Don't Blame Me! - S2E12: Guest: Lee Newton - Is He Cheating Again?!?

Episode Date: July 27, 2018

This week actress, comedian, and writer Lee Newton of The Valleyfolk is here to help with your advice. We share our wisdom on: if a promise ring is an engagement ring, a boyfriend who sleeps with his phone, and a girl dealing with her judgemental friends. We also have a listener sharing her own advice on what to do about emotionally abusive relatives.-Follow Us On Twitter:@meghanrienks@leenewtonsays@sheisnotmelissaNeed Advice?www.dontblameme.showDomestic Listeners Call: [phone]International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]… with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING.- Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:http://youtube.com/meghanrienksSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of Don't Blame Me. Today's fantastic episode is Lee Newton and we debate the topic of promise rings and engagement rings because a girl is apparently going to get one from a psychic aunt. I don't know it's it's it's quite interesting and we also talk about a girl who just wants to hoe out and is that bad is that good? Plot twist hoe the fuck out hello everybody and welcome back to don't blame me today's guest is the fantastically newton hello your hair is so cute and pink thank you so much it's kind of a fun new is this is this a recent it's recent it's like within a couple months it's been really fun it's been very interesting very nice on you it doesn't look bad which usually like not that i'm not a fan

of colors but like this is done like i would think that you were born with pink hair do you know i mean thank you so much no it's been a real fun weird journey it's also i didn't know that there's like a whole subculture of like unicorn haired people that all have like products that they use and like worlds and like speak that they speak and i had i feel like it's a lot of etsy like a A lot of Etsy. Like shampoo, you've found Etsy. It's a lot of, and a lot of Amazon, a lot of like weird little like subcult, like online thing, overtone and like weird things that you're like, I never knew.

And then they're like, do not do that. And I'm like, oh, okay. I'm sorry. You have to learn how to be a whole new person with hair. Yeah, it really is true. Wow. It's been fun. It's very pretty.

If you guys also want to see it, we are filming this podcast episode for YouTube. It's true. So if you're listening to it, go, go check out her beautiful pink hair. It's definitely like hair. Like this is something I could see someone bringing into like a salon and be like, this is the kind of pink i want which my stylist always gets found people do that she goes i can't do that i know because that's not who you are probably and you're a different person i do that all the time to my stylist here though i was like can you do this thing can i be this person she's like you

can't be madonna oh me bringing in candace swan to pull my stylist is like okay fat chance honey thank you i'm like so this is kate moth um i just like want to be her figure it out make it happen thank you so much and i'm gonna give you a hundred dollars and that's it well guys um this is don't play me it's an advice podcast oh fuck i forgot to introduce the i mean not that i'm gonna say we're not the best but melissa and her camera hi guys hi hi we've decided we're not going to color coordinate for every episode i think that's beautiful i think we should just be matching and then i'm just gonna say and never address it but if we address it here yeah then everyone who listened to this episode will know but then we'll never bring it up again yeah i think so yeah i

think we should just match i think it's essential i think it's a really good idea and if it wasn't so hot in here we could do like onesies or something funny oh it's a dream or track suits just like beautiful track suits i love a matching track suit yeah i love them i was so sad when those went out of style for a while i still held on to like my old school like juicy sweats they're back they're back they have to be back if harley jenner is gonna wear it one time and then it's gonna be yeah hot cakes completely except she got rid of her lip filler did you see that yeah i did did she get rid of them or she just reduced i think you can like dissolve them because they're like That's got to be what it was.

Cushy stuff. I think it was just she was realizing she looked cartoonish and then was like, oh, I've got to decrease this. I don't think she could get them when she was pregnant. So I wonder if she was just like, oh, maybe I'll. But I don't know. I saw a really funny meme about like. I feel like she would be the person. Maybe that's why she went to hiding.

Because she couldn't get it all. She couldn't keep up with her face. Well, it's also a weird thing because I think about it all the time. And if you look at her, you're like, oh, that's a 55 year old woman. Like, that is it. She's still hot. Do you think so? I think she's so pretty.

I think she looks so cartoonish. I saw Kim Kardashian IRL. I love cartoons. And I know, me too. Me too. Like, you like the Jessica Rabbit. Yeah. I want to be Babs Bunny, but I get it.

So, I know. I want to be totally spies. Powerpuff Girls, Sailor Moon. Oh, that feels right for you. Doesn't it? I want that for you so bad. Thank you so much. I do.

I really do. That's all I want in life is to be Sailor Moon. I really want that for you. It would be a good Halloween costume one year. It would. Not that anyone else hasn't done it before. I think you got to go take a twist on it, though. Oh, yeah.

What's my twist, though? sailor moon yeah sailor moon or she's just like i wear pants now like that feminist all right i'm a feminist sailor moon oh it's a good one i wear pants i'm a ceo of my company sailor moon ceo editor headed chief of the i don't know editor editor where's our hard okay this is hard okay uh so yeah this is an advice podcast i'm getting so sidetracked um and uh and uh my face reacted guys you might not be able to hear that there was some sound thing that was beautiful though but this is an advice podcast where people call in and leave us voicemails and then we give them advice and tell them what to do with their lives and the number to call if you guys want to be on

the episode is 310-694-0976 and for international listeners if you email an mp or whatever a video file or no an audio audio mp3 mp3 yeah mp3 or m4a struggle okay yeah i wasn't going with that one If you record, if you record an audio file, um, and email it to Megan podcast at gmail.com, we can play it and then give you some advice. So, um, how do you, how do you feel like where are your advice giving skills at? Do you give unsolicited advice? I actually, I don't ever give unsolicited advice because I, I hate it. Um, like I, I, I mean I do give it, but I am always the person that people come to after breakups and stuff. I'm consistently that. That's a good person to be. I have friends that like, I won't see them until something

horrible happens and then they're like hi that's called a therapist yeah i'm like are you charging no i'm not um my mother is a therapist my sister's my sister's a neuropsychiatrist oh wow um and we're all very open family so get ready because i might have mediocre advice yeah i mean i never take their advice or i was like here's what you're doing i'm like what do you know what are those degrees what do you make a living off of this grow up and then i go off and do the same thing so you know I mean, just so you know, it's mediocre advice, but I can give it like the best of them. I can also only speak to my own experiences. So that's my disclaimer.

Yeah. Hi, Megan. I'm 22 years old and I'm in a serious relationship. And a couple of weeks ago, he brought up that he wanted to get me a promise ring just to show me that he like is really serious. Like we've talked about marriage. We've talked about we know that we want to get married. We know that we want to have kids in the future. We're both kind of waiting to finish.

I'm finishing school. He's moving up in his career. But someone brought it to my attention when I mentioned it. It was actually his sister-in-law. She was like, wait, so he's proposing? And I was like, wait, I thought a promise ring was just like a relationship thing. So then it was brought to my attention that, like, a lot of guys don't know the difference between a promise ring and an engagement ring. And some girls don't either.

I honestly never, I guess, considered that. But it does make sense. So I guess I just wanted to ask your opinion. Do you think a promise ring means an engagement ring? Or is a promise ring just a boyfriend and girlfriend thing and then eventually there's an engagement ring? Also, his sister-in-law's aunt does have like a gift, I guess you could say. She can like kind of, I guess in a way, see the future or like she can sense things that are going to happen. And she has told me things that are going to happen before and they've all come out correct.

So I 100% believe her, and she said that he thinks that what she can see is that he thinks the promise ring is an engagement ring, and she does for a fact see us getting married, and that I will be getting the ring sometime before summer. So with that said, should I start planning my wedding, or should I just maybe ask him about it? Because we haven't brought it up ever since the first time he said it to me. It has not been brought up at all. but according to her i am for sure getting the ring whether it's promise or engagement by this summer so i don't know should i just let it be a surprise or kind of clear that up with him and see where he stands let me know what you think thank you

this is i have so many thoughts i have so many thoughts oh my god mel's gonna die well arms up don't choke i'm really i'm so sorry tickled or good we got her good oh you tickled tickled i'm so sorry oh my god it really really it's just a lot going on it's a lot going on if you um if you're listening to this episode caller just listen please don't watch the video no just listen you just listen please um i love it it's a lot to unpack it is a lot but also very little to unpack um do you i okay i can dive in you please please start okay well i'm working on my composure i feel like i'm gonna actually take it seriously and be like listen um okay but one you're 22

which is totally fine if this is something that you want in your life um a promise ring i don't know it sounds to me like it's like a loose engagement ring i think it was about sex no i mean that's a that's the jonas purity ring that was a purity that's the jonas brother you know i know i grew up in a christian home i had a promise girl i asked for one because i got lost i need it because nick and i are gonna have sex and i he needs to know that like he's gonna be the only one and then i never got it yeah no i i got one that my parents gave to me being like here you go and then they're like you lost your ring and i was like and he lost my virginity do um but different they're different they're very different promise rings can be like it's a

it's kind of big sometimes it's big in religion too like where it's like you know you promise this but it's not we're not ready for the engagement ring yet it's big in the south it's big in the south it's huge in the south um it's also really big amongst younger people because i was surprised i think it's like such a big high thing that like you know i mean i have a lot of southern relatives and they all got married very young um but yeah i think it's one of those things where there's such a weird illusion i got married uh last year i've been married a year thank you so much um there is such a weird feminine illusion of like you want the surprise and you want this like huge reveal and it's all about like how special you are to them

and i think there's a big build-up with like getting engaged you know and like and what the ideal thing is and if it's special enough for you and i kind of also think being a year into it talk talk to your significant other for the love of god like be candid and open and if you know something's coming great you know something's coming you just don't know how it's going to come and how special the moment's going to be but like please talk like i think we think it's got to be this veiled illusion of just like oh i don't want to bring it up because i don't want to ruin the surprise it's like it's your life it's the rest of you i hope it's not a surprise like i hope I hope you know I hope you know that like start a future eventually and I also hope that

you like know what a responsibility it is like again I mean you're in and it's like these are huge life decisions I don't regret it for anything in the world but I certainly knew it was coming yeah you know like I actually knew exactly when it was coming I knew he was bad at hiding it but um but it's you know I really think there's those have the conversation like have it be honest if you don't want it to be an engagement ring you gotta let them know just be like i'm all for a promise ring i'm all for committing to like furthering this you know however we can but if it's but if you want it to be an engagement ring too then which it sounds kind of like you do want it to be that then does it go on that finger same does it look like one it looks like one it's

literally the same thing i mean i think if he says will you marry me that will let you know if it's yeah exactly so but it is one if you have a have a conversation with him like if he says that he's doing that don't let it be veiled anymore don't let it be because then my mother says an expectation is a resentment under construction it's really good there it's a real therapist i have to write that i like so good but it's one of those like if you have this expectation of like whatever it's going to be but you don't communicate it then it's a huge someone's disappointing you and they didn't know that they were a part of that also I was engaged when I was 18 to a very different person I wasn't ready I wasn't ready to be engaged but because I got so caught up in the

whole thing of like engagement and like marriage and I guess it's something I was supposed to do I said yes when I shouldn't have I knew in the moment that I like he got on with me and I was like shit um but I also didn't want to lose him as a partner yeah and if you if I would have just communicated to him beforehand instead of being like I think he's gonna I thought he would have I was like oh my god I think he's gonna propose and I should have just sat him down and gone I don't hey don't do that like don't this will be four years of our life where we're engaged and it's weird and we're just young and we can just date yeah and maybe who knows if we would have just talked it out it might I might have had a different person but you know it's like yeah I

didn't want that person but but it's just one of those things where it's like I was engaged for such a it was such a weird thing it was such a an odd thing and I very much wasn't ready because I had to keep that veil of the surprise and illusion that's what I wonder with her I wonder do you want to be engaged does he think that this is something that you want because I also think I mean I am fully saying that I really obviously clearly don't understand a ton about promise ranks grew up in like liberal northern California I'm like I don't know what that is but I think also it's at least if it happens usually when you're younger I can kind of understand that more because it's like hey this is something like this is saying that like despite the fact that

we're young our relationship is very serious and this is where we see it going but if you're into your 20s and getting engaged i don't know this sounds to me like if if you're in an area where people like promise rings are a thing and you guys people do that maybe it is the south maybe people are getting married younger what how long would you wear a promise ring to then wear an engagement ring and also is it him is is this him saying that he wants to get engaged or is this him thinking that you want to get engaged and he's not ready for that and it's managing the expectation by putting like another title does he just want to bone you have they had sex do you don't know do you promise rings can sometimes be that where it's literally just like or it's a promise and

oh and then you have sex after the promise ring yeah so that is the question that's a that's an honest question it's like it is a thing of like you know here and it kind of gives leeway to like you know well why can't you just get you a nice piece of jewelry as a gift for your birthday or whatever holidays you want to celebrate like arbor day like get you a really nice piece of jewelry an arbor day necklace i love an arbor day necklace i think like if you can something like that where like i've got like a couple of pieces of jewelry that like my boyfriend's gotten me this ring and he's gotten me this ring and neither they refer like christmas and stuff but it's not there are things that i wear every day that i look down and

i'm like oh sweet like this reminds me of him so sweet but it's not they don't hold any like additional meaning and i think and until we would get engaged i don't need it to hold more meaning than like oh this is great and also if you guys have already talked about you want to end up together and have like kids and be together you've already you've made that verbal promise to each other it's very true so i think unless you really want to get engaged and you want to get married I don't know I don't know I don't know what the point of it is if and that's the only only way you can figure that out is by talking to him and like I think you have to have a very candid conversation because again it's not going to ruin any surprise I don't think I think people do they

wrap it up in this like am I special enough or is do like are you committed to me and what that means about you whether or not what that means about the relationship and how it is your whole life that you are continuing on with this person and so it's a very like you you have to really have that full what does this mean I mean even in marriage now I'm having like conversations that I go oh we should have talked about that like literally like oh oh we gotta yeah we should have god where was that why didn't we have this conversation but there's gonna be those things that keep coming up so if you as long as you can open the door with as much candidness as possible and if you want to get engaged then tell them that and you might have to wait a little bit to

get engaged and you might not have a promise ring but you know also you know there's nothing wrong with a long engagement that's my honest opinion oh my god i want to be engaged for as long as possible because just the idea of that everyone's like oh my god how'd you get proposed to and it's just all about the attention and like not about like oh when are you gonna have kids like when's it coming up and all of that pressure of i had the shortest engagement um and i wanted a long one so badly my husband had a 101 year old grandma that we really wanted at the wedding yeah and so it was literally like we got engaged in december and then i we got married in june and it was and we decided like in april that we were going to get married in june which was a very dumb move

on my part that's impressive thank you very much i had constant nosebleeds yeah so much cooking yeah i had to plan a wedding in two months this is so stupid so dumb um but it was you know it's one of those things of you i really think it's such a huge commitment and it's such a big deal that you know you said should i plan my wedding you seem very excited about that so have the constant have that talk man yeah and there's nothing wrong with being five years also depending on where you're gonna find your venue like it's gonna take you forever anyways like they're booked out i have friends that are getting married now that got engaged like four years ago and they're like well this is when we could get a venue and i'm like jesus it's los angeles it's

discuss that's true but it is yeah and i also think you went into this thinking that it didn't mean an engagement ring and now other people are telling you that it means an engagement ring and now talk about the aunt yeah the aunt but now she's wondering if it's an engagement ring and now i'm like now she if it's not that which it were her first your first instinct that it wasn't she'll be disappointed if it's not an engagement ring psychic so you have to i also i can't i don't know how to dive in you're gonna i think she's gonna be disappointed no matter what if it's not an engagement ring so you have to you're gonna have to have that conversation and then be like don't propose unless it's an engagement that psychic on is that a gift or is it a curse

i don't know if a psychic is so raven god that's so raven it's oh my god i just i can't i really can't i can't i don't know if i that's how that's where i don't think i'd be i swear i lost it too i'm really sorry i would either call her all the time or like never never i would just never want to know she's like you're gonna die tomorrow yeah also does she say that or does she only say the good things also yes is she close with your boyfriend maybe he just told her maybe he just told her true like and how much is she predicting is she an aunt if she's psychic or yeah she's not an aunt no no oh my gosh answer young and we're like oh i'm i am so ready for that psychic psychic oh i want her to be like marjorie or something yeah and like i want her not to have

a job in the whole family like she like she's in too high demand yeah like she's constantly any beckoning call they're like marjorie and she's like that's aunt marjorie and i knew you were gonna call i knew you hello hello and how'd you know caller id let's write this we have to it's necessary i'm just ready for every kathy bates outfit yes i'm so into it kimonos lots of like slight cultural appropriation in her outfit and she definitely lives in the south yeah 100 and just like various religious artifacts that don't all go with one religion so many masks on her wall and you're like i don't think you should have that peace pipe did you buy this yeah where did you get these all her lovers

all of her lovers so many she loves international lovers she does lovers lovers they come by boat like actual explores i'm ready it's so good i mean i guess so in a nutshell have a conversation with your psychic aunt yeah no have a conversation with your boyfriend first right oh psychic aunt marjorie oh so psychic most psychic good god okay i'm ready that was good that was great i lost it okay guys on to the next call ready on to the next call this is that was a great first call it's only gonna get better i don't know i don't know i think it has to hi megan i'm 19 years old and my boyfriend is 20 years old him and i have been together for almost four years now um he used to be super sketchy about his phone he would sleep with it in his hand or it would be in his

pocket and i just wasn't allowed to touch it around this time last year i found out that he had been flirting through snapchat and text with a friend um for about a year and a half which at the time was half of our relationship and he had told her that we had been broken up and would try to hang out with her i had talked to her and she when i had found out i had talked to her and she had said that they never hung out and that she was not interested um but i was still extremely hurt and ended up leaving him for about six months he would say he never had feelings for her but it's a little hard to believe. For the most part, I didn't talk to him up until the end of November, and he made it clear that he wanted to be with me and only me. He was totally different

the second time around, and he treated me so much better. In February, I decided to give him a second chance. Now it's June, and we have been doing really well. We aren't fighting like we used to, and in general, our relationship is better than before. My parents and my sister like him and see that we are in a much better relationship but in the last three weeks he's been starting to hide his phone again um i'm not the type of girl to look through his phone i don't even have his password it makes me feel icky and i probably only looked through it about three times throughout the whole relationship i don't want to look through his phone because i'm just not that type girl but if i do end up finding something i would be hurt but at least like no so if i'm wanting is

it justifiable for me to look through his phone how can we try to rebuild my trust in him if there isn't anything on his phone and he truly changed well i mean in my belief yeah if you think if you get paranoid and you think something's there something is there i've i have a really great track record which is also like a great and terrible thing of like every time i've had like a sinking feeling about a relationship yeah i've never been wrong which like satisfies me being like wow i'm right but also it's like oh fuck like that thing i didn't want yep yep yep women especially like we're so you just know like no it's like a woman's intuition there is like a thing even girls like you you literally have sex one time you're like oh i'm pregnant and then

they know and you're like how the fuck did you know no like there's you're just if you are suspecting it not only do you have a reason to believe it because this has happened before and it was the same stuff just that feeling you have I think you know it would be different if like if you were just being paranoid or if you were just like whatever there's a track record there's a track record that he has of that and he's hiding his phone again and to be not want to be that girl it's like that's fine at the same time but I think once again it's like have the conversation with him if he doesn't let you like ask him to see his phone if he doesn't let you see his phone then there's a reason and i also think you saying that you don't want to be that girl is so the male

voice and talking that that's not a thing girls say i've been like i don't want to be that girl we've decided and we or we've been told that the girl who looks through her boyfriend's phone is crazy it's crazy not because not the guy who's made this girlfriend so insecure and made her feel like she needs to look through his phone she actually has to do that yeah no yeah there's no one wakes up one day that's like i'm gonna do this no it's like there are people that i do know that like are just crazy jealous paranoid people and I've had friends that have been in relationship with them and they've been like I don't know and you can look through everything here's all my passwords it's fine but that's not a that girl thing when you're sitting here saying this person

has had problems in the past with this and I'm getting this feeling again it's like you know I don't know we're you know what is it where there's grease there's fire smoke there's fire but where there's smoke there's fire it's one of those things where you're like yeah just I'm not telling or to look in the phone obviously but look in that goddamn i mean if you don't you just have to know if you go into it looking for something and you find you're gonna find it like if you have that feeling find it there's you have options of confronting or not but i kind of feel like if you're gonna be stuck in that same repetition like it's gonna yeah it's gonna happen it's one of those things i think youth is a difficult thing because i don't i think it's difficult like

I always say once a cheater always a cheater um but because that's been my experience because that has been my experience not only with like my own life but with like all of my friends and now we're talking we're now we're in that age where it's like marriage cheating yeah you know you're like yeah that's that's what it was was consistent marriage cheating but it is like youth is difficult because there's a lot of feelings and your frontal lobe isn't formed until you're 22 fact uh but but it's you know it's kind of one of those things once a cheater always a cheater if he's gonna do that then he's gonna consistently do that and he's not respecting you or your feelings at all and he's not trustworthy for your heart and your love so run and i also just think

it's not even if he had even if he had changed the feeling of just like paranoia and stress and worry even if there's nothing there you don't have to settle for that like that's not a livable kind of like relationship also then if you are that and i've had friends that have actually gotten past cheating in their relationships like i've had friends that have done that and they've done it well but that means that that person whoever got caught is literally like an open book completely very much is like great yeah you feel that way you have a feeling about that person i guess i'm gonna have to they're in the dark house for years yes yeah no really like there are friends i know that like because they came through an affair or infidelity in the

relationship like it's like i've had friends that have been like yeah and then she had to fire that person because her husband felt a way about him and she was like yeah that's my marriage and now i have to do that and it's like you have you have to respect that so if he's if you confront him and he's going to have an issue about it he's got to respect that that has made you feel that way in the past and he's hurt you in the past so welcome to it welcome to being quote in the dog house or also welcome to trying to respect your partner enough and give her that open you know love and admiration that makes her feel loved and trusted so welcome to it if he has an issue i always say ditch him yeah because it's the same thing you're gonna have that lording over your head constantly

the second that he doesn't show you something on his phone or the second that he has his phone on him at all times or the fact that he sleeps with his phone is like he keeps a grip during his sleep on his phone that's like a hostage situation hostage situation that is a yeah have you looked through boyfriend's phone yes yes i have have i found things every time yes yes did i know i was trying to find it yes did it still suck yes but it is also i've had things happen to where i've like looked through boyfriend's phone found something and then he like went in later and deleted everything oh my god i was like thank god i saw it all right thank god i actually because otherwise he would have been like nothing happened I was like girl I saw no you know what my trick

was was taking pictures of said phone with whatever I was looking at with then my phone so smart and then I would send them to my friend have an advice it is I would send them to my friend then they would save them in a private folder on their phone and I would delete everything this is some Harriet the spy shit she's ready she's fucking ready he's doing it no it is crazy like i don't know i kind of think i think you look i think yeah that's just my opinion and i know it's gonna be like well if there's trust and it's like well he hasn't warranted trust he hasn't no he hasn't he doesn't deserve that and also he in rebuilding your trust he cannot not only does he need to go above and beyond and showing you that you can trust him he specifically

cannot do the things he did before that made you not trust him yeah and also i my only thing is too is with you have to so trust your gut with this because especially with guys or anyone who really has it like it struggles with telling the truth and lying and things like that you can be made and i've been made out to be i'm crazy and like these feelings of paranoia that's on me and then you're doing nothing else so you feel all of this shame and blame for not only looking at someone's phone but then feeling that you can't it's on them it's on them doing that they made you feel like that behind that stupid pinterest quote like behind every crazy girl is a guy who made her feel insane no that's like that's what that is it really is good because it's it's so

true it's one of those things where you're like and you said it perfectly of you you don't have to live with that no that's really it it's like you don't have to live with that feeling there are plenty of people in this world that want to treat you well and want to respect you and want do not do that so unless this unless you got like a chocolate favorite yeah you fucking run it's yeah and even then that'll get old right you'll get old right you'll want strawberry vanilla tonight thank you very much moving on okay um but yeah i mean it sucks we've all been there but i think you gotta look through it and then yeah i mean i think i think you are warranted to look at his phone and if he says no then you're warranted to have the conversation of this is how

make him feel and you're also warranted to run run away you know what i would do though i would look at it first then pretend you didn't look at it then ask him if you can look at it and then see if he's deleted anything she's harriet harriet the spy i've done it veronica myers i would do that then then you see if there was something even if something you didn't if you looked at it and it didn't seem suspicious if he deleted anything then there was something suspicious that even you didn't realize no she's right yeah look through it look through it first then ask him yeah then if he says yes it's also you want to be in the know and you have to be in the know because there's things that really it's like i from personal experience there's things that

you've seen that you're just like this would shatter my earth if i found it i found it and now i know and if you're gonna lie about that then that says everything about who you are as a person completely i need to know like it says everything if you're diminishing what is happening or if you're doing that you're making me feel crazy when i am 100 warranted to feel this way yeah no you're done yeah toast go away fuck you fuck you to you not you to no to not you to your obviously to your boyfriend also you're great you're 19 girl oh my god you have so many more much so many things ahead of you want a career get it true get it girl true too at 24 you should probably start investing in your future um from 24 to 35 you could really get a retirement fund

that could, over time, gain interest that could really set you for life. It's not going to happen any other time besides 24 to 35. Okay, I'll work on it. That percentage, work on it. Okay, I'll work on it. That's all. We're going on to the next call. Hey, Megan.

I'm 15, and I have a question for you about my older sister and our relationship. So my sister and I were really close when we were little, but we began to grow apart when I was going into middle school. And this was around the same time that my sister started using drugs. Now, at the time, my family was not aware of it, but I had a sneaking suspicion the whole time, and I never said anything. My sister would go on random walks late at night and spend pretty much all of her time in her room. At her worst, she even stole some money from me, which I confronted her about, but she denied it at the time, and I believed her. Thankfully, we moved from Texas to Wisconsin before things got even worse, and she has been clean for over a year.

However, our relationship is completely shredded. Even though it sucks and I guess it makes me a horrible person, I resent her for making me harbor such anxiety and stress because of her. Because of her, I have this deep-seated fear of drugs, and any mention of them would trigger an anxiety attack. I've gotten a lot better, but still don't quite know what to do about our relationship. I've spoken to her therapist about these feelings to help aid in her recovery, but feel as though she does not recognize the struggle that myself and my family endured. when she was using if you have any thoughts on how to help me either like hold my resentment or

how to how to revive my relationship with my sister i would greatly appreciate it thanks bye oh baby i'm one i'm so sorry because drugs are hard drugs are really drug addiction is it's addiction it's not drugs it's addiction addiction is very difficult it's um it really is one of those things that can i think tear up a family apart so viciously so i will give you guys props that yeah she's been clean a year that you guys are a family that obviously cares and like wants to put her first in that sense um it is you know it's it's a difficult thing because it's so hard um i don't know if you're gonna get yet in her recovery because she said she's a year and a year is pretty fresh actually a year is like real fresh three years is technically fresh and and

aa and stuff like that three years is is some of the most difficult time before you relapse and like have certain thoughts so um you know i don't know what her recovery process was i don't know if she you know did aa or anything else like that but you know um the my favorite quote from aa is you're powerless over people places and things and that's something for you to take on as well where yes i'm sure you're hurt i'm positive there's a lot of resentment i don't think it makes you a bad person you said it makes me a horrible person no god no these are feelings that you have that you are 100 warranted for um especially because it's hard with a family because you see the hurt that it brings on to the people that you love it's not just you like sure

you're on the back burner you're having anxiety attacks because of that and that is so unfair but also you get to see your parents struggle with it and that's awful um do know that it's a disease it is and it's hard to like justify that because you keep thinking it's the person and their actions but it is a disease it's a disease and it takes over and so in her recovery right now uh you might not get that beautiful heartwarming hollywood movie i'm so sorry for everything that I've done and how I made you feel but know that that is a process that hopefully with her therapist she is going through and I think it's smart of you to talk about that because your therapist needs to bring that up to her of like hey you you hurt these people in your life

in AA there is the like you know you you make you know what is it amends yeah you make amends you make amends to the people that you've wronged you do that I have people come into my life a lot that are like hey remember seven years ago and i'm like yeah and you're like yeah all right sorry about it but um i've gone to ai a lot with friends i have a lot of friends that are in the program and i also think it's such a beautiful thing for if you have any codependency issues or if you have any like other issues like that that it is beautiful in that sense to help you get through it um but but this is it's a tough one because it might take time it might take time and honest communication and you know and just don't expect her to feel as sorry that she needs

to feel for you because right now she's going through the addiction and that sucks to like kind of say that you know yeah but it is a difficult thing of saying just right now she's working on her and she doesn't see the forest of the trees she doesn't see it she she will I really think if she goes through her whole thing we I have friends and family I have family that specifically has years later been like I messed up yeah apologies for Christmas and you're like yeah yeah I get it but it is it's it's her own process and I do think you're warranted in feeling that way so know that that know that the world understands exactly how you feel but she might take time to apologize for that and amending the sisterhood will take time yeah you know she might

not ever apologize for it and i think that's something that my like people i know and are in my life that we've had to kind of manage our expectations with that and the only thing you want is for this person to be clean happy and healthy and if you don't realize all the havoc you wrecked on everything else, that's okay. Because ultimately that recovery is the most important part because whatever damage that they've caused, they're not going to be causing any more by, by continuing to use. And so I think like, yeah, it would feel so great to have that kind of apology. But I also think I exactly like you're saying, like addiction is disease. And i grew up with a kid who uh had leukemia and he had to go get treatments and everything like that

and his brother went to a camp for siblings of kids who had leukemia because they were also affected by this it was like this is my brother who's incredibly sick yeah and here i am feeling super selfish because i'm not getting as much attention from my family i'm upset because this is like ruining my childhood i also am terrified for him and i'm living in fear and now i'm stressed about everything and i'm like afraid of the world and it i think you will need to see your own therapist for that i think like it's important to know that like everything you're saying like all of your feelings are totally valid you don't have to like you can resent her you can be upset like those are really normal feelings and there's something that it's just what happens to people

who are kind of caught in the crossfire of those terrible things and you gotta just like address it head on because they're you you hear that when you have like kids who grew up with parents who had addiction issues and they go to therapy for that like being surrounded by something like that it's something that happened in your life as well that you don't have the choice about and I think if you talk to a therapist you're going to seek so much less from your sister and realize and realize that you these and I am like also I'm terrified of drugs like so scared of drugs like I can't watch I can't watch Breaking Bad I can't watch I couldn't either oh my god the night of immediately there was just I saw a little bit of white dust nope nope I went to college I don't

need to see anymore I'm good I'm right fully freaks me out I'm I'm the angry person at the party like if there's coke and we're like we're leaving oh my completely if I see someone go into a bathroom for too long I'm like I gotta go home I'm very uncomfortable yeah and I think if you can communicate that just know that that's okay and that's normal there are lots of people who just feel i get terrible anxiety around drugs like it's normal you can feel like that and that's fine um making sure you're communicating that with like your friends and the people in your life as well because i think i don't know i think the biggest issue here that you need to tackle is that you feel guilty for resenting your sister and for feeling upset and you need to like let go of that

shame realize that this did also happen this didn't happen to you in the same sense that it happened to her but this affected your life yeah and you need to treat it accordingly just like your sister is going through that process i think you need to as well um because i think it's it's okay that it's affected you i think it would affect anybody but you need to you need to let your sister focus on her own recovery and you need to focus on you yeah well and you said it really beautifully like manage your expectations of her like that's that's really it is like to to expect this behavior of a very clean person that doesn't have an addiction and doesn't have a past of selfishness and doesn't,

doesn't, isn't just gigantically focused on that is, is not a real expectation. It's not something that's going to happen necessarily, which sucks. And I'm sorry, I am sorry. That sucks.

But at the same time, as long as you keep managing those expectations and going like, I know I'm not going to get this, but I can try and build whatever small bridge that I can moving forward. i can appreciate that she's getting better and getting clean um you know there's people in your life i mean i'm sure you've had it too we've all gotten to that point where we there's people that you cut out that you it's unfortunate or it's not like you just cut them out because you're cold it's it's self-preservation you know it's that thing of like i know that you're gonna hurt me

and i know that i'm gonna expect you to act one way and you're not going to do that and so i'm gonna have to limit my interactions with you until you're ready to get sober and clean and be a kind generous normal person and that might take time so what i can do right now is be there for you if you need me and you know and limit whatever that interaction is that gets me so frustrated yeah you know because they're not doing it to you no that's like that's the biggest thing that i had to realize i was like this has nothing to do with me you expect it to be that normal behavior and you forget that it is a disease that completely consumes their life and you know thank god she is getting clean so some people don't have that luxury i know that's a weird thing to like keep

perspective about but some people don't have the luxury of that person in their life getting clean and building that road and i know it does take time i mean again it was i've had people that like eight years later yeah i've been like hi and you're like oh there you are peter you know like okay great but yeah you know it's i'm sorry i'm very sorry and i think make it right therapy is because i love therapy yeah i've been around for about 15 years in my life now and i love it it's a good song it is a great we should sign it to itunes i want to put it on there i think i have to i have to now the therapy song the therapy song it's real short but it takes a really long time and it's quite expensive quite expensive quite expensive okay guys it is time for a break

and we'll be back very very soon today's episode of don't blame me is brought to you by me kidding not really kind of this is just me shamelessly promoting us on the apple podcast app i love finding out that people have like discovered us through there and the way that they can do that is by you guys leaving some fantastic reviews because you're nice people so if you leave a mean here's what the thing here's what you have to do if you have ever left a mean review on yelp you have to leave a nice review on this podcast like you're just evening out like your karma not that you shouldn't write mean reveals on yelp but i just mean if you can take the time to do that you can take the time to write

a nice review like this person who said too formal of a review but i love this podcast oh i'm excited for a formal review is this like school i've never written a review for a podcast but felt the need to write one for the particular podcast because it's so good i found this podcast because i've been watching Megan's videos since 2014 and I love her personality and honesty it's by far my favorite podcast that I've ever listened to Megan's humor always guarantees a laugh and on laugh so on the incredibly slim chance that Megan is reading this thank you for putting this podcast out and making me smile every time I listen to it keep what you're doing and thanks again oh my gosh thank you so much that means a lot um and I do read them guys see proof right now so shout out

to um you I think her I am usernames are really hard to read because I can't tell if it's like your real name or your first name combined with your last name so i'm not gonna name drop you but you know who you are and i did read it so thank you so much for leaving that review and you guys heard her she's never written a review for a podcast and she did it it's not that hard get your good karma points in and i will love you all forever so thanks so much leave a review on the apple podcast app five stars only because i'm needy and need validation it's leo it's almost leo season okay back to the episode okay guys we are back from our break and we're gonna hop into some more calls hi megan um so i'm 22 years old and i've been in this relationship for a

little over two years and we're very we're both very serious about this relationship we see each with her quite often um but there's this one problem it's that so this is both for both of us it's our first real relationship um and he has this fear that he's missing out on life um in a sense that he's not experiencing as much because we both talk about marriage and um being together forever but he feels that he's not living life to the fullest um because he hasn't really experienced anything with any other girl and it's kind of a reoccurring fear for him in our relationship and he talks to me about it um we're very open to each other so we talk about everything and so he tells me about it um but i don't really know how to respond to it um i don't feel the same

way um this is my first relationship as well but i feel like i'm fine with just being with him in the future um but i also know friends that kind of think like this um they kind of want to have fun and live life a little bit and experience and have like be in multiple relationships before committing and settling down and i understand that completely but i don't know what to do because a half of me understands that you know people want to experience life and be in multiple relationships before settling down for marriage and having kids and being that one with that one person until the rest of their life but also we're both in love and it sucks because we met so early and if we met maybe in our late 20s you probably would have just been in the relationship for like

two or three years got married and settled down and i just think it's really bad timing in a sense though he met at such a young age so i don't know what to do um i don't know what kind of advice to give him because i obviously want to be with him he wants to be with me but i guess it's just not right um so yeah if i can just get your advice on this it'd be great thank you i'm tough it is tough and she also said something where if this I don't know if it was like a different call it's advice that I give where it's if you meet later at like later on in life it might have worked because I'm a huge believer in um it's so much more about you than it is about the person that you're like that you're gonna end up with it's about your what you want in your mindset at that

age and so I think I mean I mean honestly it sounds like what he wants her to say is like you know why don't you go have sex with a couple other people and come back yeah that's kind of what it's like I mean I half kidding half serious that's kind of what it sounds like he's hoping you're gonna say well and there is something to it I don't mean to be that person but there is something to you know um I don't know I keep thinking of like if I would have ended up with the people that I was with when I was younger in hindsight now and how much I've progressed as like a person and like how my my career has changed and you know finding who I found is who's he's the most supportive person I've ever met in my life and I thought I had support before and then

you actually get it and you're like oh yeah that's the real stuff okay good to know um it's difficult because I also understand a little bit of where he's coming from of like you know wanting to experience all these things and and i will say this that's not gonna change marriage isn't gonna change that commitment isn't gonna change that if he feels that way that's something that he's gonna feel probably until he feels like he's done what he needs to do in that realm um it sucks that you don't feel that with that way it really does um you might find out that you do yeah later it might just hit you a little bit later on um i've seen that happen a lot too haven't you yeah i mean i i have very close friends that get married and then years later like shit you know um and that's

not to say that it's not a serious thing it it kind of is just it'll speak to your strength i think like do you think that you're the kind of person that could say okay we're broken up i'm letting you go you go and sew your wild oats and if we come and find each other again which i have seen happen yeah that's what i was gonna say i've seen happen one of my closest friends he did his whole life and literally like at 32 he was like i miss her my 18 year old girlfriend that he had and then like they met up for one weekend they dated for six weeks and they got engaged and now they're married they have two kids it's like a thing he was like i always missed her i've always and it was it was like you know that's so so beautiful um but are you strong enough as a

person to be like i'm okay with you going out into the world sowing your wild oats by no means does that mean that you're going to be sitting there waiting i like yeah there's not like two weeks and then we're back no and it's not also you just sitting there waiting for him to figure it out it's like bitch go do you um but that might have to happen age is tough because it is true like there again do you think about that like i think about if i would have ended up with any of the serious relationships that I would have been with I would everything would have been terrible I everything would have been horrible like if I had ended up with if I think about if I ended with the guy I had my first kiss with first of all I think I would I think he lives on like a

in a on a commune in like like doing something we like just like so beyond crazy has like a beard and hair is all combined he can't even put his hair up very good to me like but I mean he's like I am 100% in love with this. Very hot, but I don't think he's had shoes for years or a job. No, not at all. See, if I would have dated the guy that I had my first kiss with or was my first relationship with, I would be doing motocross every weekend. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I would be like a motocross wife being like, hell yeah. That's who I would be. Just crushing beers on your head. Yeah, crushing beers on my head. My three-year-old would be like fully nude. Yes. You know?

With a mohawk. Yeah, like opening beer bottles with his teeth. like that's a trick jimmy can do yeah and then also i would be definitely be the breadwinner because there's no way he was gonna get a job yeah well and i there there's that fear that i and i also think of when i not even like the people i had the first relationships with but the first time i felt like this could be it yes those people and i think about it i think the okay so the thing that i i don't know i think you can i believe that you can love multiple people and i also believe when i think back to like my 16 year old boyfriend i still refer to him as like

the first guy i ever loved and because i love my boyfriend more now doesn't mean that i didn't love my first boyfriend i loved him as much as i could at 16 but 24 year old me can love so much more yeah and so differently also i feel like there's a there's a you know tuning into yourself like there's a self-actualization that happens a little bit in your youth and in your 20s that you're like oh I I did that I really thought I loved that guy but I didn't know who I was and I didn't know anything like that but it's not again I don't want to like shit on the guy for wanting to go and do that because thank god he's being honest with you and talking to you about doing that and then yeah he could just be in a hole and just being like I'm sowing my wild oats but he's

talking to you about that and there is there is truth in that there is like i don't know i i have so many friends and family that have done the game of like getting married really young or like getting married to the first person they loved or just you know like standing tried and true to that person and then that creeps up on him and there's you know like he's trying to be honest and open with you right now and saying i i feel this way and i really really really think that's something that's impossible to shake do you feel like i wouldn't be able to shake i wouldn't be able to also think you need to ask him like the next time and be like thank you for being so open and honest to me what do you want to do about that yeah like what does that mean for you is it just

that you want to talk about it and get it off your chest because you feel guilty or like how can we fix this feeling that you have in this issue that you have because i think there's also that fear that is hard to recognize but when you think okay the whole phrase if you love something let it go I think there's also that fear of being like okay we like we separate for two years not only your fear of being like well what if like he never comes back there's also that fear of being like wow what if I realize that I don't love him as much as I thought I did that's really it and that's that scary feeling of being like now I can say I can say this and like being like emotionally in it that I know that I really care about this person but what if this whole time I there's

been something else out there and that's a scary it's a scary fear it's also a scary fear like if you're anything like a normal human being and you do get jealous in any way like there is that thing of like he's going to be with other people and that's heartbreaking it is it's like there's no other way to say that like whenever when whenever that happens even if you have an amicable breakup amicable was a way harder word than i should have said at the moment it is i was like that's but even if you've had a good breakup whenever someone is with someone else it's devastating it just is because you're do you think about how they were with that person how they're with you it's just it's rough there's no other way to put it but it takes strength it takes strength to be

like okay that person is living their life I'm going to go live mine and you might be very surprised of what you find you might also be surprised that you're like okay we did love each other and this is real and whatever and he sowed all of his wild oats but it is difficult because again that's it's not something that gets easily fixed no you don't want to live in the state of that feeling yeah and there's no and there really is no if that's going to be something that he's feeling that's going to be something he's feeling for a very long time and there's not much to go around it um but i think megan's right in the sense of ask him what he means by that because that's just him getting it off his chest or if it means that you guys have to be apart then they

might have to be apart and that sucks but also you want to find out now rather yeah if he never comes if he's never going to come back you want to know now rather than another two years down the room yeah also i mean i don't know i'm i think there's things that happen i've seen friends that have been in relationships where like someone else will come along and like you know you're like oh you guys would be perfect together and then they've been in shitty relationships and then it's just been that constant back and forth and i don't know i have friends right now that like years ago i wanted to set them up like years ago i was like god they'd be perfect for each other and now they're together yeah but it took like three really horrible relationships that i was like oh she's

in a relationship and he's like oh man and then i'm like oh he's in a turd sack relationship like i kept being like they're both with horrible people and now they're together and they like love each other it's really cute but that makes them appreciate it more too yes yeah it really does so it's a tough conversation that you're gonna have to have you gotta have because no matter what you're always going to be the first girl that he's been with and until he's with somebody else you'll be the only girl so that fear is just a fact yeah do you know what i mean no it is that he's worried he's only going to be with one person like that's a fact that's a fact if he's never with anybody else yeah yeah and it's again it's all i mean it's difficult because i

think men and women i women don't get enough credit for that kind of stuff i think men are always like seen as the sex guys yeah screw that like i i think i'm sick of my life sick of my life yeah you know it's like all right or just less person of your life that weird intrigue that like joy or whatever all those different things all those things tend to diminish but then other beautiful things do pop up and arise you know but it is like you know i mean i don't know i've been married a year i don't remember the last time that it was like that weird like yeah i mean that being said he's my best friend i love him more than anything in this world but yeah there's that difference of like that but the like aw shucks crush feeling or if like oh my gosh is he gonna

text me back i'm like you better fucking text me back bring home toilet paper we're out we're out And, like, I can call you 10,000 times in a row and not be like, am I being crazy? No, I'm, like, calling and I'm like, pick up your phone, you dip. Yeah, and there's something that's also so sweet and, like, exciting about that. Yes. That feeling of being, like, I can text you 10,000 times in a row. Of your togetherness. And, yeah.

And, like, you know, you save shows for them. Exactly. And he's your partner and he's your best friend. It's just, like, that weird thing of just, like, I miss him. I miss him now. All of those stages are good. All of those stages are beautiful. But there is something to that weird thing of like all that aw shucks, weird crush of

like he, he, he, like that goes. Other he, he, he's come through and you're like, he, he, he, we got to start a saving. Tee hee hee, 401k, 401k, we should have invested in our future. I love it. And we are on to the next call. Hi, Megan and Mo. um I'm 18 years old and right now I'm in like the summer before I go to college so I'm just like enjoying my time hanging out with friends and all that kind of stuff and for like a little bit

background with me I've never had any like besides like make out I've never had any like real experience with boys or anything like that so this summer I decided to just have a summer of activities and just hoe out and just be like how I want to be before I get into college and like all the everything like when life actually hits you and then all those like serious things and specifically like with my friends I feel like whenever I tell them anything or what's going on because once you like I realize once you're actually open with guys they just flood in I feel like I'm getting judged a little bit considering whenever they were going through their own like things and they were like you know finding themselves even though we are pretty young

I didn't judge them I let them experience what they wanted to do and how they wanted to you know go on with their lives and like their sexual endeavors so my question is like how am I supposed to, like, come off without being a quote-unquote toe because I used to have that same idea that, oh, if I'm, like, going out and doing these things, even if it's just with one person, I'm not mature enough to, like, you know, want to be in a relationship or something like that. But now that I'm a little bit older and a little bit mature, I feel like anything is learning experience and as long as you and the other person are consensual and you're like you

know where you stand that it's not that there's nothing wrong with that like there's really no such thing as a hoe in my opinion and so I just like because I feel like I'm just speaking to a brick wall whenever I say these things and like my friends can be understanding but it's like I'm more understanding towards them and I'm more helpful towards them than they are towards me so yeah like how do i go about that situation of saying how i feel without coming off as like i just want to be a hoe i love it did you say summer of fuck fucktivities i thought it was sextivities and i was like no i think it's fucktivities both of them it sounds like fucktivities it just sounds like fucktivities fucktivities fucktivities fucktivities um i think

well i mean like i just want to be a hoe is also probably going to be my new anthem yeah my I mean it's it's it's a fun game to play um one I'm gonna say this once be safe yes I'm gonna say twice be safe HPV is real it is very serious and beyond that there's a gonorrhea resurgence there is oh I mean I mean it's real though like this is some real stuff and I've had people in my life whose lives have been ruined by stuff because of their activities yes um so just be safe activities of birth control condom birth control but more importantly condom is always a really good thing unless you guys go together my third date is usually to a place to get tested um but it's one of those things um so it's it's a very important thing um be safe

be safe be safe be safe be safe and then also have a lot of sex if you yeah if you want to also my here's my thing that i will say for this are you doing it for you or are you doing it for the need to talk to your friends about it because that the second if that is the issue then that is an issue in my opinion if you're doing it for you if you're doing it to figure out who you are which is a very that this is a learning experience it is a real thing college will hit um the same things will arise in college of like boys and cuteness and like parties and everything etc they'll happen there too so if you were like worried that life was going to take over don't worry they're still there college is not life they're college is not life college is not life

but they're still going to be there there's going to be plenty of more activities for you to do um if not more yeah if not more will present themselves so the question is is like do you want to do this so you can talk to your friends about it so it can be like a bragging right so if there's something that you feel like you need to grow up about it then that's a thing um or if you want to just do this for you then do it for you and you might not get to talk to your friends about it because they have judgments about it like yeah it's it's a hard thing people don't tend to know things until they have um personal experience with it that's the it's like you know it's just a thing like they don't understand until they either live it and some people never live it

so they never really understand um there's a very minute group of people that can like see something that they haven't experienced and be like i understand i understand that you do you live your life like no judgments here it's such a very small pool very small pool they're all at burning man yeah um but it's you know that's that's a difficult thing so if you're trying to do this to like be able to have these conversations you might not get to especially at the age that you're at with the you've you've just said that you came off of feeling that way for a long time too how they feel so this might be conversations that you don't get to have with those friends there might be other friends that you do get to have that conversation with that

are open and have experience with that um but if you are doing this just for like your own growth and your own development and like figuring out who you are in that um be safe but also like i'm just gonna keep saying it and be safe don't forget but also don't forget but also then it might just be for you it might be you learning these things and like bitch write a diary because sex in the city sex in the city because it was a huge show but also because you learn a lot from it yeah you go like oh i hated that or like oh that is when i figured that out yeah of like who i am and what i want and etc etc that's my opinion i'm very much in the same boat with that i think as much as i wish that like uh there wasn't kind of that same i think with like guys a lot of guys

will talk about hooking up with lots of different girls with guys and but they're not gonna really talk about it with other girls like with girls because like that looks bad but girls don't even really a lot of the time talk about it with other girls no it's a lot of like self-judgment within the female community there is a huge there is a huge stigma like yeah so just note that you're i think and this is my again personal experience you're never going to change people's idea about the stigma that's my honest opinion like it's not until they go through something in their lives or they do that the stigma won't change you can try you can try slowly but surely trying to be like this isn't this this is a dichotomy this is societal norms that are placed upon it the women

are viewed as objects and that's a difficult part of it like all these things that you can try and say but i really think it's difficult to change people's opinions about that and change people's idea about the stigma you change your idea about the stigma that's how you move it forward and then you keep pushing that forward and whoever's in your life you change that but you know it's a difficult stigma to try and get past and i don't i think it's not worth it i exactly i think if you want to have a fun summer of like fuck festivities you need to like your friends aren't a part of that and i think like there is that thing like oh i don't want to hide stuff from my friends and like you don't have to hide things from your friends but you don't it's not brunch in sex

in the city where you sit down you're like it's you want to hear about this guy i just hooked up last week like with last night it needs to be like you're saying that you want to be selfish and do this for you you have to do it for you and if your friends want to ask you about it and you can tell them whatever you feel comfortable telling them but at the same time i also think i don't think there's i am all for female empowerment i also don't think there's anything very nice about like running your mouth about like your sex like all these people that you've slept with without what I'm saying without their permission or whatever but like I rarely will like I will so much more likely talk about like people I've hooked up with or whatever that aren't like that

I'm not in a serious relationship with or whatever but I just don't think I think if you're doing this for you this needs to be about you and not about the about the guys yeah about talking gossiping about the guys and not about telling your friends about it there's a way to answer your friends questions and and not hide things from them but like still I don't know like my like I every a lot of people I know have gone through this but it wasn't like something where we all everyone knew at the same time yeah yeah yeah do you know what I mean like no definitely it's not like that I don't want to say you're putting too much of a stress on this being a big deal but if this is what you want to do for your life just do it like it doesn't need to be a big deal

there are so many people like if you meet anyone and they're like 20 singles like they're sleeping around almost everyone goes through a ho phase yeah like yeah and you don't have to like make this a big deal because i think then there there's a little bit of like self-shame there too like should i feel bad that's a that's a really big one too is like again if you're doing this for you do it for you you know do it for whatever um some of the questions that your friends are having might honestly be them trying to learn things about things like and and i think that you can have that honest conversation of like look i'm going to talk to you about it but one i don't want you to judge me for it if i'm going to be honest with you i don't want you to judge me for

it if you're going to judge me for it then i guess we just can't have the conversation like that's a very healthy boundary to set with your friends about it and just say like i'm going to feel judged by you if you are going to say anything nasty about what i'm doing with my life because i'm living my life how i want to live it um and not hurting anyone in the process exactly um because you're being safe that's what you're doing because you're being safe but you're not hurting anyone in the process so if you're going to judge me about it then i guess i can't have an honest conversation if you want me to have an honest conversation great i will so you know because i do think there's a lot of i don't know about you but i did a lot of learning through

friendship like through friends experiences i did a lot of learning through that of like oh okay that's something i don't want to do or like or something you're judgmental about and then two years later you're like i did this there's so many things in my mind that i like think about that i was like oh yeah i would have been like oh my god and then i'm like that's not exactly live your life we're all just trying to get by yeah um but it really is like if you're doing it for the real canadian superstore has everything you need this back to school season save on lunchbox savers like ziggy's sliced deli meat products for always 375 and get Life Brand Pure Vita Shampoo or Conditioner for $8 each

at Real Canadian Superstore. When you're ready, we're ready with a whole world and more. Conversations with your friends. You will find also there's a certain subset. I work with boys. I work with three of the Valley folk. I work with nothing but men. So I am consistently used to talking in that vernacular,

in that TMI world of very open, too open and honest. And then sometimes I go around other people and i start having conversations and everyone's like and i'm like oh so oh okay so you guys don't talk about what which tattoo you would get on your genitalia for a million dollars cool good to know let her know this is our boundary got it but it's it's a thing you'll find a group of people that like if you want honest conversations about it you're gonna find honest conversations about it it might not be with the french group that you have right now but that's for you guys to talk college friends yeah that's like there's and there's a huge difference between hometown uh

the people who've known you since you were like seven years old it's like the same way when people think about like there are cute guys that i grew up with that i could never see like that i'm like no it's because i knew them when they had like headgear and like neon green braces yeah and there's something to be said about like you pushed me off the swing set brian and also you've made these previous statements that people are like oh my god are you going back on your word like college is a time where you can your views that you have now at 18 years old those are how people meet you they don't have any of the who you were before and anything like that so I think you can also reserve those talks for college that's a lot of college I mean also you're gonna learn a lot

about yourself and I will say this too you might learn some things that you don't like you might learn a lot of things like I've learned things that I don't like about myself of like what did that require in me like why did I need that attention so bad what was that satiating in but having you like i've had those real conversations especially in the sexual realm of like you know what what was i doing that for who was i trying to please like what was i trying to get out of that and like really be honest with yourself about that too like don't just like that you can say you want to live your hotivities and all that but like be honest with yourself about like what what is it for what's the reason is it to find yourself is it to grow is it to

learn everything about yourself is it to just have the summer of george or is it to like or is there another need that you're satiating like be honest with yourself because you might learn some shit that you don't want to necessarily address but it's real yeah it's real shit so by all means do it because you can't learn without experience exactly but i do think that there's things yeah and we've all done it we've all had that summer had that summer or a couple years we've been there just want to be a hoe just want to be a hoe what do you want to be when you grow okay guys it's time for producers corner and this is where we either have somebody uh who listened to our episode and has some either critiques on our advice or some additional

advice that we might not have covered from a previous call um or we have someone who has previously called in updating us on their i love a good life update i really do all right so this is someone that's calling in to share their own advice this is from the episode with tyler chase about the girl who had wrote a poem that was published in a literary magazine about her emotionally abused father and i picked this one because i know when we did that one you were waiting for until after your movie came out to see how things were gonna that is very true fold because you had a similar situation in my movie yeah so i'm in a similar situation where i've been emotionally abused all through my childhood by my dad

and it left me with a lot of like mental health issues like ocd and depression and panic attacks and I paint and I draw and I'm creative like this woman and I used it all the time to feel better and to make myself feel better and to express myself in ways that I couldn't just talk to someone about and that's obviously what she's done and she's obviously really really good because she's getting published and that's a massive thing but she doesn't need to worry is what i wanted to say is that they hurt you and they didn't consider you and so you have every right to help yourself make yourself feel good like you have every right to heal they hurt you and you have to heal and you don't have to think

about them if it hurts them that's it and if it doesn't hurt them that's great but you have to think of you but you're you first because she obviously has this amazing talent and she should be proud of herself for this talent and she should feel like she can put it forward without even thinking of anyone else because they didn't think of her so yeah I just wanted to say that she shouldn't worry and she should be proud and happy and if he reacts badly screw it because you dealt with it all through everything and you're still dealing with it obviously and you always do you still deal with it forever but she should be proud oh my god she has a beautiful voice so beautiful it's like emma watson i like yes i'm like she's

that massive i was like i love it it's just like she's now i'm realizing i should i should have been in an accent this entire thing everything sounds so much like yes just do you like yeah and it's all right it's fine it's live you're going to be fine um that was really beautiful i think that's really beautiful um i hate that she's gone through emotional abuse i love that she's uh channeled it through art uh I don't uh Groucho Marx has a really good quote uh at least I'm pretty positive it's Groucho Marx but it's uh blessed are the cracked for they let the light in and I love that quote so much because it's very much like I don't know a single person that hasn't been through some amount of something and used it to further their whether or not it's comedy I have

a lot of comedy friends and um literally one night we were all like has everyone in this room been abused in some way great okay like all of us raise our hands we're so funny okay great all right yeah tragedy tragedy tragedy great yeah but it's you use it you harness it i don't i mean rarely are there the people that are like lived a pretty easy life my gosh life yeah had a great also that never lasts yeah no like no no no you're just gonna like shit's gonna hit the fan like that means that your wave is getting bigger and bigger and bigger it's a tidal fucking way because when it hits it's gonna hit but i think that's really beautiful and she's very much right of like you know however that person feels in your life it's like screw it that's what it is

you're channeling it how you should be channeling it you can't hold it in and you got to get through it somehow in that way yeah and I think nothing is is it like coming from just coming off of this I would say like nothing as much as you stress and worry about it you unless you live with I don't know like there's like you can decline phone calls if someone's calling you to get upset about you with something like there's something so fucking great about being on your own and the original caller was talking about how she's like living on her own she's not dependent on financially or emotionally for these people and so it that there is something that is so nice about the fact that you have control over what you let into your life as an adult and you can just put those things out

in the universe and you don't owe anybody anything you don't owe anybody an apology or a warning or i have a friend who's a musician who she she's still to this day is like the sweetest person and also very worried about it she will tell people all the time being like i just like feel like i should like let them know in advance that there's this song i'm like sweetie nobody's going to know that it's about them because all these terrible people that you're writing about think of themselves so highly yeah they are not the picture that you painted that you're like no and also i do think there's a thing of like you know that's that's a truth that you have to live in if you're that person like that's the truth that you have to be aware of and i've also seen people heal

i've seen relationships heal through that where it's like i you know i've seen people that have gone through things in their lives and they've talked about it very openly and done like everyone that did a moth monologue about it and then her mother and her relationship healed because of it you know it's like things like that that not to say that that is a thing but results can come through it and i think sometimes it is necessary for that person to learn about themselves in whatever way yeah is is the way and you're right like you can decline a phone call you can you can absolutely and that's not running away or hiding no it's not it's not even like denying them as a person it's a tough thing because especially with those people that are supposed to be your

foundation people you know like family is a is a real one that is supposed to be your foundation and so when they wrong you in some way or when they don't do what they're supposed to do then it's the hurt is so much greater i think the hurt is so much deeper and so you have every right to self-preserve and and not feel like you have to have that familial attachment and it's difficult because those tend to be the hardest times and it's okay to go against the grain with that because there is this idea of like no matter what family like family always is there but like i think sometimes you're like nah man it's not and like ultimately your own mental health and your own well-being is so much more important than like society's idea of a family and especially if

you've been in a situation where you haven't had what if you don't have the cookie cutter family you don't have to abide by those cookie cutter family rules whoever is that person in your life who is like unwavering like unconditional love those are those are your family it's not the people who like fucked and had you yeah like that doesn't that's they're not so true that relationship of like guiding and mentorship and like unconditional love it's not it's sometimes it is the people who brought you into this world but sometimes it's not and that that tie and attachment we have to those two things i think is the biggest issue because i'm sure for the call the original caller so much of that fear it comes from like what everybody else thinks of when

they think of family well and there's guilt and there's shame attached to it there's shame attached to like that person not being what they are supposed to be in their life and there's shame attached to like you feeling like you're not being what you are in their life and it's like well no those yeah we didn't do this for each other no yeah we didn't and it is such a my mother came from an abusive mother and so much of it i mean she you know she's in her 60s now and she still has those issues of like you know feeling certain ways about it and being resentful about it and like she still talks about how she has to get through that constantly but it's the truth it's like that that being said her entire healing was having kids and being the best freaking mother on

the face of the planet like there you'll find your way to heal you'll find your way to get through it and if it is through those different artistic endeavors if it is through finding that person in your life that you're like oh my god this this is my this is who i'm attached to now like this is my everything then that's that's how it is you know oh it's beautiful it was so beautiful thank you so much for that beautiful accent i just love it so much so much i love it i can't even do that kind of a posh i was in all over harry potter like harry i'm sure she literally has to do that all i mean she probably doesn't have to because like she probably lives in the uk with all the people who speak like that she hates that all americans are like oh my reporter

beautiful oh so lovely i love it well thank you so much for being on the pod i had a great time you're great thank you i just want to again say that um i don't stand by any of it and you do don't worry it's in the title the title says don't blame me they can't they can't hate us that's my do not blame me but also take all of my advice i don't know what um to really stick strong except for be safe sexually yeah be safe sex you say sexually um you do you you aren't anyone's person but yourself and if you're young know that life will move on and save money save money yeah 24 to 35 who knew well now i know thank god it was an npr thing it was bad it was settling in my brain and i was like well i've messed it all up it's over goodbye puppy farm

here i come oh i love it i know so where can people find you you can find on the internet you don't have to say in real life youtube.com slash the valley folk uh that's me and my three other men that we have a comedy beautiful journey we just released our pilot today which is going to be a great time i'm so excited about it congratulations thank you thank you uh yeah twitter instagram the valley folk lee newton that's it amazing all those places great great you guys can check out uh melissa and i socials are in the down bar or the description for the youtube i guess no the description for whatever fucking itunes podcast it's in the show the show notes and then the if you're watching on youtube it's in the description i still call it the down

bar do you really yeah it was on me was anyone ever called the down bar no you're you're old school youtube oh yeah i just licked the mic oh no wow they're in a relationship now oh yeah that's it that's your host story right there that's my host story i wish that was my only host story i licked a mic yeah no well i hope you guys enjoyed this episode and if you guys want to be a part of another episode you can let us know what you need advice on in your life by leaving a voicemail at 310-694-0976 so proud of you and again emailing via audio file to meganpodcast at gmail.com if you are an international listener with a beautiful accent beautiful accent beautiful accent trans aggressive beautiful i couldn't think of transatlantic

transatlantic like megan markle yes oh my god that was so real right she was like no and you're like megan megan blasphemy yeah i mean i don't blame her i would do it too it's way pretty yeah what are you nuts yeah she's a princess now assimilate whatever she wants it's not a british accent it's a princess she's a princess she's gorgeous genovia okay guys uh we're done transgressed transgressed that's the word okay guys we'll see you next week goodbye don't blame me is a production by me produced directed and edited by melissa demont post production sound by chris henry production assistant julie carley and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter i'll see you guys next week and don't blame me if your life you know

completely fucks up before then