Don't Blame Me! - Regifting

Episode Date: January 16, 2023

TW: Call 3- Self-harm Meghan and Melisa give advice on: Update: Ending a friendship Update-ish: Husband won't get a vasectomy Not liking a present Ending a friendship with someone you think will hurt themselves Asking for a monetary gift Don't Blame Them: Issues with living alone Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Follow Us! @meghanrienks instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @by.meghan.and.melisa https://www.instagram.com/meghanandmelisa Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

we're here to start a revolution is this a song or a speech uh more like a chant so somewhere in between i love a good chant is this a sorority one am i allowed to participate this in this or revolution why would the sorority be trying to start a revolution i mean like i don't know are you making this up on the spot like i don't know okay oh she's improvising look at you say yes yes that's just some improv humor for you all they're like we don't care none of this was funny anyway okay well sorry it was a failed cold open my bad y'all i should be researching the cold opens on brooklyn 99 more and to make sure that we have we're keeping things funky and fresh well funky now i just think of like cheese

like funky yeah we literally just watched that one it's a very good one it's i think it probably is like the most renowned matz's favorite is the um diane we like we like yeast infection like that one and his mustache Charles's mustache those are like that's his favorite one so anyways hello everybody welcome to don't blame don't blame me I knew which one we were recording okay I just call an advice show where you call it and we and we give advice that's what we do you might be wondering are you in the same room now because melissa's back in los angeles no no we are not we are giving it a week as we usually do when one of us travels and it's also fitting because los angeles is dealing with so much weather lots of wetness so juicy just secreting from the air

and that's not fun to drive in i'm fine actually it's our mayor said don't drive unless you have too so that tells me to stay and like I just want everyone to know that like this isn't like wow Californians like don't know how to drive in like the rain like first of all I grew up near San Francisco I grew up in Marin like I know how to drive in the rain like I know all of that shit it's like it's just that these freeways are not built for rain and so the freeways are flooding so also when you haven't we're in a drought and when the earth hasn't been moisturized in a long time it doesn't absorb it as fast and so the water is not absorbing into the soil it's just sitting on top of the streets so think of it like a skincare routine like the our soil in los angeles

has not had any humectants there's not pulling moisture out of anywhere so like it's cracked and dry and then you think you're just going to throw some aquaphor on some dry skin and it's going to work no you're sealing in the already dry you got to permeate the wet first so we are we are holding off and this is the day that our yard is flooding so it's a good day in LA and I will say we are so lucky like and I've told lots all of this because I where I grew up like flooding happened like all like it wasn't so much like of a fire worry there were like I think there were some like house fires but like there was not where I grew up but like flooding like all of my friends if they lived in the flats like your house like people's houses flooded my school's flooded

like it was like that was a huge part of my life and we had it was gonna say we had a big landslide and like there was only two ways one like two ways to get to my house and for years I think almost all of high school one of those ways had been like was like ripped out because like the road got taken out through a mudslide and it took them a really long time to like repair it so i'm very lucky and thankful that like you know we're both safe and we're able to stay inside you know and oh no all right well we just had a little intermission because megan's internet went out yeah as i was discussing the weather um the weather decided to be like thanks for the shout out let me disconnect your internet real fast and it just would not reconnect and it finally did

so that's what happened okay so let's just jump into what the show is this is an advice show where we give you wonderful amazing life-changing advice and you might be wondering um how are these meteorologists whether whether whether women and just overall sexy gorgeous stunning intelligent supermodels also qualified to give advice and to that we would say why doesn't any of that make us qualified to give advice that sounds sexist i say why are you questioning this who said you could speak did you raise your hand i don't recall calling on you this is you call us and what we lack in credentials we make up for in opinions if you uh subscribe to our patreon you can see the weird ass face that megan was just making i think it was actually like stunning and i think

that like it is the face of renaissance portraits her or beyonce would have rejected it well yeah but i think it's like they needed um a jester jester yeah there you go me and matthew morrison big jester energy so on this podcast you call in you leave voicemails and we give you advice and if want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com the criteria for all of the above regardless if you are leaving a voice memo or a voicemail it has to be under three minutes that's not like we're going to edit it down to three minutes like it has to be three minutes when you send it to us or when you record it on the voicemail and

we do suggest demand require plead beg of you to write it down before you record practice a couple times time yourself out make sure you have all the relevant information there we do ask that you always include ages if you'd like to include your pronouns please do and create pseudonyms for the people who you're talking about if it's not just about you so we can follow the more information that we have we can give the best advice so if there's examples about behavior and things like do that we love we create an entire podcast giving people advice like we want the drama like give us the give us the details we love to hear that shit um not like love if it's like a bad thing but like you know it it helps us create a well-rounded argument for um our law fellowship with Annalise

Keating we have an update today so let's get into it it's a good one everyone you will remember so basically my uh well you guys have answered a bunch of my calls i've called about my now ex boyfriend uh how he was just like super unmotivated and i wanted him to move out there was another one where like my friends just didn't match my like not like financial level but like i was paying for a lot of stuff this was like at least two or three seasons ago so like way back i've been calling you guys since i was like 21 and i'm 26 now so basically the last time i love that i know it's been a long time you guys have been part of my life forever um and then the last time i talked to you guys was my ex-boyfriend used to hook up with his twin sister and his mom

was you know diddling with the dog we brought that up i now i remember i remember where i was fucking sitting when you told i am now i remember oh you're now i remember everything yeah i remember everything yes i broke up with him my best friend and i moved in together i met a guy yeah so now i am now married to that guy and he is just everything i've ever hoped for and more and we just got married in september so just a couple months ago and i know and miss megan's engaged now and i like literally cried for you oh that's so nice i'm dying for you yeah congratulations not megan of course um and so my best friend that um we moved in together and she was like my whole support system and got me out of that terrible situation we're no longer friends she wanted to

buy a house so she asked my now or my now husband at the time to move in and like take over her lease. And I wasn't on the lease at the time, just because I was like, it was just craziness all the time. But her mom was on the lease. It was her and her mom on the lease. Her mom didn't live here. It was just like to help her, like basically secure the place. And I was supposed to get on the lease eventually never happened. So we were doing this big, like lease takeover. and it was it took forever and it was a pain in the ass but her mom like withdrawed out of nowhere and so they were gonna kick us out and I have like severe PTSD with having a unstable living situation when I was growing up my mom like we never knew where we were gonna live the next month

and as an adult I like promised myself that I would never put myself in that situation again so I freaked out and she was freaking out too obviously but it brought up a lot of emotions for me and we were like fighting with her mom and eventually it all worked out but after we got engaged a couple months later I told my best friend that I didn't want my mom at uh or her mom at my wedding and she made a big deal about that and then apparently I bought a couch and that pissed her off when she was moving out yeah I don't know I don't I don't know when we moved in together I got rid of everything that I had and we just moved into her place so I had to basically restart and so I was buying a bunch of stuff that you need like furniture and she said

that I pushed her out of her own home apparently and I asked her to be my maid of honor after we kind of like resolved some stuff um and talked and then she uh ghosted me when we or when i went to go uh try on wedding dresses like she just didn't show up yeah she blocked me on everything before having a conversation with you that yeah pretty much yeah well we had like that one conversation i thought we were all good and then yeah just no contact nothing i haven't heard from her since that was what was that like August of 2021 so yeah now she's married and has her own life and so oh wait so was she the only person going with you to try on dresses no I had my whole okay whole gang I had my like stepmom and yeah like my other best friend and my other best

been like um as soon as everything was happening she stepped up and kind of filled that maid of honor role not only like for the wedding but emotionally too right um yeah so i'm very thankful for her but yeah it was um really shitty and i don't plan on ever talking to her ever again oh my god i wouldn't fucking either like i'm yeah that is as a ghoster i'm just like those people why I'm like you are not a part of our club like that is like that is not healthy ghosting that is like not an appropriate response and like you know that's a high stress and even though it's an exciting time like trying on dress like that's so that's so mean like that's so mean spirited not saying one word to you and then just blocking you that's not cool when she was such an important

person in your life wow exactly and yeah we had definitely had our issues but I don't know I just or not recently but like then we were going through some stuff but like I still loved her like she was my other half like I wouldn't have survived the pandemic or anything without her and it was truly heartbreaking yeah I like remember I was trying on dresses and I was just sobbing and everyone was like oh it's so sweet but i was just like so heartbroken that she just wasn't there and a part of it but uh i wish her nothing but the best and if i ever see her again like i don't know maybe say hi but i don't have i don't plan on having a relationship with her yeah ever so which is understandable yeah yeah i mean some people i

think that like you know there's that quote it's like if you don't like people the friends who aren't there for you when you're at your worst but i've also noticed like sometimes people like are more comfortable being like a fixer or a helping kind of friend and they're not great celebrating friends and like when you're doing amazing like for them there's nothing for them to do but like just like support and celebrate as opposed to like help and try and fix and that hold up a mirror to themselves that like they might not be focusing on fixing things in their own life and they might not like themselves very much for any of that kind of stuff but like that's just absolutely wild but i'm i mean you know it's friend season reason lifetime and like you know

she was there for a season that was like very or like however long she was in your life but like she served a very important purpose but that's done and she doesn't deserve the friendship like at this point like that's just that's so fucked yeah it's so fun yeah it's just i started um noticing that she was kind of getting a little territorial when my now husband and i started dating and she gets pissed whenever we went on a date and i didn't tell her or i don't know we were having a movie night and she didn't ask or we didn't ask her she wanted to be included or something like that and I now looking back my therapist when we first moved in together was saying oh I think you guys are kind of codependent and I was like no no not in a million years and

now looking back it's like oh if your therapist is telling you you're codependent with someone you should probably uh listen and not like brush it off and tell them they're wrong so yeah or you may not have felt that way but the former friend was definitely codependent yeah for sure I couldn't go anywhere without her like being right there like uh she worked from home and I work mostly out of my car uh I do like a lot of driving so like she would just sit passenger with me and she like couldn't be left home alone I feel really bad for her and I'm glad that she's you know doing whatever she's doing now but still kind of sucks i had a friend very similar to that where like she was codependent with me and i wasn't codependent with her and you know when

it was i don't want to sound like an asshole but when it was convenient or like it worked for me like it was just like okay cool but then the second that like things started to shift that's when i was like oh okay you are codependent this isn't just we have not been seeing this the same way of like this has been convenient and fun for both of us like this is a much more need-based thing and now you're getting territorial and like that's so like and you're feeling very betrayed by something that like I didn't commit to like and we had very different ideas of what this was so that's just sounds yeah that's I'm I'm I'm glad that like you can like look back on that and like you know appreciate what she was able to do but then also know that like that doesn't mean that

you're like indebted to her or you have to like stay friends or maintain a relationship if she's not going to be a good a good friend like it's not like credits that you get that you build up like it's a constant everyday thing and just because she was great for a period of time doesn't mean that you know looking past any of that stuff is healthy for either of you so I think that's like a really mature and smart thing yeah exactly and uh thankfully I have a lot of people to you know fill my cup up and it's not just her too so yeah definitely healthier with like all my other relationships but i don't know uh i wish i could just say like thank you to her or something like that but it's probably just better left unsaid yeah and i'm sure i did some fucked up

stuff too but i don't know at the end of the day blocking someone when you're supposed to go wedding dress shopping with them that's kind of like you know the final straw that broke the camel's back if that's a saying i don't really know yeah yeah so but what can you do well look at you you're so fucking therapized like this is i know i spent like six months going to uh like a weekly seminar uh for like dbt for my therapist and so i'm like zen as fuck now amazing maybe i need to do that girl uh life-changing wow well thank you i'm i'm i love seeing this and i'm sure the audience loves hearing this like journey for you like people like we love like being able to connect people to like oh this call was this person and this was also them and you know x y

and z and all of that stuff but you know seeing that like where you end up and like the happiness that comes after like all of that like bullshit like it's just like i'm just like thank you for sharing it with us and that like we got to be a very small part of these last couple years it's been like you know it's we're honored to be able to see and hear about like the happy results and like ending and healing of all that stuff like i think it's just amazing yeah you guys make a big impact on like what you guys do here and like just having someone like listen to you and like give you I don't know real advice that's not sugar-coated even if you like don't know the person like personally or like you're not super involved in their lives like it's like a lot heavier it

seems like like it has so much more importance that like you guys are giving me advice on my life and how to handle situations and um it's really made a big difference in my life and I honestly probably wouldn't have gone to therapy if you guys like hadn't talked about therapy for so long so you're gonna you guys have been a big part of my life i'm sorry but i'm not sorry at the same time well thank you we appreciate that so much so sweet yeah yeah and we're so thankful for like people like you who are willing to come and like be very vulnerable and share that stuff because it wouldn't be anything without people like feeling safe and comfortable to share and we always love when people say they enjoy that we're not sugar-coated because a lot of

people do not like that oh they need to look inwards honestly if they don't like sugar coating because like yeah got too many yes men around you if you don't like that amen good to hear that um and we're here if you need anything else in the future but so happy where you are thank you and i just feel so honored that i get to talk to you guys honestly big fan big fan shall we get into the call let's do it hi megan melissa i am actually a caller from a previous episode in 2021 where i was asking you guys how i should go about um talking to my husband about getting a vasectomy um since then i had my child um it's been good i have the conversation with him I even showed him the YouTube video from Rhett and Link, like you guys recommended, and he was not for it.

It's still a touchy subject. Like, he will not get a vasectomy. I've mentioned it constantly for, like, the past year and a half. In that time, I got an IUD, and I just feel miserable. Like, I absolutely hate it. I have PCOS and my periods are very rare. So when I do get them, it's like three or four months later. And it's as if I'm getting those periods all in one go. And it's just absolutely terrible. The cramps are awful. And I've said this to him multiple times. It's just like, it's awful. And

I would really like for him to get a vasectomy. And he just does not care. He will not do anything. I don't know what to do at this point. I guess I should just drop it and deal with the IUD because I don't want to have any more children. But I'd really like some advice or what are your opinions on husbands that don't want to help out their ladies? And I even like, I feel bad, But I even guilted him like, hey, I pushed out two children from my vagina and like you can't even go get a procedure done that takes like one day and then you're healed and he just he's not there for it. So any advice you guys could give? Thanks. That would be great.

Love you guys. Listen to you guys all the time. Thanks. Bye. First of all, congratulations on having your kid. And second, I'm so sorry. like this is just like i i can hear the defeatedness in your like voice and i am like frustrated for you so i don't know i guess like my first question and maybe this was covered in

the original one or we talked about it more but like what why for him like what's his reasoning because to me that it's like that means like a lot if it's like i'm really not comfortable with procedures like i have really bad anxiety about that like that's something i really don't want to do that to me I'm like okay that's like very fair and very valid and that's a okay it might take us a couple years to like you know going to therapy and like seeing what like you know working through those anxieties and those things because to me that is like I don't want to ever think of it like a tit-for-tat kind of situation but mental pain is like just as valid as like physical pain so like dealing with an IUD and all of that like if if he is also like

there's so much anxiety around the procedure for him and it might not even just be medical anxiety of getting it done but it's like the aftermath like if you're worried about the healing or whatever it is if it if i was in your position i would have a lot more understanding if i knew that we were both i was making a sacrifice in the moment for like my like mental physical health and well-being while he was working on it to then make that same sacrifice later on and it's It's a relationship. It's a back and forth kind of thing. So if it's that, then that is something that, you know, it's either is that cannot be worked through. Can that anxiety and that fear be worked through in therapy with like, you know, a lot of time and patience? And or if not, I again, I would be a lot more. I would have a lot more mental energy and capacity to find other alternative birth controls that were not miserable for us both. but if it's not that I don't know what else it could be that would make me sympathetic to him my thing is just like with your body you choose what you want to have done with your body it's

also his choice to have whatever procedure that he does or doesn't want to have it on his body like yes I understand that you know you don't want to have any more children and then also an IUD is painful for you, but there are other forms of birth control. Like, why can't you use condoms? Is that an issue for you? There are other things that you can do. Like, I just don't think that I understand that you're frustrated, but it's just the fairness of it all. Like if he does not want to have the person, you can say, you can recommend, you can give every example that you can think of but at the end of the day it's his choice to have done with what his body what he wants to have done you can't force him to have it yeah i i agree completely and

i do think it is a conversation that like i think it kind of should be some similar of a deal breaker conversation before you get into a long-term relationship with someone a similar thing with like what's your stance on abortion so it's like he should never feel pressured into it my only question is i'm assuming you're still using condoms if you don't want to have more kids but is this like extreme desire for a vasectomy as like the like creme de la creme the end all be all are you worried he wants to have another kid like are you worried that like you're gonna use birth control you're gonna use like condoms and if the condom fails and you get pregnant do you not feel supported if you wouldn't if you would terminate that pregnancy like that's my

question it's like because that that's the part that like if you're concerned that if he doesn't get a vasectomy that you're going to get pregnant you're going to be you're going to have to like carry that baby is that based on your location or is it based on your like relationship and how you view your your partner because I think that's a bigger a bigger question for like the long-term plan of contraceptives in your relationship like you said you're done having kids like is he done having kids like is that if that's the reason why he doesn't want to get a vasectomy then I think it's like okay so maybe we're not for each other right now because I don't want to have kids and like so I'm you know if you're in a state where you can have access to an abortion but I do think

that like you need to figure out and maybe you do know but you just haven't told us like what the what the driving factor is behind it because I think it represents a lot more like it either represents anxiety and like that of of a procedure and operation or whatever or it's that you're not on the same page with if you're done like growing your family and a vasectomy is not a solution to that in the sense that like that's a that's a that's a communication problem with like as partners but also vasectomies aren't 100% foolproof either so even if you got off an IUD you could still get pregnant with a vasectomy there's a leak sometimes yeah I just you haven't like spoken really ill of him so to me it's like if your mind is not taking you towards this person

is like trying to manipulate you and like baby trap you in the future then I just think that they're like if this isn't malicious and like dangerous and like this isn't again like an attempt to control like your your reproductive health then i think like the response to that is if that is what's happening it's not controlling his reproductive health like it's controlling you and your relationship so if this is a deal breaker for you i think the only way you can come to that conclusion either way if this is something you're going to deal with or something you're not going to deal with I think is knowing why and like having that conversation and knowing that that might not be like a one-time conversation thing it might take a bit to open up because you've said

you've guilt tripped him and you know you need to get to the bottom of why and I think that regardless of what the why is I think it'll be a lot easier for you to decide what you want to do or to and to deal with it like or not it's to deal with it or to not deal with it but i think without the why i could understand resentment building and like getting more and more frustrated because it feels like you've made a lot of sacrifices and he hasn't made any but he might anxiety is also something that people don't choose yeah because yeah like to go on with that like without knowing the why if i just heard that somebody was trying to force somebody else to have a procedure that they wouldn't want i would not be sexually attracted to that person that's

trying to force and manipulate in your own words like that just it just doesn't sit well with me yeah and i think we view vasectomies as kind of like uh maybe people have said so many times yeah that people are like well we should just require like if we can't have abortions and everyone should just have vasectomies and it's like well no that's just no that's just the exact same problem that we're creating for a different group of people with different like organs and genitalia like that's just not fair and it's a great option for people who it's a great option for but it's not a great option for everybody but again if the reason why he doesn't want to have one is because he wants more kids and you don't that's the issue it's not that he won't get a

vasectomy it's that you have different ideas about the size of your family and you shouldn't be with someone or sleeping with someone who you don't necessarily trust to be super responsible in the same way that you are with your potential future family and getting pregnant, especially as abortion access is being restricted across the country. Like it's just it's not it's not a fair position to put you in. And there's only so much that we can do on our end as people with uteruses and vaginas to not get pregnant. And if you can't trust him to hold up that end of the deal on his end regardless of what it is like condoms pulling out like all of that like then that's that's the issue there it's not that he won't get the procedure so let us know next call i'm megan

and melissa long time listener first time caller i am calling in for advice on if it would be rude if i re-gifted earrings that the guy i'm seeing gave me for christmas so the background i am a 22-year-old woman. You can use any pronouns. And I've been dating a 27-year-old man, he, him, for six months since July of 2022. We aren't in a serious relationship, i.e. we're not like boyfriend-girlfriend, but we have been an exclusive since like a month in, and we just said, I love you to each other. It was going to be like a one-night stand, and when I met him on a night out, but we just didn't stop seeing each other, and it seemed healthy. So he gave me two sets of earrings for Christmas and a jacket and I love one of the earrings and I love the jacket but I hate

the other ones like I'm not going to wear it so and he knows like I opened it I was like oh like they're cute but like I wouldn't have picked them out whatever um and he knows that but I'm wondering if it would be rude if I regifted them because I think one of my friends would like them so I have three holes in my ears they're a little bit too big for me to wear with the other two holes in my So it's like I not only don't like how they look, I also don't like they wouldn't fit with like the other earrings when I'm wearing all of them. My options are giving them to a friend without telling him or telling her that they're from him. They have met, but they don't like they don't interact very often. So it's not like he would run into her wearing them.

Another option would be talking to both of them, being like, hey, do you mind if I give these to my friend and asking him if that's OK? or I could give them back to him and he can return them but he probably won't do that because that's inconvenient for him or I could even just donate them not saying anything or I could just keep them

and just never wear them I'd love to hear y'all thoughts I was I will admit I was partially reading and also partially going off on my own tangent so hopefully that was okay but love you guys

been listening since the beginning thank you bye I need to understand how y'all no I feel like boomers at this like i feel like we're being like what is with you young people and you're and but are we about to go on a label question like if you're you're like non-monogamous and but you said that you're aren't you aren't serious this is what you said no that's the part that got me that's what i don't

understand you're not serious but you said that you love each other and you're not in a relationship you're not boyfriend girlfriend but you're exclusive like what bitch what the fuck does that mean none of that makes sense but anyway I want an explanation on that but what but the that's not the real issue here I think this is a simple solution you say hey I tried to put those earrings in they don't fit into the hole so do you mind um I do you mind if I give them to my friend like I think that's the most simple and because it's the truth they don't fit and if your friend likes it they can keep it yeah and then you're telling him the truth too and then there's never a chance where he's like where's those earrings and then accidentally sees your friend

wearing them since they do know each other although they don't interact that much yeah i mean i'm a big believer in being like upfront and honest when it comes to like gifts that's like how i think it's like kind of like sex like you need to say what you like and say what you want and like that's how like it keeps getting better and I think like a gift should be a great representation of how well like somebody knows you and how well they pay attention some people aren't great gift givers and they just like give off of a list and that's totally fine but if you you said you you know you're like oh this one's not so much my like I wouldn't have bought this for myself like that to me like that's a little bit dancing around it and so I think like yeah like the actual practicality

of it doesn't like like these don't really fit here and like they're not really my style like you know I don't want to ask you to like return them like I love everything else you got me like would you be cool if I like gave them to my friend like I think they would like so fit her style and be perfect like exactly that like if you didn't tell him that makes that slight hint that you dropped that they're not what you would have bought yourself that does not that completely eradicates any possibility that that meant that you didn't like those earrings like you need you think you need to be a little bit it's not cold or being like rude but people want to get gifts that people like and then also acknowledging like that you appreciate the gift and you really like

these other things and i think that's a perfect way it's a compliment sandwich like reinforce that you loved that yeah he he got two out of three on point great odds yeah yeah and it would be a massive knock to his confidence if a he knew that you got rid of them and then gave them to someone else and then didn't tell him because then that to me like when someone like hide something like that from me or like doesn't tell me something like that I'm like that sucks like I would have really hoped you thought highly of me enough that like I wouldn't be upset about this and I would appreciate the honesty here like that's not a hurtful kind of thing and I just don't think the setup for you know six months uh non-serious not that serious but exclusive

and love each other i i don't think boyfriend and girlfriend but not boyfriend girlfriend um but i don't think if you want to keep going down whatever road this is you're going down in this relationship like i just think that this is it's just a bad idea like i personally don't like to make decisions that in the moment i go this is going to bite me in the ass because it's never really going to happen on things that i don't know but like when i can when i question i go is this gonna come around and just really fuck me up like i'm just gonna not do that because life is already gonna do that on its own i don't need to give it more ammo yeah this but you have to explain your fucking relationship to us because like what whatever um i mean he's 27 if if you

like it and that works for you cool i don't know what it means i just don't understand no me neither i want to know what the difference is between you and him and something that is serious and is boyfriend girlfriend it's maybe it's like did you get him a gift maybe it's like he thinks it's more serious than you do but you love him like you do love him are you in love with him yeah like love ya like did i love you or love ya y-a-y-a-h-l-u-v-l-o-v-e no one come for me if i scott any of those wrong anyway we're gonna take a break now while we ponder this and we're back we thought on it we still have questions shall we get into the next let's do it hey melissa and megan i am 25 years old i'm a female um she her pronouns and i'm very liberal

um i would like advice on cutting a friend out of my life he him pronouns 28 years old fake name Jeff. Background on us dating, we met through online dating. We were never exclusive at any point because he did not want to be exclusive at the time. We dated briefly at the beginning of 2022 for about two months, then stopped talking for around two to three months. After those three months, we decided to remain friends, but it has strictly been texting and occasional calls. I ignored a lot of red flags while dating him, such as constantly being compared to his ex and him calling me a bad friend and other mean names. And I accidentally forgot his birthday while we were seeing each other. Our contact has been very limited until a recent

phone call. He told me he listens to Andrew Tate. And when I heard that, I wanted to throw up. I hate that man and everything he stands for. And when I expressed that I hate him, he descended the content and told me he recently started listening. He sent me a few videos, but I do not want a part of it, which I told him repeatedly. Stupidly, I admit, I thought I could get him to see how awful that kind of content is, but nothing has worked, and I know that nothing good will come from me talking to him anymore. I truly have no idea how to end this and just ghosting. I'm a serial ghoster, but just ghosting feels weird to me because I'm afraid he's going to hurt himself. And in the back of my mind, I think maybe he will also do something to harm me as well,

if not physically, then emotionally. I let this go on for way too long, and I could really use some advice on how to cut him out completely. I'm very sensitive, but I know the scenario will need tough love. And I am in therapy, but have not discussed past dating experiences yet because we are unpacking other things thank you guys this is not a situation that requires tough love unless you take how we're but i i just want to say that like if my if i'm coming across as tough love send me a message and i will like deeply apologize to you because that's so not how i want to come across in this like i don't think this is a situation that calls for that that to me tough love is a sense of onus and responsibility that i think like you know that's kind of like my mo

when i'm giving people advice like that but i don't think that there's you bear any responsibility for this and i don't think you bear any responsibility for maintaining a friendship for anything nor do you bear any responsibility for his mental or physical well-being the only responsibility you bear is yours and very few people when they call in will say that they do like they are worried about the repercussions on their physical potential physical well-being and mental in a situation and we usually have to infer that so if you are able to look at the situation and you already feel that you need to like honor that so so like harshly and truly is like that is a very real possibility because our brain puts up a lot of blocks before

we even like let ourselves vocalize that like we might think that but we're we don't always say that so the fact that you can say that I just need you to know that you need to take that really seriously and that being said you need to talk to your therapist about it and I know you haven't gotten into relationships and things like that but it can just be hey can we schedule an extra session or this is this is an emergency like this is a pressing issue whatever you're unpacking in therapy unless there's something else that is potentially going to cause there's a choice coming in your life or something ending that will have the same potential repercussions I think that you need to tell your therapist like hey I need help ending a relationship a friendship it's a

long distance or it's a phone call texting relationship we haven't seen each other in a long time but I'm like afraid of what could happen and can you help me figure out what to do and what's the best way to go about this in the safest way and how can i have like any resources or whatever it is and your therapist will acknowledge like okay yes this is an emergency this is this is something that's an urgent thing that we need to address immediately that doesn't mean that you don't need to have a whole background in all of your relationships like you really could you and honestly before a session you can even email your therapist and just say like hey this is something that like I want to have a different kind of session tomorrow like this is something

I need to talk about or can I have a telehealth appointment with you can we have like an extra call or something like that like anytime that there's been something pressing in my life and I had like emailed my therapist about it she would like if it's 10 p.m she told me to call you right now we'll talk about it right now and like that's that's a part of their job that they're trained for and that they know how to handle and they know they anticipate it it happens and therapy isn't always just about kind of going through the archives of your life and unpacking and tying all those things together like life happens like sometimes people's like parents die while they're in the middle of therapy for something unrelated like it's not going to be this like linear sort

of thing that needs a lot of backstory like sometimes there are things that happen immediately and they need immediate attention like a bleeding wound and this is the doctor for that like this is this is who can help you in a way that like will help prepare you, help you do it in a way that like help you talk through the feelings of responsibility about his well-being, but then also be able to, you know, work with you in maintaining your mental well-being through the process of it and any steps in order to protect your physical safety. Yeah, I agree with everything megan said and i just want to add on that none of this was your fault i know you said that you felt like that you could change him and you let this go on for too long sometimes we feel

like that we can be positive examples in other people's lives and then they will have these realizations on their own but this is not your battle to fight this isn't your like cross to bear all those stupid idioms, but like, this isn't your fault. You were just trying to be a good person, try to be a good friend. And I think you recognize that, you know, this wasn't somebody that you wanted to have a romantic relationship with, but I'm sure there's qualities that they have that he has that, that you like, and that you, it wasn't just like a one-sided friendship, But sometimes, you know, people go too far where it's not enough. It's too much for us to handle.

And he's gotten to that point. And now, like you're asking for advice, Megan gave you great, wonderful, like steps to take to talk to someone that's a professional, because now it's gotten to the point where and you didn't go into details, but he's clearly said and done things in the past that made you afraid for his well-being and yours as well and so it's at that point where you have to bring in a professional to help you handle this situation so do that please do that immediately and um again know that this is not your fault yeah and that's like it's a very common feeling as women that like we see men being misogynistic or being bad whatever being assholes like not

treating us well it's been an expectation that either as women we take it and we deal it deal with it and that's our place and that they're treating us how we deserve or we gently course correct and we handhold someone to try and respect us and treat us better and that's not a personal failure nor is that a personal like that's a that's a gender thing that's that's the patriarchy like that's not a you thing that's not a conscious choice that we make like that's something that just fucking happens and it's happened to me it's happened to like every woman I know has has at some point or another subconsciously had someone in their life that doesn't treat them well and is a misogynist is an asshole whatever it is and you know I hope

there's a time when generations of women are like our rights are like so well established and there's the generational trauma has been healed from like generations of therapy over and over and over again but the idea that like you did anything like you let this go on too long you did blah like you did xyz and whatever it is like you you didn't you didn't do anything like you lived your life and this shitty guy was a part of your life and like Melissa said like you know there was like a friendship there that like you enjoyed and maybe it was pretty low stakes for you at the time because like you know it was just like texting or whatever it is but like i think we can all look back on our younger selves and say like oh how did i not see those red flags like how did i not see

this this and that and like i've gotten guilted into that feeling too of being like why didn't i do that and then i'm like but why would i why would i have seen those red like why i didn't know they were red flags and like the reason i know they're red flags now is because i've dealt with worse i've dealt with shit that showed me those were red flags but like I don't want to be born jaded and thinking that like every man is out there to harm me and hurt me and doesn't value me and doesn't care about me so like I've tried to give my like younger self a lot more grace for what I previously was constituting as like falling for people who were obviously bad for me and it's like well you know what like I'm really glad at that age or that

time in my life like I didn't assume that like people hated me because I was a woman I didn't assume X, Y, and Z and all of that kind of stuff. And like, now that I know that it's not like a pleasant experience. So like, it's not like, like that lived experience of that, but that wasn't like a, a choice that any of us, any of us make, like you were just living your life and you didn't do anything that would, that opened this, that like invited this in, nor do you bear any responsibility for him and his feelings like at any point you never did but you certainly especially don't now the other thing that's also been helpful is like for me in just anything situations it's at sometimes there's nothing you could have done differently like sometimes life just happens

and people do things that are bad good whatever it is that we have no control over we have none of that so like if you even like you retrace like your mind you're like okay well I done this differently I done this differently like you don't know that this wouldn't have ended up in the same position and same place like you can't control that even if you could go back in time we've seen all those movies or people like go back and they change one thing and like there's all those effects but when I stopped thinking that if I had done a couple things different everything would be different like it I don't know that but also like we're not perfect beings either so there's no way that we can perfectly handle any type of situation that's putting that's putting too much

on yourself to begin with because you you may do some things that may be a red flag to somebody but like you can't you knowing that you that that happens and you do that do that but then at the end you still like you you may be a person that you know is called out on their red flags and then you can change there's some people that aren't like that yeah and like if you go back in time and you change things you don't we can't control how other people react and what other people do so like there I can think that I know now what I would have done differently but I don't know that if I had done that things would have ended up differently or ended up better or whatever it is because the only thing you can control is yourself in the now all right next call hi Melissa and

Megan, I need some advice about a complicated Christmas gift. My boyfriend and I, 33 and 28, have been together for four years, and we typically celebrate holidays by spending quality time together rather than giving gifts, as quality time means a lot more to both of us. This year, a few of my friends invited me to go have a spa day, and I said no because I didn't want to spend the money. My boyfriend overheard me and offered to pay for the spa day as my Christmas gift. I accepted his offer.

We agreed on the day of the spa day that I would pay with my credit card, and he would Venmo me when I got home. When I got back, I let him know how much it was and left the receipt on the counter. Now a month after the spa day, and my boyfriend hasn't paid me back. I'm pretty sure he just forgot, but I feel like it would be weird for me to remind him that he offered to pay. For a little more context about our finances, my boyfriend makes a lot more money than I do. At this point, we don't have any shared bank accounts, and we split our household expenses mostly half and half. I tend not to spend money on treats for myself, whereas he tends to treat himself to things

he wants without hesitation, within reason, of course. We usually talk openly about finances, and it's normal for me to remind him if he owes me for groceries or for him to send me a Venmo request for our shared car insurance payment and things like that. In this situation, I don't know how to talk to him about it without sounding ungrateful or demanding, so I don't know what to do. His offer was with the best intentions, but now that he's forgotten, I ended up spending money that I didn't budget for, which I know my boyfriend wouldn't want. Do you think I should say something, or should I just eat the money and move on?

Is sending a Venmo request at this point a gentle reminder or petty as fuck? If I do talk to him about it, how can I do so without sounding ungrateful or demanding? Thanks for your help. Bye. why would you sound ungrateful or demanding i know you i feel like y'all have been together four years you should you know that he is forgetful about things just reminding him sending a venmo did i ever pay you for that hot dog no you didn't but uh this is exactly what i mean though wait hold on i have reminded you several times but it's fine but like you sending me i don't know ten dollars i don't know how much a fucking hot dog costs because i only have 15 cents in my venmo i'm putting the ten dollars isn't hurting me in the

way that it's hurting the caller in a way that's like messing up with their bills and their budgeting and he doesn't want that so i think sending a venmo request should have been what you did from the beginning i assumed you were gonna say that you sent a venmo request and maybe he like didn't pay it like no just yeah go ahead and and tell him like hey here's the deal uh you forgot to pay me back Venmo I'm sending you a Venmo request like I don't think this is a a big deal unless there's a reason why this would be a big deal that you're not telling us yeah so as someone as you can just tell right now I forget to do things literally all the time and if when people remind me like to pay them back or something like I never ever like think that

they're like being like whatever like it to me it's like oh shit I forgot let me do that real quick and then I feel I feel bad but like I also it's just kind of par for the course and if he's a forgetful person like he's used to that like I'm really used to forgetting to pay mods back for things or whatever it is. And I'm used to that with my friends as well. And I don't feel like it's a personal attack. And I don't feel like it's a judge on my character when people like it's helpful if you're a forgetful person and someone reminds you about something like it's it's only going to be helpful. So if your mind is going to like, you know, being greedy and ungrateful and blah blah blah is that from your past your other relationships you've had

like how you grew up or is that from this relationship because i think it's from this relationship i think that's a red flag but other than that like i think the gentlest reminder you can give would be the venmo request and then i would honestly like send the venmo request and just like you know message him and tell like you can text him afterwards and be like hey sent you the Venmo request for like the spa day and if he's like I don't want to pay for it anymore then I think that's a different conversation but I think the best thing to can't pay for it anymore yeah I think the best thing to do that and I've had to like you know ask friends to pay me back for things but I think the best thing to do in those instances when you're trying to get paid

back is putting it in writing and like that's the good thing with Venmo but then also sending a message there because you know if someone texts me something and I like open a text message to text them about something else I'm like oh shit I have to go do that thing or if they're not wanting to do it then there's like actual written down record of that and I think that that is helpful if you're on the other end of it and you're like okay well now i know i was being direct and clear so now we have to have a conversation about this that's what judge judy says what what did she say just make sure you got everything in writing oh yeah well that's always gonna be the the best the best advice for anything everywhere but i i wouldn't worry about this and like i know that's

like so fucking unhelpful but from someone who's like we've both i mean i've both i've been on both sides of that and as when i'm the person who needs to pay the money whether it was like a gift whether it was like whatever like i've never thought it looked bad on the person asking me to pay them what i owed them yeah i mean we had a writer on but am i wrong right in that there i think it was their aunt had agreed to pay for their plane ticket to go to a funeral and they wrote back in there like my aunt like like and they asked like would it be wrong for me to ask them for the money very similar to this and they asked the aunt eventually after they had wrote in they asked the aunt for the money and the aunt just completely forgot and gave the money right

away so yeah as a forgetful person like the best thing i can do like the best thing advice i can give to people who aren't forgetful it's like reminding your forgetful friends is not bitchy it's not rude it is it's helpful and like if you're concerned about being an asshole i'm already sure that your tone is not going to be condescending like if you have the wherewithal to big i really don't want to come across as rude you're not going to like you're already aware of that and it's not intentional the same way that it's not a personal slight when someone is who's forgetful forget something they are not going to view it as a personal slight when you acknowledge hey i know this wasn't personal so like i'm just going to remind you well i'm excited for you to

get your money back me too and i hope you enjoyed your spa day all right well we're going to take another break hi we're back from the break it's time for don't blame them yes it is time for don't blame them which is when a listener calls them with their own advice pretending to a call that was aired on a previous episode so maybe they have some additional ideas or advice they want to give that we didn't touch on they have personal experience with it or they just had an epiphany they were a ghost came to them in the night and oh my dream they know i i was gonna say

the ghost came into the night and then came in the night and they are going to bestow us some ghost jizz wisdom ghost jizzdom I hope this isn't a serious one

I'm so sorry if it is we're going to redo it I'm so sorry hey I'm calling in for a don't blame them episode for this past week in regards to the caller that was having issues about living alone and just kind of that transition in life. So recently, I moved in by myself this past June, and I was definitely going through the same situation. This is also the home that me and my ex were supposed

to live in, so there was a little bit of drama behind that aspect. Essentially, I would totally agree with Megan and Melissa on this. I think you need to host more events. I did a Friendsgiving, as well as I'm hosting a cookie decorating party in December. Another suggestion is getting an emotional support animal or plant. I recently got into planting, and that's not only decorating for my home, but it's a new hobby. I also got a fish, and although it's small, it's a little perk I have coming home and taking care of something

when I necessarily wasn't able to take care of myself. Lastly, if you have access to therapy, I highly recommend bringing this up with your therapist. Loneliness can lead to self-isolation, and we definitely don't want you to go through that route. Essentially, living alone is tough, but it is a great opportunity to find new things and discover yourself a little bit more. Just know that I don't know you, but I support you in this new journey. And I absolutely love this podcast, and I was glad to call in. Thanks.

What a nice person. Yeah, no, like you sound like a genuine, like I think I know nothing about, you're going to the good place. like that just you're so nice and so kind to both the caller and us and we appreciate it and i think that's great advice as a someone who's into you're into plants please tell me how to how to keep my plants alive in the winter time how are you doing with it because i'm struggling any plant owners out there please i am i am this is not unsolicited i am asking for your help in my dms please don't tell me to buy a heater it's happening i'm not choosing to live in the cold forever it's just a process but i love a plant love taking care of things yeah i think i like my plants i'm like

some of them are dying or whatever but i'm also like i've had these plants since 2020 so i think i'm doing pretty good shut the fuck up yeah i keep forgetting that time has passed yeah and so like the accomplishments that like things that i've sustained since 2020 like that's not a small little blip like that's like three fucking years wow you're right i'm gonna be a little more gentle with myself and the fact that my plants are give yourself grace listen to your own advice well that is it for our episode we hope you enjoyed i hope you had such a great time i hope you're like wow this brought so much joy to my monday or whatever day that you are listening and if you're listening on a monday and maybe this is your first episode you're like

i'm so sad i have to wait a whole other week for a new episode no you don't no you don't because we think more is more we give you so much so we have a other episode coming out on tuesday for see you next tuesday where we catch up we chat we just socialize talk about our lives then we give you a break on wednesday so you can catch up on sleep uh watch your shows on old episodes there you go and then thursday we have but am i wrong where we give you a wonderful content just it's great i'm not gonna dive into it there's an entire podcast you can listen to all about it and then fisting friday on friday for your buttholes whatever hole you want to get and we're here for it we're here for you and your hole all right and if you love us go leave us a

review on the apple podcast app also if you listen on spotify go and rate us on the spotify app i'm gonna read a review from Apple Podcasts. Amazing podcast from Joe Collette, five stars. These two ladies have become a staple in my Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, and Friday routine. I started listening when I first started college and I'll be graduating in May and I can definitely say that listening over the past four years has made me a better person. They are not afraid to cover pretty much any topic and call people out when necessary i love listening to podcasts by two people who are in fact never wrong and truly look forward to new episodes thanks joe joe's so kind we appreciate it and i love just knowing for so many people like we've been the soundtrack for

college and high school i think like college some people but i think it's so cool especially because like we have varying age ranges like of calls like of content in the calls so like you listen when you're in college and like you know each episode like maybe there's one or two calls that like really apply to your life and then you get to like listen to the others for drama but as you get older different calls start applying to like your life more and then other ones you go oh yeah I remember when I was in that position like I just think it's I don't know I think it's cool I even like us giving advice when they're talking about like you know people buying houses and getting engaged and like coming from a position where I wasn't there yet like and now

that I'm there like it's cool that this has been like a constant for that so I love to picture us and your airpods or whatever headphones you use a walk into class across the quad i don't know why i'm romanticizing college i had a horrible time i was like i loved college but this sounds like you really enjoyed it no i didn't i'm just thinking about the tv show greek which was um really the source of and who i blame for me even attending college i mean it's their fault um but yeah if i was on instagram and then i'll get the tiktok up eventually and they'll look really good but you know there's still ones there so that's um it okay bye we'll see you tomorrow which is tuesday i'll see you next tuesday yeah also patreon if you want

don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and Diamond and Print Productions. Edited by Coco Lawrence. Production assistance by Melanie D. Watson. Music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso.