Don't Blame Me! - S3E15: M&M - Craigslist Sex Addiction?

Episode Date: March 11, 2019

Here’s your March fix of M&M. We share our advice on questioning your sexuality, being inappropriate at work, falling for a man that’s unavailable, and helping a friend that’s being abused. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her advice on weed allergies. *On average, it takes a victim seven times to leave before staying away for good. More information here. Follow Us! @meghanrienks @dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by FabFitFun, Betterhelp, We Are Okay, and The Real Real. Click Here for Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo) Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of don't blame me don't blame me pod um today yeah i love that um today we have two different aesthetics what are you a melissa or megan if you're watching you're gonna know because i'm currently under a blanket with a giant sweater and t and um melissa's here not only in like a blazer a skirt a statement necklace she also has on heels um and she looks like i hope you all are melissa though i'll say that about myself you're you're winning this not that it was a competition but your sweater is really cute like super cute yeah it's nice um yeah i just had a meeting earlier and you know casual clothes business casual yeah business casual i don't know how to dress business casual like so no jeans

not those okay i don't know how to wear things that aren't jeans um well guys this is another melissa and megan exclusive it's march baby it's march bitches march madness basketball it's happening right now who are you rooting for always university of arkansas pig suey if they're in it or not pig suey woo pig suey that's how you call the hogs Oh, are you guys the Hogs? Pink, silly. Razorbacks. Is that a... It's a hog. It looks like Pumbaa. Oh my god.

Fuck yeah. That's a fun one. I love that. I don't know who I'd... I'll root for them for you. Okay, cool. You're welcome. I know that my mental thought process of like, I'm rooting for them is really going to help them win. So guys, this is Advice Podcast and

we are going to be playing your voicemails and giving you some advice. I doubt any of it pertains to March Madness. wow look at us a sports podcast now sports sports sports sports um uh the phone number to call us is 310-694-0976 and international listeners can email us an audio file to meganpodcast at gmail dot com so we're gonna give you some advice um and we're not gonna fuck up your life hopefully i can't make any guarantees no fucking promises here no we might fuck it up we might but guess what don't don't blame us hi megan i am 20 years old and i've been dating a guy for six years

um i think i've called in before i don't know if you guys ever answered my question i don't think you did i've been listening to all podcasts but i basically did a really bad job explaining my situation and now my situation has intensified so i figured i'd call back and try to give a better explanation of my situation give you an update and ask for new advice because it just keeps getting messier so basically like i said i've been dating the same guy for six years since freshman year of high school and i'm now a senior in college and about to graduate and basically for the past i don't know like three or four years i've kind of been debating my sexuality i'm pretty positive i like girls and girls boys i haven't really officially put a label on it i kind of

just say i like people that are nice and are cute to me i don't know i just i'm attracted to who i'm attracted to and that's kind of that whatever so basically a lot probably about a year or two ago now on a drunken night me and my friends were all playing a drinking game and somehow that ended up with me kissing one of my girlfriends and um like a few times and ever since then my boyfriend's been kind of weird about like whenever we hang out and especially since i started talking about the fact that i think i like girls well and he's kind of just like a little bit suspicious of it and like we'll kind of joke around like oh you like or whatever um sorry anyways make jokes about it and whatever well then basically everything has been fine I date my

boyfriend still I debated my sexuality and I don't really know what to do about all that stuff And then, recently on New Year's Eve, I had a very messy night. I got very intoxicated, and probably more than I should have. And my boyfriend had went to sleep earlier than me because he didn't want to go to bed that night. And I don't remember most of the night, and I talked to my friend about what happened, and she kind of explained. But yesterday, one of my friends mentioned that me and my friend were kissing.

And I have no memory that my friend ever mentioned it to me. And I kind of just am in a situation now where I don't know what to do. I know I should probably ask her what exactly happened. And then if she says that did happen, then I should automatically tell my boyfriend. But I'm just, like, very unsure of the situation, and I feel a mess. I also just don't know what to do with my feelings about anything, about my sexuality. If dating my boyfriend, I just feel like my life's a mess, so please give me some tough love advice. I like I definitely need it thank you so much oh my god I'm not gonna give you tough love you

don't need tough love at all you need gentle love because this is like yeah your life I wouldn't call your life a mess but like you're definitely like you're going through like a period of like change and like it's fucking rattling like I think I mean I think the first thing I'll say is um that's a like it's a really long time to be dating someone and also like we've said before like those are really like crucial right years of like figuring out who you are and you're doing that with somebody else and no matter how supportive somebody else can be i think there's also like when you're go when you start changing and you don't necessarily like recognize like that like the things that you're as into even like interests or friends or hobbies or like gender sexuality all

of those things like it's like it's hard in general for you to come to terms with things for most people and it's even if no matter how supportive your partner is like it's you're going to feel you're everyone assumes everyone else is kind of judging you yeah even if he is being really supportive um so i would say i think like uh i think you just kind of i don't know i don't want to say like break up with your boyfriend and like figure out your own stuff but at the same time i think that's the reason why you're so stressed out and this feels so messy is because like the stakes are really high in the sense that like you aren't able to like obviously like drunk you is like making choices that sober you is like oh gosh no that's not really what I like

intended or planned on doing and that being said like I don't think I mean yeah I don't think that you obviously said you don't remember and all that stuff and I think that's valid but I think um you owe it to yourself and to your boyfriend to like you you need to figure out you and like that isn't I don't think that's a bad thing at all and like I don't want you to feel like you fucked up in any sort of way because you I don't think you did and also this is the queen of being like you don't make out with other people if you're in a relationship and all that stuff but like I'm being contradictory here so like suck my dick who cares I just think you need like you need to be like gentle with yourself in figuring this out and if you're trying to not hurt somebody

else and like think about somebody else's feelings when you're trying to figure out your own i think that's just like it's you're gonna have a fucking brain aneurysm yeah yeah i feel like i know you said you don't want to tell them to break up but yeah maybe not break up go on a break yeah um just and say because both of you guys were so young when you got together and neither of you have had the experience or time to see like who you are as an adult without this person yeah um so maybe just go on a break and and i feel like we've given this advice before along it was on an episode a long time ago but go on a break and it wasn't like trying to figure out your sexuality but um it's basically the same just but just go on the break and see if um see if you actually

because you kind of think you like girls yeah maybe see if it's not if it's not just kissing that you like to do and if it is just kissing then cool yeah and if you guys find yourselves back with each other then cool too but i think you're gonna regret it if you never explore more because i think that's just what builds resentment is that like you might not even yeah you might might be that that you might you might not even like the girls that you've been interested in so far to that kind of level that surpasses just kissing and making out but if you don't figure that out you're gonna end up resenting your partner because that's the reason why you're not figuring it out and it has nothing and that doesn't mean that he's a bad person or anything

like that but like when you are in a relationship you're held to certain expectations and like as much as like i think it's i think it's first of all i think it's awesome how like communicative you are like that's great i am like a huge fan of communication my therapist is always like Megan likes to over communicate everything but I think that's great and I think like it I can imagine how hard it would be to you know like come not I hate saying come to terms because that sounds like it's a bad thing but like have that realization and like say it to yourself and then say it to your partner and then have him feel weird about you being around one of your friends when that situation for you was probably like you the first time you ever kissed one of your

friends is probably like a wow holy shit yeah that kind of thing like that's a really emotional and like a change and very different and confusing time for you and for him to make a judgment on that I don't think that means he's a bad person but I if I were in your position like that would make me then feel like oh this it just adds to the confusion right and I don't think that's fair for you because like it's already confusing and then having someone else's opinion and input into it i think just adds to all of that messiness um and yeah exactly like you said like you guys might end up like coming back together but i think if you do take a break you've been really great at communicating like before like he knows about yeah the kissing and tell him that just be like

i just feel like i never want to hurt you and it makes me like i'm really like and like you said like i didn't know i was so drunk i didn't know this happened and i don't i i clearly need to figure out and explore this kind of side of me in a way that isn't going to hurt you and like i really care about you and i don't want to hurt you so like i want to take a break and figure all of this out stuff out for myself and like we'll regroup and come back to where you are and just yeah establish what you guys are comfortable with during a break are you going to be okay are you okay with him seeing other people and doing all of that um and i think that's kind of when you yeah you guys just need that space because like you said you don't know what it's you don't know

yourself as an adult without him and that's already like it's already a very hard time in general to like know yourself as an adult like i still don't even fully know myself and i'm like 25 um so i yeah i think you need to be and i know myself and i don't know myself and i'm 33 yeah it's yeah it's like a it's a definitely like a trying sort of time and um also i think it'll be yeah i think you if you if you care about him too because you don't want to hurt him and this i think right now you you're in a situation where i also just don't think you should like put i don't like like oh well now i can't drink because what if i do something like this again you know what i mean like it seems like you use the alcohol as an excuse to do something you wanted

to do anyway yeah and i think like even if you don't drink it's gonna come out in a different way like it's this is something that's like really trying to come out and you did kiss a girl before which he completely knew about yeah maybe doesn't think of it as cheating because he was there when it was happening and but he still feels some type of way about it because he comments on it yeah and also it doesn't even have to mean that you have feelings for your friend at all it can just be like this is this is you realizing that you find girls attractive and you are attracted to them so it also doesn't mean like that in a break you have to like pursue something else with your friend i think it's just more about like a time for you to like decompress and like untangle

everything in your mind and how you feel without like anyone else putting anyone else's feelings into the mix because i think right now it just needs to be about your feelings right and it seems like you're it's the same girl both times yeah yeah so it's just curious what her sexual orientation is too I wonder yeah I wonder hi Megan I am 25 years old I just finished a master's degree and have my first like real career starting job at a company that's really great and it's a great position to get me started in the field that I want to be in um I have a great team and a really great boss however i i'm having problems and have been talked to the manager talked to by the manager several times about um like inappropriate workplace language and

i feel like it's being brought out of me by my team because i feel like my team is um in some ways very immature like within our team everybody except maybe one or two people are totally fine with making jokes that are like um kind of just like friends hanging out jokes and not necessarily workplace jokes um but there's a couple people on our team that are not comfortable with that and then also we have like a cubicle space where multiple teams share like the same area and other teams complain that we are loud and that we are making talking about things that are inappropriate for example and this one like really made me mad that another team apparently a couple of us including myself were talking about periods and that made them

uncomfortable and they complained to their boss and or hr and so i got talked to and i don't know who else got talked to about that um so the feminist inside of me is really like mad about that because it's like okay periods are not taboo to be talking about um i guess workplace who knows anyways um yeah i don't know what to do because i feel like it's being brought out of me by these people and i i guess the answer is is that i need to get better self-control but like I've been brought up multiple times and I just I'm having a hard time like refraining from participating in these conversations and I guess I would just like your advice on what to do okay can I I will say before we get into this I think like you really should have picked a different

example than the period one because like you knew you know our feminist like like soft spots right and i think like just in just in general as somebody who like i will talk about like my literally on the show worn a shirt that said administrating there's literally but but that as an like using that as an example like is just as before you just said that right before that you had said like oh we got in trouble for just being too loud those things are can be correlated of like it doesn't even necessarily matter what you're talking about if you're talking if you're talking loud and disrupting people while you work that's not a feminist like oh no i should be able to scream off the top of my desk like i'm bleeding like that's no i mean like i'm like i'm still

spotting like a couple days after my period but like i'm not screaming that next to somebody who's trying to do like an excel spreadsheet it's not about what you're doing and what you're speaking about in that instance so i wish i wish you would have used a different example because that but even if you're being loud and talking exactly you said this you said i'm talking to my work friends my work my co-workers as if they're my friends but you're at work you're when you're at work you're there to do your job and make money yeah you don't have to be there to make friends no and like i uh as you if you're watching the video you might have seen um me you know feel bad about myself because you're 25 you just finished your master's and all of this and i okay so like as

somebody who works on sets and whatever and things like that i've been on sets before where we've had to have like sit down conversations about um like what is appropriate not appropriate to talk about at work whereas my friends and i feel super comfortable like talking about things like that like anything crazy like oh my god who'd you sleep with like oh my god blah blah all of these things like you want to hear about the crazy thing that happened to me last night and we're comfortable talking about that but we've literally had people who've like we've had like uh producers higher-ups come up to us and be like we love that you guys get along so well and we love like you guys can talk about whatever you want but it's not even the content necessarily that you're talking about

but a it's you can't be disruptive of other people at like just in general you if you're gonna have any sort of conversation you need to keep it quieter because like this is a place of work and we're happy you're having fun and you should have fun at work but it's still you still need to let you can't prevent other people from having their job for you to have a good time yeah and then also you need to be aware of the fact that like you guys have consented to have this conversation and you're both comfortable with it but if somebody else is around and is uncomfortable that's you don't get to bring them in into this like if you want to have this conversation go to a place where it's just you two who talk about this you can't bring other people around

when you're not at work exactly and that's like the thing that like i mean there were definitely times where i'm like oh now that i think about it yes there are definitely like a couple of people like who are sitting with us who i think are going to be fine with it but i also realize that like i have seniority here so they're not going to say something to me that they feel uncomfortable they're going to tell somebody else and also they have every right to feel uncomfortable because that's not what they signed up for when they did an interview for this job right and it's it's i don't want to be an asshole but i'm going to be like the whole idea of like putting on like oh two people aren't okay with it that's like a bully move like that's a total

bully move of being like we're all fine with it why aren't they fine with it that's saying a group of guys talking shit on women well the women aren't okay with it and it's like well that's you don't get to make like the standard of what everybody else should feel comfortable with at all especially when it's in talks of comfortability right like right and you shouldn't you shouldn't be doing this like and you can't blame other people for bringing you into the conversation either like because you have your master's girl you went to school you like you know come on you know what's right from wrong because you wouldn't be calling in if you didn't think that you also said that you have a hard time like restraining yourself and you know you

need to have better self-control like you answered the question for yourself yeah i think like if anything i would also take this as like uh like a learning moment of your instinct reaction when you kind of get like told off by a superior should be like regret and embarrassment and the idea the fact that this has happened multiple times and you're kind of like that this to me this sounds like an authoritative like this is not an authority this is you having an issue with authority in this that like you need to realize early like sooner rather than later that this isn't like oh wow fuck our boss is being so uptight yeah like you should feel a little bit of secondhand embarrassment of like oh shit this cubicle next to us like we're getting in the way

of their work day and I think like you can have so like you can have fun at work and like I've been told off for talking too loud of something like that and like I immediately I'm like I feel so bad I want to cry like immediately but like there's a you can still have fun without making other people uncomfortable and also as a self-appointed feminist like you should know that it's like yeah that that's like even if you're talking about like women's issues and things like that it's not necessarily about those things and hey if there are times when someone like you're talking at lunch in a quiet conversation with somebody and you're talking about someone that's comfortable having this conversation exactly and you're talking about

women's rights and someone comes up to you and it's like i don't want to hear you talking about that then you can make a stand there like that's something that like for sure but like when it's on someone else's like pay like this is the the clock in they're working and doing all of this you're interrupting and disrupting their workplace and even if it makes your day more fun it also doesn't contribute to your productiveness at work at all it's not like oh no i need to be able to talk loudly and do all of this like go do your work yeah like and like it's just yeah i just don't think it's a smart mentality to maintain in the workplace because like it's not this office like it's any office like that's not gonna slide right and i'm sure that your employers too

are probably trying to protect themselves as well because this can be an hr issue that you get written up and you could easily get fired for this too yeah yeah and then if you have to get a like get another job and you have to reference list your like latest employers and it's like oh yeah she had an issue with like making people uncomfortable at work yeah and i think also you need to reframe your mindset of being like i'm like the level of noise and like what we're not necessarily like specifically what we're talking about but like the everything that we're talking about in like loud levels like we need to fix that 100 and then from there also have a conversation with your co-workers you've said that there's one or two people you already know the people

who aren't comfortable you should have already stopped talking about anything that makes them uncomfortable in front of them you know yeah and if you want to have fun with your co-workers do it when you're not yeah get drinks after work yeah i think there's nothing like that's i think that's a great thing to do and also like if you work in a space where you guys have to be collaborative and all that like totally do that but also don't in the process of it like you can still like you can still like have like whisper funny things with your like the people that are comfortable with that but like without bringing other people into it yeah because i mean i would feel if i felt uncomfortable like that's terrible like if just pick put yourself in those other

people's shoes like that would feel super sucky and it makes work a not fun place yeah at the expense of you having fun and like you won't have any less fun you know yeah i've made plenty of friends with the people i work with all the time and when we are on set it's serious time and then when you go out on the weekends that's when you have fun so yeah so she's never gonna listen to the podcast girl you're in the wrong that's yeah the bottom line that's what we tell you yeah i knew it's funny it's everyone who's not in the wrong is like hey just give me the tough love and then everybody who's in the wrong is like what do i do yeah and then here we are being like oh no now you get the tough love you get it when you don't expect it we'll tell you when you're wrong

but she already knew she said you know you're wrong you know you're wrong that's why you called the podcast I'm 23 um my best friend is now 23 oh geez so she just got married late September and two months before she got married she found out the guy she's engaged to has been cheating on her um through Craigslist he like nothing in person but like he's been sending pictures to girls and getting pictures back and apparently he's been doing this since seventh grade which is before they were dating they've only dated for three years so she caught him um like she was on his computer and like she was snooping a little bit and but like sadness and so caught him two months before the wedding and she told me what happened and I had a talk with her I'm like

are you sure you can trust him like stuff like that and he said he needed to change you know he said he has a problem like needs to get help and I guess his dad has had these issues as well he's a sex addict um but he only went to therapy once and then called it good and my friend didn't know like if he was um still doing it or not so anyway um they got married it is now two months later and she has caught him again so he's been doing this up until the wedding after the wedding like he has been doing this just caught him again and um she's asking me like what to do about it and it's just a hard situation because they just got married so I'm kind of telling her like go to counseling and then if he does this again like that needs to be the last time you can't put up

with this like you don't deserve this um and then also the other part of this is they live in Seattle and I'm moving out there next Saturday to live with them while I transition into apartment so I'm gonna be in the middle of it and it's just kind of like a lot and I don't really know what to tell her to do I think at this point maybe counseling would be best I don't know love you help me bye i do not envy her at all girl i am so sorry i mean it's definitely worse for your friend you know that but like this let's also address like this fucking sucks for you too and by this point when this comes out you're already there so so make sure you use headphones um i mean the first thing i would say is i think the first mistake that was made here post all of

this was him going to therapy as opposed to them going to like couples counseling i think that really should have been the first move well i don't know because i think you should go to individual therapy though yes you should go to individual therapy should have but like sex addiction addiction um i was looking up stuff on my phone during the call i wasn't like texting people yeah she was she was swiping so um sex addiction um is widely debated as not being an actual thing yeah but there's an underlying cause um that it's like um it's usually stress anxiety depression or shame that drive people to have risky sexual behavior so it's not like sex is what they're using to cope yeah for the other thing yeah um yeah i had a psychiatrist

who told me he thought i was manic once and he was like so i feel like you just like and you got have you contracted a lot of stds you like recklessly sleep around i was like no i hate so many people like it takes a long time before i'm like okay i want it like there's a few people that i want to sleep with like i dropped out of college because i ran out like come on um but yeah no so I think I mean the first thing I would say is um let's take the whole marriage aspect out of it um and like your friend asking you like what should I do I think in that moment I think yeah you need to ignore the fact that they're married and you need to say well you've got two options right now and I think you get divorced and make make I want you to like make that a viable option

now too because i think the thing is is sometimes when people are in like shitty relationships you're asking her other friends for permission to do something that you want to do but there is a pressure of marriage there and she probably feels like a fucking idiot and like she shouldn't feel like an idiot because like yeah she loves him and also there's a lot of um emotional manipulation that goes into like a toxic relationship which if he's been like covering and lying about all of that stuff like that is toxic since he was in seventh grade yeah which is insane yeah but i would say i think you need there's some other problem totally some other and like the idea that he's like oh and my dad too like there's a lot of blatant like things that

he's putting on there and like you don't even he doesn't even know if he followed up and went to therapy and the fact that like she was snooping to begin with at the very beginning you only snoop if you want to find something as somebody who snooped and found things i've never snooped and not found something and there's also plenty of people i've dated who i haven't snooped because like i'm not looking for anything so i would say i think you need to give her permission to not work on the relationship if she wants to and like say that as a viable option when she's saying like what do i do like you know like you like you can get divorced like there's nothing wrong with that like there's no shame in that and say that and give that as like a full answer as opposed being

like well you guys are married now so you should really work on it because it's not i don't think that's true at all but then also at the same time tell her like if you want to work on this like you guys should definitely go to couples counseling like i'm here to talk to you through all of this i'm going to support whatever decision is going to make you happy but there's no way that you guys can continue on in the way that you're going like you either need to go to couples counseling and he should go to individual therapy but they should definitely go to couples counseling or they need to get divorced and i think like like offering those up as like two equally as okay options will make her be able to make the choice that she really wants but i think there

is a lot of like society pressure of like oh well now that they're married like there's some sort of expectation to uphold and um she doesn't have to because like this is the kind of bullshit that like that she dealt with and it just like it was bad timing of the wedding you know like and also if he just went to therapy one time it doesn't do anything get into his problem he was just telling about himself he didn't even get to what why he was really there you can't therapize that my friend was recently saying she's like yeah i went to therapy for the first time in six months she's like and i was like why is it so short and i was like well that's why you have to go every week because you can't catch them up on your life like he cut he caught the therapist up on like

okay here's the last 20 like something years of my life and then i'm good yeah and like i've said before on the podcast like i've gone to therapy and then like stopped when things like got good and that was like a thing i totally regret because it's the times when it's you think everything's fine that like you actually start to figure out like why you do certain things and like what certain things affect you and like yeah how you process things differently and it's a maintenance and an upkeep not like a solution because any sort of like mental health whether it's like depression that he's dealing with or anxiety or anything like that those aren't things that go away and the same reason thing with like why people go to therapy like for their whole lives

a lot of the time is because like it's about learning how to cope and deal and like live with these things that you're always going to live with and like we all have like triggers and hot spots and things that like will like set you off that happen throughout the course of your life so you yeah you can't get like fixed from something like that because there's nothing to fix it's just a yeah it's a longer it's a longer process and if your brain just dealing with things differently or like not releasing certain chemicals and all that but um yeah i think you just i honestly think her friend saying like what should i do is like asking for permission like can i divorce them and the answer is yes yeah because like you don't if you don't want if you already

know what you're gonna do you don't ask people you know like you don't you're not like well what should i do what do you think i should do like in that situation the only times i've ever asked someone like well what do you think i should do is when i've like wanted permission to do something like is that okay if i feel this way and i want to do this um so i think you just need to cover all your bases with her and also um when it comes to like being around him you're already there so i don't know what you're already doing but i think you can be like just the whole thing is is like in what i feel like in regards to other people's relationships when you're directly kind of have to be around there and you're you're obviously like in friends with one side of it

your whole goal just needs to be i'm not going to make my friend's life more difficult i'm not going to make this harder for them i'm not going to do anything like that so don't yeah i wouldn't start shit when you're living there i wouldn't like because she already is feeling all this pressure and that like uncomfortability and all of those things she doesn't need you to then like cuss out her boy like her her husband you know like don't add to the pressure just be like a friend who will listen because like that's the friends that like when i've gone through shit like that's the best kind of people who are like i'm not gonna like make this harder for you yeah just gonna listen and all that stuff but i think yeah i think that they need to figure yeah he has

to figure out if he wants to work on that too because that's the part that like makes me sad like shit can happen in relationships but like the party that is also like guilty should be the one like pioneering like the solutions and being like we're going to therapy i'm really working on this and if he went one time to me that just sounds like a guy who doesn't have intention of changing yeah he just went so that he can say that he went yeah and i think even even if she wants to do therapy too i think like saying like and you can go to therapy and it can also not work after therapy like deciding to go to therapy doesn't mean like oh we're in this for the long haul we're gonna have kids this is gonna be like us are forever now she can go and they can go and

she can realize and be like you know what i don't think this is working i don't think this is changing and i think it's also a really good way for her because therapist will be honest like it'll be a good way for her to see if he does care and doesn't want to change but this is rough and also like weirdly unique of like craigslist right like i did see it's been around since 1995 so oh wow two years after i was born oh wow yeah wait 1995 i was born in 93 um that mad ass math adds up so it's only two numbers that's why i could do it but like i just yeah there's something weird here because this isn't like we've had calls before where like girls have seen like their significant other or their friends like husbands or whatever on tinder and things like

that like this is such uh i don't know like a weird way to go about that craigslist isn't i'm guessing when he first started getting into this the personal thing craigslist was the only thing he could go to and now that's what he's familiar with because he was in seventh grade he wouldn't have i mean tinder wasn't around then he wouldn't have been able to get on dating websites yeah so this is what was most accessible to him but he figured it out through his dad that's i mean there yeah so that's the whole thing that i'm kind of yeah there's something there's something there with him and his dad that they need and maybe he needs to go to therapy with his dad i don't know yeah but something needs to be figured out yeah and it's not because it

happened when he was so young i was gonna say this is something that's like so ingrained in like and like a whole thing in therapy is like habits and things that happen like when you start a certain habit when you're so young it just becomes a part of your like identity and not necessarily like not in like a positive way like it becomes something that you associate with yourself and something that you have already come to terms with and that you kind of just deal with and you don't like and honestly like at this point it probably has absolutely nothing to do with no exactly like that's and that's the part that sucks it's like now she's caught in the crossfire of something that like he isn't thinking about her and it's not like any like he's been doing this for so long

it's been a part of his life longer than it's than she's been a part of his life yeah so there's something way way deeper here and i think like yeah i think this is like a different kind of sense of like the typical like cheating marriage things um but she also didn't sign up for this and i think that's like a big thing too and as somebody who has mental health problems like if somebody like it would totally suck if i was dating someone and they were like you know i really can't like i don't want to be with someone who like struggles with that kind of stuff i'd be like well like i don't like think i think everyone struggles that kind of stuff but like i'm not here to tell anyone that they need to be okay with deal breakers right you know like that's the kind of

thing that like you don't have to and it wasn't a deal breaker before they got married because she knew about it then well that well the whole thing is is there just has to be i i think no matter what if you're lying to your significant other in a relationship like that's a toxic relationship yeah and i think you can recover from toxic relationships and i think people lie in thinking like oh i'm protecting someone and all of that stuff but once you start lying to someone like it's just a level of respect that like you don't have that it just yeah it becomes a whole cycle and so i think there's a reason why she looked to begin with and i think that there's definitely yeah i think this there's not yeah there's a reason why you looked or she looked

like this all comes from something and so if you add all of those things up like is it really worth it to work on it but you just have to yeah she just has to give her both options and just support her and talk to her best of luck let us know how you're doing yeah because you're there now i'm sorry it took us a while to get to it um we get a lot of calls we do we try to get to them as quickly as possible but yeah so let us know how it's going up in seattle the windy city that's chicago the rainy city yes but i mean do people call it that or just no they do say oh the rainy city yeah i like seattle great seafood it's coastal yeah good time on a road trip there okay is it time for a break yeah okay we'll take a quick break guys and we'll be right back

guys we're back from our break did you miss us you did hello please watch the videos melissa waves like princess of genovia princess of genovia thank you for being here today thank you for being here today oh did you see that they're working on i saw on twitter i'm here for it i am too but they're like we're not going to do it unless the script is perfect like they've had they've been like it's been in the talks for years that they're going to do it and neither one will do it until the script is perfect can nancy myers write it i like that idea who's gonna love and she's gonna be i mean shonda rhimes wrote the second one i fucking forgot about that she also wrote crossroads yeah i know and she said that she like knows that

they're bad but they paid for her house and she doesn't care um well no ever told you that i know the writer who wrote um hidden figures and i know her from writing some other stuff that we worked on together and she literally had some fans and she was just paying my fucking bills and she told me she had this great idea for this thing she's like i figured out like these women who worked for nasa and like nobody talked about them she's like i'm just like saving money and then i'm going to like take a hiatus for two years and interview all of these people and then i saw a trailer for hidden figures and i immediately was like oh my god if this is not her movie i'm gonna lose my shit like someone else did it and then i saw her name and i was like i like lost my mind that's

awesome yeah you know she's great all three of those women that it's based on were they your sorority oh amazing yeah i don't even know any good kappas megan markle was a kappa who spells her name with an h whose birthday is august 4th my birthday not over it i'm not over it okay well that's nothing new with the episode should we get into Mexico hey I am 30 years old and to preface my story I am going through a divorce so we got separated back in May and as I have moved out now and August so that is kind of a separate thing but I started seeing someone and it started kind of casually he came over and we had this big long weekend together I slept

over his place he switched over my place so we've been seeing each other for about three months now um things are kind of casual we're both seeing other people um however he doesn't really date other people like me he like has someone over for the night um but he really only as far as I know dates me and like takes me out um but he knows I really like him and he's kind of made it clear that he is not interested in a relationship at this time but he does like respond when I teach him about it and he is definitely open to still seeing me and he enjoys seeing me and we talk every day we talk on the phone i see him most weekends um but i guess i just don't know what to do i really really like him and again he knows i really like him um last time we hung out it was

great everything you know is awesome but he gets a little uncomfortable when i mentioned kind of getting more serious with him and he kind of says well he's not ready for that but then he kind of makes it sound like maybe he will be ready for it so it's a little confusing I know I should just kind of be clear and kind of understand he doesn't want a relationship yet he kind of wants to continue seeing me but also see other people at the same time he also likes to talk to guys online and not meet them he just likes to chat with them which is a little different and yeah i don't know i really like him and we um he surprised me with some christmas presents which was all on his own um and we're saying here's each other so we're doing these

things are couple-y but it's just confusing anyway i would love some advice on this weird confusing relationship i really like him and i just kind of don't know if i should continue seeing him because i'm definitely getting hurt because i really like him or if i should just try and be casual and see where it goes thank you my heart is hurting my heart hurts for this i don't have heart so true well my aquarius rising i'm still coming off my period so my aquarius rising is settled down by my menstruation so my feelings i've got feelings mine is mine is though i'll just get into it yeah you're separated from someone you're married with like you're not divorced yet like you oh you're kind

to freshly separate it um well it's been like sorry it's been like i need you louder in my ears it's been like half a year at this point yeah um is this the first person that you have tried to get in like a relationship with because maybe you're still like fresh off of your um separation that's headed towards a divorce maybe you're still you haven't got a divorce yet and you're just projecting feelings onto this guy yeah i would also say now that you say that that makes me think also this guy could also be protecting himself in the sense that like he's like this guy is saying that he really has feelings for me and he wants to be in a relationship but he's not even divorced yet like he might be protecting himself too and not wanting to get

hurt because this isn't official yet um I mean I think I think like so I yeah I've had friends who've got definitely gone through this sort of thing of like I'm definitely like a I don't know I don't get it if I don't get I don't catch feels fast but I have friends who do and like exactly you said like they get off right off of one breakup and they kind of like that's where they feel comfortable is in a relationship which I don't think there's anything wrong with I think the ultimate thing is communication and i do not but i fucking can't with and you didn't say this so i won't say but like the guys or anyone in general who's like goes into something being like you know what like i'm gonna get my heart broken but i'm just gonna do it yeah and i think you need

to like especially like coming off of like a separation and eventual divorce like you need to protect your heart in like that way of there are so many there are so many like great people that you can date and if he's if the guy that you're if you're seeing right now isn't ready for a relationship that doesn't mean that he won't eventually be but also if you continue to date him hoping for it it's just putting a lot of pressure on that relationship that you might not be able to enjoy it as much as you could if you're with somebody who is at the same place that you're at and also were you at this place before you met him because i think that's what's really important in general we've said that so many times in the podcast like it's not about like oh when you find

the right person you'll know you're ready it's like when you you'll know you're ready and then you're like okay i'm gonna go date right like i don't think you rarely figure that out when you're with somebody and so um i think yeah maybe like getting caught up in the feelings of it all and i think like there's nothing wrong with like being like a serial dater like being like serial monogamous wanting to like only like see one person or like be in a relationship and there's also nothing wrong with like wanting to like remain casual but i think at the same time i would also say he got into like the guy that you're seeing got into a relationship with you as like on paper of like this guy is separated this like this is going to kind of be in just

general typically more casual so if he signed up for that then maybe he won't be ready for this because he kind of went into this thinking like oh like this is going to be casual um but i think you just have to be really honest with yourself and then with him because if he's not ready for it and i think you're not ready yeah and like i totally know the fucking sense of like when someone's like oh no but like i don't know maybe kind of thing like you read into it and also when you have a crush like you don't really want to like say goodbye to something that you're enjoying because they don't necessarily want the same thing in like a couple years from now but like it's gonna get there eventually and the longer that you are there the more it's going to hurt when it

comes to the end so i think that you just need to be straight up and if he's like yeah if he's like no i'm just i really am not ready for that then i think you need to part ways and then maybe then you'll be like yeah i wasn't ready for that either do some self-love first yeah and also i apologize for coming into this too bluntly because i realized that no i did come into it real bluntly no i mean i think that's i mean that's always me i think it's okay you always sympathize first and then go into it do i yeah i usually start with we're gonna lose a caller we're gonna lose a listener but those are like the extreme this one isn't like one where that when when they just know that they're yeah what they're doing i also have a friend going through this but minus the marriage

aspect of like going off a relationship and it's yeah and it's like they're very much stressing about do i actually like this person that i'm seeing and also that person basically like started like they started a thing when they were like at the tail end of a relationship so it was like there's no strength there's no commitment and anything and now it's like well fuck do i have feelings or do i not and the advice i gave them was that of being like you need to figure out what you want and then just be really straightforward and if you can't figure out what you want then if you yeah if you can't figure out what you want immediately figure out what they want and if that's not what you want in this moment then cut it off and then you'll figure out what it is that

you really want but i don't think that you're gonna really get there by staying in the same place that you're in because that's just gonna create tension on like all sides yeah and um yeah and yeah i think that focus on like ending i know the separation divorce stuff can take fucking forever yeah but um yeah i mean take a pick take a hobby too and all that and spend time with your friends because i think that's another good thing too um but yeah best of luck you'll be fine it's all gonna work out on to the next i am 28 years old and um so this call is about my friend which i know you hate she's 22 we work together she sits right next to me um and for the past, like, month, she's been coming in every day just dead inside. So I thought,

like, I asked her about it, and every single time it's, oh, I've been fighting with my boyfriend, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, I give her, like, the friend advice, like, if you're not happy, fucking leave. And today, she came in, and her face puffy and she had a bruise that was starting to surface um and you know i told her to call the fucking cop because he like if he's hitting her which like i asked her first and she didn't want to say anything but then she did um but she refused to do anything about it and i know i can't make her do anything but like as a friend what what's like the nicest way to say you know you're dating an actual trash can like I uh I want to help her and I I want to help her and I don't

know how other than like calling the cops for her but i don't know like it's i'm not i'm not comparing before and after right like emotional abuse is still abuse so it was like one thing to see her come in like feeling like trash but to see her come in today with a fucking bruise on her pain and like on her neck too it's just I feel helpless and it's not even about me okay first I just want to preface it that we're not as you know for any of this we're not professionals um and we can't tell you what to do yeah but there are several like hotlines like there's one thing that's called the hotline and I'll put it in the notes um that can give you actual professional help to help with this um it does take women i i know that i heard this fact

before but i'm not even sure if this is right um that it takes women like eight times to leave before it's eight times for things to happen to them before they actually leave yeah it's like times trying to leave so um and i have been you in this situation yeah i had a friend that was being abused um the first couple times she was hit she didn't leave um but i let her know that i was there for her um that i would always be for her there for her if she needed anything i was there and then one night she just got fed up and um she called me and we went to the police station filed a report um and then even after that she still didn't leave it was the next time that it happened that she left yeah but there was that paper trail of with the police department too

of being able to get like a restraining order and stuff yeah um i had a friend who's in this had been in this situation as well i wasn't friends with her until much later and after hearing about the same thing that it's it's a long time before you like recognize that behavior because also it's it's not there's a very thin line between like emotional abuse and physical abuse it's really easy to cross over to that and uh emotional abuse is manipulation and it it's gaslighting it rewires the way you think so in any situation when you can look at it from a farm you like how could someone stay in this like this is someone it's like you think of serial killers who keep people like girls trapped in their basement like why are they staying r kelly

all of those things like this is a this is manipulation of the mind right i think uh first thing that you you can call the police you can call the police and do a welfare check on her i think it's incredibly important in general for you exactly like you said to offer your support but i don't know if like calling the police would be good because it might scare him no exactly so that's if it gets to a point know that you as a friend though you can call it doesn't have to come from her um but the first thing i would say is i would if and i think you you sound like a really great person um i would well first of all i would say i think this is great that you're her co-worker because you're someone who has who knows she has to come in and see at work every day so

this isn't a friend that she can avoid this isn't something like that you see her every single day you see the change you see that like if anything physical happens also if she doesn't show up for work you are gonna know i think the first thing you should do make a copy of the key of your apartment give it to her be like hey if you ever need any place to stay if you ever at any point middle of the night i don't care you can come here to my place like just know that give her that give her that opportunity because that's the thing like it's it's it's feeling trapped in something and not having a way out because that's what happens when someone's abusive is they cut everyone out of your life and the manipulative and everything like that so because you have to see her for work

right and you can give her that and just tell her like just like put it on something like have like tell her to hide it somewhere anything that it doesn't need to be like obviously not to tell him and then i think if you have a conversation with her and tell her that you feel you're afraid for her and i think the great thing is is she admitted to you that this was abuse she didn't want to admit it but she did and ask her if she would be comfortable of going to like a woman's like domestic violence women's shelter and just talking to someone yeah because the whole thing is is like you're saying you're not like we're saying and you're also feeling like this is none of our professional like fields at all and so you don't necessarily know how to go about it and i think

if you can have her meet with somebody like and you go with her as being like that friend of being like like and so my dad's office used to be over uh a woman's um i don't even what's like domestic violence like center or something great and all the windows are tinted that's all like mirrored windows you can't see into it you have to buzz in it's like a very very safe space and it was so secretive and private like my dad's office had a different entrance you couldn't even see all this stuff but like he was always saying he's like no it's an amazing place for these women to go and so much of the time they don't necessarily leave immediately but they've got resources of women who know what their rights are and know all of these things and people who've been through that

like experience and been in their shoes to really help them through that and i think that a lot of the time there's a lot of denial that comes in with that of being like no it's not and all that stuff but the second that she's able to talk to somebody who's been through it and can really like help like her in understanding because they've also been through it i think she'll understand a little bit more um and i think it's about preserving her safety so whatever you can do in that sense um if she wants and you can tell her like if you want to change what my name is in your phone to be something else like you can totally change that like have this be something where like if my name pops up like do you like let me know like i'm here if like you want me to

call you at 7 p.m every night just to like give you give you an out or even like if you put um if she put in in her phone like work yeah then she knows that oh this is my office calling i need to answer this or and even with her it's like hey if you're ever feeling worried and you want me to just like drive by and stay be outside the house text me this like text me something like create a place in which she can feel like she can use you as an ally and as a friend when she's also at home because i think that's the thing you're able to be there for her at work and also like it sucks because it is your professional job and this is something that like you probably feel helpless because you're also supposed to be doing work and then you also have this kind of there

with her um but i think yeah i think and also ask her if she's comfortable being like hey um just in just for anything that might happen like looking like we take pictures of this like these bruises on you like let's talk like that kind of thing and just being there to protect and you could take it with your phone yeah so then it's not in her phone in case he does go through it and i was i think even like the shady part of me was like i mean the next time just take a picture and don't tell her but like i don't know how you also don't want to push her away because like she's been honest and open with you about this the positive respect and positive yeah um but i think yeah i think giving her a key to your place and um yeah i ask her if she's told anybody else

too yeah i think that needs to be and it might be more comfortable for her to just tell you because you're her work friend and not her friend friend too so yeah um but i really think trying to bring her to um talk to somebody who works in these situations because i don't know if you've not to like make this about tv but if you've ever seen big little lies um spoiler alert if you haven't listened to it or what listen to hope you watched it with your eyes too oh amanda hasn't watched it okay great um but in it they talk about um making a game plan and uh i i know people have been in those situations and that's what you have to do is making a game plan for that and so it's not just like a i'm gonna leave kind of thing right and so you still have to live your life

you can you still have to live your life outside of this person yeah and like you have to think about your safety in the long run and like hypothetical like yeah it's it's it's a lot of emotional manipulation that's going to need therapy on her end yeah and i would also ask her and suggest like hey and you and also something i wish people knew in general you as a friend you can go to therapy with your friend you can do that you can be like hey like i think it'd be really great and like do you want like can we go like i would love to do that and you can go there and you can do that with her you can even really make it about you and you can tell the therapist there yeah and you guys can talk about it but she doesn't have to go through any of that those

aspects alone it's like anyone going through any like really massive mental health struggles and stuff like as a friend you can go to therapy with them um so i think anything like that because yeah she's she's in a relationship with somebody who's manipulated her and convinced her that this is love and this is normal and this is what she deserves and i think she needs obviously not only from you to hear that that's she's worth so much and this is not something that she should accept but she i think also from a mental from from a professional who can be like this is how we're going to help you get out of it because i think that's probably one of the scariest parts is like how do you how do you actually get out of the situation and yeah my friends who my friend who

was in that it was like a very long process because it was like she had no idea how to go about actually getting out and then staying out yeah and it's yeah so and i'm sorry and also i i'm sorry that this is this is also like a lot for you to handle too it's hard yeah and like it's never obviously not as hard if you're not specifically in the situation but as people when you see someone being hurt exactly like you said that difference it's it's hard it's hard to see that um and it's also really hard people don't listen i've had friends with that too where it's really but keep saying what you're saying because yeah they they're hearing it and she's still coming to you yeah and it'll eventually yeah get to where it needs to go yeah yeah and um

yeah if you've like i it sounds stupid or whatever but like i don't know if she's ever uh janna kramer she's a actress and a country singer she's like a really crazy super super intense sad story about her own domestic violence and abuse and um she's like a very huge advocate for it now because she was had gotten married really young all of these things so i think like the more that she can become aware of the fact that like that is what this is i think would be good too of like even like hey have you ever listened to like and i would like jenna kramer has a podcast i'm like hey have you ever listened to this podcast like maybe listening to like this kind of thing something that she can realize the scope of what it is because i think there's

probably a lot of manipulation on his end that that's not what this is but i'm really sorry and this really fucking sucks me too but best of luck you guys are gonna get through this oh okay do we have another caller is it time for don't blame them don't blame them don't blum don't blame them don't bless them don't bless them i like that don't uh okay guys um i guess i'll explain to you not you people to the new peeps sup new peeps holla at your girl um who says that holla holla that was such like a like late mid-2000s slang yeah um so this is when you guys listeners will call in and give your own advice on previous episodes if you got personal experience all of that stuff you want to tell me i'm wrong you want to tell me i'm like really

right all the time matt says that all the time he's constantly walking around as crazy he's always like you were right all the time never said never says that well people told me that all the time well you are right always all right so this one is from um the first episode of this season with nikki limo oh it's a good one um so the original caller um is allergic to weed and her boyfriend smoked a lot and so this is someone calling with similar experience hi megan so i'm calling about a recent podcast where the girl is allergic to weed um so I'm 23 I've been with my husband for about seven years now and I'm also allergic to weed so my husband he had seizures when he was younger and so he actually smoked to control his seizures and he hasn't had anything yet so thank

goodness but um basically um it was getting to the point where I couldn't be in the same room like we live together so obviously I want to spend as much time with him as I can and we re-evaluated it and realized that I'm only allergic to the leaf and so he actually had to switch to using just wax and since then I have had no issues at all and he knows this he's perfect he was perfectly fine with the switch too he even said he was saving more money because he wasn't smoking as much um but to the girl advice for her my thing with weed is even if it is illegal where you're at and i know it does affect her health um if i personally i think if it does not affect you or your relationship or his choice of choosing and deciding with stuff when it comes to you

in your future it shouldn't be something you worry about a lot of people use it as a relaxer or in my case, my husband does use it to control his seizures. And we've had no issues. We have had the talk where if this gets in the way, it will be near the weed. And he's very understanding of that. And if your partner is very understanding of it, I think you'll be okay. But at this point, I would honestly say maybe ask him to switch up his method of smoking. Ask him if he would prefer doing wax or if he would prefer a pen or something like that

and something that he would like with pens. Not that I'm promoting this, but you can easily smoke it outside on, like, a back deck or in a garage or something, and it's not going to put off as much as what actual weed would. So just something to think about. I really hope you figure everything out, and I'm so sorry that you're having that bad of a reaction to it. um but girl i totally get you and i promise you we'll get through it um best of luck and thank you i really like her me too i really like her a lot i really love what she had said about the like that she delivered tough love with like a way like a cute voice too and i should work on

that yeah me too i like just come at it like strong as fuck but no i i think that's that's like relating it to um yeah being like that his decision making it shouldn't really affect your relationship unless the decisions are something that like yeah as opposed to this and this is crazy that this is now the second person yeah there's actually a lot wow there were a lot but it does make sense to me now that she's saying that she's allergic to like the leaf like there definitely are components like i am allergic to lots of things but there are some things that i'm allergic to that like if i put it on my skin i will also get a reaction and there's other things that like i'm only allergic to if i eat it so that does make sense that you would be

allergic to like a part of it yeah and i think that's a good i wish you could go to like an allergist and be like what part of weed am i you probably can like in california i would think but it's illegal in the state that she's in yeah i know but i'm just saying like they do the scratch test could take a trip yeah roll on over go to somewhere where it's legal it's legal in a few places now so no but i think that's a really like smart mentality and yeah the medical marijuana is uh a thing yeah it's just in arkansas no way yeah wow kill arkansas yeah there's when i went home it just got legal last year when i went or it was either last year the year before when i went home for christmas there's like signs everywhere for medical marijuana wow yeah that's cool that's

very cool i'm really do you know whippy goldberg has like medical marijuana like period products no yes you can get tampons she never talks about that on the view i know i use cups so that won't help me i talked to one of my my friends damned me and she was like i think you should start using cups and i was like i'm real squeamish and she goes me too i just emptied into the toilet and then i closed my eyes and i was like okay maybe i could do that but yeah you can do like they like she's got this whole like line of like medical marijuana period products which i'm like i'm going to try them all um but yeah i think this was really really really great advice um me too yeah i really like her she's great i love how also like nice she was we should take we i'm

gonna be more like you you're so nice to the callers as i am being like shut up i don't tell you to shut up because then we wouldn't have a podcast right everyone keep talking please keep talking do it speaking of calling in that was the last episode last episode no well guys don't worry i'm so sorry we'll definitely be back next one we are back next i mean monday monday god damn it maybe wednesday i don't know where this will line up with our bonus episodes maybe on a we'll be back on a wednesday sometime and on a monday um so that was our last call guys so um hopefully you enjoyed this episode let us know sound off in the um and by sound off i mean say nice things on youtube and on social you can follow us on instagram at don't blah mean pod and our own

individual socials will be listed down below hers is megan rings it is megan rings and your what's what is your twitter and your instagram are different no i've changed them so they're both Is it the same? It's been like that for like a year. Oh. She is not Melissa. Oh, I'm thinking of Leo's because one of Leo's is who is Leo Howard and the other one is I am Leo Howard, which he didn't do on purpose.

And I was like, that's funny. It is. It's funnier that he didn't try. Yeah. And if you guys are listening to this on the podcast app or Stitcher or SoundCloud or any of those other places and you want to watch it, head over to YouTube because we've got the video feed there. You can see Melissa's real cute elephant.

and then if you're watching on youtube you can check us out on all the places i previously mentioned and then you can also just go to don't blame me dot show and you can figure out where to listen stitcher hell yeah spotify hell yeah soundcloud google play hell yeah that's all i got right now off the top of my head but it's really anywhere yeah really really just art 19 so if you guys want to be a part of an upcoming episode leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and if you're an international listener good day mate you can leave us and record

an audio file and send it to meganpodcasts at gmail.com awesome guys thanks for being here today thank you for being here today thank you for being here today okay we'll see you guys next time goodbye

don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley and music by ryan hunter and jacomo picasso part of the her pod network