't need to learn how to like budget and maintain a friendship with somebody who only wants to do stuff that's expensive yeah and we know how i feel about saint patrick's it's your people it is it is my meatball i can't get into it people were so mad no irish americans were so mad the irish from ireland

were like yeah i don't know i don't get it i'm like i'm sorry i'm just i'm sorry i'm i'm sorry i've just never heard you talk about your irish heritage before and then you did 23 and me and you found out that's like me being like i don't know i can't get into it anymore but also to be fair my irish catholic grandparents who are both dead are like putting curses on me right now you ungrateful little bitch did i tell you that someone commented and they were like we do all of this because of the potato famine and i was like i'm sorry i don't know her and then she was like well you should really educate yourself on your people and i was like i'm sarcastic i'm being sarcastic i know what

someone else also tried to compare it to cinco de mayo i go wrong whoa yeah we talked about it last time yeah yikes yikes also you're supposed to be done with this shit by junior year all the upper class and i never saw them fucking go out until they were like done with their finals every year if she's working full-time it doesn't feel like she's in school anymore no i know but just like if i was working full-time i would know once my friends are like jude like you have to hang out with like freshmen who are like rage rage rage but like you're doing your like course credits we're still going hard really yeah oh wow all the juniors and seniors when I was in college like those were they were like until it was like finals or summer but like they they never went out but

also I came in with a lot of credits from high school so like my senior year I used to call it union studies when I used to just go sit in the student union and stare at people because I didn't want to be done with school and that's when I took golf and piano and gymnastics and you know when did you start taking courses like for your major in my second semester of my freshman year but that was technically my sophomore year oh wow okay yeah because that's I think part of the thing is like I also went to a state school for a hot second it's notoriously impossible to get all of your prereqs like early. So yeah, people didn't,

most people didn't take courses for their major until junior year. Yeah, I already came in with my English, my science, like the base science that I needed, my math, like I came in with a lot of credits already. So, wow, that's impressive. All right, next call. Hello, Megan and Melissa.

I'm 19 years old and my pronouns are she, her. My aunt called me and told me I was stealing from my 16 year old cousin. Backstory. Recently, my younger cousin asked to join my gym membership. I went to the gym and signed her up. At the end of the process, I asked how much money a month would be charged on my card. The manager told me $110.

I split that in half and told my cousin that's how much it would be a month. January rolls around and my charge is way higher than normal. I called the gym to ask why and they said it's an annual fee I must pay as a member only once a year. I again sent my cousin a voice recording explaining how I talked to the gym and they told me it was an annual fee and split the entire charge down the middle. My aunt on the phone said she went to the gym to get a membership for herself and in the process found out

I was overcharging my cousin by $9. She told me that a student is 45 and I knew that and was taking advantage of my cousin. I told her I didn't know she was 45. I simply see the entire bill on my end and just split it. She said I also charged a $30 yearly account fee after one month, but the gym doesn't do that until three. I sent her my bank statements

and showed her that the fee was taken from my account. I explained how I called the gym and what they told me. She said, funny, but my friend works at the gym and we pulled up your statements and saw everything. She kept telling me that I knew what I was doing and said I took advantage of her and that I'm just mad I got caught. And the conversation got super heated

because she would not believe what I was saying. She was talking in a calm yet deceitful way. I was bawling my eyes out the whole time trying to explain myself, sending her text messages of like my bank statements like as we're on the phone. And she goes, you can cry all you want. And when I heard that, that was my last straw.

And I said, I'm never effing talking to you again. And I hung up. I know I shouldn't have said those last words to her, but I couldn't comprehend how she would be so delusional to think any of this. It especially caught me off guard coming from my aunt, a family member. She was like a stranger on the phone.

I had no idea she had this evil side. I sent my cousin back the total amount she paid at the gym, which is almost $200. To show my aunt I don't care about the money. Context, it's not my mom's sister. My aunt is married to my mom's brother. Am I wrong for splitting it down the middle? how am I supposed to know she was 45 and I was 65 I just knew the total and split it also splitting

it we both got a discount alone I was paying 65 so together we both paid 54 it made sense in my head we both got a discount do I need to call her back and apologize for cursing at her should I talk to her again now that I've processed it and could be more calm with all my printed bank statements and try to explain myself like without crying to resolve it or am I wasting my time i have all these bank statements lined up with what i venmo with what i had her venmo and with what they were charged like i did not steal any from anything from her yet i was trying to keep the family peace by sending her back all the money so i don't know what to do none our families aren't talking anymore it's a huge thing going on in proportion i don't know how to fix it i like

your fire me fucking too your mom's brother needs to divorce that's the only solution what does your cousin thing yeah i'm thinking because your your cousin is 16 then there's like a kid price and then an adult student discount i think is what it was but but either way it's still because you're on a family plan then you're both paying less than you would have been paying individually but like first of all and i don't mean this in a mean way at all you're still a kid like you are just as much a kid as your cousin is and like the idea that like your aunt is talking to you like you are like a full-grown adult taking advantage of your kid cousin when like she is a full-grown adult yelling at you her kid niece like you guys are three years apart like that's not

that much like you're both you're both really young and if your cousin wanted a gym membership she can go get a gym membership like you were the one who did the work yeah your or your aunt should have went and got it for her or whatever but like i'm guessing she's saying like if you had the statement not your bank statement but the actual statement invoice from the gym then you should have known better but again they're confusing and that's something that and they get you with that annual fee but that's something that your cousin should have been like if she's on your account too then she should have been getting the invoices I would think or have access to them but so and then the fact that your aunt's friend pulled up your account that's an invasion

that's like against the law and shared it with her like I kind of don't believe it I don't believe it either but she can't do that even if she did actually it actually happened she can't do that so I'd be like what friend let me know what the front who the friend was let me you want me to go tell your friend that tell their boss that they pulled up your my account I is your cousin mad at you like is that is this coming through her because I kind of think not and this part of me makes me wonder is your aunt mad at your mom is your aunt mad at her like is this a like this to me seems thing that's like so widely blown way out of proportion because also here's the thing I again don't mean this in a mean way at all but like if I I have ADHD I'm not good with numbers

I'm not good with a lot of shit in general when I delegate tasks or things to be done by other people because they're not something that is either of interest of me or like within my bandwidth i know that there's always going to be a risk that i'm paying like a little bit more and i i relinquish that risk i'm okay i acknowledge that and like that is fine i also personally believe again as somebody who like i'm not good at a lot of i'm i'm not good at a lot of like uh adult maintenance kind of things i will pay a fine i'll pay a nine dollar service charge for somebody else to get me a gym to do like to it's like someone's gonna facilitate all of this shit like and i think if you were gonna have like the liability on your account if you're gonna do all of that stuff

even if you wanted to charge her ten dollars more like okay but like as the parent if you are upset you should be upset with your kid for not paying attention to the statements like there that's the teachable moment here it's not like yelling at your fucking niece that she which again like this isn't a this isn't you scamming her like why and if her mind is automatically going there this to is like a bigger issue yeah yeah you do not need to apologize at all like unless you just want to keep your the peace in your family but me my stubbornness i wouldn't apologize you're she's the adult in the situation and you gave the money back that's what i was gonna say and also if you said your families aren't speaking to me that is like your guardians your the adults in your life

your immediate ones at home with you are like she was out of line like they're not you know what i mean so like i think that like this is a her fucking issue and you've already done what you've already done should have been enough there's nothing else you can do that will be enough so like relinquish that feeling that responsibility off your plate because like the idea that you might have of like well if you apologize you don't make it right or whatever like no you've already done all the steps to make it right and if that hasn't worked now there's nothing you can do that can make it work like she she wants you to be the villain she's mad at you and that's on her and i think it's probably for a far different reason and if you're like let's

let's say it's your mom if your mom's not speaking to her i it proves it kind of makes me feel that fueled theory that this is actually not about you and your cousin that this is about her and potentially your mom yeah so maybe have a conversation with your mom and see yeah where she stands and even just tell her that you feel really bad and even your mom can just be like oh my god don't feel bad like you did like you're totally fine because when an adult comes at you and like basically accuses you of like doing something like that's like a traumatic fucking thing and like can make you feel especially when you know well can make you feel like you're a really bad person and like there's no shame in like reaching out to another adult in your life

and being like am i like can i just have some reassurance and having that because you need that cheese wild i feel like the other i feel like the cousin's just like oh it's okay yeah all right let's take a break and we are back ooh that was a loop backwards what i can't do it can you just see the blankness in my eyes being like no no okay on to the next call hi megan and melissa i love the podcast so much i've been listening for years and unfortunately now it's my time to need some advice my boyfriend of two

and a half years and i broke up two months ago and we were doing long distance but i was about to come back home we were planning on moving in together then and i think he felt pressured we weren't fighting or anything but our sex life just got really uninspiring we weren't horny for each other anymore basically but then he was really shitty to me in the way he dealt with things he broke up with me over the phone from the street and a bunch of other things honestly I could talk for hours if I got into this but the important thing to mention is that all of my friends hate him now so I've been working on getting over him and understanding that I deserve better but well I've been sleeping around and spending a lot of time with my friends and it's been nice but

last week we decided to see each other to catch up because we still want to be friends and I really honestly thought it could work but then we just had the best time together and nothing happened like we didn't even kiss but we had just a really fun night and I don't know I think I had forgotten how it felt and now I'm super confused and I'm suffering all over again the thing is I want to be with him we're so good together I've never met a couple that has a dynamic as great as ours I think is the love of my life and I keep thinking maybe if we slept together now after this time apart and having slept with other people maybe everything would be different so I can't really make sense of our breakup anymore but I'm also scared of having this conversation with him

and maybe losing him forever so yeah i'm basically losing my mind over this i don't i don't see how i can get emotionally involved with anybody else knowing this is how i feel about him so yeah what should i do any advice would be really great yeah thank you for listening bye thanks me sad yeah well you said that things were bad like they weren't good and there were a whole like list of things that you could keep naming so how would how is it that you are perfect for each other and you think that he's the love of your life when he did a lot of terrible things to you I think at this point you're just lonely and you're just remembering the good things as opposed to the bat so maybe write down if all those negative things and thoughts you said there was

a list make a list and maybe just take some time I know you said you're sleeping around a lot but maybe just take some time for yourself and discover what you actually want out of a relationship and don't meet up with him again at all yeah I'm with you on all of that I think like right now what it sounds like you're doing is you're sleeping around you're trying to find something better than him and you're not over him and so like that is not you're not putting yourself in situations and sleeping with like you're not it doesn't seem like you're enjoying this and it's anything good is coming from sleeping with people other people but that doesn't mean that the solution is to sleep with him and exactly like melissa said like you literally started with like

i can go on for hours about all of the stuff but right now it feels like the only thing that's remained for you is like what is like on the marquee as the issue was sex but having a relationship and then having your sex life go like not work out well taking out medical things but this was a good issues in your relationship that's what caused the sex issues sex didn't cause the relationship issues like sex is a reflection of the health of your relationship that is not a like go ahead for like getting with it like toxic dick because like you have great sex but when you're in a relationship when it's when when the sex gets bad after it's been really great it's because there are issues in the relationship and sleeping with him is not going

to fix that and you I know you said you want to be friends with him but you can't be friends with someone who you're not over. You can't replace a relationship with a friendship. A friendship comes after that relationship. You're completely moved on and you're totally over it. And this might not be the easiest thing to hear, but the vast majority of time of people I know who catch up with their recently broken up with partners, like who they've recently broken up with, it's because one party wants to sleep with the other one and casually and not get back together and like that is a really tough place to be in because you've been in a committed relationship so it feels like if you get intimate with this person like the there's a commitment that's attached to

it but there's not at all and sleeping with him doesn't solve that he hurt you and he really broke your heart and you're even said you're scared to talk to us because you're scared you're going to lose him lose him yeah and i think the thing is is like i think that like you're attaching a lot of meaning to this and like you're seeing this like oh well this could be us getting back together and all this potential and like he hasn't said that like he hasn't given you that impression like this is something that you want and if you're feeling like this is so delicate and so fragile that's not it this is not it this is not right and like if you haven't given yourself time to get over him and clearly the sleeping rounds actually hasn't helped you get over him like

you need to take the time to actually get over him no contact whatsoever and like melissa said write down all the fucking horrible things you hate about him talk to your friends about it like remind me how much he sucks and then just know that every time you talk to him every time you reach out like you're setting your you're starting from scratch all over again and that's a really exhausting and lengthy process. And every breakup feels like, I don't know how I'm ever going to feel about this person ever again. Like, I don't know how I'm going to like, everything will pale in comparison when you are completely still in love with that person. Like you need to get over this, get over him before you start worrying about future relationships or even thinking about

future relationships. Like the greatest person could come along who is like leaps and bounds better than him. And like, you'll have like the greatest life together. And like, it's a perfect fairy tale ending but it's not going to work out until you get over him like it just it just won't like nobody is going to be better than him when you have this romanticized idea of him in your head and this sucks this very much very much sucks and you just need to remind yourself that like he is that same person all right who did all that shit but i'm sorry sucks heartbreak hurts next cool hi megan and melissa i'm a 20 year old with she her pronouns and my boyfriend and the story has he him pronouns i'm in really in need of some advice for this really difficult situation i'm

currently going through in my head about breaking up with my boyfriend the background is we met in college so we've known each other for about three years overall and we have been dating for a year and a half we have raised a puppy together and moved in together july of 2021 our relationship has been amazing but lately compared to the beginning I've noticed that I really overall have just been unhappy in the relationship I'm a very clean person so most of the time I feel like I'm his mother in the sense that I'm always cleaning up after him cleaning our apartment doing laundry stuff like that a lot of our views aren't similar in the sense of political stuff and that worries me when I think about raising kids in the future my mom is pretty liberal and

my dad is a republican and I already fight with my dad enough about this stuff and I hate to think about having a husband that I have to argue with too. I found that he's not really good with his money. He has no savings. It makes more than me, but somehow spends over what I do monthly, even though we split the rent and bills. These are just a few of the things that come to mind in which I've had a conversation with him about all of them, but nothing really seems to change. I'm going to Italy for two months in the summer and he's moving to the Bay. So we'd be doing long distance when I get back from Italy. Lately, I've just been thinking about breaking up with him just to work on myself and figure out what exactly I want in a partner and get into therapy.

And of course, I can't say that being single in Italy wouldn't be more fun. The problem is I have no idea when to have this conversation with him about us spending time apart or breaking up. Our lease for our apartment doesn't end until June 30th. So we wouldn't move away from each other until July. And then I leave for Italy right after. I feel like an awful person and thinking that I'm going to blindside him with this conversation right before I leave for Italy and that he's going to think that I just want to fuck around in Italy, which is not really what I want. However, I have no idea when else I would have this conversation

because I feel like if I did it now while we share a lease, it would make everything 10 times more complicated. We both can't afford to live alone and don't have any other options for living situations because it's in the middle of the year and we both have jobs here. I need some guys of when you guys think I should have this conversation. I still love and care about him so much, and I really don't want to end this on bad terms,

but i don't feel like having this conversation now would be good either i really don't know any help appreciated bye he sounds horrible awful he sounds awful i don't know how you stayed this long because her dad's a Republican oh that's and i don't mean that in a shady way like at all you give allowances because you've dealt with it before yeah and like you have a higher threshold and bandwidth of dealing with people with different like i don't have that and like i will say that like that's not a a good trait of mine like that's not like an aspirational trait but it's just i wasn't raised with that so you were so like that's why you're with him uh or you've been able to stay with him for so long this is a thousand time psa of us saying beyond not living

with friends in college don't move with your partner in college ah everybody that i've known that's gone to italy that was with a partner and didn't go with their partner have cheated on their partner and i'm not saying that's not what you are going to do because you're going to break up with him before you go anyway but every single person that i know has to so i've got questions for you who's on the lease is it your responsibility to move out is it his responsibility to are you going to be kicked are you not going to have a place to live is he not she said they neither one of them have options for other places to live but i'm wondering who's on the lease because like they might both be on it yeah so if you're both on it and neither of you have any other place to

live then awkwardness won't kill you yep someone take the living room someone take the bedroom yeah i don't know how i can stress it i i have to deal with i have to remind myself at this time awkwardness won't kill me and like it won't and thinking that you are preventing awkwardness by like going around the massive fucking boulder no hella fucking awkward like it's going to be awkward regardless and it is so much more hurtful if you like continue to have sex with him continue to all of that kind of stuff and then when you like he's gonna know yeah you've already said in your mind that you're breaking up with him to continue to carry this along like it's cruel to be honest like he's an asshole but like you already know that you're breaking up with him so i feel

like when i first moved here to la like 10 years ago most of the people i met were living with their exes because they were locked into a lease because in la people move in with each other very quick because rent is high and so so many people were locked into a lease with their exes and they were just sharing an apartment and dating other people i can't stress to you how common it is like it is legitimately like it's like oh you have a roommate uh random or is it your ex like right it's truly so common and like you are doing both of you a disservice and if you don't end it now and like it sure it will be awkward for a bit but like you've got school hang out with your friends like really treat it like you have a roommate that you're like trying to avoid and

like you can come at it from like a kind place but I honestly think that like breaking up with someone while you're still on a lease together and you live together to me that is like a level of like i respect you not that i think that you should maybe do i necessarily respect him no but like you clearly do exactly but like i think that is such a huge act of respect of being like we live together i have faith in both of us as mature adults that like i'm not going to string you along and like do this out of obligation like there's nothing more like oh gut punch than knowing or feeling like someone is with you out of obligation or convenience and so being like hey you know this has been great i don't really think this is like gonna work out and i know it's awkward

because we live together and like i and again this is assuming you're both on the lazy you both have equal rights to it and just be like i know that it's gonna take some adjusting to like being roommates and like inevitably like i mean eventually down the road i'd love to like maintain a friendship but I'm not going to push that at all now and so like we're going to be living together and I'm going to do everything I can to like make sure that like we're civil and I hope that like you can do the same and I'm appreciative of the appreciative of the time that we had together and I just didn't want to disrespect you by like continuing this on when my heart really wasn't in it anymore and that's all you have to do yep and if like breakups in this

sense you don't have to like defend yourself against like I don't know this might be an unpopular opinion but like we talk about this all the time when it comes like ending friendships or whatever that like this isn't necessarily an invitation for a conversation like I'm ending it and you don't need to respond I don't need to respond and like this can be like a standalone thing but in breakups as well I think that like how you go about breakups is like you don't you shouldn't feel the need to defend your choice and why you're breaking up with someone.

And so that's the thing that I would just be cautious of that like maybe the day you break up with him you once you're done having that conversation or you let him know that like you have planned you're going out that night to like go do something. So there's like some you don't get sucked in that to like 18

fucking hour conversation on the couch like rehashing everything you know. Because people grow apart and it It's just hard to sometimes that happens when you live together. Yeah, it happens. And I think you're going to have a blast in Italy. Truly.

Back of a moped. Paolo. Paolo. Sing to me, Paolo. I can't wait for you to do this. This is like. I got two marriage invitations when I was in Italy and they were really hot, but also like, no. Older?

Probably pretty old. They're around my age. One man owned a leather store. okay make me a tote daddy give me some loafers that's hot but also red flags everywhere no oh no totally but it's flattering it's like you know it's like when i was on raya but like in real life people like you're really hot and you're like thanks and then you do nothing with it except just like drinking the compliment yeah the one that on the leather store caressed my face and deep into my eyes okay so that'd be a hard pass for me it was a hard pass but he was very very

hot here's the thing if you're gonna give me an unsolicited marriage proposal i don't want any physical contact in general but like please at least be hot yeah you know because it's like it's only cool wood women are delusional i was also with my mother but was your mom like yes yeah oh that's so funny have you seen that tiktok trend about being like fuck manifestation be delusional yes everyone is that's kind of a thing now people are like it is and i would like to say i'm gatekeeping that for straight men can't that's straight men are not a part of that yeah because straight men don't need to be delusional for things because they already are they just exist yeah okay time for don't blame them so this is where a listener calls

in with their own advice add on to something that we gave on a previous call so maybe they have their own personal experience or they just love the sound of their own voice and they want to hear their selves on themselves on the podcast which can't blame you we have two podcasts right Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm calling for a Don't Blame Them for Season 9, Episode 8, regarding the Indian boyfriend who didn't want to move in with his girlfriend. I meant to call in after listening to this episode, but hadn't gotten around to it. After reading the review from the poster and seeing you guys also addressed the review,

I felt compelled to say something, and don't worry, I wrote it down like you always ask prior to each episode. I'm a 28-year-old female. I was born in India and raised in the United States since I was a baby. For background, I'm in an interracial marriage with a white man, and we're expecting a baby in a few weeks. Immediately, Caller referring to herself as a normal American was so offensive. I'm not sure if the Caller will listen to this, but she needs to realize that she's saying that being normal and being white are the same thing. There's no mistaking about that.

She also needs to realize that her tone around her boyfriend being a child of immigrants is overall negative and judgmental throughout the call. While I was raised completely in the U.S., I'm an immigrant myself, and as a child of immigrants, she came off as though the immigrant parents were the issue with her relationship, which is a huge sterilization and really unfair. Every family is different. My husband met my parents right away. They never had a problem with him or anyone, my brother, or I dated being white. Some Indian families only want to meet their kid's parents if you're going to marry that person. While my parents are really progressive and wouldn't mind if we lived together while dating, I personally wasn't comfortable living with someone before we were engaged.

My husband was raised Catholic, and he also felt his parents would prefer if we were engaged first. It had nothing to do with us being immigrants or non-white. If your boyfriend is not comfortable living together, it's very possible that he just isn't sure about where the relationship is headed. you're both 22 and some people could see that as being too soon he could be projecting some worries or anxieties onto his parents he could have his own cultural beliefs or personal preferences but these are all things caller didn't even bother to consider rather the concept of immigration and his parents were highlighted as the main issue and the way the caller projected onto his parents was simply not okay i could not imagine my future son's partner speaking of me the way the caller

spoke of her boyfriend's parents when it seems she really knows nothing about them their beliefs or anything to insert herself that way it's possible your boyfriend can tell there's lack of respect for his family, his culture, etc. And the caller also might not realize that just because you're dating a person of color, it does not exempt you from expressing racism or being racist. Trust me, I've dated a few racists in my day, very briefly. I think she needs to really look at her own life and her own beliefs. For doubling down here, if you bothered me and I wanted to thank you guys for addressing it and for letting this podcast be a safe space for people like me. A lot of people can be like this caller and your comments on the situation genuinely made

me feel a little safer in the world knowing there's people like you out there using your voice for immigrants like me and first gens like my kids will be also you can edit this out but i'm the person who left a positive review for a few episodes ago with username fsm fan girl to hear you guys read it and i stand by every word of it have a great day and thank you my nipples are hard like tingly like full goosebumps like literally titillated tits are out for your like that was yeah that i want to say verbally annihilated but like poetically like you like you just spoke her truth yeah and like we can only especially me specific i can only do so much in speaking on these things and having my own personal set of like beliefs and like morals that

i hold and i really fucking hope that that original caller was able to hear that from you specifically because um i think about that call a lot and thank you for taking the time to call in and say all of that shit because i can't imagine how listening to that call and like hearing all of that shit i can't imagine how like i i don't know what the words for that but like whether that's like triggering painful or just like really frustrating to hear someone say all that shit and then also have the bandwidth to then come back and then say all this stuff so thank you for for that oh thank you for writing it down thank you for reading i mean you still had even with everything that she said she still had 20 seconds left so you know you have i think

she needs a podcast like that was like your voice like just everything about like your delivery like it was just so good but you've got that podcast voice that is it for episode thank you all so much for listening if you want to go leave us a review on the podcast app we would always really appreciate that we're waiting for the anti-porn people to flood on in so you know if you feel differently we would love to hear from you for that yeah and i do want to say a lot of people send us messages like saying things about the show or giving their advice to the caller don't blame them exists like call in if you don't need to message us call in and share your thoughts and also we really appreciate reading all of your really kind dms to the podcast like we absolutely

love it but we also if you want to like leave a review that's like also very helpful you might notice our setup is a little bit a little bit more low budget than some of those other very large podcast and i think people lump podcasters in all together um and you will see that the girl from call her daddy has a massive home in la and um i don't so leaving reviews actually really helps and it's also really nice for you know can help us grow the show and get sponsored more sponsors but it also just helps us to like read them and look at them and like see that makes our day it does and motivation is something as someone with adhd is really constantly desperately what i need that and serotonin dopamine that's a love some dopamine if you're still listening this far

please head on over to instagram and comment sing to me paolo or pro italy just comment comment some encouraging words for that caller to um get her ass on a hocation in italy i can't wait i'm looking forward to it an international hocation so here for it anything else no okay yeah follow our own individual socials tiktok instagram youtube twitter buy my book my presets and yeah yeah you will hear from us on monday or thursday if you listen to our other podcast but am i wrong all right thank you okay goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production

assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso