Don't Blame Me! - My Sister Abandoned Her 3 Kids

Episode Date: June 6, 2022

We’ve been gone for two weeks, but we’re back and very chatty, so this is a long one.  Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Moving on from a long term relationship How to be an actor Family not dealing with familial issues Don't Blame Them: Dealing with an overbearing “mentor” Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/by.meghan.and.melisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. We've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st.

Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. hey hello welcome to the best podcast tied with our other podcasts and i love the podcast melissa makes oh my gosh it's a brand new episode of don't blame me hi hi that sounded like a selene dion impression but not like in a good way oh okay uh that was traumatizing that just reminded me of when the kid in high school asked me if i had ever seen harry potter and i was like yeah and he's like you look like hermione and i said thank you and he goes that was not a compliment and i was like rude yeah and then he like tried to ask me to prom later and one of my friends was like don't ask her and he's like why like she's hot now like i think it'd be fun to go with her

and she was like she doesn't did not forget when you hold her she looks like hermione but also it's a cute kid no but he meant he said hermione from the books and she's not described as being cute in the books and my front teeth are quite large and just know that they have gotten smaller as i've gotten they were way bigger when i was younger from nine on things i got them shaved down like a bunch of like over the course of like i think maybe once in middle school but a good like some in high school i used to have what did they call i almost called them malamars that's like that can't that cookie from like gilmore girls no but i forget what it's called but those like uh when on baby teeth those little kids have like ridges i had that on like

all my adult teeth i still have like a little bit like because it's just how my teeth are but they shaved down a lot more of them that makes sense for your resemblance to amy schumer as a kid too because that's how her teeth are yeah yeah yeah so that's very much that's me and amy schumer um and also apparently me and hermione from the books so nice so nice i the amy schumer one though is like actually if anybody has seen pictures of me as a baby just know that like me as a baby grew up to be amy schumer like it did not grow up to be me like that baby is amy schumer yeah like her even her baby looks like you as a baby and it's funny because like i don't think Amy Schumer and I don't look alike at all now like I definitely think we look like

we could be in the same family like resemblance but like me as a baby like I was supposed to grow up and look exactly like Amy Schumer yeah so funny well welcome to the podcast a brand new episode we have been doing replays for the last couple episodes because and I talk about this in this week's episode of but am I wrong I moved then I got sick Melissa was out of town and then she got sick and so we just like overlapped on wellness we only took two weeks off of recording but that in turn like ends up being a little bit longer for episodes coming out it's still two weeks oh like i guess i'm thinking of like there's two podcasts so it's like four episodes yeah but yeah so we're happy to be back what's up with you oh i guess hi i'm megan and hi i'm melissa

what's up with me i was in arkansas for two weeks we found out i don't even remember which podcast we discussed scholars on um i don't know if it was this one or the other one but uh you and i were talking about like do scholars exist anymore philosophers exist philosophers yes philosophers of course scholars sorry everybody who's there with their little fucking ribbon sashes being like excuse me like i have my little braids i am so sorry i meant philosopher not scholar um and that's what my mom's doctorate is so we've known one all along maybe it's about the friends he made along the way maybe that's the real journey here i died when you texted me that i was like you're like oh so it turns out like i guess it's my mom's

and i was like that's so fucking funny that this is we do know i knew what the um concentration was in but i didn't know that it's a doctorate of philosophy so i didn't even know you could study philosophy in college and like i thought it was just like you can think like you become a philosopher like okay aristotle we get to make a marble statue of your mom she'd love it because the ass would be so big and she was gonna be a lot of material yeah i paid off my car which i'm very excited about that's about all that's new what about you that's great question i'm still unpacking you'll probably still be for months that's my point exactly is that like it is an ordeal and i've posted some vlogs on that but we it was it's a transition from going our old

apartment was like 2000 square feet this place technically I think it's like oh like 1200 or 1300 square feet it doesn't it feels way bigger than that I think also just because of like the layout and the lot is really big despite the fact that it doesn't feel that much smaller it is when it comes to unpacking where I'm like oh and there I've unpacked into everything I can unpack so I guess I should now go through and additionally purge and get rid of things so it's a lot of like figuring that shit out but it's been it's been really fun it's so funny because it's another one of those life events that you're like who let me do this like we have no idea what we're doing and it's like comical like we're like trying to figure out how to take out

these doors in the closet and I'm getting all these messages from people who are like yeah just take a sledgehammer that's what we did at my house and I'm like so we're all just like a bunch of toddlers playing house in these places that we own just like throwing shit against the wall trying to figure it out i mean there's literally places or that are called like what are they rage places or whatever where you can go and use sledge sledgehammers to destroy things so you can do that in your home why not i'm drunk with power like it's just crazy but i'm kind of scared of you with a sledgehammer though same because you're very clumsy oh i would drop it and i have impulse control issues. And so that's why I'm like, I am my own biggest enabler where I'm like,

you have to do this thing immediately right now or else you will never be happy. And this is like the thing that will solve all of your problems. You have to do it right now. It's like itching a mosquito bite. But then if I just shut the door and walk away, I forget about it and I don't have to do it. And I know if I did all of these things that I immediately want to do like right then and there, that's how I dropped a giant glass tabletop and shattered it. Like I just am not careful. So I'm learning. And the same thing with like furnishing and like decorating. And so I've been really practicing like taking my time and researching a lot of stuff. So it's definitely like the slowest kind of move in we've had, but it's really exciting. and like we have like a very large yard um and so we've we've been spending like our weekends raking the leaves and then like deciding how we're going to like change the ground here and

then cleaning out like all of this like different random shit like we just spend every week come inside after spending hours outside like both of us like dirt under our fingernails and just like sweaty and i was like this is like so cool like it's i'm having lots of stress but we're both having fun with it it's kind of like i don't know it's really cool and our neighbors have been so helpful like everyone sees us like out in our yard and uh like introduces themselves like let us know if you need any help like we've been here for like years we have ladders we have tools we're really handy if you need help because i keep telling everyone we're first-time homebuyers we don't really know what we're doing and all these like old people just keep offering to help

which is sweet it's just it's a very cool experience and i can't wait for you to come see it you should if you have time this week maybe this weekend yeah i was thinking it already but leaf breaking i just want to go back to this i feel like during the springtime because this is still technically spring the leaves are out of control right now like i feel like it's more so than last year like every day i have to go out on my side deck and sweep off my furniture because the leaves are everywhere my the lawn guy was here yesterday at six o'clock in the morning mowing the grass jail oh it was so annoying but like he cleaned up the whole yard today i look out there it looks like he didn't do anything that makes me feel better yeah so like i'm just like

i'm just gonna let it be and then just clean off my furniture when i'm sitting there because it's just gonna make me stressed out every day oh yeah our issue is that like most of our like a large we have a little bit of grass but like unless you want to break the law you can't really have like a green like lawn in southern california like it's it's literally illegal to water every day and so we have like in one section it's like mostly wood chips we have and they're like treated to like you know not be like literally like kindling for a fire but they're still wood chips and so then when dry dead leaves fall on it my native california ass just sees like our whole house is gonna get set on fire so i'm literally individually picking up these leaves because

you can't you can't rake the wood chips because the leaves because they're the same size as the wood chips and it's been like the bane of my existence but i think we're gonna exchange it for a clover lawn and which is like really great for biodiversity and like bees and it only grows been seeing it on the tiktok same that's where i discovered it so it's beautiful cozy i've heard it's like soft and plush to walk on and like is like really just like gorgeous and one of my best friends just graduated um from an ivy league with landscape architecture degree and i want to be like oh hi hello would you what is your friends and family discount for a quick little um consultation about what we should do here yeah melanie has melanie melanie's yard is clovers

and i was like oh i love this can you have her send pictures i would love to see like up close because i've seen like on tiktok and stuff but like i think it would look really nice and so it's just been like fun to like be on pinterest and just like look at all these different things and i'm just really obviously our house is old and there's like shit that happens we have to figure out and like save for whatever but i'm excited i don't have like any buyers regret which thank god it's the most expensive thing we've ever bought but like yeah it's like i'm so every day that we're here i'm so happy we didn't get a different house and i'm so happy we got this house because like there's nothing that we have to change to like make it immediately livable and

it's like everything is doable right now and like we just get to like dream up these projects that we want to do and then time when we want to do them and it's not like some of these other places we looked at were like really busy streets with like no parking and like the one that had like like 75 or like 150 stairs to get up there and i was just like okay this is this is nice i'm i'm glad this is what we got so sending you know good house buying vibes to anybody who's trying to buy home right now apparently it might get a little easier yeah i've been seeing that yeah we'll see i'm sure it'll somehow get fucked up all over again that's just the cyclical nature of the economy unfortunately i think what they're saying that is making it get better is that interest

rates have skyrocketed and so therefore there's just like it's less competition but therefore it's not easier to buy a house unless your only issue was the competition you know i mean but like there's so many different factors eventually it's going to get to the point where everybody feels like they need to sell their house so they're because they think it's a buyer's market and then when i mean a seller's market and then it'll get too saturated then it's going to crash again it just that's just how it goes yeah it's it's brutal but excited for you to see it yeah me too well that's what's new with us so this is don't blame me if you're new here we are an advice podcast where we give amazing wonderful life-changing advice and you might be wondering

what do these two supermodels scientists and nobel prize winning women hold on i was gonna fuck up something so i'm just gonna let you keep going with the flow are you being megan today yep what are you looking i need everyone watch on on the video version because this is just talking to her mouthing words to herself figuring out what she's trying to say that's me like you're being me the short i am i gotta figure out how to uh pronounce this word a noble laureate laureate thank you is that one word l-a-u-r-e-a-t-e and then noble or nobel well i was just saying lawyer see lawyers laureate laureate it is two words but i was just saying it as a separate thought that does that is actually what i was thinking of as like we're the nobel

women but it is nobel laureate no see you know nobel laureate i thought you were going with nobel peace prize winners and so are those not the same thing i don't think so who's noble who's nobel no does this person have like a peace prize and the writing one i don't know hold on nobel peace prize that's one thing i think that's the only thing there is okay then what were you talking about laureate you said i thought you were referencing the nobel peace prize and i goes i was that's why the laureate fits i don't think there's another okay got it got it okay oh you I meant, like, noble, like, knighted, like, royalty woman. Yes, yes, yes.

Everybody's screaming in their cars being like, you dumb bitches. Noble versus Nobel. Noble, Nobel. Two different things spelled the same way. You can be a laureate, and you can also have a Nobel Peace Prize. We had two separate thoughts, but... Wait, no, now I'm confused. I thought Nobel laureates, Nobel laureates are winners of the Nobel Peace Prize. but you can also just be like somebody that's noble that has like has won a prize like and

then would that also make you a noble laureate a personal organization award with a noble prize is called a noble prize laureate laureate is refers to being signified by a laurel wreath so if i just put a laurel wreath on my head i might not be a noble laureate but i am a laureate and that's probably why when you win a film festival it has a little wreath thing and it's a laureate i my brain almost went to and is that why you get lays put on you what at graduation but no that's not on your head no but didn't scholars used to wear the little things in their head i think so yes yes wow like socrates philosophers really dumb we sound really dumb but like we were talking about two separate things but came to the same conclusion

yes and also ask me any if anyone wants to say that this was a dumb conversation ask me about other shit ask melissa about general hospital ask me about anything like all these we will own you like i know things i got an argument with the other day about somebody talking about something on about general hospital and i came with a whole essay plus clips to back up my essay like they were going back and forth and then I was like let me just school them real quick and so then I had my direct quotes as well as clips that I found even from like 40 years ago and then they're like oh thank you and I said you're welcome I would like to know how many awards and like karma your sub your reddit account has received because like oh I have right I can tell you that's what I want

to know with general even with general hospital i had a friend that was auditioning for a part on general hospital and they had a scene that had the names changed and i was like i know exactly what this scene is i found it in two minutes and gave it to them so that they knew what exactly was being talked about maybe you should be an acting coach for people trying to get on soaps like you could be you could be like they call like scripties you would be like not even the scripty you would be like the bible like you would be the like the the uh general hospital bible and you're like i'm here for hire just general hospital do you want to hire me or like actors who are trying to get on it like and i would love that because they met the new writers they have on

or they've been the head writers for a couple years but they keep fucking up history and i'm like the information's there how are y'all fucking this up but i digress i love it i still would like to say my favorite general hospital moment with us personally together was every time i see a tv screen on a like a doctor's office i will be like oh this is soap opera and i sent a picture to you and i sent like four different like i think it happened like three or four different times and i was like is this general hospital and then you finally responded and you're like uh if they're in a hospital or they're wearing scrubs it's highly likely that that's probably general hospital and i was like oh fair point no no no that's not what happened no it's not though because they have

there's a hospital and all the other shows but what happened was you sent me a clip from a guy and you're like i don't think this is general hospital because he's not in the hospital and i said yes there's actually general hospital was peter august he was in a cave but yeah um that you're right that was it where i was like this is a soap on i don't think it's your one though because he's not they're not in a hospital and there was another one where i was like this one's not your soap either because they're in jail and you were like no that is also general it's just the meds and i was like okay i have yet to see anyone wearing scrubs so i feel like i've been led astray by this show no it's it's truly at this point general hospital

is a lot of in the 90s it kind of they kind of changed it to a lot of mob storylines and so it got people started calling general mob mob spittle but like they're in the hospital a lot it's just like they're not in it as much as they would have been back in like the 80s 70s 60s the 90s loved a good mobster yeah that's so funny wow i'm never not enthusiastically in awe and shocked by the storylines on these soap operas that you will then post on your instagram stories like it's just i get why you love it and it also yeah i understand the pipeline from watches soap operas to messy tiktok yeah it's a straight line i like everybody yeah the most of the stuff i was posting on tick on instagram was from days of our lives though because that one was more supernatural yeah that

was like because it was the most chaotic it actually got really worse but it wasn't as funny because it was in an old lady when you were when i was posting and now and it got like down to her grandkids they're in their 20s so it wasn't as funny as seeing an old lady throwing a man across the table because like that shit's funny that was it was good i'm intrigued oh well there's your weekly um soap scoop soap scoop yeah word advice podcast we took so many fucking segues we give advice because we fucking want to and we can okay and that's the reason so if you guys want it too or while yeah to get sudsy with us you want to get so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio

message at meganpodcast.gmail.com. Keep it under three minutes. We ask that you write it down and time it out ahead of time. Just pull out the timer app on your phone. Make sure it's under three minutes. You have all the relevant and important information like ages, relationships, how long you've been dating. And if you want to let us know your pronouns, please do. But we do recommend writing it down and reading if that's possible for you, just because we can give you the best advice if it's the best call with the most relevant information. And everybody thinks that they can just talk off the top of their head and then everyone calls back and they're like i fucked up i'm so sorry please ignore that call i'm reading this one now and this one will be better

we promise it'll be a lot uh if it's within you if it's in their capabilities i think you will be less stressed recording too we keep it all anonymous i have to be i have to be i have to be 18 or over have your parents have to be 18 into your roots australian no what's that australian no but your sound is australian oh i ate the potatoes i ate the potatoes that's all i can say don't tell my dead grandparents that i was making fun of american celebrating saint patrick's day is it making fun of or is it protecting your culture i am protecting my culture from the chats okay that's what i'm doing anyways we're gonna give some wonderful advice and i say that because you can sound convinced that it was gonna be wonderful it's gonna be wonderful give some

wonderful advice i guess we will unless we choose chaos hi megan i'm 23 and i could really use your advice on a few things going on in my life right now um so i'm recently single my girlfriend and i of almost three years today would have been our three-year anniversary just broke up about a week ago she broke up with me since in a few months we would have had to go long distance and we've been dating since we were since she was 19 and I was 20 and we were each other's first kiss first like sexual partner first everything and for the past three years it really was to me it felt like a perfect relationship and I thought she was the person I would spend the rest of my life with. But since we would have to go long

distance for graduate school soon, she is graduating college soon, and both of us are headed on to graduate programs, she felt that since we got together so early in life, she felt like she needed to become more independent, and combined with a few other factors, she decided to break it off, which really sucks, because I really, really do love her. So I guess I just need advice on how to move on from a long-term, really serious relationship. And since I'm going to graduate school in the fall, I'll be moving to a completely new city. I don't know anyone in the city, so I need some advice on trying to find new friends in a new city. I'm a really anxious sort of person and since i didn't know until recently we were going to break up going to

graduate school it feels really scary to be moving to a different place when one of the people you thought you had in your life is no longer there so thanks for any advice you have have a good day i guess should i just speak because you aren't interested in this call yep i don't know maybe when she said hi and then it was the pause maybe it cut out there but you know but then it was you go first singular that it was like you you and i'm there's two first impressions mean everything everyone just like we're listening to these so that being said this sucks like this like very much sucks i think that you seem still very much in love with your girlfriend and i think that it's only been a week so there are like the natural stages of going through a breakup and I

as an outsider the one you kind of jump to usually is like anger or like fuck them kind of or whatever and I don't think you're there yet but I think that you're going to kind of get there and I think you can still really like have all this fondness and like love to her but like arbitrarily like finding out that your partner is just like not wanting to do like long distance when that has like not been communicated at all and like it was either you were under the impression or it was like communicated before that like you were going to be long distance I do think it's kind of an asshole sort of move I don't think that it makes her like a bad person for breaking up with you and like kind of like launching all of this change kind of at once but I do think like

lack of communication I think it's very normal to feel like you're kind of floundering because it's a lot of change all at once basically and I don't think though that her like reasoning for this is I don't want to say like unique but like it's it's so not about you and just because you felt like oh this is perfect like they're the one I think that's probably how you feel right now but I don't think that anybody who's dated someone since they were a teenager gets into like their late 20s and not once ever has like a thought or a feeling of like I don't really know myself out of this relationship like I think like she might have just had those feelings before you but I don't think that those feelings you would have never had those feelings either I just think

it's kind of par for the course for getting with someone when you're so so young and then going through all this change in your life and I think that if it was perfect and this was the one and all of that like then this wouldn't have happened like I don't believe that the perfect person and the one I believe that like it works out like I don't necessarily believe that there is like one person for everyone but I think like if it's going to work out it will and I don't think that like there's if you're like a good partner and like there's like it's not abusive and you care about like each other anything else about the outcome of your relationship is out of out of your control it's kind of just life and so I hope that you don't think that there's like things that

you like could have done and changed and I always hate the when people are like well it could have been worse but to put a little bit in perspective not saying that one is worse than the other But I had a friend who went away to school and her partner for like, I think they were together for a kind of a somewhat of a similar age range. But I think they were together from like 17, 16, 17, maybe until they were like 18, 19, 18. team um and he waited to break up with her until when like basically the day that she moved to college and like she was there and they were doing long distance and they maybe did it for like a couple days and he broke up with her long distance while she was there and he always thought that it didn't really wasn't really going to work out there wasn't communication she wasn't

under that impression and he thought that doing it while she was experiencing this new change would like make her feel like oh i'll just do this here like she's got this other like this change is like good stuff kind of going on and so like it'll be a distraction and she was having a horrible time like she was really not adjusting a lot of the change she really was having regrets about the move she was really not enjoying it and then she didn't have the opportunity to process those two things like separately and i think when you go into a new city and we preach over and over and over again here that we're like long distance should have an end date we don't think you should not that you're moving there for her like this was going to be long distance but I think that

there is something like independence is like the good word of like the it's the same thing as kind of being alone or like it's the empowerment of being like alone and I think that you have the ability now to go into a new city without without anything not that she would hold you back But you get to meet people and find out if they're going to be friends or someone you might have a crush on and you're not going to like maybe second guess if you're going to like spend more time with this person because you don't want it to be disrespectful to your relationship. Like I think going into a new city, it's about your perspective of it can equally be both really scary, but also really invigorating to feel kind of untethered. And that puts a lot of responsibility and like onus on you of like how the choices you're going to make with your life. And I think that it's a scary, stressful, anxious, anxiety inducing time. But I think that you will probably pleasantly surprise yourself with like who you are outside of this relationship as like a person because you don't really know. And I think that's a really I think it's a really cool, empowering thing when you see people who've gotten out of long term relationships step out into their own because you might feel really insecure about it. But every time I've witnessed a friend do that, I'm like, wow, this is like I love this person who you have really become like you've learned so much about yourself even within a relationship.

But it's hard. Yeah, I think this is a time for if you shift your focus or your perspective on it, this is your time to grow and learn who you are, not who you are as a couple. There's a lot of life changing things that are going on here. You've graduated from college, you're going to grad school, you're going to a new city and you're single for the first time in a long time. and there's a lot of it not just like with her breaking up with you but there's just a lot of shock here like there's a lot of things that are on you that from your like perspective that was kind of like the relationship was something that was a constant in your life and now you don't have that and so i i think like looking at this from perspective of like i'm that new bitch like i

that person like when you move into a new like when you see it in like high school shows when somebody moves in from a new high school and everybody's like who's that and there's like this mystery and intrigue treat your life like that like you're like the new hot shit that's coming into a new place you're going to a new school you're going to be around new people immerse yourself in the city immerses yourself in your building new friends whatever like the cultures around your school and who you are just like as an individual and i think this is like a good time for you don't think of it as being dumped like this is like i'm in my shining like main character moment in my life well it's something you said just sparked something in me

where it was like you caller your girlfriend was your security blanket and now you need to be your own security blanket like you are your security blanket like this is about you you are the you are the constant in this and like yeah this is your main character era I hello new city like I'm here to fuck shit up and I think that like I never want it to sound like I have like I have like ill thoughts or I think negatively of people who are in long-term relationships and I meet them but I just know the experience I didn't have a great college experience yes we know that but like the relationship that I had with my friends and like classmates sorority sisters who were in long-distance relationships was vastly different than the ones that weren't that we were really

kind of going through things at the same time and era and at this time in your life this is such a I hate the term grind but like high school to grind colleges like all of these things we were like working in it where you look for your comrades in that and I think it it tends to be easier for people who are single to have proximity friendships because it's like oh we're all going out after like we study for this thing like here do you want to come do you want to come and as soon as you say yes to one thing then that becomes like okay you met some people then you might meet somebody else like I think the like the first steps to making new friends and like finding your way in a city I mean I think like I used to like sit this was when I was like a

infant like not an infant because I could walk but like when I was a little kid I used to like go to the playground and I used to point to my point out kids that I like wanted to play with and I would point to my dad and I would point them out to my dad and my dad would walk over and be like hi this is Megan she would like to play with you and then it would be like then I was great and I even I even took that into like high school and college where I would like see someone who like I really liked their outfit or they just like seemed kind of cool maybe I overheard them talking about something or they just seemed to be my vibe and I would sit near them and be like hey like uh I have an extra piece of gum do you want one just those things that like break the ice to have a conversation

with someone and it might flop like you might they might not be cool they might not be someone that you like but I think the first time that you can kind of break that wall of like a social interaction with someone that person might not be your next best friend but they might invite you to something where you meet someone else and like saying yes to things obviously within your boundaries and your comfort levels. But you will be surprised how close and how quickly other people are keen to make friends when they are also going through these massive life transitions. And I think that like, it's, I think it's really hard to make friends as an adult when you're moving to a new city for a new job. But when you're all in like a graduate program together, I think that

that really breeds a bonding experience. And if we've learned from this podcast, if you are not in a heterosexual relationship people use tinder to make friends and bliss and i that we the straights were at it again thinking it was sus and fucking weird and turns out it's not so that also i i doubt we have to i doubt us two straight girls have to tell you that but that is also apparently i feel like i'm a 90 year old like i guess that's a newfangled thing but even like a month ago i went um to an outdoor dinner thing that my friend was having and i chose to sit at a different end of the table than my friend because i was like if i sit next to her that would be a crutch and i haven't been out anywhere in the last two years and i was like i

need to work on my social skills so i sat at a different end of the table talked to a few people And I was like, these people like, like, it was great. I actually got feedback, too, because they're like, Oh, Melissa's great. Like they told my friend, they're like, Melissa, I really liked her, you know. And so it felt good being out my comfort zone. I also felt like kind of good being on. And also, I learned because I sat next to this other person that we had another person in common that had nothing to do with the group that we were in. But like, when you sit down and just start talking to people, you discover new things. and it was fun yeah I also think if you can if you're going to a city where you know someone who like grew up there or who like lived there or anything that like being set up on friend dates is great or if someone's just like hey like I will never ever forget Candace who like met Candace one day just saw me and was just saw a very lost very scared newly 20 something who moved to Los Angeles and was like hey I like want you to meet some of my friends and I was like okay literally picked me up from my fucking apartment met the girl like literally like three days before and

drove me and introduced me to like a group of like women who like I've known for so long in LA and it was and then she got back in on a flight and went back to work and like that is something too that like a lot of people love doing setting friends up and like setting people up and if it's someone that you like have gotten along with or they know your vibe well you're most likely going get along with those other people and I think that friend setting friends up on friend dates is like one of the best ways that you can even just start to like get to know the city you're in to then like you go to a like a restaurant and you're like oh this is not my vibe the people who hang out here it's not my vibe either like let me see this like coffee shop down the road it's just

kind of about like exploring things and getting to like a lay of the land and if you said you're an anxious person it's something for me like I like to be I like to have as much knowledge before going into a situation. And sometimes I can't do that with people. And so I do that with like locations. Like I will spend time, like I, I'm not going to go to like moving into like college or moving in anywhere. Like I'm going to spend time like a week there beforehand, just to like get the lay of the land and like, see where my grocery store will be, see where these things will be, how long it'll take me to drive there and feel confident in my environment and kind of like understanding where things are and where I fit into it. So then the social aspect is more

of a variable but at least i've controlled and feel confident in something that i i can plan and for ahead of time and maybe there's like facebook groups or things about your graduate program with other people who are in it and i think that it's hard to look at a breakup as like a good thing but i agree with melissa said like i think this is like the going to be like one of the best things for you and without a doubt the timing could have been better but I think that you have to like honor how you feel about the breakup but then I think you'll recognize in like a couple months that this was like a really you wouldn't have wanted you wouldn't have wanted to go into this new city in this new life experience in a relationship yeah I personally

think the timing is great but I'm from the outside looking in I'm not in it where I feel like if I was in it of course I wouldn't but from the outside looking in like you're getting a new completely new start for everything yeah I think the issue in any long distance any longest relationship like if you haven't spoken about what you're gonna do with a looming long distance thing like that's a problem like you should always know if you're inevitably even before you apply to colleges and stuff like or wherever you're going like are we gonna plan to do that like it should always be a conversation but it's also hard to expect i definitely was not that communicative when i was in high school or like yeah that age so sometimes it is what it is i think it can hurt

and still be like a total heartbreak and a loss i think this is gonna be like really good for you long term so i hope that wasn't too toxic positivity because that is not our vibe and wishing you the best and if you're a part of our facebook group post if you feel comfortable about like hey i'm moving to a new city starting a graduate program like there are so many people who like have met up and like hung out in real life like have become real like in-person friends people who like have reconnected with like old like elementary school friends through the group but like we even had some members who like went went overseas and were hanging out with like other people so like that's a really great community they have a text chain that we're

not a part yeah we're not on it it's fine everyone's gonna be like for the hundredth fucking time you don't want to know that y'all don't want to be on it because we don't read our text messages even here in our when we had a little break between podcasts we both like were sitting there like guess one's gonna text the other and then i looked at my text message and megan had texted me like 10 minutes before and then i texted her and she's like oh i don't know how i missed this we both were just sitting in these exact positions just like my camera and My mic was off. I was just sitting here playing Sims.

Yeah. So texting is not our forte. No. Yeah. Wishing you the best. Next call. Hey, Megan and Melissa. I'm 19.

My pronouns are he, him. I was getting some, like, life advice. I was going to ask for some advice on how to get started with acting. I always told myself it was something I wanted to do, but, like, felt like it was going to happen to be, like, this weird coincidence. But as of recently, I felt like I was, like, wasting time. So, like, I want to take the initiative to get started with it. So, like, I've spent some time doing my best trying to research on how to get started, but, like, I feel like I'm falling short to finding, like, something concrete.

It's all very new, of course. Like, I don't have an agent right now, and, like, I still have no idea on how to get one. Also, it seems hard to, like, find open call auditions that, like, don't require an agent. Of course, like, I'm not expecting, like, to get a big role with the South of My Fingers right now. It's, like, I have to do, like, a million commercials and, like, a bunch of background stuff for a bit. Totally prepared for that. Like, I just don't know how to get to that part right now. It just feels like this big secret that people don't really share the instructions for.

Or, like, I could just be looking in all the wrong places. And I just, like, feel so stuck in the mud about it. And I just, I know I have to be doing something creative with my life. Like, I want to be the person that entertains people like how others do for me. Whether, like, I manage to do something with YouTube or give a chance with acting in the future. Like, I need to do it. Like, I don't want to keep having from one minimum wage job to the next. I can, like, I'm fine.

Like, I tried one year of college. Suck. Definitely dropping out after this semester. Like, not for me. And I know there's not a bunch of jobs that are willing to quit, pay a month, a bunch without agreeing. And yes, I know, like, to be an actor, you obviously don't have to drop out. And, like, I know it's not like, boom, you're an actor now.

Here's a million dollars. But I'd rather be happy doing something that I find fun and intriguing, making inconsistent pay, than doing something that's, like, boring and dull with consistent pay. And I know for a fact that this is something, like, I need to do. And, like, if I'm going to learn to become a good actor, like, I need to manage to actually enter the world itself. And I know that, like, I'm probably, like, one of, like,

a billion people that's like, yeah, I can do it. I can definitely do it. Your writing list feels kind of weird, but like, I can't just sit and expect something to magically happen. Like I need to take the initiative. Yeah, that was probably a lot. But like for some condensed questions, where do I start? How do I attempt to get an agent? In the meantime, how do I find open calls without an agent? And literally any other advice you may have. Also, I'm on the east coast of the US, by the way, and about three and a half hours away from New York, if that helps with anything and if you have any resources or anything like that like a dmu that'd be great anyway thanks for listening and like if there's anything else that like you need let me know bye

i think first we start at location i was gonna say if there is a big secret that no one's letting you in on everyone would be working way more than they are i as an overall like you're not missing anything like this is like how it is like i understand like i mean i think it's also like a lot of the things that we've been fed about like someone being discovered most of those are not real like they are made up for pr stunts and a lot of things with them that there haven't been discovered they come from a family that is already in the business before yeah there's only like a couple of like and you can like find compilation videos of like there's a couple of stars who like and most of the time it's people who sing like it's models and singers who have like these like

crazy stories but like the disney channel story of like oh i was just like walking through a mall and it's like no that's not what happens like what happens is like you grow up in southern california and like your mom or your dad is friends with someone people who like work in entertainment and like you're at a holiday party as a kid and like you're just super personable and you're such a ham and like the parents friends does commercial casting and thinks you'd be great because you're outgoing like that's how that stuff like works when it becomes like randomly getting discovered but other than that like there's not like a trick or a hack or a way to do it you do need to put in work though and also if you want to if you're coming into this industry looking for

like a consistent job with a consistent paycheck this isn't it especially when you're first trying to break in you're also not going to get an agent unless you've done work before you can't just get an agent to get a job those are for bigger jobs also commercials you still have to have an agent to get a commercial those are also very competitive so like thinking that like you've got to put in work for commercials first that's not how that works either no but it is kind of like you need an agent to get a job but you need a job to get an agent like it is a backwards system but also you said that you're like I'm cool with like not having like a consistent work I just want something that's like fulfilling and like makes me happy and that's really fun and I understand what acting is

so fulfilling it is like makes me so happy it is so fun but it's I don't think you know what not consistent means because like now imagine you don't make a single money from acting for like three years like what are you gonna like that is just kind of par for the course like it's it is so fun when you're working and it's like the highest highs and the lowest lows like you don't have things sustain you and it's so different in the pandemic that like I used to like talk with my other friends who are also actors where I'm like you have different things that sustain you so like a tape doesn't do much for you but like sustains you for a bit like in like an emotional mental way of being like oh I really love this this reminded how much I love this

this is the cycle and then you then you do enough tapes that you're like this isn't doing it for me anymore like this is just like I'm really feeling defeated and I'm not enjoying this and then you get an in-person audition you're like oh the rush is so fun I love like performing and like really working with someone like this is great and then you do those over and over again and they they lose their luster and then you get the callback and then that sustains you and then you get the director session and that sustains you and you have all of these things that then carry you over to the cycle that starts all over again with the next tape and with the next and like that's what it is but in the pandemic it's not that anymore like it's just tapes and it's like submitting

things into the world that aren't being seen by anyone you don't know you don't get live feedback and it's even harder unlike singing where you can like write your own music and like produce your own stuff acting is a much harder thing to do that for and so the whole like culture you can do it you can but in in different capacities as opposed to like the way that i would suggest if you're trying like write like write something like the best thing like write something and send it to people ask if you can show them these things like find email addresses of places like find competitions that are doing like writing things and like write something and like submit them to like local things and like being three hours this is like such a I feel bad it's like such a harsh

dose of reality but like being three hours away from New York is too far it's way too far you have to be there you have to be in New York or you need to be in another city that has like a local agency but local agencies you're better off walking into like calling a local agency and asking like hey are you looking for new representation of like actors here is you need to have like a reel you need to have some stuff that you've done and the the biggest thing though is that like yes there are things for you to do and yes you should take initiative but initiative is not a full-time job and like it's not gonna pay the bills and unlike music and singing where you can like start and finish and produce and edit and start do everything all yourself with

like a fuck ton of knowledge and training and not like every musician or singer can do that but with acting like there's not really necessarily a medium for a bunch of like one man shows that are self-written produced and like distributed like it's just you don't blow up on tiktok from acting like that's just not an like a natural progression and so like i understand the like hunger and like want for that and that is something that everywhere every actor who's working and every actor who's not working that I know who's been in the industry like we all have that but that initiative doesn't pay the bills and it's not a full-time job like you can you need to do stuff that pays your rent and you also can do things that like you can apply for a job as an

assistant at an agency you can apply for like anything that's even remotely close to that world But even at the agency, they're going to want you to have a college degree if you're going to go that route. Yeah. And I think that like college can suck. And I think if I was going to go back in time, if I had the and this is not like advice I'm giving you because I wouldn't have been able to take my own advice. Like I didn't want to go to a conservatory like program at all. But I think if I went back now and I had the money to go to like a conservatory program, I would have done that because I fucking hated the academics of school and that didn't work for me. And so like, I wasn't fulfilled with my major, which was acting because it was I just was taking all the same classes over and over and over again, because I hated everything else. And so if you can, you can go to school for that you can do like you can go to like AMDA, you can do something that's like a more intensive kind of acting program. but like if you're trying to make connections in the industry and do all of that like doing like

theater productions at a college is like a great way to do that especially if you're going to a school in a major city doesn't have to be like NYU like you can go to a community college in a city that has an entertainment industry and do productions there or if school is really not something you want to do then you you have to move well you have to move and you have to have money And you have to like be spending then thousands of dollars on acting classes. And then you're spending money on intensives in private. So then the teacher really likes you and the teacher will introduce you to people who can get you an agent. Like there is a reason why nepotism babies happen in Hollywood so much is because like you either need to have a whole other fucking job and career and do this on the side and pursue this passion on the side as you build up connections and you build up your resume. and all of that or you buy your way in two doors and like he's not giving money to casting directors but like you spend a fuck ton of money on the top acting like coaches and you take their classes and through there you meet other people who are in similar net but like similar people

who come from like affluent backgrounds who also have connections and then you spend a lot more money to have that teacher really like you and then they put you in showcases and then they interested agents but then you might get an agent and you might not work like you might not get auditions and you might get auditions and you might not book them and I think that like acting sounds like I'm not I'm not saying that you don't have this at all you have that mentality that I think like everyone who wants to be an actor has and if you have any doubts at all and this is something that you have anything else you would like to do or anything else that would really fulfill you do that because like you have to be a little off your rocker to like want to continue

doing this like it's like constant rejection like constant feeling bad about like all of these things that like it's a that sounds so dramatic to be like I do kind of think it's a curse like that like when you want to do this kind of thing like because like you're putting your mind your body who you are as a person like everything is up to other people's input and like thought process and like what they think about you and it's it's a really personal industry and if there's something else that will make you happy then I don't think this will make you happy unless it goes perfectly you know like there's so much more hurt than happiness in this industry and it's taking the good with the bad but if there's something else that makes you happy the good's not going to be

that good like it's it's just it's just not and yeah yeah the entertainment industry as a whole it's just it's a lot of rejection and you have to be prepared for that there's all there's a lot of spending money so you're gonna have to have either come from money or be prepared to work a lot of hours and then on top of those hours i remember when i first moved here someone told me if you're working a 30 hour job then you need to be putting 30 hours into your craft too and i was like what the fuck but like it makes sense yeah it and i think that like most practical advice is don't move to la and don't move to new york it would be moved to like north nashville north carolina like atlanta yeah like chicago like move to a smaller city or even like jersey like there's

lots of different like smaller industries and cities doing this because I think the way to know if you want to be in this industry is to get an opportunity to work in some form of the industry whether that's reading with being a reader at a casting office or being a temp or like a floater like an assistant at like a small agency or working under like a management company but you can't do that in la or new york like that those jobs are coveted and they go for college grads yep and then you also and it's usually you have to know somebody that knows somebody that works there and you have to basically like go into debt being an assistant and there's a like the vast majority of assistants at the big agencies come from money because you're getting paid minimum

wage, and you're working way more hours than you're like, legally allowed to. And then you're also, it's the old school thing of like, you're not getting promoted for 10 years, because that's just how things are done. And so like, if college is not in your future, which is fine, I think that like, you don't have to go to I didn't go to college. But you also have YouTube, too. Well, that's the reason only reason why i dropped out and i could drop out is because i could afford to and you then either need to have to you either need to come from money or you need to do it in a smaller pool but i i think it's really really good for everyone to have an insight of how management and agencies work to know if you want to be in the industry to hear about how people

talk about actors because you're not protected from that yeah like and i'm somebody that's behind the camera and the way that like i got into everything at first of all i went to after i graduated from college i came to la several times working on student films like i would just email them and be like hey do you have anybody connecting with no one did that at the time probably still no one does and they were like yeah here then they put me on lists and stuff so i worked on student films saved up money then came here it still wasn't enough money and you know, I will check my privilege. Like my parents gave me money and I went to school at UCLA and UCLA's program. But also while I was doing that, I was doing a lot of internships. And again,

at that time, internships were free labor. Like you didn't get paid for internships. Now it's against the law, but at the time I wasn't getting paid for that. But again, checking my privilege, The other kids in my program that didn't do the internships didn't last year. They left because they didn't have the connections. I got enough connections that then got me an assistant job, a receptionist job, then assistant job. And, you know, it just like rolled over. But like and I was also like working task rabbit at the time, too.

But again, I still had assistant from my parents. so if you don't have the money then you know i there are people that come here and work their asses off and you know take the classes and stuff but it's very hard it's very hard the connections are the biggest thing and truthfully like i love my friends who've done that it's not been worth it for them mental health wise like it's hard like it's so fucking hard and i think that like if you just want to go to college and use college like you do student films at your school like make connections that way get internships through your school and those connections through there like you don't have to like quiet you don't have to graduate like you can literally use college to

work for you and I think like that is I something I wish I would have I mean I it didn't work out at the school for me for various reasons but I think that like that is something that I I wish I would have done more it's like use that like do the student films like do the internship like keep your grades up for what you need to if you can't go to a conservatory but if you can go to a conservatory then like yeah just do the things that you care about the things that you really like because it is a huge financial drain suck and risk to to bet on yourself and initiative does not almost everything is out of your control like that's just like the sad truth of it like there isn't a way for you to like get becoming an extra there's all these like fucking romantic

stories of like oh how to become an actor like you do all these commercial editions you become an extra like that's not like extras don't get extras promoted thing yeah it's completely different industries completely different casting like everything's totally separate like you're not you might be a feature to ask extra where they ask you to like do something but all you're going to learn from extra work is how sets work i think it's valuable i don't think you should not do extra work but I don't think it's not a stepping stone it's just like it's just kind of like reading a book on like how a set works it's kind of like shadowing or a field trip like that's kind of just all it is and commercials if you want to work in commercials like you have to

work your ass off equally as you do for like this called theatrical it's commercial and theatrical you then are just doing that and none of those connections will cross over and like it's just two separate industries and so i think that there's a lot of like romanticizing how actors happen and how they come to be on like and i was given that exact same advice like this is how you do it you work this many extra hours and then you become like a featured extra and you'd be really nice to the people who have walkie-talkies and then you'll get a line and then after that you'll then the project will flip union and then you will get sag and then all like it's just that just not how it works as background actors you if you're going into audition for theatrical stuff

you would not put any of your background work on your resume because that's just not they're not the same industry that's like if i had any experience like going to work like for apple and putting like podcasting on i guess that actually does have some process but like it would be like i used apple like i i've like been into an apple store before yeah and it's like well okay what does it have to do with this yeah yeah i was gonna say like i've known other people like i knew this guy that he wanted to work in like the lighting department and so he became a background actor and then would study what the lighting department was doing and then once he so then he didn't have to like go to school or something but he learned it and then

would like chat up some one person that he saw like an like a pa that was working in the lighting department chat that person up and that's how he worked up but that's as an actor background actor you do not talk to the featured actors like well yeah you don't you're not in the same area like you're kept in a different area yeah it'll either like make your day or it'll like ruin your week it's just and i don't think that youtube is like a wrong stepping stone to take but like it's a side stepping stone like it's a parallel industry that there can be crossover just because you're in the public eye but it it's not really like a door there aren't really doors into the acting industry like there are closed windows that you try to kind of get through and then

one time that someone gets through one window that window's boarded up and that you no one can get through that one again like it's just and again i the the reason why it's romanticized and there are these stories of how this happens in hollywood and getting discovered is because the vast majority of these people come from a fuck ton of money and connected families and that's not as romantic of an idea or an emotion to talk about but i think that if you think about it didn't you shadow like a dentist and realize like i don't want to fucking do this yeah i worked at a dental office and i i enjoyed it as like that but then when i got to college and then worked and then was taking classes I was like I absolutely do not like this yeah I so I think

that like if you can get on like doing any extra work going to like literally look up like local casting calls for like non-union extras all of like I did that when I was in like growing up in San Francisco I did that like in LA when I first moved like I've done all of that stuff like you can do that and then try your best to get on a set so you can just like look and see like do you like that like if you've never also if you've never acted on camera before it's so different than like live acting in theater and if you really liked theater before then like pursue that like there's so many different view like ventures and there's a lot of people in Hollywood and entertainment who like thought they wanted to do one thing but wanted to do something else

And so the best way that you can the best way and most affordable way to do this is to actually figure out what avenue you're interested in without before you spend thousands of dollars on like a dream that is such a like it's such a dream and such that I think I'll like this because it's it's so different than you think it will be. you might love it so much more or you might be like oh this isn't how I thought and I actually realized that I like the fantasy more and maybe I want to write like I want to immerse myself in a story and you're not immersed when you're on set like it's just like you're not it's not like it's it's very much a job that's exactly why I came out a few times I think I worked on like three or four student films before I made the move here so and that's exactly why I did it because I was like, I'm gonna be immersed. And they were at AFI. So like, that's a really good film school. And so I would work as a PA as a production assistant and just like, do my work,

but like watch and then because they were students, it wasn't like on a professional professional film set, where like, you don't talk to people like I would, you know, afterwards, go hang out with people like ask questions, see what they were, like what they're interested in. And then also a lot of things that I thought were things that I wasn't into there, like, or things that I had no clue what it was, or I had this notion of what like, a director did. I was like, when I got on set, it was completely different than what I actually thought. So it's interesting. Anything in life, you can't know that you want to do it unless you've actually done it in some form. yeah and i think that that's somehow sometimes when we end up committing to things for far longer than we would have is because we feel like sunk cost fallacy and like this doesn't even this advice doesn't even span to just this but like whatever you're going to do and the choices you're going to make career things that you want to pursue for your life trial run like drive the car before you

take it off the lot like everything like know what you're getting yourself into before you feel like you're too far gone they're committing something so you don't really like yeah it's it's just a risk and i i can't stress enough how much i would not recommend it to people who have other things that they would like to do this city will break you and that's why like i remind people when you see like actors doing like speeches or doing weird things and i'm like yeah there were theater kids grown up who have like literally been broken apart by this industry and then like and you expect of course everybody's not okay like of course they're not okay so good luck break a leg yeah break a leg should we take a break yeah

back from our break and we're getting to the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa i love you both so much but i'm going to jump right in because it can be kind of a long story i am 21 years old she her and i am the youngest of three siblings my brother he him is 26 and he has a son and my sister she her is 30 and she has three children of her own over a year ago my sister took off with a random man that she met on tinder and left her three kids and husband behind since then i have become like mom for them i take them to school and pick them up and make their lunches my niece has curly hair so i do her curly girl routine and i also help my brother-in-law pay for daycare and preschool tuition, which if you don't know, is very expensive. And I also pay for the school

clothes and school supplies. This might sound kind of bad, but I'm definitely the realist in my family and my sister has always kind of been a bad person, honestly. And so her leaving sucked, but I didn't really put it past her. I am from the Midwest, and so this isn't super out of pocket for her here unfortunately but her new boyfriend is very racist and homophobic and just all around a very gross person and the absolute opposite of everything I am about my partner and boyfriend he him is Mexican and we've been together going on five years and so I will not allow him to be subjected to that kind of contact. And so it's been difficult. My family has always been very close. And so my mom and brother kind of tend to talk to her and pretend that things are normal.

And to be honest, their lives haven't changed much since she left. I'm the full-time college student juggling a full-time job and co-parenting two kids, not them. I am trying to put up boundaries. And I have a lot because my sister talks a lot of shit about me. And I don't understand how she does because I'm the one raising her kids so I don't really know how that really works out but I do find that because of how forgiving my mom and brother are I feel like I'm constantly known or like seen as like the bad guy even though I know like how I feel and what I'm doing is like right for me I know that but I still can't help feel that way and I also find myself like wasting a lot of time thinking about how upset she makes me I want to

add I am in therapy so like I am getting help I've been in therapy a long time but I promise there's more of the story like a lot more you could ask my therapist but um yes I'm just about out of time so thank you guys literally any sort of advice you could give me I don't know what you could but thank you so much I love you guys I just want to say that if anyone's watching and was confused by my face when she was like i'm from the midwest this happens a lot that was the precursor to he's like homophobic and racist i thought that was so people tend to like leave their families for people they meet on tinder a lot and i literally was like hi i've never heard that about the midwest i thought the same thing

i was like okay that's what's happening okay i don't know what's happening over there but i get i was about to take your word for it in northwest arkansas where i am from which is it touches the midwest it is the south but it does touch the midwest and i personally know two women that left their families it's an epidemic yeah so it like that was it it was like when she said this happens i was like okay you're like i mean based on my add this to the other ones and yeah so far i feel like me knowing two people two whole people that did this that seems like a lot so midwest yeah okay yeah midwest nice no midwest leave your husband and kids for someone even on tinder this is a lot okay i mean obviously i my initial follow-up question is like i initially

thought that the sister was just gone gone like hopped off a plane like lax dream and cardigan by kids never coming back but it seems like she's a part of your life like she's still like your mom and your brother still talk to her like it sounds like i don't know if she's just like a like verbal like a long distance part of your life or like is she like close by and in your orbit because of proximity or just because of like is your just your mom and your brother talking to her because like if she's like nearby I would have so many questions like why I mean this isn't necessarily like the advice like you really want to hear but I mean I think in if you have set boundaries with your mom and your brother about like I hold a lot of anger towards her for what she's done

and like I love these kids and I co-parenting is hard but it is something that I'm like committed to doing because I really love and care about these kids and so that is what I'm doing but like I am not okay with maintaining a relationship with both of you while you are actively maintaining a relationship with her and like I hope that she gets the help she needs and like things can change and get better but I think it's wildly like disrespectful to like everything that she's put us through and her kids through for like you to kind of have this like forgiveness attitude towards her and if you're gonna do that currently like I for my own mental health need to step away from these relationships because like you can't make people feel away about a situation that you feel

and sometimes people's feelings are wrong like sometimes people are wrong in these situations And she's getting through all this unscathed. And like, that is something that I think is like wrong. Like, I don't think that that is correct. And I don't think that's right. And we all have our own boundaries. And it seems to me like your brother and your mom have put up their boundaries as like financial. So their boundaries is they're not going to help their niece and grandchildren, their niece and nephews and grandchildren financially, and that they are gonna have boundaries with them versus boundaries with your sister. And I think that that's the like, wrong choice. I don't think that you choosing to co parent them is not having boundaries. Like

we all pick and choose where our boundaries are. And like, what's our priority? And like, what's important to us and like your boundaries with your sister. And therefore, the people that you need to surround yourself with have that need to have that same boundary. And I think that yes, We need people to like respect our boundaries, but you can't make someone respect your boundaries. You can only tell them what your boundaries are. And then it's your job and your responsibility to then follow through with those boundaries. Like you're the only one who can honor your own boundaries. So if someone breaks that boundary, passes that, then I don't want to say you can't fault

them because you can, you can fault them and you can blame them, but then you're the one who's enforcing them. and that's by walking away like that's really what boundaries are they're not about other people they're about us and our choices and it seems like from like your full-time student full-time working co-parenting financially supporting it doesn't seem like you are financially supported by your family and I think that it's natural for us to want to make familial relationships work especially when there's like... In Toronto, every arrival is a statement

and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at cadillaccanada.ca.

Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian new vehicle total registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury turmoil and other parts of the family but like sometimes thing shit happens all at once like sometimes things all blow up at once and sometimes people don't step up when you need to step up and you don't have to accept less than you deserve and like less than you don't have to like concede on your boundaries because you had to you cut out another family member of your life and you have to hold on to these other family members i i think that it doesn't have to be forever but i think you're probably going to stay in this really mad active emotion towards your sister phase if

you are with people who you know are on good terms with her because it feels like they're condoning her actions that you are you're in you've internalized her actions do you know i mean like you like you're stepping up and like taking her spot and you're seeing you're seeing how hard it is and you're you're knowing you know that you are not a replacement to their mom and so you know that it's hard for them and you're internalizing all of this and then when you also have people in your life who you know know that you're going through all of this and are still on good have a good relationship with her that feels like fuck you do you not see everything that not only that she did but what she's put me through and what she's put these kids through like it just doesn't

feel like your value systems are aligning but i guess unless the kids still have a relationship with like their mom I I just think that like if you cut out the people who have a relationship with your sister her boyfriend is kind of obsolete to me in that way that like unless again like you're in the same circle in the same area in and in that case maybe that's just having a conversation with the kid's dad and being like we're gonna need to schedule this more I'm not going to be around my sister i'm not going to see my sister because i can't guarantee that i'm going to be cordial or kind and i don't want the kids to see that so like i'm financially going to help and support and then we need to coordinate if she's going to be around i'm not going to be here

and like you and i need to make a schedule for that i was shipping you and um her husband for a bit until you said you had my friend i was like you're gonna get married despite her that'd be awful um but you said a lot of things that i was thinking i think mainly i just want to say that i'm so thankful and i'm sure the children are too and the husband that you're in their lives and i don't know if this is something that he wants to do but like child support does exist if he wanted to put her on child support then he could but then there that might open up custody things, but it doesn't seem like she wants to be around anyway. So put up boundaries with your brother and your mom and with the husband, you know, and just keep being the great aunt that

you are. Yeah, it's hard. Last thing I would say is you brought up saying that you feel like the bad guy. You're not the bad guy at all. And I think that anyone who makes you feel like the bad guy is not somebody who should be in your life and whose input is a wrong and also unwarranted and not helpful and just know like no one who makes you feel that way in this situation should be a part of your life and I think that adults try and do a lot of things for like the sake of kids and try and like protect kids and all of that and like I will just say that kids are smarter than anybody gives them credit for and the most important thing for a kid is to be surrounded by people who love them and right next to that is surrounded by people who love each other

friends who love each other siblings who love each other families who love each other a person who loves them self to an extent like someone who like if there is more than one person around the kid the relationship of those two people is like vastly important and I am just not here for people sacrificing I think co-parenting is really hard not saying that's what's going on here but if it is like if not you and you're not you and your brother-in-law but if the kids are being like if your mom's watching them sometimes like your brother and like maybe their kid's mom is back in the picture at any like we value co-parenting as a society and it's talked about and like I think it can be done really really really well but it is better to be done not at

all if it's not done well it's just not and like the same thing with relationships so it is better if your nieces and nephews if you cannot stand your brother and you cannot stand your mom you cannot stand your sister it is better for one of you to remove yourself from that event or that situation then stomach it and like power through for the kids in that moment because they will know and it's better to have people who are happy and loving them around them at that time than have everybody all at once if it's not a good or healthy environment and that can change day to day like and that's how you protect kids like you don't protect kids by giving them this idea of a nuclear family and you don't have to stay with like and tolerate deadbeat people or like toxic

people and all of that because they have a relation to those kids like it doesn't mean that that relationship will be positively impacting their life so yeah and I hope you like have like a bathtub and like you can take bubble baths or like you have like a meditating app or like something that you're also doing some self-care for yourself besides therapy like I love therapy I think therapy self-work I don't think it's self-care and I think that it can be caring to do that for yourself but I think if you need to like treat yourself in other ways too because you're you're doing a lot for everyone and you need to also like do something for yourself that's not necessarily for the betterment of you for five years later or the betterment of like you know digging deep

into trauma and all of that like that's all important but so is like watching reality tv and ordering your favorite dinner like those things that are like good for your soul too it's been me all week yeah i here's the thing like after i would have like hard fucking therapy sessions or whatever like i'd be like i'm taking the day off of work and i'm doing these other things because like that what i just did there didn't feel like self-care like that didn't feel like that felt like hard fucking work and like if you ran a marathon you would then like tend to your wounds and like recover afterwards and i i just we are so overbooked and we're so fucking busy and just like constantly like on this like hamster wheel that we think of working out and

we think of therapy as like self-care when both of those things are like strenuous activities that are good for us long term in most cases but are not self-care and we just don't have the time to do both so right but sending you so much love i would love my nosy ass would love a call back to like hear more about the situation and maybe we could give you some more pertinent information if we knew more about how like the current parenting situation with the mom was but these kids are like really really lucky to have you and so is their dad and honestly so is your sister yeah all right well it's time for don't blame them yes we did less calls this episode if you can't tell because we talked a lot so just letting you know time for don't blame them this is where a

listener will call in with their own advice pertaining to a call we had on a previous episode so maybe they have personal experience with it or they have some additional insight or maybe they've been in close proximity to a similar situation and they want to uh give their own advice hi megan and melissa long time listener love you guys so i am a licensed clinical psychologist been in the field for quite some time i have supervisees meaning i clinically supervise um people in school getting their hours in various placements so i'm commenting on that caller who has a very unethical supervisor we don't call them mentors a mentor is a whole other thing in the realm of psychology they're called clinical supervisors and that's what this man

is or is supposed to be. So as a supervisor, you are meeting with your supervisee usually one hour a week. That is what is required per every 10 clients that that supervisee has on their caseload. So it might be more if their caseload is higher. So within that hour, you are solely focused on that supervisee's clinical work. The operative word there is clinical work, not their personal life. The only time a clinical supervisor should be commenting on someone's personal life or even asking them about it is if it directly relates to that particular placement or client that that supervisee is talking about. An example would be, wow, I've been working with this client who really reminds me of my mother. So the clinical supervisor might say, well, you know, say a little bit more

about that, only to help the client with what we call their countertransference, so that they can understand their own reactions to that client in relation to feeling like they remind them of their mother. Hopefully that makes sense. So yes, this person, this man who's asking her to call every day and all that nonsense, way, way, way over the limit. What I would do or what I would suggest that she do is tell her school. So they have to have some kind of placement where they help the students. They place them in these different clinical agencies. That's my suggestion. Don't see him anymore hope this helps okay bye so this is from season 9 episode 21 the title of the episode was sparks when dating this makes total sense to me yeah it does this is thank you for

calling it because this was very insightful obviously this is something that we don't have experience with i thought it was we both thought it was like overstepping and doing way too much And now that we have like a professional letting us know what this actually is, it gives me the, it already gave me the ick, but this is even more. Yeah, everything, everything you said, because yeah, we had the inclination, but thank you for giving us the fact that like, this is like a specific title and like the schools are involved and like there is, there's standards. Like there is something that is like expected and like kind of an outline of how things are supposed to go and what's asked of people and that we thought even without all of that, it was overstepping. But now knowing that there is kind of like a way that this is supposed to go, that is, I hope that the caller, original caller feels like confident knowing like how to report this and what to look out for in future. And I would assume that like this kind of stuff, like even when there is outlines of how things are supposed to go or they're more facilitated or more hands on by like other parties, like people take advantage of that stuff all the time. And like they prey on people who are and I don't mean this in a negative way, but like ignorant or not knowledgeable about the situation because they aren't haven't had experience yet.

And it's kind of like when you date someone who's a lot older than you and they set the stage for what relationships are supposed to be like your first job or like internship, all of that stuff. Like people can abuse that power because they know that you don't know any better. So I'm really thank you for giving us this insight. And I hope that anyone who's we know a lot of people who listen to the show are going into like psychology and different facets and iterations of that. And so I hope that you can like share that information with like friends. And if you are in school, maybe talking to your teachers about how they talk about these clinical supervisors and like maybe asking your teachers to add it to the rubric when talking about it or how these things are supposed to go. because i think it from an outsider it seems like a maybe this was a totally isolated incident but it seems like this could be an ample place for uh people to take advantage of and even if it's just like doing their work for them and like asking too much of them like not emotionally or not like

inappropriate out of work but also just like asking too much of them workload wise and like not being it's not what it's supposed to be so communication so hopefully that this doesn't happen to people because this is like a really confusing thing and leaves a bad taste in your mouth about like the profession you're going into yeah i also loved your energy came in you're like is she mad at us yeah i'm a psycho i was like oh do you hate me it's like no it's like no no it's not at us long time listener i always love when someone that works in the mental health field listens to this show it's that and then when hairdressers recommend our show to their clients those are primo primo and when people like get their partners to listen

to the show i love that too yeah but for a soundtrack to a road trip we love to hear it that's it for this episode we hope you all enjoyed if you want to leave a review on the podcast app we would absolutely love that if you want to sign up for our patreon and support the show please do we have live streams there twice a month they're very fun that's our five dollar tier and then for $1 a month, you can watch the video versions of the podcast. You can see our facial reactions and I'm personally a podcast, like watcher. I listened to podcasts, but like if a podcast is a video option, I love to opt in for that, especially when I'm like cleaning my room and it feels like that meme of being like, ha ha, me just hanging out and talking with my friends. Like that's

really how I feel with it. Yeah. Melissa is going to read a review. I am. And this is from angie smiley face and it says applicable to real life i feel seen by this podcast melissa and megan she spelled your name wrong but she's yours right okay 50 okay we take what we can get here say the things we are thinking from patriarchal power dynamics to how to deal with your boyfriend's mom eminem have you covered and we'll be spilling tea on how those seemingly disparate topics may very well be connected it's a six out of five to be honest they'll take you along to all the cringy deep places but it's always fun a wild ride from beginning to end that's like a movie review like i love that thank you so if that inspired you to leave a review please do it if you've

left one before you can leave it again like no one's no one is stopping you yeah even if you vote it before you can go do another star every time i open the app i click another five star on it so as you should um and if you are listening this long to the podcast comment your favorite nepotism baby yes that's a great one comment your favorite nepotism baby and is it maude Apatow because I feel like most people's will be or Margaret Qualley who else who else is a good nepotism baby there's so many there's all are yeah it's like everyone is in some way wait I just found out one of my favorite artists is a nepotism baby and I had no idea who Gracie Abrams her dad is JJ Abrams as soon as I saw her on the list I just saw Abrams I go no way her dad is JJ and I

rolled out her dad is jj oh billy lord is a good one well yeah she comes from a long line and i like that line well because i like i i love that family of here i'm having to scroll by everyone who i who has beat me out on roles so but doesn't that make you feel better knowing that you know they had a insider thing and it wasn't you it does it always does yeah miley cyrus is one well yeah i know one that i like okay i was like yeah yeah of course obviously her godmother's dolly barton like yeah right but no i that's my favorite so is yours um rashida jones i think the jones family just the jones family as a whole i think my last one is chet hanks i couldn't even say i couldn't even commit to the bit

i'm learning so much oh drew barrymore i love her too okay um uh goodbye bye bye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso