Don't Blame Me! - Not Wanting to be a Mean Girl

Episode Date: March 20, 2023

This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Trio Friendships Maneuvering a relationship with a transphobic friend Update Ex lying to sleep with someone (3.6.2023) Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

wow beautiful intro music from the award-winning the grammy nominated the grant i like that was like on the tip of my i was like what was that fucking thing called very means i forgot the word yeah and it you know and it's not a lie it's not a lie the grammy nominated you know you're in great company is there like a club that you get to join like where you hang out no but also this is the first year they've had this category too so i'm in the inaugural class and you get look at you and your multiple buzzwords inaugural and grammy nominated wow wow wow this is another episode of don't blame me my name is megan and my name's melissa

and together we make up the angel and the devil on your shoulder except we both secretly have devil horns and little cute little halos because we're multifaceted because we're women and you can't put us in a box but you can't put us on your shoulder you may notice that we're recording separately and that's because it is pouring down raining and it has not stopped all day long no so if you're listening maybe you probably won't hear but like i will say it's been kind of like a nice white noise in the background but if you're watching the video you will notice that we are not sitting together and we are on flood watch yet again and our household is currently down to one car. And that is my Jeep. So Mats did need to, I mean, I was like, there's no way I want to drive

in this. And also my vision, I cannot do the reflections. We've been over this. But I also feel a lot safer that he does have to drive and he's not in an Uber. Yeah. Hydroplaning across Los Angeles. Correct. Correct. Yeah. And also I was summoned out of my sleep this morning now that it's daylight savings time. I'm obsessed, by the way. I love daylight savings. I've never loved it more than anything in the entire world. I dislike it. Because at six o'clock, which before that would have been bright outside, like it would have been bright. So this wouldn't have been as much of a nuisance. But because it was dark, a truck parked right next to the window of where my bedroom is. So like on the side of my house. And I don't know what it was something I

don't know if they were delivering something or taking something away. I looked outside. I couldn't understand why they were there. But they had orange lights around the whole truck and they were flashing and the kind of window dressings that I have are kind of like these fabric things which I love because they let in just enough light but if something if it's dark and it's flashing it's too much light like it intensifies it and then the people were also honking and I just I probably had like five hours of sleep at that point and you know when you're you were like in REM and you wake up and you're just without going through the proper stages and you're just bewildered and don't know what's going on and you have a headache. And that's what I was at.

And then I couldn't go to sleep. And then I was like, since I'm up, I might as well review a podcast, which I did. And then the lights were still going. And then I was like, I'm going to submit my script to this contest. And I did that. And when they finally left, I could close my little eyes and you had texted me. Yeah. And you're like, can we start later? And I said, I don't even think I respond. I think I said, yes.

You said, thank God. You said, God, yes. And I was like, I love your enthusiasm. Amazing. I finally was able to go back to sleep and it was like the deepest sleep. And I woke up refreshed, but later than what we had planned on, which I apologize for. I don't care. i always just worry that it was my fault and i'm like oh no was i supposed to text you to be ready

no it was my fault and then we've just gone through we've had things today that have turned out to be longer than what we expected them to be but they were good things hopefully i mean one of them definitely a good thing because you'll hear it later it's our update so we're not going to do it after we're done talking here like we usually do we're going to put it at the end because it's long we vibed hard we vibed hard but there's just so much valuable information that's there so we're not going to talk about the profession that this person is like going into but i just want to say that like it's one of those things that like just talking to her i'm like i have hope for people like a i hope for anyone who goes to therapy so therapized so like is able to put like thoughts

to feelings so like inspiring like i think anyone who listens will like gain knowledge insight and be like wow this I'm gonna carry so much of this like with me for the rest of my life right like I was literally thinking whenever they go into that profession like if I need something from that profession then I I'm flying my ass there I would go there yep because I trust her so much without and that's someone I would want in my corner yeah they were just like really really cool and specifically about the call that they called in about is one that we've talked about ad nauseum since it happened. And I think the insight there and additional information is going to be something that like, I don't want to call it entertaining, but like,

there's so much insight from someone who's been a part of it that we can apply to everyone in your life, even if you haven't been through this exact situation. Yeah. Taking it back to when you said suddenly waking up, when I tell you this is actually what set my fucking weekend off completely wrong I think it was Sunday morning I woke up and I don't totally remember this but Mott said I just had like a sudden start of a wake up like I'm like I'm very sensitive to noise like I'm not a really like not a super deep sleeper but because I don't really get much REM sleep at all but for some reason like I don't know what it was it was like he told me like hey I have coffee there for you and I immediately was like oh no I don't want it to be cold I was laying down I sat up so fast

vertigo immediately for hours like i was not okay like i haven't had that bad of vertigo in it was almost i had a real like i forget what it was that i had that i've had like when i had covid i had like kind of shitty vertigo but like not that bad i remember i had the vertigo that felt like i had like the spins for days like it was like i it was almost if i could smell tequila on my body and i hadn't been drinking like so it was like that level but it was so bad and it was like i was like what the fuck and monster was like maybe it's just because you sat up fast and i look it up yep that's exactly what can happen like if you just sit up too fast oh no i've had i'm never doing that again it was so bad i did take an antihistamine which did help

and a lot of people said that that helps but like a miracle that i did not vomit like everywhere like i was not okay and then of course it takes me straight back to being on a cruise ship which is also not a place that i want to be so like i'm i'm having like psychologically i'm not enjoying what this is these feelings are and I'm also not enjoying these feelings it was so so bad and I'm like I'm very glad that you now know you I mean you already knew not to sit up immediately but as soon as you start telling that story you go oh no I hope she didn't sit up too fast and get vertigo I've had vertigo but it was just I just didn't wake up fully you know like I was it was just too much it was too much and I'm very mad about that your bodies are gonna body they're

gonna do what they need to do and it needs to sleep and you had the wherewithal to not sit up and give yourself awful vertigo but I forget there was one day last week or something like that and I did have a gap in my meds and that can happen uh once you like are taking them again where I slept like 14 hours which is not normal for me like if I get like six hours of sleep that's impeccable and also the shift in weather sometimes can like disrupt your sleep without you even realizing it I prefer the cold rainy weather when I don't have to go anywhere so I was really looking forward to this sleep you know my personal vendetta against lights I hate lights I hate bright lights I hate lights flickering i hate all of that but i have a extreme hatred for car lights specifically

headlights but any sort of fucking flashing hazard safety light first of all i have impaired vision but i'm not vision impaired like i'm not blind i'm not any i can i can see but you're making it actually harder for me to see because i do have vision issues and then there's no sound stuff so like this isn't accessible to everybody to be warned about this thing and you're making it more dangerous it was six o'clock in the morning so like nobody was out there there the street was clear so i don't understand why it was happening yeah as you the president of the self-appointed hoa you not only have a lot of speed bumps but like there's stop signs you have one place that could have maybe one more but like no one speed it you can't fucking speed down it like there's

no like oh you turn a quick corner and like you're speeding down like no no there's stop signs and fucking no they weren't in the middle of the street they weren't in like a driveway they weren't in an alley they were literally just parked so again i don't understand what they were doing well i hate them for you zero sense but if i was more awake you know i would have got the license plate and figured it out oh she would have taken a picture when i tell so i asked melissa the other day which i didn't even get around to doing it yesterday because i I had to get my fucking L-A-W-whatever-D. L-A-D-W-P.

There you go. HOA is coming hot. The fucking login info from my bill. And I was like too lazy to do that. But I texted Melissa yesterday and I said, what's the thing you do to tell the city you've got a large trash pickup? And then she said, download the MyLA301 app.

And I said, oh my God, you're such a fucking HOA. And then I tapped you through it. No, yeah. And then you're like, and then this, and then you're doing the fucking little arrow signs. like you're giving me like it genius bar fucking instruction on how to do this and like i didn't even know this app existed i don't think a lot of people do due to the things that i see happening in the streets but i clean it up so no she does here's the thing you don't need to redirect the

lapd budget to the diamond of los angeles diamond pop you know what you you could be polishing that can be what you do you're not policing you're polishing yes wait i'm sorry that's like actually genius and it's about you know making the the community a safer place and safer means stop signs and speed bumps yes and also making sure people aren't illegally dumping making sure the streets are and when i say streets are clean i don't mean like the way the police talk about like no it doesn't mean a people clean it up from the people the gang members i mean like literally people think that you can just leave a sofa on the side of the road and the city will pick it up no you have to let them know that it's there because they have to have a special truck that picks it up

you have to download the my la 311 app and they will pick it up like you're going to be going door to door not only will you be helping people get registered to vote you're going to be like do you know about this app like they can do this this and this i think like you polishing the city incredibly well and you could funnel government funds state funds for us to get our food truck oh yes yes i i see this for you okay i actually genuinely do not see state or city or county politics for you i could see it like maybe in like 10 years or something like down the road like you've got your selena meyer like you have your whole like you've got your like you've got all that stuff but i don't i don't see you working as many hours on making on you i mean i see you

living off of the fruits of your labor and then doing this because this is a lot of mental energy i um when i was in high school i used to say i was going to become the mayor of springdale then no for the gag of it or because you wanted to commit change for the gag of it yeah like i thought it looked cool anyways anyways i guess we'll tell you about the show oh yeah that yeah so this is an advice podcast and you're like what the fuck yeah okay we like to talk we've got great personalities we've been awarded um a michelin star for great taste get it so we give wonderful amazing life-changing advice and we're qualified to do so because we said we are and we have been ordained we've also been knighted without a doubt she is and we have been the gift has been bestowed

upon us by fairy godmothers who came into the night and they gave us these gifts which we then share with the rest of the world so if you want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com and tell us what's happening in your life tell us the predicament you have three minutes or less we do ask that you write everything down that you're going to say ahead of time and then practice time it out a couple times make sure it's under three minutes so if it's way under and you've cut out some crucial information we do want you to let us know your ages and everyone who's involved their ages you can let us know your pronouns if you

would like it's all anonymous you can use pseudonyms but if it's like oh and our history is like we've got just so much shit like i can't even get into all of that if you have time we need at least like two to three examples like we like to hear that it helps us we have the best information and the most accurate information and ample relevant information we can give you the best advice and sometimes if you don't give us that then we're gonna have to like infer on our own you can always let us know if you are sensitive we will keep that in mind and you should be over have your parents permission yeah but we're gonna take a break now and we're back and you know what time it is rolling the tapes playing the calls

Hey, Eminem. I'm 29 and I live with my best friend, Grace, also 29. And my question will be about a mutual friend, Samantha, 30, all she, her. In 2020, I reconnected with Grace and through circumstances lining up, I decided to move across the country to room with her. It was risky, but so far it's been one of the best decisions I've ever made. When I moved here, Grace had already lived here several years and she introduced me to her pandemic pot of friends. Some of them I'd heard about before through stories, not always great, like her friend Samantha, a friendship that has had highs and lows. At the time, they had been very close, but I understood Samantha to be catty and judgmental, prickly on the outside and soft

on the inside. At meeting her, I brushed off the rude vibes because I knew it came from a place of insecurity. She considers Grace a very close friend. Over the past few years, we've done girls nights, the three of us, and we've had fun together. Over the last year, Grace has been extremely busy, both professionally and with family stuff. And I've watched how Samantha will be passive aggressive about Grace not having time for her. And then when we do hang out, she'll say ugly things offhandedly, like talking about other people's appearance or backhanded comments about Grace or I or Grace's boyfriend or letting her white privilege show. Lots of little things that have been building up and it came to a head at Samantha's birthday gathering

two weeks ago. The vibe was off and there were several instances where Samantha was just flat out rude. I think Samantha can feel Grace pulling away because she's been putting more emphasis on her friendship with me. Like at her birthday party, she gave me a long goodbye and talked about how she wanted us to be closer and I'm not just Grace's friend. Grace is very done. At this point, she doesn't even feel the need to have it out with Samantha as our daily lives don't intersect at all. I'm not sure how to go about this situation. I want to 100% support Grace. I also feel like it's not my place or responsibility to speak on Grace's behalf to Samantha. Samantha has generally been a good friend to me, but I know if we did not have a

mutual connection, I would not have become friends with her in the first place. If I hang out with her one-on-one. I know Grace will come up in conversation and I don't even want to go there. I feel like we're in this natural phasing out limbo of adult friendship, but it's made especially awkward by the fact that we have been a friend trio for the past few years with Grace being the connector. Samantha has reached out to hang out with the three of us and I'm not really sure how to go about this. Any advice would be welcome because right now I kind of feel like a mean girl because of the two to one ratio. Grace and I are both Aquarius and Samantha is Pisces.

And I have a little bit more time than I thought, but y'all rocked and thank you so much for the pod. Wow, that was two minutes and 59 seconds. Absolutely beautiful, stunning. I want to say, I think it's incredible that you're like self-aware that like, you know, you recognize that this has been a trio friendship and you're the two against one dynamic

and feeling like you don't want to feel like you're being a mean girl. And from what you've stated, I don't see that. Like, I think this is like, there are a lot of pitfalls of trio friendships and we have like spoken ad nauseum at like, they're not good.

Like they're like, it's up there with like, you know, don't live with friends and hey, you succeeded in living with friends. So therefore there is no way in hell you are also going to be able to succeed in having a trio friendship. That's just lightning doesn't strike the same place twice.

and i i don't think that this is falling as someone who's been burned by being the odd one out of like a trio this is not like reminiscent of that to like me at all this is like you said this is like a natural phasing out point of a friendship and that happens in groups of twos that happens in groups of fives that happens in groups it happens to be happening in a group of three and the only thing I think that would make you a mean girl in this is if you didn't let the natural progression of the friendship ending take place and you kind of led with a little bit of like pity to her and feeling like an obligation not because you really care about her and not because like you really want to be her friend and like you don't want this friendship to phase out

and it doesn't feel like a natural thing for you but because you feel bad and you feel like that if you don't do that you would be mean that would be mean because it wouldn't be truthful and it wouldn't be honest and it's just like not like fair so i think like honestly it sucks that you're like i don't want to be like the mouthpiece for grace in this situation and like grace doesn't really have any desire to formally conclude her relationship with samantha so i think like no offense to grace like as like a ghoster i'm very much like grace but i know that that can put other people into like a really fucking shitty position and so I am cognizant of that in those kinds of moments so I would honestly like what are you how are you comfortable with this friendship ending

like are you more comfortable with like having a conversation because I think having a conversation it does need to be separate I don't think it can be that is when you get in two-on-one and that's like oh hey we don't want to hang out anymore but i think if grace isn't going to say anything and she's going to ghost if ghosting and like kind of like phasing out bread crumbing out is like not really your like if that's what you're cool with like go for it or if you're more of a straightforward person and just you know respond on that same chain i wouldn't start a separate chain because that does invite to talk about grace on there i would just say like i appreciate that i just think like you know our lives are kind of like at or maybe you should send it actually send it separately

our lives are just kind of like you know I'm like pretty bit like maybe make up a lot I'm kind of I'm pretty busy like and focusing on these kinds of like things but like don't really have the time and energy I don't know it depends on what you would want as a friend because like I don't want that which is why I just ghost because I would prefer to be ghosted yeah I have a trio friendship and it's hard to navigate, but I like both of them. You didn't like Samantha to begin with. That's what makes it difficult is that you were kind of friends with her

just because she was there, and you made allowances for her behavior because of your feelings towards not trying to be a mean girl. And I'm not saying like it's not nice to think about other people's feelings, it is, but sometimes you got to think about your own feelings and if you're not you're not you've never felt this girl it's been more of a pity friendship or a friendship out of circumstances

because she was friends with your friend that you moved in in with after moving across the country and she was in your same quarantine pod unfortunately like samantha's feelings are going to get hurt regardless but again think about you does it feel i'm not saying that you're being fake but like you're kind of putting on putting on you're getting close to being incredibly close to being fake but you're not quite there yet and a friendship shouldn't have this much effort and this much allowances for someone that you would have never been friends with outside of these circumstances yeah you're you're tiptoeing around her feelings and considering her feelings in a way that like she's never had with anyone else like you're giving her a lot more than she's ever

allowance and she's ever allowed any anyone else here's the thing i agree with everything melissa said you're getting into fake territory so you either have the option to dip out opt out don't be fake or be fake for a little bit and then this is my toxic advice and this is mostly this like the people pleaser like advice or the i need to make a circumstance where this is like okay for me. So it's not healthy, but hang out with her one-on-one once, you know, she's going to talk about grace and be like, you know what? I'm really not comfortable. I can't move forward with a friendship like this. This is just uncomfortable. And then you have your built-in kind of reasoning there. So sometimes I do think that like giving someone a quote unquote one last

chance when you already know that your mind has made up that you've made your mind up, but like your conscience or there's some like voice in your head that is like i don't think i'm going to like i don't think i'm going to commit to a clean break if i don't confirm my suspicions if it's not like okay have i been thinking about you have i doing this have i not like how what is this what is my feelings about this like let me just let me have a second taste let me like make sure i'm confirmed that like i don't like this and then it's like oh okay i don't and i wouldn't if you're already so fucking set in those boundaries and those feelings and you're going to commit to it and you're not going to be wishy-washy then i think like commit to it don't be wishy-washy but

if you need a little bit more ammo and a little bit like if you need the momentum to cut it off and to actually cut off this friendship and not drag it on or kind of like placate the niceties and do all of that stuff which is more harmful then i would hang out one time and let let it happen how you know it's going to happen and then use that as your clean break there but I think it's even fake as fuck how you're even saying that like she then at the end of the party was like oh you know you're not just her friend you're my friend too and like you couldn't you're the way you're saying it's pretty clear that you felt that she was kind of laying it on a little thick and it's specifically because she's feeling jealous and people who have not maybe not treated

us personally well but we can kind of look from a bird's eye view that they're maybe not the nicest people or they've done a lot of things that we would not we wouldn't personally do and we would not we wouldn't stay quiet if it was our own friend we would call them out and you also wouldn't be someone who says those things considering their feelings so much is a kind thing to do but that also doesn't make them a better person and like sometimes it can be like well you know what sure they're mean but like i want to be the bigger person a lot of the time being the bigger person is just about your own ego and saying that you got to be the bigger person it doesn't it doesn't always help the other person it doesn't like inspire by like leading and showing them what

they should do like some people are petty and some people are shitty and like you need to be able to live with your own choices and your own moral and your your morals and your own conscience and it's not about leading by example or about feeling like patting yourself on the back like you did a good job and now they're going to treat people differently because look at how you treated them like that's not really how it works like you just have to just like choose what's what's the outcome and the steps that you can take that are going to make you be able to sleep at night and like if someone brought this up you would be like you know what I have no regrets about this situation and like I'm I'm content with how I handled it yeah I had another trio that's kind

of similar to what you described where my friend was friends with somebody else and then I really liked my friend we were all new friends but I really liked one girl and the other girl was just there. And I was annoyed by her from the beginning, from the very beginning. And this just kind of continued for years and to the point where I just kind of got so annoyed that I got angry with her for no reason. And it wasn't a good feeling. And I advise you not to get to that point where you know that being with her is painful for you, but you're also, like I suggested before. I was being, I was faking it. I was faking being her friend. Eventually I just started pulling away because she was coming on very abrasive during a time in my life where I

was going through something traumatic and she, I was just like, leave me alone. And then I was ignore her. And then she eventually, I got, I guess she got the hint because she hadn't followed me on Instagram, but then popped up again a few months ago with a creepy voice memo. But anyway, but yeah but you don't I don't want you to get to that point where you're just faking the funk because you you feel like you have to yeah you're misleading the other person and then it's kind of just like well this is who I am and like this whole time like you're now on your moral high ground or you're now like saying that you don't like but this whole time of being fake like that's it's a disservice to both of you because like that's who they are and that's who they've been

and they haven't been lying about that. They've been pretty clear about that. And then you have disliked it the whole time and stayed quiet to both your detriment. Like that's not fun for either of you and no one benefits from that in the long run or the short term. All right, well, next call.

Hi, Megan and Melissa. I, 29, she, her, have a friend, 27, she, her. We met in law school and we were there to support one another through some tough times post-grad. We're both moms and she is actually one of my very few mom friends. We never hung out outside of school, but talk on the phone a lot when she moved to a different state.

Recently, we got into a conversation where I mentioned a classmate's wife on Instagram being transphobic regarding the Hershey's chocolate campaign, where Hershey's put a trans woman and activist on their chocolate for Women's Day. The story the wife posted was essentially saying that they have lost her business and she will only be buying from, quote, unquote, non-woke candy brands. I said that I found that aggressive and kind of weird to put on social media because you're basically telling everyone you know that you are, in fact, a bigot and transphobic. My friend paused and said that if she's being honest, she agreed that she didn't want that kind of stuff shoved down her throat. She is Muslim, and upon us meeting, I thought she was very liberal and progressive from the way she spoke and talked about things. Recently, she has even said that she wants to send her child to a private school that does not allow same-sex parents because she doesn't want to have to explain that sin to her child. I told her there's nothing to explain.

Some people have two moms. Some people have two dads. Some people only have one parent. Some are raised by grandparents. There's no blueprint for a family. I tried to reason with her and told her that there are so many people who are closeted who end up dying by suicide and can consider whether she would rather have an alive child who loves who they love or no child at all.

She said she's fine if other people are gay, but that homosexuality is a test from God, and if her child fails that test, then she fails that test. This floored me because as a mother, I could not imagine not loving my son for who he is sexually attracted to or ever being okay with the thought of him dying by suicide because he didn't feel I would love him. My question is how do I navigate this friendship? Do I keep trying to educate her or get her to see a different point of view? I don't want to lose her as a friend and she never talked like this before having a child herself but if her harmful views can't change then I don't feel like I can in good conscience keep her as a friend. But is it bigoted or

close-minded of me to not consider what her religion and religious texts say? Does that make me islamophobic i would love to hear your perspective and anyone else's also i am a and i can be sensitive but i do appreciate honesty thank you both love the podcast bye being homophobic is not a prerequisite to be a part of any religion like it's it's truly it's truly not and there are religious texts in lots of different things like i will i've shit on mormonism publicly a whole fucking bunch of times um and there are mormons who aren't homophobic and their their their texts specifically there's not a lot of acceptance of people taking the mormon faith up to interpretation like that's why you'll find a lot of like ex-mormons

specifically talking because there's not a lot of room but that also doesn't mean that there's not any room in general. There's people who still align with Mormonism who say that they're totally fine with homosexuality. They're okay with it. Their church doesn't and they're not going to find a church that does. But like Christianity, there are some people who use Christianity as a shield to be homophobic. And then there are churches who are run by people who are in the LGBTQIA community. Like there are different, you can have any sort of personal beliefs in any kind of religion you're in. And there will be people who are to the extreme and the most bigoted belief in every religion and will use that in every religion. So I think it's

great that you're being aware that some people's religious text says other things and there's cultural things about everything that we're not a part of specifically that I think it's important to i mean this is not nowhere near as so related to it but like i personally as like a white woman like i'm not going to pierce my child or my baby's ears but i understand that that's a cultural thing and there's some communities where like that's a thing that's totally done i'm not going to judge that and i'm not going to be like no that's not okay but i also acknowledge that that wasn't my upbringing or what i was surrounded with so for me there's a different meaning behind it homophobia there's not a different like there's not a different meaning like homophobia is that that's

the belief system that's the meaning like that's what's there and transphobia since that yes yes talks about too and i think that people do change after having kids it can be sometimes why people who have claimed that who were you know spanked as a kid that they're never that that was like never going to do that they have a kid and they start to maybe relate more to they think they relate more to their parents and so then they can end up doing things that they previously have either never talked about never thought about or anything that like it does happen like and it can have the that's the same effect of like you're changing but way differently where you're posed with the same parenting situations that the older people in your life are posed with

and you're making completely different decisions and you're like reckoning with that and how adults in your life had failed you and how you will never fail your child and that's the change that you're having and it's the opposite change that your friend is having so that's that's truly like what this is and i don't think that it was ever probably brought up because she was super open and like wasn't homophobic and wasn't transphobic i think like you know how like some people like i'm gonna live in the city but when i have kids like i'm gonna get a bob and i'm gonna move to the suburbs like you know she this wasn't something that affected her life but if you probably sat her down and asked her like are you going to send your kids to a private school where

there's no same-sex couples which i guess i'm i'm still a little bit confused how that's even legal even if it is a private school you know discrimination acts like those still apply to private institutions and so like there's loopholes still there but like find other things but yeah they can't outright say it but to me the fact that she outright said it this is not a new belief like there's no kind of like talking around it excusing like recognizing the school itself can't outright say it but the parents can she said it so blatantly and she didn't try and disguise it as anything it wasn't like she didn't come at this from like a turf turf perspective like these or beliefs that she's clearly had and I'm not faulting you caller at all for this like at all

at all but you felt comfortable bringing this up to her because you did not fucking think that this was going to be her response but she also felt comfortable saying this to you knowing everything that you had just said this is a deal breaker friendship thing like and to me I'm like she heard what you said she heard about how disgusting you think this is like she knows like your stance and your views and all of this and there's she wasn't trying to preserve the friendship here or kind of like tiptoe around the subject or anything like that like you talked about this person who you're like i think less of this person for doing this like they're a bad person and she said hi i'm a bad person too like you don't have to like then be like okay well then how do i like

self like how do i navigate this friendship moving forward like she did that like she to me she chose where this friendship goes and that was ending and that's all there is to it like there's nowhere to me like there's nowhere to move on from that like her viewpoint and people's viewpoints like this make me irate and I'm not a mom and so like you saying that specifically about your son like if this was him like I can't even imagine how much more angry you are because this is you you're taking care and like you grew you're taking care of this like you know tiny human who's growing up and you're envisioning what their life is going to be like and to then know a mom know that they're also raising a tiny human and you see your kid and you're like I'm

gonna support you and love you forever and there's no part of me that could ever like would never want you to feel like you shouldn't be in this world anymore your friend is not saying that about their kid and so like there's like a deep instinct there for you that she's not a safe person for you nor is she a safe person for your kid and the educating part to me again I think if she tiptoed around this there would show that maybe she was a little bit embarrassed about her beliefs and I think if you're a little bit embarrassed about your beliefs you tend there's a little bit of a voice that voice might get squashed that voice might get amplified but there's a little voice there that tells you that this is either societally wrong or like morally you might know

that it's wrong i'm just gonna say i don't think she's open to being educated but i personally when someone says something like really fucking out of pocket and it's not someone that i have this is something that is like really really like deal breaker like really bad i will just ask someone like are you open to being like educated and changing i not are you i say are you open to changing your mind on this. Most of the time, like a lot of people will be like, no, I'm pretty set in my beliefs. And I'm like, okay, like it's not worth my energy. But then there are some people who are like, I think I know what I know, but like, if you have something else that I don't know, and then I send links and then I like step back, but wasting your mental energy, especially

as a mom and feeling the responsibility of like knowing that she's a mom and knowing that her child is growing up in this environment, I just don't think is good for your mental health. and i don't think you'll get anywhere yeah i had a friend who was my best friend in high school very best friend and in college too we i mean we weren't as close but we were still very good friends and i mean i was in arkansas a lot of people were republicans but not like trump republicans until you know there's a lot of romney republicans yeah yeah and so but then when trump She was also pregnant. And I don't know which came first, the love of Trump or the baby. But she changed a lot. Like the things that would come out of her mouth were very different than the more open mindedness that she had when we were younger. And I thought that I could educate her and lead by example. And it became so taxing on me and so taxing on our friendship that I was just tired and angry. And I grew to just not like her anymore.

And so I just kind of we lived in completely separate states. So I just started to slowly, you know, slow ghost her. She didn't get the hint. And she just thought, you know, like we can still be friends despite our differences. And I was like, no. And I had a conversation about it. And she she just she was set in her ways and I was set in mine. And, you know, to her, her thoughts were her thoughts and they were right.

And to me, my thoughts are my thoughts. And as y'all know, I'm never wrong. So it just it was just too exhausting to the point where I couldn't do it anymore. At some point, you know, I was just like, I can't. I told her that I couldn't be friends with her anymore because, you know, I I did enjoy her. And of course, all those memories I had, I guess she would be the closest thing. like y'all know, I moved around a lot and I didn't really have any childhood friends, but this was probably like my oldest friend at that point and that I still talk to. And it was heartbreaking for me, but like I could not emotionally handle it. And it just got to the to the point where I just realized we did not have the same values and I couldn't do it anymore. And even, you know, when everything happened with George Floyd, she texted me just like, hey, I'm just checking to see if you're okay blah blah and she basically like was like in so many words saying I know that you're one of the good ones and and I was just like no like this is this is completely done so

I just had to block her and hopefully it won't get to that point for you maybe she can be educated but I just want you to know that it's exhausting and tiring and some people just they're not going to see it your way and she also might be the type of person that thinks that she can change you oh i've had friends who've dated people like that where they were like oh i thought i could so i was gonna ask you so like your catalyst of you know trying to educate so did that come from did she give you any indication that like she would have changed her mind on it or was it the long-standing friendship that felt like after all of these years like there feels like not like it's like totally out of left field but it feels like an extreme pivot and so the other you must be in

there somewhere you know I loved her maybe this is just something she's going through but it wasn't but and that's only but that that that feeling comes there from the time of a friendship there and like the love that comes from that and like that's like where I think like people who spend the time educating people it's either because they've made it a clear indicator that they're uninformed and that like they want to learn more or that like it's been a great relationship up until that point and then like you're doing it out of love not always not usually for the other person but also like usually for yourself because you don't want to give up on people who you've loved throughout your life so that yeah that makes sense yeah caller this is a more recent friend

for you and so i don't think there's like an obligate like a self obligation there like out of loved and out of like I don't want to say respect to your friendship but out of like I like really love you and I've loved our memories I loved our friendship and I want to I don't want you to end up like this after all of this time so I really am going to put this effort in which is more for you than it is for them or if she's very willing to be educated in the sense that like she's uninformed and like to me people who want to be educated about this these sort of things are people whose opinions have been influenced by other factors and they're having a transitional period in their life so college you grew up in an

incredibly conservative home or you went to a very religious and conservative college and you're moving out into a new city and you're actively seeking friend groups of people who aren't like you to me that's an indicator of like this is someone who has a belief system that what they were born into but they're clearly the actions that they're taking in their lives aren't maybe necessarily matching the words or what they have registered to politically so that to me is someone who's seeking out on their own education whether it's in the of it might just be in the form of by proxy and people that you meet and learning about other people's lives and just befriending other people. That's where I'm like, yeah, educate for sure. Without a doubt, we're starting to form

our own opinions. But someone who has made a pivot after having a kid and becoming more aligned with extremist beliefs that maybe they grew up with, you also don't know what else that the education part stops at your own when you're sacrificing your own mental health. And I think there's even a farther limit when you have a kid here, because I don't know if your kids are hanging out or they're like becoming friends, but that's not someone I would feel comfortable with my kid around. Sadly, I wouldn't feel comfortable with my kid around their kid if their kid is being fed this bigoted beliefs. It's just not okay to me. And like, I can't protect my kid when I'm not there and I think then if you become cagey with not letting your child over there that's not some

that doesn't for her I don't think she wants to be educated from someone like that because that fix it feels like she's being judged and she is and she should she is but like also religion isn't an excuse for homophobia or transphobia I have plenty of Muslim friends that are neither so yeah that's a choice that she's making. Yeah. Well, thank you for calling. And now we're going to take another break we're back and now we're going to get into an update um i was a caller from the recent episode, Pressured to Make Decisions, who found out after my ex and I broke up that he had gone on a date with somebody and lied to her about a really traumatic event that happened to me while we were together. And I was trying to figure out how to handle finding out

about this, both in terms of like cutting off contact with my ex or not. And then also in interacting with the friends that my ex and I had in common and our community. So a couple of things from the update that, um, from the episode that you guys had commented on. So the person who I found out about this from was actually one of the victims of the accident. And my ex had lied about knowing them. That was one of the lies that he had told. And so when they contacted me, and by the way, I got in touch with them since the episode aired to make sure that they're okay with me talking about this because this was obviously like way more impactful in their life than in mine and a really big deal for them. And they were livid. And I actually found out that they

had never liked my ex, which like kind of made sense. One detail, additional gross detail is that my ex had misgendered them after meeting them. And I had kind of like told him like a couple times and he was like, Oh yeah, sorry. But like kind of never got it together. I ended up after calling y'all that same day before everything blew up and went further, I went ahead and blocked his number. I just kind of had a feeling and I ended up being really, really glad that I did. Before I blocked his number, I sent him a text that was like, Hey, I found out you were talking about this event that happened on a date. Don't do that. And then I like thought about it for a couple of minutes or like hours. And then I just blocked his number. Later that

day my friend who was the one who told me that this had happened actually put me in touch with the girl that my ex had been on the date with and she and I have since become friends like really sweet friends we have so much in common we're the same sun sign we actually look alike which is creepy on my ex's part it is we have like tons of stuff in common that she's actually coming over to my house this Wednesday to like do crafts with me and so she just handled the situation so beautifully she and I were like exchanging voice memos on Instagram for like hours that night and after finding out a lot from me about like our relationship and our breakup she ended up calling my ex and not only calling him out for lying to her but calling him out in

this really amazing beautiful way for like some of the ways in which he had treated me and it was super affirming for me because she something she said to him were things that like I would wish that like someone would say to him but I could never ask that of our mutual friends like about the ways in which I had supported him and he hadn't been appreciative of me the way in which he had dumped me and also just like the fact that like I think in my original call I said that he was like fearing intimacy and a burst of commitment but he like kind of wasn't totally acknowledging those things all he said to me was like I need to not date for a while I need to not be with anyone for a while but then when he had met up with her I found out later he was not putting himself out

there as like hey I'm looking for casual sex he had kind of made it sound like he was like ready and open for like a serious relationship and she had actually left their first date thinking like oh I think I might have found someone that I can really be with which is especially scary for me because that's exactly how my first date with him went um and so he was just basically like doing his same thing again yeah so she called him and she called him out and he freaked the f out and he tried to call me but by then I had his number blocked and then he proceeded to call pretty much every one of our mutual friends and tell them all basically like try to take control the narrative and essentially what he said was like oh you know i did something but what i did

wasn't really that bad and now it's getting blown out of proportion her reaction to this like horrible thing that i did like that's the real issue here like that's that vibe where it's like i did something but it's not what i did it's the reaction to what i did yeah it gave me like this realization about people calling other people dramatic then now i think a little bell is going go off in my head that i'm like wait wait when you say dramatic what were they upset about right what do you mean by that yeah like and how did you react yeah what caused this where did this start because the idea that like the woman that you went out with realizes that you're like a lying sack of shit and then calls you and freaks out on you and you're like how could she call and freak

out on me for these things that i've done like that is so bad well she wouldn't have done that if she didn't have the cause of that okay but continue sorry yeah no it's like oh like she freaked out she was yelling at me um which like actually I actually think that girl she was so calm when I talked to her but I was definitely freaking out and it's like okay this girl's freaking out well what happened and I feel like sometimes people will be like kind of make it sound like oh I wasn't doing anything and then you ask and then they're like oh well I did like you know kill her cat or like throw her phone off a building or like I did some like really so like he's calling our friends he's freaking out I had a friend of ours a mutual friend of

his and mine call me afterwards and kind of be like yeah he and I haven't been in touch for months and then he kind of called me out of nowhere made it sound like he wanted to know what was going on in my life but he really just wanted to talk about this and he kept freaking out about the fact that he couldn't get in touch with you meaning me because I had blocked his number and I guess kept being like oh like I just want to talk I just want to talk meanwhile that night I was freaked out but I had like you know done my face routine gone to bed early taken my trousers down laying in bed and I'm so grateful to myself that I had the self-care premonition to block his number so I didn't have to try to go to bed knowing that I had missed his call or

whatever and then with most of our mutual friends I actually was like I don't need you to stop being friends with him if you want to be there for him as he grows and you're willing to call him out and acknowledge that what he did was wrong it's like a transformative rather than a retributive justice kind of moment but I was like I do have some boundaries like I don't want you talking about me with him. I don't really want to hear about what he's doing. And I never want to be physically in the same space, energetically in the same space, really in community in any way. That's a hard boundary. So if that's going to feel hard for you, let me know. And I'm going to disengage. Most people handle that pretty well, except we had this one friend in common who I will call

Molly. And she kind of had this weird reaction where she was like, oh, like, hey, love, like, I love you with all of my heart. I'm out already. Yeah, totally. When I was talking to that text, I honestly makes my stomach turn, but she sent me this text. It was like, hey, I love you with all of my heart,

but I can't be in the middle of what's going on with you and Sam right now. Sam was the name I used last time, so I'll just use it again. I can't be in the middle of what's going on between the two of you. I just need a set of boundary. And I was like, okay, I'm an adult.

I'm doing a new community atmosphere. So I'm going to be curious about your boundaries. I was like, what's the boundary specifically? Do you not want to hear about the things he did? Do you not want me to talk about him ever? I was just in a relationship with this person for two and a half years. And I'm probably going to be processing that in the general sense of my life. So like, that might be kind of hard for me. And she responded and was like, I just don't want to be in a situation where I have no choice but to take sides. And I was like, that's weird. Because we have these other friends in common, who when I talked to them about what my ex had done,

they didn't react that way at all and some of them I know are still in contact with him to some extent I've actually received like some words from a lot of them since then and a lot of them have pulled back and either aren't close with them anymore or just aren't friends at all with him anymore which makes sense and is a green flag but like none of them were like oh I feel like you're making me take sides because I was really explicitly not doing that so I was like kind of confused with this girl why she felt that way and so I texted her again and I was like hey you know what I get how this could be triggering for you because she saw a lot of her relationship as it was ending and there were some dynamics of like anxious and avoidant and him being mean to me

and I know that she has a recent trauma history with like abuse and relationships and so I was like you know what that kind of thing I have a lot of interest in how trauma affects people's attitudes and like victim mentality and all that abuse psychology stuff. And so I was like, I totally understand how this could be triggering for you. So what I said to her was like, you know what? I think I'm going to take a step back from this relationship because, or I think I just said, I'm going to take a step back, but I totally understand. I'm like, my door is open if you ever want to talk about this again. And she texts me and she's like, oh, I'm hearing that as that you're taking a step back from yours and my relationship. Is that really what you mean?

I was kind of thinking we could stay friends and just never talk about your ex. And I was like, okay, I think this is too much for text. And so I just texted her back and I said, hey, you know what? I think we should talk about this in person or maybe over the phone, but I think I've reached my limit with this. And that woman never texted me ever again until ever. It was, I think, three weeks ago now. And I don't expect I'll ever hear from her again. About a week later, I was hanging out with another friend of mine who my ex had stayed with because he was leaving my city after we broke up but he had to stay here for about two weeks because he was like quitting his job but he went to stay with another friend of ours um and this

other friend i'll call her sarah she um she like let him stay on her couch and he was just staying there for two weeks and sarah and i are really close and we've become closer since my ex left he was close with her but i think that she was really put off by like everything that happened and also she and i like we're in the same career we just have a lot in common she's awesome she's become one of my closer friends Sarah and I were climbing at the gym and she was like hey because I had kind of brought up my other friend that wasn't cool with me anymore that had never texted me back and I was like yeah like I'm still kind of feeling conflicted like was I too hard on her should I reach out whatever and Sarah's like hey dude like I don't know if you want to hear this

but I feel like I should tell you and I was like okay yeah tell me so she goes after the first week that your ex was staying with me he was supposed to go stay at her house and he went over there but then he came back like right away and needed to stay with me again for the second week and when i asked him about it he said that there had been some quote lonely energy between them i knew it yep me too and i was like fucking of course and i literally texted my other friend i was like hey dude please remind me to never mistrust my own intuition ever again because my intuition is true North. It is really good. I had a feeling. And the one thing I will say that's good is I'm pretty sure they didn't actually hook up because ironically, my ex actually has had trauma in his

own life where two times after a breakup of his, his ex has hooked up with one of his really good friends. And his last ex before me actually married his former best friend like a few months ago and it was something that came up in our breakup that he was like ever since I found out that happened I've just been feeling really like worthless and like I like people's lives get better when I leave them which is really sad because it's totally a self-fulfilling prophecy and that's part of the reason I blocked him like half the reason was I didn't want to hear from him but the other half is I was like dude if you reach out to me I'm gonna hurt you because I am better off without you yeah like it's just he's incredibly I'm like I've it is one of those

things that it's like that is it is incredibly self-aware and it's just like oh you are your own demise because like you're not being good in relationships so obviously every everyone you date their life is gonna get better after you break up because you're not a good partner so that just kind of ends up how it does i will say anytime someone says like i just don't want to have to pick sides there's a high likelihood they're saying next i'm not gonna pick your side like that's like what a lot of that is it also seems like she might be hedging for them to maybe hook if they didn't hook up before she's hoping that's gonna happen in the future she seemed like the instigator of that yeah yeah and he was like and he was like i don't want to do this so that's why

he left and stayed with your other friend yeah definitely and it's like I'm like glad that they didn't hook up just I think because that would have been like grosser and weirder for me to have to think about but it's also like dude I can never be friends with this girl ever again right like there's actually a better chance that me and my ex could someday have a conversation about what happened like I've had breakups where the circumstances were absolutely heinous like I literally had a restraining order against one of my exes once and then after he got sober we actually were able to like be friends again and we're not like close but like I'm like if that person was able to text me and be like hey I just got engaged I'm so excited and

I was able to text him back and be like I'm so proud of you dude like that's so awesome good for you I don't think I'm the problem I know and you seem like you've got a great picker when it comes to friends because like even when you were saying you were like you know I'm okay if they don't cut them off because like both Melissa and I were like if any of my friends like fucking didn't cut them off but like you think highly of your friends and that for you that was also a self-fulfilling prophecy because like most of them like you said but kind of like in this time period have already distanced themselves like you trust your friends to be like you know if they want to babysit they want to play teacher to him like they can if that's something that they want

And then the only person you met that you were met with, like, pushback from that statement, you're not friends with anymore. And then, like, a good chunk of the other friends, like, are like, yeah, I've taken my distance from him because rightfully so, everyone should be incredibly put off from it. Because, like, even if it's not, like, factually, like, it's like a really, really fucked up thing, but, like, that he did. But also there's, like, this air of it, too, that scares me. Like if I was just friends with the person, like it's not just like a kind of like inappropriate, gross boundary in like relationships and like romantic things that that it means it doesn't apply to my life as a friend. But like even if it was just a friend who did that and I knew someone who had had done that and said that, I'm a little freaked out. Like that's just something that would never cross my mind to do. And I've been in lots of different mental states, but like that's never crossed my mind as something that I would ever say or do.

And then it becomes like, oh, you are far more unpredictable than I know. And that is like not a quality that I like in people that I'm close to. It's like someone who's unpredictable because that's scary. Yeah. And I think like the worst part to me is like, so my ex, most of his closest friends actually are women. And I really think those relationships in themselves are fine. Like I was around those women a lot when we were dating. They were really mostly accepting towards me with one exception but the exception isn't someone I think has a sexual interest in him because she's actually like totally gay but I do think that he and that friend kind of enable each other's bad behavior ironically both of them date women too so it's like they're kind of both weird

to women but one of them is a woman and she kind of like would blame me when we had conflict in our relationship but it's just like weird for me and so basically like he has a couple of close friends that were close friends with him before we started dating that in in a couple cases I really like them and we had really good relationships outside of my relationship with him like one of them is an artist who I literally commissioned to draw a tattoo that I have on my body like I love her but I just don't feel comfortable because I feel like he is a really charismatic person which also for me now charisma red flag I like an opera man you're too smooth I'm like uh no no I've seen enough movies I know this is totally and like we met during the

an endemic so I didn't totally realize that about him but like with those women I basically just like one of them he was actually staying with in another state after he left the city where I live and I ended up reaching out to her she was actually the one that I was most excited to stay close to but I ended up reaching out to her and just being like you know what dude more things have arisen and I just like can't be in community with you right now and I really grieved that relationship I really miss her it was a big decision with her in particular but with all of his friends on Instagram, I ended up letting them continue to follow me, but muting my story for all of them. Because one of the things that happened was at one point when I was freaking

out the day that I found out and called you guys, I posted an Instagram story that was like, Hey, I need advice handling predatory behavior in a community space. Can anyone reach out to me about this? Super big, didn't mention him, didn't even mention that it was about dating at all, but somebody, and I don't know who, and it wasn't the girl that I'm not friends with anymore because she doesn't have social media somebody either showed him that story or told him about it and he told one of our mutual friends that i was canceling him in our city shut the fuck up what by the way mom definitely has social media she just has a burner account but i would know if she followed me because mine is super locked down so like i'm pretty sure it wasn't her which

makes it worse because i'm like dude whoever did that that is fucking snake behavior yeah and that's somebody that you still kind of trust right because you don't know who it is you don't know yeah so there's no you don't have any other red flag friendships yeah it sounds like enabling like there's something like like you said with his other one of his other friends where it's like oh they kind of just like enable each other like when there are people and like specifically men who are toxic or kind of like shitty in relationships or just like aren't like good people or whatever it is like i think there's different shades of like enabling there's like there's a sibling enabling there's like the big like the big sibling little sibling where it's

like oh like you know like don't mind them like they're just they're that's like my little I'm overprotective of my little brother or it's like oh that's my big brother like he can't do anything wrong it's just a silly goofy big brother or it's like motherly where it's just like oh my god he is so fragile and like he's been through so much like can't you cut him a little bit of slack like there's this weird thing that like I find like as like women like a lot of us can do where it's like there's like a man here that it's like you've deemed as one of the good men so if another woman is like that's not one of the good ones you're like no no no I have decided that this is one of the good ones so don't pull into question my whole thing because I feel like

I've picked one of the good ones to be in my circle and like look how healthy our friendships is it all of that shit but it's like no like I've had friends who like I've had like guy friends who date women who have like treated them like badly and I'm like that was awful of you like go fucking apologize or I'm gonna apologize to them for you and be like I'm so sorry he's a dick like I called him out on it like he's being a fucking asshole but like if you can't do that and like reconcile with that like even like her just like not responding to you to me yeah it sounds like he's he's used to having a lot of enabling behavior because then to immediately call like oh I'm you're canceling me through the grapevine I've heard from an Instagram story that doesn't

mention me I'm like oh that is big victim mentality and then other people who also see him as the victim you know like it's other people are like oh he is being persecuted like oh Paul little baby oh you need help okay and you're like no he's not a child yeah I mean it's it's sad to me too because I'm like a lot of these women that are friends with him actually their own lives are progressing like a lot of these women are in healthy relationships or have a baby or have been gotten married and I'm like dude aren't you worried about your friend who like in the five or seven years since you've known him you now have these things you've gone to grad school you've had a baby and your friend has two now two ex-girlfriends in a row where he had a two and a

half year relationship and then just bailed on them and he initiated a breakup and neither of those women will talk to him and one of them married his ex-best friend like after all that like aren't you working overtime to make him the victim and it's sad because like whoever showed him the story actually didn't do him any favors because then he freaked out more than he needed to thinking that he was being persecuted in a way that he's not I actually was asked because I live I'm really embedded in this community here where I live and I'm realizing that my ex was actually like the weakest link in my community and this whole incident has helped me really reevaluate how to be a great community member how to hold people accountable when to cut off relationships

and when to rebuild them and like I've had opportunities actually one of the guys that I'm dating asked me like is this person safe because I know someone at his new job and if he's not safe I can tell them and I was like no he's not dangerous in that way this is exactly what I am and I'm not worried that he would do it I don't think he'll cause problems in that setting but like I could have said anything to that guy you know I had the power to like get after him and like take revenge and I didn't do it because that's not transformative justice it's really sad because he him lying on that date even really showed right he didn't trust that he himself was good enough and his own experiences were good enough to connect with this woman

so he felt the need to embellish and tell told a really stupid lie that he got caught in and it's like man it's really sad how much you don't like you and it's really sad how much you realize that you're really unlikable yeah did he say what he was that you were canceling him for like was there any sort of like indication that like because to me that happened after you had reached out to him it was like hey this is what you said on this date and like this is like unacceptable like I'm you know the ceasing communication here like to me I'm like he sees that he through the grapevine hears about that like that Instagram story and I'm like so there is some acknowledgement from you on your end sir but like this was a cancelable offense like that's

what i'm a little bit like okay huh or like how these people use cancel as like a way to make excuses for their bad behavior and they they make it seem like they're the victim in the situation and they use cancel in that way instead of like how cancel was initially supposed to be and again nobody gets canceled there it doesn't exist so like the city that i live in isn't huge and i do a really specific like outdoor sport here that he was also kind of in the community doing with me and it's not really that big of community like i've already discovered that in myself starting to date again um but so yeah like in the climbing community here it's pretty small and you know i climb it there's not a ton of gyms and that's pretty normal most cities have like a limited

a number of gyms. And I know a lot of people who climb at my gym, and he does too. And he will be in this city a little bit in and out, maybe for one of his jobs, I don't really know. But like, I think he got freaked out. And in a way, he's really right to because that's actually one of the things that I love about being in small community is that like, there is some accountability. And I think about that of like my behavior at the gym, my behavior on dates with people that are in my community people are going to hear about that but the thing about like accountability is like I'm comfortable with that accountability because I want to be in a space where if I mess up someone's going to notice and say something like that's how I am safe that's how my community

members are safe you know what I mean and so I think that his freak out was around the fact that like I texted the friend of ours that he was staying with in the other state that he went to to cut off communication and when I said I sent that text to her I wasn't really specific but I basically said I found out that Sam did something predatory and I'm needing to cut off communication and not be in community with him anymore and that's all I said so he probably saw that text which actually again like his friend showing him that text kind of harmful to him I sent it to her to communicate with her and it's like dude like be careful about the way you gossip with your friends even if it's about them like think about what you're doing and like sharing that

information in that way and so I think he thought that I was like spreading the news all over this small community that he has been in and he didn't want people to find out what he had done and it's like well yeah I know you don't want people to find that out because you know that it's wrong and me telling people about this thing that you did in an objective way it's not me being dramatic it's not me canceling you but yes it is going to make people think less of you yeah and I don't think he's used to when people think less of him them distancing themselves it's just like oh now we will fix you because you are a victim and it's like oh what do you mean that i made myself the victim in this situation and now i i'm not allowed to be the victim now and now suddenly like this

isn't getting me like the sympathy and the love and the adoration and like the compassion and the care that i wanted it to and like i don't like that he's getting it from molly yeah oh that's true full time around the clock how did your friend number one i forgot what name you gave them but um how did they find out about his line this was the craziest thing and actually it felt like there were some aspects of like witchy femme community power going on with this whole situation but so basically the girl that he took out on the date and lied to is actually friends with them like tight friends for a long time. And the reason that the topic came up on the date was because she had a sticker on her water bottle when she was hanging out with him that referenced that event

and was like a tribute to the person who had died. And so then he was like, Oh dude, like I know about that. I knew that person who died and I knew this other person who was involved in the accident. That was like the lie that he told. And so then after the date, of course, which is so stupid, right the girl who was on the date reaches out to her friend who was a victim of the accident and it's like hey I met this person who met you oh my god and he's so cool and then that person was like hold the fucking phone and they texted me I was in class and my first reaction bless my dumb little heart I was like oh I don't really think he's dating right now oh I don't really think he would say something like that yeah well now you know wow that's that is so wildly bold that person lives in

another city because that accident happened in another city. That accident happened in a city a few hours away from here that I've moved here from. And so it was just like a crazy coincidence that those people had a connection because the person who went on the date actually has never lived in that other city. She's just friends with some people from there, including, and there's some really strong like themes running through this also of like, some of these people in this story know each other through like leftist community organizing and like advocacy with like housing and BLM and advocating for people who are unsheltered and so like to me too I think that really brought home the lesson for me of like how my existing community and my personal life

cannot be divorced from my views as a leftist my beliefs about the world and my desire to create strong community as a leftist and so like that transformative justice that sense of like we're all in it together that if i don't have people in my personal circle who also feel and behave that way my personal life isn't gonna work yeah yeah that i'm i can't believe that he would be like so bold to yeah and i mean i think it was especially unlucky right that the person he lied about knowing definitely don't like him but it's like unlucky for him but he deserved it you know because he's a liar and so it's unlucky for him but like you came out ahead of this because you know who your actual friends are you gained a new friend and you know you know that you will have no contact

with him in the future but yeah i'm actually i think i need a little more megan energy of like you know i know he has he's a person who likes my ex's person likes to downplay what happened and i bet that he i bet that he's out there telling people that it was like kind of mutual or something and like downplaying that i'm pissed at him and then there's people in his life that are just believing that and so then one day they'll go and look and all of a sudden they don't call me anymore and maybe that'll be a little bit of a hint that their friend's not as trustworthy as they think yeah or he's completely being the victim in it and painting you in a bad light as well and again like I've had friends who have done that like I've literally had

friends who like they like really downplayed it they made themselves the victim and like even then I was like babe let's be so honest with ourselves right now like I you and I both know that that is not what happened like in there oh did you talk to so-and-so and I'm like no but like I know you and like I love you and like why are you why are you telling me this story this fable about this person who does not exist like that is not you like that is not what happened like let's talk this through or they will say something that i'm like you're not you're being you're being really cruel you're not being like yourself stop owning this like this makes you the victim like you fucked up like let's own our actions let's do all this but like at this point like he had

other relationships he said like two years something and then he just is like boom i'm out like these people who have been around pre-u have seen him in all different shades they've seen him in all different lights they've seen him in all different like life scenarios and situations and stuff and like if they're choosing to like not if they're not seeing it it's a choice you know what i mean like it's like you have not gotten the is it the wool what's that saying the wool pulling over your head yeah your eyes or whatever like that's your life isn't just happening to you like at this point like you're choosing to be like i'm gonna like ignore this thing there and like if that that's our prerogative like they can totally do that but that doesn't absolve them from

many like responsibility or culpability in enabling his behavior. He's one of those people who's like, there's always a crisis. You know what I mean? And I really noticed that when we were together. It was hard because like, it was hard because like actually some really horrific things happened to him while we were together, like actually bad life stuff. Like he lost a parent, like really serious. But then it seemed like what I saw and it was so hard because it's like, how do you tell someone how to deal with a really significant grief in their life, a really significant life change? But at the time that that was all happening, I was accomplishing some really big stuff in my own life, like things that many people will never

accomplish. And I feel really fortunate for that. But I kind of realized eventually, I was like, oh, like 100% of the resilience in our relationship is coming from me. Like, I am the problem solver, I'm the one who stays calm. And you just like, a wind blows too hard, and you're suddenly in pieces like he finds a way to hide that quality in himself he just like has really strong like attractive straight white man who's like outdoorsy and self-sufficient like energy but it's actually just like a thin candy coated shell of avoidance over like I was gonna say just like an abscess like he's just got nothing he's just really toxic inside the good thing is like this person that i my ex like he was like so difficult to date he was just so difficult he

was such a difficult partner and it was like he was a crash intensive course in like everything you could possibly learn about intimacy and dating even in our breakup oh god right i do have like a last question to ask you before we wrap up and it has nothing to do with anything that we just talked about but it's just like what was the last book that you read oh I know you're very busy in your um yeah but I think that the last one that I read that really stuck with me is this book called Bark Skins by Annie Pruel who's an author I've liked for a really long time and it's a fictional book and it spans basically like history of in America and the U.S. from like the 1600s until like the 1900s and talks a lot it has like it's like a fictional book and so it has like a

storyline that is following this family for generations but it also has a ton of themes of like settler colonialism land use forestry indigenous experiences as america as a nation has developed and i absolutely loved it i i could tell it was gonna be some good shit i just knew it I just I love her and I think everyone else will too I just felt like that she had some cool insight on the world so I wanted to know what she was reading and she was if she if she wrote down if you're listening and if you want to just like share because you said you read a ton of books during your break if you want to share those i would love i would love to check it out also the book that she described i was like is this

how i'm gonna learn u.s history because like through the lens of fiction without a doubt i can i can understand that a little bit more and then she's like yeah and it goes through all this timeline i was like you can see it in megan's eyes when when uh the caller is talking about the book you kind of go oh no and especially again it's like the timeline from this this i go not only am i going to understand history but in sequence that is this is the avengers this is the this is this is what i needed this is amazing so yeah we hope you enjoyed you can see the if you've just listened the video reactions uh of our faces are pretty pretty prime well speaking of live streams if you want to join our patreon we do live streams two times a month

and they're pretty fun it's just it's very chill you don't have to like get dressed up some people lie down and sleep during it some people are cooking i'm always cooking like we're just hanging out and chatting and learning things about the world that everybody isn't but like when i say learning things about the world not like in a like a boring type way it's just everybody's sharing things about their lives and everybody's from all around the world so it's great it's amazing it's fun we have a great time and we had we've had I will say we've had like consistently at least one new person for like the last like probably like two months or something like that and we did have a someone said they're like this is like I was like did

we describe this well and they're like this is like exactly like the vibe like I like really like just like hopped in like felt very comfortable talking like this is just really chill and fun and i was like oh glad to know that we've been selling it um yeah like it was sunset oh that took me a second i can't stand those real estate shows because they're all houses are fucking ugly and it's just fake but i'm fine with it fake if the houses were nice looking but like they look like cold mausoleums isn't that where you keep dead people okay all right we'll see you tomorrow and we have a very interesting conversation

I don't even fucking remember what it's about bye bye