Don't Blame Me! - S3E10: Guest: Kelsey Darragh - Not Touched Enough

Episode Date: February 4, 2019

**TRIGGER WARNING** - Question 3 is about rape. Kelsey Darragh is here this week to share advice! We’re answering your questions on how to get over your ex that you have a child with, supporting your boyfriend with an estranged father, forgiving your friend who sexually assaulted his girlfriend, and how to  ignore your aunt who pretends to be your murdered grandfather’s biggest fan. We also have a listener sharing her advice on how not to compare yourself to other people. Follow Us! @dontblamemepod @meghanrienks @kelseydarragh @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Nurx, The Real Real, BioClarity, Hourglass Cosmetics, and Kopari. Click Here for Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo) Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

okay hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me and oh my god i need to fucking ask you how to pronounce your last name oh no worries it's dara like i dare you dara yeah a lot of people say dara darga dahar yeah i was gonna i was gonna pronounce every letter in there just to like cover it as long as you don't call me hussy that's what i always say call you what do hussy it's a it's a joke from like 1970 don't judge me based on that opening just don't call me kelsey i was like what the fuck what do you mean you can call me anything really i'll respond oh my god well it's kelsey darrah just in case you are worried okay guys kelsey darrah that's kind of do it every time like that how do you say yours megan rinks like

ice skating rinks oh i know there's two what the fuck is up with our ancestors why do they do that Dude, I don't know. Ranks. Yeah, just take out the E and then just make it look like the word rink. And then also then I can be like Jenna Rink from 13 going on 30. Cute. Right? And it would all be full circle because my boyfriend's name is Moths

and Matt is, his name is Mark Ruffalo is named Matt in Matt and he looks like Mark Ruffalo. Exactly like Mark Ruffalo. We just got like a deep web here. Yeah, it's like a whole thing. Wait, you spell your Megan with an H. Yeah. My sister's Megan without an H.

Oh, it's that short. Mine too. It's such a short way to do it. Wow, that's weird. Is her middle name Elizabeth? No. Okay. Oh, that'd be crazy.

Anyone's middle name Elizabeth? I just feel like Meg Elizabeth is so many people's names. Are you guys Irish? 100%. Okay, but no H? No H. Wait, is that an Irish name? I don't know.

That's what my dad told me. But maybe it's a lie. Dad's a liar. He may be. Is it ranks? No, that's Dutch. Got it. Allegedly.

Well, now that we know each other's genealogy. Yeah, wait, what's your zodiac sign before we finish this part? I'm so glad you asked. It's a Leo. You're a Leo? When's your birthday? August 16th. Oh, my God.

What are you? Zach was just here, and he's a Leo, and I'm a Leo, and my birthday's August 4th. Oh, my God. Oh, God. So many Leos in one room. It's my favorite slash very, like, nervous place to be. It means it's a long episode. This is the podcast, guys.

It's Don't Blame Me. It's an advice podcast. If you are new here, this is where we listen to voicemails of not just the, and full stop. We listen to voicemails. You guys leave us voicemails about the things happening in your life, and we give our advice. and if you want to call in the phone number is 310-694-0976 and international listeners can email an audio file to meganpodcast at gmail.com so it's going to be um a lot of advice giving i'm excited do you memorize that number just because you've done this so much yeah it took a

it it shouldn't have taken me so long the fact that anyone our age can memorize a phone number to me is actually a special talent so here's the thing though if i let's say i got some sort of emergency happened i lost my phone you fucked i'm the only number i can call is the podcast number or my best friend who lives in san francisco i don't have my boyfriend's number memorized i have nothing like we've always had like i go to jail my one call would probably be to the no offense my best friend's in me it'd probably be to the podcast so are you if someone likes checking that out to make sure she's okay okay cool so if you don't hear from megan for two days like text me and i'd be like okay i'm going to jail

that's hilarious okay shall we listen to some uh some give some advice yeah let's do it hi my name is oh i'm not telling you my name but i am 22 i was currently listening to the episode that you had taped with a foot and um you had brought up um kind of something when you were talking to the caller who had actually called back about advice about the episode with the former when she was giving advice to somebody else who ended up giving her advice on her ex um I was calling because um I have some advice that I need on my own and it just brought up something that I had in mind because I've noticed a lot on your podcast that when uh people have any problems with exes it's like usually if it's not productive kind of cut them out of your life

but in my situation um I had a really toxic ex and him and I you know we went through a whole relationship with him you know threatening suicide and um all that stuff and i can now be out of it identify all the toxic parts of it however him and i have a real daughter together so i really can't just fully cut him out of my life even though i know that was the best for me because my daughter has to have her dad in his life or in her life right and um he's a really good dad and he's really productive and you know we work out well and in that case but i'm having the hardest time especially since now he is in a new relationship um he recently got in a new relationship and let me know and all that good stuff and i have been taking it super hard um

super emotionally because i think in my head i thought that maybe you know someday down the line he would turn around and want us all to be a family together again and um because we've tried the dating thing it didn't work especially after we had our daughter um and it just hasn't worked out for us but i'm having a really hard time that he's the one that's leading the relationship first you know getting over him and being okay and letting him move on but i am still very sad and it feels like i'm letting go of the family and that relationship is tough to kind of let go of um because there is so much history so i was just wondering if you have any advice on how to get over an ex especially when you still have to be around them you still have ties to them especially

having kids with them and he may not have direct advice but if you have any advice that could help um me kind of get over him and manage my feelings even though i have to be in touch with him all the time um for our daughter but how to kind of get over him and move on with my life that'd be great thank you megan oh that's that's that's rough that's tough i mean i like i don't relate on like the kid level but like i so understand like there have been times where like i've been the one to like recognize the relationship is bad or instigate a breakup and then if that person moves on faster than me like i'm still and then suddenly hurt because and i think that's what's happening i'm not saying like you're like rationally saying like yes like i'm aware of all these toxic things

but then when someone else moves on i think what you first of all need to like recognize is the fact that like a him dating somebody else and everything like that it's not him choosing that over the family if he still wants to be like he told you about the new relationship like he's going through kind of all of that process um and he's still like being a great dad so he's not choosing that over this i think what you need to and this is like not just like shit talk any like him or like the girl or anything like that right now it sounds like you think that he got all of his shit together and this girl gets to have the great version of him you don't know that like if he hasn't put the work in she might be ending up in a similar position as you and then also

sometimes some people aren't toxic but some relationships are toxic and two people together so maybe he's the same way but not that again like not that this is on you but like you guys maybe just were really toxic for each other and this other relationship it's not gonna be like that and that's not anything you would have ever been able to do and it's not him changing or this is gonna be the same like toxic thing but like don't i think the biggest hang-up is you probably have is like feeling like she's getting the better version like like in a making of superficial way like i had friends who like dated guys and like then they like broke up and they got like hella fucking hot and then the next girl's like are you fucking kidding me like you got this guy or like

someone who like didn't want to have sex or like didn't go down on girls or whatever and then like got that with the next person and like i in college and my college boyfriend like he dumped me and i was like so upset and then the next but he was like the guy who like never like he like didn't told me there's like oh like commitment things like I'm not really into that and then like immediately after started dating another girl and then all of the things he was able to do and for so long I was like well why couldn't I have done why couldn't you have done it with me and it was like well no it's not about me it was like their who they were were so different than how him and I were so I think like like knowing that because I think that's probably at least

for me if I was in that situation that's what would hurt because you feel like you're watching someone get what you didn't get. And of course you're only seeing the best parts of like that I'm assuming you're she said she's 22 like I'm sure these people have Instagrams, Facebooks, Twitters. Yeah. You're probably only seeing the best version of what they're doing together and that's gonna sting and she said something about like you were hoping one day he was gonna change maybe and want the family back together. I think someone can be a really great dad and be a shitty person like I don't think those things are together and knowing that like you saw his true colors and it's so cheesy but like when someone shows you who they are believe them and if you

saw what that is which is like you know those threatening suicide that stuff is exactly the definition of a toxic person yeah who's threatening and using that against you it's one thing if they don't know how to ask for help but to do it against someone that you care about and are building a life with and especially the mother of your child like i'm going to cancel you yeah i think you should know that like the other thing too is is when you do have to be in constant communication with someone you're maybe thinking taking texts or something else or having the excuse to text that person but for you and like your mental health my advice would be to keep that relationship as contained to the child as possible so not even like high emojis with like you know any bullshit

any fluff as if this person is your friend I think it's keep it that this is the father you are strictly talking about pickup times drop off times not sending any like photo like you can still raise someone and not have to have a relationship with that person at all at all yeah you know it doesn't even need to be friendly it can be like yeah just a person that you have to meet up with twice a week and I know it's tough but I'm kind of a yeah I'm the same and I think if you are having like a hard time with it like not like if you feel like I don't know like you you start to romanticize it or anything like that like have like one of your friends drive with you when you go drop your kid off and you see him or like have a friend with you in the car when you

pick her up like or him or her up daughter daughter or maybe who cares um pick them up and then the same thing of like if you have to text him and ask that and you're afraid of holding yourself accountable because I think you're exactly right like there should be no fluff there is none of those excuses because like you're going to be able to directly contrast as to how you used to talk to each other like fuck each other say fucking talk to each other true but like so it it does feel different and like it's easy to slip back into that routine um and so i think like even if you're just every time you text him to talk about literally the specifics have a friend with you as you're doing it be like please just make sure that i don't like start this

and i think the second that you clue other people in then they can also hold you responsible for it And they can also tell you, like, remind, like, you can be like, please remind me why we broke up and, like, why I'm not with this person. And they can do that for you. And then I think also, I think there's, like, a lot of, I think it's, and I say this as someone who doesn't even have kids, but I think it's a lot easier for men to date, like, fathers to date post breaking up than mothers. And I think he, you probably feel, which you shouldn't, but it's understandable. there's so much like mom guilt of being like she's your daughter's two years old and like he's moving on and able to but like there are still so many other things that like only a mom can do for their kid and I think like you need to like I think you as much like being a mom is

awesome and great I'm sure but like you also need to prioritize like yourself and moving on and throwing yourself into like oh I'm just gonna be like the greatest mom and the best mom forever and all that stuff like you're gonna do that regardless like that's awesome like you are like being a great mom you don't need to stress and worry about that and i think that like the more energy you can put into like another adult relationship whether like an adult relationship with yourself with your friends and like that because when you put all of this and you just have that right like not that i'm saying you have like all this just riding on your kid like that's also part of your ex like yeah that whole thing so like he's moving on and i i do believe like

at least for me like I am never fully over somebody and like feeling around to somebody else but like it's like maybe even that just means like getting back on dating apps and like having that because if the issue is is if you haven't dated anybody post him then like when his name pops up on your phone you're used to seeing like a flirty text like he's the guy that you would usually do that to and normally my advice is like find another guy so like you don't do that with this guy but you still have to talk to him so you need to there needs to be another part of your life that you can have those like put that those feelings towards because right now you had those feelings for him and he's not going to be able to be out of your life

and so now like like explore the other sides of it and don't feel don't feel guilty because I think I think that makes you a better mom like I think being like confident and independent and like really focusing on like being the best version of yourself I think really like helps and also um there's something to be said about like hooking up like yeah I think that could be like a really great thing yeah and not comparing anything of like your life to his just because he's now back in a relationship does not mean it's good does not mean it's healthy does not mean it's going to be successful like what you said about like you don't don't project an idea of what you think that relationship is you have to look at it you you shouldn't even look at it yeah you should

you know i'm not one to be like petty unfollows but if it's not positive to your timeline i love that mute but dude i've utilized it so many relations my gosh the amount of people that i don't have to be like i don't really like you but i can't tell you that right yeah it's amazing utilize it yeah and i i think exactly like you said though that there doesn't need to be don't feel like obliged to have any sort of like over fluff and politeness like you can you owe him shit exactly and like you you both are co-parent and all that's important is that he's a good dad to your daughter but him being good dad to your daughter should not rely on like you guys having a like friendship relationship it's hard because it's like you're supposed to

be the mother you're supposed to be the kind nurturing like all the biological bullshit that the books tell us does not mean you have to be that to him no like when he comes to pick him up it could be hello thank you and shut the door it doesn't need to be like how are you how's your new girlfriend you don't need to check in on him you don't owe him any energy yeah yeah and yeah and if you guys eventually get to that place then fine but you don't have to be there now yeah amen and i don't think it's realistic to be there when one of you is in a relationship especially if you're trying to cut cutting someone off is great if you can do it yeah i think it's a lot of faking it till you make it but i like what you said like if you need to pour over his shit for another couple

six months or whatever until you're back on yeah tinder do that yeah it's harder to pretend like you cut someone off like you're a bad bitch that just like Taylor slurs people out of your life but then you get drunk and you're like oh my god everything like don't don't don't lie to yourself too yeah yeah yeah so best of luck and yeah that's hard

yeah which I feel like I need I just now want to keep telling everybody like hey this does suck for you like just so you know it does dating someone's feelings like you said we've been conditioned to believe like we're crazy we're over sensitive it's somehow us being irrational but like nine times out of ten we promise you oh ten times out of ten i don't know i speak

from personal experience i'm wrong sometimes yeah i'm wrong sometimes but we will not admit that that was just no no no just hypothetically i've been wrong yeah in a hypothetical situation should we go on to the next yeah i'm just gonna keep hi megan and guests i just want to say that i love the podcast so i have a bit of a dilemma I am engaged. That's not the dilemma. I love my fiance and we're super excited to get married and can't wait. We're getting married in the fall. But our dilemma is with his father. His dad is very much an absent father and they've always had a strange relationship. They text maybe three, four times a year if it's a good year. But he has a wonderful stepfather who is very much his

father. His mom is absolutely lovely, so he's always had great parents in his life. Recently, his dad was arrested on felony charges, and it has to do with money. He didn't murder anyone or anything, but still, his dad could be a felon. The investigation is ongoing, so what we've been discussing lately is whether or not he's in jail by the time we get married. if he's not in jail should he come to the wedding I really don't like his father he's hurt my fiancee one too many times and I just think he's terrible person I refer to him as a sperm donor a lot my fiancee knows my feelings about this however I've repeatedly told him that I will support him with whatever

choice he makes and I really made that clear to him and you know that that's the truth and I will I will support whatever he wants to do I just think that my fiance is struggling because he knows that if he doesn't come to the wedding it's kind of the end of what could be a potential relationship for the two of them in the future and I don't know that he's ready to close that door yet and I don't entirely blame him because at the end of the day no matter what faults he may have or felony charges he's still his dad and I want to be respectful of that and it's kind of hard for me to imagine because I have two incredible parents so I can't really imagine what a terrible difficult situation he's in so we've had a lot of talks about it and they've

all been really like good and productive talks we haven't had any fights or anything about it but any advice that you could give on maybe how we should handle the situation and his father would be great thanks so much bye oh hi hi hi i like saw where that was going the second she said we were getting married but oh yeah no they're honestly it's kind of one of my favorite lead-ups and calls like so we're getting married but i'm like oh but what but what is there hiding that is so tough i didn't hear though in the call like how does the fiance actually feel he's torn like about like how he's got like he's got a great stepdad and he's like loves his mom and has a great relationship

with them but is torn because so the fiance doesn't know no no that what he wants to do right yeah no so it's more like she's going to be giving him gentle pushes in a direction where it really should be his she said that she would support him no matter what he decided but she just wants like we're giving them both advice apparently i don't know if he consented to that's giving advice that we're giving yeah um uh i think like uh i think like as much as your sperm donor jokes are really funny i think you just need to like unless he brings it up yeah i just wouldn't talk about it i wouldn't bring up his dad i wouldn't do anything about that because like for as often as you think about it i'm sure he thinks about it 10 times more and like you're

totally being very like sympathetic and understanding like how hard this must be for him considering how much how hard you feel it is for you and that's just like satellite being like i feel bad because it is hurting him so i would just say like really stand by what you say with like you're going to support whatever decision and by doing that don't bring it up and don't talk about it with him and i know you're planning a wedding and you kind of like i need to fucking know yeah and also like i understand the feeling of like i'm the kind of person like let's solve it fucking right now like let's just do this and like you just need to quiet that part of your brain and just like reserve however much extra ahead it is going to be for that like to

have him there reserve that have that aside like know that maybe even up until like the day before the fucking wedding he might change his mind either which way so i would say don't yeah i would just not talk about it until he's ready to talk about it and then also maybe yeah maybe he doesn't want to make a decision until the moment i mean like i don't know that whatever his process is going to be i think in order to fully support him you um i just think you you need to let him instigate everything and if he talks to you and it's like hey like what do you think like i i want to talk about this like i need some advice for like be there to like listen but i don't think bringing it up is um yeah I mean I can so relate to this problem because I have been

in a relationship before where I could not stand this person's brother whatever if he knows who he is I could not stand this person's brother and it like affected everything we did vacations we would take birthdays gatherings and like he would talk so much shit to me about his brother he'd be like my fucking brother did this yeah and i'd be like well then don't invite him to this thing and he'd be like i have to he's my brother and i'm like well then don't come to me and complain because i'm someone who takes on the emotional weight and gets angry because of course you love this person he's your fiance like you want to be mad for him you want to protect him you are now this new role in his life you're going to be his wife so of course you feel this responsibility to

do that but also he might be confiding in you because he is comfortable with you and wants someone to vent to and talk through these things but what he says to you shouldn't ultimately be a reflection of how you uh bounce back the advice to him yeah it shouldn't be like well if you fucking hate him and he's hurt you so many times in your life it's a no-brainer and i don't know how do you feel about like when people say weddings are for you not other people yeah yeah i i just i think like uh i i i just don't think i don't know i think weddings can be so tricky but i think they're like one day and i think like for no matter i think first of all i think the idea that his dad and him if he doesn't invite to the wedding that'd be the end of the relationship

i don't see that i don't like i i don't foresee that also happening you bring up such a good point that reminded me of something a friend said to me i have friends that are getting married i have a big event happening the same weekend like career changing event and i had to bring it up to them that there was a chance i might not be going to their wedding and it was like dead eyes and they were like okay we'll figure it out and my other friend looked at me who's married and she said they won't fucking realize if you are there or not unless you are the best man or like an integral part which it sounds like the father isn't really that involved anyway so it's not like he'd be missing a puzzle piece at the event he'd probably sit in the back at a table

and no one will fucking notice if he is there or not and to me it's like that made me lean more towards saying like maybe invite him because at the end of the day you're not going to you're gonna have so much other shit on your brain that day that if he's not there is it gonna make you think about it more or if he is there is it gonna make it think you know it's like what's the lesser of two evils and it's just one day like and it's like you don't have to for you not liking him as the bride if he was there like you don't have to talk to him and then but also like if your partner and your fiance like wants to do this because it's like a gesture in his mind then that needs to be fine but like no one person unless he's like gonna like you know like commit

a felony at the wedding like still you could get caught with weed and get a felony like come on there's nothing that any one person I like nothing that he could really do that I could see like because like that's the only time i would say don't invite somebody he's gonna ruin your wedding i don't see that and i think like the whole the thing is that what you just need to know and like because like coming from somebody who does not have a perfect family situation what you're saying about you having a perfect like your family being great and not understanding this for him the struggle he's having is like yes he has a great family but this to him it's not necessary he's not thinking about his dad in all of the actions that he's done he's thinking about the possibility

of who his dad could be and that's a hard thing to let go of like you really want people to live up to like society's expectations of what they're going to be in your life and like no matter how great of a stepdad that he has like i'm sure there's a part of him that still wants his dad to want to be a good dad and i think like whatever decision he makes is gonna be it you just need to let him do that for himself but i think like you might invite him and it might have been the wrong decision but in three years you won't remember that now you gotta keep us updated yeah what's a felon with money laundering or like illegal wiring there's it's the spectrum of felony is such bullshit i only know so much about this isn't from florida oh my god 1.4 million people

just got their voting rights back this midterm because they were felons whatever point is like yeah a felony is bad but there are so many things that can be in play here that doesn't make him a bad person it could be like wrong place wrong time got caught up with the wrong people in the wrong business yeah maybe they have a business manager that did some other shit like because when celebrities get in trouble for like taxes i'm like they're not they've never seen a bank statement yeah like they have hired people that fuck them over you know yeah oh wow tangent no where are you from florida tampa oh yeah i think that my my end cap advice would just be to uh yeah just listen to him and don't let him decide yeah and also he doesn't have to make

a decision do you mean like he can there's also i would also foresee potentially him not saying anything to his dad so not telling his dad by the way you're not invited and then also not telling his dad here's where you come and here's what this is and so by him not saying anything ask the dad could they could the son be like do you want to come to my wedding what if the dad's like oh grumble grumble like oh yeah it seems like maybe he's trying to get validation though from if he invites him and if he shows up then this will be yeah some way for them to move their relationship forward yeah i think uh uh you yeah i think also he talked to like the mom and the stepdad about it and all that yeah how are they gonna be about it yeah there's a lot of factors there there are and

i think that you and the advice that i would give him and this is what i try and do when i make decisions which i don't always do but i'm like what will make me happy like when this decision what will make me happy in the moment and what will like make me happy five years later like what is something that like i will try and like not because there's some some things that are like self-set like that they're like cathartic and great in the moment but you're like this mcdonald's yeah like this is gonna blow up in my face or this is not the right decision to make and there's like the quick fixes and sometimes this is like a little more painful to start but it's like better towards the end and like the long haul stuff so just telling him that because

if it's about, um, I think what he should do if he was calling in, I think it's more about preserving, uh, your feelings of guilt than about wanting what you want in return and what you want out of it. Because I think if it's more about, I'm going to feel really guilty if I didn't do this invite. So I really want to do it versus I really want to do this because I really want him to then like be my dad in my life again. Because I think if you're expecting something from someone, you're going to always be disappointed and i think it's better if it's preserving your own conscious and feeling like you know what i did my part and whatever else happens that's fine but now i feel like okay about doing this versus trying to do it just to just to get some sort of

validation from him um because i feel like that's when people usually disappoint you is when you expect things that's great advice doing it out of i like that i never thought about that because sometimes you do it just like that yeah especially if you're a people pleaser well best of luck and let us know how your wedding goes. Congrats. Congrats. Send pictures. Send updates. Yeah, I love wedding pictures. I want to know if this guy goes to jail. Me too. Okay. On to the next. Hi, Megan. I'm

22 years old and recently I've been dealing with some drama in my boyfriend's friend group. I don't really know most of his friends, but I do know one of them. He's one of my very very close friends and has been for a while. He's the one who introduced me and my boyfriend

and I knew that there was something going on with him and his ex-girlfriend that they've been fighting that there's been some sort of vague thing that's kind of divided this friend group but no one has been able to tell me that much about it and I like didn't really care also but recently my friend opened up to me and he told me that basically what happened is that there was a night I guess while he was dating this girl that I don't know like he got really drunk and they had sex even though she didn't want to have sex and that she didn't really think anything of it at the time I guess and neither did he until like after they broke up they probably broke up like a year and

a half ago um only in like the months kind of after they broke up did she really realize like kind of how she was really dealing with the repercussions of that and like how violated she really felt and how terrible that experience was for her and I like don't really know what to do in this situation in terms of like how to support my friend or if I don't support him like he's been really in my opinion like really mature about the whole thing and like has acknowledged that like that's what happened and is like I mean he's been pretty devastated about it I guess and like kind of can't believe that he ever could do this kind of thing and like didn't even realize that it was interpreted that way until like really recently um and I've never

been in a situation where I've known someone who potentially has like you know committed assault like I've only known girls that I know who have been through the situation and like we've always been like okay well like we cut that person out of our lives obviously because they're like toxic and horrific but like I I don't know this girl really and I do know my friend and I completely believe her it's not that I don't think that it happens like I totally do but I'm also seeing my friend now struggling and in pain because of his own like actions and he very much was like I like I understand if you never trust me again I was like you know that's not how it is but I just I don't really know if I is it like bad of me to like want to help him and you know I can never

get this girl's side of the story because I don't know her I can only know whatever my friend chooses to tell me so yeah I guess I'm just conflicted about like who I should be on the side of right now wow okay that is a lot yeah it's really it's I I think it's a unique perspective that I haven't heard this kind of situation happen to before especially it there's something in my stomach that makes me feel uncomfortable hearing how aware of it he is and like how apologetic he is because yeah part of me is like well maybe he's really sorry and then part of me is like if he knows what it is and what happened does that make him less wrong no right no yeah i'm i'm with you i and this like like so many of my guy friends like this is their biggest fear

and the amount of times that like my guy which they're like first of all if you had no if you knew who my guy they've run a podcast as my guy friends if you didn't fucking know them they're like these are the guys who like when they've stopped complimenting girls because they're they're like very much they've asked me like it's okay if I compliment someone on their outfit and I was like such it's fine like you can do that like that's okay and like that this literally for them they said like this is my biggest fear is someone that I've dated before like something that they're not comfortable with and the thing that I always tell them is I'm like so no if you're dating somebody and you know somebody well enough in a situation if they're gonna like

call you out or say something made you they made them uncomfortable for something if you're dating somebody you should know their levels of comfort and their boundaries i think that um if i'm i'm always real i'm always on the side of somebody who's gotten assaulted i think this is a very exactly it's a very unique case and my mind goes to so she wasn't comfortable having sex she got really drunk and they had had sex that if it was a if it was if she if this was a guy that she had just been at a bar and he didn't know that she wasn't safe she was like saving herself or something or wasn't comfortable having sex and she got too drunk and like too drunk to say too drunk to say no or like anything like that as her boyfriend and someone who dates her

and knows her levels of comfort and her boundaries the fact that to me it's taking advantage of an opportunity of someone when they're drunk and still going through with it because that's he knew sober her was not okay with it and i'm sure he was drunk too and there he didn't draw the line like that he's just he's coming to terms with the fact that he raped his own girlfriend which happens very often and people like it's coming out a year and a half later or whatever is what she's saying is that that is often what happens because you're like i'm in a relationship with i owe this person they they are a part of my me i i give them my you know whatever on the daily if you do or don't it doesn't matter but i can see the thinking behind that where he is now like

having to come to terms with that also not realizing what now she has to reconcile you know therapize through and like i i don't feel sad for him at all and i i great news the federal ev rebate is back eligible customers get up to five thousand dollars with the federal evap rebate on select 2027 volts and 2026 equinox ev models visit your local chevrolet dealer today for more details i think he's actually really lucky that he's someone who recognized that he did something wrong and moving forward like i hate when guys do that shit that you're talking about with your friends like oh can we do anything with women it was like no you shouldn't have and we live in a in an age group where guys did get away with so much and not even get away but like we're taught

to do treat women certain ways i think moving forward the only thing that will prove this guy's uh not innocence because he's not innocent but that he's changed is that if he actually fucking changes and can treat women better and like this also sounds like something that like it's a crime right like what happened is illegal and should police get involved and like that's what i'm thinking about so the fact that so the original aspect of this call is your friend groups divided because of this so her saying that she only knows one side and she doesn't know the girl so she can only know one side so what do you mean by the friends groups divided like are people divided based on his statement alone and like friends are like i'm done with you based on this

or do they have contact with the girl like who why are some people on staying with him why are why the people who are cutting him out i would say talk to those people and see what that is but my thing from the get like i've had like i've had like boyfriends or like guys yeah like boyfriends that i've dated and i like we've had sex before and i've been super we've both been drinking and i've been too drunk and they're like i love you but i'm not comfortable having sex with when you're this drunk i don't know if she's told him if she's the one who told him and is like coming to terms with then she's going to therapy and everything like that i think he should go to therapy i think that's something that he needs to work on like talking about it with like friends

and being like if you never trust me again and like that to me is also like a little attention melodramatic because you're not dating him like are you is he implying he's trying to get you to sympathize with him and be like I realized what I did is wrong like I'm a puppy with my tail between my legs and it's like if you have any friends that are still on his side I would also re-examine that friendship yeah because I think even from only hearing his side and not her side like both of us are being like I mean he that you took advantage of a situation you took advantage of your girlfriend and like there is that part of your mind like just like you're saying of like oh wow just because we're dating doesn't mean that that's an automatic consent all the time

and that so much happens in relationships that people aren't comfortable with and yes it probably did take her a while because she felt like oh no i can't claim that i feel uncomfortable because i chose to date you it's like the whole thing with consent is you have to consent every step of it like i can consent to go on a date with you but that doesn't mean i want to kiss you always but like the same thing like you can there are certain things like you everybody you've got a line where you want to cross like and just because you've said yes to up into that line doesn't mean that anything past that line is that that's a blanket yes statement for it all and so i would say talk to the friends who've cut him out completely and talk to them and hear that i would suggest to him

like i think like going to therapy would be great you really seem to be struggling with this like go to jail dog like she's lucky she's not but like dead ass like she's lucky she's not you know and she might she might like you know this stuff does come out years later i mean look at what's happened just even with like the kavanaugh situation and how like how that has in a way really it's divided people about the conversation about like you know the word taking advantage of is so interesting to me because it's like we not we like us but like the the media is is more lenient to say well like it's a cloudy area or like there's a gray area especially if you guys in a relationship or like you know call it what it is you know yeah it's rape that's what it was

and that's what happened to her and i think you have to make a decision for yourself as a woman do you want to be friends with a rapist yeah i'm sorry and maybe like he's gonna learn from this and i hope he does and he turned into a better person and he has successful relationships but to me it's like i'm again quick to cancel and when it's warranted i'm not like about cancel culture but like when someone shows you their true colors believe them yeah and just there's some to me it's also a little odd that he told you this like when someone says something that like remember like someone tells you like a story and they're they're they're telling it to you and you're supposed to they're thinking you're gonna feel bad for them but then you also start to think

that they're pretty guilty and then you're like wait but this is your side so like if i'm thinking that you're kind of to blame in your own story where you're the leading role like i can only imagine if somebody else from a third party or the other person affected were to tell the story because even when you think you're painting yourself in the best possible light if you can see that like there's a reason why you called it there's a reason why you feel a little uncomfortable and weird because you have a conscience yeah and he's not he you this is your boyfriend's friend and this is a friend group i it's her friend too because he introduced them oh right i just find it weird that he like that he told her that just like makes it like how does that even come up

and why and what is that like what do you gain from that and like because you're a woman he feels like he can dump a little bit on you probably to like get the okay from you if you give him the okay how do we know that he's like actually changed learned anything and if you feel so guilty and so torn up about it like would you tell some like that to me i'm like i if i felt so terrible about something like that like i would do everything i could to make it right with whoever whatever person in what way i could like not like never been in this situation but like yeah if i hurt somebody my reaction is to like holy fucking shit what can i do to fix this what can i do to never like hurt someone like that again and how can i like fix i how can i help

that person and how can i help myself i wouldn't i don't like i'd have too much pride to then tell other people about that kind of thing so for me it just seems like he's trying to get people on his side and i just i don't think he deserves yeah and again i think you should talk to the people who have cut him out and divided the friend she said she's not friends with the girl she doesn't know her but my first thing would be like is she okay like does she need support is she feeling like felt and heard and seen and and all of that and like imagine her looking at you know whatever your Instagram stories or whatever and seeing all of you guys out hanging out being cool like yeah I could never imagine how that must make another woman feel and so I would just look at it

from that standpoint of like what is this going to say about you also as a person like he might be a friend no one likes hearing that a close friend of yours no is now problematic fave like no one's yeah no that is happening to a lot of people right now and I think this is going to be like a big bookmark in your book of life like a big chapter in your book of life of how you're going to continue to either empathize and sympathize with men like that yeah and as much as you say you don't know this girl so you can't talk to her i like yeah i think there's something like i would feel like yeah like not to get like so personal in my life read my book but like there have been like I brought you a t-shirt too don't let me forget yeah um but yeah no there's

like when when you've been in various shitty situations with men and then you know there are people who know about what happened and then you see those especially women you see those women stand by you're like oh you're like holy fucking shit yeah I think like you at least for me having been in not the same situation but like it i like there are certain like i would have been hella fucking nice like to have like a like a girl who is a part of like a friend group be like hey like i just want to reach out see how you're doing like i just want to let you know i heard about all this stuff and like it's fucking like he like i really would just like if you want to talk like i just want to offer my support i'm really sorry i didn't know but but also she might

be like he's going around telling people well he is you know what i mean like maybe she should know that that like he is going on and like that's the outing her story which i like that was my first story right that was my first thought was like well what if she doesn't want people to know and it's like she he's telling people and you know maybe you can dm her with the caveat of like by the way this is completely between you and i yeah i don't know who else he's telling he he you know yeah he found me in confidence and i just want to let you know that when i heard it my first thought was not how can i help him but how can i help you yeah that's i think the and also like i like he's been he told me i don't know if he's told anybody else and it's dividing their

friend group so he has so clearly yeah and then just be like and i like i really like i don't think the i don't think this wasn't his thing to tell me this is something that was like happened to you and i like i don't want i like that's a tricky one you bring up a really good point because then it's almost like are you now trying to help her because you feel guilty for helping him and now you're bringing unwarranted uh trauma back to her where she's like i just i may be trying to deal i do think she deserves to know though because i think more than that like you're we're only hearing his side of it and i think if he wants to tell people then she has every right to know so then she can act or not do anything like she could then tell like and be like you

know what like thank you so much for reaching out like I would love to talk like it was really hard because I'm sure like does she knew her when they were dating like she maybe I don't know she kept saying I don't really know her but knew of her in a sense that like it wouldn't be weird to reach out and like I think like it might it might be nice for her and then also she can also be like turn you down but then she at least knows that he's telling people because that's like the hardest thing it's like now suddenly like it's like pity party for him and i can already hear the like well when do we forgive like do we ever forgive someone right because that was on my head it's like you know if this happened to you know my dad or i don't have a brother a brother a hypothetical

brother like do can you ever find in your heart a space to forgive and i think right now it's too soon even a year and a half after to really see they just broke up it sounds like to see if he's changed maybe you do reach out to her maybe you don't want to like bring up trauma to her again but my advice is he has shown his colors and until he can do the fucking work of proving that he's not and not in a creepy way of like i can't touch women but like just proving that he can have a successful i don't know i also don't want this guy around women yeah yeah that's that's what you should do for him because he doesn't understand make sure he goes consent that's what this boils down to it's like somebody who's not been comfortable with something for your entire

duration of your relationship gets drunk you're taking advantage of the opportunity that they're saying what you want to hear and that's it but that's that's like deep dna shit about you yeah that needs to change and like it's just yeah i and i exactly you're saying like when do we ever forgive people like i'm also like i'm not one to ever like i'm like if you've done something where you've like hurt anybody else like there's i think we give a lot of people like like we're not giving people enough credit of being like oh wow like situationally like it was a gray area like who would have known kind of thing i'm like me i would have known like i say one joke that i don't think lands i'm like oh god how did everyone read that i'm like you there's no way that you can shut down

anyone else's like reactions to things like that to me as i'm like i know that men are stupid but you're not that fucking stupid i mean he feels guilty about it now there's a reason why before he knew in that moment that it wasn't and that's exactly like earlier when i said like i'm quick to cancel but not in the sense of like cancel culture because i think that's its own problem but like right just for example with the kevin hart situation that's been happening recently it's like we did was it really that wrong like back then jokes were different the time was different and it's like do are we going to see change and what he has proven now maybe people were quick to just say like oh without knowing all the information fuck that guy he's done like

we're we're not watching his movies we're not doing this anymore it's like okay well first you really should get both sides of the story and in this situation you have gotten his side of the story which like you mentioned is the one the affliction and if he has admitted guilt well think girl you got facts you got receipts you got what you need to do to make a decision and can you forgive maybe i don't think right now no i don't think he should have i don't think he should have the sympathy i think he needs tough love of like fucking therapy and you're lucky your ass isn't in jail yeah and i think also it's the same thing we say with cheating like it's like what you what you know when the person tells you something it's 10 times worse and you don't know

a lot more shit and that's what this to me sounds like his side of the story which is painting him as best he fucking can is really fucking bad so imagine what the her side of the story is and yeah just support other women who knows yeah who knows if maybe her friends aren't being supportive or her family's not i think it's and talk to your boyfriend because it sounds like yeah this is a great time to have a talk about consent with your boyfriend yeah and just like to have your boyfriend also talk to the bros because like if it's divided your friend group i think you guys could really be like tentpole yeah like active i hate to say the word activist amongst friend group but like just a voice of reason amongst this like group of apparently shitty friends because half of them

are still being cool yeah and if there's a lot of girls in that friend group i think it's a great time for you guys to talk to because some of the girls might feel club yeah they might get together in a weird way yeah you know so well shit you can do it well best of luck do the hard thing as well you know yeah it's usually the right thing that's true did i just make that up yeah always put it sure do the hard that do the hard thing it's usually the right thing yeah fuck me life changes you hollywood nines yeah it does makes you jaded okay guys it's time for a quick break and we'll be right back so we're back from the break and uh we're gonna hop into the rest of calls hi megan so i'm 21 and just i don't know needed your advice on kind of what's going on

um so i have to give you some backstory before i get into my question um so my aunt um absolutely hated my grandma or no my grandpa who is my aunt's father-in-law um she would constantly say horrible and mean things about him and be condescending to him when she was with him and would refuse to invite him to family dinners and holidays. He was even diagnosed with stomach cancer and had to have surgery to remove a stomach, which was like a high risk, high fatality surgery. And he, she didn't even bother to come or to call or even to let my uncle see him, which is his dad in the hospital or anything. So in June, my grandpa was murdered by a guy who carjacked and kidnapped a lady and killed her while traveling across the country and then

carjacked and killed my grandpa. And he was caught. But my aunt is now using the drama and tragedy of my grandpa's murder to get attention. She's constantly talking about and posting on social media about how he was an amazing person. And she's so lucky to have known him. And she's devastated um that he's gone um and i know that if he would have died naturally or from a health issue or anything like that she would have said anything and would have just moved on so i guess i just don't know how to deal with her acting that way um because obviously that's gonna upset me um just because of how she acted and treated my grandpa before um and i was close to my grandpa and like took care of him after his surgery and everything and um knew that it upset him that she

treated him that way um normally I'm pretty patient and forgiving and don't like I'm not very confrontational and so things blow off my back pretty easily but I don't know this just gets under my skin um and kind of builds up um and I'm afraid like I'm also the kind of person that will just kind of blow up and become very confrontational and I don't want to do that to maintain the integrity of my family especially because my aunt is very manipulative and dramatic so if I was to say anything she would kind of cause the family to be torn apart and spend it to be my fault and that's kind of the last thing my family needs right now so I just don't know what to do or how to process the way she's acting

and just kind of wanted your advice on what what you would do or what you think I should do in the situation thank you gosh i'm so sorry what a terrible that's so sad that's so sad i'm so sorry dude um i think first i like to ease your like a little bit of your anger probably know that this is coming from guilt from like this a hundred percent like this is her trying to make up for the fact that she knew she was a fucking cunt and like that's what this is and i think also like you're saying if he had died for natural cause or something like that like i'm sure maybe she would have come to like there would she thought that she had time or something anything to like come to terms with it like it was really selfish and shitty of her and now that's she's trying to

like manifest into the world a relationship that they didn't have because she feels really guilty she wants to remember it differently or she this is probably like a high profile thing that's in their town if it was a carjacking and she wants attention either way like it's so to me it is that she is your aunt by marriage and we all have those fucking people who joined our family not by our choice and you're like what the fucking fuck i think in this case it's like real recognize real and if you hate her i'm sure there are mumbles amongst the family that like other people probably don't love this motherfucker and so i think it's like focus on what's important right now which is like standing with those people because she if she's a fake and if she really is doing it for

attention or like you know not in a in a way to actually grieve honestly I think that will come out and like it's annoying probably because you're like who the fuck is she to speak especially if it's in the media or like publicly about it because she just wants she wants that that comfort because she knows she's like you said an asshole like that she she needs someone else to give it to her since she can't get it yeah from the family probably i think you're right i think if it's if she's doing it just for attention the best thing you can do is give her absolutely no attention um if that's i think also like it's yeah it's like a probably like you're saying like a high profile case all that stuff i think um if unless there's

anything that like requires you to take action don't look at it don't read any articles about it don't don't like surround yourself with that because also like that's it's i don't know i also find like things like that when people write about accidents and people dying and stuff like it's it's very like black and white and there's not a lot of emotion and like empathy sympathy for what's happened because it's the news and it can't really it doesn't really and that's not what you need because they're never even even if she wasn't there they're not going to describe your grant like who he was like do i mean like so i'd say just stay away from that stuff just in general and the same thing with her like mute her on social media like don't like do not like see

any of that stuff if any of your anyone brings it up to you like did you see this you're like you know what I'm really trying not to talk about her or like look at that stuff so like I'd really prefer we didn't talk about it and you give her no attention and I think then she'll stop like I think if she's not getting like any of that and then also if your family's not going to give her that not not like if she's going to do that amongst people who aren't in the family fine whatever um but it's only about when she's you're you're surrounded by her in person and then you just like smile and ignore it and just know how much he'd be rolling his eyes at the situation and i don't or like comment on her facebook post like liar like you can just call it fuck it out

like the whole family like isn't that so annoying if you saw someone like literally just on social media lying and you're like that's not true i don't know that i'm mature enough to not say some shit like publicly in all caps with an emoji so it stands out but i would say like if you're a better person than me lean on your family in this time like it sounds like you have an uncle you mentioned your family like maybe talking shit about her to them might make you feel better like if all of them are like she's fucking crazy huh like maybe let it like leave it up to an adult who might be able to get through to her in a more serious way like whatever her name is i just imagine being betsy like betsy fucking stop right like aren't the worst people

named betsy yeah like cows or feel like yeah oh yeah cows they didn't do anything i think there's a cartoon cow named bet somewhat or like yeah i don't know anyways betsy will get handled i think by if you guys come in numbers with family it's not up to you you don't have to bear the weight of this annoying ass fucking thing because i can only imagine because if it was my aunt betsy doing that shit but what if aunt betsy has kids with the uncle that she likes and the uncle that she likes and the kids are all separate to them i think it needs to be like a group setting i don't think he needs to divorce her but i think someone needs to fucking shut her up i think the thing with people who do things for attention though even negative attention and

telling them to stop is still that validation of like they're getting attention secret like do it at like you know the funeral or like when you guys get together for church or some shit like do it when she's not around and then like maybe that'll if it's cathartic i say do it as somebody who's like the most revengeful i'm too petty for this i'm so fucking petty and i've learned that a petty game without an end is just draining for me like there are things that are cathartic when they're cathartic to a means of an end of being like i'm gonna do this i'm gonna do this and then i'm gonna be like fuck this i'm done but if it's an ongoing thing the more you insert yourself in it like at least from my person the more i've inserted myself in it and done things in the moment that i'm like

oh my god this is so cathartic i'm like well now i'm fucking thinking about it like yeah i wasn't even fucking thinking about it and like it felt good but now i'm like well shit like i don't like you just need out of sight out of mind yeah and so i think there's something to be said about like just ignoring something like that and like people who crave attention when they're once they're ignored they're going to seek for that attention somewhere else yeah and it's then it's going to be she's no longer getting this attention surrounding this it's going to be something else and it sounds like this is kind of her personality and she's done this but like she did this prior like she wanted the attention of like shit talking him and now she wants the

attention this way so i think like the best thing that you can do is like just like smile and ignore her and that's gonna drive her fucking crazy if like she goes on off the thing you're like yeah cool anyways anyone yeah sweet potato that's going to drive her crazy and it's going to make her look even more crazy than she is because people are gonna see that that's why she's doing it and there is something cathartic also about not engaging with someone who desperately is like trying to rile you up and not giving them that satisfaction i know it doesn't sound as delicious because as a petty revengeful person like i'm like no fuck that until it's happened and you've done it then you're like oh no this feels good too it's a different kind of body high yeah I get

that I think if someone's like doing something personally to me yeah that's the tactic I would take because that's like hello yeah like we know how to deal with that it's like you don't feed the trolls but I I'm just trying to see it from a point of view of like if it is a public case and it is on the news and you keep seeing your fucking aunt Betsy on there like he was a great I could that would drive me crazy no I I would I yeah I even if you mute right like out of sight out of mind I'm like out of sight what's she fucking doing no I know she's still talking to people is she still talking shit like yeah I'm gonna like find her somehow but I don't know I I imagine how frustrated this girl must be just like because it's not like she's doing it to her

no exactly but it's like she's just posting it for the world it's like how do you tell the world like how do you set the record straight for the world you can't no it's true and anyone's gonna believe what they want to believe and if they decide to like you know like pay attention and like listen to what she's saying then like that's on them I guess it's right it's like at the end of the day what's the worst that Aunt Betsy's getting is attention yeah is that the worst thing that's happening exactly and I'm sure you're not the I guarantee you're not the only one in your family who feels like this yeah and like if everyone if every if the at least you know one person like maybe like one one of your immediate family members who also feels this way maybe you

guys can talk about it and see if they're like oh yeah i just like ignore and tune out you're like okay cool so i'm not alone maybe yeah maybe it feels like you're the only person who's hearing this and everybody else is just tuning her out and just letting her be crazy and knowing that it's lies maybe you just need someone else in your family to tell you like oh no we know she's yeah it's you're fine we got you we all agree yeah that there's strength in numbers i think so totally so i would just say do your best to uh ignore it and not completely blow up at her at like a family function go talk shit with your family and then that way you won't blow up or get a therapist and talk to it it's one of the greatest things about having a therapist is that

you can yell at them and they're like or just like talk about other people like fuck this person they're like okay yeah don't talk about you now no do that more this has been therapeutic for me i've learned a lot about the way that i think by doing this oh i've learned a lot about my i don't know what if i like what i've learned about myself from doing this podcast we don't always have to but just being aware is the first step yeah but yeah i'm sorry that fucking sucks i would that would drive me insane yeah drive me just don't get in a facebook fight because i've done that too oh not especially with like a 60 year old woman see uh fuck they are the most savvy they are the most vitriol like they respond so fast nothing but time so don't engage in that absolutely stay

away from that for sure uh on to the next or is it on to the next it's on to the next i'll choose on to the next five hi nagan um i am 25 i've been with my boyfriend for almost two years um we i don't even know where to begin so we moved in together probably like nine months into our relationship so we're we didn't really know each other that well before we got a little serious whatever my problem is i'm someone who if you look at love languages and stuff like that physical touch is mine and his is at the service so me doing the dishes or something is good for him but for me i need to be cuddled or like had sex with pretty much um the problem is he's 26 and he says that he got all of his sex and all that stuff out of like his system when he was younger

because I guess he was like a fuck boy but I still want that like all the time and I it's more like in a loving way it's not even that I'm like horny all the time but it's more like I want him to show me he loves me and I want to feel like I'm attractive and like he wants me in that way which I know is like a whole nother issue for myself but um so I see a therapist about all this and he keeps saying things like, do you think that your boyfriend can be what you want him to be in that area? And it's been almost two years, and nothing's really changed. And it's kind of like if me and my boyfriend have sex on a Wednesday, we've kind of met

our quota for the week, and I won't even expect it to happen for another week after that. And I know we're almost two years into the relationship, but it's been this way since the beginning, and I just am someone who wants sex a lot more than that. So I just don't know, like, what to do, because other than that, he's great, and, like, I want to marry him but like we really don't have sex enough at all for me but for him it is I don't want to pressure him or make him feel bad but that's usually what ends up happening so if you have any advice and I know you're probably the same masturbate and I do that too but it's just not the same and I think it's different for me because it's not about like an orgasm it's about

like doing something loving with a person so if you have any advice I'd appreciate it thank you i didn't hear if they've really talked about it in in depth rather than like more so than him just saying like i don't really have a sex drive that is an excuse it's an excuse because men have a problem it just depends talking about their sex no it just depends oh talking about sex yeah like if he's like i just don't want to fuck you because i fucked all my jizz out that's not true no but he might just have a lower sex drive and that's what that is yeah it's an excuse for him saying i have a low sex drive it sounds like he probably needs to therapize what it actually really like if because then she's going am i not attractive is does he not love me does he not want

to touch me when all of those things are him it's actually him well because here's what i so i think like i think saying that like oh i got my like sex out of my system i was a fuck boy thing that i don't think you can get sex out of your system but i think that like his sex drive can lower yeah especially when you get a relationship and his hormones like especially if he like younger so if he's attributing like i was a fuck boy in my younger days i was really horny like that's hormones like and then he got older and those hormones like settled down and when you get into a relationship men do tend to their sex drives do lower yeah and i think their comfort and there and there's something that like ever like if it's like a fucking spectrum of 100 like

everybody's sex drive is a completely different number and like you probably want to get within like 10 or 20 numbers of like your partner you're not going to be at the exact same page all the time but like it's it's okay to have a lower sex drive and it's okay to have a higher sex drive and it's also it's okay you can make it work but it's also okay like to not want to make it work and i think like the biggest thing like my like my uh love language number one love language is it's like physical touch mine is words of affirmation okay yeah so so i think that's a good like so the thing with physical touch and i get what she's saying about like it's not just like sex but it's like yeah feeling like physical yeah but if he's not super like touchy touchy in

general then this does turn into the then the physical that then the physical touch only is expressing itself through sex because he's not being physical with you in other instances so it might not even be about like oh we never have sex but it's like no i just like want a hot like i want more physical touch it doesn't need to be like sexual about yeah it doesn't need to be about your sex drive and anything like that like you might feel like you're saying it's not about you being horny like i completely understand like i'm the same way and it does if you've talked to him you said you talked to your therapist about which is great but if you've talked to him about like hey this is make him fucking take the quiz like i mean sounds like he does no i think the love

language would literally save everyone like yeah and i get the the touch thing touches home for me because I dated someone who was not PDA and this is someone that I thought I was going to like marry be with forever. And they told me that I just believed in a fairy tale that like that wasn't out there. Like what you, your expectations aren't realistic for this relationship. And I went into a lot of like my later twenties being like, I'm just unreasonable with my needs. I should really lower my expectations. And the guy that I am with now somehow is more physical touch than me which like his love language is physical that and I my mind was blown that someone could actually yeah give me what I was looking for even though I wouldn't really always verbalize it but

it it made me so unhappy in other parts of our relationship when you are missing that chunk of your love language so maybe it isn't physical attachment for someone it could be acts of service and like if you're missing that all the way often that can affect the relationship all the way around and I think it sounds like she's kind of at a point where she it's becoming a problem because she said it's always been this way yeah and you probably make excuses for yourself make excuses for the other person but like if you're only two years in imagine five years in like you can't continue on the path that you're on now yeah and love languages is it's how you received love so if you're not receiving love in the way that you see it you don't feel loved

and like the one of the so and this is what i will say about god i hate to be like the tough love of this but people i believe people can change when it comes to things so my boyfriend's number one love language is words of affirmation mine is physical touch physical touch is so low on his like might be the last one like not a pda person nothing like that but because it's important to me he will totally do that for me and there are some times when like there are times when like I like we like have gone to our therapist for him like he like dropped my hand when we went into a party and she goes well do you do you think that him dropping your hand in the party meant that he didn't love you anymore and I was like I don't know and she's like well did he like hold your

hand at any other point during the evening I was like yeah she's like okay well now you're you're you're writing too much on this because now like this is that you're putting so much importance on this thing and you're judging every individual moment as opposed to like the day you've got two years to like judge and look at. And like, if I could like beginning of when Mots and I started dating and like the lack of like, he just, and it wasn't that he didn't like me or like, didn't love me. It was just like, that's not what, and then he'd be like saying all these nice things to me. I'm like, okay, I don't fucking care. Like whatever, whatever. And then he's like, well, why aren't you like, what do you mean? And then I was very physical touch and I not so much words

of affirmation. And so he would then feel like, well, why? Like it wasn't until we literally like had the conversation and then it was like, okay, cool. Instead of like doing onto others as you would do onto yourself like this is this is how you receive love okay now i'm gonna make a point to make sure that you feel loved and you're gonna do the same thing even though it's not how each other like sends and receives love like that's what you're gonna do for the other person and if he knows that yeah two years in i'm the poster child of saying like you can change like you can be more like that i'm much more words of affirmation for him now and like i'm even like that with a lot of my other friends because i'm like oh wow oh my god i'm so happy i can help you

because you can see that in someone's face when you're saying something and they're really like feeling loved and like registering that and you're like okay cool great i'm so happy so there if he's had this for two years and it hasn't changed like i don't see it changing and i don't see it about being like a sex thing i think it really is about like physical it's about different love languages yeah and it's about like telling somebody this is how i feel loved and them being like i'm not gonna do that yeah i think the best advice is to make him take the quiz i think yeah but i feel like he has if his his words of affirmation yeah how would we know that i think they should go to couples therapy oh my god couple therapy is amazing guys everybody should go to

couples therapy it is the greatest thing in the entire world i i brought in lovers to therapy but i've never done couples great it's really great oh it's amazing that's a good idea it's fantastic because there's like i don't like there's something to be like when and i think the greatest thing about therapy it's like it just proves to people like who don't have like they're not they're not married there's no contract there are no kids or whatever it's like if you're going through some shit or whatever it's like the biggest sign that someone else actually wants to put in the effort and cares it's like yeah we're gonna go and we're gonna talk to some random fucking person about our problems and i care about fixing it like this

much because if he's not taking that part seriously then that's that's your answer right there he doesn't want to change and he doesn't want to make you feel loved and that should be like a pretty clear sign but go through the steps like does he want to take the quiz does he want to put effort into realizing your love language is touched the way that your boyfriend did does he want to show up on time for therapy like will he show up for you i think is the underlying question beneath this yeah and i think you saying that you see like you're she said she's not being married like getting married to all that stuff. So like, I think if you see that

and you see a future with him, like right now you're seeing it, but this is kind of like the one big issue that's like trying to solve. I believe there are so many things that couples can solve on their own, but if this is two years and there hasn't been any way,

it hasn't been any headway in any way, then you need, yeah, you need someone else to help you guys with this and help you figure it out because it's not figuring itself out. And again, like, just like you said, like if he, and if he's like, oh, I don't want to go to therapy,

that's your answer. then that's somebody who doesn't want to work on it for you because maybe in the back if he says no in the back of his head maybe he knows that he's being irrational and just know going into therapy you might be wrong sometimes it might be in your head but there's oh yeah i think she'll learn a lot about to her communication skills like if it sounds like she could also use the couple therapy in that like her way of communicating to him it doesn't mean the way you communicate is wrong but like you could probably use a third party professional opinion on how you communicate to him because clearly two years in and you're still not getting what you want doesn't mean that

you're doing it wrong it just means you're you should change your tactic yeah no that's like the one of the first things like before we started going to therapy like the things that i kept being like i don't know how to commit like i'm trying to communicate but i don't know how it became less about love language is more about me like okay so this is how i communicate and how i would hear what i'm saying but i don't know how you're in hearing interpreting things and that was like the thing that i told my therapist that she was like no that's the like the smartest thing ever is like the fact that when you talk to somebody so many other people like people can read into different things you need to find out how the other person like communicates as well and you're

able to like if you have another party in there they're able to bridge that gap right and be like okay well you're saying that but do you feel this it's like when you're coming from like oh this is what i'm saying and then are you someone else reading too much into it or are you not saying what you really feel and everything like that it's like i think if you guys are serious about it i think it's a really great choice and uh like a very fantastic thing it's like super hard but like relationships are double the price because there's two people i feel like it depends is it covered by insurance um i mean i've got sag insurance which is good insurance i wonder because i wonder too if it's like she's 25 she said yeah like do you i don't know that people

have money to go to couple therapy i mean there's there's a lot of like affordable places that like do sliding skills depending on like an app yeah can you do an app with couples therapy i love well best of luck yeah i do you ever do like update episodes too oh my gosh i want to know an update on all of these things yeah i would love an update on this one specifically i would just love an update of someone who like listened to me saying go to couples therapy i've been telling all of my fucking friends like go it's great it's so fucking great well are we on to listeners advice don't blame them yes what's this segment so this is when um our listeners they call in and give their own advice on past calls that we've had cute yeah all right so this

is um from the episode with alexandra tweeton and um this was someone um that constantly was comparing themselves to other people. So here's some advice for that. I'm 22, almost 23. I felt so passionately, I called in the middle of the episode. Anyway, I used to compare myself to everybody all the time to the point where I actually ruined friendships because of it. Like I ruined friendships. And something that like really clicked and changed for me that helped me change was the mantra that i just kept saying to myself over and over again comparison is the thief of joy oh my gosh like she was explaining it's like an upside down and it's something that you have to like keep telling yourself but it does get easier like just for weeks just tell

yourself comparison is the thief of joy because really the only person that you're hurting is yourself it feels like a horrible like spiral of parasit and if you just remind yourself that like you're just the only person you're hurting is you in this situation so you might as well just be happy for the other people in your life that focus on you and what you have to do to improve yourself um yeah I just I felt very passionate and that's what helped me and hopefully it helps the caller too bye it says Theodore Roosevelt said that but I feel like I'm being trolled right now but maybe i that is my favorite quote of all time i put it on instagram all the time i always tell people like unfollow anything that doesn't make you like your nipples get hard

oh anything makes you go like or even like oh yeah or like delete it unfollow like the way the the amount of time we spend on our fucking phones you should feel nothing but heroin yeah not that i know what hair i don't know i am but like you should fit they're so quick and a steady slope like the second you go off and you start following like all the fucking hadids and all the people that like you know that's who makes me feel bad about myself like it is such a quick sliding scale i love that quote so much i love this person whoever wrote that and that's my favorite oh my god that's great i literally never heard that quote before isn't it so true though no yeah you'll never realize how good everything else in your life is yeah that you're alive that you're breathing

that you have a podcast that you have great hair it's really dirty pause for applause that if you are if you're like well someone else has a podcast someone else has hair yeah someone else has a couch really soft by the way it's really fun but it's it's just such a simple hard truth yeah yeah i love that i love that too and i think like the the biggest thing um yeah it's like it's all that's going to do is going to like make you feel it's never going to make you feel better and there's always going to be another photoshopped picture of somebody else that they photoshopped to look like somebody else that's the thing i find crazy like people are like you idolize a picture of a model and that model's photo is photoshopped because she saw a picture of another model who

saw a picture of another model who was photoshopped and it's all of these things are fake that they did because they didn't feel like enough and then you're looking at like a byproduct of somebody else feeling insecure that you're comparing yourself to that doesn't exist and it's not something that happens overnight. Like you don't just decide like, I'm not going to compare myself to people. I really do think it's a process of like unfollowing, starting to infiltrate your feed with like what real people look like, how real people post things. Like we are in the business. So I'm sure we follow so many more accounts that are curated than we need to. But like my therapist said something really, my therapist, my nutritionist, who's also kind of

like my therapist, said something really great, which is also funny because she's like an Australian model so it's really hard for me to take anything she says to heart but she's very smart she always says like you know i'll be talking about how i hate my arms right like i fucking hate my arms and she's like well you're very mean to your arms like they didn't do anything to you and i'm like yeah i know that quote that's like oh would you talk to yourself the way you talk to a friend of course not well like i can't i just can't get rid of this negative voice inside my head and so what she told me to do is instead of sending hate to it send love and hugs so she's like when you fucking hate your arms that means your arm needs actually like extra oh it's like being needy

it's like yeah you're not so why are you like shut the fuck up you stupid thing like you're hungry and you're sad so i'm definitely not gonna feed you and instead it's like just hold it and be like it's okay you're doing the best arm you can and so now like all over every mirror i have in my my house is just like instead of sending love send send instead of sending hate send love to whatever place needs it because it needs a little extra that day yeah i'm needy sometimes i need extra love i'm like do you love me do you love me do you love me and it's like yes yes yes yeah but i need you to mean it this time yeah and you just say it again okay well um that's it for this episode thank you so much kelsey for being on oh my god thanks for having

me this is so fun it's just so great you gave great advice you're very smart oh my god i didn't even go to college neither did i dropped out of three oh my god you dropped out three colleges or like there's your third year dropped out of three full universities three different universities really which one auburn university okay naifa and new york film academy okay and then uh la city college okay yeah fuck school no stan smith yes well i have thoughts about that but that's for another oh yeah no we've we've had a lot someone did university is gonna be a thing in three years oh no i'm telling you that's not good do you think logan paul's gonna teach classes i hope not i know i really hope not to they'll be gone soon okay i need to end this fucking

episode okay guys uh if you want to call in for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 and for our international listeners email us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com with an h yes with an h and where people find you on the internet oh i'm just kelsey darrah on everything yeah yeah yeah do you want to spell darrah because it's oh sure d-a-r-r-a-g-h yeah yeah it'll be in the show oh perfect thanks for having me this is so fun oh my god thanks come back anytime um uh but yeah guys if you liked this episode uh and you are watching on youtube make sure you are subscribed to us on the apple podcast app and leave us a review that'd be great and then if you are listening to this you can check out the video version on youtube we are also on stitcher

premium with bonus episodes exclusive ones if you want to listen to that and then any other place go to don't blame me dot show figure it out follow us on instagram don't block me pod it's don't blame me pod but it looks like meme pod because there's that's funny it's so funny and also so many people are commenting like now just like just randomly don't blah meme pod things which i think is great so uh follow us on instagram there i got locked out for a while because i created too many finsta accounts on instagram logged me out of all of them because they were like be nice to yourself don't self-sabotage and look at people who've already blocked you so but we're back i'm back on it's great i'm only have one i still have one finsta

such cute aesthetic i can't thank so much i can't with you youtube i have to leave now i need to go back to my dungeon hole no that's but i am a dungeon hole i'm a dungeon hole with like a clean aesthetic also the nickname for my pussy my nickname in high school and with that and with that thanks guys and we will see you next time don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley and music by ryan hunter and jacomo picasso part of the her pod network