Don't Blame Me! - Nancy Is The Imposter

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Parting ways with childhood best friend Bamboozled by internet friend Using dating apps to find friends Kicking roommates out Trusting a friend with different political beliefs Don’t Blame Them: Socializing while sober   Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When WestJet first took flight in 1996, the vibes were a bit different. People thought denim on denim was peak fashion, inline skates were everywhere, and two out of three women rocked the Rachel. While those things stayed in the 90s, one thing that hasn't is that fuzzy feeling you get when WestJet welcomes you on board. Here's to WestJetting since 96. Travel back in time with us, and actually travel with us at westjet.com slash 30 years. your playlist might get you through the workday but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs what work helped them build a life how did they adapt as the world around them changed with ancestry you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time

and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree you've got questions we've got ancestors. Search free until August 31st. Visit ancestry.ca for details. Terms apply. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to another... To Teeth Toss. To Teeth Toss? Teeth Toss, where we doth talk about the teeth trots. this is don't blame me a wonderful amazing podcast that you recommend to all of your friends and you look forward to every week and is the highlight of your monday we didn't make it hard by putting releasing episodes on a monday you know unless some people like really look forward to that monday grind it could be they put this on us they're on their way to work

that's true start your day off right i just love like love the idea that people like listen to us like while they're like doing spreadsheets and shit and we're just like talking about writing dicks and like their boss is like hey could you come over here and you're like you pause your one second and like they don't know what you're listening to i love it i love it my name is megan i'm joined by my co-host producer and the only reason this podcast ever gets posted and is edited and everything i just show up and look cute sometimes melissa i'm here but we also have a team of other people so it's not just me we do but you hired that team that's true so i don't have i don't have um that many email addresses if you just dip if this was like in the avengers

where like the great dust happens and you dusted away i'm so sorry everybody but this podcast i wouldn't know where to start sorry to this podcast uh i don't know who this podcast is well when the rapture happens and i go away and all you heathens are left here i'm sorry but there won't be a podcast anymore because megan doesn't know how to do it because i'm an angel and i'm gonna go straight up and me and little nas x will be twerking on the devil and if the rapture happens oh so help me god if i couldn't learn how to twerk during quarantine oh oh help me what's the devil's name lucifer lucifer oh so help me lucifer i will learn how to twerk during rapture i will i will i will because he we deserve it heathens if we can't do anything

twerking twerking is for the devil so i will just do that yeah we're gonna give you some advice aren't you excited don't these sound like two people that you really want their opinions on your life well you fucking do because you called us or you sent in voicemails and how do you do that by um giving us a ringling at 310-694-0976 you can leave us a voicemail there we're not going to answer unless sometimes it rings while we're working and we like to answer and not one no one has ever responded they immediately hang up so uh don't worry yeah i think people think they're calling the wrong number but it's us like we answer you're like hi but no one every time we've answered it people hang up immediately

immediately and then they'll call back and they're like hey um and they're just like a little confused but they're like i'm not gonna say anything but yeah we've done it like three times and it's always a great fun for us and no one ever answers yeah so leave us a voicemail gotta keep it under three minutes or you'll be cut off we ask that you write down everything that you want to say all of the ages of people involved if it's about relationships how long you've been together as many details as possible that makes the story the most specific and detailed so we can understand it we don't need like the random details we don't need the day of the week so we don't need that stuff but then take your phone or an old-fashioned timer uh what's it a

sundial what's that line with the sand oh that's an hourglass an hourglass like sends through the hourglass so are the days of our lives oh that's the opening of days of our lives gotcha got it this makes so much sense that aligns we ask that you write it down time it out make sure it's under three minutes if you have more time and you're like missing you like cut out some details or something to like make it quicker add that back in the more details you give us and like the better it is the better advice we can give you and so it's beneficial for all of us and then if you're an international listener do the exact same thing except just record a voice memo on your phone and email it to us at meganpod at gmail.com it's megan podcast fuck email it to meganpodcast

at gmail.com we have another show called but am i wrong and that email address ends with pod and so sometimes i forget but listen to that on thursday also when you're seeing voice memos please change it to an mp3 so i don't have to it used to not be a problem but the program we use now to record i have to like convert it if it's not an mp3 so please just tap the little edit thing before you save it and change it to an mp3 woohoo and if you want to watch the video version this podcast head on over to our patreon you can see what i would look like with short hair which like it doesn't look horrible yeah i actually really liked it in the last one when we were recording but am i wrong it was really sitting like you had short hair and i was like oh it's

really cute but we do we know how like wavy and curly hair works and it wouldn't it wouldn't look like that without a lot of you know well then you would be closer to anna lynn mccord's length and then you know i would really just assume my role as body snatcher body snapper and job snatcher Yep. I have arrived. It's me. Listen to the new episode of But Am I Wrong this week to hear that little bit because I'm sure you're dying to know what we think about it. And what else is I going to say? Oh, yeah. Patreon. We also do live streams twice a month. They are very fun and a great way to make friends, meet people during the pandemic and also just like have some sort of socializing. And we talk about everything on there and we have a really good time. yeah it's a good good little community what's new with you we just as in just like melissa and i have been recording since this morning and um we took a break and during this break i saw the email that we got a counter offer on the house we put an offer on so it's it's a different style than the houses that we've like looked at before but like i still like it like it has nice light we're

compromising on some stuff but that's what we do someone messaged me and was like i think you just have like unrealistic expectations with getting a house like you're saying this isn't your forever home like why are you looking at houses that are like they look at houses that are like cheaper and like you're gonna have to compromise and i was like compromise on everything and like there are no cheap homes in la like no that's like the issue with flipping is that like any home that costs less than a million dollars which yes cheap quote-unquote is always going to be relative but a house that costs less than a million dollars is going for cash because they are flippers who are then also going to get to it before it even gets listed and then the second that it's listed they

are going to flip it and they they will beat you out because they have cash to do said flips and then they sell they put them back on the market for far more money like there is no you compromise on everything when you are like buying a house like if you're not educated on something don't comment on it yeah the amount of people who don't live in the united states who are trying to give me like telling me like what i'm doing wrong when it comes to buying a house i'm like there's something that's helped like you know when people are like hey i don't know if you've looked in there's a way to phrase it where it's like i don't know if you've looked into this but like we were able to get our house because of like um like writing a letter to the the owners and blah blah

like trying to like pitch that which i've said repeatedly like we you can't do here because that is illegal because it's been used to discriminate against people like over and over and over again so you can't do that here and even if some agents will like let you do that it's not like legally not allowed but agents it like ruins their reputation upon it's not ethical and it's not acceptable within the like real estate community of los angeles so if you do that like you're kind of being like i plan on not working because it's it'll get ratted out by the owner like it's just not what's done here and it's not good i mean i get um cards on my house like every other day from real estate agents saying hey there's someone in the neighborhood that's looking to buy this and

i'm just like you're a piece of shit yeah so it's it's not good and also even if it was like allowed you were you could do that in la and it was just like we knew it was unethical i just still wouldn't do it because mott and i are the exact people that benefit from that and like it would be upholding the exact same like the crux of the issue we're white and we're like straight and we're a couple it's upholding that issue but yeah the amount of people who will make message me shit and like telling me like this is what you need to do this is what you need to do and they're like but i'm in this place and i'm like that's real estate in los angeles is a different beast it's a fully different beast and we're not moving out of los angeles for the

thousandth time of people asking like we're just we're not like i don't think people understand also if you're not from here or like live around here like what la quote-unquote la is there is no comparable city because like the city doesn't really stop like there is no central location of the city because it depends on where you want to go like people consider santa monica the exact same amount as like being like la as like the east side and those are like it'll take you an hour and like to get from there so like completely different places when you say move out of la la in itself to get through the city you are driving hours and hours that's like telling someone in new york if new york didn't have public transportation to just move to pennsylvania

or move to connecticut where it's like sure in theory time wise but that only works if you have public transportation and we don't have that here so like you can't live three hours away because if you live three hours away by car it's gonna take you six hours to get there back and forth because we don't have public transpo so we'll see what about this house it has some issues but all houses have issues but it's one that like they were very nice about saying the disclosures before offers were due and most they don't even tell you until they've like accepted your offer and you can like if you have you can back out but like so we now know up front how much like there's a big question mark something might cost two thousand dollars or it might cost twenty thousand dollars

and so we know that but our realtor was like this kind of extra cost or like disclosure thing is going to come up with every single house you're just getting it before the offer is accepted which is it like she's like i wish everyone did that but like it will you'll have to deal with that with anything that's what's happening and once i will discuss and maybe we'll put a counter offer on this house we also saw some more cute ones this weekend we literally have like now know the uh like all the real estate agents nearby and all like the listing the the selling agents and all of their assistants because also moths you recognize the man with a cast walking in everywhere and so we there's just one realtor who we like literally every time we see our sign we're

like tracy what's up tracy she's here we've never met tracy but we all but we know all of her associates and we saw one today and they were like hey guys and they were like hi and he was like i see you every weekend how's the arm doing and then at the end of the um when at the end of like when we were leaving the open house he was like bye guys see you soon and i look at manta goes he doesn't think we're gonna get this house like rude okay so before we get in to the calls we have an update for you all from a previous caller it's given us the uh what is what is transpired since their original call the 4-1-1 and they explained they said what call episode yeah okay so my original call was i believe season eight episode one and it was about having a friend

who's in a toxic relationship and basically my friend and I had this like falling out and I think what I said on the call was I gave background information about how she moved really quickly with her boyfriend who was like significantly older and had a son and she kind of like stepped into that stepmom role really really fast and then he and I just did not get along and I moved away and she called me one day was like asking me to get her and that she wanted to leave the relationship and this was like earlier on in the pandemic so uh even though it kind of like broke my boundary I decided I went and got her because I it felt like a long time coming but I would get that call and so I went and got her and she stayed with me for a week and then she goes back home and

she got back together with him but I didn't find out until like my mom told me about it because she saw it on Facebook and then a few months later my grandmother was sick and my friend reached out to me and asked like how I was doing and I told her I felt like numb and she had left me on read and that was kind of like my breaking point like I just had too much thing too many things going on so I decided to uh stop trying with our friendship and uh when I called she had reached out to me and apologized for everything and apologized for being a shitty friend oh i called because she had deleted me off of facebook and i was just like what the fuck and so a few months later she texted me and apologized for everything and she had brought up the idea of us getting coffee

together and i had called in because i wasn't sure if i wanted to continue the friendship if she was in this toxic relationship that was I believe everything with a call that that was I believe like April or May of 2021 and since then I would say we had like a couple of casual conversations just kind of like you know like happy holidays or like happy birthdays those kind of things and then in July of last year she sent me this like really dramatic text saying that she was done trying and like you know she's always reaching out to me and I'm giving nothing back and like I read our texts they were all like just super casual texts and just like oh hey check out this song oh hey hope you're doing well like I was just like what do you mean there's you're

not getting anything back and so I texted her and was just like hey like can we talk about this because I'm really confused uh and she said yeah and we got on the phone and I think we talked for like six hours or something basically we just kind of like both gave our perspectives on the friendship and uh she apologized for the text she said that she was like getting in her head and she wanted a reaction and so she did what she did to get a reaction and it fucking worked and i explained like how hurt i was by everything and you know she had already apologized before for like the deleting me on Facebook and stuff like that. But I just kind of got into kind of everything, you know, for our entire friendship, really, if she upset me, I never really talked

about it. And so I just kind of like everything came out. And she acknowledged that she'd been like a really shitty friend and sort of like, there was a power imbalance within our friendship. And she said that she like acknowledges that and she apologized for abusing her power over me. and uh it was like a decent conversation you know we talked about how we realize now that our friendship was like so so toxic and we were i think codependency can be useful like in retrospect i now kind of see that's how we survived was by being codependent but also like it was hurting us more than it was helping us and she agreed and she was just like oh yeah i was so codependent it was not good and then um that was kind of it or I talked about like her family had

also deleted me off of social media and that wouldn't hurt because like you know we've been friends since third grade her family was my family and vice versa and she said that she had asked them to after like kind of everything blew up I was kind of glad to kind of get answers for that and understand a bit more so it was in July and since then we've we've talked on the phone a handful of times we've had conversations we really haven't talked about my feelings about her boyfriend or her boyfriend's feelings about me that's kind of been like the one thing left unsaid yeah like i think shortly after we were started talking and like he got really injured and so like i was just kind of like helping her deal with helping him like talk

like letting being an outlet for her to voice her frustrations and that was kind of it like just really casual talks like that was the biggest thing up until like a couple months ago and then a few months ago she told me that she was pregnant and I told her like I'm happy for her like she's always wanted to be a mom and so like I was like good for you happy for you okay and I don't think we've really talked since I kind of like had a spiral moment after she told me that because I was like in the back of my mind I think Megan said this in the original call but like I had this idealized version of like oh whenever he's out of the picture we can be friends again it was just kind of like this wake-up call of he's always in the picture it was just sort of this moment of

like kind of uh accepting what I kind of always knew was true of just like he's always going to be around and that's the life she wants and that's okay and I kind of realized later on of like you know all these things when they first started dating that she loved about him I was just like why why do you like this and I think her relationship with him even though like he was in my opinion he was very like emotionally abusive she still talks all the time about like how she loves him and so I'm just like you know if these are things that you like maybe this is just like what I need to see that you and I are just like not on the same page anymore you and I don't have like the same values or I don't even want to say values but like just

the way we go about things it was overall shitty situation but I do think it was just necessary for me to see it all yeah it like sometimes you see people who go through these relationships that you very much see as like black and white very toxic like this is like a very clear obvious thing and then it becomes like oh wow these things that i view in this way you might view at like a much lesser degree or you might like like these aspects of a relationship because they mean something else to you and then it just becomes like a okay do i like just let her like am i fine with like her happiness and her being happy in this relationship and knowing we don't want the same things or do i not want to be a part of this friendship because like we're

fundamentally very different people and like i don't like spending time with this person that's sort of where I ended up and I kind of see us now as like I can't I always thought we'd be like friends forever you know of course like when you're young that's what you always want you know we were friends for like 12 years so of course you know and your brain's like oh so we're gonna be friends forever but yeah I kind of see it now as like oh it's my childhood best friend you know if I talk to her cool if I don't that's also okay I don't feel the like need to be as close to her as I once was because, like, no one should be that close because it was so bad. It's valid. And also, she'll be busy. She'll have a baby.

Your playlist might get you through the workday, but have you ever wondered how your ancestors spent theirs? What work helped them build a life? How did they adapt as the world around them changed? With Ancestry, you can search select historical occupational records for free for a limited time and discover the stories behind the jobs in your family tree. You've got questions. we've got ancestors search free until august 31st visit ancestry.ca for details terms apply yeah oh my god oh and then it's also just like that little part where it's like oh my god people around me are having children i'm not i'm not there so i'm just like oh i don't know yeah yeah i think the first time that someone my age that i'm friends with like has a baby i'm gonna

be like what the fuck was this on purpose like what are you doing yeah I think like in a Grey's Anatomy episode Christina it was like are we being happy are we being sad like what's going on and I think that's just sort of like how I'm gonna approach it from now on and be like whatever reaction you're having that's what I'll have just tell me first how I'm supposed to react I know what you're referring to that's just sort of how I'm gonna approach things like you tell me how to react and I will react that way yeah i think that's a good call well thank you so much for giving us the update i'm i it's a hard thing to go through is like the getting less close with your friends and this

is something that's like a very universal experience for a lot of people and i'm glad that at least for right now you guys have been able to have like a civil kind of catch-up check-in friendship in a way that seems like it's probably a lot more emotional a lot less emotionally draining while still like having the nostalgia there yeah therapy has been super useful i think i mentioned in my first call i was like starting therapy and i've been there for over a year and it's been like so helpful and like you know since we grew up together everyone i know knows her and then everyone it's just all so interconnected you can't talk to anybody about it exactly so it's so good to have like a third party who doesn't know anything else besides like what i tell them and

like it won't get back to anyone in any way that's great we're very happy for you thanks for giving us the update take the time to do this this i feel like is so relatable like i'm happy this has the ending that it has but this is very much people go through this all the time but not that sydney's listening to this because she doesn't listen to this podcast but that will not be when i reference it when i'm like oh this happens it does not mean sydney yeah yeah this happens somebody in my life as well yeah i had something kind of similar it was yeah but like uh you know when you recognize that you and friends are fundamentally different but you know me i'm the kind of person that i'm like if i have to confront you about i would just rather

like there are only like a small handful of people and friends that like i would want to repair said friendship if it went if something went wrong but if something goes wrong in a lot of other friendships i go this is just my sign that this is not what i want to do it's time for leave make my exit get out right now she did like a i was on tiktok and she did like a makeup tutorial because she does her makeup on tour every night and it was just like a old school makeup tutorial of like just jojo doing her own makeup and i was like i love you well here's someone we can agree on jojo i love her see how i turn my hand the other way so it'd be the right color i was just about to say i was like this is so weird because you're doing this

that was your intention that was good thank you that was really good i was like holy shit i love when a joke lands out well that was perfect that was like comedy special level everyone need to go on patreon to go uh see how good that was okay so should we get into the calls and give some advice let's do it hi megan and melissa i'm 23 with see her pronouns and this is about my internet friend rachel who also uses see her pronouns she is 24 we met five years ago when we were 18 on taylor swift's fan twitter and we were friends for three years myself and other friends in our internet group chat found out she had been catfishing us with a stranger's pictures and fake details about her life it was weird and internet friendships are

based heavily on trust, so we stopped talking to her. I continued my friendship with the other people in the chat. This past December, so two years after that, we reconnected and forgave her. The rest of the group chat had been in the middle of planning a meetup trip since we had been friends for so long and we now had adult money. We decided to invite her to show her that we had really forgiven her. This past January, we all met up and it went terrible. I loved meeting the other girls from my chat, but Rachel was very strange in real life. She would make negative comments about the homeless population in my city. She would send back food and restaurants. She would be very quiet and ignore us because she wanted attention. She would act jealous anytime I

had a private moment with my other friends. She kept calling herself to get compliments when she was in the presence of our friend who is bigger than she is. It felt like I was on a trip with a high schooler and a 40-year-old Karen at the same time. I just instantly knew she wasn't someone i'd ever want to be friends with in real life then things get juicier when the trip ended she told me she'd been in love with me for five years and she'd been thinking about me non-stop ever since we stopped being friends all those years ago and that she even had a playlist dedicated to me and used to cry to her therapist about me all the years we weren't friends i know i'm bisexual and so is she so rejecting her was weird now that we are all home in our cities and we are back in the

group chat. I just don't want to continue talking to her. My other friends feel the same, but I don't know how to cut her out. She is a nice person in general, but I know she isn't someone I want as a close friend, and I made a mistake rekindling our friendship. Being completely honest, she annoys me and she acts obsessed with me. She even says she wants to move to my city now. I'm not sure what to do because I do feel bad. She has no real-life friends, and I have a full-time job, and my real-life friends, etc. My online group chat is just one part of my life. Her entire life is this group chat and I feel like a bad person taking it away from her. Any advice would be super helpful. Thank you. There are two kinds of people on Stan Twitter. And this is, this is it.

This is the difference between these two. Oh my god. So before you said that, like, she's like really obsessed with you and wants to move your city. At first I was like, i don't even necessarily think that she has a crush on you i just like think that like she desperately wants like attention and like that's like the biggest source of validation and attention that there is but like no now i fully think that you're like she not that i did i don't want to say i thought you were wrong but i wondered if that was just for attention but now it's like oh no she is just kind of like stalker creepy movie kind of body snatcher where your skin obsessed with you oh gosh that was a roller coaster very entertaining you can get a diamond for that thank

you for all the details I loved it I did love it it was juicy very juicy here's the thing is that you seem concerned about sometimes it's okay to you know be selfish and I think this is a time to be selfish because this is not somebody you want in your life you're the one that went to her and brought her back so i don't think anybody else in the group would have a problem with it and they witnessed her behavior too so they're they're on the same page as you i would be concerned for my safety and i would cut her out of my life and who knows if she actually doesn't have other friends because she lied to you for all the other time catfishing you she could still be catfishing you well not catfishing but hiding other aspects of her life she may or she may not but she got along

seemingly okay when you guys weren't talking to her so she can get along again when you're not talking to her so put yourself first watch out for your safety does she know like your address and things look into that sorry you're going through this yeah it's not your responsibility to like mitigate the the results of her actions like this is this is like she was did all of these things that like are beyond just like i think you need to detach yourself from the fact that you find her annoying because that's like the least that feels most personal and not like personal attack towards her but for you it feels like the most like this is a me problem and that's kind of where you can start to feel guilty but like you know she's making like horrible comments

like and like morally you don't seem to align at all and that was already after she was on thin ice because she cat like catfished you all and like lied about all this kind of stuff and so i think if you take away the um i find her annoying argument in your head i think it'll be a much easier thing for you to just like be done but yeah it's not anyone's responsibility even if you're like i'm someone who it's like when you know someone's situation and like what they're going through that can help you have a better understanding of why they might be doing the thing that they're doing or why they're going about something in the way that they are but that doesn't dictate like that doesn't have to change how i feel about it like i can understand

you better but that doesn't mean that I'm going to necessarily I don't want to say like be more understanding but be more understanding it like value what you are doing and the reason why you're doing it above my comfort level like if that makes me uncomfortable I don't really care why you're doing it it might be helpful for me to know why or like why you are this way but I knowing that can also make me like solidified and being like okay I don't think you're a bad person but like I don't want to be a part of your life or I want to separate myself from you for this like it doesn't have to be the justification or excuse for the behavior that then makes you feel like you have to stay in that i've been in that as a kid that someone treated me so badly and like

they had stuff going on in like their own lives and things that they dealt with that i was told by adults in my life and i was forced to maintain a friendship with this person and it was hell and then i ended up being really mean to her because she was really mean to me and then i was a bitch for that because like you know it's like there's things that like you're dealt some shit in life and you do what you do with them and not everybody has the same tools to do what they can with those cards but you don't have to settle for that kind of like behavior and i think that like especially because you've said that she has like made her feelings to you clear and like you find you feel uncomfortable with like she wants to move to your city and all of that stuff really like value that

and like real because that is not okay and like that's really uncomfortable and that's not something that you need to like deal with for the sake of like her feeling her feeling uncomfortable for making you feel super uncomfortable what was on the playlist taylor swift songs i know but what specific songs would you like me to tell you what songs i think were on it yeah okay so i don't know what side of taylor swift stay on twitter you are on i don't know if you're on the kaylor gaylor twitter i don't know if you're on ed sheeran taylor i don't know if it's joe taylor like i don't know what the ships are that would then i didn't know all these existed oh there are so many i knew about the first one because i've heard you talk about it but not the

rest there's also like the joe jonas taylor swift romanticizers the john there's like all of these different one so like i don't know where you where she falls on that because for that then i would pick specific songs that like resonate with those parts of the fandom but i would say lover probably this one says she cried too so you gotta think about that too oh great great lover all too well obviously champagne problems nothing new is not necessarily a love song but that is a song if you're gonna cry to one you would do that exile pretty much anything from folklore evermore the one i could see like the upbeat song that's actually quite sad that she could be sad to my tears ricochet of course there's a lot okay now i'm gonna listen to some bops yeah this is

stan twitter gets them all you can tell me full you know runs the gamut yeah all right call two Hi, Megan and Melissa. First of all, I want to tell you how great I think your podcast is and how helpful your advice is to so many people. To not make this confusing, I'll start by saying that I'm a 20-year-old queer girl that is currently studying engineering at university. I've been dating my girlfriend for 11 months, and recently we decided it was best for us to take a break.

The reason for this was based on a couple of things. One being that she doesn't feel like she can trust me because I'm using a dating app to find queer friends. She's the first person that I've gotten together with, and I love her so damn much and I would never want to cheat or hurt her in any way. But at the same time, I'd like to expand my circle of queer friends. I'm not really big on social events nor parties. There's not many opportunities for me to meet new friends, unfortunately. I also find it easier to text through an app to communicate with people. I'm very aware that this makes my girlfriend

uncomfortable, even though I really wish it wouldn't. She's also told me that it annoys her that I take out my bad mood on her, meaning I stop talking to her or act more harsh towards her. Mostly that bad mood comes from school stress and having to take care of my apartment since I recently moved to a new city to study here. I really do try my best to handle my emotions and not let my bad mood affect the relationship.

I should mention that my girlfriend doesn't study at the moment. She's got two part-time jobs that take up two to four days a week. I sometimes feel like she doesn't understand the stress I'm under and is therefore taking my bad mood as me being mad at her, even though I'm really not. We also live in two different countries, her being from Denmark and me being from Sweden, which means we're kind of long distance. It takes about two and a half hours to get to each other by train. Therefore, we usually spend at least two or three days at each other's places,

which kind of means we have to pause our lives or reschedule our lives around the time we see each other. with all this said my question is basically what your stance on using dating apps to get friends is and what i should do to fix my relationship if possible i really love her and i hate that i've managed to hurt her this much thank you for your advice in advance and feel free to be as real as you want oh and i don't know if this is helpful in any way but i'm a leo and my girlfriend is a gemini thank you you can't be on this is sus as fuck like you can't like being on a dating app while you're like oh i'm just trying to find friends like i hope i i know that like you're not like this is just like this is a fuck boy thing like that's like what a guy who is cheating on

you says he's like no i'm just on date he's like gaslights you to be like no i'm on dating i just like make friends like that's just what i'm and you're like no that's sus as fuck and like it's not just because that's what they like those are the guys that do it it's because like as an act like it is sus as hell because nobody puts when they're on dating apps like unless you're going to like bumble bff or like something that's just for friends you are then also misleading the people who see you on there and when you say you're on there just for friends let me tell you just for friends means i'm hooking we want to just fuck that's what just friends means yep so like i don't know in sweden where you are do they have bumble where you can switch your

profile to be bff so then yeah you can use that just for friends or some other dating app that's equivalent but if somebody i was dating was on i heard them say i'm on dating apps to meet friends i just wouldn't be down for it if we're in a monogamous relationship yeah no if that was even gonna happen like you can't just do that it have to make a sit-down conversation of like hey i'm really struggling to like make friends here and i know that like maybe we met on a dating app or like this is like how people meet and relationship wise like i want to know if you would feel comfortable if i like set my profile to say that i was like looking for friends and doing that like that i think you should even let your partner know before you go on bumble like bff

just like to like let them know because like that app is on your phone and it like that is something that there is a connotation with dating apps for dating because they're for dating it's called a dating up for a reason it's like yeah that just sounds like i would not trust you at all at all if you said that to me and then for the part about like it's you sound very like sincerely remorseful that you've like hurt her and like i think the difference is though is that like you're recognizing what that what you're doing and like you're taking your bad mood on out on her like has been like hurting her whatever but you're also kind of justifying it and it's like well it's because of this it's like so that just can you change your behavior because if you can't

change your behavior it doesn't really matter why you're doing it like you are doing it and like yeah you shouldn't take your frustrations out you can be mad but you don't take your frustrations out on your partner or anyone else for that matter so since you guys are long distance why not you know if you're in one of your moves just tell her i'm not you know filling up for company right now So I won't be contacting you until I'm out of this mental rut. Yeah. And if you are hanging out in person and like you're frustrated about work or something like that, like, yeah, you only get two or three days together every time.

And like, you do have to schedule like your life around that. That's not like a courtesy. That is something that you just kind of have to do. Both of you have to do when you're dating someone long distance in this way. And if you're going to do that, I think that you also do need to like schedule around like work stuff that could possibly come up and yeah ruin that time and if you have a hard time not taking out your bad mood on her which is something i think you should definitely work out on therapy because you shouldn't take your bad mood on anyone um if you have a hard time with that then you need

to remove those triggers that work stuff from when she's there if that's like an inevitable outcome that right now what you do is you take it out on her when you have work stress or school stress when you have school stress you take it out on her and so schedule your timing stuff with her when you're not doing school stuff so that can't come up because you right now you don't have a healthy response mechanism to that but i will also say that like motz is definitely someone who like he he i don't know he doesn't like take his back didn't like take his bad moods out on me but like i am someone who like i'm like a very i'm never gonna use the e-word that everybody uses even though my therapist used to describe me but it gives me the cringe i'm very perceptive to other

people's like emotions and feelings and for people I care about I can sometimes be like oh are you mad at me like I'm assuming that you know that's my anxiety like assuming people are mad at me or upset with me or whatever and so something that both of us do with each other now is if one of us is like really stressed or having a bad day at work and we're not home before we come home we will text the other person and be like had a really rough day at work might be pretty low energy tonight and just giving the other person like getting ahead of it so it's not like it's okay if you can't suppress your emotions and like compartmentalize and like box things up and like suck it down and if you can't do that fine that's very okay but you need to let your partner know

ahead of time that that's where your mindset is at and not just assume that you're going to do a wonderful job covering it up because it's going to come out at some point and you're going to see those like little glimpses of that and if you don't have some information and knowledge as to why that's happening it's natural to assume that it's about you and to think that you are the reason why that they're upset and getting ahead of it like that but i think like that this just feels like you both have very different like ways of communicating and i think that therapy is always helpful and also if you don't like how you are treating someone and you recognize that like the behaviors that you have and the things that you typically do are fine when you're single and it's

just you by yourself but the second that there is like a friend involved or a relationship involved like it comes up and it's like not working out so well that might be a sign that like taking a step back from a relationship so you're not hurting anyone so you can like work on yourself to be better because these things that serve us when we are alone don't always serve us when we're with other people but that doesn't mean necessarily that those people are the wrong people for us sometimes it's like oh this coping mechanism that i've had only works during my individual like when i'm so low but also it can also work for some period of time and then it no longer serves me and so i think that this could be a really great like growing time for you because if i was if i

was i'd feel really disrespected in like all aspects i would feel so disrespected and full disclosure i would have dumped you it just seems so sus but especially after so sus after i've had the conversation with you that i wasn't comfortable with this and then you try to still justify it there's other ways to meeting friends like there's facebook groups there might be a community at your school like dating apps it's not it's so sus like if i knew anybody who like told me this like if if your girlfriend called in i'd be like she's cheating on you like without a doubt like and you're having to take your word for it i mean i'm not saying that you are but she's having to take your word for it when like the probability of that actually this being true

normally i'm not doubting that that's the truth for you but like if i was her friend i'd be like you're being you're no yeah because people in dating apps are looking for dating and it doesn't have to just be dating if their profile i said this before but if their profile says just looking for friends that means fucking like there's no like imagine if you matched with someone who like who said like just looking for friends and you don't assume that that's like I've matched like when I had Raya for a short stint because I and I asked Matz's permission because I was just like having an insecure couple months and I just like you know wanted to feel good about myself so I got on dating apps where I succeed as a two-dimensional creature and I matched with

someone who or yeah I matched with someone who their profile said just looking for friends it was abundantly clear they i knew they weren't looking for friends this man had no shortage of friends he had so many friends but like imagine if you matched with somebody like right now on a dating app and it said like just looking for friends and then you go out like you wouldn't assume that they were yeah you just assume they're just hooking up like they're just casual they're not looking for a relationship because that's like usually how it's broken up it's like i guess there's like looking for what is it it's like looking for friends looking for a serious relationships or being casual and so most people put casual because they think that that's the

correct answer to not scare people off even in reality it's not and then people who put just friends are looking to to fuck and they want you they're trying to not put casual because they know that everybody puts casual because they don't want it it means dating because they don't want to seem like they're coming on too strong or being too much and so they want to make it abundantly clear that they're just looking for friends who they can swap saliva with and juices you know i have faith that this can change though you know yeah but you gotta do some soul searching though yeah yeah don't let this be your villain origin story all right should we take a break let's do it

should we be back from our break i guess so we're back from our break let's get into the rest of the calls hi megan and melissa i love the podcast i have a bit of an interesting roommate dilemma that i would love some advice on and i have a lot of details to share so i'm going to get right into it. So, I'll start out. I have three roommates. We'll call them Alice, Matthew, Sam. Alice is 24. She, her. Matthew, 25. He, him. Sam, 23. He, him. And I'm 22, and she, her pronouns. So, I'm legit fixed. We all moved in at the start of the school year. We all go to grad school. Me and Matthew, Sam are in our third year. Alice is in her first year. Alice is in her third year.

I have a dog. Alice has a cat, and we have a driveway, a fenced-in backyard, or we can walk in distance to campus and are under all of our budgets. So, mostly things have gone well, which is great. Matthew's done a couple weird things to us as well as being less clean. Me and Alice have become quite good friends. We go out together. We go on hikes.

We have movie nights. We both really like living with each other. We have agreed that no matter what else happens, we'd like to continue living together. Our original plan was to ask Matthew to find a different place next year, which shouldn't be too much of a concern or a shock as he brought up our concerns

multiple times and just replaced them. Now, the interesting part, at the beginning of the lease, Alice was in a long-term, long-distance relationship She's someone who had kids, and she broke up with him at the start of the new year. She didn't want to be a stepmom to his kids. Very fair. I support it completely.

During this time period, I did notice that she faced tempting two to four times a day when they were together. I'm not saying this is bad, but it's very different from how I go about relationships. We're very similar in many other ways. On the 4th of January, she goes on a really good date with a guy. This is about two weeks after breaking up with her long-term boyfriend. We'll call him Greg, and we start casually dating. Greg seems great, but they've been hanging out with each other for not even two months, and they're already engaged and planning a wedding for sometimes six months to one year from now.

Obviously, this is incredibly fast, and I am a little bit concerned from her, but I've given her my opinion, and I'm just going to try and be there for her no matter what happens. It's also worth noting that she's barely spent any time at home or with anyone else since they made things between them official about a month ago. Now she's talking about having him move in at the end of her lease and it just being the three of us, if he could cover two people's rent. I don't necessarily mind living with a couple,

especially if I get to know him better, but it seems really fast. And especially because she's talking about wanting to kick Sam out, he would be completely blindsided by this. And I'm a little bit confused about that myself. I would very appreciate any advice from him. And I love the podcast.

Thanks. Bye. Did she have more time? She had 30 seconds left. Oh my God. Babe, I would have loved if you utilize the 30 seconds because here's the thing i wrote down i take notes because otherwise i won't remember things i wrote down alice matthew tim and then we get to the end of the call and then she said something about sam and i go there's a greg in there too right tim oh yeah greg is the

new boyfriend but i was trying to get all the roommates names and then she was like and then something about sam and i was like oh the fuck is sam but i think i either miss her tim or sam so the third roommate's either named tim or sam okay i know it sounds like the calls you can hear as like a listener that the calls sound i think they sound better when you are listening as a podcast than like us listening i don't know it just they they just do and they're easier to because when you're just listening as a podcaster you don't have to listen as carefully yeah you can pause and rewind and do all that stuff but like yeah so i i really appreciate all of like the details um it was too many details to be honest well at first i was just kind of like are you going to

tell us your floor plan and your social security yeah like we didn't need to know that there was dogs and a fenced-in backyard we didn't need to know that information i think i think with the the summary of that is that you really like the place like you really it has everything that you want and so that's kind of what i'm assuming was what that means because that makes this decision you have to factor in the fact that you really love the place that you live and it might kind of be an anomaly for where you are okay so the gist of it is you want to live with one of these people and kick out the other people and you wanted to live with alice yeah and then they wanted to kick out it was going to be alice you and then let's decide it's tim okay okay and you

wanted to live with alice and tim and you were going to kick out matthew because like he's a bad roommate and like you've tried talking to him and he hasn't adjusted and changed but then alice started dating up two weeks after breaking up with her boyfriend long-term boyfriend started dating a guy named greg and now they've been dating for two months and they're engaged and alice wants to kick out matthew and tim because you and her since the beginning have said that like no matter what you want to live together so then you would live with both of them no i know you said you're fine with like living with a couple no in general and like i i say no to living with a couple even if it's a couple who's been together for like 10 years or like a very long

time like unless you really have to and like it's a very unique situation and like you are friends with them and like you have like really strong bound you're not friends with them you have really strong boundaries and they are roommates who happen to like live on a different floor with like a different entrance and like even that it should be temporary because like i cannot stress to you how much it is like you are signing back up to be a child and live in a two-parent household with people who are not parent age and are have no responsibility to you as their child to kind of protect you from their arguments which parents don't even always do like it is just like a unhinged version of like a being a child around parents who aren't looking out for you i don't

recommend it let alone when they have been dating for two months but also if he can cover the amount for two people's rent because that's what because they're going to kick out one of the other people so if he can cover the amount for two people's rent then they can go get another place well i think that this is three rents three rents i think it's alice's subconscious of like trying to keep a friendship close and like maybe there's a little part of her that knows that this relationship is moving really fast and this is being a lot and like you are essentially being a safety net for this engagement if you are living with her because you would all like she would have you and that to me is she would have you to rely on to talk about the relationship when they're going

through stuff and like then that becomes like your dad talking or your mom talking badly to you about your dad because you and then you have to see him in the kitchen later getting coffee like you have to live with it and like no like this is this is you let her know like i'm really like i appreciate you wanting to still like live with me and reaching out because that's something that we had talked about that was us living together i'm like obviously really happy for you that you are happy in a relationship all i care about is your happiness but i really don't want to live with like a couple like this should be an exciting time for you if you would like this would be something that like you're excited to live together and like start your relationship together

and that's just like not something that i like feel comfortable doing so thank you for asking but like me to live with you guys but i'm going to like figure out my own living situation and that's it but the thing is if you're going to be the one now it's just two of you so you're needing to kick out two other people right no here's the thing this is when you have to deal with this is you have to deal with matthew and yeah yeah so there's tim sam and matthew so alice is gone and so you were planning on kicking out matthew did she say that she was planning on finding out someone to replace him okay so then but here's the thing greg is taking you know it's gonna pay enough for two people so that's the thing is like if greg moves in then he's gonna

cover both of them so then they wouldn't have to find another roommate but what if if you don't want to live with them do you think that greg is just going to move in and then be like sam you can stay and then you are now left with matthew who you don't want to live with and you have no place to live yeah okay here's the thing this is what you got to do you and tim sam tim you need to sit with tim some and you need to do some damage control with matthew because here's the thing right now you are split two and two because matthew can be like fuck all y'all alice can be like matthew we're so sorry that they were also mean to you and telling you that you needed to like put your dishes away and like clean up dog shit like they were so unreasonable why don't

we stay here together and my boy and we won't have to get anyone else and then she's gonna recruit matthew but then it'll just be you and tim and then you're two and two and you're split you can't do anything about it so what you and tim sim need to do is you and tim sam need to recruit matthew backpedal all the shit you talked about matthew so you can be three against one and say goodbye to your friendship with alice if you want to keep this apartment or you tell her how like great these apart you find like a really cute wonderful nice place for her to live with like her and her uh her and greg and you like talk it up so much you talk about such or maybe you go tour it and you're like oh it's just too expensive for like me and uh matthew to like cover

ourselves like it's so suck it's so beautiful you should go look at it you would love it and you get her to go there and then you work overtime and recruit to get someone else to fill the spot of alice and matthew if you want or you just also backpedal with matthew and then you just have one person to replace alice this sounds like a lot of work i would just leave i would too yeah it sounds like so much work and again like right now as it stands it seems like you're gonna end up in a two against two situation like this is going to be a lot of fighting for this and i don't think that you're necessarily going to um walk away with the friendships intact and i think if that's your priority then i would find a new place to live yeah and also just know that statistically

most likely alice and greg will break up and then you can eventually live with her again and so if that's something that you like really like her as a person and you want to maintain the friendship that this is a phase that don't tell her that this is a phase but you've got to preserve the friendship if you want to have that friendship down the road this still has my mind just like in mush i've never taken enough adderall in my life to keep up with that amount of details like i can talk that fast but i cannot get that much information out i didn't even say that much like i can talk that much i can talk that fast i can use the same amount of words but i am not saying that much information yeah um okay next call hi megan and melissa i am 23 years old and i go by

she her i am a latina i recently found out that one of my friends is a trump supporter we met through work and had been friends for two years our other friend let's call her nancy is the one who told me nancy said she thought i knew but i've always been pretty clear about my political views and one time in front of both of them said I would never be friends with a trans supporter so I don't really know how Nancy thought I knew no matter of fact Nancy told me that one time she was hanging out with a trans supporter and Nancy told her to never mention that to me if she wanted to continue being my friend I'm not sure what they were talking about exactly but it was definitely about politics it's safe to say that the trans supporter is out of my life for good but I guess

my question is, do you think I can trust Nancy? Should I believe that she thought I knew? She's kind of all over the place and has a different friend group, and I kind of feel like it wasn't that deep to her. Also, after this happened, I told a few of my other friends, and I feel that although I've always been pretty sure that my friends and I share views, how do I know for sure? I feel like I can't trust people to be a friend about their views, especially because it's from supporter would talk crap about her family and agree with me when i would talk about you know how the many reasons why i don't support trump i guess my question is how do i make sure my friends and future friends are not revoked love you both thank you nancy suss yep nancy suss this is this

is your weak link i'm letting you know right now nancy is why you're having these feelings and you're questioning these things. Nancy is the wild card. And Nancy is the reason why you feel like this. I don't feel like this in my life ever at all, because the conversations I have with my friends are not just me bringing up things. They're also bringing it up. They're instigating and starting those conversations. It's also talking about not just talking about what political party you belong to, but what beliefs you have as well. So if you're just organically talking about you know climate change or like women's health and like immigration like those things are going to be more telling than just saying i'm a democrat i can't be friends with

a trump supporter you've got to have real conversations and it seems like you are someone who is like passionate about politics and like not even just politics but like social and moral issues that are happening as a result has become political in our country that like that is something that like should come like you you should have those conversations with your friends and that's not something that you need to like investigate or discover about them like that's something that like i personally value people who are like my friends who are also like driven by social causes like i wouldn't be friends with someone who wasn't and so like i don't feel the need to dig or question them or like yeah like try and figure it out it's just like the oh we

share this we have this like shared thing that we both care about that like we both independently will bring up in conversation to each other and it's not in like a quizzing or testing way it is just like a holy shit can you believe like blah blah like before we ever even i mean i think we probably always talked about social issues and stuff like on our podcast i'm like we've had like we have more conversations about like moral and social issues off the podcast than we do and we talk on the podcast like hours every single week like but that's how i am with like all of my friends and like you don't have to all be interested in the same things like i have some friends who's like are more passionate about different aspects of it and are like less

informed or educated about other parts and like we teach each other about things but like the root origins of all of them are the same and nancy is sus yeah nancy is here nancy you know who i'm thinking about stranger things girl nope i'm thinking about slob on the knob reagan oh who's also kind of sus i mean she's not sus at all but i mean i guess that's true now that we know that it was it was not private information like public information that like i just didn't know so that's on me but yeah this is just like i think that like okay so let's say you're jessica and nancy is like talking with friends and it's like oh don't bring up to jessica that you're a republican like she will not like like that's

quickest way that she will not be friends with you like if you want to make like do not do that first of all why is nancy hanging out with republicans if she is like as passionate about this as you are i don't think she is and then also why is she trying to protect them in a friendship with you and have them intentionally deceive you and not bring up something about them that would impact how you feel about them like what like that's that this isn't like a oh don't bring up that you're uh i don't know you're a fold your toilet paper roll like your toilet paper roll on the outside versus like the inside like hanging down like that's irrelevant but like this is like something that you want to surround yourself with those people she's protecting them

and you seem like she was like oh she doesn't think it's not that deep to her i think that's Because Nancy, I would say Nancy is probably not aligned politically with you and is not nearly as progressive as you are, or maybe as she thinks she is, or she's alluded to you. Because if she's encouraging other people to not say their political beliefs to you, why do we believe that she's being honest? Yeah. I think we found the imposter. We found the imposter. Yes. Nancy's the imposter!

yeah it's nancy it's nancy and i promise i can't promise but like i bet you when you cut out her and you make other friends you might feel like a little like hesitant at first to feel like oh no how do i do this but then you're gonna meet someone and you're gonna be like oh i don't have to worry i don't have to test there are other people like me out there who it's a conversation right off the bat like this is i've never had a friend who aligned with me that's why i think i have to find them even just like in directing audiobooks when we get on we can't see each other we haven't had conversations before me and the the actor and we'll kind of like test each other out and see what beliefs are be like man it's hot outside and then we'll see what the

other person says global warming yeah and then yeah it's real it's it's funny when we're first getting on and just kind of having conversations but that's so funny because sometimes the books are political or political adjacent or just about you know right says whatever and we're just kind of figuring out what the other person thinks yeah yeah i mean shit i do that in everything not even on purpose like i had to find a new general practitioner because like i found out that you know he was a trump supporter and like you know and was super homophobic and i was like okay no like when you operate your life in that sense and like that way i promise you're going to make one friend first who is the same as you and then you're never going to have to question

ever again because like if you have to question that's the like that there's your answer yeah do what i mean like if you're and if you're and people always say like well no not everybody's like up front with their beliefs like some people like are quiet about their beliefs and i'm like they're not progressive then and they're no lots of like people hide the fact i was like nobody does because you know it's so embarrassing i'd be mortified i have a white blonde woman i statistically know that we do not have a great track record so i understand look at me judge me immediately automatically think i'm a republican and a conservative that is your that that you're that's your own vice but but you would also like you would most likely be right and that's my

responsibility to be like no i'm gonna go above and beyond because there's nothing more embarrassing than like someone for a lot prolonged period of time if they told me like oh i always thought you were a trump supporter i'd be like like that would cut deep that would cut deep so nobody who is progressive is going to let you think otherwise unless they're not as progressive as they as they think they are yeah and also you can also still be just to know you can still be like progressive and like vote for progressive policies and like as a white person still uphold white supremacy and still like hide that to like stay comfortable in spaces and comfortable with the status quo that has benefited you for centuries upon centuries which is not like an innocent thing that is like

still horrible all facts no lies detected so goodbye nancy nancy is the imposter is that the title of this episode yes nancy is the imposter people are gonna be like what the fuck is this episode now okay well we have don't blame them so this is where a listener will call in and thus becoming a caller and they're going to give their own advice on a call we had played on previous episodes so maybe they have personal experience with it. It's something that we overlooked or didn't say, or they just have their own thoughts and feelings. You can get another perspective on it. Ready? Here we go.

Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm calling for a Don't Blame Them for the most recent episode. It was It's a call about the 21-year-old person who was sober and having a hard time socializing as a result. And I wanted to come from the perspective of someone who is not sober but who doesn't really drink. A little bit of backstory. One of my parents is sober, and it was, like, kind of a big deal as a kid, like, trying to get him to go sober. And so it kind of put a bad taste in my mouth as far as alcohol goes. I do drink sometimes, but very rarely. And I just wanted to give a little bit of advice on how to form relationships as a sober person.

Because I don't really drink. What I do is I will try to get to know people. You know how when you have friendships and you have like the get to know each other phase, I will say, well, what do you like to do? I like to do this and I don't really drink. And then you can go to like a restaurant and hopefully it'll be a restaurant that doesn't really serve alcohol. And as you get a little bit closer with said friends, you can say, by the way, I'm actually sober and I don't drink because of X, Y, and Z. And hopefully they're a good friend and they will respect that. And then if they're not then you can totally move on and try that with other people and it will stick because

I have a friend who is sober and this is exactly what they did for me recently in you know before the panini got worse again we were vaccinated and we decided to go to a comedy show in Vegas and while they were in Vegas with me I was sober with them so they were able to enjoy Vegas without feeling the pressure of having alcohol around them. I ordered a virgin drink. And it was a really good time. So I also want to say as you get older, it gets a lot easier because more and more people drink less and less as they get older. That's just my experience. And I come from a pretty like alcohol heavy town. So I have a lot of experience with that. So hopefully that helps. and congratulations i'm super proud of you a huge step to take so congratulations and i hope that

helps bye-bye great love it absolutely absolutely love it and yeah again i mean we talked with this at length with the last episode but anyone who is like so personally threatened by someone else like being sober or they are like can't imagine being friends with someone they wouldn't be friends with someone who doesn't drink because it's like so prevalent in their lives those are people who probably should should also evaluate their relationship with alcohol and i think it's really hard to make friends with people who have a healthy relationship with drinking because i don't think a lot of people do have a healthy relationship with drinking like i don't want to say sobriety is like a very like but alcoholism is like there's a there's a definition of it and

same thing with like sobriety, but it's not just people who are not alcoholics and people who are alcoholics. They're within that range. There are also people who just don't have great relationships with alcohol. There are people who have allergic reactions to alcohol. There are people like, there are all of these other things that a lot more people fall into that is not just alcoholism. That's something that I think part of the reason why people I find drink, they either drink a lot more or a lot less when they get older and they just get older in their lives and it's because they recognize that they don't have the healthiest relationship with alcohol whether that's i get really bad hangovers i get migraines for days on end i can't function the day after i get really

nauseous like two things like oh i'm not good at saying no to having another drink like i don't really know my limits like i don't feel safe blacking out as an adult and like that there are all these things that like come with that age and then there's also people who just kind of double down and continue maintaining an unhealthy relationship with it but when you get older and people get more responsibilities it tends to be something that coincides with drinking less and i think personally that once you hit like 30 then there's absolutely not even but i yeah i'd say now i probably still some people are like you don't drink but like i would say 30 and like that's like for my friends who are 30 and older than that that's when you start to know people who are

sober and have gone to rehab and have gone through all of that stuff and the judgment it cuts down like i think it cuts down because they're recognizing people they've known for either their whole life or large chunks of their lives that they partied with and they drank with and they've seen drunk have had to reevaluate their relationship with alcohol which then makes them evaluate their own yeah i went to this party in malibu it was an open bar like it was paid for And I had already decided just because Malibu was windy that I wouldn't even have one drink while I was there. I mean, not windy, windy, but I really drink as it is anyway. And then I said I wasn't going to drink.

And then someone else was like, oh, I'm not going to drink either. I'll hang out with you. And then someone else was like, oh, this is like the non-drinking group. So it was like six of us that hung out the whole night and weren't drinking. And it's like when you say that more people are into it. so every wedding i've gone to people get excited when now that they know me but before they knew me when i was like oh i don't drink the amount of people who i could visibly see the relief on their faces being like oh my god great i'm not gonna drink then too we can hang out and i'm like

the fact that you felt obligated to do this that's like our culture's fucked with that like yeah and now when people are like so excited so like all the even now that we're older it's all the pregnant girl all the moms and then people are like oh my god you're gonna be here great we don't have to drink together this is awesome and no one's gonna think i'm pregnant because i'm not drinking and i was like great perfect versus before it would be like why not just have one shot i'm like you know like why is that fun for you it's not you're insecure well that is it for our episode if you want to leave this review on the podcast app we appreciate it and if you want to uh call me for an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and you can send us

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can yeah limited qualities left yeah and give us some words of encouragement to make some more merch okay well we will see you all next time and uh listen to our other podcast what am i wrong on thursday yeah goodbye goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa DeMonts and Diamond Imprint Productions. Edited by Coco Lawrence. Post-production sound by Chris Henry. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.