Don't Blame Me! - S2E16: Guest: Allison Raskin - Slept With Best Friend's Brother?!

Episode Date: August 24, 2018

The insightful Allison Raskin joins me today! We’re sharing our advice on dealing with emotionally abusive boyfriends, dating your best friend’s brother, and supporting your boyfriend through erectile dysfunction. We also have an update from a previous caller that wanted to get serious with her fuck buddy.National Domestic Violence Hotline:Phone: [phone]Website: www.thehotline.orgGossip Podcast: www.gossippodcast.comFollow Us On Twitter:@meghanrienks@allisonraskin@sheisnotmelissaNeed Advice?www.dontblameme.showDomestic Listeners Call: [phone]International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]… with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING.- Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:http://youtube.com/meghanrienksSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

on today's episode of don't blame me we have the fantastic alice raskin and we talk about a guy who's potentially suffering from erectile dysfunction swing or not so swing and we also talk about a girl who's got a crush on her best friend's brother which allegedly is the plot of the kissing booth keep watching this episode of don't blame me is brought to you by care of a monthly subscription vitamin service made from effective quality ingredients personally tailored to your exact needs for 25 off your first month of personalized care of vitamins visit take care of.com and enter promo code blame hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today we have two

special guests we have alice and raskin and no offense not more importantly than you but i mean you brought your dog yes i brought sugar as i do everywhere that is you're living my dream it's a lot yeah it's becoming a problem where i can't go places without her well like she's fine but i'm not well so that's how i just don't go places that's my thing it's like that's why i need a dog is because like i think i would go places um not really no i just kind of go outside sometimes but i could do that like i don't like to go outside i can't go anywhere without people and so i feel like if i had a dog i would go places what do you mean you can't go anywhere without people like i make my friends go with me to the pharmacy oh that's a problem

yeah I don't like talking to people um uh unless I'm having like a really good day and then which I'm like get everything done all at once yeah don't you find it exhausting to always be with other people though um no I like being around people that I don't have to like like I like just like physically being around someone right I don't like I like the kind of friends where like we can sit and not talk but there's just another human there yes that's like human presence so That's why I feel like a dog would also, like, really just be great for me. No, it's really good because I get to, like, just talk to her all day about how she's a dog. And if she's been a dog all day, you know, just kind of, like, checking in about that.

Oh, that's all I want. Well, guys, we're recording this for YouTube, so you, too, can see how fucking adorable Sugar is. Also, how often do you sing Sugar We're Going Down to her? I sing Sugar, Sugar more. Okay. Yeah. Well, we also have Melissa Cam, LaDuh. Hello.

her multiple i mean you can see one of the computer screens in that frame but know that there's three behind her because she's a working woman and a laptop oh true and a laptop this is true she's surrounded by technology and a printer which you can't see and who really cares if you are new here and you haven't listened before basically what happens is people leave voicemails and then we uh give them the advice that they probably need to hear and maybe it's good maybe it's bad maybe maybe i mean it's questionable it's questionable it's questionable sometimes um but uh the phone number for that is 310-694-0976 and then if you're an international listener a listen international listener you can email i feel i feel like you just came at me with

that why because i have a famous international question song you do and you kind of right yeah and you kind of just like rip me off a little bit wait do you know i probably have like subconsciously done that yeah no i genuinely probably oh that's international question international question yeah so we just so we should record you doing it and then we can play it so then i'm no longer stealing no honestly it's already recorded just say it's an homage and i'll take it every time i do it yeah should i need like a trademark just today okay everybody know that i have been subconsciously stealing that from allison for all this time it makes so much sense though because i'm like that tune was so yeah i noticed it before too but i didn't

because i'm a huge thanks for not saying anything yeah i didn't say because i'm a huge fan do you know the reason why we met was because i was so obsessed that i like literally was like can i please be in a video like i was an audition no no no i that you're rewriting history i met you at an audition and told you i was a fan yeah but that's where we met exactly where we met but we like no matter what the meeting still occurred because I fangirled over you and then was like would you like to be friends and I was like yes I have very few friends and I was like cool me too we have that in common I know that because I watch your videos okay I'm gonna stop being creepy everybody and um yeah basically we're gonna give some advice and I feel like you'll be great at

this uh I've done it for years and I have to say I'm not getting better at it but I mean do we ever get better i think so that's my advice i like it good one to start off on let's play the first question hi megan i am 22 years old and i have been with this really amazing guy for a couple months now. Um, I, he, he's great. He's great in every sense. He is so kind, so sweet, so funny, so smart, just smoking hot. Like, oh my God, Megan, this man was sculpted by God. However, he struggles with ED, and though that's not a problem for me, I really don't care that much, and it hasn't really, like, out of all the times that we've had sex, it's only been an issue, like, two or three times.

And mind you, we've been together for months at this point, so we've had sex more than that, significantly more than that. But it's become an issue because now he doesn't want to have sex at all because he's insecure about it. And I feel bad even asking for sex now because he's insecure about it. And I don't want to make him feel shittier by bringing up the fact that I am sexually frustrated because we're not having sex. I am masturbating. That is a thing that I am doing to try and self-soothe. But just like a guy getting a handjob instead of a blowjob, like he wants, it's satisfying to a point.

It doesn't satisfy my intimacy. It doesn't satisfy, you know, the orgasm that I want to have. You know, that closeness that comes with sex that you can't get through masturbating. And so that's my issue. That's my question. What do I do? what I don't want to make him feel worse um I'm I'm very high sex drive and it's come to the point where now I'm waiting for him to fall asleep so I can masturbate and it's still not quenching my

thirst if you follow so puff and stir out what do I do he's an amazing guy and I don't want to leave just because we, like, you know what I mean? That seems cruel and wrong. But I grow a new dick every now and again. Okay. Thank you. Please help. I feel like she should be your co-host on this podcast.

I mean, right? I mean, first of all, she's so horny. She's masturbating next to him at night. Well, here's the thing. I have a lot of thoughts on this. Yes, go. Do you go first? I don't know.

No, it just depends. It depends if, like, someone, like, doesn't, if they're like oh a penis i don't know and then i'll be like let me take it i can take that dick i can take that dick but no no please take it cool cool cool um right so i fucking hate when someone won't deal with their issues and then it affects you yeah like that's not fair like a relationship is a two-way street and like if a person has a problem that's affecting the couple then that person has to address it yeah it's like and literally especially like a medical one like but like even even like to the point of like that he like has shut down and like she feels like she

can't talk to him about it like that's not true and that's not valid like they have to talk about it yeah no it's something that affects both of them and it's also something that obviously like a case-by-case thing i'm assuming not a penis doctor but like it's something i mean how many fucking commercials have we seen like one in four men struggle with erectile dysfunction like first of all i'm sorry we have to deal with like we have to pay all this money for tampons and like all the like birth control like regulated and like all that shit but like you can get i'm anyone can get fucking viagra i'm sure like that is totally curable it's so curable and also because the medical world loves men pretty easy for him yeah potentially it also sounds like it's not

there's maybe more going on there because it doesn't sound like it's every time i think i i don't know if like he is i mean who knows if he's no longer interested in the relationships actually or if he is going through some sort of thing where he's feeling very insecure as a person and therefore like can't feel like desire and desire desired but like she has to talk to him about it but i would also say that like she can let him know what she's up to when he goes to sleep you know like like a male ejaculation is not the only goal of intimacy yeah like i think like i mean if this is i'm with you and that was kind of my question with her it's like not that i'm saying it's like a line that he's giving her that like maybe it's not but if this

is recent i don't know is he pulling away and everything else like is he saying that he doesn't want to have sex anymore and is he also like not really talking to you as much as like is he kind of just pulling away and everything and is that because he's like dealing with something that he's feeling really insecure about or is it because he's just trying to get you to break up with him so he doesn't have to break up with you they love that oh they love my god they love that they're like this is so smart and no one's ever done this before and she won't be able to meanwhile he's wanking in the shower yeah yeah i mean so it's kind of like that and i also wonder again like no offense to her but there's i i totally understand like the sexual pride thing

and i also think it's quite something quite similar with um women who have infertility issues is like so many times women will take a really long time before they go to a specialist because like there is this stigma of stigma is the right word right um of i used like i'm like astigmatism no contact lens um of women's place there's quotations for those podcast listeners because i don't agree with it's like that they're like their sole purpose is to like reproduce and if you can't do that you feel like an inadequate in your gender like or in your whatever in like being a technically like a cisgendered woman and so that to me it's like the same kind of thing with guys that maybe this is like he feels really insecure about this because like as a man

he thinks that he's like this is supposed to be something that's like easy for him but then also if he sees a longevity in your relationship this isn't a lasting thing like this isn't like a it's not like you started a relationship and he was like hey for the record like i'm not maybe he also has a much lower sex drive paired with like an issue with that that's not something you didn't sign up for that like and so I think that there's you got to bring that up with with him and also is because I just I feel bad because this kind of sucks but like is he going down on you like if he's not worried about your sexual pleasure to me that sounds like a guy who just is not super interested not that he's not interested in sex with you because he should also still want to pleasure you

that has nothing to do with penetration and like but i do think for guys like if they're not i i can see i can see both sides like i can see like there's a version where like he truly is like just going through some stuff and it's very insecure about this and therefore like can't bring himself to i mean i also honestly also sounds like she is not talking to him about this yeah i totally get that she's very young this is very uncomfortable but like there should not be anything of magnitude in your relationship that you feel like you cannot address there are really uncomfortable subjects and it doesn't mean that every single day you have to sit down and have like an hour-long conversation about them but you should be able to talk to your partner about

things and so I think that like I really can't give more advice until she has that conversation yeah and like what and what his reaction to that is because if it's him shutting down and being like no i'm not having sex like sorry like go find someone else then like regardless of what's going on with him the relationship isn't working yeah but if he's like okay you know if he's willing to talk about it if he's willing to be like well right for right now like i'm not that into stuff but i'm like there to be there for you and like why don't we use like a vibrator together and we're not focused on me and we're focused on you and like that sort of thing um but it's hard to judge without without knowing what he says when she brings it up well that's what i wonder like

i don't is erectile dysfunction a like a notion that you you've attached on and like a diagnosis or has he said that right has he actually gone to the doctor yeah been diagnosed and has he told you or have you just noticed that like you've come on to him and he's not getting hard because also there too if he's like dealing with other stuff like we've said this so many times like medications can completely affect not only your sexual performance but like your like yeah your sex drive and like how much you want to have sex and like being attracted and like doesn't mean you just necessarily like the person any less or you're less attracted to them you're just less into that right now and so i think it's something though that you you have to have a conversation

with him because and i'd say that even more important to like your relationship it's not whether or not he actually has ed it's it's whether or not he's an open communicator yeah you know like ed is something that you can like work on and fix and go to a doctor for but if this is someone who like will not talk to you about things that are important then that's a bigger issue in your relationship yeah no totally and even if he's got a body sculpted by god like there there are more important things but it's also like it must feel terrible to feel rejected constantly i've been in relationships where i felt like that and it's like it's awful and you think something's wrong with you and you think like even though they're saying oh it's me you you can't take that on and you

think well it's probably me too a little bit you know um and so i think that like the next step is like actually talking to him about it even though it's uncomfortable yeah and like it's okay sometimes to make someone feel bad before you break through something no totally and i think you have to feel awkward and uncomfortable to get to like the good stuff like that's like i think the best relationships like you get closer after you deal with stuff and you figure that stuff out together because it also shows how much your incentive in like a longevity of a relationship and not running away from the problems. Because like, exactly like you said,

like how he reacts to that, I think will speak volumes of his character. And if you want to have kids with this guy, there'll be much more difficult conversations down the road. Yeah, she's 22. Let's see what happens. I'm like, no one make a decision until you're 30. About everything.

I'm a firm believer in that. I'm like, I don't want to do anything until I'm 30. I've got one more year of doing nothing. Oh my God, I'm so excited for you. Thank you so much. Well, I hope we helped. hopefully maybe i don't know um talk to him yeah talk to him and then call us back and let us know maybe we can give more advice yeah i think if we've got more info and if you get more info too

so congrats on the rockin bod yeah and good job with the masturbating i think that's great also i would maybe not masturbate next to him when he's asleep maybe she likes looking at his bod well she's masturbating oh wow okay sure but like consensually does he know that she's just like okay sure i just also cannot imagine if i would to be gross if i like woke up and like they're like motswas like jacking off as i'm like asleep staring at me i'd be like the fuck are you doing that's like so weird but i mean well all the power to you okay on to the next call I am 19. I guess I just wanted to ask you about body insecurity and how you deal with it over the years.

Because when I was, like, in middle school, I was super, super insecure about my body. And then I got over it a little while in high school. and now I'm in college and I'm finding that I'm insecure about different things that I because my body's changing and that's natural but I just was wondering if you could maybe talk about dealing with it over time and how if your body doesn't stay the same how you can still be constant and learn to be confident again even though your body's different um yeah i would love to hear about gaining weight losing weight um just changes over time cellulite things like that that just appear over time yeah if you could talk about that it would be greatly helpful fuck i really

have no advice for this i have no so much oh my god thank god this is all i think about i have no idea I've never I don't think I've ever been confident in my body ever like at any point and I think before you hop into it I think like what I uh I've so I focused on like from the time I was really young I was like always not all I was like the top I was just you know like some little kids are like little and tiny and like small and cute I was like five five in fifth grade size 10 feet and like not i was like a stop i was like a big kid but i wasn't like tall and like lean i was like a stocky kid like i was always looked at least like a couple years older so ever since i was a little kid i also had like a grandma who used to like tell me i wasn't allowed to wear

bikinis because i looked fat and i was like literally seven so i think like i've i've i from a really early age was like this sounds so dark or whatever but i'm being honest like not like gave up on like being confident in my body but then i was like i'm gonna fucking focus on my personality like I'm gonna focus on like liking things about me that weren't so that weren't appearance driven because like I had transition lenses like I had like like there were so many things that like I just kind of was like fuck it sort of I focused so much more on like liking my personality and thinking that I was funny um and that's kind of I mean I also just I feel like everybody I mean you do you tell me because you maybe you can help me not be insecure

yeah it's also just so crazy to hear you say that because I walked in here and I was like fuck I forgot how beautiful she is like I was prepared for your beauty but then it was still overwhelming um yeah I mean I look like your relationship with your body is like going to grow and mature hopefully as you grow and mature um I when I I my weight has changed a lot based on being on meds sort of as we already talked about and so when I was like 8 to 12 I was on um Paxil uh you know because I was like such a cool kid and that made me gain a lot of weight but that was sort of like these informative years so I was like oh I'm I'm a fat person like I'm a I'm a chubby person and then I got off the meds and I like lost all the weight and like I was

like very thin but I like because of those formative years I was like well I'm a fat I'm a fat person you know I'm always whatever then I went back on in college and I like gained some weight or like lost the weight and like i spent my entire like 21 to like how how old am i you're 29 thank you you're welcome to like almost 28 being very thin and not knowing that i was thin and feeling very insecure about my body and like like i look back at at videos of me and i'm like oh my god how did i not think i was just the thinnest person in the world because then i went back on meds like a year a little less than a year and a half ago and I gained 20 pounds so I'm in that phase of like my body has like completely changed and like how do I feel okay with that

and it's been this really interesting journey where like honestly feeling confident looking like this has been like so much more empowering than like feeling like than if I'd felt confident when I was a size zero yeah because I'm like my body works my body like is healthy I'm like work out. I'm strong. Like, and, and just this element of like, of, of like that confidence is so much more attractive than like anything else. Oh yeah. Well, I completely agree with you in the sense of like, I think no matter what you look like, I mean, everyone's probably seen the Instagram account celeb face where Victoria's secret models literally edit the most ridiculous parts of their body. And I'm like, Oh cool. You can look like a Victoria's secret model and a Victoria's secret

model still can find some imperfection that nobody else would see except for them that they need to edit in a picture which is weirdly been my friend and I started following it and both of us said like it's weirdly been comforting in the sense of being like oh wow no like everybody there are things that everybody's going to be insecure about but I think like the thing that I ever no matter what anytime I look at like a picture of me from like before or any like from not like months ago or weeks ago or whatever I'm always looking at like what I used to look like thinking that I never will enjoy what I currently look like. And you will always, and I always look back to like what I looked like before or like anything, like any time period. It's so much about like what

you tell yourself in your head. So if you do negative self-talk, then like, of course you're going to feel bad. And I had a, so when I gained the weight, it took me a little while to realize that I gained so much weight because I had a little bit of body dysmorphia. So I always thought I was a little heavy so like when I actually gained the weight it was like kind of how I thought I had always looked but it wasn't and um and so then it kind of caught up with me and then there was like so many so many comments online about my weight gain and like if I'm pregnant and all of that and and like that was okay like that's what happens when you're online but then also my parents were like very vocal about the fact that I gained a lot of weight and that like

I needed to lose this weight. And so I like, I, I ended up switching my medication. And so it's a journey, but I'm in the process of like losing some of it. But like, um, there was like a time period where I went back to that voice in my head where I was like, you are disgusting. You are so ugly. You are so fat. You look terrible. Like, I can't believe that you're like going outside. And I, and I, even though I was saying that to myself, I was like, oh my God, like, I haven't talked to myself like that in years. Like, and it was like, so sad to me that like that voice was back. And so I kind of was like, fuck you. Like, I don't want to think that I don't want that to be my point of view. And like, and, and so I kind of just like, I was like,

listen, okay, I have gained an unhealthy amount of weight for my height. I will work on losing that weight, but also I'm not going to fucking talk to myself like that anymore. And instead, I'm like I have nice hair or like I still got my five out of five wiki feet you know like you like focus on like what you like about yourself and also that like your body is working like I'm like so lucky to to have good health and to like be mobile and to like be able to get in a pool and like swim laps like who cares if my like if I have a stomach like I can I can do a lot of laps and that's awesome and like finding that like thanking your body for like being like the thing that gets you from point a to point b is like i think a way into to liking it again and a way into like

feeling confident in it and like and like instead of tearing it down like being thankful for it um but it was interesting like i went through a breakup and then i had to start dating again like heavier than i've ever been and i was like well here we go you know and like but my gabby my comedy partner was has always said like so what like you're not gonna shave your legs and they're not gonna sleep with you you know like people will probably still be interested in you like regardless I've got a workout instructor at the end of like every class is being like you guys did a great job in class but like more importantly than this like uh like more importantly how you did and if you get better by week just know that there are you are amongst a group of

people that not only can afford to go to a gym and take a class that has the time to take a class but also is able to physically do things you might not not have done every single rep but you are able to do that and that is something that some people could never do like something that like you're physically able to even try and do that whether it's like financially or physically able to go and participate and do that stuff i think also what i've done when it comes to like looking back at pictures and stuff is if i ever get in the sense of like looking back my god i was like i looked so good then or i liked what i looked like then more than i look now i then think back about like, okay, well, how did I feel when this picture was taken? Like, okay, cool. This is

me in college. I was so depressed. I had no friends and I was so skinny because I had such bad anxiety that I couldn't go downstairs to eat dinner. So I'm like, cool. So do I, would I rather trade that feeling for looking like that? Like, fuck no. And also the other thing that I've, so when I started working out about a year ago, um, and like really, really going for it. And it's been a weird scene online, really cool stuff. My God, it's just all I do, but it's been, it's been crazy and weird cause I grew up dancing. So I didn't, but I didn't grow up doing like a lot of like strength, anything. I've got really bad joints. And so I had never, wasn't really able to do, uh, like, I don't know, like weight training or anything. And so I've learned how to do that kind of stuff

with, uh, bad joints. And my body has transformed in a way that I didn't really expect of being like, Oh, my thighs get bigger because there's like muscles there. So it's like by anybody else's standard like oh look I'm getting in shape but like I'm also learning how to like my body in shape more than I like my body when it has no muscle and it can't lift its own suitcase into the overhead bin like there are certain like like like attributes of like oh wow when I get like fit I'm going to like this more but even I can look at pictures of myself when I had no muscle and still romanticize that even though I find myself that I work out for like the mental health aspect completely and like the physical stuff is just a bonus but there's something that feels nice

and like I feel like even if it's in my own head like I love the idea of going to a workout class before I go to the beach because I'm like no today I did something for my body so when I'm out in a bathing suit later even though I'm gonna look exactly the same as I did if I didn't take this workout class I feel like I did something good for my body and like I valued my body that day I didn't just like wake up, throw a bathing suit on and look in the mirror and hate myself. I'm like, no, I care about my body. So I'm going to wake up early and I'm going to use it to do pushups and planks and do all this stuff because it works.

And I can appreciate that. And that, that, that body is going to wear a bikini, but that body also helped me did 35 burpees. And so that's something that I think was great. And also what I, the biggest one for me was that I, my body is going to constantly be a work in progress. let's say i think that that's a bad way to look at it because that means that it's not good enough right now no no but i mean that i'm like my this body is going to be the same body that takes me

to my dying day like i don't know they're really advancing that i think so i'm gonna have the same body potentially it's not gonna be that what is that weird show that i watched on netflix for you there's sleeves and shit westworld no i do like that one though there's sleeves yeah it was weird don't watch it i didn't like it um we don't know what it is people in the comments will probably but like my body is going to be altered carbon yes nice you said that like as if it was not the tv show just the next statement that's what it was but like this is going to be the same i i don't have to be in the absolute best shape of my life right now and also i'm not ever going i'm not going to be in the best shape of my life forever like there's not going to be like my body like

my I'm going to like hopefully be able to carry kids like my body has so many other uses than just being like aesthetically pleasing for this current time like there is so much other like my body served so many other purposes that aren't pertinent to my life right now also because not everyone is able-bodied and so like I'm sure there's tons of of people out there who like can't do five push-ups and never will be able to but I think that like I touched on it it's like it's it's mental like your relationship to your body is like purely mental and therefore like you are in control of it so like if you one of the things I really liked learning was like the first thing that you think is like what society taught you to think and then the second thing

you think is who you truly are so like if you look in the mirror and you're like I'm disgusting then change like right after that think like no I'm not I'm like I'm healthy yeah I'm beautiful i'm great like you know like you have to you have to retrain your brain to to be nice to yourself and to only talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone that you love like that you would talk to a friend and you talk to a family member um because like people like since i've i had that relapse but since i've started being nicer to myself in my head like my relationship to everything is better yeah and like it's just more fun to be alive when you're not just like shitting on yourself no it's so true I think it's hopefully helpful in the sense of like two people who

I mean at least especially calling the podcast assuming that I knew what it was like to be how to be body confident I think it's the same thing the same reason that I feel kind of comforted by celeb faces knowing I'm like oh wow cool everybody struggles with this kind of stuff it's not something that makes you um less that you mean like a less than thought even just like things I used to freak out about like I shave my arms and so I used to like freak out because if I got cold and like my arms would get a little prickly cause the hair grows back. And that used to like, I used to panic about that. And now I'm like, whatever, my arms are prickly. Like, you know, like just like so many things that I thought mattered so much, like just don't. And

like, you have to kind of like look at the bigger picture and think like, is this how I want to spend my brain power? Is this like what I want to be obsessed with? Or do I just like want to move on and like focus on other things? Yeah. And it's like, same thing I think with like crazy diets and stuff and you're like is this how i want to live the rest of my life like do i want to spend all this time starting at this age living the rest of forever trying to like obtain something that the goal is always going to get farther and farther because like my expectations and what i want is always going to get something's always going to come up and something's always going to be new i think this is probably probably when we get a lot of comments in the comment section

about other people because we've got a lot of a lot of girls who like to talk about that kind of stuff too so maybe if we didn't help hopefully comments did too on youtube so go read those and yeah okay let's go on to the next one i'm 18 and honestly i can go on for hours with the story but i only have under three minutes so things might be condensed so i've been in love with an emotionally abusive boy for almost a year now and basically since the beginning we almost fight every day because of some bullshit he does such as borderline is not actually cheating seeing pictures of him lying with other girls and lying for no reason because if he has no respect for me and finding out these things.

He's very manipulative and would always flip the fights on me, and he's also a pathological liar. Our fights have gotten so bad to the point where his dangerous friends have gotten involved and have threatened to jump me, destroy my car, shoot me, and have said things to me that have led me to have an eating disorder and lose 30 pounds in a month. Being with him has changed me and made me lose my spirit, and now he's brought out my anxiety and depression,

which I've had for a while now. My parents know about him and almost made me get a restraining order. I was seeing someone else for about two months when he came back and told me he missed me. I knew it was a bad idea to go back, but I secretly did it anyway. It was great in the beginning, but now I can see him not putting in any effort anymore and kind of a repeat of what happened last time. I tried to cut things off last night, which he said, let's just hang out today and try and fix it. and when i said okay he went and hung out with his friends and lied to me about it i know this

is a toxic situation and i know i should get out of it but i don't know how to not go back to him because he always has a way of making it seem like things are all okay was he at any price that would help me please let me know thank you um okay first of all i and with your parents in a restraining order also i think you should go to therapy um i mean my first thing is agreeing with the restraining order idea because i think like um i don't i yeah i've been in emotionally abusive relationships and the one in particular That was pretty shitty. Um, and my friends deleted his number in my phone and blocked, like blocked and deleted his number. So I had no way of contacting him and he had no way of

contacting me because I was, it's, it's, you get brainwashed. And that was like, and I, I remember my excuses always like, well, no, you don't understand. You don't know. Oh my God. Like, you don't like making excuses for him. And it took me like a, I then, so I would say it took me a couple months post that to like feel okay. And then from there I made an active decision to not that I'm saying that you're in this state at all, but I had gotten it. I was just dating. I had a string of dating really terrible people. And then I told myself, I'm like, I need to fix and figure out like, I'm in, I just keep, I'm keep making the same mistakes with the people that I'm dating. I need to take a break from dating anybody before I can like clear this all

lot of my system as if it was like a drug in the sense of being like and start fresh so I'm not dating somebody who's just slightly less bad which is basically what I had done was like dating and becoming friends with people who were like a little less bad than like the last terrible person and then um it took a while and then I started dating my current boyfriend and I the ex that I had before that like reached out to me and I felt nothing so in that I guess I'm trying to say like as much as it feels like you're so drowning in it and like involved in it now it does you can get better in the sense that like you're not you're not damaged goods that another relation another partner has to deal with or whatever like you're not baggage you're not any of that stuff

you are like so lovable like and you are going to be so loved by somebody who is not going to judge or be upset of the fact that you've like dealt with all this other stuff and you will get to a point where you will not feel that attachment to that person, but it takes like being like just completely cut off. Yeah. I mean, I think that right now it's a really important time to lead on your support system. I think you need to lean on your parents. I think you need to lean on your friends. And I think you also need to figure out some sort of accountability plan. You know, I think that like you said you secretly got back together with him and I think that that makes things much more easier to keep going I think that like you need to be up front with everyone

who cares about you in your life and say I'm back together with him this is not healthy I need to get out of this please help me and then you know have them block the numbers have them you know every time that you want to text him text your mom instead text your best friend instead you know like this is probably not something you're going to be able to handle on your own and that's completely fine I've never handled any of the tough stuff on my own and I'm so lucky to have a support system and this is not and like I feel like I always say this when like things go terrible but I'm like this is not a story you tell your grandkids like this is not like would you like to know how we met like would you like to know how your dad's friends threatened to shoot me

yeah and I would also break up with him not in person via text with someone else with you and and just say your piece and then block his number and then say tell him you can even tell him i'm you know this isn't healthy i'm going to block your number please please respect that and then and then you don't know you don't owe him anything and there's no this has gone on for enough of a long enough time that he's not and not that he's ever allowed to pull that excuse but like there is nothing there's no nothing he can do to fix the situation now there is no give me one last chance like please let me prove this to you or anything like that this is uh this is the decision this is not a conversation this is a statement from my end and this is the last time

you're going to hear from me this is like it's detrimental to how you view yourself and I think you need to focus on being surrounded by people who love you and remember what that feeling is like yeah and I'd also say that like um that you're not in love with him like I know that you probably have this feeling like oh I'm never gonna love somebody this much again but you're not what you're addicted to is him giving you attention and then taking it away. So it actually has nothing to do with like who he is as a person. It's just, it's just like, it's just behavior that is like actually psychologically addicting. And I think once you view him as a drug instead of a person, then you might be able to recover easier. Yeah. Yeah. I think that we, we talk about that

with like when you date addicts and stuff is like, I, for me, it's like, it's always the feeling of feeling special of being like, you are a loose cannon. You're like completely like no one can control you but i'm the only person that you're sweet to and i'm the only person like i have to earn all of this and then once once you earn the love and affection you're like i think you you feel some sort of you feel simultaneously out of control and in control and that's the addicting quality and it's not it's not love it's not a relationship it's just like an addiction it is yeah and also it's not love be like relationships are hard but i don't find be like love shouldn't be a terror like a very hard thing there are things you have to deal with like in a relationship

but like being in love shouldn't be something that you have to like sacrifice or like your mental health or like be emotionally taxing especially when you're 18 and you don't have kids and you're not you know what i mean like you have no ties to this person you have so much more life to live and also this is going to take some healing time so the quicker you can get out of the situation the quicker you're going to heal and the more you're going to be like i'm so happy like and these are sure these are like a huge this is a chunk of your life but there is so much like more out there that like you get to experience yeah i'm gonna um share uh the national domestic hotline it's 1-800-799-7233 we'll put this down in the show notes and um they'll help you come up with

a safety plan how to prepare to leave the relationship advice on when to leave advice on what to do after you leave and the legal information you need to get a restraining order of protective order great amazing so good luck good luck you've got our support okay guys we're going to take a break and we'll be back thanks so much to carol for supporting don't blame me so guys did you know about vitamins do you want to learn more about vitamins vitamins can fill the important gaps that your body is missing from your diet or give you an extra boost when you need it and care of fun online quiz makes it really easy to figure out what vitamins and supplements you specifically need your subscription box includes individually wrapped packets with

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enter promo code blame again that's 25% off your first month of personalized care of vitamins when you go to takecareof.com and enter blame at checkout okay guys we are back and we are hopping into the rest of the calls hi uh i'm 15 years old i'm from puerto rico and i'm calling because i have a bit of a problem with a friend um they basically ruined my friends anymore and it's kind of a long story but she started hanging over the guy that i kind of hate because the truth is that the guy is a terrible guy he he treats women like trash he calls whenever i say anything that's like moderately like feminist or something he says i'm a feminazi he makes one of other people that are like feminists like my son's one of my best friends like he insults her all the

time when she's not around and he treats people from the lgbt community really badly and that really think because I'm from the LGBT community and a lot of my friends are too and just for a vague example he doesn't think lesbians are real I know you don't like it's it's very complicated like we tried to convince him that they are but he just so I tried to tell her that he's not a good person I think I didn't want to get involved but I still decided to be a good friend and tell her, look, you can do whatever you want, but I'm telling you, he is a bad person. He's going to ruin your life, I guess. The truth is he didn't ruin her life. They became very close friends and now they're dating. And I blocked her on Twitter because she was annoying. And I haven't

talked to her in a really long time, but she found out that I blocked her because I got into a fight with the guy on twitter this is a mess but she found out i blocked her and um she was really mad she texted me she was like why the hell did you block me i sent her a really long message saying basically i'm not comfortable with being friends with somebody that's friends with him especially how unsupported he is of my community and of people like me and he hates me too like that's the thing and she started you know acting like him because obviously she's spending a lot of time with him and um i just want to know what to do because um i don't want her to hate me like i just feel like i'm a little bit more mature than her and i know that she's gonna be really

angry with me and probably like sub tweeting me right now so i just want to know what to tell her so that she won't be mad at me i tried to be clear but i guess it didn't work because she just left me on read so is your friend dating Garrett from The Bachelorette I was sitting on that joke for a while um this is tricky I I mean I think that there is not much to do right now I think that like there's potentially a message to be sent saying like look I probably went about this the wrong way I shouldn't have just blocked you on Twitter without like talking to you about it but you know right now like I I feel like we're going our separate ways because he's not really someone i want in my life but if um if you guys ever break up or you you know like your lives go

different ways like please let me know like i i love to be friends again yeah i mean i think that's what's your horoscope sign what's your sign i'm the last day of gemini okay i was like what is it i was like the last the last one i was like i'm like on the cusp of cancer i was gonna ask you because i was like you kind of i was gonna ask if you were like a cancer um or pisces because I find that like a much more considering other people's emotions thing which I wish I was like that I am this girl which this is like so something I would have done I think I think and I I've said that before in this I've uh I've stopped being friends with people because of their significant others in a somewhat kind of similar vein a little bit different um and I did the same

thing of being like you know you know how I feel about this person that you're dating and if there if like anything if you ever need me it wasn't like if you break up like let me know but it was just know that like I don't hate you or anything like I still like I if you ever need me I'll always be there for you but I don't like I cannot surround myself with people who not only don't respect me but like don't validate my existence so like this is something like I'm just I'm cutting you out of my like my life but it's been like but have been like if anything happens like you know you could always call me like I'm not this isn't like a whatever but I'm like a firm fucking believer and like if somebody I have like no no like sort of I don't know not like sympathy but

I have no tolerance for people who aren't tolerant at all like I won't be friends like I'm gonna be i've said this before on the podcast like i literally will not be if i find out that somebody has like voted for donald trump like i will never speak to you again like i don't care if i've known you my entire life i don't care if like you are my childhood best friend and you've decided that you're completely homophobic and we've spent every birthday together like all of those things like i don't care i'm never speaking to you again that's me i just i have zero tolerance for that no one in your family voted for him uh i don't know maybe i've i mean and no one i've talked to like yeah that thing like that so like that i'm lucky no one no one close to me has yes i have

some issues with my sister's in-laws but okay yeah i'll take those up at a family event yeah yeah you're like oh let me fuck you up but i think i i don't think you in staying quiet or not choosing a side especially in our political climate right now is choosing a side like not speaking up is speaking up in behalf of being like I'm not going to participate in this because I value x y and z over other people who don't have as many rights as I do and I was talking to someone who was like I'm not really political in my head I was like well you're a garbage person like I just like immediately was like I don't like this like what a ridiculous thing to say how can you not be political right now I don't want to get into it I don't want to choose sides

and by that you're actively choosing a side yeah because like that's no that's like they're no you can't that's that's something that i don't silence is a privilege exactly and the fact that she her not her dating this guy is choosing a side that's something like it's something that you can settle with and sit with like i have friends who would go on dating apps and automatically if they're we have i mean i have one of my friends i've installed her her dating profile on my phone so i'm matching with people as not as her like saying i'm her friend setting her up with people and i automatically swipe left on anybody who has a gun who has uh identifies themselves as like moderate political views like if you're not liberal i'm out so there's all of these like

deciding factors and your friend has decided that those things are okay and she's fine with it but i mean also big picture she's very young you're both very and like you will see in your life that you will lose friends to significant others and then they will come back to you so i think that like as long as you let her know that like that door is open and that like if she does break up with him and she does come back that like you are open to that then that's great but you do not need to be a part of each other's lives for right now and worrying about like well i don't want her to hate me like she's not concerned what you think about her why why are you concerned i think there i think you can leave it on a more respectful note than perhaps what has happened and then you can

feel a little better about the situation i think so but i don't think there's any way like there's no way the idea that she's not going to hate you right she will but it's more it's more like would a lot of times I judge myself on like how would I feel if someone else did that to me you know and so like can you do you feel good about like if and if you send a nice respectful message then like you would be like okay like because you can't control how she would feel but like that's like a great barometer of like if you feel like you did the right thing or not like how would you feel about that yeah someone did it to you no that's right you're right you're right you're yeah you're more mature than me i'd be like fuck this much older also know you're in the right here just to

like tell you you're right you're right by the way yeah you don't need these people in your life you're right but also if you miss your friend know that there's a large chance she'll come back to you and if not fuck her she's a bitch hopefully she's not and we're on to the next call i'm 19 years old and i'm calling for some advice that i really can't get from anybody that's close to me at this point so um I don't know where to start my best friend we've been best friends for over six years I may or may not have kind of hooked up with her brother okay but I think me and her brother have always had a thing and when I was dating my boyfriend a few months ago he tried to kissed me. And it kind of led to these feelings that I didn't know I had. Long story short,

I broke up with my boyfriend. And recently, I went to go see her brother. And it was just really nice to hang out with somebody and like cuddle and watch a movie. We may or may not have it out. But the point is, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should pursue this relationship with my best friend of six years, brother, or if I should just ignore it and not get him or talk to him like i don't know what to do so if you can give me some advice that'd be great my experience the thing that hurts people's feelings the most is not necessarily what you did but lying about it oh 100 so i would just talk to your friend yeah and just be like this is so weird i like i didn't expect this to happen but like i have feelings for your brother and like i wanted to talk to

you about it like let them feel like their opinion matters that like you're you're you're you want to respect your wishes you including her in this crazy thing that is happening in your life you're not hiding anything from her and then and then kind of see where that conversation goes yeah I think I'm so with you on like I would rather I would rather know things and I think like if any if everyone's transparent and honest about everything then you're able to make your own you get to make the decisions other people you don't get to make other people aren't making your decisions for you of being like, I'm not going to tell this person something. Um, I would say I would, yeah, I would clue her in immediately and tell her. And I'd also say, I think it's the,

the betrayal is usually what hurts the most. And also it's awkward as a friend because you're like, you guys get to talk about boys, but she's not going to really want to talk about her brother in that sense. And I think if she's not comfortable with it, there's also potentially a good chance that you respect her wishes and you're like okay cool and then maybe a couple months down the road she's like you know what like i'm sorry like i really like that was like selfish of me and if you guys want to pursue that like you've got my blessing i think if you can give her exactly like you're saying give her a voice in the situation because as much as it's like yes you guys are two different people and like she wouldn't be a part of your relationship you know him because

of her and so she is included can i give some manipulative advice my favorite kind of advice so this is how you should approach the conversation you have to be extremely distraught you have to you have to feel horrible and grossed out like i don't know what's wrong with you so guilty yeah you have to be like this has been tearing me up inside like i love you so much and like almost overdue because you are conflicted so you're not really lying yeah like almost overdo how conflicted you feel and like how torn up you are and how important she is to you and if she's a good friend chances are she'll be like i just want you to be happy yeah exactly and if you tell her you're like i don't know why i feel this it's just like i don't

know it's just like something like the idea of losing you as a friend is like not worth it that's like the last you know just really milk that yeah really really really do that and i think also like how old 19 i mean if are they in they're not in school anymore we don't know okay well i mean i think it also i think if you're in high school that's kind of like that can be a little weirder but if you guys are all at different colleges or anything like that that's not something that's so much of um like a very weirdness thing just let her be in the position where she can grant you this wonderful opportunity do you know what i mean because then she's suddenly like this knight in shining armor that's like so understanding and just like wants the best for you yeah let her be

in that position versus like six months from now finding out i'm feeling betrayed and angry and then losing your friend and then also knowing that his not that his loyalties that's his family like maybe she gets really pissed you could lie about it you start dating she gets pissed off and then he's like i can't do this to my sister let's break up and then you're like i lost my friend and my boyfriend um and also maybe she might be crazy into it i mean my best friend she's only got a sister but we always used to say she was like i so wish i had a brother so you could just date him and be in our family i want to be related to all my friends that's my dream yeah okay guys we are time we're we are time fucking titties okay it's time for producers

corner do we have a callback or do we have oh my god so this is basically i love i love this is my expression always when we call back watch on youtube um is somebody else is calling somebody who called in from a previous episode is updating us great situation is this a sad one or a happy one it's a happy one yeah i'm so happy yeah this is from the episode with melvin greg um where the caller she's 21 years old and she was friends with benefits and for some reason she told us she was bisexual but it didn't have anything to do with the call um and so um she's been friends with benefits with the guy for three years um and doesn't know like what to do with her feelings for him and Megan's relationship was uh she didn't see the relationship developing at

this this whole paste and melvin was like he might have feelings for her but didn't want to commit yeah we'll play the call back if melvin's right he's gonna text me and rub it in so fast um i found melvin's reaction so freaking hilarious i loved it i know a lot of people were really upset about his advice in the comments but i i just fucking loved it i thought it was so it was really good advice and I just I just loved his reaction it was so funny um and yeah I am bisexual and I don't know why I said that I thought I was gonna go into something from that but I like I just probably forgot when I was calling um but yeah so I'm just I just wanted to update you on my situation um and I kind of like took the advice that you guys gave um well my friends had

advised me before to just keep him at a distance and just like kind of like move on um and then I told him like two months ago that I just wanted to be friends um and you know just like slowly back away from this whole thing um so that I could move on and he had just gotten back from a semester abroad and um when I told him that he ended up admitting to me that he had thought about dating me this december before going abroad and then again another time when he was abroad and apparently i'm oblivious as because i had no clue i mean like he hadn't told me but i like i honestly thought he was just not interested in me i mean he's um and then he asked me out and um we've been on two dates now and yeah the other night um he like officially called it

a relationship like he said like hey we're dating we're in a relationship and like I don't know in my mind I thought his initial no was it so yeah I was kind of like shocked and I'm I'm still kind of shocked now like that this is where it's gone it's turned like 180 degrees for me this is when I like being wrong like this makes me so happy they've only gone on two dates in two months but they've been together for three years they've been fuck buddies for three years i'm confused what was melvin's advice um i think so i had what i had said to her was i said that i if he had wanted to date you before he would have dated you and i think he did she ever tell him she had feelings for him she did at one point and i think he he wasn't wasn't he didn't answer

either way right he was kind of just like but they kept hooking up and she felt awkward and like wanted to take it back um and then i think melvin had said maybe he does like i mean first of all melvin's reaction was funny and he did get some like backlash but she texted me he was like all of your fans hate me um so i think he was a little much like i mean a little much a little bit like why did you say you're bisexual yeah that was like you gotta listen to the keyword to the keyword she says that she's bisexual and maybe she just wants to be out here oh yeah messing with everybody yeah oh yeah so funny but i i mean like i'm so stoked i think this is great i think it's happy i have a bad feeling about it i don't know why maybe just because her voice was

so monotone i'm not sure but she didn't seem excited like it felt i don't know like it felt like it was we like i feel like if you've been dating you've been like fuck buddy with someone for like three years and you're finally like let's be in a relationship then like you're together all the time like you're like practically engaged like i don't know like i think it's weird that it's just like two dates in two months but maybe my timeline's wrong she also said in the original call that they had uh they always were like open and talked about their feelings and it wasn't like they were just having sex like they were they're like best basically like best friends and people automatically assumed that they were together anyway and he wasn't I don't know I don't know

why I'm feeling maybe I'm just hungry maybe I don't know I take it all back I think also um and there's nothing wrong with having a monotone voice I'm really sorry but I remind you that we We had a call with, on the episode with Ashley where like this, so my boyfriend and I, we weren't like friends with benefits, but we were friends before. And then when we started dating, we like took it weirdly slow because we felt like we had to, because we had like, well, we've already like been friends and hung out a bunch. And I was friends with benefits with a guy in high school. And then we tried dating and it totally didn't work, but it almost did.

And so this makes me really happy for. No, I'm very, I'm very happy. And also be like, how weird is it though? that like i don't know if they've had like sex after their dates but like can you imagine being like oh okay i guess we'll uh because like moth and i had to stop saying i love you when we were just like for when we were like after what we started dating because we'd said it when we were friends and so then it's like when you have like oh i guess do we have to like wait till the third date to like hook up with each other even though we've been fucking for three years it's really

funny it's cute well i'm happy for you um and boys are slow so this is took three years for that it's like that the bachelor couple i guess what i feel weird about is that he said that he thought about it twice what does that mean like that he had just like a fleeting thought about it maybe it wasn't ready at that point i think also once you've invested three years into something like that you know that that person's not going anywhere and i think that that can kind of be like it takes a while at least for me like i've found i always like the relationships i've been in the longest are like friends like i really like i will be really close to someone and then And like, that's my first, like my first love and all that stuff was like best friend.

And suddenly I was like, holy shit, I'm in love with you. And I had no idea. Also, my first high school boyfriend, I used to like hook up all the time. And we're like, oh, we're just friends. We just like hook up. And finally I was like, I feel like we're not friends. I feel like we like each other. But like, I don't know.

I think when you don't feel any pressure, there's no fire under your ass when like someone's been a consistent thing for yours. And then maybe he was abroad and he like went in the red light district and like saw all these naked people. And he was like, you know what naked body I miss? The one in America, you know? i don't know where he was and then he never thought of her again for the next six months yeah he just said they're still fucking i think that's the thing that probably like

it felt like it's like you it feels like dating without dating so like why would they just hadn't put a label and then her finally being like i don't wanna like maybe that was the whole why why buy the cow when you're getting the milk for free but then he was like i'll buy the cow i like the milk i'll pay for that milk i'll take a lease on it i'll come into a subscription to that milk i'll put my mouth on that teeth yeah sugar liked that oh teats okay well on that note guys that's our episode thank you so much awesome for being on thank you so much for having me you're so good you're so much smarter than me we should have

back more i'd love to come back can i promote my podcast um fuck yeah i'm so sorry i've been told i have to do this no it's great i was gonna ask you but i like that you do it yourself i was just too excited about it um i have a scripted soap opera podcast called gossip that is available everywhere i have to listen to it it's very good oh thank you i've seen your tweets about it i need to listen to it you haven't even okay well i admitted it no that's okay i'm not gonna listen to this but i came to me on yeah no totally okay but at least you're right there's some people who are like i'm like okay now we're gonna take calls like we're taking calls well i was it was explained to me right right before the show started exactly that's all yeah that's all

that's all that's fine i'll listen to yours you can listen to this perfect um what are your socials promote those ones too all right um so you can find out more about the podcast at gossip podcast on twitter and then i'm at allison raskin on everything hell yeah uh and then you can follow melissa and i um in real life just see us please don't don't do that i get i'm so paranoid already please don't do that uh but our social will be listed down below as well and if you guys have shits hitting the fan in your life and you need some clearly great advice uh give us a call at 310-694-0976 international listeners send us a audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com and if you're watching this on youtube and you want to know where to subscribe go to don't blame

me.show and you can get it on itunes and uh soundcloud and the you can listen from the website is that the rss feed the r yeah yeah you know you guys know it's complicated go to the website and then um if you're listening to it on itunes or soundcloud or anything like that and you want to watch it it's on youtube so go check it see see allison's great dress that i have been fawning over i like the shoes too anyways uh we'll see you guys next week goodbye don't blame me it's a production by me produced directed and edited by melissa de monts post production sound by chris henry production assistant julie carley and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter i'll see you guys next week and don't blame me if your life you know

completely fucks up before then oh