Don't Blame Me! - S3E25: Guest: Lisa Schwartz - Struggling with Sexual Trauma

Episode Date: May 20, 2019

***Trigger Warning *** Sexual Trauma and Harassment Lisa Schwartz is back! This week we’re sharing our advice on confronting your daughter’s friend’s parents, making excessive excuses for your partner, dealing with someone harassing you at work, and handling your controlling boyfriend. In Don’t Blame Them a listener shares her advice on a friend suddenly marrying someone. References What to Do if You Believe You Have Been Harassed at Work https://www.eeoc.gov/eeoc/newsroom/wysk/harassed_at_work.cfm Follow Us! @meghanrienks www.instagram.com/meghanrienks/ @lisaschwartz www.instagram.com/lisaschwartz @dontblamemepod www.instagram.com/dontblamemepod @sheisnotmelissa www.instagram.com/sheisnotmelissa Listen to ad-free and bonus episodes on Stitcher Premium! For a free month of Stitcher Premium, go to stitcherpremium.com and use promo code 'BLAME'. This episode is also brought to you by Cocotopia, DoorDash, The RealReal, and Betterhelp. Affordable Therapy By State (Curated by Crissy Milazzo): www.tinyurl.com/y64kwdnf    Need Advice? www.dontblameme.show Domestic Listeners Call: [phone]   International Listeners Send a Voice Memo To: [e-mail] … with as much detail as possible under 3 minutes! I’ll do my best to share my wonderful words of wisdom. If you’re under 18, please get your parent’s permission. Advice is for entertainment purposes only, so you can’t blame me if I screw up your life. I kid! My advice IS AMAZING. - Want to WATCH this episode as well? Check out my YouTube channel: http://youtube.com/meghanrienks Support the show: https://www.patreon.com/join/dontblameme See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

hello everybody welcome back to another episode i'm sorry i keep asking myself to turn my mic up and i just want to hear myself more but i'm loud okay i'll be quieter i just need to like no just be you and i'll just adjust here thanks so much i'll just keep doing me um weird segue before we get into introducing this someone tweeted um that there were like comments when people say like be yourself don't ever change like are so weird because like i've never written on a to-do list like change don't be yourself it's true like it's a very weird comment like hey don't ever change i was like i wasn't planning on it but thanks for the reinforcement i wasn't gonna just fully change my life okay well that adorable giggle guys is

our guest lisa schwartz oh hi she's here this is blondes on the couch blondes on the couch doing things being blonde on the couch i'm thinking lots of jingles today everything needs a song we see what we should get we shouldn't get this because i would enjoy it too much one of those little sound boards and i just get to like oh god no we should not get that nope nope we actually don't have enough inputs here no true facts so okay so we wouldn't be able to do it i would be like god yeah i don't take my adderall you give me a soundboard it's like when you like the uh the keyboards and you could change it to be like the the what are the we i want to call them like the webbings version like you know the fonts that aren't real work like yeah that's what it is

or wingling I have no idea what you guys are talking about you know how like when you go to it's like not the slightest clue I was trying to like to be fair I just compared it to something else that I didn't accurately talk about like I'm like you know that thing that's like and I didn't explain yeah windings you know windings is like the fonts when you go into like you pick a font and it's like just characters it's not real like yes you know those like old school like Casio keyboards yeah so you know how like you could like if you press a certain button it would sound like oh yes but you know what they did more with like dogs and animals and things like that i was trying to relate it back to that but i don't know why but that's what i was gonna say

wingdings weird fucking word oh guys wow terrible intro um but welcome to the podcast the best yeah it really it really describes who we are and what we do here very accurately wingdings sounds like a wing shop like a like wing stuff yeah and like a souvenirs too like a park gas station souvenirs uh on the road like side of the road like oh come to wing bings get your ding dongs and drinks oh guys well this is an advice podcast clearly um you should really listen to us please we're really smart and qualified um and if you guys want to call in and be on an upcoming episode the phone number is 310-694-0976 and uh international listeners you can email us an audio file at megapodcasts at gmail.com we were talking about this this is you haven't been on since it's

been at my house that's right and you're still giving out you still have advice to give i do i'm constantly being like this let me my my wisdom i can give it to you but i i clearly i no offense other guests i never fucking remember the questions from other people's episodes except for the one with lily with like the girl who had sex with both the brothers three not both oh yeah three brothers oh hell yeah she's amazing but i remember i don't remember the specific question but i remember yours accidentally was really dark it was a dark episode yeah and we it was like it felt like a four-hour like event and afterwards we're like it was so it's not usually so dark um now i think i think now we we we select um like more mature calls yeah and also if we do a sad

one we'll just do one but i think with yours we're just like we're like lisa can handle it yeah which i mean there's definitely probably some dark ones here now too but also when we were when she was on the first time it was when we were doing a lot more lighter calls you know so in comparison yeah it was darker a lot darker so it might still be just as dark but we're just used to it now well i'll send you my therapy yeah perfect great we love therapy here we're big fans a therapist listens to our podcast really yeah we found out that what do they think they said it's great yeah that's all they said that's amazing yeah that's it would have been awkward if they were like yeah this is not yeah she called in and did a call back and she's like from a

therapist perspective and i fangirled like if it was someone told me that like like george cloney listened to the podcast therapist a real life therapist that's awesome yeah i feel really good about it i feel good for you i don't have a segue hi megan um i'm 31 so i'm along and uh my question is very very i think juicy and also very uh kind of like i don't know weird um but um i'm a very progressive mother and I talked to my daughter about masturbation sex and whatnot and you know like the proper terms and stuff like that and my daughter is only seven so the question is our house is the hub of the neighborhood so all of her best friends go to our house and stuff like that so my question is I caught one of her best friends humping a pillow and upon seeing that I

was like, oh, please don't do that. I just washed my pillow, and it's going to lose its shape, so please stop doing that. And then brushed it off, and she stopped doing it. But it happened a couple of times, and I am super, I don't know, weird about it. I don't know if I should tell the parent, but my worry is that if I say it to the parent, that she might not let her child go to our house again,

and she's my daughter's best friend. And we are not, like, the close friends or, like, you know, like, she's close to me because our daughters are friends. No, we're just, like, parents who are, like, we're letting our kids play because they're best friends kind of thing. So we're not very close. So my question is, should I tell her or should I let my daughter tell her to stop doing that so that way I don't have to deal with the parental issues that might arise? but my concern is that she can't keep doing that to my house and my concern is that hopefully she's not doing it in other people's house because our home is not just the hub of the neighborhood my daughter goes to her other best friend's house and I don't know if I should tell the parent about

it and I don't know so I want to know your your thoughts about it and yeah I'm just torn i before we like get into that when she's like i'm 31 so i'm a mom yeah i wanted to die that was that was hard that was harsh in so many ways yeah wow i think it's pretty common i mean um i went to school with a girl who uh i didn't okay so when i say this i don't want to i don't want like the color to think like oh wow people talk about and gossip about it there's a girl in my class who apparently who allegedly also did this that i didn't find out about until like way later when like our like parents made like a like we brought this girl up in conversation like do you know when you were little like blah blah blah so as like her peer we didn't fucking notice at

all and apparently like it was pretty obvious um but she ended up having she was doing it at school and so she ended up having like um an adult like a teaching aid be with her to like learn like help not do something like that so I think like I mean I don't have kids um but I think it does make sense that if she's doing it at your house that she'd probably be doing it at her own house and probably like at in other places so part of me wants to say like her parents probably know um but at the same time I think like it doesn't hurt to tell them because I don't I'm not like a child psychologist i don't know if there's like a deeper meaning to that for me when i was a little kid i had to get taken to a child psychologist because i stopped pooping and i was like refused to poop

when i was like five oh i want to know all about oh apparently i just got highly i was just like a highly anxious kid and then um they were like we need to bring her to a child therapist my parents like no we're not doing that we're just gonna give her that much she's gonna be fine but like there are certain things that like can mean something different when you're a kid because you don't really have like it's the same thing like it's about like projecting a lot of stuff or like mimicking things that you see and like not really understanding stuff so I would say I think it's important to like just be honest and upfront and as much as like it could totally suck and the parents could like take your kid and like they couldn't be friends anymore

I don't remember a lot from when I was seven so like if my best friend from when I was seven like we weren't friends anymore I don't know how much like it might suck but I don't think like i don't know i don't think that it would totally hurt your kid as much as you would think and then also like they can still be friends at school if like the parents are being weird right yeah i i don't think this is like that abnormal no i just googled it and so many like parents on message boards are talking about it i don't want to quote anything because i haven't found an expert that says anything but there's a lot of different message boards that has this on there yeah it seems like she's just like discovering her body and stuff and she doesn't know the limits yeah to

it and it's usually not sexual especially as a seven-year-old i think it's i think i think she should tell yeah have like an open conversation with the parents and if the parents push back then clearly like that's their own issue that they're gonna have to work through it's not a reflection of like that conversation but i think i think it's your responsibility as a parent if you're having a friend over another child over that's not your child it's not your decision to make a choice for that kid you need to tell the parent yeah i also would say i think like not that i'm saying you're coming from a place of judgment and like i definitely laughed when because i just wasn't expecting when you said that um but like i yeah like i think we've had

people on everyone everyone explores their bodies at very different ages like i know people who like started masturbating like they touching themselves when they were in elementary school and not like knowing what it was or understanding that so people discover all that stuff like you said like it's i think it's really common so i think if you can come at it like a really casual way yeah instead of being like sit down we have a serious conversation because you said like you're very progressive family and all that stuff and this is like super super super fucking normal so i think the way to do it is just to be like hey i just like want to let you know um i don't know if you guys already know i'm assuming you already do i would love to know like what you guys do at

your house and how i can help enforce how you like not reprimand but like how you deal with it and approach the subject at your home so i'm keeping consistent with what you guys do when this happens here and so it's not like shaming you or being like fyi your daughter does this and she needs to stop it's more along the lines of being like okay this is totally fine i just don't want to like get in the way of how you guys deal with this i just like put me on the same page so like i can deal with this totally what if they don't reprimand her though then i mean i like does it that changes the how to go about yeah bringing the subject up for them if they're like oh we don't do anything we just like let her do it yeah i don't like it's not hurting anyone yeah

at all especially if this mom is so open like yeah if you're an open conversation about it yeah i think this is super normal and just to keep that in mind yeah like if this was your kid and this is something that you saw your kid doing and you did your research and saw how like there's no stressors there's nothing at home that's like creating like a it's not like um your kid's not killing like squirrels like it's something that is like super it's just humping squirrels yeah it's just humping them and so i think like if you if you went to this could it just as easily and could potentially still be your kid and still doing any of this and i think that if you are very like sex positive and talking to your daughter about all of this stuff um i think

it should also translate to not just the hypothetical like to like oh this is actually a thing that's happening right now and it's not like i mean i definitely grew up with like a very open conversation about stuff but it's like but when you're old enough and it was like cool so i know everything but like not like uh i don't feel comfortable talking about stuff because like i know i'm not allowed to do like i know what it is but like i'm not allowed to do this stuff oh that's interesting it was very very fucking weird and confusing so it's like okay i know all of this and we talk about it all the time but like it just don't act on it so i think like practice what you preach in that sense of being progressive and open and honest and um i think it's like totally

harmless and i think also if you're super worried about it go to your child like go to your pediatrician and talk to them about it and figure that out um and i think the the thing here is just being aligned with some the same way that if your kid was doing like okay let's say okay i don't want to use that but like the same way that like if your kid was um like rolling their eyes or something and there's something that you guys say you're like hey that's very disrespectful i wouldn't like you to do that like and that's something that the kid rolls their eyes at another parent or like something else. And then you want that parent, like, Hey, this is what we say to reinforce this. We don't say like, you're being mean or don't do that. Like we point out

these things like to help because like it is a community raising kids and all of that. So I think like, but come at it from that side of being like, as a mom to another mom, I just want, I know how like, yeah, we're all working really hard at doing this. And I'm not here to like mom shame or judge you. I just want to do what's best for your kid that you have decided. Like, I'm not going to like choose what that is and then if they're not reprimanding her i think if it really concerns you yeah talk to like your pediatrician about it um but otherwise i think it's probably something she'll end up growing out of and then just don't yeah don't overstep uh boundaries of someone else's like parenting let those parents deal with it yeah yeah because it's not hurting anyone

except for the pillow it's a pillow yeah maybe get like less nice pillows yeah just have no pillow to the house the pillowless house hi Megan I am 20 years old and I'm currently a sophomore in college and I was just calling because I need your advice about a guy so over the summer me and this guy met and we worked together and we kind of developed a sexual relationship which then led into having feelings for each other and there's a few things that are wrong with him in our relationship but i don't know if i want to enter that so i need your advice so we did meet over the summer and we worked together and he is actually 28 years old and i'm 20 so there is an age gap um i don't think it's an issue neither does he but my friends think that that might be

an issue later down the road i feel like i'm very mature for my age and i definitely get that a lot And my mom and my grandma always say they see dating someone older. So I don't think that's an issue that other people do. When we met over the summer, it was kind of under weird circumstances. I'm really close with my dog, who I've been working for for many years. And she definitely tells me a little too much about her personal life, including her sex life. And I did find out that she had slept with this guy before when he was, like, 25 and she was, like, 45. So, like, that's a little weird for me and, like, makes the whole thing kind of uncomfortable because if I were to go back and work for her this summer when I'm home, this would be a weird tension.

And speaking of working back home, we actually live, like, an hour and a half apart. So that does make things, like, a little tricky. um when I'm home for a break over the summer we live like 10 minutes apart but when I'm down here for school we're a little bit farther apart and on top of all this you like kind of like a drug dealer like not like in like the drug cartel or like sell hard drugs like just like your neighborhood weed dealer but I don't really know if that's something I want in like a future relationship like if we were to get married and have kids or something like that um basically i know that i pretty much should not be talking to him anymore but like the sex

was so good and it's like the first like adult relationship i feel like i've had um so i don't know what to do because i really like him i really like the sex but i just know that long term this isn't an option for me and i know i need to end it so thanks for your advice bye she answered her own question i know it's like you just want to tell us that the sex is good like you just want to tell us that that seems like everyone's like yes primer for telling us like but the sex is like so good i'm like yeah but he's like he's like a monster but like the sex is so he's like he's like the baba duke but like this is so good like how good are we yeah like guys we all want like the goal is to have good sex across the board like yeah if you're

dating someone it's bad sex let's talk about that but i'm gonna assume that you're in relationships of good sex also you're 20 um and not to be like ages or anything but you still got like so many good years and you uh i mean literally all signs point to like get out if you have a list of things of like that don't mesh and that are a problem there's just so many people out in the world that you could be dating yeah and like just cut the cord yeah just cut the cord move on there's better sex out there for you 100 and i want to just touch on you being mature for your age and everything like that i 100 believe you i have been told that by everyone my entire life like everyone's always been like date someone older like you're very mature for your age and

all of that and i heard that a ton but there got to be a point i didn't start dating people who were like i did a couple like a year or two older than me but i didn't date anyone like older than me um and like older than so okay nothing I like the one guy one guy dated in high school he was 18 when I was like 17 that's like I want to say like I never like bridged that jump of like underage and someone overage but when I was like a freshman I dated a junior in college and it wasn't until I turned like 21 or 22 that I realized I'm like wow I'm super mature for my age and that's great but it's really really really gross for these guys to be into me when I'm really young it has nothing to do with how mature you are and how great you are I agree but at a certain

point you like it's not kosher for someone to be into you when you are that young like I had but I never had really questioned that like I was like oh no I would date someone a lot older and like if I'm in like my uh if I'm like 20 and I was on a dating app and I like kept up to 30 and I was like okay yeah it's fine but the older I got I was like this this is this says so much more about you and so much less about me and my moths and i started dating when i was 22 and he was like for the entire he's like he's like it literally took me like two fucking years of being your friend and getting to know you before i was like okay this isn't creepy like this isn't creepy because he's 29 now so he's four years older than me i think a little which isn't even that bad but

even for him in his life like his friends he's like i am by far the youngest person there i'm always going to be the youngest of like friend group of anyone who they date and all of that stuff and so for him as being someone who was like in his 20s and was surrounded by people in his 20s he didn't feel comfortable bringing a really young girl because like it was going to be perceived weird so if someone who's like substantially older than you is like totally fine with that and like all of that i think it's just like you have to like yeah it's just not it's just like gross to me because like he's like this guy's like dating all over the spectrum what i mean it's like this is like pretty telling five year old boss yeah it's pretty telling that

he's like all over the place also if you just have to continue to make excuses for your partner then that's just that's a sign that this isn't good yeah there's nothing worse and i've been in relationships where it's like well but he oh yeah he's this but but it's just like no there's so many other people out in the world and thankfully you don't have a child with this I mean you're not that far in so I would say like if if you are mature then get out yeah and I think like great sex can be awesome and like you can have great sex with people who aren't like great people but like you can't date those people and like if there are feelings attached and everything like that like it's just dumb I've definitely like had like the fuck buddy friends with benefits

that like turned into more of like a relationship thing and I was like wow yeah there's a reason why we didn't start off dating because like where I was not attracted to you until we had sex because this was good and now i'm like oh this is not this is not what a good relationship is about and vice versa if like this was you and some guy you were dating a guy if he like listed all of these things that like didn't work with you but the sex is really good you'd be like well fuck you dude like totally like this pussy is not for you anymore like it yeah you just you also need to like like melissa said like you're you're 20 you're gonna have better sex in your life and sex gets better the more that you're into somebody and like there's a cap of how into this guy you

can be because you know all of this shitty stuff and you know it's not going to last and all of that like that emotional connection like you're putting a very smart and necessary roadblock up there of like saying it doesn't have a future and like the sex is never going to get better you know yeah it's only going to get more challenging because when you're with someone for a long time yeah or what if he goes to because i mean i don't you didn't say that you live in a place where it's legal to sell weed it's not like he what if he goes to jail like do you want to be that girl no i've watched too many documentaries yeah no like having like it's what's the thing that called like a conjugal visit yeah gross no and like is the dick that good that you do a conjugal

no well let's think about that though can you imagine like is the sex good enough that you do a conjugal visit yeah how far how long and you're gonna drive all this way there's and explain it to your parents oh get out girl you're so young you have so much time yeah move on and also your boss is an overshare and i would just like not listen and you shouldn't work with her i would think because this is not your like permanent job it's just your summer job so yeah yeah also you're in college like also if you're gonna drive for the dick drive for the dick on your time off not when you have school like drive for the day you should be driving for the post and on top of that you literally live college you shouldn't even have to get in your car to get dick just walk

don't waste fucking gas on that like that's just like it is literally at your fucking fingertips literally and figuratively so like yeah i just think this is if she knows though like you could hear it yeah sometimes you know and it just takes a podcast to tell you so we're telling you be done with this dude yeah you're done with him and also when you get to be 28 you're gonna be like what the fuck was i doing yeah we all have those oh 100 yeah yeah i question that a lot i question what i did like three years no not three years ago i don't want to sound like i question why i'm with bots but like pre-hip i'm like what was i doing doesn't don't you think it all leads to the next yeah yeah i mean i think like we all have to like do like stupid shit to like

realize we're not stupid it's just learning yeah no but like to realize like what we think we want versus what we actually want and like realize like what we care about and all that stuff because like I think we like to think we know ourselves a lot more than we do and then it's only when you think you really know yourself and like you make a decision for like that girl that you've built up in your brain you're like no this is a bad idea that's not real that's not me and then you're like okay let me refigure this out totally I did that a lot where I was like it must be six four and I must work in finance then I was like oh they're all in coke okay let me redo this in my mind yeah I'm like finance is boring and all of you are boring so let me fix this again except

has a job in finance now but don't worry he hates it okay guys on to the next hey so i'm 16 i just started a new job and i've been working there a few weeks and there's this guy he's about 30 years older than me he has a wife and kids and he's been he first started out just touching me around the waist and hugging me and putting his face up against mine calling me gorgeous and beautiful all the time um that kind of thing he'd grab me up by my bra line like when he was hugging me or things like that that he was intentionally bumping into me smiling at me weird just kind of making me uncomfortable because he was so much older than me and he touched my butt and that made me super uncomfortable and a couple days ago he told me that the only problem with me was that

I didn't have enough to be his little sister, but if he was 17, then I would be kidnapped by now, but in a good way. So I don't know whether, I already reported it to my boss, and he kind of just brushed it off and asked, like, it was my fault for not reporting him. But I don't know whether I should quit or just stick it out, because he said he was going to talk to him. But it just makes me overwhelmingly uncomfortable. So, yeah, just need some advice on what to do in this situation. Thank you. This makes me mad. I know it's probably uncomfortable, but you should tell your parents.

Yeah. You should absolutely tell your parents who will then help you. You need to contact, like, I don't know if it's a corporation. Yeah. But you need to contact, like, a higher up. like this is not this is not something to take lightly no and it's also most certainly not the first time because he feels comfortable doing this in his place of work so you are not the first girl he's done this to and you're not the last it's also not your responsibility to be like the pioneer

behind a movement to getting this guy fired publicly um but you are under 18 so your name can be redacted from anything so anything that you like say and any people that you contact and all of that stuff if you're afraid about like this being attached to you it won't be because you're under 18 and you have to give consent for that that's good yeah so i think that's like a huge part of like uh i mean yeah like a lot of victims of like sexual assault and harassment you don't necessarily like you don't necessarily want to be um a voice behind the movement um which is completely fine like everyone's journey is like their own but yeah because you're under 18 that you won't be in general tell an adult like and if you're not comfortable with your

parents if there's like a school counselor or somebody you need you need help you need someone to help back you up because obviously your boss yeah is not taking this seriously and you need to tell whoever you about the fact that you've told your boss and they he has not done anything yet um because yeah this guy shouldn't he should be in trouble yeah and like and so i just looked this up on the um employment the equal employment opportunity commission and so it says if your supervisor doesn't take you seriously the um the next step is like the law protects you from retaliation so you can complain about the harassment to the police as well and you can always file um a discrimination or anything about harassment with the um equal employment

opportunity commission as well yeah so i'll put these links in yeah that's great information and it's scary like that's scary i'm sorry that that's happening to you it's it's yeah i i being when you're that young too and it's like your first job and all of this stuff like good for you for having a job at 16 and it's it's a very hard thing to navigate um being uh i don't want to refer to you as a kid but like yeah when you're a kid in an adult world um and you want to be taken seriously as an adult and then adults tell you like you're fine and everything's okay like we're taught to kind of like trust that especially when like you're a new employee and things like that but your instincts are right like this is like not okay and you yeah he shouldn't yeah it's

just it's not okay on any level and i also like want to reiterate even if he was your age this isn't okay even if he was younger than you it's not okay if it was a woman it's not okay like it doesn't matter if it's a family member and it makes if it makes you uncomfortable it's not okay and regardless of age um and that is makes like legal issues but like just in general if someone does something that makes you feel uncomfortable you don't have to tell the person that it makes you feel uncomfortable that doesn't like it's not like a missed opportunity it's like oh well you didn't tell them made you feel uncomfortable if you're a fucking normal human being you would know that that's not an appropriate thing to do and he knows that and he's still doing it um tell

somebody that you trust who is an adult because they legally have to take action know that um your fucking boss saying like how you should have reported it first of all you did report it to him um but in general if anybody tells you like oh you should have said something like they didn't know any better and that sort of thing be like move on talk to somebody else because that's not a response from somebody who's ever going to be on your side and uh you don't need to convince anyone to be on your side because like look how quickly you have us being like this is fucking disgusting and wrong yeah so yeah you just need to you need to you need to tell somebody and even if it's yeah it's like if it's not if it's not your parents like a friend's parents or um

but an adult an adult someone over 18 your counselor at school yeah yeah yeah um and this is just like a blanket thing that britney louise taylor brought up when she was on um was is to document any type of harassment the day when it happened and where you were and i bet there's security cameras too there might be like i bet there's like a whole other slew of that stuff but yeah you're yeah yeah but you needed to say something and um you can quit and still say something you don't need like don't you don't don't go back there don't if that's i mean i don't think you should in general but like even if they switch your shifts around and like you're not with him like you have every right to quit and quitting doesn't mean that you still can't

fight for this and like get him to like yeah that's not quitting isn't i'm not like not that it's not the solution but like you don't have to stick it out to like go through the process of like you know the legal on him but yeah okay guys it's time for a quick break and we will be right back ready let's go hi guys i'm 20 i currently live with my boyfriend after not having the best experience with roommates which kind of ties into my question i am pregnant and he travels out of town for his jobs for weeks at a time which makes our relationship much harder i am going to go to my first prenatal appointment and i would have loved

if he would have been there with me um but he can't because of work and i asked my mother to come with me his mom happens to live in another state if not i would have totally been okay with her joining me also anyway he wants one of our ex-roommates which happens to be a family member on his side come too if his mom can't and he said if he can't go and this person isn't invited then my mom can't go I really don't want this other person to come because they made me feel really uncomfortable when we found out about the pregnancy and honestly just last week right before I moved it was too weird and there was some tension um I and since then I was told by my boyfriend that I don't consider his people or his family which kind of hurt because I feel like

he doesn't defend me to our ex-roommates or he takes their side for whatever reason um and I I really don't want to go to this appointment alone but I don't even know what to do with this relationship in general um I don't feel like he thinks my feelings are valid I love him I just don't feel like I can say anything or make any decision without him giving me some sort of attitude for it anyway love your podcast thanks bye oh god I like want to cry I know me too oh no yeah um i know you love him but like this is toxic and like he's controlling yeah which it's emotional abuse and withholding the fact that like your mom can't come to your first prenatal appointment if

his family can't go that you have uncomfortable like it's not a fucking party it's a doctor's and it's your fucking body like i'm sorry men you shoot out sperm a million miles a fucking minute and great he's a but like no it's i don't care what anyone fucking says about like like birth and like motherhood but like fatherhood or whatever like if you are the woman carrying the baby like you call the fucking shots if there was not you there would be no baby and you need your mom yeah you need your mom's support it does sound like he there might be a place like if he's willing to they're having communication problems obviously if he's willing to like go to therapy yeah and like because you are pregnant you are starting to build a life and if you like

want to try with that relationship like it sounds like he's like active yeah i'm trying to like it seems like though he doesn't trust her like why does he want one of his family members why do they have to be there that's a very selfish weird yeah and also if you had issues with your roommates and they also reacted badly to the pregnancy like it's weird because he's like disassociating himself from that reaction which is in regard to the pregnancy as if like he has nothing to do with the pregnancy and he took their side yet now what's the appointment it's no longer your pregnancy it's our pregnancy and this is what i want with my family like it's he's selectively choosing when it's convenient for him and like you said it's a family member that you used to live with and

he's picking their side I think that like you right now I think you went from like you said it was a bad living situation with roommates I think you went from like a toxic like that environment to one that might be slightly less toxic or slightly less outwardly toxic and I it just might not be working and I think like like you said like if you if you want him to be um a figure in your child's life and all that that's 100 your call and if you want to like work on the relationship i think the only way you can do that is in therapy because you're saying that like you can't bring up anything without him like getting upset or at it's like you can't bring up anything about how you feel without him doing that so you've tried like you've tried and it

gets to a certain point which i'm a huge proponent of couples therapy i think it's great and there gets to be a point where like i think a lot of people and no offense men in general because i've gotten a lot of messages from you guys about it of being like oh i really want to but like my partner said like we should be able to figure it out on our own and it's like well if you can't if you haven't if you could you would have already done it by now and if you can't figure it out on your own and you really care about each other well let's try this because it's not suddenly one day a switch isn't going to flip because you get in these habits and communication and all of these issues and i think like even if you guys don't end up wanting to stay together or whatever

i think going once might also give you a little bit of peace of mind of being like oh my feelings are valid i'm not crazy i'm allowed to feel this way and this isn't normal because a therapist will be super super straightforward and honest about like he will have to explain his reasoning of like oh this is why i don't want that and a therapist can be like well i think that's very selfish and i don't think that is considering her and maybe you just need to hear and maybe even hearing it from us that that's not like i don't know you sound isolated which makes me really sad yeah reach out to your family don't let him get in your head that you need to like only associate with his family that's culty a little bit it is he can't tell you what to what

to do no and oh i'm so sorry this is like really heartbreaking to me yeah because it should be like like like even if it's not necessarily like planned like when you're in a relationship and you decide to like move forward with a pregnancy like it should be a happy thing like it should be like oh my god this is gonna be great this is gonna be awesome and everything like that and i don't want you to feel like that because you guys have decided to like have a kid and because you i mean because you've decided to like continue on with this pregnancy and have a kid that that means you have to take how your relationship is right now as like okay this is i just have to be okay with it like you that something needs to change and now you have

someone else to think about too that's not just you oh we're sending you lots of love and i hope the appointment goes well yeah and um yeah ultrasounds whoo the weird cold gooey thing on your belly i only know that from living on a college i don't know that from like i've only had the ultrasounds when they're like let's look at your ovaries look they're over here that's a fun time i know where they all are all two of them are in my body it's over here on this side did you have a party where they're all the family members yeah and then it brought everyone i just like have my legs spread wide open i was like bring them all in bring the interns of the hospital does the receptionist want to come in who wants to give it a go with like the internal

one everyone can stick it on up oh god good time it was so fun okay hi megan um i'm not gonna say my real name but we'll call me liz um i'm just calling because i'm kind of struggling with some sexual trauma and I do see a therapist but it helps to talk to someone besides your therapist sometimes so I just kind of wanted to get your opinion um on how to handle this so a little bit of a backstory um I've dealt with a lot of sexual trauma in my life because I've been really submissive and that stems from my childhood but basically I've been really submissive with men especially in high school and college and now I'm a lot better about it so like I'm like in college I had like a situation where I was drunk and there was rape and then when I was

younger in high school there were a couple of situations of like sexual assault and the older I get it seems the more I realize I've been through um because I guess I just suppressed it or didn't even really know what it was so recently I thought about this guy that I know I slept with and it was a one-time thing and I realized that I had no recollection even when it happened I had no recollection the next day of what happened. I knew we had sex, but I had no recollection at all from like the last moment I remember is like drinking a beer and then the next moment waking up. So I never thought about the possibility of being drugged, but I actually watched The Bachelor, which made me think maybe that's what happened. And I don't really

know how to process it or handle it because I obviously can't figure out for sure what happened so I just wanted to see if you had any advice about how to process the situation and kind of where to go from here so um anyway thanks for your advice oh and I'm 25 you asked for the age um but thanks god damn uh I have no idea what to say well um you should be really proud of yourself you're very self-aware and um obviously you've done a lot of work and whoever your therapist is this seems to be working with you really nicely like you're able to sort of step back and and uh you know put the pieces together of past traumas that you've had and so for that like you should really give yourself some credit for for doing the work because that's hard hard

work like yeah I think you know give me your moment yourself a moment to be proud of yourself for the work you've done up to this point um oh you're gonna make me cry oh you're gonna make don't you think though yeah um I mean we're not the experts on this so I wouldn't know i think continuing your therapy journey um i don't know i don't that's a that's a huge discovery to be making right now yeah um oh don't i'm not gonna look at you so i won't cry um i've been in a very similar situation um and i am not going to cry i went to therapy twice this week already i have no more tears left in me um there's always a few more now it's very true and i to be perfectly honest also have no idea what to do and like it's something that when you i yeah when you get old

when you get older and like i think especially now in like the me too movement and things like that like i think a lot of women in general are having these things kind of click and you're like hmm i don't think that i like i if i if i slept with somebody or i think i slept with somebody and then the next time i see them i have this terrible pit in my stomach maybe that's maybe that's there's a reason there and there's that stuff so I mean I uh I think like something that you obviously know from therapy and I think like I understand when you're like well I don't like you want to get other people's input the things that I've started to learn is like there are some things that like we're not going to have the answers to and that we don't know and all we

know is our feelings and the only thing that we can do is address those feelings and we can't go back in time and we can't address, um, uh, we can't address what happened. Um, and because there was no changing what happened and we're also net, you're never going to know what exactly happened, but you do know how you feel about it. And whether it's like in regards to anything, a lot of the things with therapy, it's, um, uh, retraining yourself from make it from the decision-making or behavior or, uh, coping mechanisms and things like that. But when it comes to traumatic events that you have no control over there's nothing that you can do that's like okay well now what did i learn from this because there is nothing to learn from that all there is

is to address your feelings and how you feel and sometimes that's talking about it with your friends that's talking about with your therapist with other people sometimes it's support group yeah sometimes it's time sometimes it's reading about the fact that this has happened to so many other people sometimes it's volunteering for people who have been through similar things it's researching and reading and education about um uh sexual trauma and like even like if you're like interested in like what it's like uh i yeah if you're interested in like what it what roofies are or what are these things that like learning about stuff knowledge is power and i think like when you're in these situations and you don't know things um it can be incredibly frustrating

because you feel totally powerless. And I think the only thing you can do from there is trust your instincts and trust how you feel and know that like if you're in another situation where you feel uneasy about something, like go with your gut on that. And sometimes really shitty, terrible things happen and they happen for no reason. There's no necessary lesson to be learned and we're just hurt and upset and like frustrated and affected by it and there isn't necessarily a silver lining it's just something that we all know hopefully not at all but like that we just have to go through and it's just something that happens um and i think that you just need to be like really kind to yourself and like you said like be so proud of the work that you've done

in therapy and like how self-realized you are and all of this and that uh one of the things that like I've learned in therapy so much is like people they're trauma and things affect people in different ways and your brain especially if you're a kid or you're younger or something like the stars aren't aligned or whatever your brain will be like too much they can't handle that right now putting that away and so if you're these things are coming up for you now at 25 also 25 lots of things coming up in my life it's because you are so mature and your brain is being like you know what she's ready for this so know that that's what's happening and anything that you've suppressed or any of those feelings as much as it sucks to be like how if i suppressed it for my

whole thing i'm like if i suppress it for so long why do i keep suppressing it for the rest of my life like i don't want to fucking deal with it my therapist is like no your brain is telling you now like you're ready for this like think of this as like this very empowering like adult moment that like your mind is a very powerful thing it's been protecting you from these things for so long that like now you're ready to deal with it it's not like they stopped trying and stopped working at it it's not like they're like giving up on you and being like oops sorry like forgot how to like lock the like briefcase full of like trauma it's because you're ready so I think like as much as it sucks to like be like wow I'm strong enough to deal with trauma they don't have like ABC

that's not on like the greatest right like the amazing race the greatest race if there's like this isn't going to be useful in like a competition reality show with strength but um yeah I think it's I think it should be something that uh just know that like you're strong enough to handle it and um the more that you talk about it uh with like your therapist or whoever you want to talk about it with i think it's incredibly sad but also very reassuring and helpful to hear people who've had similar stories um because yeah that's i think that's now that everybody's talking about it that's how these things stop happening and like that's how these things um change and get better and uh all of that stuff and to everybody watch your drink at parties it's terrible and

terrifying pour yourself your own drinks um that was like a thing that i learned after my first week of freshman year in college and i was like new place cool this is not safe i have to do all this myself um and yeah and make sure when you talk to like your other female friends or your friends in general um that that is something that you guys do for each other i don't think i let a guy make me a drink until mott and i started dating but he was like we make you a drink and i was like okay sure you can make me but i know no at any party i was like no i got this myself yeah just watch it or in general just like watch your drinks hand over and never leave your house that's what i do now i'm just like yeah i don't leave my house except for therapy it's a but yeah

hold your hand over the drinks the whole time yeah and also not again not to scare people but like when you go to um hotel bars and things like that um be wary because there have been a lot of influx of uh that happening at hotels too so just make make sure you watch people pouring you stuff and giving you stuff and if you're concerned about that something that's like a single serve like a beer or something like that ask for it unopened and yeah so oh this makes me really upset but i'm so glad you're in therapy therapy is great yeah and i think empowering is like the word that you walk away from with this yeah and you shared your story with so many people now too so yeah this can help someone else and you brought us both i think this

is the only time i've ever been but i've i've ever been like no i've cried once before but that was like unrelated that was totally different like we've both like two people have cried like i've gotten close related to like the call so wow oh yeah you must maybe have my third cry of the day i'm kidding i mean not of the day of the week i feel like i'm crying tears are tears are not fun um but yeah thank you for sharing that and uh i hope that like i know that i didn't really give any like specific coping things but hopefully it helped to even just like talk about it and and know you're on the right path and you got all those tools she's got those tools yeah you've got them and it's good to talk like even even me having a therapist like two therapists it's all

i understand the thing of wanting just to talk to other people who aren't them and sometimes you yeah you you want someone to like talk because therapists don't always like talk back they just kind of let you go so i think like follow that instinct of like talk to your friends like talk to anyone that it comes up that you feel comfortable and that you think it would help you in your journey to healing which sounds like a rehab center but you know

it's a good thing. A really like nice one. Oh yeah Malibu. So now this is Don't Blame Them and this is where listeners call in with their own advice based on like personal experience so if someone if we had like an episode about like yeah like threesome someone would like hey I had a threesome which so many of you have had threesomes

by the way. I'm proud of you girls. Girls yeah I'm like. I am missing out. I know if i wasn't such like a hyper crazy jealous person like yeah you guys do it for me so what's this one about so this one is from the episode that we had with mott and um this girl was freaked out because her friend um was getting married after only knowing a guy for six months and so this is someone calling with similar experience so this is actually a response for the episode with Mott, um, for the girl whose best friend is getting married after only being with the guy for six months. Also, sorry if my voice is raspy, I'm

getting sick, but I'm 21 years old and I actually have an extremely similar experience to this. Um, right out of high school when we graduated, my best friend at the time and our other best friend decided they were just going to get married they hadn't been dating like we've been friends with this guy for like a year like crazy they decided they were going to get married six months after graduation and I expressed to her like I don't think this is a good idea you know you guys haven't even been boyfriend and girlfriend period a little crazy and what ended up happening is my best friend ended up eloping and i went to a party to celebrate their marriage and then i never heard from her again because she said i didn't i didn't support her marriage

marriage so my advice is honestly just to be there for her because the only thing that expressing your concerns is going to do is alienate the friendship and i hope that maybe my experience can help her thank you bye we need to find that girl and see what happens yeah where is she you know that she probably like it's still around but she just doesn't talk to her anymore i feel like they were dating in my mind she disappeared she said i never heard from her all i heard all my money went to like they eloped and then i never like i was like where did she go i've been listening to a podcast about cults recently so everything i'm like i'm like they're in a cult yes like every answer is like it's a cult my parents are friends of people in the synod on one

is that crazy the details yeah and they don't know a lot there's a lot of like drugs involved my parents like no no they were fine they wore red or white or whatever weird that's so weird dude those people were for sure dating behind everyone's back yeah because for sure there's no way that that's like how the fuck do you have that conversation about being like hey wanna get married yeah like straight out of high school and if you've never like have they had sex have they made out have they kissed like how do they know like they have their friend was she pregnant oh are they in a cult in a cult yeah i mean i think like no effect like no offense to your like ex-friend or whatever but like that's like next level weird shit so i

think like you kind of not that i'm honestly like you dodged a bullet with that one but like there's definitely something else going on so i i think like as much as like being supportive is like a great thing for people like what they need if they're gonna like make bad decisions i don't think you should handhold someone as they make a bad decision i think like that can be said with a look when they're like are you excited yeah i'm so excited like you can have your feelings be like your concerns be known but at the end of the day it should be my care and respect i'm making a hand gesture for anyone who's watching and listening um so i think like your top priority and that your friend should always know that is them and that you're going to support them you care about

them and then the next thing should be concern i don't think that like you should your concern shouldn't trump your friendship with somebody like it should they should still be like well i know that my friends aren't like i've been like my friends have not supported my decisions and i'm like okay yeah they don't support my decisions but like they're still around and like they're gonna deal with it it'll be fine but like yeah it should never get to a point where you're creating ultimatum because it does just push people away but i think a healthy level of concern is good because that's how we don't get like you know that's how in a cult yeah well you don't get exactly like oh wow all day to the very end that was a big one though that was one of the biggest

okay guys um well with that that is the end of our episode um if you guys want to be on our upcoming episode you can leave us a voicemail at 310-694-0976 and if you are a international listener you can leave us an email record an audio message no i'm not gonna where did this come from it's not my real accent either uh it's just you know trying my australian one's gotten pretty good recently. I was in Oliver Twist twice. I played a prostitute, but they called her

a lady of the night because it was elementary school and then high school. They were like, or middle school. They're like, this is too much. Lady of the night.

Lady of the night. You guys can email us an audio file at meganpodcasts at gmail.com. And Lisa, plug your shit. Oh.

Plug your book. I have a book coming out end of August. Yes. It's called 30 Life Crisis. Hell yeah. it's all about surviving your 30s but i do think that it's applicable to all ages it's just like things people don't warn you about in life and just reminder that you're doing all right even

if you're doing it your own way oh i'm excited do you isn't writing a book terrible it has been such a process dude it's the worst i don't recommend to anybody i i i hate it i loved it but it's super isolating um and then i go like down spirals where i'm like wait is this good like so much self-doubt but it's been very therapeutic i tell stories about things that i've been holding in for a long time um and hopefully like it helps someone and if not it like makes them fucking laugh yeah yeah and hopefully my boyfriend will stay with me after hearing that's a big one because it's all about like before yeah you're like so that he was figuring it out didn't he yeah now we're happy and things are good yes yes but i'm really excited

it's on pre-sale now on amazon guys get it and then where can people follow you online do you already said that just google me there's a lot of results you should estimate how many results what results do you think well there's another lisa schwartz oh that should we kill her yes we should she's in the eye she like she's some like movie person but she also seems to go everywhere i go where we have like accounts so like i'll say my name and they'll be like um there's two lisa schwartz's at like capital drugs and at like the drugs like you know it's so funny yeah so one day i'll meet her yeah but you're like the top result so that's it guys um if you're listening to this you can check out the video version on youtube and if you are watching go check out the

audio version we always say if you go to our website don't blame me dot show you'll figure out where to listen to us but you know stitcher uh podcast app uh spotify soundcloud all of the other stuff that i don't really remember whatever you get your podcast we're there if you google it it comes up but put megan's name on it because fucking taylor swift wrote a goddamn song called don't blame me oh man i know you should sue her yeah i feel like i'm surprised we haven't been like hey you need to change your podcast name we were first i feel like if we weren't first though we would have been i think i fully hit with that oh my taylor swift parodies yeah that can't yeah that can't be innocent on top of it yeah um but yeah we'll have our socials listed down below too

and uh we'll see you guys next time goodbye or hear you next time namaste don't blame me is a production by me executive produced by melissa demonts camera operator amanda lechner production assistance by julie carley and music by ryan hunter and giacomo picasso part of the her pod network