Don't Blame Me! - Pressured to Make Decisions

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Friends rely on me too much Living with an awful couple Moving to a new country Ex lying to sleep with someone Don't Blame Them: Husband doesn't finish Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everyone every bun hello every bun every one of your buns left cheek right cheek sandy cheeks do you ever watch spongebob not consecutively not in a way that i can like quote things from spongebob but i watched it what a great fucking show mots will not watch it with me and i'm like if only we smoked weed welcome back to another episode of don't blame me where we megan and Melissa give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice because you know we have a calling someone called us on the phone and said give me advice and that's truly what the show is we listen to your voicemails your voice memos and we change hearts and minds or you get pissed at us

yeah and it's just kind of par for the course it's part of the job and you're an Aquarius son i'm an aquarius rising so you can hate us we don't really care nope i wish i could care more i don't i i mean i've tried to work on it in therapy i'm just like i've tried so if you want to call in and get some advice from us you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com both mechanisms that you have to keep it under three minutes each and over have your parents permission we do require that you write it down practice what you're going to say you get all the details out then you time it record it a couple times like not read it a

couple times don't record it a couple times read a couple times you can get in the groove if you want to hear your own voice but don't send it to us exactly i'm like don't make we can't we can't let's do multiple multiple takes like that and then finally you either record it voice memo and email or call that number if you're in the states and just read it out loud it'll be great it'll be wonderful we have so much faith in you and we have some we've had some people who deliver wonderful fantastic calls like think of it like a performance like are you gonna get an emmy do you want an oscar or do you want a razzie you can have a razzie if you want a razzie some people wear it like a bagellani honestly that's a goal like you i i wonder if there's any egots who also

have Razzies because that to me would be like okay I've really made them but I feel like there is somebody but I know my favorite person that got nominated for a Razzie was Sandra Bullock but it was the same year that I believe she won best actress at the Oscars too that's fine and she went and actually like picked up the Razzie and made a whole show about it like it was incredible wait i love that i love my girl sandy she i have to say most underrated rom-com actress as well like i think we all remember like oh yeah well it's because people look at her and they go oh no she's like they reference her serious roles of like she is a chameleon in the sense that i'm like i would love her to do another rom-com i want her to do one now so badly she is one of the

greats but in the 90s she was revered it was like her and sandra bullock were the it girls for romantic comedies sandra bullock and sandra bullock you said her and sandra bullock her and uh julia roberts were the it girls wait have you ever seen um i know you don't watch a lot of like youtube but jenna marbles like jenna and julian julian's her now husband he there's like this ongoing fucking bit and it's so like i literally watch these videos more more than once a year like it is like you're having a rough day like it is the guaranteed thing to make me smile he julian cannot tell the difference between anne hathaway sandra bullock and julia roberts they're not even in the same age category well i mean jenna would like pull up these pictures

and he would try and guess which one it is and he's never right and it's just so funny and it was oh i loved it i miss her videos but she has such a good catalog of content left you know and as much as i'm like this is like one of those tv shows your favorite shows all will end and then you can go back and re-watch them she was the person that got me into watching youtube like when i started watching youtube stuff it was her she was the first person i think she was that for a lot of people because she also was like one of like the earlier youtubers in the sense that like you wanted to check back every week at their content versus just like enjoying a standalone youtube video it was like oh i want to follow you and watch what you make every single week

anyways so shall we get into the show oh yeah i guess we should also tell people that we are on patreon so if you want to support our show you can it's from as cheap as a dollar a month and you can with the video version and you can also get the video version of our other podcasts you can also go up to our higher tier and join us for live streams which is a great time and yeah shall we get into the call oh my and yeah you can watch why she's Melissa's hulking out I can't do the other side I can only do this side what the fuck I don't like that it's giving me illusion of a thick neck and you know how i don't trust that no oh my god stop i don't like that yeah that's disturbing everyone please join all right first call hey melissa and megan i'm calling

because of an unusual situation that happened recently i snapped my friend because she was pressuring me to decide where to go to have dinner in the situation i said please stop putting pressure on me I can't do this right now and she continued to ask where to go since she gave me options via message beforehand. In the end I decided for the sake of it but I also told her quite angrily I'm sick of always having to decide for the group. I have to give you as a backstory that I feel that whenever there is a decision to be made for my friends it seems like everyone is looking at me. I don't know why maybe I'm taking charge too easily and everyone is fine with whatever will do. Right now I have a lot of going on in my job which is in the construction industry.

I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to do well despite I don't get a lot of guidance in my new company. I am mostly working independently on my projects. I think I can't handle these small decisions in my private life sometimes when I'm too stressed out. Sometimes it's just a bit too much. Normally I don't get outbursts like this as well. I normally try to make everyone content in the group and now i'm feeling guilty i'm not sure how to handle these situations in the future maybe i have some perspective on this topic me and my friend are both 31 and use she her pronouns thank you guys for your podcast i love it and have been listening for years sorry for my english as well see you soon or hear you soon bye bye your english is fantastic

don't apologize for your english um i'm gonna have to say i don't know if i relate to this one because I either have a lot of fucking opinions or I have absolutely none and I'm gonna share that either way and I do think that sometimes the frustration of other people that I've noticed when I'm like oh I don't I don't care or whatever is like I've had this conversation with Mott's where he's like well I just want to make sure I'm like picking the right thing and I'm like oh but there is no right thing like there is no pressure there like there are some people who just you know they they like if they like two equal options they prefer to defer it onto someone but that responsibility is not to make everyone happy it's because any way will make someone happy so that

has been like helpful when I like genuinely like don't care between two or three options so I could see how that would be frustrating if you feel like this is like all you do with your friends like where you're the decision maker. So I guess my advice is like, I would probably have like a separate conversation with them being like, I'm really stressed out at work. Like I respect that like I have taken on the role of making decisions when other people

and like the rest of the group hasn't really like wanted to, but like I need someone else to take on that job right now because like I can't be thinking about that. But if you do want to relinquish any sort of decision-making or say in it, Then you do need to like be fine with the choice that someone else makes, you know? Yeah. There's apps that actually can do this for you that you can, that people can like, your

group of friends can put like, this is what I'm in the mood for. And then they'll just pick a restaurant that matches to everybody's taste. I think Zomato is one of them. Even Open Table will do a thing where they're like, pick a restaurant at random. i just i just think if i was in your position i'd be like no like either somebody else picks like i'm tired of picking or we're not eating we're not going like so at some point you have to stop letting people like dictate you when you know that that's not how you want to run your life and they're doing it because they can and you know saying no will change things yeah and especially

if they're giving options of like these are the ones that we're deciding between like you can just like I'm sure there's like a random shuffle of options you can do on like a website or an app that will also give you it that way but yeah sometimes also people think that like if you are someone who like has taken control before a lot of people think like oh they like that and i am sometimes like that like if i have an opinion like i would like to run the show like and also you know like dietary restrictions sometimes have to be a little bit more you know decisive with what the restaurants are and people might default be like i don't know what you can eat so you know you just pick it, which I understand. But, but also sometimes you just want to be there for the

ride. Yeah. And so that's equally as fair, like just because there are some times that you have strong opinions and you want it to go a certain way and other people are fine going along with it doesn't mean that like, that's the hat you always have to wear and you always want to wear. But usually people who don't like making decisions, that's a constant, like they always don't like making decisions but even if you are very decisive you like making decisions there are some things you genuinely just like won't give a shit about so it's not like a you either you're the pickle person or you're not the pickle person where it's like oh i eat your side pickle always because you never like it like there's a little bit more of some like variety

in the other way right but yeah i mean maybe you also need to find a new friend who like constantly likes making decisions find you know the person that's just very type a and they're like y'all are doing what i tell you to do maybe i have dominatrix to the group a virgo dominatrix oh should we get into the next one let's do it i'm megan and melissa i'm 18 you know i live with my boyfriend and another couple that couple has slowly become unbearable they harass us almost constantly they started really nice but slowly started stealing our food being extremely loud at earlier late times and leaving the door unlocked whenever we talk to them about these things i'm always really nice but they get extremely defensive and angry now they purposefully

unlock the door after we lock it and we'll watch tv really loud in the living room which is right next to our room at like three or four in the morning they also complain that we don't clean up after ourselves when they're the ones mixing the messes. We never spend time in the kitchen or living room, but when we do, we make sure it looks exactly how it did when we got it. We follow all their rules. They even got these wild mushrooms and they were drying them in our communal kitchen when they must have had eggs in them or something because one day my boyfriend came home to a brown sludge covered in maggots where one of their mushrooms used to be. And first First of all, I don't want random mushrooms in my kitchen that are probably psychedelic.

But second, that is just extremely gross and unhygienic. The instance of harassment was one night I was walking in a large basket of laundry. And as I came in the front door, the male roommate shut off the lights in the living room so I couldn't see. And then he went laughing to his girlfriend and told her, it acts like you can't hear them talking about us or harassing us. I try to be really forgiving, but it's become obvious that they are doing this on purpose and are trying to hurt us. Last night, I saw that they ate our pizza while we were camping, and I messaged them to ask them not to eat our food. I literally found an empty box in our recycling from our pizza.

They came back saying that they don't eat our pizza and that they don't eat that crap. I explained that I don't really care about the food, but about respect. They said they don't care about what I think and don't care about our presence. They also said they, quote, cannot control our emotions. I've never talked to anyone this way, and I can't imagine ever doing so. We are leaving our lease early, and I have been looking for a new roommate for them. P.S., their last roommate left early, too. We will be leaving on Friday, but I feel like I'm constantly anxious and walking on eggshells.

I feel scared and nervous in my own home and don't really know what to do. I have midterms this week, and instead of studying, my anxiety has kind of just been taking over everything. I don't want to subject someone else to their behavior either, so I really don't want to find them a new roommate. But it was part of our agreement when we moved in. My boyfriend has really encouraged me to stand up for myself, but it really scares me. And they obviously don't care about our feelings. I feel like I'm the greatest roommate in the world right now. Honestly, I'm not surprised.

i just i feel like like living with another couple is awful it's awful but the things that they're doing is extra awful they're gaslighting you every single fucking day they can't afford to live alone so they're ensuring that whoever they live with they make it miserable so you have to leave like this is so intentional like this is so and especially in the fact that like in your agreement you already know that their last roommate left early and in their agreement it's like well you have to find a new roommate you know there's always going to be a little bit of overlap and where there isn't one to immediately cover and yeah like this is just constant did they say at the beginning that they were subletting or it was just they signed a lease

that they were who was they were all equally on the lease so yeah that was my question was like are y'all subletting from them or y'all on the lease because if you're on the lease and just breaking the lease then you wouldn't necessarily need to find another roommate you sometimes you can put that i've had that on like leases before that weren't a sublet like but it can be something just that y'all have with them or did you have it with the actual person that you put the lease on that the lease was from with the landlord i think it honestly might have been through the landlord so that's what i'm saying like if it's if they just like made like a verbal agreement with the people that live there then it's not binding no and it has to be with the landlord and even if

you if they have like tenure and more of a relationship but if you signed a new lease with them and all of your names are on the lease or at least like one of their name and one of your name even if it's two of them and just one of you like if you signed a new lease with them even if it was them re-upping their lease but a new one was written to add you on you're already moving out but i would say that like i would reach out to the landlord and like burn the fucking bridge and just be like this is like how they're treating this place like this is so disgusting like in our agreement it says i need to find someone else to rent this but like i can't in good faith do that to somebody else and like you should know the state of the building that

they're putting that like you're putting the danger like maggots like molding food like all of this like mushrooms growing like that is not a safe living condition and another tenant i'm letting you know but if i have to enforce to bring in another tenant to sign on to that lease they can come after you for unsuitable living conditions like go over their head go to the fucking landlord do it after y'all have found a place and you can like safely get out because we don't know what they're going to do to you if you do it while you're still there the landlord can take legal action against like the options of legal action are a new tenant can take legal action against the landlord for an unsafe unhygienic living situation or the landlord

could take legal action against the current tenants and like your former or sadly current at this point roommates and have them evicted right or you could take action against the against instead of waiting for the new roommates you could too yeah but it's just tricky because this is your living situation i just make sure that you're out and safe first especially when people touching your food? Without a doubt. And I would, I would, I would focus on getting through midterms, like any sort of coping mechanisms that for anxiety that like will help you get through this time. And I wouldn't even think about or focus on finding someone to take over your lease because I don't think, not even morally, but I just like, regardless if you have a legal obligation

to do so your landlord if they know the state of this like i cannot imagine that they are going to enforce that and then i would threaten legal action at that point but again like melissa said like once you're out of the situation safe so i would just spend your time yeah focusing on midterms getting through this this situation and then you'll have more of a bandwidth to deal with it when you're not dealing with it 24 hours a day like when it's an email and when it's a phone call to someone who's not your roommates that can be a little bit easier on your mental and physical well-being yeah but i'm so sorry like this is so i've had some like really awful roommates but like this is a love and love unhinged where i'm like oh you're also willing to compromise

your own health and safety to like sabotage us like what yeah if you're and i just this is just like a blanket statement for anyone if you're moving somewhere and the roommate has left early if possible ask the roommate how they like to live there what they liked about living there just like ask questions about the situation you can tell how someone responds because they're gonna they're moving out so there's a reason they're moving out so it's like when I was moving into this place for example I looked around and then the people that were currently living here were just kind of out on the porch and they and I asked them I was like hey do y'all like living here and they're like yeah this is a good neighborhood and stuff and I was like yeah

and then they like we kind of got into a conversation and I asked them like after we had built rapport I said so like why are you moving they're just like we just can't afford to live here anymore and that was and so like they're like she's the landlord's great like yeah so just if you can if possible talk to people that already live there yeah that's a good call because then when uh they moved out and then they came they had to come pick up some mail they're like we were so happy that you got it because you're the one that we talked to and we like you so that's nice yeah and as i say you can also even talk to like the uh the people you're moving in with and how they talk about the people who left early because like you can

be like okay the way that you're telling the story you're trying to really make it sound like they were the problem but i'm thinking maybe you were the problem yeah because it's expensive to fucking break your lease early or leave like it's not cheap it is not nobody's first choice. All right. Well, good luck. And we're going to take a break. Make your lips look like a little butthole. patreon only exclusive they say white people have no talents with those tiny lips you don't have tiny lips though you actually have a lip thank you all right should we get into the next call let's do it do it do it do it do hey megan and melissa

i'm a 32 year old woman she her and i've been listening to you too since i moved away from the conservative place I grew up several years ago, and I feel like it's contributed to my ability to become a person I actually like and respect. So thanks. This is kind of a nebulous call, so I hope you can bear with me. On the topic of coming to age, so to speak, I feel like I have a lot of what I've worked my whole life to achieve. I have a hardworking, thoughtful, respectful partner, he, him, age 35. We've been together over a year after years of bad relationships. Examples include catching a cheating fiance five days before our wedding, an emotionally abusive narcissist, and a lazy man who didn't want to work and stole money from me. So many winners. Today,

I have a fun job I love that treats me with respect and pays me a comfortable, respectable amount of money. My work has always come first in my life, and I'm up for a significant promotion this year. My dogs are healthy after years trying to figure out chronic illnesses. I have good relationships with my family now that we aren't in the same city. My boyfriend's family is wonderful, accepting, helpful, and more. I'm stable, stable enough to travel. Hooray! I recently returned from my latest solo trip a month in Thailand, and now that I'm home,

everything I've worked so hard to achieve in the last 32 years seems so meaningless. All I can think about is living in the jungle somewhere wild and having a more meaningful life centered around travel and probably service. I feel so privileged and yet so depressed. If things weren't going so well, I'd drop everything, join the Peace Corps, save the rainforest, and help women in developing countries. Or something big. Is this just a phase I need to get through? My ability to work remote at my company and do work and travel ends this year.

So traveling enough to feel meaningful is almost totally out of the question there. My boyfriend is building a local business, can't take more than a couple days off, and can hardly travel with me at all. I don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard to build, but at the same time, do I even want what I have anymore? Waking up in the U.S. every day to news of mass shootings and other stuff is eating me alive. Am I ridiculous and dramatic? Am I selfish? Do you have any suggestions to minimize this existential dread? I feel like it's making me so miserable to be around.

I only feel like my best self traveling alone. Life at home seems so small and so silly. please help this is kind of like that uh meme of the millennial urge to whenever you go to a new place you're like i could live here but you're not i don't think you're being dramatic i just think when we go to new places we we see possibilities and when you're in the same you're like in the same job that you've been doing everything's just comfortable and when you travel you get out of your comfort zone for a little bit and you're like what if I just did this all the time but it could and you could do it all the time you know you have the option to

but will that actually make you happy because then that becomes the norm and then you don't have the same stability and then it's like oh I really miss that that you know that time where I I wake up every day and I knew what I, everything that I needed to do for that day. And I have this boyfriend that's great and blah, blah, blah, and he can't travel, but I kind of just want you to, and I'm not saying like this, like, that's not actually what you want to do. And I'm not saying that staying where you are is what you you're meant to do either. What I'm saying is just kind of sit for a second and take some time, get off that vacation

high and just kind of see how you feel how you feel and yeah make it so when you when you if if you decide like I want to you know stay and get this new promotion and be here with my boyfriend everything's going good and that's like what you decide that you want to do make sure that you have like a week or two weeks built into you know when you get your new promotion I don't know if you have to negotiate a new contract that you have a few weeks built into your that you can get vacation time where you can have that travel time and that's your time to escape yeah i i agree with all of that and like this the kind of feeling of like our mindset when we're traveling it's like it's a finite amount of time and so like your whole outlook is going to be different and that

would automatically change if you're not just traveling for a finite amount of time like it will shift so I you did mention that like your life is like finally stable I would ask yourself do you feel like you're craving chaos like does it feel like you've never had something that's stable and you've been working towards it now you have it and part of you it seems like you're like oh maybe I didn't want it all along but how long have you been stable to feel comfortable like how long has this lasted because there is a feeling when like shit has gone wrong like over and over and over again that you don't fully relax like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop and like you're not you might be stable but like on paper but you don't necessarily feel that way yet

and like that can be the urge to like run away or create chaos or do something that you're like I'd rather I'd rather control the instability than let it happen to me and I don't want that to happen again like I want to like maintain that feeling of control so I would say that I think like I don't think that everybody is their happiest self working like I just don't Like, and I think that like capitalism and nine to fives and just jobs in general, like I think there are people who would be happier, like not working. Like there are some times where I'm like, I would love to just depends on what the work is, but I'm like, I would love to just like fucking not work right now.

Like that's a really common sort of feeling. And I think that you acknowledge that like this is like a really privileged thing, like your life that you're able to do this. so I would say that know that like there's like an intersection between or what's happening is like so you have this privilege to be able to travel solo and do all these things that like you really love and like that brings meaning to your life but you're like okay well this whole thing that I've worked towards stability and like you know all these other things are going so well and like I'm sure you see everybody who wanted that and you wanted that you wanted that stability

and like you see other people who are perfectly happy with it the ability to solo travel and do all that is not a possibility for a lot of people and so some people will never know that that's the happiest that they are some people do know that that's the happiest they'll be but it's just not attainable or achievable so recognizing that if everyone's like oh well everyone else seems happy doing this thing why am I not happy doing it I hate to say that like sometimes I wish I could like look around and say like everyone that I know and like myself included I'm like we're all just doing what makes us the most happy all the time we're not like people are just like working to survive they're doing what they need to do and there's something really romantic about being

your truest and happiest self but that happiness is not like a constant thing like it is something that will ebb and flow and is kind of fleeting and I think like you said like mixing in a way to incorporate this into your life if this is a big priority for you then that needs to be a big priority for you but I do my practical advice is like I think taking time off of work and traveling and doing things like I think the big times in your life where it's easiest to do that is after you graduate college or before you go to college instead of going to college before you get into the workforce and then after when you retire early but i would just say that like from a really shitty practical place i wish i could tell you i'm like oh yeah fucking quit your job like join

the peace corps first of all the peace corps is great but there's some rough yeah and like rough things like i i know people who did it for a bit and like it can be really hard and not what you think it's going to be. So sadly, we are on like a track of it's hard to succeed in business as a woman. Like it's hard to get promotions. It's hard to like, I mean, people have kids and take time off and then their job is never that guarantee of like the trajectory of their career is like forever shifted. So part of me wants to be like, follow your dreams, like do what you want to do but I can't tell you that you're going to be happier like you're going to just you're going to be in a different place with different problems but you're still going to have problems you're

still going to have struggles and the stability that you have built I if it was me I would continue it I would foster it and I would probably like work my ass off and retire early and then do what I wanted to do but knowing that like sadly a job isn't guaranteed and promotions aren't guaranteed and those things that like you could take a couple years off and your career could be fine you could be even better than you were before you could like keep accelerating or it could be stagnant and like I'm someone who I really really really value financial stability and because that's like not something that i had and that's something that i really that's my like money to me has always represented like independence and i i've done the grind where it's like i'm gonna

kind of be miserable for x amount of years and i'm just gonna make as much money as possible and then i'm gonna you know chill for a bit and then i'm gonna do that again whatever it is but i would think about how much money would i need to continue to do this and to be comfortable and to like maybe live where I am like part-time and spend the majority of a good chunk of the year traveling but then yeah you have to evaluate if that is something your partner wants in a long-term partner as well it's there it's like lots of rewarding things to be done with like service work and like being in the jungle like I went to Ecuador and like that there's like a there is a feeling of like wow this is like a whole other world but i will also say i would really try not

to get caught up in the it's the only fucking time you're gonna hear me be fucking patriotic the only time i would i just wouldn't get caught up in the america's worst america's the worst fucking place like this is so like we have all the there are problems everywhere and those problems will continue on if we all just run away from them and i'm not telling you that you can solve school shootings at all but just knowing that like i mean thailand not specifically but like this usually happens in a lot of like conversations with europeans where it's like people will deflect on their own issues by pointing a finger at like how bad america's issues are and how they could not ever have bad things that happen there and and they do and then

a lot of americans like romanticize these places where like a lot like until we started having a patreon live streams and we have specifically like a good amount of like swedish listeners who will join them like i all i see is like romanticizing like oh my god like sweden is utopia they're all these fantastic amazing things and it was like oh like we're hearing about political unrest like we're hearing about all these other things and then because we're talking about it i'm seeing them on my tiktok now like they're showing up on these things and i'm understanding it a bit more but if i had just like listened to this usually like american who's moved abroad talk about these other places i wouldn't know that like there are issues everywhere and sometimes it's easier to do

more for said issues in your home country because you actually understand them as opposed to feeling like and i'm not saying that's what you are but like feeling like a savior that has to go abroad to save someone else's problems and like there are like if you're concerned about saving the rainforest there you can do environmental things like volunteer at environmental things in your local area if you want to help women you can volunteer at a women's shelter there are things the things that you want to do you can do them all here they're just not going to be you know abroad maybe this is a sign for you to be like oh wow I found something in my life that's like really emotionally fulfilling for me so that must mean that there's going to be something else that's

really emotionally fulfilling for me and I should like seek to find that like I just don't think that you should look at it of I'm either miserable and depressed or I'm solo traveling the world for the vast majority of the year like when something when one thing makes you happy that doesn't mean it's the only thing that makes you happy it means like oh cool if I can be this happy with this there's got to be something else that will also make me happy right you just have to find it and I wouldn't get rid of traveling as a whole at all and if anything I would just like work your ass off and plan to retire early and then be able to have money to like you know retire on once you get tired and once you get back or you know if you're up for a promotion you can also look for

other jobs too that are remote and then use that as a way to negotiate yeah but i think everybody would want to like you know spend their life in like the jungle and like doing all of these things like that's what we were meant to do that's what i mean like hustle and grind culture like we're decorating like you know the the tick tock of being like like i'm having enrichment time in my enclosure we're like decorating our enclosures like we're making the best of the lives and the situations that we're going to have under capitalism and that doesn't mean that this dream and this like fantasy isn't what everybody would do if they could do it but that also doesn't mean if you have the ability to do it doesn't mean that like you owe it to other people that

you're like i gotta do it then like you know grass isn't always greener on the other side Okay, so the next call, trigger warning for sexual coercion. Hi, Megan and Melissa. I'm calling for advice about kind of a triggering situation for sexual coercion is the warning I'll give for this call. So I'm 32, she, her, and I recently broke up with a fifth man, he, him, who I dated for two and a half years. During the time that we were dating, I was on the scene at a really, really bad accident where I saw someone die and I took care of another person medically who I knew personally. My partner, my ex, knew about this. Let's just call him Sam. And we continued to date for about another year after that accident happened. And Deb and I recently broke up, and I found out that he is back on the app, which makes sense, even though he told me that we broke up because he was fearing intimacy and not able to deal with his problems. I don't really judge him for being on the app looking for some casual sex and hookups in the meantime.

However, I was recently contacted by someone who knows us both because apparently he went on a date with a woman and told her that he was much more involved in that accident that I was on the scene of, that I was much more involved in the accident, and that he knew the victim before the accident, all of which is not true. So I know that he lied to this person about something really traumatic, not only in my own life, but something that involved a death of someone and some really, really bad injuries and rocked our community. And I know that he lied about this in order to get closer to her. Not only is this really triggering for me, it also is predatory and coercive. And it is really messed up

and scary to think that I just spent two and a half years of my life with someone who acts in a dangerous way towards other women. The advice that I'm looking for mostly pertains to how I talk about this with friends, whether I call him out if I do, what space is appropriate to call him out in, and what I should or shouldn't say about this situation to mutual friends of ours who might not know that this happened. To be clear, my ex and I did not set a rule of no contact. However, we really have not been in contact. We've been broken up for about three weeks. However, I am thinking about going no contact after this as I am feeling, frankly, a little afraid of him and afraid of having in my life thank you so much and i love the podcast bye i'm speechless this is like

like i so do not fault you at all for wanting to go no contact and like being afraid like this freaks me the fuck out like this is like one of those things if you saw in a tv show like you i wouldn't be able to look at the actor the same in like another project like you know what i mean like this would be like oh my god like holy fuck like this is wow first of all i'm so sorry like that is such a to be dealing with like a relatively fresh breakup and then also have already dealt with like the trauma of all of this to then have a person who your breakup was very unrelated to this and it didn't seem like like you said like you didn't have a no we're not going to contact each other like you didn't have that that boundary and you broke up because he said that he

was like you know having some intimacy struggles so you were not prepared for like this at all I would just like I guess my advice is like at first I would like do my best to not have this um to put any of this like on you of like oh how did I not see this like questioning the relationship before like how could I have been with someone who did this he didn't do this while you were together like he did this afterwards you're not with someone who did this you're no longer with him and if he had done this when you were together you wouldn't be with him anymore so whatever the fuck he does now that you've broken up first of all whatever he does while you're with him that is not reflect on you like shitty things and awful things your partner does while

you're in a relationship that's not on you but this is really not on you at all honestly like if you still have mutual friends like regardless if I was closer with the other party if I heard this information a I would want to know and I would not want to be friends with that person and I think if you're nervous about telling certain friends I would first focus on the people that you do feel comfortable talking about this with I would tell them whatever you're comfortable with if that's everything you know like I would prefer to know everything that you know in this situation I would start with that and then I might not even take the time to tell other mutual friends who I'm not sure how they'll react because that's not my problem and I don't

think that I'd personally be able to emotionally handle it if someone was like oh I'm still gonna be friends with them. If I have an inkling, I'm not really going to give you the opportunity to prove me right or to prove me wrong. There are certain people who I know that I can trust and that I can tell things to and that they will respond accordingly in a way that is aligned with the reason why I'm close with them and why I'm friends with them. But if I can't guarantee that, not that you can guarantee people's reactions, but in situations like this, I would have no doubt how Melissa would react. I would have no doubt how some of my other friends would react to it. But the people that I would have questions about, I honestly would probably just

drop them as friends too. And we've said this so many times, I'm very pro-ghosting. But I think especially in situations where your emotional well-being is on the line, especially with a pre-established traumatic event, I would tell your close inner circle and the people you can count on then take a breather and it's not your responsibility to essentially like report him to all of your other friends if that's not something you feel emotionally up to and there's no timeline on that if you want to tell them there's no limit for when you can and it is a very traumatic situation for you it is awful to hear as a third party but unless somebody else was like really personally affected by this situation I think giving them a heads up of like hey can I talk

to you about something it's pretty upsetting this is like going to be kind of what it's about that you don't have to give more of a precursor than that I don't think yeah but I'm also curious about the friend that told you and how they came upon the information because you said that oh for some reason I thought it was like the girl who went on the date but no I guess you're right it was probably a friend i was recently contacted by someone who knows us both because apparently he went on the date so it's not the woman that went on the date if that person since they have more of a i guess they have a second-hand account and then at this point you have like a third-hand account of this information if that person knows both of you do they know other friends that you

have and would they be comfortable being since they were comfortable to tell you would they be comfortable telling your other friends because that might take some of the weight off of you well it would take some of the weight off of you and also it would make it so it's a safer situation with you as well especially if this is somebody that you don't explicitly have set a rule for no contact but now you want to have no contact so that person could kind of be like the safe haven between the two i mean i think you should be no contact with him and i think you should be no contact with anybody who's remains in contact who's standing yeah standing up for him or just brushing it off and acting like it's no big deal yeah if there are some people that you're like i

don't feel comfortable telling them don't and that's enough like that for me if i don't feel then that's my fucking answer and i don't care if like i'm not giving you the opportunity to prove me wrong you haven't shown me in our friendship that this is something that i can count on you for and so like i'm not going to run the risk of my emotional well-being of you potentially not taking this seriously i really fucking hope the person the friend who told you the mutual friend is not friends with him still because this is like so bad and you said that this tragedy like affected the whole community and like this we're only hearing about this third party like we are not a part of that community and i'm telling you right now like if i saw him

in person i would i would just like completely like go into him like scream at him like and i don't i don't have any emotional ties to this other than just how horrific his actions have been in just this so i can't imagine i would hope that other people react have a more extreme reaction than us in this but i'm so sorry yeah me too all right well we're gonna take another break now it's time for don't blame them you might be wondering megan melissa what is don't blame them i'm so glad you asked don't blame them is where a listener will call in with their own advice regarding a call we aired on a previous episode. So maybe it was about someone

who didn't want to be a teacher anymore. And they're like, well, no, I do. And we're not teachers. We're self-appointed gurus, but we're not teachers. So maybe it's a teacher calling in. It can be anything. If they're a part of the profession that it relates to, or if they have personal experience,

or they just have some insight on like an aspect of a call that we didn't touch on as thoroughly. So, all right, here we go. Hi, I'm calling in for Don't Blame Them for your most recent Don Hensley episode for the caller who's postpartum calling about her husband who didn't finish. I just wanted to add another caveat. I thought you guys did great with your advice. I am a mother as well. I have a young child now, and I just want to make sure that the caller is aware that when you do have a baby with your physical changes and your mental changes, you are, I mean, like you guys said, you are a new person, and your husband as well is getting to know the new you, and he is also getting to know the extension of both of you, and so are you.

And there's so many changes that come in this time. So additionally, with the sex advice, I think it would be good for you guys to also take time to get to know each other as the new versions of yourself and really make sure you're taking the time to connect outside of sex because it sounds like your husband really has an emotional connection to sex and has that or needs that sort of feeling to be able to perform well and to have that enjoyment out of it as well. And it may just be a time where with all the changes, he's trying to get to know you better and it's nerve-wracking. It's like having sex for the first time again. So try to have intimacy moments that don't include

sex as well. So that way you guys are able to get on a better field of knowing each other again and that will also help you further in your relationship with a kid because kids get hard it's hard to find time to have those intimacy moments and and making room for those moments to become closer without intimacy will help when you guys are intimate so I hope you guys are good I hope everything goes great and give yourself grace this is a really fucking hard time thank you great advice very good and that's an example somebody that has experience that we don't have yep always impressed by people who raise kids yeah it's incredible it is shout out to everybody who has grown a kid who has pushed out a kid who had a kid cut out of them and or

who has raised a kid very very incredible all right that is it for our episode we hope you enjoyed if you did you can tell us by leaving us a wonderful comment wherever you listen to podcasts or review i'm not a comment like be like wow this is amazing they're so pretty and funny and i just love everything about them and would love for kiki palmer to be a guest have you seen look at if you scroll down on the platform what's it called apple oh yeah someone tagged me where it like now says that like kiki palmer has been featured on our podcast because we did that and it just it has our all of our well i need to i need to go figure out how to add i know how to do it just takes steps i need to add my face yeah but it'd be great look at us hey look at the trio

manifesting every day i am suddenly we're suddenly manifestation girlies yes so um if you want we would also appreciate if you followed us on our social platforms tiktok instagram we also have our individual instagrams and leave us a comment somewhere there i'm working on trying to get better at posting on our podcast instagram but alas we upload four episodes a week so um yeah and you know what that means you're listening to this on a monday maybe but you've got so many more episodes you've got our extra content on our see you next tuesday then we have our but am i wrong thursday and fisting friday so buckle in you're in for a wild ride okay thank y'all for listening bye

don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond imprint productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso