Don't Blame Me! - S3E21: Guest: Meredith Foster - Taking Ownership of Your Sexuality

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Meredith Foster is here this week to share her advice. We’re answering your questions on entertaining a fuckboy even though you have a boyfriend, dealing with your parents with Empty Nest Syndrome, dating with cancer, and how to confront your roommate that’s hanging out with cokeheads. In Don’t Blame Them we have a listener sharing her advice about body image. References: “Sex and Cancer” Book 3 Ways to Unlearn Sexual Guilt Recipes for Self Love Instagram Follow Us! @meghanrienks @meredithfoster @dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Cocotopia, The Real Real, and Betterhelp. Click Here for Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo) Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

okay hello everybody why did i start saying okay okay they do that in my own videos okay okay hi guys welcome back to another episode of don't blame me today wow that was my tooth that was early too you got it in there quick i know i do it every episode but uh that was probably the quickest you're so close to that megan yeah i really don't have to you're just like making now that i'm like no i'm like a sensory kind of person like i just like to know that it's there you just like phallic objects near your mouth yeah she's thick she's raw uh so that was a not that was a terrible that was not an introduction let's not make your introduction sexual but uh guys meredith foster's here what's up i am so excited for you to be here

i'm honored to be here i'm so happy you didn't go to coachella because we're recording this over the first weekend of Coachella no Chella no and I couchella oh oh true and I was talking I like watch your Instagram stories every day I'm not gonna lie to you you're one of my top five that just like oh my god I keep updated you Acacia Kersey um myself the don't blame me like it's just like a very small group of people um and I was like looking and I was like I feel like she might not be going to Coachella like I was like I feel like I gave off the vibe of like i'm not into this i didn't see any like press of being like oh my god outfit oh my god spray tan like let me figure this shit out like oh my god everything's so crazy like just spent

five hours planning out but it's really stressful maybe she's not going and uh made me really happy that you're not there we're the cool people um well guys uh if you're new here welcome to the podcast this is don't blame me it's an advice podcast you guys call in and you leave us voicemails and then we give you some advice and so if you want to be on an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 wow did i almost forget that well we haven't recorded oh yeah that is true yeah i was gone you were gone we've been gone but we're back not that they they know i mean they don't know they don't they don't know um but if you wanted to know about your international calls it's a bad segue um international listeners you can give us a call by recording an audio

message so i guess it's not technically called just fucking record an audio message email us at meganpodcastgmail.com with the audio message good god that was rough it was so um yeah uh do you feel like you're good at giving advice you know i think i've gotten better at it over the years because i've learned so much i've been through some things so i've like come out on this better side better place i because i just want not just watched i watched it when i came out is this like creepy that i'm just being like i'm like no no tell me i've also known you for so long yeah no we were on dance on together for years it's kind of embarrassing yeah it was very long especially for me um but uh i watched your when you gave people like relationship advice

and that kind of stuff oh yeah she's gonna be in the green top yeah yeah yeah my grandma texted me she was like great video i was like oh i'm sorry you had to find out that way yeah she's like it's okay like that's just life and i'm like oh this is awkward i always like when i like say something in a video and then i'm like oh someone's gonna wow if someone brings it up like my boyfriend's aunt and uncle they were like oh we saw that video of you like trying on bikinis and i was like that's that's weird that's very weird yeah relatives see that and also i'm like that was a it's it's not their fault for watching it it's a video that's meant to be watched i uploaded yeah but it's not for them to watch it yeah but it's like geared towards yeah but you're

like oh i don't have control this is not going to be the just these people i googled myself the other day and all these videos come up now and i was like great pegging with melissa that's the first one let's talk about pegging it's the video let's talk about pegging oh my god wow well congratulations thank you i'm really happy for you i tried to ruin someone's seo like search engine uh optimization which is a you know great term and um uh kyle helped me do this i'm ratting him out because i want i'm gonna sound fucking crazy but i want him to be included in this that we just like made this person this is really fucked up i really hate this person um they deserve it we made them a bunch of like porn hub accounts like with their name and like a bunch of like like

ashley madison like all of this shit so then if you like look up their name their profiles start popping up on this and i was like this is genius it was his idea see and i you're the scorpio here and look at me being vengeful as fuck yeah i just let karma do its work you know wow oh it comes I like that. Goes around, comes back around. That's just like karma do its work. Just like sits on her throne with like fireflies. Like, I'm just going to let karma do its work.

That's so good. I like that. Yeah, exactly. Okay, guys. Should we get into it? Let's do it. Should we play some calls? Let's do it.

Okay, so I'm 20 years old. I live in Canada. I've been with the same guy for three years. And he's amazing. He's wonderful. He treats me like a queen. He's what every girl needs. You know, like I snatched up the last good one in our town.

So, anyways, my dilemma, though, is we've been together for three years. And now, like, on Instagram, this random dude DM'd me. And this guy, like, he's good looking. And I don't know what my problem was. But, like, when I told him off, he just DM'd me, hey. And then I was like, hey, I have a boyfriend. Like, just FYI. Yeah.

And he was like, that's okay. Sorry for bothering you. And I was like, oh, you're not bothering me. it's just, just FYI. Like, I don't want to, like, I almost, I don't know. I don't know why I said that to be honest. That's where this all started. Wow. Good, good job. Anyways. So this guy, me and him started talking and then I felt kind of gross about us talking because it's like stuff that I wouldn't necessarily want my boyfriend to like read, like going through my messages and reading that. So I was like, eventually we talked for like a few weeks and then I asked him to stop

because I was like this is weird and but actually because he was such a nice guy and my best friend was actually going through a really bad breakup I tried to make like a rebound thing happen there but like it didn't work out because she went back to her boyfriend but me and this guy kind of kept talking but then I like I said I felt weird about it so I asked him to stop and he's like no no I just want to be friends but I was like no I just like we're not friends we should stop and like sometimes we would talk about meeting and that part of it felt like weird to me because he lives three hours away like why would I drive that far to see anybody or why would he um yeah so it got kind of weird so I asked him to stop and he did stop for like months and now like this week he

started again and i'm like no man like what why what are you getting out of it and he's like don't worry i'm not just some fuck boy like i can be friends with a girl without just wanting things from her but like at the same time you get so flirty right away like am i wrong for telling him off or like should i just i don't know what's my problem like what am i supposed to do here i i can't tell any of my friends this because like i feel embarrassed and also my friends just kind of support every like thing i do so it's not like even if they knew it was a bad idea they would be like oh try it let's see what happens anyways um thanks in advance for your help wow um a first question which she can't answer how the fuck like how

do people like a random slides into your dms like do they have mutual friends do you think like i think people spend way too much time on instagram and on social media in general and for her to like be so consumed with what this random guy is saying to her like live your life your boyfriend in real life yeah go back to him like who cares about this guy just stop talking to him and i hate to be the one who's like because i never liked to like the idea like oh my god girls you're sending mixed messages like but you really are you're like telling him i'll be like i have a boyfriend and he's like oh okay sorry no i just like fyi like you're backtracking like you're making these like telling him off i'm using air quotations like telling him off statements

but then you're backtracking like you're not following through with it and on top like more than anything like you don't need to tell him like hey stop talking to me just stop responding like you need to take yeah take some of the ownership of the fact that like i like this guy you're not that i'm saying you're encouraging him or whatever but like you've been having like a conversation like like a text relationship or like for a couple weeks you're leading him to believe that like yeah you're gonna meet up and all of that so like he's not uh i'm not gonna say that he's being a fuck boy at all like if anything i love you girl you're kind of being a fuck girl like you're you're being a little bit she's kind of going behind yeah back and

talking to him just ignoring exactly and you want him to stop talking to you so then you don't actually have to make any of like the decisions aspects of it but like if you really love your boyfriend and really care about your boyfriend like you need to like stop talking to this dude block him don't respond to him he lives three hours a fucking way like you don't like you're not going to run into him it's not gonna be a far away that is so far like three hours like six hours total if you go back to san diego yes and oh my god and that i would be like i just sleep here i'm tired don't encourage her i don't know the thing is like you like the attention or else you wouldn't be messaging him back 100 validation yeah and i totally understand that i love attention

yeah so i was on a dating i was on it i got permission from my boyfriend because i wanted to be on a dating app because i just like was really my friends were complaining about like how rough it was and i was like let me see what we're working with and so i made a profile and i was like i'm not gonna message anybody like if anyone messages me i just like kind of want to see like i don't know i was like feeling down and he was like yeah if it makes you like feel good about yourself boy oh boy did i feel great about myself like it was such a confidence boost so i understand that aspect of it like i'm definitely someone in a relationship like even if you're in a relationship you can still like it's nice to feel wanted yeah and validation and anything like that but like

the issue is is acting on any of that yeah and if you feel like you're not getting that sort of attention and validation from your partner like then why are you with them yeah exactly and like he can be a really really great guy and like you can still not be and if someone's like so so so fucking awesome it can be really hard to then ask for something additional that you need or you want because you're like why am I complaining you're so perfect right like you're you're so great to me you treat me so awesome like you can say like this I like I don't like even if it sounds a little selfish being like I just really kind of want more attention or something like like anything like that and asking for that it's not asking too much at all that's what a relationship is

so I don't feel like you need to seek that in other like romantic relationships that's a good point and if it's like about like someone to talk to during the day like text your friends like he's filling a void and you have to figure out what that void is and then that either needs to be addressed in your relationship or you need to figure it out in a way that's not romantic like if it's attention or someone talking like i don't know like my boyfriend has like a normal job and it's the middle of the day i'm like who am i going to talk to and i'm just like i'll like text my friends but like i'm not like sliding into like i would slide into michael b jordan's dms but like i i want to do it in a more like i wouldn't do the dms i would do like a really like secure

way to like get a secure way yeah we would be we're gonna be sisterized i know we love him so much but yeah i just think like you need to assume a little more and take more responsibility of like the role that you've played in this because the reason why you're still talking to him like he immediately as soon as he found out you had a boyfriend like he was like oh okay my bad i'm sorry and then you were like oh no no but like you can stay yeah and guys always want what they can't have so honestly it probably just made him want to talk to you more 100 and also like he if anything like you're giving him the idea that like it doesn't really matter that you have a boyfriend and he'll be like oh don't worry like i'm not a fuck boy like it's it then what are you just

trying to be friends yeah like yeah i again i match with someone on a dating app um because i use this white bread on everyone in this like era and their bio was like just here for friends and like this person like i'm just gonna can we cut it out who it is um but yeah he was there for just friends like you don't need friends sir he needs somebody to fund his next movie yeah is that what you're here for sir but yeah i think you need to cut it off with this guy and evaluate um assume responsibility and then evaluate like what you're lacking in whether it's your relationship or what you feel like you're lacking in your life and what it was that you were seeking from this guy because i don't think he's the bad guy in the situation i think he's kind of just

a convenient way for you to like get some attention which there's no shame in like wanting to get attention but like that's just like not not a kosher way to do it you're in a relationship yeah it's if you're keeping it secret from your boyfriend if you're just wanting to be friends with him then there's something wrong with that so if you just want to be friends with him then tell your boyfriend yeah there's no problem yeah don't keep secrets secret secrets are no fun unless you share with everyone me being a preschool teacher should we go into the next all right i'm 23. I've been married for a little over two years, though that's not really that important to what I'm calling about. So I moved out of my parents' house eight hours away about four years

ago, and things started going really downhill with my relationship with my parents. So a little background. My now husband and I planned a trip for our one-year anniversary, and my parents basically threatened not to bless our marriage if we went, which was very manipulative. We ended up not going, but there was a lot of resentment there. My younger brother and his new wife have also experienced a lot of meanness from my mom, her essentially bullying my sister-in-law. and to add on to all of that they just decided to become foster parents instead of fixing their relationship with their kids who are outside of the house and have kept this foster care

situation secret from some of my family members and so I guess I'm really just calling for some advice on how to handle this situation. It's been going on for a while and at this point I just had a lot of anxiety and guilt at the same time um whenever i have to call and talk to my parents so i would really just like your advice on how you would handle this situation um and yeah oh my god oh my gosh you yeah i'm confused but that's so sad it is super sad um i am not religious so when you bless him can you like like were you i'm not even sure what that okay i don't think it has to be a religious thing it's just like they're not accepting it married for a year yeah like wouldn't the like too it's just a little too late like we're already married like i i don't

understand i kind of wanted to know from her their reasoning behind yeah like are they paying for were they paying for like are they supporting them yeah like what if like what's what stakes do they have that they can like call those shots like and makes it yeah because i mean you're an adult you're married so like you have your own family at this point yeah so i don't know if they they are like financially involved in your life um i mean i gosh the foster part like that like the not foster foster foster kid part that's the one that like that's where like kind of like throws a wrench in like my whole thing of being like cut toxic people out but also like i don't know like the idea that like what if they're shitty to these kids so her parents are

now raising foster yeah her parents or their her parents don't want the kid like they just want kids they don't want their kids to grow up that's what it seems like oh that kind of yeah and like they don't want the independent they want like the kids like people who depend on them that's manipulative yeah i mean in general this is super manipulative i'm uh i don't know if you guys are with financial ties i think if you do like as like make a huge priority to not um in a couple like in like a year a couple years however soon you can but i'm like a big believer in like cutting toxic people out of your life regardless of their relation to you like you shouldn't have to like there are certain things like everyone's like human parents are human kids are human like

your friends like your partners all of that stuff but you shouldn't have to like sacrifice and like bend over backwards to like accept like a shitty like whatever like love or whatever that relationship is that someone's like giving you if you're accepting something that's like not whole or like not like fulfilling you at all and you're also having to like I don't know like sacrifice and like compromise on all these other things like they're not filling that like that that role of like being a parent like that's I think like found family and everything like that is like so important and if someone's going to like want to be if they're going to be your parent i don't think that you should have to like endure a bunch of things to not get the

benefits of it and it sounds like they don't want the best for her yeah so i'm i would honestly cut ties and so like there's this thing called empty nest syndrome and it's a feeling of grief and loneliness parents may feel when their children leave home for the first time so that's what it sounds like yeah yeah and it's and it's like i think like you don't have to like make any rash uh like statements to them i think like because you live farther away and like all of that i think like you and your brother should sit down and with like your maybe you guys sit down first before you include the significant others and be like you know what like we're both not going to take this like it's not it's also like just not fair and healthy to like your both of

your partners too like especially for like the sister-in-law like that fucking sucks like that sucks so much so if you guys kind of together say like you know what we're not gonna we're gonna to take a big step back and if they decide that they want to like come back into our lives in like a positive and healthy manner like we're not ruling that out but like we're not we're going to be each other's like core circle family sort of thing and spend as much time if they live close hopefully like spend as much time as you can like with them and like fostering that relationship because if they grow out of it or they don't um who knows and then yeah because I think like the hopefully yeah there'll be like a lot um you not you didn't mention anything about like they were

terrible to you as like like childhood yeah we don't really know the whole story so i think like in that way i wouldn't like i don't know if you're worried about the i don't know if you feel either it sounds like you feel more replaced by the foster kids you're not like worried that like oh they've got all these people they're like monsters and now there's new people there um so i think you just need to like take a step distance yeah and if they change yeah their behavior you can always rekindle that relationship as i look this up it's actually a form of depression so um family counseling may be a good move too yeah yeah that would make sense and i don't know what your parents relationship is like with each other like if like your dad's an active

participant in this or if it's mostly just your mom or like what's happening there um but yeah i think family counseling would be like a good suggestion but um yeah if they're not willing and like able to do that i don't think you need to sacrifice your own personal happiness for them also because i think like we should hold people to higher standards and if you just like let people be shitty then they're like oh okay cool i can be shitty like this is fine and like this is an acceptable behavior when in reality like if you hold people to a higher standard they're like oh i need to like get my act together and be a better person because like this isn't gonna fly so that's a hard like line to draw because like they're your parents but um i think the distance

she would be good i just want to send her to my new therapist i'm like talk to my new therapist she's great i am 22 i'm from alberta canada and for the past three and a half years i've been in cancer treatment uh long story short it's pretty serious but i am stable right now so that's good um I recently moved back to my hometown I moved away to be closer to a different hospital but now that I'm doing better I came back home and I really want to start dating which I'm kind of struggling with first of all because like I can't work I'm not in school so I don't really know how to meet any guys aside from like dating apps which have not really worked out for me before but I'm also struggling with knowing when and how to tell them I have cancer I mean not

specifically the cancer thing that's pretty obvious and I'm pretty open about that but more specifically some of like the side effects such as um well I can't have children my ovaries have been crispy fried so that's out of the question for me but um also like I don't know how to tell them like I'm not really into sex right now between like my antidepressants and you know no ovaries so I don't produce estrogen so I don't like I haven't felt like any sexual feelings or urges at all in like three years so I'm never horny or turned on or anything and like sex hurts so I don't know but like do you have any advice on like when and how to tell guys this and how to not like freak them out about the whole cancer thing and like how do I tell a guy that I really

like that maybe wants kids really bad that I can't have kids and I also don't know if I even want them so yeah any advice you can give me would be great thank you so much I love you so much feel free to give me some tough love oh my gosh wow let me say this before i forget yeah what she said about like not freaking the guy out the right guy for you will not be freaked out and he'll love you like no matter what if you want to have kids if you don't want to have kids i just had to get that off my chest well it's true i think there's a partner for absolutely everyone and i think like i uh i have like a massive fear that i'm not gonna be able to have kids because i have endometriosis and what's that oh my god but what is it not it's ruining my life um so one of the things it's uh

one of the things can be infertility and it's typically in general if you have endometriosis it doesn't mean you're infertile but it does mean that it's harder yeah um and my mom had endometriosis but she had yeah you know a lot of people who like still had kids but some people are infertile from it yeah um and i didn't officially or yeah i didn't find out that i had it until i was like in a relationship and that like my boyfriend and i've always talked about kids like we've always talked about like we want kids and all of that sort of stuff and so i was terrified like to tell not even tell like a new person but to tell the person that i was with that like we might not be like yeah able to have kids and his like immediate reaction he was like

first of all we don't know that and like if anything like i really like we want to make this a priority like if that means like eventually guys don't get like excited um but like he's like if it came like uh we like any like he's like i don't mind how much we would have to pay for ivf or like anything like that so i do that and he's like and if it doesn't like that's not the only way to have kids like we can adopt we could do all of these other things um and my yeah in my mind like i was afraid of like the person who i'd been with for years even having like issues with that because i had known he'd always wanted kids but then he said he's like i he's like we talked about kids pretty early on into our relationship he's like if i knew that you actually just didn't

want to be a mom. He's like, we probably wouldn't have been together. And he, but, and that's also the same thing of like, if I met a guy who didn't want kids, I wouldn't have ended up with that person. And the same way, if you don't want kids and you can't have kids, there is, there are so many people who also feel that way. And the same way that you're afraid that that's going to be a deal breaker. Like I hate the term, like some people's deal breakers, other people's deal maker, but like, that is true. Like that, like children is a deal breaker for people on either side of it so I don't I really really wouldn't worry about that because you're exactly right like the right guy and the one who's not even like your soulmate but like the one who's like

a match for you not even just romantically but like life-wise life partner yeah and like someone who wants to do life the same way that you want to do life like that that person it's not going to matter like it won't it'll be like great perfect that's exactly how I like how I feel and what I want um comes like for the time timing aspect of it I think you said you're like very open what on I don't know if like if you are open on like Instagram or social she has a YouTube channel okay she did send to us okay yeah so yeah so you're open with so if people googled you like you've got a YouTube channel if they looked you up on Instagram and all that stuff guys could do their homework before a date and be like okay cool great this is what like this is

she's got cancer this is something like that and I think in general I mean guys are stupid but like if I was a girl in the situation I like looked I would look up and be like oh I wonder what like what this is about and what this is like um and i think like a good a good guy who cares is going to like he's not just gonna see that and be like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna like look at look into that or like look research about that and see what that means because i'm sure he would probably feel uncomfortable like immediately asking you a bunch of questions that he'll want to like backlog the information himself first um i think you just have to give people like an opportunity and a chance to like pleasantly surprise you um i think dating i totally understand

like like i'm sure you can understand like the how do you meet people when you're not in school and you don't have a normal job i know i was gonna say so fucking hard it is and i think but now like because i i live down by the beach and what i because i don't have dating apps and i just i literally go to the grocery store i go to like i'm around shopping the gym and i just i i've started like actually introducing myself to guys and being like hey like my name is Meredith it's so funny because I used to be the complete opposite I was super shy but you just kind of have to put yourself out there like you never know if you never try so you just you got to just do it I think that's it's like just going for it I think is a great um I don't know it's like a great even

not that you will necessarily get shot down but I think you're like it's gonna be a confidence booster like you're gonna realize like oh wow like I can do this too like this just doesn't have to be guys and I think if you're not afraid if you're open to dating apps I wouldn't even say you necessarily need to use them for that but I have friends who've gotten with their partners because they like were friends of friends or knew each other or they saw each other on a dating app and then they never like messaged each other or anything but then later on they met at a bar and it was like oh my god we matched on this dating app and yeah or it's like a friend of a friend so you know that they're single and interested like it can be also a good way just to be like

oh these are people that i knew from like high school like and who's like available in there it's kind of just like you're browsing so you don't have to like actively use that um but i think if you want to and you are like comfortable actively using it i think like the more honest and transparent you can be on a dating app better 100 works in your favor i think uh people have this idea of putting on this like fake like like airbrushed idea of who they are on a dating app and that's only going to like it's just you're never gonna like not even live up to it you're not gonna match that person like when you meet in real life so true and i use it like when you meet a guy and you're like oh my god you just picked all the best pictures of yourself and

you like had your friend write this because you're not funny at all like there's no like realness to it i mean oh no no you're funny though i wrote her dating out yeah no but we did it together for both mothers and you would never be the people they would meet you in person oh she's so she's funny as fuck um but like i had one of my when i had dating apps i've said it before one of the last pictures i had was me right after i got my nose done so i have blood everywhere like two black eyes that's everything and it was like holy shit this girl's fucking weird i like it so i think the more uh the more open and honest you can be right at the start um and you said you you're pretty open with that kind of stuff i think you'll be surprised at um

how many like guys are pushing yeah and like they're they're not just there for like also like penetration intercourse and all of those different like that's they're like i know like there are a lot of people who have like if you've ever looked at uh she's on buzzfeed laura or laura on buzzfeed she's got endometriosis and like uh something else that makes it impossible for her to have like penetrative sex without being like incredibly painful and she talks about dating with that and like what that's like and how to like introduce it into a relationship or like when you're meeting somebody so i think that's a good call uh just to be honest and and tell people there's a book called sex and cancer intimacy romance and love after diagnosis and treatment

um and it's written by a doctor and someone that went through cancer so um that's a good book that's something you could possibly uh check out it's got a ton of reviews and it was only written a couple years ago so it's like a newer book yeah it's not like the one like the like a just like a oh you and you take your diaphragm yeah and you're like what the fuck is a diaphragm even oh wow you're you you've got this you're gonna be i i'm rooting for you i have faith in you and all them boys yeah about to get all them boys to the yard yeah with your milk just sit in your yard consumption because this is how i do it my milkshakes where are the boys i am in my yard okay guys and it's time for a quick break and we'll be back with more calls

okay guys let's get into the rest of the calls i just i'm kind of in need of some big sister advice um for a very recent situation that just happened about 12 hours ago um so I'm 22 years old I'm almost done with college um and last night I lost my virginity um which I know like it's kind of like a light bloomer situation I guess but I was a light bloomer um I didn't have a boyfriend until I was 20 so things just were slower for me um I didn't really open up until I got to college and even then it took some time but um yeah so I've had um long-ish relationships and I've dated around but I've always been kind of like you know I want to wait uh to have sex with every person um but i've been single for about five months um now and i you know i've

been like doing the tinder thing but i haven't gone on a date in a while and i just met up with this guy um last night he was at dinner and it sort of just happened um and basically the advice i need is sort of just how can you kind of i don't know it sounds gross but like take ownership of your sexuality and like not feel guilty for you know not doing it in past relationships and kind of just doing it in this one-and-done hookup thing I mean the experience itself was all right you know whatever but I'm just kind of dealing with this internal conflict of like not regretting it and not feeling um you know sort of just sad about the whole thing like I know you know it's whatever like it was a consensual experience and you know it was all right um it could have been

worse but I don't know I'm just I just kind of need a little like push to like hey don't feel shitty about this and you know yeah I don't really know anything else um I would need from this but just any sort of like advice about like going forward and like dating and hooking up and not feeling guilty about sex and all that other shit don't feel guilty don't feel guilty girl I can relate to this big time like oh I went through when I turned 20 I think I lost my virginity when I was 20 I like went through this year of just hooking up with guys and I felt so guilty about it like I remember just like coming home and just like hating myself for it and that just made it so much worse and when I finally like let go of that guilt and just kind of forgave myself

it was like this whole new world opened up in front of me and I finally like realized okay this is how I want to date this is what I want to do and I was kind of doing it to just like please other people it's I think it's fine like if you're doing it because you just want to have sex like do it but like I was doing it for the wrong reasons so I just felt really guilty about it um but there's no reason for you to feel guilty like you're young like you're just figuring out what you want to do and going forward like I think just have a mindset of like you're just you're becoming like you're becoming yourself and you have to go through these experiences in order to like grow and become your greatest self like that's what you're doing right now girlfriend

yeah oh sorry i was holding that in for a second um i think like i like guilt and everything that comes with like sex and stuff i think like it's like a two-fold thing because i think in general women are really taught uh that men are taught that like sleep around like don't like test like you gotta test drive the car before you drive it off the lot and all of this and women are told that they're delicate and they're fragile and like men are like boys are dangerous and stay away and keep this thing to yourself but in reality everyone's gonna call you pretty and like all the time and like seek that validation but like don't act on any of that stuff so it can be really really really confusing to be a woman who's constantly sexualized but then being like no

know but you don't get to control that i get to control if i sexualize you like me as if i'm a man i get to control how you like what you're i mean a you're like sexual health and like like all of this stuff like men control so much of women's sex and including in the things like men men have decided for ages like who's sexy like who's like maxim hot 100 like that's decided by men like men are deciding who are sexual and like who are sexy and who they're attracted to and then controlling when that is appropriate and when they want that and when they don't and for women, it's really, really, really confusing. And at the same time, I think there is this like fantastic influx of women taking control of their sex life and all of that. But the biggest thing

is, is that if you want to, like if you want to sleep around and you want to, it's about having the choice. It's like that's like always what it is, is what we as women are fighting for. It's being like, I'm not going to tell you what to do with your body. I'm telling you that no one else should be able to tell you you have to do this. I want to give you that choice. So I think if you feel like you like the guilt that you have is just society imposed on the idea that like you're supposed to be like this virginal flower that is never touched in a forbidden garden and you're like oh but i want to like i really want to like explore sexually and do all of that then i think you need to like in like just seek out like media and things that that promotes like like positive

female sex and like like fostering that and there's just like there's so much a great article you can read books like shows like broad city like there's so many things that are like are pioneers of like women taking control of like their own sex life but at the on the other side of it if you feel like that's something that like if you i i really hope everyone identifies as a feminist but like you identify as a feminist and you're like yes yes yes for sure you can be a pioneer and vouching for women to have the choice of what they want to do with their bodies and you can choose to not sleep around if that doesn't like make you happy and that's not what you want so i think you need to figure out which side your guilt is coming from like is it coming from the

fact that like you like how i was how i just did it to please other people and i actually didn't want to have sex and also we can get into that idea of being like this is like i have never been one to uh and that's why i like slept around a little bit but like i've never like not in like my adult life like at fucking hall like only in like high school college like that was it but like i got to my 20s i was like no i'm not that was like not my thing at all but like all the more power to women who want to do that but there can be the thing of being like if your friends are all doing it and you can think that like oh i'm supposed to want to do this so i'm just going to do it and then it's going to click and this is what i want and it might not be what you want

and like there's no shame in any of that and i think like the more that you can inform yourself of uh just yeah like reading and like just like taking in like a lot of content media that is about like empowering women you're going to realize if it is on the other side of being like you're feeling guilty because you don't really want to do this you realize that that's not what the argument is the argument is not for like every woman to like sleep around it's to have the choice and the freedom to do that without judgment so there shouldn't be judgment on any on either side yeah i i love it that makes me so happy yeah that was really good it just makes me like really like sad because like also like i have like i don't know like i'm like very like

pro-sex positive and all that but like i've never like even in my 20s like there was definitely a a time where i was like how can i be like such a like a pro-sex like feminist like woman all of that stuff hey i didn't start masturbating until i was so much older but it was like i was never it what i don't know like i it felt like i wasn't like doing a good job at like being like speak like i was like speaking out for these things but i wasn't like taking my own i don't know like there's just like such a spectrum in all of that and like it's the same like with like uh with the uh pro-choice like it's about everyone should choose their what they fucking want to do with their own bodies and i think there can even be like a lot of pressure in communities of like

like oh my god like judgment like you didn't sleep around like you haven't slept around like like anything like that like you can be a feminist you can be pro-sex and be like fuck yeah i want to get my own but like you don't if you don't get sexual pleasure from like sleeping with multiple partners like that's not the point then like it's the point is like to do what empowers you and makes you feel great and if society's telling you that you shouldn't feel great and that's why you feel guilty like you need to like not surround yourself with people who believe like that but on the other end like you can be like a great feminist and like very like pro like very like a like current and modern and like a pioneer of all of that and you don't have to it's just about choosing to do

what you want to do with your body yeah yes amen also and for the record like we're losing virginity sucks i lost my virginity to my like high school boyfriend who i was like totally in love with and it like it was not great like no it's it's so bad like it wasn't like so like don't think that like you like the idea it's like oh i want to be in like i want to be in i want it to be perfect i want to be in love like that happens for some people didn't you have like a great losing yeah but that's also because i i started masturbating like see when i was younger that's what that's my dumb so um yeah and i and my like virginity was just some guy that i had a class with so i didn't have like that love yeah put on it i had i had that love and it was like

subpar at fucking best um but i think it's i for me what i think it's like i think it's the if if you're someone who kind of like leans in a more um like uh you like like seek monogamous relationships and all of that which i think a lot of times people who like have this idea of losing their virginity in a relationship with someone they love and all of that i don't think it's about the first person you sleep with i think it's about the last person you sleep with like i think that's like that's the more like the first time i had sex with my like with like my current boyfriend was like that's kind of that means so much more to me than the when I lost my virginity at fucking 16 to like my high school boyfriend who I was like so in love with like it doesn't

relate you know what I mean like it doesn't well like for me looking back I like look at it and I'm just like I almost like I don't regret it because it made me the person that I am today like I literally like thank all those people for teaching me the lessons I learned like it sucked but like I don't care like it it had to happen that way and I'm not gonna like look back and like oh like darn it but yeah yeah there's an article i'm gonna put in the notes called three ways to unlearn sexual guilt and i love the picture it looks like like your bed with this girl just holding a pink dildo yes it's me i've done some stock modeling in my day stop it so yeah the three things are um turn guilt into pleasure reflection and expression

and then self-pleasure and sexual confidence and then it goes into detail about these so i'll put these masturbation yeah yeah okay do you have another one yes yay i don't know why i said it like that i'm 20 years old i'm in college and i live in a house with four other girls um one of the girls recently started hanging out with two girls and they started to have a bad influence on her and keep in mind these girls kind of came out of nowhere so it was like kind of concerning She started doing cocaine and Xanax, but she said that cocaine was too expensive, so she probably wouldn't do it that much. This past summer, she had like 10 friends over, which included a few cocaine dealers, which bugs me because they came in our house with the code, so they still know the code to our house. Although that annoys me, the main concern is that my friend is just going down a bad path.

She also has been skipping class for the past few weeks, and so I'm just getting a bunch of bad signs from her. I feel like there's a lot of underlying issues that she hasn't addressed ever. Like, she was adopted, and her parents split up. She's not very close with her sister, and her parents are, like, supportive of her, but not really involved um she doesn't like when my roommates and I judge her so I'm conflicted as to what I should do in this situation um I'm concerned for her and we have previously like said something to her but she's like oh yeah haha that'd be sad if I die so I just don't know what I should do maybe I should wait it out um I don't know if I should talk to her talk to my mom

uh please help um i think probably i would assume probably around the same age because usually when you have roommates in college it's like you you usually end up like being the same age unless you moved into like a house and she's like an upperclassman oh okay i actually i'm not gonna start you start okay uh what i am gonna say about this situation is i think you're it sounds like your friend is struggling mentally and i think to just be there for her and support her is the most important thing um just let her know like you're there for her don't try to pry anything out of her um just kind of like let her figure it out i the fact she's you know using drugs is is very concerning um but maybe even just telling her i think she

said something about her parents not being involved she was adopted and oh yeah yeah yeah i mean i think i mean i think she's depressed i think like it's a huge aspect of like self-medicating with like drugs and all of that sort of stuff um i so i have been we've like talked about how i've dated like a lot of drug dealers but aside from that i had a uh a girl that i was like friends ish with like we were kind of more like uh surface level friends acquaintances yeah but yeah yeah yeah but like her uh her friends that yeah she like was rolling with the circle of other people and i have all i'm like despite being like a leo my pisces moon really comes in to be like let me nurture you and the same thing with like i've got a lot of cancer

in my chart so like i i feel like i i also think like i i like did everything like two years or three years ahead of people so like by the time that i turned 21 i was like i'm fucking i haven't drank in two years like i'm over this shit like i stopped drinking i was 18 like i'd say like i like i aged out of it so by the time that like i was in my 20s like my boyfriend like he's four or five years older than me he's like i would have never dated someone like we're 22 he would have never dated a 22 year old but like you were like 35 and i was like i don't know if i'm mature enough yeah so like that's so i so i had a uh this person that i knew and same thing got like caught up in kind of like party scene and like drugs and everything like that um i really tried to talk

to her about it and then um at the very terrible advice that i i sought out advice from somebody who was older than me that i like looked up to i got advice from them and they were like you have to tell her family you need to tell her mom and i was like like i don't know how young and i was like so terrified and I was like I like had called her mom and I was like I'm just like concerned blah blah blah and all that did was cut that girl completely out of my life and she was like I'm fucking done I'm not like speaking to you again how could you do that like or anything and if somebody is going through a really really really hard time I'm 100% with you the only thing you can do is be like I love you and I support you and I'm here whenever you want to talk about it

if you don't want to talk about it or anything like there's nothing you can do to protect somebody from something that they don't see there's an issue there yet yeah and if it i think if you're if you want to have a sit down talk with her i wouldn't talk to her about like the drugs or anything i talked to her about like how are you doing how are you doing like i'm gonna be like i want to be like transparent with you i don't want to put words in your mouth and tell you how you're feeling but like as of lately it seems like you've been feeling a little depressed and i just want to know if there's anything that i can do and if you open it to be about how she's feeling i think you're gonna she she's gonna be a lot more likely to come to you when she's ready and figuring that

out and you just can't protect anybody from the choices that they're gonna make like they have to make everyone's gonna make their own choices and they have to make them to learn those lessons and as much as we love people and like even if like you had been through something like this before and you want to protect people from making the same mistakes that you did you can't like everybody has to learn that in their own way so true and it sucks and it's hard and i think like i also don't want you to feel a responsibility that like if you feel like you're in an unsafe situation or you feel like the people who are at your house it's unsafe like you need to make sure you take like put your oxygen mask on first before you like help and assist others so if that means

like it's not your responsibility to always be this girl's roommate it's not your responsibility to be her best friend if it starts to take a toll on you and puts you in situations then yeah that sacrifice your mental health or your safety or anything like that that is when you need to like but but but keep that converse door like conversation open and i would try your best not to talk shit with your roommates about her because that's all that is doing is alienating her and making her feel worse it's gonna make it so much worse it's ganging up like you're but like essentially like like substance abuse is like it's an illness like that's not it's something a you're predisposed to if you have a family history of it like it's not just like

an accident like it's not i mean it's it's not something that happens that like you can even just stop immediately like these are things that happen and like it needs to be treated as such and the same way that if you had a friend who got really sick you wouldn't be talking shit about them and judging them with your like other friends um i think you can be concerned but try and do your best to take away that judgment because you can't understand what that's like yeah and with her being adopted too she doesn't know if that is part of she might not know if that's part of her family history yeah yeah okay uh so now it's time for don't blame them as you can tell this is a segment that we have named recently what is this so this is when uh listeners call in with their

own advice so if they've been through a situation similar like if they have a roommate who like did coke or whatever oh this is cool then they can call in and be like oh this happened to me um and also i do want to say i like for the audience who watches the show it is fully split it is either people who like they i get dms people being like i'm really nervous to call in like i feel like my friends are going to know my voice and like they're going to figure out this me talking about them so like i can't do what i have to message you and then there are people who don't realize that they are messaging me on a public profile telling me all about their lives i've gotten so many fucking me as what people being like so remember that episode we talked about

threesomes i want to give you my experience like the threesome that i had naming these people i'm like bitch i just searched all the people you had a threesome with so much information on your not private profile and it's there is no in between and it's either like so secretive or like i know so much about some of your lives like or even those girls who like so i was a sugar baby and i'm like bitch you are a sugar i'm like i literally can see everything do we just react um so yeah so they're gonna call in for uh these ones let's go it's a good time so the original call is from um episode season 3 episode 13 with Elle Mills and um the original caller um she was 16 years old and she was having trouble comparing herself to others and so this is someone calling

in with similar experience okay hi Megan I am calling back in response to your recent episode with Elle Mills talking um to the 16 year old girl who was struggling with her self-love and comparing yourself to others. Um, when I was 14, I had the lowest self-confidence. Um, I was always the tall, awkward girl, never had clear skin, was never skinny enough, still not skinny quote unquote enough. Um, still don't have clear skin. Um, but I love myself and I'm super proud, but I can honestly say that it was one hell of a journey um and like I still have bad days um I'm gonna shout out this Instagram account called recipes for self-love it's incredibly inclusive and just always has daily reminders of like don't let anyone dull your shine and like all of that stuff

and like well it's normal it's very feminist anyways my biggest advice for self-confidence is to fake it until you make it. So when I was 14, I decided one day I didn't want to be the girl who always felt sorry for herself and was always putting herself down. I wanted to be confident. So every morning I would look in the mirror and I would say, hey, I like my hair today. Or hey, my skin's not looking that bad today. Or wow, my eyebrows are looking great. Or I love my collarbones. And like tiny little things every single day turned into this great self-love for myself and there are bad days a hundred percent, but the next morning I let myself have those bad days. And the next morning I wake up and I say, wow, I'm fucking cute. Anyways, wishing you

patience and love for yourself. Um, and yeah, everybody goes through this shit and definitely like curate what you see on your daily basis. Um, yeah. Love the podcast. Thank you so much. sending you love and patience with yourself and kindness bye i feel like i got to my third therapy session of a week yeah that was you have a beautiful voice too i like wow i want her to read like me just like yeah you might recommended the instagram account which i'll definitely check out but like i want you to like send me voice memos every day of affirmations like her voice is so soothing and nice yeah she needs to have like a her own podcast yeah don't take over you gonna you can't have this one um i think that's great i think uh i think i i mean i definitely uh

succumbed to like the oh yeah fake it till you make it i haven't made it i'm still faking it but i think it's um yeah i think it's remarkable how i like never did like an assumptions video but i was like contemplating doing like the people like reacting to people's assumptions um but i got a lot of messages a lot of those well yeah i know but i got a lot of messages of people being like no don't do that like Lily did that and it was so mean like I don't want you I feel like you're in a very fragile state I'm like thanks guys yeah yeah I'm in a fragile state you're right I'm not gonna do it but I got a lot of people who are like you are so incredibly confident and I was like whoa no not at all but it was like this idea that like we look at people

and I when I look at people and I'm like oh my god they're so confident and I'm like faking it there's a part of you like even when you're faking it you think everyone knows that you're faking it and when you look at somebody you're like oh no that's real they're not faking it but the amount of people who are like you're super confident i was like i'm not even doing a good job at faking it and you fully believe this and so like this idea that i'm like i'm probably doing that with all of these other people too and i'm like a i'm a huge but like uh like fan of we've talked about her on the podcast so much jamila jamil i sent you her instagram account yes she's like just she's just amazing but so they have been posting on her iway account they've been posting a ton

about uh like what um body positivity and body um like body positivity and like inclusiveness and like body uh love is and the whole thing is of being like it doesn't mean that you have to look in the mirror and be like i am the most beautiful person in the world it just looks in the mirror being like it does not matter i am not it doesn't matter what the fuck i look like that doesn't mean that i'm beautiful or i'm not beautiful i don't have to think that i am drop dead gorgeous because it's the value people put on this like traditional idea of beauty that it's topical and it's what you look like and like not who you are and all these other things and that's something that i've related to so much more because i don't i can't like there are times like i think it's fantastic

people who can like look in the like and i can like i can get behind her thing i mean my eyebrows look great today i wish i had thicker eyebrows but like those are like there are certain things that i'm like i got a nose job i'm never gonna be like oh i loved my old nose like it's the greatest thing ever but i always never i never understood i'm like well why do i have to like why does it fucking matter if i love it or not like can't it just be like okay like whatever happens and like however i feel about it like why can't i be more excited that i'm funny like then like having to like love like that i have small boobs like can't and being like who cares about my small boobs i'm funny as fuck like why can't that be way that's such a good point and i think

that for me was like in the last year has been so much a much more of an attainable sort of thing because i was like this like self-love movement's not for me like i'm like a i don't feel like i going to be a part of it because i got a fucking nose job so like that already feels like a well i can't be like i love everything that you're good but i there are certain things that like you can't change and that like why does it matter okay with the fact that you're not okay with it yeah there's things that i look at me i'm like i don't like this but it's i'm not going to sit there and dwell and be like oh my god i don't like this i'm just fine with the fact that i don't like it and i'm and it doesn't like plague you and like it's not something that it's when we take

like the importance out of like what we like the idea of like what we look like a everyone sees everyone differently and you see yourself differently we're our harshest critics 100 and like i think that's a huge aspect of um like the like in like the influx and like i read an article about like i forget who i think sam smith someone someone tweeted or jamila jamila maybe tweet like about the influx of uh like teens with body dysmorphia and it was something of being like maybe we should take away the name of this because maybe it's the fact that no but like it's it's staggering the amount of people who a were like we're being pushed all these images that are photoshopped and all these different things so people are seeing they're seeing those

people as those people and if they see those people in real life they're friends who photoshop their friends who photoshop or facetune and on their picture on instagram they're going to see them in real life they're seeing that photoshopped image of them everyone's seeing this idea you're like you create everybody to be these things like being like illusion it's it's the entire all of it's an illusion so this idea that nobody really understands like when they look in the mirror what they look like because also like marketing has made us believe like oh no you should be zoning in on your hair follicles are they large and i'm like i don't even pay what the fuck am i paying attention to my hair follicles right no one told me to pay attention you can't fucking yeah and

it's the idea that like we're not looking for these things and like looking for what they look like until people told like told us to look for it like the thing that i never even knew what it was like and how this clicked for me was um hip dips there's something that happened with your i didn't even know what that was until i saw it on instagram and then i was like get rid of your hip dips i'm like i didn't even know what they were and then i'm all i learned was i was supposed to get rid of them and i remember i went to my trainer i was like hip dips and he goes did you fucking see that on instagram and i was like everyone has yeah and he was like you're like he's like have you this is your bones dude like like what the like what do you mean he was like

like this is so dumb and i was like it's like wow you're right like i've never thought about it and now suddenly why am i thinking about it because someone told me to and do you remember a couple years ago the whole thigh gap thing there were literally magazines that were like how to get a thigh gap and i remember thinking to be born with wide set hips yeah yeah i remember being like this is so toxic like the fact that people are like it's like the idea that you idolize like idolizing like looks in general but then when it boils down to like idolizing like bones and how your body is built and how it functions uh i think it's just like it's it's such a toxic thing because no matter what and i it's the same thing with like certain body types being on trend like that's

like that's so fucked up like it is like that's the trend instagram makes it so bad because like people are looking at it and they're like well why can't i look like that it's because your body was made a certain way and we can only you can't change the way your body was made you can become your best self and work out and feel great but you're never gonna be able to change the way you were made yeah and you need to embrace that and not just that but they don't look like that we were just but me oh most of them oh my god butt implants yeah they're getting face even like facetune like you see someone if you like look at someone and what she said about like curating curating what you see girl i have so many fucking accounts on mute of like people that i know in

real life who just facetune the shit out of it i'm like i can't look at that because even when i see you in real life i'm going to see this facetune version of yourself and i'm going to make myself feel bad about myself when in reality i'm i'm aspiring to look like or i'm feeling envious of you with someone you don't even look like you look like and then you look at their tagged pictures and you're like yeah this is not this is not the same like that's not what you look like and that's also like not what you should be why why are we aiming to look like this at all i like i i'm like i'm a huge believer like i mute unfollow every single account that photoshops or facetunes or anything like that i don't even have the facetune app on my phone like i just found an

account that like I feel like this no okay I just I noticed because I know when people like face to their background it was like oh no it's so bad I'm like no please don't because other girls are looking at this and they're gonna try to look like that like you don't look like that no and they're gonna be like how do those bushes get to be so wavy like I want bushes that are wavy and you're like girl no she's over there yeah just like zooming in and out and it's just not it's not yeah it's it's it's just so so so so so incredibly dumb okay wow so um that's it for this episode meredith thank you so much for being on for having me this was so fun honestly you are so great we'll have to have you back where i will talk a little less no i i like the amount of

talking you do i don't know i know people in the comments they're like megan stop talking so much no i did i did a good amount though you didn't you and you have fantastic insight and i also didn't disagree with you on anything which that always poses an awkward podcast when someone says something i'm like oh yeah that you're wrong yeah so if you guys uh want to call in for an upcoming episode give us a no give us a number no my god just give us a call give us a ringling on our phone with the number uh 310-694-0976 and international callers you can send us an audio file at meganpodcast at gmail.com uh where can people find you on the internet oh people can find me under my name which is meredith foster and if you know me from steel

bit when i and then you are the real mvp i'm the real yeah it is yes um she had her blue room i had my pink yeah my god we were like it's also fun to be like i think you're one of the only few people that we're the same the same era and genre of youtube they're one of the only people that i still talk like still know and talk to that i'm like wow wow look at our come up except my friend casey who is sparkly barbie but she doesn't do it anymore oh she doesn't no i keep trying to get her to like reactivate the instagram account just because i want like i want sparkly barbie to like my instagram like i like it when casey likes it but like sparkly barbie like yeah would you like those names oh my god yeah i'm all for it um if you guys want to follow uh the podcast on

instagram we're on instagram now at don't blah meme pod and uh and we are have instagrams you want to follow melissa and i yeah listed down below it's i mean you guys want to comment our instagrams everybody leave a comment with melissa and i's instagram yeah do it just tag us that way we know you listen to the end yeah oh yeah yeah that's those people you you are the real mvp and if you knew stila bebo nine and megan rosette oh kill me oh that was like a small stab to my heart oh gosh guys um and if you're watching this on youtube you can check it out uh for the audio version on itunes spotify um uh soundcloud stitcher all of them anyway yeah and if you're listening to this in your car because that's where all of y'all fuckers listen to podcasts

same though and that's when you always call us either or working out oh true oh that's yeah you go on the stairmaster oh that's fun i love that i do the murder ones when i'm like on the on the bike and then i'm like oh my god i'm running i'm running i'm running for murder i'm running away from these murders um uh you guys can uh watch it on youtube too if you want to see the video version and see meredith and i share a nice blanket and watch me almost see my pants in like a solid 35 seconds uh don't worry we'll cut before then okay guys we'll see you next week don't blame me as a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley

and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network