Don't Blame Me! - S2E11: Guest: Bree Essrig - Dating a Married Man?!?

Episode Date: July 20, 2018

Actor, writer, and foot model Bree Essrig is here this week to help with your problems! We shared advice on what to do about annoying friends, how to be in a relationship with an extrovert when you’re an introvert, and what you should do if you’re dating a married man. We also had a call back from the caller who found out her boyfriend cheated a couple years ago.-Follow Us:@meghanrienks@BreeEssrig@sheisnotmelissaNeed Advice?www.dontblameme.showDomestic Listeners Call: [phone]International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]… with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING.- Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:http://youtube.com/meghanrienksSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In Toronto, every arrival is a statement, and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility, and Optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at cadillaccanada.ca. Luxury sales claim based on S&P Global Mobility Canadian New Vehicle Total Registrations for calendar year 2025 for the Cadillac definition of luxury. Hello, everybody. On today's episode of Don't Blame Me, we have the fantastic guest, Brie Essrig, and we talk about a girl who's

sleeping with a married man and also a girl who found out her boyfriend has a child that he didn't know about. This one's really fucking juicy. Hello, everybody, and welcome back to Don't Blame Me. This is my podcast. I'm Megan Rinks and our fantastic guest today is Briess Rigg. Hello. Hi. Thank you so much for calling me fantastic. You are fantastic. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for having me. I'm excited to have you here. I've only known you for about like 35 seconds and I'm already wildly fascinated by your life. Thank you. I won't rat you out on here, but like. You can. It's okay. I mean, I feel like you have to rat yourself. Tell them what we were just talking about. We were just talking about

how I'm slowly dabbling in like the fetish world and I'm trying to be a foot model. Guys, it's going to be a good bucket episode. I'm so excited already. Oh, I'm a little freak. Just you wait. I love it. That's what we need. We need more like, not even closeted, like not obvious freaks who are like, oh, look at me.

You would never suspect it. That's what I like. Well, I'm slowly learning that everyone's kind of got their fetish. Everyone's got their fantasy, their thing that they're so ashamed to talk about. But it's like if we all just talked about it, then we could all just be having so much fun together. So much more fun. yeah so so so so much more fun yeah well i'm so excited for you to be here if you guys are listening to this podcast we also uh have a video on youtube if you guys want to watch and if you're

watching and you want to know where to listen to it you can go to the podcast app and then also don't blame me dot show and after all of your requests guys guess what is back back again it's mel mel mel cam hi guys yay so good i was personally enjoying all the comments okay so last it's the last time i recorded melissa got a camera for the first time okay and i went to go read the comments on youtube because i like to read the comments after the podcast see what people thought if they thought i was being an asshole a lot of the time they do 99.9 of the comments are just melissa's so pretty it's just that's true and you are it was very uh thanks guys very thanks guys yeah very thanks guys so if you're uh if you've always been curious

to what most looks like you guys can go watch on youtube that was a lot of people were surprised i don't know i feel like your voice fits your face though i don't know they thought i was white one person thought i was a mexican one person was like i thought you were a middle-aged white woman i saw that one with a 19 year old kid that was on drugs and i was so specific i know i was like i think they were i'm sure they were joking how would i have like gotten like in in in in like career works with that person that's what i wonder i'm like so how do you think i'm just like okay this is this is someone's gonna be great yeah in the podcast world i'm sure she was joking but it was just funny i love it okay well um so this podcast is an advice podcast where

people call in they leave voicemails and um we do our very best to sometimes give them good advice sometimes it's bad sometimes i get yelled at but a lot of the times i get yelled at um but if you guys are us listeners and yeah us not canada just the us you can call us at 310-694-0976 and for our international listeners you can email an audio message to meganpodcast at gmail.com and i've been getting a lot of people asking if we can do emails and tweets and stuff we got to do phone calls it's so much easier for me to understand the story behind it and everyone who says that they can't get it down to what do we say a minute three minutes to three yeah three minutes just condense your story yeah write it out and then read it and and you'll realize we

don't need as much comment like i don't know we need details but we don't need we don't need too much of the fluff if you like a boy we get how much you like him yeah like tell us the shit yes give us the dirt okay well i'm excited shall we get started oh yes so i am 23 and i graduated college about a year ago and i moved a few hours away from my hometown for work and in my hometown i've had like five best friends growing up in college we like all went to different schools and did our thing but we lost state friends so anyway two of them have moved in together close to our hometown and one of them was like my all-time best friend he's been best friends for like ever basically and now the two of them live together I find them both like unbearable people

like they've just moved out to like a bigger city so they're going out and they're being like social and whatever but they're just like next level annoying in like texts and like their like social media posts are very annoying and when I went to visit them I felt like a third wheel which was like very weird for me because we've all been friends for so long that's never been the case and especially one of them is like my all-time best friend so I basically just don't really answer the group chatter anymore or like talk to anyone because I'm just so over it and like I'm not jealous of their friendship I'm just annoyed by the fact that we've all been friends for so long and now I'm being like not left out but like kind of feeling this way and I just don't

know like I don't want to end these friendships particularly but at the same time I just feel like I'm not being valued as a friend anymore in the way they're acting I feel like I'm not explaining this right but I hope that makes sense but if you just have any advice like how to deal with this and like I don't know maybe if it just needs some time for them to adjust to living together and then they'll go back to being sane normal people or like what it is but if you have any advice that'd be great I think she's jealous I was gonna say she says she's not but I think it's I mean she's feeling left out obviously that sucks but just feel blessed because you do not want to live with your best friend no ever that will destroy a friendship yeah and no if it not

I'm not going to say like their friendship is going to be destroyed. But when she said like, maybe I should just wait it out. I'm like, oh, they're going to get in a terrible fight. And honestly, they're going to go to you. It might be worse because then they're going to go to you. And then you're kind of going to be in like the middle of that. But I think it's a good thing that she doesn't live with them. I also think that I don't know how long they've been living together,

but I do think your excitement with like being out like from the for the first time you're done with college, like you're like living on your own. It can be kind of just a very extra annoying life. Like I think when I first moved out to LA, I'm like, God, I was, this is like, I was so annoying. And then once you kind of settle into your routine, also, once you're not, I don't know, like when you're not in like a new city and you have your friends, you have everything established, you don't really have to try as hard to like go out and meet people and do all of this stuff that might like be coming across as extra. um but i don't know i mean i think also there's there's like a a struggle of because like i i have like my childhood best friend her and i like that is who like is my best friend to this day but there were so many people i had who are friends growing up that now as adults we just kind of have a different friendship because you just grow up and become different people and if you

don't necessarily like who they're becoming I don't think I don't know I think you can you can hope that maybe that's like not what they're going to be like forever but also if it is be okay and be happy with the fact you don't live with them and that you can still maintain more of a long distance friendship with them also I just think group chats need to die I agree with that oh I hate that there's nothing gives me more anxiety than a group chat and suddenly you go from I already have like 27 unread text messages at all times and then it goes to like 245 it's insane I don't want to know especially when people like live close together and you don't live there and you're like like hey are we gonna be grabbing like lunch here today I'm like just all my friends do

bits so it's the work it's literally 200 unread messages and I'm like no this is the same joke over and over but back to yeah back to that sorry back to that yeah I don't I you have to communicate You have to tell them that you're feeling left out. Otherwise, they're not going to realize because they're so wrapped up in their own shit, which that's where we all are. But they're having fun. Like if it annoys you, think about why it annoys you so much. Is it because you're left out or is it because you just don't like them as people? yeah if you don't like them as people don't talk to them anymore but if you feel left out you have to tell them some people just need to know that you know i i moved in with somebody that i wasn't best friends with but i knew and my best friend got really jealous oh i'm oh i'm i'm your best friend in the situation okay anytime my best friend meets new people i'm like who are they i hate them okay well i was like i can't live with you because we would kill each other so i need to

live with somebody that I'm not super close with and it's just worked out for the best yeah I think also figuring out when you go into that conversation figuring out also on your own what would make you feel better because for me a group chat would make me feel more left out like there are sometimes I don't want to know you you might think including me in all these conversations makes me feel like I'm there but all it does is make me have FOMO so I think if you can figure out or maybe you do want to be included in more things so you know like so you just feel like you know what's happening constantly I would say just try and figure out those offer up some suggestions because I think it'd be hard for your friends too because I don't think they're doing this on purpose at all so if

you just come to them and you're like I am I'm feeling shitty about this that's it try and come with some things that you feel like might make you feel a little bit better about it and then um i would say also i think when you visit friends or you visit really anybody when you when there's a really long period when you don't do it often there's a really long period of time there can be so much pressure on like oh we have one weekend we haven't seen each other in like seven months or like almost a year and we have this like one weekend to have so much fun you it just puts a lot of pressure on it so maybe if you guys can have like a a weekly like FaceTime or Skype dates you just you can kind of feel like you're you're still in

communication with them as opposed to putting all this pressure on like one weekend and then not having good time and then also I would say building and fostering and keeping the friendships you guys can all be friends but also focusing on like your separate friendships with each of them and so you can be I don't know it's I would find it really annoying if I was asking my friend like oh like how's your date like have you been dating anyone and then the other friend chimes in it's like oh my god did you tell her about this this and this and you're like oh i'm like behind on this so maybe even if you are technically behind because you're not there to get the information day to day it might be nice to kind of keep them separate so and they also probably would like that too

because who doesn't love like retelling a funny story to someone who hasn't heard it before that's true and without someone interjecting being like i've heard this one yeah so i feel like that's what i would say but i think you're right that she has to just to say something Otherwise, it's just going to be resentment building up and building up. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. Good one.

Okay. Next one. Hi. I am 20 years old and I have a boyfriend. We've been dating for about seven months now and I love him so much. We are so great together. That for one, one thing is that he is an extrovert and I'm an introvert. He is someone that needs to be social and go to group parties and talk with a big group of people.

And I'm the complete opposite. I don't need to do that, nor do I really want to do that. And it's causing a problem in our relationship because, like, when we go to parties, he, when I go with him, I don't have much to talk with. Mostly because his friends are much older than me. He's only 23, but some of his friends are in their 30s, and I have nothing to relate to with them. And I feel very awkward. I don't really feel like talking with them, and I feel uncomfortable. And the other day I read some of his messages on his phone.

I know I shouldn't have done that, but we talked about it. He's not mad. um and him and his friend were talking about how i was really weird and quiet and how she can't understand why he would be with me i'm and i'm young and i'm clinging because i lost my virginity to him and i was like a sad puppy following him around and it was incredibly hurtful you know and i just i'm not sure what to do we talk about it a lot we do have good communication i just I don't know where the compromise can be and I would really like your advice this is really one of the main things in a relationship that makes it more difficult so I just need help oh my god

yeah fuck that friend yeah I wonder what her boyfriend said about that because I mean obviously my initial reactions you read his text messages because also I mean I've definitely read my boyfriend's text messages and I like found what I was looking for which like you know what I mean like when you're like pissed about something you're like well i'm doing this no like if i'm if i'm wanting to read this is because i know something's up um but like i just i'm curious what he said about that because that's just that's just such a a it's a shitty friend to him like that's not yeah i mean i don't love all of my friends significant others and like i'll talk shit about with other people but like i would never be like move you're so i fucking hate your

girlfriend or i hate your boyfriend yeah i would never say that kind of stuff so i'm curious what he said to that um because I don't know I I think it's like an unpopular I don't know I'm I'm kind of torn between a couple things if his friend said that if him and his friend didn't I don't know like I don't know where his friend got all of that information to like oh she lost your virginity to you like that's why she's kind of like this to me that gives me a red flag that like your boyfriend saying things which and I hate saying that but you're seven months into it and that's I don't know that's not that would freak me out about like him and I also think that I'm like an introverted extrovert so like I like attention when I know it's coming and like when

I've planned it but I don't like if I don't want if I'm not in the mood for that or I don't know it's coming I hate it yeah then I feel very uncomfortable so I'm like I don't drink I don't party so I'm I'm not I don't love going out and I'm so the opposite of spontaneous like if someone's like you want to go do something right now I'm like no I needed at least 45 minutes like mentally prepare and like lay on the floor I'm like you're gonna talk to people Megan it's gonna be fine yeah so I I am kind of you in that situation where like my boyfriend's much more of a oh he's also like a guy so he can like I'm at home in a sheet mask and sweatpants he's like hey you want to like rode over to a bar with a couple of my friends in five minutes i'm like clearly no i'm done

i have like a panda sheet mask on i'm like yeah no no no i'm not about that only if i can go in the sheet mask so um i understand that kind of like tension there and so my advice to that would automatically be you guys both just need to meet each other halfway and find find a way that you can feel a little more comfortable like whether that's like smaller settings and isn't like bars or parties and things like that or if you can yeah just like meet people in smaller settings and talk to them there or find a couple of his friends that you do like and then he also just needs to not be as hard as you on you about that and can kind of like cut you some slack where both of you just make the effort because I think yeah I mean I'm it's it's I don't know like being

more introverted is, is not something that it's something that you can fight. You can, you can just like make steps towards being a more social introvert, but it doesn't, you're not going to turn into an extrovert. So like you both just need to manage each other's expectations. And he's also just not going to, he's going to always want you to like probably hang out with his friends and do stuff like that. But like the understanding of like what your limitations are and you need to figure out what you feel comfortable with. But also at the same time I'm like this I'm a little wary of the relationship just in general if his friend said something like that and I don't know and if this has also been an issue for a while I don't

know I don't know how much either of you are willing to compromise and if neither of you are willing to compromise then it's just not it's just not gonna work yeah he needs to respect your boundaries first of all because I know exactly what it's like to be in a situation where you're just like I need to get out of here because I'm not I'm feeling so uncomfortable right now and the person I was with was just like I want to stay like why are you bringing me down and it's like it's not about you like do you stay I'm gonna go like you just need to find a compromise like you said but what I actually like to do this little life hack I like to bring a friend with me to something that I know I might be uncomfortable not know anyone that way I have somebody to go to and

talk to if things get awkward or weird and I always bring my extroverted friend so they can do all the talking smart and they make you look good yeah always oh that's a good idea I keep bringing my other introverted friend but we also have a good time I mean that's good too I mean either way just have somebody that you can talk to and relate to throughout the night so you don't feel like shit about yourself because it's so unfair that your boyfriend puts you in situations with people you're not comfortable around yeah and expects you to be there another thing and I I know you're probably not going to want to hear this, but don't go through the phone messages because here's the thing.

Think about how much shit you talk with your friends about your boyfriend. And if you'd heard those things that you say, I mean, at least me, I know totally when I get together with my girls, we talk shit about the dudes we're seeing straight up. Everybody talks shit about each other. And that is our right as human beings. So sometimes you're going to see or hear things you're not going to want to, you're not going to like very much. so yes it absolutely sucks to hear and maybe maybe you needed to know that his best friend

is not fond of you and that's a good thing now you know like oh these are the people I'm I was uncomfortable around this person for a good reason yeah so you're not you didn't feel like you were crazy of being like and your boyfriend's telling you like no no no no they like you don't worry about it at least now you know being like okay cool fuck you you're a douche let me go talk to these other people yeah I also think focusing on I don't know like when you have a conversation with him and you figure out what are the situations that are going to make you the least uncomfortable and if he's still pressuring you the thing that I because I have so many friends in this situation because I'm also just attracted to like friends who are also introverts where I'm like oh you

like to stay at home same and we all end up dating guys who are like way bigger extroverts explaining it to him in the sense of it's not I know it's fun for you it's fun for me to be there but if I'm not having fun you shouldn't be having fun dragging me to something that I'm miserable at like he shouldn't be it shouldn't be at the expense of your yeah it's like the idea that someone wants you there because it really means a lot to them if it really makes you super uncomfortable that should not feel good to them they should feel super guilty and also uncomfortable for putting you in a situation like that so i think in those like extreme cases which i brought up to like my boyfriend i'm like if it's like a raging party i'm there's just no chance in hell

i'm gonna have fun if it's like a smaller group of people like yeah i can really work hard at it but like i'm really uncomfortable around like a lot of people who are crazy like wasted and drunk so no matter what this is going to be like my hot like this is like the the um thick black line whatever it's called what is it called deal breaker or not deal breaker i don't know thick black line they cross yeah so like that's something that like that's my threshold like i'm never going like that's something i can't ever get past so if you can kind of figure that out and help him out in that sense because it also might feel like to him that you just hate every social situation in general and it can feel a little yeah I don't know it can feel like a

little bit like there is no work to do and nowhere to go from that I think you can both be a little more sympathetic to the other um and then I'm with you on the reading of the messages I mean if you if you feel like something's really off and you feel like something probably is with you trust your gut you're probably right yeah and maybe ask confront and say can i see your messages yeah you know and if they have nothing to hide they'll show you exactly and also i think it's when it comes to like you know cheating and like those crazy things but also the shit talking that what we're saying that we do with like our friends so much of the time it's it's not actually either it's an actual issue i've already brought up with my significant other that i'm talking about with

my friends or it's something that's so minuscule that i would never bring up so it's not that important yeah so then putting too much stress on those things think about all like the random things you would complain about like there's one of my boyfriend's t-shirts i fucking hate and i was like talking to my friends i'm like i fucking hate this shirt so bad but if you saw this it's not like oh this isn't this isn't something that like plagues me on the day-to-day like i saw a guy on the bachelor wearing a similar shirt and i was like i fucking hate this shirt yeah so it's not putting too much um emphasis on that because it also as much as i said it could have been your like your boyfriend might have said something to his friend.

Yeah, everybody needs to vent. And I wouldn't really take it out on his friend. Take it out on your boyfriend because he's the one who's been telling your friend all the shit. Clearly. And I think what they know that you lost your virginity to him. He had to tell them. He had to tell them.

And they're just trying to be a good friend to your boyfriend. That's what they're trying to do. They're trying to say, hey, buddy, I relate to you. I feel you. Here's how I can, here's my solution to you, I guess. But, you know, we all do it. So, yeah. But you do need to confront.

And you said you have good communication with him. So then, yeah, you confront him about it and then you work past it. Yeah. That's good. I got faith in you. Yeah. On to the next call. Hey, Megan.

I won't bother saying my name because you'll just have to edit it out later. But I'm 24 and I'm calling because I want your input. So I met a guy at the gym. I've been going to the same bougie gym since I was like 13. And this is pretty much the only attractive guy I've ever seen there. I finally decided to woman up and chat with him. We hit it off, all the usual flirty texting stuff. Maybe day two, he slyly mentioned something into the conversation about his other half,

to which I asked him follow-up questions, and, well, he's married, technically. And then after that, he drew, and he also has a kid. I'm cool with the baby, but the wife was something I was not expecting. Our conversation shifted, new topic, but it always still had a flirty tone. We see each other regularly because we go to the gym at the same time. Long story short, without getting into all the details, one day we had a conversation in the parking lot, which turned into a makeout and has since turned into, well, more. I know it's messed up, but when you find someone you click with so well, you don't really think about all that.

aside from our well situation he is actually a really good person like he's kind of a goody two-shoes type of person his marriage itself sounds like a shit show they've split up before we're headed toward divorce they only got married because it seemed like the right thing to do and thought that they would be fine after a rocky relationship going into it he's openly said that it takes two people people to make it work and it's not there between them they don't have a connection that a young married couple should the only thing they're on the same page about and actively communicate about is what comes to be necessary he literally first saw her his household as feeling like roommates they don't hate each other but they don't act like a couple we can

pretty much discuss everything and i told him i'm not a fan of the wife thing and that he'll need to get his shit together and make a decision sooner rather rather than later he said he's unhappy but the only thing really holding him back is the baby because that's his world which i get where he's coming from but his logic behind it is driven by being comfortable instead of just biting the bullet he's going to be gone for work for the next few months and there'll be limited connection and communication between us by no means am i waiting for him i have my own life to live and i fully plan on embracing the goals that i've been working toward i've never really been in this situation before so i guess just tell me what you think from an outsider looking in am i blinded by

this connection or is it something maybe worth coming back to when he is home and i guess giving like an ultimatum thanks in advance love you megan did you see that movie last year that came out was called get out get the fuck out of there fuck out that is so horrible dude get out it's so rude he has a life get out of there yeah i think like i like it's just as he you're only here it's just it's so hard for me because i'm like you're hearing only one side of it like you are hearing a man saying our marriage is dead everything's all this all this stuff is over like we're just like roommates you're not hearing her side of this like you have no idea and her side of it is probably oh we're so happy together yeah honestly that's some serious

bullshit it's and he's feeding you bullshit there is I don't know a single like I don't know a single woman who would be like oh yes my my I am comfortable in my relationship as roommates with my husband and we have a baby and this is just fine like that's just such a male spun story of being like no yeah I mean like we're more like roommates it's fine everything everything he's saying to you as you can hear it nothing of this everything he's saying is to make you feel like there is a whole like this is what guys do they make they paint a picture of a nasty a nasty person a nasty wife and she's crazy that goes crazy don't trust her and then you break up with him and you find out she's the coolest yes have you ever seen the movie the other woman like they

all become friends and that could have been you could be friends with this woman like there's just he's he's creating this idea that there is this hole and this space and that it's okay and that everything's justified and he's saying that because he knows that that's going to make you feel like this is okay if he didn't say any of that if you just put it on paper which is the fact that this is a married man who is still with his wife not only is he still with his wife he's still living with his wife and they have a baby like those are the facts that matter it doesn't matter that he's a good guy it doesn't matter that him like his what his like relationship isn't good because you're not a part of their relationship like that's not you don't get to join in in him being

like oh i don't like this i'm unhappy you don't get to give him the satisfaction of being like oh i can be in a relationship and have a kid and all this stuff and he when he's saying it takes two people to work on it well he is 50 of that relationship and he's not working on it he's he's hooking up with somebody else and also even the fact that you found out that he was married because he referred to his wife as his other half exactly he was just testing the waters to see if you would be okay with it and you clearly are so stop he's just telling you what you want to hear also you're kind of being an asshole like i hate to be the one to tell you this like normally i would say it's the dudes like whoever is cheating it's their fault obviously but and

you're like i'm okay with the baby situation it's like you're literally breaking apart a family like that's how would you feel if somebody did that to you maybe think about that because it's it's not just one person you're hurting it's a unit yeah and there's also something that like the idea that you can't deny a connection like we have a heart but we also have a fucking brain like that's why you have to think through those decisions of being like i'm all for this is like a lot of tough love and you're probably gonna never listen to podcast again whatever i'm all for like living selfishly but there's a point where it's living recklessly and hurting other people. Like when you want to live selfishly and be like, you know what?

I'm going to like sleep with some people and I am going to like not listen to society telling me that I'm being a whore. Like I'm going to like pursue a career that I've always wanted, even though it's not safe. I'm going to do these things for me. I'm going to take a trip to like by myself, but I'm going to have sleep with a married man who has a baby that's not living selfishly and like living life for yourself. that is knowing some really terrible things

and still making a bad decision in spite of that. Like you can't plead that you didn't know. You can't plead ignorance with that. And like you're saying, it's tearing apart a family and you don't know, you can never know anybody else's situation. And if you had hooked up with him and found out later, I think you would have felt betrayed.

But because he let you in and made you feel like, here, I'm giving you this information. It's digestible. It makes sense. And now you can make the decision and you you did that you did you did the thing yeah you did the deed and now it's it's something that you you're sympathizing with him and his situation when reality if he had never told you you'd call this guy a fucking scumbag yeah because you wouldn't trust him but somehow

because he told you these things that feel personal and intimate you then feel like you can trust him yeah also i think you're being a little naive in that like if he's if he cheats on his wife while he has a baby he's probably gonna cheat again also he's technically cheating on you too with his wife like i just i don't know i think a cheating situation is always messy no matter how you feel about it it just like really fucks people up the people like the think about the baby that kid's gonna grow up saying like my father cheating on my depending on if they stay together or not like maybe you guys end up together who knows that kid is gonna be like oh yeah my dad cheated on my mom with this woman now i have this resentment for this woman my whole

life yeah which has happened to a friend of mine so it's like yeah she has some strong issues with that shit it's really messed up and also i think he's breadcrumbing you like i think he's saying i'm going away for three months no that's there's going on vacation their family it's like a family yeah it's something where it's like oh i need space from her but i don't want her to like to mess my shit up so i'm just gonna say hey i'm you know and he's gonna slowly inch away from you yeah so i might be on to it a little bit and she might be and so he's holding you all out there arms length into things quiet down and i also think like there i'm i'm not really a huge believer in soulmates or whatever but i do i i know what a couple of parents of like kids that i grew up with

um the man was married to a woman and then while he was dating her he fell in love with another man and they got divorced and those people ended up together both the men ended up together and i think there is something like yeah you can be with someone in a relationship and then meet somebody else and make wow i'm very much interested in them but if he was so fucking into you and so interested in you and his marriage was deteriorating he would have enough respect also for you to never bring you into that situation yeah and be like oh I'm a stand-up guy I'm a goody two-shoes I'm a great dude I'm going to end this relationship because not only is it terrible and great I see this potential in somebody else and even if it doesn't work out with this other person that's

how if he was if this relationship was really dead he would have ended it without the guarantee or a promise of another relationship on the other like on the other end of it like you need to end it on its own and then whatever happens from there like that will be great but right now it's just like he was just testing the water to see if you'd be okay with it he's never going i mean i doubt he would leave his wife and if he did he's comfortable enough to cheat on a wife and a baby and then and yeah yeah it's also just like you guys went to the gym together and you've always thought he was cute it's not like this is your best friend that you've realized you've had feelings for like this is he clearly this is clearly brought on by both of you being attracted to each other

And that's not a lasting connection for a guy who's willing to like fuck over his family to be with somebody who he only knew he's only gotten to know recently. Yeah. Can I be straight up? My ex cheated on me. He had an emotional affair for three months with this woman who lived in Vancouver. And the way I found out was so shitty. But I ended up getting the screenshots from some of their conversations. and he was just talking shit about me to her and it was so fucked up it's like how can you ever come back from that and here's the here's the kicker i thought everything was fine in our relationship and i was happier than ever so i like really had no idea so if he's saying like

it's like my wife's like a roommate yeah she might be like everything's great i have such a going home having sex with her every night like yeah you never know like he could just be feeding you some bullshit yeah and I also I don't know how much you also actually like him if he has like the wife thing it's like you're like should I give him an ultimatum you already seem like kind of just living in the moment with this but if you were like head over heels for a guy and he was married and going home to a wife and a life that they had built together every day that would eat me alive that would fucking kill me and I wouldn't be okay with the fact that he had like that there was like a baby that was like being torn apart I wouldn't be okay with the

fact that he wasn't like doing anything to really leave it I think you also need to like evaluate how much you actually care for him because if you really if either of you both really did care for each other you'd never want to let you never want to let your significant other be a terrible person and makes mistakes and if you really care about somebody you want to do everything in your power to protect them from fucking up and from hurting themselves and hurting other people so I think if you're both okay with just both of you being homewreckers it's kind of like you don't think that highly of each other like it's like he thought that this is something that you would do and you were like this is something he would do clearly you both don't really have the highest

opinion of each other which i don't think is or you belong together that's right maybe you guys should go off and be happy together then just let yeah and also there's something that i hate that like and i've said this like i've i've i've said i've been in the same situation like emotional cheating with an ex and all that stuff and it's terrible but there's also something that's about when somebody else doesn't know it's like that idea of like oh what doesn't know won't hurt them that's not true because when someone needs to know all the information because then you get that person gets a voice and an input if him if he's saying oh no this is all dead or this is fine and then he's turning around and saying something to her or if even he if he wanted to make it work

with her she doesn't know that he's doing all of this stuff and if she knows all of this stuff maybe she wouldn't want to make it work with him so the idea that you can just aid him along and letting him do this and letting him like be a part of this like web of lies you're taking away the other half of that person's like choice in this relationship like if he really does have these issues he needs to face them head-on with her he just can't coast along with having a wife and a side piece and a baby if he really wanted to be with you he would end it with her he would have ended with her before like you guys ever did anything because he would never have wanted to put you in a position of

resentment because also what if he does end it with her and then what if he regrets it and his relationship with his kid is completely fucked and she gets full custody whose fault is that in his mind that's your fault like you did that you're the one who did all of that good point oh it's goodbye you'll never listen to the podcast again but sorry to throw shade but yeah we did hurt so so yeah and also if you do listen to this podcast ever again i would like to hear what happens yeah but i feel like you're never going too fingers crossed that you asked for it okay guys we're gonna go on a quick break and then we'll be right back this episode of don't blame me is brought to you by me promoting us on itunes

i'm a hoe for itunes aren't we all uh so guys uh i love when you guys leave fantastic reviews on the apple podcast app slash itunes it really means a lot to me i enjoy reading them i enjoy reading them so much that i'm gonna pull some up on my phone right now to give you guys some shout outs also this is a great place on the podcast app to tell me what your episodes have been your favorite who what guests have been your favorite what guests you'd like to come back on lily marston anybody i'm thinking she needs to come back on again the title of this is been watching from the start which means so fucking much to me which also means i mean actually we recorded it on video from the beginning so i was like maybe she didn't but she didn't she's not

lying um i've been tuning in constantly since your first episode and i've absolutely fallen in love i binge listened to the first few while i was sick on a 13-hour plane ride that's fucking terrible and i'm not lying when i say that your podcast and big little lies which you talked about a lot on your podcast got me through the trip now over a year later you got me through another long plane ride that i had a fever on at home i listen to you when i run and if i'm being honest it's the only reason i'm actually motivated to go outside or work out your topics can change from some serious moral disagreement with a caller to literally talking about someone's penis being ripped and it all somehow lessens the pain of going on a jog your advice is always really good

the banter you have with your guests always has me laughing i really do learn a lot while listening thanks and keep up the great work thank you so much that means a lot also i feel so bad for you some treacherous fucking plane rides so uh thank you so much to whoever wrote that review and if you guys left reviews on the podcast app again like i said it would mean a lot to me that's an opportunity for you to kind of vocalize how you feel and what you want to see more of guests you like and all of that stuff because i definitely do read them when i have bad days and i don't book auditions i won't name drop the one i didn't just book because everyone watches it so fun um so yeah guys uh leave us some reviews on the apple podcast app

five stars only like an uber and now back to the episode okay guys we are back from our break and we're going to hop into some more calls hi megan i'm a big time long time listener a huge fan um i am dealing with something that's like super tough i don't know what to do so my boyfriend and i have been together for about just under a year and we love each other very very much like talking about marriage and everything I'm 21 he's 24 um and we just found out that there is apparently he has a kid that he did not know about um back when he was 17 years old so you know like seven years ago um was with a girl and then they she got pregnant and didn't tell him and um i ended up dating

somebody right after they broke up and they you know after they slept together and i guess she just assumed that that guy was the father of the baby but now turns out they realized like oh no that's not the father um and it's time to do a dna test and she was like trying to figure out who she is plus was at that time and they did a dna test and it turns out it is my boyfriend and so it's just like you know i love him and i support him and i'm here for him but it's like i don't know how to i don't i don't really know how to feel about it or how to talk about it to him um I don't know really what to do as as his girlfriend and where I play a role in this or even if I play a role in this um and you know it's just it's weird knowing that this person that I

love so much and care about so deeply has like a part of him that is like seven years old out in the world somewhere that is his kid. And, you know, he and I always talk about us having kids together one day, but it's hard to imagine

another kid in that equation. That is a classic Luke and Lorelai situation. Shitty April comes on, ruins everything. Science. With her brain.

oh smart fucking kid oh god they did the wrong thing in that situation Luke and Lorelai I mean they pushed each other away and they should have been Luke should have welcomed her in like Luke should have I mean Luke should have let Lorelai be a part of it yeah

I think it's the same situation I think it's just like oh that's so rough for both of you and it's no one's fault you know except the girl who didn't tell like and him for getting her pregnant yeah I mean well yes but also like it takes two people have sex yeah it does i just think it's 17 though too i'm like you you know at this point you're

supposed to like use birth control right like some people don't i like to be totally honest i don't know what i would do if like i found out my boyfriend had a kid with somebody else it would be the the thing is it's like it's this is so much harder for him than it's gonna be for you because there is that kind of guilt of being like not only was he not there for the first seven years of his kid's life if the mom doesn't want him involved then he's not really going to be present and that looks bad on him not her for that kid and it's a missing out on a lot of things like when you think about you wanting a family and you wanting kids with him and all that stuff you have to think about that he and he says he wants the same things with you it's not that he

would have like wanted them with this woman but it's knowing that there's a kid going around where those memories that he's excited for for you guys to have together with your kid there's a kid that is half of his dna that he missed out on those moments for so i think you need to cut him i think you just need to be a really supportive of him and really vocal and don't be like luke and lorelei and not talk about it because then it becomes a oh this is a my thing that we don't get to talk about but I think if you can just be like hey and if this is true if this is something that you can't get past okay but if it is because you really care about him being like hey this is I don't even know how you must be feeling right now I love you so much I want you to know that like I'm here to

support you what whatever you want to do I think that you are a great guy I don't think you should feel guilty for any of this it's totally like a surprise and it's a lot on your plate but like i'm here as your partner to like support you in navigating this and i i would love to be as involved or as little as much or as little involved as whatever you and his mom would like but i think that you i think that you know how to be a stand-up guy here and and like really step up to the plate and i think that's i don't know i think that have you watched queer eye yet it's like karamo found out he got a girl pregnant when he was like 16 like 25 years late no like 20 yeah not 25 years later like 16 years later yeah so he was like 25 and found out that he had a son

who now he's legally adopted his son when he was 25 and his son's half brother who he's not even blood related to yeah and i think i think like that's obviously like who not your boyfriend's probably not gonna like you know adopt these kids but i also think i think it's important for him to have a conversation with the mom about what his if he has a role in it or what kind of role that he has and it's your job to I think like be just be really supportive but then also really enforce the communication because it's like it's like a child-sized wedge that can be between you two if it's not something that you guys are really allowed to talk about yeah I would also say I know this is such a tough situation maybe this is a tough thing to hear but you're so young like you

need to figure out if is is this what you really want to because it's not too late for you to get out of it like if you're not feeling this and it's also not like this is a crazy situation this isn't something that you have to deal with and it's not something that you'll probably ever come across again like it's not one of those yeah it's not one of those relationship things that you're like well no matter where I go in a relationship this is something that I'm gonna have to deal with yeah i think it's also okay yeah if it's too much i think that's okay because she's 21 she's 21 like wow and it's not you know if you're like you know your head over heels you're like this is the one and you are supportive it's not too late you know you can you're still gonna have your marriage and

your kids together like that's still gonna be a thing that's not something that's just gonna go away like he's not gonna forget about you guys and your life together but if he you know decides to be part of this kid's life you're gonna have to you know be part of it too so you have to figure out is that what you want yeah and also like so i am i have a half brother who's significantly older than me and even i can say like as growing up like it was i felt super jealous anytime that like my dad would be visiting him or doing anything like that but i think that's better than the alternative of just pretending like it never happened like easily i could not address that i like i i it's it's just one of those things that like family situations can be really sticky

but it's it's i it's a problem that he needs to face and i think if he decides that he doesn't want to face this and wants to be not a part of this kid's life on his own accord and everything like that i think you need to kind of pay attention to that because that's who you want to be the father of your kids i think however he decides to handle the situation is kind of how he's going to be a parent in the future because what if you got pregnant how is he going to step up to the plate like it doesn't really matter when like that idea that like oh well when i'm mature and ready to be like a parent and a father like that's when i can do it but i can't be it right now he already didn't have to do it for the first seven years like if he's if he's not willing to do anything

and everything that he can and the mom is wanting him to do I think you need to it shouldn't be a moment of relief of being like great cool this is something in our past we don't have to address that's like oh this is the guy that when I get pregnant he's supposed to stay there for me with me through the whole thing so I think just really going into it with that mindset um and also you yeah you you she might be great you guys might have all end up just like being nice and friendly and cool but i think you have to he needs to really act on it and you need to support whatever he ends up doing agreed fucking insane damn would love a call back on that one too yeah would really love to to know okay should we go on to the next one okay hey megan so about

two months ago my best friend committed suicide um I'm 14 years old by the way so um I have been told a lot of ways to grieve and I am in a good place right now but something that's hard for me is that I often find it difficult when I'm in a group situation with people who also knew her um whenever I want to bring her up because one of the main things for me is that I really wanted to keep her memory alive but I know that everyone has a different grieving process and now that so much time has passed or you know quite a bit of time has passed I feel a little bit more uncomfortable bringing her up because for people that are in a better place right now i don't want to make them feel bad by reminding them of her but you know she's still always on my mind and

even when i'm happy she's on my mind so i guess um the advice that i'm seeking is is it selfish to bring her up in conversation even in a nice way if i want to share a memory um is it still okay to talk about her and is it okay to still like talk about her death death um even after time has passed um because I'm kind of torn because I obviously want to move on and be happy but then I also don't want to ever forget about her and it just feels kind of rough but it's been a while since I've talked to her and even since we've all talked about her together because that first one happened you know there was we were all sitting together a lot and talking about her and stuff and now it just kind of feels like no one's doing anything and I get it but like

I don't know just also since you're someone unbiased and that isn't in this whole situation And maybe, do you also have any advice for grieving? So, yeah, those are my two main questions. Like, is it okay to still bring her up and how? And do you have any advice for grieving? Bye. Oh, fuck. Yes, it's okay to talk.

I'm pretty sure everybody still has her on their minds. So I think it's probably a really good way to all grieve together. I couldn't not. You know, it was your best friend. How could you just not? but I'd also recommend maybe going to a therapist and talking to them about or a grief counselor yeah because yeah I mean you don't want to like get over it but it's just it's important to tell people how you're feeling yeah I think everybody grieves really differently so talking

to like a grief counselor a therapist I think is really important and I already think you're doing better than you think you are because you want to talk about like the happy memories that you have of her. And that's kind of when you can get to the point where you can just appreciate the life that she had. And I would say also, like, I think a lot of people feel very, very uncomfortable talking about death. But I think it is something that people should talk about more. And especially when you guys are grieving, like you said, like keeping all of that in and not saying something like that's a really heavy thing you guys had to deal with. And you guys had to deal with it together and maybe it's about asking your friends just being straight up with them and

be like hey um how like how are you feeling post all of this like what's something that like I really want to talk about her like is do any of is anyone down to talk about her or is like if some people are like I feel really like it just hurts me too much I really don't want to talk about it then respecting that too because I get that you don't want to interfere with anyone else's like coping process but just really being just at this point like just super transparent with them and your friends and just asking them hey is anybody like anybody feeling this way that I can talk to with this and then I would also like yeah just definitely talk to like a grief counselor or talk to a therapist or anything like that and I think also reminding yourself that even

if your friends don't really want to talk about it or they feel uncomfortable it doesn't mean that they're over it or it doesn't mean anything like that like I had a friend pass away when I was in high school and it was like just a random freak accident but we I was like in more of like the outskirts of his like circle of friends and his really really really close group of friends they were the first people to start talking about him just casually and it made it kind of okay for everybody else who wanted to like be able to talk about him to be like oh you you as his closest friends have granted me permission to also share like oh my god he would have loved this this is so funny and doing things like that I think that you guys can kind of take the first strides and steps

of like what you guys are ready to talk about because I think also even if it's not your core group of friends I I think everybody around you is probably just waiting for you guys to kind of make the first move and establish what's okay and what's not because nobody wants to hurt you or bring something up so I think the more honest and transparent you can be I think that was the greatest thing for um it was my friend's boyfriend and she that was like the greatest thing for her was like as soon as she started talking about him and we were all just like making jokes she's like oh my god this is great because it's not like i don't feel like everybody's walking on eggshells around me i don't feel like i'm the only one grieving with this she was like i want to like

laugh about how like he was an idiot sometimes like i want to be able to do that kind of stuff and so i think i think you guys kind of just you you yourself need to like set the precedent of what you want and then also you just talk to your friends about that and then the more comfortable you guys can kind of be talking about it the more everyone else around you too I think will be able to just see what you want like you're I don't know you have the power in the situation of like how you want to go about this and people there are definitely people who are going to want to talk about it too but again people feel uncomfortable yeah especially the way it all went down because it wasn't just a freak accident I'm sure it's

probably triggering to a lot of people so i think you nailed it it's just like asking say hey do you want to talk about her today is it cool there's stuff i just want to talk about yeah they're probably questioning it too yeah yeah i have the same questions that you have and they want to be careful but they don't know how to bring it up yeah i think everybody's just looking out for everyone else's feelings and not wanting not wanting to yeah when you see someone happy you're like oh i don't want to upset the situation but just like you're saying it's not always like in a damper to the mood sometimes it's like oh my gosh like how could we not mention this yeah and so i think the more open you are with your friends you'll be surprised by the amount of people that

also feel the same way that you do fuck that's so sad and i'm so sorry sorry okay should we go on to the next call yeah it's producers producers corner okay so uh i'm gonna perk up with my voice now um so uh now we're going to producers corner and producers corner is where uh mel will pick either a callback of somebody who has an update on their situation or we will have somebody who will have listened to our podcast and heard the advice that we gave.

And excuse me, we won't be burping. Oh, it tastes like turkey burger. Can you smell it? Yeah. It'll be somebody who will call back in with their own advice or their feedback

on some of the advice that we gave, which is usually pretty good because a lot of people who have surprisingly had some of the very similar, crazy, weird situations happen to them. So what do we have today?

We've got an update today. We have an update? Yes. No offense. These are my favorite. So this is from the episode with Melvin Gregg. And this is the girl who has been with her boyfriend for eight years and then found out that he cheated on her two years ago.

Oh, yeah. We were harsh. Yeah. Also, Melvin texted me yesterday and was like, your fans fucking hate me. I was like, aw. It's okay, Melvin. You're cute. Hey, Megan.

I'm the one with the boyfriend of eight years who cheated on me and then took two years to tell me. And I just wanted to update you with what's been going on. But first, I just wanted to clarify something. Like when I first spoke about how he was like there for me through what I was going through, through my eating disorder and all that, I was in no way trying to undermine that. I was more so trying to express the fact that I was feeling extra um what's the word uh like I don't know blindsided I guess after he cheated on me because he did something so amazing for me I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would do something so horrible so that's I don't know that's just what I was trying to say in that in that thing so anyways um well we had that

discussion about whether or not we want to be single and like explore other things apart from us because you know you're right like we know nothing except each other and we've never really been single and we kind of decided that like we'd both be lying to ourselves if we had no curiosity about anything else like whatsoever but that curiosity wasn't strong enough and isn't strong enough to like break our relationship so we've decided to stay together and um yeah so far it's been the right decision we're working on repairing our relationship and he's working really hard to earn my trust back and I'm really appreciative of him doing that and I've also thought a lot about what you said about me like figuring out what I want outside of him so I've been putting

myself first in a lot of situations and doing things for myself like apart from our relationship of course I haven't been like with other people because I would never I would never even think about doing that but just in general just I've just been exploring hobbies and interests and just my own life outside of him and um so yeah and that's been going really well so I really really really appreciate your advice and I really appreciate you answering my call and yeah thank you very much that's so sweet biggest sigh of relief I was like oh god oh god oh god I think it's good I think um I don't know I mean I think so much of the time so much my advice is have it have to have a conversation have to have a conversation and there's two ways a conversation

can end it can end up with in this situation i think both melvin and i were kind of assuming or kind of yeah kind of assuming that both of you were going to want to be because they'd been together they're like they were the only each other like they've been together since they were like what 13 13 and they're yeah crazy in their 20s now um and so i think we both kind of assumed that you would both be curious but i the one of the things i didn't think about and be curious to see other people but one of the things i didn't think about was that you're you both decided that you were curious to be with other people but not not enough to break up which is something i didn't think didn't think about which i think if you guys are on the same page is great and you're both and

now you both kind of know that you've addressed the elephant in the room of like hi we've been dating since we're 13 and like both of us have seen and been attracted to other people and so i think that's like as long as that's out in the open and it's good there's less resentment and kind of like fear of someone running away um it makes other people feel like makes you guys feel i don't know i would say more secure and i'm stoked he's earning your trust back and fuck you out of hobbies i'm really glad i didn't totally fuck up your life also as she was saying just like and then we i'm like oh dodged you break up and i was like did i give you advice to break up with your boyfriend and then you did it and then i'm feeling guilty but you didn't so yeah

you guys made it work yeah for you which i think is yeah every relationship has you always will have to make it work it's never going to be like smooth sailing all the time but i think i don't know i'm definitely a little bit uh i'll admit i'm a little bit judgmental of like relationships very young relationships that have lasted through a really older age um because i've never heard success stories from them but now hearing one that you guys i don't know have grown up together and it's actually working so i think it's a good message i also grew up in california where people don't date for a long time i've got a friend yeah um from high school um and her and her boyfriend have been together since they were like in sixth grade he was in seventh grade and they're married

and have kids wow yeah that's amazing some people just know it totally does happen and i think this is a great example of of kind of the typical issues that you would face in a relationship that you've been together for that long and then moving past it in and staying together as long as there's the honesty in the relationship which sounds like you guys now have that's all that matters so yeah i'm happy for you and there's less guilt too because i think you'd probably feel very guilty for like you love the idea of someone like being like i don't know i mean i don't love it i'm fine with who was my first everything or they were different people but like i'm fine with that but i think there can be if we were still together i'm sure i would hold like

a much bigger sentimental attachment to it and so i think you can then could kind of feel guilty if you ever were like it's not that i don't appreciate this i'm also just curious which is the natural human nature so i'm glad that both of you have admitted that to each other so you can feel less terror like yeah you just like don't feel like bad people for thinking about you know what other people would be like when you have if you have sex with them or not okay well cool um i'm so glad we had an update and uh that was cool thank you so much brie for being on this episode for having me you gave great advice thanks i know i hope so you did you're equally as savage as i am which makes me very happy i've just been there like i've been there i so i know what it's like

to be the other one like not the other woman but the one yeah with another woman so i've been hurt you guys you know haven't we all yeah well thank you so much for being on where can people check you out on the internet or real life if you want them to like come meet you and hang out with them You know, if you want foot pics, hit me up. It's at Brie Esrig on all socials. B-R-E-E-E-S-S-R-I-G. I know it's confusing. Oh, people sometimes think your name is Brie with three E's.

Yeah, or they're like Brie's rig. I'm like, Brie's rig. What a name. What a name. Thanks, Mom. Well, my real name's Brianna, but it's just a lot, you know? Yeah. It's a lot.

It's a lot. I'm a Brie. You are a Brie. I'm such a Brie. Anyway, yeah, you can find me on there. you can check out you know some of my merch I got

CZND I have two mugs and a hat check it out they're cute they're cute the hat says IDK and IDC

I don't know and I don't care and then the mug says today is dumb and the other one says I don't need coffee coffee needs me so if you you know

if you're into that sort of thing check it out interrelatable quotes I'm all about them I don't know I don't care if you guys want to

check out Melissa's socials they'll be in the description as will mine And if you guys want to be a part of this podcast, give us a call. Let us know what you need our advice on by calling the number 310-694-0976. International callers, you can record a voice memo and email it to meganpodcast at gmail.com. Leave us a review in the podcast app.

You can follow us on don'tblamey.show. Figure out where else we are streaming. Streaming, that's the word for this, right? audio listening yeah thing in your ear stream if you don't download it so yeah oh that does make sense yes okay well um thanks guys so much for listening and i'll see you next week don't blame me it's a production by me produced directed and edited by melissa de monts camera operator shereen yuness post-production sound by chris henry production assistant julie carley and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter i'll see you guys

next week and don't blame me if your life you know completely fucks up before then oh