Don't Blame Me! - S1E15: Guest: Aislinn Paul - When You Hate Your BFF's Boyfriend!

Episode Date: October 27, 2017

This episode is all about friends! It’s only fitting that my dear friend, actress from “Freakish,” “Degrassi: The Next Generation,” and “Heroes Reborn,” Aislinn Paul join me. We’re sharing our advice on how to deal with terrible friends, making genuine friends, and being there for your friend that’s in the closet. Real friend advice from two real life friends!I want to hear all of your questions that you need help with. Plus some follow up calls if you’ve already called in. Call me at...[phone] or international listeners email me at [e-mail]...with your question and as much detail as possible. And I will do my best to offer my words of wisdom.If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only. Don’t blame me if it ruins your life. lol, jk, my advice is always the best.[phone]. Please!This episode is brought to you by RxBar! Please go support them for helping keep this podcast free.Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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with no bs get 25 off your first order at rxbar.com slash blame and use the promo code blame again that is rxbar.com slash blame promo code blame hello everybody and welcome back to don't blame me today we have a super exciting guest she gets a whole intro song because i love her and she's dancing along it's ace them paul everybody hello uh yeah i hope you're not surprised by that no you have a great podcast voice thank you i don't know why i hear you talk all the time but for some reason Do I need to be closer to the mic? Get nice and low.

Yeah, don't be shy. Nice and deep. Hello. That's so good. I think it's also just today. I think I just, I haven't. Are you struggling with a cold as well? I hope not.

You have a sore throat? Well, I woke up and it was a little bit scratchy, so I hope that's not where it's going. Went to a party. That's what happens. You're shouting over loud music. I went to a party and I was very sober. There you go.

Mind over matter. She's not sick. She just went to a party. That's true. It is. Oh, also speaking of this man who is heckling Haceland for going to a party. Sorry.

Jack Barry. Hi. Sorry, I am the talkative producer. Hi. Hi. And you guys are listening to Don't Blame Me, which is my podcast. The best advice podcast out there.

Aislinn was listening to this. Endorsed by Aislinn Paul. It's true. She was listening to it on the way over. And it made me happy. And tell them what you, I'm like, tell them, I feel like I'm on like,

tell them what you told me. Where I'm like, no, say what you, say what you said. I was like, say what you said, but how you listened to it. Where you like pause or whatever. Oh, well, yeah, I would like, i'd listen along to the questions and then i'd wonder well it was kind of to prep for this i was

like i'm gonna be so bad at this because i go to megan for my advice so i was like okay how would i answer these questions and that you guys are going through some tough shit out there like i'm impressed my my teenage years were very boring compared to you guys i know i feel that way a lot of the time where i'm like damn i'm still i still can't get over the girl who fucked her boyfriend's twin and his brother that is straight out of gossip girl like i don't think that's it's not And I was like, did you take this as a plot from a TV show? But I'm pretty sure that she DM'd me on Instagram and I can't find it now, but I think she called back and gave an update.

Oh, we will have to dig that out of the archives. I think she did. I know. I'm dying to know. I think they broke up. Ooh. Well, we have, um, we have like hundreds of calls, so it's not always the easiest, but we will, I will get my crack team to dig that out for my crack, my crack team.

I have a crack team. Yeah. For all your crack needs. Yes. no my cracker jack team of like all-stars my god who are working behind the scenes who you don't even see are your fans called cracker jazz getting weirder no it's crap no it's like you know my crack team of experts you never heard that expression you never heard my crack team of experts before no everyone everyone here is shaking their head they've never heard it

you never heard my crack team of experts no it sounds like you have a team of people who are experts on crack yeah i'm looking this up right now i i literally and then i thought you were like jake paulers but like cracker jackers oh my god that's actually a great yeah yeah it's like slightly racist but like the use of crack as a top notch or superior was first noted by samuel johnson in 1793 meaning to do anything with quickness or smartness a crack team is one that functions in this way okay now urban dictionary crack team oh a team that sells crack okay i can see where the confusion came i totally get that i totally get that anyway uh so how explain your relationship how do you guys know each other oh my god well acelyn and i met

um on freakish season one yes actually we met in the cat we were yeah it was it was uh uh chemistry reads but we didn't read with each other no we thought maybe we would and then we didn't but what i can say is that i was a little alarmed by megan when i first met her fucking shit everyone says that well also i arrived she is very tall maybe 20 minutes late because i'm late to everything and then you had already made friends with all the other girls who were there like it seemed like you guys had all known each other for years and then you told me after that that wasn't the case but i was like it was intimidating as fuck because i was just like i don't know what i'm doing and you seem like you know everyone even in the office you were like running to other

offices and saying hello and i was like who is this bitch i do and now we're friends awesomeness tv is the only office where i can walk in and be like i know everyone here that's it just because they've known me since i was 18 but no i talk when i'm nervous so i i'm like quick to be like who wants to be my friend let's talk let's not be uncomfortable let's talk to me yeah and then we did the show together and we got to hate each other on the show and season two just came out it did and um only and i'm so excited i've like i've seen a few episodes so do you want to give a spoiler on your season one experience oh what that i died sorry spoiler if you want to watch it um yeah you will only get the uh the pleasure of watching me on your screen for the first season

i'm sorry um but the goodness is you're alive in real life yes in real life i'm here and i'm also here to tell you that second season is unbelievable the first i've seen like the first half and i'm i was so into it for a show that i was on to now watch it i'm so into it way more into it than i thought i would be it's intense you're so good way more into it than i thought you would be yeah i'm like a true fan now it was honestly the most entertaining part of the screening was watching acelyn watch us all because it was like half of a mix of like a proud parent who's like oh my god my look at my baby i'm so happy for all of them and then also for being like not knowing everything but knowing enough about the world to be like no way what does that mean what and it was very

impressive and i also liked when you would turn and ask melvin and i questions and both of us were like wait so what does this mean we're like i i don't know dude i don't know you're like well so wait when does this happen i'm like i i don't know oh you're like a super fan yeah no now well because I first season we spent so much time talking about the universe that I'm I'm an expert now you are and so it's it's actually a real fun time and you don't have to watch yourself yes that takes a lot of pressure off yeah well today we're going to be uh speaking of pressure giving you some very pressure-filled questions that we're gonna have to give advice on are you ready I'm so excited but I'm also nervous I don't want to mess up any kids lives but hey don't blame

me yeah don't blame us don't blame us don't blame us uh so how do people get advice from you Megan People can get advice from me by coming up to me in the street, giving me $500 and a puppy. And then I will give you some advice. That buys you 30 seconds. Yes, exactly. Or the more complex route would be calling this podcast and leaving a voicemail at 310-694-0976. Again, 310-694-0976. And if you are an international caller, which, oh my God, our guest today is from Canada.

I am an international guest. yeah do you guys know she's related to Justin Bieber Drake and Shania Twain whoa you can see the family resemblance yeah

and um who's your hot prime minister Justin Trudeau also what is Jennifer Anis' husband's name uh Justin Theroux okay thank you

because I've mixed them up all the fucking time anyway we should get to the questions yes we should I'm so sorry I get excited cool so

are you guys ready to go how you feeling so ready good um yeah I'm revved up I had some brownies that Megan baked so I've got a sugar high

I'm so good I'm ready thanks guys I'm trying to suck up to mott's is our anniversary tomorrow oh congratulations i know fucking crazy two years i know wow yeah stuck with me all right let's get into the first call hi megan so my last single friend or my last single best friend got a boyfriend recently about three months ago and since then i've been taking it really hard i've spent a lot of time crying over it and fear that

i was gonna lose her and our time together but i thought it was just being me being selfish so i never brought it up to anyone recently I started opening up to my other best friend who happens to be her sister and a few other friends about it and since then I've realized that I'm not the only one that feels this way and there's just been red flag after red flag popping up about this boy and he's turned out to be pretty manipulative he's very selfish with her time he barely lets her hang out with her friends and he gets madder when he or when she's not at his house in the timely manner and he never travels to her house which is weird he made her cancel breakfast lunches that were with a very close friend and someone and that's something that she's been

doing for years because he didn't like another man taking her on quote-unquote dates i just don't like the way he's treating her she's 21 and this is her very first relationship so i don't think that she knows how to tell him no and i understand that he'll be okay if she wants to do her own thing and she can still be a good girlfriend if she does that i hate confrontation so i haven't brought anything up to her yet because i don't know how so basically my question is how do i go about telling my best friend that i basically hate her boyfriend without making her super upset with me yeah um it's a hard place to be it is um it's what i've been staring each other across the table during this because we definitely have experience with this yeah so many times especially I think in

young relationships you end up meeting like your friends boyfriends and thinking wow if we're so close how can you like someone who is so awful and I've had that I've had friends or I've had ex-boyfriends or friends have told me that they really don't like them and it's created a wedge between that friend and I and like I'm definitely I mean I think you're also like when you're in in like the heat of the, not even the heat of the relationship, but you're in like, you're in it. And you're so invested, especially if it's, Oh, it's the first relationship I've had. This is like the male attention, all this stuff. Like, I really like this kind of a thing that you're kind of quick to side with them. Um, and I've definitely sided with like crazy, terrible exes that I've had

and then realized later on when we break up, I'm like, Oh, my friends were definitely right. But that's, yeah, that's the hard part is being the friend who's doesn't want to be the, I told you so person. And you also have that fear. If you speak up to that friend and mention how the behavior looks to you that because they're so blind to it, it's going to drive a wedge between you. And then you're just going to be farther apart from your friend than you even were before. And it's difficult. Now I'm just telling you like, yeah, I get your position. It sucks. Okay. Moving on. Also, even if you, and then if you, if they stay together, there's the whole, I know that you hate my boyfriend. And then if they break up or they want to break up,

there's the whole, well, I don't want you to be right. Like I want to be right in this situation. I don't want this to be as bad as it is that you're saying. I would say as somebody who's done this, I've been you and I've been the friend who's told a friend and I've been there and I've had people do it to me. I don't think, I don't think it's worth it to have a sit down conversation. I think if you can like gently bring things up in context as it's happening, like if your friend like will not just like subtly undermining. No, but like, I mean, like, I think if like you're, if your friend, if like he says something, if your friend's like, Oh,

like I can't go to brunch because he doesn't want me to go because he doesn't want another guy taking me out. You're like, well, that seems a little odd because like, it's not like really a date kind of a thing. Just reinforcing if your friend is suggesting that like, Oh, this feels a little off. If she feels weird about it, definitely reinforce those feelings. Yeah, but I don't say plant those.

But don't cause more conflict. Exactly. I think that's what I would say. Yeah, because ultimately she's got to be the one who figures it out. Like, no one else is going to be able to tell her, your relationship is screwed up. If she's still in love with that guy, she's not going to want to see it. She's not going to see it.

She has to do that on her own. So unless, like, you're worried about her physical or emotional safety, which might be in danger at this point, like if he's being that manipulative and not letting her see anyone, i get having those concerns but i think it's good that you're talking to other people in her life and her sister too yeah and you're you're trying to like make sure everyone's aware and you're all looking out for her and ever if she seems that she's in danger you can you can step in but for now i think your friendship is more important than like because you you run the risk of losing her

if you speak up now so trying to just stay on her team and whatever she needs yeah support her in that and hopefully at some point they'll break up and she'll in a few years you guys will sit over cocktails and she'll be like remember when I dated that asshole I can't believe I did that and you'll be like yeah who knew he was the worst yeah no I think that's good I think that is good on to the next call hi Megan I'm 19 um before I get started I just want to say that I really appreciate your content I can tell you're a really genuine person and you care about your viewers and your listeners and I just really appreciate you for that I really love listening um the question I have or rather the issue I have is something that I think a lot of girls or like women my age

deal with um ever since I was you know in middle school and high school age I had a really hard time keeping friends or keeping a friend group um and I know that's really common for middle school and high school because you know you're just friends with the people at your school because they're there and you know you may not really be that similar to them or whatever but I'm now a college student and I'm still finding it hard to find friends that I really get along with and who are similar to me and who care about me genuine friends um things like that and I know the easy answer would be you know join clubs for interests that I have you know meet people with the same things um like that like to do the same things that I do things of that nature but I'm

honestly just really busy and there's not a lot of clubs at my school it's kind of a small school and I just find myself making friends based on proximity still even though I'm in college like I'm friends with people in my building or people in my classes but none of these friends really stick or if they do stick I just don't feel like we have that much in common or I can really trust them or you know they really understand me so I've been struggling with this for a couple years now. And I was just wondering what your advice would be to finding genuine friends that really care about you. I mean, I have friends, but none of them really understand me that much. Well, first of all, you're right. Megan does care very much. You are

correct. Man, but I totally feel for you. I think because of school, you kind of get used to making friends out of proximity that they're just they're the people who are in your class or like that you play soccer with or that you can like do your English notes with so I I get that um in a change of venue you're kind of now having to go out of your way to find those people that you really connect with um but I'm thinking you know do you feel that they they really don't understand you or are you just like a little nervous to open up because this is a newer friendship and you think sort of right off the bat like oh they don't get me like is I you know maybe there's just like you guys need to like sit down and have a like some real life chats and

maybe like be a little bit vulnerable with each other and you'll see I don't know like I think I've really learned that friendships take a lot of work um and sometimes like that's uh you know it's a lot of work it means effort but like it can be it can be rewarding if you're willing to to do it but of course if those people are still not like if you know for a fact that you just don't get along and you just hang out because it's convenient or you have the same classes. I get that desire to find people that you have more in common with. So what I would say, I don't think there's necessarily an issue in having friendships based on proximity. I think no matter how old you get, that's true. Like the friends you have are like the people you spend time with

are because they're close around you. I have a ton of long distance friendships, but like I also have friends in the city that I'm in, not because it's just convenient, but you kind of meet people because it's convenient and then you become friends with them. And I agree in the sense of what Asa was saying with, with giving them the chance to be those kinds of people. I think there's always going to be people that you meet and like right off the bat, you're like, wow, we're going to be really good friends. And then there's other people where you don't, who they project themselves to be out to you might not be who they like really are all of the time. And that's the same thing with you. Like maybe you guys aren't giving off your true self automatically. And it takes a little

while to get to know each other. And so I would say, give that, give that time to kind of like foster those friendships. And if that's where you're not getting it, but I also will say, which is seems a little like defeating. I didn't have great friends in college. Like I, I had really good friends and I made really good friends growing up, like in childhood. And then I went through a period of not having any aside from those friends that I had growing up. Like I, I had no lasting new friendships from the time that I was like 18 until I was probably I had like one or two I think Lily was like the only friend that I made in LA that I stayed friends with and like that was a time period where like I probably gained and lost like like five to seven

like decently good friends and it now on like in the time I was like god is this me like what does this have to do with me or anything it was that it was me it's all totally me but it took a while for me to find friends that i mean i'll be real like some of my best friends were out of convenience because we worked on a show together and then are now we're all friends with each other but like that's because we were a forced to be friends and then realized we still liked each other so i think that there's nothing wrong with being friends with people because you kind of have to and i'm not just making the best out of those friendships but like kind of giving them as much of a chance as you would to people who you might have totally parallel interests with you might

have more interest than you actually think you do right off the bat yeah that's what i would say and especially if you're too busy to like join a club or go do other stuff you're kind of setting yourself up for failure if you don't want to have convenient based friends but you don't have time to have any other friends based on convenience then either you got to choose do the convenient friends or just don't have friends at all which i also think there's i think it's better to if you really feel like you're not understood and they're not bringing you happiness i think it's much better to um focus on yourself than to kind of like sacrifice yourself to like just to be social just for the sake of being social says the anti-social girl i think she's so busy because

she's like probably working and also in school right yeah so i mean she's been in school for a while so presumably she'll be finished soon so hopefully with that newfound free time she can actually start doing some things that maybe she didn't have time for yeah like take a dance class or what have you. I like that idea. Also, who doesn't have friends based on convenience? I mean, that's where all your friendships come from. You happen to meet people.

Work, school. Yeah, you guys met auditioning, right? Yeah, we met on the show. That's where we developed a friendship. It's just that we, but at the same time, I feel like we became closer afterwards when we were making the effort to see each other.

Exactly. Like that's sort of the thing is like you have to test those limits and see like if I put in more effort, if they reciprocate, that's how you build the friendship. So it seems convenient at first and then you can build it into something more than that. Like once you move away from your hallmate, are you guys still trying to hang out?

Like, are you being friends with each other just because you're within the same like square foot distance? Or like when you're not together, are you guys thinking about each other and like saying hi and like checking in? I think that's where you can kind of, you can kind of see. But yeah, all of my friendships, I mean, my relationship was based on convenience. Swiped moths. Ayo. Okay. On to the next call.

Hi, Megan. so I have a friend that is very I think that we have a very toxic friendship but she doesn't really know it which clearly there is some toxicity there but so we knew each other in 10th grade and she kind of had her group of friends and I had my group of friends but we were acquaintances we were friends we were both kind of you know we came together because we're both I don't want to say active feminists but we do try our best to you know educate people on feminism and stuff like that. So we, we came together with that and we became friends because of that. Um, and then this year, Oh, well last year, actually in 11th grade, uh, she fell out

with the group of friends that she was with and she was alone, you know, and she came and she hung out with me cause I was the only acquaintance she knew that actually, uh, that didn't turn their back on her, I guess. And we became, we kind of became a very tiny group. We welcomed her with open arms. I, you know, I had no problem with that. And, you know, in the beginning of the year for semester, it was all fine. It was all good. Then I started noticing little things, you know, she's a very aggressive human being, uh, which is fine. I don't mind, but it's just, she likes to dish it out. She's mean to everybody. And I'm fine with being mean to my friends, you know, as jokingly matter, but she's all constantly screaming. She's constantly swearing

at us and it's she thinks that she's joking she's being cool but it's very aggressive and it's very insulting sometimes and it it's very just in your face and she's always yelling at us and it gets it gets to a point where I'm just like oh my god stop then I think in my head like if I tell her that she's gonna have nobody to hang out with and I don't want that you know I don't want to leave somebody friendless because it's horrible but she's just always yelling at us and she constantly thinks that she's, I don't want to say better than us, but she does. You know, whenever I get higher than her in a test, which, you know, happens, like if I get a pointer, she will be very, I don't want to say jealous, but just, she's not happy for me when I do. But when she gets,

when she gets higher than me, then she expects everyone to be over the moon. She genuinely thinks that she's the greatest human being in the room at all times. And she wants everybody to agree with her views but we can't sorry she wants yeah she wants everyone to agree with her views but she can't she can disagree with ours all the time but if we disagree with hers she gets hella mad she gets triggered she's always angry and I just don't like that in a friendship but I but I let it go I was like we'll just wait till the end of the year it'll be fine but she I don't want to leave her alone but she's also really it gets exhausting trying to tiptoe around her and try to not make her mad and just cater to her constantly and I don't know if I should continue

this friendship or if I should talk to her about it and just let her know like hey this isn't cool this isn't I'm not enjoying this friendship it's really hard for me mentally and physically so I don't know what I should do um so just help me I don't know what I should do with this friendship oh fuck this bitch yeah dude she's the fucking worst I can I good god wow such an easy answer it is so easy bitch needs to be left alone Aislinn's nicer than me though so no well that's what I was gonna say is that I appreciate how nice you are you're like such an empathetic person clearly uh caller um but I and I so I so appreciate the position you're in because I'd probably do the same thing if I was there just like thinking like oh but she's gonna be

alone and like she's probably going through a lot on her own like you know she probably hates herself secretly and that's why she lasers out at other people but like that's not a good enough reason to deal with someone else being an asshole to you. Like this actually sounds like my best friend from my childhood that she always got into fights with other people. But because I was always such a peacemaker, I never really noticed it with me. So I thought it was other people. And then I slowly started to realize that the actual problem was her and that I was being very accommodating to all of her needs, but not getting any of my needs in the friendship met. And then when I started going elsewhere for those needs she started telling me that I wasn't around enough

and that she didn't like I wasn't doing enough for our friendship and that's when we were no longer friends and it sucked but like you can only help people so much and when they're treating you like shit that's not a good reason to stay around I mean but I also I'm I'm down with your idea to talk to her if you want to like bring it up face to face and say look we're not into how you treat us or anyone else in the friend group like i say do that if it doesn't go well then cut your losses you don't need her yeah i think also i acelyn is also a very empathetic person like you are very like this is gets me into trouble this is you in a call like 100 thinking about the other person who's an asshole to you where i'm like fuck this bitch i've also been that been in that french

before where you don't it's like you it's like that you put the lobster in the cold water you turn the hot and you like slowly turn it up to hot that you don't really realize these terrible things that someone's doing or how they treat other people until you're something like holy shit how did i get so invested i'm burning alive but so i've been that where exactly what you're saying where you're a comp you're so accommodating for everyone else is like little things they like or don't like like and you're walking on eggshells and you're tipping toe rounding everything but they're not doing any of that for you and you end up sacrificing so much of your own happiness What brings you joy and your personality and all these things just to make someone else happy

And I also this is like the totally like pessimistic asshole part of me that i'm like you No matter what someone's going through in their life and what they're doing and what they're dealing with projecting that onto other people As much as you want to be understanding and think about it from their point of view and what they're going through At a certain point the only thing that is going to happen from that is it's going to put you in a worse place And it's not like you being like well, they're going through a really bad time So i'm just gonna suck it up and deal with it The only thing that's happening there is you're letting somebody you're justifying somebody else's like psychotic ways and letting them do this stuff And being like, you know what?

It's okay You can act like that because you're going through all these things and i'm going to sacrifice my happiness and my mental stability Because of that like of what you're doing So instead of us walking away from this of being like you can deal with your own stuff i am now going to say that like my mental well-being is less important than like making sure that you are coddled and happy which that just breeds like a terrible human being who thinks they can treat other people like that and then it just makes you feel like shit so it's not i i think not saying something is just hurting her more i think that's just you're letting her be kind of

a shitty person and thinking that she can get away continue being a shitty person and that people in her life should accommodate that I think you should definitely like say something because if it's out of left field I mean I'll be honest I think there's a very slim chance that she's going to change her ways like you know what you're right like I don't think it's likely I've been lashing out because I feel like this at home and I'm so glad you said something like I'm gonna totally change but a whole new woman but I think like I think if it was me I would definitely I would say something just so she also can't use it against you being like well that was out of left field you even give me you're not like ghosting her that you guys are just all

making plans without her like yeah i think it's a i think it's really cool of you to want to say something but then i think you give her i think you say you're like hey i just like want to have a sit down with you and talk um i and i would not do it with her sister and her other friends i would just do it as you otherwise it feels like you're being like she would feel like she's being ganged up on yeah and so i think saying it in person don't write a letter i think letters are so passive aggressive i good god i've had a letter like yeah no stuck in your locker no sydney wrote me a letter once and she was mad at me and then read it to me on the phone and now after it was like we got in two fights in our entire friendship and then after that i go by the

way never fucking do that again that was so mean and she was like oh yeah i think you're right and i was like yeah i was fucked up dude um because i had this image of my best friend writing a letter about why she was mad at me and i'm like that's a terrible idea like i don't want that in my head um but i would say like sit down with her just one-on-one and just be like hey i want to have like just a conversation with you and to talk to you about how i'm feeling um i know that we joke around with each other and like we'll like make fun of each other in kind of a play way but honestly how you've been doing it recently has really made me feel shitty about myself and i haven't i've been feeling pretty down about it i again wouldn't bring your other friends into it

and say so we've all been talking about how much we hate you exactly don't say that even though you have and i called a podcast too to talk about i want to hate you and the two girls on there also think you're a cunt um sorry are you allowed to say that on my show you can say whatever you'd like i love the word cunt yeah yeah cunty cunt cunt cunt cunt cunt um so yeah i wouldn't say i then i would just i would be honest i'd be like and i i really care about you and i really love you and um i know that this past year has been really difficult with you friendship wise and i always want to be there for you but right now i feel like i'm really sacrificing a lot of my own happiness because I'm trying to make sure you're really happy. And I don't know if this friendship

is what's healthy for us, both of us right now. And, um, I'm not saying that I don't think we should ever be friends again or anything like that. But I think for me, um, because I care about you and I hope you care about me, that you're okay. If we kind of take some time apart to, um, figure stuff out and then like, I'm always going to be here for you. But right now I really need to not be so invested because i feel like i'm kind of letting my myself slip to like the side we spend so much time analyzing like romantic relationships and saying like what happens between partners like this is okay and this isn't but i find with a lot of friendships we all let stuff fester because it's like not as serious yeah because you don't think of breaking up with

a friend but sometimes you need to do that sometimes you need to have a confrontation and say like this doesn't work for me it can help the other person you can absolutely you can make You can make your friendship stronger because you're being honest and you're saying, like, this doesn't work, but I value the friendship, so let's try to fix this. Let's assume for the sake of argument, too, that maybe she's, maybe it's just a matter of her approach to humor is just too caustic. Maybe she's not actually as terrible as she's being sort of painted in the coal. And also because it's Psychology 101, let's say it's probably because of some sort of self-loathing problem. It is. It probably is.

It definitely is. She's feeling insecure and less than you guys. But let's just assume it's just her humor. I think that's feedback that she might need. And she might need, she might need to hear that from you as a friend, realize there are consequences if she continues so that she can then go and change and then be a better friend to you and to others because she realized, oh no, there are consequences for being this kind of mean.

And also that mean girl thing does not, it doesn't, it doesn't fly. And also you can, you can also be a feminist and also be a bitch. like you can totally believe in equal rights for men and women and then also still kind of be a cunt so i think that can't cut her any slack i wish everybody was into you know that but i mean i i don't think that that can kind of be like a freebie pass i'm also not i'm also really not a believer in people who kind of chalk up to like probably like any any problems they're having personally and then taking it on other people because that's just not how you deal with your problems so you can't use as an excuse because you're gonna have problems your entire life

like childhood and adulthood. And there is no time at any, like in any point that people should be justifying how you're behaving because it's throwing a temper tantrum. It's like you're lashing out at other people because you're hurting and that doesn't help you or them. At the same time with that kind of thing. I always, I always tell my close friends that I cut them slack anytime that something is going on in their lives. And like, if they're short with me or something comes up, like, I'm like, I totally get it because our friendship is normally at a healthy place exactly if something happens and like you momentarily lash out at me i know why and i am not gonna get mad at you and this also is not the time for me to address it and say you

treated me bad because i know you're going through a lot of shit but if that's just your normal if that's just like the level and the way that they treat you all the time i know so many people going through such bad stuff and they always always have time for their friends and they always treat them well and i just don't think that that's a good enough excuse i don't think it is either yeah i think yeah talk to her straighten it out if you guys can't save the friendship i think you're gonna be fine without her okay guys we gotta take a quick break but we'll be right back thank you so much to rx bar for supporting don't blame me rx bar is a whole food protein bar made with 100% yeah you heard it here 100% whole ingredients and no bs such as no added sugar

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or if you don't even want to work out and you're like, I just want to eat this RX bar. You can do that. The world is your oyster or the world is your RX bar. That was good. I'm a huge fan of RX bars. As you might all know, I have a, oh God, I have like a grocery list of food allergies of things that I cannot eat at the grocery store. And RX bars actually don't have anything that I'm allergic to, which is incredible and amazing. They're really easy, super convenient. I can throw my bag, bring them to set with me if I'm working or if I'm not working, I can just eat three bars in a day and no one knows because I've hidden them. So my boyfriend can eat them all. Delicious flavors. There's peanut buttery ones. There's chocolatey, sea salty ones. There's fruity ones.

And it's great because we can divide and conquer because he likes the fruity ones. And I prefer the salty ones because I love me some salt. If you guys want to get 25% off your forced For store. If you guys want to get 25% off your first order at rxbar.com slash blame, you can do it by using the promo code blame. Again, that's rxbar.com slash blame promo code blame. Woo woo woo. The woo woo woo, you don't have to write it out. Just like say it in your head when you type in blame. Type in blame, then your head go woo. Hey, we're back. Did you miss us well i hope so because you're still here and we're still here on to the next call hey megan i'm 20 and i'm a college student and i have i'm going to keep this as short as i can so i have this

friend that's younger than me he um went to the beach for like four weeks with this group of guys and when he came back he um was like facetiming texting this guy all the time and he's kind of like a more feminine guy and um all of a sudden he like repeatedly comes to me like sobbing like cannot control um like his emotions and long story short I have a reason to believe that there's something going on between him and this guy and I've indirectly heard that he's admitted that he's gay to one of our other friends and I don't want to act like a fake friend and not not acknowledge it and not like and pretend to not know what's going on but I also don't want to put him on the spot because I know this is like his journey so my question is kind of like

have you had a friend that's gay that hasn't come to you about it like directly because I just he comes crying to me but then won't say anything about it so I don't really know how how to deal with it I love him he's so sweet and I just want him the best for him and don't really know what to do so please help me not your journey not your journey thanks for loving my podcast but it's not your journey hashtag not your journey hashtag not your journey yeah i mean it's it's just that's kind of because it could be a number of things it could be that he's not ready to come out to you or he's not ready to come out in general and just like is still thinking maybe i'm gay maybe i'm bi maybe like i'm pansexual i don't know and then also maybe he also just thinks you already know

i don't know you know like it's i had uh one of my best friends growing up just like i think we always knew that she was gay but it took her a while to figure it out but it's not like we were gonna tell her like hey you're super gay you're super posters of women all over your bedroom you're probably gay but you know we were letting her go on her journey and tell her tell us when she wanted to yeah oh i think there's totally a way to do it without being weird no i think there is no i think you say i think you say honey why are you upset are you having relationship issues and then you say what's their name

and then that's his opportunity if he chooses to and if he chooses not to then you back the fuck off yeah I think it also depends on what he's coming to her for

if he wants advice or if he wants it sounds like he is because he's coming to her sobbing is what she said but there's sometimes you just want to come

cry to a friend and you don't want to talk about what it's about and you can just be a warm body for a hug and I think you can also offer that as well I think give them

the opportunity because I think sometimes people might want the opportunity to know like this is a safe space you can talk to me about what's going on you don't want to feel like you're without yeah but also without saying directly you know um you know who is are you or aren't you because that's irrelevant the fact is if you're having a relationship issue you're

having a friendship relationship issue you know what i mean it's just like tell me tell me who hurt you basically exactly and then and then let that person then fill in all the blanks but i agree it's you can't out somebody especially she says she's 20 and her friend is younger so i mean sometimes people don't feel comfortable coming out until they're in their 20s that's very common i had a good friend in college who i knew he was gay i always knew but never said anything never brought it up it's also irrelevant exactly that's one of the things like this is not relevant for our friendship at all and he told me when we were in college that he liked me and he had a crush on me. And I remember my response. I was like, that's, I think we're really good friends

and I love you so much as a friend. And I think you love me a lot as a friend too, but I don't think that I honestly, and I was like, I'm flattered that you would say that, but I don't think that you're into me like that. I was like, I really don't think you are. And he's like, no, no, I'm pretty sure I am. And in that moment I could be like, no homeboy, you're fucking gay. But I, instead I'm like, you know what? Like I, well, I love you. And I think that's really sweet and that makes me happy i hope we can stay friends but i don't think i don't really see you like that yeah you also don't want to be wrong oh no my god can you imagine my god no but i also like i have i god i wonder if he's even listening to this i have a like one of my very very best

guy friends from like childhood growing up has has never identified his sexuality once ever we have been best friends since we were 10 years old not once ever have me or any of my other friends been like hey what gender or what like non-conforming gender do you identify with or are you into literally have never once asked it's never come up and that changed nothing in our friendship like i would not ever say that like we're not closer because he hasn't said or admitted what he what he is or is not into sexually identify these following ways exactly and it has changes nothing about a friendship and i get that it's hard to see someone so upset but why does it matter if he's upset over a boy or if he's upset over a girl he'll be upset over

like and heartbroken over anything i think your advice that you're going to give a friend who's heartbroken has no gender it really won't change based on the sexual orientation of who he's having a relationship with i totally understand also if he's told another friend of yours that he has come out to another friend of yours you might feel slighted and feel like wow why did this person get to know and like you feel closer to them than you don't want to tell me. Yeah. But it's not about you. And maybe there was a situation where that person, it just came up naturally, but I do agree with like teeing it up in a sense of being like, I'm going to give you an opportunity to say this. So you don't have to feel like you're pulling that out of the blue and just like

spewing it out. I'm going to give you an opportunity to say it. If you need that sort of like training wheel support and you can take it or you can not. And then I think if he doesn't take it i say just drop it and just be like a good ear and like a shoulder to cry on and then eventually he will or will not come out and i don't think it matters if he does or doesn't because it won't change your friendship him coming out to you is not going to prevent him from feeling like he has is having an identity crisis and accepting a sexuality like that that process of accepting it doesn't end with coming out to his friends it's dealing with coming out to his family it's dealing with like the social constructs around being gay and all of this other stuff that

doesn't just because you're going to be accepting doesn't mean every other step is going to be easier. So I think it's like, you can't avoid, he has to go through that journey and he can't avoid it. And I guarantee you at this point from even just your call, you sound like you're super supportive of it. And he knows, like, he knows that you're super supportive. I don't think you need to be explicit in saying it, but you can, you can say like, just generally like, Hey, you know, I love you. And if you want to talk, I'm always here. And if you don't want to talk, I'm also here like we can just we can hang out and talk about anything or we can talk about what's bothering you like just yeah i'm here for you no matter what it is exactly and then you're not

being another because i'm sure he's probably getting pestered by all these other sides and if you can be that person who's like god i know that i can go hang out with her and i know she's not going to ask me about it or question me about it and i can just be myself you're not another hurdle he has to jump over so it's also your no offense you're probably not the one he's like struggling to tell. I think if he's like coming, having a hard time coming to terms with it, it's probably telling people who aren't going to be as supportive. And you're probably one where he was like, well, I know she'll be easy with this. It'll be great. And that kind of a thing. So I don't necessarily think that you need, he needs to be super explicit with you of his

sexuality in order to know that you support him. I think you can support him without, um, like he's been saying without, with just saying like, I love you unconditionally. Um, and your support doesn't have to be, um, in the whole, like, by the way, I know you're gay and I like that yeah and and for his sexuality to not have to be his whole yeah like waking life that that's the only thing he's thinking about or talking about with his friends if he can have like a break from like thinking about this really tough time in his life you know like it's hard to to make that to be coming out because also a friend of mine explained like coming out is not just like a one-time deal like it's something that you have to then do for the rest of your life and

that I think is a really tough door to open and say like okay this is just gonna be forever this going to be my daily life now so if he's taking his time and figuring it out i think you can just be there for him as a friend well you're not going to believe this but we have come to the end already wow yeah we've been recording for this long now shut the oh my god we can talk too much no this is ace was nervous before this and i was like is you i made her moths was out of town for like a week and i made her stay over and literally sleep over for a week straight and all we did was talk yep well you're very good at we have time for one more call just one more um which yeah so i've um this is the part of the show it's producer's corner that's right

oh yes can you explain what producer's corner is i can't but asin also knows but i've been because i'm a super fan but it's okay explain it to me in person um producer's corner is when producer director jack fairy he picks his favorite call most memorable call a call that he wants us to focus our attention on. It's usually pretty groundbreaking to give like the extra good advice. Like we've reserved the really, really good advice for right now.

I've saved my turbo engine. Yeah, I feel like this one's very appropriate for like the themes of today's episode. So let's hit it. It's about girls and vaginas. Do it. Feminism. Hi, Megan.

I've got the question for you that I think you'd be perfect to answer for me. So where do I begin here? All right. So for a while now, my favorite well you know what i would rather than say names i'll just say my favorite team has been having issues with um getting hits while there's runners in scoring position and um yeah you know now really tough season and um you know they're up against some of the

best pitching in the league and uh you know they just can't seem to produce when you know they've got runners on and um you know it's problematic like you can't win games if you can't score runs you know that is baseball it's baseball give to uh these players they're just getting in their heads and not seem to be able to uh produce when the spotlight's on them the big moment you know we're trying to get the world series here any advice you have will be great thanks wow i would say uh go giants that's a baseball team it is that's my baseball team nice yeah i think uh based on all of that uh the detail in that one um i'm gonna take a wild guess and say it's the the the yankees hey i'm cheating because jack's wearing that hat he's watching the game earlier

leo thought it was the mets um he did think it was the hey he got he got the city right he did It's pretty easy. But yeah, to all the New York Yankee players out there who are listening to this podcast. Guys, keep your head up. Pay attention. Look within. Look alive.

Look within. Go Wildcats. Go Wildcats. We're all in this together. Get your head in the game. Yeah, that's the key one. Get your head in the game. Bop to the top.

I knew you guys would be able to solve this. I know, right? I'm so glad that I picked this call for this episode. I am too. Yeah, we should be, like, sports psychologists. Do those exist? Oh, yeah. They actually, they do have people that come and, like, help people.

Do not help the players because that's Mott's dream. I find it so crazy, like, how much. Being a sports psychologist? Okay. He says no, never mind. He's very mad about that idea. Like, sports players can get really, really superstitious about playing. And I find that so funny.

As Jack wears a baseball cap for the first time, I've ever seen him wear a baseball hat. I always wear a baseball hat during the playoffs. Well, no, that's what I'm saying. You're being superstitious. I've never seen you wear it aside from this. Well, actually, it's more in the spirit. You know, it's the same way that you would wear like a...

Like a cheerleading uniform. Like how you would wear a Christmas sweater at a Christmas party. Oh, Jack knows my brand. Just saying. Hell yeah. I'm being in the spirit of the season. It's the post-season, so I'm wearing a baseball hat.

But anyway. Yeah, but seriously, if you can't score runs, you're not going to win games. So any advice you have... for these players. Wait, so what are they not doing? You know, they get men on and then they can't hit them home.

So it's like a problem. For the record, no matter what, this just sounds so sexual. They get men on and they can't hit it home. They can't hit it home. You can't score

if you're not playing. Well, it is funny because it's like there's the bases. First base, second base, third base. What do you think the bases are? What do you think the bases are? Haven't we had,

we've talked about this before. We've had a debate. We've talked about everything. So let's just talk about it on the air. well I guess first base is kissing making out

all that stuff second base is chest area under the shirt whatever anything above the belt and then third base I've just always assumed

is like having sex I don't know where do blowjobs go it's the four F's okay well we talked about this with Mel Mel chime in again

on this mic here Mel I've just never heard anyone refer to like having sex as like I hit a home run last night I mean 16 year olds

okay Mel got it yes Mel French Phil finger fuck and I learned a new one too

the dugout Felicio the dugout is that ass work yeah that's an ass work that's some booty play that's some booty play

we somehow managed to take this stupid sports question and turn it into sex editing turn it into buttholes that's Megan's brand it is my brand

well this was such a fun episode Asa Paul where can people find you oh you can find me on uh instagram and twitter at ace and paul at both of them because my name was not taken yeah good job good job with your name having an unusual name yeah thanks parents thanks mom and dad you got great parents too shout out to your parents yeah shout out to deborah and brian they probably will listen i love them if you guys um enjoyed this episode we would love you lived at leaved fuck guys i'm gonna speak english one day first

i'm gonna tell all of you if you liked this episode leave a review on the apple podcast app we would love it rate five stars like my aggressive uber who would not let me leave the car until i did it he was the worst he also offered to turn off the uber like ride thing no no always say no i know because he was like hey you're picking your friend up like why don't like she just hop in here and then i'll take you there and i was like oh i don't think she's ready yet he's like well i'll turn off the ride thing and so you don't have to pay and i'm like so i can get in your car and it's going to say you dropped me off here and then i'm in your unmarked vehicle for the whole time and i'm not accounted for i'm not stupid sir all right so leave us five stars yes leave us five

stars moral of the story and then if you guys want to leave us a voicemail if you need our advice or if you um are a caller from a previous episode or this episode you want to give us a update on your life we would love to hear so you can call us at 310-694-0976 again that is 310-694-0976 we would love to hear from you we would love to hear about your life and the things that are happening and what you need help and if you're an international caller because international people have problems too just because you don't have trump doesn't mean your life doesn't suck sometimes oh that's a good tagline yeah it's a very long one you guys can send a voice memo by recording on your phone and then just emailing it to meganpodcast at gmail.com

ok guys hope you enjoyed this episode go follow Aislinn go follow me go follow Jack Ferry go follow everybody just only if they ask for it consensual following consensual following ok we will see you in two weeks goodbye

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