Don't Blame Me! - S2E23: Guest: Jarrett Sleeper - Losing Your V-Card to Your Friend?!

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

Jarrett Sleeper is back this week! We’re sharing advice on what to do if your roommate asks your boyfriend out to lunch, having ADHD and making friends, and your boyfriend pushing you away. We also have a listener sharing advice on having an introverted significant other.Follow Us!@meghanrienks@jarrettsleeper@sheisnotmelissa@dontblamemepodNeed Advice?www.dontblameme.showDomestic Listeners Call: [phone]International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail]… with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING.- Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel:http://youtube.com/meghanrienksSupport the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

On today's episode of Don't Blame Me, we have Jarrett Sleeper and we talk about a girl who's going to college and is feeling a little uneasy with the fact that her new roommate has suddenly befriended all of her high school friends and is trying to like get lunch alone with her boyfriend. Is it weird? I think it's weird. Kind of reminds me of that movie, The Roommate, Leighton Meester. Good film. And we also talk about a girl and a guy who are friends and the guy just suggested maybe they should lose their virginities to each other. Is it a good idea? Talk about the concept to virginity um and yeah should should you quote unquote get it over with with your best friend or should you get under your best friend keep listening okay everybody you can have a mug

i was gonna clap my hands oh you don't need to clap i can't yeah you don't need to i tried to put a button-up shirt on to look vaguely like human and then it was just too hot too hot i have to wear a t-shirt during this plus i did that thing where you rush out of the house really fast after showering and then you have your own cloud of sweat that like just doesn't leave you bring humidity with you i love it it'll be good for my hair uh hello everybody welcome to another episode of don't blame me if you are watching you can see our guest in his fanny pack you're on trend by the way uh i like to think that i was like really on the forefront of this trend and helping keep it go you know what i mean yeah i love fanny pack oh my god this is jared by the way guys i didn't do

it you guys if you've seen another where you didn't know this is audio you'll never have seen me then you'll maybe you recognize his voice from a previous episode because you've been on before we got a repeat guest thank you for it i'm really i'm very honored does it happen a lot uh you lily acelyn acelyn but on yeah a lot i feel like that's it that's a that's good i actually think it might be it you're in the three it was really fun I love the people who ask questions on this

ask real juicy questions get ready everyone's lives have gone they've gone down the drain are you revisiting any of those people I don't think so because I didn't research again but people are more comfortable now they tell us everything

they tell us when they hook up with married guys they tell us when their boyfriends have children and with women that weren't them. I think like that is also part of like a larger, I was thinking about this because I was vaguely thinking, oh yeah, I'm going to go to that show tomorrow. And I was thinking like,

what kind of stuff are we talking about? Relations? And I was thinking like, I'm getting really weird. I've like all the social mores and things we're supposed to feel shame about that aren't kids. I realized like,

I don't even think about them anymore. Yeah. Like, you know, like, you know, like weed is illegal in some states still. Yeah. People can get arrested for it. It's hard to wrap my head around.

Isn't it weird to think like, some people still think that's like a drug. Yeah. And then like, I made that comment literally today. What did you say? Someone, we were talking to different kinds of addicts, and then I made some comment. I was like, well, this person was addicted to this and this, but those aren't real drugs.

And they were like, that's still a real drug. And I was like, oh. I saw a meme the other day that was like something you realize when you grow up is like everybody does cocaine and it's not that good. Oh, God. And I was like. Oh, my God. I'm so scared of cocaine.

Do we talk about this last time? Probably. I tried cocaine like a long time ago and loved it like so much. that i was like i better now it made me feel normal and now that's what i've heard about adhd there you go yeah dopamine broken dopamine receptors yeah too scared too too fucking scared good don't do it never i don't i got worth it i got a new nose i'm not gonna shove shit up there exactly there you go i'm not fucking doing that that delightful laugh good segue that's not your new one are you gonna start just fake laughing

you just get a soundboard of it yeah and then i don't actually have to laugh you just sit over and be like oh i should laugh at that no your mouth just doesn't match it at all and you just see a closed mouth laughing that's melissa hello and you're in pink are you gonna sweat are you no i'm good i don't sweat members only like listen okay there you go i was like we work out together don't tell me you don't fucking sweat some people are like that it's weird they like their glands i used to not sweat that much and then i started working out and then i was like oh no i can sweat yeah once you like really do it yeah yeah i sweat so okay guys um this is a podcast this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast if you guys are new here um you guys call

in to the phone number 310-694-0976 or you're international and you're cool and you're not under trump's administration and you emailed us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com and we're going to play those voicemails and we're going to give you guys some advice on your lives shall we go on let's do some advice stuff let's get in it i don't think i did hi megan i'm 19 i'm going into my into my first apartment after moving home after only a few months in the dorms i started dealing with anxiety and depression but now i feel like i have overcome it pretty well knowing that movement is approaching is making me pretty nervous that what happened last year will repeat i'm going to be living with one of my good friends who i met

last year and who also lived at home and commuted. She's been really great except for recently. This summer I invited her to hang out with my friends from high school a few times and she got pretty close to them really fast. I'm glad that they can all get along but it's gotten to the point of them hanging out individually without me and her wanting to go to lunch with my boyfriend to get to know him better. She's the nicest person and I know she doesn't have bad intentions but I just want her to focus on more of her life than mine. It seems like when we hang out alone all All she wants to talk about is them, which isn't very fun. How should I go about addressing this with her before I move in?

I just want the best fear possible and to go into it with a clear mind. Why are we living with this girl? Do we have to? Yeah, this is hard. This one's hard from the lack of context. The lead meester movie. I knew you were thinking about that. Which one?

The one roommate? Roommate? Where she just tries to become her roommate? Isn't that like single-weight female? It is like single-weight female, but they just keep making remakes. Sure. Well, I don't even think that's that weird, you know? I think we all like share the same basic like trope-y, young-y, and dreams.

Like Joseph Campbell, like the monomyth, but now like single-weight female. The person who becomes you, your doppelganger, and takes over your life. I think that's like an ancient fear. Yeah. Which, you know, seems to be expressing itself in this woman's life. Yeah. Well, okay. She started by saying she had anxiety and depression stuff last year.

Yeah. which i feel and that had to do with moving from the door i think was that was it because it was just hard for her to overcome and now so that was her freshman year right yeah and now she's so yeah okay so give me some context of like so she was a commuter freshman year right so she's a freshman year which i totally understand that being a huge source of feeling not involved in the community of college especially and then her still having those same kind of fears but now she like has her friend group she's at her high school friend group and then she had made a friend at college has her boyfriend and now she's moving into an apartment there so i think i would think

a lot of the anxiety and fears and stuff comes from feeling like she's a year behind of like the social sure and also i think that's just the fact that someone that she led with that so i feel like whenever i listen to these i'm like always decoding like yeah you know all the like subconscious things to try to create more context for myself so she's like worried she doesn't feel like super solid like she's a little bit has anxiety about going to this thing so that's fair so it's like why would you want anything in your life that would make that freakier right and she wants to have a good year and there's something about there's something that it sounds like whether or not this woman has the best intentions or not her the roommate the

potential roommate it sounds a little bit on the surface like humans doing what humans do where they recreate their own trauma over and over they create an impediment for themselves so that they can like if i'm afraid that i'm going to have an anxious depressed tough time i'm going to create a circumstance in which that's definitely going to happen you know what i mean yeah i think what i would say i don't know if there's a way i'll give two sets of advice i think my if you cannot live with her i would that would be my first advice just because i don't think that they're I don't either she's not maybe she's not malicious maybe she's just a little so she you've kind of done the brunt work of like making friends with your high school friends and all this kind of

stuff that she's kind of like I'm sure she also having been a commuter had the same sort of feelings as you and so it's kind of like oh wow cool I can have that sense of community through my roommate so I don't even know if she's doing it in a mean way that's that's what my thing is like it's either one of two things it's either one of these people is off and either she senses because i have a friend i think at least one friend in particular i'm thinking of right now who have only known him for like a couple years but like folded into my friend group like of old friends like it just felt so natural and it was so right and it's like we've all been meant to be pals together yeah and there was never a feeling of like why is this person taking my life

or it was weird it was just like oh great this is all meant to be but if you are feeling that way like trust that yeah i think you have to trust that i think it's you gotta just if you do your inventory and go like well am i just being anxious is it just anxiety and depression and actually like i don't need to be so worried like my boyfriend loves me is it gonna cheat on me my friends love me and aren't gonna like think they like this person better yeah then then maybe it is just your anxiety talking and that's totally possible but if you have like any kind of alarm bell about a person and they're young too when you're that young that kind of person is more likely to potentially be in your life who's also insecure and yeah does that i think it's just if

i would just trust your gut like if you feel off about it and you feel weird like my home friends will text my work my friends like from la like i've made my friends like everyone really gets along and i don't feel any weirdness at all if like lily's like oh my god yeah i was texting sydney the other day but if i felt weirdness that would be an issue like it would be an issue not necessarily like oh you can feel insecure about certain things but like also like trying to hang out with your boyfriend one-on-one and all of that stuff it's just it's causing you stress with the situations and you also just don't want to be put in a position where your new college life is then potentially affecting like the home life that's totally separate from college and so i i would

yeah maybe even if you talk to your friends too and that can ease a little bit of it and then being like oh no like yeah she's nice but like maybe she's she texts a lot of the time like it's a little odd and you can just hear that from them then maybe you can just if you have to live with this girl just kind of be like okay cool well they don't oh my nipple fell out of this oh okay um maybe like now that i know that i'm that they're not also actively she feels like she's trying you feel like she's trying to replace you and if they're not going along with it and they're kind of like oh no we see that and we're not like super into it maybe that can like ease your anxieties and then if you live together know that she'll probably end up making her own friends from

classes and all that kind of stuff but otherwise i would say maybe if there's a way to not live together but you could also talk like just be honest with her i just think that it's i don't know i just don't think she's doing it from a mean position like i think she just probably feels yeah i just think she probably feels super anxious and nervous about the same thing and just feels like the like yeah that she's like oh cool I can have I've built in friends already like a homeschool kid like you know what I mean getting too excited about like now I can have like a normal social life yeah I think like like you were saying the communication thing too just just honesty honesty everyone says it over and over but like the older you get the more you

learn everything you learn in kindergarten is just true about all of your life just telling the truth being honest if something's like always on your mind just talking to the person or other people involved is like the best thing to do yeah well um good luck in college it'll be great and um yeah keep us updated and let us know what happens you'll be good you'll be fine so i'm 18 years old and i'm a virgin yeah just throwing that out there um now it's not that i want to be a virgin I guess it's just kind of like a thing that I've never been able to get out of the way, I guess. I've not had the opportunity yet to lose it. Now one of my best friends is also a virgin.

And he came up with the idea that we should lose our virginities to each other. And I just don't really know how I feel about this, I guess. I mean, there's of course the concern of how will this affect our friendship? I mean, he recently also moved away, so we've not been able to hang out as much as we'd like to. And yeah, he don't seem to be concerned about this. He says that if anything happens, we'd be able to work through it because we're such good friends.

also says that this is completely my choice of course that if I don't want to do it we won't and I mean I kind of like the idea that losing my virginity will be with someone that I know and trust so I like that part of his idea but it's also kind of the fact that I'm I don't know concerned or afraid of losing my virginity I guess it's I mean it's this unknown thing that I've never done or tried before and I've heard all these stories from my friends and yeah I don't know I'm just kind of afraid of the whole thing um so yeah please help for video listeners I just want people to know that while I was drinking my water there's something in my water that got into my mouth and then I spit it all the way back and then I stared at it for a little bit so just know that's

happened if you're watching i don't know what it is either and i tried to figure it out just if you saw that um yeah i actually like your incredible outburst of laughter i heard measure to be a virgin aside i do think she's very i'm 19 i'm a virgin like it was just so not what i expected 19 or 18 18 but it was not what i expected the second line yeah it just sounded so honest and she's very like you're at least you're thinking about this like in really like honest yeah terms that you don't sound she doesn't sound like under pressure like there was a moment in the story where i was like this is sounding a little weird but then i don't know just making sure you're not doing anything out of like pressure like she really does seem to be like

reflecting on it a lot yes which is correct um i think it is i just i think i have been one to say i don't put a lot of like weight in the term virginity um especially being friends with a lot of people who identify as queer where they're like well i wouldn't say like the first time i had sex with a girl was like losing my virginity because like then i realized like years later that like i wasn't into it's just and also this the idea that it's like penis vaginas virginity yes that's like yes it's just and you get to decide whenever you want like i agree you can start over if you're like you know i'm virgin now like this it's just such a it doesn't yeah i don't know it doesn't include the term doesn't include enough people for it to mean someone i follow on instagram

who does like some sex positive kind of like programming for i think for super deluxe and stuff but their instagram name is thongria i don't know but it's very thoughtful interesting stuff but um she said one time she said one of the things recently and i was like this i think should be the new definition like what if like losing your virginity just meant like the first time you had like an orgasm or or like or even like had sexual like feelings by yourself like with yourself even yeah and like we redefined like our idea of like a new world of like being a sexual being as like that like you know not about like like you said this very like heteronormative like penis and vagina that's the thing you know what i mean or or even like your hymen breaking

or something like that gymnastics right about exactly yeah uh so i think i agree with you i don't think like um i think the weird like old cultural values of like your virginity is really gross and weird it's well it's just a lot of like putting a lot of power of something that's your body that you're supposed to like shield from people for all this time and like not dress sexy to not have tempt men but then suddenly like when you have sex it's like somebody it's somebody else yeah it's taking something from you as opposed to something that you've been protecting for all this time like be afraid yeah i think that being said i think like practically like being realistic about like what's involved especially when it's new is like just just in the medical sense like

that there are consequences like pregnancy or stds to like protect about and be careful about condoms always so many condoms uh just one actually if you use more just one at a time If you use more than one at a time, it's counteractive. Okay. So just one. But, and then also I do think, I mean, I don't know. I think I'm a little bit like spoiled on this topic because I lost my virginity to a girlfriend that like, I deeply, deeply loved each other.

And it was just like a nice thing. We were like teenagers and it was like, felt great. You know, that being said, I don't think, I think, you know, you create oxytocin bonds. There's, there's like an intimacy. There is like, just like any new intense experience that is something that I think it's fine if you want to like put some stock in making that something yeah uh the idea of will it mess up your friendship I think there's no way it doesn't change your friendship and it's hard to tell from just the story of like how honest everybody involved is being like if he's long distance

now like still feeling really attached to you like yeah that sounds like more than just a friendly thing and I don't like the idea of somebody like sneaking in a side door of like hey we're just friends why don't we just lose our virginity to each other when like that's not really true about how you feel then again it could be like a cute rom-com version where you're like afraid to say how you really feel and you both actually like each other a lot I mean you know what I mean yeah I think you guys both just have to be really honest with how you feel about each other because I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to lose your virginity to somebody that you love I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting till marriage to lose your virginity I don't think

there's anything wrong to losing your virginity with some guy that or some guy or some girl or anybody that you meet one night that you want to have sex with and you have sex with like i don't think there's a wrong way to do it at all i think the issue is is when people feel like shamed into any in or judged by any choice that they're making so i think if this is something that you want and this is something that you're like you know what cool i would kind of want to like get this over with but if that's not your mentality and you've never thought about it before and him bringing it up is like completely out of the blue then i don't really think it's something that you want so i think like i mean i have friends who have done this of being like we're

just gonna have sex for for the first time with each other and like we're really close it's always going to be a little bit different just because like you've seen each other naked and like totally you know what's funny about that he's been inside you well yeah i had a i have a friend just uh a hetero guy friend which is a normal like you know platonic relationship and we like went to the korean spa together one time and i was like oh well now we're naked friends i guess and it's just funny like i feel like that just made me think of that that i was like there is a version of like we make we make such weird barriers for everything yeah um i think the best kind of sex always is just comfortable sex meaning like you are comfortable with the person even if

it gets like rough and crazy or whatever it's because you feel comfortable and safe and trustworthy. And so like whatever choice you're going to do, as long as it's from your own volition, that's when you can do things that are scary. That's when you can do things that are like nerve wracking and anxiety inducing is it's just as long as you feel comfortable and like safe. And that term feels so loaded, like safe, but I, I don't know an easier way to describe it. No, it's, it's true. I think, I think no matter what, there's always like a fear of the unknown with anything and i think that not to like make you feel more afraid but i think losing your virginity afterwards it's you don't have like a brand new sexual confidence and even when you

have sex with like one person you're with the one person for a couple years the next person you date you're still nervous the first time you sleep with them so i think you're nervous first time you kiss people oh my god yeah so i don't think that there's anything when you are feeling inexperienced and kind of wanting if this is something that you've always wanted again to like get it over with which there's nothing wrong with then yes go for it but also if you had a fantasy of being like a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a guy you really really really liked and someone you're really in love with i don't think you need to give that up like you can you're allowed to have that fantasy there's nothing wrong or uh like uh naive about that fantasy like that can totally exist it's just

about what you want and how comfortable you feel yeah it's complicated when we enter the realm of like feelings and then trying to put your like frontal cortex and this like weighing pros and cons thing like in relationships with everybody we can't resist the urge to like put everything into like the the relationship court like is a thing right or wrong and arguing if it's right or wrong i think if you hadn't thought about this before there's probably a reason why because it's probably not how you wanted it to happen and just because like the opportunity just because the falls in your lap doesn't mean you have to take it i like that me too that's actually guys if any guys listen they should listen to that too i think there's a lot of masculine like heteronormative

pressure to be like you're not a real guy you're not like this actually you up i think this is part of like patriarchal like like predatory male stuff too is like i literally had a tape in my head that like a good guy makes women feel good by being attractive and up for all the time like what a rejection it would be if they ever wanted you and you didn't them back yeah Like, you know, it's like, but you're a guy or don't you want to fuck all the time? And that like me, I did a lot of things, I think in my time that I didn't really want to do. Like you'd be home with somebody and be like, why am I here?

And be like, well, because I'd be a real asshole if this woman wanted to have sex with me and I didn't back. And it can warp into this weird way of like the only way to interact with females in professional capacity is like to be flirty and be like, Hey, you look great today. And stuff like that. Cause you're taught. that's how a that's how a good hetero normative man is that like is fucked up and so yeah that's like a very important thing it is just because a dick falls in your lap just because that ass

falls in your lap doesn't take it you have to do something with plenty of other ones where that came from okay um to the next one also wear a condom i'm 21 years old i have adhd and i am in my second year of college and I'm moving out of my parents house for the first time um right now it's literally in the middle of the night and I'm so frustrated so I thought I would just give you a call and see what advice you had for me um I'm gonna be moving to a new city for college this year um and I'm so nervous about it because like I feel really uncomfortable with my ADHD um I don't feel like I'm as extroverted as like other people with ADHD I feel like I'm quite like into myself and um like other people don't see me as that they're always like no you're so social

you can you can totally do this like blah blah but I just babble because I'm so like socially anxious and I'm really anxious about making friends because like I've always kind of been of the position where like I follow other people or I'm dependent on other people to make friends because I just like I can take initiative but it only works if someone's like as bubbly as me or if I click with someone or something like that I have a hard time like feeling comfortable around people and I think a big part of my ADHD is like I don't know just being like I guess shameful sort of like I bring a lot of shame on myself and I feel like I'm doing things wrong all the time but actually like I can reason around it and be like oh well it's not wrong

and blah blah blah and this might be important I live in Sweden um but um I'm half American so like the way I speak and stuff and like the way I talk is like kind of culturally different from other swedish people and that kind of makes me anxious too i think the big issue here is anxiety it's weird um this sounds like me literally sounds like me well okay one thing i think is really sound i mean i'm not fucking medical professional but from reading about finding out i had hd2 about a year ago and learning about reading about it one thing i read that is really fascinating i think is really applicable here adult adhd they said a majority of people who are ultimately diagnosed with this first they're misdiagnosed as like depressives like i think

there's an average of 2.6 times or something before figuring out it's a different mechanism and second they say a lot of them a lot of adult adhd you don't express external hyperactivity and that what you have is this thing called internal emotional hyper arousal that like your inner life is so fucking crazy and it's and i was thinking about this a lot too like the same way like, let's say you get a rash. Yeah. Physically. I have a rash right now on my back. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's okay. It's very unpleasant. It's okay. That like, there's so many mechanisms that could cause the same symptom. Yeah. Like it could be bacterial or viral. It could be an autoimmune thing. It could be an allergy, whatever. It could be a bug bite. And I think the same thing is true

when we approach mental health stuff. Obviously this sounds like she's diagnosed ADHD. So they've decided they think that's the mechanism in which case I think, you know, if that's true, a little bit of appropriate medication can help as well as like good habits, like exercising and nutritional stuff. That stuff makes such a huge difference. Just drinking a lot of water and making sure your body gets to run around pretty regularly and tired out that will change your life. And then making lists and getting like strategies and practice in place. Like I do daily, uh, morning lists now that are to-do lists and they'll literally start with like, do the dishes or like take a shower. It's always mine. Yeah, exactly. Like it's really helpful. Yeah. It's fun to add, make a list to the

end of the list. Um, but so first of all, just understanding that just cause your dopamine receptors, like being weird, doesn't manifest the way you think ADHD is supposed to actually, there's a lot of versions of how that expresses itself. And some of them aren't this external thing. And that can be confusing because anxiety symptoms can be very similar to HD ones can be very symptom to depressive ones. I thought I was bipolar for a while. That's what I was just about to say my for one of the first psychiatrists i ever went i got diagnosed with adhd from a teacher when i was uh in school like as in middle school or something but didn't get medicated and nothing else happened from that and then the first time i went to a psychiatrist in or one of the yeah the

first one psychiatrist in la they misdiagnosed me as being bipolar because it was like i would they would they were like saying that i was having manic episodes because like the way you talk you're super expressive like it's so blah blah blah about all this stuff but then like you will get super depressed. And like, you've got, you're very anxious about all of these things. They're like, you're flipping back and forth, but it was just like my ADHD brain and like my depressive anxiety brain being like these things. So I can get really worked. I can be super depressed and get really worked up as opposed to being like super lethargic and not wanting to get out of bed. It's like a very active, more of like a tornado destructive kind of depression thing.

Well, and that's the thing they said about this internal hyper arousal thing is that sometimes your outside will not even look very crazy quote unquote whatever because that's how it manifests for me a lot was I would just be so overwhelmed by options and thoughts and things and going on that I wouldn't do anything yeah and so you look very still and even it can manifest as like depression and stuff like that you just can't do anything because you're just so hyper drive yeah um there's a thing they say I think I think on some autism spectrum stuff is like that too they think they actually like feel so much and uh and people with adhd i read this about like you feel so much of what's going on that you um that you just freeze up you can't like it out say you know

yeah yeah um so and i don't know i think what was the question about like just dealing with how uncomfortable it is yeah and i think one of the things you everybody has a different i so when hannah hart was on the podcast she also has adhd we were talking about how it manifests itself in different people like for her hers was like her adhd brain would tell her that she was lazy and that was like the self-loathing part and mine would tell me that i was stupid and so you have to figure out what it is that adhd is making whatever that side of your brain is making whatever that's telling you is it telling you that you're stupid is it telling you that this is fucking huge that's what it was because you said the shame thing yeah there's a

really good book i was reading recently i wish i could remember the title of it but it's about adhd in marriage but it was like about dhd and romantic relationships and it was so fucking useful to read uh i did a book on tape there's these library apps you can just get your local library it's not it's it's your local it's free and there's like audio it's amazing it's um overdrive or libby uh anyway local libraries they're amazing use them but um this book one of the most profound things through that and there's a woman named i think it's how to adhd or something like that she's got a youtube channel she talks about it a lot um if you start looking at it you realize a lot of the things that are adhd problems we consider moral failings completely

so you have a partner who's like why don't you ever fucking ask me about my day why don't you care about me and you're like no no i do it just i'm so sorry it never occurs to me i don't i'm so overwhelmed by and so things like that or lazy that's a good one too i feel that all the time why are you so fucking lazy why don't you figure shit out i would always have this tape in my head but why are you such a piece of shit you know and like realizing like why can't you just you have all the thoughts, you have the ability to just fucking do it. Just do it. You're taught in our culture that that's just, that's just you being lazy. That's you like not doing the work and not doing your puritanical job of like grindstone every day. But when you realize it's not a moral

failing, so many of these things are because literally you have a dopamine receptor that works different than other people that it's, it's, it's really, I think important to be able to remove shame from a physical mechanism. If you had like half of a foot that required you to have prosthetic things that you could run at a in a normal gait you wouldn't think you had fucked up like morally no totally you wouldn't think like oh just think harder and then grow a foot your tendon's gonna work yeah you know no i i really i very much agree with that i think you need to figure out what the pin where that's stemming from for you and then vocalize it whether it's talking to your friends or your parents like my friends know that that's the thing for me it's

like my issue of like feeling like I'm an idiot and my friends if I'm ever even just like not talking about it or getting down about it my friends will just like throw in random be like gosh that thing you did the other day like that's so innovative and I would have never thought about it like that and things that in my head like I did such a hard time giving I used to like consider myself I was like oh I was just like scrappy like I wasn't smart but I would like find a way to like MacGyver my way to do all these things and then like as I got to be an adult and I would have people like comment on that in a positive way, being like, wow, that's so innovative, something I never would have thought of. But I will also say, again, I think it sounds like you've gone

to a psychiatrist and it's not self-diagnosed, um, or you've gotten to a therapist or something. I would, I would feel bad not suggesting medication because for me, that's was like incredibly helpful in fine in, in me being able to feel competent. And that's, I think like the hardest thing is you just feel like you're everybody else has been running for like everyone got a head start and you're kind of like catching up and i don't think there's any embarrassment with it with the people that you meet and stuff i honestly wouldn't even tell i most people like that know me well no but other people i mean the internet but i mean like if i'm on set or something and i need to like go grab an adderall because i'm like oh cool i have to take one i've

got i this is this is the time of day i have reminders on my phone yeah so i would have one um one of like the pa guys who knew and i would ask him because i didn't want to tell everybody because also once you go to college everybody's like cool can i buy some like can i have this like i can't function you fuckers like no so i think you don't have to tell people it's also something like even ace one of my best friends ace and like she didn't know until later on and then she was like oh this makes sense but she wasn't not friends with me before that it wasn't like it was a precursor that she needed to know to be friends with me of being like oh fair warning she's got adhd it like later on she was like oh no yeah no it like made sense when you told me

but it does it doesn't affect how i see you but she's like it can help me help you doing things i think it's helpful to realize like there's a reason we're all different like there's all different kinds of people that like you have a place even if you're like this idea that we're trying to create some like homogenous human experience and like that's good is so silly like well you said about like the no one would have thought to figure it out that way yeah right that way like i think it's important if you have a brain that's shaped different or that works different it's important to not like wish that you had a different one and to go like well my brain does allow me to you're very good in crisis you're very good in situations where

there's like a million different inputs at one time and you need to navigate all of them and make it happen. And just because you're like, I had this thing for, before I learned any of this about myself, I just knew I called my pop fly rule, this like pop fly paradox where like, if they would stick me in the outfield, cause I wasn't a very good athlete as a kid. And that's where you stick kids who aren't very good athletes. But I would be able to see this ball coming. That was the easiest thing in the world to catch. You'd watch it coming towards you high fly and pop fly, whatever. And I would miss it every time. So I have too much time to think about it and go like, oh, I'm going to, and that's my ADD brain. If they put me in the midfield or like a shortstop

or something like that in her infield, I would just like a ball, like line drive comes to your head and you just go and throw it. And realizing later that like the thing that you feel shame about, like not being standard or whatever, or fitting into the social more as in norms of your world, like you just got to let yourself throw it out and realize like you have strengths and weakness is just like everybody and there really is like a piece in the puzzle of this blanket of people that works for you yeah you know time for a break guys um listen to some ads and we will be back sup guys hi megan hello good god you scared me oh guys wow look it's us we're here and as you

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butts on yeah left cheek right cheek left cheek right cheek uh no it's not butts no it's uh it's behind the scenes of the podcast we also have updates for when we have episodes out and videos out so if you are ever curious and wondering like hey when when's the video of this episode out guess what you can find it on the instagram and some bts content hopefully by now there will be um a photo of me punching mel yeah it should be it should be there yeah so um if you guys don't understand that inside joke you clearly you're not a good fan right or you clearly skip the out which also means you're a bad fan right a ban you're a ban a bad fan uh and um guys also itunes give us some love on itunes we love it we love reading the comments we do we love we we can

suck our own dicks but it's also good when you guys suck who doesn't love that um so guys yeah that's uh it's time to go back to the episode enjoy hearing more of me and melissa talking about other things probably more dick sucking yeah maybe yeah we'll see bye guys we are back from the break shall we hop into questions let's go great hey megan i'm trans and my last gender reassignment surgeries are coming up. So I've been thinking about getting back into dating again. And I'm very insecure about my height. Women always seem to say that they want somebody who is like 5'10 or 6 feet tall, and I'm only 5'8. So I was wondering if that is just something that's, I don't know, what people say and isn't really that important to them

anyways or if it's really that important that guys are tall and that i'm fucked so um yeah oh that's so funny you're not fucked but you'll get fucked don't worry you will get fucked for sure yeah it it's so person to person what you're attracted to but also like i used to say i was bringing it back to me as i always do um but i used to be like i i'm like my criteria is like guy that needs to be over six three and like work in finance finally found a guy who fit fit that he was the fucking worst you sound like a great guy that's like a really fun guy just on the surface yeah but like and he was terrible so i think sometimes like i think some some people can have those unrealistic like criteria and then they're gonna meet somebody with that and it's not

gonna matter and also everybody's different heights like i'm five if any casting directors are listening i am five seven if you meet me in real life i'm closer between five eight five nine oh you oh you cheat it down oh always that's so funny i'm usually like five ten but then i'll be like you know six five eleven and heels you know yeah no i went into a chemistry read the other day and i looked up the actor who had already been cast his height and i was like ah he's gonna be lying and then i was like and i've definitely lied in my first audition and So I walked in, I was like, we are the same height. Man, that's just so funny.

This idea, it's a whole, it's a funny, there's like, oh, it gives me a million thoughts. Really quick as a sidebar, that thing about like making about me, I read like a tweet recently that was, I do that same thing whenever somebody tells me something, especially if it's like an advice thing or they're going through something.

My instinct is always going, is to go like, this is an experience I've had that's like that and this is what happened to me. In my brain, I'm like, I want to reach into my bag of experiences, empathize with you and give you some context so you don't feel alone and so just to help or whatever uh and i've realized i have to mitigate that because some people it's like that's not good listening like you're making it about you

but you're like gotta figure out because well i find the same way of being like i want to i i always want to qualify what i'm gonna say and i don't i want to give it some backbone of being like oh well this is something like obviously not the same but this is kind of like my experience with something in a lane similar so i would just say it just fully depends on the person like complete like my friend so my friends i'm taller than most of my friends and my friends write god excuse me guys so i can't drink bubbly beverages oh my god there's another oh so many i don't like the feeling carving um but so i my my best friend is um she fucking she's like five two ish maybe five three ish and anytime i'd be she'd like be talking about the guy that

she was seeing and she's like yeah he's like super cute like he's like he's sydney tall but if i pictured you two next to each other he might be taller or shorter than you i don't know but like everything's so relative or like even swiping like i mean i'm five almost one so like it doesn't matter to me at all like uh oh my god there's a million things about this because this is a weird one it is a weird like last bastion of acceptable like body shaming or something like that that everyone agrees everyone can be like i only date guys who are 5 10 if you were like i only date women under 120 pounds you'd be like what the fuck's wrong with you so first of all that is kind of weird whatever i don't think it's unjustified in the sense like like i always

think like universal justice of like yin yang stuff that i'm like well patriarchy is really like beating the shit out of women in most ways so i don't think it's like a big deal to go like it should be equal like you know what i mean i think it also depends because like my boyfriend is more uncomfortable when i'm taller than him than if i'm wearing heels he's taller than me when i'm not wearing heels he's more uncomfortable when i'm taller than him than i am about it well this this stuff does it totally depends i think it does get into that thing of like we were talking earlier about feelings can't really be right or wrong they just are so especially when you get into like bedroom stuff and like sexy feeling stuff it's like you can't it's not like you can

politically correctify your weird sex drive feelings like you're gonna like what you like people are gonna like what they like i'd say broadly speaking like whether or not someone wants to fuck you has nothing really like not as much to do with your physicality as you think it does it has more much more to do with how funny are you how like cool are you to be around how like much do you just connect in a way that you can't explain like yeah i mean that also being said i think we put a little too much weird shame on like especially when you're young especially when you're like you're only gonna live like one life even if you get reincarnated you're only gonna live one life as this consciousness yeah the idea that you'd want to like try on different

types of people on totally superficial reasons i don't think should be like shamed so much yeah but like that means you should also take it in stride the other way like it shouldn't have as much meaning to you if somebody's like i only date people who are taller than you you're like all right well that's on you you know what i mean well and also if that's there's in no way if somebody's not interested in you it's never gonna be the height's not gonna be like what stops them completely if they're into you they're going to be into you and if they're not it has nothing to do with your height it's maybe they just don't see you romantically like that and you might manifest that in like oh they only date tall guys but it might just be like you're not their type

in a like intellectual sense you just don't have that kind of like clickingness and that spark that that person's looking for yeah and i would also say i can't even tell you the amount of people and guys that I know that are like between five, eight and five, nine and are dating girls that are shorter than and taller than them. Like so many of my guy friends are dating girls who are, I think almost majority of my guy friends are dating girls that are taller than them and nobody cares. And I think if anybody cares, it's just, it's, it's, I totally understand that insecurity. I used to feel really insecure about being a tall girl because as opposed to thinking, I never thought of like, oh, guys should all be really tall because I grew up with girls who are all super petite and really short.

So I was the odd one out. It wasn't like it was a bunch of tall guys and then one short guy. It was a bunch of short girls and then me. So I always wished that I was shorter and I always really cared about it so much more. So then me wanting to date a taller guy was more about my insecurity with my height compared to other women. and it was i think that's usually what the most comparison and the feeling inadequate is within your own gender as opposed to like how i'm being perceived to men it was like how i feel i've always felt so much taller and bigger than all of my other female friends you know and it's so much more about confidence and like that's hot like that's sexy like there are so many guys that i went to school with who if i showed someone a picture you wouldn't be like oh yeah like they're

traditionally attractive like but no if you knew them like they're not hard but like like they're not hot they're not tall but like they pull bitches like they have like the panty dropper personality and that's I think so much more important is the confidence it's that's what people find that's the inexplicable thing that people find super attractive and something that doesn't fade and makes people maintain interest in you and really like be invested in you as opposed to like a guy or a girl that's like a certain height or a certain hair color or whatever that might be like your automatic thing that you usually are like oh cool yes swipe right but that doesn't go anything past that like it doesn't yes self-possession especially you know

what you know you know that thing there's this thing they put it in movies all the time and tv all the time and sometimes it happens in real life where someone goes who are you you know and they like look at you in a way like they they're like you did something unexpected and they're like wait a minute and it makes them double take if you can do that in real life if you can be someone yeah i'm sure i'm a short man and that's like not supposed to be somebody who's confident and owns their space and doesn't even think about their height and then like that on top of a million other things you just like wait you're you're setting you're like not supposed to be as comfortable as you are there's such there's so much a it's powerful there's something about

that person that becomes this question mark and always having mystery about yourself like i think if it's a person you love too you should you should always they should always have some secrets that you never know like it's it's like nice it keeps them like their own thing forever it's great but like so if you have secrets or you have like which can even be like secret knowledge like why are you so confident i also think being like comfortable and confident in your own space like is a boon to everybody around you yeah you become an example of like it's it's infectious when you see somebody who's like not worried about those things and is really confident that no matter you're not judging them as much as like you you're not judging them the way you judge yourself and

you're just envious of that confidence and that confidence that person already had to overcome the same self-loathing feelings that you have everybody has those yeah and when you can shut that off and just give out that confident air of confidence like that's what that's what is detracts people yeah and i think there's a version of that confidence that invites other people in and says oh no no you can have this exactly it's not like i'm the best you're the worst it's like no we're all fucking awesome like we're all super hot go us yes yeah the sooner you can get over like all that energy energy expenditure about like just how bad and wrong you are in the universe and go like no i'm just in the universe it's not bad or good and if anyone like makes a comment being

like you're just not tall enough for me just be like okay cool well you're too tall for me yeah just say well you're too tall also you're too short you're too tall then thank you for telling me who you are what a miserable boring person who's like thank you for not having me waste all of my time to know that you care so much about yeah i'll tell you what if somebody's like if their deal breaker is like a certain amount of inches you're bad at sex okay i'm just gonna say that like flat out you're not present you're not here you're not experiencing no one can see sex know how tall you are when you're fucking horizontal absolutely come on you're fine yeah you'll be good you'll be good next one so I started seeing this guy at the beginning of the

summer I'm 20 he's 21 and when we first started talking I kind of told him that I'm very go with the flow um I can be in a relationship I can just hook up it just whatever falls in my lap whatever feels right that's what's good to me and so in the beginning we just kind of kept it hooking up getting to know each other very very simple and he expressed to me about a month month and a half in that that wasn't all that he was looking for with me um he did see a relationship in our future he liked a lot of things about me and made it very clear that just hooking up wasn't what he was interested in um and I was really flattered by that when he told me um I kind of switched my mindset um up about him and um ended up really liking him um he's really different than the guys

I normally date I think that's why I like him so much um however this entire summer he's been dealing with um a lot of things for instance his mom has um terminal terminally ill cancer um he also had an injury at work that was preventing him from working um making him not financially stable which I think made him a little bit insecure with us and so yeah a couple days ago I received a message from him about an hour before we're supposed to hang out and he was basically telling me that all of this stuff in his life is making him not emotionally physically available for a relationship right now and I understood it but I was just very confused because a couple weeks ago when he was telling me he wanted a relationship all of those

things that he had been dealing with were already a factor in his life he had already opened up to me about them didn't want to talk about that much but I was definitely aware that he had a lot of things going on but he made it very clear to me that he did want a relationship and so a couple weeks later I'm just very very confused why he's kind of starting to push me away he also doesn't really have a lot of close friends. So I worry that if he doesn't have me, he doesn't have an avenue to kind of express his feelings and open up about certain things. And that makes me worry for him. So right now I'm just kind of at a point where I'm very confused where to go from here, because if he does want space, I totally want to respect that. But I also feel like he's pushing

me away at a time where he really needs someone and i want to be there for him but i just don't know how because he is pushing me away but i just i don't really know how to handle this situation so any advice would help thank you thank you so much i dramatic it's dramatic it is dramatic but it's legitimately dramatic no that's like a lot of drama movie not like hair drama sometimes it's appropriate sometimes drama is like a meryl street movie yeah like a sad one this is a heavy one yeah it's young too she was saying they already were hooking up yeah and okay well i mean yeah well you want to go first yeah um i think my initial reaction here is again you're great i love you don't hate me it's so not about you and it's it's just not about you at all and i think

right now you're trying to make sense you're trying to make logical sense of something and trying to yeah trying to make logical sense of the things that you're hearing from somebody who's like dealing with a lot of grief and dealing with something that they don't even really understand they're they're learning how to deal with it as it's happening right so him saying that he wanted to have a relationship with you and all that stuff at that moment, he might've felt really okay to do that. And he might've felt competent and ready. And maybe there was a shift in your relationship and you guys were talking more and he was getting more invested in you and he was wanting to spend time with you. And maybe something he

was spending less time with his mom or thinking about all this stuff about how he has a limited a time with her and about how suddenly there was somebody who is going to be in his life who is going to take up time from somebody that he's not going to get that time back with that's very possible i don't and i think as much as you're saying he doesn't have a lot of friends and he doesn't really talk to a lot of people and he doesn't want to talk with you about it people grieve differently and one of the hardest things um from uh that i've i've had friends who lost family members from a long time coming and they have said that the hardest part was when they were still there and you have you're grieving somebody as they're still alive

and that becomes something that you can't really there's no right way to grieve talking about it not talking about it like opening up to friends not doing any of that it's really his journey and what he needs and the only thing that he needs from you is to hear what he's asking for and to just listen without prying and without prodding and then the last thing he needs right now is for you to be like but i thought you said you wanted to be in a relationship and i thought this is what you wanted and like this is not and i who knows what's going to happen in time but i think it's really mature of him to tell you be like you know what like now i'm really not ready for this and all that and then just listen and then

You guys will figure it out from there, but he doesn't sound like a bad guy at all He sounds like a guy who's going through a lot and has been super communicative with you and keeping you in the loop So there's not something that you don't know. He's told you his feelings when he had them his feelings changed For reasons that have nothing to pertain to you and he told you again so he's already being so much more communicative than so many people are yeah that i think what you do is you're like i hear you i really care about you like let me know if you need anything like i'm always here to listen but there's not you can't help somebody unless they seek help from you like just your presence being there as much as you think if you were in that situation

it would really help to have somebody and a friend that's not the case for everyone i do i think just pretty spot on i don't know i think it's like i mean the fact the wherewithal to be 21 as a male and and like have someone you're hooking up with and to go like i just don't think i can do this for real right now it's like what a gift what a nice person to do that uh in terms of like i wanna i was gonna say like this thing about like well we go he said this and now he's saying this and blah blah is like that's that thing where you're entering into the court of feelings again like the court of like what is right and what's not well he said this and not this i'm gonna to decode it even that alone gives you an answer he's conflicted he's confused he doesn't really

know what's going on and the ability for him to actually say out of all of that like i just don't think i can do this right now is like the rightest thing i would almost feel like weirder if like he was like yes this is definitely it because then you're his answer then like you're like the confusion because sometimes i think i did this when i was younger i would embrace a drama that made sense to me or was like an established kind of drama or like a romantic interest would become that was my focus if i figured that out or put my energy there i would never have to deal with my own bullshit or my own family bullshit or whatever like some people will do that like you know and make it way worse um i think for what you do i do think especially you know this

is a weird thing um this is not to get this extreme but like you know there were suicide things happening. And whenever a suicide happens of a public figure, a lot of people do this thing where they, they start going like, please just reach out, please reach out if things are tough for you and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I think that's funny. Cause it's kind of like in, in contrast to in regular life, we always say like cut toxic people out of your life. I don't have time. I don't have to answer a phone from a problematic person, you know? So it's like sort of mixed signals there. The way I think to like correctly interact with somebody, especially if they said something to you like this, cause it is possible. Some people don't, don't have the

tools to say like, I really do need help. I think there's nothing wrong with sending texts, you know, here and there being like, Hey, just, uh, how's everything going with your fam? And, you know, and you know, let me know if you want to hang out, do that, feel free to do that, but don't put any sort of like, I think stock or need or pressure for like a romantic or an answer or like, what are we, what are we doing? Or expectations for like spending time with me and like the attention that and also this sounds like a good guy who knows like i want to put in the time and energy in a relationship that it deserves and you are clearly the girl who deserves that and he sees that yeah and it's like i can't be that guy for you right now and i'm not gonna be the half-assed

version of that guy and so he's not he's not committing to something that he knows that he's ultimately not going to be happy with how how he's able to treat you and i think exactly like you said there's a way there's a way to show your support without asking for anything in return and it just has to be honest it has to be genuinely you just saying hey i'm here if you want a friend yeah not as like a sneaky way to actually have a relationship or to be like why didn't he text me back i asked if he was okay maybe he's like just just those those you know what i mean like you i mean you sound like a supportive thoughtful person that's probably very appealing in a time when you're feeling like really unsettled and the fact that he would have the ability to go like

but it doesn't seem appropriate or whatever it is is like a real gift that's a really like thoughtful person okay is it producer's corner time this is what is this this is when you have like a really good one right is that what this one depends it depends it can be her favorite it can be somebody who has advice pertaining to one of the other calls we gave advice on right they've got some better or personal experience usually um and then sometimes it's a callback update for somebody yeah oh yeah last time i think it was an update yeah so this is someone calling with uh some similar experiences from the episode with brie s right um that's a juicy one it was but this is um the caller that her uh boyfriend was extroverted and um she was introverted and

didn't know how to go about going into a social situation. Wasn't this one who was texting his friends? Yeah. You are correct. What happened? His friends she like went through his phone which she was like I'm so sorry and I was like dude it's fine you can go through his phone. Do you think that? I think if you I think if you want to go through someone's

phone there's a reason why you want to go through their phone and you're going to find it. Well that's so funny because I say the same thing. I was like if you're looking for something you're going to find it. You're going to find what you're looking for. But my point is like I don't I think you'll find it no matter meaning like it can be a harmless exchange with somebody that you don't trust or whatever it can be like haha i'm friends with this person's girl and you'll be like oh like i just don't think

there's any way that results in you not being in pain no but i think if you're but you're if you're looking through someone's phone you're already in pain that's what i mean like you don't go you don't innocently go through yes i'm just saying i i disagree i'm on the other side of the fence of like so don't do it like i don't think you're gonna get like i think people need that private space to talk how they talk no you're never gonna look at it blah blah blah and that like that, I think that exists. That's how I feel, you know, NSA. I don't want to tap my phone. Yeah. You might just be venting for one thing completely. It's not the same. It's not how you feel all the time. Why would you be looking? That's my thing. I think if you're looking at

something that you've been stewing on for more than just a minute, it's not like, oh, my girlfriend's like, oh, I can't, she's being kind of like, well, no, because I think, because I think it would be easier to be like, oh, like, let's say the simplest one, right. Is like, he's cheating or like, or there's somebody else he likes or something like that. And that's why he's being so cold to me he met somebody else and that's what it is and blah blah because it's easier to say that that's the reason then go like well what's what am i doing like why i'm unhappy in this relationship we're unhappy i'm not a fun cool person to be around because i'm not dealing with my own thing you know i mean like it's it gives you a reason to externalize your problems instead

of just like dealing with whatever i would also say i don't know any girl who's been like my boyfriend's being if the only time i've had friends and only time i've ever looked through boyfriend's phone wasn't like oh what's wrong it was like no there have been hints like i can tell that you were lying about something it's usually that it's less about like oh you've been distant it's like you catch somebody in one lie and then you go through their phone i have been in the situation and i've had close male friends in the situation where they're being accused of cheating like incessantly when they're doing nothing of the sort yeah and it gives you to the place and like there will be things they'll find like this must be this because you're friendly with this

girl whatever and you just end up being like i might as well just start cheating because i'm getting punched for it anyway and so that feeling of like you'll find what you're looking for is like there will always be something to like fuel the fires of whatever insecurity you are yeah but that usually comes from a past relationship behind every crazy girl is the guy who made her that way do you think that i genuinely just a dad that made you that way no it's anyone anyone any any person in your life that's like the pinterest cliche phrase but no i think post different relationships and stuff like i started relationships like there i've been in i've gotten like some relationships i've been in where i like wasn't jealous at all and then i grow to be

jealous and i grow to be crazy and then i'll start a new relationship and i'm not like that at all and then there's all these things that i'm like oh this reminds me of this boyfriend who did this to me and so now this is how like my thinking like that behind every crazy girl a guy who made her that way that's like the pinterest i love this like uh toxic heteronormative the guy version of that the other side of that i think is the one that's like no matter how hot a girl is there's some guy out there tired of her bullshit and i think like that's those are just fun like horrible i mean horrible like toxic disclaimer but very very very terrible anyway so that's funny i'm just i mean you know what i mean that's what i'm saying is like you might think you have a

reason we're both on the other side i'm the girl who's found shit and then you were the guy who's like well you didn't find anything okay yes and i will say on me the thing that's bad would be like if you are in that situation where you're getting accused of stuff all the time that's not true or like they think things like you're friendly with somebody they're like why are you flirting you end up you end up I end up creating like little dishonesties where I'm like okay well I'll just put it through the filter of like what it means to you that can end up being like um yeah we're just friends even though we like slept together or something like that at some point because like it didn't mean anything to me I don't know so I'm just going to tell you we're

just friends because to you it'll think like we're an old flame exactly and that's like not good either so as long as like honest just honesty always and let people sort out for themselves what it means and try to communicate but i also think let people have secrets don't go dig to their phone they need private space that's me you'll find things you don't want to find you will find things you don't you very much well okay speaking of that anyway well this is someone that's had like similar experience but from a different perspective hi megan i'm responding to the don't blame me episode 36 um about the girl who had an extroverted boyfriend and she was an introvert um so I am like in the opposite position so I'm the extrovert in my relationship and my

boyfriend is an introvert um he and I have been dating for over three years now and yeah we like early on because I knew that he was an introvert we kind of worked out what the boundaries were um and so basically I really liked going to parties and going to gigs with my friends but I also knew that he would be uncomfortable so like early on I would invite him to gigs that my friends were playing in the bands and um I he was always like oh I don't really know and I said to him look like let's go for a couple songs I at least want to like see them play one or two songs and then we can go straight after that or if you really need to go like we can have a code word and you can say that and we'll go um and so we'd be hanging out and stuff and yeah he would say the

code word and I'd be like, cool, let's go. And often I'd only get to listen to maybe one or two songs if I was lucky, but that was totally fine, you know, because I'd invited him out and I needed to respect his boundaries. And so if I was going to do that, I also needed to be prepared to have to leave earlier than I might want to. But also in saying that, you know, if there were gigs that I really wanted to stay for the whole thing, then I would just, you know, invite another friend of mine who was extroverted and would enjoy being at that. And he was totally fine with me going. like there was never that issue of him being like oh like you're always going out without me because you know he didn't necessarily enjoy that but he knew I didn't didn't want to stop me so I think

just having that open dialogue and like um I find something as well that helps is planning stuff at home so um I find that he likes it when we invite a small group of friends like four or five friends over for like a board game night or something and I get my social interaction from that um but he doesn't get too overwhelmed because he's kind of he's at home and he's in control and he can kind of know what's going to happen and know who's going to be there um and I think that really helps as well when he's in a place that he's comfortable and he's kind of helped organize it so maybe give that a go but yeah I think definitely just having that open dialogue and just making sure you're both comfortable and that you know when you want to do something that the other's

not comfortable with that you may need to compromise and being okay with that so yeah I i hope everything works out bye oh it's lovely i mean that's healthy as fuck yeah that's very healthy great i think that's a good we we talked about in the episode about how there's rarely a time where you will two people will date who are the exact same level of social right where it's like everybody kind of falls onto like the um i enjoy these kind of social social situations more than this and this and this and as long as you guys are both respectful of each other's boundaries yeah i mean it's hard i'm the antisocial one or i've also learned that antisocial is like a serial killer thing that you can't you're not supposed to say that it used to be anti uh antisocial like

the definition it's like um so you know what i mean like uh anti like i know what you mean like you are like you just like you don't have like empathy like you don't have like a sense you're not part of like any kind of societal connection yeah and it's something that they will diagnose like serial killers like antisocial disorder i was watching some bbc show about these these people who live in alaska like they're it's like individual people who like live like up at the arctic circle and some of those people you're like they're antisocial like they really want to be alone in a cabin living off the land with no one for hundreds of years is that yes but you're not like that you're just like there's like antisocial and then antisocial personality

disorder oh okay great cool yeah awesome so i can still say i'm antisocial without being like also colloquial you know you get it i don't know some things is like if you make sounds in syllables with your breath and your mouth and i know what they mean then great we've communicated amazing language um but yeah so i i think uh yeah i think everybody's got the relationship trade-offs and yeah i think like the sooner you like the the best relationships i witness and that i've been a part of are when you really are individual people who like like to spend time together and a lot like you know that not being like when i was younger i think i really wanted my relationships to match up like having hobbies that were similar oh yeah just all kinds

of stuff you know we spent all this time blah blah and then it's too much time to spend too much time too much time you gotta keep those secrets i think you gotta keep those secrets i really do believe that i also think like um i do think like if you are very busy people who like it's hard to see each other sometimes then it's nice to have like little hobbies in common because like it's an it's a thing to do together like but you can start those things to do like yeah you can't you don't have it doesn't be like individual interests that you both happen to share and then want to totally do together yeah the thing about like i think it's so healthy to be like someone likes to go to concerts and you don't and they go to concerts with their friends and

stay home fine yeah it's great i hope that girl who had originally called in i hope that situation is doing better with your boyfriend and if it's not as you can hear from you've heard on one episode of us saying it you've heard the callback and us saying it again that you shouldn't ever be with somebody who's trying to pressure you to do something you're uncomfortable with okay guys that's our episode great oh my gosh well jared where can people find you and where can people listen to your podcast yeah thank you um uh you find me at jared underscore sleeper on instagram is like the really the only social media left that i like care about at all i think like um and then um but i do this podcast called my good bad brain which was uh in the in

the wake of realizing I had ADHD, realizing it took me until I was 32 to actually go see a doctor about it, despite thinking of myself as a very like woo-woo, you know, thoughtful person. I started this podcast about just talking to people like you or, you know, random people or just myself about our, you know, I think everyone has an authority on your own experience, what your brain does to you, why it's good and why it's bad and the sort of mental health stuff you struggle with. So check that out. It's iTunes, it's all over the place or patreon.com slash my good bad brain you can find it there too just search my good bad brain you'll find it it's fun i'm gonna be a guest one soon yeah yeah yeah yeah sometimes it's uh with guests and we just talk

about that like they're it's very existential it's kind of just freewheeling talky stuff like i always like those podcasts that just like talk for like like you know you don't even have to pay attention always you like listen for a few hours uh five hours yeah i mean like a little bit i literally was like joe rogan is like this huge popular podcast people just talk for three hours on there nobody and i was like and i kind of like that yeah um so it's like that sometimes and then sometimes i call them brain breathers where it's literally just me like noodling about my week and what my brain's been doing to me and you know they may find some value in that oh hell yeah try it out uh and if you guys want to follow melissa and i our socials are down below along

with the uh website don't blame me dot show guys check it out figure out where to listen to it if you're already listening to it on itunes hey leave a review and subscribe and if you're watching on youtube and you haven't subscribed on the apple podcast app go do that if you want to watch it again just want to ingest it twice there are some people who've been saying that they listen to it and then they watch it oh nice um and uh if you guys have a if you're a previous caller who has had a callback or you previous caller who's continued to like live your life and maybe you've done some of the stuff or the advice that we gave we would love to hear an update from you or if you just have like a you know maybe maybe it was about a breakup and then you got a new

boyfriend and just like we'd love to know so give us a call at 310-694-0976 and also you can give us a call if you need advice on anything in your life maybe you have some commentary on some of the advice that we gave in this episode or a previous one that you'd like us to include and uh we will see you guys next week oh we have an instagram follow us don't blame me sorry it's in the notes too it's in the notes don't blah meme pod okay bye guys don't blame me is a production by me produced directed and edited by melissa demont post production sound by chris henry production assistant julie carley and music by giacomo picasso and ryan hunter i'll see you guys next week and don't blame me if your life you know

completely fucks up before then oh