Don't Blame Me! - S3E14: Guest: Kati Morton - Moonwalking Out of a Situation

Episode Date: March 4, 2019

Licensed therapist Kati Morton is here this week! We’re sharing our advice on what to do if your ex joins a dating app immediately after breaking up with you, confronting your friend about making bad choices, invading a co-worker’s privacy, and being comfortable in your own sadness. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her advice on not being happy in your first year of college. Buy Kati’s Book: Are u ok?: A Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health Follow Us! @meghanrienks @katimorton @dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Nurx, We Are Okay, Daily Harvest, Hourglass Cosmetics, and Bioclarity. Take our survey: www.podsurvey.com/BLAME Click Here for Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo) Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today we have somebody you've been requested did you know that oh really you have been requested a lot you have like a lot like people are like do you know who this is i'm like of course i know who this is this is katie morton everybody but you also moderated a panel that i was on on vidcon yes which was how i was introduced to you and then i think a lot of the world aka also my boyfriend when i told him who was coming on the podcast today was introduced to you through shane dawson's of course jake paul series yes and he was like are you gonna ask her about it and i was like i mean maybe i mean there's really not that much to say about it well how was that experience for you it was actually

really fun yeah really cool and shane is honestly so wonderful no yeah i love him i love him like i'd met him i'd been on his podcast a few years before and that's how he knew who i was or whatever um and when he asked me about initially we weren't it wasn't even jake paul it was like uh just so like sociopaths yeah you know psychopaths serial killers and we were like and so i was reading a bunch of books about it because it's not my specialty or whatever um and yeah it was really fun it's it's kind of ironic that people even had any like bad things to say about it in our point of view because when we finished like doing the jake paul thing and talking with him and his family and blah blah we got together afterwards and we're like that was

such a feel good like we did such good oh we just felt so good about it and then like two months later it comes out and he's like what the fuck happened i'm like i don't i don't know i don't i loved it i i actually really liked it too as a viewer like because there were certain ones that i had no idea like i wasn't part of yeah um and it was really fun i had no regrets you know so interesting also i just like love to hate the ball brothers so like it was great like it was great content to hate watch that didn't support them financially you know totally because like that's my biggest thing with hate watching is I'm like well I don't want to give you money because like I'm not doing this yeah from like a good place yeah you don't want to give them a view

yeah but I was like oh now I get to give Shane a view and I love him yeah yeah would you tell our viewers if they don't know who you are uh what what you do and what your specialty is because I mean I know but I won't I won't I won't spoil it so my name is Katie Morton I'm a licensed therapist and my specialties are eating disorders and self-injury work and I have a mental health channel on youtube where i answer all your questions it's so good guys uh we also have melissa here as always hello uh well guys this is an advice podcast it's called don't blame me if you are new here this is where we listen to your voicemails and give you some advice and if you uh need some advice you want to call in the phone number is 310-694-0976 i almost said your

phone number because i just memorized melissa's phone number that would be terrible yeah no no don't worry i won't do it i gotta i gotta get rid of your phone number now so i don't forget the podcast number uh and for our international listeners slash viewers you can leave us an audio file in an email at leave us an audio file record an audio file send us an email with it at meganpodcast at gmail.com and um yeah this is gonna be great because this is like you're like a professional and like we i just like i mean i don't lie and say i'm professional because i did used to have a series on my youtube channel when i was like 16 called dr megan and i was like oh yeah that's not allowed 16 year old you was just like this is fun yeah and i feel like if anybody

was taught that i'd be like oh she's a real doctor like okay i'm like yeah you're a child i'm a child i have like an ikea canopy in my bedroom like there's like a like the sticker skylines that you can put on walls and stuff like it was very it was like tiffany blue it's very clear like a white jacket no no i had like feather hair extension like it was like 2011 to a t so um but yeah so i'm so excited for this because now um now we actually have professionals i know it's a really big deal i hope i now i'm like gonna be self-conscious about my advice oh you're totally fine experience like i always tell my viewers i'm like with expertise and experiences when you get like a full yeah well-rounded chunk of advice that's true that's true i've got some

life experience but i just don't know how much i'm gonna be like here guys this is what you should do so you can say this is what i did yeah doesn't always work out but shall we begin of course hi megan i'm 22 years old and let me just say i've been literally watching to like watching oh my god I don't even know how to talk right now I've been watching you forever and I love you so much um but I have been having an issue with people just taking advantage of me I don't really know how to say it but I'm a very giving person and I um I don't know I'm really ahead of most people in my life like career right career wise maturity wise um so if I want to go do something I'm always the one to pay for it.

I took my boyfriend of six years almost to Disney World with me last year. I've taken friends on other trips. I always pay for my one friend to go out to eat. I'm just always paying for other people. And then people will, like, hit me up to go do something and then just not bring money with them. And I know it's kind of like my own doing, but I just don't know how to deal with this situation.

like it sucks because I know it's my fault but also I feel like people shouldn't be taking advantage of me um I've kind of just gotten to the point where if my boyfriend wants to go do something um like I just ask him how he wants to pay and most of the time he wants me to pay and I just say no I don't want to do that or um like I want to go on another vacation but I don't have anyone to go with if I don't pay for somebody else so I'm just kind of like stuck in this time in my life where I guess no one's on the same level as me but if I want to go somewhere or do something I always have to pay for the other person and it's just getting really fucking old and I'm probably like repeating myself like a hundred million times but I'm just like really

frustrated and I just think it's really really unfair um and I don't want to cut these people out of my life because they mean a lot to me and I don't think they need to be doing it but also how do I have that conversation with them that they're taking advantage of me and that I don't appreciate it okay well hopefully you can give me some advice I love you thank you bye wow people fucking suck yeah they well but it goes both ways yeah like she said I'm pretty sure I'm part of it and she is because boundaries are our responsibility so like we're gonna go out to lunch and you just expected me to pay or something it would be up to me as the person on the other side to be like want to split it or oh you know i'm not gonna pay like yeah i mean

yeah i know it's uncomfortable people are really uncomfortable about money but the fact people just expect that is really fucked up yeah like also like the vacate like her boyfriend even yeah six years boyfriend that to me i'm kind of just like whoa and so i don't know maybe in my head because i've gotten into like i'm a very confrontational person but like money is where it gets really uncomfortable and i've had like two really i think two really massive like friend issues and falling out uh with people regarding money and like and yeah i'll confront anybody about fucking anything like i love i'm the friend who like if my friends have beef with someone like do you want me to talk to them for you like i got this like get a high off

of it um but then when it comes like money stuff like i had a roommate situation in which like they had calculated my rent to be almost twice as much because i could like afford more that's not how that works exactly and so like that put me in like a really and like i it was the first time ever that i was like oh i don't know how to act with this because like there is some sort of guilt i felt about making more money that i was like oh should i be doing this but i'm like but you didn't ask me like if you had asked me it would have been different as opposed to the assumption also don't just pay rent based on what you can pay you split it according to the space that you occupy or if there's like a way of like my like boyfriend moved in with me and like my rent was more

expensive than and i moved in like and just living by myself and i was covering all the rent so when he moved in i was like oh you don't have to pay half like you wouldn't choose to live in like an expensive place as much as i like this i'm like so pay what you were paying at your last place but like those conversations have to be had I just feel like that's I think like you're right in the sense that like she needs to draw those boundaries but at the same time like how I don't know like as a friend I would feel uncomfortable like taking advantage me too that's why I think those people aren't very good friends or said he's not willing to cut them off which I totally understand because those that's your friend group what are you gonna do but I think there needs to

be conversations and i would probably tell her to practice ahead of time because a lot of times we go into like confrontations if we're not into them and then we like blank out we're like oh i don't know we like i call it like moonwalking out of a situation we're like oh i didn't mean to just like skate backwards and then like fade away yeah but if you practice ahead of time and you have like your points and you practice saying it out loud then when you get there you're usually more confident to like have the real conversation um so that's what i would encourage her to do and figure out what's okay because in regular i don't know if you agree but like in regular life like if it was your birthday yeah i'd be like i'm gonna treat you megan i'll take you out totally

i'd be fine with that both ways other than that every once in a while you can treat someone but paying for vacation always being the one to pay for anything that you do no no and i'm usually a big believer in like uh like not everybody's going to be in the same financial situation and if you want to do something that costs more money and your friends can't afford that then if you want to do that like sure treat your friends to go do that with you but the fact that then they're planning stuff that they have no intention of paying or not even bringing their money yeah i think that's like something in which like that's like definitely uh if you if she doesn't if you don't want to say i don't know like oh you guys don't make as much money as me and like kind

of come at it from that angle like i think definitely like honing in on the fact of i understand there are times in which i want to do something that not everybody can afford and like there are times when I'm like happy to cover that so we can all share that experience. But then when it's like something that some, like one of you guys wants to plan that involves like me footing the bill, like that to me just feels like taking advantage. So I would definitely focus especially on that.

And I would, I mean, I also kind of would start with the friends, not the boyfriend. Yeah. The boyfriend's going to be the most tricky. Cause you'll get the practice first. And then also maybe if you then tell him like,

yeah, so I was talking to my friends about this and then maybe then he'll be like oh i'm kind of getting it i mean i don't really think he's going to but maybe in my experience you have to tell them directly it's true my friend's mom always says that boys don't mature past the age of seven she's like that's when they stop eight like growing up and i just finally work like my husband if he's listening this is like but i think direct to them like direct communication like i swear to god i'll have to say like no this is about you oh it's about me you can't hint around you just have to like go in for it so i think friends are

easiest to like yeah get practice yeah and um i just also i wouldn't feel guilty because i definitely know that there's like i was like financially independent way before most of my friends were and there was like an aspect of feeling kind of guilty for um yeah for like i don't know like being successful yeah and i think that they're like there shouldn't be but i understand that so i don't want you to feel like um it's not uh an okay thing and as much as like you yeah you you you kind of set a precedent i think also your friends really took advantage of it in a way that i don't think like everybody naturally would yeah because there's no way i'd let someone pay for stuff for me my friends would never no ever fucking let me do that like at all

even when i paid for one of my girlfriends she's had her birthday a few months ago and i was like oh I'll get dinner and she's like no no no no and I was like yes yes yes yes like that's a normal reaction and I'm curious like where she works or what she does because maybe you should make a friend at work that makes a similar amount of money so that this isn't all you have to like because this isn't normal I feel like in a way because this person tend like might struggle with boundaries they've found people who you know take advantage of that yeah and I don't really like it when I feel like someone's being exploited it kind of feels that way to me no it does and I mean i definitely had a roommate who lived with me for like nine months and didn't pay rent yeah

but i didn't even realize i had like i didn't really realize like in my head i was like oh i wasn't i kind of like skirted around this confrontation and like addressing it head on and like i never really talked about these things because like i also i'm guilty of assuming other people of being on the same page as me a lot of the time and like reacting to situations how i would and how i would never take advantage like oh that would never happen and then i was like oh shit now it now it does it totally does it's different when it's us it's easy to look out and be like oh i would never let that happen to me but it's things don't happen overnight it's not like all of a sudden they're like oh i want this blah blah blah it like starts slow and erodes

away like what's normal what you're used to yeah um so yeah i guess start small practice what she wants to say figure out what what you're comfortable with like i like the idea of like oh if there is something that's too expensive but i really want to do it and you're the people that i want to be there then that could be something that we negotiate and i'm okay with um or they pay a portion a portion what they could afford yeah um because that's even like like just reminded me that i went out to we go to mammoth mountain to go snowboarding a lot and i knew that not everybody could afford to pay the full amount of the condo we were renting and so i just charged people like what we normally get because we wanted a nicer place yeah and so i just charged them like

the 110 a night that we normally pay even though i was paying let's say like 50 bucks on top of that but that made everybody happy and i was happy to do it it was my husband's 40th birthday you know like those are the things you kind of do yeah and i would also say i think like as much as you really want to preserve these like friendships i think what's more important is setting the boundaries and i think like if you start to sense that you kind of drawing this line has them pulling away i think you need to let it happen because that's what happened with when i I was like oh I'm gonna be moving and so with the person who lives there I was like oh I'm gonna be moving and I'm gonna do it solo kind of thing like we stopped being friends and immediately I was

like oh okay so like I was so worried about doing this but then the second that I kind of like stood up for myself in the moment I was like it was so clear that I was trying to preserve a friendship that somebody else wasn't really trying to and so I think like don't try and back out of it because like I again I've also definitely been guilty of kind of sensing when somebody's pulling away from our friendship and then being like oh moon fully moonwalking out of it be like oh i take it back no no i didn't mean that yeah it's really okay whatever you can so um yeah because there there will be like great people in your lives who won't kind of do that like do that and yeah it's again it's one of those things like if i brought my friend on a trip then like every time we would

get dinner i'd like oh let me grab my college oh no i paid for it like you already brought me here like that kind of thing to make you feel like that um but yeah i definitely think you got to have those uh real conversations yeah and i think on like another side note that just made me think of something i talk about a lot on my channel and with my patients is talking positively to yourself to build up your own confidence because i think getting taken advantage of usually comes from a place of i'm not worthy or they i can give this to them and that's why they like me and that's the only reason and if that is the only reason you deserve better yeah so like if they start to pull away that is a good thing because that means they're shitty friends yeah and they're not really

friends they're just users and they'll move on to someone else they can mooch off of and so it'll be a good not a test because i don't really like thought of testing but it'll be a like a litmus test that you're just putting out there a healthy boundary and we'll see if they can deal yeah and there will be people who can i definitely have like the greatest friends ever now and i'm like what the fuck did i do that all that shit for i feel like that's what your 20s are for just like ridding yourself of people who no longer like are with you oh cool i've got five more years just like like marie condoing everybody like you don't bring me joy you don't bring me joy i know yes yes yes no yes no totally no but during the process telling yourself like i'm worth it

talk about the reasons that people like you and the reasons that you're worthy will help you like stay the course you got this shall we go on to the next one hi megan i'm 20 years old um a couple months ago me and my boyfriend broke up and i was really sad about it because i thought he was like the love of my life um so a couple days after the breakup I found out that actually no 24 hours after the breakup I found out he had a bumble and a tinder so that was devastating because the reason he broke we broke up is because he said he wanted to time for himself um he wanted to be single not talk about people but to find himself and he never he doesn't know how to be includes I always had a girlfriend so then I confronted him about it he said that he was on

love with him there to make friends which I know is false so I just want to know your advice on it and um I'm trying to like see people again and I just it's hard for me to trust people because he told me he loved me our six months was four years before we broke up and he said he was excited for the future and I just can't believe he would live on that click and I just need advice about that and advice for guys in the future and any positivity you have thanks love you bye i mean i don't have a lot of positivity i mean i feel like everybody's been in a situation where you're lied to because there's always garbage people but there are good people too and so even for me like i was cheated on and lied to by a boyfriend i had in high school that like

transferred over into college and was terrible yeah um but i i definitely like went through this phase where i was like fuck everybody guys are terrible you know um and then i came back to reality and was like okay and just figuring out what was important to me yeah and then being slow to warm that's really it my therapist calls it puffer fishing though really i write about it in the book a little bit where like if someone tries to get too close to me too fast i like stick my spines out like because i'm really soft and squishy and i don't want to get hurt so if someone's like slow to warm like even my husband sean was like really slow like i was like come on yeah you know yeah he like would wait to call and wait to do everything and it was just slow

we got to know each other dated a bunch um we even did it five years before we ever got married so it was like slow real slow yeah um but i think it was good for me because i might have run away otherwise yeah oh i mean i'm i'm a runner um melissa and i are both yeah we are bad at that we realize that it's terrible yeah but we both do it but also did you read i didn't send it to you but there no maybe i did no i didn't send it to you you didn't send it i don't know there was an article about ghosting and buzzfeed yeah i you tweeted you tweeted me the article but but it was the whole premise in there is some of the people who ghosted were like well do unto others as you want done unto you and listen i would prefer to be ghosted yeah oh i totally would versus

confrontation because we don't like confrontation exactly and it also makes you feel worse about yourself the confidence thing it's like i need the control but if you just leave then i'm like okay fine cool i still have control because i can be like oh yeah i just like was done with it but if you like tell me that you're done then i'm like oh i that was you you have to you have to like fully face that um but i just i'm sorry do you want to it's just so yeah it's like we i'd just rather be ghosted um i think like i think like the whole like men are trash narrative like i'm definitely guilty of um totally and i'm over it too because it's really not true people are trash that's what i was gonna say i was like people gender specific people are trash in general

like do like straight white men tend to be trashier totally but like at the same time i think um like as i've gotten older i've also realized that like i am so quick to villainize people who wronged me and i'm not quick to villainize myself and i really like not that i put myself on a pedestal but like when i get hurt and i think a lot of people when they get hurt um it's it's super easy and the automatic thing which i think is also healthy is to kind of be like oh fuck this dude i hate this i'm done with this but like what i've learned is like a lot of um i'm not a big believer in like manifesting or energy no i hate that yeah i'm fucking hate it so much i know you can do it people talk about it yeah like no i did read something funny where someone was talking

about like manifesting money they're like a job you're gonna make money way faster if you like have a job than if you just try and work harder like get one um but like i'm also know that like when i get into kind of shitty relationships like that's also on me like i'm not totally like innocent in that and like as i've gotten older i can recognize like guys that i've dated before that were really toxic and unhealthy and like the fact that like there were traits now that there's not even a way i could spin it that i like like that would make it positive that i was like no no I was seeking that like I was seeking that kind of like like uh struggle love kind of thing and I think like when when we try when we like sometimes you can feel really blindsided by

something and like you're saying like you're blindsided because he said he told you he loved you and all of those kinds of things I think also there like when you end up dating a guy who ends up to be really shitty I think the best from me the last like terrible relationship I was in I took a year off of dating because i was like i'm fucked up like i like i don't know why it was like the same thing with friends like i kept having like i was accepting something that was slightly less terrible than the one before and i was like my pickers off like right that's what's happening right now like i'm letting these shitty people into my lives and like normally if it was any other person i'd be able to see it but like i for some reason i'm clouded and i can't see that so

like i don't feel good making those decisions based on myself right now and from there i'm exactly the same way like puffer fishing like I'm the I like tried to ghost my current boyfriend like he was like no and I was like I'm out of town he's like no you're not like I know you're like we I literally have like your uh calendar still on my phone because we had worked together and he's like no you're you're in town I like see this like you're with your friends it's on Instagram and I was like oh weird our life is online I was like shit um but like I think like from taking like a good like healthy break I was able to um I don't know I was able to like go into it kind of more self-aware of like what i do and uh i i kind of knew like oh shit like

usually it's like four months into a relationship that i'll like roll over and be like i fucking hate you and i never want to see you again like what just happened but when i was going from like thing to thing to thing to thing i don't know i found myself like comparing contrasting so i think as much as you are seeing him be on dating apps and if it makes you feel like that's what you should be doing i think like there's i'm a huge i'm a huge fan of like winning the breakup but i don't think being on dating apps the day after you break up with somebody is winning no that's that's really sad yeah i think give yourself some time because i do think i did the same thing so after a couple of shitty relationships i was like something's wrong like i'm the problem yeah because

i'm picking these people and i'm spending time with them and like what am i doing and so i went to therapy again for like the umpteenth time and figured out like where it was coming from and what was happening and why i wasn't valuing myself or my time and then then went back out to try to date yeah but it was like a eight month time that i took a break so like give yourself time because your pickers off i like that and that's okay we all go through those periods i think also it's kind of just like figuring out who we want or who we are and that's all part of the process yeah and i think like not being quick to trust i don't think that's necessarily a bad thing and i think feeling like um yeah feeling like this guy really like fucked with you and like in that way

um i think like to find like the blessing in disguise and all of that it's like well like you got this you got this one over with like there's gonna be other heartbreaks in your life but this one like you've learned this lesson you've now you're not going to like jump into something and you're going to be more wary of somebody when they say something and they might mean something else so I think like as much as like that can be like oh being jaded or whatever which I'm definitely so guilty of I also then I think it's I think now I I don't know like I don't like not I'm saying you blindly trust anyone but like now it's harder for me to trust people and so then the people that I do like my friends and stuff in my life like I fully trust them and like

love them because like I'm holding them to a higher standard because you you have something in the past to compare it to and they proved it to you over time exactly things relationships take time and work and you have to have them come back again and again and prove the same way that you do to them yeah that you're worthy of it and yeah it just just takes time yeah and i mean if you haven't gone to therapy huge fan of therapy same i think it's like a really great thing especially if you're uh like actively trying to work through like what your mindset is when it comes to dating and all of that like it doesn't you don't have to go in and talk about like your past or all these things you don't have to necessarily have like a huge like struggle in your background but

it can purely just base be based off of like these are the human interactions i've had and like over the course of time i've ended up in a situation which i don't know why i'm doing it and you can start to pick that out and like realize why like i'm a very dramatic person and the leo and so i've always gravitated towards guys who like who who not like i don't like grand gestures yeah but people who definitely feed into it and like i like when i was in high school especially like for me like the like i like loved guys who are jealous like i loved that like i love to make a guy jealous and have him be mad so much drama oh my god and like with like having a fight at a party and all that stuff and to me like those like big like acts of like that to me was like oh

my god that's what being in love is like like that's what i want someone to like fight for me and like all that and like as i got older i was like that's so stupid i think it's also teenage though yeah because like teenage you love 20 me's too but we've also been watching a lot of like rom-coms that tell us that that is what love is like and love should be like calm and quiet and sustaining exactly yeah it's like you know it doesn't need to be like you know i don't know written in the sky yeah a guy drives to vegas for your second date when he surprises you with your friends which i was like so romantic and after i was like fucking creepy why did you know where we were too much too much so like too and i have the too much gene so that i'm attracted to

people who have the too much gene uh yeah and then when i started dating my boyfriend he's like so like calm and like way more subdued and like he can be like fucking stupid and like annoying and the worst too but like he's not like immediately right off the bat i couldn't tell if he even liked me which was like not a thing for me like i like guys were like obsessed with me and like that whole thing yeah and he was just very much like yeah it's like chill and kind of quiet and i was like what the fuck you're like i need more yeah and then i was like more gestures me this is in my head that i think that this i like really like thrived off of that drama so therapy is really a great way to kind of break it down and then also figure out um what and like what's been

great for me is like figuring out like what i'm looking for something in somebody else like what does that mean that i'm trying to find through somebody without doing the work myself yeah it's like want versus need kind of um because i think that it's really important that we want people in our lives who don't need them like and i know that sounds really depressing to some people that like i should have all i need but you should have all you need and if you don't then therapy is a great way or it was for me to even figure out what that need is and how i can fill it myself with things that i do for myself because we have to care for ourselves and then you look for someone else you just want them around because they're awesome and they're nice and you love them yeah exactly

but you'll be good you'll be fine don't worry about it don't let him tinder his way into oblivion it doesn't really matter yeah it really is not important anymore no not at all also random thoughts something that um that i do and i don't know if this is healthy or not healthy even as a therapist i'm not perfect obviously but something that's helped me move past like shitty people or things is i like to think we like shed skins of ourselves almost like a snake like over periods of time it's so much so that like if they saw me on the street they wouldn't recognize me and that's always given me a little bit of power to like get over it because i don't need to win the breakup by like dating someone else really quickly i'm not that person anymore

you know i'm i'm doing better i'm working on myself right and it sounds silly but like that little shift in the way that i think about things can help me move past so that i'm like they don't know me anymore yeah that version of myself doesn't exist and i'm doing something better for myself i'm doing something different and so i love that i do too oh my god shed that skin i must have shed so many fucking go but like snakes do it like three times a year so crazy mouse so like you can do it too yeah oh i love that i love that so much yeah and hang out with your friends and like yeah throw yourself into other stuff that was like i started a lot of hobbies that's when i also uh when i went through a terrible breakup when i uh started writing a

movie and i was like cool let me do this do all these other things yeah so don't worry about it you'll be good on to the next i was just calling because i obviously need some advice so what's going on right now is um for the past like i want to say maybe six to seven months a friend of mine has um not been making the best choices she has decided to um talk to a whole bunch of guys just because like she wants attention and stuff like that which i mean is fine she's a 22 year old young girl like it's that's cool the only problem is she's married um yeah so uh like I understand why she's doing it I'm not saying that it's okay I told her that I don't think it's okay but I understand why she's doing it and stuff and I didn't think that it would

anything would come of it until one day she told me that um she actually did cheat on her husband but that he was okay with it and then like I was like whoa I didn't think it would come to this like blah blah so I just you know told her that I didn't really agree with all the stuff that she was doing and that I didn't want any part of that sort of situation and then things kind of got worse and she was just like you know claiming that she had all of these like mental problems but I don't think that she doesn't but I think she might be blowing it a little bit out of proportion and also all of this is like all of her own fault and so we had a huge falling out with that and um me and her and then also another one of our really good friends um we all worked together

um and so she decided to talk to people that we worked with about everything and it just got really messy and we're kind of okay now not really like she's talking to me because I wanted us to be like still at work but I think she assumed that it would go back to normal and it's not and I just want some advice because she's still doing all that stuff even though like you know everything led to another so I just you know want some advice on what to do and how to go about this one thing i've learned from this podcast people get married young places yeah i was like 22 i was like hit me from i was like blindsided by that information no i grew up in a really small town so like my friends had kids by the time they're 22 it's crazy well most of my

friends are singles it's mine too or they're just married and they're like i don't know what i'm doing exactly awesome yeah oh but i think like not to downplay her worry because it is a friend or whatever but it sounds like in in this i know it's a very dramatic version of this but we all take different paths in life in friendships and those don't always go together and we've grow apart and i think this is a time where you grow apart from this friend because her marriage is her business and her dating life is her business and the sooner we can all recognize that and not really get involved because you said i don't agree with this and that's all you really have to say i don't agree with this i don't want to be a part of it like don't involve me like i had a friend once

um we're not friends anymore obviously um be like okay we want to go out go out like out to dinner and then go out to dance and that'll done i was like 20 maybe 23 24 i think i just started dating sean my husband and she was dating someone else we knew that wasn't who she brought oh god and then afterwards i was like i don't want to be invited to stuff like this yeah so if i show up and it's not who i think it is i'm not gonna we're gonna leave and we just slowly grew apart after that well because you feel like an accomplice in something that you're not okay with and totally it's also yeah i mean i if any of my friends um this was a situation like i've had friends who've like over the years who've like cheated on partners and all that stuff and like

i've made my stance like really clear of being like okay well if you want to be with this person then you need to make that right but like if this is going to be something that you're doing like i as a friend think that you're better than that and if you're not i don't i know this doesn't have to do with me but like i don't want to be friends with someone who can make those choices totally it's like they're showing their true colors yeah so i don't think like as much as it like it totally is your friend's business and but yeah it's just like i don't think you need to be friends with someone who can like display uh like i don't know like character acts that you don't like because like yeah i i also don't i don't trust those people's like opinions and advice and like

i lean on my friends for advice and like totally all that yeah so if they're if that's there um i think like i also wonder when she said like her that she had told the other like the woman her old ex-friend had told the other co-works about it like we in what did she did she tell them everything yeah and were you there when she told them or she just telling you she told them and be like well they think it's fine yeah and also like is she like kind of like is it people that is it co-workers or people that like maybe she works above that she feels like she has kind of leverage over that also did she demonize her husband because a lot of people be like oh he's just a jerk and I'm like well then divorce him first like I don't know like I think maybe it's

just me but it's also just like a huge part of who I feel I am is that no one forces you to stay anywhere yeah and so if you're not happy and you have tried to communicate that or you've tried to work on it because i believe in the sanctity of marriage you don't have to get married totally so if you are fucking be in it and if you're not then get out and i know that like that's way more simple than it is like because it's logistically like i'm sure it's terrible but do that yeah i think it's better to go through like a fuck ton of logistics and paperwork than to kind of like compromise like basic morals yeah and then you're like i don't know i always worry like you think about the other person yeah in any situation if someone's being cheated in any way it's like

that's not that is not good and that makes that person look terrible and so i don't really think this person is someone you want in your life yeah and i think being civil with them at work and wanting that and kind of like trying to bridge that gap i think that's like a very like mature thing for you to do but i i don't from what you're saying i don't see her matching that like i don't i think you're trying to come at this in like a very mature way of being able to not have drama at work but she's you're right when you're saying that you feel like she's just kind of thinking everything would be fine because like she doesn't sound like she's very mature no so i think like then you just need to like instead of trying to get her to match you and

both of you take the high road and kind of put it aside you just need to fucking take the high road like smile like don't don't anytime you have to communicate with her do it but don't i don't know don't try and like push it under the rug because i think she's going to assume yeah assume your relationship's gonna go back exactly how it was when you know these things about her that you're not going to be able to be close with her again yeah and i think it's fair to like make it i guess nice enough at work where you just friendly enough like if it involves work you talk to her if it doesn't then you don't and she tries to be like hey we're all going out and be like no i'm not interested you know you don't have to lie you don't have to be like oh i'm busy you can just

be like i'm not interested yeah thanks no and i think also the other people if you feel like you're like the only one on that side um you know them like i think she's selectively telling other people specific different like just parts of the story or demonizing him or anything like that so just know that even if it's you kind of taking a stand and you might look uh not like the bitch but you might you kind of might look like the person who's the tougher one yeah then know that once people start to see the her side of it more you're probably going to find other people who are on your side and if you guys have to communicate at work maybe there's a way um where you don't do it solo like maybe there's like a third like someone else that you work with that you like someone else

a cc on email like so you can really make it there's somebody else to hold you guys accountable to for being a perfect to making keeping it professional yeah or like bringing things up when you're in groups at work like oh this is like i'm gonna come into her office when i know there's like other people in there yeah something so you can kind of keep that buffering um and also just know that you i don't know i'm i have a huge uh like savior complex when people are making bad decisions like i have a really hard time like i really because i also like i i also then like a leo make it about myself and i'm like a i want if i was in the situation i would really want somebody to like prevent me from doing it but also i remember like i wouldn't make those decisions

and so i always try and like try and protect people from themselves in that way but know that like as much as you if there's like a part of you still that like wants her to i don't know like make it right and do all of those things about it like you need to it's not about you and you have to separate yourself from the situation because like the second i separated myself from like my friends toxic relationships and like was like i'm just gonna stop giving you advice and stop trying to hold your hand through this and do all of this stuff it was like everything i had said and all of these like time and effort that i put in and like energy that i put into like someone else's happiness i was like oh as soon as i'm not there you're not you're going back and

doing all of this shit like i'm throwing this at a fucking brick wall who's not receiving any of it yeah well you're you're not in it so it's like it's energy wasted essentially because you can't make anybody be happy do do the right thing you can't make anybody's relationship better yeah you can only do you exactly you only have control over yourself not even the other person in your relationship that's where the trust comes in but like you can tell this person i don't agree with what you're doing and then period yeah that's it so i don't have to be around because i don't want to be a part of this and you can like voice your own boundaries that's it if they're still going to be a garbage human they're just going to be a garbage human like let them go do it but they

don't have to be part of your life yeah i was not time for a break now i don't know if i said is it time for a break or if i just like kind of mumbled my way through but it's time for a break guys um and uh we'll be right back okay so guys we are back for my break and we're taking more calls i am 23 years old and i recently found out that one of my i'm gonna say co-workers because that's how i met her but um all my co-workers like we're really really close we work in retail like a little boutique down in georgia and we're super super close um recently she went on vacation and one of my other co-workers or two of my other co-workers um were dog sitting for her and one of them went up in her room trying

to find a charger um and found her journal and I've already talked to this co-worker but she knows that she invaded her privacy and she read it um it was out in the open um but basically she the girl that went on vacation we'll call her suzy um she had an emergency back in november and was gone for a week and she told us that she had no variances like it was very crazy and sudden and it was just this horrible thing that happened to her and we were all very supportive um but my other co-worker that found her journal um and read it basically we think she we came to the conclusion um it's more of an assumption we don't know if it's right but we think that she tried to harm herself and she was placed into a mental hospital for a couple

of days and that's why she missed work and so basically we found out that she's severely depressed has severe anxiety and tried to self-harm um we don't know how to help her we um a lot of us are very open at work with our anxiety and our depression and we do think that like we have a team like a good supportive team that can help her but we don't know how to address it We don't know if we should just keep our mouth shut and, you know, just be good friends for her and be around her and hopefully just, you know, give her some help or should we talk to her and address it? I'm running out of time. I really wish I could just like call you and talk to you about this because I think you'll be able to help. um and i wish i could give you more detail because there's so much like there's a guy involved that

she met at the hospital um and now they're dating and she lied to us and told them that told us that she met him on tinder so it's a big fucking mess so um please just let me know what you think and if you can help oh my god i'm so glad you're here i'm so glad you're here because she's saying she's like i feel like you really help i'm like oh thank god that it's not i don't know how much i really could fuck well i mean first of all don't read someone's diary i don't care if it's out i don't care if it's open to a page i don't i don't care yeah essentially they can't do anything because they shouldn't have this information right but they can be kind and they if they're open about their anxiety like she said they can talk about it and maybe say i'm thinking of

starting therapy or have you been in therapy i mean they can ask questions like a normal person would but i mean her suicide attempt or whatever um being placed in on 5150 hold means you're locked in the hospital for three days which would make sense potentially but they're assuming a lot and based on information they shouldn't even have so i just feel like it's such a such an invasion yeah and she trusted you to just care for her animals right yeah like oh that poor person's also having a shit time so they better not say anything about reading the diary because like yeah that's kind of that's exactly where i'm at because i feel like i think like i think there's there's something that compels you to read there obviously was something up with her that made you

feel like you wanted to read her diary through the time that she said she was like having an ovarian cyst like to me i'm like if i saw someone's diary lying around the only time that it would even cross my mind like i want to read this is if i was really worried about someone yeah and so to me that sounds like subconsciously like or this girl's just like so fucking nosy and not a great friend no no offense like that's just a really messed up thing to do so i do wonder if it was yeah if there was like a motive there because like you felt like she was a little more secretive and didn't say anything to you guys about her personal life but i also think like as somebody who's like depressed and struggles with like mental health like the the greatest thing is like having friends

and people and like a great support system who you don't that doesn't mean you necessarily have to talk about it like having support doesn't mean they have to know all the information it just means they're there for you and you can rely on them for things that might not have anything to like blatantly do with mental health like that's like i can like rely on my friends to go with me to target like usually i want to go to target because like i'm having a shit day and i feel super depressed but like we're not talking about that's i just know that i can count on them to like also sometimes it's great to have friends who who don't want to like when you don't want to talk about stuff who can just like be there for you and like love you unconditionally i think is

great um and i think like like but we said but also like she said like you guys are making a lot of assumptions and i you she might be in therapy she might have professionals who she talks to about this and it might not be something that she wants to talk about with her co-workers and there might be somebody like a friend who she talks to about this who knows this kind of stuff and i think like because you guys feel comfortable to be really open about your issues that's awesome but it doesn't mean that you don't have to be really open with your issues to also still be dealing with them no everybody's different and also it's at work like it's it's technically none of their business yeah and i i don't mean to be like rude about it because they care

obviously but a they shouldn't have this information b she didn't give it to you freely in general so you can't talk to her about it you can't say anything you can just be a supportive friend and honestly like i know people worry that you know they're going to make things worse by talking about it and usually i'm like oh no you won't like if even as a therapist like i ask my patients all the time like are you suicidal when's the last time you had a thought do you have a plan like that's part of what i have to do but in this case by saying something you would be making it worse because you're not supposed to know anything so truthfully move on yeah like let them do their thing she's obviously if she was 51 50 that means she's seen someone yeah that's

unless she took herself to the hospital which people can but that's so much more rare than a therapist being like well you should probably go in i'm worried about your safety so i believe that she is seeing someone so you're just gonna have to move on yeah and i think like there's a way to be like you should always be like a supportive and like understanding and caring friend and there doesn't have to be suspicion now like you don't have to like there doesn't have to be a motive underneath all of this to try and get her to open up to you guys and i think like you're able to see like she's coming into work she's not taking these this time off and all those things like she's there are some things that like you when you you can throw yourself

into stuff and be doing it really great and the last thing you want to do is talk about like when you're not necessarily doing awesome yeah um so i think you guys need to like don't bring it up to her don't change how you act around her don't try and like overshare your stories to try and get it out of her because then she'll fake like she's yeah and if she wanted to open up she would yeah and like she's dating a guy you think she met in the hospital so what yeah i mean truthfully on the like therapist side that's not supposed to happen and i'm sure her therapist is saying things like do you think this is healthy and if you're both having a really hard time like you know do you think that's the best time to start a relationship like i'm sure all that stuff

is coming up but that's not your job yeah it's it's not at all and i think if you care about somebody like this this should be just be the same kind of friends you've been and also don't fucking talk about it with each other anymore no i was gonna say that stop gossiping about it yeah because they're doing a lot of speculating too because they don't know exactly what happened and if anything you're just gonna then even if you don't bring it up to her but you guys keep talking about it she's gonna catch on to the fact that everybody else has some a secret that they're keeping from her that's about that's her secret if you're like whispering and then she walks up and you get quiet like trust me you can only make it worse for her yeah you know so just stop talking

about it stop you know and if your other person at work is like bringing it up be like let's not talk about that anymore let's just be a good friend to her and move on yeah that would be my advice because a i think she's seen someone so she's got it covered b you have information you shouldn't have and it's her life yeah so and don't fucking read people's diaries guys and then don't speculate and like uh i text other people about it that other person should have never told you that they read that diary they should never have read the diary then like oh yeah the story sounds suspicious too because she was like she was looking for a charger and went upstairs and then just right but also why would you why would you charge her at someone else's

right it seems like she was looking for something that's what i wonder if she yeah if she wanted to tell you she would have told you exactly yeah and you can be worried but all you can do is ask that person okay don't read diaries moral of the story i know on to the next one hey megan um i'm 16 and I was just calling for some advice obviously otherwise I wouldn't be calling um I am the mom of my friendship group but um I'm also just like very I I'm that girl you know but I'm also the girl that gets caught up in everything and I'm just a constant mess I cry in all of my maths classes and I I'm not even bad at math I just cry um anyway uh I I've struggled with anxiety and depression and I think I always will I think that kind of comes with the territory it's something

you you battle for a long time and it might get better but comes in waves that sort of thing anyway um I have a lot of friends that have been through a lot and I'd like to think that I've been through a lot myself but um I'm kind of the mum of my friendship group and I've had friends um pass away because of suicide and I have had friends who've struggled through eating disorders and lost lost them because I've had to tell their parents because their life was at risk and I have had I I've had friends who have been sexually assaulted and obviously these things are not they don't I mean they impact me but they're like they're the people that are suffering from these going through a lot harder time than I am and I'm not saying that like for me like this stuff is

happening to people around me um but I've struggled with I don't know I just I think I take on other people's problems and I think that has impacted the way I see myself because I I'm constantly putting other people before myself and I just have this strange mindset that I have to be selfless to the point where I don't even care about myself it's just as long as everyone else is having a good life um anyway and recently I was more actively seeking I think happiness for myself instead of just ways to give it to other people and I've used I you name it I've I've looked into it I mean I've I've done therapy I've done uh I've looked at so many self-help books i've um exercise yoga everything uh art painting writing um you name it but i think i'm starting

to notice that there's a certain level where i am holding myself back from attaining anything more than just being content because i feel comfortable with sadness and i just want to know if you have any advice to break myself out of myself because i mean i'm trying really hard but i just feel like i feel comfortable with my tears and i i need to kind of find a way to stop that because it is really holding me back i'm sure as a therapist you hate when people like reference zodiacs my therapist constantly needs to tell me i need to stop being like well it's because i'm a leo but like this to me screams so like pisces cancer it doesn't doesn't really bother me i think any way we can kind of like explain something sometimes gives us power because

then we have a name for it we're like oh it's just this and whatever you want to call that but i like that she mentioned like being depressed and anxious that'll be something that she'll always struggle with because i think a lot of people think that oh i'll see someone and then everything will be better and yes that's true you can feel better and you can have tools but it'd be like saying oh i had a cold once and then i took this medicine so i'll never get a cold again yeah it's not mono or the chickenpox no and like we'll all potentially have bouts of depression and anxiety yeah that's just life and like i think the sooner we recognize that and that would it's actually kind of empowering because then it's like oh okay well i have these tools that i've learned

because i've been to therapy or i've been working on myself and then because she says she tried things so i'm curious like she's stuck with them because when people say i've tried a lot of things I'm like for how long like did you go to therapy for two months or did you go to therapy for like six months yeah you know and it's not that there has to be like a certain amount of time but I'm like we each need time to figure out what works for us and what makes us feel better because she's definitely she has no boundaries and she's like super empath yeah and I think she's absorbing so self-aware which is something that I have like struggled with as like which sounds like usually oh being self-aware is like a great thing like a blessing and a curse yeah and so like the first

therapist or for yeah first therapist I ever went to in LA had told me like I like just like sat down and like told my like kind of life story and everything and he was like what he told me I was alarmingly well adjusted and that like then immediately was like oh and he was a psychiatrist too and so he was like then was like also it was a he so I'm like I don't like that as much um but then told me I was like alarmingly well adjusted and then tried to diagnose me with being manic because he didn't believe that like the way I talked about things that they had actually happened and that like thought i was making things up but like then then for me like that very like set me aside from therapy because i was like well no i like i know did you speak really quickly

were you just like yeah i was kind of like this and i was also like that's why you're manic and i'm also like and and i told him he's like what do you mean i was like well i have adhd if that like like helps you with any of this kind of definitely yeah people are misdiagnosed a lot yeah and like i i speak really fast and also like even me i'm like okay i could fucking therapize myself like i'm an only child like there comes like a level of like detachment when you talk about things like when you were the only one going through that totally you like talk to yourself about it and like reason exactly okay okay sure and then like not a crier and so i was just like okay i mean now i'm a crier the last 2018 was a year of megan being like okay i guess

i cry now it's like um amanda cameron diaz's character on the holiday i was like i relate that's me all of a sudden yeah i can't stop um but then it took me like when i started going to the therapist that i go to now that was one of the one of the first things that should be even before i could say it that she said about me that she was like i think like you like we're gonna do therapy like a little like we're gonna really focus on tools with you in therapy because you you know like why you feel a certain way you understand you can rationalize the fact that like that's not real and like that it is in your head and you also know what what made you feel this way and what you can tie this back to and all of that and she's like so like that's like

you've done so much of the hard work in your own head so now we're going to focus on the tools that you can do to like healthy ways of like coping with this kind of stuff and like those sort of feelings and things like that which was like to me I was like oh okay like this isn't like I'm not like not a candidate but then I'd also say I exactly like you were saying about like how long do you try it out I the first time I went to therapy I stopped as soon as I felt better and then I then felt shitty again I was like oh god and then it happened it's like on again off again thing and my friends and i who most of my friends all go to therapy we've talked about we're like oh no like the worst therapy slash worst slash best therapy sessions when you go and be

like everything's great like everything's fine you're coming like exactly so i think there's something like to be said about um like if you're comfortable feeling like this kind of like you're comfortable in the sort of like sadness and stuff i think is i think can be really like i think there's a lot of i wouldn't even i don't want to say it's like trendy because i don't think it's necessarily trendy but like i think there are some people who are kind of just more have you seen inside out like more comfortable in like just like eeyore like well it's also like i think we get comfortable because it's what we know like i talk to my eating disorder patients about this all the time i'm like you know what your eating disorder is going to ask of you you know what it

wants you know that voice it's very comfortable if i do this behavior i know exactly how i'm going to feel you know what's uncomfortable happiness excitement it's unknown and unknown is always scary yeah and doing something that's different is always scary so it's like in the same way we learned this unhealthy comfortable feeling we're gonna have to learn a new healthy feeling that's gonna be uncomfortable yeah and so just like sitting in it and being like this is new i'm not sure doesn't mean that you can only feel sad that just it's just like like not to get too therapist-y slash science-y on you, but like our brains, the way that they can change is called neuroplasticity. That's how brains change and grow. And that's how we learn new things and

forget old things. It's all kind of part of Inside Out, how those things fall off the cliff. I love Inside Out. It's very good. It was a great way to show how the brain works. And so when we're putting together a new marble, let's say we're learning something new, it's a new memory, it's a new thing. It has to fight, like when they roll it down those things to file it away, imagine that it has to create a new one because that thing you're learning doesn't have a pathway yet but the old way is right there and it can like veer off and go so fast right so it's like that same reason that like um when we're trying to learn to communicate in a new way we have to go slow because we're like building a new pathway our brain's like i don't do it this way i get angry

and throw a tantrum i want to get angry throw a tantrum and it keeps trying to like branch us off and we're like no we're trying to roll our marble and make a new path and it just takes a little bit longer but before you know it if we keep working on that path that path will be the fast path that our brain's like no but i want to talk about it i need to tell them how i feel versus i want to be angry and throw a tantrum does that make sense yeah no that makes that makes so much sense it also is kind of like at like i'm also guilty of like the devil you know is better than the one you don't and so i think like there's while it might be feeling like oh i'm comfortable in this way i think you're right it's not necessary it's just you know the outcome of this and like i like

i it's to say i like ghosting people like i'd rather have control of the narrative how that feels yeah then give somebody else and then do something that i don't necessarily know how it's going to end up and like you can get comfortable in like and also like when you struggle with depression and things like that like you can get comfortable in knowing uh like the kinds of sadness that you have and then like if you put yourself out there in a different way you're like oh well i don't know what that result's gonna be and that might scare me because i know how to handle like this aspect of it totally but i think um like being the the mom to the group to like address that part i think um i think there's like i have a fucking podcast where i give people

advice like i understand you are the mom of your group yeah like i i like being that for people um but i think there there needs you need to have you need that too like you can't if you can't be that for everybody if you're not getting it in return so like totally have to mother yourself yeah and my friends and i always like joke that we like we take turns talking each other off of ledges but like there's so much give and take there there are sometimes like when the other like i'm needing that and then they need that more but there is that give and take and i don't necessarily think that every friend that you have has to be capable of that but you need a friend who who can help you do that help you back because otherwise i think the issue is you're probably

going you're going to just swallow everything because you don't want to burden these other people but then i think you also know that yes it's made you jaded but it i don't think that you hearing these things of your friends i don't think it's completely like made you swear off everything like yeah no and i think i think the remothering is really important like to your first point about we we can do things for other people which is great and that's a great gift that this person has but you also need it and we can't pour from a pitcher that's not full so we're trying to give everybody advice and we don't give anything back to ourselves yeah we can't keep doing that and i think that's kind of what's led probably like my hypothesis would be that's what's making

your depression and anxiety worse um is because you're burnt out you're like caretaker burnout kind of because you're caring for everybody you're not caring for yourself and I think the sooner we can start thinking about our mental health the same way we think about our physical health like no one would say if you were super sore and tired or kind of were coming down with a cold to be like you can go run that marathon or you can go to that spin class they'd be like no you need to rest and we need to think about our mental health that way so if you're giving advice and supporting people and being at their beck and call probably no one would be mad if you're like hey maybe i should take a break maybe i should take care of myself maybe i should turn my phone

off for a day and like mindlessly watch netflix like whatever it is that your brain needs you need to give it to it because i don't think this person's doing that and it's only going to make the depression and anxiety worse yeah and i think you need to eliminate the guilt aspect because like and i've i've definitely done that before and i think that's like what stops a lot of people from like getting professional help is like oh well all these people have it worse and like i'm just like i have gotten very much into like shutting that down and like when i talk about mental health of people being like when people will like dm me and be like it could be a lot worse and i'll post it on instagram and i'm like i'm not doing this to shame this person at all

but like i just want you to know that these are the kinds of toxic messages that like prevents prevented me from going to therapy for a long time we don't question it we just take it as fact we're like oh it could be worse exactly that doesn't mean it has to like would you if you kind of had a cold i always take it back to like physical health because it's the same thing if you kind of had a cold wouldn't you be like oh i don't need to go to the doctor it could be pneumonia and just wait it out till it is fucking pneumonia no you go to the doctor and your mental health shouldn't be any different the sooner you go in the better like honestly if i wait too long and i go in to see my therapist and i like cry the whole session because i'm a crier she'll be like

you probably should have called me like a few months ago yeah i'm like it's like cleaning in their apartment don't like oh shit this is gonna take me three times as long it only gets worse yeah do we have one more is it time for don't blame them uh so this is where people call in other callers other listeners call in with their own advice on previous segments that we've had in their experience which is great because then they have more personal experience and sometimes they tell me that i'm wrong that's totally fair yeah everybody has their own take it's true and so this is from um the episode with nikki limo um the caller was very yeah she's sweet their caller was very um depressed the original call was depressed because she was at school and

didn't really have any friends and she was very homesick so this person is calling with their own advice for that okay hi so i'm just giving a call back well i'm not really calling back i'm just calling in about advice um so i'm listening to the first episode of season three um and it was to the first caller talking about being really depressed um in her first year of college and kind of feeling lonely um and all those things and I just wanted to give in since I just graduated college here in April um my first year was probably the shittiest year of my college career um I was super depressed I had a lot of anxiety I started going to counseling and that helped a lot but I also didn't make any friends my freshman year of college

and I was super lonely um but I feel like a lot of that is just trying to go through that transition of being um away from my family and away from home and everything and then also trying to basically start over and I feel like that's what a lot of that first year anxiety and things are like I honestly don't think many people in their freshman year of college honestly have that grade of a time um unless maybe they're in sororities and stuff but even then I don't I don't really know because I can't speak on that I wasn't ever a part of those um so I just want to say maybe give it a year another year um and if it's depression that you know something that's holding back is you know go see a counselor go talk to somebody um because if I were to have

left the college I went to I wouldn't have ever made the friends that I did make in my later years especially once I got into my program and with the people in my cohort and now I have like the three best friends that like i could ever ask for and like we're still friends even though like i moved to a whole different state and everything um so while yes the first year sucks just keep putting yourself out there keep doing stuff that you enjoy and eventually you will meet people and they will probably be the people that you end up staying friends with throughout your entire life that's great because i my advice is always i'm a runner i run away from feelings like leave school try somewhere new that's what I did I dropped out of college I'm like I run away from all of

my problems um uh I just like throw a snarky response and I'm like fuck you I'm out um you never knew me anyway it's just like a mic drop and leave everywhere I go um so this is great yeah because I don't I don't think this is what I think Nikki and I both Nikki dropped out of college too didn't she I think both of us um did that but I also yeah I don't want to harbor on what her and i probably said in that but i think um i think it's great i think there's a a really great way yeah talking to a counselor would be a really great way to understand if what you're feeling is um and yeah i think what the the word anxiety in general has become so much like do do you feel anxious in this situation or do you have like clinical anxiety for something that

you're spiraling in something that's not uh not that not necessarily a way everybody else's mind would naturally go and i think yeah i think times of change in general can be really uh hard to figure out if like if this is like am i feeling how everybody else is feeling or if it's not so i think talking with a counselor at school would be a really for anyone who's dealing with this would be a really good way to understand it if you can't uh figure that out on your own yeah and i think like times of transition are always hard so the first of anything is going to be uncomfortable like I didn't know anybody when I went away to college um but I did I did join a sorority of all things and um and it was really helpful but it got me involved and then I got to meet other

people um and so just giving yourself the time to transition and to figure out who you are and what you want and know that wherever you go there you are so even if you leave the same you're not gonna go anywhere where it makes it better it's just gonna be you again being like fuck here I am like ah yeah it's like every time you just like run into a wall over and over and so it's best like the person said that's why that was really great advice for her to be like no i stuck it out and it actually turned out okay yeah because it does if we stick things out that's always when we grow the most and we're like oh wow yeah i really that was shitty but like wow it was good yeah yeah no i mean exactly what you said though about like you can take yourself out of the

situation and like when i left college that's like the first time i was diagnosed like situational and clinical depression they're like well situational like that's this is why you had to leave college and you were like I can't stay here I have to leave but like then I was like why don't I feel totally better and that's like when I get people when people call in and talk about like oh I want like I'm gonna drop out of college just like you did I'm like it wasn't this like wonderful empowering moment it was like a self-preservation thing but yeah no I think there's a lot to be said about knowing like knowing your limits and then also really knowing what your real limits are because like I yeah I'm quick to run away from stuff and there's some things that like

I'm glad I've done, but then there's other things where I'm like, damn, I wish I like, I kind of had stuck certain things out, not college, but like there are certain things that I definitely wish, um, I had because I think, uh, it would have, it put me out of my comfort zone in a way that I didn't, I don't like being uncomfortable. Um, but then I think there's ways that you can really like grow from that. And if you're, yeah, if you're feeling like lost with it, I think it's a good thing to have someone to talk to about it. And like, yeah. And a therapist can challenge you to be like oh is this like a real thing that's going on that is you need to leave or is this you running away from your problems and like a school counselor they'll

I'm sure they've taught like that's probably a huge majority of people that they see are freshmen so that's such a good like gauge of oh is this how everybody else is feeling because like we said like the validation of uh how you feel in certain situations that can be the most productive I find of being like if I know that like I'm not crazy sometimes I'm like okay cool then I can deal with but i just needed i was spending all this mind like space and like energy like trying to see if i was right or anything like that then someone else can make i know you're cool you're like oh okay you feel that way too i can go on move on because there's a ton of people that are freshmen in college that are like what am i doing i don't even know what i want to be they're asked tell me

to declare a major i don't know you know and that's normal and no one's supposed to know what the fuck they want to do at 18 just like give yourself some space but also stay in school because you know i feel like everybody needs a ba these days for anything yeah other than like what we're doing well yeah but that's fair like no you know you want to do and it's not required but like stay in school kids yeah stay in school gives you more opportunity on your side now i know she always makes fun of me because i don't make fun of you no i make okay to be fair i make fun of you i also make fun of you for going to college yeah and then i make fun of myself for not going to college and then i try i've created this narrative that i need people to gang up on

graduate school so like more than even most people stay in school because it'll you get paid more even if you any job you start you get paid more out the gate that's true and then you have more opportunity because like how many times people go and they're like oh it's required that you have this degree or this stuff so um that's it for our episode thank you so much k for being yeah thanks for having me we have to be back we need to like save all of the questions that i'm like i can't answer this we need your help yeah i'd love to uh well where can people check you out on the internet and get your book too oh yeah my book is available on amazon barnes and noble anywhere books are sold it's called are you okay and it's by me katie morton and you can find me

online katie morton anything just morton like the steakhouse easy peasy across all socials i love it uh if you guys want to uh call in for a future episode again the number is 310-694-0976 still did not do melissa's number great um and for international listeners you can send us an audio message at meganpodcast at gmail.com if you are looking for other ways to uh ingest digest this episode uh and you listen to it we have the video up on youtube now and if you are watching on youtube and you're like oh i want to get notifications to my phone the second that it goes up because the youtube video goes up um when megan wakes up versus like an automatic thing so uh you'll be the very first you can listen in the apple podcast app uh we are also on stitcher

premium ad free and soundcloud but if you go to don't blame me.show you can do all of that and follow us on instagram at don't blame meme pod and uh we'll see you guys next week goodbye don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator Amanda Lechner production assistance by Julie Carley and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso part of the Herpod Network