Don't Blame Me! - Obsessive Ex Has My Nudes

Episode Date: June 12, 2023

This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Navigating FOMO as a chronically ill homebody Asking ex boyfriend to delete our sex tapes Boundaries when going to a strip club How to pick yourself up after the world gives you a FU Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello and welcome to another episode of don't blame me starring us two people who you cannot blame for anything because we said so i like how you took the intro for but am i wrong and switched it and reversed it i have i told moths like the fun fact about that i was like yeah so it's just like those words like backwards and he was like what i feel like that's something he should have known it really is and i should never be teaching him about anything involving 90s or early 2000s hip-hop rap r&b at all so but i have been teaching him and educating him um a lot about things important to me in the early 2000s and late 90s which is the theme of what we're going to be talking about

on this week's episode of but am i wrong so listen later on thursday hey but what is this show well melissa because that's your name my name is megan everybody hello i'm on a lot of cold medicine this show is a show where we have been bestowed the gift of giving amazing advice and we have decided to share that that that wealth with the world so we answer your calls and listen to your voice messages that you send us about the predicaments and problems you are having in your life and we do our best to solve them and sometimes we do sometimes we don't but we will always do our very best we hope to entertain we hope to enlighten and we hope to have a good time that's a very good description megan thank you i recently had um professional advice giver

meredith goldstein on a couple podcasts and she was talking she said something that really resonated with me and i thought we could take it into our into this show she said that she keeps in mind when people are writing in for advice that she is giving advice to that person and not everybody reading it and oh yeah which is something we do but i just think for the listeners you know to be open to that because sometimes people get mad at us for the advice that we give but we're not giving the advice to them we're giving it to the person that called in yeah that's why we also do try and relate to like being like well i wouldn't do that this is what i would do but what i would tell you to do is is this so yeah that's a very good point she said that she

reminds her viewers and now she has a podcast of that very thing insightful i like that popping that in my pocket i have no pockets in these pants that i've been wearing for three days straight hey so if people want to participate how do they do that they can give us a dial they can give us a ring-a-ling. I almost said hotline bling, but I'm not associating myself. Ring-a-ding-ding. Ring-a-ding-ding. You can ring our bell at 310-694-0976. And international listeners, you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com. And for both, you have a three-minute limit. So the best way to utilize that time is to write down everything that you want to say, practice a few times, reading it out loud with like a timer, making sure you're under three

minutes you have to include your age you can include your pronouns you would like it's all anonymous so if you want to give other people like pseudonyms that kind of make sense for this um we always appreciate that you don't have to get creative with it you can we do say if you could try and get creative with it don't use names of like oh you and your partner and it's like they're siblings in like the reference that you're doing like oh this is unless it's like is it james and cersei no it's not james it's not that is it fucking there's no one named james on game of thrones whatever whatever her brother fucker was like that his name and so you know if the people in the story are that's what i'm saying if you're brother fuckers then yes but

use a brother fucker name but if not please don't use a brother fucker name because i'm going to think that this subtext there is that you're a brother fucker and then i'm like am i supposed to be picking up on a brother fucking energy so you have to be also 18 or over have your parents permission but then when it's time to record after you've timed it down you've gotten all perfect just read it out loud when you time it out and as melissa likes to remind us the timer only starts after the beep so you don't have to do three minutes from the time that you dial and it starts ringing it's from the beep you have three minutes to give us as much relevant information as possible and sometimes people can feel like we know the backstory or like i don't want to get into all

of this or you think that one thing speaks volumes but you've had like a history of all these other things before and you kind of just throw that in there if you're going to like reference a history like you have to give us like at least a couple little snippets of what that is we can have a better and clearer picture and then always let us know if you're sensitive we do keep that into account um to try and give you the best advice possible we're not trying to ruin your life by any means no unless you deserve it yeah but usually if they're we're trying to ruin their lives and they deserve it like we're not gonna answer the call we're just going to like send the call to relevant parties

this only happened once it happened once the authorities were notified they were notified and that's and that's it and that's all that's it like that's we don't know that's all we know yeah no we did our part for being unwit like unwilling participants in the information that were given it disgusting jail hopefully the result was was literally jail yes yeah so we haven't heard from them so that is a good sign yeah we didn't hear from the authorities or the guilty party so wow we're like that what's that fucking um that true crime documentary where the guy confessed to a crime on while he was on a hot mic the jinx yeah the jinx yeah that's what we had except imagine calling into a podcast to confess a crime and then being like you girlies

get me and we're like these girlies do not get you these girls don't get you at all and these girlies are forwarding this call to the authorities with your zip code and your phone number yeah after we have looked you up um anyway yeah don't try us don't fuck with us like we're cunts but like we're not monsters no not by any means no anyway call one here we come ready ready hi megan and melissa i use she her pronouns i'm almost 26 and i'm calling to get advice on navigating fomo as a chronically ill home body i'm currently in grad school and have a small group of friends that i spend most of my free time with i'm really open about my conditions and symptoms to everyone in my life and have no problem setting boundaries about what I can and

cannot do. My friends are really cognizant and supportive of my needs, especially when it comes to how and when we hang out together. However, I found myself pushing my own boundaries, especially when it comes to going to parties. Even before I got sick, I was never a big partier, but enjoyed going to bars and the occasional frat party every once in a while in college. Now, I prefer to do low-key hangouts with smaller groups of people, both because of my health and also just because I want to be able to actually talk to the people I'm with. Usually it's like a game night at this house, weekly trivia at our favorite bar, cooking and eating dinner together, that kind of thing. My friends still invite me to parties so that I feel included, but they never pressure me to go

or just stay longer than I feel comfortable doing. However, I've come to the conclusion that parties are just not for me anymore. It was fun when I was younger and could drink, but now I just end up getting overstimulated and feeling really awkward and uncomfortable. And it almost always triggers a symptom flare and just knocks me out for the next couple of days. Despite knowing this about myself, I decided to go to my friend's house party tonight. Of course, I immediately regretted it and ended up leaving after an hour. I feel like I keep doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different outcome. And every time I just end up frustrated and disappointed in myself for trying to do something that I know just doesn't work for me and my body.

I think part of it is that I romanticize the memories I have of the time in my life when I did used to go out and wish that I could still do that. This weird cognitive dissonance where I'm getting so much about the idea of doing these things, even though I realistically know I will not enjoy them in the moment. I guess I'm just asking for advice on how to be more accepting and respectful of my limitations and boundaries when it comes to being social. I know this is a really big question that doesn't have an easy answer, but I really appreciate the advice you guys have.

i love and appreciate you both so much thank you in advance for your help you called two wonderful people for this i think this is hard but i i i don't know how much else i have to say other than like right now what it seems like that you've been doing is feeling like this is a season in your life that you've been pushing yourself because you have been romanticizing this and you kind of like want to have these different outcomes but you've repeatedly had negative outcomes and so it's I think it's just kind of a numbers game and collecting the data so you've collected the data from that end of it and so now if you treat it as opposed to like a choice and like being like this is good for my mental health like you know this is what I want like this is

like a choice you have to be super super solid in and it's like a permanent thing but instead being like oh I'm collecting data on the other end like I'm going to not go out and I'm going to then see how I feel after words and of like the FOMO like did I feel a lot of FOMO going out and then I would write it down like write down how you felt not going and then being like okay the next day also also not just when they're at the party but like do you does that FOMO last for like the next day or is it the next day you're realizing like oh I'm not completely wiped out and I'm not like flaring symptom wise from something related to that so like I was able to do this that day So kind of looking at it for like the event, the cause, like the result and the outcome of that over the course of like a week and being able to like look back on that to see, oh, I have not enjoyed going out those times.

and it can be hard if you've been in the habit of kind of like oh I'm gonna opt in I'm gonna opt in I'm gonna opt in to then remember that like oh that FOMO that I felt like it's actually not that bad because I've been doing it in a sense to make it like a test to like see how you feel as opposed to like a choice you have to be totally set for and solid for at all times because I I'm very much someone who like plays things by ear and there are things that like I have no desire to go to because I know I won't have a good time and then there are other things which I'm like I know that I'm not gonna feel good like this is going to be rough but like I really want to participate in something like that but I would never be able to choose to participate in something like that if I

fucking burn myself out and wipe myself out for a bunch of other things that I don't really care about but I'm just like trying to be a person that I might not have ever been but like this romanticized idea of who I want to be and who I thought I was at a different time yeah and just for anybody that's new or doesn't know like I have a lung condition and Megan also has a long COVID so for me like there's a clear distinction before COVID me and after COVID me and before COVID me I would go out all the time I would make out with random people hook up with random people all the time and then as we started hearing about covid i just kind of i felt like i was just kind of shrinking in on myself because after i had i already knew what like could happen and then after

i had a serious conversation with my doctor about it it was like do not get covid because it's going to be bad and you know that's something i've been prepared for luckily it hasn't happened to me but like i'm still very cautious when i go out i'm no longer just hooking up with random people not even going out to like for example this past weekend gabe had their birthday party and they were like having a bunch of people over before going out to party at um like in the clubs and stuff on thursday night and the clerk they did go to the clubs they went to the club you have to tell me off my what fucking clubs well it's also gabe's birthday is on june 1st the first day of pride and so i was about to be like this is a fucking commitment yes but gabe loves going out

and partying no i know but i'm saying like oh for me it would be yeah but the thing is is like like like the caller's friend my friends know my limitations and gabe was like i know that you probably don't want to come out to this and I was like yes you're correct these they said this to both me and Allison and they were like well I'm gonna do a brunch for just us like us and a couple other people that don't want to like go out and stuff and so that's what happened like would I have liked to go out and party yes but like that's just something that I know that I can't do anymore And so, yeah, I do have FOMO that I can't hang out and party the way that I used to. I can't like just walk around a crowded area without a mask on.

I just have to be cautious anytime I have to ask people like who's if there's an event or something, who's going to be there? I can make sure it's people that like they know have taken the precautions. Like there's just a lot of steps that I have to take before I consciously go out. But the thing is, like the caller's friends, like my friends know. And so like if it's something they're like, hey, we're doing this, these like this, these are things that are happening. I know you probably won't don't want to go, but here's something else that we can do together. So I never really feel left out in like the big picture, but there's just things that I know I can't do anymore. And so it's just like making myself comfortable with me and being happy with what I have now and being happy for the health that I do have, you know, knowing that if I do push myself, then it could have detrimental consequences to that. Yeah. Like knowing that there are things that are completely out of our control when it comes to like our health. But there are things within our control at this point. And like that's something to like look on that as a benefit and something that is like not to be like it can be a headache and it can feel frustrating. And like, I totally understand that. But I don't think that the crux of this, I don't think is the FOMO. I think that I don't know what your chronic illness is or if it's something that has been exacerbated by COVID or by your health, by other like health factors or if it's like a recent diagnosis that you're learning more about or if it's something that is has come on later or if your mental health has been affecting this. but to me this is a chronic illness related call because it's mourning like you're mourning

you're mourning not who you were you're mourning who you thought that at some point you had the choice to be that person and like right now you're saying that like oh yeah like I've always really been a homebody I've never really been like that into parties and like not really really into that stuff but like now suddenly I'm wanting to be like that because it feels like that before that was a choice and now it's not and so it's like oh well now I want to be like like that like it doesn't it feels like it's taken away from you like a possibility and I so relate to that like that has been a very very hard thing for me to deal with too and you are I don't want to like diminish this by being like oh you're so lucky you have like great friends who are supporting you in that

because it doesn't matter like that's still really hard but I think sitting with like yourself and like looking at your life and maybe I don't want to say like not factoring in chronic illness into this but like there are there are fundamental things that your life changes when you're sick and then there are also just ways that you are that align with that so you haven't really liked partying and that is aligned at this point with your chronic illness which is kind of wiping you out and getting flares from doing this kind of stuff that you didn't even really enjoy doing and you might not have ever enjoyed doing that but maybe down the line things change and you will enjoy doing that and you want to do that so like the the the being comfortable in our like

current circumstance in our situation doesn't mean that you have to give up the idea that that could change like your desire to do something could change and your circumstance could change but right now all you know is the past and the present and the past you didn't enjoy doing these things present you don't enjoy doing these things if you suddenly want to do these things you'll have that feeling and that desire that's not going to suddenly kick in the second that you're there to kind of prove yourself wrong like you'll build up to those kinds of things you'll you know go out to things that like you're really enjoying and planning things and so I think like padding your life too with planning the more things that you do with your friends and the game nights and all

that kind of stuff like do you feel like you're lacking in friendships like do you feel like you're lacking in friendships with people who are in a similar boat to you like i would be going fucking insane if i didn't have melissa in this because like none of my friends most of none of them i have one other i have one friend who they have to be really cognizant of health stuff regardless and or and like and like lily someone too like lily has like her back stuff like there's things that like we understand with that but like if i didn't have friends like that and i was like the one friend who was like oh opting out can't do this opting out it's even though I don't want to do those things like it is nice that like I can text Melissa and like just vent about some

shit or whatever so it might no matter how supportive your friends are and they're great and they're doing everything right and like I wish I wish everybody had like a support system like that but I also wouldn't discredit having people who are also in your same boat just to kind of like not temperature check but kind of like for you to relate to and understand that like oh this isn't like a me like a me thing like this like people who just are understanding your your side more because no matter how accommodating other people are it can feel like you're a lot it can feel like it's like oh i'm the only one going through like it can just be nice to have people who are going through similar things to kind of vent to or to feel like they're also opting out of something

like that so maybe try to if you don't have friends close to you find a community online of people that are you know doing similar things as you and maybe you know when your friends are out doing stuff that community could be doing something online or find any any it might not necessarily be other people with chronic illnesses but people that just don't like going outside school like it can be anyone who's opting out for any reason and like i don't know how you guys how like you are telling your friends like, oh, we're not I'm not going to do this. But like I know for me, like when it comes to like going out and like drinking, like when I would go to weddings and stuff and I'm like, oh, I'm not drinking. As soon as someone else heard that, like I'm opting out

of an activity, they're like, oh, I'm going to I'm going to opt out and do that, too. So even if it's in within your friend group, I don't know how you guys are communicating this stuff between you, but, you know, not feeling like everyone's going out and you're like left at home, like there can be alternative activities and like things to do whether like Melissa said like online or in person with friends who are like you know like I'm not really in the mood to go to that thing like oh do you want to come over and do this like if it's on a group chat being like I'm not gonna do I'm like not gonna be able to go to that party there but like if anyone is trying to have like a low-key like night staying in like I'll be home if anyone wants to like hang out or something

like that and don't feel pressure and tell them like don't feel pressured like yeah but if you don't want to go i'm here yeah also you know another one is uh which i used to do and my friend jennica talked about doing this when she was in college so she was a teen mom and she would have at her apartment she would host pre-games for her friends before they would go out to the bars but she just wouldn't go out and leave because she had a kid and so it would be like oh like we'll all hang out here kids in bed but i'm obviously going to stay here so like she would still be able she would still be participating in the activities of that night but in her home and in that way and like i'm i don't know if there's a way for you to make that where you

feel like comfortable or safe doing that but feeling like you're still participating in the night just for a specific part of the night yeah like a dinner pre-game all right well we're gonna take a break and we're back from our break yay let's get into the next call hi megan and melissa i use she her pronouns and i'm 23 i broke up with my boyfriend of a year and a half a few weeks ago for context we ended things pretty peacefully there wasn't a huge fight or cheating involved but it did surprise him and he had a really hard time with it. He always said I was the love of his life he was deeply in love with me to be honest almost to the extent of obsession which was part of the

reason of the breakup. I was basically the solution to all of his problems and it was too much after a while and no matter how much I backed him he never went to therapy and I couldn't deal with it anymore. My issue is we have a lot of sex tapes of the two of us and he has nudes and videos of me. The thought of him watching those makes me really uncomfortable. When we were together he sometimes put those on just to hear my voice because he missed me not even to jerk off which kind of sounds like bullshit but if you know him you know it's very possible and it's nice but a little bit obsessive i don't know so i'm pretty sure that he watches them sometimes when he's sad or angry so the question is how do i ask him to delete those would it be even cruel of me i'm not afraid

of revenge porn at all this is not about that it's really just that it makes me uncomfortable we're meeting up to give each other's stuff back which I initiated I think next week maybe I'm not sure if I should bring it up then or if it'd be easier to do over text is it even okay of me to ask that I'm a little sensitive so go easy on me if you think I'm unreasonable but I'm curious about your opinion I still have some time so I want you to know I really love your podcast and thank you for your advice in advance you're not being unreasonable at all in any way no your body is your property regard like like forever like in perpetuity like you have ownership over your body you have ownership over photos and videos of your body uh the only people at this

point who do not have ownership over that are models from photographers which i also don't agree with like i'm vehemently against that but no you legal like you have ownership over this like these photos that no that's it is the the right thing to do is anytime you end a relationship you or even while you're in a relationship if your partner asks but even if your partner does not ask after you end a relationship you should be deleting every every photo everything and from your deleted messages too um because some people forget that it goes to your deleted and stays there until you actually delete it it's not wrong of you to ask i think i would do it in text message to have it in writing so then there's no denying it but then when you meet in person

asked for either like reminding them or asked for confirmation because yeah like especially since he watches them just to hear your voice and was obsessive over you and won't go to therapy like this just doesn't it's not his to have anymore like he no longer has your consent to view these things and so yeah like he should 100% delete them get rid of them forget they existed yeah I think you're giving him like a really kind benefit of the doubt um he reminds me of my ex just from this kind of like you are put on this pedestal that like you can never achieve but then also it's impossible to critique your like to try and help your partner because like it's like oh you are this you are the answer and you are the solution to everything and it's like

oh my god no like and then you can't have problems and it's it's really hard so i would ask in person i wouldn't ask over text just because and i think you can you don't have to agree with me you can agree with melissa like do whatever feels right to you but there are so many apps that are ways that you can hide photos in apps that don't look like photo apps and unless you know what every single one of them looks like i think it kind of gives him an opportunity to like transfer them to his computer to kind of like hide them in that sense and that's because i'm assuming the worst of him but i also think that like these are personal images of you that like you clearly have and rightfully like from the tone of your voice like you really don't like that he has these

and you don't really entirely trust what he's saying and like even if he's just listening them to hear your voice like no that's also not okay with me like that no because there's nudity involved and even if there wasn't nudity it's not something you're comfortable with so i would in person just be like oh and could i see your phone so i can delete any of those videos and photos we have like i really don't feel comfortable with that and then i would follow it up i don't know what how he's gonna say something like that but yeah i would go through and delete and you don't do it with him like him right there and just be like okay i'm just gonna go to this and like he can watch you to make sure you're not looking through anything nefarious there

and then deleting them from the deleted folder and i would make sure that like there are ways that you can like protect certain images that like those ones aren't in there and that there's no apps and i would do some research before about some of those apps that allow you to keep messages some of them look like cameras like some of them look like um utilities things that are like a screwdriver and like something like or it's a ruler like there are lots of different ones but they have specific names and then i would follow up in a text message of being like oh i just wanted to like double check that that you had deleted the messages the and be really specific in the wording because i do think you should have it in writing as well uh that you've also

deleted them from the iCloud and empty them if they attach to your computer as well but that's how i would probably do it i agree i was thinking i don't know why in my head i was thinking it was on some other device that wouldn't be his phone like the videos and so that's why i said what i said but now now that you are saying that most likely is on his phone um so yeah i agree and if it's on his phone i think there's a high likelihood it's also on his laptops and his computers but without a doubt there's at least something on the phone and that's the easiest place it is to hide things and so i would say that make sure like don't not follow it up with a text message that's really explicit about what the videos and photos are that you're asking him

to delete and confirming that they've been deleted on any home devices as well because I do think that having it in writing is important I wouldn't downplay it to him at all like I wouldn't it's not a negotiation it's just like I'm not comfortable with this like you don't have to offer more explanation than that but it's just like you know like we're not together anymore like we've broken up I'm not comfortable with that and you saying that you're not concerned about revenge porn the fact that you're not even sure if you can ask for this back to me is like I can't imagine that that he has built you up to make you think that he it seems like that you you think that he has some ownership over these and thinking that you can't even like ask for these back is so not true

like you can, you can ask for anything back, even if you're legally not a lot, like, even if it's not in your favor legally, like you can always ask, but if he jumps to this, like, oh, like you think I'm going to like revenge porn. Like, I don't think you need to pad this with like ahead of time of like, oh, I don't think if he brings up revenge porn, you're like, no, I'm not saying that, but I would not bring that up first. I would just be as straightforward and as unemotional with it as possible. It's just like, yeah, you have these photos of me. Like, it's just kind of it's very cut and dry like we're no longer together you have these photos and videos of me like I am not comfortable with that like could you delete them because he does not he seems like

a very emotional person and has put a lot of this kind of stuff on you and I we when we when we have someone who romanticizes us like there's people talk about like the fine line between like a fan and a hater like someone who like absolutely fucking hates you like that line is like really it's a very very very thin line so i would just know that that someone who is obsessive with you obsessive is not a positive trait and it can go even more negative than it already has so going about this in the in the least accusatory way without giving him verbally all of this benefit of of the doubt because i just don't think i think he's emotionally manipulative i don't think you need to give him all of this explanation and reasoning because it's just it's just factual it's

just it's super simple i know it might feel like you want to do this in a really private place but i would pick a place in public that is relatively private to to do this i think anytime you're exchanging things or asking someone to do something who might get upset or emotional or something like that obviously not on like a crowded bus where all these people can see what's on the phone but enough that there's kind of a a level of accountability when you're at a park and you're not near a bunch of other people but a target parking lot exactly all right next call hi Megan and Melissa I am a 19 year old female I'm in a very hetero relationship with a 20 year old male so um I guess I just had a question so basically I'm

very close with like my boyfriend's parents and everyone in his life including his boss they are like friends they work on a construction crew not to give too much away I'm very close with his boss's wife and yeah so my question is regarding like I guess boundaries um when going to Vegas so my boyfriend's boss and his parents want to take him Vegas for his 21st birthday I'm honestly all for it I think everyone needs to experience Vegas once whether that's positive or negative I've already been um with my own family and stuff so yeah I guess I'm just really calling regarding to like the strip club factor of Vegas because yeah I mean it's your 21st birthday so his boss is like very much into that kind of stuff I guess like he has like a whole live-in partner

and everything they've been together for like 11 years they taught me and he just like doesn't really give a shit essentially and that works for them and that's great but I have like very explicit boundaries with stuff like that. If we're not there together, you're not going at all kind of thing. And we've discussed this, but I can't help but feel like his boss will put him in that kind of situation or try to get him into that situation. And that maybe he doesn't really know our boundaries like that. And I don't think his parents really know the boundaries that I have with that. So yeah, I guess I'm just calling to say, ask for advice in this situation. I've told them already like absolutely not but I don't know how to make it like more clear like my boundaries

more clear if that makes sense so that's all um I love podcasts we are both Capricorns I'm an early Capricorn he's a late Capricorn they're both very reasonable people but yeah I don't have the money to go on the Vegas trip either so that is out of the question um I'm saving so he does he's a big boy worth full-time job I am going back to school so yeah that is my call thank you guys so much have a good day bye oh my god I my heart goes out to you this is just not good like I there's nothing good about this you saying that like his boss like doesn't really give a shit about his eight-year relationship live-in partner and it works for them I don't know how much it works for them like not giving a shit about someone who's like very different than like being both

of them being cool attending like strip clubs and stuff I think already it's inappropriate for his boss to be doing something like this for him because there is some sort of obligation in participating in things he might not be able to feel comfortable participating in because he feels like it will reflect on his work relationship and like you I already think that like workplace friendships are can be really dicey because you can end up doing things that don't align with you or making wrong calls and like your personal life should not affect your professional life like this like what he chooses to do on his 21st birthday and so to have two kind of outside pressures there which like parents as well and i'm assuming they're funding all of this so

there's a little less say you get in it from there like i'm just straightforward with you like there's truly i don't think there's anything more that you can do and i think there's a very high likelihood that even if he does not want to that he's going to be in a position at 21 years old where he's feeling obligated to do these things and no matter how serious relationship or how much he cares about you i don't think it's indicative of him valuing one thing over the other but like peer pressure is a fucking hell of a goddamn drug especially before your brain is fully developed and you're going to be inebriated like there's this just is not going to end up i don't even i'm not even saying that i think that he's going to take advantage of this and do things

that are going to intentionally hurt you like i don't think he's going to have a good time either like i think this is a bad spot for him to be in i just want to say that like to start off before i go like strip clubs there's as long as like women are doing it because they want to do it oh yeah there's nothing wrong with it like there it's it's a job just like any other job get your money get your bag like get your money i like personally have no problems with partners going to a strip club i enjoy i have enjoyed going to a strip club a time or two in my life i think the thing that jumped out to me, though, is you didn't say if he wanted to go or not. Like if this is if he wants to go, then that's his choice. And even if that's your boundaries, that might it. It's not like

something that is like he's not specifically doing something to you. It's still something that you don't want, like you don't want him to go, but it's still his choice. And so like if this is something that he's interested in and he wants to go and just like you said everybody should experience something twice him going to vegas isn't going to stop him from going another day after the shift wherever y'all live like if he wants to go to a strip club he's going to go to a strip club and so like if this is something that he wants to do and he enjoys to do and this is something that is a no-go for you then that might mean that down the road this is not something that y'all are compatible with so like yeah you might not like it but maybe he does like it and so

at the end of the day it's his choice but i do not think that you should be partying with your boss or your dad in any type of way like this like that is weird to me that is strange and like somebody you work with should not be doing this but again like men do things like this like this is from some men like going to the strip club after work to get a drink and watch some entertainment and you know grab a steak that they sometimes have like that's just how they unwind after work so yeah if it's something he wants to do he's gonna do it yeah and you're right in the sense that like your boundary can be i don't want to be with someone who's doing this the boundary can't be i don't want him to do this so like the only thing you can control with your boundary

is how you will react to that if this is a deal breaker for you then you need to make that clear to him of being like i'm really not comfortable with that if that's something that you want to do let's have this discussion because that's i need to know that because then figuring out if that is something that is a deal breaker for you but is the deal breaker him going to a strip club or is the deal breaker him lying about going to a strip club and saying he didn't go to a strip club Like, so because I just I'm telling you, I think even if he does not want to go, I think he's going to go. I don't think that this trip is set up in a way that is truly actually for him this because I think if it was for him, they would be like, oh, we're going to cover the money to have you and your girlfriend go to Vegas and we'll come for a night. we'll take him out drinking because like even though you're under 21 like there's still certain things that you could go to like a nice show there you go to like a nice dinner like it could be

something like that but like right now this feels like a this is your corrupting weekend like we're gonna take you here we're gonna party into all that stuff and because of the power dynamics of parents and boss even if he does not want to you just need to understand that like he can tell you he does not want to do this but there is a chance it's still going to happen because it's not an environment that's conducive to him being comfortable turning those things down or it could also be like this is something that he really wants to do and he's just not telling you because he knows it's not something that you like yeah but i but i also think that like this needs to be if this is a deal breaker for you i don't want to sound like extreme but like

I think it needs to be a deal breaker not resting on on him exerting all of this agency and power in a situation where I'm telling he doesn't have a lot and it puts him in a really bad spot so if you're if it's like set up in a way that it's like I don't want you to do this and he's like I don't want to do this then if you kind of just sitting at home waiting for him to get home for to find out if he did or did not if this is a deal breaker for you I think it needs to be a deal breaker before he goes on the trip I don't think it needs to be like waiting to see how he did because again he could not want to do it at all and it's probably still going to happen it's just not an environment where he can really call the shots and it might seem like it is because

it's for him but it's really not for him it's for the other people to kind of do for him so they can participate in all of this and I just think that like you can have these boundaries and I think they're very fair and valid boundaries for you to have but it's it's impossible to have other people's behavior be your boundary and have them have to adhere to that like it's just fundamental if they're for this if they're against this if they are if they aren't but I think personally the best thing to do if this is not a hard boundary for you that you're like well i'm not going to break up with him then it's honesty then it's like it's not like he's going to come home and you're going to be really upset with him it's like i just need you to be honest about this like

if you're going to go i would like you to text me and like let me know if something happens i want you to let me know and so there's no lying involved there but i think you're not in a position that you're comfortable when in but i also really don't think he's in a position he can be totally comfortable he can be all for it and he can also not be and then it's just on you to believe him or not and i just think that that's a really a hard spot i would also unpack why this is a deal breaker for you like do you think he's going to cheat on you like do you think like what are what are the certain things that are are there and then what do those things mean you know what i mean because like people doing their job and being nice to him yeah yeah most

not going to be doing anything sexual with unless like they are high rollers yeah how much money is he telling some i mean construction does have a lot of money yeah but like personally i'm totally fine with it but i can understand how some people might not be all right we're gonna take another break All right, we're back from our break. Hello, Melissa and Megan. Today I was getting advice on how to deal with the world as I didn't give you a big fuck you over the course of a week

and how to pick yourself up afterwards. I'm 20, go by he, him. And no, honestly, not a ton happened. Just a few things that made things pretty shitty and tedious. So earlier this week, my bank account was hacked into and someone stole around $1,200, which was so fun and didn't make me have several panic attacks. No, no, no, no. Luckily, my bank is going to come and say that back to me.

And, you know, I'm not actually losing anything, which is great. But then yesterday, I got fired from my job, which I didn't do anything horrendous. Just a few small things that, like, add up over, like, the course of time. And it was a minimum wage job anyway. So, like, I'll be able to get another one fairly soon. And if worse comes to worse, I have a fast food job. that i can go back to if needed which i don't want to but i will and i was planning on quitting there within the coming weeks anyway so just a little earlier than i expected i was actually just like

waiting for my mom to buy a new car for herself because we currently share one at the moment so like now i gotta like find a new like work schedule that works well with me and my mom and the job i got fired from had a consistent schedule so like i knew what days i had off and like everything was good going forward you know like so anyway like my mom should be getting a new car soon so like that should hopefully resolve itself hopefully i do kind of like have a good plan about what to do going forward but like like on the outside i give like zero fucks about this whole situation like i literally don't care but like on the inside the people pleasing me like it's crushed and i feel like total shit so what i'm asking is how should i move forward to like

do better like i'm trying to take this as a sign to like grow the fuck up and do something more like I'm not in college I'm not worrying about school at the moment just work so like how can I take the step back on myself forward like I'm thinking about fully getting invested in my hobby of writing I wrote a few things but nothing that can you know be seen as professional I think I can try to like focus more on that and not feel scared about having it be seen as good and worth something yeah anyway this felt like more of like me talking myself through it because nothing like this has ever happened before but yeah like I still like very much appreciate your advice um so thank you so much thank you for listening and i think i have some time so um i'm an aquarius sun

sagittarius moon and leo rising anyway thanks again bye it's not a setback it's a setup for the future also the name of matzah's favorite fucking movie set it up so i want to know what you did place to get i love the giggle the giggle and find out like yeah i need to know the meaning behind that because if you did a lot of little things what what were they what were they and i think you know since you're trying to look at this as like you know what what's the next thing why i made these mistakes and what can i do to be better what were the things were there were they things that that that you could improved on were there things that were like if you had taken responsibility or apologize for them happening would the outcome have been different and take that with you into

whatever your next job is and don't think of your next job because you said it's just a part-time job that i can you know i can get another one pretty easy don't just think of it as just a part-time job that can come or go think of it as something serious like maybe try to find something that's within if you want to write like if that's your passion i don't know like what genre that you want to write in but maybe getting a job at a bookstore or something where like you can constantly be around the type of thing that you want to do so then you have more motivation to do better or even working at the library or anything like that and then as far as the bank thing you can't control that banks mess up all the time i know there was a glitch that happened this past week

that with zill and chase accounts like if you made any type of payment with it it took double the amount out of your bank account and so like some people were like i know in la we're writing like rent for rent that were like four thousand dollars and taking eight thousand dollars out their account and so like a lot of it just had a a chain effect of then a lot of things in their account bouncing and Chase is going to give the money back for the Zelle thing but it's they're not like really compensating people for the other things that were bouncing in their account and like you can't control that so but when things happen to you that you can't control just like you know just know that like, this is something that's out of my hands. I'm not going to stress about

things that I can't control and know that like, it's okay for me to be upset about this. It's okay for me to be mad, but I didn't do anything for this to happen. Yeah. So I think there's two different kinds of people where some people, when they talk about something or they vent about something, it gets them like riled up and they're more upset. And then there are other people, me i'm a verbal processor the second i talk about it then it's fucking gone out of my brain i'm like not stressed about it i'm not even thinking about it like it's like a first person relief yeah no and i have a lot of friends who are like that and then i also have to be clear with who i'm talking to that i'm not when i'm using as i'm like okay now i'm over it and they're like well now i'm

riled up and i'm like oh no i'm like wrong person for me to do this with so i would like look at yourself and like which one you're like with that so it's one it's either you got to get it out like you can even just like fucking go on your phone or your computer and like record yourself or you like writing like write everything down just like bitch about it complain like get it out of your system even if it's like it's not your fault like you didn't do anything for it but like you have every right to complain this is fucking annoying like god this fucking sucks and then be done with it or if you find yourself that you tend to stew once you start you have a hard time stopping with that then I say like distractions and then it just like it is what it is and pretend it's even

farther in the past than it already is like pretend that it happened a year ago and it didn't just happen right now like when there's nothing that you can do and you're waiting for like you know the bank to reinstate all of that stuff like it's done like it's it's just as good as having happened a year ago because again there's nothing that you can do at this point and for the work thing if I'm not mistaken you said that you were like gonna be you were gonna leave this job and like find another job in a couple like after like in a bit but it was after your mom got a car and so i'm wondering if you and i'm very guilty of this of checking out and not realizing i've checked no knowing that i've checked out but like thinking that like nobody else has noticed and kind of one

of those things where it's like oh well like i didn't or if like a friendship like well i don't want to be friends with you but this person beat me to the punch and saying like you want to stop being friends and so like it's removing your agency from the situation so like you felt like well now I look like the dumpy like the person who's like caught and like I didn't even want this and so it can feel just doesn't feel like great in that sense but yeah I think like learning like looking at this as like a lesson of oh damn even when I knew that I was checked out like I need to not if I start noticing that I'm checked out I need to realize that other people are noticing it too and this isn't something that's just in my head and like if I check out early

from things that i still need to be like an active participant in for x amount of time longer then i need to create a different timeline in my head where it's like oh no i'm gonna say that like i'm gonna quit this job in three months not a month so then by the time that like i'm actually gonna quit in a month but i'm not going to be checked out from that point on um but like sometimes like shit just fucking happens and it's annoying and it sucks and it doesn't have to be the end of the world like I think think like tedious things things that require paperwork like you know there are obviously horrible things that can happen in life and there are so many things that you have to work on and do all of that for but there are like mundane annoyances and grievances

like having to go to the bank having to get a new license issued and all of that stuff I think that is also valid for that to be frustrating and annoying but the only thing that I do to to look at it as like a chance of like I have a conversation myself all the fucking time like you need to fucking grow up and be a goddamn adult like I have that I don't know anybody who has ADHD who doesn't have those conversations with themselves all the time so for me it's just okay so what can I do to avoid the things that are avoidable like what what are if even if I'm like grasping for fucking straws for like a lesson learned or something I will just try to do that like if it's something as oh I miss paying a parking ticket then I'm going to the next time I get a

parking ticket I'm going to take a picture of the parking ticket and I'm going to put that in a note like I'm going to do things that like it might not totally change the course of my behavior but I'm implementing new things that will hopefully change things for the better but I think just sitting in it with feeling like there's absolutely nothing you can do I think that's kind of a hard position to kind of be in so like once i said like finding some sort of finding something in there and i agree with the job if you could have something that is related to like writing in that kind of environment or also as you were saying like a library or something like another kind of job that's like a receptionist or someone who's at like a front of house thing where you're not having

to do something that there's a little bit more downtime on there so even if it's not related to writing like you can bring a book you can read a book you can write like do things there where if you're not on your feet all the time or running back and forth between all of those different things like some jobs have a little bit more of that and like you know even in the interim like house sitting for people like doing those things where like you're able to be making money but then also have some downtime to use it as an opportunity to pursue some hobbies and seeing like oh where could this go from here so yeah i would like to know what you did all right well that's it for this episode did you have a good time me yeah you i did have a good time did you i did i hope my

nasally voice was enticing to you and not nauseating and we hope you enjoyed this episode give us a call for an upcoming ones if you called us and we played your call on this episode or a previous one and you'd like to give us an update we would love to receive that update so you can shoot us an email you can write we're very lax about how we do updates now because we used to record on weekends so we would like you know schedule it so you could come on and it was the pandemic too yeah so we started during the pandemic that's true we're very chill with it so like you don't have to come on like we can hop on a zoom if you want we like love doing that you could send us another call you could send us the video we won't play the video like footage for

other people we'll just see it or you can send us a written update like we're cool with any of it please don't ask for advice and dms thank you oh yeah so you know our email meganpodcast.gmail.com and stay tuned for the uh rest of our slate of content coming up this week we are we're doing a special edition of but am i wrong cheetah cheetahlicious edition we're doing but am i watching girl power cheetah power cheetah girls edition and i do it i have so much to say on it so that's thursday and um yeah leave us a review in the podcast app you can also leave us this for review for this episode on spotify we love it follow us on socials everywhere follow us our personal things.

Send us money if you would like. That's it. That's it. We'll see you all next time. Goodbye. Don't Blame Me is a production by me, Megan Rinks. And me, Melissa D. Montz, plus Diamond Imprint Productions. Post-production sound and editing by Coco Lorenz.

Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. And music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter. Thank you.