Don't Blame Me! - S3E22: Guest: Leo Howard - Managing Your Expectations

Episode Date: April 29, 2019

Leo Howard is back again to share his advice. This week we’re answering your questions on what to do if your husband threatens to divorce you due to your lack of fitness, if you should move if you don’t have a ring, handling your boyfriend’s ex stalking him, how to talk to your dad that was scammed by his now dead wife, and how to find a threesome partner. In Don’t Blame Them a caller shares her experience on not being ready for a relationship. References: Why Do Men Gaze at Gay Women  www.tinyurl.com/ya3l96c2 Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks/ @leohoward www.instagram.com/whoisleo/ @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa www./twitter.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Cocotopia, The Real Real, and DoorDash Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

um okay guys uh welcome back to a new episode of don't mind me we have teen heartthrob leo howard here damn straight i'm so happy you're here we've hung out in forever i love uh doing this as always and it's an excuse to see you yeah i'm so excited and we're um recording late in the day too thank you for that we accommodate your skin i very much appreciate it because i was working so much on a Saturday morning. But we love having you on. We do. And so do the fans. Your episodes are top rated. Well, thank you.

I've been told, actually, one of the most offensive things I read about the first podcast, they were like, Leo should stick to being on camera because he does not have a good voice on a podcast. And I was like, it got in my head. How can I change my voice? And I was like, fuck that. I'm not changing my voice. No, you should. If you ever want

to feel better about your podcast voice, you should read the comments of when Mott's was on the podcast for the first time. Oh, no. holy fucking shit homeboy people couldn't even get through the episode because homeboy and his fucking breathing first of all it's like a whistle breathing and it's like it just sounds like a blustery night in the entire episode like there's just like totally noises of fucking wind like and then when he came back i forgot about it but when he came back he was like i am not gonna breathe into the mic like that again there's you do have to learn

bunches of it and no one said anything about it this time yeah no absolutely there there is something to people that just have a pleasant voice to listen to maddie was listening to this girl on uh youtube who has an irish accent she does makeup tutorials and every time she listens to this person she falls asleep it's it's there and she looked up there's a real thing a certain people's voices soothe you to sleep i guess that's as asmr same kind of thing have you seen cardi v's asmr yes shut up wait does she really yeah where does she do it i think she put it on youtube i just saw a video on it as this is this is brilliant i love that i'd be into that kind of asr the other kind just makes me feel like i don't know like gross and not good yeah it's

uncomfortable for me yeah yeah it's like cilantro right yeah some people get the tingles and some people don't yeah it's uh it's like stirring craft macaroni and cheese and i don't need to say anymore everybody knows what i'm talking about let's do it oh yeah it's like asmr and amanda got headphones and now she's i love it um well guys this is an advice podcast if you're new here leo's not even new here this is your second time on third i was embarrassed to say that the first time i came on you know i had no idea what i was doing i'm awful not a good friend um so if guys want to call in for an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and for international listeners you can send us an audio file and megan podcast at gmail.com

okay should we go let's go let's go hey megan i am 23 years old and um i am married for three years now so I got married at 20. My husband and I have been together for nine years married three on and off and I recently within the past couple months have been in a situation where he has said that me working out and not being fit it has put a toll on our marriage and there was other things too that were said that weren't very nice but that's the gist of it and um he's not willing to let the fact that I'm not into fitness or anything go now we tried doing fitness together and I got into it and I enjoyed going with him because we had something to do together and he pretty much was like showing me for like a week and then after that week was over

he was like shooing me away and pretty much saying oh well I think you would do better if you did this or some the same thing around those lines but um and it really discouraged me so now it's to the point where I don't really want to work out by myself and I don't really enjoy working out but I enjoyed working out with him and having something to do with him so i just need advice and i need to know if because ultimately this is like coming down to marriage ending and it sounds stupid but i only have three minutes and i can't explain everything that has gone on but there has been trauma in the past from him talking about my weight when we were together before we got married and it plays a lot into why i feel about this now but um i just need

advice and i need opinions because it sounds stupid for my marriage to be ending over some stupid thing that could happen in the future of me gaining weight if that makes sense i don't even know if i'm making sense but thank you she sounds very sweet she does sound really sweet i really like her i don't like him i really like her i don't i don't want to say i don't like him because i don't know him but i don't i don't like some of the things that um were said that he is doing yeah i don't think that it's fair that it's his decision um over her decision to want to work out because that's a very personal thing and that's a decision that you have to make yourself if it's not something that you want to do that's your spouse's responsibility to support that is my

opinion yeah and i think if he had to me this sounds a lot more about weight and it doesn't sound about like health so there's something that like to be said about like moths doesn't really work out like he comes to the gym with me occasionally he went to the gym with me today and we had a conversation about um he had said he was like i really love how much you work out like i love like that it makes like really helps your anxiety and like i really like love that you have this thing that you really like really enjoy have like discovered that you've enjoyed doing later in like your adult life i think it's great to have like a passion that you find later in life and like you're prioritizing taking care of your health and i was like thank you i like you like

that's so nice of you to say those things but like you know you could totally like do that too and i had said that about like i was like i don't think it's about like weight or anything and this what i said to him i was like i think like there is something like just you're saying it's something attractive that i take care of myself like this like i think it's attractive when people take care of their bodies and even if it's just like walking and doing stuff like that and we had a conversation about that aspect of it but it was just about health it wasn't one of us me being like oh i wish you worked out more with me because i don't even really like working out with him but it was more about the sense of like you are you like this thing about me like why

if you're interested in me doing this like why do you not like do it you're like do wanting to it yourself in that aspect but he's your husband in this like this i think it's like i would be offended immediately like from this conversation point blank but you're saying that this is he's made comments before and about your weight and that's like so fucked up then like that to me i'm like this isn't a one-time thing he said this repeatedly and it just sounds like someone who's not i don't know like i i don't want to like be like i'm not your doctor with any like with like anyone's health but i also think like in general doctors are incredibly fat phobic like there's like they it's insane and like the idea that people think like you need to be a certain

weight to be healthy like there are for there like so many inclusive studies also about like weight being tied to health problems later on like there are some things that correlate to it but like most of those studies are inconclusive and i think like your boyfriend coming at this from like clearly uh superficial like shaming your weight kind of way like that's not how you talk to somebody that you love you know yeah there's uh there's a lot of things to this that obviously we're not hearing like she said you know you have three minutes to to give an entire story or an entire relationship problem but it it sounds like there is not there's two types there's like you were saying there's the way to come about this like hey i want you to lose weight for your

health you are unhealthy which is not what it sounds like it sounds like a very immature approach to uh a relationship problem it sounds very immature of your husband to say well you need to go work out in order for you to be good enough, which is a really, really dangerous thing to start telling people when you, when you put someone in a position to manipulate how they feel about themselves, uh, whether he means to or not, uh, that's what that does. And it puts her in a position to now she doesn't feel good unless he gives her approval and he's only going to give her, and it's just, it's a very dangerous cycle that goes down and down and down. It's dangerous getting your, your feeling about yourself from someone else. And it sounds like that's what that

situation is doing which is really scary for um um future peace in the relationship yeah yeah but i i'm also i'm a massive proponent for working out not necessarily just for health physically the reason i work out is a lot of it but most of it's mental yeah me too it gives me something that even on days where i don't feel like i accomplish anything i'm not further and it towards any of my goals it puts my mind to sleep and it totally makes my mind focused it makes me feel proud of something and I feel like a sense of accomplishment and I'm much happier. It is a literal thing. As soon as I leave the gym, I am so much happier. So I'm a big proponent for that. But at the same time, this sounds like a manipulative discussion. And I also think like the manipulation of this

has prevented you from I don't know if you're going to be able to in this relationship work out and get those feelings from it because it is being pushed by him for a looks reason. Like it's not about you wanting to go because you're interested in it your interest is tied to the fact that he's interested in it for you so at that point exactly like you're saying like your worth and how you feel about yourself is tied to what somebody else is telling you what they think of you and i don't know if you would even even if you started like going to the gym i don't know if like you would feel that like sense of like self-accomplishment because you're doing it for him and i think like the way you brought it up it didn't necessarily say that

like he was going to divorce you if you didn't start working out it sounded like you were going to be kind of done and i think if that's where your mind is at and you're already being like there's a history of all this other stuff like if this is making you think about your marriage ending i think you need to be really serious about how you feel because i think like if that's not a conversation that he has said like being like first of all if he said like if you don't get your shit if you don't start going exercising like i want to divorce you like you should divorce him like that's a fucked up thing to say yeah and i think like but if you're if you even if he hasn't brought it up and your mind is going there i think you need to stick with your gut because i think

you're realizing the fact that like he doesn't make you feel great about yourself and like what the fuck is why would you want to be with something like relationships aren't perfect at all but the person you are with like there might be times where like they say or do something that makes you feel shitty it's maybe sometimes it's intentional most of the time it's probably not intentional but if you're with someone who has a habit of making you feel not enough and it's not something that's like getting better and not something that they're like working on in therapy or figuring out what like the root cause of that is that's i don't i don't think we should be with anyone that we want to change at all and i think that's settling for him when there's going

to be like plenty of other people that aren't going to love you like under the condition that like you start going to the gym and he also doesn't even want to work like this makes no sense because like he doesn't want to work out with you but he wants you to go to the gym like well i i was gonna say there's a weird thing with that too where i i don't want to work out with my girlfriend but i want her to work out yeah she does work out but i don't i don't want to do i don't want to work out with anyone yeah i don't want to i don't want to i don't want to talk to anyone i don't want i don't want to have anyone i know working out with me i want everyone to fuck off and i want to do i want to do my workout right it's my time it's me time but at the same

time so i had this conversation with maddie the other day she wanted to start working out she's like can you show me i was like absolutely but here's the deal it's gonna be a weird thing you're not gonna like you're gonna argue with me and then it's like i said do whatever like whatever you feel like you should do or want to do do it she found this app and she hikes she goes on a hike every day with the dog and she does this this workout app and she does it every day and she's done great at it and i was like this is this is fantastic and you like i just put any pressure and i like it because we all know how good we feel after and you get that even when you have nothing you have nothing in your partner you can see that in her that you're like oh wow you're in

such a good mood my other thing about this is number one what it sounds like is very manipulative what he's doing first of all i don't like that i don't like that but number two encouraging someone to working encouraging someone to work out is much better than a lot of the other issues i've heard of like encouraging them to do drugs with you or encourage it like yeah of all the issues or of all the things to have an argument about if it were coming from i want you to be healthy that's great it doesn't sound like that is no and i think also like the idea is like there is no like rule book of what like healthy is like there are people who are like if you like go by standard stereotypical overweight who are significantly healthier have like fine cardiovascular health than people who

exercise every day like there is not there is no like like you can't look at somebody and how they look in their way and know if they're healthy or unhealthy like it completely depends person to person and i think if the argument and like i've had this conversation with moths before in the sense that i'm like i think you would really enjoy working out i was like and it's not about like how you look at all but like the endorphins for me as because he's got anxiety and i was like as somebody who has anxiety i was like i can't even tell you how fucking great it is it's like an hour of xanax and then for the rest of the day i'm like coasting on a high and so like that aspect of it i think is great but i'm also just not here for anyone wanting you to do something that you don't

like doing and if you don't want to do something and it doesn't like make you happy or do anything like that like you can't like i've had friends try to get me into working out and until i wanted to do it i didn't do it like i didn't get into it because i didn't feel like i was like pled i wasn't somebody else's intention it was like doing it for me but anyone who's like wanting you to do something that you don't want to do and it can like you can be happy forcing someone to do something that they don't want to do and you know that they're not enjoying it and you're like no i i'm happy that you are doing this even though you are unhappy that's such a selfish manipulative thing because you're getting pleasure out of something that you're watching your loved one

not enjoy and i think like if it was about the sense of like if you if it was coming from the aspect of like i think it would really like endorphins like help and all of that stuff but if you had that conversation once it's not his job to like pressure you to do anything like that and also it's even if he's not i think he's coming at it from the place of because you keep saying he's coming at it from the place of weight but like even if he wasn't like they're like media has taught women to be like so self-conscious of their bodies that like read the fucking room dude like even if you have good intentions like read the room hi megan um i'm 24 years old i'm a recent college graduate um had to move back home to save money and look for work um i'm actually in a two

year relationship and this is where i need your advice at um like i said we've been together for two years my boyfriend and I and we live apart we're two states away and he actually lived with me and my parents for probably three months this past summer so it's definitely been hard so the pressure is kind of on me to make a decision you know do I want to move to where he's at and if I can stay with my parents for as long as I can to save money I'm looking for a job he's in Chicago and then i'm in detroit so it's definitely not a commute we like doing a lot so i'm it's around like six six and a half hours for both of us to drive there and back um so it's definitely taken a toll on our relationship the last seven months and now all the pressure's on me on my side because

he just got a full-time job in um chicago area so i need your help because everyone i asked they're like oh do it you're young and you know whatever you like we trust him we trust you and you're you're very you know I'd like to say make good decisions in my life but this is one where I'm really struggling with because if I move there I pick up my whole life and I you know I live with his parents for a little bit we get a house and I don't know if I'm 100% ready to make this commitment without a ring on my finger we were friends for a year and a half before we even started dating so we were kind of like in the same friend group and we start off as friends and I think you know yes we could make it but I don't want to go there something happened then I

have to pick up my life and move back to Detroit um I think that's one of my biggest fears and like no one understands my fears whatsoever even my best friends are like just do it like you know you'll be fine but in the back of my mind I'm freaking out and I don't know what to do so you can help me that would be amazing um some advice would be perfect and I love listening your podcast with him every single week so what what are your thoughts uh it needs to percolate a second okay that's how i work that just i'm gonna percolate okay i'll take it away while you percolate that's a good word i should start using that more um here's what i will say i am in the same camp as i like see your point of view and i also see your friend's point of view as somebody

like we've said this before like regionally people don't get married young um in la and also where i grew up in general like none of my friends who are in their 20s are married none of that um so there's that like more non-traditional I guess part of me that is like move 100% go like do that you don't need a ring anything like that but I understand like your fear but I think like a ring a marriage an engagement or anything like that that doesn't that's really shouldn't change your relationship so much that you're afraid like security wise like you should be secure in your relationship a piece of metal and a fucking gemstone and a contract like if someone's gonna fuck someone else over it's gonna happen yeah and i think like even if it's like that

peace of mind here okay let me just say this sounds like a really fucked up worst case scenario thing but let's say like you wait till you get a ring you move you're there for a year he cheats on you and you're like oh my fucking god but if you go and you don't have this like built in you have obviously you have like a bit like him you get a house together you live together like it's your boyfriend like you have that built in but you're not moving for your husband so you you even if it's in the back of your mind and even though i don't think you should be insecure about your relationship at all i think there'll be a part of you that it's like i really need to make roots here that are my own too i need to have my friend group i need to have like a job like

all of the other things where you make a life for yourself there as well and it's not just i'm moving to be a wife i think like it's a great opportunity i think i know people who have moved to new cities for relationships and have broken up and like they've stayed in that city and they have made it work and they have really enjoyed it i just think like there is you can never be sure and 100 secure in anything at all at life at all you never know what's going to happen but and i think waiting for like a moment that's yeah you know i think my my point on this is the everything about this feels right that you're pondering this move and all these, but what feels wrong to me is the idea that, that, that commitment would make it better for you to

move. That's just not how I think. I totally agree with you in that sense where the relationship is the relationship. That's just the cherry on top. We need to have the foundation aside from, you know, that ring or that commitment. Like we should have a commitment. I mean, to me, yeah, boyfriend and girlfriend, it shouldn't be that big of a difference between husband and wife. Like, you know, I know every relationship is different, but that's the way I treat it. Right. On the other hand, aside from that, there's a lot more opportunities in general in Chicago than a place like Detroit. So another thing is for you going to school, having graduated, is there more of an opportunity for you to get work or push yourself instead of thinking purely the future of the relationship?

Let's think about you, too. And where is your career going to be best suited? suited? Where are you going to feel like you're going to have the best, um, course of action career wise. And also you're moving away from your family and it sounds like that would be the first thing. So that's something else to factor in. I mean, how old are your folks? These are all, it's, it's, it's a huge decision. And I am a little bit old fashioned in the way that I, I would struggle to move far away from my parents because I'm really close with my folks. And, uh, is great as a lot of places are. I mean, Southern California is great. I have nothing to complain

about, but, but I don't want to be far from my parents. I don't want to move far away from your parents either. They're amazing. They're great. So yeah, no. And I think it makes sense. I think you need to like figure out, just like you're saying, I think you need to figure out is the only thing in Chicago him, or are there other things that you want? Like is, or would you be leaving everything? Like, did you picture your life? Do you want to be in Detroit? Is that where you want to spend the rest? Is that where you want to raise kids? Is that where like you're like, is that where you want to put roots? And is that where you're at in your life that you're ready to pick a place to build roots yeah exactly and i i don't think like moving i i'm moving to a place

for a relationship like yes long distance relationships are like incredibly hard but you have to figure out what you want for your own life and a relationship isn't your entire life and like moths and i have said that before if it's like if i get a job somewhere that's like far away that like if i'm shooting nine months out of the year in canada or something like that or he gets a job somewhere else like we've had that conversation of being like okay we would take it like a year at a time but nobody's job takes priority over the other person's job in that aspect of being like no one's we're not gonna like get up and leave and one person's gonna have like nothing to do because the other one's doing this like both of your career even in even if you

don't want necessarily to be working if you want to be a mom which is also like a fucking full-time job yeah or even if you don't want to be a mom and you want to be your decision is the thing exactly and it needs to be what you want to do and it's it can't just be fully reliant on him regardless if there's a ring or not because even if there's a ring and you're moving to a city that you don't want to live in that you don't have like that you don't want to be in it doesn't that ring is not going to make you happy yeah it's like right now her life is in a lot of transition she just finished college she's looking for a job it's like figure out those other things if you might not if you find a job in another state not even um illinois or in um detroit where you are

um are you would you expect him to move for you it's just like figure out your own things first i was actually pretty much in this situation with maddie um i was out here and my girlfriend is from england and she was out there we matched on a dating app yeah you did and i had no intention of really anything serious with anyone on the app and uh we started talking we talked for like three months you were there the whole time i saw all the messages yeah legitimately we talked for three months and it got to the point where i was like well there's no total i'm not comparing this in the same sense to your um situation moving and all that but in the same sense there was no future in it and you know she came out and visited i went out and visited out there she had an opportunity

to come work out here so i was very lucky and she we were both very lucky that our relationship just seemed to work and the fact that she was able to get work out here so it all made sense it would not have happened if she was not able to get work out here and so i think that's really important because one if she moved out here for just me it would have failed already for sure yeah uh but the fact that she moved out here to push her life in a direction that was definitely better for her it just worked yeah so that's a big thing if you're gonna go out to chicago and there's no opportunity chicago if you're gonna go out to chicago he's in deep dish pizza uh and you don't really have a a promising sort of set of goals that are going to be achievable in chicago it's

just going to put so much more pressure on your relationship as well exactly so uh weigh in all those things and if you do go to chicago get giordano's pizza but also maybe you guys have live together for three months with your parents you also don't guys don't want to live together no that's the thing people do is it it is my parents would not they would uh they would they would beat the piss out of me if i even asked my fucking father if i could move some girl into his oh my god i would i would enjoy watching that conversation not not not throwing judgment i'm just saying my dad would not have it yeah and and my dad would make some point oh you the $4,500 rent.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I'm a good kid. You clean my shoes, boy. All right. Literally. But yeah, no, and I think,

yeah, you just, living together with, like, your parents and, like, for a small period of time, it's also not the same as living together. Like, I think relationships,

long-distance relationships, I've never done, and I say this because I think I've never really done a long-distance relationship, but, like. It sucks.

Yeah, but I think also there's a part of it. I've done two. Oh, you have done two. my very first girlfriend lived in florida i remember that yeah yeah i like to just just live dangerously just no but it does make sense for your personality though i don't know it does you know you get bored easily so that when you have to talk to a girl for a couple months then you realize you have feelings i've never quite figured it out i've had a couple long distance

you know what my mom actually said it right and she goes when you don't cloud your brain with all the physical all the sexual tension just in a more pg way no yeah you're totally right you're able to actually build a relationship if you can't sleep with them immediately then you're gonna like them more totally that's me too and it it's something that if i were ever single again in the future it would be something that that that would it it's totally changed the way i looked at things yeah for sure yeah i'm glad i'm not but but do you know what i mean like no no you're right yeah yeah yeah i just think you you also you want to spend time together like i know a lot of a lot of my friends who did long-distance relationships when they finally like both were in

the same city if it was like after college or something like that it was kind of like oh our relationship isn't like what they thought it was like some people just work better long distance so i don't think you should make any commitments to like i mean we're even saying that we don't think marriage like marriage in that sense is going to be like something that's like very comforting like in like it's not going to mean that much something that's like so different but i don't want you to like make any decisions like that until i don't know like until you guys have like actually lived together and done all that because like maybe you hate living with him maybe he's the worst person ever to live with and then like what have you guys grow up and get

mature yeah like i don't know i think it's also fun to enjoy new aspects of it but i hope that hopefully maybe a little bit i always wonder if they listen and they're like what the fuck are these people saying what is she what are they doing she's not even addressing what i just told her i mean sometimes we focus on like stuff that's not as and then people like like sometimes you're halfway through you're like oh we haven't talked yeah let me get advice now should we go on to the next hi my name is melissa and guest so i have kind of an issue with the ex-girlfriend of my boyfriend so it's been an issue for a couple of months now she's been low-key stalking us so she started messaging him and he blocked her on many different social media we even got an

argument when he lied to me about talking to her because he knew it really bothered me that she was constantly messaging him and it wasn't normal conversation it was about how she missed him and her boyfriend right now wasn't making her as happy as my boyfriend used to and so it's kind of a tricky situation and i really know what to do but so she um so she keeps contacting him after he blocks her number she got a private number I don't know how she did that actually but she got a private number and I don't know how it is in the U.S. but here in the Netherlands you cannot block a private number so she keeps calling him constantly and telling him that she misses him and that her boyfriend isn't treating her as well as my boyfriend used

to i don't know a lot of things that a girlfriend doesn't want to hear about the extra relationship of her boyfriend so it may be really uncomfortable and my boyfriend was trying to console me and telling uh his ex-girlfriend that that he didn't want to speak to her and that he was happy with me but his girlfriend i mean ex-girlfriend okay didn't uh doesn't want to give up so she started calling him and he got a new number um so she wouldn't know his number anymore but now he i mean she is calling his home number so his mom and dad's a home number and that is i mean that's really weird at least i find it really weird i would never call my ex-boyfriend's dad mom and dad to speak to him so i don't know what to do exactly because i know like the police

cannot do anything about it because we cannot press charges because it's not actually stalking because she's not physically here but she keeps like bothering us and it's really making me upset because my boyfriend doesn't really react the way i want him to react and i don't know if that's just me but sometimes when i tell him like give me the phone i will talk to her and just tell her like basically like fuck off but he's like no don't do that like i don't want to hurt her feelings and i mean he's a good guy but for me it's just like okay it's now and you should just say like get the fuck of my life out of my life and leave me alone and that's a clear message because the times he has said it is like oh i'm sorry i don't want to speak to you again please

leave me alone but i don't know if he's being too nice and she doesn't really get the hint so please help me i don't really know what to do thanks i love your podcast by the way sorry for my accent i'm dutch i don't know if i mentioned that okay bye wow i want to applaud your strength because would i have curb stomped this months ago oh yes i would have showed up at her door i would have lost my goddamn mind yeah feel i feel as if that's appropriate as well yeah totally you would have you might think my thing about this is um it to me sounds like you have a a boyfriend that's too nice um it sounds like he's trying to make everybody happy which in a situation like this somebody is going to walk away upset and i'm going to repeat exactly

what i said which is you sometimes you got to hike your nuts up and spit in somebody's face yeah that's exactly what sounds like needs to happen i mean um you can't be nice to certain people just need to understand that there are boundaries and you can't cross them and there are consequences if you don't if you cross them like slashing tires and you know bitch slapping as soon as they open the door i'm not saying do that but but i'm saying that i have seen that on people you know molotov cocktails yeah oh my middle school a kid almost blew up our school what's under this um here's what and you said so you said something when the call was happening was that he's definitely not shutting her down totally yeah from what she's saying he he'll

shut her down but then he'll be nice to her because he i don't know i don't it doesn't sound like there's malicious intent for him it doesn't sound like he's he's interested in her again to me it doesn't sound like that it just sounds like he's a nice guy and he's trying to be nice which i i have suffered from and i have very over the last couple years realized that it is uh-huh fantastically okay to have someone not like you yep and i've actually come to enjoy it sometimes sometimes it feels validated and also in the sense that like these two you as a girl i'm going to speak as i'm as if i'm speaking to him these two women in your life served not the exact same purpose but they are the same relationship so you cannot have both being

happy because you can only have one girlfriend unless you're trying to do polygamy which it doesn't sound like you're trying to do so the idea that you would have an ex-girlfriend who clearly wants to get back with you happy with you the only way to make her happy is to get back together with her but you already have a girlfriend that you're happy with like there is a line that like drawing of like being nice to exes and friendly and all of that that it is just it's a not fair for your new partner to be put in the girl you calling like you're it's clearly not fair and his idea it is this nice guy syndrome where it's like i can't have someone not be happy with me and i've seen this before it's like i'm like okay well if you want to be like the nice guy

just know like in my friends who also do this like friends female friends like know that like I will be mad. Like someone's, you're like, I want everyone to like, I want to, I don't want to piss off anybody. I'm like, if you don't figure this out, I will be the one who's pissed off. So like the person, the person that you should try and prevent hurting is the person you're in a relationship with. You have broken up with this girl. You guys are not together anymore. Like that's what he should be doing. But I think on your end, you need to have a conversation with your boyfriend because I think that's what he's suffering from is like, he needs everybody to like him. When in reality, if you break up with somebody, they're not going to like you. Or if

someone is not happy in their relationship like the only way that he is going to achieve her being happy is at the expense of you so he's not gonna get what he wants which is to piss nobody off like he's going to piss off somebody so does he want that to be you or her like i um i i i said before i i had to learn this and it was misconstrued with girls that i've been with in the past that I was trying to keep my options open by being nice to people, but I really did not. Exactly. I didn't want people to have a sour taste in their mouth about something that happened or just, I didn't want people to not like me. And I had to get okay with people not liking me. And it was a big step for me. It's happened in the last couple of years. And it was a really nice moment

where it was literally a switch. And I went, wow, it's okay if someone doesn't like you. it's totally fine nothing's going to change and also when you realize that certain aspects like there are only certain things that people they conditionally want something from you and if you're like i can't give that to you it's like well then i don't like you then it's like well i can't i don't like you yeah then it's like well you know what then you don't actually really you're caring so much more about other people and their feelings and they're caring about you because it's like unless you can do this then i'm pissed but it's like that's not what anyone else is asking from the situation i think what you should do i think you should have a conversation

sit down have a conversation with you your boyfriend and his parents yes and i think you need to have this as because i think like wait wait you your boyfriend and his parents and i think you need to all get on the same page because i think like there is whether your boyfriend is downplaying it to his parents and it's like oh or they're not thinking it's weird or maybe they're thinking it's incredibly weird but he's downplaying it so then they're not wanting to pressure and be like oh you really should change our number when they see that you are also incredibly upset about this as you should be you guys need to have a plan of action and being like okay so we're going to change the home phone number yes this sucks all of blah blah blah

all of these different things do that and then you need to he needs to not engage and respond at all like at all yeah and that's what the issue is it's like even kind of response and even even aggressively rude responses being like i'm not going to answer this why don't you just fucking answered so people like that they're not or even like like even being rude to the person it doesn't matter they get blinders on and they just see i got the notification they responded they care and it's complete blinders that they don't does not matter what the fuck you say to people like that engaging it that's all it all means the same thing it could be like i love you it's the exact same thing as stop i hate you don't talk to me anymore exactly engaging means you care enough

to write back yeah and that's like a like a sliver of hope that she's holding on she can't do it forever there's she she's not that crazy she does she does and maybe he knows that and he's trying not to be nice not yeah but that's just enabling her i was gonna say you can't be an enabler you gotta let people get rocked and i think you guys need to all be on the same page because it also helps you guys will all hold each other accountable for it and then you also sit down and talk about what the next plan of action is if she keeps calling again the fucking call go to your local police precinct and be like we can't get a restraining order because she's not technically stalking us but let us know what we legally our legal rights are and what we should or even what

we should do in this situation like next time she shows up at the door you take your clogs off hey don't speak about my people like that my i also have clogs and they're very large are they comfortable no the ones i have are wooden they're just wood they're wood i mean it's essentially just crocs like that's what they end up being i think we appropriately answered that one and think we all agreed on exactly what the course of action should be. Yeah. And I'm not saying threaten her and show up at her house at all.

But I think... Don't curb stomp her. No, no. I'm by no means encouraging violence at all because, number one, that would not also solve the situation. No, she would actually make it worse and it would come back on you instead of her. You gotta shut it down. Yeah, gotta shut it down and also your boyfriend

needs to learn this lesson and I think if he's got his parents there who are adults, also being like this is not normal this is not okay he needs to figure that shit out because it's also um yeah it's not fair to you in a relationship plot twist they like her and yeah don't fucking say that was my other thoughts they actually like her better than they like the current girlfriend honey jamie just called it's great you should talk to her also hey worst worst case scenario send all this shit to her boyfriend nah they're dutch if if you had a jewish mother i'd be like

Yeah you gotta watch out for that She's not Jewish So you're fine No but I'm saying Send it to a boyfriend I'm saying that because I have a Jewish mother That's why I can say that

What? But like she's a boyfriend The girl who His ex-girlfriend Yeah yeah no Yeah I got you It's all So she says

Oh true Oh the plot thickens Oh yeah She might not even exist It's like Fight Club It's just him Sending messages to himself He's just like

Feeling really He just wants his girlfriend To get jealous And he's like It's gone way too far And he's like Shit I don't know How to take this back

Dude babe I just saw her outside I told her to fuck i'm in over my head can you imagine having to like i did this i'm sorry i just thought it was gonna be funny that's i would be so mad when you keep the bit going on for too long yeah okay guys we're going to quick break and we will be back okay guys we're back from our break and we're gonna go into the rest of the couch that was how mott's brain said

hey megan and the don't blame me podcast i am 24 years old i'm falling about a predicament with my father. Um, long story, semi short. My dad met this lady online from Canada, super quick, married her super duper quick. Like never knew he was dating her. Then all of a sudden she was, he was married and, uh, yeah, they live in Kansas. And so this lady started ruining my dad's life. Uh, she stole his identity. She did drugs. She cheated on him. She was overall a terrible person. I ended up not talking to my dad for about two years because of it. She died a couple of years back, a year and a half ago.

And I ended up talking to my dad again and we're on good terms now. And I don't... For Christmas, I bought him a voucher to come and visit me in California. And he hasn't picked a day or a time because I don't know. And I'm very nervous about seeing my father again. Do you guys have any tips on how to deal with that? Yeah, I don't really know what to do because my stepmom was a mega bitch. Anyone that steals their spouse's identity is obviously trash.

Any advice, anything to help? Thanks, bye. Wow. First of all, not everyone who steals people's identity is trash. Thank you very much. just kidding I also want to know your sign

really bad because like I just I felt fire yeah I felt some fire I like her some people have

messaged and told us what their signs were I need to go back and read it I like her a lot I like her too I like her her casual

sarcastic sense of humor regarding a very tragic situation yeah that came as a shock I love it it was probably

one of the quickest calls we've had with the most information and like the most dramatic take note guys This is how you do it. Then she died.

And she has a sense of humor. I mean, she's like, well, this happened, and then he ran off with this person. That's me in my therapy session. I'm like, well, then this happened. She died. Wow. Okay. Well, props to you.

Sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot. And that's not an easy situation. My God. I mean, how can you possibly comment on something that's so obscure and difficult to deal with? But, yeah. yeah, of course you're nervous to see your father. I would be too. I would, I would be feeling all of those feelings. I would feel excited and I'd feel scared and I'd feel probably a little bit angry. And I'm sure that there's some resentment there still for the

decision that he's, that he's made. But my advice with parents is, is, is, is it echoes my own experience because I, I care very deeply about my parents and I've been very lucky with my parents. And I, I also understand that other people have not sometimes, but, uh, you do only have one set of parents. So my goal with that is to always encourage people to, Hey, do your best to, uh, make it as good as you can make it as good as they will allow you to, and try not to hold anything past that because there, there probably will be a day where you go, you know what? I wish I would've said that instead of saying, Hey, you know what?

Now that they're gone, I wish I would've said that. How about you say, yep, I said it and it didn't work out. i would rather that be the outcome of hey i said what i wanted to say they didn't echo those feelings back it is what it is and i guarantee you'll feel a lot better uh with that situation rather than i should have said that yeah i i'm i'm very much in agreement with that i think like there are i mean we've talked about this and it's like just very typical of the idea of like when you get older and you realize that your parents are human and like they make mistakes and they do stupid shit um and as you become an adult and you really like you foster your life and you have

you not necessarily you would get to like your pick of jobs but like you have a career path that you've chosen like you have friends that you've chosen like you have all of these things that you've elected to have in your life that you've sought out that like you have basically handpicked and your parents are the only thing that you haven't handpicked and so as you get older there might be like it's the same kind of reason when you have like childhood friends and then you get older and you're like we don't have that much in common like i don't know about you i handpicked my little penis so there are certain things with your parents that like there are things that like you might not align beliefs on stop laughing when he's fake but do you know what i mean i just love

that i got melissa yeah she lost it but like you can't pick everything and so there are sometimes it's like the same thing with like your parents don't have the same belief system as you i don't think that it's your responsibility and your job to cater to everybody else's comfort level when it comes to just life i mean in like let's like not sexually assault people like let's like talk about that comfort but i just mean like in everybody else i don't think you should need to like dull down your personality or your beliefs or anything else to appease people who aren't doing the same for you and that being said i think yes you're going to be incredibly nervous to see him um i think you need this sounds fucked up i think you just keep your

expectations low that's been the greatest thing that i've done in adult life and everything you have to manage manage expectations and kind of fluff your encounters with him with things that are going to make you feel better and safe and secure if you have if you're in a relationship or you have like a friend that you're like hey let's all like maybe it takes a pressure off of you and being like hey like let's all go to lunch let's do this aspect of it i think having him come into town to like see you it does put a lot of like pressure on that and he might also be feeling that pressure um but i think like you're more than welcome to and you have my permission to lay into him for what he like i guarantee he doesn't feel good about his situation yeah but

Hopefully he understands the gravity of what's happened and where he went wrong. But you have to be a little bit of a fucking idiot to get deep into that. Based on her personality, I feel like she has told him. I feel like there's been a conversation. Also, she said she was in California. If you need some company,

whenever you guys are grabbing dinner, you just want some people to, no, just sit and listen, because I'd love to interview the guy. I would love to just chat. You should have him on. Don't blame him. Don't give people advice.

Can you imagine? No, how to not get your identity stolen. yeah no but i mean i think like you just uh it sucks to say like you need to manage expectations because i think um you want people to like live up to especially like as a kid like if he was a really great dad when you were a kid you want him to live up to that and when they make mistakes i don't i think you need to remember those mistakes and those things and be like this could happen again and i think for me um when it comes to family and everything like that for me personally, uh, not to get too deep into it because you can read in my book, but the things

that were the hardest for me were things when I, I didn't listen to my ex, like I didn't manage my expectations and I had what I wanted to be true versus what was actually happening and what really was true. And it took like my friends, it took, uh, my relationship of people being like, let's like, look at like the series of your life and look at these habits and things like that. Like this idea of what you really want that hasn't happened. And I don't think that one day it's gonna wake up and happen and if that's what you if you can't deal with that and that's the only thing that you want then like walk away from the situation but at a certain point like manage your expectations and see this is the like this is the history it's probably gonna happen this is

probably what the relationship's gonna be and then just know that that's what's gonna be into it because you're not going to be disappointed by that that's gonna be what you expect out of it yeah i think he just he's just feeling nervous because he knows he got duped yeah and he knows that and like you said her personality was that she probably told him that he was being an idiot yeah and so he kind of feels stupid and he's just trying to figure out how to go to the next step but yeah no and also maybe maybe if you really i keep like picking all these different stances if you have what you have with him like where your relationship stands and that but like maybe if you're annoyed that he hasn't uh made the effort to like actually plan the trip just tell

him be like hey you know i think it was really fucking dumb and you're an idiot but you're still my dad and like i'm not gonna read like go into too hard for this so like let's just fucking come visit like that i can come to you if you don't want to if you can't come here i can come to you yeah tell him to get off the dating sites yeah stay off craigslist hi i just want to start off that i am 26 years old and i've been with my boyfriend for five years we're going on six this year hopefully all things end well um i am calling because i have a question about threesomes um me and my boyfriend we talked about it we kind of want to spice up our sex life together and you know we both were kind of curious about threesomes he's never had one

i've never had one like even when i watch porn i like watching threesomes like i just don't know I just have this like interest in it but I'm just not 100 committed to it only because I am scared that's gonna change our relationship and I don't I'm scared that it's gonna make it weird and I like what if I don't like it and I I'm a jealous person so I just think I wouldn't even I think I would be really jealous but then at the same time I want to try it so I just wouldn't know you know how to go about it and you know we would joke around like oh yeah like we'll have one next year like for new year's eve goals but we just never go through with it because I just I'm not 100% serious and one thing that I could add is my boyfriend doesn't know is I've slept with a girl

before and I've never told him that and I'm not I find girls attractive but I'm not like I don't know i don't consider myself gay or bi because i would never date a girl i would hook up with one and that's probably it but i've only hooked up with one girl so i just don't know how i feel about doing it with my boyfriend and just some random girl um let me know what you guys think thank you bye she should have a conversation with the girl that called a couple weeks ago who sent me a dm and she didn't have a private profile and i just got to stalk her and figure about who she had a threesome with i love it when you guys send me really explicit dms and you're like this was me this is the story and then you don't have private profiles and then i get to

stalk everyone no i'm not i'm not even being facetious like i really like i'm here for that kind of pride i would enjoy that absolutely yeah um wow i think there's a lot of layers to this um you're a really jealous person i'm gonna address the first layer okay go ahead why do you feel the need to spice it up like you're saying uh i want to take it sort of to the next level but then at the same time you're like i'm jealous i don't want it to change things so what what what's lacking is it you know like i would figure out what's lacking what's where is this desire coming from because i think she just i think there's a good way to make that i think that threesomes can be healthy if both people are secure enough but it doesn't actually sound

like that to me i think she's curious because she watches threesome porn and she's into that and she slept with a girl and she could be into that sexually and he ain't gonna say no and I think it's curiosity and I think that I think it turns you on and it's curiosity and I think like and I think the issue with that there is that makes total sense why

you're like but what if when it happens I'm not into it that makes complete sense probably would happen most likely I think unless it's the right person that's the other thing is like there's this weird thing I can't speak from experience because I've never been in this specific situation of like hey I want to spice relationship how do we

bring someone else into this but from what i hear and i know a lot of people that have it is there is something to the right person like it's not just going to be some random person like you have to find the person that you are not threatened by you're both attracted to and so uh i've i've talked to a lot of my friends who have been in this specific situation and there were moments where they're like ah this is the moment or this is the person or this is like it wasn't too difficult to make happen yeah maybe you haven't met the girl that you want to bring into a relationship for that but i think what you need to do is i think you need to like take no offense to your boyfriend take his desires and him wanting to do this out of the picture and weigh side by

side your sexual attraction and like how much of a turn on this is for you and how sexually satisfying this could be for you and how much your jealousy is because if your jealousy outweighs that if you think about the second word then yeah and that's what i think it is i think you have to like manage manage expectations because like in theory it could maybe maybe when you think about it in theory like i think it's really hot like watching uh a guy go down when you're watching porn like watching a guy go down a girl watching like there'll be two girls go down on each other all of that but like if you picture that is your boyfriend and that is you and another girl are you into that are you into the idea of your boyfriend be are you okay with your boyfriend

being with this girl as you're there or is it the idea of oh i would be down to be with a girl and be with my boyfriend but not them be with each other because like you can't really then you're in a situation where everybody's naked and like then you're like everyone's pleasuring you yeah which my leo ass is like fuck yeah but like i would never have a threesome for the act like the reason that the other girl would not survive like she would i would kill her you know and so i think you need to weigh that like is your jealousy are you are you really jealous in um like is your jealousy in your relationship or that you you refer to yourself as jealous person is that when you feel like like threatened by someone like you're gonna be replaced is it

a romantic thing is it like is or is it the idea that you think that you should be jealous in this situation you might not be like are you jealous you don't have control but this you'd have control so i think you need to figure that out i got no problem with that are you trying no i'm not asking leo's being like we write this down maddie jealousy is anybody jealous nope super job nope think about what you do yep good yeah pass i would oh my god i wouldn't i wouldn't be able to do it but i think yeah i think i do i've never had a threesome um i i would assume it might change your relationship um from people i know who have had threesomes it i don't know anyone who had a good threesome once and then never had another one like if it was a weird that no one

ended up enjoying it they only did it once but if it was an enjoyable thing it was something that happened more regularly yeah um and i don't know if that makes you jealous like the idea that it wouldn't just be like a one-time thing um but i think you need to like i mean i'm all for like pleasuring your partner but i think like in this instance like you need to take him out of the picture and figure out what you really want without like yeah his opinions weighing on it Maybe spice it up by bringing another guy in. That was honestly what I was like. That was immediately, I was like, just have two dudes.

He might not like that. I feel like I would do that. I would do, yeah, I wouldn't do it. Yeah, I think that'd be fun. Me too. I also love tension. You know, I've never pictured that kind of tension. That would be weird for me.

Being in a room, like threesome, me and another guy and a girl. There would be like this macho energy, like who's going to be like this? that is what is hot is guys fighting over you and I'm just laying there I'm not fighting just fucking swinging dicks fighting while I fight each other

just clear you and a dick dicks hit each other that's hot yeah I'm wearing a crown in my recent idea I'm wearing

I have a throne and a crown and a cape and no gloves have you ever seen an Indian like a Hindu wedding or is it an Indian wedding

where they come in on the jewel that's what I watched in gold with the piercings I'm gonna go back home and be like hey babe I have an idea but yeah i think you gotta i think you gotta figure out what you really want in the situation

also i will say too um you can be into something porn wise and be really attracted to it and not necessarily be attracted to it as it's like real life exactly because you're also the angles you're watching stuff happen and you're seeing everything you're not when you're doing it yourself not really seeing everything the big picture so i would think about it in that sense too um and i would also say though if you're worried about like the you you mentioned that you've been with a girl before first of all you don't have to define your sexuality at any point i don't like at all spectrum yeah you might be into sex but not really yeah and i don't think there's anything wrong like nothing wrong with any of it you don't have to define or anything

like that don't feel like you need to but i would also say you also i don't think that that um is an important detail that he needs to know and he's also like if you're thinking like oh my god well, what if he like watches you with a girl and he's gonna be like, she's done this before. He would be on just cloud nine. He's not even thinking about like, wow, she seems good at this. I feel like she's done this before.

How dare you have done this before? Yeah. Stop what you're doing and talk to me. Also, if I told Mott that I had slept with a girl, he'd be like, what, is it? Like in like the happiest, most excited way in the entire world. Like he makes a cup of tea.

Will you tell me the story? Will you tell me, every night it's a bedtime story. Mott, open your eyes. No, no, no, no, I'm not closing my eyes. Yeah, it would literally be it. Do it again, do it again. Yeah, 100%. Slower this time.

So I wouldn't be worried about it on your end. No, I wouldn't either. I mean, I don't want to sum your boyfriend up into a category, but I think he'd be okay. Yeah, we'd totally be okay with it. That's literally 99% of Mott's is like, would you rathers? It would be like, ends up with me being with a girl. I'm like, babe, no.

And I'm like, do you want me to break up with you? Why is that? And be with a girl instead? Why is that a thing? I try to think about that often. like why is it so attractive as like for me a hetero guy to watch two girls go at it why because i mean if you break it down to i mean it doesn't seem like it would be something that is that attractive girls are more girls do you know what i mean like is it is it the primal thing of like

more women more power is it like that kind of do you want to watch if you're if you're defining yourself as like an incredibly heterosexual man like the guy in the picture like you're if you're watching porn you're not like wow that guy like look at those biceps like those are great like you're paying attention to the girl you don't know me no but i'm saying i'm saying if the argument is as like a heterosexual like man who's not attracted to men uh or is not aroused by men in general like in porn you're then paying attention to the women so then more women is more women you know i mean more women is always better exactly there you go but also like girls can get off girls who define themselves as being heterosexual could also get off on girls because you're watching girls get

off which is a hot thing because you are also a girl i think that's typically sure yeah but yeah i mean yeah that doesn't i mean for me the other way around doesn't translate like two guys going at it watching guys get off does not be like yeah because i could be that guy that's not it's not it doesn't yeah exactly you're thinking about like the girl yeah according to this article from the atlantic yeah um men or straight men are into lesbian porn because um they're aroused by visual cues that emphasize youth and downplay drama and emotional complexity lesbian porn therefore works for straight men by doubling up those visual stimuli i'm sorry one more time for the class i need that one more time okay again all right but to the extent that lesbian erotica is popular

It can be explained by the fact that men are most aroused by visual cues that emphasize youth and downplay drama and emotional complexity. Lesbian porn, therefore, works for straight men by doubling up those visual stimuli. I get it. It's like, ooh, this is scary. It's like relationship. Speaking. No. Impregnation.

Too much. I can't. My brain. Just show me more boobs. Yeah, exactly. She likes me. She wants relationship. how do i tell her that i want to still back off less words more boobs yeah that's not no not funny

that's that's not no that's so funny that's wild that is that's a great i'm really glad you brought that article yeah i'll put in the show notes good deal wow men are simple creatures oh we it blows me away every day i just walk down this channel i am so simple i mean it's so I feel like you said that in the last podcast but I mean that bliss is amazing you give me any fucking attention and I go oh yeah attention great

you're a golden retriever I am absolutely a Labrador a golden retriever like Mr. Peanut Butter looks at me as I walk by I feel good wow I'm happy now this is great I'm so uncomplex

it's so funny I love it women are like ugh don't look at me No, but I would be the same way. So I went to a gay bar for the first time in my life a couple weeks ago. It was called Flaming Saddles in West Hollywood. I feel like you'd be a hot piece of meat in there. I understood exactly. Understood.

You're going to jump on me for saying that. Well, no, you just caught yourself. Well, but I totally empathized with the idea of a woman walking into a bar with a bunch of guys and everyone goes and looks at her. And I was like, this is fucking uncomfortable. I don't like this at all. Well, no, I think it's a great. It's not good. But that you can recognize that because there are so many like straight dudes who they're

like, well, don't, no, I don't want any guys looking at me. But then in return, don't think that that's anything like women because it's like, but no, but women are into my dick. But like, they're into me. Yeah. But like, no, you're my mom. I was talking about this with my mom a while back. She's like, do you understand what it's like to, when you smile at someone, guys take that

as like, you want to fuck me up. It's like, I took my pants down. Yeah, because I was trying to ask her why she was standoffish to a lot of people. My mom was just a really standoffish person. Very strong woman. Like, awesome. I love her. But she's just got a wall up, right?

And I was trying to figure out why. And she's like, you don't understand. You don't understand, dude. And I was like, wow, that makes sense. I mean, I get it. She's like, anytime. I even make eye contact with a guy. He's like, oh, yeah, hey, how you doing?

It's an invitation. It's an IOU. It's like, oh, I've looked at you, therefore I owe you. So I try to do the opposite thing. Like, I try to not look at girls. if i was flirting like i would not look at you yeah and then like maybe i'd say one thing and you know and then just leave yeah it's like it's also an experiment i try to do that sometimes so i'm like if i just walk away right now mid-conversation what is that gonna do to you

and i just walk away later on he knows he knows how it works yeah oh hey yeah oh we met yeah okay guys um now it's time for don't blame them and this is where people listeners call in and give their own advice and experience um with calls that we've had so if someone called and was like hey i had a threesome this is blah blah blah so people are giving their own advice all right so this is from episode 315 it was an episode fuck off dude i can't wait oh my gosh it was an episode with me and megan so um this guy he was he separated from his husband and he started dating someone else and um the other guy was standoffish um not really wanting the other guy the guy that he's dating um wasn't ready to commit and so this is someone calling in with similar experience

okay hi i am 23 years old i am calling in response to the latest episode with melissa about the guy who is separated and he's seeing somebody else and the guy that other guy is telling him that he's not ready for anything serious okay so I was kind of in the same situation except I was not the caller I was the guy he was talking about and I started seeing my current boyfriend and and I kept telling him like I'm not ready for anything serious I'm not ready for anything serious but like I just got so wrapped up in my emotions and like my feelings about him that I kind of was just like oh well like it can't be that bad you know and like I hate to say that I'm regretting it but like I am in the process of like trying to break up with him because like

I wasn't ready for something serious and I really shouldn't have agreed to something and I should have just stuck to my guns and so like it really sucks knowing that like I'm gonna hurt him and like there's really no other reason I'm breaking up with him other than just like I just don't want to be in a relationship and so like I think maybe I would say just like save yourself from the heartbreak because like if he says that he's not ready like he's not ready and like I think that should just be respected and like as much as it sucks for you like there are so many people out there to be with and like there's so many other options and like you are getting separated like maybe it's just time to take some time for yourself so that's all I have to say about that

I'm so sorry I probably sound like a total asshole but like you know I've heard somebody say this before like if somebody shows you who they really are like just trust them and like I should have trusted myself and like I should have just respected my own boundaries but and so I think that maybe you should show him the same respect and if he's not ready he's not ready and I think it's maybe just time to move on so that's all in that have a great day love you guys goodbye I really fucking hope your boyfriend does not listen to this podcast not that he would but like damn girl maybe not that i'm judging you but maybe maybe you should have called after you broke up wow that just gave me like anxiety though whatever we all do stupid stuff you know she called she

called a month ago so did you guys break up they're probably done no but i think i think i think it's a valid um i think it's totally yeah you can't trust that saying i'm not ready for a relationship you can't trust it because i don't i don't buy that i'm not ready for a relationship because that's not a legitimate reason get like i figure out exactly what you're feeling because i feel as if that is a blanket statement that takes care of a lot of things and people just use that as a as a statement oh well yeah as a precursor or people just don't want to figure out what they're feeling so they say i'm not ready for a relationship or they know and they're just not cluing the other person in or how about this hey i don't want a relationship because i like having sex with other

people or i like dating right now or i'm focusing on my career right now to want to be with you but i don't i i also think that like if you don't want a relationship it doesn't matter how great like the person is because you don't want a relationship for exactly what you're saying there's a reason like it's you you enjoy sleeping around but then that's but then you know they get to another person and it's it's totally changed so i i think that i i mean my my parents my mom said i do not want to date you i'm not attracted to you and my dad but that's different being attracted and like persistence and all that because when moths and i first started dating i really wasn't sure if i was into him, but he was so persistent that like over the course of him being persistent, I was

like, no, yeah, I think I really am into you. But I think when it comes to get right in the sense that like the idea, like I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't think it's a fair statement to make because it does encompass a bunch of things. And also if you say that to somebody immediately, what like a lot of people reactions are is like, I can show you differently. But if what you're saying is I'm not ready for a relationship right now, I'm really focusing on my work and I'm going to be working really late. And I also don't have a desire to have a relationship desire to pursue it and make the time yeah then it's like oh okay then there's nothing i can do to change that or being like i like to sleep with multiple people or like any

any anything about that like i yeah i think you're right in the sense people need to be more specific what that is because we think that we can change that we're in such a non-committal area la blows me away with dating where that becomes a norm of saying i'm not ready for a relationship you say it purely to let the other person know that you're not that into them you're into them enough to want to have sex with them and sleep with them but then you don't want to pursue it any farther so you say that and then you keep dating until you find someone that it changed like but la is a specifically weird place for that this person i can never do that specifically where they are based on their area code but they're in the south yeah oh yeah i'm just saying that that's common

out here i'm not saying she is but i think it's also like i i've said before like no i'm not i'm not ready for a relationship i'm not looking for a relationship and i said that when people would ask me out not on a date like I wouldn't say that on a date because I'm like no I'm actively not dating because I'm not ready for that but then I think there's also I think a lot of people have a really hard time with the judgment of being like I'm just looking for something casual which is like I'm just looking to have sex and I think like that should be an okay statement to make because theme of the episode managing expectations like that's the whole thing if you don't want to you don't want to say that to therefore like have someone like not be into you but I'm like but

you're gonna do that anyway and they're if they're if there's a risk and they're not gonna be into it like just not telling them doesn't mean that that's not gonna yeah you're just not letting them know what they're in for i understand that we weren't supposed to give advice on that but i'm gonna get one we always do i realize also that my opinion of that is based on myself which is even though when i was single when i would casually date and be you know hooking up with people i would not do it with multiple people multiple people at once that's not really how my brain works like i was very systematic like i would not be able to go two or three girls at once like i would have to go okay this is not gonna go any farther i would have to move on

that's just how my brain works you'd have to end it with them in a very nice way and then they wouldn't hate you yeah it was time it was oh i remember i remember the time look how do i do this uh hopefully you enjoyed this episode um leo thanks for being on i appreciate you guys having me on i really really enjoy doing this podcast we love having you come on all the time whenever you want i do want to do this again i want to be your i want to get a plaque you want a plaque that don't blame me most most what if it's a sash like a podcast and then you wear it every time a podcasty would you be a podcasty i'm a podcaster oh yeah podcaster podcasty sure or i'm the podcaster too but i think the podcasty would be the one that's listening yeah like um that makes

right in and tell us so where can people follow you who is Leo I've cancelled all of my social medias I don't believe it I don't believe it it's all a facade it's the government it's the Illuminati coming down so Leo's not going to plug his stuff I have an Instagram

I never remember which one's which yeah it's not that interesting who is Leo is my Instagram but I don't use Twitter I did like that ironic thing but you didn't do it I don't want in 10 years to go down the road someone's like you said some fucked up shit yeah of course i did because i'm done but that's what i do say it i say it all the time which is why i wanted to do a podcast myself but i said no way

because if i do a podcast especially if it's me just rambling and i'm in control of rambling yeah horrible thing no yeah straight white guys shouldn't have microphones um without anybody else like watching them yeah i disagree with you no everybody needs like that female friend to be like oh i feel like no yeah yeah yeah i think you have a great podcast though um you and melvin can start one oh no that would be bad can you imagine that would be the most interesting podcast i feel like you guys would be number one i think you would i know so many people that are so interesting i was like i want to do it yeah but then part of me is just like why yeah i just come in that's Just be a regular picture on ours.

Anything else you want people to plug? Do you know Freakish is now on iTunes? I did know that actually. Do you have to pay for it instead of just watching it? I'm not going to plug my own stuff. I just want everyone to be encouraged to live a good life. Feel good about you. I get everyone rolling their eyes.

I don't know why. It's a good message. Everyone in this whole room is rolling their eyes like they don't fucking like happiness. oh god there's gonna be one girl who's watching who's really earnest and doesn't know that like we're friends they're like they're so mean to that boy i can't he's so sweet and they're so mean to him no he just wants us to live a happy life i do i do want everyone to live a happy life i do want people to be happy um if you guys uh enjoyed this episode make sure to leave us a review on the podcast app and if you are watching it go listen to it and if you are listening to it

go watch it it's on youtube too and if you guys want to be a part of an upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and if you're an international listener you can leave us an audio message email it to us at meganpodcasts at gmail.com our socials will be listed down below too and um if you guys aren't uh subscribed to us on stitcher yet guys we do bonus apps and they're a good time so good we just debunked a bunch of myths about penises or maybe that's we recorded it so who knows when that will be up it'll be up after this yeah so if you guys want to hear some penis myths one of them involves breaking dicks so i'm gonna say which we've talked about we've talked about it yeah yeah we figured out what positions break dicks most often oof yep i don't

i want to be a part of that conversation right okay we'll talk to you guys next week bye guys don't blame me as a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network