Don't Blame Me! - Riding Tips

Episode Date: February 21, 2022

This week Meghan and Melisa give advice on Update: Moving On In A Relationship Support a friend going through a breakup Partner to listening during sex Sobriety in college Learning to ride Don't Blame Them: Problems with your boyfriend staying hard Buy our merch: https://store.dftba.com/collections/don-t-blame-me Subscribe to our new show: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/but-am-i-wrong/id1591757891 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks https://twitter.com/meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa https://twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa @dontblamemepod https://www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod/ Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone] International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! WeI'll do our best to share our wonderful words of wisdom. If you're under 18, please get your parent's permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can't blame us if we screw up your life. I kid! Our advice IS AMAZING. Want to WATCH this episode as well? Become a patron! https://www.patreon.com/dontblameme Join the Facebook Group! https://www.facebook.com/groups/dbmsecretgroup Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me starring us megan and melissa it is us we are here two of some might say the greatest minds in the world we are philosophers that is my new pet peeve by the way people who put philosopher in their bios and i'm like socrates is that you literally i'm like plato hello plato excuse me like it's just like it's one thing to like declare yourself as an ally it's another thing to declare yourself as a philosopher what new ideas are you bringing what thoughts are you provoking oh oh by the way these aren't profession these aren't people with like a degree in philosophy these are like people who like make videos on tiktok where they talk and i'm like you're a story time well i mean they can

have a degree in philosophy and that's how you're a philosopher but oh no i agree with that but i also do think that's a little much but this one these people aren't like should i put in my butt if i was a communications major do i put my bio i'm a communicator nah like what even if you have like the greatest things that you're saying i just like that the title you can't give yourself and that only happens after you die like i just feel like that's like what happens i don't know if that's true but like that is my view and whatever as one of the greatest minds then you know your view valid how old like when was the era of philosophers like those people like aristotle and shit aristotle was in 384 bc to 322 plato was in no they were around the same time

so like how do we know their names like are there books because they would go and speak and then their stories would get passed down there's an actual word for it though i learned this shit the same time as greek mythology and i was not like because they're they're greek philosophers and we need to be taught they don't separate that some of this is real and some of that's my issue because i'm like all of these sound like the exact same level of plausibility like any teachers who are listening i hope that they have reformulated that curriculum because i walked away from that now as an adult going i don't know which one was real and which one helena troy that was real i thought helena vittroy was real up until like recent times

not now what about the trojan horse it's not real like that shit isn't real fuck that shit fuck that shit fuck that shit like you were not specific enough when you were teaching me this shit that this was real and not like it's just no it's just too fucking confusing and it's also confusing when there's like we set things in this like eras of being like but they didn't have this form of communication or this form or this form we're learning all of this stuff and i'm like So how do we know any of this shit? Like, what do you mean? They're just basically there were stories that were told and passed down.

One thing about like the Greek philosophers, they were like bust made of their faces. So that's what people think may exist. But like it's story. And I can't I don't remember what the word is, but it's a word like they. Someone is like screaming in their car, listening to this, being like, this is the word. But see, my question is, do you think someone played an elaborate prank? and like some of these people weren't real and then it's like no no that was just folklore and then some of those people aren't real at all and it's like no they are real like i just feel like

there is a we don't factor in the possibility when teaching history that we could have been scammed yeah i just think that we need to incorporate more scamming and more wearing of that true i feel like it doesn't need to be stated but i just want to state it at all at any point just to make sure this applies to this this does not apply to the people who are like holocaust deniers and like shit in that time this is about when we didn't have records of shit and like things and none of the people who like lived through that are alive now and we don't have any like and like the fifth grade education this is maybe maybe i need to take this up with my elementary school maybe that's a high possibility what the fuck were these stories called

but it's just i yeah because i think once we get to like the william shakespeare and like you know or like the thomas edison even with shakespeare though there's like a lot of theories that shakespeare's works were written by black women that were enslaved and then he took their works and then like then there's other theories that's like who we consider shakespeare was kind of just like the figurehead of it all but it was a collection of other people's works yeah like the wizard of oz kind of thing it was like he there's a you know man behind there's someone behind the curtain i thought at first you were talking about the book the wizard of oz and i was like i think it was written by one person no i just take up i just have questions and then i

watch things like book of mormon and like everyone's laughing and like that i'm not like pro mormonism or anything like that but i just wonder why are some of these things things that we like question uh as being like these are just these aren't real and why are other things on fucking standardized testing that i need to know as like facts and facts and facts right i have questions well well thanks for coming to our podcast if you have questions about your life then you can call in what a good fucking segue thank you yeah weird advice podcast we give wonderful life-changing amazing advice because we too are philosophers and if you want to call in you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners you can send us an

Audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com. If you have to be 18 or over, have your parents' permission. Include your age, no names. It'll all be anonymous. Include your pronouns if you would like to. And we would appreciate that. And write down everything and practice before you record it. So you can time it out.

Make sure it's under three minutes and you have all of the right information. Because the more information that you give us that is like what we need, the context, the meat of it all, the better advice you will receive. Don't leave out the important stuff. cut out the stuff that's not that important and if you do wonderful that's a good philosophy about life in general are we oh my god and if you do wonderful on all this and you just score aces across the board you can receive a diamond the very coveted diamond from melissa melissa melissa's diamond and that sounds a little sexual great

i don't see what the problem is here for sure for sure i just i went up deflowering i go but that is so pointy and sharp but if you say deflower it it is pointy and sharp but you can i mean look at the one on your hand it's brown and smooth yeah but i would want that my like vagina sounds like a business opportunity for goop i'm waiting waiting waiting waiting truly i feel like we have discussed random shit enough yeah and we can get into the actual episode let's do the uh update oh yeah update you got really excited i forgot all right so in my original call this was would have been back in november i was calling to talk about a very loving amicable breakup that i went through with my partner of like almost six years we had like

recently separated and it was like mutual and I was struggling I guess kind of with like how to move on when you still were in love with somebody and I had just decided that I was going to move across the country so I was wondering kind of how you guys would suggest me moving forward making new friends moving to a city where I don't know anybody and being single for the first time pretty much since I was like 15 things have changed since then and it's so funny because all of my friends are like, there's no wonder why you're calling into that podcast because your life is ridiculous. So essentially, we broke up in my update. I'm very specific about it being November 23rd, 2021. It's a big day to remember that was the official like end of everything.

So we took some space, we were still like keeping in contact sort of I'm really close to his family. So his mom was still reaching out to me like almost every couple of days, to like you know respond to my Instagram stories and whatever I was really close to the sister so she and I were still going to the gym together and keeping in touch and I was keeping it really low-key on social media trying to be respectful assuming that like you know he maybe he's hurting struggling this is not an easy thing to go through and I was doing really well I like I've been going to therapy for a couple of months but I really like kicked it into like hardcore therapy and started really working through my stuff. I was being really adamant about being very social,

seeing my friends doing good by my body and going to the gym. And I'm honestly like when I say I was thriving. I mean, I was thriving. And one day, I just decided, you know what, this healing thing going a little bit too well. And I'm in the mood to hurt my own feelings. Oh, I get there too. It's relatable. Yeah. So I did the thing that you're not supposed to do. And I went to his Instagram followers. and I started creeping a girl it's like my intuition told me like click on her name you're gonna find something so I click on her and she has an open profile and her most recent photo he had liked so I was like it was a photo set so I was like I'm gonna flip through the photo set and

just like see what's up well I did not expect to see what I found and I found a picture of what looked like it was like her standing in front of the mirror taking like a mirror selfie with a boy kind of like wrapped around her like kissing her cheek and this it was the bottom half of his face and it looks suspiciously like my ex-boyfriend and I was just thinking like she posted this on near day there's no way there's no way like that it would have happened that quickly but I did some more creeping and I saw that she had tiktok so I was like I'm gonna check out her tiktok oh no I was met with a video of them making out in our old bedroom so he and I lived together for most of our relationship and it was just like a bold faced video of them making out in our old bedroom

so naturally I had a meltdown and I called all of my friends and I was very adamant with my friends I was like I don't want to talk shit about this girl because first of all not her problem second of all she's a very beautiful girl it's not going to make me feel any better to like speak poorly about her good on you yeah I was like let's direct all the negative energy towards that boyfriend so I said this to my friend and she was like okay I love you and I respect your wishes but I just want to let you know that this girl was born in 2003 I don't know she essentially he's 25 and she just turned 19 in October which like legal yes questionable yeah literally very so I was like oh okay that's kind of like all I needed to know so that's where I'm

at I must say what I didn't include in that call is that I called him immediately and I tried to keep my shit together I was like hey I just was met with a video on TikTok of you making out with a girl in our old bedroom and he like you could hear the panic in his voice he was like um yeah and I was like so do you mean to tell me that this didn't overlap with me at all right and he was like no didn't and I was like okay so a girl is comfortable enough to post photos and videos of you on social media after a month or like where's you know there's a mix-up in communication here somewhere and i feel like i'm not getting the whole story needless to say he did not admit to it being like a crossover of the two of us and i just don't believe him for a second yeah yeah

like right i yeah i think that's valid i think that like there is a universe in which he's telling the truth and there's a universe in which he is lying and you get to live in whatever universe you want to live in like right you know what i mean yeah and i was like he was like it's not like I'm in a relationship with this girl like my parents don't even know about her like nobody knows about her that was gonna be my next question because you said you still talk to his mom and his sister yeah how old is his sister she's 20 she's gonna be 29 does he have any younger siblings no okay it's just the two of them and they live together so like I used to live with the two of them so like she knows about this girl because she's obviously been over at the house which

like makes the whole situation even weirder. So yeah, I was not very kind in that phone call. I did make him cry. Not my proudest moment. That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. But yeah. So have you continued contact with his like family and sister? Have you kind of cut ties more now? So I've muted anybody related to him, including him. I've muted them all on social media but the weird thing is I muted everybody except for his one cousin because his cousin is the funniest guy I've ever met and weirdly enough the night I decided like I went to therapy I talked to my therapist I was like I need to just like cut ties and like forget about trying to be friends with him because clearly like he's disrespecting me yeah that night his cousin

posted that there was like this horrible tragedy in their family so I was like damn like now I have to reach out to him because I'm the bigger person and I feel awful so I reached out to him and he threw this like half-hearted like apology via text and kind of cornered me because I was like what am I gonna do disagree with your apology when you're there's a tragedy in your family no now is not the time and place so that's kind of where we left it weird weird fucking weird yeah that age that age thing because like that the fact that like he's trying to convince you that like it's either brand new and i'm like okay if it is like a brand new thing with this new girl then you have had to pursue her so actively because no 19 year old girl is going to like

suddenly feel like ready to like do it like that is like i don't know i feel like if it's like an older guy that you know what i'm saying he's pursued you so heavily that you don't have a definite relationship that you feel confident enough in all of his actions and everything that he said to post this but does she know that they don't have a definite relationship that's what my question is yeah i think that like he's had to pursue her so hard or say all of the right things to lead up to that like it's just we've we've all been 19 like we like exactly you have probably promised me everything like you said all of the right shit but like yeah you haven't followed through on any of it and the thing was when we like that was another piece

of context that made it into the second call was that he and I broke up officially in July of 2021 I moved out and then we like tried to make it work for from July to November so I was living at my parents' house, seeing him like once a week, sort of. So in that time I was like going to therapy, journaling, going to the gym, like seeing my friends. He was going out with his single friend, exploring his options. So I said, did you meet this girl before you and I officially broke up? He goes, yep. And I said, so was it like a switch up situation? Like you just decided to like you know trade me in and he was like no I met her in a friendly setting meeting what like literally meaning what so yeah I ended up telling him that he just like embarrassed me and that like

he made me feel like a clown and that he should have just told me instead of like letting me find out this way and he was like I knew this would happen like I knew one of us was gonna find out and I was like well if you knew that was gonna happen why did you let her take a video of you guys making out and then post it on tiktok like he was like oh i didn't know and also who the fuck does that i know that's like really embarrassing yeah he was like you know me because he doesn't have any social media he just has a business account and he was like you know me like i don't mess with social media like that i find it cringy and i was like you're right it is cringy i was like imagine you found out about me that way how embarrassed you would be and then

yeah it was just like it was i told them everyone's like their jaw dropped they're like you're kidding and I was like nope imagine dude I mean it shows how much more emotionally mature you are that like you spent all this time doing therapy like everything that you've said is like the definition of a therapize person and then yeah he couldn't prove his unworthiness of you and his immaturity even more by going then suddenly like being with a 19 year old like to me I'm like oh okay like even if I didn't age out of you now I would have aged out of you in two years five years like there's was there was an expiration date on this that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with you and the thing like the biggest issue in our relationship was always that I wasn't like

words of affirmation and physical such and that kind of thing weren't my love language and he always like used to throw it in my face he'd be like you don't make me feel like sexy you don't make me feel wanted and obviously I mean on paper this guy's great he's 25 he drives a nice car he owns two houses he owns a business of course any 19 year old girl is going to worship him yeah so that's all it comes down like I've just like I've come to the conclusion I'm like it just comes down to like you needed someone not on the same like level playing field as you to like look up to you and like kiss the ground that you walk on and I just was never going to do that for him so it makes sense but it was just shocking but it took him off that pedestal for me which I needed yeah

like yeah time so now I'm like I'm actually doing okay yeah because you're like oh I was the best thing about you like I was the best version I was the best thing about you and now that we're not together yeah this is you and like yikes I don't want to be part of that and like if his friends and family can condone like that weird of a relationship and it's like that says a lot more about you and who you surround yourself with than it does about me like yeah but yeah wow holy shit well sorry you have to find out that way but I'm hey glad that it's over me too it makes for a good story yeah wow I think it was like perfect timing because now that I'm moving like I'm like you know what if I had found that out once I had moved I would have spiraled so hard so I'm like get it

out of the way done and dusted nothing else this guy can do to hurt me over it yeah oh my god well better than ever and you'll find someone so much better i hope so yeah you will yeah yeah you will i promise well thank you for giving us an update and of course we like the entertaining aspect of it but i'm good i i hope that this is i mean it's obviously your life and you're gonna find someone who's so much better and it's gonna be all good and something that you can laugh about honestly it already is so i'm glad i could provide some entertainment cool well thank you so much thanks wonderful update dramatic very much so understatement understatement very happy that she's doing well and fuck that man yeah trash i'm still waiting for the day that like

two people two separate parties like listen to the podcast and it's like it's like the girl the new 19 year old is listening and is like he had a girlfriend who like a live-in girlfriend for six years but the only way she would know that it was about her is if she knew the girlfriend existed you know maybe he told her about the tiktok you know that's true that's true and i would hope that you would be like is this about me and not like everybody does that no no also if you are the 19 year old that's listening why are you making these tiktoks yeah and run run from this older men no not good okay should we get into our first call yes hi megan and melissa me and everyone else in this story are 24 and use she her pronouns i'm calling for advice on how to

support my long-distance friend through a medium distance breakup for context my friend has been a seemingly happy stable relationship with her girlfriend for over a year. They've been living in different places since September for career reasons and her girlfriend has been struggling to adjust to her new city and experiencing some depression. My friend has been very supportive of her and they visited each other regularly since they were only living a few hours away. They planned on moving in together once their respective leases ended and we're both really excited about it. They were even talking about it on the phone the night before the breakup. However, out of nowhere, her girlfriend called my friend and told her that she needed to exit

the relationship without really explaining why. They made plans to talk about things after taking some space, but now her girlfriend isn't responding. My friend is completely blindsided and feels like her whole world has been blown up since she's lost both her partner and her plans for the future all at once. She has a lot of abandonment trauma from past relationships, which her girlfriend knew and had reassured her that she would never leave her out of the blue. now that's exactly what's happened and my friend is so crushed she knows that her girlfriend's depression may have contributed to the breakup but that just makes her feel worse because she doesn't want the person she loves to struggle with this alone we live in different states so

i can't be there for her in person and i'm struggling to find the right things to say when we face time i mostly listen and give her space to process and try to be supportive but i feel like nothing i say helps and sometimes just makes it worse i want to honor her pain while also helping her heal, but I feel like I'm failing at both. I've told her that I'm not sure if I'm helping and to tell me how I can best support her, but I think it's just too raw for her right now to even begin thinking about feeling better or how to do that.

How do I balance validating her feelings while also reassuring her that this isn't her fault? Thank you so much. I love and appreciate you both. Oh, this is hard. I know. I can hear the caller's voice breaking. Yeah. I can tell you're going through it too. Also, you can get a diamond.

i think that like this might be like a hard thing for you to hear but i think in these situations especially when it's this fresh there you can't really help the only thing you can do is accidentally hurt like there is nothing that you can do or say that will make her feel better and that's not exclusive to you there's nothing that anyone could say or do there's nothing that she can personally do in this moment that will make her feel better and that's just kind of like the early stages of a breakup and it is possible though that you could say things that can backfire and hurt and I think that like if you've already asked like what can I do to help blah blah blah my first advice is just like don't make it about you at all like the whole like I feel like I'm making it

worse blah blah blah like you can apologize if you said something that was like really like really didn't help and like really hurt in the moment like I'm really sorry I said that I should not have said that and I'm really gonna work on that I'm not gonna do that anymore I'm like wholeheartedly apologize and then just listen like it's really hard to like watch somebody that you love and care about go through something really sucky and like it's natural that your reaction is to like want to cheer them up and like want to like you know reassure them that everything's going to be okay and like all of that stuff but that is not the stage that she's at right now and that sucks but you do kind of have to like bite your tongue and just listen and like it's okay if the only

thing that you're saying is like I'm so sorry that really sucks like I'm so sorry you didn't deserve that like I'm really really sorry and just letting her process it and like it doesn't make you a bad friend if like that's the only thing that you're saying back or you're not contributing much to the conversation and then if like she's not talking much i think like you can be like hey like there's this new show that's coming out that looks really good like i'm gonna start watching it like do you want to watch it on facetime together like do you want to do that so like the kind of things like if she doesn't want to talk having those distractions like those distraction hangouts that you normally do in person to try and do that kind of stuff but it is kind of like you kind of

just like fall on your face a lot when trying to help a friend with dealing with a breakup because you don't necessarily know what stage they're at and like what is what what role they want you to play in it yeah it's funny because like everything that I was thinking like this is what I'm gonna same thing you said but all and it's also like it's kind of weird and newish breakups because sometimes and this I'm speaking from experience where I was kind of trying to be that friend that's like trying to say all the right things and giving all this advice and then like they end up working things out and get back together soon after it and I'm not saying that that will happen but it's still a possibility it's still a possibility that it could like there

was a misunderstanding or the your friend's girlfriend you know thought about a few things and then had to work on some things for themselves and then they end up getting back together but yeah i'm with megan where you know be very careful about the things that you say because they can be detrimental and they could it could be like you're saying things that aren't necessarily true to the situation like you just try to find the words that you feel are right to say and then it ends up hurting things and making them worse so yeah a hundred percent just be there i wouldn't even like don't really say or talk just listen yeah i don't think there's a right way but there is a wrong way and like the goal is to not do not do the wrong way and how

to not do that is literally just like you shut up and you listen and you wait for them to ask you what you think about it and then you filter from yeah from there um and then i think if you are within like driving distance or something like that and you're able to like ask like hey if you want me to come down for a weekend that'd be really like fun we can hang out like do anything like that i think it's nice and even just like you know sending a little letter to be like thinking of you like that stuff like there are those like little things that you can do but there is um it is so not about you at all so like the less you are involved in this part of it the better like you are just right now like a shoulder you are someone to listen to and all of that

and you don't want to like Melissa said you don't want to get ahead of the stages and this is like advice for anyone talking about their friends going through a breakup you are never the first person to talk shit about their significant their ex and you shouldn't even be like they should be talking consistent shit about their ex for weeks before you can chime in and just agree with them or just yes that like say something that they've already said but it is like a very delicate balance because you don't know the relationship at all in that as much as you think that you do in that situation yeah oh but i feel for both of you it's really hard and yeah it's rough and it also seems like a relationship that moved pretty fast for a year and that can be like a

very hard whirlwind to kind of come out of all right next call let's do it time to get a melissa i'm a 28 year old woman she her pronouns i recently realized i'm bisexual and while i'd like to start hooking up with women i so far only had sex with cishet men i didn't start having penetrative sex until i was 22 and have only had six partners two were boyfriends and four were hooked up they've all been horrible at touching or fingering me i masturbate a lot so i know what i like and i have made a concerted effort to tell them what i like but they either end up trying ones not succeeding and giving up or not trying at all most of the time they're just rubbing so hard and fast it feels like they're trying to start a campfire have i just had bad luck so far

or all men trash should i just abandon and men and focus on exploring women i know you both tell me that these men have been garbage and that if i keep looking i might find a good one but that feels like a waste of time right now i know that with every sexual relationship there needs to be discussion of what kids prefer but I'm truly wondering if any women out there find a guy who's great on the first time I'm currently just trying to find someone to hook up with not a relationship obviously that depends on what wave of COVID we're in but I'd appreciate any help you guys have thank you bye just date women the answer is like you asked are all men trash yes but there's different levels of trash do you want to share our levels of trash there is

steaming hot garbage that's what you see you like you avoid it you avoid it so far you don't even walk down the same block where you have that there's just like you know stench like you turn up like your nose turns up and you just turn it makes the hairs in your nostril light on fire yes and it's like a wet garbage disgusting disgusting you want to like you want to douse your body of bleach to like get it off of you yeah and then there is regular garbage which like is smelly it's like sucks but like you can take it out like it's not like restaurant refried beans like seven-day-old refried beans like up to your knees garbage it's not that it's not like moldy but like it's not good like it's still really gross and like you could do without it like you don't need

it and then we have like you know nicer like recycles and that is one that you're like okay you know it's a par for the course i am glad that i'm recycling and this is a doable thing but it's not like adding anything like it's just like we're processing the garbage in a better way and then we have compost compost yes which gives back to the earth it creates new life but at the end of the day it is still garbage it just happens to be the most palatable kind of garbage but it still smells it still smells but like you said it's making the world a slightly better not slightly a better place yeah but it's still it's not damaging as much to the world so you might get surprised tomatoes exactly but like at the end of the day it's still garbage so like all men fall

under that but i as a straight person the what you are describing as like the issues and like the difficulties of like dating men or whatever you seem checked out and kind of done date women like date women like I think that like you don't need to kind of search if you're like newly just like realizing that you're bi and have only ever had sex with men you don't need to like knock down every door and like find the guy that's great and like all of that kind of shit like right now it seems like dating men is kind of like a chore and a headache for you and you're also into women so I think like why not why not like you can find like there are great guys out there there are guys who like will do a great job on the first try and like yes I think that you have come across

you have come across like repeatedly bad ones but I think statistically I would say I'm gonna assume that women women relationships probably have a higher percentage of like orgasm earlier on than heterosexual relationships like that's like a very non-educated no substantiated none of that but you could do your own theories you could conduct your own research but also like on top of that you've been dating a lot of men or sleeping with a lot of men that aren't listening to you like you are specific you know what you want you're specific about what you want there are guys that are out there that good on the first try few and far between but also like even if they're not good for you the first time the fact that they're not listening is the problem

yeah it's not even like the initial sex it's the fact that they're not listening to what you want so you're dating guys that aren't communicating and aren't here for your pleasure they're doing what they think is good because that's what they saw or heard but they're not listening to the person that they're in the bed with so yeah this isn't about like necessarily the mechanics of said guys it's about like the men themselves yeah and i think that like right now you've only ever been with men but let's say if that was like the flip side my question i'm trying to bring the patriarchy into this do you feel like trying over and over and over and over again with these men would you be doing that same thing with women in this circumstance like is this i don't want to say

because like that's like not my place at all but there's like this term like compulsive uh compulsory heterosexuality or whatever and that's like helpful for people who are never i don't want This is not me putting words in your mouth and I don't I can't say nor do I think this is your experience at all. But something I've read about this that was really insightful is that because the world is built for the patriarchy, it's like built for men that even when you are you are someone who isn't specifically like dating, like straight, cis, heterosexual men, that the patriarchy influences it in all different kind of ways. and I think that like is the patriarchy influencing how you are going about dating like is that part of what the reason why you are seeking out men who don't communicate with you well like are you unintentionally going out of your way to date guys who like don't listen to you and like don't really care about communicating with you and like don't really care about like

your pleasure and your feelings and does that translate to how you personally feel about your own pleasure and your own feelings like do you feel like heard and validated in your own desires and then I think like you could spend years trying to find a guy who's like goes down like is perfect in bed on the first date I also think that like it'll be years trying to find like a woman too who's great that or anyone like I think it's like being good at sex is more about how they feel about you as a person and the more you get to know somebody the better sex will be but it's who do you want to get better at sex with like the first time you have sex with one of these dudes and you're like not that into it and it's like not going well and like you can tell they're not

into it like do you want to try and make it work like it's how i feel about like long-term relationships and anything like that and like even just like pleasure in general it's the bumps are gonna come it's not gonna be easy all the time who do you want to figure that shit out with like who do you care enough that like it doesn't feel like a chore it did feel like you're invested in this and i think that like it feels like just based on your tone and how you're talking about I feel like you're kind of asking for permission to stop dating men like and to like kind of be like done with men for a time being and I think that's like fully fair and valid like you know what you want and I think if you sleep with a guy and it's like sucks after the first date like

if you don't feel then if you feel like it's a chore to try and make it get better by the second one and you're not excited to try and make it get better then be done like you don't have to give people like chances and chances and chances until you really want to and like that doesn't have to be like your mo going into it constantly do you know what i mean yeah like the person you'll find the person that you like really want it to work with and then like that communication will feel like you'll feel very heard it'll be receptive it'll be responsive and all of that but not all men are bad at sex yeah your partner should want to pleasure you like they should want to know what you like. And I don't necessarily think it's a, I mean, it is a sex issue, but I also think it's

a picking issue and what you're willing to tolerate. Yeah. I think like if you can't tell that someone, whoever you're having sex with, that their number one goal or their, at least their number two goal is your pleasure, then be done. And see, I'm, I subscribe to like their number one goal should be your pleasure and then my number one goal should be their pleasure and if we're both on the same page as that then the sex should be spectacular yeah and even if it doesn't mean that the execution is there like the intention is there and then eventually it will happen and it will get there but like if he doesn't care and like or they don't care whoever you're having sex with like if that is like not a priority for them it's not going to be a priority

for them yeah and it's not your responsibility to like teach them that it should be a priority but uh best of luck sorting through that trash yes all right time for a break now okay we will be right back and we are back shall we get into the rest of the calls we shall hi Megan Melissa impossible guest I'm a college student I'm 21 years old and I use she her pronouns recently I started to attend Alcoholics Anonymous meetings as I've been struggling with controlling my drinking since I first was exposed to it in high school last semester I ruined a friendship and was in the worst place I've ever been mentally and chucked myself into the hospital at one point. Things are

going slightly better now. I'm back at a full credit load of courses and I'm planning to go to graduate school in the fall and I recently adopted a cat. My issue is that I don't know how to approach the conversation I want to have with friends about my choice not to drink. Being in college and especially the state and city I'm in, there's a huge drinking culture and pressure to drink. I felt peer pressured multiple times and instead of just saying that I am committing to sobriety to say I'm not drinking for the night or make up some other excuse. I feel lonely because the people in my life outside of AA and other recovery groups that I'm in don't know about this challenging journey that I'm going through. I worry that if I tell people I won't be invited

to social events where alcohol is present, which makes up a large majority of the time I spend with my friends. Part of me feels embarrassed and shameful, and I have issues with discerning myself definitely related to my low self-esteem depression and pretty severe social anxiety i'm in therapy and i'm on antidepressants and i have been sober for 38 days my question for you do you have any advice for having these conversations and accepting myself for where i'm at and not judging myself for my past thank you first of all congratulations gradual fucking lations yeah that's amazing very impressive I very much understand you and it sucks like this really really sucks because drinking is so heavily involved in our culture in general but especially

in your early 20s and the right people will not care at all and any time that people feel like this weird threatening thing about like someone not drinking to that those people who are like upset or uncomfortable with that they're not upset or uncomfortable with you they're upset and uncomfortable because they're having to look and reevaluate their own relationship with alcohol and people who have a healthy relationship with alcohol do not give a absolute shit if you are not drinking and i i mean people who are actively drinking who don't have like an unhealthy relationship but people who are sober will wholeheartedly for the hopefully for the most part completely understand and I think that it's a very good test for finding good friendships

is by like being like pretty upfront and honest I don't know where what you what level of things that you feel comfortable with I fucking hate hanging out with drunk people like I hate it like it's so annoying like I just think that like there are some times where it's like a level of like tipsy that's fine but like once it's like a group of people who are like sloppy drunk like i don't want to spend time with you and hanging out and a vast majority of my friends drink a large majority of them also don't really at all and it's just about hanging out with people without alcohol and so very valid if you don't want to go to the events where alcohol is even if it's not like a part of being a worried about like relapsing if it's even if it's like years down

the road or that's not something that you're factoring in now that's a part of like your journey it can also just be not fun and that's like a very valid thing that you wouldn't want to hang out in those settings but if that's the only way that people are hanging out those are not the people that you want to hang out with like if all of their social interactions are resting on and involve alcohol those are not those are not the right friendships for you and to be fair those really aren't the right friendships for anybody like if your relationships with people you can only tolerate or you only enjoy hanging out with them when you are drunk that's not really true deep friendships those are like your buddies like when I stopped drinking like there are people I

literally never saw ever again because like those people I would just hang out with like every night going out but I'm like we have nothing in common now we have like none of this other shit here but I think that you said that you've got social anxiety and you deal with that stuff so like it's hard to say that like I don't know I feel like it's unhelpful advice for me to be like plan something and being like hey like let's all come over to like my place and we'll have like a game night or like hang out like you want to go see a movie or something but I think that the more honest you are right off the bat with being like oh I don't drink like I'm not I don't drink and whether or not you feel comfortable saying like I'm sober is up to you and that's also something

that you can grow with in getting to know people like you can say oh I'm not drinking tonight and then the next time be like yeah I I know I don't really drink at all and then a couple weeks later you're like yeah actually I'm I'm sober like I've been sober for like x amount of days and that can be up to you to decide when you feel comfortable and safe with new people and friends before you let them know that because like it is like a vulnerable thing it's nothing to be embarrassed about at all it should be something you'd be like incredibly proud of but it is a vulnerable thing that like you have every right to kind of withhold that information or give it out in doses that you feel ready and comfortable with again i think that like the thing that happens when you get older

is you start to have you start to know people who get sober later in life and who start to go through that kind of stuff and people sadly sometimes it takes a lot of people until that to kind of be empathetic and understanding of it and there will always be somebody your age whether it's in your direct friend circle or your exterior friend circle who's not that into drinking there will always be that and like yeah you just the being the first person who says i'm not going to drink i don't really drink every time i've done that every single time there's always been one person who's like oh my god thank god then i'm not going to drink i don't want to drink then yeah it opens up that door to it and it's hard but like everybody knows somebody who

deals with dependency on alcohol or has or at some point in their life and eventually like it might take a few tries but like you will be able to find those friend groups of people where you hang out at your place but it's also about where you meet people too and like if they want to hang out the first thing that they say maybe is they invite you to like hey do you want we're all going to a bar, you can say it right off the bat. Oh, I don't drink. But like, would you want to go to a movie this weekend or a restaurant where they might serve alcohol, but there's still food there. So like you can eat, they can drink if they want to, but it's not the main thing that you're doing while you're at that place. Yeah. And if their entire social life is alcohol, those are not

people. No, those are people that their whole personality is alcohol. And I kind of went through this when I was in college too, I drank a lot and I might have one drink a year now at this point. And so when I, I started to question, like, am I friends with all these people just because we all drink together? And so like, I would suggest, and then I said, I was realizing I was, you came to that realization that you should go to AA. I came to the realization that maybe like us drinking this much and that's all we do together isn't like the thing and so I would start suggesting hey guys why how about we not have like a let's hang out and not drink and just hang out we might watch movie we order food and do other things and then when you're inviting friends out and you invite

them to go do activities that don't involve alcohol you can go to like an exercise class together. You can go to the parks. There's just, I think that when you're in college, especially because drinking is something that you weren't allowed to do for so long, and then you get essentially the permission to do it, then you feel like you have to go hard every night and you don't. And I think once people get to that realization that you don't need to drink to have fun, then that's when you get your true friends yeah and again i have been so many places where people who have been like hey i heard you don't drink and i'm like yeah and they're like damn i really i really don't i really want to stop i really don't want to do it anymore like all of that and

it just is the fact that like people think that everybody around them has a healthy relationship with alcohol and everything's fine. And it is purely statistically, it's just a matter of years before more people start getting sober and dealing with all of that stuff. And I think that like the good people and the people who are like, not even just good, but the people who are ready for you, who are good friends for you, and you can be a good friend too, will be understanding of that now. You don't have to wait out these friendships and hope that they eventually kind of get it. you don't have to mold yourself and your sobriety around other people's comfortability. It's about you. Like it's about what you are comfortable with. And if you have to sacrifice, oh, they only

ever hang out at these house parties and there's always just a ton of alcohol. That's all they do. Those aren't the friends. You don't need to like position your life around that. You don't need to put yourself in places where you are not comfortable. There are other people, there are other people and other friends, and it might just take a little bit longer and that sucks. And it shouldn't be like that i really hate how normalized drinking is like in our culture and drinking because you want to have you feel like that makes you have fun you know like yeah i hate the wine mom stereotype i hate that i have to drink with my kids thing like i think every age that we are like alcohol is ingrained as like a thing that is so constantly prevalent in how to

get through the day get through the day but you go to like another country where they're allowed to drink when they can look over the table and it's not the same type of culture because it's it's just something that like enhances the meal essentially yeah and it's something to be used in like a food kind of related thing not like a constant partying sort of thing uh coping mechanism to like you know be better in other people's eyes be more fun be more entertaining no yeah and your brains aren't fully developed and like that is something that like is so i think if we have better mental health treatments and like screenings and and help with that we will have far less binge drinking for people under the age of 25 because it is a coping mechanism and it's not

a healthy one or a long-term one and i think that like being the first at anything in your friend group is really really hard and this is this one is especially hard because right now alcohol and social situations are in like just tied together yeah and it's just about taking a step back and finding the people who aren't like that and like maybe it's finding an AA meeting of like people under like 30 or under 20 it's like under 25 they do they might even have one at your school yeah but they do have like AA meetings for like they have specific AA meetings for women they have meetings for people under like 25 like you can find those aspects of people and it doesn't mean that those people that you meet need to be your like social circle and your friends but it

can be like what do you do for fun how do you meet people who are also trying to like talk to other people or even people who are a little bit older than you who got sober around like the same age that you are right now and ask them how they made friends or like what the friendships they had were and places that they met people and that stuff and like utilize that community and no bullshit no bullshit with these people you don't need to coddle any of them it's about your comfortability not theirs and if they're uncomfortable that's about them yep and congratulations again congratulations a very hard thing to do and you're doing wonderful in the words of chris jenner you're doing amazing sweetie okay did you think i had like an

inspirational chris jenner quote at the top of my head you're really about to bust out some like real i just say a maya quote philosophical to stay on topic do you think chris jenner will be considered a philosopher i think those people that are obsessed with the kardashians think so it feels subjective yeah i can't wait to dive into philosophers after this all right last call hi megan and melissa i am a 22 year old woman and i use she her pronouns i'm calling today because i can't ride pretty much since i started having sex i've tried to ride i've had various partners and have never been able to figure it out at first i thought maybe it was just the size of my partner, but I've had sex with bigger dicks and smaller dicks,

and nothing seems to do the trick. I'm currently in a relationship with a 24-year-old cis man who uses he, him pronouns. Our relationship is new, and I've shared with him that I can't ride. He doesn't care. He says we don't have to ever try that position, but it is something I want to figure out how to do. In the past, I've gotten really frustrated with myself, and my partners have laughed. Don't get me wrong, I'm very pro-laughter in the bedroom, but this felt more pointed than just shared silliness. I have no doubts in my mind that my current partner is different. He's so much better than any man I've ever been with, but yet I have this hesitancy because of my previous partners. I told him about that, and he reassured me that he wouldn't laugh

at me and reminded me that this isn't a deal breaker for him, and if I can't ride, I can't ride. I'd love if you two could give me tips on how to learn how to ride. I've watched YouTube videos, but I still can't figure it out, and it seems like people focus on what to do once you're already on the dick, but I literally can't get it in. And I also, once I'm there, they've just lost. I don't know. My body does not know how to move in the right way. If you have any ideas or suggestions, that would be really great. I've considered buying a dildo and practicing, but I haven't done so yet. Let me know what you think. Thank you. All right. This seems about the angle of your vagina. This is what I was going to say. I think it's the angle. If you can't get on it,

I would start on my knees and hold the dick to guide it into how it should go I will say to anybody if you are riding a dick I recommend one of you preferably the person riding you hold it and guide it because I think that you especially because you don't I'm talking specifically to the caller like you can't get it you can't figure out the angle of which it goes in You need to go. You can't just like plop it in. You got to go slow and figure out how your body occurs. I think getting a dildo is a good call, but you should be guiding it inside of you. Lowering down. Because every vagina is different. And also every dick is different. Every different dick. So like you can't ride the same dick the same way.

No, no. And so the issue getting on and mounting it that way. Yeah. I think a dildo is a great way to figure that out you could also like to be fair you can also like depending on where you start to have issues with it getting in like is it at the beginning is at the end because if it's like right at the beginning you can figure that out with your fingers like you can figure out that way but if it's more along the lines of like oh we're solid for a second and then we're not think about it that way think about like you can use a tampon like when you have your period next time like figure out your slope figure out your slope and then like you know do some math calculations. Look at the trajectory of his dick. Pythagorean theorem. PEMDAS. Yeah, all that. But

yeah, that would be my advice for mounting. Number two, there are different ways to ride a dick. There are different positions that your legs can be in, your feet can be in. It all just depends on what you like. You can be somebody that likes to go up and down. You can be a humper. There's different things. So I think I don't know what you're doing. But if you're specifying the writing part, I think it's because you're bouncing up and down. And that might not work for you, especially if you can't get the dick in right. Yeah. And here's what I will say. I think that the best thing to do to start writing is similarly to mounting where you're getting on is utilizing your knees because like, it's kind of the same with like, different positions of like doggy style

where it's like this can like hit your intestines and like your brain and you yes yeah like and maybe medically no but like so you can control the depth of that and that is like where i say like being on your having enough weight on your knees that it is like you are the one essentially hinging on instead of like bouncing up and down it's more of a hinge yeah and then the first thing I would say the number one thing that like biggest advice for writing a dick is ride a dick for your pleasure. For your pleasure. Yes. Do not write a dick for him. Man's going to like it no matter what you're doing. You can even it could be like humping it, bouncing or circling too is another thing, which actually that might probably be easier for you when you're first figuring things

out to but like truly use the writing to come use the writing for you to get off and in the nicest way possible like this is for you and that is so hot for dudes where it is like and then from there you can understand okay where is the position of like my clip in comparison to here which part of these things feel good for me and then we can get into like the fancier stuff with like writing or whatever but if you are not having fun while riding it is a very like that's a difficult position if it's like it can be so much more uncomfortable it can be hurt your knees it can hurt your hips and all that and you can just get fatigued and not enjoy it so if you are choosing to ride it should be because you are get like it should be for you not him doesn't mean that it

always is but like he's gonna still get off yeah and like every sex position that you do like you it's the same thing i feel like blowjobs or like going down on someone like you should only be doing those things because it is mutually beneficial for you as the person giving that doesn't mean that like you're gonna orgasm or you're going to finish doing that but it's because you get off on doing this you should never be doing anything in the bedroom at all sex wise that you are purely just doing because they want you to do it and you are not enjoying it and you don't want to do it so with you can find it's like the first time that you are riding a dick it is because you want to figure out how it feels good for you and which position feels good for you,

grab a toy, like put that. And if you don't, if you know where the position is, but there's like certain angles that are like going to work and be better and figure it out that way. When you get tired, if you're like enjoying it, but it's like tired, like lean over and kiss them, do that for a bit. Like you don't have to be up all the time. You don't have to be up, but there's also different ways. Cause you can go back so that you're like on, you're still on top, but your feet are flat on the bed and your knees are bent and you lean back on your arms arms yep and you can use your arms and your feet to help yeah and i was gonna say also like kind of like you know the frog position when you're stretching going that way and then using your your thighs more oh my hips

would break i usually hold and it's more like a rocking as opposed to moving up and down yeah so I think that the the biggest thing is like the first thing that you do is you mount and you figure out how to mount and it seems like your boyfriend is like very like knows all of this stuff that might take a minute that it's like you're gonna call the shots like he's not gonna just like suddenly hold your hips and then you think like jackhammer into you right and then like it's not about up and down like start with circle start with circle and do it slowly again figure out at what point of the circle you're like oh that feels good yeah and then you can do whatever motion and combination of motions that feels good for you there and just continue it and

then if you get tired you know the lean and down you can like lean back and like try all of that stuff but it is not about being on top people i think that people think that being on top is a performance and you are like performing and doing something for them no the reason why people rave about like a girl being on top is because a girl is essentially riding your dick to come yeah like that's like what that is and you're watching you're seeing a visual face to face of you're just there and a girl is literally like pleasing herself on your tip like right that's what that is and that's why it is like so renowned as being this like wonderful hot thing and the second that i realized that this like was not about performing and this wasn't about like putting

in all of this effort and like feeling stupid or like do you mean like feeling like you have to like there's a good way to do it and a bad way to do it realize oh no it's just about me right that's when it becomes like the best thing ever yeah it's about you yeah without a doubt also um i sent megan this little country it was a tiktok of this contraction do you did you watch it trying to remember i think so i i told you i was like since you get tired on top but it was a contraption where it was like a essentially like an assist that like goes over it had like legs on it and it had little straps for you to rest your legs and it had like a little trampoline so it bounced so you're essentially sitting on it and then there's a hole for the guy to be on underneath it

so i'll find the tiktok again and share it truly i love being on top it's the greatest thing ever it's so quick and i'm like done so amazing great but like it's just after that i'm done like i don't want to because i also have such bad hips that like most likely afterwards what if my legs is numb and like I like my hips are clicking and like I can't really walk that well afterwards and I feel like a sack of bones so like that is not how we are starting this is we're ending like this is the end it's a wonderful it's great but like yeah this is this is the end thank you so much for coming this is great oh that's funny but uh I have faith in you if you want to do it it'll be good but yeah she wants to do it we just got to find the right entry point and then the right

the right movements. Yeah. There's no one size fits all for this. You just, you got to figure this, your current partner seems like that they're willing to be patient with you. So. Yeah. It's about you. Yeah. His pleasure will come from you taking control. Exactly. All right. So now it's time for don't blame them. This is where we have a listener call in with their own advice pertaining to a call from a previous episode. Maybe they have personal experience with it or they just have some insight that they would like to share hi megan and melissa and everyone else listening i'm calling for the don't blame them for the last episode with the person that called in saying that they were having problems with their first time

and their boyfriend staying hard and i actually went through something very similar to this i was talking to who is now my boyfriend and he was unable to like get hard and he didn't tell me about it right away because he was nervous and then he eventually told me after a couple months of us not having sex and me like kind of being confused on what was going on and he was having anxiety performance and he actually ended up going to the doctor and getting non-anxiety medication for it he was really embarrassed about it and it had nothing to do with me he had been in relationships previously and so had I but he was just nervous about having sex with someone else for the first time and he just kind of really internalized that and it just got to the point

where he couldn't he just could not do it so he got on the anxiety medication and then we talked about it and after he told me about it we just tried to make each other comfortable and it was fine after that and we've been dating for almost three years so it can be really awkward but if you just work through it together it won't be a problem i hope that helps thanks that was great wonderful the wonderful pistachio what are they saying that commercial huh the pistachio commercial they're like the wonderful something pistachio the wonderful world of pistachio i don't think its world though okay well that is it for episode if you would like to leave us a review we would love that we appreciate a five-star review it makes us so happy makes our day and if you want

to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 international listeners send us an email at meganpodcast at gmail.com and if you are listening this long head on over to the Instagram and comment who you think a modern day philosopher is. You can be as funny or as serious as you wish. And it'll be even funnier if we decide that the ones that are obviously joking are serious and the ones that are serious are joking. I'm going to read a review real quick. Okay. All right. This is from abs2597 says, love it love the inclusivity and how much of a safe space this is oh hey that makes me happy that is the number one goal with this podcast we hope you all enjoyed follow us on instagram

follow our own socials stay tuned on thursday and go subscribe to our other show what am i wrong it's a wonderful wonderful piece of content if you have an update shoot us an email and we would love to have you back on the podcast and we will see you next time oh and everybody say happy belated birthday to Melissa well because your birthday is tomorrow the day we're recording this yeah this comes out on

Monday yeah yeah so know that her birthday was last Wednesday and wish her a happy birthday thank you of course bye goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa de monts and diamond and print productions edited by coco lawrence post-production sound by chris henry production

assistance by melanie d watson music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso