Don't Blame Me! - My Brother Won't Get an Abortion

Episode Date: September 12, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update - A final word from the traumatized maid of honor (The Bride Peed On Me S9E18) Navigating a your brother and sister-in-law's divorce Wanting your brother to be more responsible when it comes to having a baby Worried about your friend's wellbeing Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody welcome to a brand new episode oh i blinked for too long and it just felt too good you know because you're tired yeah i think close i was like welcome back go check that out on the patreon welcome back to another episode of don't blame me starring us blame and me what about blah and me oh i was gonna be blamed i realized me sounds like me i'm blame you're got it you're me well me in this case is not the onus it is the name okay that's how both of our names start actual names start yeah megan and melissa good day good day if anyone can see my sock that is covered in self-tan on the patreon you can they can they definitely can see it just know that um that's what it is

it's not a skid mark i just want to show how white and clean my arm yeah rub it in you still don't have a bomb by sponsorship though yeah rub that in you're welcome welcome to don't blame me uh on this podcast we give wonderful amazing life-changing advice and you might be wondering how are these people who are so sexy so smart so um indescribable delectable what are their attitudes gonna eat us up how are they qualified to give advice and the answer is we're not but what we lack in credentials we make up for in opinions you're a little mellow more mellow than you usually are i'm so tired well wake up okay i'm waking up if anyone do you want me to smack you across the face you'd bruise for

i would i would and i know this nose was not cheap i said face it wasn't gonna get the nose in there well oh yeah the eyes the nipples of the face no i would have like a literal handprint yeah on my on my face for a while all right should we read an update yeah i don't have one do you i do okay final update bride that peed on me oh my god this is long hi eminem with the crazy work schedule i thought i would write in this time i had my other girlfriend's bachelorette i think i called her suzy in my last call anyways suzy's bachelorette was fine the urinator and i spoke a little small talk i asked her how her wedding was and she said it was great i told her she looked beautiful which she really did so nothing crazy that day i do wish i was more of a cunt but too

late now however in all caps this past weekend was suzy's wedding it was beautiful however the urinator and her now husband were there after a few drinks he confronted my boyfriend and said he wanted to speak with me and apologize my boyfriend said he definitely needs to apologize and speak to me directly but now won't be the right time at a friend's wedding well five minutes later while my boyfriend and i were chatting he approached us and asked if we could talk i told him okay ick wish i would have said no he apologized for how he called me a bunch of names and thought he was just venting to his buddies and didn't expect it to get back to me also stated the urinator has cried endlessly about our friendship i told him i was really hurt and

although i can be dramatic at times i did nothing wrong he told me we should have went to their wedding i told him we would have loved to however i wouldn't put myself in that situation and he was to blame also he acted as if he does not talk bad about me anymore even though i heard stuff as recently as last week through the grapevine i told him he continues to talk poorly and needs to move on he apologized again he then reached and pulled me into a hug which i pulled away from melissa i now understand your disgust for hugs it was major ick and in my personal space i will say he knows i would not make a scene at my best friend's wedding so i feel like this is why he chose to talk to me there he knew i would play nice he also has my phone number so he could have apologized

at any point in time prior to this but he chose to do it in front of others and then in all caps snake i guess in the grand scheme of things i'm glad that awkward situation is over because he knew we would see each other at this wedding however i wish i would have refused to talk to him i didn't deserve to be in that situation i do wish i would have stood my ground more i also realize i have not received one apology from the bride aka the urinator not one i'm actually realizing this as i type things what the fuck luckily there are no other mutual friends or events for us to see this couple and i'm so glad beyond glad what i really took away from this is that i'm happy i stuck up for myself i do wish looking back i held my ground more on conversations

i didn't feel comfortable having even small talk but that's an additional learning curve i also want to point out that i feel like i'm in a more positive headspace and in a better position in my life without them in it i feel at peace it's weird how removing someone toxic from your life really shifts your whole world signing out hopefully forever with no more problems signed the one and only trump ties maid of honor holy fuck yeah i'm so glad that you're finally done with this hopefully it seems like i mean there's no reason why you need to be around them anymore but i hate that you had to like touch them him and that he forced himself to touch you i really hate that um but at least it's over now yeah and i wouldn't beat yourself up about like i

wish i'd stood my ground like we all he wasn't gonna he wasn't honoring your boundaries already it's like he was gonna trample over them in general and you know small talk and all of that stuff like i don't you know sometimes like we keep the peace and it's not just for other people we also keep the peace for ourselves because we're like i really don't want to get into this here right now like yes i'll be sucky for my friend but also like i'm just not in the mood and i don't think he would have respected you think it was clear he wasn't respecting your boundaries so yeah i don't think you could have prevented him from doing it at all and we all look back on situations like that and think about if it would have happened again this is what i would have done

you don't you it's hard when you're in that situation to really fully process it at that time so there's always you're always going to look back and think about other things yeah and we always we do what we need to do for ourselves in that moment and then like you know afterwards it's not like we all wish that it could be like you when you practice a fight in your shower yeah you're kind of exactly uh-huh wow um it's fucked fucked but i'm also hoping that there is no more um non-consensual urination for you yeah i will never get over it i will never forget this thank you yeah thank you for your trauma becoming content for our podcast yeah this is number three update i believe yeah an icon you will forever me you we need we need like to make like a in

memoriam for like the icons of the podcast yeah that would be good yeah i still don't forgive you about your thoughts on the choco taco but yikes hey we can't all be perfect i know like hannah montana said nobody's perfect everybody makes mistakes everybody has those days i love it when i i can get in yeah something that you actually that i actually know mott's asked me the other day he's like was hannah montana on disney channel and i was like whoa whoa whoa dude what the fuck of course like where else would it have been he goes i don't know nickelodeon i was like no i carly and victoria's around nickelodeon he was like he was speaking a different language i have a picture of me with a shirt on but i'm very

drunk in it so i'll never share it it has her face on it from hannah montana oh hannah montana or miley it's hannah montana i would i like have looked on ebay for like vintage hannah montana t-shirts from like her walmart collab yeah that's what it was from i had it's so early 2000s because i have like one of those thick ass belts on her over it it's gold where's the photo i gotta find it but it's in i have um it's in a photo album that i have that's in this closet that i just moved but i saw the photo album so if you can send it to me maybe we can bless our podcast no i'm so drunken like so wasted i can like put a heart on your face maybe like i'm like so wasted in it i'm at a mexican restaurant for somebody's birthday and just wasted off margaritas oh yeah

i i know the feeling i know the feeling i have so many embarrassing pictures of her wasted but i still don't have a hannah montana t-shirt so if anyone has one hit me up i really really want one like a cute little baby t that's a hannah montana anyways um i guess i did we even explain we give advice on this podcast oh no we skipped all that sorry a little bit of it but like we give advice on the podcast and you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com you have to keep both under three minutes from when you're recording the voice memo from the time that you press like record and on the voicemail as soon as you hear that beep then

you have three minutes and to make best use of your time we suggest that you write everything out ahead of time all of the important information not bullet points but like write out a script and then time yourself practice see if it's over three minutes see if you are missing some key information make sure you include ages you should be ancient or over have your parents permission if you want to include your pronouns and pronouns of other people in the story but you know if it's about dating how long have you been dating if this is like you know there's a what's the ages of the person that you're you are what's your age who are you and the age of like the person other people in the story um and give us as much detail as possible because the more details the better we

can have like a grasp of the situation because we are an unbiased third party but we want to give you good advice even if we think you're wrong or if we think you're right but the only way that we can do that is if we have all of the information so yeah leave it there record it and you will heal yourself heal you heal and hear let's take a break and we're back from our break oh my gosh hi shall we give some wonderful advice hi megan and melissa i've been listening since the start of the podcast, but I am a first-time caller and finally have something I'd love your advice on. I am 29 and use she, her pronouns. I have an older brother who is 31, he, him. He married his wife,

31, she, her, in 2017, but they have been together since they graduated high school in 2009. She has been a part of my life and basically my sister-in-law for 13 years. For the most part, I've had a good relationship with her. And honestly, their early years together kind of made me closer with my brothers since she would include me to hang out with them. I also lived with them for a year back when I was in college, and I even moved into their neighborhood just down the street a few years ago, so they've always been in close proximity to me. I could tell things have been off with them for a while, but today my parents got confirmation from my brother that they are breaking it off and she has moved out. My mom just told me today. It sounds like it is a mutual breakup, and they've simply just drifted apart, especially since the pandemic.

I need advice on a few things. Now that I know I will be reaching out to my brother, but I need help navigating how to reach out to my sister-in-law. There is no bad blood between us, and I even considered her my friend for so long, so I'd like to let her know that I've appreciated her over the years and I wish her well. I guess to kind of say my goodbyes, too, I don't know if I could practically stay friends with her since she moved back with her grandparents, which is pretty far away, and I don't know that her or my brother would be comfortable with it anyway. I definitely want to say something, but I guess I'm just lost on what to say.

Saying something short and sweet seems too cold for how long she's been in my life. Also, when should I do this? Should I give it more time since it is so fresh? When would be an appropriate time? Last thing, is it weird that I feel like I'm mourning their relationship? I know that if they were unhappy that this is for the best for both of them, but I feel like I'm losing a friend and this big change in my brother's life changes some kind of dynamic that we all had i can't help but feel really emotional about it the thought that i

won't see her anymore just seems so sad and final thank you so much for any advice you have for me bye i don't think it's weird that you feel like you're mourning the relationship because she's your sister-in-law like that's family she's been part of your life for a long time as far as you know what to say when to say i would maybe ask your brother because if it's mutual and i've had people in my family that have divorced or separated but we still remained close to the uh in-law because there's they they're part of the family and they will always be part of the family so like I would ask your brother first like you know what's the situation how did because you know you said that your mom said they ended amicably but I would ask him specifically

like how are you doing and also would it be okay um if I reached out to her and he might be fine with y'all still having a relationship yeah logistically it might be hard but yeah but like i live far away from my sisters and i talk to them every day um like through text message and stuff but i think that you can if your brother is comfortable with it i think that you don't have to say goodbye to her it can still be like you're still family to me you're still my sister we're still gonna talk we can you know still keep in communication i'm not gonna see you all the time but you know if i want to text you or something tell you happy birthday see what's going on in your life then you know i'm i would still like to maintain that kind of uh relationship

yeah i personally would hope that she would reach out to you because i do think if it is amicable like it is easier like kind of knowing like i'm gonna wait until her brother tells her or like she knows from family and then you know she's been old she's older than you like then reaching out and just being like i just want to say blah blah blah to kind of give you because it does feel like you are kind of going in like in the dark like you don't really know much and so I would agree I think like I would talk to your brother first and I would specifically ask is there anything I should know before I reach out to her because you don't want to make either one of them unnecessarily like uncomfortable or like feel kind of put on the spot or say

something that is like completely not true or from one side of it because you're it's obvious that you're you're not you might have like let's say even if your brother cheated on her and it was like really not amicable it was really bad that is your family and so unless you were going to go go non-contact with your brother and take her side like literally and like physically and like then like you know you're spending time with her and you're like never seeing him again it is hard when it's family because passively you're always going to be on that kind of one side and so I think making sure like when you ask him to be like just really honest because you're like I don't want him I don't if she's not doing well or you're doing like worse like I don't want

to make either of you look bad to the other person in this and like even if it is so amicable like there's obviously still feelings there I say when to do it I would do it like as soon as possible like I think as soon as you talk to your brother and if it's okay um or ask your brother like do you think she would tell me or do you think I should I would be need to be the one because if he's like no I think she'll definitely want to tell you on her own time then I would wait for that but if that doesn't come for like weeks then I would reach out um but yeah I also agree I don't think it's weird like i was thinking about it in the sense that like if my my brother doesn't listen to this but like here okay if i have brother like him and his wife broke up like yeah

i would definitely be devastated and sad i don't see them as much but i think if like if matz's brother and his wife broke up like i would be so sad and i'm not even blood related to either of them so i don't think it's weird to mourn it also because you know like you're decently close like you're relatively close in age with your brother but you are younger that like at that time when you have like significant others of family members not in my personal like but like I didn't know my brother without his wife do you mean like it becomes like yes you're not blood related but when someone has been there through like your childhood like you don't know any different you know I mean like it wasn't until I was older that I realized my godfather was not blood related

to me like you don't know that and so I think that it's completely like a given um but I think the thing you you'd have to talk to your brother I think it's sometimes when the things are heard through the grapevine it's usually sometimes it can be like intentional but it's like I don't want to have to like reach out to all the people and tell them can you tell your mom and have your mom like do all of that um but other times it just happens and so I think it's just trying to get a gauge on the situation of what is the timing and what is the truth here and like how can you go about this delicately but then also know that you can't guarantee that and if your heart's in the right place which it is I think even if it's a little messy and like awkward I think that the

intention is there um and I always think it's a little bit better for me I would rather show that I really care about someone and have it be a little bit clunky then I'm not gonna say anything because like maybe they don't want me to say anything right yeah i mean right so that's like hard though that's like a very tough thing all right next call yes hi i'm 28 years old female she her and this is a story involves my younger stepbrother and his girlfriend both 20 years old he him and she her respectfully in the past month they dropped the news that they are pregnant it wasn't planned but they want to keep it because they both decided on wanting children prior At the time of finding out, though, they were on a road trip and were stopped in my town to visit me and the family here on the East Coast.

They were looking to move here prior to that. They had been living at my mom's place in L.A., and during that trip, my mom finalized the sale of her condo. All of us knew she was selling it before they went on this trip. My bro had quit his two jobs for this road trip slash move. I believe the girlfriend had also quit hers. Both my family and hers are working together to make sure they are taken care of for housing. for the next three months at least and will be staying in L.A. to keep close to her family. He was able to get one of his old jobs back.

She's not working at the moment, and they're living at her mother's place before moving to my mom's boyfriend's apartment next month. My primary concern among many is that they've never rented or paid bills while they were living with my mom, and now that a baby is involved, they're expected to be mentally and fiscally prepared. My last conversation with my brother on the subject of pregnancy was while they were visiting, and it has me stressed. I found out from the girlfriend initially but didn't ask her her thoughts on abortion and life circumstances because I didn't want to overwhelm her. When I asked my brother if abortion had been on the table, he told me he didn't believe in it. I asked what he meant by that, and he said he didn't feel that a baby should have to die for his mistakes.

I've always been adamant in my family that I support abortion, personal trauma, though. I grew up having an inkling that I was not planned I which I confirmed later because I always felt like I was a burden to my mom who divorced my father when I was young that's another story but dad's a major asshole so to hear my brother call it his mistake felt like a gut punch I know that that wasn't his intention but when I tried to push the conversation saying that there isn't a baby yet he said he didn't care about my feelings on abortion I think and he didn't want to argue I can't look at him or talk to him knowing that he feels this way but I still want to support them they've already told one of the grandparents and my sister is

looking into getting an apartment with them in LA to help them out so it looks more serious by the day I'm on the east coast there's not much I can do besides talking but it's just difficult to get over this he really hurt me and honestly I don't think he's ready to be a father in this mindset said, how should I talk to him moving forward, and how can I support him? I got 30 seconds left. Long-time listener, first-time caller, Aries. And I'm not sure on the brother, but he and her are both very responsible normally. So just be. just be you didn't tell us that we have to be um nice you didn't tell us that you're sensitive whatever it was it cut off it cut off i oh

this you took your personal experience and you made this about you yep and you're exactly what taking someone else's life and like you you set him up like he is pregnant with his girlfriend first of all it is incredibly inappropriate if you are not a his provider or you are not honestly i think as like a family member i think it comes from a place of like tends to be a lot more judgment than potentially a friend um but you found out that they were pregnant and keeping the baby and you brought up abortion yep that's like not okay i'm very pro abortion but i'm also very pro choice and exactly choosing to have a baby even if you are poor even if you uh have chronic health issues even if it was unplanned even if you were young even if you're

going to be on government assistance even if like you're going to have to figure it out along the way even if you don't have a plan like if you want to have a baby then have the baby and it's that's the thing about pro-choice it's your choice and you as the caller this is not your business like this has nothing to do with you you don't ask you don't wonder about somebody else's stance on abortion you don't set up other people to like project your own feelings about this like everything you did was so out of line this is terrible like it's not it's it's like the opposite end of pro birthers it's like you're trying to make them not have this child because you feel like you weren't wanted but he obviously wants this like saying that it's a mistake that i don't

know him so it probably was like you know it was an accident unplanned that's what he meant by this but he wants to have the baby and do not ask his partner what her thoughts are on on abortion that is i don't care if it's new i don't care if she's right at the cutoff mark where you can have an abortion like this is not your business you should not be talking to them about this and what you're doing is horrible and saying like well i don't know if they know their options they're 20 years old she knows they know what an abortion is like they know what that is and also you said like they both separately wanted kids and they decided to choose and keep it and just because that's not what you would do it's also so fucking hypocritical to me that you're

like oh he called it a mistake but then you say at the end like they're usually beside from this are usually very responsible yeah you're treating this like a mistake uh-huh and then you're then getting upset and offended and you're just making all of this about you like it's it's it's not about you and i completely understand the perspective of being like i i wasn't wanted like when people like oh well like what if you had been aborted i've been like cool great like would have avoided a lot of shit in life but there are people who have unwanted who have children that they didn't want who also did not choose even if they wanted like they could have wanted they could have known and been okay with getting an abortion but still chosen not to get an abortion

that is still choice right like and the fact that you're deciding that their situation because they haven't paid bills before and they haven't done all of this stuff is not up to par for you for like what parenthood looks like that goes into eugenics not pro-choice because inflict telling someone that they should be getting an abortion when you are not their medical provider and they are not in physical danger that is that that's you like you're being like well they're not responsible enough to have a child they don't have enough money to do this they're too young therefore that becomes like as opposed to forced birth that becomes like forced abortion right and i just think that like this came from a place of like

like it's projection yeah and also like you want to be like well now i'm really hurt because like he said he doesn't believe in like abortion and all that shit if you have never had a conversation with him before this and you only fucking bring it up when he tells you and you find out that him and his girlfriend are not pregnant they're having a baby that's the only time you brought it up that was intentional and it's shit i might have said something if someone said that to me when i was pregnant and i was deciding to keep the baby i'd have been like oh no i'm not doing like right that's an emotional response because it's a fucking setup and it's offensive and incredibly fucking hurtful and you want to play victim in this situation and i i completely understand why

they're like fuck off right and they have a support system they have other people helping them like why why do you feel like this is your problem why do you feel like you need that it's a problem to even to begin with that you need to solve it's incredibly selfish yeah and like if you weren't wanted that's very different than people who actively want their kid and got pregnant on an unplanned pregnancy I just yeah it just like this shit makes me like so mad because I was um I was I was definitely a pawn baby like I wasn't and I know that for a fact like I wasn't an intentional you know I wouldn't say I was an entrapment baby but I was you know they're still married but like i was that and i did not have like that wasn't good like that but that

wasn't un it wasn't an unwanted pregnancy it was an unwanted like childhood and like raising a kid or whatever but like it was used in that in that way and i have friends who one of my good friends like she got pregnant like she's like 14 or 15 and she's an amazing fucking mom and she had a support system and people could help her out but like she was a really young teen mom and she faced like so much bullshit and she was a better fucking parent than people who are financially like ready to have a kid and all of that shit and it's just like your idea of what is responsible and what is not responsible like you are the irresponsible one in the situation right and like if i were your like brother or your brother's girlfriend like i would not want to bring my kid around you

because you're the one telling them that they shouldn't want this kid right when they do want this kid and your thing is you're feeling like you were born and people didn't want you and that kid's going to be born and look at you and going she didn't want me here like you are becoming the exact thing that you are projecting right so i you're saying like i don't know how like how can i support them i don't know if you can at this point i don't in like if you are going to therapy and you can set this shit aside maybe but like i think you owe them like a huge apology and then i think you step back and you process your own trauma and your own shit because you are going to fuck like you will fuck up this kid if you project this same shit onto them because you're

gonna then look at them like you and be like oh you're so unwanted you're so unwanted you're so wanted like no all right on that note let's take a break we're back on to the rest of calls hi banging and melissa i'm calling because i'm worried for my friend's well-being i'm 27 and let's call her sammy she's 25 we met three years ago through my husband also 27 when i met her she had her own restaurant that her father gifted her she was living by herself and even though managing the restaurant was stressful she was very happy and a very bubbly bubbly person and that's until she met chad i'm not sure how old is chad i think 26 um they met two years ago and she felt hard for him chad used to work next door to the restaurant

and that's how they met until he got fired for not showing up because he was too drunk or hangover to show up um i lost touch with sandy for a year and in this period he moved in with her but because she fell into his lifestyle she lost the restaurant her nice apartment and her car and also her family she recently uh we recently saw each other and she told me that chad was in living in another country and she has she has been sending him money to support him, his child, and his ex for six months while also having to pay for their apartment here. When I found that, I was livid.

Me and my husband offered her to move in with us until she found a job and a place here because she's currently living in another state and we want her to be closer to us and her family. but she said she wanted to wait for chad and talk to him first chad has been back for a month now and today she called me to tell me that they're getting evicted because they're very behind on rent and chad is suggesting they rent the room but my friend is not happy about it chad is working right now but the money that they make goes to his family in another country and the rest to booths um i've talked to sammy and she just makes excuses for him and their situation and i just care about her um this is just just tip of the iceberg it's just being worse things um i'm

planning on picking her up by the end of the month and just making her stay with me until she can find a job and a place here i know she's a her with end and but just needs an extra push to just leave chad um please let me know if i'm doing the right thing or if i should do something different messy yeah this is awful this guy wasn't responsible to begin with like he lost his job because he was drunk and not showing up to work i am glad that she has you as a friend um i mean this is one of those things where it's like really hard and it feels like this has been going on and on and on and i'm not usually one in these situations where i'm kind of just like take your time with these things i say usually i'm like take your time don't go too hard don't

push people away you want them to have like a safe place and that but like if you have been friends there for a long time and like you know in your gut that if you pick her up and you're like give me your fucking phone you're not talking to him like if you like fucking like military this shit and you do that and you know that that's what she needs to snap out of it i'm not opposed to that but you do need to be confident in that or have no idea what else there is to do because I think that like yeah that's like a very extreme thing but if she's like states over and you know you're offering for her to come move in and all that stuff like it does that does require some proactive and like follow through on her part

and if you think that's like the only place where it's like lacking and you think that if you made it easier that she would like jump at the opportunity and you're willing to go the extra mile like I don't think that there's anything wrong with that but you just those extreme reactions either they work or they backfire but at the same time if you're kind of out of options like I'm I'm sort of a believer of like if it's gonna backfire it's gonna backfire like but I'd rather do it than not do it because I've tried everything else um I also might you know you said she like lost like a lot of her family like I don't know if you meant that like she has pushed them away and like they're like very over it and stuff but I think or that they passed away yeah

that's like I don't know the difference of that but you said that they're closer to you than her um and sometimes proximity really is all like you feel trapped when you are farther away and it is kind of hard to ask for if she's opening up and venting to you about all this stuff and like still after all this time and it doesn't seem like you have hidden your feelings about the situation um if he's not like physically or emotionally abusive like him working and then spending all of the money on other people like that is like financial abuse and financial control so like her reaching out to you and telling you all this bullshit like might be the only way that she can feel comfortable being like i would do this but i she might not feel ready to say like

i can't afford to get to you yeah so i think like i don't know like i'm i'm i would do i at the top of my head i can't think of anything else to do and if you think that she's at her width end i think you need to like trust your gut and make sure you're not doing what you would want like you're really paying attention to her and like how she reacts and how she behaves um but i don't think there's anything wrong with um like extreme reactions and tough love especially in situations where people are either physically or financially kind of stuck in that cycle yeah that's kind of like why i didn't know what advice to give but it's because i feel like you're doing the right thing yeah like you're doing what needs to be done in this situation so i think like if i was in the

same type of situation where my friend was giving money to someone which then put them behind on their own rent where they i guess are technically on a lease together i would guess since you said it was their apartment then i would be like you know come live with me um save some money but like you cannot send money to him yeah why did he move i don't know this like out of the country is i don't know i don't know i'm wondering if he has like child support in because if he's sending money to his kid like ex and kid in a different place i wonder if if like your friend is on the lease for everything like he might he might have like child support in i don't know how child support goes in other places the united states like if you don't pay child support they just

take it out well you can't like you can't be on like a lease you can't have a car like you can't like all of this other shit so um yeah yeah this is just like it's he's when you get those people that just like kind of like trap you into like their web and she might feel like she's been she's too far gone in this and she's like too far deep in it and there's a level of like and she shouldn't feel like that but there's a level of like embarrassment to that and i think that a way to surpass that embarrassment is to like take the take action of being like i'm gonna come pick you up on this day or like you just show up like hey i'm in town we're gonna pack yourself and we're gone like we're done like bullshit like i would do that to one of my

friends like i would be like i love you but like you're not thinking straight right now and i know you and let's say you did three months this doesn't work then we'll reevaluate this but like i'm we're doing this right now yeah and i'm i'm curious too because you said you lost touch for like a year if this was him forcing it so that she would be separated from her family and friends and that goes along with like her losing family members if it was like they passed away or if he was separating because that's what manipulators and abusers do is they separate you and now that you are back in touch if this is actually like her asking for help without asking for help yeah i think if you haven't spoken to her and lost touch in a year and then you catch up and she's

telling you all of this shit this stuff there's only so much that your pride will let you do like i'm i'm incredibly impressed that she's this has continued to be this forthcoming about her shitty fucking relationship with you especially if there was like a long break in your relationship this to me is the asking for help yeah and it might be a little bit more embarrassing for her to say like i can you come pick me up i need like that might feel like too much so i think that like you do take the initiative because at this point i don't know whether there's anything else you can do yeah and i would do it i would just get in the fucking car i'll buy you new shit if you were if you don't want to not going to pack your shit like we're done this is like bullshit

so please update us yeah hey megan melissa i'm 21 years old go by she her pronouns and i am in my last year of undergrad yesterday the literary journal for my college came out and there are two poems and they're clearly about me that were written by my ex he's 22 and uses he him pronouns he's a recent alumni of the school i read the poem the poems to my mom and my current partner both of whom said that they are clearly about me my boyfriend's words were it is undeniably about you these poems are not identifiable um or they're not identifiably me to the point of anyone being able to know that they're me but they are anyway it's clear to me that they're about me I thought I wasn't going to have to see my ex anymore after he graduated but he is also participating in

readings as an alumnus and I would like to go to these readings or participate myself to support my professors and my peers and he will be there and to give some context about our relationship it was a lot of me setting a boundary some overstepping and pairing that with smothering me in some way, shape, or form, then guilting me for not being grateful and not understanding why I was upset, making me doubt my own feelings in the relationship. I broke up with him three times throughout the relationship, but when it finally ended for good, it was a messy breakup, and I ended up the bad guy. I kissed someone else, and he was upset about this, though we had broken up, but we're still

physical. It was all really confusing for me, honestly, and I didn't know how to get out of the relationship. do you have any advice on how to handle these professional events where i will have to see him so the thing about art in any type of way shape or form it comes from a part of who you are like you write what you know so um i think the thing is is like if it were me i would be so flattered like i i would tell everybody i'm still yeah like i'm still in your head all the time so i think because this is a professional thing like you don't have to go in there like saying that or even like acknowledge it to him but if you think that in your mind and you walk in like i'm the

baddest bitch that's walking in here because he's gonna be doing this reading that's about me that i'm still living rent-free in his head like all these people are exalting him he got published because he was thinking about me you're welcome this much i am responsible for his success great yeah i i so agree with that art is one of those things that like there were two people in your relationship and both of you have as much onus of that story of your relationship as the other one does and like the thing with breakups and even if you're still together any relationship like two people can interpret a situation very differently and also people can lie and they can make themselves look better and do whatever it is and he these poems i don't know what how they're

written you're not saying that they're written seemingly they're probably not written the most flattering light but what is more of a boss move getting writing writing a poem where you are kind of fudging the truth to make yourself look better but and like just like and like in that relationship or you new relationship happy great and still like unless that's still the muse after you've already broken up so like i think it's so much more about your attitude in this like i think like the you have options of being like diminishing of like it of being like oh yeah he yeah i was like yeah it's like no one's gonna know it's about you so you either you own it of like oh yeah that's yeah that one oh yeah we used to take that one's about me like you know he's having a

hard time getting over it you do that or you play like completely dumb and you're like oh that if someone's like oh have you ever heard this like guy perform before you're like oh i don't know i don't he looks kind of familiar but like i don't think so like you get to choose what you want to do and like what is a what's professional in this setting but you are either gonna have to be like confident and like oh whatever this is so like I don't want to say petty about it but I mean it in like in like the most adult way ever where it's just kind of like it's not starting any drama but it's just like it's a fact it is what it is and you have to act in the same way that it's like oh again another ex-boyfriend got poems published about me like it either has to be

like a so casual this happens to me all the time or you're like both instances it needs to not be important at all because the only time it becomes unprofessional is when emotions get involved and there are emotions on his end but not your end so you either are laissez-faire do not care or i'm being clueless about it but neither of them can come from a place of like emotion and then if he is somehow in the same circle and wants the emotional aspect he needs to be the one to put all of that in and then he looks unprofessional not you right but also like everything i've written like it has a piece of some relationship whether it's like an ex or like a friendship or like family ship what is that is it family ship i don't know kinship kinship i was like family

i've never heard that yeah i've never heard it but i was trying to yeah kinship like some type of like aspect of a relationship everything that i've written it because you write what you know like it's a part of me and it doesn't mean that i necessarily like feel still emotionally attached to that person it's because it is my live situation and so i've taken it and i don't anything that i've done it's never been like this is exactly what happened in the situation because that's boring you dramatize it a little bit to make it you know seem better make it seem more what people would like to consume and so i i wouldn't take it like it is personal but i wouldn't take it like he's trying to bad mouth you or like it's not identifiable right like also

like if he named it like your name then yes then that would be one thing but like yeah he's making it so like people that know you believe it's about you but like and that's after you've presented to the presented it to them and said hey what do you think about this but like if they just like read it would they know it was about you probably not yeah and also can you imagine if he didn't write it like imagine he writes about like every person he's ever dated and he doesn't write about you I would actually be way more offended if you didn't write about me but also frame it in the sense that like singers in happy relationships write breakup songs but they do they draw on their own experience not because like that's how you actively feel in that emotion but because it's

easier to describe an emotion and honestly I think the best art comes usually from processed emotions and it's like looking back on this and like this is how i can like shit half the advice we give here it's not from things that we're actively going through or like our own personal experiences of things that we've processed but people taylor swift writes breakup songs like she write i mean she's one that i'm very into the lore of it all but like there are lots of artists who write makeup complete stories but then also there's a lot of people who like write things that didn't even directly happen to them but happened to like their friends and then the kind and responsible thing to do in that is to not have any identifiable details there and you shouldn't

be like profiting off of somebody's trauma if it is so incredibly tied to them I think like yeah there's like an ethical gray area of profiting off of someone's trauma if you are I mean if you are caused in the trauma and you are a part of that I think it's without a doubt very bad if you are a third party who is not involved at all but we all view relationships differently and you know I don't think that it sounds like it was a very toxic relationship on his end and like I do think that in those relationships you don't necessarily know how to end it and sometimes you can then the only way you feel is like to be toxic back I don't think that you know there's anything like wrong with that but he experienced it just as much as you did so like he's I don't

want to pull like a you know don't date a writer or don't date an artist if you don't want your art there are you to come up in their art at some point and like half the time sometimes it's like you said it's so not even about you sometimes it's even just like I'm lazy and I'd rather just like draw off of something that already happened and I know so I can just like but that's not even lazy but I'm saying like even if it was like if he was like let's say that he was like a big fiction writer or whatever and it's like if even if he's not coming out from this point of like oh this I feel like i could tell a really good story but it's like oh i can just all like do this thing about this this this like who knows if this is even like the the two poems were his favorite

or the ones that he submitted that like he liked the most and he put the most effort into like this could have been like the throwaway ones that they ended up accepting and like it might feel like when you put this importance on it you actually don't even know if he put that importance on it you know i mean right like it could have been i don't want to say this in a mean way like these could have been throwaway poems for him this could have been just the rough draft like things that and these were the ones that they ended up liking out of like 50 or 100 or something but you just being professional is the the only thing that you need to do and can do to be professional in this situation is remove your emotions from it right right that's it and yeah

i would be flattered yeah like i'm sure everyone i'd wrote about in my book is flattered i think about that a lot when i'm writing things yeah and sometimes i'm like you should be and other times i'm like you shouldn't be it's just so whatever like you are just a vessel for a lesson that i was taught in this situation well i guess that's it for the episode yes it is that is it for episode we hope you enjoyed please give us a call so we can give you some advice leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com everything i said at the beginning is all the same requirements if you have an update shoot us an email and um we can either you can we'll figure out if you can call us or we can

also figure out if you want to send a voice memo update or if you want to send us an email update or something but shoot us an email same address um i would like to solicit some uh advice questions just like some raunchy so it's just something like wild you know yeah like somebody spit in your mouth wait chris pine calls harry styles spit on me please we would love to hear it and if you have a pulse go leave us a review on the podcast app we appreciate it we do have one

oh let's see if it's good it is I already read it that's how I knew we had one and you can also make sure you subscribe on apple podcasts and or wherever you listen to your podcast so then you can get push notifications for every time there's a brand new episode so I will be like laying in bed and I'll be like midnight new app and I'm like oh

who are these sexy girls like oh Melissa actually got it up on time just joking i always get it you always get up on time all right so this says review update from mrs nope sometimes you get advice by accident and it's exactly what you need to hear this is still my favorite podcast and my thing that keeps me company on my way to therapy thank you ladies for always being right and it's the nail polish emoji oh you're welcome for always being right it is a burden that we carry yep thanks mrs nope thanks mrs nope oh if you're still listening head on over to the instagram and go comment

oh go comment what song you wish someone wrote about you it could be like a petty song it could be like a wow like you fucked this person's life up so much like iconic do you want to be delilah and hey there Delilah honestly hard no it's like creepy but what romantic song anything that you wish that you were the inspiration behind it I like that I feel like I would have to pick mine I will comment mine on the post um and I'm definitely gonna have to find one that has my name in the title because I want everyone to know it's about me good or bad famous or infamous okay she's a Leo okay we will see you next time goodbye Thank you.