Don't Blame Me! - S3E11: M&M: Pegging!

Episode Date: February 11, 2019

Here’s your February M&M ep! This week Melisa and I share our advice on what to do if your non-boyfriend is using you for your car, dealing with a judgemental friend, sharing a class with a hookup you ghosted, and if you should break up with your fiance with racist parents. And in Don’t Blame Them,  a listener shares her advice on dating as a bisexual. Follow Us! @dontblamemepod @meghanrienks @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Daily Harvest, The Real Real, and Nurx. Click Here for Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo) Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

oh my fucking god we are back for another episode with melissa hello oh my god i'm so excited me too i like this jacket we've been talking this whole time and you put on a whole new fucking outfit can you can i mean you're you are flexible flash the shoes guys is it all in there it it fucking is and if you're listening to it after you're done you have to go watch this um we talked put your new year's resolution right that you're wearing heels we did on the bonus episode so the regular gals and guys don't know oh yeah guys well don't be regular go go uh join us on a stitcher premium to get those bonus apps but one of your new year's resolutions was to wear heels every day every day and you did it in college i did so this is just getting back in it so i packed up

like i have like recently bought like a whole bunch of new shoes nice like but they were flats and i packed them up and sent them to my niece who's 12 so she has all the same size as well yeah she'd be tall i mean i haven't i haven't grown since i was 12 really yeah oh wow how tall are you five one okay yeah she's like the same height as me okay so i was like wow she's gonna have like adult size feet and i was like maybe you don't yeah but she might be her um father is tall so she might be taller how old are you at 12 and whoa that's your 12 what grade are you in at 12 sixth grade oh okay no that makes sense i think i stopped growing then too but i also was fucking five eight seven yeah yeah i was like average height until everyone else

you know i was the kid who was like out of frame and all the pictures and i was like oh cool hello everybody down there uh okay guys well this is um don't blame me it's uh the advice podcast but you already fucking know it or if you don't welcome to us here we are filming this for youtube as well as um the audio version so if you want to go check out either one you can see me drinking a diet coke if you watch the video it's a good time also to check for my sweatshirt on the right way i did um so guys if you want to call in to be a part of an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and uh international listeners you can email us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com so um you guys really liked the last episode it was just us yeah so we're gonna thank

fucking god we're gonna try it out to do like once a month and see how it works i'm i am on fucking board not that i don't love all of our other guests but like so nice like it's just easy like i don't have to try like it's just like we're just here it's so easy um so um it's time for us to give some advice all right let's do it hi megan so i am 18 and i just started my second semester of college and I'm living in the dorms and last semester I met this guy at a frat party he is in the frat which already kind of a red flag but it's fine so we met and we kind of just hit it off and we have been like hooking up and hanging out we've like said I love you to each other it's just it's super serious and I have never dated anyone so I am taking I'm trying to take

things slow I don't want to date him yet even though he really wants to define the relationship but we are definitely heading towards the direction of dating and we um both are very like open and honest with each other we have really good communication skills with each other um there is just like one minor problem that i have not been able to bring up with him and that is that he doesn't have a car and i know that makes me sound shallow i'm not trying to like bag on his financial situation because he comes from really rich parents like he has a job and all of that stuff like his parents pay his rent um they just haven't bought him a car so yeah there's nothing wrong with that but I personally just feel like he kind of uses me

for my car like if I sleep over at his place he will like ask for a ride to class the next morning and at first I didn't really think it was a problem but it's just getting to be so annoying like I today actually was late to my class because I had to drive him to his friend's house to get his backpack and then drive him to class and then I had to like come back home park my car I didn't even have time to like change my clothes I was still like 20 minutes late to my class and like it's just becoming an inconvenience and I don't know how to bring it up to him because i i don't want to like you can't yell at someone for not having a car like i will feel like a piece of shit if i do that but it's just i don't know how to bring up like maybe he can find his own

means of transportation but at the same time it's like like i can take five minutes out of my day to take him to his class i don't know so please help me first question they love each other but they're not dating yeah that's what i was i was like there's a lot of impact here like yeah you say you love each other you're in a serious relationship but you're not dating you're headed towards a serious relationship but you're in love and you've already said that to each other how and we don't know how long it's been yeah okay um also somebody being in a fraternity isn't a red flag some of the greatest guys i know are in fraternity so yeah totally no we have a different situation no i like that like kind of the frat guys that i went to school

with honestly i like all the guys way more than girls like the guys were so much cooler and they also were like hey you're always the hot one and i was like thank you so much that's so nice um not that that's important but like it did make me feel better at the time uh i mean i would say like you're not your issue isn't that he doesn't have a car your issue is that like you're his chauffeur and like the idea of bringing it up to him like you're not gonna yell at him that he doesn't have a car like it's not about that like and also it's not your responsibility like you guys didn't meet they didn't meet on the first day of fucking school like he had like you weren't a part of like when he went to college like this is like you weren't like well and when you sign up

you're gonna get a girlfriend who's gonna drive you to school like no like he has to do this on his own that has nothing to do with you and if he was not dating you how would he get to like right it's not your problem just walk to class yeah um i don't he probably doesn't even realize what he's doing no i think he's just like oh she's here she has a car so she can take me and i think that's just like a lack of communication you guys say that you're very open and you communicate but you're not communicating yeah it seems like a lot of yeah opposite things going on here it does and i think like i don't know what your hang-up is about like not wanting to be in a relationship and take it slow you've already said you love each other like you're already invested in it

like so i think like the title of anything it really shouldn't matter um but i also would say like i didn't have a car in college and like i asked my boyfriend all the time like will you take me to class but like sometimes he said no like moths went to the airport the other day and i was hanging out with my friends and he was like hey would you drive me to the airport i was like no taking uber like i've got plans like and he's like okay fine like that's but it's not like it's like or are you free to do this and i think like if you do have time for sure like yeah you're like oh i'm going to class right now too like i'll totally go but like if you want to sleep in like no you i'm not gonna drive you yeah and i think also like i think you're right i don't think

he is intentionally doing it i don't think he's using you for your car i think if anything he probably like in the morning like wants to spend more time with you and so he's like oh i don't want to get out of bed like i don't want to like leave half an hour earlier so i can like walk to class like i just want to stay in bed and then she'll just drive me so we can hang out in the car where he's thinking like oh this is like uh oh we get to spend more time together and then you are like um no i want to sleep yeah so i'd say like the night before if you're going to class be like hey do you need a ride to class tomorrow um and then you can plan for it and you can wake up earlier and you can be on time to class because you are in school to get an education

that's what i'm i'm always preaching she's all about the education so um you shouldn't be 20 minutes late for class because he forgot his backpack at his friend's house and you have to go pick it up and then drop him off you need to just just plan ahead yeah but also i think the cuntier thing to do which is that i would do is the next time in the morning he's like can you drive me to class like i really am so tired i don't want to and like because i think like you don't owe him like that like i think you need a little bit of like oh this isn't and like you said he came for not that i'm saying that he like had everything handed to him but he comes from a very well-off family privilege yeah it might be a little bit like he needs to check his privilege

here um and also choosing not to have a car in college is a choice that you know is going to be inconvenient so he's expecting that like he knows that it's like when he chose not to have a car then it became like okay this is i'm i'm choosing to do that um so any of those consequences it's fine but i think like you're right like in general he he should be the one ahead of time being like hey would any chance you could drive me to class tomorrow like i don't think you should need to bring it up at all but he's not exactly so i think you either need to you need to bring it up the night before and be like hey just for like in gen yeah maybe you do it like a big in general talk like hey just in general like do you do or specifically do you need me to take you to

class tomorrow and in general could you let me know because sometimes it's gonna it's a little bit too hard for me to make it to class on time and i was late last week so if you tell me ahead of time um i can if you tell me ahead of time what days you would need me to take you to class i can tell you if i can and then if i can't then i can give you an i'll be able to let you know ahead of time so you can figure out another ride to class yeah also is he providing gas money yeah slash your own tires be like oh i can't drive anywhere no because the tires are like okay 500 pretend your car is in the shop and just be like oh babe will you buy ubers will you buy me an uber will you buy me an uber will you get me an uber lift so let's be more progressive yes lift

um but yeah i don't think he's using you for your car that'd be really specific and also like a lot of people have cars yeah and like you guys say you loved each other and also he's in a frat they have pledges oh my god we used to use pledges for cars oh yeah girl you don't have to drive i'm a pleasure driving to class yeah i used to get driven to hazing is not good people don't do hazing no it's not on it but honestly the driving part i got driven to school every fucking single day from my boyfriend who's in a fraternity from the pledges he's like babe they got you and i'd be okay and i was precious cargo so you know they drove slow but also coming there on time it's great we went to starbucks drive-thru oh good good time um but yeah also i would figure out

what you want to do in this relationship slash non-relationship thing as well because uh yeah yeah yeah yeah figure out what you want okay on to the next on toolbox hi megan and guest i apologize in advance for my english but i'm from chile so i'm gonna try my best um i really need your advice with something so i met a girl in college about two years ago and we became really really close friends really fast we were very similar like the same stuff um so we had a lot of fun together was super easy and we really um wanted what was best for the other one and so it's very mature and sort of like good friendship um but we're very different we're 22 she has had the same boyfriend for five years never fought with him once um goes to church

every sunday doesn't party he doesn't drink straight a student top of the class um since She's in middle school. I, on the other hand, have never had a boyfriend. I like to party. I drink. I'm not religious in any way. I do pretty well in school. I'm not the top of the class, but I never failed a class or anything. So I do pretty well. However, these past few weeks, I feel like she's been taking the role of being a mom and sort of giving me advice that I don't want slash don't need. and i feel very um anxious about the whole thing because i don't feel like i can tell her everything and i need to watch what i say because she'll get mad or she'll um or i'll disappoint her and blah blah blah and sort of everything is a life lesson um so i just wanted to tell her like dude i went out partying and i passed out in my kitchen and woke up at 7 a.m with cheerios on my

hair and i just want you to be my friend about it i don't need you to be my mom and sort of like tell me that it's wrong just like can we laugh it out and not be make such a huge deal out of everything I feel like lately she's been distancing herself and about me from me because she sees me like I'm a wreck and I'm a mess and I'm a rebel child and she's like done with trying to help me and fix me which is something that I don't need and just because I go out and party and make out with guys doesn't make my life a mess I'm pretty good physically mentally I'm getting my master's in economics like I'm doing pretty fine um and so it's been great but uh we started ghosting each other but every now and then she'll talk to me sort of like to check up on me and be like hey

how are you doing how's it been and I'm just like dude either ignore me or be my friend but she'll talk to me and I feel like it comes from a place where she feels pity and feels bad about like sort of letting me go but she'll talk to me and I don't want to ignore her because I don't want to be mean because we never actually got in a fight but I hate it when she talks to me and I and I feel self-conscious about like oh I don't want to be too needy or I don't want to be mean and she'll take three to five business days to respond to my text messages and to me that's just not cool and i don't want to talk about it with her because she'll be like you're so dramatic everything's so dramatic with you and sort of i don't know what to do please help me first of all i'm obsessed

with your accent yeah it's beautiful um i mean uh talking to like serial ghosters here yeah but i i relate to this okay because i think you have um different types of friends for different parts of your life 100 and so um there was a point when you guys were in college when you were very close and um you related on a lot of different levels and she was great for that point in your life now you have you guys have grown apart and that's okay that's what happens with friends you grow apart um and she's still somebody that you care about and you can check in on her all the time but she doesn't have to be the person that you're telling everything that's going on in your life you have other friends that are that whoever you're going out with and partying with talk to

them about it you don't have to tell her that she's settled in her life she's got um she's in a serious relationship um and you don't you don't have to be her like go-to anymore and she and she sees that too that's why she's like making a wedge too and so you guys can still be friends but she doesn't have to be your very very best friend right now yeah no you're exactly right i think that you become friends with people that you relate to on certain levels and like not it's kind of like when you're friends with someone because like your parents were friends and like then you grow up and you're like oh do we are we actually similar like do we actually like each other which like for me like all of the friends that i had growing up like we are we all really

do get along but like our yeah our relationships are different because like the thing that tied us together is like being from the same place and back home and none of us live there anymore so like the thing that can kind of tie you there if you don't have that anymore exactly like you're saying like you can still have like a respect for somebody and um like somebody uh but also like you yeah you have friends for different like i have friends that i have friends like i'm not gonna talk shit i'm not gonna like talk shit about like my a relationship like problem with my single friends like i'm gonna talk about with my friends who are in a relationship because they understand it like i'm gonna go to a workout class with a friend who i'm gonna ask them to

go to workout class who a friend who like also likes like working out like and you if you think about it in that sense of being like oh am i trying to include you it was just no shame on you like because you guys did you were able to really not relate but like you did have that relationship before you could talk about that of being like oh if i'm gonna have a conversation if you don't relate to what i'm talking to about in that sense like we're just this you're not gonna get what you want out of it like you're not gonna get like a it's a bad audience you know it's like delivering like dirty jokes people who are like no pg only and you're like oh well fuck like i wasted all this great damn material yeah um so yeah i think exactly like you said like there's there's a way

to like still check in on each other and all that and there's also like i think there's something so sucky about feeling and i and i say this because like i felt like this for so long with different friends and stuff about like oh we didn't have a huge fight and i still really like them but like i feel i feel like i'm the dick if we're not friends anymore and you're not exactly you said she's also kind of pulling away and so i think like you don't need like just know that you're in different points of your life and that how your relationship is now you don't don't settle for her like don't talk to her about this shit because she's giving you shit for it right so once you stop talking to her about that then your relationship becomes like oh what do you do

what do you relate on and like what are you guys going to talk about and then that's what your relationship is and then you find the rest and other people um and yeah there doesn't have to be a big blowout because you're right there is you didn't get in a fight this is just something that yeah you guys no longer have that main thing that you used to relate on which it's okay like yeah there's definitely friends like that i yeah i had they were my friends because of like proximity because of all these other things that doesn't mean that like it wasn't great and fun but now as i've gotten older i'm like yeah no i just don't like we don't or even like a mutual friend like think if you became friends with somebody but because you had like a really good mutual friend

and then if you're not friends that mutual friend anymore you're not really gonna see that person doesn't mean you guys don't like each other it just means like oh like this is we have to go more out of our way it isn't as like seamless to kind of like oh it feels like no time has passed like we can just that comfortability thing so yeah yeah there's friends that i have that i went to college with them we're just not people that i would see every single day and we would hang out every day and get wasted with all every day and um now sometimes we don't need we might talk like once or twice a year um because that's just like we're just not in that same proximity anymore but we're still like we catch up back where we were and we're still friends and then like neither

of us are mad about it yeah but we pick up right again so yeah yeah i don't think you need to worry about it and i think also if you're feeling like a little abandoned which i can totally get because she was you could talk about this kind of stuff in college because also because she probably like not to stereotype college but she probably was like the odd one out of like the party situation so she was kind of a little more used to it um i think then they take this as an opportunity of like don't think of like oh i lost a friend it's like oh no i this i've got an opportunity now that for other people in my life that i haven't been like letting myself get like take that position of like my best friend who i tell everything to now you have a whole new audience like you've

got all of that and you're not losing her you're just can gain more friends yeah so best of luck and beautiful accent again so pretty on to the next hi megan um i am 20 i am currently a junior in college um so i decided to call in because you uh have talked about ghosting a lot and it's my main form of breaking up which is not good um but you know i'm really bad at communication so that's what happens but um so basically I ghosted this guy last semester and it was a long story it was kind of a hard ghosting because he was really adamant on talking to me but I just stopped talking to him um long story short we're both the same major and he is in my class this semester with that he's like my smallest class it's an upper level certainly about like 15 people in it

it's really awkward I have a friend in the class so I kind of anchored myself to her but I know that at some point I'm going to have to talk to him I really don't know how to address it I had the class for the first time today and when I saw him

I was really uncomfortable and I think he could tell I was uncomfortable and he seemed very pleased by the fact that I was uncomfortable which I know is karma but just kind of advice on how to go about this because i didn't think that i'd ever have to see him again um but yeah it kind of sucked so anything any advice thank you bye i mean i dropped out of college i literally i mean i didn't drop

out of college to like avoid the guy that i ghosted but i also like had a thing with a guy who i was in class with and then i ghosted him and it was also like a 10 person class and i didn't go back to class i did the same thing so this is what you're going to learn from us not to do the same thing so I had I had the same situation where this guy we worked on a project together and then um like at his place and we hooked up and then I didn't want to see him again and um the class had maybe like six or seven people in it um and so what I would do would I was just like um I would act like like I would not talk to him during the class and then I would put headphones on and I would hear him like calling my name just like bolt

just run away and um eventually I dropped the class you should not do that because clearly it's an upper level class that you need for your I didn't need this class this was an elective but yours is something that you need so let's talk through this like what she should do now yeah yeah yeah um mine was at least i feel like i i honestly wish i had dropped mine earlier because mine was an acting class and we had to do um peer review and so i did a monologue and he they were like does anyone like want to do the peer review and he raised his hand she took like three times yeah okay he raised his hand and i was like oh fuck no oh fuck no and he goes off and everybody there like oh wow they went out this is a thing and it was like said it was so personal and then

i i stopped going and i dropped the class yeah um but you can't you can't drop you need this class to graduate you do oh god i hate to be like um i mean on okay oh you can really just bite the fucking bullet and text him yeah and be like hey i just want to say like i feel shitty about ghosting you like i'm really terrible with like communication and confrontation and i know that's not an excuse but like i'm just gonna say that's really what it is and i uh selfishly like assumed i wouldn't have to see you again and now that i see you in class i feel really bad and i understand like you can totally hate me like i'm not asking for forgiveness or anything like that but like i know that this is a couple months late but i just feel like i really should

have like owned like womaned up and like admit like said how i really felt as opposed to just ghosting you and um you're and just be like clearly this class is really uncomfortable for me and like i just and like i'm sorry good god megan stop burping i'm sorry but i yeah and just like i'm not looking for your forgiveness or anything and i'm not i'm not looking to clear my conscience maybe i am but like i just feel like i'm yeah just apologize and then you can text him that and then just ignore him in class yeah or wait for him after class and ambush him oh my god but they do it in person fuck she's gonna see him in class anyway you don't go from ghosting someone to then telling them in person like sorry i ghosted you like hey you text you

wait no you go outside leave a letter before anybody is out there after class ends wait form be like hey can i talk to you for a second oh my god and then be like and then just say everything that megan just said in the text message fuck that because you're gonna have to talk to him anyway yeah you are but it's kind of like one of those things that like if you set if you if you get the hard stuff out of the way in person then you don't have to talk about i mean if you get the way over text then in person like you can say hi hi and like move on i mean 100 i agree with megan but i was just trying to give another oh yeah that's like if you really have like a lot of self-actualization yeah like if you want to be a good person you should do it in

person but again you're talking to two people that goes and you're a ghost or two so yeah you understand you probably prefer the text we're among friends yeah good god that yeah this it's funny to hear though like as much as like we talk about ghosting and people to give us shit for it we also know it's bad because both of us just we had to drop a class yeah like it bites you in the ass hard so um yeah so we know it's not good but um it does feel nice to know that there are other people out there like us oh so bad oh my god well best of luck for you and i'm really sorry this also happened to mods except i don't know i don't know if he go maybe he did ghost some i don't know all i know is he like had a thing with like a girl that he like met and called like did something

had something in college and then they were like in a class that was like just peer review and it was like six people and they got partnered up like alphabetically and had to be together the whole time and she just like kept trying to say oh my gosh and it was just like oh god like how do i do this and it was like yeah yeah he's a fuck boy but it's my time okay guys it's time for a quick break and we will be right back we're gonna ghost you okay guys we are back from our break and we are hopping into the rest of the calls Hi, Megan. I'm 25 years old, and I currently live in Chicago. I'm going to try to keep this short. Basically, my fiancé and I have been together for four years off and on. A long time to be off and on, but we got engaged in September. I met him on Tinder, actually, when I was still going to school in Iowa.

He still lives in Iowa, and I've been in Chicago for about a year now without him. We've been planning on him moving here in May, but that hasn't been solidified. I just really need an outsider's advice because I'm thinking about ending our engagement. so basically one of our biggest issues is him with his parents he his mom is racist so he's white and I'm mixed she doesn't want to have anything to do with me she doesn't care about my feelings she doesn't care about anything I literally haven't met his parents and we've been doing this for four years he's met both of my parents he's met my siblings he's met almost everyone in my family um I still haven't met his parents so I'm having a really rough time with him

not telling them things he doesn't really tell them the extent of our relationship um and he doesn't stand up for me so it's like I'm alone in this relationship basically against his parents um he wants them to still like support him and not cut him off because I literally said they'll disown him um anyways that's one of our issues another is that he just like doesn't give me much attention and i know you've talked about how you like to have a lot of attention and i'm the same way i need attention i need you to call me you know just like give me something um and we live 300 miles away from each other right now so i'm not getting much in general but he doesn't call um he doesn't visit he's visited me once to drop off my cat um and that was for like 10 hours

um so i'm really not sure what to do he's literally ghosted me for weeks at a time and not talked to me at this point i haven't talked to him in five days and we're engaged so i don't know help me out oh my god wait we gotta talk about this girl first of all have you seen the movie get out like i was get the fuck get the fuck out okay so i gotta make my joke first before we get through this um not this is not a joke okay i feel like he's a serial killer in the way of being like if he disappears for this many days at a time there is you have to call back when you find this out there is something the fuck else going on yeah there is something going on if he doesn't go five five you said weeks at a time but five days you've gone without speaking to him

does he is he married to somebody else there's does he have a kid there's something going on maybe his parents aren't racist maybe they don't even exist or maybe yeah maybe maybe he's a fucking con artist it is all a goddamn lie yeah like oh my god you met on this is not good for me saying i want to get you on tinder girl you know no no no no no no no okay so if his parents exist then this is just internalized racism for him so let's stay let's stay with the racist thing first and then go to the yeah other part i literally have goosebumps like right now talking about this if you are okay if you are trying to preserve your relationship with somebody who is racist and that is affecting you're you're in a mixed race relationship and you don't want

to ruin a relationship with your parents over over the racism they have for his girlfriend you that's him thinking that that's okay and that's justified and that's internalized racism he might not think he's racist but the fact that he's okay with that and he can find a way to for if anyone in my fucking life said anything remotely racist i'd be i'd call them out immediately and this isn't even an issue like we've talked about before like standing up but like like two years uh your like parents like parents-in-law and all that kind of shit this is a different level of that and like if he is letting them he he yeah he's he's basically saying like i'm not going to lose my relationship with my parents over something like racism like what the so therefore you're

you're cool with that right and it's like who i have i have so many feelings about this i don't think they they even we're staying with the racist thing for right now yeah um they don't accept you he doesn't fully accept you um you can't you can't stay you can't be in this relationship and be happy you're if you have children with this guy they have no grandparents um also he's not around all the time he doesn't fully accept you have you talked to your parents about this because they grew up in a different generation um they're a mixed race couple what are their feelings about this too because i'm sure that they probably had some type of pushback from someone in their family as well on either side um who i'm mad i'm so angry i'm so mad yeah i'm also so mad like i

fucking hate that this dude like that that you even have to question it that's the part that i'm like this is like and i don't want to be like oh wow this is such an easy decision because it is because we are a third party which is why you're called but like i fucking hate the fact that like he has gotten in your head so much with being on and off for four years that like you're questioning this and i've had friends in situations where they've dated guys who like i had to be like by the way you know like your white boyfriend is racist and like i've had to be like the white friend being like just gonna let you know that like this is not okay and then like no no it's like you're misreading it i was like no no as a white person who's not fucking racist like that's

not there is not any sort this is yeah and and he and and being somebody that's black and has dated like outside of my race sometimes you um meet these guys that they seem like they're okay and they'll they'll make jokes that you're like just because we're dating it's not okay for you to make this joke my girlfriend's not white so therefore i can make these jokes right and i feel like he's probably one of those type of guys too especially if he's like forgiving of his so-called parents he if he he thinks that because he's dating someone who's mixed race therefore that makes i'm not racist that's not how it works like that's not you have to be actively an ally yes and like so it's with anything like you can't just be like oh i have a friend who's gay so therefore i'm not

homophobic right but like you have to in order to be an ally you have to be active and in order to like like support people in every every single like race sexuality gender all of that you have to be loud about accepting them and being active about that and that means that you do not you cut out people in your life who therefore do not validate or respect or value the existence of those people in your life if he loved you and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you he would stand up to his parents yeah he so long ago yeah so fucking long ago the first time he told you i loved you before he proposed to you yes like none of this makes sense nothing about this story makes sense at all it doesn't at all the second that he said like he showed a picture

or said that you were mixed race and his parents responded like that it would have been like you need to cut this out right now or i'm i'm done because it is 20 whatever year it was like this is you're not i'm not gonna i don't care that you're my parents but like you cannot be racist assholes yeah like that it would have i that would have ended so long ago so that there is also a part of me that i'm like this guy is there's something fucking else going on yeah like let's move outside racism why is he going weeks without talking to you i mean even fight like if like i like moths has gone out before and like his phone has died and i've called his friends like and that's one night yeah like he's out of town this weekend he calls me in the morning

texts me in the afternoon calls me at night like they're you that's not like a thing like even like arden is in a long distance relationship they don't see each other for months at a time really weeks at a time if we're gonna be real yeah but like when we just saw art and she just had like oh i have to we have a we have a time that we're calling each other because like you're not in a relationship like that's the thing it's like just because you're oh we're in a long distance relationship if you call something a relationship a relationship has meaning besides just the word like oh I have a boyfriend like but that has to mean something it has to mean like oh yeah the implication behind being in a relationship is oh this is somebody who I talk to every night this

is there there are like it requires something and he's not doing that like you are not engaged to you you have like a ring possibly you have an engagement but you don't have a partner at all like and that is like i can't even explain to you how fucking sketchy that is like that is so fucking sketchy especially because like what we always say about long distance of like unless there's a date and where where it's going to end like i don't think it's going to work out right and the fact that like this is like an indefinite you've been apart for a long amount of time like you should have got this down right like a long-distance relationship requires time and effort and energy in five days five fucking days that's insane and she said weeks two weeks like

at this point right now when she called in it was five days and it's been weeks in the past girl okay should we speculate what it could be um yes another relationship another relationship another family another family um serial killer serial killer yeah uh drugs con man yeah ponzi scheme yeah um yeah there's something there's something there's something not right and he's still dependent on his parents for money at 25 um i will say like when i was 25 i had moved out here i had been living out here for yeah i was going to school my parents still like paid for stuff but like that wasn't going to be an ongoing thing where I was getting married and then like when you guys are quote-unquote married is he still going to be like dependent

on yeah and what is his job what is he trying to do and they're not going to come to the wedding like it's going to be like so who's the wedding for and then where do you move also never moving here you would have to pay for it all because he he would be cut off from his parents that means he's not getting any money so now you're paying for this whole wedding yeah this isn't right girl no there's i don't even fucking believe that the name he told you is the real name like i think this is like a fuck it and i hope i mean i'm glad i hope that like if anything like before you got i mean i'm just telling you i'm instructing you to fucking call out this engagement if you've got any sort of like i don't not that you're married so you probably don't have any shared assets or

anything but like they might because he doesn't have a job exactly i was like get your shit in order like if he's got fucking keys to things like if he has like if his name is on like deeds or leases or any of that shit get that shit fucking figured out because like i genuinely don't think that he is who he says he is like at all fucking all and also let's say let's play like not play dale's advocate because i don't love that and i never do that um even if like this isn't just like the fact that he you okay you have you go two weeks without talking and it's like wow how has he not talked to you in two weeks more than that how is he cool with the fact that you haven't spoken to him in two weeks like if even if i'm like let's say like oh my god girls

are like so crazy like they like want their boyfriends to call all the time when they're gone like sure maybe i want to talk to like mots more when he's gone than he does with me but like it's still like he still is like if i didn't call him even if he was like oh well i'm not gonna call her until she calls me if i didn't call him he would then call me yeah like that's something that's also so fucking odd to me is that he's not trying do it like that he doesn't he's not looking for that so he's he's getting and that's why it's not a relationship whatever's fucking happening he doesn't need a partnership from you and i don't know what if he's getting something else out of it or he's just getting that somewhere else and there's like a whole other thing going on

here but you are not his partner and you are not fulfilling that that need or that desire is being met in some other way yeah and it's not with you and like this is fucking sketchy as hell and if you want help you should dm me and like we can i'll totally we'll internet yeah we'll dm us both our instagrams are always like we have our handles on the description on youtube and on the show notes we are very good internet stalkers we're gonna find this shit out with you right we'll figure it the fuck out you should keep the ring sell it god we got you girl think of us as your personal catfish yeah 100 percent without the problematic i'm problematic though oh i picked max yeah so i'll just be myself yeah yeah okay i picked the uh gay silver box i love him um

wow i'm like oh i'm mad for you yeah oh i'm mad for you a hard bitch not your i mean like that's like a bitch not like your bitch we're on your side um i can't wait to hear your see your dm we're gonna do this we're gonna get this shit figured out for you hi um my name is sarah i'm 27 and i'm hoping this gets aired because i just learned this information like that even an hour ago um i've been seeing this guy for a few weeks and he just told me that he's like he's like uh his secret is like pegging and i had to look up what it was because i had no fucking idea what was and now that i know it's like like a chick i mean correct me if i'm wrong it's like a chick wearing a strap on and like a guy from behind like it's like wigging me out to like

the point of no return and it's just ruined like i'm really too good to be true and now i just feel weird and that's all i'm going to think about for the next two days like i don't know like is that a straight thing i just i right now i don't even I like, I can't even, I can't even handle it, but, um, I'd like some input on this because it's freaking me out and, um, yeah, I need to know, like, if this is normal, like I totally respect what people are into as long as they're not hurting anyone, that's fine. But for me, it's like, like, should you just, should you just be with a guy if that's the

case? Like, I don't know. That's all I'm going to think about from here on out. So ruined per usual. um so if you could just let me know um love you guys love your podcast um very funny i do want to say you guys helped me get through uh or and a really bad unhealthy relationship that i was in for three years you kind of motivated me and uh very happy besides this whole pegging thing that's going on so thank you for that okay i love you bye this is not minnie's guy no not at all there's

a lot of nerve endings in the butt should we talk about prostate you've got your anus your rectum and most importantly the prostate which women don't have so i mean a lot of pleasure back a lot of it i mean i one of the first oh my god one of my friends he's so fucking funny um he's like such like a like a really scary fucking intimidating looking dude and he yeah he's just like a like a scary and like in but i like love him because he's really deep down teddy bear but like he just doesn't let anyone know because like he is really like tough as shit like i wouldn't fuck with him really god we're friends he would protect me in any situation um but we were talking about something and one of the one of the some girl we were around she like brought up something like oh

my god like yeah like and like guys like like stuff with like butts or whatever he goes no it was a guy who said this like guy had something about like oh yeah i know like girls like putting like fingers and ass like get it out of me he's like you're not a real fucking man unless you've had a finger in your ass oh my god this is so funny and he was like i don't know what the fuck are you do it all of these guys are like oh wow i guess you're right maybe i should he's like yeah what the fuck is wrong with you like and it was so funny because like it had like here was this guy who's the epitome of what you would expect toxic masculinity to be and he's telling these other guys who tend to be a little bit more like oh they seem like they'd be more progressive

and he's telling them like oh like fuck your fucking shit like you're wrong like you don't know this shit um so no i think like a i want to say like fantastic on your boyfriend for telling you this because if anything his hang-ups on wow does this make me gay be there there isn't really um yeah men in general there is that uh stigma there is about like anything involving that like so many guys are like don't fucking put your finger in my ass at all like because i'm like not gay and it's like that's not what that means like at all and so i think like the fact that he told you like you need to understand that like being like pegging is so different than like having sex with a guy also like like sexual orientation like it doesn't it like who you are

in the body parts that you are born with has nothing to do with what your gender is yeah and so him being into the fucking thing that hangs from traditional like cis born men cisgendered men like what hangs there that he's into the sensation that that gives that has nothing to do with a penis because also like penises have nothing to do with men like penises are not having a penis does not make you a man and being into penis being into any sort of like stimulation there does not make you gay yes and so i think you need to separate like oh it goes in the butt it looks like a penis therefore that means he's gay that doesn't mean he's gay he's gay if he is sexually and romantically attracted to men that's the only way that you are gay in that situation

the only time that you are gay and the only thing that makes you gay is being sexually and romantically attracted to someone of the same gender as you yeah that's it yep and like that's all there is to it and i think like i don't think yeah i wish i mean i wish this kind of stuff was talked about more because i think like i i don't think there is i don't think this is like internalized homophobia at all i think this is like the issue of a like we're not taught about the body in regards to like pleasure we're taught about it in regards to like science and what this does and what this does and like we're not taught like oh men have this and therefore the sensation here is different like guys don't have a clit like so much of this stuff like we'd all be having way

better fucking sex if we had learned in like school these are like these pleasure points on your body right and I think that it's great on him to tell you and I think I'm assuming at any point he might have thought like oh wow he might have had like that internalized uh well not even internalized that that toxic masculinity of being like does this make me gay and the fact that he's telling his girlfriend hey I'm into this and I feel like I just really want to tell you he's already gone through that process and been like no this doesn't mean that so therefore I'm going to tell you um so and if you're scared of that just start with a finger yeah or if you're not comfortable just tell him you're not comfortable and that's totally okay um you've talked about

before like things being a deal breaker like is this going to be his deal breaker that you don't like to peg him yeah or is it your deal breaker that you don't want to um so it's just like your comfortability but if you're curious about it i mean yeah strap on the yeah strap it on and i mean it's got like pleasure things for you too on the other end so that's true go at it if if you're comfortable with it yeah there's a whole episode of broad city that is like on this specific thing yeah so i think it's in the it's either in the first or second season um second okay amanda's saying second so in the second season um abby is like going through this whole thing with her hot neighbor that she's always had a crush on and he's into pegging and

um so yeah yeah i suggest watching that that might open up your mind yeah yeah and i think um i mean mott's and i always play i play the hypothetical game he fucking hates it but i'll like make up sexual hypotheticals like if i decided i was into this would you would this be a deal breaker and so many things that i've like come with like some of the fucking like things that aren't even real like just fucking weird crazy shit that i was like if i said that instead of condoms you had to fuck me with cinnamon rolls would you do it and he was like literally the shit i come up with And he's like, sure, like fine. Like there are some crazy fucking shit

that he's like, okay. And there's some stuff- That sounds like a yeast infection. I know, I know, yeah, exactly. But then there's some stuff that he'd be like, yeah, no, I wouldn't be into that. And then I'm like, and it is like a hypothetical game in that situation.

Like in the way of being like, we're coming up with these like things that we think are like crazy or whatever. And it's like, okay, well in the right relationship, things that you're like, oh, I wouldn't be into, like in hypotheticals when you're with somebody, you're like, okay, all of these things, you you really realize how much of like the hang-ups that you have on like things regarding

sex have come with just like an internalized uh like yeah sexual shame of like this like oh gosh but then also if there's something that is a deal breaker for either of you like i've said so many times like i i would never if a guy told me if we were on a date and or we were hooking up and he was like oh by the way like i don't go down on girls i'd be like okay like that's a deal breaker for me like i'm never gonna come then like this is unless you're like fucking fantastic with your hands and like you've got like knocking get a hand cramp and all of this is gonna be like really great for you like also that's a lot more work for effort and work for you and choreography like that would be a deal breaker for me and i wouldn't think anything less of a person because

there's like a sexual compatibility and a sexual match for everybody and i think um you're allowed to say you're not comfortable with something and then from there you'll see maybe this isn't even a deal breaker for him maybe this is something and then if there's a way that you're like okay well i hear that like i don't know if i'm ready for that yet like what if i just like use my hands for something and then like you can potentially build your way up to it or not but um it does not make him gay i don't know not at all yeah and it's not weird no it's not weird yeah you have two people here who immediately like neither of us had to google pegging yeah like this is something Like, I fully know what that is.

Like, I was, like, my real introduction to it was Broad City when I heard about it. I don't even know my introduction. What was my introduction to pegging? I don't know. I don't know. Hmm. I mean, not, like, a personal introduction, but I wonder. But, yeah.

So, I wouldn't, yeah, don't worry about this at all. And also, I'm happy for her boyfriend for, like, saying that. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That means he trusts you. Totally. and he's so comfortable in sexuality like so very comfortable it's time for don't blame them which is where callers call in and give their own advice on previous episodes so what do we have

here i really do nothing can you all see this now if you're watching this on youtube she's like on her computer pulling up all of this shit and i'm like what do we have i just sit here with my blanket um so this is from the episode that we did together and um i like that and the uh girl she was by and she was having trouble because when she'd go out on dates and stuff then um guys and girls were being like rude to her and didn't understand yeah so those people hi i'm calling to give advice on um something i recently heard on your latest podcast with melissa about um the girl who called about being bisexual and she would tell people and um they would just have problems with it i'm 23 and also bisexual and i've also experienced very similar things

and what i would like to say to her is that there are going to be people who do understand and there are going to be people who don't understand i feel like i went through the same thing like i feel like at um age 18 um everyone's kind of immature doesn't really understand sexuality doesn't understand themselves but there will be people who do understand like now I'm with I have a boyfriend who is really amazing and he gets that he gets that side of me he gets that I am attracted to women as well as men and um it doesn't intimidate him but when I was 18 um and I was dating the same exact thing happened to me there would be people who didn't understand I would like tell guys and then they would say they didn't want to be with me and like

call me a slut or whatever because like I wanted to I like both and um they just didn't really understand it so there are going to be people who don't understand what I would also say is that you don't need to tell everyone like I felt the same way you did like I wanted to I felt like I wasn't being true to myself if I didn't tell people that I like you know guys and girls or that I was attracted to guys and girls you don't need to tell anyone like if you're dating and um you're getting to know someone yeah it's a it's a very important part of you that you might feel like you're hiding which is kind of a shitty feeling but you don't owe anyone an explanation you don't owe anyone um any information that they're gonna ask for and they don't need there's nothing wrong with

not um like disclosing that information about you especially when you're young and you're dating and you're just having fun and stuff like that i love that i really love when people can i mean obviously that's the fucking point of this part is like people call and give their own experience but it's nice um and uh yeah i think i think she's very right in the sense of like not doesn't make you any less like proud of who you are if you don't want to tell people and also in like um i don't know it's a kind of like again not to make this like a wager this heterosexual but like when there's something like something that you really like and you don't really want to like share it with the world yet because you're like i didn't it's like when people um again not to

make this whatever but like when people don't share baby names until the babies are born and it's like well i don't i don't care about your like i'm not this isn't your opinion like this is something that has to do with me but this is not like doesn't mean that you like any less because like you don't want anyone's judgments on something that they really don't have any business judging on so um that makes me happy i do also agree that i think people grow out of shit i think also when you're i think the original color was 18 because let's say when you're young if you think about it real okay like think if we want to go like let's say you're you start having your first um like more serious relationships let's even say like let's say you have one

boyfriending her for four years that's like four romantic experiences and like that's still a time when people are like figuring out their sexuality and everything like that so you've got people who haven't experienced nearly as much once you go to college and all of that stuff like i yeah i think my friends all of their sexual experiences isn't experiences and stuff everything changed once everyone was in college because you yeah you're not tied to this like you're not tied and you're you don't have to worry about like parents and yeah and like the i hate the idea of like oh a reputation but like yeah there's also something like i was never able to like like shake off the oh i mean finally i think i finally fucking did now like once i got verified on instagram that

became what i was known for in high school but like i literally had like transition lenses like i was a total fucking nerd there are some things that like people just they see you as one thing and like even now i look back at like guys i went to high school that i was like why didn't i think you were fucking hot there's one kid who was a young matt damon and i'm like why the fuck did it no why did i not hook up with you why did nobody hook up with you and it's like oh because everyone had these preconceived notions from like elementary school and then yeah i have friends who were uh i have most of my friends who were like who are gay and who are bi and stuff they didn't even if they came out when we were younger they never they never ever started having relationships

with people of the same gender until they got away from all of us yeah and like not in like a way of like oh everyone's gonna be like judgmental but it's like you know me i don't and also when you're exploring a new side of you you don't really want like a fucking like peanut gallery of people that you already know right you kind of want to like i don't know like i think there's something nice about the fresh start of that stuff yeah and people grow out of being an asshole and some people don't and then you say fuck them yeah and you ruin their life i like that you swipe left on you swipe fucking left you swipe left so hard you'll throw your fucking phone you're missing a really good hand gesture guys yeah um but yeah well makes me happy that she's now in a relationship

with that i just there's something like not to applaud a fish for swimming and actually i'm not gonna applaud her boyfriend for being like cool and great because like he should be fucking cool and great but i'm so glad that now we have like someone else who's been we have who's been through that and can tell you that they're in a relationship with the guy who isn't a fucking dick and really understands that because we can talk about the people that we know who are like that and all that stuff but now you guys when it's firsthand experience it makes it more relatable totally oh my god did you have a good time being on the podcast i did on this side i did i really did that chair to this chair yeah wait so what is the other yellow thing you have over there

on the chair my hat so your hat matched your shirt and your your your shirt matched your purse and then what's the other yellow thing on the ground that's the bag that has makeup in it okay wow you just have this she just says everything in two colors oh i didn't even realize that's what i thing i see it i was like i see it now i didn't see i was like what were you wearing earlier that you were like that you were paddington the bear it was raining so i put my hat on that it blew in yellow paddington the bear is it paddington the bear or just paddington bear hmm good me i'm paddington bear yeah oh i don't know i thought he was more professional just in case you wanted to paddington which paddington the bear that paddington isn't it like clifford the big red

dog clifford the dog you know yeah it's not paddington just paddington well um that's it for our episode guys if you enjoyed it make sure to uh leave us a review on itunes podcast app hit it up we're also on soundcloud if you're watching on youtube i'm gonna spew off all of those things for you um you can listen to our bonus episodes that come out uh every other week on stitcher premium you can listen ad free to us there you can use the code blame and get one month free hell yes and then if you guys want to follow instagram on our we don't blah meme pod and our own instagrams will be listed down below girl please dm us yes falling back we're going to figure this out for you we're going to do it he's done if your life is going to shit and you need

some help for an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 woo i love that you're mouthing that along uh and then if you're an international caller you can leave us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com and we will see you guys next week goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network