Don't Blame Me! - S3E12: Guest: Mats - Into Bad Boys?

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

My boyfriend Mats is back for another episode! This time we’re sharing our advice on what to do if you have a crush on your study buddy’s roommate, how to deal with lying to your boyfriend about how many partners you’ve had, worrying about your friend marrying a guy to help him get his green card, and comforting a spouse with mental health issues. We also have someone sharing their advice on getting a restraining order. Follow Us! @meghanrienks @dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by The Real Real, Nurx, and Betterhelp. Click Here for Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo) Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]  International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today our fantastic guest was not able to come since we got brought we got mox i'm kidding guys he was our planned guest he was hey babe what's going on um if you haven't listened to the first episode that we did of the podcast together you wouldn't know that um mott said some issues with breathing on the mic terrible terrible issues so now he's very much in his own head and is um turning away from the mic every time you're not speaking right yeah just you know i i know i freaked out a lot of people wasn't a great look no i did like the comments of people being like i kept pausing the podcast like what is that noise thinking it was like in their house is that a bird yeah like what is that

like breathing whistling windy noise and then it was just you breathing at least it wasn't like someone behind them or something like that right that's what you guys think if you hear some whistling just know just think like at least it's not somebody behind you it's just that weird dude i'm listening to on the podcast exactly um well uh amats is my boyfriend if you guys didn't know and if you didn't know what the that's feel like that's a really old they're new if they're new to the show if you're new to the show this is the person i talk shit about on the podcast who wouldn't know because he doesn't listen not true you listen yes what's the last one you listened to when i asked him that like two months ago he's like sasha's episode and i'm like oh so you don't

listen regularly um because manda wasn't even with us you don't remember what to last when you listen to us okay you know the safe answer is to throw out an acelyn episode yeah that's always the safest one how many has asm been on three four four oh wow she is our most frequented guest she gives great advice she does give great advice i get really good advice too well yeah that's why you're the host thanks fam um well guys if you are new here this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast um melissa's also here looking fine as hell so watch the video version too she had a sorority chapter meeting you'll see the full full outfit in a different episode yeah she's looking glam as hell everyone

I thought you were going to say the full episode of the sorority meeting and I was like for sure like bonus content GoPro body cam all about it guys if you want to leave a voicemail for an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 and for our

international listeners you can email us an audio file at meganpodcasts at gmail.com are you impressed that I haven't memorized I don't think I had memorized last time you were on yeah she knows that phone number by heart okay she does not know my phone number by heart what's my phone number i actually don't say that do you i only know your area code she said that several times on this show that i don't know your phone number in case something happens to her i can call the podcast yeah then she can

call the podcast but that's the only person she can call yeah how many people how many how often is the google voice account like every day yeah okay yeah yeah so julie will be like hey melissa megan's in jail she left a voicemail and then i'll get saved yeah or i'll call sydney and then sydney can then call people yeah because she can't do much in san francisco i'll be totally out of the loop apparently 100 i give everyone your area i have your phone number so i'd call you frankly yeah it'd be just a phone tree of someone big can anyone figure out if megan's okay who can pick her up oh so bad okay um well is this coming out around before valentine's day after so this is like a couple days after so it's like a post valentine's day i mean people

are calling with their problems not for like help with their not like love it like calling to like brag about how great their life is bragging about this is about problems so this is like post valentine's day problem solving oh we're all about problem solving here i like the drama more than like the gushy stuff anyway i don't want to hear about like your happiness i want to hear about your shit okay should we start let's do it let's begin hey megan i'm 20 years old and i'm in my third year at college um this semester i became friends with a guy in my class and he started inviting me over to his house a few times to do homework for class or just hang out i got to meet all his roommates and i ended up actually liking one of them the issue is the guy in my class got

in a fight with me because i was talking to him and then admitted that he had feelings for me which I told him that I liked his roommate and was not attracted to him in that way I don't know if I should stop talking to them because of this situation I'm still very attracted to his roommate and want to have sex with him honestly which is pretty rare for me but I stopped talking to him as much since the fight with his friend that's in my class and I also don't want the guy that's in my class to feel like i'm leading him on so if you have any advice on how you would navigate this situation thanks oh what why are you giving me that look do you want to start take it away actually had a very similar situation in college with one of my

best friends yeah um we were who won he did oh i know which friend this is then yeah either we met him yeah he's i mean great guy um he's a cutie we we had a i think it was an anthropology so anthropology or sociology or something like that and there was a girl that was in like our our smaller like study group and we both were into her and at first it was like kind of a joke like we were both like oh yeah you're into blank and oh yeah and then it kind of got progressively more competitive like over the course of like six weeks wow it must be great to be that girl like i would have fucking loved that um and there was i i like a school party or a date night or something and uh you know she like made her intentions known i came out on the short

end of this thing it's okay you got me yeah worked out obviously um and i think like at that point you know i know like she's asking for advice but i i wish the guy would kind of like you know you can't control how anybody feels and if that's the way she feels like don't waste your time fighting with your friend because or fighting with the girl because it's it's not gonna work in your favor yeah anyway like you you're out of college I'm sure there are other like suitable like girls or people that you can hang out with that are not her I just you know in college it just doesn't seem unless you really like someone you're in a relationship with them it just seems kind of pointless to like attach so much weight to someone that just you know it doesn't feel

yeah yeah no I think I think you're right because I think the whole thing is like a it's not like obviously the situation's not ideal but it's also like you didn't lead this guy on by being friends with him like that's the part that i'm like okay so you like if you already were able to develop a crush on his roommate you like obviously weren't doing anything romantic with this other guy like you guys were just friends and so i think that's fine um i think if he i don't know i think if he does maybe he has too much pride to say like the guy that who who likes you maybe he has too much pride to say like oh it's gonna be too hard to be friends but like yeah maybe you do pull back because you don't not like to not give him the wrong idea but also just

so like he can get over you and then i think you're like kind of in the clear to talk to the roommate but like that's the roommate's call like you're i don't think that you unless this guy that from your class was like one of your really really really good friends i don't think you owe him anything like i think like you you didn't lead him on or miss like yeah like mislead him by being like flirting with him and all or not even then she was honest with him yeah exactly you've already told him that you yeah not interested in him just and it's i also don't think it's her fault i mean her responsibility to protect like their roommate relationship like if his roommate wants to like if he's also into you and like he wants to also pursue that like i think that's on him and then

their relationship i don't think she has to do anything about it and don't hang out like at their place yeah just be respectful yeah no i yeah it kind of sounds like she wants to be the bigger person but she's already been the bigger person like she was honest you know she i i'm sure she wasn't like overly like cruel or mean with how she was honest so like i think you're right like you've already been the bigger person you don't have to like worry about their relationship that sounds like the guy's issue like if he can't yeah separate those feelings like that's something he has to work on and just like one like general thing for guys if a girl like agrees to be your study buddy or like you work together and like she goes to lunch with you at work or anything

like that doesn't mean the girl likes you yes yeah it's like that's not a that's not like the first indication that a girl likes you that's like the first indication that she tolerates your existence person maybe as a person and if anything develops past that that's awesome yeah but like i don't know there's a lot of guys like a lot of guys who are like oh this girl like we occasionally go to like trivia night together she must really want to have sex with me yeah like no yeah no it's all the guys being like oh you led me on you're like i responded to you when you texted me and when you asked me if i wanted to hang out i said sure it's like how is that leading on at all right it's just being friends yeah or being friendly and the whole thing is

too it's like that's i yeah i just i don't know i'm like a big fan of confrontation and just figuring shit out like right at the beginning so like that kind of shit would drive me crazy but i think you have every right to like do what you want to do without like avoiding like yeah just not going out of your way to do things that would hurt somebody's feelings in like uh i'd like in like a vow not like a valid way like everyone's feelings are valid but like you don't have to protect him and the relationship between him and his roommate because that's not up to you and also who knows maybe his roommate will be like oh no this is going to be too difficult for me this is going to be awkward so i'm not going to make that call so i wouldn't stress about it because

it's not your responsibility to make those calls like let them deal with the messy shit even though i like i like throwing myself into the messy shit i'm like this is fun confrontation except other people's you just roll your eyes a little bit we have video proof no comment okay okay everybody just rewind 20 seconds and comment below did he roll his eyes video can be doctored fake news exactly oh fuck off okay should we go on to the next hi megan um i am 18 years old and i just have a quick question so i have been super attracted to bad boys my whole life like boys with problems boys that like have mommy issues just like boys that have a lot and recently I like haven't been dating anyone it's been about like a couple years

since I've dated anyone and I just like took a break from it and then I found this boy that I've been talking to we met on Tinder lol but we have been talking a long time and we had our first date yesterday and I thought he was the greatest he's interested in everything that I'm interested in like we've been talking for a couple months and then we finally met and come to find out he is on probation and you know I just I really like him and he's interested in all the things that I'm interested in but I don't know if I should go on with this like I just don't know if bad boys are my thing like if I should stay away but I really like him and I really enjoy him and we are super similar we've gone through dramatic weight loss and stuff like that like

super similar so my question is should I keep this going even though he is on probation and he does have a history or should I cut it off because it's not good for me in the long run you can be completely honest I totally give you permission and I love your podcast and your show i listen every week and yeah i love you bye i love 18 year olds capacity to sound like they've like lived the life don't be me no i like you like experience but like also realize you're 18 you made a lot of life to go yeah that's very true um okay as somebody who like likes bad boys um you're not a bad no you're not you're probably you're i mean you're 100 the least bad boy i've ever like dated but like you're still like you're still like a former fuck boy there's a difference

between a fuck boy and a bad boy though no that's what i mean like that's like this is like i not i settled for something no but i'm saying like it's not like as much as like i dated like terrible bad boys that's the whole thing it's like you have to figure out what it is that you're attracted to in that so then like for me i dated a bunch of drug dealers like i had a whole string of dating drug dealers and drug addicts like that whole thing um and so for me it was kind of like when i when i like looked at it from that perspective of like oh i'm into guys like this we're like yeah fuck the school i'm gonna get expelled and then like as i got into college you're like fuck the police like i'm gonna do stupid shit like dating nwa

just so bad but like so but then like for me i then as i got older i kind of realized like okay i'm not like attracted to guys with a criminal record like i'm attracted to guys who like are confident in their decisions but like that doesn't necessarily mean that they have to be confident in their decision to like disregard the law like there are things that you can be attracted to in people like I like I yeah I like I like guys who just like like they're sure in where they're going and they like have drive and that drive doesn't always have to be like selling drugs like it can be something else so if you can break down what that is that you are attracted to like is it something like someone who has their shit together like that can be like something like

someone who yeah they just seem confident and all of that kind of stuff I would love to fucking know what he's on probation yes that should have been your number one thing that you told us because then we can judge better yeah yeah if he's in all seriousness if he's in if he's on probation for like a violent crime yeah that's like a hard pass get away if he's on probation for like drinking or like drugs that's like a little bit more of a gray area obviously yeah i think that yeah i think there's definitely and also like you did we do we know how young he is or how old he is she didn't say because i'd say too that also like depends on like that kind of age like is this something that like is not like he's on probation but is this is this something that was like oh i

did this when i was like 17 or i did this when i was like younger and this is stupid like is it kind of like a young stupid thing that he learned his lesson or is this like a oh yeah i've been stealing cars for the last like seven years of like my life since he's 12 like i've been saying she's dating doug judy i know we just walked brickland but yeah so like if it's something that like it's a hat like do they mean like something like that as opposed to i don't know something that he realized was really stupid and really dumb like doug judy realized yeah he's now dj's bar oh my god loved it such a good show guys um but yeah i think that's kind of what you need to figure out and um yeah i also wouldn't i like

as much as i say now at 25 i'm like oh i like i like that was my type and i dated that whole string of guys i wasn't aware of it when i was younger so i think being aware of it is really good and really great that you do tend to go for these guys um but i wouldn't say like accepting that as your type because i think the hardest thing to do is kind of realize that you do i don't know like have a pattern in the kinds of people that you pick it took me a long time to realize that so now that you've already realized that don't be like well i guess this is just like what i fucking do because it's not fun like you've seen those movies it's never fun to be like the wife or the girlfriend of the guy who gets arrested like she's always like in a shit place

you know like i yeah they've got a panic room like it's not good so i would just um what crime did this person commit i don't know i'm also thinking back to the time that acelyn went on a date with a guy but he was a convicted felon he was on uh was it probation that he was on no he was waiting on trial and we never got his last name so we don't know he also had like seven felonies. Why did she go out with somebody she can get his last name? It was a dating app. No, but she didn't think about oh, let me write down his last name and then

when she got home from the date after he told her he was a convicted felon, he had deactivated his profile so she couldn't find his last name. He had a certain roguish charm. No, he was a fucking chef. Was there someone that you picked for her? No. Believe me, this was pre that.

She was like, I'm going to relinquish this. She would not pick a chef. What? No, I wouldn't because I because because of the fact that like chefs if we want to go I mean below deck like Adam great love him um but um it I would just yeah I'm just like suspicious of any sort of like job that has like the stereotype of like being very egotistical like a chef is like it's like a we've all seen chef except he was so nice I would I would say you should definitely like call in for follow-up or yeah let us know what it is but I will bet you a hundred dollars right now the boyfriend's older than her like yeah like by more than three years okay oh that's a good

game guys so you gotta call us and let us know how much older is he than you and what's that if he is like four years older than you and he's on probation yeah that's like he's like 10 years old shut up oh do you think by she means bad boys she means she dates like old bad guys like guys i'm just thinking somebody in a wheelchair like not around red lights that's 10 years that's 28 okay true true true like guys that log on to their facebook at the library yeah they're like i need a web cafe an internet cafe um but yeah call us back let us know what he's on probation for and like what the age difference is and all of that stuff because that we can give you better advice but i think just in general don't pigeon

hold yourself to be like my type of guys is sucky you know don't do that because it's not going to end well for you okay on to the next hey megan um i am recently turned 22 um and i am in this amazing relationship with my boyfriend and we are actually expecting our first baby in may but my question is that whenever me and him first started dating um we obviously had a very open conversation about sex and, uh, what we like out of sex, um, uh, our experience with sex. And then also the topic of sexual partners came up and, you know, he told me that he'd only been with, uh, three people. Um, and then I told him I'd only been with one when actuality I've been with three as

well. but in my mind I don't count two of them because they were like one night stand and there was horrible sex and I never saw those guys again um so I they don't count to me but I don't know if that is me lying to him you know so sometimes I feel guilty that you know I told him uh the number that isn't you know exactly correct but other times it's like does it matter does it need to matter to him if it doesn't matter to me so I don't know I'm just curious what you think or your thoughts your thoughts on that thanks so much um well my instinct reaction is my number is like a like a guesstimate so I don't think that

like being too off is bad at all even if that means that like you you know what I mean like if that means you're forgetting too I feel like I might forget too and I would I wouldn't consider that lying i also think that as just women in general if sex is so terrible you shouldn't have to count it and also you don't have to count anything in general like if you don't want to um yeah i mean i i don't think that's like a a big deal i think if he was like if you had told him that he was the only person you had ever slept with i think that can kind of be a little off um but i mean i think just like she said like if it doesn't matter to her why like do you know what i mean like even then telling him it's gonna sound like it matters to you and that it should

like i'm a big believer in like if you don't think that there's like validity to something or something's not important to you by bringing it up you make it important even if you're like oh by the way this isn't important but like the second that you kind of give it that space like it makes like it seemed do you disagree no i i guess i can't tell if like the emphasis that you've attached to the number is and speaking like to the caller is is your emphasis like or is it because like he like has attached a lot of emphasis to the fact that you're like the only one he wait i thought she was she slept with one other person so she says she's up with two and he's up of three yeah but they've actually slept she told him that they said that she slept with one other

person but she's actually slept with three other people but so they've actually slept with the same amount of people yeah i guess i would say if you have a kid coming in may you got a lot bigger things to worry about than this so yeah i mean like would you care like would you care i could i yeah i this like i'm saying if it was you and me though would you care if i was like like oh psych it's honestly i would have to count on my fingers like nine or some so i don't know between like eight and eleven i yeah i wouldn't care and i think that's like the kind of thing like as you get older like it's not even really like a consideration yeah it's like something like when i was like 20 and if a girl been like i've slept with

x amount of guys i'd be like whoa but yeah i also think that's not like i as a younger guy i probably shouldn't have reacted that way it's like this weird emphasis that has been built up well yeah i was gonna say i i agree because i think like i remember numbers was a huge thing in high school like talking about it then so because you guys got together young that conversation is probably still happening with your peers and stuff And like your friends are still like asking. I remember when I was in college, I like would ask guys that I was like hooking up with most of them if I was sober and we were having conversations of being like, oh, like if I

was dating, I was like, oh, how many partners have you had? But then as I got older, it was like, when was the last time you got tested? Like it didn't become about like the number once I got like once you kind of get older. And so I would say I think that like this is just and like not to be ageist or whatever. like i think this is a really typical thing that you talk about in your like early 20s when you're dating so if you have friends who are single and they're having that conversation with you about people and like all that kind of stuff but i think if you guys hadn't ended up together until you were like 27 28 i don't think that like you would be harboring so much on those numbers it would

even come up yeah i mean i don't you know like i think it's like admirable that it made that you feel guilty for lying to him about this um i would say like if it's the kind of thing like if you're struggling with whether or not to tell him and be like i've actually slept with two other people yeah if it's really going to upset them i don't know if i would bring it yeah no i think i and i think the whole thing is it's like you're saying that i think what you're asking and i might be wrong is like if you should care about this more than you do because you're saying like what she's saying is that like she's like i don't find this important at all but like should i find this important because like the number is not huge do i mean like there's only they there's they've slept

with the same amount of people. Exactly, yeah. So I don't think that this is like... I think you should care less. Yeah, this is not like a Monica and Richard situation. We just watched that last night too. Where Richard has slept with two people. Two people.

And then Monica said that she had slept with... Less than a ballpark. Yeah. And he was like, what? And like panicked. But yeah, no. I don't think that you need to feel like this is... And like as somebody who hates lying,

I don't think you need to feel like this is a lie. Also so much because like... i i mean i i have friends who like didn't even discover their sexuality until they were like later and they don't count the girls that they've slept with as people that they slept with like now that they're out as like gay like as like as men that's what i mean it's like i don't think you necessarily need to i i think it's yeah this is like a non-issue yeah like you should be thinking about the child that's gonna be entering your life very soon why and wondering why you feel guilty yeah there's like a root to something like why is the reason that you feel guilty about this

yeah that's a good point that's a great point yeah so reflect on that and don't worry too much about the other stuff okay best of luck with your baby i hope you're naming it megan melissa oh i like that isn't that a good name it is a great name so cute you want to be mocking it too amanda and it do all of us okay guys we're gonna take a quick break and we'll be right back okay guys we are back from a break and we're gonna hop into the rest of the calls hey megan so i am 21 and my best friend is also 21 she's a few years she's a few months older than me um she turned 21 in july and i turned 21 in september so basically okay a little backstory So my boyfriend has a boyfriend and they've been together for less than six months.

And she basically told me the other day that they are planning on getting married. And I am nothing I have nothing against like, you know, young marriage, I think it's the sweetest thing ever. i follow a few bloggers who are married young and i love them it's you know yes but in my opinion like marriage is just such an important and important decision that i feel like she's just like doing it quickly because like she loves him and because they'll be good together and because like it would help him get his papers because he's portuguese and he's like doesn't have his documentation um so basically like it's just crazy because I was like we've talked about it and I'm

like okay you know I support you but whenever I bring up like oh like you know like are you sure like mind you he's only 20 I didn't add that he's only 20 years old he has a good financial job he gets paid good you know he but they're not they don't live on their own yet and my family is very like big on like you know if you get married you move out like you have your own life like you know you're grown and I just like I know you're gonna say it's none of my business because it really isn't but she's literally like a sister to me and I just don't want her to like get married and then something happens on down the line and it's just like oh like I don't want to be like you know I told you to wait but it's like how basically my question is how do I come about like

not making her wait but like making her notice that like she's doing it too soon because like I know her like the back of my hand and she's literally she's like rushing into this to help him get his papers and like I know that's the reason and it just gives me literally so much anxiety like I know it's not my life but she's my best friend and I love her and I want the best for her so yeah just please give me some good advice because I don't know what to do with her thanks bye true story we had a friends when we first moved out here i a friend of a friend he was this french guy and he legit ran this scam to get his papers okay he found he found a girl like in a west hollywood club french guy like date her for a couple months very like tall good-looking

uh they got like a quickie marriage and then got divorced like five months later i have no idea be a year it has to be a year right doesn't it yeah it's got to be longer than whatever like the shortest amount of time you watch the proposal come on oh true it's a proposal situation yeah i have a friend with paula from lisbon i have a friend that did marry a guy this is before gay marriage was legal and she married a gay guy because he needed his papers and it was a show for her and she didn't even have feelings for him at all um so if your friend actually has feelings then i just can't imagine if they don't end up working out like i can't imagine this being good well yeah i can't see this one working well this is this is what i'm gonna say though so one

of my friends um her boyfriend is italian and uh they so her boyfriend is italian and they'd been together for a good amount of time like it was definitely more than six months but like it wasn't a crazy long amount of time and like they had have they had to have serious conversations like pretty early on about like okay i don't like i'm here on like a student like a work student or student or work visa and like if they were going to continue dating are we going to do that long distance or like what would happen and they had like a serious conversation about like they thought like you know what like push comes to shove like we would probably get married like it would just make it easier in that sense of it and it wasn't like such a serious thing he ended up getting his

green card in the lottery in a green card lottery so they ended up not getting married but like i think like if your friend is gonna go through like exactly like you said the fucking headache of it all like it is and like i have another friend of a friend who like went through this with their girlfriend like it's such a fucking it's so hard and such a fucking shit show that like they don't make it easy for you so like the first fucking meeting that you go to it's gonna like scare potentially scare the shit out of her and if she really really wants to go through with it that's because she really really really does like love him other like she's going to be as much as you're trying to protect her more than anything like the united states is like hey fuck off we don't want

anybody here that kind of thing like so I don't think that you need to like play that like voice of a reason because you no matter what it's going to come from a personal place as a friend versus like someone who's like a third party like government employee who's going to be trying to like like really like rattle them in a way that really see how much she wants it and I think the only thing that happens from you inserting yourself in the situation is just going to make her mad at you and resent you and I will also say like your feelings with your family like marriage means you move out and all of that kind of stuff like that's your family that's like what your view and not everyone's view of marriage is the same I think yes getting divorced would totally like getting

divorced totally would suck but I also don't if that's not death like that's not the worst thing that could happen in your life I'm think if people want to I don't know like put labels on things with government involvement or not i don't think it's your business to protect people and you just yeah you need to let people make their own mistakes but at the same time maybe there's like a part of you that like is doesn't like i mean if one of my if my best friend got married at like 21 i would be pissed because i would be like i was like single at 21 and it was kind of like well you're my best friend like i don't want this like that's my my friends and i joke about like the first one to get married it's like who's gonna leave the part who's gonna leave the party the

earliest like who's gonna go first and I think like maybe there's a part of you that doesn't yeah feel like you want to you're end up gonna lose losing your friends to the situation which I think then just make an effort with your friendship with her but if you spend your whole time in your friendship and she's basically like your sister like giving her advice like unsolicited advice on this I just don't think then if anything did happen she's not gonna come to you because she doesn't feel like you're gonna be able to like listen and support her without saying i told you so i think the main thing is that she's worried about her friend being heartbroken if this doesn't work out and your friend can be heartbroken yeah you can't type

of relationship i know marriage is like something that's way more official yeah and she could have to go through like a lot of terrible things but i feel like this is a lesson she's gonna you can say your feelings but it's ultimately it's gonna be a lesson that she has to learn on her own yeah you can't protect people from like all of the hardship they're that they're gonna face in their wives and also as somebody who's like done that and like told friends like oh i don't think that or even like with like you married someone so they could get their no thank you thank you so much oh this is how he's here yeah welcome um no but like i have definitely like when i was younger kind of said my i don't know like said my shit on my friends and who they dated and like if i

didn't like their relationship or something like that and as i've gotten older i've kind of been like you know what like this is something that like the only thing that ever did it was unless it was like a really extreme situation which even in the extreme situations all I did was create like divide and tension between me and my friends and then made them feel like when shit did inevitably hit the fan like I the smart person knew it would they didn't talk to me about it like and I think if you really care about her as a sister and a friend I think your responsibility is just to be there for her own happiness and yes logically you can think like well statistically this might not work in all of these things but if this is going to make her happy right now

you just have to be in that camp like and just so she can talk to you about it yeah i mean statistically speaking it's probably not going to work out moss is a capricorn a young marriage it's like yeah much higher rate of attrition and with the extra like yeah variable of a non-american national getting married i think your instincts are probably right but if your instinct is you don't want to lose your friend megan is probably right you really yeah should probably keep you know keep your peace and if things work out then that's a really great story and congratulations to them and if it doesn't then that's when you can kind of swoop in as a good friend and be like you know it sucks yeah as megan said it's not death or you know like

a health scare or anything it's something that can be worked through and then you can be the great friend that sounds like you are then i would say the only thing i'll add to that is i don't know if you've said anything to her already or if this is just like subtle hints but i think like you do if it will make you feel better i also think it could be a great thing just to like take her to coffee and be like i just want to have a conversation with you i know you are so happy and you're so in love but i just want to let you know at any point during this like and say like i really like him i think he's awesome i think you guys are great together you seem so happy i know that like this is going to be a really difficult process and i just want you to

know at any point if you be if you start to freak out and you're like oh my gosh am i making the right decision. Like, talk to me about it. Like I'm going to be here for you through the whole thing. So open up that door of communication because maybe, maybe she is panicking and freaking out underneath it all and know what you haven't said anything. But I think if you just kind of lay it there of being like, Hey, how can I help you during this process to like, make this easier for you? Like, I know this is going to be a tough time. Like, let me know what I can do. And like, I'm obviously I'm your best friend. Like I'm always here. Like if you need anything she'll know what that means and then you can kind of keep that line of communication open

but if you've already said shit on shit on shit on shit i think like this is where you just like stop and you're just supportive of her happiness and cross your fingers that it works out on to the next hi megan i am 28 years old and i am married to my husband we've been married for three years and we have a new baby um and he's a really great husband a great dad we're best friends and soulmates the only problem is he doesn't really understand in my perspective mental health as far as anxiety social anxiety and depression so I suffer from all three lucky me every once in a while I usually deal with it pretty well I've had it for as long as I can remember so I have my own little techniques to deal with it but recently I've decided that I need

to telling people when I'm not feeling the best. So if I'm feeling anxious or dissociative, I feel like I need to let him know because if I don't, it'll come out as me having anger or just being sad and snapping at him for no reason. So last night I was sitting on the couch and I just got hit with a wave of anxiety, I guess, and kind of like feeling like I wasn't there.

So I told him, you know, hey, I'm not feeling that great today, and I just want to let you know that. And his response was, well, what's wrong? We have a perfect life. We have a great life. Everything's fine. What's the problem? And we've had this conversation many times before, and then it leads to an argument, and it leads to him being mad at me, and then I'm even more upset, and I'm crying, and then he storms away because he doesn't understand. am so what I'm wondering is how do you deal with your significant other or friends or family

and whenever you're trying to express your mental health to them and they just don't understand it and he wants to try to help and I try to tell him all I need him to do is just comfort me maybe give me a hug but he still really doesn't get it and I'd hate it to become arguments because that's the last thing you want to do when you're feeling depressed or anxious is to argue uh okay so if you have any advice for that that'd be great thank you love your podcast bye i figured this would be the perfect one for this episode that's really targeted so did you like put this like one of your friends no no no i know i know we're all friends we are all friends they're little fuckers and us uh well as our if our facial expressions didn't give it away this is

obviously very pertinent to our lives this call um i guess i would say as someone that's has been in your husband's position um and like we've been making jokes over the podcast that i'm a capricorn the um uh the generalization uh is that capricorns like are unemotional and very like cold which i'm an aquarius so hold some water you know kind of true yeah there's some truth to that certainly with me like i i will fully fully say that like i emotion and like overt emotion is definitely something that like makes me um uncomfortable and like i definitely have to think about it more and like be more aware of like how i react to it because my normal reaction

is to be like uh peace it feels good um yeah but i would say like you should just keep you have to like keep talking to your husband because that's the only thing that's like really helped me um with like that because i like what you just described is something that has happened to us like many times well not many times but okay many times uh and you know you yeah you just have to um you have to you have to talk about when it's when it when it's as you just described in the call which is random and and very much like sometimes it just comes on um and there's not a reason there's not a trigger there's not anything like tangible in the moment that makes you feel that way it's just something that happens to you and you have to deal with it um and i would say

the other thing that's important is when you excuse me when it does happen and there is a reason like something happens you feel sad about it you need to talk about that too because i think like being very like communicative about the times when it's just there isn't a trigger and the times that there are will be like helpful for him to like be more empathetic um more understanding and more uh better equipped to not storm off i guess if that makes sense yeah no i would say i think like i don't know what you've talked to him about and like things that make you feel better but we've had that conversation so many times of like yeah this will happen where i will just like be feeling anxious or depressed and then you'll be like

is are we okay and i'm like yeah and then it becomes like we're arguing about like the origin of it and i think you're right in the sense that like you should be telling him when it's sparked by something and when it's not sparked by anything and then also like we've had conversations when i'm not feeling that way like maybe a day after or something like that where it'll be like hey fyi in general when i'm feeling really shitty like this this is what like will make me feel better and just reminding of it and i think like it's i will even say like it's really hard when you're feeling shitty to then be patient with somebody else and their reaction to it but also like if he doesn't struggle with that in the same way that you do because that's the

whole thing. It's like even if you both struggle with like mental health or and he just you get everyone goes through it very differently. Even like my friends and I want to be we go through it in very different ways. I think you need to cut him a little bit of slack as well in the sense that like you should have some conversations with him, not just in the moment, because that's a really heightened, like high stakes experience for both of you. And you're right in the sense that like the last thing that you want to fucking do when you are feeling anxious is then get into a fight about that but i think if you can like later on after something like that has happened or even like before just striking up a conversation and being like hey you know there are some times

where i just will feel real and just explain really plainly like i'll feel really terrible and shitty and it won't be for any reason i promise promise you if it's for a reason or if it's for something that you said or that you did or that happened in my day i will totally tell you what it is. But then the times that I'm not telling you, I'm not, I'm saying that it's based on nothing is because it is based on nothing. And it's based on like the chemicals in my brain. And I'm not, this isn't a trick. Like I'm not trying to like not tell you that you did something wrong. Like this isn't sort of some punishment thing. And when I'm in those times, like these are the things that would really help that you could do. And like, we've even had that where

I will like, we'll be having like, I'll like be feeling shitty about something and like he'll Capricorn it and be like do you want some space and I'm like babe do I ever want space and he's like no you're right and so sometimes people's instincts we we are so used to like treating other people how we would want to be treated so there's some times where like I'm feeling a certain way and if you were in the situation you would want to do something differently and so your instinct is to be like I'm gonna give someone space but then in that maybe your boyfriend yeah we've had these conversations a lot of the times about like when you're having when you're going through something what you want the other person to do

and then so we're just we usually rely on doing what we would want so he you need to basically really help him see that these are what's going to make you feel a lot better um versus like he might not be going about this from like a dick move or being an asshole this might just be how he would like to break it down and talk about feelings if he was going through it it doesn't necessarily mean that he's not being understanding of it he's just doing what he would want so i think like i mean at least like you cannot say if it's true but do you feel like if we have a conversation when i'm not feeling shitty about like what makes me feel better like that sticks more than like in the moment yeah i think like what you just said is pretty true um we're so

just to be clear like we both the two of us both like struggle with depression um and when i'm depressed like i usually need two things i need solitude and i need like something to do so the number one thing i do when i'm depressed and i'm not at work or like otherwise occupied um is go hit golf balls because you're by yourself and you're doing something that like takes your mind off whatever is like upsetting you or the fact that you are upset and so when we were dating earlier in our relationship because that worked for me I obviously it's human to assume that it works for everyone else that Megan you want to go hit golf balls no like you know like oh you're not if you're not feeling well like you know you need some space and then like do you do you want

or you know read a book or whatever um and that doesn't work for uh doesn't work for everyone i think like when you're talking to them as megan said probably better not to get super deep into it in the moment wait until like the day after if you want to be like hey yesterday i was feeling really down when i'm feeling really down it would really mean a lot to me if instead of like saying you know you can't be depressed because we have a great life which is like doesn't work that way dude um you know can you you know be great if you would just like sit down and put your arm around me or like you know like i don't know if your boyfriend's like a naturally funny guy or like it'd be great if you sat down and put your arm around me and like told me a funny story or

whatever uh but you know that just you know goes back to my earlier points you have to be like really overly communicative because when we were starting dating when we started dating especially after we started living together because I think it's obviously a lot different when you live to live together when you don't you kind of don't have these moments as much um we uh you know it took some time for I mean still working on it but it definitely took some time to like realize that like what i need when when i'm not feeling great is like very different um from what megan needs and we still we to this day like we still work on it there are still times and like i'm depressed and megan's like you know her instinct do you want to hug do you want to

talk to me you know like let's and i'm like no i really just need to like i'm gonna go like read my book or like watch you know watch something that like is meaningful to me or go hit golf balls and there's still times when making it suppressed i'm like oh this is probably a good time for me to go you know watch like netflix or not not so yeah but you just have to you have to be really especially if he doesn't know like what that feels like like if he's like a type a always on up person like you have to be way way like over the top communicative with him yeah and i think the last thing i'll end on is like in the moment when you're feeling really anxious and depressed i think the most important thing is that's not a teaching moment for him that's like a self

preservation self-care moment for you so if you're feeling that way i don't think it's the time to dive into that kind of conversation if he starts to say something like that just be like can i just of a hug that's all just say exactly what you want from him and she's like i don't really want to talk i just want can you just cuddle me okay do we have is it time for for um i wrote it down so it's gonna be four words that we just can't do it's don't blame them don't blame them it should be easy to remember very easy you change one wait so this is the true test of the last episode you listen to what is this oh that means you haven't listened in like a whole season yeah that's not true no but well let's don't blame them no i i like you you just listen to the first two

two minutes and then cut it off yeah no i listen to like the first i listen to the calls okay i'll explain it to your guest um so this is when callers um listeners call in and they give their own advice on previous episodes yeah he has not listened in a long time that's okay i told you i also told him to like like like you know like lean back out of it because i was talking about him a lot nothing so this is from the episode with zach cornfield where it's a good episode it's a good i really love that one so the original caller she um was getting weird things in the mailbox from her ex like target cards and just money and she hated that he was just like showing up on her property and he would and he wouldn't really say anything also a target card

step it up come on yeah yeah maybe an olive garden certificate sephora amazon right amazon would be the outback steakhouse that you really want to get back into her heart blooming onions that sounds good and so this the um person that's calling in with their advice has similar situation oh my god all of you guys have stalkers i've never had a i know i shouldn't like be jealous but like but you have gotten a restraining order i mean oh true yeah so that was cool i don't know i just i told you the story about my not stalker but oh yeah yeah that's a good one hi megan and melissa i just want to um give some advice for one of the callers uh this is the episode with zach and this is the last call um where the girl broke up with her boyfriend that

they've been dating for two and a half years and he sends her stuff in the mail and she's uncomfortable. You mentioned that if he continues to come to her house that she can get a restraining order. Actually, she can and probably should get a restraining order right away and she doesn't need any more evidence. I was also in a relationship for two and a half years where my ex was extremely toxic and emotionally and just verbally abusive and what happened was when we broke up he didn't take it very well and I was scared to death so what I did was I took screenshots of every single thing he said to me and then I printed all of them out and I filed for a restraining order and then we summoned him we took him to court and

And with the evidence that I had provided, which were just merely screenshots, the judge granted me a restraining order. And even if he doesn't show up for court, given the evidence that I've had, I could have still gotten a restraining order. So the caller shouldn't have to wait any longer. If she feels uncomfortable, she should probably go and file a restraining order right now today. And it's free.

even if you know she feels like he's no longer a threat it's just for that peace of mind that knowing that if he does ever try anything again he's gonna get in trouble so that's that not to defend myself but i did say it you probably didn't hear on the original call but it depends on what state you're in so i had said i didn't know what state that she was in so my only experience with restraining orders is in california um and i also don't even know if it's different county to county like what i know i don't know i think it would be stable yeah all i know is my lawyer had told me when i was like how do i get a restraining order that they were like the next time that they're on your property which they were then it was like you need to call the cops to have

a record and once you have a call and record of them being on your property you're going to be able to get that that that was a requirement also maybe it's changed in the last like two or three years three uh who cares when it was yeah what you're like looking at me like what was the what was the day do you not remember what i'm talking about of course i remember what i'm talking about okay well i remember the time okay yeah so i don't know if that's also changed so yeah no i definitely think like 100 that that's the thing that you should go through um and i think it's great hopefully california has actually changed the laws where you don't need to have had them on your property which i always thought was really fucking backwards and it made no sense for like

celebrities who had stalkers where it was like oh no you have the next time they're on your property you need to like call and it was like this is so creepy that you kind of have to wait for this and i had a friend who it took her a really long time to get a restraining order against somebody um who was like violent because she had to wait until like it posed an imminent threat like physically like in like a certain vicinity like of where she lived um so yeah so i think like it's yeah i'm sure read up on the laws um but i definitely think before like if the other caller from the original call is listening um i don't even necessarily really remember everything i had said in that but i think like the first like the most helpful information you can get

is calling the police immediately and saying and they'll tell you like hey yes this is the these are the steps that you need to take or like this is what you can do now and like this is their job they're very helpful um so if i made it seem in the original call that like you needed to wait it was more like this was my own experience yeah and my own personal experience it might not even be the same anymore and that it doesn't mean that i think that that's something you should do it was just something that i had to go through those like like check off those boxes in order to get to where i got um and maybe documenting everything yeah always so many pictures so many screenshots of everything that's uh we should have definitely said that the first time but that's what i

did i'd like don't throw away things um if you're in the situation yeah well that was what the the caller gave yeah no she's right she like yeah she ronica mars that shit never it's never been easier to document everything so take advantage it's very true yeah well guys that is it for our episode thanks babe for being on uh always a pleasure did you have a good time yeah this always really fun did you like it more than the first time um i i thought this i the advice was a little bit better this time i will say that the one call we had the last time about wait i don't even remember oh you don't remember it was a whole year ago yeah yeah uh about the the young woman whose boyfriend's mom was like really good friends with his ex-girlfriend

that is lived with me that's such an irritating but you have to keep in mind that we hear like we hear so much shit not shit but like we hear a lot yeah but that was like go back and listen that episode okay we will one of the boyfriend's mom ones that forever lives in my brain is the boyfriend's mom who told the girl that she needed to get a boob job because her boobs are too small he hasn't listened because that was recent it was recent so um well to catch up um thanks for being on babe happy belated valentine's day oh yeah well happy pre-valentine's day no it's belated when this is up i know but we're recording okay well you're ruining like the the podcast magic um well if you guys enjoyed this episode

and you watched it check it out on the podcast app or on stitcher or on soundcloud or just go to don't blame me dot show to figure out where you can listen to it and if you're listening go watch the video version see how awkwardly far apart mons and i are sitting this whole time i swear we're dating yep there's an awkward handhold all of it yeah looks very forced that was weird we're just like at that point we've been dating a lot you know if you see couples who do like youtube videos yeah they've been dating for like four months and they're all over each other yeah like on each other's lap and it's like this is what like comfortability is this is what like i don't know how long three years something three and a half years something

you don't even know no don't even know anymore don't care nope not at all uh no i do care um but uh if you guys want to follow us on instagram we're at don't blam meme pod i already said you can watch the video version and if you want to follow melissa and i our socials be listed down below and if you want to call in for a future episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners can leave us an audio message at meganpodcast.gmail.com and i got a just a couple house cleaning things um if you're calling in to give advice or calling back for the um bonus episodes please please please let us know what episode that the call is from um just because we get so many okay um well guys um we'll see you next time goodbye