Don't Blame Me! - S3E23: Guest: Alexis G. Zall - Intrigued by an Open Relationship

Episode Date: May 6, 2019

Alexis G. Zall is here again to share her advice! This week we’re answering your questions on getting your sexual confidence back after ending a long term relationship, trusting your boyfriend who overshares, being judged for dating your boss, and what to do if your fiance decides he wants to stop having sex before marriage. In Don’t Blame Them, a therapist shares how to give constructive feedback to your therapist. Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks/ @alexisgzall www.instagram.com/alexisgzall @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by The Real Real, Betterhelp, and Third Love Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

okay everybody we're gonna start with a round of applause every time we're doing oh i didn't clap i was like i'll just take a minute you're like this applause is for me it's for me i'm a leo i need attention constantly um hello everybody and welcome back to the podcast um this is don't blame me if you're new here but guess who's not new here alexis g's all it's me i'm back you are back back back back again again again i'm gonna say shady's back well you can be shady i mean i'm like i meant slim shady i mean who knows maybe i can be shady you don't know i can be shady i'm intentionally shady well shady i guess is intent isn't it's and 10 i guess so do you have like when you think of you being shady does a specific thing come to

mind that you've done like recently countless things come to mind that i've done in the last like 48 hours i'm just yeah i'm a little shady we're working on it i'm doing less um well guys if you're new um this is an advice podcast and we're gonna listen to your voicemails and if you want to be on an up up a dip but i took my adderall i swear i saw you an upcoming episode call us give me a call phone number is 310-694-0976

and international listeners you can email us an audio file to meganpodcasts at gmail.com woohoo so shall we get into

the advice giving let's get freaking into it let's do it yeah hi Megan I'm a 21 year old college student who recently got

out of a relationship and I'm looking for some advice I was in a relationship from I think my yeah my junior year of high school until just about seven months ago so that was about almost a four and a half year relationship and I had only ever been with that guy I kissed other people but he was the first person I ever had sex with and the first person I still have

to this day only had sex with and I've just been trying to figure out how I can get back into the dating game and feel confident which I'm sure a lot of people can relate to I always felt confident with him because he was the only person I'd ever been with and vice versa and so I just felt comfortable with everything and he was like my best friend and so everything seems really easy but now I'm getting to the point where I'm going on dates with strangers or with like friends I've only known for a couple weeks and I kiss people you know I've gotten to that point but the point of getting sexual or just like doing anything past making out with someone just doesn't freak me out but it does well I guess it does freak me out it just makes me a little bit nervous and so

I've been trying to figure out how I can feel more confident in getting to that phase or if there's a reason why I'm not feeling confident maybe I shouldn't be hooking up with people at all um but you know I kind of want to I'm kind of that phase of my life and I kind of want to but i just can't seem to do it without the idea of alcohol and i mean i don't want to have to feel drunk to be as confident but so far it's been the only time where i've gotten close and so i'd really like your advice on some other ways i can feel confident on a date to possibly hook up with someone oh my god cute i no longer have advice that was i know that's that is your advice every time somebody is drank yeah just get drunk because that's what you do

yeah i mean that will do it yeah fuck i mean i'm do you have any ideas sorry she's drinking so yeah this is just vodka um so okay did you did you guys catch like how long ago they broke up i was gonna ask that too because it might just be time yeah it might just really be like easing your way in and like it seems like you are on like the trajectory of like you're kissing people you're getting out there seven months ago okay but i yeah i i have not been in a like had a breakup of that length of a relationship so i can't like directly relate to like the timeline for that um but i i feel like it could just be like sort of easing yourself out there and maybe you're you haven't met the right person yet or like yeah i don't know what are

your thoughts okay so i'm gonna get really just like explicit not explicit but like transparent in my life with this because like that's what i do relate it back so i understand the whole like oh shit i'm nervous because i've only had like sexual experience with one person so i think like first of all that's a very valid feeling not that you should feel uncomfortable but like it makes total sense especially when you've been in a relationship for that long that you're like oh shit a lot of people already have had like four or five sexual partners at this point and like i've only had one so you get to kind of feeling like oh i'm sort of behind also think about the fact that a lot of people that you will be going on dates with haven't been in a relationship that

long so like where you think they have like the upper hand or like a better grasp on like the sexual experience stuff you've probably had sex more times you've probably also had better sex 100 and like also i'd imagine at this point you know what you're into like you know what you want from them and so like I I feel like maybe it's yeah kind of like owning that strength almost like recognizing that like you've had this experience that may not be like necessarily the same as all of your peers but it provides value in a totally different way and I think it's okay to feel I think no matter how experienced you are having sex having sex with like a new person like it's always going to be kind of like oh this is different because having sex every

person you sleep with it's going to be different no matter how many people you've slept with the first time you sleep with somebody it's gonna be a totally new and different experience so i wouldn't treat that as being like nervous like i definitely have had sex with more than one person and every time i i know what a whore scandalous i very much am so like i would definitely be nervous but i will also say like i definitely did like a drink before because i'd be like oh shit let me like not be so stressed about this i think like i mean the first like i would also get nervous before dates like I'd have like a shot before a date but like the first time I went on a date with my boyfriend who I um really like didn't know if I liked or not but I had like

built up a crush for years in my head and then I was like we're going on a real date like I have to get drunk and I got real drunk on that one um but I would also say I think like I think while having sex with like every like person is different or whatever if you feel like and you sound like you really want to put yourself out there and like have new sexual experiences and things like that i think that there can be a lot and i'm feeling a lot of shit for this there can be a lot of pressure when you really like the person and like you've been on dates with them and like there's that build up but if you see someone and you're like at a bar and you're really sexually attracted to that person if you want to have sex with them act on that act on that aspect

of it but i yeah and i think the idea is like when you have at least for me when i have like far more romantic feelings for somebody i get more nervous yeah for that built that part of it and i think if you want to hop into a new relationship that's totally like then that's fine then do whatever you want to do in that relationship but don't feel like you have to like check off all of these boxes before you like start pursuing somebody that's like oh we've been on this many dates we've done all this unless you want to but um i think that can also be like a different way and also i will say like sexual confidence i am most sexually confident i've been in relationships because like i know what i'm doing i know what like my partner's into like i feel comfortable asking for

what i want and i've never felt like super confident sexually like the anytime i'm like hooking up with a new person but like you fake it till you make it kind of a thing don't fake your orgasms because then you will never get any like get off at all um but i mean yeah i this have i said this on the podcast before whatever i mean i people know um i hooked up with someone my boyfriend and i started dating in like early october and we like weren't exclusive which i kept repeating to him over and over again i mean like by the way we're not exclusive so if you want to hook up with other people you can't he was like okay i slept with somebody like that i had like wondered if i had had feelings for and then kind of was like nah and then i was like oh

shit and i was really nervous before like moths and i hadn't i hadn't had sex i like took a like a almost a year-long break from dating so i was like fuck i have not hooked up with someone in like a year and i don't want that first person to be moths because like i really like him and i'm like i'm really like i'm rusty let me like hop back on the horse and like figure that out so i think like i don't know if that like helps at all just knowing that i think um that sexual confidence i think a lot of it is kind of like feeling confident and asking for what you want and like you said you should already be on that positive like trajectory more than like people like me before who like hadn't had a ton of diff like had had more different partners but like not

the same regular one where you don't really know what you're as into but um yeah yeah and maybe like one shot like don't get drunk but just i also feel like every like every new person that you hook up with is gonna feel like so different and maybe if you're like sensing like if you're like making out with someone you're like oh this feels like weird or weird isn't the right word um but if it just feels like new and different that's like everyone's gonna feel new and different so it doesn't mean like this isn't the right person necessarily like i think those are like different feelings if that makes sense like you don't want to be like go for it even if you feel weird yeah that's not what I'm saying at all um but just I think like see it as like something

that's gonna be different than like your your ex and like it's it's not gonna feel that way and then also understand that like the more you have sex with someone like the better it will get which you probably know having been in like such a long relationship um so even if like you you're hooking up with someone and like it's wasn't quite what you thought it was gonna be like with communication and with like literally practice it can like always get better yeah yeah i think that's a good way to put it and also in the same way that like things that are new and different any relationship any person that you like kiss or hook up with now it's going to feel incredibly different because you don't have that history there like you don't have like a oh it's gonna

be so different yeah you're comparing it's like you're comparing a first date to someone who you've known for more than four years so that becomes like hard because it's a lot to live up to and I think just like try and take yourself back to that like mindset and think of things as like being new and exciting and the same way that like when you go from high school to college it's a transition and it's super different and you're like oh this is like also school but like this is weird and different and new and you kind of just get your footing um and maybe before you go on to like hooking up with people even though even though that's like you want to like experiment all that stuff maybe you just go on a bunch of first dates to be like okay let me like feel

comfortable doing this and then kiss a bunch of people and be like okay i feel comfortable doing this and then just kind of like get your baby steps yeah get your confidence up in general when it comes to like rate like relations with the people that you want to eventually have sex with um and then i think like from there like you'll probably have like more sexual confidence i think also this this may like sound obvious but hook up with people who really want to hook up with you oh yeah where it's like if you are finding yourself like having to like think too hard about like oh when should i text him or like um am i like too like coming on too strong or like is he really into me like you don't need to hook up with that person like you you don't need to do

that like hook up with people who are like are into you and you're like to them yeah well yeah yeah for sure definitely you should be attracted to them and whatever whether you like them or whatever place you makes you feel good but um yeah don't go chasing people yeah because i feel like that's also where like a lot of confidence kind of comes in is when you're hooking up with someone who wants to be there as much as you do because they'll make you feel good and you'll make them feel good yeah no that's that's yeah that's that's very spot on that's very spot on and also like for me um when i've been like it's been a while since i've been with somebody and then i'm with somebody for the first time i'll just say like i haven't been with somebody in

a while and it takes the pressure off of yeah of the relationship well and you're like i'm not this kind of girl i never know not like i would never say that but yeah but yeah i would pay money to have you say that i'm just not that i am not like i am not this kind of girl there's not videos on the internet of me talking about fucking next yeah like this is like this is so crazy and i'm like i don't want you to get like the wrong idea that's so funny i also just can picture like every guy who's like every because they hear girls like yeah of course no i don't yeah of course you'd ever do something like this uh well i think you got this you're good and yeah follow your gut if you don't feel like you're emotion if you don't feel like you're ready and then yeah just wait

it out too there's no rush like you have the rest of your life literally literally and i also i usually um uh subscribe to the sex in the city mentality where it takes half as long as your relationship to get over somebody like that's kind of like what your threshold is and like what you have so um also don't feel like it's a requirement to like hop in bed with somebody else to get over somebody yeah if that's not helping you um and you like want it to i am now learning through therapy that i don't like to like i just like to put all my feelings in boxes and be like you're good like we dealt with that like we recognize this happened but like we're fine now and addressing and like recognizing that like something makes you feel a certain way isn't like necessarily

processing or dealing with your emotions so um yeah you can't really rush the whole like getting over someone thing but maybe you already are like over because sometimes relationships end before they're like officially over too yeah just just take it take it day by day dick by dick yeah also masturbate get to know your body without somebody else yeah oh that's great advice she's never she's only been with one guy so maybe figure out what you like on your own and yeah because you don't have to be like i don't know what i like whatever my ex-boyfriend did because that will not help you get laid by other guys okay cool so do you have his number should i ask him what you're into yeah also i mean feel free to consider like all the things that he wasn't bringing to the table

like sexually you know if there's like other stuff that just wasn't there think about that yeah and like you might have some bad sex but like that doesn't mean that like your ex had like a godly dick like there's just sometimes you have bad sex with people yeah and then also like that communication like i feel like if if you're sleeping with someone for four years hopefully it's like really good yeah at that point i feel like it would be you got this get that dick on to the next hi megan i love the podcast i think you're super wise and i need a lot of advice so my boyfriend and I have been dating for about five months now and we're really happy with our relationship but recently I've been getting very insecure about being abandoned or dumped and

that's probably just me healing from past times that's happened to me but my boyfriend's past relationship also triggers a lot of these insecurities because he told me his story so in up he met his ex at university and they were best friends but he always had a crush on her and she had a boyfriend at the time but started showing interest in him she came running to him one day claiming she'd broken up with her boyfriend and they experimented sexually and my boyfriend had never had sex before then my boyfriend found out that she was still with the other guy and for After a year, she went back and forth between them, and both guys knew at this point. She finally chose my boyfriend, and since they were both in the same small major, after

a year, she ended up cheating on him with another guy in that major, which really hurt my boyfriend. He was very depressed. He and I met a year later, only he'd recently been trying to be friends with his ex a few months prior to his meeting when she reached out to him, but he stopped trying to be friends because he told her it was too painful. He's now come in contact with the guy his ex cheated with and he feels like he can let that go now.

I find his forgiving nature complex. I think it's good to forgive, but I'm the kind of person who cuts people off forever. So I guess I'm insecure he'll reach out to his ex or she'll reach out again since they're in the same small landscape architecture field. And I have no reason to distrust him. He's such an open book to me, but I feel like my relationship is much less exciting and passionate, even though the sex is great and there's a lot of tenderness there, but I just can't shake that feeling like he's going to leave me soon and he's going to get bored. So I would really love to hear your wise words on the situation. i i have thoughts so first and foremost my then follow-up question that i can't ask you um is have you expressed this to him because it might just be a matter of being like okay i know this sounds crazy but i just like have this like weird also trust your intuition so like your gut is

saying something's off it's probably because either something's off or you need to have a conversation yeah that hasn't been had yet so i feel like talking to him first and foremost and just expressing how you're feeling is like number one because he'll i mean he'll either be like you're right or he'll be like oh my god i can't believe i made you feel that way or like also maybe thinking about like what what could he do slash what could happen that would make you feel better so is it not talking to this girl anymore is it you know maybe like all of you hang out or something like what what would make you feel better like either him telling you or like a situation like think about that and then have a conversation with him wow you literally

sound exactly like my therapist she was like we just need to figure out what you need i'm like i don't know what i need it's okay it's the process we're gonna figure out what you need and then you're gonna ask for it yeah okay no but that's i think i think that's like totally spot on i think trusting your gut is really important um something wow let's just talk about therapy all the time something i've mentioned on the podcast before which i also told my therapist uh my couple therapists told me once uh that uh if it's hysterical it's historical um and you're like super upset it's yeah and that is so true when i think about like when i've been hysterical it's because of like things that happen so long it's triggering it's something that like it just takes

you back to tea you're feeling like you the first time you feel it it's like here and then the second time you feel it and then by the time it happens that's not even like cutting super deep it just like scrapes the surface level you're like no it all comes up right now yeah um and i told her that i was like hey by the way i said that on my podcast and she's like isn't it great i was like yeah um but yeah so i think that there's definitely probably a component of um you feeling like abandonment issues in general tend to be something that uh you adopt over time um that like a fear of someone like leaving you or dumping you or things like that unless he's given you a bunch of reasons to feel that way that you haven't given us like examples of things that have happened

in your relationship you feeling like that is definitely based on some of your own stuff that you're you've dealt with but i will say from just hearing the story that he told you which i'm sure you're giving us a summarized version of that like that's a lot like it's a lot it's a it's a lot to share with you and i'm all for honesty but to me that's like an emotionally charged story like that's not a girl that he had been longing for for a long time she cheated on her boyfriend with him it was his first sexual encounter which is a big yeah feelings bath yeah big pool of big feelings and then she went between the two of them and then chose him like that's a lot and yeah that would just feel horrible as especially like considering all of the feelings that go with

like your first sexual interaction with someone you really like like that feels crazy yeah and i not that i'm saying that i i think it's bad that he told you but i think if he wasn't still harboring a lot of hurt from it i think he would have really downplayed everything to not make you feel this way because i think that story would make me feel some type of way like i think that's a spooky story yeah and it's something like you it when someone like if moths describes some like girl as like oh this was like the love of my life i was pining after for all this time i'd be like shut the fuck up i was pining after her she chose me and then she cheated on me it's kind of something like to me that sounds like somebody who might not necessarily be over that and ready to date

um he also might just be like a complete and total overshare and if he's an overshare then you i think in general you should talk to him but if he's an overshare i think that's when you're gonna get the responsibility oh my gosh i didn't want you to feel like that but he's just honest to a fault and so he wanted to include everything but yeah that's very hard to take it for just what it is without like having that affect you and how you're perceiving your relationship to be going well my question also is so it it sounded like and let me know if you guys heard differently that he's trying to be like friendly with her he's being friendly with the guy that with the guy cheated that she cheated on him why got it because they're all in the same major but no aren't they

are they still in the same major and now they're in landscape like that's the major so they're in the they're in that same so like for example when i went to college i started out being a physics major and there was only eight people in my department and i was like i cannot deal with these same eight people for the next four years so i switched to biology okay so yeah like and now she's here yeah no there's a gap i'm missing but yeah okay so that makes sense i think what i would say like i'm also one of those people that i'm like fuck me over i'm done like i cut you out i'm not like i will ghost people for much less uh as we know but same i yeah like i'm definitely more of like a cut people out sort of thing i think one of the red flags that this raises is

him and this just doesn't add up to me him reaching out to want to be friends with his ex who he was so heartbroken by don't buy that then him deciding after he reached out that oh psych i take it back this is too hard i'm not going to talk to her anymore sounds like a lie sounds like maybe she just stopped responding and he's kind of trying to save face and pride maybe she kind of rejected yeah and he's trying to make it sound like not to worry you and be like oh no yeah and then i decided which is supposed to be like this oh i'm like i'm cool with i'm in charge yeah exactly and like this is a choice so like don't worry because like we're good so i think the only way you're going to be able to deal with this is just to talk to him about all of it and like

and i think frame it as like this is the way it's making me feel yeah and ask him like what are your thoughts there like i think open it as like as i don't know if gentle's the right word but like it's not a confrontation it's a conversation yeah and you're not accusing him of intentionally doing anything and that's like how i think approaching like every fight in general because you can't fix someone's you can't like go back in time and like fix someone's actions or anything like that and so much of the time we don't speak up about our feelings because we know that they aren't intentional like if someone didn't try to hurt our feelings it's like well I'm not gonna say anything because like you didn't mean to hurt my feelings but it's like but you're not gonna

change and also if you just told me that I hurt your feelings like I like this isn't like a hard thing for me to not do like I'm not thinking that what I'm doing is like affecting you in that way so I can easily change that and also it's it's almost it's not nice especially when you're in a relationship with someone but even like as friends it's not nice to to feel hurt by something or not like something someone said and then hold that in yeah it's not nice to the friend no like your your partner um because then they have no idea and then at some point later that can build and build and build inside you and then it can like erupt and for him it's like where is this coming from yeah and so it's it's not really fair to like have those feelings and not express them

to your partner because you'll you'll hold a resentment and he'll feel that yeah and then he'll be like what did i do and he has no way of knowing yeah i think we should always the people you to surround yourself with like your relationships like friends and all of that stuff you should think highly enough of them that if they do something to hurt you that you you think so high of them that they can change that and they're like mature capable people that it's something that like oh i respect you so much that i also don't want you to end up doing this to somebody else and hurting someone's feel like it's that kind of action like you should yeah like like somebody enough and respect someone enough to know that they uh can change and like

adapt to the people that they're speaking to onto the next hey megan i'm 26 years old and i i started dating my boss um i'm not i don't consider myself gay or lesbian but i started dating my boss and she's a woman um Um, we, we had such a great relationship and we enjoyed each other's company and one night we were too drunk and things happened, but, um, I didn't really want anyone to know because she was my boss and she was, you know, I'm not like out, I don't know what I am. But now it's been almost a year or maybe more than a year and I've been hearing from my friends from college that people say I got my job and the other positions I've been in

because I dated my boss. And now so I've been trying to distance myself from her a little bit, especially at the office. But I don't know, I just don't want anyone to know because my parents don't know. And I'm not like, I don't want, I don't want to have to come out as anything. And my parents won't accept me being gay or bi or anything. And I really like her, but she's older than me. And I don't know if we have a future together. I just really, really like her. And I have feelings for her, but I don't know. Okay, so first of all, with your friends are like saying stuff or like people from college you're saying stuff you cannot control what people think about you yeah and the more that you try the

more frustrating it is that you can't so i would say to that like that's none of your business um and if you're if like your main concern is um trying to like you don't want people to know something or obviously like being out is a different thing but if you you don't want people to think like you got this job for whatever reason um i think like let that go yeah that would be my main advice which is way easier said than done um but yeah it's it's just none of your business what people think about you um and it's not your job to keep track of it and it's it's not your job to prove them wrong um just like live your life do you um second of all you don't have to come out as anything if that's not how you're feeling yeah if you like don't want to label or

you identify any which way whatever like do you do what feels right to you um and then obviously like i can't i don't know like your specific parent situation or like that sort of thing but if i'm reading between the lines i would imagine as like someone who is gay that a lot of like you not wanting other people to know is you don't really want it to get back to your family um is like the main concern because i know like before i came out to my parents i was just like so scared that like some somehow they would find out before i exactly yeah um and i know like for me and again like i don't know your specific parent situation or like if it's dangerous or whatever but i know for me like once i told my parents i was really able to like actually live

my life um and just became like way less worried about like my friends at college were like saying certain things about my job or like if people were like whispering about stuff like it just was not a burden that i had to to carry anymore so um i mean i'm not telling you like you have to do that because again don't know your sitch but i would maybe like have a a conversation with yourself where you're like how how one important is this relationship to me and like is and um i mean do you like is it maybe worth telling your parents even though they may not necessarily react well in order for you to not have to carry that weight on your shoulders no I think that's I think that's exactly I think you hit the nail on the head with that because I think

yeah I think there I don't obviously want to like say but it sounds from my on it from my perspective it sounds like you have a little bit of internalized homophobia and that's it's becoming this like yeah it's just becoming this snowball secret that's getting bigger and even when you said like i don't know how long it's gonna last with this woman like is part of you saying that because you're like well no i always pictured myself with a guy so like i don't know how long it's gonna last because like she's a girl and you don't have to label yourself as anything or identify as anything because i mean labels can either be very empowering for the people who like want to wear them or they're just to explain to other fucking people who like doesn't fucking

matter to that like you ain't mean like people use labels for a lot of different reasons but like you don't need to identify as anything to then that doesn't but you also but you not want to identify as anything doesn't mean that like this relationship is like not important right it's like together a year yeah that's a big relationship that's a long time and and i i mean i would just say like really really remind yourself you're allowed to be in love like that is exciting like that is so fun like obviously you get along really well you've been together for like a year or maybe longer there's more there than just like a fun workplace like sort of like oh we're so crazy obviously there's like a lot there and i would just hate for other people or

Like your idea of how other people will react, like keep you from experiencing like a full, beautiful love with someone you care about. Yeah. And if we go purely opinion based and like like you said, not knowing the situation, if it's like dangerous, let's say it's not dangerous. And let's talk about opinion based. If people have these negative opinions about something that a like is not in your control, like this is just like how you feel. if someone has opinions on your feelings those people suck and those people aren't your friends those people aren't like the kind of people that you want in your life because it's like it's that kind of love it's a conditional love and that's not the only kind of love that's out there and it sucks when sometimes it's people that you really love and you care about and your love for them is unconditional and then the love you receive is conditional and as long as you're doing certain

things, they still like completely support you and love you. But there are other things that are out of your control and regard your feelings and contribute to your happiness that they're not okay with. That can be a really, really, really hard pill to swallow. And again, like not saying like come out and cut all these people out of your life, like don't support you. But I think it would be really important for you right now to have somebody that you can confide in and have people who do support you and are there for you because you're keeping all this stuff in like can't talk about it at work you can't talk about your relationship like um it's your boss who's older than you so you probably don't want to like complain about how like you really can't open up

to your friends like you can't talk to your family about this like you have to talk to somebody and like that's how we process and deal with emotions and feelings and all of that stuff but like if you are feeling like you can't talk about anything without people having judgments not talking about it doesn't make you think that those judgments are going away no and like it is just completely not up to you to carry the weight of other people's homophobia yeah not at all yeah it's it's not it's not your your job just as much as like it's not your you can't not control like what other people think and feel about you and so like the less you you worry about that like the better um and yeah i would i would really try and have like an honest conversation with yourself um about where that's

coming from and like why you don't want people to know and i would guess it probably circles back to like the parents and like not wanting your family unit to know but is it also because you have an idea of like lesbians or queer people um that is outdated or that is um negative you know were you raised to believe that that sort of lifestyle is like not good and i would also just as like a hot tip love to give you the word queer which is like a fun little umbrella term all encompassing whether you're like one percent queer 99 queer like maybe that's your word if you don't feel good with that word you don't have to use it it's just like you yeah some extra little language some vocab that may not have been in your arsenal that you may identify with yeah there's a

nice little word for you yeah i think i would also say when it were like in regards to the job aspect there might be a part of you that feels like you did get this job because of dating her and i think any relationship straight relationship queer relationship in the workplace involving a boss is a bad idea like point blank i think it's a really fucking bad idea but you're already here and you've done that and i think well i wouldn't advise you to do that and i think it's a bad idea i think what you can and you can't control those people's opinions those opinions people might have those i mean i think people would have those opinions if it was a man and you were a woman and you were dating your boss i think that's just an opinion people have in general i think you

might again i'll tell you how you feel i think you might i think the homophobia aspect um or queer phobia aspect i think that might be making this a lot more personal than it because it's i don't want to say that you have something to lose but like there's a fear there it's not just like oh fuck you all haters and all that sort of stuff like there's like a fear like oh shit like this can't get out sort of thing so i think apply for another job somewhere else and a you'll be able to tell if you're really you'll be able to know then if your relationship with this with your this your former boss's woman is something that um isn't just convenience based and it's something and i think you've been dating for a year like definitely like should be and then also yes you

don't have to like carry the weight of other people's like homophobia and all of those different things but also like that cannot be an enjoyable work environment for you in general like there's no way at least for me I would constantly be like did I get this job because of this is this why I got this job and then if you hear those whispers that gets into your head and I think like for your own self-confidence proving to yourself like you are a worthy employee and all of that stuff apply for a job somewhere else and get that separation because I think also then i think you might be able to do a little more introspection and figure out yourself a little bit more because you're not going to be in this like not that i'm saying you're like hiding

in the closet but like you were just like you're hiding within hiding within hiding within hiding and you have to hide for anyone too much shit and like it's too hard to keep up with and like fair to for you no fun and also like you're at work like that work already like it's hard kind of sucks and like you are this is not something that people deal with out in the workplace on an everyday basis and it's not just like well this is like one of the given things that happens when you get a job you're gonna be worried because you're dating your boss and like everybody's gonna be whispering about you like that's not par for the course so I think if you can eliminate those aspects of like working that's working having it we're eliminating the aspect of

dating your boss by like applying for a job somewhere else and working somewhere else and then you're also limiting those kinds of like whispers and things like that i think you'll be able to i think grow a lot more too because again dating your boss is it's yeah you're really mixing your work life and your home life so i think you're it's confining you're it's you don't have a lot of space to be independent and grow um and i think that's a good important thing yeah and i would say pretty pretty much everything you said probably puts a huge strain on your relationship 100 and so yeah like the more you can kind of separate those things and also the more you work through kind of where your like internalized homophobia is coming from the better that'll

be for your relationship and then also once you get kind of like that baggage out of the way you can actually evaluate like are we good partners exactly i feel like you can't even really do that when there's so much like shrouding your idea of of this relationship yeah and also think about if you eventually do like continue dating this woman and you want to tell people then you only have to tell her hey this is my girlfriend not my girlfriend and my boss yeah it just makes it it just makes it a little bit smaller yeah it just it feels like there there's too much too much riding on everything too much yeah too much so do less do less okay guys it's time for a quick break and we'll be back okay guys we are back from the break there is spit on my lip from something

not me gross i was gonna say i hope it's your own it's my spit that's just on the mic you made out with someone here while we were all blinking deep throat of the mic um so let's get back and dress the colors hi megan melissa and guess i'm 25 years old and i'm engaged to a wonderful human being and we're as much opposites attract as you can possibly get um he was raised like really catholic and um he waited to have sex till he was like 25 and he's only had sex with one other person besides me. And I, on the other hand, had like really fucked up self-esteem as in my college years, um, and sought a lot of validation through sex and like was sexually assaulted. And so I had a really, really like fucked up relationship with sex for a really long

time. And I put in a lot of work to make that better. Uh, before I met him, I spent a lot of I'm celibate and um it took me a long time just to get to like neutral ground with sex where I didn't think it was a bad thing anymore and he's really the first person I've ever had a healthy sexual relationship with and um like with him it's gone from like a bad thing in my brain to neutral and then with him it's a positive thing um and now we're engaged and we're doing the whole classic marriage thing and now he's like well I don't want to have sex until we're married and my emotional reaction is immediately like panic and anxiety and I I can't say no like I can't say like oh you don't want to have sex too bad like that's weird and rapey and but at the

same time it's like well what about me and what I want and like a really backwards way it feels like someone making a decision about my body without my permission and I'm really having a hard time with it I really want to support him in this because he um he felt like really disconnected like spiritually and this is part of him trying to like find that again which I you know that's something i value too and i really want that for him but at the same time like i just got to such a place with with like where sex is positive for me again and i'm so afraid if we go an 18 month engagement which i would not have made our engagement that long had i noticed um but i'm afraid of going that amount of time that's gonna like make me backslide emotionally

and i just have a lot of fear related to it so like how can i support him while also like not losing my mind wow i think the first thing i will say is and i say this because i definitely relate to this i don't want to say you're not over your fear of sex as validation but that's what your fear is is it's not that you're gonna slip back it's you nailed it that you have a comfortable relationship with him and a healthy sex life because you feel valid like and that's there's nothing wrong with that like there's i'm 100 that way like if we go like if literally the week that i'm like bleeding i'm like oh my god i like you don't like i like i definitely get a lot of validation in my own relationship from sex but that's also because like i enjoy it like i feel

sexy like i like i feel confident and good about myself it's not about like even necessarily how the like a big feeling like oh wow you look great or whatever like it's not so much about that like it's something that makes me feel confident yeah and i think like have you talking about your history of like you didn't feel confident you were seeking that out and all those people i think 100 that can be a very unhealthy thing but when you're in a relationship like there that is the difference between a relationship and a friendship is like that aspect of it and i think that you're like you're like you keep using the word like fear you're terrified of it i think that is because you do maintain this validation with him a healthy validation yeah there's nothing like

wrong with no nothing at all because like you're not it's not like you keep doing it and you're not feeling good for like this is working like it's working and i think you're that you're really afraid of like you're obviously like into it um wow wow oh my god um did he ask you that's my other question like did he say like can we have a conversation about this or is this i'm guessing what they probably did was they probably were in counseling for marriage counseling which is what they would be doing before they get married at church and they probably yes and so they probably talked about it in this counseling and now he does and he's like you know what might be worth bringing up kind of with that in mind is just well one I mean I'm always pro like talk to him about

it you guys are partners like you're in this together like and you said it so eloquently like no part of at least what you left in like your voicemail is disrespectful or or you said it perfectly I mean I respect your wishes but it's making me feel like this um so I'd say bring it up and then it might be worth having a conversation of like is this really something you feel like you need to do like for god or for your spirituality or is this a pressure from the church is it like a pressure from your family or like feeling like this is what you're supposed to do as like a good catholic person right um like maybe identifying kind of where that comes from with within him um and um that might just also help like you getting on board or at least like sorting through

kind of how you feel about it is um like making sure you understand like where it's where it's coming from with him yeah and maybe there's um it was because i fully agree that there needs to be like a like a very open transparent conversation um and i will also say like also like if you want to get like real fucking religious isn't like masturbation also not a thing so like it depends so that that's how you interpret yeah so that's the whole thing it's like so it's like the interpretation here if the interpretation is you're not going to have sex let's break it down are we talking penetrative sex are we talking like yeah are neither of us going to masturbate like can we like mutually master like is there a way that like not like that you feel like you

have to give up something but like i under i even if you want to like not take about the religious aspect like the idea like people who like i i know people who like have like abstained from sex for like oh a couple weeks before their wedding or like before like to build up that anticipation like is there maybe like as opposed to 18 months like maybe you guys like maybe like how about we do like the last six months or we have what we even like just like talk not like talking it down but coming up with the practicality of it because also like if you guys are having sex regularly and he is like you know i guess like a like a dude with a dick like you know i guarantee he's masturbating yeah that's the part that i'm like well then how is that like if is it something like

the pleasure that we both get that's what you're gonna say no to but the individual pleasure is okay like what is what is the the root of of why you think this is the right thing to do yeah and also if it's just what you're interpreting from the church then you need to discuss it being like okay well i feel like they're also wouldn't be down with this they wouldn't be down with this Or, hey, how about we abstain from, like, having penetrative sex, but we do other stuff together and we don't do it on Sunday. Yeah. Yeah. It seems like he's fasting.

Like, there's, like, food fasting where people won't eat and they'll use that time to, like, pray and become closer to God. So he's using, he's sex fasting. So the time that he'd be having sex, he's praying. Yeah. Yeah. And I totally hear, like. I hear what you're saying in that, you know, you obviously can't be like, well, tough. We are having sex like that.

That's not fun for you to be like, I don't want to do this. But I definitely think it's worth expressing like the way that it makes you feel. And maybe he's not really thinking about the way it could affect your relationship. And I mean, I don't want to say he's not thinking about you because obviously anyone's allowed to say no to sex at any time. but I mean it's it's definitely worth just having the conversation of expressing exactly what you said to us yeah how how it makes you feel and and how you just kind of want to like figure it out no offense like that's like 18 months of resentment that's not does not a happy marriage make like that's not a fun engagement and also like just having a conversation get on board and

make it whether or not you you end up following through with it or whatever it should all be something you're doing together yeah and so if you're not on board like emotionally then you need to i find a way to get on board or he needs to adjust or you know there's there's at least like definitely conversations that need to be had if you're not yeah yeah and it can be like and like express to him that it's not the it's not like just being with him physically it's being with him on an emotional level um and also like maybe you guys can set aside a time where it's not you guys like going to marriage council where you're just like maybe at home and you're reading the bible or doing something faith oriented yeah and so you can still have the the physical

connection but then also have that spiritual yeah with the spirituality with whatever you want to do yeah i think that's what it should be i think you need to like if if the goal in that is to be more connected spiritually i think like explore other options to achieve that that doesn't that you can both be on board with because also like i i do wonder if this is again just like the first thing that he's like oh yeah this could be a thing that we do and it's like well okay let's think it through i bet there's a lot of other things we can do that we can still have sex feels like something he's doing to you yeah when that's not that's not his goal either like i'm sure if you said if sure if you express the way that you're feeling he would be like oh oh no i didn't mean

to do that yeah and then also even if it's um getting on and i would also talk to him about the like valid like feeling like uh connected to him like emotionally and physically but then also that it really makes you feel really secure in your relationship and like talk about that aspect of it because like i've definitely had those conversations with like people that i've been with where i'm like this is something like for me that like really like makes me like sure yes like sexually feel good but like this is something like this also really like i like feel great after and like i feel like this is like i'm in my element here like this is like yeah that kind of thing and like have talked to him about that aspect of it too because i think there is like

this like idea that women don't enjoy sex as much as men and all of that that um he might just be oblivious he might think that this might not be like a like a deal to you and also again like having that conversation with him it might you might also then end up getting on board because i don't want to say like this whole thing should be getting him off that train uh at all i also can say that because like i'm not like religious so i can be like wow wow that's like that but that aspect of it but you don't need you don't want someone this needs to be where you guys both of you are happy with the choices that you're making and if someone's choice is like hurting the other person that's no good no and not at all and i think also even if it means that like you abstain

from sex but like you find other ways that you feel really secure and validated and like then you supplement so it's like you can masturbate and like you find a way to supplement these things that sex gives you and you can continue to abstain from it but like if it's sexual pleasure for you like you're masturbating maybe you guys are mutually masturbating doing all that stuff and then you find a way to uh what other things bring you that same sort of validation and confidence in your relationship like is it the quality time is it the just feeling like he really likes you is it like feeling connected maybe like identify sort of what what you feel like aside from just like pleasure like what you feel like you would be missing without it and then you know if you

end up like getting on board finding ways to do that together like maybe it's just the quality time maybe you like cook dinner together once a week or butt naked just like you look hot and you're like thank you so much you feel great yeah yeah like maybe there's like something something else that can like fulfill that that desire yeah also don't cook naked that's gonna be really dangerous yeah um mox is cooking in his boxers once spilled baking grease all over his stomach and then wouldn't let me tend to the wound because he was like a big strong man got infected had to go to urgent care because a massive scar it's so fucking funny and also singed off like his hair on his stomach just so he has a patch of like no hair no there's her now

but like when it happened yeah it was really funny she's like a pretty hairy dude so it's good uh on to the next um so i'm 24 and i've been with my boyfriend for over four years um and lately I've been really intrigued by the idea of an open relationship um I've been doing my own research um I'm actually reading a book right now that Gabby Dunn had suggested in a previous episode um I think my feelings about this are partly due to um recently within the past two years um realizing that i'm bisexual um which i've told my boyfriend um but i never really got a chance to explore that at all because i've only ever had any romantic interaction with men um but otherwise i'm extremely happy in my relationship i love

my boyfriend so much um and i feel like this could be a really exciting thing for us to do together and like potentially help us like grow as individuals and like be like closer as a couple um but i'm really nervous about bringing this up to him um because i think it kind of seems like something that is unlike me um and also just because once I say it it's there it's not like we can just go back to normal if he says no um so I was wondering if you guys had any advice on how to like carefully ease into this topic or ways that I could like hint at it and feel out his opinion rather than just bring it on him and punch a giant hole in my relationship okay i have lots of thoughts okay take it away so one if honesty can ruin a relationship that's

not a strong relationship so like if you expressing something that you feel is like gonna be a like a deal breaker then that's no good second of all we have all been raised to believe that um monogamy is how you know that somebody likes you so like if you're dating someone and they think someone else is attractive we've just been like really super conditioned to think that that means they don't like you and so sometimes being like I want to be non-monogamous or I want to be open feels like rejection so I think that the way you can kind of go in is just really making sure that like when you express that to him it doesn't feel like oh you're not enough for me or like I don't like you anymore it just feels like a totally like separate thing that ultimately like you can do

together and like might be a fun thing for you to do as a couple um but i think just being really really aware that like that can feel like rejection um and just making sure that that's not what you are saying and just being really careful with like that word choice yeah no i think that's i think you're totally right i think the idea that like you can't go back from it and it punches like a massive hole in your relationship I think you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you and if you can't if you don't want to be in a monogamous relationship anymore he no matter how much he likes you and really cares about you that's not what he signed up for and if he doesn't want to do that then that's his choice and that's allowed and you're also allowed to like that like

I don't want to say like oh he might be dead like there's a chance that like yeah he could be like a great guy and he's like you know what I want what's best for you I want I want you to do what you want but like that's not something that I'm on board with and if it's a deal breaker for you and it's something that you really need then you need to be ready to ask for it and be ready to know that if he's not into it then this might not be the relationship for you but then also know like figure out is it not a deal breaker for you is it something that you really just want to bring up and like see and then let him know it's like and hey if like you're not down and like you're on into this like that's totally okay you just need to figure out what you want in the situation

because like when you say it's gonna like a punch a massive hole in your relationship and things like that like and that it's something that's like so not something that you would normally say I think like I mean if my boyfriend brought it up to me it would definitely like rattle me and I wouldn't be into that but also I wouldn't be like I'm done with you like it'd be a conversation so kind of like oh I'm not attracted to you anymore and I hate you I think you need to break down like there isn't like this idea that like oh if I say it like everything's gonna change for the rest of forever it's like that's I know you're gonna ask for it and like they're gonna say yes or no and then from there you also decide like okay well how important is this to me and also

if if this is something like that you're a little nervous to like broach the subject with him in general I'm a huge fan of leaving books with like intriguing titles just out and about in mutual spaces the ethical slut he's gonna fucking pick it up and be like let me let's see any of this stuff so yeah i think it's just about how you approach it in a way that is exactly like you said and i'm sure like i don't want to say like find other resources like google but like i'm sure there are like lots of other pieces of like lots of other books that you can read that talk about this and then also just know that like as much as like as exactly like you're saying that this doesn't mean that he um I mean this doesn't mean that you don't care about him anymore

know also that if he says no that doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you either like everybody has what they want in a relationship it's not our job to change anyone or get them to be on the same page as us and like love again like love and like how you care about something all that stuff that doesn't necessarily make a happy relationship or a compatible relationship so it's about knowing your deal breakers and respecting his deal breakers as well and also the idea that like if you if this is a huge thing for you that you really really really want but you know that he's gonna like be like no and it would be a deal breaker for him it's that that feeling that you have isn't gonna go away like if you're yeah like you need to act

on how you feel and if you're constantly afraid of like saying something that's being true to who you are or asking for you want for what you want if you're afraid of if asking for what you want is going to like you're going to lose somebody by doing that it's going to happen regardless like that person is not right yeah they're not right for you and it doesn't discredit the relationship that you've had and all of that stuff i also think there's a huge misconception with open relationships that there's like no rules when really and like the ethical slot again great book um touches on this a lot where like there are way more rules and like an open relationship can kind of look like anything um so it can be like maybe you'd have like threesomes

like maybe that's your thing and it's a thing that you like have to do together and it's something like you you have to talk about before like bringing anyone in or maybe it's like um you can kiss whoever you want but you can't like have sex with someone without like asking him like there's a thousand shades of gray in there and you can have the conversation of like what does our relationship look like and like what will the the future of that sort of be and it's not necessarily like no i can fuck whoever i want and like date a bunch of people and like yeah it's not it's not like you're all of a sudden single either it's it's like a completely different thing and honestly i feel like those conversations can like bring couples way closer together which is what she's

yeah exactly like that is also fun you know if if he if that's something that like has intrigued him in the past or also like education is so big because i think also we're just taught that monogamy is like right and like that's the thing to do and so his immediate reaction if he's never thought about it might just be like well that's wrong or like yeah that's negative like like you're slutty um not and he shouldn't say stuff like that but you you might even internalize like feel like oh like am I asking for too much or like maybe this is wrong or I shouldn't want this um when ultimately like it's just everyone is different and I think everyone has a different like spectrum of like how monogamous they feel yeah and I think maybe if it's um avoiding the

like you're saying maybe it's avoiding the term open relationship because there it is such a huge umbrella yeah exactly and like saying like like I just think it'd be like really hot if like you hooked up like if you like made out with a girl and like i got to like if we had a threesome like and you bring up tangible things that are about like i think this would be really hot and i would be really into this like tell me what like are you into this but if you're like i want to have an open relationship that feels like rejection but whether whatever it is that you want to add to your relationship talking about that in a way that like that would make me feel like like if you would enjoy watching him with somebody else or if you think that it'd be really

hot to have him watch you with something like that aspect of it and i would also try um if a part of what you are attracted to in this is something that involves him physically i would start with that to make sure the conversation's inclusive it's not i really would like want to hook up with a girl like even if that if that's like one of the things that there's nothing wrong with like you wanting to be with a woman and have him be nowhere in sight maybe start with ones where like he's involved too and he's not just ross and the threesome making a sandwich in the kitchen like or they're or she's like on a dating app and he's helping her yeah girls i think that you go out to a bar together and you like look at girls like and you you know you flirt with people

and like see how you feel like that's fun yeah and also if you're like if this isn't a deal breaker for you and like you don't want to make this like a sit-down conversation because you don't want to give it that weight because it isn't it's something that's like fun and exciting but you it's not something that you necessarily need in a relationship then maybe just like instead of having like a sit down conversation just kind of like test the waters be out at a bar and be like wow that girl's so pretty yeah and engage his reaction then so you also don't have to like immediately sit down with this very heavy conversation if you don't feel like it deserves that kind of weight because it's not that weighty to you yeah and he might also feel like oh you know as a good

boyfriend like i can't express when i think a girl is hot or like i i'm not allowed to express like i want this sexual thing with another girl or like he he may have similar feelings and it may also take like on his part if he's you know at all receptive like some unlearning and same with you like i think we're just we're so taught that relationships look like one thing and i think being open or like whatever word you you choose to use um just like unleashes like the rules you know you just it doesn't have to look like other people's relationships you can just like do completely your own thing as long as you're both on board with the same idea yeah so i think broaching it is something you're doing together yes and i think the last thing that i'll say on

this is be really really really like attentive to his verbal and non-verbal reactions and if he says what you want to hear but you don't believe it pretend he didn't say that pretend he said no because i think i've had friends who have been like asked like well hey let's like and they were like yeah a hundred percent and i was like oh so not fucking you you don't and like it can if you see that he's just going along because he's afraid again like it's the reassuring that like if you say no this is not going to change anything you're not going to lose me all of that like you're the most important thing to me so making sure that like you you aren't just a hope you aren't just like taking the answer that you want and getting that it's really paying attention to him and

seeing is this something he's comfortable with and the whole way through if it's something that's like okay sure yeah i'm on board it is like you said it's about your relationship and making a relationship stronger and if there are things that you can sense he's even a little bit uncomfortable or anything like that even if he's not saying it because he wants to be cool with it and he wants to be chill and like he wants you to be happy and this means you being happy so he's going to sacrifice some of his comfortability really be hyper aware of that uh onto the next or is it time for don't blame them this is our segment where uh listeners call in and they give their own personal advice based on their experience so you know if we've had someone who's broached the

subject of an open relationship with their significant other they would be um calling in with their own two cents is it about threesomes no no this one we get a lot about we do um but this one is from the episode um 17 season 3 episode 17 with arden rose and um the original i know and the original um caller she um had to get a new therapist because her therapist has cancer and so this someone calling who's actually a therapist with advice i have a couple of therapists who follow me and when they give me words of encouragement being like you're doing amazing I'm like I believe you I mean like there's a therapist listening to this show which I think is pretty cool yeah that's crazy yeah hope we don't make her mad yeah hi Megan uh I'm calling

in in response to um one of the callers from uh the episode with Arden Rose um the caller who was having a problem with adjusting to their new therapist after having the switch from one they saw for a long time um i just wanted to call in because i'm a therapist myself and i thought it might be helpful to have this perspective for her um i would say that all good therapists welcome feedback from their clients i think that if your therapist is doing something that's not really working for you then you are complete within your right to let your therapist know that that is a problem for you and any good therapist is going to respond really well to that and be very encouraging, um, about, you know,

negotiating what the therapy dynamic is like, like between the two of you. And if you bring it up to your therapist and your therapist doesn't respond well to it, you should absolutely find a new therapist, because I think that's a good cue that, um, you're just not working well together and, uh, you'll be better suited somewhere else. But I know that competition is very scary, especially for clients. But I have personally had clients let me know that something I was doing wasn't working for them.

And I have really appreciated it every time that I got that feedback because I was able to readjust what I was doing and provide better therapy for them. And that's really what everybody wants at the end of the day. So, yeah, I really encourage that person to speak to their therapist about it. If they feel comfortable, they definitely have that option and should use it if they can. Oh, my God. Wow. I can't believe a therapist. This is like a celebrity.

This feels like a celebrity listen. Like a therapist listens to us and she loves the podcast. Wow. That makes me really happy. Yeah. I think it's a great thing. i mean i'm definitely terrified of like confrontation in that it's scary but every time you do it it gets easier the next time like rest assured the first time will be so scary and

then you'll be such a pro yeah no mons apparently told off his day yesterday like yeah i told off my therapist this week he's just like not booking i was like wow that's amazing like i would have never about to do that and he was like and i was like so are you like did you fire him he's like no i mean we're gonna see like if he can improve from here and i was like oh that's a very rational way to think about it like i'm like no i can't say anything also i feel like men are just more taught that they can do that it's just harder for women to express themselves or to speak up or to say i don't like this you know you're afraid of hurting people's feelings yeah exactly and like you're raised to sort of please um yeah do it it gets easier every time and that should go for

anything in any type of service environment whether it's like getting the haircut to going to the doctor we should always be speaking up if there's something that makes us uncomfortable or we aren't sure that it's helping us in the best possible way and also i am always so grateful when somebody says to me hey i don't i didn't like that or like can you please do it like that nine times out of ten people have no idea unless you tell them because everyone's different everyone's coming to something with a completely different like background and a completely different set of skills and if if you don't express that you don't like something they will not know yeah and no one no one's goal especially in therapy or no one's goal should be to upset anyone and so like

the idea that like they're doing something that could be unintentionally hurting you like they really don't want to do that and so saying like being able to say that it's like great and also helps them industry professionals in general like it's their job they should be good at their job and the more feedback that they have the better they can be to whether it applies to just you or other clients in general like it's again hold people to a high standard and know and the people that you surround yourself with in your life and also professionals in general like they should be held to a standard of in which they can change and adapt and become better and grow better and just being like ah well i'm just gonna take this for what it is it doesn't help anybody it doesn't

help you and it doesn't help them no it's literally like what we were saying earlier if asking for what you want is going to ruin the relationship then you need a different relationship yeah yeah but yeah i think that's it's a good one i mean therapy's hard it's also hard to find a good like a therapist that you like and all of that stuff i can't believe a therapist watches or listens whatever whichever way you're doing it hi love therapy big fan it's expensive but it's cool i don't get my nails done anymore so you know priorities saving money um well that's it for the episode oh my god for having me plug yo shit okay great uh check out all of my stuff it's all at alexis she's all uh i make youtube videos and i do a lot of like woke feminist sketch comedy

that's kind of my thing um and i make a lot of videos with a guest that you had recently it sounds like gabby dunn a great a great one a great one so wise she's taught me everything i know uh and uh yeah check out uh my instagram my twitter you're very funny on twitter oh thank you so much so few characters so funny oh so much comedy in such a small space thank you i enjoy your tweets and you get a lot of like i sometimes don't see your tweets from you i see them from other people who've retweeted that oh my god whoa that is a big honor yeah and i'm like oh wow i'm like oh look what you tweeted i'm like oh this is a retweet but you so go be one of those uh retweeters yeah go do it um and if you guys are listening to this episode we also filmed it for

youtube so you can check it out and if you're watching check us out um on the listening devices with your ears that's how you listen yeah check it out we're also on stitcher soundcloud spotify we also have an instagram account don't blam meme pod so follow us there check it um we have our own instagrams all of our socials everything will be listed down below and then if you want to be in an upcoming episode if you need some help in with advice i can't help you with a lot of other stuff like math nope calculus science you can help with science i can don't send us biology i haven't does anything in like 10 years. Did you not hear science has changed?

Yeah, so it might be a little sketchy, but if it's like historical science, I can help. So, Newton's Law, she's got on lock. Yeah, I got those. So you guys can, actually don't send a science question. But you can, if you need advice,

call us and leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and international listeners, you can email us an audio file at meganpodcasts at gmail.com Don't Blame Me is a production by me, executive produced by Melissa DeMonts, camera operator Amanda Lechner,

production assistants by Julie Carley, and music by Ryan Hunter and Giacomo Picasso, part of the HerPod Network.