Don't Blame Me! - S1E19: Guest: Jarrett Sleeper - Fizzling Sex Life!

Episode Date: December 22, 2017

Actor Jarrett Sleeper is here and we share our own struggles with mental health plus give advice on some of yours. This week we’re delving into stress over finals, if you should tell you ex-friend that you made her boyfriend swallow his own cum, and what to do if your boyfriend hasn’t said, “I love you,” after two years of dating. Plus, how to deal with the pressures of the holidays. Seasons Greetings![phone], or international listeners can email me at [e-mail]...with your question and as much detail as possible. And I will do my best to offer my words of wisdom.If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only. Don’t blame me if it ruins your life. lol, jk, my advice is always the best.- Thanks to Aaptiv for supporting our podcast. New members get 50% off annual membership http://www.aaptiv.com/BLAME.Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

this episode of don't blame me is brought to you by active active produces audio-based workouts created by certified personal trainers available through a mobile app new members get 50 off an annual membership. Visit Aptiv.com slash blame. That's A-A-P-T-I-V.com slash blame. Okay, everybody. Hello. Welcome back to Don't Blame Me. This is my podcast. My name is Megan. It's an advice podcast. And guess who we have here to give you some wonderful advice. It's Jared Sleeper. Hey. That's me. I'm Jared Sleeper. Hello. Hi. Hello. Hello. I'm very honored to be here oh my god i'm so honored for you to be here as i sit here looking very professional in my unicorn uh you know it looks good i wish i i have i love airbrushy t-shirts in general i know i wore

this and i was like you know who's not gonna judge me jared and guess what you're wearing normal fucking clothes i'm saying i feel bad because i almost wore my airbrush wolf t-shirt see is it from a mountain art wear it is from a gas station on the five somewhere this one's from a gas station in a salt lake city utah and it's from mountain art wear big fan mountain art wear If you're listening, I would really love another package. I'm a huge fan. Wow, that's amazing. I worked this MTV Movie Awards.

Yeah. Yeah. That's what you do. I feel like that's appropriate. Fun brand. It's just like, you know, in the zeitgeist. It is. I'm a huge fan.

And now it's trendy again. But I started it or we started it. Aesthetic AF. Aesthetic with two C's. That's my new thing. Where? Where? At the end.

Oh, okay. Like thick. Oh, like thick. Like I have a thick aesthetic. But you have to do it with a Q, because I don't like thick with a K. I like thick with a Q. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good.

Thick, like I-Q-U-E. Yeah, with a lot of H's. Yeah. Thick. I definitely don't. I would never do thick with a K ever again. No. I'm thick with two C's these days.

Okay. But I'm open to changing. Open to the Q? Open to the Q. Q needs more love. Q's not getting a lot of a, not in a lot of words. Q's and A's, what your podcast is about. Oh, questions and answers.

Wow, good segue. Thank you. That was impressive. I feel good about it. Yeah, guys. So basically, if you're tuning in for the first time, how this podcast works is you guys call the phone number and you leave us voicemails telling us things that are happening in your life.

And we give you some advice and try and do our best to help you out of these situations. And if you want to call and leave a voicemail, the phone number is 310-694-0976. Wow. I wrote it. First of all, guys, I just want to say that I wrote it down, but I wrote it down wrong and I corrected myself out loud. that is like that's impressive wow this sounds like i don't have adhd that's this out i'm curious do you i just got just i just yeah i just started medication oh my god it is fucking

life-changing it's life-changing you're gonna feel smart and you're gonna be really pissed that you can't go back to high school it's gonna make me emotional right now to talk about it like um the first because i put it off for a very long time oh hell yeah seeing a psychiatrist i thought a ton of therapists i've done tons of meditation and various physical practice whatever my dad i knew had this prescription along with uh bipolar 2 um i feel comfortable talking about my dad's mental health because it's my dad um and i hated what the drugs in my perception did to him i think he's way over prescribed and it turned him into a different person it freaked me out so i avoided it forever and i realized after going finally uh to see a psychiatrist that a therapist in the past

recommend it and i just said no no this is why this is not hilariously no problem self-medicating with alcohol or marijuana that i got prescribed in california or whatever no problem but i wasn't about to do that great for other people always like oh yeah yeah totally it's great but not for me and it was life-changing it's fucking life-changing i like felt smart in a way i hadn't felt since i was a very small child when i felt like i'd have a thought and then i'd do a thing instead of it feeling like i saw like a bjork meme the other day with a quote from bjork was like something like just trying to communicate every day is like trying to fit an ocean through a straw yes wow i was like wow and just that feeling that like everything inside your brain is like

just can't fit through this drain um it's like it's it's like i'm not it's like amazing maria bamford wrote some great op-ed about falling in love recently and she's had very public struggles where she talks about openly her mental health struggles and in one of these little lines that really blew me away was she said like she felt like after she got through treatment she would be lovable again but um she wrote lovable and right after lovable in parentheses she wrote productive and this like equation with like what do you get done what do you make how productive are you that's your worth your lovability that's everything i attach these moral values to like my ability to get things done being able to go like no you there's some leaky pipes that you've got

in your weird body and you think that they are who you are but it's just it's just your wiring and some people's wiring works better or faster or cleaner but has nothing to do with like yourself yeah anyway if you have ever been i think maybe because of the nature of the podcast if anyone's listening who has thought about but avoided the psychiatry hey yeah give a shot in conjunct with a great therapist i think you can be really good i can't wait to hear you answer these uh or give some advice to people sorry okay no don't be sorry you're doing what you're supposed to do this is your job for the next however long copy that except i'm not paying you by the way i appreciate that international callers if you want to get our advice on your life predicaments record a voice

memo on your phone you can email it to meganpodcast at gmail.com and um we will be able to play that on the air and give you advice so we can take calls from the u.s and everywhere else in the world but i'm not going to name more places because i went to alternative learning and my geography is not too solid okay guys mel's here hey hello how you doing i'm doing great enjoying very happy to be here with both of you guys i'm happy too should we get into the first call let's go for it um my name is i'm 24 years old i have a little bit of problem with one of my best friends so i moved away for about eight months and then i came back and i only really had a couple of friends left when i came back and one of them is he's my best friend he recently

started dating this guy like three months ago there's been a lot of problems with their relationship like just like personal problems for each of them individually well less than a month ago they got engaged after only dating for a couple of months and um when they started dating he kind of stopped talking to me like stopped um being as much as like a friend and was there when I needed him and I don't want to sound selfish but like I he's my only friend that I have and so now he told me like a week ago he accidentally dropped the bomb and told me that they were getting married within the next two months and first of all I'm not a huge fan of the boyfriend and I'm just scared I'm going to completely lose my friend we work together and

we're really close with our boss so me and her have talked about it and she totally feels the same way like he's completely changed he's not who he used to be and I just don't know what to do I don't want to lose my best friend but I'm not supportive of their relationship let alone them getting married with only knowing each other for a few short months I need your help thank you Self-containment, I think, is a common theme with a lot of these calls. When something bothers you so much about somebody else in their life, I think the important thing is to go, you know, look at your life and say, why? Clarifying the boundaries between where you end and other people begin. And not just, I think we always get that couched as respecting other people's boundaries and saying like, hey, that's not your life.

But also, more importantly, more self-care to me, understanding codependency, which I'm not saying this person is codependent at all, but that there are aspects of it that resonate with the codependency I've struggled with in the past, is when you have an intertwining, when this person is somehow imbued, you're imbuing them with power over your own life, your own well-being. This is my only friend. If they aren't here, part of my thing, what am I going to do? yeah you you've already given away a lot of your power and put a lot of pressure on another being that is not okay that's like not deserved or they can't be responsible for so i think the first important thing that is really liberating for one's own self is figuring out why is it so important to me that this other person continues to have this role in my life and especially i think i'm thinking about the age a lot too 24 is a real transition time in everyone's lives

This is the perfect time to learn this lesson. You know, when you're younger and life is more fragile, you know, I think sometimes we really do rely more on those close relationships and those kinds of feelings of betrayal can be harder and to me a little more reasonable to try to avoid. But this is a really good time to say, okay, what if I'm just alone for a while?

What would that be like? I spent a lot of time relatively alone right around that age. I had a long relationship, a high school sweetheart, 16 to 24. We broke up right around then. It was really hard, really bad, didn't end well. And I'm not saying I handled it well. I think I went through a really dark period of time,

but really profound growth and learning about these kind of ideas, about like how do I sustain my own psyche, my own well-being, whatever. So I think that is my first feeling. I don't know. Do you want to? i agree with i agree with that i think there's um especially when caller's saying that there's the fear of losing her friends and also not liking this guy and i wonder how much those are tied to each other and um if if the feelings you have towards this boyfriend of your friends is be these negative feelings you have is because you're afraid you're going to lose your friend

and you can kind of vil i mean honestly i can vilify fucking anybody absolutely and especially when it's someone that i feel is i feel threatened by like i've felt this way about like when my friends make new friends and i can i can completely which is a fucked up thing to do but i can completely make them into these people and find and nitpick these things i fucking hate because they're taking my friend away from me or anything like that well and also i think that's hand in hand with her the thing that they said about we both agree that they're this person's not the same person anymore that person's living their life you have to be okay with that and i would say i've gone through periods of time where i believe i was the i was the friend where i was

you know engaging not being myself quote unquote and you know whatever i had to go through that time to then become yourself to become myself which might mean returning to who i was before But that's, that's, you have to be okay with everybody having their individual journey. And anytime you feel that kind of fear around what somebody else living their life and doing their thing and making their choices and feeling that that's affecting you so deeply, I think you really got to take a moment to have some Zen conversations with yourself about your attachments and why. And, you know, I always think of it like I heard this great thing once in a documentary thing maybe about like a woman who worked with like troubled youths or something like that. And this kid with an aggression problem, they said to him, like he said to his counselor, like, sometimes these other people, they just push my buttons. And the counselor stopped the kid and was like, what? They push what? And he goes, my buttons.

And they were like, yeah, your buttons. And it's up to you if you like let other people come in and press your buttons. like we have that choice to like they're your buttons yeah so if this person is making if it's making you feel a bad way that they're gonna go away or just think just when they're living their life and their truth moment to moment even if you think it's not their truth doesn't matter you gotta just take that time it's growing up sucks sometimes oh god yeah and you can't really interfere um as you can't really i think unless someone's being put in physical danger you can't really interfere with someone else's journey because if anything it's just gonna fucking

backfire on you. And the amount of friends that I've had who haven't liked someone that I've dated those friendships, we went through periods of being like, well, no, I'm going to choose this relationship over this friendship, but that wasn't permanent. Those friendships I have with those people, they were rekindled. So I think my overall advice to you would, I think if your friend's happy, I think put that into perspective. And as much as you want, you have this idea of your friend and when they're being the most themselves especially because you're away for a while and you came back and he had this new relationship you might not know so much about this relationship or their relationship in general i know it took fucking forever for my boyfriend to open up to

my friends and now finally after a year they're like oh i fully fucking understand why you're together this completely makes sense like well yeah because you're not you you don't live here you don't see us on a day-to-day kind of basis so i think if you can just be happy for him as long as he's happy and not i mean and if you like not not to be like the worst case scenario thing but i mean maybe they won't fucking end up together maybe like this there will be some demise but i think the best thing you can do as a friend is to kind of as long as he's safe and like emotionally and physically if you can just still be by his side and be able to be that friend he can open up to and be that confidant if something ends up going south you can be there

to talk it out with him and he's not going to like just bottle all of that up so you don't tell you and i told you like it's not that i told you so kind of thing you'll be good got faith in you yeah okay on to the next call hi megan i am 20 years old and i am a sophomore in college and i'm dealing with the stress of four sorry four exams and a final and a very long paper and i was wondering if you had any ideas on a how to handle stress when in college and be kind of like fitting a workout routine into a crazy schedule because i need to relieve stress and i need a workout plan to relieve stress and that would be great because i'm swimming up to my eyeballs in stress did you go to college nope nope me neither i mean you went for a little bit i did i went a little bit

Okay, cool. So we both combined might have not a full degree, but enough units that we could have completed a good amount. General education? Maybe something like that? I don't know. You do all stress.

I think we all do all stress. By being like sort of this weird, whatever this world is, this freelancer, permalancer, gig economy thing, stress is like just breakfast. No, it's insane. One of my best friends was just here in town this weekend. She's 22 and she's going into,

I'm not going to name by name, because she'll be fucking killing me when I tell when I actually say the story she's going into her final for a general education course with a d minus and she has to maintain the d minus in order to pass and it was just crazy to me to see uh just to see her fully within the span of like 30 seconds hysterically break down over this grade and it was her sister and I sitting there with her being like I fucking wish I could tell you that this kind of stress that you're dealing with is going to leave once you're out of college but it's not so what's more important for us we were saying to her is like we need to deal with how stressed you are about this it's not about

the fucking test i think that's so true it was so much more about the fact that i'm like you right now losing your absolute mind and feeling so fucking terrible yeah that's the bigger issue it's not about whatever grade you get in biology right and i think that's actually a good thing to keep in perspective yeah one finite like this this time will pass and in retrospect i don't think any of this is gonna matter if you get a degree you got the degree and I don't know how much that degree even matters anymore yeah it doesn't it doesn't good to know right yeah so yeah so take it easy on yourself we should go into like those stress management yeah tactics that you what do you do I would say I think um this is something that I wish I wish that I

learned earlier on I think I learned how to be I learned I think I learned how to be anxious and how to be stressed really really early before I learned that I was being anxious and I was being stress and that those were things I needed. Those weren't, uh, they're totally normal, typical things, but there aren't something that I'm going to grow out of or are going to get better by ignoring them. And I wish, I would say understanding stress and anxiety as a chemical response in your brain, feelings, aren't facts, feelings, aren't reality. So, so dealing with understanding that those that are manageable and that you just use some goddamn stratagems and you can handle it and that like whatever you're going through and you're like, Oh, how am I going to get

all this done is uh that's just a thing that's not helped by your brain i was i was uh think of my my good bad brain like i'm grateful to for all the things but it definitely fucks me over a lot of times too so lists i like lists yes i was gonna say so post-it notes are like the greatest thing ever i think post-it notes lists for everything i do lists on my phone um even now where it's just like a to-do list of everything i need to get accomplished and then i set alarms on my phone for those things i think time management you're also talking to some two people who have adhd real bad so they had to figure some stuff out though yeah but i think time management too i think is the biggest component of um what what would contribute the most distress for me is

feeling like i had this world of these things to do and there wasn't enough hours in the day which yeah some fucking days that's true that's true but i think if you can write everything down that you need to do and you can prioritize it in order of importance and how long it's going to take you and stick to a schedule and then also give yourself breaks and force the breaks yeah and not beat yourself up for this because no matter how fucking calm cool and collected everybody else might seem they're all losing their shit losing their fucking shit um lists are great my friend gave me a really fun thing that she does with lists that i started doing if i do lists which is at the end of it you just write um make a list so you can check it off right away i do that too you do it's nice right

Because you feel like you start, you're functioning. And then don't feel bad. The list is just a tool. So if you spiral out of control and list an impossible amount of things, don't feel bad if you don't finish them all. Just start over again tomorrow, whatever. And the exercise, I will say, is really important. Your body, it's just like a dog, man.

There's not really bad dogs. There's just like unexercised dogs. I do have a tip for tight schedule exercising. I use it all the time. There's a protocol, an exercise called Tabatas. I stalk yours on Instagram when you post them. Thank you. It's very fast.

You're a machine. I try. But like Tabatas are, the basic Tabata is four minutes. It's eight intervals of 20 seconds of work followed by 10 seconds of rest. And the 20 seconds of work, you do it one of two ways. You can either try to like hit a certain amount of reps on a movement. like I'm going to do 10 pushups in every working thing till the end of this, or I think the better way to do it, if you have limited amount of time and you're just trying to like get that workout

when you don't have time to work out, you go balls to the wall for the 20 seconds, as hard as you can pick a movement, pick a full body movement. I would suggest like squats or lunges or, um, burpees. And for those full eight intervals, you do 20 seconds as hard as you can. You do burpees and then you rest for 10 seconds and then it goes hard as you can for 20 more and then rest for 10 seconds it's really miserable you will be you will not believe how tired your body feels after just working your ass off for 20 and on 10 off for four minutes that's all it takes four minutes but it totally works and you can string a bunch from together if you want like do one that's push-ups the next one's sit-ups the next one's whatever and those will turn into very challenging

workouts, but that is my go-to. I have no time. I have literally 10 minutes. I got to get in the shower. I'll do two Tabata's back to back of squats and pushups or burpees or something like that. I highly recommend T-A-B-A-T-A. Just use the timer on your phone, or you can download Tabata timers, or you can go on YouTube and look up Tabata timers. There's so many. If you look on Pinterest, there's a ton of like, they'll give you different ideas for those kinds of workouts. but I would also say, I think, um, a huge theme. I only really started, I always was like a physical person. Like I grew up dancing. I grew up doing all that stuff, but it was only in the last like almost year ish, probably like eight, nine months that I've gotten very into exercise.

And it's the most that I've been in control of my anxiety and stress. And I think what I would also say is people can get really stressed about working out because they need to work out because it'll make them feel less stressed. And I think you need to be easy on yourself. And also there's these, it's this, this system that we have when it comes to exercise. I don't know if it's just in LA, but it's like, Oh, I'm going to go take a Pilates class. And this is, again, this is very me, or I'm going to go take soul cycle. But if I don't have that, all of that's going to take so much time. So then I can't do that. So I think if you can look at it, um, as a day to day kind of beast of maybe you have 10 minutes here, you can do a 10 minute workout here. You have another 20

minutes here. You can do 20 minutes there. And by the time you finished your day, you've added up to have gotten enough physical movements and exercise. And there might be other days where you have an hour to go do something. But if you're open to kind of the ebb and flow of making sure that the workout works with your life, but it's not this one strict thing, and if you can't fit that in,

then it doesn't matter and it's not worth doing it at all. You know, like take the mystery out of it. Yeah. Just move. Yeah, it's not as complicated as everyone else makes it out to be. You can pick up heavy things. You can, yeah, start small, whatever.

Get a jump rope. Don't even get a jump rope. Just jump around. Who cares? Yeah. It's easy. Turn on some music, jump around. And keep in mind, stress and anxiety,

those chemicals are your brain's best efforts at helping you. It doesn't mean they're right. They're just chemicals in your brain that are trying to help you. So be like, thank you, body. Thank you for the anxiety and stress. I know I got things to get done. And I'm going to take a couple steps, lists, timers. That's it.

It's easy. Yeah, you'll get this. Breathe. You'll graduate. I mean, you've made it farther than both of us. So you're doing good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On to the next one.

Hi, Megan. I'm 23 years old, and I've been in a relationship for two and a half years with a female. This is both of our first same-sex relationship and both of our first long-term relationship. We used to have sex pretty often, enough that I wasn't thinking about the frequency, but for a year now, the amount of sex has certainly decreased, first to a few times a month, then to about once a month, and now sometimes we even go more than a month without sex. I've been open about speaking about the situation with my partner as I would like to be having sex more often um and we're both very affectionate with each other we're vocal about how much we

love each other and having found the one in each other um and she says she isn't sure why sex now makes her nervous and she feels almost like she's doing something she's not supposed to um she enjoys finishing and doesn't want to feel this way but we tend to just mutually masturbate when we are having sex and oral pleasure is far and few between i would like us to get back to the place that we had been in once where we were experimenting having fun having sex often um i miss the connection and i would really appreciate any advice you can give thank you so it's not easy no uh shit yeah it's not easy uh okay i would say one the first thing i want to say because it's something you said near the end of the call i know that it i think

the core concept here is about shame right is like shame around because even approaching your partner about this like there's all this inherent there's this cultural shame about being like like you're you're something's wrong with you for being too horny or something like that yeah it's like this like this female thing of being like i shouldn't want this as much like you said at the end that that that feeling that you want that feeling of connection to your partner and that can be very difficult if you feel like you want more physical connection that is about so much it's just about more than nothing you know what i mean it's more than like i just got to get off that's very challenging so i think first of all like let it be okay that this is not easy no yeah

you know that this is a legit thing to talk about yeah and i think my i don't know i guess my first question would be because i mean she's saying that she's her partner saying she's not sure why she's feeling like this and she's but the nervous and feeling like this she's not supposed to be doing something like that after you guys have been together for two years i guess one of my questions to be uh trying to figure out what what's shifted and like if there's been a kind of change i mean my first thing is just because she's saying that she's nervous and it's something not supposed to it kind of eliminates what my original question was going to be is if she had recently gone on any different medication if she had gone on antidepressants which can like totally

ruin your sex drive yeah and so that's kind of what i was gonna say but if it comes from but like life changes too like um you know family stuff work stuff like things can happen things that aren't necessarily mathematically induced to be honest like the political climate dude that's real i mean yeah i i uh i think i'm grateful i think after 30 since like 31 or something like that i'm like i can't even tell you how delighted i am that like my horniness is just decreased i like i i think i pictured in my head a horny h-o-r-n-e-r-h-o-r-n-y-e-s-s-e horniness like the the horniness because it is very challenging when the chemicals are just like oh i'm 22 um and that's mixed in with your emotions and your connections i mean communication

patience are like gonna be the biggest important things you gotta just keep talking to your partner and do it in a way that's like no presh about like to try to understand those feelings a relationship is much more than your sexual connection like a million times more and my question is they're still physical with each other in like a affectionate way so i'm also curious what um at what point does where where does she feel nervous after what level of like physical i don't know like any of that affection like what she said this was the only same-sex relationship that they both had had they both been in but she's starting to feel two years and then starting to feel so and they're still mutually masturbating yeah like around each other i wonder which means

just themselves yeah yeah in the same room or near each other yeah which i mean i wonder i mean there's also i the i wonder how if you guys can have a conversation um with her and if she's open to um i think there just needs to be which i mean women are great at this in kind of uh breaking down each other's walls and that kind of shame because i think you probably both feel this you feel like you're like am i asking for too much am i being there am i am i expecting too much out of this and am i uh objectifying this person that i love because i really i really need this physical connection which by the way you're not and then your partner she might be like am i disappointing you am i no longer all of this and am i no longer living up to the person that i had been before

and i think both of you just need to be super fucking honest and admit the awkwardness and the shame that you both might feel with this and figure out what it derives from because i think there there needs to be an open line of communication because i don't know if she's open to figuring out why she's feeling like this maybe she knows why she's feeling this and feels awkward embarrassed doesn't want to tell you i think yeah i mean bodies too are like a very mysterious blend of like psyche and chemicals and whatever and pressure nothing destroys libido more than pressure and i'm saying this as a man i'm saying this recognizing it in female partners and friends like if you feel like you've got to be something for someone else oh boy yeah nothing's

happening i mean she said this one line in in the phone call where she said um i mean we know that we're each other's one yeah i just kind of threw that away um there's a lot loaded in that statement as a 22 year old saying like i mean we know each other's one and for some reason that keeps popping back in my mind as something to maybe think about and say like if you're two years in it's the first same-sex relationship you ever had and you know that you're each other's one i remember being in this relationship when i was 22 right and i was six years in with this uh right something like that with my my one and i remember the first time noticing another woman i thought because my ideas about monogamy and true love and these things when i was like 16

Romeo and Juliet which is the fucking stupidest shit ever right like something that ends in like a mutual suicide pact after three days right this is not a good example for real love um I remember being like oh this is if I even was attracted to somebody else clearly I'm a fraud clearly my love is fake I just drew these weird pressures in my head and I remember being like the first time I noticed a woman even on the street another that I was attracted to and double taking with myself and going what just happened and having this like crisis of like who am i so if you're 22 and you're having weird things like i don't feel as aroused or as attracted i don't i feel weird feelings of shame like maybe i'm not supposed to do this now like you can vortex yourself into like

really a lot of guilt and like self-destructive behavior that only make it worse it needs to be okay that whatever's going on is going on and there's the there's that's so much pressure to be 22 and be someone's only other significant other and know that they love you and know that you love them I still like to hug them and kiss them and be affectionate I love this person but maybe that person's thinking not saying that's what's happening here but it's possible this other person could be like I don't know if I want to be yeah this only one person the only woman who I've ever been with but I don't want to hurt their feelings and I do love them like maybe there's deeper conversations to be had yeah I think you know that it needs there's no I think

it's highly unlikely that this boils down to just sex and that it's impossible i'm gonna say right now so that's what i think uh if if you guys are regarding it as such i think you're not gonna figure out what is causing this um and i think whether yeah i just think it needs to be a kind of uh i don't know like say being able to be open and honest and be okay with you might hurt each other's feelings but if you don't really say how you're feeling and what you want you're never gonna fucking get it yeah and it has to be okay whatever that person says what they're feeling what they want is okay yeah so if you really love that person like whatever their answer is to what they're going through has to be okay yeah um i think it could be it could literally be a multitude

of things but if you always continue to try and get back to where you used to be a year ago it's not what you need to fucking do you need to go ahead like this is a part of your journey in your relationship it might be a part that you totally get through but there's you can't try and get back to where you were before you can only go from where you are now and i think if both of you are trying to get back somewhere else it's just not going to happen maybe it could be i'm not saying we're not saying that she maybe it's not a lack of love there anymore but maybe she's no maybe she's aroused by different things now maybe the things that you were turned on before she's not anymore and doesn't know how to say that because we're trying to get back to the sex that you had

last year when she wasn't into those other things but i think everything's gonna everything's gonna turn out i think it's not fine cool hell yeah hell yeah great guys so we're gonna take a pee break so everyone can go pee um and we will be right back you can go pee too if you want to this episode of don't blame me is brought to you by active active produces audio-based workouts created by certified personal trainers available through a mobile app active it makes the highest quality training available to everyone with a carefully selected group of certified personal trainers that guide you through every workout the trainers have a wide array of personalities so you can even find the personal training style that motivates you the best plus Aptiv's in-house

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That's A-A-P-T-I-V.com slash blame. Okay, guys, we are back from our break. We've been chatting. We've been snacking on avocados. We can't stop chatting. We can't stop chatting. It's pretty good. It's great.

It is. Good thing it's a podcast. Oh, yeah. Hold on. Let me adjust a little bit. ASMR. The second half of this podcast is going to be about having just great chatty conversations. Okay, we don't have to do that.

I kind of want to, but we won't. No, we can go on to the next call. Okay, Megan. So I just got home from probably the craziest shit that has ever happened to me. um so I just got home from hooking up with this guy and please try your best like not to start laughing um but basically I was giving him a blow job and I know spitters are quitters but like I was not in the mood to swallow okay like I I just like I can but like I just I just wasn't down you know so I decided to finish him off with my hand and I didn't realize that I was pointing his dick

directly to his face and so he ended up coming all over his face and shot straight into his mouth so that's just a quick back story of what just went down but I just came home and found out that he has a girlfriend and his girlfriend is my ex-best friend who slept with my boyfriend at the time. So should I tell her that I made her boyfriend swallow his own cum or do I swallow my pride and be the bigger person? Because every ounce of my body wants to expose him and just ruin their relationship like she did to mine, but I know that it's not the right thing to do. So I just want a little input on the situation. Maybe it will help somebody else.

I don't know how similar my problem can be to somebody else, but I'm sure there's someone out there that has something similar going on. But, yeah, anything helps. Wow. I also just really like the idea, like in my head, just based on how she said this, I literally have to tell you what just happened. I just in my head have this idea that she's still sitting in her car

outside of his house. and just this was the first call that she made was to the podcast um there's layers on that there's layers on layers in that story oh it is it's dramatic um first of all i would just like to say i'm not again would never name names but one of my guy friends uh uh was masturbating and um shot come on his face and it was the greatest funny have i shown you it was your screensaver on your phone for a while picture yeah no so he automatically as soon as it happened he's like my first thought was like i can't believe this happened and he was my second thought was i have to show this to megan this is so funny wow sends me the picture and then he's like it took

30 seconds after i said to go what what should i have worn what should i not have sent this to her and it was the funniest funniest thing in the entire world that's good friend on his face i mean that is my best friend yeah no but still that instinct to like i must take a photograph well it's like when something terribly embarrassing happens to you and you're like but i have to show somebody otherwise it was for nothing and i'm just sitting in this embarrassing thing yeah i guess you just hope that that friend doesn't make it the save screen on their phone oh i told him i was doing he's like it's okay but i would also say in uh relation to that maybe hopefully um you being able to tell this hilarious story on a podcast will get it out of your system so good

it's so good aren't we humans are the weirdest like we are the stupidest creatures like the i think about this all the time that like it's so funny that like we walk around and wear clothes and like say hello to each other and on pay fake idea coins for coffee and uh and then we go home and like slop any of each other and we're just these tubes of like stuff and like and like how insane is it to get a feeling in your brain that is warm and good and like oh that's so good you have to like smatter goosh smatter goosh like around or in your own mouth wild so funny wild so funny um yeah i don't know i mean i think if you're a guy it's important to try it just i think i was gonna say i think i kind of love the idea the fact that um he definitely has now

tasted got a taste of his own medicine his own medicine um i would also say yeah no um to your to the part where we're going to stop talking about how funny this is. I mean, probably never, but at least for now. I think she knows. She knows how funny it is. It's funny. It's great. It's juicy. But it boils down to the advice portion. I would say, yeah, you're

kind, I think you're on the right field. I mean, I'm going to say point blank. Don't tell this girl. You think don't tell? I mean, I think don't tell because I think girl, I love you. You're great. You're wonderful. But purely based on how you've phrased this,

um i would love if you could listen to the episode we have with mitchell um that's coming out after this uh we talk about um the female on female kind of competition when it relates to men in that situation and a lot of times us as women if we're fighting over a guy 99 of the time it's much more about our hatred of the girl in the situation and the guy's just a pawn so i don't necessarily think again i love you you're great i don't necessarily know based on how you phrase this if the reason why you want to tell this girl is to do her a solid or to get her back for having done this i mean i am dubious that she didn't know that they're dating before doing this um i wouldn't i mean yeah well i guess young enough to have been to

school yeah i mean i will say i also definitely i've definitely like hooked up with people who i didn't know were in relationships and i should have known so i think if you went into this with was there an inclining was this kind of a revenge with this girl if it wasn't a revenge thing if you truly didn't know i actually think maybe there's an opportunity to like mend these fences and be i mean you like the same people you know you just i don't know i don't know when that happens you got more in common than you don't yeah and there's like do you think she should tell this girl that like tell her by the way i just think she should reflect like you said about what her actual true motives are if you're just doing because you know you want to like mess something up you know then

don't that is because she said i want to tell her that i made her boyfriend small swallow his own cum which is pretty funny yeah it is but she's doing it for revenge yeah yeah that's vindictive i don't think that's nice yeah and i also don't blame you though like don't blame me i don't blame you but i mean i'm i'm i'm 100 have definitely been guilty of being a kind of person where it's a uh honesty without compassion is aggression and i love that that's very i think of that a lot like wow that's some time sometimes it's not honesty there's no reason you need to go out your way yeah say something to somebody and you know it's just gonna hurt them exactly if it doesn't serve necessarily a purpose i think if you girl if you guys were friends and this was

something i don't think you would have gotten yourself into the situation um but i also think when it comes to other people's relationships we've said this before in like cheating aspects you i mean you are young enough that i chances are that you they're in an open relationship is probably unlikely but you don't always necessarily know the inner workings of everybody else's relationship and then trying to meddle by doing like the good thing i think hopefully you got the laughs out and you got the fun reaction on the podcast now everyone can listen and hear how hilarious this was and um i think eventually she'll be able to figure it out on her own time and it's also i mean as a girl if i was if i was his girlfriend that'd be the most fucking

mortifying thing ever on to the next one i'm a 24 year old um great news the federal ev rebate is back eligible customers get up to five thousand dollars with the federal evap rebate on select 2027 volt and 2026 equinox ev models visit your local chevrolet dealer today for more details recent college grad and i just would like some advice on my relationship um i've been with my boyfriend for almost two years now in a couple months we've been together for two years and basically my problem is throughout the entire time that we've been dating um he's never told me that he's loved me um when we were together for almost a year um it was his birthday and I took a gamble and I wrote him a card and the card I told him that I loved him and he read the

card and just didn't really say anything he said thank you gave me a hug and kiss and that was about it I didn't say anything so I didn't feel like that was the time to bring it up but a couple of months later the subject kind of came up and I told them that I found the situation a little bit hurtful um and I was kind of upset about it and basically what he told me was that he really cares about me and he's just not there yet and he eventually will get there but it's just not at this moment so I let it go and I thought that was fine um but I mean it's been almost a year since that's happened and I've still gotten nothing from him and I just don't really know what to think about the situation because on one hand I don't want somebody to say that to me if

they don't mean it and I don't want uh I can't really argue somebody's feelings if he doesn't feel like he doesn't I can't fight him on that but in that same breath if you've been with somebody for almost two years and you still don't love them why are you still with them so it's just a really i don't know hard situation i just don't really know how to handle it or what to do about it because as more time goes on the more upsetting this gets that's basically it so if you could give me any kind of advice on this i would really appreciate this is funny because i'm 24 she's 24 she's 24 she's 24 and she's been with her boyfriend with for two years and i'm 24 and i've been with my boyfriend for two years oh yeah i think about this a lot i think about love a lot

the word i love i i um i write poems sometimes i wrote a poem called 30 words for love which is like an 11 minute long poem which like nobody ever asked for but um it's in it was in a book of you know love poems that that was somebody published and asked to be part of it and i made a video of it and i it's always moved me that people respond to it because 11 minute poem but the whole premise is that this phrase this word i love you is the only one that we've got yeah and it's supposed to mean so many different things how much more useful be if we had at least 30 i mean the idea started at 17 and then I just got to 30 I decided to stop at 30 but that you know this is a tough this thing means so much like we said earlier love isn't something that can be given or taken

it's there or it's not and it tends to be there and once it's there I think it doesn't really go away which leads back to that one of our first calls about um this difficulty with the two-year relationship and the intimacy thing like once love is there it doesn't really go in my experience you love somebody it's there forever and that can create a lot of difficulties later when you're trying to figure out what do we do with this thing uh this gets into me uh into like the ideas of love languages yeah which are very important so so my my blunt answer of probably this isn't the thing move on be okay with it she sounds like she's got a great like emotional place she's coming from she doesn't impose on him she goes like if somebody won't say it or doesn't feel it

you can't make him feel that way that shows a lot of maturity to me um but uh there is the possibility like i don't know anything about this guy or where he's from or what he's like what his family was like um i have uh loved ones in my family um who never say i love you they have i've maybe heard them say it once ever my whole life to their significant other well well to i'm just gonna apply it to me it's like in that relationship um and i think to a significant other too it's my grandfather's i'm thinking of um but he shows up every goddamn day he worked until they made him stop working and he would provide for everybody and and i know because of his childhood where he was like basically an orphan and he had he was in in and out of orphanages

with his own mother taking him in and out because she couldn't afford the kids until she could and she'd get them out again that he didn't put a lot of stock in the words i love you or maybe that didn't feel safe for him but he showed up in other ways and showed his love through his actions and his presence. But that was a hard thing for me to learn that I love you wasn't just words that like people can say, I love you all goddamn day till they're blue in the face and they don't behave that way. So I think this magical phrase, it is poetry. Poetry is my favorite thing because I think it's truly magical. You can look at a piece of paper and see some etchings and it makes you feel these things. That phrase is obviously important to you and figuring out what that

means maybe talking to him about that would be useful after two years if i don't know what like what did he look like what it is what did his touch feel like in his tone after he read the card where you said i love you yeah and he said thank you i'm just not there yet that might be real for him that might be a real thing that person comes from their family people go through tough stuff that like saying something like i love you can be a very frightening it can almost make you mad to hear it you know because you've been betrayed by people who've said that to you or or not said it to you well because that's i i think exactly what you're saying with the the difference of saying it and then acting it out i do wonder because i mean i know if

again i'm a totally different person than either of you but if i was in a relationship with somebody and like you said you said in the call i don't know why you'd be with somebody if you didn't like with for two years if you didn't love them i i guess that's what i'm saying is i i think there a million reasons you would be with somebody and i think that there can be all of these other things but i think when you said which when you said uh oh you can't argue with someone's feelings in regards to him i also think you need to apply that to you you love him and if he can't love you in the way that you need to be loved then you can't argue with your feelings and this needs to be it it's not so much about him not loving you back it's about him not being able to love

you in the way that you need to be loved and the love language thing i think fully applies to it do you have you talked about that yeah yeah well actually we talked about we haven't talked about oh my god just as a brief primer and google this will set you free it'll make every relationship better you'll understand so much more we tend to love people the way we want to be loved and the key to making somebody feel loved both for yourself and other people is understanding how they understand love so the five are like there's verbal there's acts of service there's gifts there's touch um i'm forgetting one i'll look it up yeah but you but um basically you can kind of figure out how do you feel loved i know for me touch is a big one like just somebody putting

their hand on my back or or something like that or hugging and kissing and physical touch is a big one and words mean a lot to me too um and i barely even feel a gift or uh an act somebody cleaning up for me or something like that here's the love languages um words of affirmation acts of service receiving gifts quality time and physical touch okay the four five five five we forgot quality time quality time i think that's it i would say what's what is your attachments to the words i love you and is his lack of saying it does that then mean in your head that he's not serious about you um and that because those words haven't been said from him does that then mean that he doesn't want a family with you he doesn't want to settle down with you and all that stuff i would open that

convert i mean i don't know i think if he's saying i don't feel that way and i'll get there if he means that way if he means the phrase saying i love you and that's all he means i can see a version of that if he means i don't know if i love you and i'll get there yeah that's what i'm wondering yeah then then sorry and i would have you said it to someone else before yeah and i think you gotta be selfish at a certain point it's been it's been i mean you told him you loved him a year ago and um i think you you've given him a year to feel it or not feel it but at a certain point a year yeah she said it a year ago sense of the timeline she said it a year ago they've been together two years she said it a year a year ago and he hasn't gotten there

yet you waited long enough that i think if it's still if it's weighing on you this much and you called into a podcast you're still feeling pretty affected by it which i think is totally normal i think that you got to give yourself a time you don't need he doesn't need a timeline to say i love you you need to give yourself a timeline in which you're going to be okay with him not saying it and then if when he doesn't say it does not make you a bad person for walking away from a relationship if that's what you need okay guys we're going on to producer's corner and um for anyone who might not know producer's corner is where producer director jack ferry picks his favorite call or sometimes we have a caller who calls back in who can give an update on their life

or anybody who might have some words of wisdom regarding a different call. So this isn't a callback. This is a picked call. This is a picked call. Yeah. A personally picked call. Hi, Megan. I am super stressed out about the holidays, buying presents, traveling,

going to holiday parties, seeing an extended family that I don't give a fuck about. How do I keep my sanity during this time? Thank you. Do you keep your sanity? No, I go mental. but um in a different way like i just love the holidays i mean if you could look around guys i fucking love the holidays as well but i also i i honestly this is actually a fun question um well this is of course a fun i mean man i was gonna i was gonna say though the thing about

the holidays i find is now that i've i've gotten older and i've become an adult i now understand um how different holidays are for not only every family but every person and what things people love about the holidays and you, you watch Christmas movies and you watch anything like that, whether any sort of thing you're celebrating. Um, I think when you grow up with something so young as a kid, it's just this excitement that you have that doesn't really like format into one specific thing. I mean, I personally am not a Christmas day presents kind of person. I feel very uncomfortable with gifts. I love giving up. Oh my God. I love giving, of course, giving other people on the day too, though, you know, I like giving, but I also feel very uncomfortable

watching people open the gifts that I give them weird. I feel super uncomfortable, but I love buying things for people and I love thinking about what I'm going to get people but I feel really really really uncomfortable watching people because I'm also afraid if they don't like what I got them because I know that I put a lot of like time energy and thought into things um and then I also get terribly uncomfortable opening presents in front of other people oh because you they do you feel like that they expect some performance from you and then I and then I'm I'm I'm now not in the moment or even appreciating the gift I'm focusing on how my reaction can convey how i actually feel and how i translate that real feeling to a false reaction

to make it match so then everybody else can see how i'm feeling right so i go i spiral into like a fucking terrible yes hating that so i and i also um i i spend christmas with my boyfriend's family and all of them and so for me that is like it's meeting all these people and being on all the time so i would say yeah there is no shame in um feeling insane and what i have done in the this year which i'm very proud of myself is i'm essentially giving myself which maybe this calls a little late for that but i'm giving myself an extended holiday season i'm giving myself the carefree fucking fantastically festive fun los angeles my friends and i are here we're watching christmas movies it's amazing and then i'm going to go and experience any and it's not knocking any

any person or people like i like i love my boyfriend's family i think they're amazing i just i'm terribly anxious around just humans in general um and then we got to feel on is like yeah and i think that that's no matter what i i think everyone feels that so then i'm letting that feeling and those that holiday also be another holiday that happens and it doesn't ruin the feeling of christmas so i extend the feeling so it's not just there's not so much writing on the week of christmas and i'm saying christmas but it's any any holiday like that in general that has massive like multiple day festivities well there's a reason that it happens all of those same holidays happen at the same time yeah it's the what is it the oh my god not the solstice the

equinox i don't know you know what i mean the darkest day of the year yeah winter solstice it's harvest it's winter so we're all celebrating the same time it's the darkest time of the year and we're all just trying to make yeah yeah which is why i think we try to fill it with warmth and light and something and start something new um self-care self-care what a radical concept self-care is self-care has become funny phrase that like is thrown around i think by millennials and stuff like that but truly truly if i mean i feel very blessed that i get very excited to see my family, hang out with them and stuff like that. And I figured out a long time ago that certain family members are going to be certain family members and that's just how it is. And

again, back to this idea of attachment, letting go of the things that I can't control. And also recognizing when people try to control me that like, oh, they can't because that's not, you know, I'm not theirs to, if they feel a certain way because of how I am, oh, sorry, because they've got to figure that out. Sometimes parents got to figure that out. But, um, I love the holidays so much so i feel a little sad about like all family don't give a fuck about and i don't i don't want to stress anybody out in that time though right self-care just keep like take time to yourself go away from your family go for a walk go see friends like if you're going back home like find friends that you actually like sometimes that's like stressful too i think the opposite

is also true if you do travel back home from somewhere else i used to pack my schedule to see every fucking person what an idiot i was and the first year i'm like the first year my sister lives in brooklyn and uh i have some friends in new york um but not a ton but i remember going home for the holidays one time and i was like we're gonna go out to brooklyn to visit her my nephew she had a baby a couple years ago four or five years ago and um it was the first time that i was like i'm not seeing anybody i'm sitting on this couch with my nephew and uh some pizza every day. And it was like the greatest, just kind of let that go. I think, I think exactly what you're saying is the, I think weaving in, uh, forced self-care time and not just when you

need it. I think, uh, being proactive about it and then being like, well, cause I I'm someone who suffers from terrible anxiety and there can be the biggest thing that I've learned is I I'm very much on the whole, like, Oh, if I'm feeling great, I'm going to coast on feeling great. And i'm not gonna worry that i'm not gonna feel great but i'm also not going to be like oh it's like okay it's like a kid with a nap time if a kid doesn't seem like they need a nap because they don't seem tired you don't fucking know until that kid's throwing a temper tantrum it's the same thing if you're hungry it's like oh i'm not hungry i haven't or i'm not thirsty i'm just gonna wait until i'm fucking parched and i feel like i'm dying so i think if you can schedule into your day

a walk or anything like you're saying like some some sort of thing that you know that you can take some time away that's gonna you're gonna feel great with and also if you can schedule it in because again it's this this sense of obligation that we feel to people when we're like oh we're only here for a set period of time and there's all these things that have to get done if you have this time that you've set aside that you're gonna do this you can fucking let the people in your life know like hey yeah from four to five i'm busy i'm doing this thing so it's not like you're suddenly walking out and disappointing and surprising everybody if you can work it into your schedule and everybody else knows like you don't have to be like hi um i'm scheduled from

three to four there's some self-care time for me and i'm gonna go take a long shower and uh cry about everyone's being mean to me or whatever and i acknowledge too that might not be enough some families some people will still guilt you and still fuck with you but like sorry family do it i would say like it's far you're you think you're gonna disappoint somebody and you might disappoint them when someone might get mad but you know it's fucking far worse than you having a full-blown breakdown i mean i i will fully admit that last year last christmas i was trying it was the first year i was with my boyfriend's family and just like with him for christmas in general and it was i was trying so fucking hard to be cool girl and to just be chill with everything

and fine with everything and i don't drink and i like there's only so much you can handle with god like high school boys getting together and getting drunk or meeting all these people who you don't know who have all these connections and i'm the only outsider and everyone's so fucking fantastic and sweet and nice and friendly and it made me feel like this raging bitch of the fact of being like i need to go back to our airbnb and just like decompress and i felt like this asshole because no one had done anything wrong everyone had been beyond pleasant and beyond amazing it was just my own sense of that and i didn't do that and i remember being in the car in the i don't even know where we were going we were in a parking lot we were about to go

meet or see somebody else and i started having a full-blown hysterical panic attack and i finally was like oh this this megan this is what you were trying to prevent and you kept thinking that you were being a bitch but you know it's far worse than him thinking that you're being a little difficult for two minutes this thing right here which has now turned into this massive ordeal yeah and i i don't think you can put it off and i think if you can plan it as much as possible i think it'll also make you go into every day knowing that you have this little like spot to breathe or a couple of little places to breathe and you have something to look forward to if you're slicing vegetables with some like racist aunt being like 15 more minutes 15 more minutes until

i'm gonna go do that thing that's just for me and then you can count down the time and you have something to look forward to so it feels a little less smothering i agree yeah and don't be afraid to say no i think the holiday season everyone thinks it becomes the power of no yeah i mean oh god no is my favorite word um but i make it nah you know sometimes the power of no sounds too big it sounds too mean someone goes like hey oh you're gonna come with us to go uh hiking or whatever because we're gonna take pictures of the family and you got to wear this sweater uh nah nah it's a little less harsh and i will say on the counter side for the moms out there come on sometimes you can just do it for your mom it's not a big deal you know you don't make

such a big deal about it sometimes give your mom the goddamn photo i say pick your battles and then also uh also know that as an adult especially that uh you you know your limits and kind of abide by them and just because it's the month of december it doesn't mean that your uh stress or sanity is going to has a larger threshold oh we crushed it this might be our longest episode yet depending on when it gets edited i was like it's gonna be long it's gonna be a long one i'm sorry not sorry no i can listen to you talk me all the time we were talking about this when before i mean the last time we were recording we were just scrolling through instagram and talking about how you're so nice to listen to as a human i enjoy listening to you i feel like i'm smarter when i

talk to you like i feel like i learn things i feel like you described you feel opening gifts i feel like i don't know how to process that right now i'll move on very fast once you know that it makes me feel very good okay i'm very honored thank you we just started talking like caveman i am uncomfortable and that is what happens i do not know how to demonstrate for you that this is meaningful compute the emotion word feeling thanks discomfort uh-huh a reptile brain feels like maybe i'm going to die but i thank you thank you okay guys i hope you enjoyed this episode um where can they check you out on the on the internet definitely instagrammy a jared sleeper jared underscore sleeper is like probably my most active thing um i would check out please check out uh d20 d20

strength.com my brothers and I started this it's my brother's passion project really and I'm really happy to be like doing it with him it's a supplement company for gamers and nerds we've been like dorks and playing video games our whole lives and our relationship between our physical bodies and and really for everybody like our first product that has right now I really love it's called reboot it's uh helped specifically with blue light insomnia like staring at screens all day and then like not being able to go to sleep at night so it's uh it's to help you go to sleep uh it's got some great like you know valerian and magnesium and uh hemp extract and and then beta carotene different carotenoids for your eyes whatever i'm not gonna go into

the whole thing i just it's just stuff that we made because it helped us out uh so check that out d20 strength and if you play league of legends which somebody out there has to play league of legends me and my brothers are obsessed with this game we started this stupid project for ourselves uh with d20 called lol wads where we do workouts based on each of the legal Legends champions and there's like 140 of them. So it's going to take us a long time. We're doing them twice a week, but it's kind of fun and silly. So check that out. I guess

that's it. D20 strength and Jared Sleeper. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Awesome. Love you guys. Thank you. Amazing. And if you guys enjoyed listening to this episode, we would love if you gave us some nice reviews on the Apple podcast app. And if you listen to this and you're like, hey, I want to get a part of this fun

action, then you guys should definitely call and leave voicemails for upcoming episodes. again that phone number is 310-694-0976 yeah and again international callers you can email voice memos to meganpodcast at gmail.com we would also love to get caller updates if you guys have called in before and we've discussed your predicaments i would have i would love to know where things go i want to know how the thing goes with the guy who swallowed his own jizz fuck yes let us know so so bad i want to know that there's a lot of things there's a lot of things i want to know about um and yeah we would love to hear from you guys and um i hope you guys

have happy holidays and we'll see you in two weeks happy holidays don't blame me is a production by me produced and directed by jack ferry associate producer melissa de monts edited by melissa de monts post-production sound by chris henry and music by Giacomo Picasso and Ryan Hunter. I will see you guys in two weeks. And don't blame me if your life bursts into flames before then.