Don't Blame Me! - REPLAY: Thoughts of Hooking Up with a Married Co-Worker

Episode Date: November 9, 2023

Original Air Date: May 5th, 2022 After a long discussion on LA cuisine, Meghan shares her thoughts on people giving up on climate change and Melisa thinks people should stop infantilizing the elderly. They then discuss if listeners were wrong in the following situations: Friend not wanting to stay in the chosen Airbnb for a birthday trip Being there for a friend that trauma dumps Boyfriend eating recently deceased father's leftovers Emotional cheating And in "But Are They Wrong" AKA "Rachel of The Week" they discuss Tinx and Jennifer M. Buck - Author of “Black and Bougie”  Write In: [e-mail] Weigh In: Vote in the weekly poll on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/by.meghan.and.melisa/ Buy Our Merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Join Our Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Listen to Don't Blame Me: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dont-blame-me/id1223800566 Follow Us: https://www.instagram.com/by.meghan.and.melisa/ https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdYV7J5p/ Follow Meghan: https://www.instagram.com/meghanrienks/ https://twitter.com/meghanrienks https://www.youtube.com/c/meghanrienks Follow Melisa: https://www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa/ https://www.instagram.com/diamondmprintproductions https://twitter.com/SheIsNotMelissa Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hey guys so my microphone was kind of messed up just for the intro but it will pick back up once we get into the actual episode. Hi. Hello. Wow what are we doing here? We're recording a podcast call but am i wrong are you wrong never ever ever what about you honestly never like i i'm like racking my brain thinking of a time that i was wrong and i i don't think i've ever been wrong you could ask any of my teachers in high school you could totally ask the person who graded my sats um all of that like 1600 that's the perfect score sat right i was in that weird like four year period or whatever where it was out of 2400 gotcha okay so on the sat out of 2400 a 1490 places a student at the median of college-bound seniors 50 score 1490 and above 15 50 score below

15 score above 1850 okay so i was like average that's fine so yeah that doesn't really keep on brand with I've never been wrong um but testing was not my strong suit and it wasn't until I was an adult that I've said before that I didn't know that people with ADHD got more time to do tests because I also didn't know that everybody finished the test they took in general I was like I just thought testing was you get through as many as you can and that's it and when I found out that people were finishing every test they've ever taken I've never in my life finished a test i was like oh okay this makes sense oh well yes this is um but am i wrong podcast where we talk about the wrongs that we might have committed in our lives or our personal hot takes then we read

submissions from all of you what's happening in your lives and we tell you if you are the hero or the villain in the situation and then we nominate our rachel of the week aka but are they wrong pop culture current events who is the absolute worst and do we want to symbolically throw tomatoes at whoa tomato tomato tomato that's one of my favorite favorite tiktok audience right now and then the one that i was telling you about earlier this week where it's like i'll take two more of these little blonde bitches see that one i haven't heard yet i think that might be on blonde bitch tiktok got it you know the paris hilton side but i'm on i follow paris hilton so yeah i don't know them i don't know well what's new with you you know yesterday when i was like hey

blitzos that's a barbecue restaurant here in la that we like it's like hey they've got a two for or you can get 40 worth of food for 20 so i ordered my food and then it just disappeared from the app so i saw that somebody was picking it up i reset the app nothing it was like i never put an order in there. I didn't get an email confirmation. It didn't say it was on the way. So I was like, what is going on? And I was directing the audio book and I was hungry. So I was like, I'll put in an order again. Well, 20 minutes later, my food arrived and then more food arrived. So you're drowning in racks on racks and racks of ribs is what I'm hearing. And so there was a glitch with postmates and they refunded me for everything and gave me $20 in credit. So I

have essentially, cause I had to order $40 worth of food. I have four meals for free. Wait, what did you order? I ordered some ribs. I ordered a brisket sandwich. I ordered some mac and cheese and it was like a pint of mac and cheese. So those actually serve like four anyway so it's actually more like eight things so wow yeah so i have a lot of food right now i'm so happy for you thank you there are all these tiktoks of um like what life is like when you've been in a relationship for five plus years it's like calling your partner being like should we get tacos tonight like that's us with blood cells we're like is it a blood because like it's a commitment like it is like you are it's so salty but in like the best way

possible and it's like heavy like you're not doing shit after like you are not like you are like I don't want to say treating yourself because like food isn't like that it's not like a reward system but it's along the lines of like it's it's a treat in the sense that like you get giddy for it to arrive and like it's like christmas like i just get so fucking excited and i tell everybody in my life that they need to like the amount of people who've like never eaten at blood sauce shocks it's the best barbecue i mean barbecue i understand barbecue isn't part of the culture of la and so it's not like the best barbecue there ever was but it's the best barbecue in la so it is delicious and i used to have an internship that was within walking distance of there

And so I was there like every other day I was going there. And so what I told you, I told you yesterday that like they didn't originally put coleslaw on their sandwiches. But every day, every other day I was going there, I would ask for it. And then now they offer it. And I truly believe because of what I said, they started putting it just automatically on the sandwich because that's like the Southern way is to have it on the sandwich. I mean, I think you are an influencer and I think that your invite to Revolve Fest is coming. But I think that you're an influencer. I just hope that we can influence people that if you come to visit L.A., don't go to fucking Pink Taco. Don't go to Pink's. Like, don't all of those like stereotypical shit. Not good. Not good.

Pink's is going to be the worst hot dog I've ever put in my mouth. And that's coming from two people who love hot dogs. Who love hot dogs. They're not good. but like if you're coming to la like go to bloodsos and then if you want a mexican food restaurant shoot me a dm and i will actually no i'll just tell you because she deserves all the press to be fair she is very she's coasted glorious mexican food and it's also el salvadorian food oh my god it's so good so good that's those are the recommendations yeah don't go to pink taco

No. I used to have another internship that was in the hills right there and they were always, let's go to pink taco. And I was like, these are so greasy and not good. And would you like to spend like $19 on guacamole? Right. No. It's the most expensive thing ever. I'd rather you, the Mexican food that you see like people just sell on the street is 20 times better. It's authentic. It's delicious. It's fresh. Oh yeah. If you see a taco truck on any street corner, pull over, flip a bitch. Oh yeah. You're stuck in traffic and someone's walking by and it's like, would you like a taco? Yes. Yes. Yes, you would. I almost did that the other day. We were stuck in traffic and some guy was walking

through with like tacos. And then I think it was just like plain, like, uh, I don't think it had any, what's it called? Tijon? Is that how you pronounce it? Yeah. It was, but it didn't have any of that, but it was just like plain, um, like watermelon and all of that. And I was like, This is tempting. This is tempting. But alas, we hope you all enjoyed that influencer segment of Los Angeles, California. Lots of recommendations we can give. I've also decided that the reason why LA can be so infuriating with like traffic and just all of that stuff is because it is like a tourist trap, but it's the whole city. and so you have all these people who have like no idea how to drive no idea where they're going they're like walking like not crossing the street when like the lights are and so like but as opposed to like new york like new yorkers avoid times square because that's where tourists comes but la everything especially like influencer culture everything is a tourist attraction

so like going to the fucking mall going to target going to whole foods like everything And that's why I think that like the traffic and the the road rage and like the the attitude of people in L.A., because the attitude that you have to other people who live in L.A. is not the same that you give to tourists. But you also kind of assume if someone is not being the most intelligent in a situation that they're a tourist. yes this was my realization also because my old place was kind of near where james corden records and moss and i anytime we would be stuck in traffic we'd be like fucking james corden is singing cinderella dancing to windows like fuck this and i feel like half the time that like there's a there's traffic is either that's happening or people are slowing down driving around the lots hoping that it's going to happen and that's why we have traffic yeah that's true

So goodbye, James Corden. We'll not miss you. Should we actually hop into this episode? Yeah, let's do it. Let's read the results from last week. So, oh, I didn't even say this part. So the best part, I think, about our show is we open this up for you to vote. So as we go through all of the segments, you can jot down notes about who you think was wrong.

And then you can head on over to our Instagram stories and vote. and now we're going to read the results from last week these ones did go up late i will say i've been in the crunch of moving so by the time this episode is out like i said like i will be gone i will be in our new house these ones were a little delayed so if you missed the voting i apologize also i do i want to say that megan and i are on the same team if you're coming here to hear people argue about different things this isn't the podcast for you yeah and like all disagree that i think fucking eggnog is disgusting do you mean like it's like i mean i think there's like plenty of things that we've disagreed on but it's also not that deep yeah exactly and then if

it is that deep like we're not going to disagree on it because we're also friends yes and like there's a reason why we don't disagree on like moral issues i'm not friends with people that are morally corrupt exactly okay so episode 24 who was wrong first up we have me versus international and national days 88 said megan is not wrong and 12 said megan is wrong this is like the vocal minority people who thought i was wrong were like very upset and offended by this and we're like please let people enjoy things like well i just want everyone to know that i have not submitted like a bill to like the the united states or like the un or anything to try and like ban or like criminalize national international days it's truly not that deep i think it's

annoying and stupid i will say i totally understand teachers who are like oh it's really fun for like the kids like for sure but i am also allowed to think that it is not i just think that is lame and absolutely useless for the vast majority and also the amount of people who messaged and were like I just looked up someone that was their birthday and they were like I just looked up like my their birthday was a couple days ago what their international days was and it was something like national international like men's day or and all of the stuff that was like horrible and she was like on today I'm reading this on my exact birthday seeing all of the days which was funny yeah I don't even remember what mine was but people were like let women enjoy stuff and I was

like this isn't serious like this is just meant to be fun also you like actively like think about and it brings you joy to like think about like national like uns like skinned almond day like what do you mean like sure I get like pie day I get like cookie day for sure but like for some of these obscure ass fucking ones like national like fart on a pope day I'm like okay so that brings you constant joy like marie kondo you're like yeah joy sparks so much joy in me unless it's the young pope i'm not interested get this he's a pope but he fucks um and then mine is me versus getting a homophobic person uninvited to event one person said i was wrong 99 said i was not wrong margin of error yeah and a lot of people were like so sorry but i will say there is one that

is coming up at the end where i cross-referenced who voted that you were wrong on this and who voted that i was wrong in one of my rage for the week nominations and in that crossover i can based on some bios i definitely know that some were not voting they were intentional okay okay then we have writer number one versus the classmate that makes noises 89% said the writer is wrong and 11% said the writer is not wrong got a lot of great discourse on this for a lot of people who immediately were like this would be so infuriating and annoying to me and then we're like and then as I was listening to you guys talk about how that's like super ableist I like recognize that and like that was very helpful which super happy to hear but yeah there's

also a lot of people messaging us who were in the same boat as us being like i could totally understand how even especially if you are neurodivergent that this could be like a distraction and like really frustrating but it's how we talk about those situations and also recognizing that we can only control our own personal small environment and working around those kinds of things that are asking neurodivergent or people who are just different than you to to change based on your needs it's just not fair yeah so i think that was a good call or good submission i think so too so then writer number two is her mom's hot girl summer who's wrong uh 15 said the writer is wrong 85 said the writer is not wrong and had to use this iconic photo of

chris jenner who seems to constantly be living hot girl summer and then we have writer number three versus lane who cried at logan's dinner because she's struggling with being single 83 said writers wrong 17 said lane is wrong i i have such strong feelings about this one that like the people who are like lane is wrong i i think a lot of people agreed and probably voted for that one because um when we said that there's something else there like there's something but i also just think i don't know the whole like well this they they shouldn't have come if they were going to know that they were going to have like a bad time. But I always think if someone's like feelings are hurt, getting mad at someone for their feelings being hurt is like the least

productive thing that you can do. And it also is like, oh, now this person probably won't talk about their feelings because their feelings mean that other people are mad at them. So I just feel bad. I kind of understand where the writer's coming from because it was like her boyfriend's birthday party and then lane is crying at her friend's birthday party when she wasn't the only single person there so if it's somebody else's birthday party it can be distracting and yeah i just feel bad when people cry it makes me also make me uncomfortable that's me writer number four versus sister's friend finding their only fans and sharing it with the writer's sister who's wrong.

11% said the writer's wrong. 89% said the sister's friend is wrong. It seems about right. A lot of people agreed with us where it was like, you took it too far. A smidge, a smidge too far. But if this person hadn't done what they did first, then it would have never happened.

Exactly, exactly. Okay, then drum roll, please. The wrong of the week. the labrant family 99 said the labrant family is wrong and one percent said the labrant family is not wrong i was gonna say it was one percent someone wrote on the instagram post unfollowing now so not sure why you were here to begin with but great bye also made me laugh so much i'm like how whoa like this is like actually the least surprising take of ours like this like really aligns with everything we've ever said and i'm like again how did you how what like how did you

get here and how have you remained here part of me thinks that they were just never around and yeah but i going through having some seeing some um philippians is that what it's called flip it no the the bible thing philippians what context i mean philippians is in the bible but Like in their bio where it's like Philippians, like 916. Gotcha. Philippians. Seeing some of those things, I'm like, hmm. And then I look and then those similar people, those people also then voted that you were wrong for calling out homophobia.

And I'm like, hmm, I see. You're one of those. And in the quotations, Christians. Quotations. So that was funny. Did they have the same or the same people voting for this one? Wrong in the weak state of Texas for charging a woman with a quote unquote self-induced abortion. Ninety nine percent said Texas is wrong.

One percent said Texas is not wrong. Yep. So there was a common thing there. But I think it's also like I think if you have such corrupt and violent moral or in a lack of moral belief system, like are completely corrupt one. you tend to kind of in order to consume entertainment and content that's not just your echo chamber you kind of have to be someone who enjoys arguing with people and enjoys being like the contrarian and so i think that that's potentially why some of those people maintain listening because they just like are fueled on hating what we say but just can't be good for

the complexion you know I like to do things that I enjoy personally me too I don't know I also like maybe you're not that staunch in your belief system if you're constantly listening to people talk about having completely opposite belief system than you so maybe they're warming up to it maybe okay so should we get into our first segment which is but am I wrong where we each will say something that's happened in our life recently and propose to the other one to see if we were in the wrong or not, or just a hot take. So mine is a hot take. This was inspired by Hank Greens. He did a TikTok about this a couple of weeks ago, and it's really about like the climate change doomsday things. And this was something that has also come across in what I've done like Q&As on

instagram but it's the doomsday climate change point of view is just kind of a gateway to like eco-fascism and the casual conversation around the planet is going to die in x amount of years don't have kids anyone who has kids is selfish and all of that is just essentially saying fuck it to all of the progress that we have made and all of these things and that was like hank's point like he really like drove home all of these statistics and things about how he's like I've been working fighting against climate change like for 15 years and to see these young people come in there and say, well, it's too late when it's not, you're giving up on all this work that all of these people have done. And the rhetoric in eco-fascism is like even a quicker gateway to

like eugenics. And that's something that I don't think a lot of people are recognizing or realizing is that there are people who dedicated their entire careers to educating people on climate change and doing all of that and we talk about how which is completely true is how corporations are the biggest ones at fault for this and we need them to change their practices and there is no ethical consumption under capitalism yeah i think that yeah yeah that's the same that's completely true and completely valid and fair but when we take any of the onus off ourselves for things that we could do and we could change and then we rely solely and explicitly only on these organizations what happens is that we don't put those pressure on those organizations because

when in reality like we should be writing senators we should be writing the government like we should be doing all of those things and then the small things that we can make changes in our lives like yes don't buy into this carbon footprint which apparently i would need to fact check this but apparently uh carbon footprint was like a term created by one of like the car manufacturers to kind of like put some more of the onus on the consumer versus the corporation so it's like a marketing thing yeah yeah and so that stuff like yes be conscious of those things like don't beat yourself up constantly for feeling like you can never do like you're doing too much and like there's a lot of privilege in sustainability but there's not a lot of discussions around privilege

in the discussions of sustainability, like sustainable clothing and all of that. Everybody's saying that, first of all, if you're a bigger bodied person, thrifting is, what is there is not either cute or just like not accessible. And things like Shein and fast fashion brands, they are more sustainable to people

who are bigger bodied and are lower income. So like you can buy 10,000 Reformation dresses. That doesn't make you more eco-conscious than somebody who's buying like five shirts from Shein and wearing them for like six years. My belief system is like, it's not about what you buy, it's how you buy. And I just think that a lot of these discussions, they're not doing what people think that they're doing. And being someone who's kind of grown up in the climate change activism renaissance, Like I've heard about it my whole life to hear in the last like five years, this really intense defeated point of view is really infuriating and really depressing because there are things that we can do.

And if we just give up and we start villainizing people who have children and saying that there's no conscious way doing all of these kinds of things, it feels kind of like the same pipeline of green juice to QAnon that that rhetoric gets grouped in with eugenics. And then within days, hours, months like that is how the conversation goes. So am I wrong in believing that people, their misguided takes on climate change are far more problematic than people who are buying a couple items of clothing from Xi'an? so i don't think you're wrong um but to fact check you it wasn't developed by a car company but it was developed by some scientists but it was popularized by bp which is a oil company and they've made no attempt to reduce their own carbon footprint but they did it to put the onus on people that regular people as opposed to companies doing it yeah so like the marketing of it that's like the popularization and the marketing of that term so yeah I it sucks because

like I obviously constantly want to learn about new ways that I can be more eco-conscious but when so much of the conversation is dominated by extremists it feels like right now that's kind of like what the goal is that we either have like extreme capitalism or we have like extreme like essentially like ecofascism where then we're not aligned on anything and then nothing's fucking getting done right and the thing is like if we're educating ourselves and then taking part in small practices and you do the next for the next generation then it'll be a little better for them and then the more people and then those people grow up to be the people that are in charge so if you're taking the time to do what you need to do now it can be better in the future

yeah that was what hank was saying he's like the whole thing is is that like it's happening like the the temperatures are rising sea levels all of that he's like but our goal is for it to be as small as possible and we've been able to do that we haven't been able to like really like rein in corporations from doing everything that they could but even with just doing our own personal parts we've been able to change the outcome we're not eradicating it we're just making it better and better and better and better but if we give up it's never going to get better so yeah i don't think you're wrong so what is yours for this week all right so this week mine is infantilizing the elderly and i think it gets done a lot people will like when they're talking

to elderly people they'll like slow down their speech and i'm out i'm not talking i'm talking about as a general thing and not someone that may have like a cognitive something going on cognitively that you do have to talk slower but that can be that's another form of ableism because that could be anyone but generalizing it like slowing down your speech pattern or talking louder when that person may not have a hearing problem also kind of like singing your sentences or treating elderly like children and like holding their hand and like petting it or like treating them like mascots or like saying things like sweetie and honey and using baby talk and going oh my grandma is so cute like this is a grown-ass woman she does not want to be

talked to like a child and mimicked and like even people dressing up as the elderly like they'll dress up their children for Halloween as an elderly person or like dressing up and then going out to a restaurant with your friends. It's mocky and it's bullying. And it's quite frankly, I think it's disrespectful and it dehumanizes the person. And this also can impact people's health. So if you talk to an elderly person like that, it can make cognitive problems, you know, like worse and it could make someone livid and mad and so it's like why why are you treating an old person like they're a kid when they've lived through things and i've also like videos on tiktok where i've seen where people or they'll like post a video of their uh grandparents saying

something that like considered to be like saucy and they're like oh my gosh i can't believe my grandma just said that your grandma had nine kids like your grandma knows grandma fucks yeah like she knows what's going on it's like more in like the time of her growing up saying things like that would have been considered like declassé at the time but like this is a grown-ass woman I know when I'm old I'm gonna sit I'm gonna talk the same way I talk now it's not gonna change so stop that's a good point i've never i i've thought of like some of the things of similarly to kind of how we kind of believe that you're only really a person from a certain age range like you're like 18 to like 50 and then once then like if you're younger than that it's like sweetie it's

unsolicited touching it's all of that so i've thought about that but i haven't thought about it in the sense of like parents dressing their like babies up as old people and that being used as or even when adults dress up or teenagers as like the elderly as like a punchline. And that's supposed to be funny. I never thought about that. I don't think you're wrong at all. I do think it's also a little bit I don't know what the like what the term would be for it, but it feels like we only cast older people as angry and like bigots and like complete pieces of shit, waste of space or the infantilizing like oh my gosh they're so cute and it's super weak like there's just only two things that you can fall into right which I think is really just a really odd concept of

like what that is and I also think that we don't really do that in our I don't know like I think it's like such a public persona like I don't know like when I think of like my grandparents are all like dead but like yeah but like your dad would be considered in that age group and that's not who he is no you'd be like i'll punch you bitch if you fucking said that shit so like i just think that's like super i don't know i think it's super odd because like i don't mean to say this in a bad way at all but like i don't the concept that old people are like so cute is just such a like i i i'm not gonna say i i i liked one of my grandparents and i i loved other ones but like never in my i would have ever considered them cute in it like you know what i mean like it's

just such a weird thing that like part of me wonders like do people who post that actually feel that about their grandparents or is it like this public persona it's like put out there into the world because then call her beautiful yeah it's super weird use child like words to describe and say oh isn't my grandma so cute it's grown as woman yeah you're getting written out of the will like yeah it's weird it's very weird you're not wrong at all it's a great thing i mean not this is a great thing but a great time to bring up i truly haven't thought about it in depth i can't wait to just be like i'm gonna yell i think i'm gonna be one of those old people and i'll be fun yeah so now let's get into but are you wrong this is where you send us your submissions

to but am i wrong pod at gmail.com keep it under 300 words and let us know as many details as possible so we can accurately and thoroughly read you if you need to be read or if not be your personal hype team. Okay. Everyone involved is 24. I'm going on vacation with two friends. Let's call them Nikki and Kate. We have a fourth friend named Dan that will be nearby while we're away. We invited him to join us for a few days for my birthday. Nikki and I are going to share a bed and Dan and Kate want to each have their own bed because that's what everyone's comfortable with. Dan did not like any of the Airbnb options we found. Most of the Airbnbs had two bedrooms plus a pullout couch. Kate said that she had no problem sleeping on a pullout. Dan was complaining though

and asked that instead we search for apartments that have three bedrooms, not three beds. Every place we found with three bedrooms was at least twice the price. I wrote in the group chat, so far I like option one the best because it was affordable. This really upset Dan and he replied,

so you're going to sleep on the couch? I decided to match his energy and playfully wrote, I think you're forgetting whose birthday it's going to be. To which he replied, I literally booked a flight to see you. Nikki and Kate both felt like he was being unreasonable and Nikki responded and told him to stop acting like he was doing us a favor for coming on the trip.

It was an invitation, not a request. I said that just because it's my birthday, I'm not demanding that anyone sleep on a pullout. Dan told us to calm down and said he didn't think we would be so sensitive, to which I replied, I think you're being sensitive because your poor little back can't handle a pullout couch. He left the group chat. Am I wrong? Yes.

I think you're super wrong. And I say this as somebody who has planned a lot of like birthday trips and has gone away on a lot of birthday trips and specifically has friends with like chronic illnesses, friends with bad backs, and also friends who fly in who I will invite with a no strings attached invite to fly in if they want to come to my birthday. But when you plan a birthday trip, it's not really about your birthday it's about a trip with your friends and I think that yes an invitation is not a request but you you don't invite someone to have a lesser experience than the others and like I looked at places when we were going for my birthday trip to Palm Springs that like

some that had like pullouts or stuff like that that I would like look into and be like no this isn't going to work but then the thing that like if you're going on a trip with people you have to give people like the agency to choose like what they are comfortable spending their money on because like unless you're covering the cost for everyone and they can come and go as they please and like they don't have to stay there but like this is the house that you're renting come visit for a couple days if you want to and you have no expectations for people but if people are spending their own money they don't have to like sacrifice their comfort levels and i do think it is kind of like insulting when you expect that from them and or then just don't invite them you know like I

just think that like or you say hey this is what I'm booking the only thing that here is a pullout couch if you want to come I totally understand if you don't but I just think that and the whole like ganging up on mentality I think the order of operations here was wrong I think that y'all should have had the place in mind before he booked his flight and then that would have helped but I think there are two wrongs here I don't think in either one of you were in the right I think you were both wrong I think one like for example if we use your birthday trip there was a master bedroom that was exponentially better than the rest of the bedrooms it was a really nice house but the master bedroom was nicer and by default that was your room because

that's your birthday. So yes, I get that you as the birthday person don't want to use, don't want to have the pullout couch. But also if I'm flying in, I, Melissa, have a bad back. I cannot sleep on a pullout couch and being on a plane is going to make my back worse. So like if I'm flying in, I don't want to sleep on the pullout couch. I'm not going to. It's going to make my experience worse but also when you go on trips like this like you have to have the expectation that you don't have to but I would say the expectation is like the place that you're staying if you want better accommodations it might be out of other people's budget so if the person that's booking it the stuff is out of everyone's budget then I understand why you were mad about that but also

if Dan had a problem with it, that Dan and Dan could afford to spend more money on this, then Dan could go get his own place. If that was the biggest thing, I'm not saying that that's ideal, but like if the place that you're booking is out of everyone's budget and Dan is flying in and doesn't want to sleep on the couch, then, you know, you have to make other accommodations for yourself if that those accommodations don't match yours yeah I do think though it's the inviting process like I think if you can only afford a place that has like three bedrooms like you said like you there needs to be like an explicit conversation before anybody is financially on the hook and so if you're only affording a place that has three beds not three bedrooms

and other people aren't comfortable like sharing a bed or like sharing a bedroom that needs to be something that influences before you you've booked and before this stuff has like happened because yeah i think that like i also wonder so if he pulls out and he doesn't come and then it's three of you splitting this cost for this current place like did you are you did you factor in like him does it's everyone's individual piece that portion they're paying up was it dependent on the fact that you had four people and now that it's only going to be like it was like well then let's increase it and it's like well no that's going to be twice as much and then I get the whole like invitation versus like request like it's not a demand but I think that this could

have yeah the order of operations you're right PEMDAS this like this should have not you should have all been on the same page before anyone had any money put into this and I also think that if you're going to do something like this and someone is going to need to sleep on a pullout I think that the way to go about that, if someone's going to be receiving lesser accommodations, is to propose that to like before anyone has committed to anything, because that's like that changes like that changes. If you want to do something like that, you want to spend your vacation time and spend your money on that, because that's not how you would book your own individual trip. But I will say, I think the conversation in the group chat was like definitely

out of pocket yeah on both ends yeah I think you're both in the wrong yeah I think you're both in the wrong but I do think that you writer you had the power to avoid this situation so like I think his I think his response and reaction could have been better but I think that your actions and your that's what started this and so I think that like you had the power to kind of avoid this. So I would say that personally, I think you are more wrong. And as somebody who loves their birthday, I will just also add that like you can love your birthday, but I kind of think that it's like similar to like weddings and that stuff where it should be fun for everyone involved and not like an obligation. And like you will have the most fun when everybody is having

fun and like everybody is happy and like that is the burden that is on the host that like if that's not something that you're into then I would just change how you operate with your birthdays and like who you invite and then invite people who are just whatever you say goes and whatever you want and all of that stuff because planning trips with lots of personalities can be hard and it doesn't really matter some people really care that it's your birthday other people won't and we can't really as someone who loves their birthday like you can't really expect other people to care about your birthday as much as you do and sacrifice things because it's your birthday again i say this is a leo who an august leo who loves her birthday all right next one yeah hi megan and

melissa anonymous writer me 21 years old female may fake name 21 year old female she her amy fake name 20 year old female she her may amy and i have a group chat may has an eating disorder and depression and depression she uses our group chat as an outlet to share how she feels that there's no hope for her and that she can't afford help from what she has told me her family is not financially well off and cannot support her 100 even with insurance she still have to pay more than what she can afford may only text us all her negative feelings things telling us how thin she is it's gotten to a point where she'll tell us how bad her situation is we'll follow up by giving advice or asking her how she feels and she'll respond with saying it's whatever or that she's

fine now she also does not want to do online therapy because it isn't for her but she can't for it help in person. Now Amy has stopped replying because the texts have become too much. Honestly, me too. May texted us saying she understands we don't want to be her friends due to her problems. I texted her back saying I still want to support her but it's hard when all I can do is give the same advice and I'm a busy student. She says she just wants friends who listen not give advice. Did I go about this appropriately? Is she trauma dumping? Am I being a bad friend. I am sensitive, but if I'm wrong, I need to hear it. I think that it's complicated and I don't think that what you did was necessarily wrong. There's only so much that people can hear

before it starts affecting you. Like for instance, I had someone that would call me all the time and would say, and all they would talk about would be things that they were going through, wouldn't ask me how I was doing. And it was too much for me to bear. It was too much for me. And they also like didn't want to want advice. And I would ask them, do you want advice? Are you just sharing the things that you're going through? And they'd say, I'm just sharing things I'm going through. So I wouldn't give advice. I'd let them dump. But then it became too much for me. It was too much for me to take in. And you're friends, but you're not a therapist. And I know she can't for therapy but you did say there were options and she doesn't want to take those so the options

are there you're not a professional you this is too much for you to bear maybe explaining to her these things also there's support groups online there's books that she can read there are other things that she can do that are less expensive and it's not your responsibility as her friend to be her sounding board yeah i agree with all of that like this is trauma dumping and you are not trained to take this in and that's not a prerequisite to friendship like again there's like a reason why therapists exist and mental health professionals exist it doesn't mean they're all great and they're all wonderful but they have the training to be able to hear this and And I'm sure therapists take some things with them, but they they have been doing the work and again, the education and the credentials to be more equipped to handle this than any other like than any just like friend.

and so yeah I think that's the explanation that you give because I think her being like well I get it it's my problem it's like no it's not your problems it's just I'm not equipped to handle this stuff and I take it with me every day and this is obviously way harder for you and this is really tough but I also don't think that your goal is to make my life hard too like I don't think that that's what your goal is and I completely understand that like this is like what you need and like what you want but like that's not what like a friendship is and I can't provide that to you and it's also when you're going through something like that like telling your friends like absolutely everything I think that like there needs to be a conversation about

boundaries on both ends of like what your friends are comfortable hearing and what you are comfortable telling your friends because when you don't have a mental health professional there inadvertently no matter if you're saying you just want to vent and you're just talking like friendship you put a lot of onus on your well-being onto other people and other people you take up a lot of bandwidth in their brain of worrying that they are responsible for your well-being and that is something that is really hard for just everyday people because you don't necessarily have the resources to know like what's something that I should alert if it's too much who should I be caught like talking about your life with your friends is very different than trauma dumping

yeah and that's exactly what it is and I think that like there's a way to go about these conversations that are like delicate so it's recognizing that they're going through a lot And it's like you aren't your problems. And I also don't think that like the things you're going through, like make you a bad person or that's the reason why I don't want to be like friends with you. But I'm just saying I need to set a boundary and pull away because I'm not a therapist. I can't emotionally handle taking all of this on. And I want to be able to remain a friendship with you, like have a friendship with you. So like I would love if we can sit down and like schedule like can lay out some clear boundaries because I want to be there for you. But I need to do that in the capacity that I can. like there's only so much I can do and I want to be able to do that for you and if we continue at the rate that we're going I'm gonna burn out and I'm not gonna be able to do anything and that's not what I want like I want to help you and I want to be there for you but there's a way to do that where I'm not hurting myself and I hope that you understand that and that you want to come to like an outline or a conclusion of what these boundaries are for us to kind of adhere to but yeah that's

it's it's hard and when you're at like a really dark place like not wanting to get help like it's it's people have to want to get the help like for themselves but if someone choosing not to get help and not to do any of that it's not your responsibility to sacrifice like your well-being because in the kindest way possible you're also not helping them like when you're trauma dumping on other people like that's not actually being productive like that's not helping anyone and so you don't need to sacrifice your well-being because what you're sacrificing isn't doing really anything for her and i don't mean that in like a negative way at all but yeah because you're just hearing her problems and why is she doing that as opposed to like if she

just wants to get the thoughts out there then she could record herself talking she could type if she's sending things in a text message she can type them up and have them for her but now she's involving you and that's not good for your own mental health so time for a break okay we will be back and we are back get into the rest of it hi megan and melissa this story involves me 26 she her and my boyfriend he him 28 we've been together for three years my dad passed away suddenly and my boyfriend has been a tremendous support system through it all however after he passed my boyfriend and I had to go over to my father's home to get his dog. However, when we were there, my boyfriend and I were in my dead father's kitchen and my boyfriend proceeded to eat my

dad's leftovers that were still in the fridge. It was a really long and emotional day and I snapped asking why he would share a plate of my dead father's dinner. He said it was going to waste anyways and I'm being dramatic. Am I wrong for being upset by this and thinking it's strange? Thanks so much. Love you guys. I don't think you're wrong at all. I think that there's like this to me is like the clear depiction of logic pragmatism versus emotion and so yes logically the food is going to waste he's hungry why not eat it but this is like grief we're talking about so like the approaching grief with a like cut and dry logic brain approaching grief in general is that is laid out by the person who's grieving and like the people who are around like that's

what you are there to help for but I think that I don't know I mean I think that like he's super wrong for being like you're being really like this is really dramatic because like this is it's not dramatic this is traumatic like you're going through a really traumatic period and in a year from now would you have maybe have been like you know what like the food thing that was like not maybe a huge deal but also like there's a lot of like cultural things in grief that like we don't all necessarily align through like everybody's belief system so I think in general going into someone's fridge and just like eating food is like rude and I think being like well whatever he's dead essentially is kind of a very callous way to look at it and I think if that was

something that you wanted to do and I think it's valid if someone else would have been like yeah go for it eat it but I think you have to ask questions especially when you're in like your partner's like recently deceased parents home that like you are there to like aid in them getting through this time period and like it's not to make anything harder and I just think that I don't think it was illogical but I think it was like disrespectful yeah for all we knew it could have been like you know he goes over your dad's house and looks through the fridge all the time and he eats the food that's there. I don't think him actually eating the food was the problem.

It was his response to your issues with him eating the food. Because like if he would have taken the food out, started eating it and you said, hey, please don't do that. Like this is like, it symbolizes like taking, it's essentially symbolizing like this was something that my dad had for nourishment. He's no longer here and now you're taking that away.

and so if he would have been like I totally understand sorry I don't think that you would have been writing in I don't think it would have been an issue it's the way that he went about it so I don't think you're wrong grief triggers things in us that we probably wouldn't even normally be upset about it's just that this is new this is freshly heard also he doesn't know how long the food's been sitting in the fridge either but it was just the way that he went about responding and so yes he's wrong by the way that he responded yeah and the way he responded that makes me like it does make me question like is this something you do often because this feels odd and i also think like not to make a trivial aspect of it but like i think and i i don't mean

this to be funny at all but i'm like what if you wanted those leftovers like i just think in general it's rude to kind of like take things and assume that they are yours to take and that like you have like equal like rights to like deserve it like you deserve this food just as like much as it's not your house like it's not any of that kind of thing and like the assumption behind it it was so clear that that was the wrong assumption and if you've been dating for that long I don't know I just think that like the response was like so he's been a tremendous help but like that response to me is like so callous and like so mean and something that is like you said like I think he was operating from his logic brain but then as soon as you said that if it was just the logic

brain it would have been oh my gosh you're right I'm so sorry like that was I should have asked like that was like super callous of me like I'm you're right I'm so I'm so sorry but the defensiveness and calling you dramatic to me that's like a big red flag yeah I'm sorry that is nothing is harder than when you're going you're grieving and like the people and people make it harder for you so you are not wrong yeah all right here's the next one hi I know I'm wrong but I need to be put in my place. Okay. I love that. I, she, her have a crush on my co-worker Alan. He, him. I started this job January, 2021, and we started friendly messaging after about three months when another co-worker went on sick leave due to too high workload. And me and Alan

were tasked with picking up the workload. The friendly messaging stayed friendly, but turned into a lot over the course of about two months, like 100 messages a day, plus talking at work. One day he stops talking to me, didn't even greet me at work and only spoke to me if he absolutely had to. So he went from being overly friendly to a bad coworker, considering I needed him for training since I was still pretty new in my job. Today, Alan is professional and polite. I have admitted to myself that it wasn't just friendly and he probably stopped talking to me because he felt the same way the feelings are a problem because i am 28 and he is 46 and he has a wife and kids i currently have intrusive thoughts about sleeping with him but i'm not gonna unless

he makes the move i'm moving away but i think it's a good conversation starter about emotional cheating. I think it's up to every couple to decide what they're okay with when it comes to crushes. So I always try to follow his lead for our friendship. He always messaged me first in the beginning. Once he stopped talking to me, I respected that because I assumed it had to do with his wife or his own feelings towards me. I don't feel like I've been in the wrong for the amount of engagement I've had in this. I think you've been in a wrong the whole time, regardless of the engagement. I think you both are in the, were in the wrong. It's not just him or just you, but having this kind of, you said it's emotional cheating, having this kind of relationship

with a coworker is, even if he wasn't married, is inappropriate. And then you add on the fact that he's married and has children and is your superior and is 20 years older than you. Those are all issues in themselves. And so he, as the older person, as the supervisor, should have never let it get to this to begin with, but you also shouldn't have engaged. And I understand And when you're in that situation, at first, it might have just seemed like two co-workers venting. But you didn't go into details, but I feel like it got deeper than that. You guys not just talking about work and maybe I mean, not maybe he did take advantage of the situation, but you also didn't back off. Yeah. I also want to correct you. Those are not intrusive thoughts that you're talking about.

And that's like very invalidating to people who like actually get intrusive thoughts. intrusive thoughts are unwanted thoughts that can be incredibly distressing and you having intrusive thoughts about having sex with him when you would have sex with him is not that's that's not what an intrusive thought is because you said that if he made the move first then you would do it intrusive thoughts is you don't want to have sex with him but your brain is telling you but you're like no i absolutely won't you will well an intrusive thought is walking on a bridge and being like i'm gonna i like want to jump off it um intrusive thought is um someone wanting to harm their child like an intrusive thought is like but they're not actually

wanting to harm their child if they are afraid that they are going to do that and that they're an intrusive thought it's telling them to do that but they're like you're fighting against it so like this is not here and you don't have a fear because you're having a fantasy this is not an intrusive thought so that got me a little heated but yeah I think that this this whole like I don't we don't owe anyone shit I don't know any owe anyone anything he's the one in the relationship so yeah he is the one more at fault but you can't operate along the lines of like I'm gonna go with whatever he like everyone has their own boundaries and their own relationship kinds of things so like i'm just gonna go based off of like his behavior that is a horrible way to

operate in this world yeah like if we're gonna go based off of like the worst person's behavior as the barometer for like what is morally sound no like it's just it's completely fucked like you need to have your own moral compass and you need to decide like yes i think that people no i think people also use this like use open relationships and monogamy um or and non-monogamy as it's like who knows maybe they're in an open relationship yeah then it's your responsibility to ask and if they're in an open relationship if they're doing it ethically they're going to be up front with you about it if he's being secretive about it then that's not how open relationships should work no you don't get to be like well maybe he's in an open relationship is his responsibility to

tell me and I'm going to assume that he is even though he's never told me and I've never asked like that's no because you have to under like you to take it back to kindergarten you have to treat people how you would want to be treated and this playing that ignorance is bliss like I don't know anything like I'm just going to pretend that this is all fine and whatever you would never want someone else to do that to you you would never want that and like I also like really strongly believe that I don't know if I want to call it like quote unquote mistress culture or whatever was like created by the patriarchy where women like don't owe women other shit where it's like I think that like yeah men shouldn't cheat on women but I also think as women we shouldn't be

like well fuck her like well fuck her I don't owe her shit he owes her something so then why are you into a guy who's treating another woman like shit like it's just this like the patriarchy has like found a way for men to get away with treating their like committed partners like shit because we told that the people that they're seeing on the side that they don't owe that woman anything and like yes at the end of the day he is the one who is most at fault but you assume that fault and you assume that responsibility and if you're not going to make your due diligence before making a decision or before interacting with something like we do that with everything in our lives like we research ahead of time like you know i mean like you read a you're hiring a handyman you read

a review you do all of that but like you need to be able to do that in emotional relationships as well and like when we don't do that it's because we know that we're not going to like what we find and so then you just have to own up to the fact that like this is what i did and yeah i i think that he owed it to himself and to his partner to like not emotionally cheat but you also owed it to everyone including yourself to not participate in something that was not like ethically or morally sound and wasn't laid out with boundaries there like it doesn't make your your hands aren't clean and no one's hands are clean in these situations just because you didn't explicitly ask so you didn't explicitly know and then also on top of that when he either i'm guessing he got caught

or he came to his senses but i'm guessing he got caught he put up boundaries even if he didn't verbally say them he stopped communicating with you in the same way and it took a moment for him to you know find the balance but it seemed you said that he wasn't talking to you and that was unprofessional but now you're like he's being polite in a professional way but you didn't even like he put up the boundaries and like now you're like oh i'm about to move so i want to jump on his dick before i move no like he put the boundaries up he has said no without saying no and you're still fantasizing not having intrusive thoughts fantasizing about what would happen if he came to you it's wrong yeah you haven't taken any of this time to like self-reflect or like realize the role

that you played like you're just offensive and thinking that you didn't play a role in any of this and like he's not putting the blame on you like he is creating these boundaries and like you said like you're looking at them like a personal attack and you're like well I didn't do anything well like well clearly this relationship was not not okay and I also think if he was like then became a bad co-worker tough shit like you both participated in this and like therefore you both suffer the consequences of this but like you haven't done any reflection on this at all and if you don't do that you're going to keep ending up in these situations right I don't feel like I've been in the wrong for the amount of engagement I've had in this

no you're completely wrong you said you started this off by saying I know I'm wrong but I need to be put in my place no you know that what you did was wrong but you're not actually applying that because you don't think you're wrong for what you did what you did was wrong so you contradicted yourself so you need to sit with that and also think about how you're gonna continue to be professional with other people as you because you're still very young in your career think about that like think about how when you move how you're going to communicate with your other co-workers is how when you're in a position where you're the senior person on the team,

how you're going to communicate when, you know, things get heavy at work and then you're leaning on someone else. Keep your personal relationships out the workplace because you don't understand boundaries. No, and you're saying that like it's up to every couple to determine like what they consider emotional cheating.

There are three people in this situation. What's up to you? What onus do you have? What responsibility do you have? where is your moral compass with this like where what are your boundaries because like you don't know both of them you only know one of them and like so emotional cheating that's not an open relationship like that's not like that's not ethical non-monogamy it's nothing like that so if having sex was what he was like no that's that's the whatever emotional but where's yours

where do your boundaries lie because i think that like not to pull out like the age old like how you get them is how you lose them kind of thing. But I think that like how you are willing to treat other people gives other people an invitation of how they can treat you. Right. So do better. Realize what you did. All of it. All of it was wrong. Take responsibility because you're taking zero and think about that as you continue working in your profession and therapy. Like I cannot stress enough if you are seeking out these kinds of emotional tumultuous relationships that are fucking up someone's marriage there are kids involved there's a huge age gap there is a power imbalance it's happening at your workplace like you are you are making chaos in your life like

you are creating obstacles and hardships and difficulties in your life and like like doing all of those in one fell swoop like that is a cry for like you need some professional intervention and help with this because there's something, I don't mean this in a, I get whatever, but like I've been someone who has, I've, I've sought out, I've like had shitty relationships. Like I've put myself in situations like that. That's not like a, Oh, we all deserve how other people treat us or whatever. But when you seek out emotionally unfulfilling and toxic relationships, there's an issue there. Like happy people don't do that. Happy people do not seek out relationships that hurt them like intentionally and this on paper logically this is textbook this is going to hurt

me and again i say this from someone who's been there who has sought out those relationships like we do not do that when we are okay and like it's only going to get worse until you take a step back and you get some help and whatever that means whether that's books whatever you recognize the root cause of this and you work on yourself because you are just going to hurt everybody but the person you're going to hurt the most is you doing this over and over and over again you are going to hurt you so much and you're going to be hurting all these other people and at the end of the day this will not bring you or lead you to happiness it's just going to make you hate yourself right all right all right all right all right so what's our next segment our next segment is

but are they wrong? And that's when we take something from the world, from pop culture, from anything in the zeitgeist that's going on. And we name our person, a.k.a. Rachel of the Week, a.k.a. Wrong of the Week, a.k.a. Asshole Who Has Done Something Controversial. Who's your pick? I first want to say that we've gotten tagged hundreds of times in this TikTok that someone made um about how Rachel is the new Karen and I would just like to know if that person listens to our podcast yeah because it feels so specific yeah we've been saying it for months probably a year at this point yeah like Rachel has been that bitch and like I'm just so curious if anybody like if she like listens because like it feels like so specific okay so I would like to nominate a TikTok

creator named Tinks. T-I-N-X. Tinks is a TikTok creator who I heard about because I had a friend who was like absolutely obsessed. And I watched one of her videos and her claim to fame was doing these like, quote unquote, rich mom starter packs. And it would be these TikToks like the rich Brentwood mom. Like she goes to Palisades Village. She does bar every weekend. She's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Actually, she talks a lot slower than this. But I'm dipping into my typical TikTok voice. So she would just talk about this like rich mom starter pack. This is what she wears. This is what she does. And you might find this insulting if you liked her content. But I will just say that I think if you are over the age of 25 and you watch this content and you felt

duped, that is kind of on you because all of her content from the start has been an incredibly privileged wealthy woman making content pretending that she is an outsider but talking about insider information into like these very rich social circles and so she has like rich mom merch like all of this like rich mom things and she talks about it as if she's giving like social commentary when she knows this because this is her circle like she's like wearing these 700 Zimmerman dresses but she's like talking about this content as if she is the audience and like they're both they're laughing at this exuberance and this luxury when she's like just actively participating in it which is like it's very obvious but I found out that she when my friend was like very into

her stuff that she's in her 30s which was like kind of a shocker to me because the stuff that she talks about is like 2014 toxic like diet culture shit and like things that like i don't want to equate that with like youth how did you think i hadn't seen her before i just like heard about these things that she was like this woman looks i know i know i know i know no but she was like recommending these like diets and like all of these things that like to me scream my brain isn't fully developed. And this is like, it just screams susceptible to diet culture and celebrity and all of this stuff, which is usually happens when you're, you're younger and you've lived a little bit less life. And then I started like, again, like looking at some of this content and

here's a little bit of tea. I will just say, I know somebody who is in her social group and her circle. And that told me everything I needed to know. It was one of those, oh I told my friend I was like I would stop watching like if this person is in this group with this person like no and so she has kind of branded herself as like the TikTok big sister she gives like lots of advice and I will own up to the fact that I am exceptionally critical of people who give advice online because that is what we do and not from a competitive nature of it just from a responsibility nature because what you see people answer when they're giving advice is the questions and the things that they've chosen but like the things that people entrust

us with and will message us about or and not just message like we'll call into the podcast about we'll write in about that the stuff that we also choose not to answer because we don't have the capacity to like help people in that sense when you are giving advice it lends people to sure a trauma dump, but also like really open up to you. And so you understand what a responsibility you have, even if you choose not to answer those questions. Like even if you choose to answer the frivolous ones, you know that people are entrusting you with like really personal things. So she has this Reddit account. Well, it's not her. She has a subreddit about her called Tink's Snark. And they had basically uncovered they were a group of people, specifically women, young women,

who had felt that her content was promoting eating disorders, was promoting substances, binge drinking, and just a lot of like really problematic behavior. And they had also found a lot of her old tweets. And so then there was an article that came out with all of her old tweets and they are so bad. And so when I say old, they start, I think at 2014, but they go all the way up to 2020, which are not old. And so they range from being wildly fat phobic to xenophobic, COVID denying. And then she interviewed Dr. Fauci for TikTok. So the whole thing that has been the biggest thing blowing up is that she's kind of essentially led her audience to believe that she is super liberal. She's a leftist, like she is pro mask mandate, pro science, all of this,

that she's super body positive, super inclusive. And then all of these things come out about her calling other women ugly. Trigger warning for fat phobia here. She says fat people at Coachella, LOL, is talking about like, I don't know how Kim Kardashian, like I can't live with myself. Kim Kardashian is so fat. Like just all of this shit that doesn't match up with how she's branded herself online. And so she got called out for this and she just addressed it in the only thing she addressed was the very old tweets. And she mentioned Kim Kardashian by name about being like she's actually my hero. And she chalked all of this up to being young and insecure and in her 20s, like in her early 20s when these things were happening. But she didn't recognize any of the

xenophobia, didn't recognize any of this stuff. And she's still participating in calling women ugly today and like still doing this stuff. And there's been a lot of other TikTokers who've come out and said that like, she's just like really not a good person. And she's like very cruel and like very mean. And, um, she liked this comment about this other TikToker. Someone commented on Tink's video and said, you are everything that Audrey Peters wishes she could be. And Audrey Peters is a different content creator who's younger than her and a smaller creator. And she reached out to Tink's and was like, Hey, I saw you liked this comment about me. This like really hurt my feelings. Um, and it was like on Christmas and she was like, Merry Christmas. Like, I just

wanted to say that, like, I don't know if I've done anything. Like I've always really looked up to you i don't think they'd like ever even met at that point and she's like if there's something that i did like i would love to know because like i really do look up to you and really respect you and i would love to apologize and like do better if i like have hurt you and it seems like i really have and i i would please give me the opportunity to change and tinks read the message and blocked her and i don't know much about this audrey peters person or whatever and so like it's not saying that that person is wonderful and great and all of that, but it's just super abundantly clear that there is a lot of malice towards other women specifically from her. And I think that

digging up people's old tweets and looking through all of that stuff, I don't want to say that I think it's okay that people, we've said things. And I think all of us at some point or other, whether we said them online or we said them in real life or we thought them in our heads. I don't think it was ever OK to say those things. I think in general, the jokes we see being made on television have changed. And there are some things that we watch like, wow, these have aged poorly. And I think a lot of times we a lot of us were raised by television, raised by media. And there wasn't a lot of intervention by parents or older adult figures who are able to course correct in the things that were not politically correct that were being said. But I do think there's a

very distinct difference between someone who used dated terminology or made some jokes that were like really cruel and horrible and have since changed or grown from them. And also, I think ones that are targeted at groups of people using the excuse that there was like self-hatred there I think is a really manipulative excuse because I think there are tons of men and women, non-binary people who deal with body image issues and eating disorders. And it does not make how you treat fat people. That's not an excuse to that at all. I've said this before, but I think when people use like the, I'm, I'm only fat phobic to myself, that's fat phobia that happens. And it try it goes along to everybody else because like you're being bigger bodied as like something that

is bad and that can not only apply to you because inherently that is equating with fat with bad and yeah she didn't address like any of this stuff and reading through the subreddit I would urge people like just know that there's like a lot of specific talks of like things that she has said and done about like promoting eating disorders and like it just makes me like so mad and so upset and that is like that's an evil person like that to me is like an evil person because if you are struggling with your body image you don't want everyone else to that's no like you you do not want that and as a creator that to me just is like that's malicious like that's so malicious and fucked up yeah i other than like casually hearing about her i haven't i don't know anything

about this person i don't know who she is and so i just just in reading her while you were talking I did like a quick reading of her and just in reading her apology that seems very genuine but when you add in what you said about the other things that she said recently because I didn't this doesn't address any of the recent things if I was a newcomer coming in and just seeing that apology I would think oh okay she seems remorseful she acknowledges what she did was wrong she talks about very specific examples and talking about herself. She took responsibility for what she said. But then you add on these recent things that just, I wouldn't say it completely invalidates because, you know, maybe she actually is remorseful and regrets those things that she said. But

if she's still sticking with that in current times, then that's not an actual apology. You're just apologizing about those very specific things you did 10 years ago and like the only person you're name dropping in this is kim kardashian like and then she on her story someone said please just address the 2020 tweets so she's her pr move has been i guess she does like a ama on instagram every monday and so that's how she's choosing to respond to these things is in an ama which goes, she says in 2020, I was in the same scared and wildly disruptive place. We all were, I was confused, frustrated, depressed, and anxious scrolling through the internet, looking for any type of a pre or explanation, anything that would for a split second,

take any of those emotions away. It isn't a satisfying answer to say I wasn't thinking clearly when I liked those tweets, but it is the truth. And to think that something as small as a like, or a retweet one mindless click could have been added to the horrific sentiment that also arose when not forever had, and will have an impact on so many. I am just completely horrified to think that my emotions and complete aimlessness could have contributed to that in any way. I should have actually spent the time looking into it all before engaging with something unfactual or worse hurtful, regardless of what was unclear at the time. Now tell me, what do you think that's about? She wasn't specific. No. And that's the thing that you chose that question that says address

the 2020 tweets. There are so many questions that said address the xenophobic 20 address the COVID address. But no, no, no. We're going to be like purposefully obtuse in this conversation. And also So again, that is not taking absolutely any onus where it's like, oh, I didn't think about I didn't think this through. Really? Because you're like very pro Boris Johnson. Like you're liking all of these tweets constantly. Like this has been over the course of years and months.

And a lot of like the rhetoric online has people been just being like, just be you and go for it. Like be if you're a bitch and you are like and I actually don't say bitch because I usually use that term endearing. If you are a mean girl and you are conservative, you are Republican, just be that. But like trying to cause play as something that you are not in order to like obtain an audience. She gives me like the conservative girls who move to L.A. and want to have like a gay friend in WeHo vibes. It gives me that. It gives me like I'm using marginalized groups who can become my fans and like I can be the queen and like, oh, my gosh, like, yes, girl, like I can use the terminology that they're using and I can be like, oh, my God, I'm the queen of the gays.

I'm a we ho girly. You are using these groups of people and then you are actively voting against their rights and you are only using them when it comes to your own self-righteous image. And I'm here about like the destigmatizing of taking medication. And again, when you make your entire fucking career is like my thing is giving advice, then everything you're saying is advice and less stated otherwise. So when you're doing stuff where it's like it's a bottle of wine and three benzos night. So that's advice. That's advice. Like, I don't think inherently taking medication or talking about how you're on medication is glamorizing medication. there's a way that you end up glamorizing medication and like I think we should all be okay with whatever we need to take but again when your thing is advice and inadvertently you are giving 18 year olds and from this again from this reddit you see these people who are like I

I was following her advice and like I slipped relapse into an eating disorder I developed an eating disorder and like that part makes me sad it makes me sad if that is what you're going through in your private life and not what you are influencing people to do. And like, I would be mortified to call myself the internet's big sister. And like, there's just a responsibility. Like when you're also, when you're going through shit,

like I don't like to talk about shit I'm actively going through until I have anything I can fucking share with you until I have anything that can help. And there are other things that I've never talked about because I'm like, I have nothing. I have no insight. I have no help.

I have no big sister advice to give you. It just makes me mad. Okay, I'm done. All right. Yeah. So my pick for this week is there's this book that was released in February called Bad and Bougie Toward a Trap Feminist Theology. And it was written by this woman named Jennifer M. Buck. And this book engages with the overlap of Black experience, hip hop music, ethics and feminism to focus on a subsection known as trap feminism and constructed trap feminist theology. I mean, you can read more about it. It has one star on Amazon. And you're probably wondering, you know, this sounds interesting. I mean, the book cover has a beautiful black woman on the front of it with a big fro. But Jennifer M. Buck is a white woman. I just had a jump scare when I clicked on because I pulled it up and then I clicked on her jump scare. Yeah. So Jennifer Buck is an associate professor and of practical theology. And she also has a PhD in philosophy of religion and theology from Claremont Graduate University. And she's written other books about reframing the house, constructive, feminist, global, whatever. It's a bunch of bullshit.

and then another one called quaker social work and justice concerned and i mean she is a licensed minister in the quaker church but what does she know about being bad and bougie and a black woman um nothing yeah the black experience hip-hop music ethics what what does she know and so as the black community does this came out and whenever it's not she wasn't hiding being a white woman this actually you know went through publishing they were fully aware that this was being written by a white woman but the only people that have been doing reviews on it are people that work with her at the university that she's at as far as like the reviews that they let through like editorial but of course now it has one star so black twitter found it then like

the los angeles times did a write-up on it and the black woman that actually coined the term trap feminist let me get her name sasali bowen who actually coined this term she did a write-up as well and so it has been taken down and is no longer for sale so my rachel of the week is this very confused very problematic woman jennifer m book did you know that it was published mid-black history month i want to read the amazon description of this trap feminist theology seeks to build an intersectional theology emphasizing women's agency in their bodies and sexuality

while also remaining faithful to the quote-unquote trap context from which they are socially located. Such a project will redefine the quote-unquote trap context from one of marginalization to one of joy and flourishing

within Black feminist theology. Like, what? How? And there's a reason why she didn't put herself on the cover of this book. She did that because she wanted people to think that a black woman wrote this book. I don't even think she probably had any sort of knowledge of the original terminology of like feminism, because I'm like, except for she found the definition because some of the definition is in this summary.

But it doesn't even seem like she's like defining it. But it also doesn't even seem like that aligns with like what she's talking about at all. And it feels like a complete afterthought. And like, I just can't stress enough how racist it is for a white woman to be like, with my book, I'm going to take this term that is coined and applicable to the Black community. And therefore, I deem it as like a bad thing and like something that's marginalized. And with my work, we're going to be reframing this to be Black joy. But also the term Black Feminist, as coined by Ms. Bowen, at its core is how people attempt to celebrate Black women without talking about their lived experiences and copying the aesthetic of like famous people that you see out there like Cardi B and Meg Thee Stallion without giving like credit to that or linking it to their own lives. and so this is like what it like this is the prime example of that exactly like it's just like this is writing a book report when you've never read the book and it's like this is what and that smug author photo of hers also I just I want to say I just hate the cover in the text wise where the and being in italics where it's like that and that's wild I didn't hear about this

wow was it this year yeah this just happened yeah and it just got taken out of publication a couple weeks ago like that's how it like it blew up on twitter on black twitter yeah and then immediately got taken down this was just a couple weeks ago wow wow wow i don't know i i feel like as a white woman maybe it's time for you to maybe you should have just written a book about like feminism in the church if that's what your whole thing is is like theology and religion but like that in itself there's not a lot of discourse about and especially like you could reach if you are a real feminist you could reach these white women as another white woman but like instead you're going to like hop into something that you like literally know nothing about and like target

it towards a community which you are not a part of when your own community is like literally the worst part as a white woman like we are we are the worst so focus on that our camp is on fire let's put this fire out before you're like hello like let me come to these other like right and you know piggybacking off of that that's actually my mother her phd dissertation is actually on black feminists in the church so like this woman could have took the white white woman's side so they could have came at it from two different forces but she decided to get not even like out of her lane but on a completely different highway driving the wrong way yeah like and that's me i'm like you there is nothing the attention is bad and the impact is bad like you're if you're

not going to be self-policing your own community as a white woman like you're diverting your attention somewhere else it's because you're trying to turn a blind eye to like your participation in it yikeroonies okay well that is it for our episode we hope you all enjoyed as always head on over to the instagram account to vote on who you think was wrong in all these situations these episodes go up on thursday we want to give you time to listen so we the earliest we will post the polls will be friday but they will be between friday and monday so you have time to listen and if you can comment on the latest Instagram post who your Rachel of the Week is.

So we're still searching for the opposite of Rachel of the Week for some terminology. So you can also comment that on our Instagram or send us a DM. As always, tag us in things as you see them and that you'd like us to talk about in the podcast or send them to us directly. Anything else?

No, that's it, bro. Okay, bro. We will circle back. May you bro-sit. Goodbye. bye but am i wrong is a production by me megan rinks and me melissa demonts plus diamond imprint productions post-production by coco lorenz and production assistance by melanie d watson